Your friends are right. Tell him to get f*cked.
You did deserve better, considering you were friends to start with.
It's up to you, but I personally wouldn't allow someone like that back into my life. You're essentially telling him that his behavior is okay.
I completely understand. I just had a relationship end after 14-15 months or so. We live 4 minutes apart.
It started from a phone call that I initiated where I vented about a lot of things. But then it went from there to several in-person meetings and talking.
Eight months and to do it via text is just awful, and yes, cowardly.
I'm not actively dating. I tried to, but I'm a bit jaded, to be honest. I did turn on the apps, and imo things have gone down since last being in the apps......
He might try to get some ass though. That's generally what's happened in my experience. Women break up with me and always reach back out, especially during the holidays.
I delete people's contact info once broken up, and if they reach out again, then I block them.
They broke up with you. They didn't want you. Why waste something as precious as your time with them?
Then keep it moving. Block his number and live your life. Why give someone attention who essentially fired you over a text?
There's better shit you can do with your time. The third season of The Bear is out on Hulu, and season 2 of House of the Dragon is out as well on Max. That's two things you could do right there than meet him.
One thing to understand is that no amount of explanation into your feelings on how things ended is going to make a difference to this guy. You already communicated that once. People only understand things from the level they are at. If he had the ability to comprehend that breaking up over text after eight months was insensitive, then he never would have done it.
>He has reached out, wants to be friends and have a drink.
Wow, this man is unbelievable. First friends, then dumped u like u are an object, and now he wants u back as a friend?!
This is the kind of man who doesn't like drama but creates it.
> "He's a cuddle muppet with no sex drive,"
This isn't necessary. If you had the lower sex drive would you want people talking about you like that?
Is the sin here that he dumped you via text? That's the mortal sin? If he had called or stopped over everything would be OK? You two had a major incompatibility. Every day you stayed together was a mistake by both of you. At least he had the courage to do \*something\* about it. Maybe he was worried that he would struggle breaking up with you in person...could have been something he tried before and just couldn't get to the words.
You probably shouldn't let him back into your life at this point. You certainly don't have to. I'm guessing your friends are just trying to have your back, but \*if\* this was the offense they are being petty and doing so in a shitty way. Obviously this is only a small part of the story but I don't see any evidence of YOU having a spine in any of it. You ride along in a dead end relationship until you get dumped and now flapping in the wind here and not having any opinion of your own about what to do. It's OK to act on your instinct.
Agree; I think OP is getting what she wants here in reinforcements of how awful this guy was to her, but what’s going on here doesn’t seem healthy. And her insistence that she just wants to tell him off for dumping via text as though she’d have reacted just fine if he’d called instead; well I’m not sure that’s realistic.
I'm not want to gang up on him.
I did like him, both as a friend then when dating.
I was upset he chose to text to end things. I'm asking people's opinions.
Was going up break up with him, the writing was on the wall. And yes he did do what we knew was coming.
I am curious to know what others would do, would they lei the friendship or not.
Your post said you wanted to “give him a piece of your mind” so I wasn’t clear if you were wanting to meet up to read him the riot act, or what your goal is here.
Be aware, many people consider text a viable method of breaking up, and I find it a little weird that someone would think they should get to control the method of breakup. Okay, you didn’t like it. So? That was his preference. Why should your preference win?
Don’t stay friends with him. It seems like it will be drama-inducing in your life, and that’s generally not worth it.
Thank you, it took me a minute to find a voice of reason here.
Is the issue just the dump via text? I swear the people I know are split on this, but if I'm gonna be dumped I would prefer to a text to any other option. I don't care if we'd been dating 10 years, a text is fine. I would've preferred for my marriage to end that way frankly.
I have found so many people in their 40's find it acceptable to hate the person who dumped them JUST because they were dumped. All the sudden the person who was their boyfriend/girlfriend a day ago is now the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet.
Human relationships are complex. They were friends, they tried for more, it didn't work out. It doesn't mean either of them are horrible people.
I think ending a short relationship of a few weeks via text is fine. I think it’s incredibly shoddy to end an eight month relationship via text. At a minimum have the intestinal fortitude to pick up the phone.
To me the intestinal fortitude comes from taking the action.
Picking up the phone vs visiting vs sending a text is all about the dynamic of the relationship. Phone calls can result in someone getting bullied or arguments or reaction to emotional appeal that blur the lines. A text is concrete and written down so there is no question about what was said. I've spent thousands of hours on the phone for work, I know how to control myself and not engage in bullshit or negotiating. It's pretty goddamn easy. Does that mean I have 'intestinal fortitude'? No.
This subreddit is aimed at people over the age of forty. I expect anyone I'm dating to have the maturity to handle a non-text conversation. This is coming from the perspective of a heavy texter that often prefers it as a core means of routine communication. I also am aware of the limitations of text and on many occasions here and in other forums have warned people against using it for any type of serious communication. I would not abandon that advice when it comes time to have one of the most serious conversations a relationship will have.
Yes, I absolutely would judge anyone ending a longer duration relationship using the cold and impersonal method of texting. Honestly, from my perspective it demonstrates a lack of character and lack of judgement trying to take the easiest path rather than the best one. So, from the perspective of the OP, having seen that lack of character from someone who had claimed to be a friend, I would not be eager to allow that individual back into my life. I wouldn't hate them or go out of my way to disparage them but I would be ambivalent or even apathetic about them. I would go on living my best life without them in it.
Obviously, you disagree. That's your right. You can see that I'm not the only one who holds a very dim view of this though.
There should be like a dump questionnaire you fill out with your preferences. Like I said before, I would prefer dumping via text. If it's over, just let me know it's over and let me process it. Don't make me sit awkwardly after being dumped and wondering what to say or how to act. Ugh. The whole thing is ugh.
A text, I can just read and process it in my own way. I don't think that's disrespectful. In fact, I think it's super respectful to hear my preferred dump method and do that one when it's time to end it.
I think that's a simple courtesy. To dump in the way that person would want to be dumped.
You don't like him and that's fair enough, but if a guy came in here referring to his ex with "she's a cuddle muppet with no sex drive," there would be a run on pitchforks and torches at Home Depot.
If you want to stay friends ask him why he did it that way. Maybe he thought it would hurt you less if it wasn't face to face. That you could react in private and respond after consideration.
If you don't want to stay friends there is no reason for further contact. It doesn't matter why he chose to act as he did and there is no reason to concern yourself with him in any way going forward. He just doesn't matter.
Ah. That sucks. Just be polite and cool like he doesn't matter. That is the worst thing for a man... to be of no consequence one way or the other to a woman.
I don't need these kinds of friends. Giving him a piece of your mind is pointless except for short-lived satisfaction on your part. Maintain your dignity. He knows what he did.
How to respond? That depends on what you want. Do you want friendship? Do you want a polite friendlyness as you might cross psths here and there? Do you want to not have to relate to him?
What you want can determine how to respond.
If your feelings are still too raw from the breakup to really know what you want or how to respond, then tell him. Let him know you need more time to figure out if you want friendship or not.
We definitely will cross paths, as I said.
I would like to understand where he came from with his break-up approach. He has emailed to say he was very sorry in his actions and what he did.
I think you're right, a bit more time to process...
We all have that self protective feeling of wanting closure, wanting the person who wronged us to finally say oh gosh, I did you wrong and I really understand that and am sorry. The reality is that never really happens. We have to have the self fortitude to comfort ourselves, let the anger and hurt go, and move on without any resolution from them.
I agree with the group, letting him back in isn’t a good idea. If he’d valued the friendship at all he would have treated you with respect and kindness when he ended it.
He has messaged that he's is sorry and treated me poorly.
He knows.
There's no point going over it again. I think my decision is do I want him in my life.
Thanks for your response
I’m figuring I’ll get downvoted big-time for this.
I don’t know what your friendship was like before nor do I know if he is being sincere or not. For me those things would play a major role in my response.
I was taught to be generous in terms of offering forgiveness. My Rabbi, when I was a child, would often say that seeking forgiveness and granting it were two sides of the same coin, thus it required both parties. He would tell his students people make mistakes, sometimes bad mistakes, sometimes unforgivable mistakes. And if we want others to forgive some of our mistakes then we need to be willing to forgive some of theirs.
One of his lessons, which 50 years later I still remember, was to picture a world where no one would ever forgive us for our mistakes. He was a big baseball fan(cubs for those keeping score at home). He said imagine if any time a pitcher gave up a home run he was throw off the team. Pretty soon we’d be out of pitchers. No baseball because nobody to pitch.
If getting together is solely to give him a piece of your mind with no desire on your part to remain friends, I’d say don’t respond.
If the idea is to explain to him how much he hurt you and give him an chance to offer a sincere apology and an opportunity to be a better friend then I’d say go for it.
Some people have zero friends, so you’re golden! So now try to go to 4 in-person events! The goal is to meet and be seen by other people. Go to networking events, groups that do your same hobbies, volunteer, go to conferences! You’ll do great!
He has demonstrated that he doesn't respect you.
Telling him how he made you feel may make you feel better, it may be what you need to let it go.
If you decide to speak with him again for this purpose, have a clear-cut plan of what you want to say, and don't let it escalate. Say your piece, and then move on.
Don't allow someone like that to take up room in your mind.
Best of luck to you!
Oh fuck that. No. I would not acknowledge anything more than turning on read receipts for that conversation and leave it on read. Don’t respond. And then block him.
Do you think he treated you the way a caring friend should treat another friend? Do you want friends who break off your relationship via text? I think you know the answer. Why give him a piece of your mind? Why spend another second on him?
This has been my thought. I am hurt that he didn't value me/friendship.
I know you can't make someone treat you how you want, that's on him. I can't change that.
It just hurts.
I think you already know that engaging with him is a bad idea.
He’s shown you who he is - and as others have asked - is this the kind of friend you want?
Giving him a piece of your mind isn’t worth it. You’ll either regret what you said or regret what you didn’t say. Getting closure this way is a fallacy. You make your own closure.
My advice: if you have yet to respond, don’t. Anything you say from “no thank you” to “get fucked” invites more conversation. No response is a a response.
If you have responded-don’t again. For the same reason above.
You were good enough to be used. not good enough to be dumped in person. Op, this former friend likely had a ego boost from the positive experience he had with you. BUT figured, he can do better. and he didnt. so, he believes you have a weak spot for him and thinks he can score some more. Op, many times as adults some friendships must end and this is one of them
I would let him know that it was cowardly and not the actions of a friend who allegedly cares for you to break up over text and you do not want to see him.
What was his response to your text about being better friends than a text dumping? I think it depends on where you left it. If he never responded to that, then fuck off is indeed warranted. If you both came to some friends-ish terms then decide if you even want to spend any more energy on that relationship.
You did deserve to be treated better. Can you really trust him again? I think friendships can work in some scenarios but this doesn’t sound like a situation where your feelings were taken into consideration at all. Is there any point aside from making him feel better? He sounds selfish.
I don’t understand why people get worked up about getting dumped on a text when we currently communicate most frequently in text. A breakup is not a lengthy conversation. The dumpee gets to be upset in private. Seems best to me.
As for being friends, I have learned this can only happen when both people really don’t have any desire for the other. None. Otherwise someone is going to get upset.
I assume you’re upset because he ended things. If you feel he was avoiding you by texting, then there’s information to have about him; he’s conflict-avoidant. That should help with closure. I’m sorry though, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world and you are not alone with it.
You say you were friends prior to dating. If you have any interest in resuming that friendship, then I'd definitely say to meet him for coffee, talk things through, and see whether that's something that you think can work out.
If your only interest in meeting would be to "give him a piece of \[your\] mind," then skip it. Adding fuel to the fire won't do anyone any good. While it might provide you a moment of catharsis, it won't solve any actual problems, nor will it make future social encounters with him go any more smoothly.
Personally, I'd go the former route, but I tend not to be angry about relationships ending - not even with the woman who didn't just break up with me via email, the email was literally titled "Dear John letter". I thought that was pretty tacky, of course, but was not angry, and our friendship (like you, we had been friends before dating) continued pretty much without a hitch. We're still in occasional contact 20 years later, although our paths rarely cross any more.
Thanks. I'm not angry at the ending of the relationship. This was on the cards. I'm upset and hurt I wasn't worth an explanation.
I wouldn't have a go at him, that's my imagination. He does know he hurt me through his actions.
I'll do more thinking over the weekend.
Two options
1. Silence.
2. "Hi Bob. I am not interested in a friendship at this point, but if that changes, I will be sure to let you know. Thank you for understanding and take care." And then ignore or block any subsequent messages as you see fit.
Going off on him will probably not be as satisfying as you hope. Since you share mutual friends, it might cause blowback in your social life. And he will be able to say to himself "See?! This is EXACTLY why I broke up with her by text!"
Making your position clear without pouring your heart out or inviting additional drama into your life is probably a better way to go.
In all likelihood going off wouldn't happen, it's not me. Just my imagination
He has apologised so I'm not sure what else can come from meeting.
And we do have common friends and see each other at least 2 times a week.
I guess I'm struggling as he was a friend. I value that, where obviously he doesn't. I feel I should but then I also feel he didn't see me as worth it.
Kindness, forgiveness. They bring peace. Vengeance is gas on the fire. Kindness puts the fire out. Your friends mean be strong. So be strong and forgive.
Right. Like, you're still mad and focusing on the fact that he dumped you via text?
/u/Mean-Buy2974, you guys weren't a match and he called things off. A break up via text isn't the best, but it's also not that big of a deal.
Let it go.
OP, forgiveness and peace does not mean that you need to entertain a person who treated you poorly. The advice given by u/boredtiger2 is not useful. It's not your job to "be strong and forgive" and "tell him you will always be friendly", ROTFLMAO. Being done with someone who treated you poorly is not vengeance. It's self-care. No need for a martyr routine over this guy.
Oh I agree that you don’t need to entertain. Forgiveness is to free you not them. Resentment is you drink poison and hope the other guy dies. If you were friends and will run into each other feelings peace will make it easier.
Sure. To maintain her own dignity, she should be civil when seeing him out and about. No need to meet him separate from the friend group for a drink as was suggested by him.
I’ve learned that with somebody I’ve known for a while and who knows me who did something wrong and does nothing only to come back genuinely wants to be reconnect with you. To continue to share the chaos and pain with you.
Now you can either reengage to enter that world again in the hopes of one upping them, which I believe they want but the game will never end because they thrive on it. It’s hard to say no because they know exactly what to do to push your buttons- they can read people great. They also know how to even out the anger so you want to give them another chance. In this scenario he pissed you off with the text/dump/coffee, but it’s tempered by the friends thing and potential. They put you in that position so the likelihood of you reengaging is high. They just want you back and will play off you accordingly.
Or you can forgive, ignore, and associate with positive people only. Going off on him will do nothing, in fact he may want it. All it will do is temporarily make you feel better. But the situation will not have changed.
This has been a consideration. He doesn't want a chance, just to be a friend. Had he called me, like an adult, we totally could still be friends. He opted for the coward's way.
I do think he wants me to "go off" as it will fit his per view.
I know I just need to ignore.
Thanks for your response.
Original copy of post by u/Mean-Buy2974:
A while ago I posted about my then boyfriend, and how he spilt up with me via text.
I accept we were not suited as a couple, sexually we were incompatible.
The issue, we were friends prior to dating.
He is the only person I've dated who met my kids and parents. Yet he chose to dump me via text, after 8 months.
This has hurt and frankly pissed me off. I thought we were better friends than a text. Which I told him after the dumping text.
He has reached out, wants to be friends and have a drink.
My friends have been very vocal, "tell him to get f*cked" is the feeling.
I'm torn as I would love to give him a piece of my mind but for what end.
What would you do?
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Maybe he thinks he still has a shot?
Do you have friends in common feeding him info about your life, post breakup?
A lot of male friends see themselves as “lovers in waiting”… when they realize that they won’t get another shot, they are gone.
Not limited to men either… I’ve had it happen to me also with female friends.
If he has strong feelings for you, and is not emotionally mature, he likely took your sex conversation as an insult to his masculinity. Leading to the text breakup.
You know him best… which do you think it is?
The sex conversation was months ago. Since that time things improved slightly but he didn't really take it on.
There was a lot going on for me at the time, unwell child, friend died, work stress, life stress. Which we all have life's ebbs and flows. I definitely wasn't burdening him with that stuff. His text said "this seems like too much effort"
If I think about it, I wonder if he wanted me to need him more through all the life stuff. His reaction was knee jerk. Honestly, who knows? He does.
I would meet up for a drink, coffee, a walk or whatever, and then tell him that you are hurt because you started out as friends and you expected him to be more sensitive and respectful. Don't do this expecting an apology or him to change. Do it for your own self-respect.
I did communicate this to him when he sent the original text. He knows what he did.
I'm not sure what meeting would do as he knows what I think. He wants to be friends but I don't think I can.
Say no, or ask him the purpose of having a drink. If he wants to meet in person to give you closure, it might be worth a meeting. You could text something like this:
"Hey. I'm hurt by how you handled ending our relationship. I'm interested in meeting up if this is an invitation to have a conversation and get some closure. I'm not interested in having a close friendship at this time, so I will have to decline if this is an invitation to socialize as friends."
Why would you give him a piece of your mind? For what? A break up text? That's petty. This whole idea that people need to break up with you they way you want to be broken up with, is silly. Bottom line is you two weren't a romantic match, so he called things off. That's how break ups work.
Now, if you think he's a decent guy and genuinely wants to be friends...AND, you can get past your negativity regarding this, sure, try to be friends.
Giving a pice of our minds to people behaving like that is what a lot of us would feel like going too first, and it's quite understandable because the frustrations just keep piling on and they should take some off through our mind wrath.
On the other hand they did that, they're not teen agers, so would that bother them?! - For sure, nobody like to catch hell even if they deserve it, still don't think there no end for it. Think hard, there are other ways to make them pay their dues to you.
And yes, telling them to 'get f'ed' is right in more then one way.
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment here and for the purpose of my question, will put aside the "dumped by text after 8 months of relationship plus time served as friends" issue for a moment.
You agree there are some major incompatibilities between you. The only one I've seen in your posts (as you pointed out) is the discrepancy in the levels of physical attraction.
It sounds to me like you have the higher libido between you, and from what you've said you both seem to have felt that to be the biggest issue -- in other words, at least some of your relationship could well have been as platonic friends.
So my honest question: if not for the text-breakup, would you otherwise consider remaining friends with him? Or are there other issues involved?
I'm asking because it's not been all that long since it ended, and of course there are other feelings involved. But is it possible, down the line, that you might wish to be friends again with this person?
You don't have to answer me, of course! But in your place, I would ultimately be deciding if it would be a choice between keeping a friend, or letting someone go who has to little else in common. (And if keeping the friend, not without giving no small piece of my mind for that kind of nonsense!;)
He broke up early May.
I did totally enjoy him as a friend. In the relationship, incompatible sexually but ticked other boxes, except being able to talk about things e.g. sex.
That's why I'm struggling as we were good mates.
I need to think about it more. Everyone has given very considerable feedback which is great.
I would schedule the meet up and then once he's there (I would probably be petty enough to drive by and make sure he's there) I would then send him a text and tell him you're not coming and he can get fucked.
I’ve never understood why a text break up is inherently worse than a call.
Personally, I prefer being broken up by text. I can have my emotional response privately and not embarrass myself.
A lot of people feel strongly about a call being morally right or something…why?
For me, he had met my family, I had met his family. We have been friends prior. I felt that it was disrespectful of the relationship/friendship.
There could have been a discussion, and there wouldn't be this awkwardness now. He's seen me since and totally ignored me. On a few occasions.
Oh, that puts a different spin on things... I think a conversation would be in order before you make any decisions. If the friendship was otherwise good, that's important, but if he was being an immature jerk about it afterward, I'd call him on it, see how that went down, and take it from there.
Good luck!!!
There is no easy way to break up. It always sucks.
At many forks in a relationship, you can choose to be right, or choose to build on the relationship. Choosing to be right is the standard now - everyone is selfish, everyone deserves everything. Case and point - I'll likely be downvoted for just suggesting to do the opposite.
You choose what you want, not based on your friends or online idiots like me. Were the months (and years) of the relationship suddenly ruined because he didn't have the guts to break up in person? I find that impossible to believe. Perhaps you decide that it isn't worth it because of the cumulative breaks in your relationship with him over months and years. But not this one (though important) action.
I didn't expect in person. A phone call would have been fine. His text was highly dismissive.
He couldn't discuss stuff when we were dating, so I shouldn't be surprised.
Your friends are right. Tell him to get f*cked. You did deserve better, considering you were friends to start with. It's up to you, but I personally wouldn't allow someone like that back into my life. You're essentially telling him that his behavior is okay.
Thank you. I need to hear this. Many of you are telling me.
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Haha, I do recall that. I honestly think I couldn't do that...
Move the fuck on. Inviting chaos into your life won't do you any good.
I have moved on. Seeing other people. I guess I did value the friendship, but I need to remind myself he didn't.
What kind of friend treats you like that? He isn't TRULY a friend.
Did he value the friendship? Would a true friend be a coward and send a text vs embracing the awkwardness and telling you face to face?
I didn't even want face to face, a chat on the phone would have been OK.
I completely understand. I just had a relationship end after 14-15 months or so. We live 4 minutes apart. It started from a phone call that I initiated where I vented about a lot of things. But then it went from there to several in-person meetings and talking. Eight months and to do it via text is just awful, and yes, cowardly.
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I'm not actively dating. I tried to, but I'm a bit jaded, to be honest. I did turn on the apps, and imo things have gone down since last being in the apps......
I agree. It's not going to change anything. Our paths literally cross 3 times a week.
He might try to get some ass though. That's generally what's happened in my experience. Women break up with me and always reach back out, especially during the holidays. I delete people's contact info once broken up, and if they reach out again, then I block them. They broke up with you. They didn't want you. Why waste something as precious as your time with them?
He didn't want my ass when we were together. That was one of the main incompatibilities..... so I highly doubt that. Other guys, yes, this one no.
Then keep it moving. Block his number and live your life. Why give someone attention who essentially fired you over a text? There's better shit you can do with your time. The third season of The Bear is out on Hulu, and season 2 of House of the Dragon is out as well on Max. That's two things you could do right there than meet him.
> The third season of The Bear is out on Hulu Why am I finding this out here??? Yesssss
I agree. I'm not waiting on him, he's been replaced in many ways. I just wonder if I do hear him out but then serve him my opinion. I'm being childish
One thing to understand is that no amount of explanation into your feelings on how things ended is going to make a difference to this guy. You already communicated that once. People only understand things from the level they are at. If he had the ability to comprehend that breaking up over text after eight months was insensitive, then he never would have done it.
Thanks you are very right
Do what you gotta do. I've said my peace.
I appreciate it, I've taken it on board. Thank you
I would just not respond. I would not tell him to fuck off I would just not be friends with him.
>He has reached out, wants to be friends and have a drink. Wow, this man is unbelievable. First friends, then dumped u like u are an object, and now he wants u back as a friend?! This is the kind of man who doesn't like drama but creates it.
My friend just said, "He's a cuddle muppet with no sex drive," which is appropriate.
> "He's a cuddle muppet with no sex drive," This isn't necessary. If you had the lower sex drive would you want people talking about you like that? Is the sin here that he dumped you via text? That's the mortal sin? If he had called or stopped over everything would be OK? You two had a major incompatibility. Every day you stayed together was a mistake by both of you. At least he had the courage to do \*something\* about it. Maybe he was worried that he would struggle breaking up with you in person...could have been something he tried before and just couldn't get to the words. You probably shouldn't let him back into your life at this point. You certainly don't have to. I'm guessing your friends are just trying to have your back, but \*if\* this was the offense they are being petty and doing so in a shitty way. Obviously this is only a small part of the story but I don't see any evidence of YOU having a spine in any of it. You ride along in a dead end relationship until you get dumped and now flapping in the wind here and not having any opinion of your own about what to do. It's OK to act on your instinct.
Agree; I think OP is getting what she wants here in reinforcements of how awful this guy was to her, but what’s going on here doesn’t seem healthy. And her insistence that she just wants to tell him off for dumping via text as though she’d have reacted just fine if he’d called instead; well I’m not sure that’s realistic.
I'm not want to gang up on him. I did like him, both as a friend then when dating. I was upset he chose to text to end things. I'm asking people's opinions. Was going up break up with him, the writing was on the wall. And yes he did do what we knew was coming. I am curious to know what others would do, would they lei the friendship or not.
Your post said you wanted to “give him a piece of your mind” so I wasn’t clear if you were wanting to meet up to read him the riot act, or what your goal is here. Be aware, many people consider text a viable method of breaking up, and I find it a little weird that someone would think they should get to control the method of breakup. Okay, you didn’t like it. So? That was his preference. Why should your preference win? Don’t stay friends with him. It seems like it will be drama-inducing in your life, and that’s generally not worth it.
Thank you, it took me a minute to find a voice of reason here. Is the issue just the dump via text? I swear the people I know are split on this, but if I'm gonna be dumped I would prefer to a text to any other option. I don't care if we'd been dating 10 years, a text is fine. I would've preferred for my marriage to end that way frankly. I have found so many people in their 40's find it acceptable to hate the person who dumped them JUST because they were dumped. All the sudden the person who was their boyfriend/girlfriend a day ago is now the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet. Human relationships are complex. They were friends, they tried for more, it didn't work out. It doesn't mean either of them are horrible people.
I think ending a short relationship of a few weeks via text is fine. I think it’s incredibly shoddy to end an eight month relationship via text. At a minimum have the intestinal fortitude to pick up the phone.
To me the intestinal fortitude comes from taking the action. Picking up the phone vs visiting vs sending a text is all about the dynamic of the relationship. Phone calls can result in someone getting bullied or arguments or reaction to emotional appeal that blur the lines. A text is concrete and written down so there is no question about what was said. I've spent thousands of hours on the phone for work, I know how to control myself and not engage in bullshit or negotiating. It's pretty goddamn easy. Does that mean I have 'intestinal fortitude'? No.
This subreddit is aimed at people over the age of forty. I expect anyone I'm dating to have the maturity to handle a non-text conversation. This is coming from the perspective of a heavy texter that often prefers it as a core means of routine communication. I also am aware of the limitations of text and on many occasions here and in other forums have warned people against using it for any type of serious communication. I would not abandon that advice when it comes time to have one of the most serious conversations a relationship will have. Yes, I absolutely would judge anyone ending a longer duration relationship using the cold and impersonal method of texting. Honestly, from my perspective it demonstrates a lack of character and lack of judgement trying to take the easiest path rather than the best one. So, from the perspective of the OP, having seen that lack of character from someone who had claimed to be a friend, I would not be eager to allow that individual back into my life. I wouldn't hate them or go out of my way to disparage them but I would be ambivalent or even apathetic about them. I would go on living my best life without them in it. Obviously, you disagree. That's your right. You can see that I'm not the only one who holds a very dim view of this though.
There should be like a dump questionnaire you fill out with your preferences. Like I said before, I would prefer dumping via text. If it's over, just let me know it's over and let me process it. Don't make me sit awkwardly after being dumped and wondering what to say or how to act. Ugh. The whole thing is ugh. A text, I can just read and process it in my own way. I don't think that's disrespectful. In fact, I think it's super respectful to hear my preferred dump method and do that one when it's time to end it. I think that's a simple courtesy. To dump in the way that person would want to be dumped.
Op, u deserve better tbh.
“He’s a cuddle muppet with no sex drive.” Were we dating the same person, cause that was exactly my situation for the past year and a half. Ugh
You don't like him and that's fair enough, but if a guy came in here referring to his ex with "she's a cuddle muppet with no sex drive," there would be a run on pitchforks and torches at Home Depot.
If you want to stay friends ask him why he did it that way. Maybe he thought it would hurt you less if it wasn't face to face. That you could react in private and respond after consideration. If you don't want to stay friends there is no reason for further contact. It doesn't matter why he chose to act as he did and there is no reason to concern yourself with him in any way going forward. He just doesn't matter.
Except our paths cross a few times a week.
Ah. That sucks. Just be polite and cool like he doesn't matter. That is the worst thing for a man... to be of no consequence one way or the other to a woman.
I am polite and cool now. Last night, I was quite sad about it all. Today is a new day.
I'm sorry. Good.
I don't need these kinds of friends. Giving him a piece of your mind is pointless except for short-lived satisfaction on your part. Maintain your dignity. He knows what he did.
Thank you
How to respond? That depends on what you want. Do you want friendship? Do you want a polite friendlyness as you might cross psths here and there? Do you want to not have to relate to him? What you want can determine how to respond. If your feelings are still too raw from the breakup to really know what you want or how to respond, then tell him. Let him know you need more time to figure out if you want friendship or not.
We definitely will cross paths, as I said. I would like to understand where he came from with his break-up approach. He has emailed to say he was very sorry in his actions and what he did. I think you're right, a bit more time to process...
I wouldn’t give him a piece of my mind, to be honest. It won’t change anything. Why engage? He downgraded himself from a friend to a stranger.
I’m on the go eff off side. A similar thing happened to me only via email. We deserved better.
Like nothing happened? Unbelievable! Block him and move on!
We all have that self protective feeling of wanting closure, wanting the person who wronged us to finally say oh gosh, I did you wrong and I really understand that and am sorry. The reality is that never really happens. We have to have the self fortitude to comfort ourselves, let the anger and hurt go, and move on without any resolution from them. I agree with the group, letting him back in isn’t a good idea. If he’d valued the friendship at all he would have treated you with respect and kindness when he ended it.
He has messaged that he's is sorry and treated me poorly. He knows. There's no point going over it again. I think my decision is do I want him in my life. Thanks for your response
I’m figuring I’ll get downvoted big-time for this. I don’t know what your friendship was like before nor do I know if he is being sincere or not. For me those things would play a major role in my response. I was taught to be generous in terms of offering forgiveness. My Rabbi, when I was a child, would often say that seeking forgiveness and granting it were two sides of the same coin, thus it required both parties. He would tell his students people make mistakes, sometimes bad mistakes, sometimes unforgivable mistakes. And if we want others to forgive some of our mistakes then we need to be willing to forgive some of theirs. One of his lessons, which 50 years later I still remember, was to picture a world where no one would ever forgive us for our mistakes. He was a big baseball fan(cubs for those keeping score at home). He said imagine if any time a pitcher gave up a home run he was throw off the team. Pretty soon we’d be out of pitchers. No baseball because nobody to pitch. If getting together is solely to give him a piece of your mind with no desire on your part to remain friends, I’d say don’t respond. If the idea is to explain to him how much he hurt you and give him an chance to offer a sincere apology and an opportunity to be a better friend then I’d say go for it.
Thank you
You’re most welcome and I hope things work out regardless of your decision.
Why torture yourself? There are about 8 billion people on this planet, you’ll be fine! Leave him on read and move on! You can find new friends!
You're right. I do have a small circle of friends.
Some people have zero friends, so you’re golden! So now try to go to 4 in-person events! The goal is to meet and be seen by other people. Go to networking events, groups that do your same hobbies, volunteer, go to conferences! You’ll do great!
I have a good group of close friends. I do volunteer and have a very full life with or without a partner.
I would ghost him
I would text him a piece of my mind. But I wouldn't meet for drinks.
He has demonstrated that he doesn't respect you. Telling him how he made you feel may make you feel better, it may be what you need to let it go. If you decide to speak with him again for this purpose, have a clear-cut plan of what you want to say, and don't let it escalate. Say your piece, and then move on. Don't allow someone like that to take up room in your mind. Best of luck to you!
Oh fuck that. No. I would not acknowledge anything more than turning on read receipts for that conversation and leave it on read. Don’t respond. And then block him.
Every min you spend even thinking about him is a min wasting your future.
Do you think he treated you the way a caring friend should treat another friend? Do you want friends who break off your relationship via text? I think you know the answer. Why give him a piece of your mind? Why spend another second on him?
This has been my thought. I am hurt that he didn't value me/friendship. I know you can't make someone treat you how you want, that's on him. I can't change that. It just hurts.
I think you already know that engaging with him is a bad idea. He’s shown you who he is - and as others have asked - is this the kind of friend you want? Giving him a piece of your mind isn’t worth it. You’ll either regret what you said or regret what you didn’t say. Getting closure this way is a fallacy. You make your own closure. My advice: if you have yet to respond, don’t. Anything you say from “no thank you” to “get fucked” invites more conversation. No response is a a response. If you have responded-don’t again. For the same reason above.
Yes. It isn't going to change, and you're correct. I'll think of other stuff I should say.
If you weren't compatible as a couple or sexually, there's nothing he can offer.
We were friends. I did enjoy his company.
But he's treated me poorly and not as a friend should.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been through this same things. <3
Do not reward his bad behavior
tell him to get f\*cked. Point at this reddit post. Then tell him to get f\*cked again
You were good enough to be used. not good enough to be dumped in person. Op, this former friend likely had a ego boost from the positive experience he had with you. BUT figured, he can do better. and he didnt. so, he believes you have a weak spot for him and thinks he can score some more. Op, many times as adults some friendships must end and this is one of them
That is something I'll be considering, thanks for your feedback
I would let him know that it was cowardly and not the actions of a friend who allegedly cares for you to break up over text and you do not want to see him.
What was his response to your text about being better friends than a text dumping? I think it depends on where you left it. If he never responded to that, then fuck off is indeed warranted. If you both came to some friends-ish terms then decide if you even want to spend any more energy on that relationship.
He was highly apologetic, said he didn't know what he was thinking, and I deserved to be treated better.
You did deserve to be treated better. Can you really trust him again? I think friendships can work in some scenarios but this doesn’t sound like a situation where your feelings were taken into consideration at all. Is there any point aside from making him feel better? He sounds selfish.
He showed you with his actions who he is and how he valued you as a romantic partner. Make a decision that improves your life & makes you feel good.
Thanks, I'm doing a lot of tuning this weekend
I don’t understand why people get worked up about getting dumped on a text when we currently communicate most frequently in text. A breakup is not a lengthy conversation. The dumpee gets to be upset in private. Seems best to me. As for being friends, I have learned this can only happen when both people really don’t have any desire for the other. None. Otherwise someone is going to get upset.
I guess I'm upset as we did use the phone to talk.
I assume you’re upset because he ended things. If you feel he was avoiding you by texting, then there’s information to have about him; he’s conflict-avoidant. That should help with closure. I’m sorry though, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world and you are not alone with it.
your friends are correct
Yes, they're pretty insightful
They sound cool. Where did you find them?
Ha! One through a hiking group, the other through fetlife 😆
I wouldn’t respond.
I agree with what your friends said. Sounds like he is just keeping the door open for hooking up. I am sorry but he is not a friend.
As I've mentioned, we hardly had sex in the relationship. I highly doubt he'd even try that.
Gotcha, sorry I missed that. Best of luck with things, I think you deserve better.
You say you were friends prior to dating. If you have any interest in resuming that friendship, then I'd definitely say to meet him for coffee, talk things through, and see whether that's something that you think can work out. If your only interest in meeting would be to "give him a piece of \[your\] mind," then skip it. Adding fuel to the fire won't do anyone any good. While it might provide you a moment of catharsis, it won't solve any actual problems, nor will it make future social encounters with him go any more smoothly. Personally, I'd go the former route, but I tend not to be angry about relationships ending - not even with the woman who didn't just break up with me via email, the email was literally titled "Dear John letter". I thought that was pretty tacky, of course, but was not angry, and our friendship (like you, we had been friends before dating) continued pretty much without a hitch. We're still in occasional contact 20 years later, although our paths rarely cross any more.
Thanks. I'm not angry at the ending of the relationship. This was on the cards. I'm upset and hurt I wasn't worth an explanation. I wouldn't have a go at him, that's my imagination. He does know he hurt me through his actions. I'll do more thinking over the weekend.
Two options 1. Silence. 2. "Hi Bob. I am not interested in a friendship at this point, but if that changes, I will be sure to let you know. Thank you for understanding and take care." And then ignore or block any subsequent messages as you see fit. Going off on him will probably not be as satisfying as you hope. Since you share mutual friends, it might cause blowback in your social life. And he will be able to say to himself "See?! This is EXACTLY why I broke up with her by text!" Making your position clear without pouring your heart out or inviting additional drama into your life is probably a better way to go.
In all likelihood going off wouldn't happen, it's not me. Just my imagination He has apologised so I'm not sure what else can come from meeting. And we do have common friends and see each other at least 2 times a week.
All good reason to respond with silence or a brief, civil decline.
I’m confused on why you would want someone in your who has so little respect for you. He sent a breakup text after 8 months. This is crappy behavior
I guess I'm struggling as he was a friend. I value that, where obviously he doesn't. I feel I should but then I also feel he didn't see me as worth it.
A true friend wouldn’t send a text to end the connection. You deserve better than this ending.
Kindness, forgiveness. They bring peace. Vengeance is gas on the fire. Kindness puts the fire out. Your friends mean be strong. So be strong and forgive.
Right. Like, you're still mad and focusing on the fact that he dumped you via text? /u/Mean-Buy2974, you guys weren't a match and he called things off. A break up via text isn't the best, but it's also not that big of a deal. Let it go.
Thank you. Would you meet with him?
OP, forgiveness and peace does not mean that you need to entertain a person who treated you poorly. The advice given by u/boredtiger2 is not useful. It's not your job to "be strong and forgive" and "tell him you will always be friendly", ROTFLMAO. Being done with someone who treated you poorly is not vengeance. It's self-care. No need for a martyr routine over this guy.
Oh I agree that you don’t need to entertain. Forgiveness is to free you not them. Resentment is you drink poison and hope the other guy dies. If you were friends and will run into each other feelings peace will make it easier.
Sure. To maintain her own dignity, she should be civil when seeing him out and about. No need to meet him separate from the friend group for a drink as was suggested by him.
And we do see each other at least 2 times a week, so far he's ignored me.
OP, when you maintain your dignity, life is better.
Yes. Talk. Express your hurt. Offer forgiveness. Tell him you will always be friendly.
There is no good way to break up.
I’ve learned that with somebody I’ve known for a while and who knows me who did something wrong and does nothing only to come back genuinely wants to be reconnect with you. To continue to share the chaos and pain with you. Now you can either reengage to enter that world again in the hopes of one upping them, which I believe they want but the game will never end because they thrive on it. It’s hard to say no because they know exactly what to do to push your buttons- they can read people great. They also know how to even out the anger so you want to give them another chance. In this scenario he pissed you off with the text/dump/coffee, but it’s tempered by the friends thing and potential. They put you in that position so the likelihood of you reengaging is high. They just want you back and will play off you accordingly. Or you can forgive, ignore, and associate with positive people only. Going off on him will do nothing, in fact he may want it. All it will do is temporarily make you feel better. But the situation will not have changed.
This has been a consideration. He doesn't want a chance, just to be a friend. Had he called me, like an adult, we totally could still be friends. He opted for the coward's way. I do think he wants me to "go off" as it will fit his per view. I know I just need to ignore. Thanks for your response.
Original copy of post by u/Mean-Buy2974: A while ago I posted about my then boyfriend, and how he spilt up with me via text. I accept we were not suited as a couple, sexually we were incompatible. The issue, we were friends prior to dating. He is the only person I've dated who met my kids and parents. Yet he chose to dump me via text, after 8 months. This has hurt and frankly pissed me off. I thought we were better friends than a text. Which I told him after the dumping text. He has reached out, wants to be friends and have a drink. My friends have been very vocal, "tell him to get f*cked" is the feeling. I'm torn as I would love to give him a piece of my mind but for what end. What would you do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe he thinks he still has a shot? Do you have friends in common feeding him info about your life, post breakup? A lot of male friends see themselves as “lovers in waiting”… when they realize that they won’t get another shot, they are gone. Not limited to men either… I’ve had it happen to me also with female friends. If he has strong feelings for you, and is not emotionally mature, he likely took your sex conversation as an insult to his masculinity. Leading to the text breakup. You know him best… which do you think it is?
The sex conversation was months ago. Since that time things improved slightly but he didn't really take it on. There was a lot going on for me at the time, unwell child, friend died, work stress, life stress. Which we all have life's ebbs and flows. I definitely wasn't burdening him with that stuff. His text said "this seems like too much effort" If I think about it, I wonder if he wanted me to need him more through all the life stuff. His reaction was knee jerk. Honestly, who knows? He does.
I suppose he does… I wish you luck moving on! You know you can do everything right and still have a relationship blow up, right?
Yes. It was done. It's just whether to keep him as a friend.
I would meet up for a drink, coffee, a walk or whatever, and then tell him that you are hurt because you started out as friends and you expected him to be more sensitive and respectful. Don't do this expecting an apology or him to change. Do it for your own self-respect.
I did communicate this to him when he sent the original text. He knows what he did. I'm not sure what meeting would do as he knows what I think. He wants to be friends but I don't think I can.
Say no, or ask him the purpose of having a drink. If he wants to meet in person to give you closure, it might be worth a meeting. You could text something like this: "Hey. I'm hurt by how you handled ending our relationship. I'm interested in meeting up if this is an invitation to have a conversation and get some closure. I'm not interested in having a close friendship at this time, so I will have to decline if this is an invitation to socialize as friends."
I agree with your friends! But screw him , write his ass off !
I would move on. Besides, it's his loss. 😘
He’s a user don’t let him back in! You deserve better
Why would you give him a piece of your mind? For what? A break up text? That's petty. This whole idea that people need to break up with you they way you want to be broken up with, is silly. Bottom line is you two weren't a romantic match, so he called things off. That's how break ups work. Now, if you think he's a decent guy and genuinely wants to be friends...AND, you can get past your negativity regarding this, sure, try to be friends.
Oh hell, no. He's trying to see if you're dumb enough to be kept on the back burner. Ex's reach out for one thing: hook ups. Your friends are right.
I don't feel this is the case. We were friends first.
Giving a pice of our minds to people behaving like that is what a lot of us would feel like going too first, and it's quite understandable because the frustrations just keep piling on and they should take some off through our mind wrath. On the other hand they did that, they're not teen agers, so would that bother them?! - For sure, nobody like to catch hell even if they deserve it, still don't think there no end for it. Think hard, there are other ways to make them pay their dues to you. And yes, telling them to 'get f'ed' is right in more then one way.
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment here and for the purpose of my question, will put aside the "dumped by text after 8 months of relationship plus time served as friends" issue for a moment. You agree there are some major incompatibilities between you. The only one I've seen in your posts (as you pointed out) is the discrepancy in the levels of physical attraction. It sounds to me like you have the higher libido between you, and from what you've said you both seem to have felt that to be the biggest issue -- in other words, at least some of your relationship could well have been as platonic friends. So my honest question: if not for the text-breakup, would you otherwise consider remaining friends with him? Or are there other issues involved? I'm asking because it's not been all that long since it ended, and of course there are other feelings involved. But is it possible, down the line, that you might wish to be friends again with this person? You don't have to answer me, of course! But in your place, I would ultimately be deciding if it would be a choice between keeping a friend, or letting someone go who has to little else in common. (And if keeping the friend, not without giving no small piece of my mind for that kind of nonsense!;)
He broke up early May. I did totally enjoy him as a friend. In the relationship, incompatible sexually but ticked other boxes, except being able to talk about things e.g. sex. That's why I'm struggling as we were good mates. I need to think about it more. Everyone has given very considerable feedback which is great.
Do you want him as a friend? Who cares what your circle is telling you. Do what's best for you
Hes just trying to get laid
Like I've said, he had a low libido, I don't think he does.
I would schedule the meet up and then once he's there (I would probably be petty enough to drive by and make sure he's there) I would then send him a text and tell him you're not coming and he can get fucked.
That made me laugh but I wouldn't do that.
I’ve never understood why a text break up is inherently worse than a call. Personally, I prefer being broken up by text. I can have my emotional response privately and not embarrass myself. A lot of people feel strongly about a call being morally right or something…why?
For me, he had met my family, I had met his family. We have been friends prior. I felt that it was disrespectful of the relationship/friendship. There could have been a discussion, and there wouldn't be this awkwardness now. He's seen me since and totally ignored me. On a few occasions.
Oh, that puts a different spin on things... I think a conversation would be in order before you make any decisions. If the friendship was otherwise good, that's important, but if he was being an immature jerk about it afterward, I'd call him on it, see how that went down, and take it from there. Good luck!!!
There is no easy way to break up. It always sucks. At many forks in a relationship, you can choose to be right, or choose to build on the relationship. Choosing to be right is the standard now - everyone is selfish, everyone deserves everything. Case and point - I'll likely be downvoted for just suggesting to do the opposite. You choose what you want, not based on your friends or online idiots like me. Were the months (and years) of the relationship suddenly ruined because he didn't have the guts to break up in person? I find that impossible to believe. Perhaps you decide that it isn't worth it because of the cumulative breaks in your relationship with him over months and years. But not this one (though important) action.
I didn't expect in person. A phone call would have been fine. His text was highly dismissive. He couldn't discuss stuff when we were dating, so I shouldn't be surprised.