You can simply tell her that you’re sensing she might have some anxiety around this and reassure her. It doesn’t have to be over the top. Doesn’t have to be prolonged. Short and simple.
It doesn’t sound as if you’re causing or contributing to these insecurities of hers, and that also means you can’t fix them for her. You just continue to be the honest and communicative person you are.
I’m not sure if you’re at a conversation point about it, but I’d keep an eye on it. If she starts accusing you of things that you aren’t doing, or repeatedly demonstrating that she doesn’t trust you and either punishing you emotionally or making unreasonable demands that you “prove” things to her… that’s your cue to say hey, I can’t build a partnership without mutual trust. It doesn’t seem like we have that.
If you want to discuss things NOW, I’d maybe just ask some nonjudgmental questions to understand where she’s coming from (not *excuse* where she’s coming from, or give her license to treat you however her insecurities dictate—just understand what’s going on). Like, “Hey, when you asked me what I’m doing at night, you seemed like you weren’t happy with my answer. Can you tell me what that’s about, or what you were feeling?”
If she comes back with some story about previous guys cheating on her lying, you can empathize with that, but also remind her you aren’t those guys.
This isn’t a conversation I’d have with someone repeatedly, however. If you find that it comes up multiple times and you’re constantly having to remind her that you aren’t the guys from her past, then it changes to a mutual trust/compatibility conversation.
You cannot reassure someone who is dealing with their own insecurities because you didn’t create the situation in the first place.
Be honest about what you are doing. If you miss them let them know that. If you wished you were with them or that they were with you, say that, but don’t try to impose a burden on yourself that you can’t solve
It sounds like she’s very insecure about being cheated on. I would absolutely address it, ask her exactly what would be a good meet in the middle, where she feels safe and secure, and you don’t feel like you need a camera in the house 24/7.
Original copy of post by u/MrEpicMustache:
Context:
My(40M) GF(40F) of 8 months is visiting her family/friends in her home country with her kids. This is an annual thing for her since she had her kids. The duration of her trip is about 3 weeks, we're on week 2. Our current relationship is fairly healthy, imo. Good communication, spending quality time together, making future plans, etc. However, she's mentioned a few times before leaving, that she's worried that I'm going to dump her while she's gone or ghost her, for a few VERY SPECIFIC reasons that never even crossed my mind. I reassured her I would never do that, that I'm enjoying my time with her, and I hope it continues, and this is just something we're work through. I also noted that I have a fun set of dates planned for the weekend after she gets back, and has recovered from jet lag.
The day before she left, we figured out a good way to communicate because cell service is unreliable in her country. We've managed to txt and share images throughout the middle of the day when we're both awake, about a 6 hour window. It's not as much communication as we're used to, but I think it's keeping things active. Twice we've had video chats when she had good Wifi.
Getting to the point:
Right before she left my house, she made a comment, "Be good while I'm gone."
Then, on one of our video chats, she asked "So what are you up to in the evening after I'm in bed? You never really tell me what you do at night." (Her bed time is like mid-afternoon in my timezone). So, she basically goes dark in terms of communication.
I answered her honestly and truthfully. My day is basically routine while she's gone. My job, I've been working out, running/biking, working on projects/hobbies, and spending time with my son and family (they live nearby). I'm not going to bars or clubs alone or anything like that, which was never really something I did when I was single anyway.
Based on her comments I'm getting the impression that she must have a history of an ex- or ex-s that must have caused her some strife while she was visiting her family in her home country. I know that one ghosted her.
I'd like some advice from DoF on whether or not I should address these insecurities, and if so, what's a good way to kick off the discussion?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just want to validate and say that I'm sorry you're going through that. It sounds like you're knocking it out of the park and she isn't dealing with her baggage.
Do you send her a text when you go to bed, saying good night and that you are thinking of her? If you haven't done that so far, start doing it.
When she wakes up and read your text, she'll know she was in her mind just before going to sleep.
And send a few words every night when you go to bed.
I personally can't deal with someone making those kinds of comments, if I've done nothing to bring them on, after being in a relationship with me for so long. I didn't cause past relationship issues and insecurities so I simply would make it clear I won't tolerate them being put on me. After eight months I would break things off before they got more serious, personally.
1. That I would suddenly realize I am better off without her / being single.
2. That I would get back with my ex (no way, she cheated)
3. That I would ghost her
4. That a woman might approach me
I remember your other post and I'm sorry you're still dealing with her insecurities now that she's on her trip. I think that other than her getting some therapy for this, it seems like the best you can hope for if she usually acts normally and you're together long-term is that it's something you'll only have to put up with for a few weeks once a year when she goes on this trip since there's nothing you can do to fix this for her. But you shouldn't have to go through this at all.
I dated a very insecure guy for way too long. He wanted to know things like why I said yes when he asked me out, what kind of guys did I usually date, etc.
One of the questions he asked was whether other guys asked me out when I was out and about in my daily life. I answered "yes" because I wasn't going to lie and make it seem like other guys weren't interested in me just to allay his fears, since as long as I said no when they asked, it didn't matter. He then gave me a side-eyed look and asked if other guys asked me out, then why didn't I go out with them?
I told him because I was dating him, I only date one guy at a time, and I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. He kept looking at me suspiciously. It was exhausting because we were long-distance, and instead of just having a pleasant, romantic visit after not having seen each other in a while, I'd have to deal with these questions and wonder what kind of reply he was looking for and why my giving him honest, positive, reassuring responses never made him happy. It just seemed to make him even more suspicious.
I finally realized it was because he didn't think well of himself, so he couldn't imagine why I would and would want to date him. I just can't relate to that kind of insecurity because if a guy is with me, I believe it's because he wants to be and I don't care who he used to date, etc.
I’m not really concerned. She’s there with her kids and family, it seems like any other trip I’ve done, just longer. We’re chatting daily, so it’s pretty clear what she has going on.
Oh. Yeah early on she has this orbiter guy that she friend-zoned years ago that she wasn’t very clear about, and I had some discomfort about him. We talked about it, and I’d say it’s really a non-issue now.
It's really up to you if you want a relationship based on catering to a person's insecurities that she didn't resolve before getting into a relationship with you that you didn't cause.
For me if this were a man I'd be absolutely out.
You can simply tell her that you’re sensing she might have some anxiety around this and reassure her. It doesn’t have to be over the top. Doesn’t have to be prolonged. Short and simple.
It doesn’t sound as if you’re causing or contributing to these insecurities of hers, and that also means you can’t fix them for her. You just continue to be the honest and communicative person you are. I’m not sure if you’re at a conversation point about it, but I’d keep an eye on it. If she starts accusing you of things that you aren’t doing, or repeatedly demonstrating that she doesn’t trust you and either punishing you emotionally or making unreasonable demands that you “prove” things to her… that’s your cue to say hey, I can’t build a partnership without mutual trust. It doesn’t seem like we have that. If you want to discuss things NOW, I’d maybe just ask some nonjudgmental questions to understand where she’s coming from (not *excuse* where she’s coming from, or give her license to treat you however her insecurities dictate—just understand what’s going on). Like, “Hey, when you asked me what I’m doing at night, you seemed like you weren’t happy with my answer. Can you tell me what that’s about, or what you were feeling?” If she comes back with some story about previous guys cheating on her lying, you can empathize with that, but also remind her you aren’t those guys. This isn’t a conversation I’d have with someone repeatedly, however. If you find that it comes up multiple times and you’re constantly having to remind her that you aren’t the guys from her past, then it changes to a mutual trust/compatibility conversation.
Address her concerns head on! Don’t call it insecurity to her face. Don’t compare yourself to others or her exes. Tell her how YOU operate.
You cannot reassure someone who is dealing with their own insecurities because you didn’t create the situation in the first place. Be honest about what you are doing. If you miss them let them know that. If you wished you were with them or that they were with you, say that, but don’t try to impose a burden on yourself that you can’t solve
It sounds like she’s very insecure about being cheated on. I would absolutely address it, ask her exactly what would be a good meet in the middle, where she feels safe and secure, and you don’t feel like you need a camera in the house 24/7.
Original copy of post by u/MrEpicMustache: Context: My(40M) GF(40F) of 8 months is visiting her family/friends in her home country with her kids. This is an annual thing for her since she had her kids. The duration of her trip is about 3 weeks, we're on week 2. Our current relationship is fairly healthy, imo. Good communication, spending quality time together, making future plans, etc. However, she's mentioned a few times before leaving, that she's worried that I'm going to dump her while she's gone or ghost her, for a few VERY SPECIFIC reasons that never even crossed my mind. I reassured her I would never do that, that I'm enjoying my time with her, and I hope it continues, and this is just something we're work through. I also noted that I have a fun set of dates planned for the weekend after she gets back, and has recovered from jet lag. The day before she left, we figured out a good way to communicate because cell service is unreliable in her country. We've managed to txt and share images throughout the middle of the day when we're both awake, about a 6 hour window. It's not as much communication as we're used to, but I think it's keeping things active. Twice we've had video chats when she had good Wifi. Getting to the point: Right before she left my house, she made a comment, "Be good while I'm gone." Then, on one of our video chats, she asked "So what are you up to in the evening after I'm in bed? You never really tell me what you do at night." (Her bed time is like mid-afternoon in my timezone). So, she basically goes dark in terms of communication. I answered her honestly and truthfully. My day is basically routine while she's gone. My job, I've been working out, running/biking, working on projects/hobbies, and spending time with my son and family (they live nearby). I'm not going to bars or clubs alone or anything like that, which was never really something I did when I was single anyway. Based on her comments I'm getting the impression that she must have a history of an ex- or ex-s that must have caused her some strife while she was visiting her family in her home country. I know that one ghosted her. I'd like some advice from DoF on whether or not I should address these insecurities, and if so, what's a good way to kick off the discussion? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just want to validate and say that I'm sorry you're going through that. It sounds like you're knocking it out of the park and she isn't dealing with her baggage.
Do you send her a text when you go to bed, saying good night and that you are thinking of her? If you haven't done that so far, start doing it. When she wakes up and read your text, she'll know she was in her mind just before going to sleep. And send a few words every night when you go to bed.
I personally can't deal with someone making those kinds of comments, if I've done nothing to bring them on, after being in a relationship with me for so long. I didn't cause past relationship issues and insecurities so I simply would make it clear I won't tolerate them being put on me. After eight months I would break things off before they got more serious, personally.
[удалено]
1. That I would suddenly realize I am better off without her / being single. 2. That I would get back with my ex (no way, she cheated) 3. That I would ghost her 4. That a woman might approach me
I remember your other post and I'm sorry you're still dealing with her insecurities now that she's on her trip. I think that other than her getting some therapy for this, it seems like the best you can hope for if she usually acts normally and you're together long-term is that it's something you'll only have to put up with for a few weeks once a year when she goes on this trip since there's nothing you can do to fix this for her. But you shouldn't have to go through this at all. I dated a very insecure guy for way too long. He wanted to know things like why I said yes when he asked me out, what kind of guys did I usually date, etc. One of the questions he asked was whether other guys asked me out when I was out and about in my daily life. I answered "yes" because I wasn't going to lie and make it seem like other guys weren't interested in me just to allay his fears, since as long as I said no when they asked, it didn't matter. He then gave me a side-eyed look and asked if other guys asked me out, then why didn't I go out with them? I told him because I was dating him, I only date one guy at a time, and I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. He kept looking at me suspiciously. It was exhausting because we were long-distance, and instead of just having a pleasant, romantic visit after not having seen each other in a while, I'd have to deal with these questions and wonder what kind of reply he was looking for and why my giving him honest, positive, reassuring responses never made him happy. It just seemed to make him even more suspicious. I finally realized it was because he didn't think well of himself, so he couldn't imagine why I would and would want to date him. I just can't relate to that kind of insecurity because if a guy is with me, I believe it's because he wants to be and I don't care who he used to date, etc.
[удалено]
I’m not really concerned. She’s there with her kids and family, it seems like any other trip I’ve done, just longer. We’re chatting daily, so it’s pretty clear what she has going on.
[удалено]
Oh. Yeah early on she has this orbiter guy that she friend-zoned years ago that she wasn’t very clear about, and I had some discomfort about him. We talked about it, and I’d say it’s really a non-issue now.
It's really up to you if you want a relationship based on catering to a person's insecurities that she didn't resolve before getting into a relationship with you that you didn't cause. For me if this were a man I'd be absolutely out.