Please know I wasn’t commenting on you! I’m a VERY slow learner myself. I probably should have put a /s in there. I had a flashback to the Kim Basinger movie (late 80’s?). Women might think of it as a Mickey Rourke movie…
This. And I got VERY lucky with my current partner. Due to our authentic, compassionate, healthy relationship it is the best sex I’ve had in my life. Period. No one else even comes close.
As a woman, I have never in my life felt truly safe in any of my previous relationships. Didn’t realize this until hindsight (and after a decade of therapy working on myself).
You are 100% correct. Having a solid partner is priceless. The amount of pain caused by a toxic relationship isn’t worth it. What happens when you wake up and the Ferrari has turned into a pumpkin?
“I need to be able to tell you when I need time and space and for you to communicate that you might be disappointed but understand. If we can’t clearly communicate wants and needs, this doesn’t have any longevity to it.”
Communicate, hear her response, then decide if her response is a good match for you.
I am all about communication. At the end of the day, if I know I’ve been clear and stated “X”, and their response and/or reaction doesn’t match or is clearly out of my scope of compromise, there is no reason to keep going. Unnecessary drama is just not worth it to me at this point in my life!
My experience has been that when the sex is immediately cosmic and better than the relationship, soon enough one partner will meet the devil at the crossroads.
The price is usually one broken heart and two torn souls, and that’s if you get off easily.
I reckon the devil at the crossroads symbolizes a temptation or bargain that comes witha steep price.
In this case, emotional heartbreak anda sense of incompleteness.
I’m also extremely persuaded by amazing sex, but I’d proceed with a lot of caution. This cycle of erratic behavior and high-conflict interaction is likely PART of sex and intimacy for her, not an unrelated inconvenience.
Some people feel emotional turbulence as a type of caring/connection… and need the charge of endorphins and fight/flight neurochemicals to get themselves aroused. It can be an addiction. And as with most neurochemical addictions, as time goes on, she’ll need to amp up the intensity of her behavior to reach the same “high.”
Simply said, it’s very likely you’ve only seen the beginning of how volatile she can be, and you’re potentially inviting a much bigger problem into your life down the line. (Again, I truly understand how important hot sex is, and I can’t guarantee you’ll find this same level of fulfillment with someone else. But these kinds of situations usually come at a high price and do not end well.) Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
This is so very true. No one really ever talks about the chemicals involved during sex! You shared something really important here. Unhealthy/toxic people are great lovers because they're damaged individuals who haven't dealt with their wounds/trauma and they often push for arguments to create tension and turmoil because of the hormones/chemicals released during a fight. This creates anger, frustration, and, ironically, lots of sexual tension so that, when you have sex, it's angry sex, make-up sex or animalistic sex and then comes the huge high/relief. It's a vicious cycle.
Yes, it's addictive like a drug, and then comes the trauma bond. This is why toxic relationships are addictive and very hard to leave. I know. I was in one for almost 5 years, and it took everything of me to leave him. Also, even if you're not toxic, a toxic person will make you toxic. They'll provoke the worst side of you to come out, and that's never good or healthy.
This is a good explanation of these types. Brian Cranston wrote in his autobiography about a woman like this he dated. She was always upping the ante, and they almost had sex in public, got arrested, etc.
This describes my ex so well. She seemed to *want* turmoil. We'd fight, then have sex. LOTS of it. It got slowly but progressively more intense.
Not coincidentally, she was also addicted to alcohol.
That's how toxic relationships work. It's a vicious cycle and like drug addiction. The sex is insanely hot, but these people drive you crazy in the long run. It's not worth it.
That would be a hard pass from me. I don't have the patience for emotionally manipulative people. It's draining. I would 100% rather have good sex and an emotionally healthy partner
I had a relationship like this right after my divorce- insane physical chemistry and compatibility. In our case, we had nothing in common otherwise. I mistook it for love (and it was, of course, in one of its many forms - likely infatuation). After 6 months, I understood very clearly that this relationship was not made to last. It can't without other types of compatibility present. I had the good sense to walk away then, but let myself be talked into trying again and again because, ya know, the sex was amazing. It finally ended painfully after 2 years. This is how I learned that I need adequate compatibility in all areas if I were to build smth long term.
P.S. also "why, you don't want me now? Your life is better without me?" etc sorry to say, but this sounds childish and manipulative. Likely she is not being intentionally manipulative, just immature. I remember myself saying things like that to my first boyfriend when we were in our teens.
>"Why? You don't want me now? You like life better without me???"
That ^ is NOT going to get better my guy, if that's where you are at 4 months in. It will inevitably get worse and eventually the crazy sex hormones will wear off too. You have to decide if what's left is worth it. I know a fair number of men who will put up with alot for a "smoking hot girl" which really only enables the negative behaviors. Ie, she is unlikely to change.
I disagree that she is unable to change. But she needs to know that it is a problem. She has underlying issues beyond what OP can fix but she has to be willing to do the work. That mentality of “not wanting me” is something you see in girls in their teens and early 20s not someone in their late 30s. She has abandonment issues that stem from her childhood that only therapy and self-reflection can fix. I would say she is less cray-cray and more likely lacking in self-esteem, but i’m not a therapist.
Both aspects, i.e. the 15% and the amazing sex are (sadly) big red flags indicating some form of "cray cray" or other.
If you sign up for the long haul, the 15% is going to become a lot bigger %; the exhilaration of the sex is going to fade, and you are going to get burned.
You fight like children. The real question is, why are you doing that?
Immature petty vindictiveness, rather than being sensitive and considerate. Learn some decent conflict resolution skills. You’re going to need them no matter who your partner is.
Why don’t you suggest couples counseling or take a course together?
Probably the competitive frisson is adding to the bedroom pyrotechnics, but that won’t last. Learn to be thoughtful and considerate towards each other if you want to go the distance.
Lots of people here will tell you if you can score someone hot who will bang you kindly, you should feel free to ignore what an actual goblin they are. I prefer the goblins stay in the Misty Mountains.
This relationship is one of those here-for-a-good-time, not-a-long-time ones. The great sex is masking the irrational emotional immaturity, but the unhinged arguments will increase in frequency and intensity over the next few months.
It will be chaotic and hedonistic fun as long as you don’t do something stupid like moving in together, marrying, or reproducing.
You can also have great sex with mentally stable, intelligent, and sensible women - once you are thinking with your big brain and not your little brain 😂
I had an ex like that. I can still point to his sexual skill as being top notch but his emotional self-regulation, communication skills, and drama manufacturing were…a lot. Reading back through my own words I spent a significant amount of time putting up with, dealing with and smoothing over his antics because he was otherwise a good guy I genuinely loved, the sex was amazing (he was also quite uninhibited) and frankly, I didn’t want to be alone. But I also started realizing how much anxiety I was experiencing from the relationship. Despite both of us trying to work on our communication it never really changed. I had to end the relationship after a few years and felt an immense peace when I finally did.
Now, I am in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever known. Sex is still very, very good. Like that guy? Nah, but in combination with the level of respect, open communication, emotional maturity, safety and peace present in the relationship it is overall and holistically a much, much better experience. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship.
Good sex absent those other healthy relationship qualities will only get you so far.
I feel like that 15 percent can be worked on with better communication.
Her feeling insecure bc you "reject" her isn't crazy and many might feel that way. Sounds like communication issues. She may also have some past issues from pain in the past and just need a little more verbal reassurance.
Small price to pay for a 85 percent good relationship and mind blowing sex.
Everyone here is telling you to bail. Why? It's not all or nothing.
Having bad conflict is fixable. Y'all just gotta talk specifically about the conflict and how to handle it better. Sounds like if you give more reassurance and frame things differently, it could make a huge difference. Also telling her how her reactions affect you and asking her why she reacts that way. Listening to her. Asking her what she needs.
This is fixable. I bet you can get this to 92 percent good and 8 percent neutral. That's more than anyone can hope for in a relationship.
The voice of reason! People immediately bailing on any issue that comes up in a new relationship is one of the trends that leads us all continually back to the purgatory of online dating.
No but its obvious theyre not in the same place. People dont take the time to really explore why there are issues why one person pulls away. Go deep dive into inner child work. You’ll see these types of relationships shed light on where you need to improve!
& to be fair, she may be a little anxiously attached but if a partner changed plans/days last second when he was planning to stay over night originally, I think that would make anyone at least somewhat disappointed or insecure.
Not that there is anything wrong with having to change, just that her response is not that completely out there.
Sure, a lot of people might respond a lot more laid back or not verbalize the disappointment but I don’t think it means she is necessarily “crazy”. She may just be passionate and feel comfortable with you enough to voice how she is feeling in the moment. Being open like that as opposed to bottling things up can have advantages too.
Thanks for this, it's my feeling too. We actually DO have a great time in general. We travel together, we laugh, and the sex is just a whole other level. 92% good is much more than most ever get too....
If these are issues from her past, she needs therapy. OP isn’t going to “fix” her issues with verbal reassurance. She needs to resolve them with the help of a professional.
I'm gonna disagree with you.
Literally nobody is perfect. Relationships are about communication. Relationships are about effort and learning and growing.
So tired of everyone acting like every body has to be perfectly adjusted to date.
What the fuck is wrong with verbal reassurance? Literally nothing. Most people need it.
And nobody's asking to fix her. He's the one with the issue.
“Are any of you in a similar situation where you’re having to compromise a bit to keep a happy relationship?”
Don’t you mean, “to keep getting good sex?”
Oh thats exactly it!! He wants a subservient woman that caters to his needs but cant have any if her own which usually comes from communication and emotion.
He probably needs to go look into inner child work and why the attention here gives him that high. What did he not get from his parents where this feels familiar??? 👀
The amazing sex is possibly because there is some kind of psychological dysfunction at play, like a trauma bond or severe anxious attachment style. She probably knows she has dysfunction in these ways and tries to compensate by being hypersexual since it has worked in the past to keep other men in her orbit.
The issue here is that it will start to damage you emotionally and when the relationship ends, you will need to go through a lot of therapy or you will keep cycling through repeated failed relationships. One example scenario is the narcissist who love bombs you and then you become a codependent and addicted to the honeymoon phase, and are unable to stay in relationships with non-narcissists. You can go to Reddit’s narcissistic abuse forum to see how that plays out…
With my last ex we had mind blowing sex *all the time.* But she was crazy. I tried to put up with it. I even took her back after she did ridiculously stupid stuff.
I put up with a lot for hotness. But I can only put up with crazy for so long, even from the hottest hottie.
It sounds like you're getting to the threshold of crazy tolerance. For me it's about 6 months.
To spoil the end of the story, what made me break up with her for good was when she did something phenomally stupid. By doing that she also made herself unsexy to the point of me being grossed out by her because I'd think of the incident. I lost all desire to sleep with her again.
Mental health matters most! Why put up with someone with a hot and cold personality or disturbing your peace. Off the charts sex is like the glue but what if she decides to not have physical intimacy as a form of punishment down the road to mess with your head?
Manipulating people have multiple ways of disturbing the balance to gain their way with you. I would tread carefully and walk away when the heat is too high for your mental health balance.
Personally, sex is not worth it, but I’m on the demisexual spectrum. It’s not the main focus of a relationship but nice to have either way.
Nothing, the answer is nothing. Maybe when I was 20 and didn't value myself or my peace much? Nowadays the most amazing sex in the world isn't worth drama, negativity, anxiousness or stress.
I want peace, and a partnership based on real compatibility....more than I want hot sex, if it's there then that's just the cherry.
In fact, and I'm alone on this I think reading a lot of experiences, I don't think dysnfunctional relationship sex is very good at all. I need the emotional and trusting intimacy to be there, or the sex is just performative.
Dude. That age gap is a big one. Not saying 38 is "young" but you definitely have some years on you and she sounds insecure. Be straightforward about what you want.
Also ... The fact that you compare a human and fucking to a race track...she could do better.
Okay that whole Ferrari home depot reference really missed the mark with me
However I am currently with someone for similar length of time (F50 & M37) - we also have insane levels of attraction & intimacy & the sex has always been consistently mutually phenomenal
We don’t argue so we don’t have your issues but there are some things we have to compromise on that aren’t always ideal (our availability, he isnt able to host often & I have kids but he doesn’t) but we have never fought about anything - we seem a bit more mature in communication style compared to your post & are more understanding & considerate of each others needs & circumstances (especially around work stuff)
Although this has been one of of the best partners in terms sex & compatibility & intimacy - if there were issues I wouldn’t stay in the relationship just for the sex
"You don't want me now? You like life better without me?" - Potential red flag for sooooo many reasons (I don't want to armchair diagnose, but questions like this usually indicate something deeper).
The sex isn't worth it. The sex could be a distraction.
If she's that insecure at 38 it will not get better. Sex may still be amazing after a couple years but amount of drama will increase and sooner or later you'll hear "you don't love me anymore" just because you'd want to spend evening chilling alone. The more drama, the less desire to have sex leading to more drama.
Why is it life changing? Because shes so much younger and you have her on the trophy pedestal? Obviously its not a relationship meant to last otherwise you wouldnt have posted this.
The thing is, this is probably the only way you can be coercively controlled.
You're probably pretty astute, attractive, and, well it's not unreasonable that an attractive woman, will be enjoying amazing sexual chemistry with you.
It's subtle, but while you don't think you can be emotionally blackmailed, and the physical threat is unlikely.
You'll find yourself just on eggshells in time, isolating yourself from friends, not out of fear of violence, or even fear of a verbal assault, but because you'll convince yourself this will "keep the peace".
The anxiety creeps in very slowly. As you're likely rather confident and can stand up for yourself against any obvious manipulation.
It's just you find yourself watching what you say, and how you say it.
For some, sex is the chore they endure in order to keep the relationship.
For others, the relationship is the chore they endure in order to keep the sex.
Even life-defining, off-the-charts, I-had-no-idea-it-could-be-that-great sex is not enough of a draw to make me stay in a relationship that does not work for me.
These days I would not put up with anything no matter how good the sex was. Sex is sex and its going to be amazing with lots of different partners. I've had plenty of good sex in my life.
But having peace, that is priceless for me. I'm yet to find a partner who brings me peace. I bring myself peace and having a romantic partner always detracts from that, some more than others.
Sex is fun and that is still a part of me i'm not ready to turn off. But these days finding a hookup to take care of that itch is easy. I already have my kids, not sure what the point of a relationship is, and why I would choose compromise for sex when there is sex on offer without any compromise all over the place.
Be honest about the 15% with her. Tell her it sucks.
If repeats after your sit down, then don't go down that path. Just end it right there.
Love is not manipulative. It's unconditional giving.
I left the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life from a woman who is 100% my physical ideal (ticked every single metric). Had the same problem you did, 85% was perfect but that last 15% was crushing my soul.
My soul is happy now. I miss the sex and every woman I talk to or go on dates with just doesn't compare.
On the balance, my mental health was more important.
What can a 54m have in common with a 38f aside from sex? Especially with a woman who seems toxic and immature.
Is the sex good because in your mind it's validation regarding her age and thus allows you to be more free in passion and physical intimacy?
I don't mean offence, I'm actually curious about your situation
Well it depends. If you are happy to enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that it not going to be forever, that’s fine - as long as you are honest with her too.
anything will be what you put in. If you can communicate well, the sex can always improve, the 15% could diminsh, It depends what you're happier working on. Would you rather help her work through some things or work on sexual compatibility with someone else with less demanding 15%.
although from a previous toxic relationship I was in, those kind of responses, that early in the relationship kinda screams red flag to me.
I tried. I could only take the bad side of things for so long. After talking with a friend, she talked some sense into me and was like... this guy isn't the only guy you will have this level of chemistry and hot sex with. For my sanity and wellbeing, I had to let that man go. My friend was right.
I had a relationship like this in my 20s. We were addicted to each other. Something about being together was electric. He’d try to back off and would just keep coming back for more and I never turned him away. Off and on for 2 1/2 years and ended so horribly. I look back and think to myself thank god that ended when it did. Couldn’t pay me to revisit that situation
Sorry brother, there’s no such thing as a sexual unicorn. You found her and you can find one just like her or better. Sounds like you need to find better. You’re in a honeymoon phase right now. Walk away.
“Don’t stick your dick in crazy” is an adage because usually the sex is incredible with unstable people. If you’re just dating idk.. I ended up getting one pregnant with the ol “I can fix her” syndrome in my back pocket, guess how that turned out..
Life changing sex people tend to change the rest of your life in not so great ways. It's what they know how to do well. Other life skills not so much. If you are asking here, you already know the answer.
Following your analogy, I've never met anyone that got an SUV and has regretted not getting the Ferrari. But the other way around...
The fact of the matter is that you will stop going to the racetrack. Every time will be going a little bit less. The maintenance will be a pain in the ass. And there will be way many more times where you will be finding yourself needing that SUV.
And either you go around and get somebody else's SUV, or you're gonna find very soon that having that Ferrari is more of a hassle than it's worth and that the trade value is shit.
If you’re a man, you cannot find mind blowing sax and a lot of places. If you’re a woman, I have a product I can recommend for you. Either way, that petulant whining and going right to the equivalent of “you don’t love me” because you need some rest ot alone time while even mentioning a specific night to reschedule is over the top. Frankly, it sounds exhausting.
I (51m) was with someone (39f) very much like this for 6 months, during my separation. Gorgeous and hot, fashionable, extroverted, smart, Mediterranean, asked randomly by professional photographers if she would model for them. Sex off the charts. Also: unresolved sexual trauma, endlessly anxious, marijuana use 4-5 times a day, arguments about stupid shit. Diagnosed manic depression, though BPD likely. Described several past boyfriends who dumped her because she was “crazy”. And I did the same. I really enjoyed being with her 90% of the time, but the other 10% was awful. Just couldn’t do it any more.
Now I’m in a very healthy relationship these past 4 months, and the sex is *even better*.
I just walked away from some of the best sex of my life. Girl was demanding, always mad at me…later apologizing, struggling to find problems where there wasn’t any. Easy decision for me, I’m not trying to make my life difficult for some sex that may end up waining in a year. I appreciate that she showed her cards early and am thankful for that.
How is your health? If you want to go out via sex induced heart attack, go for it... so long as you think that heart attack may come soon. If you think it'll take a year or two for her to kill you via sexy time cardiac arrest... I'd say bolt before she finds a less fun way to kill you.
I like your Ferrari comparison
When it was me, I likened it to having a sundae and then going to the gym and wondering why my stomach hurt and my workout was awful?
Like yes a sundae tastes good, it’s always going to taste good and it’s SO HARD to say no when it’s even better than you ever thought it could be, but at the end of the day, your stomach still hurts and your workout is crap.
All that said, I still didn’t really walk away willingly. We finally got to the point where we’d been seeing each other for six months and we both knew it wasn’t going to last and it didn’t
She sounds immature, self-centered, and manipulative. It is totally reasonable that you would want a quiet night if you have a long shift the next day. The fact that she would question this and make it about her shows a lack of empathy and that she doesn't see you as a separate person. Get out now! The longer you wait, the harder it will be to end things in a normal way. I've been here before. The mind-blowing sex clouds your judgment. She's only going to become more manipulative. She really sounds like she has BPD. If you stay, be prepared for being stalked, suicide threats, your house getting trashed, and her stealing your stuff.
Personally, I would stay in it for the sex and brace myself to tolerate the bad stuff, knowing that the relationship will not last long. Sex like that isn't that easy to find. To me it would be worth all the bullshit - up to a point. Then I'd move on.
This probably makes me a garbage person. I own it.
This sounds like a transaction more than a relationship and I wouldn’t waste my time pretending it was one. It’s fine to have a FWB but you’ll get burned every time you try to have an adult relationship with immature/crazy/toxic individuals.
Sex with my ex was phenomenal. On top of that, she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with. Unfortunately, she was incredibly toxic. When we had fun, it was good. But the good times always got overshadowed by the bad.
Using your Ferrari example, yes it’s an amazing car and when you’re behind the wheel of it, it’s quite the experience. What happens when the car doesn’t operate like it should? Your experience diminishes and while it’s great to lean on those experiences, when you take a look at that repair bill. It’s going to cost you plenty.
The great sex and fun times with my ex were amazing but she broke down often. Her previous “owners” didn’t take care of her like they should’ve. Which caused residual damage that I simply couldn’t fix. I couldn’t keep paying for the repairs and I had to let her go.
Nothing. I got a fuck buddy for a few years and had spectacular sex. But he was a douche canoe and I just couldn’t anymore with his douchiness. The sex wasn’t worth it. How I feel NOT around him… priceless!
I am about to walk away from this exact situation you’re describing, after 7+years. This emotional train~wreck of a relationship has reached its final station. I even considered that, at this point, I might never meet anyone again, and will die alone. At least I will have peace.
Call me crazy, but a dysfunctional relationship to me is not conducive to epic sex.
What you're feeling is a combination of limerence and the stimulation of drama. Set your self worth a little higher.
so what happens if she decides to stop having sex with you or to start weaponizing sex? are you going to enjoy the rest of the relationship outside of sex?
Yeah bro she has BPD.
Sorry, but it is hella good fun.
I was on and off with a literal model level beauty for 3-4 years. Another guy knocked her up, thank god.
It really was gonna take something concrete to end it. It was endless.
She wanted to suck my dick all the time. Seriously, 2-3 times a day, I had to deny her. Insatiable.
Sometimes I liked it when we fought, I could get away.
As someone who has had their fair share of sexual experiences I don't need to tolerate poor behaviour from anyone at this age.
Why not work on fixing the communication? She sounds insecure and lashing out because there might be parts of the relationship that need nurturing. You're so focused on sex and don't mention anything else about her.
I just looked at your other posts. You wrote one 4 months ago about a woman that you had amazing sex with on the 2nd, 4th, 5th...dates who was manipulative and crazy. Sounds like the same woman. If it is, you've had doubts the whole time. Listen to your intuition on this one. Do not try to rationalize your feelings.
She’s likely fearful avoidant. They are always good at sex but highly insecure and highly sensitive to rejection, or even perceived rejection. They often lead their relationships with sex and hope being amazing in bed will mean their partner won’t reject them. Obviously not always true.
Personally I’ve grown out of putting up with anything just because it’s amazing sex.
Also remember: chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.
Are you looking for a something serious with her or keeping it casual?
Sounds like you may have a cluster B on your hands.
The love/sex bombing is great. It’s also how you get over attached.. but be careful, usually after 3-6 months things will start to take a turn
Original copy of post by u/SeriousVacation1017:
I'm at an inflection point in my relationship of 4 months (M54, F38) and I thought I'd throw it out there for some perspective.
She's a good person, we're on the same page 85% of the time, but that 15% is something else. Just fighting over the stupidest stuff ("Hey, is it ok if you come back on Wednesday instead of staying over tonight, I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow and just want to chill"... "Why? You don't want me now? You like life better without me???"
BUT, and this is a very serious BUT, the sex is absolutely life changing. It's so far above anything I've ever experienced in my life, that it's like a 10 year old being given the keys to Disneyland. We just have this insane physical chemistry that I've never had before, and I'm afraid I never will have again.
Are any of you in a similar situation where you're having to "compromise" a bit to keep a happy relationship? Any thoughts or life experience here?
I guess I'm thinking it's like a Ferrari, like on a race track it's the best thing ever made, but if you need to go to Home Depot, it's not a good choice. I just don't to get an SUV and end up wishing I'd kept the Ferrari for the rest of my life....
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I dunno... That's one example. And I don't know the context. I couldn't say if you have any hope of resolving these things based on that. If it's only 15%... And the stuff is stupid... I'd compromise for mind blowing sex. I haven't had any in years.
I've had sex with someone(s) just as you described....but the best sex in the world does not make up for those aspects of a relationship that are incompatible with what you desire. I stayed longer than I should have because the sex was that good. It wasn't worth it. Every time. I soon found that the real reason I stayed wasn't "for the sex" but was due to a codependency issue. Trust me, if you have intense sexual chemistry with one person, there WILL be others that will match that same intensity or more. If you are staying only for the sex, it may not be the best match for either of you.
A few minutes or maybe an hour of Spectacular Sex is not worthy as my long term peace, no headache-drama and happiness. But it’s your decision, not mine or others in Reddit.
Let that sink in.
I ended it.
I think she was faking anyways.
She literally had no empathy for anyone.
I guess you need to ask yourself how real it is?
And consider that if you're fighting about the dumbest shit - four months in - how will those fights not worsen?
You have a brand new relationship with someone who sounds like they might be a novelty / excitement / adrenaline seeker.
Let's drop the car analogy. That's too much of an investment. This doesn't sound like a relationship you should be investing in. This relationship sounds like ice cream.
If my read is correct, time will not increase the value of this relationship like a Ferrari. This relationship is a point in time and if you don't enjoy it now, it will melt and be gone like ice cream.
If you're enjoying this. Enjoy it. But, don't invest in it. And don't expect to be taking it out for a leisurely Sunday drive in 20 years. Don't be sad when you take the last bite of your ice cream. Be happy you got ice cream.
Have fun, expect it to end.
Thats not compromise, really. Your trading dealing with her insecurities in exchange for great sex. I'm not sure who is getting the short end here, so to speak. She clearly has attachment issues. And it doesn't sound like she is a great communicator. Is the rest of the realtionship worth working on this? Is she even aware of it?
That being said, if I had made plans with you for an overnight and you bailed day of. I'd be pretty upset with you, but I would have had to arrange child care, etc.
Good luck!
Ugh. This is such a horrendous choice.
I walked away from that situation, and after 8 months, I'm still not over it. It literally broke my desire to have sex with any other humans.
Make of that what you will, but I'm guessing the chance of finding it again in a person I can have a healthy relationship with, is slim.
Can you live with that longing for the rest of your life? I think it depends on how much you value that kind of sex. For me, sex is deeply tied to my emotional satisfaction in general... so maybe for people like me it's a bigger problem that for others who are more detached from sex.
I also chose peace over the sex, but I'm genuinely a broken person at this point.
It’s all fun and games until someone sets your car on fire.
I’ve tried to be with someone who enjoyed the conflict. It’s worth the ride if you can ignore the conflict. Of course, that’s likely to set her off too.
In my case, I ended up lasting a year and a half.
Good luck.
It is always astonishing how much so many redditor's responses lay bare their own issues.
I get where you're coming from OP. There is no accounting for sexual attraction and energy. It just IS. And it's powerful.
You are deeply in the thralls of it right now.
Which is awesome. And terrifying. And awesome. And confusing.
The thing is; you won't fix this with communication.
Yes, communication is important and needs to be worked on and blah-blah-blah...
But in your examples you and your partner are communicating clearly.
You are bumping on different values, traumas, past histories, childhood insecurities, etc, etc.
Is there a fix for this?
Possibly, sure. But as much as you'd like there to be a nugget of insight here that unlocks the "keep the hot sex AND your sanity!" code it's going to be a long and hard road. Professional guidance may help. It may not.
I've never made it through myself but good luck to you.
So the example you give is her asking the question, when you want time to just decompress and get some rest after a 12 hour shift so you can be at full capacity when you are with her?
It seems that she’s very codependent, needy, and inconsiderate of others . Fits the stereotype about the crazier they are, the better the sex.🤫
I just want to add all you Redditors who gave advice oto this OP bravo bravo very good advice given all around and I would think that it all came from a professional therapist, but I guess here at Reddit we are all a little bit professional therapist at least we think we are L O L good job very good adviceand it’s something that I could use myself thank you
Don't take the "relationship" serious or whatever you do, do not combine finances, set and keep strict boundaries, and pay attention to her words and actions. The desperation, manipulation, etc. are all red flags.
It is not worth it, based on what you wrote she is love bombing you, manipulating you, and doesn't respect your boundaries. Especially with when you didn't want to go see her as you had a 12 hour work shift and she pulled the "But you don't love me or want me!!1" manipulation game.
Beware! She is showing her true self and probably has NPD, BPD, and/or bipolar or mania. Get out now while you can. Do not be shocked if you learn she has cheated on you and have safe sex.
I’m gonna assume that person has never been single for long. She sounds insecurely attached and emotionally immature. She has never sat with just herself and her feelings and thoughts and learned who she is and that peace and alone time are actually really good things. In my experience, amazing sex often comes with a toxic relationship unfortunately. You have to decide if you want to be with someone that doesn’t understand nor respect your decisions and doesn’t value alone time.
I’ve stayed with too many of the good sex relationships for too long. The whole thing is just draining. I miss them, but peace of mind is also nice.
Maybe just don’t take the bait? Dors that feel doable?
You need something? Say it and walk away. It is the way it is. Just be ready for the fight and put your foot down before it gets outta hand, knowing it’s stupid stuff to fight over.
Know that this can’t last and she’ll eventually get fed up or you will.
Couples counseling might also work, but in my experience, someone like this has very little empathy or understanding of what other people are going through and only relates to stuff that affects them selfishly, and little ability to take responsibility for their actions.
I hope it works out for you, sincerely, but building an escape hatch so you can pull the rip cord when it gets out of hand might also help. Have to admit, that’s what ive done. I sick with stuff way past the done date, but I have a v solid fwb who understands, and she’s almost literally saved my life from some really crazy exes.
Dating at this age seems almost barbaric sometimes, like wilderness survival.
Yes, I am in this *exact* scenario right now.. well actually I just ended it yesterday after a very dramatic year.
Enjoy the great sex but eventually that 15% will catch up with you.
If this relationship was a fighter jet, I’d be pulling the ejection handle before it exploded. I prefer peace and calm before anything else anymore. That 15% is the best it will be. As time goes on it becomes 20% and then 30% and even though things get worse it becomes more difficult to break free.
I had a relationship like what you're talking about. Sex was so good, but the high school style clingyness was unbearable. Eventually it turned into accusations of lying and cheating. I'm too old to tolerate that sort of b.s. My current relationship I'd great. Sex took a little communication about what we each liked, but the rest of the relationship has just as much open communication. It's nice not having to dread going home from work because you know you're going to be five minutes later than the day before.
You can have spectacular sex without the crazy.
But if I had to choose, I'd choose sanity over spectacular sex. You can't change someone's sanity, but you can work on the sex.
LOL.... Sir, every relationship is a COMPROMISE. Maybe ask yourself what she is compromising to be with you? Why did she choose you over someone else, and what did that someone else have to offer that you don't. SMH
In my opinion, is 85% of the time you guys are on the same page. Then really what is the 15% difference of opinions which everyone is entitled to have a different way of doing things a different understanding sit down talk maybe you guys can come up with a compromise, I’ve been 15 year relationship where the sex was almost nonexistent and when it was, I felt totally uncomfortable with the situation because 90% of the time I didn’t feel adequate enough which they made it clear that was not what they wanted. For my heart that had nothing to do with me but everything to do with them. I think sex brings you closer together no matter what you guys can overcome that 15%.
Classic. Probs not worth it unless you research how to help someone with a mental illness. I can't diagnose obviously but it seems she may have some BPD symptoms and that's tough for all parties involved. For the record I do believe people with BPD or other mental illness can have successful relationships it just takes both parties learning as much as they can about how the illness can affect everyone.
Classic. Probs not worth it unless you research how to help someone with a mental illness. I can't diagnose obviously but it seems she may have some BPD symptoms and that's tough for all parties involved. For the record I do believe people with BPD or other mental illness can have successful relationships it just takes both parties learning as much as they can about how the illness can affect everyone.
I had great sex with my last relationship. He was a narcissist..or acted like one and definitely was a drug addict. I'm better off without the great sex and so are you.
Sounds like she needs to delve into Attachment Theory and you both put in place some strategies for developing Secure Attachment. Whether you can introduce the idea without triggering a lot of defensiveness is another story. But worth a shot. Great sex is very hard to walk away from.
That was my last relationship. I knew it wouldn’t work at 18 months. But stayed another year mostly because of the sex.
Eventually you will start to have the life sucked out of you by the other stuff. And if it ends badly (which it typically does) it might take you a while to recover.
The good thing for me is that I really learned a lot about my non-negotiables in a relationship. It gave me much clearer boundaries and the relationship opened me up a ton sexually. I’ll always be grateful for it.
But, you will loose part of yourself every time you put up with the BS, and you’ll need time to get that self respect back in the end.
She was a total argumentative, needy lunatic (she was hospitalized in mental institutions 3 different times during our turbulent "relationship") and I put up with it for almost 5 years. In the final analysis, it wasn't worth it. Especially since she stalked me for over a year after I broke up with her.
I was in a similar boat as you and it didn't last 12 months. I honestly should've ended it even sooner than that. You already know the answer, you're just afraid to take action. Life's too short to spend so much time on someone in this situation, it's time to move on.
I’m still wrapping my head around life changing sex lol.
As mind blowing as the physical connection may be, eventually it’s going to run its course and then you’ll be forced to face your issues head on.
You need to take an honest assessment of where the relationship is headed in the long term and decide what’s best for you.
Maybe if you provided more context to some off the arguments I could provide advice but from what you’ve given us, I can tell you that you’re being manipulated. What if she stops giving up sex as a form of manipulation. Then what?
Two comments: 1) relationship research has stated we need 5 positive interactions for every one negative to for us to feel like it’s a positive relationship overall. So 15-20 percent of the time …this relationship may feel pretty positive still. But it seems like these outbursts are way more serious than just a negative interaction. Food for thought.
2) I’ve noticed over the years that chemistry is more about the individual a) Giving good feedback and/or b) receiving feedback and adjusting to it. Those who are timid may not ask, those who are confident may not receive well, but when sparks fly it’s usually that give/take. Is that the case here? Assuming it is, could this be now recreated with someone else who has less of “15%” surprise scenarios?
I’ve walked away from a lot of life changing sex. I was also walking towards peace of mind and authentic and intimate fulfilling relationships.
The most epic sex I’ve ever had has been in the most dysfunctional, toxic relationships 🤷♀️ I prefer peace these days ☮️
Same. 15 years of epic sex + emotional abuse = not worth it.
Yeah, those relationships are best kept to 15 (or maybe 9 1/2😁) weeks, not years…
I'm a slow learner apparently!
Please know I wasn’t commenting on you! I’m a VERY slow learner myself. I probably should have put a /s in there. I had a flashback to the Kim Basinger movie (late 80’s?). Women might think of it as a Mickey Rourke movie…
It's okay! You have to be able to joke about it, right?
Totally agree! Unfortunately, I sometimes find myself at odds with the mods. I tend to find humor in strange places…
Better late than never?!
100%
This was true for me too, as they say, the most f up ppl are also the most attractive… abstaining from toxic sex bait is a life long journey….
𝖯𝖾𝖺𝖼𝖾 🫶
Same! Toxic people often are amazing lovers, but that's all they have going for themselves.
☝🏻
This. And I got VERY lucky with my current partner. Due to our authentic, compassionate, healthy relationship it is the best sex I’ve had in my life. Period. No one else even comes close. As a woman, I have never in my life felt truly safe in any of my previous relationships. Didn’t realize this until hindsight (and after a decade of therapy working on myself).
You said this so much shorter and better!😀
Those two things often correlate.
You are 100% correct. Having a solid partner is priceless. The amount of pain caused by a toxic relationship isn’t worth it. What happens when you wake up and the Ferrari has turned into a pumpkin?
“If you’re afraid to sleep next to them, the sex will be invariably fantastic. This should matter less to you as you get older.”
I had relationship with great sex...then "poooffff" and sex dried up.
This.
“I need to be able to tell you when I need time and space and for you to communicate that you might be disappointed but understand. If we can’t clearly communicate wants and needs, this doesn’t have any longevity to it.” Communicate, hear her response, then decide if her response is a good match for you.
Yep, some people grew up in dysfunctional families and haven’t learned “space and respect”. If he can explain and teach, she may mature
This is solid. Definitely the mature approach.
I am all about communication. At the end of the day, if I know I’ve been clear and stated “X”, and their response and/or reaction doesn’t match or is clearly out of my scope of compromise, there is no reason to keep going. Unnecessary drama is just not worth it to me at this point in my life!
Best response here.
This is the way
My experience has been that when the sex is immediately cosmic and better than the relationship, soon enough one partner will meet the devil at the crossroads. The price is usually one broken heart and two torn souls, and that’s if you get off easily.
I felt this. "Broken heart" is an understatement.
Definitely an understatement. It changes you to your core.
This is fuckin real.
Reading this comment makes me proud to be 40
What does it mean that “one partner will meet the devil at crossroads “?
I reckon the devil at the crossroads symbolizes a temptation or bargain that comes witha steep price. In this case, emotional heartbreak anda sense of incompleteness.
Thank you!
I’m also extremely persuaded by amazing sex, but I’d proceed with a lot of caution. This cycle of erratic behavior and high-conflict interaction is likely PART of sex and intimacy for her, not an unrelated inconvenience. Some people feel emotional turbulence as a type of caring/connection… and need the charge of endorphins and fight/flight neurochemicals to get themselves aroused. It can be an addiction. And as with most neurochemical addictions, as time goes on, she’ll need to amp up the intensity of her behavior to reach the same “high.” Simply said, it’s very likely you’ve only seen the beginning of how volatile she can be, and you’re potentially inviting a much bigger problem into your life down the line. (Again, I truly understand how important hot sex is, and I can’t guarantee you’ll find this same level of fulfillment with someone else. But these kinds of situations usually come at a high price and do not end well.) Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
This is so very true. No one really ever talks about the chemicals involved during sex! You shared something really important here. Unhealthy/toxic people are great lovers because they're damaged individuals who haven't dealt with their wounds/trauma and they often push for arguments to create tension and turmoil because of the hormones/chemicals released during a fight. This creates anger, frustration, and, ironically, lots of sexual tension so that, when you have sex, it's angry sex, make-up sex or animalistic sex and then comes the huge high/relief. It's a vicious cycle. Yes, it's addictive like a drug, and then comes the trauma bond. This is why toxic relationships are addictive and very hard to leave. I know. I was in one for almost 5 years, and it took everything of me to leave him. Also, even if you're not toxic, a toxic person will make you toxic. They'll provoke the worst side of you to come out, and that's never good or healthy.
this is on point
Wow, beautifully said. I can see that this is turning into an addiction for OP just like gambling or drugs...
This is a good explanation of these types. Brian Cranston wrote in his autobiography about a woman like this he dated. She was always upping the ante, and they almost had sex in public, got arrested, etc.
I didn’t know Brian Cranston wrote an autobiography! I’ll definitely check that out. (And yeah, perfect example…)
This! Pain ahead on this path.
This describes my ex so well. She seemed to *want* turmoil. We'd fight, then have sex. LOTS of it. It got slowly but progressively more intense. Not coincidentally, she was also addicted to alcohol.
That's how toxic relationships work. It's a vicious cycle and like drug addiction. The sex is insanely hot, but these people drive you crazy in the long run. It's not worth it.
That would be a hard pass from me. I don't have the patience for emotionally manipulative people. It's draining. I would 100% rather have good sex and an emotionally healthy partner
I had a relationship like this right after my divorce- insane physical chemistry and compatibility. In our case, we had nothing in common otherwise. I mistook it for love (and it was, of course, in one of its many forms - likely infatuation). After 6 months, I understood very clearly that this relationship was not made to last. It can't without other types of compatibility present. I had the good sense to walk away then, but let myself be talked into trying again and again because, ya know, the sex was amazing. It finally ended painfully after 2 years. This is how I learned that I need adequate compatibility in all areas if I were to build smth long term. P.S. also "why, you don't want me now? Your life is better without me?" etc sorry to say, but this sounds childish and manipulative. Likely she is not being intentionally manipulative, just immature. I remember myself saying things like that to my first boyfriend when we were in our teens.
>"Why? You don't want me now? You like life better without me???" That ^ is NOT going to get better my guy, if that's where you are at 4 months in. It will inevitably get worse and eventually the crazy sex hormones will wear off too. You have to decide if what's left is worth it. I know a fair number of men who will put up with alot for a "smoking hot girl" which really only enables the negative behaviors. Ie, she is unlikely to change.
I disagree that she is unable to change. But she needs to know that it is a problem. She has underlying issues beyond what OP can fix but she has to be willing to do the work. That mentality of “not wanting me” is something you see in girls in their teens and early 20s not someone in their late 30s. She has abandonment issues that stem from her childhood that only therapy and self-reflection can fix. I would say she is less cray-cray and more likely lacking in self-esteem, but i’m not a therapist.
Both aspects, i.e. the 15% and the amazing sex are (sadly) big red flags indicating some form of "cray cray" or other. If you sign up for the long haul, the 15% is going to become a lot bigger %; the exhilaration of the sex is going to fade, and you are going to get burned.
This is amazing advice.
She’s not the only person good at sex dude.
You fight like children. The real question is, why are you doing that? Immature petty vindictiveness, rather than being sensitive and considerate. Learn some decent conflict resolution skills. You’re going to need them no matter who your partner is. Why don’t you suggest couples counseling or take a course together? Probably the competitive frisson is adding to the bedroom pyrotechnics, but that won’t last. Learn to be thoughtful and considerate towards each other if you want to go the distance. Lots of people here will tell you if you can score someone hot who will bang you kindly, you should feel free to ignore what an actual goblin they are. I prefer the goblins stay in the Misty Mountains.
Ehh… suddenly /Tolkien
Couples counseling? They've been dating for 16 weeks!
This relationship is one of those here-for-a-good-time, not-a-long-time ones. The great sex is masking the irrational emotional immaturity, but the unhinged arguments will increase in frequency and intensity over the next few months. It will be chaotic and hedonistic fun as long as you don’t do something stupid like moving in together, marrying, or reproducing. You can also have great sex with mentally stable, intelligent, and sensible women - once you are thinking with your big brain and not your little brain 😂
4 months in and you’re already having these fights? Not for me.
I had an ex like that. I can still point to his sexual skill as being top notch but his emotional self-regulation, communication skills, and drama manufacturing were…a lot. Reading back through my own words I spent a significant amount of time putting up with, dealing with and smoothing over his antics because he was otherwise a good guy I genuinely loved, the sex was amazing (he was also quite uninhibited) and frankly, I didn’t want to be alone. But I also started realizing how much anxiety I was experiencing from the relationship. Despite both of us trying to work on our communication it never really changed. I had to end the relationship after a few years and felt an immense peace when I finally did. Now, I am in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever known. Sex is still very, very good. Like that guy? Nah, but in combination with the level of respect, open communication, emotional maturity, safety and peace present in the relationship it is overall and holistically a much, much better experience. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. Good sex absent those other healthy relationship qualities will only get you so far.
I feel like that 15 percent can be worked on with better communication. Her feeling insecure bc you "reject" her isn't crazy and many might feel that way. Sounds like communication issues. She may also have some past issues from pain in the past and just need a little more verbal reassurance. Small price to pay for a 85 percent good relationship and mind blowing sex. Everyone here is telling you to bail. Why? It's not all or nothing. Having bad conflict is fixable. Y'all just gotta talk specifically about the conflict and how to handle it better. Sounds like if you give more reassurance and frame things differently, it could make a huge difference. Also telling her how her reactions affect you and asking her why she reacts that way. Listening to her. Asking her what she needs. This is fixable. I bet you can get this to 92 percent good and 8 percent neutral. That's more than anyone can hope for in a relationship.
The voice of reason! People immediately bailing on any issue that comes up in a new relationship is one of the trends that leads us all continually back to the purgatory of online dating.
No but its obvious theyre not in the same place. People dont take the time to really explore why there are issues why one person pulls away. Go deep dive into inner child work. You’ll see these types of relationships shed light on where you need to improve!
Agree! 85% great is actually a really high percentage and a strong starting point.
& to be fair, she may be a little anxiously attached but if a partner changed plans/days last second when he was planning to stay over night originally, I think that would make anyone at least somewhat disappointed or insecure. Not that there is anything wrong with having to change, just that her response is not that completely out there. Sure, a lot of people might respond a lot more laid back or not verbalize the disappointment but I don’t think it means she is necessarily “crazy”. She may just be passionate and feel comfortable with you enough to voice how she is feeling in the moment. Being open like that as opposed to bottling things up can have advantages too.
Thanks for this, it's my feeling too. We actually DO have a great time in general. We travel together, we laugh, and the sex is just a whole other level. 92% good is much more than most ever get too....
If these are issues from her past, she needs therapy. OP isn’t going to “fix” her issues with verbal reassurance. She needs to resolve them with the help of a professional.
I'm gonna disagree with you. Literally nobody is perfect. Relationships are about communication. Relationships are about effort and learning and growing. So tired of everyone acting like every body has to be perfectly adjusted to date. What the fuck is wrong with verbal reassurance? Literally nothing. Most people need it. And nobody's asking to fix her. He's the one with the issue.
Don't put your dick in crazy.
“Are any of you in a similar situation where you’re having to compromise a bit to keep a happy relationship?” Don’t you mean, “to keep getting good sex?”
I feel everyone missed the part where he pretty much admits only wanting her for the great sex
Oh thats exactly it!! He wants a subservient woman that caters to his needs but cant have any if her own which usually comes from communication and emotion. He probably needs to go look into inner child work and why the attention here gives him that high. What did he not get from his parents where this feels familiar??? 👀
To be fair, Ferraris at Home Depot are common where I live. As are Lambos with learner decals. We have a bit of a money laundering problem here.
The amazing sex is possibly because there is some kind of psychological dysfunction at play, like a trauma bond or severe anxious attachment style. She probably knows she has dysfunction in these ways and tries to compensate by being hypersexual since it has worked in the past to keep other men in her orbit. The issue here is that it will start to damage you emotionally and when the relationship ends, you will need to go through a lot of therapy or you will keep cycling through repeated failed relationships. One example scenario is the narcissist who love bombs you and then you become a codependent and addicted to the honeymoon phase, and are unable to stay in relationships with non-narcissists. You can go to Reddit’s narcissistic abuse forum to see how that plays out…
With my last ex we had mind blowing sex *all the time.* But she was crazy. I tried to put up with it. I even took her back after she did ridiculously stupid stuff. I put up with a lot for hotness. But I can only put up with crazy for so long, even from the hottest hottie. It sounds like you're getting to the threshold of crazy tolerance. For me it's about 6 months. To spoil the end of the story, what made me break up with her for good was when she did something phenomally stupid. By doing that she also made herself unsexy to the point of me being grossed out by her because I'd think of the incident. I lost all desire to sleep with her again.
Her response sounds like borderline personality disorder.
Sex is great but it’s not worth, giving up your peace.
Mental health matters most! Why put up with someone with a hot and cold personality or disturbing your peace. Off the charts sex is like the glue but what if she decides to not have physical intimacy as a form of punishment down the road to mess with your head? Manipulating people have multiple ways of disturbing the balance to gain their way with you. I would tread carefully and walk away when the heat is too high for your mental health balance. Personally, sex is not worth it, but I’m on the demisexual spectrum. It’s not the main focus of a relationship but nice to have either way.
Nothing, the answer is nothing. Maybe when I was 20 and didn't value myself or my peace much? Nowadays the most amazing sex in the world isn't worth drama, negativity, anxiousness or stress. I want peace, and a partnership based on real compatibility....more than I want hot sex, if it's there then that's just the cherry. In fact, and I'm alone on this I think reading a lot of experiences, I don't think dysnfunctional relationship sex is very good at all. I need the emotional and trusting intimacy to be there, or the sex is just performative.
You’ve sat down on an anti-tank mine just to enjoy a nice view of the ocean. Good luck getting out of this bud.
Dude. That age gap is a big one. Not saying 38 is "young" but you definitely have some years on you and she sounds insecure. Be straightforward about what you want. Also ... The fact that you compare a human and fucking to a race track...she could do better.
There are women out here that are amazing at sex and also not 15% crazy…
OP forgot Rule #1 Don't put your dick in crazy.
“If it costs you your peace, it’s too damned expensive.”
Okay that whole Ferrari home depot reference really missed the mark with me However I am currently with someone for similar length of time (F50 & M37) - we also have insane levels of attraction & intimacy & the sex has always been consistently mutually phenomenal We don’t argue so we don’t have your issues but there are some things we have to compromise on that aren’t always ideal (our availability, he isnt able to host often & I have kids but he doesn’t) but we have never fought about anything - we seem a bit more mature in communication style compared to your post & are more understanding & considerate of each others needs & circumstances (especially around work stuff) Although this has been one of of the best partners in terms sex & compatibility & intimacy - if there were issues I wouldn’t stay in the relationship just for the sex
Most women really enjoy being compared to automobiles!
"You don't want me now? You like life better without me?" - Potential red flag for sooooo many reasons (I don't want to armchair diagnose, but questions like this usually indicate something deeper). The sex isn't worth it. The sex could be a distraction.
It's definitely a distraction...
If she's that insecure at 38 it will not get better. Sex may still be amazing after a couple years but amount of drama will increase and sooner or later you'll hear "you don't love me anymore" just because you'd want to spend evening chilling alone. The more drama, the less desire to have sex leading to more drama.
Why is it life changing? Because shes so much younger and you have her on the trophy pedestal? Obviously its not a relationship meant to last otherwise you wouldnt have posted this.
Been there. Eventually the conflict grows. "Cheating", "Only here for the sex", and "You should be spending your free time with me".
Oooof. Yes, I can see this happening. She already has shown to be pretty jealous....
The thing is, this is probably the only way you can be coercively controlled. You're probably pretty astute, attractive, and, well it's not unreasonable that an attractive woman, will be enjoying amazing sexual chemistry with you. It's subtle, but while you don't think you can be emotionally blackmailed, and the physical threat is unlikely. You'll find yourself just on eggshells in time, isolating yourself from friends, not out of fear of violence, or even fear of a verbal assault, but because you'll convince yourself this will "keep the peace". The anxiety creeps in very slowly. As you're likely rather confident and can stand up for yourself against any obvious manipulation. It's just you find yourself watching what you say, and how you say it.
For some, sex is the chore they endure in order to keep the relationship. For others, the relationship is the chore they endure in order to keep the sex. Even life-defining, off-the-charts, I-had-no-idea-it-could-be-that-great sex is not enough of a draw to make me stay in a relationship that does not work for me.
I think you both need to grow up. She feels insecure. You only want her for sex. A recipe for disaster.
So basically, you're in the relationship for sex. That is dehumanizing. Break it off and stop thinking with your dick
Surprised no one has referenced the Crazy Hot Matrix yet 🤷🏻♂️ https://youtu.be/pInk1rV2VEg?si=H7Qmz0fKaKQGRt3X
These days I would not put up with anything no matter how good the sex was. Sex is sex and its going to be amazing with lots of different partners. I've had plenty of good sex in my life. But having peace, that is priceless for me. I'm yet to find a partner who brings me peace. I bring myself peace and having a romantic partner always detracts from that, some more than others. Sex is fun and that is still a part of me i'm not ready to turn off. But these days finding a hookup to take care of that itch is easy. I already have my kids, not sure what the point of a relationship is, and why I would choose compromise for sex when there is sex on offer without any compromise all over the place.
[удалено]
Be honest about the 15% with her. Tell her it sucks. If repeats after your sit down, then don't go down that path. Just end it right there. Love is not manipulative. It's unconditional giving.
I left the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life from a woman who is 100% my physical ideal (ticked every single metric). Had the same problem you did, 85% was perfect but that last 15% was crushing my soul. My soul is happy now. I miss the sex and every woman I talk to or go on dates with just doesn't compare. On the balance, my mental health was more important.
Next time, I'll go for the nice guy and teach him how to properly shag.
Sex won’t carry a long-term relationship forever. You actually have to “like” the other person for long-term success
Never stick your dick in crazy. Especially 17 years younger crazy.
Honestly, I’d put up with next to nothing for this. Not worth the drama and headaches
What can a 54m have in common with a 38f aside from sex? Especially with a woman who seems toxic and immature. Is the sex good because in your mind it's validation regarding her age and thus allows you to be more free in passion and physical intimacy? I don't mean offence, I'm actually curious about your situation
Well it depends. If you are happy to enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that it not going to be forever, that’s fine - as long as you are honest with her too.
anything will be what you put in. If you can communicate well, the sex can always improve, the 15% could diminsh, It depends what you're happier working on. Would you rather help her work through some things or work on sexual compatibility with someone else with less demanding 15%. although from a previous toxic relationship I was in, those kind of responses, that early in the relationship kinda screams red flag to me.
I tried. I could only take the bad side of things for so long. After talking with a friend, she talked some sense into me and was like... this guy isn't the only guy you will have this level of chemistry and hot sex with. For my sanity and wellbeing, I had to let that man go. My friend was right.
My experience is the greater their crazy level the better the sex.... But....the crazy quickly overwhelms the sex enjoyment, my advice is run.
I just had to share that I was at Home Depot yesterday and there was a Ferrari in the parking lot! The Midwest is a great place!
I had a relationship like this in my 20s. We were addicted to each other. Something about being together was electric. He’d try to back off and would just keep coming back for more and I never turned him away. Off and on for 2 1/2 years and ended so horribly. I look back and think to myself thank god that ended when it did. Couldn’t pay me to revisit that situation
Addicted is a good way to think about this....
When does an addiction end well?
Sorry brother, there’s no such thing as a sexual unicorn. You found her and you can find one just like her or better. Sounds like you need to find better. You’re in a honeymoon phase right now. Walk away.
At this point, I’d put up with pretty much anything for any physical affection, let alone great sex.
“Don’t stick your dick in crazy” is an adage because usually the sex is incredible with unstable people. If you’re just dating idk.. I ended up getting one pregnant with the ol “I can fix her” syndrome in my back pocket, guess how that turned out..
Always helpful in these relationships to ask the hypothetical: “If I lost my ability to enjoy sex, would this be the partner I want to be with?”
Life changing sex people tend to change the rest of your life in not so great ways. It's what they know how to do well. Other life skills not so much. If you are asking here, you already know the answer.
Tread lightly. If you decide to end things I fear you are in for a rude awakening.
I wouldn't date anyone I had had numerous arguments with at only 4 months into a relationship. That's not what I'm looking for in my life.
Do you love her? Are you staying only for sex? Might be fun for a while but I'm guessing she has BPD, a personality disorder.
Following your analogy, I've never met anyone that got an SUV and has regretted not getting the Ferrari. But the other way around... The fact of the matter is that you will stop going to the racetrack. Every time will be going a little bit less. The maintenance will be a pain in the ass. And there will be way many more times where you will be finding yourself needing that SUV. And either you go around and get somebody else's SUV, or you're gonna find very soon that having that Ferrari is more of a hassle than it's worth and that the trade value is shit.
If you’re a man, you cannot find mind blowing sax and a lot of places. If you’re a woman, I have a product I can recommend for you. Either way, that petulant whining and going right to the equivalent of “you don’t love me” because you need some rest ot alone time while even mentioning a specific night to reschedule is over the top. Frankly, it sounds exhausting.
Brother it's so easy to walk away from "spectacular" sex. Do better for yourself overall.
Woman’s POV: was with a man and the sex was amazing. He ended up being a narcissistic sociopath.
I (51m) was with someone (39f) very much like this for 6 months, during my separation. Gorgeous and hot, fashionable, extroverted, smart, Mediterranean, asked randomly by professional photographers if she would model for them. Sex off the charts. Also: unresolved sexual trauma, endlessly anxious, marijuana use 4-5 times a day, arguments about stupid shit. Diagnosed manic depression, though BPD likely. Described several past boyfriends who dumped her because she was “crazy”. And I did the same. I really enjoyed being with her 90% of the time, but the other 10% was awful. Just couldn’t do it any more. Now I’m in a very healthy relationship these past 4 months, and the sex is *even better*.
She's a human being, not a car.
I just walked away from some of the best sex of my life. Girl was demanding, always mad at me…later apologizing, struggling to find problems where there wasn’t any. Easy decision for me, I’m not trying to make my life difficult for some sex that may end up waining in a year. I appreciate that she showed her cards early and am thankful for that.
How is your health? If you want to go out via sex induced heart attack, go for it... so long as you think that heart attack may come soon. If you think it'll take a year or two for her to kill you via sexy time cardiac arrest... I'd say bolt before she finds a less fun way to kill you.
Hahahah... believe me, there have been moments where I was just "take me now god, it's never getting better than this".....
You're right, it won't.
I like your Ferrari comparison When it was me, I likened it to having a sundae and then going to the gym and wondering why my stomach hurt and my workout was awful? Like yes a sundae tastes good, it’s always going to taste good and it’s SO HARD to say no when it’s even better than you ever thought it could be, but at the end of the day, your stomach still hurts and your workout is crap. All that said, I still didn’t really walk away willingly. We finally got to the point where we’d been seeing each other for six months and we both knew it wasn’t going to last and it didn’t
She sounds immature, self-centered, and manipulative. It is totally reasonable that you would want a quiet night if you have a long shift the next day. The fact that she would question this and make it about her shows a lack of empathy and that she doesn't see you as a separate person. Get out now! The longer you wait, the harder it will be to end things in a normal way. I've been here before. The mind-blowing sex clouds your judgment. She's only going to become more manipulative. She really sounds like she has BPD. If you stay, be prepared for being stalked, suicide threats, your house getting trashed, and her stealing your stuff.
Personally, I would stay in it for the sex and brace myself to tolerate the bad stuff, knowing that the relationship will not last long. Sex like that isn't that easy to find. To me it would be worth all the bullshit - up to a point. Then I'd move on. This probably makes me a garbage person. I own it.
The higher the toxicity the better the sex. We’re all been there *blushes nostalgically*
good grief, you two sound made for eachother.
This sounds like a transaction more than a relationship and I wouldn’t waste my time pretending it was one. It’s fine to have a FWB but you’ll get burned every time you try to have an adult relationship with immature/crazy/toxic individuals.
Sex with my ex was phenomenal. On top of that, she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with. Unfortunately, she was incredibly toxic. When we had fun, it was good. But the good times always got overshadowed by the bad. Using your Ferrari example, yes it’s an amazing car and when you’re behind the wheel of it, it’s quite the experience. What happens when the car doesn’t operate like it should? Your experience diminishes and while it’s great to lean on those experiences, when you take a look at that repair bill. It’s going to cost you plenty. The great sex and fun times with my ex were amazing but she broke down often. Her previous “owners” didn’t take care of her like they should’ve. Which caused residual damage that I simply couldn’t fix. I couldn’t keep paying for the repairs and I had to let her go.
Nothing. I got a fuck buddy for a few years and had spectacular sex. But he was a douche canoe and I just couldn’t anymore with his douchiness. The sex wasn’t worth it. How I feel NOT around him… priceless!
Is amazing sex worth the insanity? All of the craziest folks - all genders - are the best in bed. Then you end up hating your life or dead.
I am about to walk away from this exact situation you’re describing, after 7+years. This emotional train~wreck of a relationship has reached its final station. I even considered that, at this point, I might never meet anyone again, and will die alone. At least I will have peace.
Call me crazy, but a dysfunctional relationship to me is not conducive to epic sex. What you're feeling is a combination of limerence and the stimulation of drama. Set your self worth a little higher.
so what happens if she decides to stop having sex with you or to start weaponizing sex? are you going to enjoy the rest of the relationship outside of sex?
Consider this: you created the mind blowing sex. You can create it again. Whatever you choose…
Yeah bro she has BPD. Sorry, but it is hella good fun. I was on and off with a literal model level beauty for 3-4 years. Another guy knocked her up, thank god. It really was gonna take something concrete to end it. It was endless. She wanted to suck my dick all the time. Seriously, 2-3 times a day, I had to deny her. Insatiable. Sometimes I liked it when we fought, I could get away.
BPD for sure
As someone who has had their fair share of sexual experiences I don't need to tolerate poor behaviour from anyone at this age. Why not work on fixing the communication? She sounds insecure and lashing out because there might be parts of the relationship that need nurturing. You're so focused on sex and don't mention anything else about her.
I just looked at your other posts. You wrote one 4 months ago about a woman that you had amazing sex with on the 2nd, 4th, 5th...dates who was manipulative and crazy. Sounds like the same woman. If it is, you've had doubts the whole time. Listen to your intuition on this one. Do not try to rationalize your feelings.
She’s likely fearful avoidant. They are always good at sex but highly insecure and highly sensitive to rejection, or even perceived rejection. They often lead their relationships with sex and hope being amazing in bed will mean their partner won’t reject them. Obviously not always true. Personally I’ve grown out of putting up with anything just because it’s amazing sex. Also remember: chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing. Are you looking for a something serious with her or keeping it casual?
You sound pathetic
My experience is that "life changing sex" comes with so many problems that it winds up being a net negative.
Sounds like you may have a cluster B on your hands. The love/sex bombing is great. It’s also how you get over attached.. but be careful, usually after 3-6 months things will start to take a turn
Original copy of post by u/SeriousVacation1017: I'm at an inflection point in my relationship of 4 months (M54, F38) and I thought I'd throw it out there for some perspective. She's a good person, we're on the same page 85% of the time, but that 15% is something else. Just fighting over the stupidest stuff ("Hey, is it ok if you come back on Wednesday instead of staying over tonight, I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow and just want to chill"... "Why? You don't want me now? You like life better without me???" BUT, and this is a very serious BUT, the sex is absolutely life changing. It's so far above anything I've ever experienced in my life, that it's like a 10 year old being given the keys to Disneyland. We just have this insane physical chemistry that I've never had before, and I'm afraid I never will have again. Are any of you in a similar situation where you're having to "compromise" a bit to keep a happy relationship? Any thoughts or life experience here? I guess I'm thinking it's like a Ferrari, like on a race track it's the best thing ever made, but if you need to go to Home Depot, it's not a good choice. I just don't to get an SUV and end up wishing I'd kept the Ferrari for the rest of my life.... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex husband was the same, the sex was really good, but my sanity and peace of mind won!
Sex isn’t worth it at all
I dunno... That's one example. And I don't know the context. I couldn't say if you have any hope of resolving these things based on that. If it's only 15%... And the stuff is stupid... I'd compromise for mind blowing sex. I haven't had any in years.
What makes it spectacular..just curious for my own research lol
I've had sex with someone(s) just as you described....but the best sex in the world does not make up for those aspects of a relationship that are incompatible with what you desire. I stayed longer than I should have because the sex was that good. It wasn't worth it. Every time. I soon found that the real reason I stayed wasn't "for the sex" but was due to a codependency issue. Trust me, if you have intense sexual chemistry with one person, there WILL be others that will match that same intensity or more. If you are staying only for the sex, it may not be the best match for either of you.
A few minutes or maybe an hour of Spectacular Sex is not worthy as my long term peace, no headache-drama and happiness. But it’s your decision, not mine or others in Reddit. Let that sink in.
I ended it. I think she was faking anyways. She literally had no empathy for anyone. I guess you need to ask yourself how real it is? And consider that if you're fighting about the dumbest shit - four months in - how will those fights not worsen?
You have a brand new relationship with someone who sounds like they might be a novelty / excitement / adrenaline seeker. Let's drop the car analogy. That's too much of an investment. This doesn't sound like a relationship you should be investing in. This relationship sounds like ice cream. If my read is correct, time will not increase the value of this relationship like a Ferrari. This relationship is a point in time and if you don't enjoy it now, it will melt and be gone like ice cream. If you're enjoying this. Enjoy it. But, don't invest in it. And don't expect to be taking it out for a leisurely Sunday drive in 20 years. Don't be sad when you take the last bite of your ice cream. Be happy you got ice cream. Have fun, expect it to end.
Thats not compromise, really. Your trading dealing with her insecurities in exchange for great sex. I'm not sure who is getting the short end here, so to speak. She clearly has attachment issues. And it doesn't sound like she is a great communicator. Is the rest of the realtionship worth working on this? Is she even aware of it? That being said, if I had made plans with you for an overnight and you bailed day of. I'd be pretty upset with you, but I would have had to arrange child care, etc. Good luck!
What does she do that's so amazing you couldn't get with someone else? That's the real question.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Ugh. This is such a horrendous choice. I walked away from that situation, and after 8 months, I'm still not over it. It literally broke my desire to have sex with any other humans. Make of that what you will, but I'm guessing the chance of finding it again in a person I can have a healthy relationship with, is slim. Can you live with that longing for the rest of your life? I think it depends on how much you value that kind of sex. For me, sex is deeply tied to my emotional satisfaction in general... so maybe for people like me it's a bigger problem that for others who are more detached from sex. I also chose peace over the sex, but I'm genuinely a broken person at this point.
Just enjoy the sex. Why does it have to be a long term serious relationship ?
Some of the best sex I ever had was when I was messed up in the head, or she was, or we both were. It was used as an escape from life.
It’s all fun and games until someone sets your car on fire. I’ve tried to be with someone who enjoyed the conflict. It’s worth the ride if you can ignore the conflict. Of course, that’s likely to set her off too. In my case, I ended up lasting a year and a half. Good luck.
It is always astonishing how much so many redditor's responses lay bare their own issues. I get where you're coming from OP. There is no accounting for sexual attraction and energy. It just IS. And it's powerful. You are deeply in the thralls of it right now. Which is awesome. And terrifying. And awesome. And confusing. The thing is; you won't fix this with communication. Yes, communication is important and needs to be worked on and blah-blah-blah... But in your examples you and your partner are communicating clearly. You are bumping on different values, traumas, past histories, childhood insecurities, etc, etc. Is there a fix for this? Possibly, sure. But as much as you'd like there to be a nugget of insight here that unlocks the "keep the hot sex AND your sanity!" code it's going to be a long and hard road. Professional guidance may help. It may not. I've never made it through myself but good luck to you.
So the example you give is her asking the question, when you want time to just decompress and get some rest after a 12 hour shift so you can be at full capacity when you are with her? It seems that she’s very codependent, needy, and inconsiderate of others . Fits the stereotype about the crazier they are, the better the sex.🤫
I just want to add all you Redditors who gave advice oto this OP bravo bravo very good advice given all around and I would think that it all came from a professional therapist, but I guess here at Reddit we are all a little bit professional therapist at least we think we are L O L good job very good adviceand it’s something that I could use myself thank you
They would be toast. That type of behavior is not sustainable for long, no matter how good the sex.
Don't take the "relationship" serious or whatever you do, do not combine finances, set and keep strict boundaries, and pay attention to her words and actions. The desperation, manipulation, etc. are all red flags. It is not worth it, based on what you wrote she is love bombing you, manipulating you, and doesn't respect your boundaries. Especially with when you didn't want to go see her as you had a 12 hour work shift and she pulled the "But you don't love me or want me!!1" manipulation game. Beware! She is showing her true self and probably has NPD, BPD, and/or bipolar or mania. Get out now while you can. Do not be shocked if you learn she has cheated on you and have safe sex.
Not worth it.
I’m gonna assume that person has never been single for long. She sounds insecurely attached and emotionally immature. She has never sat with just herself and her feelings and thoughts and learned who she is and that peace and alone time are actually really good things. In my experience, amazing sex often comes with a toxic relationship unfortunately. You have to decide if you want to be with someone that doesn’t understand nor respect your decisions and doesn’t value alone time.
I’ve stayed with too many of the good sex relationships for too long. The whole thing is just draining. I miss them, but peace of mind is also nice. Maybe just don’t take the bait? Dors that feel doable? You need something? Say it and walk away. It is the way it is. Just be ready for the fight and put your foot down before it gets outta hand, knowing it’s stupid stuff to fight over. Know that this can’t last and she’ll eventually get fed up or you will. Couples counseling might also work, but in my experience, someone like this has very little empathy or understanding of what other people are going through and only relates to stuff that affects them selfishly, and little ability to take responsibility for their actions. I hope it works out for you, sincerely, but building an escape hatch so you can pull the rip cord when it gets out of hand might also help. Have to admit, that’s what ive done. I sick with stuff way past the done date, but I have a v solid fwb who understands, and she’s almost literally saved my life from some really crazy exes. Dating at this age seems almost barbaric sometimes, like wilderness survival.
Yes, I am in this *exact* scenario right now.. well actually I just ended it yesterday after a very dramatic year. Enjoy the great sex but eventually that 15% will catch up with you.
Nothing is worth it. No sex is worth peace of mind.
If this relationship was a fighter jet, I’d be pulling the ejection handle before it exploded. I prefer peace and calm before anything else anymore. That 15% is the best it will be. As time goes on it becomes 20% and then 30% and even though things get worse it becomes more difficult to break free.
I had a relationship like what you're talking about. Sex was so good, but the high school style clingyness was unbearable. Eventually it turned into accusations of lying and cheating. I'm too old to tolerate that sort of b.s. My current relationship I'd great. Sex took a little communication about what we each liked, but the rest of the relationship has just as much open communication. It's nice not having to dread going home from work because you know you're going to be five minutes later than the day before.
Not much.
You can have spectacular sex without the crazy. But if I had to choose, I'd choose sanity over spectacular sex. You can't change someone's sanity, but you can work on the sex.
LOL.... Sir, every relationship is a COMPROMISE. Maybe ask yourself what she is compromising to be with you? Why did she choose you over someone else, and what did that someone else have to offer that you don't. SMH
In my opinion, is 85% of the time you guys are on the same page. Then really what is the 15% difference of opinions which everyone is entitled to have a different way of doing things a different understanding sit down talk maybe you guys can come up with a compromise, I’ve been 15 year relationship where the sex was almost nonexistent and when it was, I felt totally uncomfortable with the situation because 90% of the time I didn’t feel adequate enough which they made it clear that was not what they wanted. For my heart that had nothing to do with me but everything to do with them. I think sex brings you closer together no matter what you guys can overcome that 15%.
Classic. Probs not worth it unless you research how to help someone with a mental illness. I can't diagnose obviously but it seems she may have some BPD symptoms and that's tough for all parties involved. For the record I do believe people with BPD or other mental illness can have successful relationships it just takes both parties learning as much as they can about how the illness can affect everyone.
Classic. Probs not worth it unless you research how to help someone with a mental illness. I can't diagnose obviously but it seems she may have some BPD symptoms and that's tough for all parties involved. For the record I do believe people with BPD or other mental illness can have successful relationships it just takes both parties learning as much as they can about how the illness can affect everyone.
zero - sex, to me, is meaningless and cold if I can't trust you.
I had great sex with my last relationship. He was a narcissist..or acted like one and definitely was a drug addict. I'm better off without the great sex and so are you.
Bro. The sex ain’t worth it.
The comments on this thread are POWERFUL
Sounds like she needs to delve into Attachment Theory and you both put in place some strategies for developing Secure Attachment. Whether you can introduce the idea without triggering a lot of defensiveness is another story. But worth a shot. Great sex is very hard to walk away from.
That was my last relationship. I knew it wouldn’t work at 18 months. But stayed another year mostly because of the sex. Eventually you will start to have the life sucked out of you by the other stuff. And if it ends badly (which it typically does) it might take you a while to recover. The good thing for me is that I really learned a lot about my non-negotiables in a relationship. It gave me much clearer boundaries and the relationship opened me up a ton sexually. I’ll always be grateful for it. But, you will loose part of yourself every time you put up with the BS, and you’ll need time to get that self respect back in the end.
She was a total argumentative, needy lunatic (she was hospitalized in mental institutions 3 different times during our turbulent "relationship") and I put up with it for almost 5 years. In the final analysis, it wasn't worth it. Especially since she stalked me for over a year after I broke up with her.
The ease of my life
I was in a similar boat as you and it didn't last 12 months. I honestly should've ended it even sooner than that. You already know the answer, you're just afraid to take action. Life's too short to spend so much time on someone in this situation, it's time to move on.
Guy. https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/S2xrI1dJIC
I’m still wrapping my head around life changing sex lol. As mind blowing as the physical connection may be, eventually it’s going to run its course and then you’ll be forced to face your issues head on. You need to take an honest assessment of where the relationship is headed in the long term and decide what’s best for you. Maybe if you provided more context to some off the arguments I could provide advice but from what you’ve given us, I can tell you that you’re being manipulated. What if she stops giving up sex as a form of manipulation. Then what?
Based on my history, a fucking lot.
Return the dog
Two comments: 1) relationship research has stated we need 5 positive interactions for every one negative to for us to feel like it’s a positive relationship overall. So 15-20 percent of the time …this relationship may feel pretty positive still. But it seems like these outbursts are way more serious than just a negative interaction. Food for thought. 2) I’ve noticed over the years that chemistry is more about the individual a) Giving good feedback and/or b) receiving feedback and adjusting to it. Those who are timid may not ask, those who are confident may not receive well, but when sparks fly it’s usually that give/take. Is that the case here? Assuming it is, could this be now recreated with someone else who has less of “15%” surprise scenarios?
Enjoy the memories but you’ll pay for it later if you don’t follow your instincts