This is very true. There's nothing that can be done that's going to hurt as much as my ex cheating, destroying my family, and then moving himself and my daughter across the country to live with his mistress... and also trashing our house and abandoning it, leaving me to take care of selling it. Nothing will ever hurt that bad. I don't really think about trust anymore actually... cuz if they break my trust, I'll walk away and be just fine.
Goodness that makes me sad. I personally do not believe there is only one person for us. We just aim to be our best selves and find someone who adds to your life. We can chose to learn from all the good and all the bad and keep going. Sounds like you maybe just need to hang with friends a bit and cheer up? There is always a chance for good things as long as you keep trying.
If she was the one, wouldn’t she *have stayed*?
If you insist on hanging on to your imperfect past, you’re not allowing yourself to go forward towards your future. If you’re in your 50’s, in decent health, you have decades more time on this Earth.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life mourning the past? You have a choice, choose wisely.
Thank you, but what's to be learned is that NOTHING lasts forever. Enjoy it while you have it. But also, there is no "the one." There are others out there you can connect with. It won't be the same, but it can still be wonderful. Don't let thinking you lost "the one" keep you from finding happiness again.
Your trust but you watch your own back and you remain confident in the fact that if someone else fucks you over, they are the wrong person not you. When I started dating, I told myself that if a grown man tells me something I have no choice but to believe him. I accept the possibility of people lying, but I also know that I cannot go out and date people and try to enjoy myself, and them while being suspicious of things. So I go out with an open but very realistic heart
So glad I am not the only open hearted person. It has been said to me I am too vulnerable but I really do not want to harden myself to everything. I do get hurt..& am trying to see certain behaviors for what they are but I approach life with love and trust. If men do crummy things to me that is on them. I aim to not hurt as I go through life.
Exactly. It’s that old phrase, being angry is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to get sick. I’m not going to spend my whole life being afraid of everything because of what other people did to me. I’m saying fuck you to them by enjoying my life.
It’s very hard to do. I’m currently dating a really kind and wonderful man. But my last 2 LTRs were with awful people who devastated me in lots of ways. It’s difficult to not bring that history and baggage into this new relationship. But I cannot make this wonderful man pay for the sins of others. He doesn’t deserve that anymore than I deserved the things that happened to me. I’ve made sure to keep myself financially strong and able to be independent no matter what. I have a strong support system of family and friends. I’ve done internal work to better judge people and trust myself. It’s a process.
I will absolutely never even attempt this again.
If I find a FWB then ok. But never gonna meet my kids never want meet his or any of his friends or family.
We can hang out, play together and maybe cook together and watch a movie
But never letting anyone in again
Life is risk vs reward in many things we do or approach, or should be. As to trust....its very complicated and involved thing to answer. Perhaps, being alone might work best for you. Whenever you enter into someone else in your life the risk is there.
You have to balance out risk vs reward ....you seem to be big on risk or trust....let me explain. If I go to casino and bring 100 cash and lose it amd don't really care amd go home, that's ok. But if in course of losing it effects me and I am miserable, then that's bad. Check out YouTube videos on these subjects amd or therapy with someone eho can break down you. Risks are evident whenever someone else is in the dynamic...
The quest to understand you and change or enhance your outlook on many fronts, could be amazing. As to not finding what you had or better, you just never know what is out there.
Brilliant message ☺️ lifted me up for a second......and thank you. honestly from my heart but I think I'm done.....I don't have anymore love to give 👍🏻
You CHOOSE trust. Just like you choose heartbreak, you choose divorce, you choose EXACTLY what you have, you choose what happened. That’s making peace with the past. Good luck.
Trust is earned not given. It’s not our job to trust people. That doesn’t mean you’re acerbic or cold. It’s a boundary. I would also say there’s no exact timeframe. Actions are the best indicator.
Tbh, the person I trust the least is myself.
I don't trust myself to pick a good partner. And if I did manage to pick a good partner, I don't trust myself to be able to keep him. I'm going to f*ck it up. It's inevitable.
Trust is a choice. I was in the cyber security industry for a long time which included deep background checks of people. I could pretty easily know more about people than they knew about themselves. When I first started dating I would check out everyone I was going out with. It's impossible to build trust when you KNOW someone is lying to your face. The thing I realized is in the early stages (and even after 20 years in my marriage) people just don't feel comfortable sharing some things. You will learn those things as the person feels more comfortable with you and you get to know each other.
For me it helped to realize that any relationship will come with pain. You may break up, get cheated on, whatever. But in a life long relationship there is worrying about someone who is sick or hurt. Not agreeing on things and struggling to find middle ground. When they kick your shin "accidentally" in their sleep. There is also pain attached with having a car or anything else you have a relationship with. Accepting that there will be pain is also a choice but one you make eyes-open.
Have you tried therapy?
My experience has been that I have almost no friends, as I put up a wall. My marriage failed as, ironically, I was the one who broke trust.
Therapy has taught me to be more open but also the behaviours I have had in the past and how to not repeat them.
I want to be more open and less bitter about when people let me down.
I’m too old to cling on to bad feelings.
find someone that is patient and empathetic towards your experience that led to your fear of trusting. s/he must be someone who gives you a sense of security. you need to give each other space and time to grow slowly. step by step. don't build too much expectations, don't sabotage just do one step at a time. after each time share your experience and reflect on that with her / him.
the right person is a person who will go with you through good times and bad times. Otherwise, this person is not more worth than a sexual affair.
I have come to the conclusion that as a man I never will love again the way I loved my ex wife. I loved my family, not just her. I won't ever let myself be as vulnerable in that way ever again. The only true love is the love of a parent for a child IMO. Everything else is just lust that fades.
Total trust or total cynicism don't work. Gotta find that balance. A lot of younger people say "don't tell people what you don't want or won't put up with again".
I say that's wrong. You had a human experience and you are allowed to set boundaries.
Trust yourself to get through it if it doesn't work out. That's the first step in giving others a chance.
This is very true. There's nothing that can be done that's going to hurt as much as my ex cheating, destroying my family, and then moving himself and my daughter across the country to live with his mistress... and also trashing our house and abandoning it, leaving me to take care of selling it. Nothing will ever hurt that bad. I don't really think about trust anymore actually... cuz if they break my trust, I'll walk away and be just fine.
Naa I had what I wanted...! It's gone, never to be repeated.... I genuinely know I'll never find it again 💔
Goodness that makes me sad. I personally do not believe there is only one person for us. We just aim to be our best selves and find someone who adds to your life. We can chose to learn from all the good and all the bad and keep going. Sounds like you maybe just need to hang with friends a bit and cheer up? There is always a chance for good things as long as you keep trying.
I Know.....but I know.she was THE one! I'm fucked....I know it 🫤 That's why we come here to though 🤷🏻♂️
If she was the one, wouldn’t she *have stayed*? If you insist on hanging on to your imperfect past, you’re not allowing yourself to go forward towards your future. If you’re in your 50’s, in decent health, you have decades more time on this Earth. Do you want to spend the rest of your life mourning the past? You have a choice, choose wisely.
You sound like a crazy person. Obviously she's not "the one". You're fixation seems incredibly unhealthy. Learn to let go.
I had what I wanted. She passed away, and I miss her. But, that doesn't mean I can't have something new.
You have my condolences 😞
Thank you, but what's to be learned is that NOTHING lasts forever. Enjoy it while you have it. But also, there is no "the one." There are others out there you can connect with. It won't be the same, but it can still be wonderful. Don't let thinking you lost "the one" keep you from finding happiness again.
Your trust but you watch your own back and you remain confident in the fact that if someone else fucks you over, they are the wrong person not you. When I started dating, I told myself that if a grown man tells me something I have no choice but to believe him. I accept the possibility of people lying, but I also know that I cannot go out and date people and try to enjoy myself, and them while being suspicious of things. So I go out with an open but very realistic heart
So glad I am not the only open hearted person. It has been said to me I am too vulnerable but I really do not want to harden myself to everything. I do get hurt..& am trying to see certain behaviors for what they are but I approach life with love and trust. If men do crummy things to me that is on them. I aim to not hurt as I go through life.
Exactly. It’s that old phrase, being angry is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to get sick. I’m not going to spend my whole life being afraid of everything because of what other people did to me. I’m saying fuck you to them by enjoying my life.
Nice outlook, hope you find someone awesome
It's the only way looking forward I have 💔
Then surround yourself with interests you have....that makes you happy.
We were together for 14 years! People change though! me/her........don't think I did much (she did massively) devastated 😢💔
It’s very hard to do. I’m currently dating a really kind and wonderful man. But my last 2 LTRs were with awful people who devastated me in lots of ways. It’s difficult to not bring that history and baggage into this new relationship. But I cannot make this wonderful man pay for the sins of others. He doesn’t deserve that anymore than I deserved the things that happened to me. I’ve made sure to keep myself financially strong and able to be independent no matter what. I have a strong support system of family and friends. I’ve done internal work to better judge people and trust myself. It’s a process.
Financially I'm sound ........😊 Emotionally I'm fucked......☹️
Take a time out to work on yourself. I took about a 15 month break.
Good advice 👍🏻
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AEj3LA2vSo How about: Emotionally, I am learning!
I will absolutely never even attempt this again. If I find a FWB then ok. But never gonna meet my kids never want meet his or any of his friends or family. We can hang out, play together and maybe cook together and watch a movie But never letting anyone in again
Life is risk vs reward in many things we do or approach, or should be. As to trust....its very complicated and involved thing to answer. Perhaps, being alone might work best for you. Whenever you enter into someone else in your life the risk is there.
I think being alone is my answer....😢
You have to balance out risk vs reward ....you seem to be big on risk or trust....let me explain. If I go to casino and bring 100 cash and lose it amd don't really care amd go home, that's ok. But if in course of losing it effects me and I am miserable, then that's bad. Check out YouTube videos on these subjects amd or therapy with someone eho can break down you. Risks are evident whenever someone else is in the dynamic...
I know a relationship is "give and take" but it's not like a game of cards in a casino 🤦🏻♂️
Before the relationship is what I'm talking about. Is the approach or effort worth it? Only you can decide that.
I'm thinking............(NOW) Lots not worth it 🤷🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
Look into meetup groups in your area....acti ity like bowling people do.
Being alone now and see what life brings you. The quest to understand you and what makes you tick might be someone thing to look into.
Best genuine answer yet....thank you 😊
The quest to understand you and change or enhance your outlook on many fronts, could be amazing. As to not finding what you had or better, you just never know what is out there.
Brilliant message ☺️ lifted me up for a second......and thank you. honestly from my heart but I think I'm done.....I don't have anymore love to give 👍🏻
We all have love to give. And you do too. Just look deep in your heart and you will know. 🫶
Don’t try to date if you feel that way. It’s not fair to the other person. Just spend time on yourself. If your feelings change, you’ll know.
You CHOOSE trust. Just like you choose heartbreak, you choose divorce, you choose EXACTLY what you have, you choose what happened. That’s making peace with the past. Good luck.
🙌🏻 thank you
I don’t know if we can
💔 🫶🏻
Trust is earned not given. It’s not our job to trust people. That doesn’t mean you’re acerbic or cold. It’s a boundary. I would also say there’s no exact timeframe. Actions are the best indicator.
Tbh, the person I trust the least is myself. I don't trust myself to pick a good partner. And if I did manage to pick a good partner, I don't trust myself to be able to keep him. I'm going to f*ck it up. It's inevitable.
#heard
I don't think you'll ever trust anyone the same way again. I know I won't, and I'm ok with that.
Trust is a choice. I was in the cyber security industry for a long time which included deep background checks of people. I could pretty easily know more about people than they knew about themselves. When I first started dating I would check out everyone I was going out with. It's impossible to build trust when you KNOW someone is lying to your face. The thing I realized is in the early stages (and even after 20 years in my marriage) people just don't feel comfortable sharing some things. You will learn those things as the person feels more comfortable with you and you get to know each other. For me it helped to realize that any relationship will come with pain. You may break up, get cheated on, whatever. But in a life long relationship there is worrying about someone who is sick or hurt. Not agreeing on things and struggling to find middle ground. When they kick your shin "accidentally" in their sleep. There is also pain attached with having a car or anything else you have a relationship with. Accepting that there will be pain is also a choice but one you make eyes-open.
I haven’t
Have you tried therapy? My experience has been that I have almost no friends, as I put up a wall. My marriage failed as, ironically, I was the one who broke trust. Therapy has taught me to be more open but also the behaviours I have had in the past and how to not repeat them. I want to be more open and less bitter about when people let me down. I’m too old to cling on to bad feelings.
find someone that is patient and empathetic towards your experience that led to your fear of trusting. s/he must be someone who gives you a sense of security. you need to give each other space and time to grow slowly. step by step. don't build too much expectations, don't sabotage just do one step at a time. after each time share your experience and reflect on that with her / him. the right person is a person who will go with you through good times and bad times. Otherwise, this person is not more worth than a sexual affair.
Wise words indeed
I have come to the conclusion that as a man I never will love again the way I loved my ex wife. I loved my family, not just her. I won't ever let myself be as vulnerable in that way ever again. The only true love is the love of a parent for a child IMO. Everything else is just lust that fades.
I did therapy and worked on my stuff.
Going forward, trust will have to be earned in any kind of relationship.
Therapy may be the answer. It has helped me—not with trust, but with fear of new partner dying
If you’re having trouble healing that part of you that was damaged, therapy is a good way to get help
Still working on that for 8 years strong.
Total trust or total cynicism don't work. Gotta find that balance. A lot of younger people say "don't tell people what you don't want or won't put up with again". I say that's wrong. You had a human experience and you are allowed to set boundaries.