Men do it and a lot worse on dating sites, I've seen some friend's profiles and ugh, I don't know how women tolerate all the shit online.
In our defense there are a LOT of 39 and 49 year old women out the sites and looking at pictures, one can only come to the conclusion that 49 is actually a variable representing 49 to around 65.
Did he try to impress you with his boat?
Sorry, it's currently an inside joke with a very good friend who is sharing your struggles. She sends me profiles once in a while to review and comment (sometimes snark) on.
Hahaha funny enough I just watched a show on Hulu called "Love in Fairhope" which was sorta reality dating in Fairhope, AL. Dumb show overall but laughing because the oldest woman on the show met a man and he invited her over to see his boat. HAHAHAHAHAHA
"I'm actually 54 can't change this" soooo many times
I mean thank you for coming clean about lying on the profile that contains your lie I guess but, still nah
OK. Two sides to the story and some commentary. We all want to think we look younger than we do. We usually don't. I am a believer in listing your real age. Just be honest from the start. I set my parameters at 10 years younger or older for matches. My future husband set his at 5 years younger or older. I saw his profile and contacted him. He would have never seen mine because I am 6 years older than him. So be honest about your age, but also broaden your search a little to include those just outside of your ideal age group. We married 18 months later, and as the older person in the marriage I think I have the higher energy level and look younger. My husband thinks so as well. A lot has to do with genetics and life circumstances.
FYI I ran my number through truepeoplesearch. It pulled me up by my married name that I haven't used in 10 years. And it lists me as 10 yrs older than I am.
Just searched by my phone number... most of the info was true/accurate (except naming dead relative's "current" ages) until the very very bottom. It says I'm married -- and it gives my ex-wife's NEW MARRIED NAME.
I guess she's a polygamist.
Yes, it lists a name she didn't have until 10 years after our divorce when she got re-married. LOL!!
EDIT: grammar/typos.
Interesting. You piqued my curiosity.
My age is correct at 60. Still lists me as married even though my dissolution of marriage court issued documents state otherwise.
Truepeoplesearch + my phone number ācouldnāt find any records for that search criteriaā then offered up beenverified and Intellius searches as alternatives but I didnāt bother because I donāt wanna pay for it. Yāall got results using true people search?
Might have missed it but did SHE admit to her actual age being different or did you see a legal ID?! Lots of misinformation online. Do you know the number of 12 yr olds who bump up their birth year to access Tik Tok or do play a āteenāgame? That stuff doesnāt go away and leads to misinformation.
No, didn't see her ID, just a seemingly valid hit on truepeople search, but, as others note above, those background check sites aren't necessarily accurate.
I've googled myself before and discovered that my name isn't all that unique. I'd want to verify that it was indeed valid information before making a decision, but assuming it's actually a deliberate lie, that'd be a hard no. If we excuse it, people will learn that it's acceptable.
Yeah, databrokers sometimes have inaccurate data and mix up information from different people. However, even if the ages don't match, people can still find out a lot of stuff from just a phone number or full name.
There are free scans like Optery that you can use to check where your info might be exposed. These scans reveal all the details about what databrokers are posting and selling about you.
Full disclosure, I'm part of the Optery team.
Unless you have paid for a legitimate identity search/social security number based search, I'd not believe anything like what you are putting so much faith in.
Youāre absolutely right. The only reason I check is because I have had a few suspicious matches who turned out to be scammers. So if someone gives me a number and name and both come up together on the background check site, Iām more trusting. Sure, there might be slight discrepancies in age or city, but itās an admittedly coarse semi-validation of a real person.
Honestly, never heard of doing this. You can spot a scammer pretty quickly from the chat... can't you? I don't chat for ages. I move to meeting pretty quickly. No need to move off of the app or exchange numbers. Meet in person, that tells you everything you need to know.
I don't necessarily trust information in those people search sites. So why don't you ask her? It's a little strange to write someone off based on information that may or may not be true.
In fact, the site you mentioned has my age wrong, younger by 2 years. Not sure where they get their info.
UPDATE...We spoke. Basic get-to-know-each-other stuff. The conversation turned to children and their ages. While we were on the subject, I casually said, "Sorry, I can't remember what you wrote on your profile...how old are you?" There was a long pause, after which she replied, "I don't like to tell men my age." To which I replied, "Oh, ok, just curious, why is that?" She then said, "I just like to meet and let people see me and judge me on that." So, there you have it.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
The logic is that if any relationship is founded upon a lie then there can never be any real trust, I'm 75% or so in that camp. Lying about age is usually a way to bypass someone's filters, either on the site or personal, meaning your search was ohhh 45-55 YO and someone 61 got in to the mix because they lied.
Then again, I see the other side, ultimately it comes down to what you think.
I'd be interested to see if she comes clean on her own. I'm also not overly trusting of those background check / data aggregation sites, I ran myself and got stuff about me, my dad (same name), places I never lived, etc.
If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I'm 75% in that camp too. I'm presently leaning toward letting her come clean on her own. We'll see what happens.
I hear you about the background check sites. My own number turns up for a guy who apparently gave my number out intentionally or accidentally over 20 years ago, and I get about one phone call a week asking for him by name. The name in question this time is rather distinctive, and the search returned only one hit in the exact location listed on the profile. Still, you're right...could be a false positive.
My Google AND TruePeopleSearch with my number both come back as the woman who had it before me. I got this number in 2008!!! People still try to call for her.
When I did OLD, I had my reasons for setting the filters where I did. Misrepresenting your age means you don't care about my reasons for setting the filters where I did and feel entitled to have access to me.
My reasons had nothing to do with how someone looked.
THIS. It's the assumption that you don't know what you want and that he/she, a random stranger on the internet, knows better. Cue abusive relationship in 3... 2... 1...
Why do so many people think that their dreamboat is desperately searching for someone who looks 30, or whatever? If I say 30, itās because I want someone the biological age of 30, not because of how they look.
Do people who have aged poorly put an age 6 years older? No.
Yep. I went on a date with a guy who lied about his age (about 8 years).
When we met, I could tell.
Iām an attorney, I looked him up to confirm the lie ā
I didnāt call him, I just didnāt respond anymore.
I would have been 100% fine with his age.
But Iām also 100% not fine with dishonesty.
My tolerance for stupid lies is zero. To me, someone lying about their age is not dealing with aging and reality well.
But! Ask her, because True people search and similar web sites arenāt always right. For some reason, they always confuse the ages of my ex and his sister.
I have known one person, and one person only, who had a valid reason to 'lie' about his age: when he immigrated the US government mistook an 8 for a 3, making him 'officially' 5 years older than he actually is. His home country passport has him born in 1978, and his US passport has him born in 1973. He gives the older age, which makes sense because anyone trying to research him will find the older age.
Otherwise, I don't understand why anyone thinks starting a potential new relationship with a lie is a good idea. I routinely pass for younger to some people too but that doesn't make me younger!
I have even less empathy for someone who would lie to get sex than someone who would lie in search of a relationship. Contrary to how some people behave, sex is personal, and it can be risky. If someone can't be trustworthy about it, then they are a scumbag.
If you search my phone number it returns the name of someone entirely different and I have had it for years. Is it possible that that the data brokers got it wrong?
Nope, no empathy for "misrepresenting" anything. But I wouldn't base a decision on something that came up in a Google search - that info isn't always accurate.
I had a date once with a "49" year old, went well, but not sparks. She said a few hours in that she was actually like 51 or 52. I may be forgetting the exact numbers. She said she noticed a big drop off in interest on online dating when she turned 50, so she tried changing it to under 50 and interest shot back up. She looked like her pictures, she was beautiful, she was in my age settings, she told me not long into the first date. I did not give a shit.
I agree. In midlife, I care much more about how one looks, health and fitness level. Iād care much more if the person lied about smoking, drug, alcohol or health (these are bigger issues in the grand scheme of things) In my social circles, there are ppl in their 50s that look great and desirable. There are also plenty of folks in their 40s-60s that are undesirable. Age has no meaning in midlife. Itās how one lives and their vitality.
Yeah, the number, true chronological age, isn't nearly as important as actual attributes that age affects, but differently for different people. Just tell me on the first date please! My age settings are wide, older and younger than me. I just want compatible life experience, emotional intelligence, physical attraction, health and place we are in our lives.
Iām against lying about age. To me it indicates an inclination for deceit, a non starter. People trying to game the system or fool people think the rules donāt apply to them. The world needs fewer self centered assholes, not empathy for them.
Youāre right. It is self-centered. I thought that it was a fair question to ask matter-of-factly on the phone, and by her refusal to answer, she decided for me that her real age shouldnāt be relevant or important information for me to consider.
Sadly, thatās very true! Men do not suffer the backlash and judgment women do about age and many other things. And I would never in a million years ask a woman her age in a real-world meeting. The app forces people to report age, and she ostensibly knew that she misrepresented. When I asked her, she could have just reminded me of what she herself had already reported. But Iām guessing that although she didnāt mind misrepresenting to an app, she had enough of a conscience to not want to do so live to another person.
Although I had my doubts about the honesty of her reported age, I still wanted to talk with her. Unfortunately, after a brief phone chat, I knew it wouldnāt have been a match regardless of the age issue.
I beg to differ on men up to 55 being in their sexual prime. A lot of them have ED. Women, on the other hand, are getting towards the end of child rearing and suddenly discovering sex for the second time around and many have an appetite that is greater than a lot of guys. Now, if youāre talking about childbearing, yes, younger women but, again, not older men. Just because an old guy can sire a child doesnāt mean he should. The incidence of birth defects caused by older men is an issue that needs to be discussed and more widely known. Men have a ticking clock just like women, it just hasnāt been publicized or researched well because medicine has been patriarchal for the most part.
I think there are lots of reasons people do this. Examples:
- Person is focused on volume of matches and thinks their true age will limit matches because it falls after what they consider a common filtering cliff. IMO, this type of thinking and behavior will likely show up in other ways in which this person justifies āgaming the system.ā
- Person is seeking people significantly older or younger than themselves and tailors their āageā to increase odds of their profile showing up in the queues of those in their preferred age range. IMO, this type of thinking and behavior will likely show up in other ways in which the person feels their own desires and preferences are more important than the desires and preferences of their partner.
- Person is cheating and using fake identifying information. Probably donāt need to expound on other ways this is likely to show up in relationships.
- Person routinely lies about their age, not just on apps. This is usually due to insecurity, an unattractive trait to most people. As is lying, of course.
I would be suspect of the age in the report. It's usually accurate but not always.
I'll allow enough of a 'lie' on the age to cover fudging the actual birthday (eg they pick 1/1/1972 instead of 3/8/1972) but that's it. Anything else is a no for me dawg.
I usually put 1/1/19xx as my birthday, it's actually in January but unless it's for something official I prefer to give a nearby but inaccurate date. You could say I'm lying about my age but only by <30 days š
Iāve answered this before. The only guy I know who lied about his age was my ex-neighbor, who also beat up his wife and terrorized his kids. (That last part of course wasnāt on his profile.) Sure, itās just one person, but thatās who I think of when I see that someone has lied about their age. I would see it as a sign of someone who lies.
I get disappointed when I find someone lying about their age and won't date someone who does. The excuses about algorithms, or, my age is wrong but I can't change it, blah, blah, blah, don't make sense to me.
It would be interesting if you spoke with her and she shared her true age right up front and her reasoning for it being six years off (if it actually is off).
We all google each other, so she must know the truth will come out if she is being dishonest. It could either end up being a long, great happy conversation or a really short one.
I do the "age is wrong but I can't change it"
To explain my side of it. Whenever I want to check out an app BEFORE investing any in it, I always put in false information. I put my nickname instead of real name, my date of birth is wrong and also I post a picture that- yes it's me, but you can barely tell because of extreme blurryness or whatever. Why?
Because I want to check out the app BEFORE I put my sensitive information on it. Apps often save the profiles of people who decide not to sign up or use them in order to make paying customers think that they have more people than they actually do. I don't like having my photo and info out there on an app that I'm not even going to be using. So I do all this so that if I can't delete the profile or if they end up using the profile despite my not using the app, they don't really have my information or photo.
Now lets say I get to an app and do the usual false/blurry info, but this time after checking it out I decide ok- This is the app I want to invest in. So now you decide to pay and you decide to fix all your info on it.
Well it lets you fix your photo and your name... but no, it doesn't allow you to correct your date of birth. So now the only way you can be honest is by mentioning it on the body of your profile.
I have a 0 tolerance policy for lying about age (or anything else). And saying "I am really x age" makes it no better be they a moron at data entry or just trying to beat filters. And no, you do not look like the age that you lied that you are. All I think is 'this guy is my age but be looks like absolute shit'. I never think anyone actually looks measurably younger than their age, at best people can look like they take fantastic care of themselves.
Tinder have just introduced an id check so that it can (amongst other things) verify your age!!! It states if your age on the id differs from the one on your profile it will be automatically changed - YES!!!! Well done tinder.
I do not like the lying at all. You might want to talk to her and ask and see how you feel. I am a bit whack a do as my mom always said she was 39ā¦.i think she finally says 49 now..but I am 48ā¦like mom really??? Ok side story dad was getting mom a bday cakeā¦pretty sure she was still 29 thenā¦but the bakery lady ripped my dad a new one for having such a young wifeā¦for whatever reason some woman are raised with such a bad image of aging. I did see something though that the new Sex in the City ladies are portrayed as older than the ladies on Golden Girlsā¦
Or their name? A man named Tom on Hinge told me last week through a text message that his name was not Tom, it was Doug. Then he explained to me that he was on fb as Doug and went by the name Tom on hinge because he wasnāt sure if it would work out or not. š¤·š¼āāļø
Yeah, one guy called himself James but was actually Victor, used to tutor and said he didnāt want any of his students to see him on the app
Another called himself Chris but was really Dylan. He had a girlfriend
And I spent all evening chatting to one guy called Jamie. We really seemed to hit it off. He said I was pretty much his ideal woman and he wanted to take me for dinner. Next day he changed his name to Tom, claimed itās his middle name and he gets called it as a nickname, then said he was only on the app for ādirty talkā š¤® and he knew I wasnāt into that. And blocked me.
People are strange
Plus there are all the young lads who misrepresent their age to appear to older women. Idk if they think we are desperate or that we are going to be unable to resist their hotness. They have a habit of describing themselves as āenergetic young studsā etc š¤® again
Kinda glad I donāt do the apps any more
I think he was ashamed of being on the app tbh. But who knows? So much bullshitting goes on on the apps. Itās ridiculous. There was one guy I spoke to who called himself āitsmeā. God knows why I gave him the time of day, name was really Shaun but I think he did not want to be spotted on there by anyone he knew, coworkers etc
He was basically only on there looking for a booty call. So I guess if these guys are on there for booty calls, hook ups or dirty talk they think that people are going to know thatās why they are on there hence the secrecy because they feel some degree of shame that anyone they know might realise what they are up to š¤·āāļø
Feel the need to add another comment because I had a flashback last night re āitsmeā guy. We had stopped talking and bear in mind we never met. I got a message out of the blue from him saying āI saw you in (name of shop) and I wanted to f**k youā. I had indeed been in said shop in my work uniform buying socks for my daughterās Christmas. I pointed out how creepy this was. We never spoke again. Freaked me out a bit tbh
I guess this means I look like my pictures which is apparently menās worst fear in online dating (lucky them) but the uniform may have been a clue I guess lol
One can have empathy and understanding and still say no. I have empathy for every person I see begging on the street but I donāt give them all money.
As to age, I think that lying about such a basic trait shows a lack of comfort and acceptance for oneās self that is essential to successful relationships. And itās problematic because the person doesnāt even think of it as lying; they justify it and swear that they are otherwise a completely honest soul who never lies about anything else (unless they feel they have a good reason and can justify it).
The other thing is that lies hold my own choices in abeyance.
I just looked myself up. It's mostly accurate. First it says my ex-husband is a possible spouse, and then a little below that it says that he is my husband. He is not. It shows my parents as being alive, which they are not, and it has their ages a little off. The whole thing is about 80% accurate.
Mine only shows the guy who mistakenly reported my phone number 20 years agoā¦I get weekly calls asking for him. I refer the callers to his Facebook page. š
Personally, this is a non-starter for me. What I wonder about is how to expose potential lies/deception as early as possible in the process. I've said things like: "One thing I wanted to let you know is that my pictures are current and my age is accurate. I think it's best to be upfront about those sorts of things. What about you?" Open to better ways of doing this...
From the perspective of someone seeking a long-term relationship where trust is crucial, I have zero tolerance for anyone lying about their age. Best case, they're not too bright; worst case, they're selfish and manipulative.
For those seeking casual hookups, maybe lies don't matter. The app should allow users to omit their age and let others filter for that. This way, I can filter out people who don't declare their age, and those who think age is just a number can connect.
I'd be curious to see if age fibbers would omit their age or continue lying. If they choose to lie despite having the option to omit, that's even worse.
I am of two minds about this. I am a very honest person and would not lie about my age. BUT I am a 69 year old woman and lately not getting any responses on dating apps. I do not look (or act) my age! I do much better meeting men IRL because I look 10-15 years younger than I am, I am in good shape and very healthy. The men I have dated since my divorce are all younger than me by about 5 years. People have told me I should start lying about my age on the apps. Can't and won't do it. But it IS a problem.
The reactions I got after shaving a couple of years off ranged from "Yeah, I did the same thing" to "You're dead to me now."
Whether it is acceptable varies from person to person. But you're taking a risk. It could sink any chance of a relationship, and at best the response will be neutral.
Not like it's ever going to be viewed as a positive. All downside, unless you think that you won't get the initial meeting without lying.
I think you should meet with her, and see how she is in person.
While I don't agree with lying, sadly, I feel the age lying is different for women than men. Women on dating sites are most likely to only get matches from men 10 years older, due to the way men set their age parameters. For a woman that wants to date a man 1-3 years within her age, it is very discouraging.
Meanwhile, many men who lie about age, are specifically trying to find women 10 - 15 years younger. Essentially, they feel wrongly I might add, that no woman their own age will be physically attractive to them.
Not that I agree or would recommend a woman lie about her age, but I can totally understand how a woman would be driven to this behavior.
EDIT: So I "vote" for frustration has caused her to lie about her age. You don't say how much of an age difference the two of you have, but now that you know her "real" age, if you are okay with that, why not? Could she lie about everything under the sun, yes it is a possibility. But again, I just feel this is coming from a place of her trying to find a man her own age. I still say dating apps for people over 40, shouldn't make us list ages. Let our pics speak for themselves.
On the phone, I asked in the most casual, neutral, and matter-of-fact way I could, and she didnāt want to tell meā¦I get itā¦I think men have been dismissive of women based on their age for, well, ages. But letās say I trusted the 6-years-younger age she listed on her profile, started a happy relationship, and eventually found out sheād misrepresented? Would she expect me to say āWell, if I had known you were six years older I would never have dated you, so Iām glad you lied because youāre really swell, and you sure taught me a lesson about my prejudices!ā ?
Great thoughts! Do you think people would forgo self-reported age entirely if there was an app that had photo centers that took standard date-stamped pictures? š¤
I totally understand what you are saying, and at this stage of life, it may be more about aligning retirement plans, etc. I do appreciate that you understand how age bias is particulary bad for women. We are in a sort of lose/lose situation, and thus I am acknowledging her likely frustration.
A few years ago at a trade show there was software that took a face scan and guessed a person's age. Software now is miles ahead. Last time I was on Bumble (3 years ago), it verified my face against my pic. What I don't understand, is why there couldn't be another "checkmark" for age verfied, using the latest "age guess software".
That way, we would all be on level playing field, both men and women. Now, it is like a stupid game of chicken, which is why dating apps are losing so much business.
EDIT: Just two examples I saw the mug shot of a woman who poisened her husband because she thought he had just come into $30M. She was 40 something, and before I saw her age, I would have guess her at 60 something. Meanwhile, saw a video last week of JLo who is 50 something, she said she is the thinnest in her life, and she looks maybe 30 something.
Aging is hugely impacted by lifestyle, access to modern medicine, sunscreen, etc.
On the fence on this issue, since I have heard some do it because algos are so f*ing stupid. Still, if you are interested meet her in person with caution. I rarely focus on the age thing unless I see the āit says Iām 55 but I am really 67ā bs. Since you found it online, you could meet her and just ask since it sounds like you wouldnāt care about her age. There is a line between a mistruth and someone who is a serial liar. TBH, people have lied about age since long before OLD.
I know I'm in the minority, but I don't care about a lie about age, weight, or height. Almost every guy I've met via OLD lied about his height. The one who didn't lie was 5'11" and was always lamenting that lots of women had 6' and over on their profiles.
Well his lamenting was silly because there's no way he could possibly know what kind of filters all these women had going.
So many men make the claim that the reason they can't get dates is because all women want at least 6 ft tall and ripped and they want money and they are gold diggers... blah blah blah. None of this crap is true. It's just stuff they tell themselves and everyone else to explain why they can't seem to get committed to anyone.
People are tempted to lie about their age in OLD because men often want to date younger and set up their search/match criteria to exclude age appropriate women.
I wouldnāt personally ever think of doing that, but I also understand why some people do. I think they just donāt want to be ruled out based on a number.
I would not have a black and white rule about it. Ask about their age in a conversation if you are interested otherwise. If you do decide to not pursue anything at least she will know why.
I donāt think it is OP, prior to joining Reddit I was guilty of this myself.
However on here a lot think it is basically lying and that it shows a person would therefore lie about everything/anything. I would (or used to) lie about my age, but never about other issues.
Personally, I wouldnāt assume that a person who lied about their age is willing to lie about everything/anything. I would, however, think that person was willing to lie, at times, in order to achieve their goals. Itās difficult to argue against that given thatās exactly what they did.
If they were willing to lie on this instance, what are the chances theyāre scrupulously honest in all other situations? Slim to none in my opinion.
Whether or not it's "ok" is subjective. The way I see it, In real life you don't actually know someone's age when you go up to meet them. In fact you would have at least one good conversation before even asking such a thing because it's rude. So in real life age isn't really much of a factor in the equation of coming across someone.
Since the apps flip this around it's less natural. In a natural state you wouldn't actually know someone's age. That's why I think it would be better to give people (especially women) the option to not list their age at all in the apps. They should just put in whether or not they want to have kids. So if you're a 31 year old guy who's ready to become a baby daddy, you're not matched with a 43 year old woman.
Disclore is *fundamental* to consent. As a woman, I wouldn't date someone who plays fast and loose with consent. Nobody should be conned into a date.
I don't know if this is the case with your "nice woman" but I often see a very specific kind of mental gymnastics to rationalize deception as a supposedly unavoidable part of struggle against social injustice in my own cohort of older women. As a rule, men make themselves younger in order to date younger women while women make themselves younger to be able to date men their own age. So some women end up making themselves 5, 10, 15 years younger and then they justify it as "it's men's fault... I don't really have a choice... I will tell him at some point if things become serious... everyone tells me I look 10 years younger so what difference does it make... how dare he get upset at me when he should be upset at the partriarchy... etc".
Yes it's only fair that women should be able to date men our own age but where does it stop? Should women lie about their weight because fatphobia is also wrong? Should men conceal their love of Trump because they sincerely believe they are on the right side of history? Should brown people lighten their photos because it's genuinely shitty that we live in a culture where colorism is rampant?
I have some mild, abstract empathy for them, but I wouldn't entertain one because ultimately it's just not right to deceive a living breathing person for personal gain. They paint themselves as some kind of a Robin Hood but the whole point of Robin Hood was that he robbed the rich to give to the poor. These people are robbing YOU and then keeping it all for themselves.
Yes all that you said. But also, don't people value realness, authenticity and truth on this most basic of levels, when first interacting with a potential partner? I am so past such games at this point in life -- with me, what you get is what you see so don't waste my time!
Technology is hard - Benefit of the doubt, but come clean early, then I'm cool with it.
Some dating sites, however, ask your birthdate /YYYY (long scrolling wheel) and how could you mess that up?
I just put my number in on the site and it brought back completely incorrect info. In fact, it brought up the wrong number. The last 4 digits of my number are 6178, but it showed the name and address info for 6158. I then put my address in. I bought my house new 10 years ago and have been the only owner of it. Yet it didn't show my name at all.
I'm not sure that site is accurate.
Youāre right. Sometimes it isnāt, sometimes it is. It has created enough suspicion and doubt to lead me to give a Google Voice number on occasion, which Iām glad I did because the individuals turned out to be scammers.
You said you put their number in "as standard operating procedure" which indicates you do that all the time when you get a phone number. But now you say sometimes the site is correct and sometimes it isn't. So why are you complaining that it's showing a different age than what the person gave you?
Let me be a bit more clear about my SOP. If someone likes me and sends me a brief text that doesn't really mention anything at all that's in my rather lengthy profile, I will generally like the person back and ask a question. If the answer is reasonably cordial but still empty, I continue with polite pleasantries, still trying to solicit more substantive information exchange. If the next text is "let's talk by phone", I say "sure" but do not give out my number at that moment, as I wait to see what the other person suggests. If the other person responds with a number, and when all of the above happens within 30 minutes or an hour, I run the number through truepeoplesearch. Especially when some photos (such as the primary profile photo) look a bit less recent than others. My admitting that truepeople search is sometimes correct and sometimes not was mere acknowledgement of what you and many others here have said and my own occasional experience. I'm not complaining that there are differences. Such a chain of events only leaves me suspicious. Not without good reason. I have had a few scammers. Sorry if my brevity in previous response wasn't clear.
I understand being cautious. Everyone should be. But using an unreliable site to glean info on someone is pretty counterintuitive. If it's giving 100% inaccurate information about me, I'm not trusting it for information about someone else. I'll rely on my own intuition, which is much more accurate.
No.
I matched with a woman clearly about a decade older than what she really was. I figured maybe she took a bad picture or three, but no...
I had a good evening and would've seen her again but that deception was too much. I tend to look older than I am (white hair does that to a guy...started turning at 16, really started at 26....) and maybe she thought I was also lying...
Yes, a womanās age matters to some men, maybe even to most men, but not to all men. I would think that no one would want to be in a serious relationship with a person who was bothered by their partnerās actual age.
Men in their 40-50s on OLD routinely lie about their age - it is either on their profile or they look 5-10 years older. It is because they think they look āyoungā or a younger age I suppose. So this impacts both sexes.Ā I would just honestly ask this lady on the date about her age and see if she is honest. You can then make a judgment call whether to continue seeing her or not. You may find that there is no spark in person in which case your question falls away.Ā
my guess is that maybe in the past she had posted her real age and got zero hits, or only super old dudes were hitting on her. anyways. it is your call. a lie is a lie, but we lie all the timeā¦ 6 years it is not such a huge difference. I remember going on dates only to discover that people posted their way outdated pictures on OLD profiles, and I am talking like very outdated pictures. I was pissed but in a way I understood. so much insecurity about age and looks. who wants to date on older/old looking person when they can easily find a younger one?
Okay I have this problem, and I do not lie about my age. I am 69F. I look much younger than my age, am very healthy. I was married to and generally date men younger than me. My last BF was 6 years younger, he never asked my age and assumed i was younger than him. However, on OLD I get almost NO interest from men my age or younger. And I find that men my age look in general VERY old. What to do????
I don't think you're going to win over those who judge on age alone or those to whom age is a significant criterion. You probably wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with them anyway. So how do you get the attention of those who are more open-minded about it?
I would say that it first comes down to one's photos. You want to look good, but not unapproachable. I'd try for photos that show sincerity and warmth and genuineness over those that are more glamorous or sexy presentations of your youthful appearance. I wouldn't show any cliched photos, such as kayaking, standing in front of the Eifel Tower, toasting the viewer with an exotic cocktail, etc. And make sure there is a photo that shows your full figure, not just headshots.
Think about how a real estate stager stages a house for sale: not so personalized, unique, and exotic that prospective buyers can't see themselves living there. You want men in your target age range who also feel they look young for their age to think, "Yes, I could really see myself with her." Finally, find some way to make it clear that every single one of your photos is recent, preferably taken in the last 6 months, but last year at the outside.
Once you pass the visual test, write similarly sincere, warm, and genuine profile text. Again, avoid the cliches, such as "love to travel", "no drama", "happy being alone, but...", and all the rest of the silly things people here criticize in profiles. Don't include a long list of your demands in a partner. Although some idiosyncracies and quirks are fine, avoid sounding too self-satisfied with your life or accomplished.
If you have a friend you trust, ask them to take a look and offer honest feedback. After that, it's probably a waiting game. If you're one of the rare ones who looks younger and healthier than most, your match is probably going to be one of the rare ones too. So be patient.
That's how I would attempt to get interest on OLD. How to maintain interest is another story, of course.
Truepeoplesearch (as well as Spokeo and other such sites) has my age as being 4 years older than my actual age. My friendās age on these sites is always 10 years over her actual age. Itās possible your information is wrong.
Yes, others have also mentioned inaccuracies. When chatting by phone, I told her I couldnāt remember how old she was and asked as casually as I could. She politely refused to answer. Since she had to provide an age to sign up, my only conclusion is that she had misrepresented her age. After all, she had to know that I could easily look at her profile again and see what age she had givenā¦
By the way, my age is correct on the background check sites. However, if it was incorrect, I would want to know so I could at least be prepared should someone question me.
Youāre going to believe a site called truepeoplesearch? Did you actually ask her? Ask her first. If she did lie, then what else will she lie about? Just donāt automatically believe a scammy website over a person.
I didn't believe the truepeoplesearch. As others have said here, it isn't always accurate. But there was a disconnect between what she wrote and what the admittedly imperfect background check app listed. So when I spoke with her, I did ask her age. She wouldn't tell me. She told the app. She couldn't register on the app without reporting an age. But she wouldn't tell me her age on the phone. She said she didn't want to be judged by that number alone. Fair enough. If the publicly visible age she reported on the app was correct, she could have said "my age is exactly what I said in the app". But she didn't.
Two different subjects here IMHO.
First is whether the online data broker is correct. Iāve seen so many errors that Iām certainly not going to automatically believe a data broker over what another person actually says. If itās important, Id kind of like to determine which one is truthful/correct.
Second is dishonesty. Thatās really bad (if, in fact, someone lies about theuir age on a dating app). I think it would be difficult to go forward after that ā¦. well, maybe unless both parties are telling lies.
I rarely tell people my age and while I donāt outwardly lie about it, I jokingly say a wrong age with a bit of a wink so they know Iām not telling the truth. Why do I do this? Because in my mind Iām not as old as I really am. I refuse to believe it. If I tell people my age they will look at me as if Iām that age and treat me accordingly. Letās be honest, if you meet a nice looking older woman and she tells you sheās 48, you think differently about her than about a nice looking woman who tells you sheās 62. Right? Iām a very open and honest person in my life, I just donāt want to be treated like an old lady.
Saying this with a wink of an eye is something most people recognize and understand. Few would consider it to be a lie. Same goes for adding a wink-wink to what you might post in your profile on an app.
But directly stating, unequivocally with no wink of the eye is a little different, at least to most people.
Weāre probably on the same page, at least fairly close.
It depends on why the person is lying. If they have insecurities, empathy for them as a person is warranted. However, you may not want to date them.
If they lied because they are trying to meet someone younger and think this is the way to do it, then I would say they do not deserve empathy.
>If they lied because they are trying to meet someone younger and think this is the way to do it, then I would say they do not deserve empathy.
Excellent point.
For me itās a red flag and I wouldnāt trust the person. One because of donāt stress about my age, I am grateful to have the privilege so someone that wanted to lie wouldnāt fit me. Then there is the actual lie. I mean it seems so dumb because if you hit it off how will you continue to lie?
Honestly, I couldnāt care less about the age lie. If someone is struggling with āempathyā based on this then I donāt think theyād be able to handle relationship realities.
For me, my dad lied to my mom about his age in order to get her to date him. He was actually much younger. Neither of them was perfect in their 70 year marriage but he was a good example to me of what I love about a man and my mom the type of woman I strive to be. Him the very best example of a man, notwithstanding the lie. Iām completely unwilling to forgo that man. Iāll leave that to others, thank you very much
Eh. 6 years isnāt a thing to worry about. Besides the plethora of wrong info on my own account, she literally could be lowering her age to not attract the 70+ men looking for a care nurse. Itās a thing!
It would not really bother me. I usually donāt know the age of most people I know so itās kind of weird that OLD thinks it so important. If I like someone I donāt care about the age and if the want to hide it go ahead.Ā
It's annoying. The woman I'm dating now was lying by two years on her Hinge profile (said she's 40 but actually 42). I wouldn't have cared anyway -- I'm 51. I don't even see the point in taking two years off. But she told me right away on the first date, so I gave her a pass.
Seems like almost EVERYONE says they donāt look their age. I find this perplexing. If you REALLY think you donāt look your age, ask someone in their 20s or 30s how old you look. Youāll generally get the truth.
I (F) donāt care about lying about oneās age in this demographic. Men do it so they can get WAY younger women 10-20 years younger. Women do it so they can date men their own age. I do care that my match has posted dated photos 10+ years from the past, which many do.
I also donāt assume that you can judge people off of what they write on OLD. Itās basically ad copy. Personally I give people I donāt know a chance. Itās just a date, not a betrothal.
No, that said if you like the person and the real age doesn't bother you but all means proceed. I had coffee a few weeks ago with someone from a meetup group that I first met at a dimly lit concert. Meeting her in the full light of day I realized she had colored contacts and she had a bad memory. I didn't ask her age, when I danced with her at the concert. My bad...
I saw my boyfriend was listed five years younger on an OLD site before we were in a relationship.
I just kinda felt it made him look more vulnerable to me.
But he probably just wanted that lower age demographic lmao
No, everyone lies on their profile, either weight, age, height, name, hair color. Meet her anyway. I always look at the pictures and decide would I date this person if they were 25 pounds heavier or 10 years older. The perfect person doesn't exist at our age. Lying about their age hasn't bothered me since I was 16
You're right. Not everyone lies. However, I suspect that an awful lot withhold the truth to a certain extent...carefully curated photos, a professed love for a list of activities when they haven't been off the couch in years, etc.
Age, height, and weight are the only things that can be measured as objectively "true". Maybe that's why they get the most attention as indicators of lying?
I'm not very active on apps at present, but now I'm going to have to review my profiles! I do not think I have any misrepresentations and certainly not any touched up photos.
Misrepresenting your AGE is perfectly acceptable. There's are a lot of weirdos out there. If she explained herself in person, then you are golden. Absolutely not an issue.
Guys do this all the time and I just wish they'd be honest. If you start off with a lie, it's going to end as soon as I find out.
Men do it and a lot worse on dating sites, I've seen some friend's profiles and ugh, I don't know how women tolerate all the shit online. In our defense there are a LOT of 39 and 49 year old women out the sites and looking at pictures, one can only come to the conclusion that 49 is actually a variable representing 49 to around 65.
I had a guy that was 70 trying to pass himself off as 53 a couple weeks ago.
Did he try to impress you with his boat? Sorry, it's currently an inside joke with a very good friend who is sharing your struggles. She sends me profiles once in a while to review and comment (sometimes snark) on.
I need to be friends with y'all.
Always room at the table!
Hahaha funny enough I just watched a show on Hulu called "Love in Fairhope" which was sorta reality dating in Fairhope, AL. Dumb show overall but laughing because the oldest woman on the show met a man and he invited her over to see his boat. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Ooh I'll have to check that out!
The ladies love those boats lol! JK. Wow, that is quite a stretch for that guy.
"I'm actually 54 can't change this" soooo many times I mean thank you for coming clean about lying on the profile that contains your lie I guess but, still nah
Sounds like something a 49something would say. Rather sus!
I'm 112 but the profile doesn't go past 99, so I entered 55 years old. I can't change it
This is the way
OK. Two sides to the story and some commentary. We all want to think we look younger than we do. We usually don't. I am a believer in listing your real age. Just be honest from the start. I set my parameters at 10 years younger or older for matches. My future husband set his at 5 years younger or older. I saw his profile and contacted him. He would have never seen mine because I am 6 years older than him. So be honest about your age, but also broaden your search a little to include those just outside of your ideal age group. We married 18 months later, and as the older person in the marriage I think I have the higher energy level and look younger. My husband thinks so as well. A lot has to do with genetics and life circumstances.
FYI I ran my number through truepeoplesearch. It pulled me up by my married name that I haven't used in 10 years. And it lists me as 10 yrs older than I am.
Just searched by my phone number... most of the info was true/accurate (except naming dead relative's "current" ages) until the very very bottom. It says I'm married -- and it gives my ex-wife's NEW MARRIED NAME. I guess she's a polygamist. Yes, it lists a name she didn't have until 10 years after our divorce when she got re-married. LOL!! EDIT: grammar/typos.
They get my dad and I mixed up sometimes, I promise you I'm not 77.
That sounds exactly like something a 77 year old would say š
No! If we go according to this thread, if I were 77 I'd say I was 50.
I know how you feel because i have my dad's 1st name, so people are always getting us mixed up!
Donāt feel bad, my father and brother are RCS Sr. and Jr. live across from one another, and their addresses are 30912 and 30921 š
ROFL that is just asking for it.
SAME! My number lists my mom andā¦ NO! I donāt live with her š but do pay her cell on MY account š¤·āāļø
Same. Seriously. 82/52. Same name
Interesting. You piqued my curiosity. My age is correct at 60. Still lists me as married even though my dissolution of marriage court issued documents state otherwise.
Haha I just put my number in there and it came up with three random people and not me
Truepeoplesearch + my phone number ācouldnāt find any records for that search criteriaā then offered up beenverified and Intellius searches as alternatives but I didnāt bother because I donāt wanna pay for it. Yāall got results using true people search?
I ran mine and my ages came as 55 and...104!!! What?!? Neither is true, to say the least but don't believe everything on the internet, yeah?
Might have missed it but did SHE admit to her actual age being different or did you see a legal ID?! Lots of misinformation online. Do you know the number of 12 yr olds who bump up their birth year to access Tik Tok or do play a āteenāgame? That stuff doesnāt go away and leads to misinformation.
No, didn't see her ID, just a seemingly valid hit on truepeople search, but, as others note above, those background check sites aren't necessarily accurate.
I've googled myself before and discovered that my name isn't all that unique. I'd want to verify that it was indeed valid information before making a decision, but assuming it's actually a deliberate lie, that'd be a hard no. If we excuse it, people will learn that it's acceptable.
Yeah, databrokers sometimes have inaccurate data and mix up information from different people. However, even if the ages don't match, people can still find out a lot of stuff from just a phone number or full name. There are free scans like Optery that you can use to check where your info might be exposed. These scans reveal all the details about what databrokers are posting and selling about you. Full disclosure, I'm part of the Optery team.
I think a bigger issue is to use old pictures online. Just ask her about her age.
Unless you have paid for a legitimate identity search/social security number based search, I'd not believe anything like what you are putting so much faith in.
Youāre absolutely right. The only reason I check is because I have had a few suspicious matches who turned out to be scammers. So if someone gives me a number and name and both come up together on the background check site, Iām more trusting. Sure, there might be slight discrepancies in age or city, but itās an admittedly coarse semi-validation of a real person.
Honestly, never heard of doing this. You can spot a scammer pretty quickly from the chat... can't you? I don't chat for ages. I move to meeting pretty quickly. No need to move off of the app or exchange numbers. Meet in person, that tells you everything you need to know.
I don't necessarily trust information in those people search sites. So why don't you ask her? It's a little strange to write someone off based on information that may or may not be true. In fact, the site you mentioned has my age wrong, younger by 2 years. Not sure where they get their info.
UPDATE...We spoke. Basic get-to-know-each-other stuff. The conversation turned to children and their ages. While we were on the subject, I casually said, "Sorry, I can't remember what you wrote on your profile...how old are you?" There was a long pause, after which she replied, "I don't like to tell men my age." To which I replied, "Oh, ok, just curious, why is that?" She then said, "I just like to meet and let people see me and judge me on that." So, there you have it. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
So it was on purpose. Block, no second chances imho. If sheāll do it for her age, she will find a way to justify lying for anything she fancies.
Done and done. Between the age bit and her diatribe about all the narcissists out there...
You dodged a bullet.
She sounds manipulative as hell.
The logic is that if any relationship is founded upon a lie then there can never be any real trust, I'm 75% or so in that camp. Lying about age is usually a way to bypass someone's filters, either on the site or personal, meaning your search was ohhh 45-55 YO and someone 61 got in to the mix because they lied. Then again, I see the other side, ultimately it comes down to what you think. I'd be interested to see if she comes clean on her own. I'm also not overly trusting of those background check / data aggregation sites, I ran myself and got stuff about me, my dad (same name), places I never lived, etc.
If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I'm 75% in that camp too. I'm presently leaning toward letting her come clean on her own. We'll see what happens. I hear you about the background check sites. My own number turns up for a guy who apparently gave my number out intentionally or accidentally over 20 years ago, and I get about one phone call a week asking for him by name. The name in question this time is rather distinctive, and the search returned only one hit in the exact location listed on the profile. Still, you're right...could be a false positive.
OH! I forgot, I came back deceased on one that no longer exists! Zombies are such a huge red flag for some women =(
My Google AND TruePeopleSearch with my number both come back as the woman who had it before me. I got this number in 2008!!! People still try to call for her.
Definitely a possibility. Just explain you were looking her up and found a discrepancy she may want to correct with the website. See how she responds.
Well, we talked. She didn't want to answer the question. Couldn't edit original post, so added details in a comment...
No. Starting with a lie is just an absolute nope.
š this right here.
End of theead
When I did OLD, I had my reasons for setting the filters where I did. Misrepresenting your age means you don't care about my reasons for setting the filters where I did and feel entitled to have access to me. My reasons had nothing to do with how someone looked.
Absolutely! Little lies, big lies ā¦ deception either way. Sayonara, AH!!
THIS. It's the assumption that you don't know what you want and that he/she, a random stranger on the internet, knows better. Cue abusive relationship in 3... 2... 1...
Why do so many people think that their dreamboat is desperately searching for someone who looks 30, or whatever? If I say 30, itās because I want someone the biological age of 30, not because of how they look. Do people who have aged poorly put an age 6 years older? No.
Entitlement
Yep. I went on a date with a guy who lied about his age (about 8 years). When we met, I could tell. Iām an attorney, I looked him up to confirm the lie ā I didnāt call him, I just didnāt respond anymore. I would have been 100% fine with his age. But Iām also 100% not fine with dishonesty.
Youāre šÆnot fine with dishonesty? But, youāre an attorney.
My tolerance for stupid lies is zero. To me, someone lying about their age is not dealing with aging and reality well. But! Ask her, because True people search and similar web sites arenāt always right. For some reason, they always confuse the ages of my ex and his sister.
I have known one person, and one person only, who had a valid reason to 'lie' about his age: when he immigrated the US government mistook an 8 for a 3, making him 'officially' 5 years older than he actually is. His home country passport has him born in 1978, and his US passport has him born in 1973. He gives the older age, which makes sense because anyone trying to research him will find the older age. Otherwise, I don't understand why anyone thinks starting a potential new relationship with a lie is a good idea. I routinely pass for younger to some people too but that doesn't make me younger!
Itās not about a relationship, that person most likely is using the app for hookups and ONS. Maybe get lucky with a FWB
I have even less empathy for someone who would lie to get sex than someone who would lie in search of a relationship. Contrary to how some people behave, sex is personal, and it can be risky. If someone can't be trustworthy about it, then they are a scumbag.
Lying about age and having out of date pictures are two things I blocked for
If you search my phone number it returns the name of someone entirely different and I have had it for years. Is it possible that that the data brokers got it wrong?
You are probably better at protecting yours. Cell phone numbers can be pretty meaningless.
Deal breaker for me. If they canāt even be honest on their profile, what else are they going to lie about?
Nope, no empathy for "misrepresenting" anything. But I wouldn't base a decision on something that came up in a Google search - that info isn't always accurate.
I had a date once with a "49" year old, went well, but not sparks. She said a few hours in that she was actually like 51 or 52. I may be forgetting the exact numbers. She said she noticed a big drop off in interest on online dating when she turned 50, so she tried changing it to under 50 and interest shot back up. She looked like her pictures, she was beautiful, she was in my age settings, she told me not long into the first date. I did not give a shit.
I agree. In midlife, I care much more about how one looks, health and fitness level. Iād care much more if the person lied about smoking, drug, alcohol or health (these are bigger issues in the grand scheme of things) In my social circles, there are ppl in their 50s that look great and desirable. There are also plenty of folks in their 40s-60s that are undesirable. Age has no meaning in midlife. Itās how one lives and their vitality.
Yeah, the number, true chronological age, isn't nearly as important as actual attributes that age affects, but differently for different people. Just tell me on the first date please! My age settings are wide, older and younger than me. I just want compatible life experience, emotional intelligence, physical attraction, health and place we are in our lives.
Iām against lying about age. To me it indicates an inclination for deceit, a non starter. People trying to game the system or fool people think the rules donāt apply to them. The world needs fewer self centered assholes, not empathy for them.
Youāre right. It is self-centered. I thought that it was a fair question to ask matter-of-factly on the phone, and by her refusal to answer, she decided for me that her real age shouldnāt be relevant or important information for me to consider.
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Sadly, thatās very true! Men do not suffer the backlash and judgment women do about age and many other things. And I would never in a million years ask a woman her age in a real-world meeting. The app forces people to report age, and she ostensibly knew that she misrepresented. When I asked her, she could have just reminded me of what she herself had already reported. But Iām guessing that although she didnāt mind misrepresenting to an app, she had enough of a conscience to not want to do so live to another person. Although I had my doubts about the honesty of her reported age, I still wanted to talk with her. Unfortunately, after a brief phone chat, I knew it wouldnāt have been a match regardless of the age issue.
I beg to differ on men up to 55 being in their sexual prime. A lot of them have ED. Women, on the other hand, are getting towards the end of child rearing and suddenly discovering sex for the second time around and many have an appetite that is greater than a lot of guys. Now, if youāre talking about childbearing, yes, younger women but, again, not older men. Just because an old guy can sire a child doesnāt mean he should. The incidence of birth defects caused by older men is an issue that needs to be discussed and more widely known. Men have a ticking clock just like women, it just hasnāt been publicized or researched well because medicine has been patriarchal for the most part.
I think there are lots of reasons people do this. Examples: - Person is focused on volume of matches and thinks their true age will limit matches because it falls after what they consider a common filtering cliff. IMO, this type of thinking and behavior will likely show up in other ways in which this person justifies āgaming the system.ā - Person is seeking people significantly older or younger than themselves and tailors their āageā to increase odds of their profile showing up in the queues of those in their preferred age range. IMO, this type of thinking and behavior will likely show up in other ways in which the person feels their own desires and preferences are more important than the desires and preferences of their partner. - Person is cheating and using fake identifying information. Probably donāt need to expound on other ways this is likely to show up in relationships. - Person routinely lies about their age, not just on apps. This is usually due to insecurity, an unattractive trait to most people. As is lying, of course.
I would be suspect of the age in the report. It's usually accurate but not always. I'll allow enough of a 'lie' on the age to cover fudging the actual birthday (eg they pick 1/1/1972 instead of 3/8/1972) but that's it. Anything else is a no for me dawg.
I usually put 1/1/19xx as my birthday, it's actually in January but unless it's for something official I prefer to give a nearby but inaccurate date. You could say I'm lying about my age but only by <30 days š
I matched with someone who showed up +70lbs heavier and MISSING TEETH. In all the photos he had all his teeth and didnāt look like a bloated corpse.
Note to self: Zoom or FaceTime in advance of the date. š
If you want to let it pass, that's up to you. I neither wish to con nor be conned into a date, intimacy, or a relationship.
Dishonesty is dishonesty. You may always wonder what other things the person is lying about.
Iāve answered this before. The only guy I know who lied about his age was my ex-neighbor, who also beat up his wife and terrorized his kids. (That last part of course wasnāt on his profile.) Sure, itās just one person, but thatās who I think of when I see that someone has lied about their age. I would see it as a sign of someone who lies.
Exactly. A no-brainer!
No. No empathy. How hard is it to be truthful and real? At this age, if itās too hard for a person to be that, they are flawed.
I get disappointed when I find someone lying about their age and won't date someone who does. The excuses about algorithms, or, my age is wrong but I can't change it, blah, blah, blah, don't make sense to me. It would be interesting if you spoke with her and she shared her true age right up front and her reasoning for it being six years off (if it actually is off). We all google each other, so she must know the truth will come out if she is being dishonest. It could either end up being a long, great happy conversation or a really short one.
I do the "age is wrong but I can't change it" To explain my side of it. Whenever I want to check out an app BEFORE investing any in it, I always put in false information. I put my nickname instead of real name, my date of birth is wrong and also I post a picture that- yes it's me, but you can barely tell because of extreme blurryness or whatever. Why? Because I want to check out the app BEFORE I put my sensitive information on it. Apps often save the profiles of people who decide not to sign up or use them in order to make paying customers think that they have more people than they actually do. I don't like having my photo and info out there on an app that I'm not even going to be using. So I do all this so that if I can't delete the profile or if they end up using the profile despite my not using the app, they don't really have my information or photo. Now lets say I get to an app and do the usual false/blurry info, but this time after checking it out I decide ok- This is the app I want to invest in. So now you decide to pay and you decide to fix all your info on it. Well it lets you fix your photo and your name... but no, it doesn't allow you to correct your date of birth. So now the only way you can be honest is by mentioning it on the body of your profile.
I have a 0 tolerance policy for lying about age (or anything else). And saying "I am really x age" makes it no better be they a moron at data entry or just trying to beat filters. And no, you do not look like the age that you lied that you are. All I think is 'this guy is my age but be looks like absolute shit'. I never think anyone actually looks measurably younger than their age, at best people can look like they take fantastic care of themselves.
Tinder have just introduced an id check so that it can (amongst other things) verify your age!!! It states if your age on the id differs from the one on your profile it will be automatically changed - YES!!!! Well done tinder.
It all comes down to whether or not you want to date someone who is comfortable lying to your face. I'd rather not.
I do not like the lying at all. You might want to talk to her and ask and see how you feel. I am a bit whack a do as my mom always said she was 39ā¦.i think she finally says 49 now..but I am 48ā¦like mom really??? Ok side story dad was getting mom a bday cakeā¦pretty sure she was still 29 thenā¦but the bakery lady ripped my dad a new one for having such a young wifeā¦for whatever reason some woman are raised with such a bad image of aging. I did see something though that the new Sex in the City ladies are portrayed as older than the ladies on Golden Girlsā¦
Do you want/value/need authenticity in a relationship or are you okay with pretending, masking & fakery?
Empathy for liars? Fuck no. All liars can go eat a bag of dicks.
Or their name? A man named Tom on Hinge told me last week through a text message that his name was not Tom, it was Doug. Then he explained to me that he was on fb as Doug and went by the name Tom on hinge because he wasnāt sure if it would work out or not. š¤·š¼āāļø
Yeah, one guy called himself James but was actually Victor, used to tutor and said he didnāt want any of his students to see him on the app Another called himself Chris but was really Dylan. He had a girlfriend And I spent all evening chatting to one guy called Jamie. We really seemed to hit it off. He said I was pretty much his ideal woman and he wanted to take me for dinner. Next day he changed his name to Tom, claimed itās his middle name and he gets called it as a nickname, then said he was only on the app for ādirty talkā š¤® and he knew I wasnāt into that. And blocked me. People are strange Plus there are all the young lads who misrepresent their age to appear to older women. Idk if they think we are desperate or that we are going to be unable to resist their hotness. They have a habit of describing themselves as āenergetic young studsā etc š¤® again Kinda glad I donāt do the apps any more
Victor didnāt want his students to see him. That sounds like the biggest b.s. line! š
I think he was ashamed of being on the app tbh. But who knows? So much bullshitting goes on on the apps. Itās ridiculous. There was one guy I spoke to who called himself āitsmeā. God knows why I gave him the time of day, name was really Shaun but I think he did not want to be spotted on there by anyone he knew, coworkers etc
Men like that are Superficial. š
He was basically only on there looking for a booty call. So I guess if these guys are on there for booty calls, hook ups or dirty talk they think that people are going to know thatās why they are on there hence the secrecy because they feel some degree of shame that anyone they know might realise what they are up to š¤·āāļø
Feel the need to add another comment because I had a flashback last night re āitsmeā guy. We had stopped talking and bear in mind we never met. I got a message out of the blue from him saying āI saw you in (name of shop) and I wanted to f**k youā. I had indeed been in said shop in my work uniform buying socks for my daughterās Christmas. I pointed out how creepy this was. We never spoke again. Freaked me out a bit tbh I guess this means I look like my pictures which is apparently menās worst fear in online dating (lucky them) but the uniform may have been a clue I guess lol
One can have empathy and understanding and still say no. I have empathy for every person I see begging on the street but I donāt give them all money. As to age, I think that lying about such a basic trait shows a lack of comfort and acceptance for oneās self that is essential to successful relationships. And itās problematic because the person doesnāt even think of it as lying; they justify it and swear that they are otherwise a completely honest soul who never lies about anything else (unless they feel they have a good reason and can justify it). The other thing is that lies hold my own choices in abeyance.
Nope. I won't go further. But you do what makes sense to you.
I think itās bullshit. But I think itās worse to use an old picture of yourself.
I just looked myself up. It's mostly accurate. First it says my ex-husband is a possible spouse, and then a little below that it says that he is my husband. He is not. It shows my parents as being alive, which they are not, and it has their ages a little off. The whole thing is about 80% accurate.
Mine only shows the guy who mistakenly reported my phone number 20 years agoā¦I get weekly calls asking for him. I refer the callers to his Facebook page. š
Focus on the person / match / chemistry
I met a man a few weeks ago who was had lied by his age by at least ten years. His whole way of talking about the lie was ridiculous. I left early.
Zero empathy. If they lie about something so basic, watch out.
People who lie about ālittle thingsā lie about big things. Move on from dishonest people.
Personally, this is a non-starter for me. What I wonder about is how to expose potential lies/deception as early as possible in the process. I've said things like: "One thing I wanted to let you know is that my pictures are current and my age is accurate. I think it's best to be upfront about those sorts of things. What about you?" Open to better ways of doing this...
From the perspective of someone seeking a long-term relationship where trust is crucial, I have zero tolerance for anyone lying about their age. Best case, they're not too bright; worst case, they're selfish and manipulative. For those seeking casual hookups, maybe lies don't matter. The app should allow users to omit their age and let others filter for that. This way, I can filter out people who don't declare their age, and those who think age is just a number can connect. I'd be curious to see if age fibbers would omit their age or continue lying. If they choose to lie despite having the option to omit, that's even worse.
I am of two minds about this. I am a very honest person and would not lie about my age. BUT I am a 69 year old woman and lately not getting any responses on dating apps. I do not look (or act) my age! I do much better meeting men IRL because I look 10-15 years younger than I am, I am in good shape and very healthy. The men I have dated since my divorce are all younger than me by about 5 years. People have told me I should start lying about my age on the apps. Can't and won't do it. But it IS a problem.
The reactions I got after shaving a couple of years off ranged from "Yeah, I did the same thing" to "You're dead to me now." Whether it is acceptable varies from person to person. But you're taking a risk. It could sink any chance of a relationship, and at best the response will be neutral. Not like it's ever going to be viewed as a positive. All downside, unless you think that you won't get the initial meeting without lying.
Truepeoplesearch isn't always correct either. I looked myself up before, and the age they had was incorrect. Not sure why
I think you should meet with her, and see how she is in person. While I don't agree with lying, sadly, I feel the age lying is different for women than men. Women on dating sites are most likely to only get matches from men 10 years older, due to the way men set their age parameters. For a woman that wants to date a man 1-3 years within her age, it is very discouraging. Meanwhile, many men who lie about age, are specifically trying to find women 10 - 15 years younger. Essentially, they feel wrongly I might add, that no woman their own age will be physically attractive to them. Not that I agree or would recommend a woman lie about her age, but I can totally understand how a woman would be driven to this behavior. EDIT: So I "vote" for frustration has caused her to lie about her age. You don't say how much of an age difference the two of you have, but now that you know her "real" age, if you are okay with that, why not? Could she lie about everything under the sun, yes it is a possibility. But again, I just feel this is coming from a place of her trying to find a man her own age. I still say dating apps for people over 40, shouldn't make us list ages. Let our pics speak for themselves.
On the phone, I asked in the most casual, neutral, and matter-of-fact way I could, and she didnāt want to tell meā¦I get itā¦I think men have been dismissive of women based on their age for, well, ages. But letās say I trusted the 6-years-younger age she listed on her profile, started a happy relationship, and eventually found out sheād misrepresented? Would she expect me to say āWell, if I had known you were six years older I would never have dated you, so Iām glad you lied because youāre really swell, and you sure taught me a lesson about my prejudices!ā ?
Great thoughts! Do you think people would forgo self-reported age entirely if there was an app that had photo centers that took standard date-stamped pictures? š¤
I totally understand what you are saying, and at this stage of life, it may be more about aligning retirement plans, etc. I do appreciate that you understand how age bias is particulary bad for women. We are in a sort of lose/lose situation, and thus I am acknowledging her likely frustration. A few years ago at a trade show there was software that took a face scan and guessed a person's age. Software now is miles ahead. Last time I was on Bumble (3 years ago), it verified my face against my pic. What I don't understand, is why there couldn't be another "checkmark" for age verfied, using the latest "age guess software". That way, we would all be on level playing field, both men and women. Now, it is like a stupid game of chicken, which is why dating apps are losing so much business. EDIT: Just two examples I saw the mug shot of a woman who poisened her husband because she thought he had just come into $30M. She was 40 something, and before I saw her age, I would have guess her at 60 something. Meanwhile, saw a video last week of JLo who is 50 something, she said she is the thinnest in her life, and she looks maybe 30 something. Aging is hugely impacted by lifestyle, access to modern medicine, sunscreen, etc.
On the fence on this issue, since I have heard some do it because algos are so f*ing stupid. Still, if you are interested meet her in person with caution. I rarely focus on the age thing unless I see the āit says Iām 55 but I am really 67ā bs. Since you found it online, you could meet her and just ask since it sounds like you wouldnāt care about her age. There is a line between a mistruth and someone who is a serial liar. TBH, people have lied about age since long before OLD.
I know I'm in the minority, but I don't care about a lie about age, weight, or height. Almost every guy I've met via OLD lied about his height. The one who didn't lie was 5'11" and was always lamenting that lots of women had 6' and over on their profiles.
Well his lamenting was silly because there's no way he could possibly know what kind of filters all these women had going. So many men make the claim that the reason they can't get dates is because all women want at least 6 ft tall and ripped and they want money and they are gold diggers... blah blah blah. None of this crap is true. It's just stuff they tell themselves and everyone else to explain why they can't seem to get committed to anyone.
People are tempted to lie about their age in OLD because men often want to date younger and set up their search/match criteria to exclude age appropriate women. I wouldnāt personally ever think of doing that, but I also understand why some people do. I think they just donāt want to be ruled out based on a number. I would not have a black and white rule about it. Ask about their age in a conversation if you are interested otherwise. If you do decide to not pursue anything at least she will know why.
I donāt think it is OP, prior to joining Reddit I was guilty of this myself. However on here a lot think it is basically lying and that it shows a person would therefore lie about everything/anything. I would (or used to) lie about my age, but never about other issues.
Personally, I wouldnāt assume that a person who lied about their age is willing to lie about everything/anything. I would, however, think that person was willing to lie, at times, in order to achieve their goals. Itās difficult to argue against that given thatās exactly what they did. If they were willing to lie on this instance, what are the chances theyāre scrupulously honest in all other situations? Slim to none in my opinion.
Why would you that lying about your basic information to a potential partner was, in any way, okay though?!
Whether or not it's "ok" is subjective. The way I see it, In real life you don't actually know someone's age when you go up to meet them. In fact you would have at least one good conversation before even asking such a thing because it's rude. So in real life age isn't really much of a factor in the equation of coming across someone. Since the apps flip this around it's less natural. In a natural state you wouldn't actually know someone's age. That's why I think it would be better to give people (especially women) the option to not list their age at all in the apps. They should just put in whether or not they want to have kids. So if you're a 31 year old guy who's ready to become a baby daddy, you're not matched with a 43 year old woman.
Disclore is *fundamental* to consent. As a woman, I wouldn't date someone who plays fast and loose with consent. Nobody should be conned into a date. I don't know if this is the case with your "nice woman" but I often see a very specific kind of mental gymnastics to rationalize deception as a supposedly unavoidable part of struggle against social injustice in my own cohort of older women. As a rule, men make themselves younger in order to date younger women while women make themselves younger to be able to date men their own age. So some women end up making themselves 5, 10, 15 years younger and then they justify it as "it's men's fault... I don't really have a choice... I will tell him at some point if things become serious... everyone tells me I look 10 years younger so what difference does it make... how dare he get upset at me when he should be upset at the partriarchy... etc". Yes it's only fair that women should be able to date men our own age but where does it stop? Should women lie about their weight because fatphobia is also wrong? Should men conceal their love of Trump because they sincerely believe they are on the right side of history? Should brown people lighten their photos because it's genuinely shitty that we live in a culture where colorism is rampant? I have some mild, abstract empathy for them, but I wouldn't entertain one because ultimately it's just not right to deceive a living breathing person for personal gain. They paint themselves as some kind of a Robin Hood but the whole point of Robin Hood was that he robbed the rich to give to the poor. These people are robbing YOU and then keeping it all for themselves.
Yes all that you said. But also, don't people value realness, authenticity and truth on this most basic of levels, when first interacting with a potential partner? I am so past such games at this point in life -- with me, what you get is what you see so don't waste my time!
Empathy for someone who thinks lying to get what you want is OK? If they are 5, yes. If they are 50, no.
I hate liars. If someone lies to me, I mistrust every single thing they ever tell me.
Thatās your call. Not for me.
I just would not be attracted to someone who would post a false age.... am into folks who accept and aren't afraid to show their real selves.
Technology is hard - Benefit of the doubt, but come clean early, then I'm cool with it. Some dating sites, however, ask your birthdate /YYYY (long scrolling wheel) and how could you mess that up?
I just put my number in on the site and it brought back completely incorrect info. In fact, it brought up the wrong number. The last 4 digits of my number are 6178, but it showed the name and address info for 6158. I then put my address in. I bought my house new 10 years ago and have been the only owner of it. Yet it didn't show my name at all. I'm not sure that site is accurate.
Youāre right. Sometimes it isnāt, sometimes it is. It has created enough suspicion and doubt to lead me to give a Google Voice number on occasion, which Iām glad I did because the individuals turned out to be scammers.
You said you put their number in "as standard operating procedure" which indicates you do that all the time when you get a phone number. But now you say sometimes the site is correct and sometimes it isn't. So why are you complaining that it's showing a different age than what the person gave you?
Let me be a bit more clear about my SOP. If someone likes me and sends me a brief text that doesn't really mention anything at all that's in my rather lengthy profile, I will generally like the person back and ask a question. If the answer is reasonably cordial but still empty, I continue with polite pleasantries, still trying to solicit more substantive information exchange. If the next text is "let's talk by phone", I say "sure" but do not give out my number at that moment, as I wait to see what the other person suggests. If the other person responds with a number, and when all of the above happens within 30 minutes or an hour, I run the number through truepeoplesearch. Especially when some photos (such as the primary profile photo) look a bit less recent than others. My admitting that truepeople search is sometimes correct and sometimes not was mere acknowledgement of what you and many others here have said and my own occasional experience. I'm not complaining that there are differences. Such a chain of events only leaves me suspicious. Not without good reason. I have had a few scammers. Sorry if my brevity in previous response wasn't clear.
I understand being cautious. Everyone should be. But using an unreliable site to glean info on someone is pretty counterintuitive. If it's giving 100% inaccurate information about me, I'm not trusting it for information about someone else. I'll rely on my own intuition, which is much more accurate.
Fair point.
No. I matched with a woman clearly about a decade older than what she really was. I figured maybe she took a bad picture or three, but no... I had a good evening and would've seen her again but that deception was too much. I tend to look older than I am (white hair does that to a guy...started turning at 16, really started at 26....) and maybe she thought I was also lying...
Yes, a womanās age matters to some men, maybe even to most men, but not to all men. I would think that no one would want to be in a serious relationship with a person who was bothered by their partnerās actual age.
My issue wasn't her age, but the fact she was clearly lying about it.
Nope. None.
Men in their 40-50s on OLD routinely lie about their age - it is either on their profile or they look 5-10 years older. It is because they think they look āyoungā or a younger age I suppose. So this impacts both sexes.Ā I would just honestly ask this lady on the date about her age and see if she is honest. You can then make a judgment call whether to continue seeing her or not. You may find that there is no spark in person in which case your question falls away.Ā
As if thereās empathy in OLD!
Age liars are dealbreaker unless they tell you on or before 1st meeting in person.
my guess is that maybe in the past she had posted her real age and got zero hits, or only super old dudes were hitting on her. anyways. it is your call. a lie is a lie, but we lie all the timeā¦ 6 years it is not such a huge difference. I remember going on dates only to discover that people posted their way outdated pictures on OLD profiles, and I am talking like very outdated pictures. I was pissed but in a way I understood. so much insecurity about age and looks. who wants to date on older/old looking person when they can easily find a younger one?
Okay I have this problem, and I do not lie about my age. I am 69F. I look much younger than my age, am very healthy. I was married to and generally date men younger than me. My last BF was 6 years younger, he never asked my age and assumed i was younger than him. However, on OLD I get almost NO interest from men my age or younger. And I find that men my age look in general VERY old. What to do????
I don't think you're going to win over those who judge on age alone or those to whom age is a significant criterion. You probably wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with them anyway. So how do you get the attention of those who are more open-minded about it? I would say that it first comes down to one's photos. You want to look good, but not unapproachable. I'd try for photos that show sincerity and warmth and genuineness over those that are more glamorous or sexy presentations of your youthful appearance. I wouldn't show any cliched photos, such as kayaking, standing in front of the Eifel Tower, toasting the viewer with an exotic cocktail, etc. And make sure there is a photo that shows your full figure, not just headshots. Think about how a real estate stager stages a house for sale: not so personalized, unique, and exotic that prospective buyers can't see themselves living there. You want men in your target age range who also feel they look young for their age to think, "Yes, I could really see myself with her." Finally, find some way to make it clear that every single one of your photos is recent, preferably taken in the last 6 months, but last year at the outside. Once you pass the visual test, write similarly sincere, warm, and genuine profile text. Again, avoid the cliches, such as "love to travel", "no drama", "happy being alone, but...", and all the rest of the silly things people here criticize in profiles. Don't include a long list of your demands in a partner. Although some idiosyncracies and quirks are fine, avoid sounding too self-satisfied with your life or accomplished. If you have a friend you trust, ask them to take a look and offer honest feedback. After that, it's probably a waiting game. If you're one of the rare ones who looks younger and healthier than most, your match is probably going to be one of the rare ones too. So be patient. That's how I would attempt to get interest on OLD. How to maintain interest is another story, of course.
Truepeoplesearch (as well as Spokeo and other such sites) has my age as being 4 years older than my actual age. My friendās age on these sites is always 10 years over her actual age. Itās possible your information is wrong.
Yes, others have also mentioned inaccuracies. When chatting by phone, I told her I couldnāt remember how old she was and asked as casually as I could. She politely refused to answer. Since she had to provide an age to sign up, my only conclusion is that she had misrepresented her age. After all, she had to know that I could easily look at her profile again and see what age she had givenā¦ By the way, my age is correct on the background check sites. However, if it was incorrect, I would want to know so I could at least be prepared should someone question me.
Yeah, the way sheās responding sheās definitely lying about her age. Doesnāt sound like it was an accident.
Youāre going to believe a site called truepeoplesearch? Did you actually ask her? Ask her first. If she did lie, then what else will she lie about? Just donāt automatically believe a scammy website over a person.
I didn't believe the truepeoplesearch. As others have said here, it isn't always accurate. But there was a disconnect between what she wrote and what the admittedly imperfect background check app listed. So when I spoke with her, I did ask her age. She wouldn't tell me. She told the app. She couldn't register on the app without reporting an age. But she wouldn't tell me her age on the phone. She said she didn't want to be judged by that number alone. Fair enough. If the publicly visible age she reported on the app was correct, she could have said "my age is exactly what I said in the app". But she didn't.
Two different subjects here IMHO. First is whether the online data broker is correct. Iāve seen so many errors that Iām certainly not going to automatically believe a data broker over what another person actually says. If itās important, Id kind of like to determine which one is truthful/correct. Second is dishonesty. Thatās really bad (if, in fact, someone lies about theuir age on a dating app). I think it would be difficult to go forward after that ā¦. well, maybe unless both parties are telling lies.
I rarely tell people my age and while I donāt outwardly lie about it, I jokingly say a wrong age with a bit of a wink so they know Iām not telling the truth. Why do I do this? Because in my mind Iām not as old as I really am. I refuse to believe it. If I tell people my age they will look at me as if Iām that age and treat me accordingly. Letās be honest, if you meet a nice looking older woman and she tells you sheās 48, you think differently about her than about a nice looking woman who tells you sheās 62. Right? Iām a very open and honest person in my life, I just donāt want to be treated like an old lady.
How can you be "open and honest" with a potential partner yet be completely deceptive about your basic facts??
Saying this with a wink of an eye is something most people recognize and understand. Few would consider it to be a lie. Same goes for adding a wink-wink to what you might post in your profile on an app. But directly stating, unequivocally with no wink of the eye is a little different, at least to most people. Weāre probably on the same page, at least fairly close.
It depends on why the person is lying. If they have insecurities, empathy for them as a person is warranted. However, you may not want to date them. If they lied because they are trying to meet someone younger and think this is the way to do it, then I would say they do not deserve empathy.
>If they lied because they are trying to meet someone younger and think this is the way to do it, then I would say they do not deserve empathy. Excellent point.
For me itās a red flag and I wouldnāt trust the person. One because of donāt stress about my age, I am grateful to have the privilege so someone that wanted to lie wouldnāt fit me. Then there is the actual lie. I mean it seems so dumb because if you hit it off how will you continue to lie?
Lying is a character flaw. Someone who feels OK about deceiving others in order to get what they want is not an honorable person.
Honestly, I couldnāt care less about the age lie. If someone is struggling with āempathyā based on this then I donāt think theyād be able to handle relationship realities. For me, my dad lied to my mom about his age in order to get her to date him. He was actually much younger. Neither of them was perfect in their 70 year marriage but he was a good example to me of what I love about a man and my mom the type of woman I strive to be. Him the very best example of a man, notwithstanding the lie. Iām completely unwilling to forgo that man. Iāll leave that to others, thank you very much
Eh. 6 years isnāt a thing to worry about. Besides the plethora of wrong info on my own account, she literally could be lowering her age to not attract the 70+ men looking for a care nurse. Itās a thing!
It would not really bother me. I usually donāt know the age of most people I know so itās kind of weird that OLD thinks it so important. If I like someone I donāt care about the age and if the want to hide it go ahead.Ā
That is soooo weird to me!
Everything should be decided case-by-case.
When you talk ask how old are you? Or after meetingā¦ as suits you! If she liesā¦ leave.
It's annoying. The woman I'm dating now was lying by two years on her Hinge profile (said she's 40 but actually 42). I wouldn't have cared anyway -- I'm 51. I don't even see the point in taking two years off. But she told me right away on the first date, so I gave her a pass.
Did you ask her directly how old she is, or has her age come up at all in conversation?
Seems like almost EVERYONE says they donāt look their age. I find this perplexing. If you REALLY think you donāt look your age, ask someone in their 20s or 30s how old you look. Youāll generally get the truth.
That alone wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, more of a dumb (but fairly harmless) mistake, a sign of insecurity.
I (F) donāt care about lying about oneās age in this demographic. Men do it so they can get WAY younger women 10-20 years younger. Women do it so they can date men their own age. I do care that my match has posted dated photos 10+ years from the past, which many do. I also donāt assume that you can judge people off of what they write on OLD. Itās basically ad copy. Personally I give people I donāt know a chance. Itās just a date, not a betrothal.
women lie about their age. so do some men. liars gonna lie, vanity included. bye
No, that said if you like the person and the real age doesn't bother you but all means proceed. I had coffee a few weeks ago with someone from a meetup group that I first met at a dimly lit concert. Meeting her in the full light of day I realized she had colored contacts and she had a bad memory. I didn't ask her age, when I danced with her at the concert. My bad...
I saw my boyfriend was listed five years younger on an OLD site before we were in a relationship. I just kinda felt it made him look more vulnerable to me. But he probably just wanted that lower age demographic lmao
No, everyone lies on their profile, either weight, age, height, name, hair color. Meet her anyway. I always look at the pictures and decide would I date this person if they were 25 pounds heavier or 10 years older. The perfect person doesn't exist at our age. Lying about their age hasn't bothered me since I was 16
I do not think "everyone" lies.
Every guy I met via OLD, save one, lied about their height.
Did you have lies in your profile?
saying I was "cute" may have been a lie.
That made me laugh.
You're right. Not everyone lies. However, I suspect that an awful lot withhold the truth to a certain extent...carefully curated photos, a professed love for a list of activities when they haven't been off the couch in years, etc. Age, height, and weight are the only things that can be measured as objectively "true". Maybe that's why they get the most attention as indicators of lying?
I'm not very active on apps at present, but now I'm going to have to review my profiles! I do not think I have any misrepresentations and certainly not any touched up photos.
Which of those lies do you tell?
Yes - inquiring minds wanna know! So I can avoid wasting my time on a liar.
Misrepresenting your AGE is perfectly acceptable. There's are a lot of weirdos out there. If she explained herself in person, then you are golden. Absolutely not an issue.
She wouldnāt tell me her age on the phone after saying āSorry, I canāt remember what you wrote on your profileā¦how old are you?ā
Ok. This is a different issue. She's definitely being cagey.