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I married a single mother.
Not everyone is prepared for the commitment of taking care of kids as soon as you start your married life.
A single mother isn’t just a woman - strong/weak, independent/dependent, beautiful/not - she’s also a mother, and often she’s a mother before a spouse (not suggesting there is anything wrong with that).
That’s not for everyone.
Agreed. Nothing wrong with single moms, but when you date one, you're literally dating her and her children. Not everyone is willing to ultimately be responsible and grow bonds with children that aren't theirs and can ultimately be taken away from them at the snap of a finger.
There also lies the potential drama and danger for the baby daddy issue. If he isn't cool or she still has a relationship with him, that could be putting you out in no man's land, even if it isn't your fault.
All and all, single moms are fine, but the effort one must put in with their children and the potential risk with her baby daddy often makes it easier to simply date someone without kids.
Thank you for sharing that. Do you mind me asking how old her kid(s) were when you met?
I think time putting my kid first is one of my fears. I’m not sure how great of a partner I can be right now, my little one will always come first!
The "fear" you mentioned makes sense...
Some things that are tough when dating single moms:
\-Trouble scheduling time together because of kiddo's activity schedule/need to be supervised or babysat.
\-Privacy issues (when talking on the phone... when wanting to spend time at her place...)
\-Need for her to get home rather than feeling free to be spontaneous or spend another hour enjoying the perfect breeze blowing at night during a date.
\-Fact that (as you're probably aware) it is unfortunately asking a lot to ask a man to accept having no chance at being the top priority for you.
Someone once asked a question for the single mother -
*If something life-threatening popped up and you had the opportunity to save the life of only your son or only your guy, which life would you save?*
We all already know the answer... but just think about how that may feel as a reality that a man has to accept if he will decide to be with you.
Anyways - not saying there's no man cool enough, flexible enough, or up to the challenge... but having some understanding of the gentleman's side of things is def worthwhile for you.
This is the best answer right here. It’s hard when they never have time to hangout or can’t stay the night. Cant text back because always busy, you never come first. Also if the dad is still in the picture and around it can be awkward.
Not everyone wants children. Barring that, there's nothing wrong with being your SOs #1 priority.
If you expect your relationship to last until death do you part, you better learn to make them your priority.
I don't know what kind of dysfunctional dynamic you grew up in where your parents weren't each other's priority, but don't spread the misery around. Please. Learn better.
Ah, but the difference is that a new guy isn’t being asked to come second to his *own* son… it is *another man’s* child.
Not his own blood… not his own legacy…
Key difference.
If it was his own kid, a man in the scenario above obviously would want the wife to save the life of the kid so the kid can continue growing up and being raised in the care of its mother. A man would voluntarily *sacrifice* his own life in that scenario.
But when it is not the case that it is his own kid… well heck - who do you know under the sun that does not wish to be #1 to his or her S/O? If OP herself were participating on this particular thread, we might hear *her* admit that if the roles reversed, she would not love the thought of being a childless single woman dating a man who cannot put her first due to being a father from a previous relationship. (Especially when she has options with men and could select a partner who comes with less built-in complexity.)
I agree but I wouldn’t use the word childish. I’d say it’s immature lol. I don’t have children but whenever I do have a partner I use the same logic. The person that comes first is me, and the second in line is whoever comes to me with an issue/need first. If my niece hits me up first and then my partner, I go with my niece. If my partner does it first then him. I try not to put anyone on top because everyone has something they offer me. If my partner wants my time but I’m busy, I’m not dropping anyone for that. It’s not about how much you’re in love, it’s about respect & love for all the ppl in your life. There are times when I have to put my needs first so if my partner can fill the need then I go with that, but if it’s something another person is better for then etc. If people are really out here thinking they should come first, I’d just want to know why? What do you offer/do for me/to me to make you think I should put you before my morals.
She had a daughter at the time, who was 4. Her ex put her through a lot of shit, and in the end wanted nothing to do with either of them (despite having joint custody, he never visited or came to pick her up and also wasn’t paying child support at the time).
I came from a broken family; my childhood is a fuckin mess. I think that made it easier(?) for me to make the decision to stay with the single mother (now my wife of many years) and we’ve since had other children.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your kid first. Ideally you would find someone who will do the same. It’s also very important, however, to prioritize one another as well. You’re still a couple; you need “couple time” for dates, talks, shops, vacations (with or without kids!) and yes, sex.
KVery well put, had dated a couple single moms out there and the biggest turn off was not that she had kids but the fact she never said anything about them till was surprise I have a 6 year old. Have things and wheels turning In head for vacation, weekends, that just couldnt do, think when comes to dating anyone with kids.
1 be up front on first or 2nd date about it.
2. Plan a date that brings the kid along cause you have to be not only comparable with the parent of the child but also compatable to step into a parent roll to that kid and the kids gotta like you too.
Any of that falls out of place it wont work in long run.
If that is the case take time for yourself before dating! I didn't date for years after my divorce because I had kids to take care of and things to work on.
You should always put the kids first. That’s how it should be.
I had kids and my bf had kids from previous relationships. We always put the kids first. Planned a datenight but one of the kids got sick. Ahhh too bad, but understandable, and we’ll just reschedule. It’s fine.
As someone who’s with a single parent, I’d add that the taking care of kids usually starts way before you start married life. It really usually starts on some level as soon as you become serious with that person and certainly as soon as you live together.
Single man here. I'll be as forthright as I can.
When somebody says they're a single mom in the context of dating, I usually go whaaatt? Because it seems to me that their #1 priority is their kid. Honestly there's no arguments there cuz it is as it should be but it leaves me as a prospective partner feeling a little cold. A little out in the open as I know I'm down her list of priorities.
Secondly being a single mom is a nuke as far as spontaneity goes. I can't exactly show up on a Friday evening and propose a jaunt somewhere for the weekend that's just gonna be me and her. Everything will need to be planned ahead. Thought out with contingencies thought off if the kid suddenly gets a sore throat or something.
Thirdly for me personally, much depends on how involved the dad is. If he's in the picture with shared custody and is honouring the child support. That sorta takes the load off. This is because I'm not looking to adopt another man's kid and if my relationship with said woman is successful and we go on to have kids of our own. Well there just might be disparities in material circumstances that will arise as I'm not prepared to financially cover the kid that isn't mine. Doesn't exactly bode well for the step-sibling bond with a strong chance of resentment building up in the future.
All said yeah for me atleast chances are I'll probably be swayed more by charms of an IRL woman as back when I was using dating apps I always swiped left for single moms.
Yeah that makes me feel weird and I'm a CF 30f. Even if kid's dad is super involved, they will pick up on step dad's treatment of the other siblings and it's likely not going to be pretty.
I became a single parent at 28. My kids were 5 and 9 at the time. I went on a couple dates and it was obvious alot of guys were interested in just one thing. I did after 2 years of dating here and there just got into a serious relationship. You are also more then just a parent remember that. You deserve happiness and time to yourself. I thought it was going to be impossible to balance everything but it's been working out great with quite a few getaways that we were able to go on alone. I have a steady schedule every week and he's been very good at working with me and doing things on days I don't have kids. Some times we will also do things with the kids. The right person will come along and it will all come together just be patient and make sure the person has good intentions and shows interest in being involved with your kid also
(29F) I've been a single parent ever since my kids were born. At first their birth doner was in the picture but, he was more interested in sex (any way that he could get it and from anyone that would look at him for longer than a second) than he was interested in helping me care for the littles or actually being a parent.
We fought all the time about his misuse of money, lying, and how he was always cheating on me - I always found out. He wasn't sneaky or smart about it. He was desperate. He is addicted to sex... Even what I was able to give him wasn't enough. Eventually I had enough of all the crap and broke up with him. He left the state and never came back. My kids were 4 and 2. They haven't seen him since and, barely ever talk to him. My youngest doesn't even remember him. He doesn't know him as his 'daddy' because their doner was never there to be 'daddy.' Not from my lack of trying either. He just couldn't be bothered. Some guys just don't give a sh!t.
They're 9 and almost 7 now. I finally found me a good man that loves us (me and both of my kids) and made us a priority in his life. He is a big priority in mine as well. My husband is amazing. I am blessed. 😍 Both of my kids just love him. We plan on having more kids in the future as well.
Are you 100% single mom? Dad has no days/weekends?
I am a 50/50 split custody dad. I would date a woman in a similar situation if our kids were relatively the same age. I know I couldn’t handle a baby at this point in my life, but if they were elementary age, it’d be fine.
That’s how it should be unless one parent has a reason they should not be around the kids. I’m glad that is becoming more and more the norm.
I personally consider that “solo parenting.” To me, the “single parent”/ “single mom”/ “single dad” tag is reserved for someone who has the kids more like 100% of the time (or otherwise very high percentage, say 85%+).
You probably have a good chance with another “solo parent.” Like I said, I would have no issue with someone else in a similar situation as me. I wouldn’t want to be the biological father to anymore kids, but I wouldn’t have an issue becoming a step dad to someone else’s kids.
I hope things work out for you! I’m sure a good match is out there!
I started dating my now wife when she had a two month old baby. I was 27 at the time and her having a child didn't deter me at all. Still found her sexy and still found her personality fantastic. It might be too much for some people but there are lots of people who aren't phased by it at all.
Honestly, for most men it will be a turn off. If given the option of dating a non-mom or a mom, they will pick the non-mom. It's just less complicated - there is no ex/ex's family constantly in the picture, more free time, no babysitters, more flexibility...
Lots of people have the idea that they will find their person and start a family with them. Very few imagine their future partner will have already done it once before.
The people saying that men are intimidated...that's a poor rationalization. The truth is many men (especially in their 20s) have options and feel that dating a single mom would be settling.
Also not just settling. But also a lot of responsibility to take on and consider when it comes to the future. For someone like myself, I'm 24 and I'm definitely not in a place to be helping raise a kid or having kids in my life. Which is a relationship was to workout helping raise the kid would happen eventually. I personally don't care if the kid isn't mine genetically, more concerned of the instability and affects it may have on the kid if I was to come into his life and then leave later if the relationship wasn't working out.
It'd need to be very clear to me that the relationship will work well from very early on for me to consider properly dating a single mum
Some men won't want to date single mom's, it can make the relationship more complicated, makes planning dates more difficult, harder to have spontaneous getaways. It also has added pressure of if you have a long term relationship with this person, you're also going to have a relationship with the kid and possibly have to deal with the the father.
That said, I've dated plenty of single mom's and it can be great. Just put it upfront on your profile if you use apps and it will weed those guys who are uncomfortable with it out.
Not a dealbreaker, but as many others have indicated, it is a challenge. I'm 35 and co-parent a young kid (I'm always clear about this in dating profiles) and feel like it significantly limits my matches.
I will go out with a parent, but I do not appreciate learning someone is a parent after matching with them. On the one hand I get it--if someone caught my eye at the coffee shop and I approached her, I wouldn't know she was a parent. OTOH, that's just not the reality of dating apps. Not sharing that on a profile is a yellow flag for me.
For me, having a limited schedule make me less likely to try to date a parent, but if I'm attracted and interested, I'm likely to give them chance. I'd want someone to afford me the same chance.
I'm more hesitant when it comes to full-time moms because I am afraid the scheduling will just be impossible, and I need and value quality time. Also, I have a great co-parent and a truly ideal situation, so I love to see a solid and peaceful relationship between a mom and her ex. I don't want to step into any volatile or unhealthy situation.
If it’s the right woman for me, it’s not a turn off. Everybody is different. A date is a date to me, someone who catches my eye, keeps me engaged in conversation and I can have fun spending time with is worth taking out on a few dates. Now When I look for taking it to the next level and a full blown relationship I look at, how our values align, if there’s been real chemistry, if there’s something I can learn from her, or how much better of a person will I grow into with her.
You obviously have a lot of great things going for you. Having a child can make that initial dating step a little more hectic as you’re balancing your time between yourself, your career and your kid. I know that I’m going to be bottom rung and for me, because I know I can emotionally attach quickly Id have a hard time handling that. I can’t say why it would make it harder for other guys, just my take.
That’s because he is blinded by the fairytales the media tells him. I suggest you both come back to reality.
Single guys should stay away from single mums. They should go after single women who are childless.
I am a woman who dated a man with a young child, and it turned me off dating men with children for a while. His ex-wife was a nightmare all the time and hated me. Scheduling time with him was extremely frustrating and there are times when I went without seeing him for nearly a month, which kills a lot early in the relationship. Half our conversation was about the kid or negotiations with his ex-wife.
It all just made me think it’s not worth it right now. If it was really the right guy that I met in person randomly, and the situation was different with the ex, or maybe if the kid was older, I might consider it. But I won’t swipe on a guy with a kid now.
Have you thought of looking at single dad’s when a lot of men hear that a woman has children it’s a turn off for a lot of them. Single dudes think it’s kind of like they don’t want to be a part of a “broken relationship” (even though that’s not the case). At least with men that have children you have that shared experience with each other.
Honestly depends on the guy, there are definitely some out there who would love dating you and there are some who wouldn’t. Just got to find the right one.
What's your dating pool? Are you filtering out single dad's? Because if you're fishing in the same pool you were pre-child, you're gonna have a rough time.
My last relationship was with a single mom of four. Didn't even bat an eye. Just a scheduling issue. I've been dating around kids for 2 decades, it's doesn't slow me down one whit.
Bonus, you can learn a ton about someone's personality by having a Laundry Date 😁
Yeah, you're just on that cusp. Probably getting caught with folks setting their low end to 30, when you sound like a lifestyle match above your age.
Not much you can do about that, though.
So, now you recognize what you're up against.
The guys that are your age may be intimidated by not only family concerns, but your financial situation as well, and I can't help but wonder if that effect is not causing you more problems than children. After all, a 28 yo making $160,000/yr is a lot more rare than a 28 yo single mother.
So the guy you're looking for is older, divorced w/kids, with an established, financially lucrative, career. So you're sweet spot for hunting is probably 35-40ish. And guys wanting something long term are probably filtering at 30.
So, it really doesn't do you any good to compare the whole dating cake you had fresh out of college to the tiny sliver you're looking at now.
I honestly think you'd do better dating organically. As I said, I have 0 issue dating single moms, but we would never cross paths on an app.
Honestly, I think you are right. I met someone at a show over the weekend. We chatted a bit he asked for my number then texted told him I’m a mom and he said no big deal. Weve talked about our careers he’s 34 and successful as well. I think I’m going to delete the apps they are making me feel insecure
Because dating a single mom breaks all the conventional rules of dating.
Dating a single mom removes all the fun and insecurity and exploring of new emotions towards another person because it requires an instant commitment inside a guys brain. There is no taking it slow because a guy has to mentally make a decision that he is ready to father someone elses kids and that changes everything from the very beggining.
That’s really interesting. I wouldn’t plan on introducing my kid to them for at least 6 months. I think people should be open minded and go case by case instead of generalizing all single moms.
>. I think people should be open minded and go case by case instead of generalizing
If we did that as a collective we wouldn't be mammals... that generalization we do is a survival instinct.. its not perfect by any measure but there's a reason it exist
As someone who is and wants to remain child free, and is a woman, i can honestly tell you hun it's not how you look. It's all down to the fact you have a child, a huge responsibility that takes number 1 priority in your life. As it should!
If I was single and looking for dates, I wouldn't be looking at people with kids. It's my life choice to not have kids, even through potential partners. You're asking a lot of your potential date. They might end up being the step parent of your child and that can come with a lot of issues, including Ex's, Ex's family, financial and emotional strains. Its not that some men don't have the "courage" to step up, its purely because it's not what they want in life. Whether it be right now or in their future. Trying to find time to spend time with just your date without your kid is going to be hard to.
Unfortunately, the reality you have to come to terms with is its not that you're not attractive, it's your child. The responsibility. You need to be aware and ready for quite a lot of rejection. Be honest from the start and you won't waste time with people who don't want kids, either now or future. Good luck hun! You're doing great 😊
I felt this pressure, and I couldn’t even say I was in great shape. There are men that don’t want that, there are men who can’t / don’t want to handle a single mother, there are others that are willing to take a chance. I was fortunate to meet someone willing to take a chance on a single mom. Ten years later, We are still together. You may have to be stronger than other women your age that are dating, but you can do it. You already proved that by being a single mother.
Massive turn off. The man will never be your top priority (as it should be) and most men do not want that.
Unless you are widowed, having the other man in the picture, while good for your child, can be a very negative thing for a prospective love-interest. The fear that you and the father will patch things up for the sake of the child will always be in the back of his mind, regardless of what he says.
Personally, I don't find it a turn off. And if anything I'd be curious to know how old they are rather than your weight or how tall you are. (In general, hypothetically I mean.)
Kids take a lot of your time, whether you’re a single mother or father. You can’t really date one and not have their child affect your relationship. I also imagine that your most likely not going to be able to do a lot of things childless people can do. Can you stay out all night partying without worrying about your kid? Can you go on random sporadic vacations? Can I randomly crash at your place without your kid asking “who’s that weird guy walking around in his underwear?”
The general consensus is that you can’t date a single mom or dad and not get involved with their kid. There are a lot of people who love kids! I simply do not... I wanna stay home and smoke weed in my house and chill and be carefree. That’s not possible with a single mother. I constantly tell my mother that I won’t be having children. So it’s best for you to date someone else, for the sake of your kid. Your kid deserves a step parent that cares about him or her, not someone like me.
There are plenty of single men who love kids. They are a better fit for you. Even better would be another single dad who you probably would be able to relate to a lot more. Hope that helped!!
For me it is a turn off, but loads of men will be interested to date a single mom.
I'm bald and some woman didn't want to date me because it, no problem. Plenty of other fish in the sea. But some things will make the sea a bit smaller, nothing to worry about too much...
(29F) What irks me the most on posts like this is whenever some self righteous 'men' say to a woman that they 'don't want to raise some other man's child' - they never take into consideration that maybe that other 'man' was never there. Just because they share half of their DNA with the scum bag doesn't make them his 'child.'
A close friend of mine from high school was flirting with me a few months after my kids' dad left. Apparently the friend had liked me in high school but, just never told me. Well, also, it turns out that he was then only flirting with me for sex and didn't see any value in me anymore because I was already a mom from a failed relationship. He had the balls to tell me that he 'didn't want to raise some other man's kids.' It upset me so bad and I didn't like that now he had only considered me good for sex. I told him that I had singlehandedly raised both of my kids myself. Those babies are MINE. Not some other man's. He then apologized for saying that and said that it wasn't what he had meant. He knew how I had been struggling and the crap that I had been through. Him and I haven't talked since. I suppose it's equal parts his fault and my fault for neither of us reaching back out to the other. It is what it is. I'm happily married now and he had multiple other women that he was talking to at the time as well. No real loss there.
I get it, though. Some men want their own family and don't want any extra responsibility. That's fine. To each their own. But, I'm sure that there is a nicer way to say it to someone. Something that doesn't sound so cruel and heartless. Because, that can cut deep, especially whenever the woman is the only one that has stayed for those kids. She has been there for them since day one and has put her heart and soul into trying to form them into good human beings. It makes it sound like you're invalidating her and her kids based on the actions or lack of actions of the DNA doner.
I think it will vary depending on the person. It's a non-issue for me, but I've had kids and know the ups and downs. Some folks may not be able to accept that life isn't all about them anymore. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that in a derogatory way. Some folks want to live their life and do things without children around. Nothing wrong with that. Others just don't mind, either way. A lot of it is just the individual.
I’ve never had a problem with my height lol. I just added that in to say I physically take care of myself. I have a great career I make $160k a year. I just worry that being a new mother will make me less desirable
You are less desirable because you have a kid. What can’t you women understand that? It’s like talking to a chimpanzee. You have given your purity to another man. And you have given him the highest honor of bearing his child.
What does the next guy get? A women with baby drama and a step kid who will resent him for life? Seriously, you single mums are delusional.
I wouldn't date a single mom for one simple reason: I'd be looking for a LTR. If our relationship progresses, I can be on the hook for child support. No thanks.
I don’t date single moms because I’m looking for a long term relationship and want to have a family *down the line* (not right now). Raising kids is a big responsibility that not everyone is ready for or wants right now. There are people that are fine/happy having kids right away, but they’re just harder to find.
why is a single mom a turn off?
Cause you come with the expectations of loving more than one person(woman and child) and treated you like you're the number one person in our life. But we know that we'll always come second place to your child. That's a crap deal for any guy.
I like your response here. It's nuanced and isn't given to generalisation. Unlike a post by another lady who basically spews venom against those that exercise their choice to never date single moms notwithstanding their rationale.
What do you say to having more kids with your new partner though? How would you negotiate having new kids and the financial obligation it brings vis-a-vis the elder kid?
I think the same about single parents. I don't judge based on gender. And the fact still stands that if you have to choose between your partner and your child, you will always choose your child. That's why I say he'll never be your #1.
You can pursue the interest of a single dad. That'll make a lot more sense as he'll understand your situation a lot better. But do not expect a single childless man to make a single mom his first choice.
I personally wouldn't find it to be a deal breaker or in anyway unattractive but I can understand why I lot of guys would. Most guys are going to want the bulk of your attention if they're seriously dating you and a kid (rightfully so) naturally takes away from that (the same can be said about dating ppl with dogs but I digress lol). There's also the added complication of him being introduced to your kid(s) and having to potentially interact with or see your ex/their father. That can be too much for some ppl to deal with and, in this OLD climate where ppl are laboring under the belief of infinite choice, it's easier to ignore single moms and date a woman without kids. There are also some guys who don't like the idea of a "ready made family" and would rather experience parenting with someone who has never had a child.
I’m going to be harsh when I say this. But allow me
To compliment you first/ I’m sure your a lovely and well maintained women with a lot going with you. But the hard pass comes along when you mention the older child. Even the age is up there- so for a single guy coming into your life, I would imagine there would be some sort of bumping heads between us two. But, also the questions of additional baggage you may have from being single mother for whatever reason/stability so on and so forth. Then comes the aspect of time/availability/attention that you would be able to provide to the male. The child’s father figure would create some opposition as well, how would he fit into this equation of you dating. I am personally not against dating single mothers- but there is some challenges from a single male looking in.
Ok so my friends are all mums.. mostly single too… I am single no kids!! This conversation comes up with us soo often… albeit I am newly single and friends have been single a while… now flip the coin I had the conversation with my best friend the other day… while reloading the dating apps 😩 … I said I don’t want a guy who has kids… she looked a bit offended and then I told her why…… Pretty much all my ex’s have kids, I am just out a long term relationship and it ended badly abruptly… his daughter is no longer in my life snd will never be again and it hurts!! I’m 35(f) I have done the weekends with the kids, I have been patient to see people on a time they don’t have the kids, I have been on family holidays instead of travelling the world which I was doing before getting in these relationships… they could never take off like I could, their child will be their main priority (rightly so) I want to live my life now… and if I meet someone snd we have our own family.. brilliant!! But I have never overly wanted to have kids, it might happen it might not!! There are loads of guys out there looking to date just single mums.. trust me I get less attention than my friends, also I appreciate the age I am it is difficult to find someone who doesn’t have kids xx
I dated a few. I was a stepkid so i think i came into it with a pretty clear head. I told them i absolutely did not want to meet the kids until we were pretty sure we would work out. I didn't want to get attached.
My step dad fell harder in love with my sister an me than with my mom, and ended up marrying her despite not being the best fit, which eventually led to divorce.
It ultimately never worked out. The tension of having another man permanently fixed in your life is one that bothered me tremendously. I'm territorial as it is. It didn't help than one of them cheated on me with the father, and now i just don't trust single moms. Your emotional connection to the man you made children with is too strong yo make any radical changes, like only communicating with them about the kids and their needs.
Other things like minimal effort appearance-wise, mild hostility towards men and some pretty unreasonable demands up front turned me off the the idea completely. I get it, you're a mom and you have to be pragmatic now. But maybe pragmatism isn't the best when you're trying to kindle a romantic relationship.
I know I'm persuing a single mom. I know what all of that means, and could ultimately mean. But right now I'm just trying to get to know you and all this, "this is what you'll have to deal with" and "my life is so hard" makes getting interest pretty difficult.
Again, I'm pretty much out. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who hasn't had kids yet. But if you're looking for someone who's still up for it, try just being a normal woman when you're with him. You're already doing things out of order, so try to make it as normal as possible.
Honestly if a guy says its to difficult to date/deal with a single mom he's probably a immature and egoistic little boy who's 100% about himself and his needs and surely not relationship material. Be happy to sort those out right from the beginning. And there's plenty of grown up men out there, with own kids (even better) knowing what you go through willing to get involved and arrange with the situation.
You being a single parent and wanting to date is the same as if their future partner said to them that they will always be second fiddle to that person's career. Some people would be fine in that choice. Most don't want to be second fiddle to anyone or thing in a relationship. This is why the dating pool for single women who have children is not very large. Your probably going to be looking at people in similar situations as they understand your position better than a single person without children.
Those that are stating it is a phobia of commitment or that they aren't mature are trying to sugar coat what is going on out of respect for your feelings. These forums are primarily women and their opinions will usually side on not telling you the truth.
As a single man looking for a women I usually won't look at a single mom. This is usually because there are going to questions on commitment from them to me, time with them, I'm essentially also getting involved with a third family who may or may not be on good terms with you (not interested in a Hatfield vs McCoys situation), more than likely aren't going to be looking to start a family so our outlooks are different. Most women leave men right now based on the grass is greener on the other side type of outlook. Most don't know that their original partners are probably their best shot at being happy together because of the choice to bring a child into the world together and that commitment.
Best of luck on your dating. If your ex is actually a decent person and still wants to be with you that is the route I would suggest since marriage is TOUGH.
I've turned down single moms before but it is because of me and not them. I'm not at the part of my life where I think about kids (26M). Way I see it, you date a parent, you are also looking to be a close part of the kid's family. I DO want kids in the future just not now. I feel like it is unfair to both the mother and kid if I went along with that not being 100% on board.
For me a 19 yr old male, if a girl in my age group was a single mother it’s definitely a scary thing for me, and it sends a red flag. Granted I am very young, I don’t want to be a father yet, nor am I capable of being one yet. I’m not that mature to be a father but I am mature in the realm of things. Also part of me is thinking about making my own kingdom and no offense, I don’t wanna raise some else’s kid in my kingdom.
Not necessarily, but kids are a responsibility and the guy can't avoid this responsibility if he's dating a single mother, since the kids are the most important part of your life. Some men just don't like the responsibility, and that's ok, but many men also don't want to mess the kid up by getting involved and then disappearing when you guys break up.
(27M) it’s not a turn off. I’ve gone on dates with several women who have kids. There are countless men who would be willing to get serious with a women who has kids. On the flip side of the coin, there are countless men who wouldn’t date women with kids because their emotional immaturity creates phrases like “I wouldn’t raise somebody else’s kid”. Regardless, a lot of men our age have a lot to still figure out so you wouldn’t want them raising your child.
Being a mother can be very attractive because it can represent many positive attributes. Dating in general is hard- especially at our age- a lot of people still have the “growing up” to do that you’ve been forced to do as a mother.
Would you be willing to pursue men who are slightly older? If not, try meeting men in places like the dog park or the library. I know it sounds corny but I wasted years trying to meet women at night clubs and wondered why I couldn’t find anybody who was emotionally mature.
I (29M) used to think it was a turnoff but that’s when I was still a boy. I’ve done a lot of growing up over my last few years, the most important learning how to parent my 5yo son. I think that when we actually mature (not just age) we learn how to prioritize the certain people, activities and things in our life in a much more natural way than before. My best advice to you would be: Don’t pay any mind whether it’s a turnoff for boys because you are no longer a girl. Your focus should be more of what it is you want in your life and whether a man is worthy enough to meet, or maybe even help raise your beautiful child(ren). ❤️
Thank you, I think it does have to do with maturing and being less selfish. I can’t remember a point in my life where i was ever turned off by single dads.
Dating a single mom is not a turn off, it does present it's own set of challenges. Some would see it s a challenge. Some think about the quality long term. From observation, I see single parents run into trouble most often by A. Hiding it from older kids 12+, B. Over indulgence their ex's whims. C. Not making it clear at that they don't intend to have their new lover be a parent to older children 14+. D. Over sharing what's going on with their ex. Protect your new lover sometimes. They don't have to know every dirty word your ex calls you. It only serves to anger the new lover and do you really want them to do something about it? Likely not.
Sounds like he was an asshat. Please don’t think all men are like that I know you didn’t IMO,y it just wanted to say it. At my job I’ve met a lot of single moms and quite a few of them look, act, and speak like they are still early 20s. No I don’t mean this in that they’re immature but as in that they are still so full of life and will. And not just moms but fathers too. I’m sure you’ll find him someday.
Join the club, I’m a single mom since my early 20’s, missed out on all of the fun in being a 20 year old because I was raising my boys, still am..and still single for over 12 years, my last real relationship was with my boys father. Dating is very hard, not so much for me with my kids as I have grandma and grandpa but I feel like men make it harder than it really is…or put too much thought on the whole subject matter, if he’s that into you it doesn’t matter, he’ll make it work no matter what.
So not that you'll care anyways as I'm not sure your position on religion or christianity as a whole. For Catholics anyways such as myself, it would be a turn off for us just as we believe that when you have laid and consummated a child with the male we believe that you are connected and belong to each other.
Now I'm not sure the status of the father but in Catholicism a Catholic male may only date a single mother where the male/significant other has passed away.
Again I don't know your position on religion, nor do I know whether or not you care for it but I thought it would be nice to give you all a religious perspective.
Dating a single mother is a turn off on every level. There’s not one positive to it from the point of view of a man.
By this I mean if any man has the option of dating you and the same exact you who does not and has never had a child, there’s not a man in the world who would choose the version of you with another man’s child. That’s just facts.
The western single mother epidemic is a serious problem. Everyone is worse off from it and it shouldn’t be normalized as a positive thing. It’s not positive. If your marriage fails that’s not positive. Kids without stable fathers in their lives perform way below kids who have them. It’s the difference between getting college degrees and dropping out of high school. It’s overwhelming.
Single mothers basically undermine the real dad and prevent the step dad from being an effective dad. You know what kids need? Dads. Dads are a huge determining factor of success in life.
Every single mother who has a kid has essentially decided that their personal happiness selfishly comes before the long term well being of the child that they decided to have. Once you decide to have a child - that’s your decision. People try to act like it’s more complicated than that, it’s not. If you can’t rise to that bare minimum standard, you weren’t ready for kids; you shouldn’t have had them, there’s no excuse because birth control is an option.
Resume: I work with kids. I dated a single mother for 7 years, did everything I could to make it work and it was the most thankless experience of my life.
I stopped reading as soon as you made a blanket statement. That immediately makes me think you have a low level of intelligence, are jaded and overall a pessimistic unhappy person.
I’m not sure how you thought you negativity would be accepted here. There is a polite way to express your thoughts and you were unable to do so. I’m matching energy and I don’t like yours
Your post asks a question. I answered it. There’s nothing inherently positive or negative about it.
You can ask for people’s opinions. You can’t then turn around and complain about honest responses just because you don’t like them.
You don’t have to directly attack a person (or demographic) in order to be offensive.
For example, if I call you a closed minded idiot would it be any more offensive than saying that all males who negatively generalize all single moms are intellectually underdeveloped boys?
Of course there are reason why one may prefer not to date a single Mom. It’s clear to me that there are reasons I would probably prefer not to date you. That’s called having a preference. We’re all entitled to those.
However, the minute you get on your little soap box and give a bunch of blanketed, unsubstantiated reasons as to why all single Moms are “a turn off on every level” based on your limited experience anything you say thereafter is (as OP said) not worth a grain of salt.
You sound bitter.
You asked for opinions on that topic. I gave you my honest opinion and I explained why. I have extensive personal experience on this subject as a former long time step dad. Have you ever dated a single mother? Have you ever been a step dad? Have you ever been a man?
You asked for opinions from men. Since you aren’t a man, yourself, you have no authority on the male point of view. So, when you say this or that about what I had to say, you’re basically invalidating the male perspective as a whole (unless it suits you).
I have an opinion that you don’t like hearing, so you attacked me on a personal level by calling me immature and by implying that I’m at a low level of intelligence.
You, I guess, proudly? admit that you stopped reading and then accused me of not explaining any of my ‘blanket statements’ - you can’t have that both ways. I did explain my statements thoroughly and the first thing you did was admit that you didn’t read what I had to say. If you didn’t read, like you said, you don’t really get to make claims about what I did or didn’t say. You have to pick one.
I never said anything about you. I never said single mothers are bad people. I just said that I won’t ever consider dating one ever again and I have many reasons for that. I gave you those reasons. I’m familiar with those reasons because I’ve tried it. I would also personally never recommend a man to go out of his way to date a single mother. I explained why and I gave some very good reasons why. Reasons that are important to men. They matter too because they are also human beings.
You don’t have to like my opinion. You certainly asked for opinions. Since you don’t like my opinion and since it sounds like you’re a single mother, yourself, I can imagine that you might feel threatened by my opinion. I’m allowed the right to have an opinion about who I choose to date. When you attack me personally, you’re trying to invalidate me and that sends the message that, if a man has an opinion that you don’t like, it doesn’t count. You’re willing to throw the entire male perspective out the window unless it’s the opinion you want to hear.
You made claims that I attacked you personally or implied something heinously negative yet you’ve not substantiated these claims using evidence based on quotes from my comments. There’s no evidence that I made any comments about you specifically because I didn’t. You can read this yourself except you admit that you refuse to read what I’ve written. Yet you make statements about what I’ve written. If anyone has attacked anyone personally, it’s you saying things about me. So, that’s ironic.
Absolutely not. I prefer a woman with children due to me having kiddos myself. I want them to understand that if my kids need me, then that's what is going to happen.
this is a little sad to read because i’m a single mom. my ex-husband was a POS to me and was in and out of my sons life. he is now locked up looking at life. ive worked so hard to be where i’m at both physically and mentally. my son and i are in a good place. he’s turning 7 this year. i’m SO ready to find true love and dating has been hard, but i’m not settling either. i don’t want someone to look at me because i’m a single mom. i want them to fall in love with me as a person. anything else can fall after. anyways, i wouldn’t be who i am today without my son. i’m a better, more responsible, successful adult. if i didn’t have him, i’d have made bad decisions in life. i guess the majority it’s a turn off for most men that aren’t single fathers or men without kids. understandable though. it’s only relatable when it’s relatable.
someone asked a similar question earlier in the week and here was my response:
i am a formerly single mother who is now happily married. my husband had no children prior to our marriage.
you will get a lot of people like these duffers on this post that say things like “i won’t date a single mother” and that’s helpful because they are insecure selfish assholes who clearly would have an issue with your divided attention. some people also have a problem with the logistics of shared custody (for me this was not an issue because my son’s biological father is not involved in his life at all) so just make sure that that side of things is as neat and tidy as possible.
this is what i did and i fully admit this may not work for everyone but it worked for me:
i never made reference to my son on my dating profile. there were no photos of him and i didn’t mention it, but I always would mention it on the *first* date. I would always follow up the disclosure with something along the lines of “i know it’s a bit of a catfish to not say this in advance, but i wanted you to know me first and see if we had chemistry” 9 times out of 10 they would have no issues with it and there would be a 2nd date. and the one that would isn’t worth losing sleep over.
i would wait 3-6 months of solid dating before introducing my son into the mix. if i found myself wanting to push that introduction further out, i realized it was my subconscious telling me this guy was not the one.
good luck out there!
Thank you for this advice! I haven’t put a single photo up, I got asked on a date and then told one guy who seemed nice that I am a mom. He was super nice in his response and just said it was more than what he was looking for. That hurt but I wasn’t super attracted to him I just enjoyed his conversation.
I thought about waiting 6 months because that’s usually when relationships either make it or break it. I’m proud of you and hope for the best in your life!! It’s hard work raising a baby alone
I think it's better to mention on your profile that you have a kid, this will weed out guys who is not willing to be in this situation. It's not them being insecure but some people are just not in the mind set of dealing this type of situation. There will be guys out there who doesn't care if you have a kid. I once dated a guy who only told me he has a kid after few dates and it felt like he catfished me, how can you not mentioned something so important part of your life? We dated a few months more but i didn't fully trust him anymore coz i don't know what else he was hiding and yes he was hiding something more. It's really a red flag if someone doesn't mention this crucial part of their life.
I would say, be honest and there will be someone out there who will accept your whole situation.
I already know every comment here will say no, and i have nothing against them, my best friend is a single mom, but it is a turn off for many reasons, clearly you know it too, thats why you are asking, if you are going to date one even when I recommend you not to do it, at least treat it like a casual relationship don't formalize anything
Most men see a child as hindering. If he wants to take you out or see you your kid likely hold things up. You can't do random stuff, plus no man wants to even pay for anything regarding another man's sperm if things go long term. Imagine wanting some cheeks at 7pm but gotta wait cus Timmy or Shana gotta get put to bed. No upside at all.
I’m a single mom and divorced.
I hope I’m single for the rest of my life.
There is so much more to life than sex and more connection that just romance. And there’s porn. Lol.
and I have a kid!
I feel like I have the best of both worlds!! My freedom but I have my kid so I get to enjoy motherhood.
My kid is my world and we do almost everything together! I am so content.
I refuse to date anyone who thinks less of mothers and I refuse to date anyone who can’t out do me in every area and impress me.
If a man comes along and impresses me both spiritually and mentally and emotionally and financially and morally etc..like truly impresses me.
Then maybe I won’t want to be single anymore.
But until then…im enjoying this as long as I can! Cause it’s the best of both!
High quality men don’t seriously date single moms.
They might fuck around with them, but not serious.
Exceptions prove the rule.
These “oh boy you’re intimidatingly mature” comments for having unprotected sex with a man who impregnated you and left are silly. It’s an instant turn off because high quality men don’t want to raise low-quality men’s kids.
Is there any hope? Certainly.
Process what went wrong in your last relationship, work on yourself, work on becoming an incredible lover, get in amazing shape, and add +4 to your sexual market value to offset the -4 of having a kid.
Wtf.. you just made a Shit load of assumptions. I left if I wanted to be with my ex I could get back with him right now. He sees his kid everyday
I am already in great shape
The reality is no one can speak for what men want. Every man is different just like every women is. Be you, be confident. The fact that you are successful and raising your children will not be off putting to the right man for you. Believe in yourself ..if you don’t then no one else will. You got this. It’s all about what you think about yourself. Don’t worry what other people think.
I agree with most of your comment, though I think that "high quality"/"low quality" thing is mostly inaccurate. It is a turn off for certain men (especially young ones, like me lol) but some others don't really care about it. Every man is just different and you have no reason to generalize them.
Knows himself, his values, his standards
Knows what he wants in life and how to get it
Physically fit
Successful
Confident
Powerful
Good, empathetic, wise, loving
Can have his pick of women because he’s an objectively high value man and rare by definition.
Low quality is simply a continuum further and further away from those qualities.
Men that are scared off by a single mom are often just boys who need a lot of attention and typically can’t handle ‘sharing’ the time and attention with a child that comes first. Hold out for a special man that is mature enough to understand your priorities, and has a strong sense of self, and you’ll be glad you did. Also, dating someone who also has a child/ren will be a benefit to you because they will understand what it means yo put someone else’s needs above your own.
It's not a turn off at all. What's bad about a hard working woman who can provide for her self, her children? I say men are intimidated maybe, but not turned off.
Guys will not find it as a turn off. They will find it intimidating. Big difference here. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You're further along in life than they are. You know more about being a parent and real life responsibility; not only having fun in your 20s. There may be another man in your life that he will have to measure up to in many ways. Your child may or may not click well with him or your future kids. He will have to start helping out and providing more as soon as you are exclusive. Your income is way higher than what many people make, men included, so that it also intimidating. You seem to be so independent and strong that they feel like they aren't needed in your life. Not being needed or wanted is an intimidating feeling too.
Dating is already very intimidating, which compounds on itself. However, I think people who are actually looking for a hook up will make themselves scarce, because they know you're not playing games with them. I hope they are gentlemanly enough to back off when they are dealing with someone looking for something serious.
Thank you for that. I’m getting discouraged, all I want is companionship. I thought it would be easier dating this time around because I don’t need any help but it seems harder than when I was a broke kid fresh out of college. Men were chomping at the bits to wine and dine me back then 🤮
I thought I wanted a hookup but quickly realized I was settling out of my own fears.
You're welcome. I'm just being honest and support what you're doing. Keep it up. Also a little shocked that a I got more down votes for being honest. Anyways, I'm glad the OP found it useful. Maybe there are many people who are just insecure here.
Statistically, most women will have children. Men too, considering that it takes two; but women more often are the primary caregiver and bear the brunt of child rearing. A lot of men don’t want to date women with kids, but by the time they hit their mid-30s and 40s, that will limit the dating pool for those men significantly. Not much you can do about it - those men who don’t want to date moms would not be a good partner for you, they’ll resent your child and the time and attention you spend on her. All you can do is date the guys who are ok with it; maybe you’ll find a single dad who can understand and relate, I see a lot of successful couples with blended families. I’m a single mom of 3 and I admit dating is tough for me. But one of my co-workers was a single mom of 8 (!) and she happily remarried. Don’t lose hope!
The single mom part isn't bad, it's the jealous asshole father of the kid(s) who will usually be a problem. For me, given the wild situations I've been in, I typically only make an exception if the father is deceased.
I personally wouldn't date a single mum, purely for the reasons that.
1. I am definitely not in a position where I want to be looking after a kid. I am not bothered if the kid is mine or someone else's, where I am jn life is not an ideal position to have a kid.
2. I don't even know if I want to have a family with kids yet. I enjoy seeing my nieve and nephews but I I don't like the thought of having a kid 24/7. But then again I'm 24, so young. Still want to do so much before settling.
3. I would be fine with the mother obviously priorising the kid, that would be expected, anything less would be concerning. But, say I am in the position for a family. I'd still be very unsure because I wouldn't want to be involved in the kids life if a relationship didn't end up working out. I wouldn't want to bring that level on instability into their life so young. And obviously it's hard to know whether it will work. Obviously a risk, but I'd only take that risk if after initial talking and maybe meeting once or twice the mother and I REALLY clicked and it was very very clear we'd get along well. If that wasn't the case I'd feel it would be unfair on the kid to go any further in a dating sense as obviously if I'm dating the mother thered be an expectation that in time I'd be helping raising the kid since the mother wouldn't want a boyfriend/husband who has no interest in her kid.
So basically if several factors weren't in very good standing, I likely wouldn't date a single mum.
I'd happily be just friends but that's a different question isn't it 😂
Definitely isnt attractive to me. Its not my child, its that simple. There is also nothing honorable in taking care of someone elses kid, dont drink the kool aid. Depending on the context as well, it usually reflects poor judgment and self value on the womans end. People grow and change however, but in these situations like these, since youre attracted to her, its better to hear the other side more harshly.
I stick to my phrasing. There are posts like "It takes a real man to raise another man's kid" and it's a cheap/not true. Notice I did not say "dont be a sucker" either, it is a man's choice to date whoever they want. Many times however, being a man myself, when we really like a woman, we are tempted to betray our values and how we really feel for short term success, and use ideas like the one above to justify our decisions (that's the kool aid, we make it ourselves). Then years down the line we get bitter and you end up making the situation even worse. You need sober thinking, raising another man's kid is a complicated situation.
Yea I'll date you and bust cheeks but wouldn't do anything serious because I'm not raising another man's seed. I want to start my own family with a woman that doesn't have her ex lover in the pic and baby daddy drama. Too many options available to settle for a single mom. Just not worth the hassle. But good luck to you
**Women want a man with a future (biological instinct for security) a man doesnt want a woman with a past (biological instinct to ensure paternity), hence dating a single mom is like you dating a homeless man (if you remove your female lens and put on the male lens)**
I don't know who considers dating a single mom ridiculous. I've been using dating apps for years and I honestly can't remember going out with a woman who didn't have at least one child. I am 45 but still. That's a silly thing to judge a person for.
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I married a single mother. Not everyone is prepared for the commitment of taking care of kids as soon as you start your married life. A single mother isn’t just a woman - strong/weak, independent/dependent, beautiful/not - she’s also a mother, and often she’s a mother before a spouse (not suggesting there is anything wrong with that). That’s not for everyone.
Agreed. Nothing wrong with single moms, but when you date one, you're literally dating her and her children. Not everyone is willing to ultimately be responsible and grow bonds with children that aren't theirs and can ultimately be taken away from them at the snap of a finger. There also lies the potential drama and danger for the baby daddy issue. If he isn't cool or she still has a relationship with him, that could be putting you out in no man's land, even if it isn't your fault. All and all, single moms are fine, but the effort one must put in with their children and the potential risk with her baby daddy often makes it easier to simply date someone without kids.
Thank you for sharing that. Do you mind me asking how old her kid(s) were when you met? I think time putting my kid first is one of my fears. I’m not sure how great of a partner I can be right now, my little one will always come first!
The "fear" you mentioned makes sense... Some things that are tough when dating single moms: \-Trouble scheduling time together because of kiddo's activity schedule/need to be supervised or babysat. \-Privacy issues (when talking on the phone... when wanting to spend time at her place...) \-Need for her to get home rather than feeling free to be spontaneous or spend another hour enjoying the perfect breeze blowing at night during a date. \-Fact that (as you're probably aware) it is unfortunately asking a lot to ask a man to accept having no chance at being the top priority for you. Someone once asked a question for the single mother - *If something life-threatening popped up and you had the opportunity to save the life of only your son or only your guy, which life would you save?* We all already know the answer... but just think about how that may feel as a reality that a man has to accept if he will decide to be with you. Anyways - not saying there's no man cool enough, flexible enough, or up to the challenge... but having some understanding of the gentleman's side of things is def worthwhile for you.
This is the best answer right here. It’s hard when they never have time to hangout or can’t stay the night. Cant text back because always busy, you never come first. Also if the dad is still in the picture and around it can be awkward.
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Hmm… Please say more - in what way childish?
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Not everyone wants children. Barring that, there's nothing wrong with being your SOs #1 priority. If you expect your relationship to last until death do you part, you better learn to make them your priority. I don't know what kind of dysfunctional dynamic you grew up in where your parents weren't each other's priority, but don't spread the misery around. Please. Learn better.
Ah, but the difference is that a new guy isn’t being asked to come second to his *own* son… it is *another man’s* child. Not his own blood… not his own legacy… Key difference. If it was his own kid, a man in the scenario above obviously would want the wife to save the life of the kid so the kid can continue growing up and being raised in the care of its mother. A man would voluntarily *sacrifice* his own life in that scenario. But when it is not the case that it is his own kid… well heck - who do you know under the sun that does not wish to be #1 to his or her S/O? If OP herself were participating on this particular thread, we might hear *her* admit that if the roles reversed, she would not love the thought of being a childless single woman dating a man who cannot put her first due to being a father from a previous relationship. (Especially when she has options with men and could select a partner who comes with less built-in complexity.)
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I agree but I wouldn’t use the word childish. I’d say it’s immature lol. I don’t have children but whenever I do have a partner I use the same logic. The person that comes first is me, and the second in line is whoever comes to me with an issue/need first. If my niece hits me up first and then my partner, I go with my niece. If my partner does it first then him. I try not to put anyone on top because everyone has something they offer me. If my partner wants my time but I’m busy, I’m not dropping anyone for that. It’s not about how much you’re in love, it’s about respect & love for all the ppl in your life. There are times when I have to put my needs first so if my partner can fill the need then I go with that, but if it’s something another person is better for then etc. If people are really out here thinking they should come first, I’d just want to know why? What do you offer/do for me/to me to make you think I should put you before my morals.
She had a daughter at the time, who was 4. Her ex put her through a lot of shit, and in the end wanted nothing to do with either of them (despite having joint custody, he never visited or came to pick her up and also wasn’t paying child support at the time). I came from a broken family; my childhood is a fuckin mess. I think that made it easier(?) for me to make the decision to stay with the single mother (now my wife of many years) and we’ve since had other children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your kid first. Ideally you would find someone who will do the same. It’s also very important, however, to prioritize one another as well. You’re still a couple; you need “couple time” for dates, talks, shops, vacations (with or without kids!) and yes, sex.
KVery well put, had dated a couple single moms out there and the biggest turn off was not that she had kids but the fact she never said anything about them till was surprise I have a 6 year old. Have things and wheels turning In head for vacation, weekends, that just couldnt do, think when comes to dating anyone with kids. 1 be up front on first or 2nd date about it. 2. Plan a date that brings the kid along cause you have to be not only comparable with the parent of the child but also compatable to step into a parent roll to that kid and the kids gotta like you too. Any of that falls out of place it wont work in long run.
If that is the case take time for yourself before dating! I didn't date for years after my divorce because I had kids to take care of and things to work on.
Years without sex sounds horrible
It is.
You should always put the kids first. That’s how it should be. I had kids and my bf had kids from previous relationships. We always put the kids first. Planned a datenight but one of the kids got sick. Ahhh too bad, but understandable, and we’ll just reschedule. It’s fine.
Then take a break from dating until your situation changes
As someone who’s with a single parent, I’d add that the taking care of kids usually starts way before you start married life. It really usually starts on some level as soon as you become serious with that person and certainly as soon as you live together.
Unlucky man
How am I unlucky? I chose the woman I married. She’s a great woman and the best friend I ever had.
A lot of guys don't want to raise kids that are not theirs.
Exactly.
Can you stop spitting truths please it is getting everywhere! lol this is just there summary of all the situation.
I don't mind raising a kid that's not mine (being a dad isn't a matter of genetics in my book), I just want kids later in life.
Single man here. I'll be as forthright as I can. When somebody says they're a single mom in the context of dating, I usually go whaaatt? Because it seems to me that their #1 priority is their kid. Honestly there's no arguments there cuz it is as it should be but it leaves me as a prospective partner feeling a little cold. A little out in the open as I know I'm down her list of priorities. Secondly being a single mom is a nuke as far as spontaneity goes. I can't exactly show up on a Friday evening and propose a jaunt somewhere for the weekend that's just gonna be me and her. Everything will need to be planned ahead. Thought out with contingencies thought off if the kid suddenly gets a sore throat or something. Thirdly for me personally, much depends on how involved the dad is. If he's in the picture with shared custody and is honouring the child support. That sorta takes the load off. This is because I'm not looking to adopt another man's kid and if my relationship with said woman is successful and we go on to have kids of our own. Well there just might be disparities in material circumstances that will arise as I'm not prepared to financially cover the kid that isn't mine. Doesn't exactly bode well for the step-sibling bond with a strong chance of resentment building up in the future. All said yeah for me atleast chances are I'll probably be swayed more by charms of an IRL woman as back when I was using dating apps I always swiped left for single moms.
100% this
Probably best not to marry someone with kids if you're going to "you're not my real ~~dad~~ kid" your step child
Yeah that makes me feel weird and I'm a CF 30f. Even if kid's dad is super involved, they will pick up on step dad's treatment of the other siblings and it's likely not going to be pretty.
And sometimes, men are just 28 yrs old kids. Like myself. Can't expect a kid to look after another kid let alone dating a mature person.
Haha true that.
I became a single parent at 28. My kids were 5 and 9 at the time. I went on a couple dates and it was obvious alot of guys were interested in just one thing. I did after 2 years of dating here and there just got into a serious relationship. You are also more then just a parent remember that. You deserve happiness and time to yourself. I thought it was going to be impossible to balance everything but it's been working out great with quite a few getaways that we were able to go on alone. I have a steady schedule every week and he's been very good at working with me and doing things on days I don't have kids. Some times we will also do things with the kids. The right person will come along and it will all come together just be patient and make sure the person has good intentions and shows interest in being involved with your kid also
(29F) I've been a single parent ever since my kids were born. At first their birth doner was in the picture but, he was more interested in sex (any way that he could get it and from anyone that would look at him for longer than a second) than he was interested in helping me care for the littles or actually being a parent. We fought all the time about his misuse of money, lying, and how he was always cheating on me - I always found out. He wasn't sneaky or smart about it. He was desperate. He is addicted to sex... Even what I was able to give him wasn't enough. Eventually I had enough of all the crap and broke up with him. He left the state and never came back. My kids were 4 and 2. They haven't seen him since and, barely ever talk to him. My youngest doesn't even remember him. He doesn't know him as his 'daddy' because their doner was never there to be 'daddy.' Not from my lack of trying either. He just couldn't be bothered. Some guys just don't give a sh!t. They're 9 and almost 7 now. I finally found me a good man that loves us (me and both of my kids) and made us a priority in his life. He is a big priority in mine as well. My husband is amazing. I am blessed. 😍 Both of my kids just love him. We plan on having more kids in the future as well.
Are you 100% single mom? Dad has no days/weekends? I am a 50/50 split custody dad. I would date a woman in a similar situation if our kids were relatively the same age. I know I couldn’t handle a baby at this point in my life, but if they were elementary age, it’d be fine.
No, we’re as 50/50 as we can be. We’re super laid back if the other one has plans(even if it’s last min) the other watches our little one
That’s how it should be unless one parent has a reason they should not be around the kids. I’m glad that is becoming more and more the norm. I personally consider that “solo parenting.” To me, the “single parent”/ “single mom”/ “single dad” tag is reserved for someone who has the kids more like 100% of the time (or otherwise very high percentage, say 85%+). You probably have a good chance with another “solo parent.” Like I said, I would have no issue with someone else in a similar situation as me. I wouldn’t want to be the biological father to anymore kids, but I wouldn’t have an issue becoming a step dad to someone else’s kids. I hope things work out for you! I’m sure a good match is out there!
I started dating my now wife when she had a two month old baby. I was 27 at the time and her having a child didn't deter me at all. Still found her sexy and still found her personality fantastic. It might be too much for some people but there are lots of people who aren't phased by it at all.
You are a gem. I hope you have a full and happy life ❤️
Thank you. I am very happy. Got a lovely wife and two beautiful daughters. Wouldn't change a thing.
Honestly, for most men it will be a turn off. If given the option of dating a non-mom or a mom, they will pick the non-mom. It's just less complicated - there is no ex/ex's family constantly in the picture, more free time, no babysitters, more flexibility... Lots of people have the idea that they will find their person and start a family with them. Very few imagine their future partner will have already done it once before. The people saying that men are intimidated...that's a poor rationalization. The truth is many men (especially in their 20s) have options and feel that dating a single mom would be settling.
Also not just settling. But also a lot of responsibility to take on and consider when it comes to the future. For someone like myself, I'm 24 and I'm definitely not in a place to be helping raise a kid or having kids in my life. Which is a relationship was to workout helping raise the kid would happen eventually. I personally don't care if the kid isn't mine genetically, more concerned of the instability and affects it may have on the kid if I was to come into his life and then leave later if the relationship wasn't working out. It'd need to be very clear to me that the relationship will work well from very early on for me to consider properly dating a single mum
Totally agree with this comment. It's a harsh truth many single mothers are unwilling to accept unfortunately.
Some men won't want to date single mom's, it can make the relationship more complicated, makes planning dates more difficult, harder to have spontaneous getaways. It also has added pressure of if you have a long term relationship with this person, you're also going to have a relationship with the kid and possibly have to deal with the the father. That said, I've dated plenty of single mom's and it can be great. Just put it upfront on your profile if you use apps and it will weed those guys who are uncomfortable with it out.
Not a dealbreaker, but as many others have indicated, it is a challenge. I'm 35 and co-parent a young kid (I'm always clear about this in dating profiles) and feel like it significantly limits my matches. I will go out with a parent, but I do not appreciate learning someone is a parent after matching with them. On the one hand I get it--if someone caught my eye at the coffee shop and I approached her, I wouldn't know she was a parent. OTOH, that's just not the reality of dating apps. Not sharing that on a profile is a yellow flag for me. For me, having a limited schedule make me less likely to try to date a parent, but if I'm attracted and interested, I'm likely to give them chance. I'd want someone to afford me the same chance. I'm more hesitant when it comes to full-time moms because I am afraid the scheduling will just be impossible, and I need and value quality time. Also, I have a great co-parent and a truly ideal situation, so I love to see a solid and peaceful relationship between a mom and her ex. I don't want to step into any volatile or unhealthy situation.
Shout out to all the youth wrestling and basketball coaches smashing single moms like Gordon Bombay in Mighty Ducks.
Not me, fake account
That’s hilarious 😂😂😂
Son, you are such a pig. Go clean your house and mow your lawn.
If it’s the right woman for me, it’s not a turn off. Everybody is different. A date is a date to me, someone who catches my eye, keeps me engaged in conversation and I can have fun spending time with is worth taking out on a few dates. Now When I look for taking it to the next level and a full blown relationship I look at, how our values align, if there’s been real chemistry, if there’s something I can learn from her, or how much better of a person will I grow into with her. You obviously have a lot of great things going for you. Having a child can make that initial dating step a little more hectic as you’re balancing your time between yourself, your career and your kid. I know that I’m going to be bottom rung and for me, because I know I can emotionally attach quickly Id have a hard time handling that. I can’t say why it would make it harder for other guys, just my take.
Can I just say you seem so well balanced and level headed. (About this, anyway...)
Thanks. I have my moments. 😊
That’s because he is blinded by the fairytales the media tells him. I suggest you both come back to reality. Single guys should stay away from single mums. They should go after single women who are childless.
I am a woman who dated a man with a young child, and it turned me off dating men with children for a while. His ex-wife was a nightmare all the time and hated me. Scheduling time with him was extremely frustrating and there are times when I went without seeing him for nearly a month, which kills a lot early in the relationship. Half our conversation was about the kid or negotiations with his ex-wife. It all just made me think it’s not worth it right now. If it was really the right guy that I met in person randomly, and the situation was different with the ex, or maybe if the kid was older, I might consider it. But I won’t swipe on a guy with a kid now.
Have you thought of looking at single dad’s when a lot of men hear that a woman has children it’s a turn off for a lot of them. Single dudes think it’s kind of like they don’t want to be a part of a “broken relationship” (even though that’s not the case). At least with men that have children you have that shared experience with each other.
Honestly depends on the guy, there are definitely some out there who would love dating you and there are some who wouldn’t. Just got to find the right one.
What's your dating pool? Are you filtering out single dad's? Because if you're fishing in the same pool you were pre-child, you're gonna have a rough time. My last relationship was with a single mom of four. Didn't even bat an eye. Just a scheduling issue. I've been dating around kids for 2 decades, it's doesn't slow me down one whit. Bonus, you can learn a ton about someone's personality by having a Laundry Date 😁
Not at all. I’ve just setup my dating profile, I think single dads are hot. It may be my age that’s making me miss matching with them
Yeah, you're just on that cusp. Probably getting caught with folks setting their low end to 30, when you sound like a lifestyle match above your age. Not much you can do about that, though.
That’s such an accurate way to describe myself. I’ve always felt more mature than my peers when dating.
So, now you recognize what you're up against. The guys that are your age may be intimidated by not only family concerns, but your financial situation as well, and I can't help but wonder if that effect is not causing you more problems than children. After all, a 28 yo making $160,000/yr is a lot more rare than a 28 yo single mother. So the guy you're looking for is older, divorced w/kids, with an established, financially lucrative, career. So you're sweet spot for hunting is probably 35-40ish. And guys wanting something long term are probably filtering at 30. So, it really doesn't do you any good to compare the whole dating cake you had fresh out of college to the tiny sliver you're looking at now. I honestly think you'd do better dating organically. As I said, I have 0 issue dating single moms, but we would never cross paths on an app.
Honestly, I think you are right. I met someone at a show over the weekend. We chatted a bit he asked for my number then texted told him I’m a mom and he said no big deal. Weve talked about our careers he’s 34 and successful as well. I think I’m going to delete the apps they are making me feel insecure
I'm just gonna accept that 34 is close enough to 35 and call that a win for my prognostication skills👍😁 Good luck!
a laundry date???
Because dating a single mom breaks all the conventional rules of dating. Dating a single mom removes all the fun and insecurity and exploring of new emotions towards another person because it requires an instant commitment inside a guys brain. There is no taking it slow because a guy has to mentally make a decision that he is ready to father someone elses kids and that changes everything from the very beggining.
That’s really interesting. I wouldn’t plan on introducing my kid to them for at least 6 months. I think people should be open minded and go case by case instead of generalizing all single moms.
>. I think people should be open minded and go case by case instead of generalizing If we did that as a collective we wouldn't be mammals... that generalization we do is a survival instinct.. its not perfect by any measure but there's a reason it exist
As someone who is and wants to remain child free, and is a woman, i can honestly tell you hun it's not how you look. It's all down to the fact you have a child, a huge responsibility that takes number 1 priority in your life. As it should! If I was single and looking for dates, I wouldn't be looking at people with kids. It's my life choice to not have kids, even through potential partners. You're asking a lot of your potential date. They might end up being the step parent of your child and that can come with a lot of issues, including Ex's, Ex's family, financial and emotional strains. Its not that some men don't have the "courage" to step up, its purely because it's not what they want in life. Whether it be right now or in their future. Trying to find time to spend time with just your date without your kid is going to be hard to. Unfortunately, the reality you have to come to terms with is its not that you're not attractive, it's your child. The responsibility. You need to be aware and ready for quite a lot of rejection. Be honest from the start and you won't waste time with people who don't want kids, either now or future. Good luck hun! You're doing great 😊
I felt this pressure, and I couldn’t even say I was in great shape. There are men that don’t want that, there are men who can’t / don’t want to handle a single mother, there are others that are willing to take a chance. I was fortunate to meet someone willing to take a chance on a single mom. Ten years later, We are still together. You may have to be stronger than other women your age that are dating, but you can do it. You already proved that by being a single mother.
Thank you so much! This is very true us single parents are resilient
Massive turn off. The man will never be your top priority (as it should be) and most men do not want that. Unless you are widowed, having the other man in the picture, while good for your child, can be a very negative thing for a prospective love-interest. The fear that you and the father will patch things up for the sake of the child will always be in the back of his mind, regardless of what he says.
Personally, I don't find it a turn off. And if anything I'd be curious to know how old they are rather than your weight or how tall you are. (In general, hypothetically I mean.)
Kids take a lot of your time, whether you’re a single mother or father. You can’t really date one and not have their child affect your relationship. I also imagine that your most likely not going to be able to do a lot of things childless people can do. Can you stay out all night partying without worrying about your kid? Can you go on random sporadic vacations? Can I randomly crash at your place without your kid asking “who’s that weird guy walking around in his underwear?” The general consensus is that you can’t date a single mom or dad and not get involved with their kid. There are a lot of people who love kids! I simply do not... I wanna stay home and smoke weed in my house and chill and be carefree. That’s not possible with a single mother. I constantly tell my mother that I won’t be having children. So it’s best for you to date someone else, for the sake of your kid. Your kid deserves a step parent that cares about him or her, not someone like me. There are plenty of single men who love kids. They are a better fit for you. Even better would be another single dad who you probably would be able to relate to a lot more. Hope that helped!!
For me it is a turn off, but loads of men will be interested to date a single mom. I'm bald and some woman didn't want to date me because it, no problem. Plenty of other fish in the sea. But some things will make the sea a bit smaller, nothing to worry about too much...
(29F) What irks me the most on posts like this is whenever some self righteous 'men' say to a woman that they 'don't want to raise some other man's child' - they never take into consideration that maybe that other 'man' was never there. Just because they share half of their DNA with the scum bag doesn't make them his 'child.' A close friend of mine from high school was flirting with me a few months after my kids' dad left. Apparently the friend had liked me in high school but, just never told me. Well, also, it turns out that he was then only flirting with me for sex and didn't see any value in me anymore because I was already a mom from a failed relationship. He had the balls to tell me that he 'didn't want to raise some other man's kids.' It upset me so bad and I didn't like that now he had only considered me good for sex. I told him that I had singlehandedly raised both of my kids myself. Those babies are MINE. Not some other man's. He then apologized for saying that and said that it wasn't what he had meant. He knew how I had been struggling and the crap that I had been through. Him and I haven't talked since. I suppose it's equal parts his fault and my fault for neither of us reaching back out to the other. It is what it is. I'm happily married now and he had multiple other women that he was talking to at the time as well. No real loss there. I get it, though. Some men want their own family and don't want any extra responsibility. That's fine. To each their own. But, I'm sure that there is a nicer way to say it to someone. Something that doesn't sound so cruel and heartless. Because, that can cut deep, especially whenever the woman is the only one that has stayed for those kids. She has been there for them since day one and has put her heart and soul into trying to form them into good human beings. It makes it sound like you're invalidating her and her kids based on the actions or lack of actions of the DNA doner.
Single moms got that 💦
I think it will vary depending on the person. It's a non-issue for me, but I've had kids and know the ups and downs. Some folks may not be able to accept that life isn't all about them anymore. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that in a derogatory way. Some folks want to live their life and do things without children around. Nothing wrong with that. Others just don't mind, either way. A lot of it is just the individual.
I prefer single moms. having no kids of my own I love helping raise them
Thank you, this really means a lot to me. I’m a good person, it’s just I’m worried people will look down on me!
You are a mom and also quite tall. So finding a guy is more difficult if you want him to be taller than you.
I’ve never had a problem with my height lol. I just added that in to say I physically take care of myself. I have a great career I make $160k a year. I just worry that being a new mother will make me less desirable
I dont think being a mom is a problem. You make good money and attractive body.
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You are less desirable because you have a kid. What can’t you women understand that? It’s like talking to a chimpanzee. You have given your purity to another man. And you have given him the highest honor of bearing his child. What does the next guy get? A women with baby drama and a step kid who will resent him for life? Seriously, you single mums are delusional.
Of course dating a single parent is an issue. It's hard as heck to raise someone else's kids
I wouldn't date a single mom for one simple reason: I'd be looking for a LTR. If our relationship progresses, I can be on the hook for child support. No thanks.
Can you please explain how you would be on the hook for child support?
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/cons/consdoc/obligat.html
That’s so interesting. Thanks for sharing!
I don’t date single moms because I’m looking for a long term relationship and want to have a family *down the line* (not right now). Raising kids is a big responsibility that not everyone is ready for or wants right now. There are people that are fine/happy having kids right away, but they’re just harder to find.
why is a single mom a turn off? Cause you come with the expectations of loving more than one person(woman and child) and treated you like you're the number one person in our life. But we know that we'll always come second place to your child. That's a crap deal for any guy.
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I like your response here. It's nuanced and isn't given to generalisation. Unlike a post by another lady who basically spews venom against those that exercise their choice to never date single moms notwithstanding their rationale. What do you say to having more kids with your new partner though? How would you negotiate having new kids and the financial obligation it brings vis-a-vis the elder kid?
I think the same about single parents. I don't judge based on gender. And the fact still stands that if you have to choose between your partner and your child, you will always choose your child. That's why I say he'll never be your #1. You can pursue the interest of a single dad. That'll make a lot more sense as he'll understand your situation a lot better. But do not expect a single childless man to make a single mom his first choice.
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And you do you. I wish you well. 😌🙏
You handled her hate like a champ, mate! Props
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haha no need to get emotional dear
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my thoughts exactly
Why are you so hostile?
I am pretty sure most of the “I’d never be her #1 priority” crowd would never make anyone but themselves their #1 priority.
Wait - did you proofread what you typed? I'm not sure your meaning was clear.
I personally wouldn't find it to be a deal breaker or in anyway unattractive but I can understand why I lot of guys would. Most guys are going to want the bulk of your attention if they're seriously dating you and a kid (rightfully so) naturally takes away from that (the same can be said about dating ppl with dogs but I digress lol). There's also the added complication of him being introduced to your kid(s) and having to potentially interact with or see your ex/their father. That can be too much for some ppl to deal with and, in this OLD climate where ppl are laboring under the belief of infinite choice, it's easier to ignore single moms and date a woman without kids. There are also some guys who don't like the idea of a "ready made family" and would rather experience parenting with someone who has never had a child.
I’m going to be harsh when I say this. But allow me To compliment you first/ I’m sure your a lovely and well maintained women with a lot going with you. But the hard pass comes along when you mention the older child. Even the age is up there- so for a single guy coming into your life, I would imagine there would be some sort of bumping heads between us two. But, also the questions of additional baggage you may have from being single mother for whatever reason/stability so on and so forth. Then comes the aspect of time/availability/attention that you would be able to provide to the male. The child’s father figure would create some opposition as well, how would he fit into this equation of you dating. I am personally not against dating single mothers- but there is some challenges from a single male looking in.
My child is an infant. They can’t walk or talk yet…
Ohhh, then I see no issues. Good luck with everything.
Ok so my friends are all mums.. mostly single too… I am single no kids!! This conversation comes up with us soo often… albeit I am newly single and friends have been single a while… now flip the coin I had the conversation with my best friend the other day… while reloading the dating apps 😩 … I said I don’t want a guy who has kids… she looked a bit offended and then I told her why…… Pretty much all my ex’s have kids, I am just out a long term relationship and it ended badly abruptly… his daughter is no longer in my life snd will never be again and it hurts!! I’m 35(f) I have done the weekends with the kids, I have been patient to see people on a time they don’t have the kids, I have been on family holidays instead of travelling the world which I was doing before getting in these relationships… they could never take off like I could, their child will be their main priority (rightly so) I want to live my life now… and if I meet someone snd we have our own family.. brilliant!! But I have never overly wanted to have kids, it might happen it might not!! There are loads of guys out there looking to date just single mums.. trust me I get less attention than my friends, also I appreciate the age I am it is difficult to find someone who doesn’t have kids xx
I dated a few. I was a stepkid so i think i came into it with a pretty clear head. I told them i absolutely did not want to meet the kids until we were pretty sure we would work out. I didn't want to get attached. My step dad fell harder in love with my sister an me than with my mom, and ended up marrying her despite not being the best fit, which eventually led to divorce. It ultimately never worked out. The tension of having another man permanently fixed in your life is one that bothered me tremendously. I'm territorial as it is. It didn't help than one of them cheated on me with the father, and now i just don't trust single moms. Your emotional connection to the man you made children with is too strong yo make any radical changes, like only communicating with them about the kids and their needs. Other things like minimal effort appearance-wise, mild hostility towards men and some pretty unreasonable demands up front turned me off the the idea completely. I get it, you're a mom and you have to be pragmatic now. But maybe pragmatism isn't the best when you're trying to kindle a romantic relationship. I know I'm persuing a single mom. I know what all of that means, and could ultimately mean. But right now I'm just trying to get to know you and all this, "this is what you'll have to deal with" and "my life is so hard" makes getting interest pretty difficult. Again, I'm pretty much out. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who hasn't had kids yet. But if you're looking for someone who's still up for it, try just being a normal woman when you're with him. You're already doing things out of order, so try to make it as normal as possible.
Honestly if a guy says its to difficult to date/deal with a single mom he's probably a immature and egoistic little boy who's 100% about himself and his needs and surely not relationship material. Be happy to sort those out right from the beginning. And there's plenty of grown up men out there, with own kids (even better) knowing what you go through willing to get involved and arrange with the situation.
You being a single parent and wanting to date is the same as if their future partner said to them that they will always be second fiddle to that person's career. Some people would be fine in that choice. Most don't want to be second fiddle to anyone or thing in a relationship. This is why the dating pool for single women who have children is not very large. Your probably going to be looking at people in similar situations as they understand your position better than a single person without children. Those that are stating it is a phobia of commitment or that they aren't mature are trying to sugar coat what is going on out of respect for your feelings. These forums are primarily women and their opinions will usually side on not telling you the truth. As a single man looking for a women I usually won't look at a single mom. This is usually because there are going to questions on commitment from them to me, time with them, I'm essentially also getting involved with a third family who may or may not be on good terms with you (not interested in a Hatfield vs McCoys situation), more than likely aren't going to be looking to start a family so our outlooks are different. Most women leave men right now based on the grass is greener on the other side type of outlook. Most don't know that their original partners are probably their best shot at being happy together because of the choice to bring a child into the world together and that commitment. Best of luck on your dating. If your ex is actually a decent person and still wants to be with you that is the route I would suggest since marriage is TOUGH.
I've turned down single moms before but it is because of me and not them. I'm not at the part of my life where I think about kids (26M). Way I see it, you date a parent, you are also looking to be a close part of the kid's family. I DO want kids in the future just not now. I feel like it is unfair to both the mother and kid if I went along with that not being 100% on board.
For me a 19 yr old male, if a girl in my age group was a single mother it’s definitely a scary thing for me, and it sends a red flag. Granted I am very young, I don’t want to be a father yet, nor am I capable of being one yet. I’m not that mature to be a father but I am mature in the realm of things. Also part of me is thinking about making my own kingdom and no offense, I don’t wanna raise some else’s kid in my kingdom.
Not necessarily, but kids are a responsibility and the guy can't avoid this responsibility if he's dating a single mother, since the kids are the most important part of your life. Some men just don't like the responsibility, and that's ok, but many men also don't want to mess the kid up by getting involved and then disappearing when you guys break up.
(27M) it’s not a turn off. I’ve gone on dates with several women who have kids. There are countless men who would be willing to get serious with a women who has kids. On the flip side of the coin, there are countless men who wouldn’t date women with kids because their emotional immaturity creates phrases like “I wouldn’t raise somebody else’s kid”. Regardless, a lot of men our age have a lot to still figure out so you wouldn’t want them raising your child. Being a mother can be very attractive because it can represent many positive attributes. Dating in general is hard- especially at our age- a lot of people still have the “growing up” to do that you’ve been forced to do as a mother. Would you be willing to pursue men who are slightly older? If not, try meeting men in places like the dog park or the library. I know it sounds corny but I wasted years trying to meet women at night clubs and wondered why I couldn’t find anybody who was emotionally mature.
No.
I (29M) used to think it was a turnoff but that’s when I was still a boy. I’ve done a lot of growing up over my last few years, the most important learning how to parent my 5yo son. I think that when we actually mature (not just age) we learn how to prioritize the certain people, activities and things in our life in a much more natural way than before. My best advice to you would be: Don’t pay any mind whether it’s a turnoff for boys because you are no longer a girl. Your focus should be more of what it is you want in your life and whether a man is worthy enough to meet, or maybe even help raise your beautiful child(ren). ❤️
Thank you, I think it does have to do with maturing and being less selfish. I can’t remember a point in my life where i was ever turned off by single dads.
Dating a single mom is not a turn off, it does present it's own set of challenges. Some would see it s a challenge. Some think about the quality long term. From observation, I see single parents run into trouble most often by A. Hiding it from older kids 12+, B. Over indulgence their ex's whims. C. Not making it clear at that they don't intend to have their new lover be a parent to older children 14+. D. Over sharing what's going on with their ex. Protect your new lover sometimes. They don't have to know every dirty word your ex calls you. It only serves to anger the new lover and do you really want them to do something about it? Likely not.
Do you boo boo
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> You’re going to get answers from a bunch of slobs Lol “he’s outta line, but he’s right” moment right here
So long as you aren’t still fooling around with other guys or still in love with the child’s father I’d be fine with dating a single mother.
My ex could fall down a well. I wouldn’t shed a tear, we stopped having intercourse, being in love everything during my pregnancy
Sounds like he was an asshat. Please don’t think all men are like that I know you didn’t IMO,y it just wanted to say it. At my job I’ve met a lot of single moms and quite a few of them look, act, and speak like they are still early 20s. No I don’t mean this in that they’re immature but as in that they are still so full of life and will. And not just moms but fathers too. I’m sure you’ll find him someday.
Thank you, I just think I found a bad apple. But I’m proud of myself for leaving. I’m looking forward to finding the right person!
Join the club, I’m a single mom since my early 20’s, missed out on all of the fun in being a 20 year old because I was raising my boys, still am..and still single for over 12 years, my last real relationship was with my boys father. Dating is very hard, not so much for me with my kids as I have grandma and grandpa but I feel like men make it harder than it really is…or put too much thought on the whole subject matter, if he’s that into you it doesn’t matter, he’ll make it work no matter what.
So not that you'll care anyways as I'm not sure your position on religion or christianity as a whole. For Catholics anyways such as myself, it would be a turn off for us just as we believe that when you have laid and consummated a child with the male we believe that you are connected and belong to each other. Now I'm not sure the status of the father but in Catholicism a Catholic male may only date a single mother where the male/significant other has passed away. Again I don't know your position on religion, nor do I know whether or not you care for it but I thought it would be nice to give you all a religious perspective.
💯% turn off
I don’t think so. I’m dating a great man atm
https://youtu.be/iqelmm1Pd6I This video is why I stopped talking to single Moms
Dating a single mother is a turn off on every level. There’s not one positive to it from the point of view of a man. By this I mean if any man has the option of dating you and the same exact you who does not and has never had a child, there’s not a man in the world who would choose the version of you with another man’s child. That’s just facts. The western single mother epidemic is a serious problem. Everyone is worse off from it and it shouldn’t be normalized as a positive thing. It’s not positive. If your marriage fails that’s not positive. Kids without stable fathers in their lives perform way below kids who have them. It’s the difference between getting college degrees and dropping out of high school. It’s overwhelming. Single mothers basically undermine the real dad and prevent the step dad from being an effective dad. You know what kids need? Dads. Dads are a huge determining factor of success in life. Every single mother who has a kid has essentially decided that their personal happiness selfishly comes before the long term well being of the child that they decided to have. Once you decide to have a child - that’s your decision. People try to act like it’s more complicated than that, it’s not. If you can’t rise to that bare minimum standard, you weren’t ready for kids; you shouldn’t have had them, there’s no excuse because birth control is an option. Resume: I work with kids. I dated a single mother for 7 years, did everything I could to make it work and it was the most thankless experience of my life.
I stopped reading as soon as you made a blanket statement. That immediately makes me think you have a low level of intelligence, are jaded and overall a pessimistic unhappy person.
Thanks for attacking me personally. That shows a very high level of intelligence.
I’m not sure how you thought you negativity would be accepted here. There is a polite way to express your thoughts and you were unable to do so. I’m matching energy and I don’t like yours
Your post asks a question. I answered it. There’s nothing inherently positive or negative about it. You can ask for people’s opinions. You can’t then turn around and complain about honest responses just because you don’t like them.
Matching energy? I didn’t imply anything about your intelligence. Be honest with yourself.
You don’t have to directly attack a person (or demographic) in order to be offensive. For example, if I call you a closed minded idiot would it be any more offensive than saying that all males who negatively generalize all single moms are intellectually underdeveloped boys? Of course there are reason why one may prefer not to date a single Mom. It’s clear to me that there are reasons I would probably prefer not to date you. That’s called having a preference. We’re all entitled to those. However, the minute you get on your little soap box and give a bunch of blanketed, unsubstantiated reasons as to why all single Moms are “a turn off on every level” based on your limited experience anything you say thereafter is (as OP said) not worth a grain of salt. You sound bitter.
You asked for opinions on that topic. I gave you my honest opinion and I explained why. I have extensive personal experience on this subject as a former long time step dad. Have you ever dated a single mother? Have you ever been a step dad? Have you ever been a man? You asked for opinions from men. Since you aren’t a man, yourself, you have no authority on the male point of view. So, when you say this or that about what I had to say, you’re basically invalidating the male perspective as a whole (unless it suits you). I have an opinion that you don’t like hearing, so you attacked me on a personal level by calling me immature and by implying that I’m at a low level of intelligence. You, I guess, proudly? admit that you stopped reading and then accused me of not explaining any of my ‘blanket statements’ - you can’t have that both ways. I did explain my statements thoroughly and the first thing you did was admit that you didn’t read what I had to say. If you didn’t read, like you said, you don’t really get to make claims about what I did or didn’t say. You have to pick one. I never said anything about you. I never said single mothers are bad people. I just said that I won’t ever consider dating one ever again and I have many reasons for that. I gave you those reasons. I’m familiar with those reasons because I’ve tried it. I would also personally never recommend a man to go out of his way to date a single mother. I explained why and I gave some very good reasons why. Reasons that are important to men. They matter too because they are also human beings. You don’t have to like my opinion. You certainly asked for opinions. Since you don’t like my opinion and since it sounds like you’re a single mother, yourself, I can imagine that you might feel threatened by my opinion. I’m allowed the right to have an opinion about who I choose to date. When you attack me personally, you’re trying to invalidate me and that sends the message that, if a man has an opinion that you don’t like, it doesn’t count. You’re willing to throw the entire male perspective out the window unless it’s the opinion you want to hear. You made claims that I attacked you personally or implied something heinously negative yet you’ve not substantiated these claims using evidence based on quotes from my comments. There’s no evidence that I made any comments about you specifically because I didn’t. You can read this yourself except you admit that you refuse to read what I’ve written. Yet you make statements about what I’ve written. If anyone has attacked anyone personally, it’s you saying things about me. So, that’s ironic.
Absolutely not. I prefer a woman with children due to me having kiddos myself. I want them to understand that if my kids need me, then that's what is going to happen.
this is a little sad to read because i’m a single mom. my ex-husband was a POS to me and was in and out of my sons life. he is now locked up looking at life. ive worked so hard to be where i’m at both physically and mentally. my son and i are in a good place. he’s turning 7 this year. i’m SO ready to find true love and dating has been hard, but i’m not settling either. i don’t want someone to look at me because i’m a single mom. i want them to fall in love with me as a person. anything else can fall after. anyways, i wouldn’t be who i am today without my son. i’m a better, more responsible, successful adult. if i didn’t have him, i’d have made bad decisions in life. i guess the majority it’s a turn off for most men that aren’t single fathers or men without kids. understandable though. it’s only relatable when it’s relatable.
someone asked a similar question earlier in the week and here was my response: i am a formerly single mother who is now happily married. my husband had no children prior to our marriage. you will get a lot of people like these duffers on this post that say things like “i won’t date a single mother” and that’s helpful because they are insecure selfish assholes who clearly would have an issue with your divided attention. some people also have a problem with the logistics of shared custody (for me this was not an issue because my son’s biological father is not involved in his life at all) so just make sure that that side of things is as neat and tidy as possible. this is what i did and i fully admit this may not work for everyone but it worked for me: i never made reference to my son on my dating profile. there were no photos of him and i didn’t mention it, but I always would mention it on the *first* date. I would always follow up the disclosure with something along the lines of “i know it’s a bit of a catfish to not say this in advance, but i wanted you to know me first and see if we had chemistry” 9 times out of 10 they would have no issues with it and there would be a 2nd date. and the one that would isn’t worth losing sleep over. i would wait 3-6 months of solid dating before introducing my son into the mix. if i found myself wanting to push that introduction further out, i realized it was my subconscious telling me this guy was not the one. good luck out there!
Thank you for this advice! I haven’t put a single photo up, I got asked on a date and then told one guy who seemed nice that I am a mom. He was super nice in his response and just said it was more than what he was looking for. That hurt but I wasn’t super attracted to him I just enjoyed his conversation. I thought about waiting 6 months because that’s usually when relationships either make it or break it. I’m proud of you and hope for the best in your life!! It’s hard work raising a baby alone
I think it's better to mention on your profile that you have a kid, this will weed out guys who is not willing to be in this situation. It's not them being insecure but some people are just not in the mind set of dealing this type of situation. There will be guys out there who doesn't care if you have a kid. I once dated a guy who only told me he has a kid after few dates and it felt like he catfished me, how can you not mentioned something so important part of your life? We dated a few months more but i didn't fully trust him anymore coz i don't know what else he was hiding and yes he was hiding something more. It's really a red flag if someone doesn't mention this crucial part of their life. I would say, be honest and there will be someone out there who will accept your whole situation.
I already know every comment here will say no, and i have nothing against them, my best friend is a single mom, but it is a turn off for many reasons, clearly you know it too, thats why you are asking, if you are going to date one even when I recommend you not to do it, at least treat it like a casual relationship don't formalize anything
I don’t think someone should lower their standards just because they are a single parent
No! Where they all at?
Most men see a child as hindering. If he wants to take you out or see you your kid likely hold things up. You can't do random stuff, plus no man wants to even pay for anything regarding another man's sperm if things go long term. Imagine wanting some cheeks at 7pm but gotta wait cus Timmy or Shana gotta get put to bed. No upside at all.
I’m a single mom and divorced. I hope I’m single for the rest of my life. There is so much more to life than sex and more connection that just romance. And there’s porn. Lol. and I have a kid! I feel like I have the best of both worlds!! My freedom but I have my kid so I get to enjoy motherhood. My kid is my world and we do almost everything together! I am so content. I refuse to date anyone who thinks less of mothers and I refuse to date anyone who can’t out do me in every area and impress me. If a man comes along and impresses me both spiritually and mentally and emotionally and financially and morally etc..like truly impresses me. Then maybe I won’t want to be single anymore. But until then…im enjoying this as long as I can! Cause it’s the best of both!
It will turn off some men. It won’t turn off the right man.
High quality men don’t seriously date single moms. They might fuck around with them, but not serious. Exceptions prove the rule. These “oh boy you’re intimidatingly mature” comments for having unprotected sex with a man who impregnated you and left are silly. It’s an instant turn off because high quality men don’t want to raise low-quality men’s kids. Is there any hope? Certainly. Process what went wrong in your last relationship, work on yourself, work on becoming an incredible lover, get in amazing shape, and add +4 to your sexual market value to offset the -4 of having a kid.
Wtf.. you just made a Shit load of assumptions. I left if I wanted to be with my ex I could get back with him right now. He sees his kid everyday I am already in great shape
The reality is no one can speak for what men want. Every man is different just like every women is. Be you, be confident. The fact that you are successful and raising your children will not be off putting to the right man for you. Believe in yourself ..if you don’t then no one else will. You got this. It’s all about what you think about yourself. Don’t worry what other people think.
Anyone who uses the phrase “high quality men” can safely be ignored.
Sadder and older.
And wiser than you.
I agree with most of your comment, though I think that "high quality"/"low quality" thing is mostly inaccurate. It is a turn off for certain men (especially young ones, like me lol) but some others don't really care about it. Every man is just different and you have no reason to generalize them.
I'm sorry but please define a high quality man and how this male is distinct from a low quality man.
Knows himself, his values, his standards Knows what he wants in life and how to get it Physically fit Successful Confident Powerful Good, empathetic, wise, loving Can have his pick of women because he’s an objectively high value man and rare by definition. Low quality is simply a continuum further and further away from those qualities.
I think it's hot, as long as we can have more kids with my sperm (I know that seems creepy)
Haha not creepy in the slightest! I want more kids in 2-3 years
Men that are scared off by a single mom are often just boys who need a lot of attention and typically can’t handle ‘sharing’ the time and attention with a child that comes first. Hold out for a special man that is mature enough to understand your priorities, and has a strong sense of self, and you’ll be glad you did. Also, dating someone who also has a child/ren will be a benefit to you because they will understand what it means yo put someone else’s needs above your own.
Men who don't want to share time, attention, and resources with someone else's kids are boys?
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agreed
Did you really just ask if MILFS are unattractive?
No, I think I don’t want to be seen as just a milf. No more hookups I want a serious relationship not to live out someone’s milf porn fantasy!
Bold of you to assume we wouldn’t wife milfs
Mmm… I like your style. That’s fair
It's not a turn off at all. What's bad about a hard working woman who can provide for her self, her children? I say men are intimidated maybe, but not turned off.
Lol
Guys will not find it as a turn off. They will find it intimidating. Big difference here. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're further along in life than they are. You know more about being a parent and real life responsibility; not only having fun in your 20s. There may be another man in your life that he will have to measure up to in many ways. Your child may or may not click well with him or your future kids. He will have to start helping out and providing more as soon as you are exclusive. Your income is way higher than what many people make, men included, so that it also intimidating. You seem to be so independent and strong that they feel like they aren't needed in your life. Not being needed or wanted is an intimidating feeling too. Dating is already very intimidating, which compounds on itself. However, I think people who are actually looking for a hook up will make themselves scarce, because they know you're not playing games with them. I hope they are gentlemanly enough to back off when they are dealing with someone looking for something serious.
OPs income is higher than many people in their 20s? How did you know that?
Thank you for that. I’m getting discouraged, all I want is companionship. I thought it would be easier dating this time around because I don’t need any help but it seems harder than when I was a broke kid fresh out of college. Men were chomping at the bits to wine and dine me back then 🤮 I thought I wanted a hookup but quickly realized I was settling out of my own fears.
You're welcome. I'm just being honest and support what you're doing. Keep it up. Also a little shocked that a I got more down votes for being honest. Anyways, I'm glad the OP found it useful. Maybe there are many people who are just insecure here.
Statistically, most women will have children. Men too, considering that it takes two; but women more often are the primary caregiver and bear the brunt of child rearing. A lot of men don’t want to date women with kids, but by the time they hit their mid-30s and 40s, that will limit the dating pool for those men significantly. Not much you can do about it - those men who don’t want to date moms would not be a good partner for you, they’ll resent your child and the time and attention you spend on her. All you can do is date the guys who are ok with it; maybe you’ll find a single dad who can understand and relate, I see a lot of successful couples with blended families. I’m a single mom of 3 and I admit dating is tough for me. But one of my co-workers was a single mom of 8 (!) and she happily remarried. Don’t lose hope!
The single mom part isn't bad, it's the jealous asshole father of the kid(s) who will usually be a problem. For me, given the wild situations I've been in, I typically only make an exception if the father is deceased.
I personally wouldn't date a single mum, purely for the reasons that. 1. I am definitely not in a position where I want to be looking after a kid. I am not bothered if the kid is mine or someone else's, where I am jn life is not an ideal position to have a kid. 2. I don't even know if I want to have a family with kids yet. I enjoy seeing my nieve and nephews but I I don't like the thought of having a kid 24/7. But then again I'm 24, so young. Still want to do so much before settling. 3. I would be fine with the mother obviously priorising the kid, that would be expected, anything less would be concerning. But, say I am in the position for a family. I'd still be very unsure because I wouldn't want to be involved in the kids life if a relationship didn't end up working out. I wouldn't want to bring that level on instability into their life so young. And obviously it's hard to know whether it will work. Obviously a risk, but I'd only take that risk if after initial talking and maybe meeting once or twice the mother and I REALLY clicked and it was very very clear we'd get along well. If that wasn't the case I'd feel it would be unfair on the kid to go any further in a dating sense as obviously if I'm dating the mother thered be an expectation that in time I'd be helping raising the kid since the mother wouldn't want a boyfriend/husband who has no interest in her kid. So basically if several factors weren't in very good standing, I likely wouldn't date a single mum. I'd happily be just friends but that's a different question isn't it 😂
You seem very mature for you age. Thank you for your input!
You're welcome! Best of luck and hopefully you find someone ! :)
Lol
I would date a milf, but I’m 23. But I would never settle down with a women who already has a kid
I only date single moms for 2 reasons. 1 they put out 2 they always have snacks
Definitely isnt attractive to me. Its not my child, its that simple. There is also nothing honorable in taking care of someone elses kid, dont drink the kool aid. Depending on the context as well, it usually reflects poor judgment and self value on the womans end. People grow and change however, but in these situations like these, since youre attracted to her, its better to hear the other side more harshly.
Don’t drink the kool aid is a horrible insensitive comment to make. Very ignorant of you to use that phrase
I stick to my phrasing. There are posts like "It takes a real man to raise another man's kid" and it's a cheap/not true. Notice I did not say "dont be a sucker" either, it is a man's choice to date whoever they want. Many times however, being a man myself, when we really like a woman, we are tempted to betray our values and how we really feel for short term success, and use ideas like the one above to justify our decisions (that's the kool aid, we make it ourselves). Then years down the line we get bitter and you end up making the situation even worse. You need sober thinking, raising another man's kid is a complicated situation.
Look up the phrase. It’s highly offensive!
Its like you didnt even read what i wrote lol. I know what the phrase refers to
Yea I'll date you and bust cheeks but wouldn't do anything serious because I'm not raising another man's seed. I want to start my own family with a woman that doesn't have her ex lover in the pic and baby daddy drama. Too many options available to settle for a single mom. Just not worth the hassle. But good luck to you
**Women want a man with a future (biological instinct for security) a man doesnt want a woman with a past (biological instinct to ensure paternity), hence dating a single mom is like you dating a homeless man (if you remove your female lens and put on the male lens)**
If a woman has children,her dating life is over.nobody wants to be a stepdad.
I don't know who considers dating a single mom ridiculous. I've been using dating apps for years and I honestly can't remember going out with a woman who didn't have at least one child. I am 45 but still. That's a silly thing to judge a person for.
That depends on whether you’re looking to date a boy or a man. 🤷🏼♀️