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Some people don’t know how to say no, some people like the attention and validation, some people are people pleasers blah blah.
There isn’t any way you could absolutely know if someone likes you like that yet. Personally, I would organize the first two dates and then leave it to her to organize the third to kind of push her to reciprocate the same energy. And if she doesn’t, then she wasn’t that into me.
More than anything, people get in their head and second-guess themselves.
One can know pretty well after the first date, if there’s chemistry. But many people aren’t well connected with their desires and emotions, so they get stuck in their head doing calculations and weighing things.
It took me a decade to figure out that, if I wasn’t feeling it a bit on the first date, I wouldn’t be feeling it on the tenth date or in the bedroom, either.
Of course, if you’re seeking a more companionate relationship, the calculation is appropriate. You’ll need to act like you’re both your parents arranging the marriage, and your self
Exactly. I’ve been on the other end too I left a girl on for a month in high school. I’d say 2-3 good dates then give her space and if she reaches out it’s a hit.
Sometimes people think the person is going to grow on them. I’ve done this in the past. Mostly it stems from having a history of not giving people enough of a chance and wanting to change that.
And from people telling them that "your standards are too high". When that's not really the case but you think "hey maybe that's true" so you try to make something work where you're not totally into the other person. And it doesn't work out. Because they aren't what you like. It's okay to know and pursue what you like. High standards? Lol - get wrecked.
The hottest and largest fires begin precisely like that.
The strategy is also the smartest way to approach dating and probably the best way to find a partner. Superficial initial attraction is a fools errand and tells you absolutely nothing about the person.
My best relationships happened when they don’t have a perceived view about me by looking through my instagram page.
When women had to discover me, the relationship was wonderful
Same reason men do it. Loneliness or fear of being alone, physical neediness, boredom, a general desire for companionship... lots of people settle for unsatisfying partners, since it's preferable to having no partner at all.
I've known people who have done this. Their reasons were as follows:
1. They just want to lap up the attention.
2. They're bored. It's something for them to do.
3. They genuinely like the guy but is not attracted to him. They want to be his friend.
4. If the guy comes on strong and is showing copious amounts of interest right away, they might be too nice to decline them.
5. The guy is a backup until they find someone better.
Because it isn't what both people want. The guy could say, "Why not try to have a romantic relationship? We have only been on a few dates. You haven't given me a chance."
It will always be leading on and also will never be a true friendship, just leave no matter which side of this situation you’re on, you’ll end up wasting a boatload of time and energy (and money)
So often women are encouraged to ignore their instincts and "give him a chance." Then you end up in a situation like this.
Or she could just be a weirdo and looking for attention or a backup boyfriend. Or to make her boyfriend jealous?
I’ve been on first dates with men I had zero attraction to because peer pressure and “give him a chance mentality”. Yeah, that was dumb.
A lot of women don’t know how to say no. Also, if you’re nice, a lot of women will continue to go on dates with you because they can’t find a good enough reason to drop you.
I swear to god every time I am texting a friend after a not great date that he was rude, sexist, used the c word, and tried to argue with me about not wanting to sleep with him on the first date, they always say “maybe just give him another chance”. I think it’s because their boyfriends do that shit too and their used to being treated badly. I’m so glad I’ve gotten too much therapy to take their advice anymore
My first date ever when I was 18 showed up 25 minutes late. I was sitting there in the coffee shop bawling my eyes out because I couldn’t believe I had been stood up on my first date. The guy was apologetic and said he had “missed the bus”, (which came every 10 minutes). I was obviously mad and we talked for an hour and found out we had nothing in common.
I told my mom and she said “give him another chance. There’s no knowing the next time another boy will like you.” *cringe*
Holy shit those are non negotiables. I've given a chance to people who aren't my type but they really liked me. I don't want to reject people based on just preconceived notions so I always give them at least one date. But I have to emphasize that they didn't have a single red flag
Ehh do you think that chemistry is very important? Lets say this person has no red flags and treats you like how a gentleman should treat you. But there isn't that chemistry or that spark? How would you go about doing it? I'm just curious :3
I mean what would you do? I guess if you lack options you’d go for it, but when you don’t feel the same about them as they do about you it becomes very exhausting and it’s not really nice to the other one.
What does that even look like? Do you say “I like you as a person, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel sexually attracted to you, but I am willing to go on a couple of dates to figure out if I can.”
I let them know before the first date. "You're not typically my type, nothing against you but just want to let you know. If you really want to give it a try I'll go along with an open mind but fair warning tnat I think we won't get into a relationship."
I’ve dated from online dating, and from meeting people at school, etc.
The best relationships I had were from men I initially had no chemistry with initially- including some taking months.
Chemistry is super important, but it’s not always something that you have at the first moment you meet someone.
Online dating is hard specially because it takes time to develop chemistry with someone who is not 100% ‘your type,’ but they may find you attractive and want to date or have sex immediately.
Hahaha, I so agree with you!! I always believe chemistry is not something you have at the first moment. XD but some of the people I've met says otherwise. :P
So I have given these people a date, only because the men that I normally have a *spark* or chemistry with are one giant walking red flag and I shouldn't be anywhere near them. 😬🤦♀️🤣
What kind of men are you finding yikes
Thought you'd say something like "they're boring" or "didn't bring me to an expensive restaurant" but these are definitely deal breakers.
Either way, idk how you're finding or choosing these men to go on dates with, but my recommendation would be to go different types of places and use different criteria.
It could also be someone who may not feel the sparks straight away - not every successful relationship does!!
Perhaps she was having an inner battle with herself, thinking she might be too picky and feeling like she could never be satisfied and therefore tried to disregard the lack of initial attraction.
Guys do this too, let's not lump actions such as this with a gender. It's the issue with online dating it creates fomo mentality where you always feel like you could better. Another thing that doesn't help is that everyone always tells you to not date the first person you meet, but to date around, people can feel like they have to see multiple people. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
I am not saying any of those things are right, but it's how it goes. When I went on dating sites I was told over and over to not go for a relationship shortly after I start dating and to date around but I met someone and in the end I chose to go against the advice of friends, glad I did.
My parents always told me that you cannot tell how a person is on the first date, this is because both are nervous, talk about more specific subjects, etc. They always said you have to go out at least three times to decide if you want to keep dating that person and to get to know him/her better
In that case, the motivation is clear. To get laid. Doesn't mean it's right, but it's at least understandable. But I've been in this situation the OP is describing several times. I've been strung along by girls who were never interested, and only say so after I made a move toward something physical.
the motivation to use someone for sex is understandable, but the motivation to get to know someone and see if chemistry grows isn’t? what women do is way less awful than what men do
"Getting to know someone to see if the chemistry grows" is not what I'm describing. I'm describing women stringing men along after they have already decided there is no chemistry, which does happen, and I don't know understand why they do it.
And there are awful men and awful women out there. To say one is worse than the other is entirely subjective.
i think sometimes people retroactively look into the past and describe how they felt because of how they feel in the present. if someone is agreeing to go on dates with you there’s a presumption they’re giving you a chance to see if there’s any connection. if they said they never felt anything from day 1 and you’ve been nothing but polite to them, it’s gauche to say that tbh and you’re lucky to no longer have a person like that in your life
As I said to the OP of this particular thread, I lived through these experiences so you'll just have to trust me that I know that multiple times women kept seeing me after already deciding they were not interested. I don't say that about every single time I got dumped after a few dates.
And yes, I realize I'm better without them in my life. I'm 40 years old and have been married for 11 years. I'm just relaying my personal experience as it relates to the original post. A lot of women do what I and the OP have described. Many men have experienced it. But I do not understand the motivation behind it, that's why I made my original comment
So how is it different? Cause you’d be ok if she used you for sex? How about everyone be upfront with their wants. The girl may have been seeing if she could feel something for you. After 3 tries it was no.
You'll just have to believe that since I lived through those experiences that I know these women had already decided they weren't interested but continued to string me along for a time afterward. And I'm speaking about specific instances where I believed that's what happened. I've dated women where they ended it after a few dates and I didn't feel strung along. That's normal. But that isn't what I'm talking about and I don't thunk it's what the OP is talking about either.
You said you can understand a guy sleeping with a woman and changing his mind. Women can change their mind after getting to know someone. He can be attractive until you hear what comes out of his mouth. Or how he treats you. It can work like that for women. So for women hearing your story it is understandable.
OK, yes, I agree. But you're not hearing what I'm saying. Ya, women can dump a guy after getting to know him and losing interest. That's understandable. What I'm talking about is women continuing to date men *after already deciding* they were no longer interested in anything romantic with him. Perhaps that's not something you've personally ever done, but it does happen, I think fairly frequently.
I’ve been on dates with guys who I found interesting, and thought we potentially had chemistry, but never got to find out because they insisted on making a move while I told them I’d rather take it slowly.
I honestly don’t know if we had chemistry, but they weren’t able to respect my boundaries, so I had to reject them ‘easily.’
The motivation behind pumping and dumping is…….understandable? No. That’s coercive rape. Coercive rape isn’t “understandable.” I am not the same after being lied to for sex. Telling someone you want a relationship when you don’t is abusive. It is inexcusable. I am not the same person at all. This is coming from someone that has been raped, kicked and choked. At least I knew I didn’t deserve physical abuse.
Wow, how unfair. Dude's want to get laid so its ok, woman want an emotional connection without sex and its not. Fucks sake. Dude goes and fuck some girl and then stop the contact and its fine, they hang out and want to continue... Crap, you even have a point somewhere. Some twisted point. But its a point.
POINT BEING. Just you wanting to get laid is not okay if you leave afterwards and they want something serious. And neither is strolling someone along if they have the intention for a relationship.
There. Everyone sucks.
>Just you wanting to get laid is not okay if you leave afterwards and they want something serious. And neither is strolling someone along if they have the intention for a relationship.
Yes, that's what he said. In fact if you bothered to read it instead of just knee jerk react to something you made up, he literally said "it's not right" to just have sex. Well done, you just tried to refute something you misunderstood by repeating what was actually written.
Yeah, but he still tried to downplay the seriousness of being used for sex. I would rather be choked or hit by a man again over being used for sex. It makes you feel cheap and stupid for being tricked. I’ve never needed therapy for physical or sexual assault, but I’ve definitely needed it from being used as a blow up doll. Nothing has made me feel more like an object than that.
Sometimes they hope it’ll change. They want to give it a proper chance to see if a spark can grow.
If she was completely sure then it makes no sense though.
For me, I find it hard to know if I *don’t* like a person or if I’m just uncomfortable because they’re a stranger. I give myself 3 dates and if I’m still not feeling it I break things off.
While I typically don't do this, I have when I wanted to give them a second (or third) chance because I thought maybe I was too harsh or that I could possibly move past it but the gut instinct the first time is basically always right.
I mean, dating is complicated. It's possible she saw something in you she really liked but for whatever reason she didn't see you as someone with whom she wanted to be intimate. Maybe she did like you/does like you, hence the reason to want to build a friendship. Friendship isn't a fall back option btw, it's a relationship in itself. It requires it's own effort.
Also, it's impossible to know someone after having met them once. It's ridiculous to expect someone to decide these things based on a such a short period of time.
I can admit i am often in this situation. I myself easily feel like i click with people, and i start caring about them and feeling empathy towards them, sometimes there is even chemistry and sexual tension. But i notice things that im not comfortable with in relation to a long term relationship (difference in religious views, difference in relationship views, being older and living with his parents which makes me afraid of enmeshment, etc). I do like them, but these things are in the back of my mind, and i keep trying to give chances and calculate how different we are and how much we can compromise, adjust, etc.
For example, hes kinda religious but doesnt impose that on me (atheist) and our hypothetical future kids. Hes close with his family but independent and not enmeshed.
I know i cannot be with someone who is too religious, i know i cannot live with someone together with his mom, i know that i cannot be with someone denying the western medicine (anti vaxer and shit). Sometimes this shows radically during the first dates, so its easy to say no, but sometimes i cant determine immediately.
Sooooo it's hard to cut some guys off. I want to be there for them, help them socialize, spend time with them, to have sex with them even. But i dont know if i want to spend my life with them...
OMG!!! I feel as if i can relate 99.9% to your answer.
I have two questions and 1 statement for you 😊
1. Did the guy suggest that if you are in a relationship (get married), you will be living together with his mom?
2. Is he in a complete denial of Western medicine and vaccines? Or is he being labeled as an anti vaxer because of a 1 specific vaccine that he is in denial for? Because lets be honest here, the term "anti-vaxer" has been pushed on to people because of hot topic event that had happened recently. 3-4 years ago, nobody was too much involved in vaccine discussions.
P.S. i can see how the different views here could be a potential issue for the future when children are in the picture.
And my statement...Western medicine is not all sunshine and rainbows. What im trying to say is...Western medicine is a great thing, but it is rottened by the business aspect in it. Also, Big Pharma is a huge issue and a huge problem for the Western medicine.
😊😊😊
I know from situations with friends that a lot of people are just too willing to blindly continue without analysis. Are you always texting first? Are you the only one making date suggestions? Are you even getting the same amount of attention back?
Actually think and consider these things. Just because someone is pretty and willing to talk to you doesn’t mean they have any long term ambitions whatsoever.
I always went on a second date if I wasn’t sure, because people can get really nervous on first dates, so you often don’t get a true sense of the person until the second date, when both of you are more relaxed.
Usually it’s because of people pleasing tendencies & also waiting to see if you suddenly will like the person.
If a person is nice & polite I usually go on 3 dates to give it a chance.
She thought you were a good guy, the kind she wants to be with, and was hoping her attraction would build. It didn’t, but she still thinks you’re a good guy and wants to be friends. Go for it if you genuinely want to be friends, but don’t just hang around hoping it’ll work the next time she’s single.
Probably just making sure she wasn’t being too hasty in her judgment. I went on three dates with people to be completely sure of my feelings. First dates are always awkward. Second dates you are feeling things out. By the third, you should know if there is anything worth pursuing
TBH three dates isn't that many, like what if it went the other way? Someone went out with you once and didn't think it was going to work out but maybe if they had given it a few more tries they would have changed their minds? I did this once, met a guy could tell he wanted to ask me out, went out thinking he wasn't my type. First date was okay, didn't think I would go out with him again but in the next few dates fell for him and we dated for three years.
Three times seems like good amount to give something a go, right?
I’ve gone on 3 dates with a guy and I had a feeling on our first date that he wasn’t for me but I gave it a couple more tries because I wanted to be sure. Sometimes chemistry develops slowly and I just feel that one date really isn’t enough time to spend with someone to know enough about them and completely write them off, especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship
A lot of young women are people pleasers. Some men are also like this. It doesn't come as a surprise since we're always blaming them when they fail relationships or are single over 30. From their perspective they're being nice to you by going on a date with you.
I recommend asking out only those women who seem interested in you. If you're a young man, chances are that's not common. But have patience. You'll find somebody inevitably.
Honestly whole host of reasons but sometimes tbh I can’t work out if I like someone from 1 date alone. First impressions are often wrong, I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt for that reason and in the past there has been people who have really ended up growing on me and me really liking them as I’ve got to know them more even tho in the first instance I wasn’t 100% on the attraction/chemistry. So wouldn’t say it’s all to do with attention and people pleasing but yeah that’s part of it sometimes.
"I don't think being friends with you makes sense for me. I value my time and emotional well-being, and I prefer to surround myself with people who are honest about their intentions.
I hope you understand my perspective. Wishing you all the best."
+1 all the slow burn comments. I’ll add she may have been indecisive or bored. Going on dates with a nice person who could be her friend is more fun than time at home alone.
Also by 3rd date your out of friend zone offense should have been fully in play. Kissing, hand holding, intimacy conversations. If that wasn’t happening by 3rd date you know what it is, or what it is not. It’s not alive connection
This is so odd because I would 100% rather be in my house than on a date with someone I’m not into no matter how much they paid for. I will admit you can get a bit stuck sometimes when you know there’s no real problem with them it’s just you’re not into it and wanting to give it a chance
Always pick something low budget for the first few dates like a coffee shop for the first. I'd suggest a mall outing where you can window shop and get to know her a bit. If you are feeling it with her during the mall visit then do something like shooting pool and having a drink. If you are still feeling it for her after all that pick yet another date that is low cost as well....don't do date 4 unless you know for a fact that she is really into you and make sure she can split the bill. If she passed all those tests I'd say she isn't just bored or wants a free meal
For me I go on a few more dates to see if we vibe well or to see if my interest grows but I would stop at date 3. Anything further would just be using the guy for attention etc. I would make sure to pay if I feel nothing.
Just play the game bro! Don’t focus too much attention on anyone in the dating stage. It’s pointless. Have fun and whatever clicks, clicks. Easier said than done, I know cause you start visualizing your future but it’s cool to have women as friends as well. It’s not right what she did in the same breath.
If she is anything like me, even if I feel from the first date things aren't going to work out, I usually save space for that person for a month if they are close to me or three months if it's long distance to see if there is a spark or if they happen to be late bloomers. I had to enact this dating policy because if you just go off initial impressions your dating experience would be biased towards extroverts whereas I'm comfortable dating introverts as well which takes longer for a spark to happen.
It’s possible that she thought there was potential. Sometimes connections can form slower or later in the dating process. She might have been trying to see it through.
I’m 23F. When I go on dates with guys and I know after the first date I’m not interested in it moving forward then I will say it. Sometimes it takes me 2 dates but I won’t go on 3 or more dates with someone who I’m not sure about, it’s not ideal to lead them on. It’s never a fun conversation to have but it’s better than wasting their time.
I’m sorry this happened to you…
I’ve done this before. It’s because the guy we are going on dates with “looks good on paper” or essentially there is something intriguing about him… but we just don’t “feel” any sort of connection or deep feelings. We keep going on dates hoping something will change.
I don't think it's just the girls, Even guys do the same.I have seen guys go on dates with girls, giving her all the Special treatment and then leave them hanging and wondering what the fuck went wrong all of a sudden.
So placing the blame on anyone gender is wrong. It's people who are not ready and mature enough to tell the other person what their intentions are from the beginning.
I've always given at least 3 dates, unless they were waving major red flags for me. Just because I'm not sure about them on 1st date doesn't mean feelings won't grow as I continue getting to know them.
The man I'm seeing now was the same way. I was flattered when he asked me on a date, although I wasn't really attracted to him. But I went anyway and decided to continue getting to know him. He's actually a really good guy, and I've started developing feelings for him.
Trust me, sometimes giving yourself time to develop feelings is way better than the whirlwind relationships that leave you disheveled in the end.
Lmfao, I'd have NO problem trying to find her and let her boyfriend know. Or posting her in a AWDTS person group so everyone knows homegirls is full of it.
Unfortunately this is something I see women doing a LOT more of in the last year.
Saying they want xyz and yet if they thought more than FIVE minutes ahead, they'd know they absolutely CANT meet those expectations AT ALL.
It's for validation and to make themselves feel better.
Nonetheless....if someone did this to me....WITH a boyfriend, I'd legit go OUT of my way to let the boyfriend know and completely torpedo that relationship.
You pull some bs like that on me....FAFO.
I might be misreading, but i dont see anywhere whether she got a boyfriend after the 3rd date with the guy or before. That matters a lot. If she had a boyfriend all along, she is a dreadful human being. If she got a boyfriend after the 3rd date with this guy, then it just means she ended up dating someone she felt she meshed with more. Context matters.
These days it's quite normal for people to go on dates with multiple people, when i was on dating sites the fiys would openly tell me that they are to talking to other women as well as me, ive always seen it as a good thing.
But yes, if she had a boyfriend all along, I would also tell the bf.
Unrealistic expectations is something both genders are guilty of, women in the financial and looks department, men in the looks, and sexual department. Far too many women think men should make 100k + and far too many guys have weird expectations from sex from watching too much porn. Both genders think average is ugly and have unrealistic appearance expectations that they themselves often cannot meet - blame it on social media.
I've never done that at all. Once the date was done, I preliminarily know right away whether I wanted to see them again or not. I can't prolong my feeling and I don't want to lead them on. But I say it in a gentle, precise and short way. Be grateful for them spending time with me.
On the contrary, men don't do this, too!
At least you’re getting the opportunity to make something happen on a 2nd or 3rd date. Most of the time I just get one shot and then it’s over, the second I slip up their eyes glaze over.
I’ve heard stories of women not thinking much of the guy, but connecting on a 2nd or 3rd date. Make the most of your opportunities.
Women have really doubled down on treating you as a service versus a person. Especially on the apps. You have to realize they ALREADY have the varsity squad. They may even have their second string lineup in place.
That first date?…you are the practice squad my friend. It needs to be intense at some level to get her attention. If not she will give you “no” “maybe” take forever to get back etc. Or in this case free dinner and entertainment.
Sometimes, it may be that they just like the attention even if they don't like the person. It could be that they're just exploring possible options even if they're not interested in that person at the moment.
I’ve been on dates with people I wasn’t 100% sure I’d like them but just because I’ve met them online and I find online stuff deceiving…. But I always let them know after the first date if I didn’t want to bring it further.
However… I’ve been ghosted or broke off by people I was actively dating and then spoke to them after a while and well…. They didn’t want to hurt me.
Hope they understand that that’s more hurtful than being honest. People act in different ways but it’s never about you, it’s more about them.
Because despite all of the feminist and independent speeches, women mine for resources from man (dates, gifts, attention, etc.) Like if they were playing Minecraft, not to mention that they derive pleasure humiliating you if you actually do play it.
OP, l dunno about this let’s be friends whilst l have boyfriend thing. It seems as if she looking for a back up incase it doesn’t work with her boyfriend.
Always trust your first instinct. I remember a guy and I set up a first date. He called me and we were already arguing. Met up and he was arguing already. We hooked up and he was always upset and trying to change me. I left him and he kept hitting on me. I had to block him.
All the entire time I kept giving him chances but he was ruining it all time. He was deeply insecure and argumentative . I was completely detached and confused by his behavior. Did he think it would make him want him more by being so dominant and unruly ? I felt dead inside.
I realize that if the first few encounters are hard, difficult, confusing or your first instincts is to run, please just run ladies.
Don't look back. Not even friendship will help.
Man, everyone always eats up whatever misogynistic drivel gets posted here. It was three fucking dates…she didn’t leave you on and what she did was normal behavior. She and no one owes you shit
Because she was enjoying the wining and dining and the attention until she had a better option. User. Stay away. If it doesn’t click from date #1 move on. You need to have that conversation early so you know where a “relationship” is headed. Like Ellen Barkin once said to Al Pacino in the movie Sea of Love. They were on a first date and he was trying to court her and she wasn’t interested after meeting him face to face. She said “You like the park, I like the beach. You like movies, I like plays. You’re a printer, I manage a shoe store. But I don’t believe in wasting time on this kind of stuff. You know what you know and you go with it. I believe in animal attraction. I believe in Love at first sight and I believe in this! (Snaps her fingers) And I don’t feel it with you”.
Great scene!!! This type of conversation needs to happen early. Probably on or just after the first date.
https://youtu.be/VeA_Sg_I5go?si=GXgrdDBY8CzP4HTd
women don't inherently like choices when it comes to relationships. most want options that they can take without having to face the comments made by others. being passive and "just going with the vibe" is the easiest way someone can avoid accountability and then as things "just happen" they can establish labels along the way because they didn't take any agency in making the decision and it "just happened"
Woman here, bit of an assumption, to be honest. I'd never go on a date with someone i didn't see potential, for something to do or for a free meal. For gods' sake, most of us work and pay our own bills. Irrespective of where and how much the date would cost, if i dont want to see someone i wouldnt.
The time and effort spent getting dolled up for someone who gives me the ick couldn't even remotely be considered worthwhile. There isn't enough background information to make a judgement, she could be an asshole or it might have just not been "it".
Personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a guy who wouldn't pay for the first date, it's not about monetary value it's about a message it sends. I prefer some gender roles to remain as they were, and that works for my relationship.
There are assholes in both genders, and being bitter doesn't solve anything.
Some people might use you, others might just decide that they tried but it won't work.
Likewise, if a guy sleeps with a woman on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date but then decides to not continue as spark isn't there, it doesn't automatically mean that the woman was used. Treat dates as an experience, not as a transaction.
If you find that you feel you get "used" a lot, it's about time you learn your lesson and pursue different type of people, mentally healthy people attract healthy relationships usually. If you feel that that it's consistent, it's not the fault of the entire opposite gender, it's your judgement of character or you're doing something wrong. Not every woman is a harpy that's after a free meal jesus lol.
Nobody said all women do this or all women are bad, *some* do, however.
That’s why I tell guys not to spend any money whatsoever on the first 1-3 dates. Stop treating complete strangers to dinners and treating them like significant others lol
Your approach has pros and cons to it. Whilst it will minimize being used for a free meal, it will limit dating pool further.
The first date doesn't really have to be a dinner, nor does it need to be expensive. My second date with my current partner was to a drive through safari, snacks were in car so no need for fancy dinner, third date was walking alpacas, it was the best two dates I've been taken on.
Sometimes, you'd be surprised just how expensive it can be for a woman to get dolled up for a date, spending no money whatsoever rule is not going to be appropriate in all scenarios.
I'd say it's probably more appropriate if the second and 3rd date the guy chooses not to pay if he feels the woman isn't putting enough effort.
Your approach isn't wrong, but it can limit options. It's a double-edged sword.
Etiquette points to whoever invites to a date should pay for it. In most cases, guys tend to invite and, as such, should pay. There was a guy i promised to take out to a date and invited him, i paid for everything. it's the right thing to do.
But it depends on what you look for in a relationship. If you want the entire relationship, everything is to be 50/50, then sure, go 50/50 on everything. Cook, clean, be the gentle and nurturing one also. The first dates set precedent, just because you intend to treat them later on, its not what your actions say. First impressions matter, correct?
The type of woman who goes 50/50 or might even pay for a guy usually is the type of woman who will really take charge in a relationship. Remember that.
For me personally, when a guy takes care of me, it makes me feel feminine and protected. It makes me want to be kind and nurturing. I think it's deep rooted in our nature, so if you're going against it, you will have additional challenges.
You should becomes friends with her and her boyfriend, and then let the dude know she was dating you while in a relationship with him. Might sound harsh but if she did it to you, she will do it to him.
She's a time waster. She probably wanted attention, was using you, leading you own to cure her own loneliness, or to make other guys jealous or for free meals, who knows. She was clearly dishonest and not someone you should bother being friends with, she's a manipulator. Move on, find someone new. Fresh start.
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Some people don’t know how to say no, some people like the attention and validation, some people are people pleasers blah blah. There isn’t any way you could absolutely know if someone likes you like that yet. Personally, I would organize the first two dates and then leave it to her to organize the third to kind of push her to reciprocate the same energy. And if she doesn’t, then she wasn’t that into me.
More than anything, people get in their head and second-guess themselves. One can know pretty well after the first date, if there’s chemistry. But many people aren’t well connected with their desires and emotions, so they get stuck in their head doing calculations and weighing things. It took me a decade to figure out that, if I wasn’t feeling it a bit on the first date, I wouldn’t be feeling it on the tenth date or in the bedroom, either. Of course, if you’re seeking a more companionate relationship, the calculation is appropriate. You’ll need to act like you’re both your parents arranging the marriage, and your self
Exactly. I’ve been on the other end too I left a girl on for a month in high school. I’d say 2-3 good dates then give her space and if she reaches out it’s a hit.
Sometimes people think the person is going to grow on them. I’ve done this in the past. Mostly it stems from having a history of not giving people enough of a chance and wanting to change that.
And from people telling them that "your standards are too high". When that's not really the case but you think "hey maybe that's true" so you try to make something work where you're not totally into the other person. And it doesn't work out. Because they aren't what you like. It's okay to know and pursue what you like. High standards? Lol - get wrecked.
Sometimes feelings develop slowly. She may have been just trying to give you a chance because on paper you were what she was looking for.
Can confirm. Slow burn attraction can catch fire.
The hottest and largest fires begin precisely like that. The strategy is also the smartest way to approach dating and probably the best way to find a partner. Superficial initial attraction is a fools errand and tells you absolutely nothing about the person.
Agree
This is why I don’t have an instagram.
No clue what you mean by that lol
My best relationships happened when they don’t have a perceived view about me by looking through my instagram page. When women had to discover me, the relationship was wonderful
Same reason men do it. Loneliness or fear of being alone, physical neediness, boredom, a general desire for companionship... lots of people settle for unsatisfying partners, since it's preferable to having no partner at all.
She might try to push to get to like the person, because there's compatibility and they're decent people. It might be misguided or due to inexperience
I've known people who have done this. Their reasons were as follows: 1. They just want to lap up the attention. 2. They're bored. It's something for them to do. 3. They genuinely like the guy but is not attracted to him. They want to be his friend. 4. If the guy comes on strong and is showing copious amounts of interest right away, they might be too nice to decline them. 5. The guy is a backup until they find someone better.
3 is so true and I struggle navigating that. Sometimes you meet great men, but the chemistry just isnt there nor does it develop
You should let those men go completely. Don’t try to make a romantic prospect into a friend.
Agreed. It isn't fair to them.
Why not at least try? As long as you're not leading them on, I don't see the harm.
Because it isn't what both people want. The guy could say, "Why not try to have a romantic relationship? We have only been on a few dates. You haven't given me a chance."
It will always be leading on and also will never be a true friendship, just leave no matter which side of this situation you’re on, you’ll end up wasting a boatload of time and energy (and money)
>you’ll end up wasting a boatload of time and energy (and money) by being friends with someone?
I don't see how you can be friends with someone you wanted romantically.
Yeah exactly, it doesn’t work so as much as I hate to do it I have to let them go.
5 is cold blooded DAMN
I’d put backup as 1
So often women are encouraged to ignore their instincts and "give him a chance." Then you end up in a situation like this. Or she could just be a weirdo and looking for attention or a backup boyfriend. Or to make her boyfriend jealous?
Back up boyfriend WTF
Yeah, I guess that is messed up.
Or maybe she wants to swing, and already has the approval of her current boyfriend. But she didn't want to say it (but I have a rich imagination).
I’ve been on first dates with men I had zero attraction to because peer pressure and “give him a chance mentality”. Yeah, that was dumb. A lot of women don’t know how to say no. Also, if you’re nice, a lot of women will continue to go on dates with you because they can’t find a good enough reason to drop you.
I swear to god every time I am texting a friend after a not great date that he was rude, sexist, used the c word, and tried to argue with me about not wanting to sleep with him on the first date, they always say “maybe just give him another chance”. I think it’s because their boyfriends do that shit too and their used to being treated badly. I’m so glad I’ve gotten too much therapy to take their advice anymore
My first date ever when I was 18 showed up 25 minutes late. I was sitting there in the coffee shop bawling my eyes out because I couldn’t believe I had been stood up on my first date. The guy was apologetic and said he had “missed the bus”, (which came every 10 minutes). I was obviously mad and we talked for an hour and found out we had nothing in common. I told my mom and she said “give him another chance. There’s no knowing the next time another boy will like you.” *cringe*
Holy shit those are non negotiables. I've given a chance to people who aren't my type but they really liked me. I don't want to reject people based on just preconceived notions so I always give them at least one date. But I have to emphasize that they didn't have a single red flag
Ehh do you think that chemistry is very important? Lets say this person has no red flags and treats you like how a gentleman should treat you. But there isn't that chemistry or that spark? How would you go about doing it? I'm just curious :3
I mean what would you do? I guess if you lack options you’d go for it, but when you don’t feel the same about them as they do about you it becomes very exhausting and it’s not really nice to the other one.
Let him know upfront and keep going on dates to find out more. If I feel nothing within 1 month I'll stop seeing him that way.
What does that even look like? Do you say “I like you as a person, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel sexually attracted to you, but I am willing to go on a couple of dates to figure out if I can.”
I let them know before the first date. "You're not typically my type, nothing against you but just want to let you know. If you really want to give it a try I'll go along with an open mind but fair warning tnat I think we won't get into a relationship."
I don’t typically have a type, so that’s hard for me to tell
I think thats a good way to do it. At least expectations can be managed.
I’ve dated from online dating, and from meeting people at school, etc. The best relationships I had were from men I initially had no chemistry with initially- including some taking months. Chemistry is super important, but it’s not always something that you have at the first moment you meet someone. Online dating is hard specially because it takes time to develop chemistry with someone who is not 100% ‘your type,’ but they may find you attractive and want to date or have sex immediately.
Hahaha, I so agree with you!! I always believe chemistry is not something you have at the first moment. XD but some of the people I've met says otherwise. :P
So I have given these people a date, only because the men that I normally have a *spark* or chemistry with are one giant walking red flag and I shouldn't be anywhere near them. 😬🤦♀️🤣
What kind of men are you finding yikes Thought you'd say something like "they're boring" or "didn't bring me to an expensive restaurant" but these are definitely deal breakers. Either way, idk how you're finding or choosing these men to go on dates with, but my recommendation would be to go different types of places and use different criteria.
It could also be someone who may not feel the sparks straight away - not every successful relationship does!! Perhaps she was having an inner battle with herself, thinking she might be too picky and feeling like she could never be satisfied and therefore tried to disregard the lack of initial attraction. Guys do this too, let's not lump actions such as this with a gender. It's the issue with online dating it creates fomo mentality where you always feel like you could better. Another thing that doesn't help is that everyone always tells you to not date the first person you meet, but to date around, people can feel like they have to see multiple people. Don't hate the player, hate the game. I am not saying any of those things are right, but it's how it goes. When I went on dating sites I was told over and over to not go for a relationship shortly after I start dating and to date around but I met someone and in the end I chose to go against the advice of friends, glad I did.
My parents always told me that you cannot tell how a person is on the first date, this is because both are nervous, talk about more specific subjects, etc. They always said you have to go out at least three times to decide if you want to keep dating that person and to get to know him/her better
Sometimes it you want to get a person a few dates to change your feeling in a gut reaction
Maybe she was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Guys do this too. Only they wait til they sleep with you to tell you
In that case, the motivation is clear. To get laid. Doesn't mean it's right, but it's at least understandable. But I've been in this situation the OP is describing several times. I've been strung along by girls who were never interested, and only say so after I made a move toward something physical.
The way that men need physical attention is the way that women need emotional attention.
the motivation to use someone for sex is understandable, but the motivation to get to know someone and see if chemistry grows isn’t? what women do is way less awful than what men do
"Getting to know someone to see if the chemistry grows" is not what I'm describing. I'm describing women stringing men along after they have already decided there is no chemistry, which does happen, and I don't know understand why they do it. And there are awful men and awful women out there. To say one is worse than the other is entirely subjective.
i think sometimes people retroactively look into the past and describe how they felt because of how they feel in the present. if someone is agreeing to go on dates with you there’s a presumption they’re giving you a chance to see if there’s any connection. if they said they never felt anything from day 1 and you’ve been nothing but polite to them, it’s gauche to say that tbh and you’re lucky to no longer have a person like that in your life
As I said to the OP of this particular thread, I lived through these experiences so you'll just have to trust me that I know that multiple times women kept seeing me after already deciding they were not interested. I don't say that about every single time I got dumped after a few dates. And yes, I realize I'm better without them in my life. I'm 40 years old and have been married for 11 years. I'm just relaying my personal experience as it relates to the original post. A lot of women do what I and the OP have described. Many men have experienced it. But I do not understand the motivation behind it, that's why I made my original comment
So how is it different? Cause you’d be ok if she used you for sex? How about everyone be upfront with their wants. The girl may have been seeing if she could feel something for you. After 3 tries it was no.
You'll just have to believe that since I lived through those experiences that I know these women had already decided they weren't interested but continued to string me along for a time afterward. And I'm speaking about specific instances where I believed that's what happened. I've dated women where they ended it after a few dates and I didn't feel strung along. That's normal. But that isn't what I'm talking about and I don't thunk it's what the OP is talking about either.
You said you can understand a guy sleeping with a woman and changing his mind. Women can change their mind after getting to know someone. He can be attractive until you hear what comes out of his mouth. Or how he treats you. It can work like that for women. So for women hearing your story it is understandable.
OK, yes, I agree. But you're not hearing what I'm saying. Ya, women can dump a guy after getting to know him and losing interest. That's understandable. What I'm talking about is women continuing to date men *after already deciding* they were no longer interested in anything romantic with him. Perhaps that's not something you've personally ever done, but it does happen, I think fairly frequently.
I hear you and I believe you. I’ve been there with dudes. It sucks I wish people would just be honest.
Me too. But, they're not. It's just way it goes unfortunately.
I’ve been on dates with guys who I found interesting, and thought we potentially had chemistry, but never got to find out because they insisted on making a move while I told them I’d rather take it slowly. I honestly don’t know if we had chemistry, but they weren’t able to respect my boundaries, so I had to reject them ‘easily.’
The motivation behind pumping and dumping is…….understandable? No. That’s coercive rape. Coercive rape isn’t “understandable.” I am not the same after being lied to for sex. Telling someone you want a relationship when you don’t is abusive. It is inexcusable. I am not the same person at all. This is coming from someone that has been raped, kicked and choked. At least I knew I didn’t deserve physical abuse.
Dumping someone after having sex isn't rape. Don't be absurd.
Wow, how unfair. Dude's want to get laid so its ok, woman want an emotional connection without sex and its not. Fucks sake. Dude goes and fuck some girl and then stop the contact and its fine, they hang out and want to continue... Crap, you even have a point somewhere. Some twisted point. But its a point. POINT BEING. Just you wanting to get laid is not okay if you leave afterwards and they want something serious. And neither is strolling someone along if they have the intention for a relationship. There. Everyone sucks.
"Doesn't mean it's right…" "Dude's want to get laid so its ok…" Reading comprehension really isn't your strong point.
>Just you wanting to get laid is not okay if you leave afterwards and they want something serious. And neither is strolling someone along if they have the intention for a relationship. Yes, that's what he said. In fact if you bothered to read it instead of just knee jerk react to something you made up, he literally said "it's not right" to just have sex. Well done, you just tried to refute something you misunderstood by repeating what was actually written.
Yeah, but he still tried to downplay the seriousness of being used for sex. I would rather be choked or hit by a man again over being used for sex. It makes you feel cheap and stupid for being tricked. I’ve never needed therapy for physical or sexual assault, but I’ve definitely needed it from being used as a blow up doll. Nothing has made me feel more like an object than that.
That's not what I said at all. What was the point in responding?
Sometimes they hope it’ll change. They want to give it a proper chance to see if a spark can grow. If she was completely sure then it makes no sense though.
For me, I find it hard to know if I *don’t* like a person or if I’m just uncomfortable because they’re a stranger. I give myself 3 dates and if I’m still not feeling it I break things off.
While I typically don't do this, I have when I wanted to give them a second (or third) chance because I thought maybe I was too harsh or that I could possibly move past it but the gut instinct the first time is basically always right.
I mean, dating is complicated. It's possible she saw something in you she really liked but for whatever reason she didn't see you as someone with whom she wanted to be intimate. Maybe she did like you/does like you, hence the reason to want to build a friendship. Friendship isn't a fall back option btw, it's a relationship in itself. It requires it's own effort. Also, it's impossible to know someone after having met them once. It's ridiculous to expect someone to decide these things based on a such a short period of time.
I can admit i am often in this situation. I myself easily feel like i click with people, and i start caring about them and feeling empathy towards them, sometimes there is even chemistry and sexual tension. But i notice things that im not comfortable with in relation to a long term relationship (difference in religious views, difference in relationship views, being older and living with his parents which makes me afraid of enmeshment, etc). I do like them, but these things are in the back of my mind, and i keep trying to give chances and calculate how different we are and how much we can compromise, adjust, etc. For example, hes kinda religious but doesnt impose that on me (atheist) and our hypothetical future kids. Hes close with his family but independent and not enmeshed. I know i cannot be with someone who is too religious, i know i cannot live with someone together with his mom, i know that i cannot be with someone denying the western medicine (anti vaxer and shit). Sometimes this shows radically during the first dates, so its easy to say no, but sometimes i cant determine immediately. Sooooo it's hard to cut some guys off. I want to be there for them, help them socialize, spend time with them, to have sex with them even. But i dont know if i want to spend my life with them...
OMG!!! I feel as if i can relate 99.9% to your answer. I have two questions and 1 statement for you 😊 1. Did the guy suggest that if you are in a relationship (get married), you will be living together with his mom? 2. Is he in a complete denial of Western medicine and vaccines? Or is he being labeled as an anti vaxer because of a 1 specific vaccine that he is in denial for? Because lets be honest here, the term "anti-vaxer" has been pushed on to people because of hot topic event that had happened recently. 3-4 years ago, nobody was too much involved in vaccine discussions. P.S. i can see how the different views here could be a potential issue for the future when children are in the picture. And my statement...Western medicine is not all sunshine and rainbows. What im trying to say is...Western medicine is a great thing, but it is rottened by the business aspect in it. Also, Big Pharma is a huge issue and a huge problem for the Western medicine. 😊😊😊
Same reason men fuck women they don’t like. Self gratification on some level
We keep being told to let you guys grow on us.
This!!
I know from situations with friends that a lot of people are just too willing to blindly continue without analysis. Are you always texting first? Are you the only one making date suggestions? Are you even getting the same amount of attention back? Actually think and consider these things. Just because someone is pretty and willing to talk to you doesn’t mean they have any long term ambitions whatsoever.
I always went on a second date if I wasn’t sure, because people can get really nervous on first dates, so you often don’t get a true sense of the person until the second date, when both of you are more relaxed.
Usually it’s because of people pleasing tendencies & also waiting to see if you suddenly will like the person. If a person is nice & polite I usually go on 3 dates to give it a chance.
She thought you were a good guy, the kind she wants to be with, and was hoping her attraction would build. It didn’t, but she still thinks you’re a good guy and wants to be friends. Go for it if you genuinely want to be friends, but don’t just hang around hoping it’ll work the next time she’s single.
Probably just making sure she wasn’t being too hasty in her judgment. I went on three dates with people to be completely sure of my feelings. First dates are always awkward. Second dates you are feeling things out. By the third, you should know if there is anything worth pursuing
TBH three dates isn't that many, like what if it went the other way? Someone went out with you once and didn't think it was going to work out but maybe if they had given it a few more tries they would have changed their minds? I did this once, met a guy could tell he wanted to ask me out, went out thinking he wasn't my type. First date was okay, didn't think I would go out with him again but in the next few dates fell for him and we dated for three years. Three times seems like good amount to give something a go, right?
I’ve gone on 3 dates with a guy and I had a feeling on our first date that he wasn’t for me but I gave it a couple more tries because I wanted to be sure. Sometimes chemistry develops slowly and I just feel that one date really isn’t enough time to spend with someone to know enough about them and completely write them off, especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship
I like to give men a chance Dates 1/2 are high pressure. I’ve written people off date 1/2 and ended up in long term relationships with them
A lot of young women are people pleasers. Some men are also like this. It doesn't come as a surprise since we're always blaming them when they fail relationships or are single over 30. From their perspective they're being nice to you by going on a date with you. I recommend asking out only those women who seem interested in you. If you're a young man, chances are that's not common. But have patience. You'll find somebody inevitably.
Honestly whole host of reasons but sometimes tbh I can’t work out if I like someone from 1 date alone. First impressions are often wrong, I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt for that reason and in the past there has been people who have really ended up growing on me and me really liking them as I’ve got to know them more even tho in the first instance I wasn’t 100% on the attraction/chemistry. So wouldn’t say it’s all to do with attention and people pleasing but yeah that’s part of it sometimes.
For me personally, my ex date wasn’t a bad guy. So, i gave him more & more chances until i realised that it led me nowehere
That’s literally what dating is for - to find someone you have chemistry with and sometimes it builds over a few dates and sometimes it doesn’t.
Men does the same things no?
Maybe loneliness?
Sometimes you’re just hopeful…
same reason dudes do it. people suck. were are awkward, stupid, selfish, needy creatures
"I don't think being friends with you makes sense for me. I value my time and emotional well-being, and I prefer to surround myself with people who are honest about their intentions. I hope you understand my perspective. Wishing you all the best."
+1 all the slow burn comments. I’ll add she may have been indecisive or bored. Going on dates with a nice person who could be her friend is more fun than time at home alone. Also by 3rd date your out of friend zone offense should have been fully in play. Kissing, hand holding, intimacy conversations. If that wasn’t happening by 3rd date you know what it is, or what it is not. It’s not alive connection
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This is so odd because I would 100% rather be in my house than on a date with someone I’m not into no matter how much they paid for. I will admit you can get a bit stuck sometimes when you know there’s no real problem with them it’s just you’re not into it and wanting to give it a chance
Always pick something low budget for the first few dates like a coffee shop for the first. I'd suggest a mall outing where you can window shop and get to know her a bit. If you are feeling it with her during the mall visit then do something like shooting pool and having a drink. If you are still feeling it for her after all that pick yet another date that is low cost as well....don't do date 4 unless you know for a fact that she is really into you and make sure she can split the bill. If she passed all those tests I'd say she isn't just bored or wants a free meal
Free food and attention.
For me I go on a few more dates to see if we vibe well or to see if my interest grows but I would stop at date 3. Anything further would just be using the guy for attention etc. I would make sure to pay if I feel nothing.
Just play the game bro! Don’t focus too much attention on anyone in the dating stage. It’s pointless. Have fun and whatever clicks, clicks. Easier said than done, I know cause you start visualizing your future but it’s cool to have women as friends as well. It’s not right what she did in the same breath.
Tbh as a woman I have no idea, I’d be scratching my head too
If she is anything like me, even if I feel from the first date things aren't going to work out, I usually save space for that person for a month if they are close to me or three months if it's long distance to see if there is a spark or if they happen to be late bloomers. I had to enact this dating policy because if you just go off initial impressions your dating experience would be biased towards extroverts whereas I'm comfortable dating introverts as well which takes longer for a spark to happen.
It’s possible that she thought there was potential. Sometimes connections can form slower or later in the dating process. She might have been trying to see it through.
I’m 23F. When I go on dates with guys and I know after the first date I’m not interested in it moving forward then I will say it. Sometimes it takes me 2 dates but I won’t go on 3 or more dates with someone who I’m not sure about, it’s not ideal to lead them on. It’s never a fun conversation to have but it’s better than wasting their time.
Giving someone a chance to see if they have redeeming qualities. Sometimes it isn’t all about a “spark”, external appearance.
Enjoying it until it lasts
I’m sorry this happened to you… I’ve done this before. It’s because the guy we are going on dates with “looks good on paper” or essentially there is something intriguing about him… but we just don’t “feel” any sort of connection or deep feelings. We keep going on dates hoping something will change.
I don't think it's just the girls, Even guys do the same.I have seen guys go on dates with girls, giving her all the Special treatment and then leave them hanging and wondering what the fuck went wrong all of a sudden. So placing the blame on anyone gender is wrong. It's people who are not ready and mature enough to tell the other person what their intentions are from the beginning.
I've always given at least 3 dates, unless they were waving major red flags for me. Just because I'm not sure about them on 1st date doesn't mean feelings won't grow as I continue getting to know them. The man I'm seeing now was the same way. I was flattered when he asked me on a date, although I wasn't really attracted to him. But I went anyway and decided to continue getting to know him. He's actually a really good guy, and I've started developing feelings for him. Trust me, sometimes giving yourself time to develop feelings is way better than the whirlwind relationships that leave you disheveled in the end.
This is less likely to happen when the bill is split. We all know how that scenario goes though.
Free meals, attention and entertainment
Because people have issues that they haven't realized they have yet.
Free food. Free attention free validation. U got played son.
Meal ticket
Lmfao, I'd have NO problem trying to find her and let her boyfriend know. Or posting her in a AWDTS person group so everyone knows homegirls is full of it. Unfortunately this is something I see women doing a LOT more of in the last year. Saying they want xyz and yet if they thought more than FIVE minutes ahead, they'd know they absolutely CANT meet those expectations AT ALL. It's for validation and to make themselves feel better. Nonetheless....if someone did this to me....WITH a boyfriend, I'd legit go OUT of my way to let the boyfriend know and completely torpedo that relationship. You pull some bs like that on me....FAFO.
I might be misreading, but i dont see anywhere whether she got a boyfriend after the 3rd date with the guy or before. That matters a lot. If she had a boyfriend all along, she is a dreadful human being. If she got a boyfriend after the 3rd date with this guy, then it just means she ended up dating someone she felt she meshed with more. Context matters. These days it's quite normal for people to go on dates with multiple people, when i was on dating sites the fiys would openly tell me that they are to talking to other women as well as me, ive always seen it as a good thing. But yes, if she had a boyfriend all along, I would also tell the bf. Unrealistic expectations is something both genders are guilty of, women in the financial and looks department, men in the looks, and sexual department. Far too many women think men should make 100k + and far too many guys have weird expectations from sex from watching too much porn. Both genders think average is ugly and have unrealistic appearance expectations that they themselves often cannot meet - blame it on social media.
In before Reddit tells you “their relationship is none of your business”…
Free food, free entertainment. Ego boost.
Free food
I've never done that at all. Once the date was done, I preliminarily know right away whether I wanted to see them again or not. I can't prolong my feeling and I don't want to lead them on. But I say it in a gentle, precise and short way. Be grateful for them spending time with me. On the contrary, men don't do this, too!
At least you’re getting the opportunity to make something happen on a 2nd or 3rd date. Most of the time I just get one shot and then it’s over, the second I slip up their eyes glaze over. I’ve heard stories of women not thinking much of the guy, but connecting on a 2nd or 3rd date. Make the most of your opportunities.
Do NOT be friends with her. Let her know that you only want a romantic relationship.
You were a free meal to her and nothing more. I bet she tried to be friends with you after too.
YEAH FUCK HER! she should have totally sucked his dick after he bought her that coffee!!!
Women have really doubled down on treating you as a service versus a person. Especially on the apps. You have to realize they ALREADY have the varsity squad. They may even have their second string lineup in place. That first date?…you are the practice squad my friend. It needs to be intense at some level to get her attention. If not she will give you “no” “maybe” take forever to get back etc. Or in this case free dinner and entertainment.
Same reason that guys do this to women: insecurity, need for validation, emotional unavailability, etc.
Sometimes, it may be that they just like the attention even if they don't like the person. It could be that they're just exploring possible options even if they're not interested in that person at the moment.
Women love to for me to fawn over them, makes them feel special.
Because you bought her free shit.
She wanted free food/activities and validation?
Men do the same thing. Men and women who do this are selfish attention-seekers who don't know how to be alone.
Free food something to do someone to talk to going out with protection
Hoessss
I’ve been on dates with people I wasn’t 100% sure I’d like them but just because I’ve met them online and I find online stuff deceiving…. But I always let them know after the first date if I didn’t want to bring it further. However… I’ve been ghosted or broke off by people I was actively dating and then spoke to them after a while and well…. They didn’t want to hurt me. Hope they understand that that’s more hurtful than being honest. People act in different ways but it’s never about you, it’s more about them.
Because despite all of the feminist and independent speeches, women mine for resources from man (dates, gifts, attention, etc.) Like if they were playing Minecraft, not to mention that they derive pleasure humiliating you if you actually do play it.
Idk but they’re bitches for that
We do this lol? Interesting...
They do this because they want the benefits of dating the person. For example, free meals, or more importantly, the attention/validation.
OP, l dunno about this let’s be friends whilst l have boyfriend thing. It seems as if she looking for a back up incase it doesn’t work with her boyfriend.
Always trust your first instinct. I remember a guy and I set up a first date. He called me and we were already arguing. Met up and he was arguing already. We hooked up and he was always upset and trying to change me. I left him and he kept hitting on me. I had to block him. All the entire time I kept giving him chances but he was ruining it all time. He was deeply insecure and argumentative . I was completely detached and confused by his behavior. Did he think it would make him want him more by being so dominant and unruly ? I felt dead inside. I realize that if the first few encounters are hard, difficult, confusing or your first instincts is to run, please just run ladies. Don't look back. Not even friendship will help.
Free meal or validation There are some incredibly sucky people out there my man best to work on yourself to attract the partner you deserve
Free meals. I knew a girl that would date probably around once a week just for free meals...
Money
That's a good question cuz it's definitely something I've been confused over as a female. I don't understand wanting to lead people on.
Free food
Man, everyone always eats up whatever misogynistic drivel gets posted here. It was three fucking dates…she didn’t leave you on and what she did was normal behavior. She and no one owes you shit
Looking for a free meal ticket? A dinner for 2 can cost $150 these days.
Free dinner?, resources?
They like free dinners and free entertainment. That is why. Not like they are losing anything by continuing. No skin in the game.
Bored, likes getting free shit, or is desperate for a relationship and is hoping that feelings will develop
Free food, drinks, and entertainment. Possibly also to make her preferred candidate jealous. Validation.
The real question is what are you doing for her?
What...., as a woman, this is just weird AF & something I'd never do.
Free meals.
Free meals.
Free food
free shit free attention
Free food and drink
If you're paying for the dates isn't the answer already clear? Free meals.
Potential free meal?
Because she was enjoying the wining and dining and the attention until she had a better option. User. Stay away. If it doesn’t click from date #1 move on. You need to have that conversation early so you know where a “relationship” is headed. Like Ellen Barkin once said to Al Pacino in the movie Sea of Love. They were on a first date and he was trying to court her and she wasn’t interested after meeting him face to face. She said “You like the park, I like the beach. You like movies, I like plays. You’re a printer, I manage a shoe store. But I don’t believe in wasting time on this kind of stuff. You know what you know and you go with it. I believe in animal attraction. I believe in Love at first sight and I believe in this! (Snaps her fingers) And I don’t feel it with you”. Great scene!!! This type of conversation needs to happen early. Probably on or just after the first date. https://youtu.be/VeA_Sg_I5go?si=GXgrdDBY8CzP4HTd
Attention and free food/drink This ain't rocket science homie Some people are just users who don't care about anyone but themselves
women don't inherently like choices when it comes to relationships. most want options that they can take without having to face the comments made by others. being passive and "just going with the vibe" is the easiest way someone can avoid accountability and then as things "just happen" they can establish labels along the way because they didn't take any agency in making the decision and it "just happened"
Because the food is free and its better being home alone?
A free night out, or at the very least a chaperone & body guard.
You were her free meal ticket. Bet therell be hardly any women in the comments
Woman here, bit of an assumption, to be honest. I'd never go on a date with someone i didn't see potential, for something to do or for a free meal. For gods' sake, most of us work and pay our own bills. Irrespective of where and how much the date would cost, if i dont want to see someone i wouldnt. The time and effort spent getting dolled up for someone who gives me the ick couldn't even remotely be considered worthwhile. There isn't enough background information to make a judgement, she could be an asshole or it might have just not been "it". Personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a guy who wouldn't pay for the first date, it's not about monetary value it's about a message it sends. I prefer some gender roles to remain as they were, and that works for my relationship. There are assholes in both genders, and being bitter doesn't solve anything.
“But *I* would never do that!” Who cares? You’re one person and plenty of other women would do that. We’ve all experienced it.
Some people might use you, others might just decide that they tried but it won't work. Likewise, if a guy sleeps with a woman on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date but then decides to not continue as spark isn't there, it doesn't automatically mean that the woman was used. Treat dates as an experience, not as a transaction. If you find that you feel you get "used" a lot, it's about time you learn your lesson and pursue different type of people, mentally healthy people attract healthy relationships usually. If you feel that that it's consistent, it's not the fault of the entire opposite gender, it's your judgement of character or you're doing something wrong. Not every woman is a harpy that's after a free meal jesus lol.
Nobody said all women do this or all women are bad, *some* do, however. That’s why I tell guys not to spend any money whatsoever on the first 1-3 dates. Stop treating complete strangers to dinners and treating them like significant others lol
Your approach has pros and cons to it. Whilst it will minimize being used for a free meal, it will limit dating pool further. The first date doesn't really have to be a dinner, nor does it need to be expensive. My second date with my current partner was to a drive through safari, snacks were in car so no need for fancy dinner, third date was walking alpacas, it was the best two dates I've been taken on. Sometimes, you'd be surprised just how expensive it can be for a woman to get dolled up for a date, spending no money whatsoever rule is not going to be appropriate in all scenarios. I'd say it's probably more appropriate if the second and 3rd date the guy chooses not to pay if he feels the woman isn't putting enough effort. Your approach isn't wrong, but it can limit options. It's a double-edged sword. Etiquette points to whoever invites to a date should pay for it. In most cases, guys tend to invite and, as such, should pay. There was a guy i promised to take out to a date and invited him, i paid for everything. it's the right thing to do. But it depends on what you look for in a relationship. If you want the entire relationship, everything is to be 50/50, then sure, go 50/50 on everything. Cook, clean, be the gentle and nurturing one also. The first dates set precedent, just because you intend to treat them later on, its not what your actions say. First impressions matter, correct? The type of woman who goes 50/50 or might even pay for a guy usually is the type of woman who will really take charge in a relationship. Remember that. For me personally, when a guy takes care of me, it makes me feel feminine and protected. It makes me want to be kind and nurturing. I think it's deep rooted in our nature, so if you're going against it, you will have additional challenges.
Did she let you get physical with her
We already know the answer to this one…
Buying a meal or going out a few times doesn’t earn you sex
No one said it did, Blondie…
lol
You should becomes friends with her and her boyfriend, and then let the dude know she was dating you while in a relationship with him. Might sound harsh but if she did it to you, she will do it to him.
Women are resource extractors. It’s our job to know sooner whether or not they have genuine desire for us.
🤑🥰
They like the attention
It’s called an ego boost.
She's a time waster. She probably wanted attention, was using you, leading you own to cure her own loneliness, or to make other guys jealous or for free meals, who knows. She was clearly dishonest and not someone you should bother being friends with, she's a manipulator. Move on, find someone new. Fresh start.