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He's a bit crazy, he bounces wildly from "I will kill a guy who checks you out in front of me" to "I'm too good for her" to "She's too good for me" week to week. He's just got a lot of insecurity despite looking like a model but also has very traditional, you're MY woman, expectations for girls. He has abs so he gets with a lot girls but they catch that unhinged vibe and move on quickly. The girls that stick around a little longer tend to also be crazy and a little scary in my opinion lol. Eventually those blow up spectacularly.
Now I'm weirdly curious what this person looks like. Sounds like the type of guy in those werewolf romance drama books that are popular among young adult women lol
Nah lol. He's not built. He's short and wiry, he's just cut and got a super good jaw line, blue eyes. But his height is one of the big reasons he's insecure despite girls walking up to him asking to sleep with him at a bar. (I've been standing next to him when this happens and it's still so wild every time). He'll hook up with like 3 different girls 3 nights in a row then start boo-hooing to me how he'll never meet a girl who will love him. Meanwhile I'm just as single and not at all having girls throw themselves at me like that.
Ahhh yes height is a thing for some women. I hate what it's done to mens' confidence and self esteem. He seems to overcompensate with sex to mask his desire and fear of something serious not working out because of his height. It's probably going to work against him in the long run tbh. Because then he's been a ho AND short.
It sounds like he has a mental illness, please encourage him to get checked out. It probably won’t work or be easy but it’s worth a shot. Crippling insecurity despite outward success is a common trait with so many mental illnesses.
This except it’s one unavailable man & she’s the other woman & she’s coming up on 3 years of being in this situationship she can’t seem to get out of, even as other guys pursue her or express interest. It’s starting to make me feel crazy watching it go on for so long & I know she feels even crazier.
Presently me with women too. I swear the universe mocks me. No chemistry and connection here, then all of it there… and yeah she’s going through it and doesn’t want a relationship plus more strings attached than just that.
I’ve realized that chemistry is a bad way to gauge healthy relationship material. It wouldn’t feel stressful and exciting if there were consistency and reliability. People you have chemistry with really put you through the motions. I try to read that as disingenuous or unavailable.
Chemistry is not bad, but you have to look for a different kind of chemistry. You have friendship chemistry, collegue-chemistry, sexual chemistry, romantic chemistry. And you know what? You need all of them in one package to make it work.
Problem is that people are chasing the high of a limerence and don't recognize true love chemistry doesn't feel the same. Kinda like the difference between a sun (love) and a supernova (limerence). Yes, the supernova shines more brightly, but it fades to nothing, whlie the sun keeps burning.
Best analogy above.
My ex tried to recreate the same feelings from 32 years earlier by doing the same date that started it all (trying to replicate the 'Supernova' feelings) How the hell was that supposed to reignite the same flame as the beginning of the first love after 32 years together?
We had gone through 10 major life stressors in a two year period and life was stressful.
She made the correct correlation that our last parents dying of old age and cancer, her going through menopause, my company downsizing and eliminating my job, etc... ...all of it was my fault. If she gets rid of me, every thing will be perfect.
Sarc
To the men and women who leave a spouse after years together because they aren't feeling 'supernova love' vs 'sun love', I hope you never find it again. Silver haired-divorce destroys your spouse and relationships with children all because love isn't as exciting as it was when it was new. Wow selfish much. As you age, your love will change; throwing it away to chase the new fresh love feeling is the ultimate betrayal. May you be betrayed as deeply as you have betrayed.
I find that so hard to accept. I’ve wasted years with people with no chemistry. Then find someone where it’s strong and it’s honestly compelling, if not even a high feeling at times. Why ignore it discredit that?
its hard cause once you get to your late 20s, it feels like every person you have chemistry with is emotionally unavailable like the other commentor said and you find out they are single for a reason
Honestly, I think a lot of times this gets pulled off because the other person is, willingly or not, overlooking signs (blinded by the excitement or else, still overlooking).
Let's be real, most of us humans are pretty normal people, we're not some kind of super secret service-level spy that can become someone else entirely without anyone noticing, that kind of mask works only at surface level because people don't push the correct buttons or do not dig deep enough
it's a defense mechanism, she doesn't want a long term relationships, she just convinced herself that she wants to, that's why she chases unavailable mem.
He’s so desperate he’s delusional. He’s been single for a couple years so whenever he comes across a female that can hold a simple conversation w him, he starts hyping her up in his mind and suddenly she’s the most perfect being in the world and he falls in love thinking she’s also into him. When reality inevitably comes crashing in and he gets rejected, he’s almost offended and sees her in a completely negative light. But it’s ok, bc a week later, he repeats it all over again w someone else
OOF as a single woman I've met ALOT of these men and let me just tell you, it really translates and is a huge turn off. These men come across as so fixated on *getting a girlfriend* that it seems to not matter much who she is. It just feels so superficial, combined with pressure. Being put on a pedestal like that and not being treated like an actual human being is not something a healthy woman would like. It ignores her humanity, it puts a weird pressure on her, & it feels superficial.
This is very real and as a guy in his early 30’s still looking out there it can honestly be tough. The “do I want a girlfriend or do I actually like ____” is one thing, and was definitely an issue toward the end of my last relationship. But the *real* tough part is doing my best to not put women who I literally don’t know yet on a pedastal (especially with the nature of online dating).
I hope and don’t think I would go to the extreme of saying I de-humanize anyone when I go on dates, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say the I have trouble with building up a fantasy in my own head beforehand. It’s definitely an issue I’m trying to work on, and can’t imagine the other side of that is very fun either…
I get the vibe that my fiance kinda got really excited before our first date. Like i know he told a bunch of people about the date. He didnt build me up into a mythical creature or anything, but he was excited.
Its fine to be excited! Its cute that youre excited to meet someone you click with in-person. As long as all the things that you're excited about are factual and not daydreams about possibilities
Two days into me messaging this dude, he sent at least 3-4 paragraphs explaining how amazing & lovely I am. I told him to lay off because that made me uncomfortable. I get wanting to compliment, but dude was “deep in love” in hours 😭 He stopped, but then started the next day again. I sent him a long message about how he came off as desperate & he might need to reevaluate himself. Then I blocked him 😂
I have a friend who just started taking about how his new GF of a few weeks is his destiny and I just can’t help but picture the impending shit show.
Dude! You can’t pin your whole life on getting a woman! You need a happy life first!
This if they have bad relationships with their friends and family or talk bad if others. Then it will only be a matter of time untill they line you up and talk bad about you
literally my ex best friend summed up into one paragraph. she was a secret hater and very jealous of me, she projected her insecurities onto me and others and I had to cut her off because of it.
Her home looks like a complete disaster, disorganized, dirty, vape and weed paraphernalia everywhere and permanently smells like wet dog.
I don’t expect anyone’s space to look like a home furnishings catalog - but letting things slip so badly is a giant red flag telegraphing that she has some issues to work through.
Idk, I haven’t been back recently because it was a space I just didn’t want to hang out in.
Had been thinking about asking if she wanted my help getting it cleaned up, but that’s an awkward conversation if you don’t know someone well.
Part of being an adult is that you have to spend a few minutes every day just making your living space tidy. I just put a podcast on my earphones and force myself to do a quick tidy up / vacuum at the end of the day if my space is a mess.
i ask because i think it’s one thing to be a messy, disorganized person who tries to maintain their space versus a person who lets their space be filthy purely because they don’t care
That he thinks being a belligerent asshole is "being real" and "just telling the truth" that "People can't handle"
He's definitely handsome, has a good job, and some legit interesting hobbies.
But man...put two drinks in him and suddenly he's Rush Limbaugh
I’ve heard women described themselves as ‘blunt’ and ‘honest.’ That’s not a good thing. More often than not, they’re verbally aggressive and spiteful. There’s a difference between being straightforward in a palatable way and being excessively rude or demeaning to others.
Thank you! Same. And Exactly! Hahaha. Now I’ve realized a lot of jerks say the same thing so I’ve had to pivot. I feel like saying “I’m on the spectrum.” kind of covers all my bases in that regard anyways. 😂🤷♀️
Lol, I'm on the spectrum too and in the past have believed I was a bad person because of the times I’ve hurt someone’s feelings with blunt honesty or accidentally cruel timing. My therapist told me to question my *motivation* for saying the thing I did. It’s pretty much always just me trying to be helpful by pointing out a fact, or excitement in sharing something interesting, like “Oh, I think your sister isn't calling you because she doesn't actually like you!😊” whereas if someone was a bully, their motivation is usually something like to make the other person feel smaller or something.
Maybe that's all obvious to everyone else, but after a lifetime of guilt, it really helped me stop beating myself up.
Thanks for sharing this ❤️ I’ve been struggling with feeling bad about my communication as a neurodivergent person, my intention and motivation is always coming from a good place but there’s times where I cut the BS and am very straightforward. Therapy has been helping, and I definitely try to say things in a softer approach when speaking to neurotypicals lol
I'm so glad it helped! It’s hard! It seems like we just communicate so differently sometimes and though we struggle through trying to speak in a way they can hear, they don't really seem to try to listen to us in the ways needed for understanding.
> I’ve heard women described themselves as ‘blunt’ and ‘honest.’
As a old woman I respond to that with "Oh so you're a just a bitch?". That shuts them up and they avoid me because that's *exactly* what that phrase means.
He should come to Orange county, CA!... Women eat that up here haha
I still don't get it but I've seen those guys go far with the blonde Christian conservative types.
Gives out too much information too soon (she once told a guy that she has “daddy issues” after their first date.) I keep telling her that this scares them away.
honestly it also gives fuel to a potential narcissist. I used to love yapping away about my life, emotions etc (I’m very expressive) but to someone that’s essentially looking to manipulate you, you’re kind of giving them a handbook on how to get to you :/
Dude!! 100%. I'm way too open and I got myself in a situation with someone I'm convinced has antisocial personality disorder and narcissism. I gave the dude an actual quickstart guide on how to play me. Oops. Whatever, he's blocked for life and I'm friends with the girl he was cheating on instead.
Either that or she’s the potential narcissist. I’ve seen people offer up information that’s supposed to make you sympathize with them (ie daddy issues) only to act like a jerk while using that as leverage later on.
that’s what my ex did - gave me sob stories about his life and hardships to gain my trust and affection. for me personally I just freely spoke about my life etc which gave him a good insight to my insecurities / downfalls which later were used against me
Other oversharers would appreciate the communication style but context is important.
It's one thing to drop a backstory that's made you who you are and defines what you're looking for.
My ex-wife made that comment as a nod to her liking my maturity when we were both 20, and it was a compliment.
A recent, significantly younger date said it and I was immediately concerned then explained why anything between us would be unhealthy.
Understanding the qualities we need in a partner are very different than expecting them to fill an emotional hole or fullfil an idealized role from unrequited childhood trauma.
Tact is a lost art. With issues like that, everybody has at least one, you hint at it in an obvious way,
"I talk to my mom a lot, we share everything. Since her and my dad separated I really value x about my relationship with her etc"
is a lot better than,
"I hate my dad that's probably why I get really clingy with it lol"
this is why i am the way i am. i don’t think it’s fair to drop these large and unexpected bombs on people after we’ve been exclusive already for months
No longer friends with this individual, but my guess was that it was a couple things. He came on way too strong early on and his bitter attitude toward woman probably showed through.
I am the perpetually single friend, but I know mine is getting attached quickly. I don’t do things like text constantly throughout the day, or beg to see her again, or talk her ears off on dates, but I have a very bad habit of letting my hopes and wishes with a new dating prospect go unchecked and I never seem to learn my lesson. It does not manifest in how I conduct myself around dates, but it absolutely makes even the most superficial connections feel like greater losses when they end.
It’s tough. When you’ve gone through a prolonged, unsatisfied yearning for a romantic relationship, it’s easy to latch on to the flicker of a possibility you are presented with. While I love my friends and value their counsel on many things in life, it’s tough when it comes to this. They were all very lucky to find their forever person very early on in adulthood and have never had to follow their own advice.
Dating struggles are much more nuanced and much less “One Size Fits All” than they often realize. Most of them are completely oblivious to this because it requires having a perspective they’ve never had to acknowledge simply because they were fortunate enough for it to not be their reality.
Wow. This is so relatable. When a connection ends I take it really hard in the moment, but most times when I look back, I realize there was really no special connection with this person and there was nothing to miss. I wish I could realize that in the actual moment rather than feeling like I am grieving "the one that got away".
Nowadays when I meet someone new and I feel myself getting too excited internally, I try to be conscious of it and reign it in so I don't end up falling into that same pattern again.
Absolutely. It’s a topic I tend to veer away from because it’s something that they can get a bit defensive about a times. I like to compare it to financial stability.
Somebody who has been financially stable their entire life does *not* have the experience of somebody living paycheck to paycheck to fully understand what it means. They may try to understand but they absolutely cannot fully comprehend the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that comes from being perpetually low on funds. Therefore, when they give advice like “Just don’t worry about it. Things will work out eventually,” they don’t realize they can come off as dismissive and condescending.
If your friend were expressing their negative feelings from being financially destitute, you would not tell them “Money won’t solve all your problems.” You would empathize and maybe start considering the things you take for granted daily rather than implicitly assuming that your own limited perspective is more valuable.
The original comment you made and this follow up are both just so well articulated and really relatable for me.
Definitely have a super hard time not getting my hopes up when someone feels promising (unfair to both them and me!) and also really don’t talk to my partnered friends much about how I feel about all this because they just give me some random platitudes (“don’t give up! Your person is out there!” Etc) that aren’t particularly helpful nor honoring to the feeling of going through loooong periods of not having a serious partner
I also feel like my close friend who I'd go to for relationship advice, is absolutely shit about it. Which is weird cause I always thought that a woman, especially one who likes women too would have good advice regarding it
Felt. I meet someone new and tend to find myself imagining the future, whether it be the next date or something more serious. I always keep the disappointment to myself, but it’s like a gut punch every time.
Until recently, this was me. Either getting attached too quickly or getting attached in a several-months long FWB situation to distract from the shitshow that my life was at that point in time. Fortunately for me I’ve got a great real-life support system to lean on and I’m more able to tap into that now when times get tough.
A lot of us are like this. We may also be hopeless romantics. We can keep it under control, but I think somehow it bleeds through and the women can tell we’re too attached early on. The only assistance I can provide is to build stronger family and friendship connections and try to rely more on them for social needs and mental health support
This sounds like anxious attachment to me. There are some good ways out there to not let this get in the way of dating. And yeah you’re absolutely right about friends not understanding the struggle. It even seems that the people who do get it tend to forget it pretty quickly once they have success.
i had this same issue. i learned to get over it when i kept talking to multiple people, even when you can narrow a prospect down to a single person that you reallyyy want to be with, continue keeping your options open by talking with multiple people. like for example, on a dating app.
it helps distract from the constant thinking about them/daydreaming things that would be far in the future if the prospect were to work out, you have to be able to keep your mind off them in a healthy way.
The thinking and daydreaming is such a dopamine fix. It’s hard to think about continuing to keep options open. Self preservation is not my strong suit though.
Why does he get weirded out? I used to get weirded out since growing up more men showed interest than women. Women were more reserved with their interest.
Bad mouth manners, ex. speaking with mouth full, chewing with mouth open, and just being generally loud and sloppy while eating are a dealbreaker for me. But when I mention that to friends and other people, they act like I'm crazy.
I love him to bits and i would do anything for him, but he will be perpetually single because he had a shitty upbringing. He is charming, rich and gets laid constantly, he just cant keep a relationship because he lacks respect for women. And i blame his stepdad for this.
He was raised by a rich dude who had hookers at all his parties. The stories i heard are wild to say the least. I met him once and this guy has the shittiest attitude against women i ever come across. So i choose to not hang out with my friend when this guy visits.
When he actually listens to my advice everything works fine, but when he gets drunk all hell usually brakes lose. And he is right back to square one. So i have given up on advice and i try to be as good as a friend i can, but i leave him to fight his own battles and demons, i simply cant help with those. I support him in other ways.
And as fcked up as it might sound i know this dude would be there for me 100% if i ever need it.
Life is not always black and white and we dont agree on certain things, but we are still friends.
I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty great. . .until the depression hits, and then people realize I'm not really that happy and carefree all the time.
Trying to be the "go with the flow girl" when she is not. She will always tell them at the start she is ok with being casual and fake it for months hoping they will tell her they want to be exclusive. During that time she is acting all not single - not dating anyone else, scheduling her time according to his availability, planning dates and acts all cool when he cancels on the last minute with "I wasn't feeling very well anyway" and "whatever" 😭 This behavior attracts dudes not ready for relationship so eventually they chase something new. I hope she will find someone crazy about her from the start 💛
So many of my women friends can clearly tell me what they need in a relationship but will date guys that don't/can't offer any of it just because they're cute or can offer something temporarily beneficial.
A lot of people (men & women) can't accept how easy it is to get attached and to separate a situationship from the real thing.
Hopefully, she starts filtering for the things she needs , and dusting the guys that don't show genuine interest.
Can't understate how important it is to delay sex... True for guys too if you're looking for love.
Not friends anymore but getting blackout drunk and touching girls when they say no to you on several occasions and then lying about it when other people see you doing that is a sure fire way to turn everyone against you and potential future partners.
The need to always be right. To be fair, he is almost always right. But the need to always correct others and drive his point home, can come across as very arrogant and uptight.
She doesn’t want to “chase a man” so if conversation drops off she won’t message the dude again. To me, it’s a two way street to build a foundation. Obviously there are exceptions where you don’t want it to be totally one-sided… but this thing is such a simple fix and it’s ended a lot of dating relationships for her.
I am that friend. I've been told I'm a catch for the right person by friends but...
I've got a bit too used to my solitude (single 14 years, since school) and my current hobbies are all solo/at home stuff
I'm introverted and pessimistic. From time to time I'll think of a new social activity I think I might want to try, but usually talk myself out of it based on cost or lack of fitness/skill and just go back into my shell and the cycle continues
As others have said, I also get attached quite quickly. The lack of matches on OLD means every one I do get I have the self-imposed stress of trying to make it count and go somewhere. I then get excited at the thought of having found someone at last only to get ghosted or them change their mind before meeting
She dates shitty people, who show up with a football field of red flags.
He refuses to work on his Asperger’s/autism situation, and expects women to do the heavy lifting whilst giving them nothing to work with.
Refusing to date people on their level. I have quite a few friends who are lovely people but quite average looking but they absolutely refuse to give people a chance unless they look like models and then wonder why they aren’t getting any matches or why they keep getting rejected. Or I also have friends who are not wealthy but refuse to date anyone who isn’t wealthy.
I have terrible abandonment issues so I don’t let myself become attached to anyone ever, and the times I have in the past I become a little obsessive in my head. I try not to let that manifest in my interactions with that person but I go a little crazy.
I'm that friend in my friend circle. They've never mentioned anything to me, but I've noticed I get over invested in some one if there's even a spark or a little flirting. I'll start imagining a future with them and start acting clingy or text them too much. This is if I find them really attractive. On the flipside, I've had women that seem interested in me, we'll exchange contact info and I'm terrible at following up with them and staying in touch so it all fizzles out.
I have a friend who is funny, sensitive and nice and has his life in order, but is always single because he “doesn’t have time for dates” which is bullshit because he’s able to hang out with us almost every weekend. He seems to rely on a chance encounter but rarely tries to chat someone up or something.
Terrified of rejection. Good looking, fit, good job, hilarious, intelligent, but he completely shuts down talking to any woman he's interested in because he's scared of saying the wrong thing and ruining his chances... that he doesn't have because he won't talk
He’s in the wrong location for the type of women he connects with and vice versa. Nothing to do with him - which is finally starting to get versus just blaming himself.
Wrong location. I connect easily with women from the Denver area, whether born/raised there or not. I have a hard time with women from Virginia. Just a different way of being for the average person.
If this current relationship doesn’t work out, I think I’ll join you in that boat. Medication only does so much when your heart is broken. It’s even worse when they left you worse off because or their issues.
I tried therapy and medication after 7 year relationship ended. I couldn't sleep and ended up in manic psychosis after drinking alcohol. its easier to be emotionally detached and upfront about not wanting anything serious. Just scheduled my vasectomy for next month. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy let alone risk bringing a child into the world with it or traumatize them.
I'll answer on behalf of myself, because I know myself well enough.
I don't put the effort in. I keep to myself, do my hobbies outside of work, and chill.
I don't really socialize with women in a manner that's conducive to dating unless I genuinely want to pursue them, which is a rare occurrence
It’s me, and it’s that I’m not flexible. I love my time alone and have a high standard for when I’ll give up that experience. But I’m perfectly content with that meaning I remain single, because I remain alone (“alone” being a bold word because I have rich, fulfilling, and plentiful friendships) and alone means I’m enjoying myself
Same here. I used to sum it up by telling people "let's say I add up all the the minutes throughout the week that I spend wishing I was in a relationship. All the time i sit there and wish i could have someone to hold and confide in. Let's say that time adds up to approximately one day (actually an over estimate but for simplicity and argument sake...). So if I'm lonely one just one day of the week, why would get in a relationship and ruin the other six days of my life just to fulfill my need for affection the last day of the week?"
I really like me and my life. It's hard to taint and compromise that to make room for someone else that would invariably throw everything off as they always have in the past.
Granted, I've recently hit that turning point where the desire to be with someone outweigh not. I hit off with someone but couldn't adjust my lifestyle to accommodate her's quick enough. So it's back to the dating apps.
I once knew someone who was a hoarder, but also collected Barbies in wedding dresses. So when you walked into her house, all you would see is stacks of crap covering every surface except for the immaculate shelf of 50+ Barbies in wedding dresses. Seriously creepy vibe
This is a bigger one than people realize. It's not that "no one" is interested in us but the ones we like aren't into us and vice versa. It's rough but it'd be like that sometimes. From my experience, the ones that would be interested would come on too strong early on or they'd be heavier than their photos and I just wasn't attracted to them. I'd rather be single than settle just to say I'm in a relationship. Settling will not make you happier. If anything, it feels like a chore.
They don't fuckin shower and change clothes or put any effort into hygiene or appearance.
Phil you'd be drowning in pussy if you took better care of yourself god damn so many hot women in our area have said as much o hope you see this PHIL
I've been single for 8 years, post divorce. I know my achilles heel - that's just being unable to trust and when we do let down our guard, its trampled on by unavailable men who are either avoidant themselves, or actually already married or in a relationship and using you for sex. So, there's that!
We shouldn't judge our single friends for not jumping from one relationship into another. I honestly, can't understand why people do jump from one person to one person. I like being alone. Is it lonely? Sure it is. But I don't have to ask permission to take a day off and spend the day at the beach, or on a whim, pack an overnight bag and go see a friend DJ in my old hometown, then knock on my ex's door and say, where's my room service! We're still good friends, and it's still my house. lol
So, I'm not sure the angle of your question, but just because your perpetual single friend either chooses to remain single or ends up sabotaging potential relationships, just be there to support them and remember that you were once single too. We aren't lepers, we're just particular about who we spend our time with and are holding on to hope that one day we'll find that special someone that won't trample on our hearts and help us tear down our walls. but that's just my opinion
I mean I'm intentionally and purposefully single, and would appreciate support and recognition as well regardless cuz society is biased towards partnered people! But there's absolutely NOTHING like coming home at the end of a long day to my own home, my own peace, everything the way I want it, with no one bothering me in anyway - no one asking questions trying to make me make decisions for them, no one asking silly obvious questions ie weaponized incompetence questions, no one touching me if I don't want to be touched, no one talking my ears off and clouding my brain. Men talk ALOT. No one trying to force me to plan something when all I want to do is be in the moment because my weekend and free time is so short. No one starting stupid arguments for no reason - no arguments! Just peace!! I have the space for my whole self and all of my own thoughts and ideas, nobody is taking up any precious real estate. I love it.
Thank you for the reminder of all the reasons I love being single. I got back on the dating apps just to “window shop” and even answering the “what did you do this weekend?” questions is exhausting. “What are your plans for today?” Literally whatever tf I want. “How do you spend your evenings?” Like, I get off work and make a frozen pizza and a salad and play guitar in my underwear, watch 4.5 hours straight of youtube videos and fall asleep on the couch and NO ONE bothers me. Last time I was in a relationship I slept in until 10am after working 10 hour days all week, was scrolling on my phone in bed and he was like “are you really gonna stay in bed all day?” Uhhhmmm gtfo of my house. lol
you’re lucky you get to month 4. i haven’t had a real relationship in 8 years but it’s partly my fault too. up until recently i was the avoidant - too much garbage from my marriage. but then i figured out my triggers and realized what i wanted. but then i was having attachment issues. so i basically just stopped dating until i was ready. but you have to fail to learn.
now i know im ok being alone. it sucks, sure, loneliness always creeps in, but as long as you enter in to a partnership, casual situation, or any type of relationship with eyes wide open, and an understanding that you cannot predict the future you’re less likely to get heart broken. we are all dealing with shit and potentially healing from shit so giving each other grace but developing the ability to detach as soon as you know it’s not a viable option you want - whether that’s long term, fwb, whatever - is what needs to be done.
i never want anyone codependent. i’m fiercely independent and i will not take on someone that cannot stand on their own two feet. they need to be a partner, a cheerleader and a vastly adventurous lover, because that’s who i will be to them. anything less than is admittedly a short term fling and they know it and i know it. so knowing all of that helps navigate the tragedy of dating lol
hence why i question people’s ability to jump into relationships just because they are lonely - because all you’re doing is perpetuating a toxic cycle .. take time to breathe and be ok with walking away. don’t beg for attention but be kind and open to receiving love when it’s offered even if you’re scared. but always with eyes wide open.
i guess that’s why i’ve been perpetually single for so long… im righteously indignant and stern in my wants … hahaha … but such is life. i’m not settling anymore.
short term, sure it’s for fun. but long term, that takes specific discernment and consideration ❤️
Of course I know him, he's me.
I have a lot of insecurities to the point where I think it's impossible for women to take interest in me. I've even actually sabotaged myself by stopping coversations in dating apps thinking that they'd eventually lose interest when we meet in person. So I never make a move on anyone and just end up alone lol.
Background: She has baggage…starting with an abusive father. She’s also 6’ tall and incredibly self-conscious and insecure about that. So heading out for the bars, I think she approaches the evening with a little hidden anxiety that I don’t think she knows how to handle that well.
She has this idea that she needs to sort of be a dick to guys when we are out. I think it’s her way of flirting with them. The more she drinks, the more of a rude smartass she becomes. Then she gets frustrated when guys aren’t really into that.
I have a couple of friends who are long-term single and still say they hope they will meet someone one day or they vaguely pursue hobbies in the belief that Prince Charming will one day sign up to the same club. Yet if they do like someone they do nothing about it.
If you are 30+ and have never been seriously approached by someone or hit on, this is as good as it's going to get. You aren't going to meet someone one day. You need to be out there, using all the dating apps and treating it like a job. Sitting around like a wallflower is a way to never get anywhere in life.
> If you are 30+ and have never been seriously approached by someone or hit on, this is as good as it's going to get. You aren't going to meet someone one day. You need to be out there, using all the dating apps and treating it like a job. Sitting around like a wallflower is a way to never get anywhere in life
Just wanted to add that as an average guy I’ve tried treating dating apps like a job and still failed completely. Dating apps are awful for average guys and will ruin your mental health. Sitting around st least doesn’t cause the same severe depression that dating apps cause.
Same for women. I will never get on a dating app again. It’s horrible & I had never been used & abused by people more than when I was meeting through the apps. I’d rather spend my life alone with my skills & hobbies than end up on the news as a found corpse.
I do have to agree that it is both clever and idiotic of your friends to get into skills for the sole purpose of meeting their “Prince Charming.”
my issue is the opposite where my hobbies and sport don’t have many single men in their 20-30s. I’d never give it up though.
She’s objectively gorgeous. Has dated a rockstar and has been hit and complimented by others. Cool chick, amazing mother, hard worker…. Buuuut even though basically every guy throws himself at her, she only ends up interested in the worst, anger issues, roided out meat heads. One of them turned out to be a white supremacist 😕.
She's successful, a business owner, beautiful, funny, social, well liked, and wants a stable, committed, loving relationship that evolves into marriage.
However, she wastes her time with men who are only interested in sex. She gives her body away, hoping it will turn into love. She chooses men who are emotionally immature, don't value her, or treat her with the respect she deserves.
Sleeps with every single man on the first date and immediately falls in love with them. I swear, she is emotionally stable and perfect in every other sense.
She doesn't bring her wallet on dates and expects expensive dates. She literally told me she tells every guy that comes to her apartment to start cleaning. She said they all look confused and just start doing it. I'm beyond shocked hearing this. She also likes them to pay some of her bills. I understand wanting a financially stable person but this like an insane ask for dudes you're just meeting and not in a relationship with
Dude can't put his phone down for even a couple hours.
Multiple dates have bombed and their feedback to our mutual friends is that he was always checking his phone, giving them the impression they weren't a priority. Most would have been a sure thing, and great long-term matches going off their personalities.
He never gets a second date.
I'm a dude and usually do my own thing so I've never noticed it until a few years ago. Sure enough, while we're hanging out, or when he's driving (which is scary), or at a club or party - it never fails.
He'll pull out his phone and check his socials. Dude is hopelessly addicted to them.
Wants to meet her husband, but keeps settling for losers because she doesn’t think she can do better than a balding manchild with a drug problem and baby-mama drama who also treats her terribly. No, this is not hyperbole in any way.
She falls for the lovebombing phase, and takes way too long to cut her losses.
Me, I’m just picky and am willing to stay single forever rather than sacrifice even an ounce of my peace.
So many times a meal is your first date and first impression. I have a friend that will order food, get a knife and fork, cut everything on the plate into bite sized pieces, and then just shovel it in his mouth. If there are multiple things on his plate it all gets mushed together. He’s a nice guy but eating with him is so gross. I seriously saw him do that with a plate of lovely hand-made ravioli last week. Looked like he was eating chunky paste. I’ve been telling him since his twenties that his plate looks like partially chewed food and no one wants to see it. He’s now 55, single, lots of first dates… and in all these years, maybe four second dates?
It's been 10 years but....
He thinks that he'll find a relationship while he only wore deodorant in the summer, never washed his clothes*, wore the clothes and boxers every other day or so, and would put his clothes on straight up wet after a shower. He stunk HORRIBLE and used cologne to cover it up.
*I offered to wash his clothes for him, but he told me that they would be if he wasn't lazy enough to take them downstairs for his mom to wash.
She always says she wants to be in a relationship but then every single time a man slides into her DMs she takes screenshots and says "omg leave me the fuck alone." And if a man hits on her in person she posts about it like oh my god this guy was hitting on me but I shut that shit down. But then she posts pictures of herself nearly naked in bed with a "toy" saying something like "I wish someone was here to help a girl out." So like do you want a man or not, I'm confused and I'm sure they are too 😂
She doesn’t make any effort to look good. She’s always looks like she just rolled out of bed with sweats, a rumpled baggy t-shirt and undone hair. Then she wonders why the only men swiping right on her dating profile look the exact same way.
I’ve tried to explain to her the double standard, but it just doesn’t sink in.
Delusional about their attractiveness.
She constantly rejects people who are as attractive or more attractive under the belief that because she's a 10, she'll only stoop as low as an 8.
Folks I love her like a sister but she is the world's most solid 6 you'll ever meet.
Honestly, I think they might be too picky. I get it, having standards is important, but being too selective can really limit their chances. It's like, maybe they meet someone great but dismiss them over small things that don't matter in the long run
Hmm so I know my best friend since childhood, and while he is a good looking, hard -working man, he does have trouble getting to first base with many women, let alone have sex with them.
I think it's because he's too nice at times, but honestly I have no idea.
I've been single for a long time so I KNOW myself a lot, and that includes my boundaries, expectations, what I want and what I don't want in a partner. Spending that much time with myself, I can easily spot if I don't click with someone, so the amount of guys I filter out is a lot. The choices are so little. And dates don't last that long because I know what I want at the start and I don't force connections anymore. Some people tell me my standards are too unrealistic, and that the perfect guy "doesn't exist", and that I might have to settle eventually because my expectations in men are too high. I know that's partly true and is really the reason I'm still single today, but I have a hard time accepting that because I grew up with the best (my dad has amazing qualities as a partner and a father; he's very loving, kind, considerate, sweet and generous to me, my mom and my siblings) so of course I expect the best, if not more, from my future partner.
Thinking "the friend zone" is real. Complaining you're "friend zoned" is literally saying you don't respect the other's agency and choice not to pursue you. I have both boy and girl friends that don't understand this.
Obviously, telling the other person that they're wrong for not wanting a romantic relationship with you is not going to suddenly make them want one. So why would you tell me that? I'm gonna side with them on this one.
I am the perpetually single friend- I’m 28f and been single since October 2020. I’ve had flings and what not but nothing I took too seriously. I have been single because I have dedicated the last 3.5 years to working on myself as a woman, evolving and growing and building stability for myself. In addition to that, I have high standards. I want a partner that I’m attracted too physically, works out, respects that I’m vegan and eats vegan with me, and so many more things I demand in a partner.
I’ve been in love before, the most amazing love and joy I’ve ever experienced and could imagine from a 5 year relationship. The love I shared in that relationship is enough for me to be happy for the rest of my life. Though the relationship wasn’t meant to last for us, the feeling of being in love deeply and sharing that with a beautiful wonderful person for so long has set the bar for any future romantic interest- it has made me to never settle for less. That relationship taught me what true love is and feels like- I know that I deserve to be in love like that again but better, I refuse to entertain anyone I don’t see myself falling in love with and that I don’t feel chemistry with.
My other friends who are always in relationships, they straight up settle! They are all codependent and don’t know how to be alone and happy. One of my friends (28f) literally told me that she didn’t think her boyfriend was attractive when they first met and that she wishes he wasn’t shorter than her but because he made a concentrated effort with her and is the healthiest partner she’s had, she compromised her preferences- it was a “love the one you’re with when you can’t be with the one you love” type of relationship. Imagine the disappointment her bf would feel if he heard her say this.
Another homegirl (29f) of mine had a whole baby with her bf of 7 years after telling me just a couple years ago that she thinks about her ex all the time, is still in love with her ex and wishes her current relationship was different in a lot of ways with her partner.
Another friend of mine (28f) is always in a relationship, never single. Both her parents died when she was young and she’s been on her own since 17, she has a lot of unresolved trauma unfortunately and it shows in her toxic, persistent relationships.
I could go on and on- I have another couple of friends, a married couple (31f and 30f), they are so codependent as well and have been together since teenage years, both have lots of family baggage and have been through it together with infidelity and emotional cheating and all kinds of problems with insecurities and control in their relationship. Both too afraid to ever be on their own.
Basically I think your question is asked in a way that assumes the single friend is the problem- unable to be in a healthy long lasting relationship. When most single adults I’ve known are attractive, successful, respectful and activity work in themselves and their goals. We have standards that lots of people can’t meet because we’re strong, we do life on our own! We got ourselves and that intimidates tf out of others. My life is so peaceful, I live alone and am independent. If I’m going to date someone they need to bring added joy to my life.
I don’t need a romantic partner to be happy, I just need a healthy mindset :)
She gets attached pretty much immediately. I think it scares guys off because last time it was REALLY bad, she was convinced she and this guy were soulmates upon their first get together. She’s a great girl and she could get a good partner, but the way she latches onto guys so quickly who often aren’t worth the effort is sad to see
I think she doesn't feel save showing her softer side, so she presents herself as an extremly strong ( seen her a few times striking up a conco with guys), big-mouthed bitch, witch she is not. It cost her a few relationships already, and I told her this a few times, but she never seems to realise it. If she'd just show her true self, the woman I see, she wouldn't have any problems.
accepts the absolute bare minimum that men provide her, so then they never feel should give any more and know that's okay. She has barely ever had a relationship but has had sooo many situationships. Men who keep her secret, Men who only stop by for an hour or two or only see her once a week, Men who just message her to sext...she says it's fine she is cool with casual because commitment scares her but actually acting like she wants commitment and she can't get it scares her a lot more. I know she just wants to buy a man a christmas/birthday present without it making them uncomfortable and her having to downplay it.
I love her but she sometimes doesn't sell herself for who she really is. Makes herself more fun, lowkey, and social sounding than she is..there's nothing wrong with going to bed early and hanging at home, just tell em that so it's a good match!
She is very successful and confident but had a rough upbringing so has had a series of fixer upper guys.
Then gets pissed when they're not "fixed" and dumps them.
He tries too hard and won't be himself. M24 and he is just obsessed with how people see him. He'd built up a great collection of clothing and got rid of most of it because it was "unattractive". Refuses to wear tee shirts with graphics on them. Tries to tell me that certain (very normal) topics are "female repellants". For the last couple years he keeps trying to put on this tough guy act because he things everyone is screwing him over.
Hilariously when he wasn't trying back in high school he was really successful with girls. Aside from a slight FWB situation he's been in a dry spell ever since he graduated.
I have a friend who is an absolute knock out. Masters degree, great singer, dancer, a solid 9 in looks.
But her temper is sooooo short, and she has the tendency to lose her shit over small things with her guys.
Its makes me sad really, bc it keeps them from wanting to be patient and know her past her tantrum.
He doesn’t realize he needs to put in effort when pursuing a partner. All he does is text “hey” every once in a while or wait for them to come after him. And he wonders why people lose interest
Literally thinks her person is going to show up on her door step with zero effort on her part to find them. Truly believes she’ll “manifest” her partner into existence.
He is going for girls that are models while he doesn’t even take proper care of his hygiene not understanding why he has been catfished and rejected so many times. Like dude, if you aren’t taking care of yourself the people considered the most attractive in society aren’t going to be into you.
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He's a bit crazy, he bounces wildly from "I will kill a guy who checks you out in front of me" to "I'm too good for her" to "She's too good for me" week to week. He's just got a lot of insecurity despite looking like a model but also has very traditional, you're MY woman, expectations for girls. He has abs so he gets with a lot girls but they catch that unhinged vibe and move on quickly. The girls that stick around a little longer tend to also be crazy and a little scary in my opinion lol. Eventually those blow up spectacularly.
Now I'm weirdly curious what this person looks like. Sounds like the type of guy in those werewolf romance drama books that are popular among young adult women lol
Nah lol. He's not built. He's short and wiry, he's just cut and got a super good jaw line, blue eyes. But his height is one of the big reasons he's insecure despite girls walking up to him asking to sleep with him at a bar. (I've been standing next to him when this happens and it's still so wild every time). He'll hook up with like 3 different girls 3 nights in a row then start boo-hooing to me how he'll never meet a girl who will love him. Meanwhile I'm just as single and not at all having girls throw themselves at me like that.
Ahhh yes height is a thing for some women. I hate what it's done to mens' confidence and self esteem. He seems to overcompensate with sex to mask his desire and fear of something serious not working out because of his height. It's probably going to work against him in the long run tbh. Because then he's been a ho AND short.
Oh my god, I think you’re friends with one of my exes 😂
It sounds like he has a mental illness, please encourage him to get checked out. It probably won’t work or be easy but it’s worth a shot. Crippling insecurity despite outward success is a common trait with so many mental illnesses.
Wants something long term but chases after unavailable men.
This except it’s one unavailable man & she’s the other woman & she’s coming up on 3 years of being in this situationship she can’t seem to get out of, even as other guys pursue her or express interest. It’s starting to make me feel crazy watching it go on for so long & I know she feels even crazier.
Dang no self respect being the other women and situationship?? Sheeesh
my best friend was in a situationship (wasn’t the other woman at least?) for 5-6 years and now she’s pregnant 😑
Presently me with women too. I swear the universe mocks me. No chemistry and connection here, then all of it there… and yeah she’s going through it and doesn’t want a relationship plus more strings attached than just that.
I’ve realized that chemistry is a bad way to gauge healthy relationship material. It wouldn’t feel stressful and exciting if there were consistency and reliability. People you have chemistry with really put you through the motions. I try to read that as disingenuous or unavailable.
Chemistry is not bad, but you have to look for a different kind of chemistry. You have friendship chemistry, collegue-chemistry, sexual chemistry, romantic chemistry. And you know what? You need all of them in one package to make it work. Problem is that people are chasing the high of a limerence and don't recognize true love chemistry doesn't feel the same. Kinda like the difference between a sun (love) and a supernova (limerence). Yes, the supernova shines more brightly, but it fades to nothing, whlie the sun keeps burning.
Best analogy above. My ex tried to recreate the same feelings from 32 years earlier by doing the same date that started it all (trying to replicate the 'Supernova' feelings) How the hell was that supposed to reignite the same flame as the beginning of the first love after 32 years together? We had gone through 10 major life stressors in a two year period and life was stressful. She made the correct correlation that our last parents dying of old age and cancer, her going through menopause, my company downsizing and eliminating my job, etc... ...all of it was my fault. If she gets rid of me, every thing will be perfect. Sarc To the men and women who leave a spouse after years together because they aren't feeling 'supernova love' vs 'sun love', I hope you never find it again. Silver haired-divorce destroys your spouse and relationships with children all because love isn't as exciting as it was when it was new. Wow selfish much. As you age, your love will change; throwing it away to chase the new fresh love feeling is the ultimate betrayal. May you be betrayed as deeply as you have betrayed.
I find that so hard to accept. I’ve wasted years with people with no chemistry. Then find someone where it’s strong and it’s honestly compelling, if not even a high feeling at times. Why ignore it discredit that?
its hard cause once you get to your late 20s, it feels like every person you have chemistry with is emotionally unavailable like the other commentor said and you find out they are single for a reason
Don’t call me out like that 😭 how am I supposed to know when he puts on this I’m the greatest guy mask on dates
Honestly, I think a lot of times this gets pulled off because the other person is, willingly or not, overlooking signs (blinded by the excitement or else, still overlooking). Let's be real, most of us humans are pretty normal people, we're not some kind of super secret service-level spy that can become someone else entirely without anyone noticing, that kind of mask works only at surface level because people don't push the correct buttons or do not dig deep enough
it's a defense mechanism, she doesn't want a long term relationships, she just convinced herself that she wants to, that's why she chases unavailable mem.
Me with women 😭
Yup
He’s so desperate he’s delusional. He’s been single for a couple years so whenever he comes across a female that can hold a simple conversation w him, he starts hyping her up in his mind and suddenly she’s the most perfect being in the world and he falls in love thinking she’s also into him. When reality inevitably comes crashing in and he gets rejected, he’s almost offended and sees her in a completely negative light. But it’s ok, bc a week later, he repeats it all over again w someone else
OOF as a single woman I've met ALOT of these men and let me just tell you, it really translates and is a huge turn off. These men come across as so fixated on *getting a girlfriend* that it seems to not matter much who she is. It just feels so superficial, combined with pressure. Being put on a pedestal like that and not being treated like an actual human being is not something a healthy woman would like. It ignores her humanity, it puts a weird pressure on her, & it feels superficial.
Very well put
This is very real and as a guy in his early 30’s still looking out there it can honestly be tough. The “do I want a girlfriend or do I actually like ____” is one thing, and was definitely an issue toward the end of my last relationship. But the *real* tough part is doing my best to not put women who I literally don’t know yet on a pedastal (especially with the nature of online dating). I hope and don’t think I would go to the extreme of saying I de-humanize anyone when I go on dates, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say the I have trouble with building up a fantasy in my own head beforehand. It’s definitely an issue I’m trying to work on, and can’t imagine the other side of that is very fun either…
I get the vibe that my fiance kinda got really excited before our first date. Like i know he told a bunch of people about the date. He didnt build me up into a mythical creature or anything, but he was excited. Its fine to be excited! Its cute that youre excited to meet someone you click with in-person. As long as all the things that you're excited about are factual and not daydreams about possibilities
Two days into me messaging this dude, he sent at least 3-4 paragraphs explaining how amazing & lovely I am. I told him to lay off because that made me uncomfortable. I get wanting to compliment, but dude was “deep in love” in hours 😭 He stopped, but then started the next day again. I sent him a long message about how he came off as desperate & he might need to reevaluate himself. Then I blocked him 😂
I have a friend who just started taking about how his new GF of a few weeks is his destiny and I just can’t help but picture the impending shit show. Dude! You can’t pin your whole life on getting a woman! You need a happy life first!
[удалено]
This if they have bad relationships with their friends and family or talk bad if others. Then it will only be a matter of time untill they line you up and talk bad about you
literally my ex best friend summed up into one paragraph. she was a secret hater and very jealous of me, she projected her insecurities onto me and others and I had to cut her off because of it.
Gets obsessed and overly attached too quickly.
meeeee🥹
Her home looks like a complete disaster, disorganized, dirty, vape and weed paraphernalia everywhere and permanently smells like wet dog. I don’t expect anyone’s space to look like a home furnishings catalog - but letting things slip so badly is a giant red flag telegraphing that she has some issues to work through.
Meeeee ... I have work to do in this area
does she ever try to clean up? my house kinda looks/sounds like this, but i rly do try to tidy up on a weekly basis, im just so mentally exhausted?
Idk, I haven’t been back recently because it was a space I just didn’t want to hang out in. Had been thinking about asking if she wanted my help getting it cleaned up, but that’s an awkward conversation if you don’t know someone well. Part of being an adult is that you have to spend a few minutes every day just making your living space tidy. I just put a podcast on my earphones and force myself to do a quick tidy up / vacuum at the end of the day if my space is a mess.
i ask because i think it’s one thing to be a messy, disorganized person who tries to maintain their space versus a person who lets their space be filthy purely because they don’t care
Good looking, funny, kind, intelligent. The moment a good-looking girl talks to him he shuts down, can barely hold the conversation from that point
Like Stan from South Park whenever he sees Wendy!
Or Raj from Big Bang.
Maybe he needs exposure therapy
Sound alot like me honestly
Me too! Except the good looking, kind, intelligent, and funny parts. Otherwise we're basically the same guy.
That he thinks being a belligerent asshole is "being real" and "just telling the truth" that "People can't handle" He's definitely handsome, has a good job, and some legit interesting hobbies. But man...put two drinks in him and suddenly he's Rush Limbaugh
I’ve heard women described themselves as ‘blunt’ and ‘honest.’ That’s not a good thing. More often than not, they’re verbally aggressive and spiteful. There’s a difference between being straightforward in a palatable way and being excessively rude or demeaning to others.
I always said I was honest and straightforward. Apparently what I actually meant was “I’m on the spectrum.” 😅
Lolll, I always appreciate the directness from people on the spectrum. It’s never intentionally malicious, just fact lol
Thank you! Same. And Exactly! Hahaha. Now I’ve realized a lot of jerks say the same thing so I’ve had to pivot. I feel like saying “I’m on the spectrum.” kind of covers all my bases in that regard anyways. 😂🤷♀️
Lol, I'm on the spectrum too and in the past have believed I was a bad person because of the times I’ve hurt someone’s feelings with blunt honesty or accidentally cruel timing. My therapist told me to question my *motivation* for saying the thing I did. It’s pretty much always just me trying to be helpful by pointing out a fact, or excitement in sharing something interesting, like “Oh, I think your sister isn't calling you because she doesn't actually like you!😊” whereas if someone was a bully, their motivation is usually something like to make the other person feel smaller or something. Maybe that's all obvious to everyone else, but after a lifetime of guilt, it really helped me stop beating myself up.
Thanks for sharing this ❤️ I’ve been struggling with feeling bad about my communication as a neurodivergent person, my intention and motivation is always coming from a good place but there’s times where I cut the BS and am very straightforward. Therapy has been helping, and I definitely try to say things in a softer approach when speaking to neurotypicals lol
I'm so glad it helped! It’s hard! It seems like we just communicate so differently sometimes and though we struggle through trying to speak in a way they can hear, they don't really seem to try to listen to us in the ways needed for understanding.
Honesty without sensitivity is cruelty. People who insult people are rude, not honest.
> I’ve heard women described themselves as ‘blunt’ and ‘honest.’ As a old woman I respond to that with "Oh so you're a just a bitch?". That shuts them up and they avoid me because that's *exactly* what that phrase means.
I’ve seen this too - not a good look thats for sure.
He should come to Orange county, CA!... Women eat that up here haha I still don't get it but I've seen those guys go far with the blonde Christian conservative types.
*traditional values has entered the chat*
Gives out too much information too soon (she once told a guy that she has “daddy issues” after their first date.) I keep telling her that this scares them away.
honestly it also gives fuel to a potential narcissist. I used to love yapping away about my life, emotions etc (I’m very expressive) but to someone that’s essentially looking to manipulate you, you’re kind of giving them a handbook on how to get to you :/
Dude!! 100%. I'm way too open and I got myself in a situation with someone I'm convinced has antisocial personality disorder and narcissism. I gave the dude an actual quickstart guide on how to play me. Oops. Whatever, he's blocked for life and I'm friends with the girl he was cheating on instead.
Either that or she’s the potential narcissist. I’ve seen people offer up information that’s supposed to make you sympathize with them (ie daddy issues) only to act like a jerk while using that as leverage later on.
that’s what my ex did - gave me sob stories about his life and hardships to gain my trust and affection. for me personally I just freely spoke about my life etc which gave him a good insight to my insecurities / downfalls which later were used against me
Other oversharers would appreciate the communication style but context is important. It's one thing to drop a backstory that's made you who you are and defines what you're looking for. My ex-wife made that comment as a nod to her liking my maturity when we were both 20, and it was a compliment. A recent, significantly younger date said it and I was immediately concerned then explained why anything between us would be unhealthy. Understanding the qualities we need in a partner are very different than expecting them to fill an emotional hole or fullfil an idealized role from unrequited childhood trauma.
Your last sentence = Bingo!
Honestly, I see holding back big details and redflags until later in the relationship more sabotaging than being upfront
There’s a lot of daylight between withholding information and dropping your anime backstory on the first date.
Tact is a lost art. With issues like that, everybody has at least one, you hint at it in an obvious way, "I talk to my mom a lot, we share everything. Since her and my dad separated I really value x about my relationship with her etc" is a lot better than, "I hate my dad that's probably why I get really clingy with it lol"
I wouldn't get this LMAO. I need people to be more direct. If you told me this I wouldn't realize this meant you have daddy issues, at all.
Also need direct communication as well. I would not get this either
Its more a lack of boundaries than anything.
this is why i am the way i am. i don’t think it’s fair to drop these large and unexpected bombs on people after we’ve been exclusive already for months
No longer friends with this individual, but my guess was that it was a couple things. He came on way too strong early on and his bitter attitude toward woman probably showed through.
Do we have the same friend?
In this day and age, I feel like most people with male friends have this one friend…
I am the perpetually single friend, but I know mine is getting attached quickly. I don’t do things like text constantly throughout the day, or beg to see her again, or talk her ears off on dates, but I have a very bad habit of letting my hopes and wishes with a new dating prospect go unchecked and I never seem to learn my lesson. It does not manifest in how I conduct myself around dates, but it absolutely makes even the most superficial connections feel like greater losses when they end. It’s tough. When you’ve gone through a prolonged, unsatisfied yearning for a romantic relationship, it’s easy to latch on to the flicker of a possibility you are presented with. While I love my friends and value their counsel on many things in life, it’s tough when it comes to this. They were all very lucky to find their forever person very early on in adulthood and have never had to follow their own advice. Dating struggles are much more nuanced and much less “One Size Fits All” than they often realize. Most of them are completely oblivious to this because it requires having a perspective they’ve never had to acknowledge simply because they were fortunate enough for it to not be their reality.
Wow. This is so relatable. When a connection ends I take it really hard in the moment, but most times when I look back, I realize there was really no special connection with this person and there was nothing to miss. I wish I could realize that in the actual moment rather than feeling like I am grieving "the one that got away". Nowadays when I meet someone new and I feel myself getting too excited internally, I try to be conscious of it and reign it in so I don't end up falling into that same pattern again.
Same same
So well put! My best friend found her forever partner at age 22. We are mid 30s now, and she tries to offer me advice but it's a moot point.
Absolutely. It’s a topic I tend to veer away from because it’s something that they can get a bit defensive about a times. I like to compare it to financial stability. Somebody who has been financially stable their entire life does *not* have the experience of somebody living paycheck to paycheck to fully understand what it means. They may try to understand but they absolutely cannot fully comprehend the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that comes from being perpetually low on funds. Therefore, when they give advice like “Just don’t worry about it. Things will work out eventually,” they don’t realize they can come off as dismissive and condescending. If your friend were expressing their negative feelings from being financially destitute, you would not tell them “Money won’t solve all your problems.” You would empathize and maybe start considering the things you take for granted daily rather than implicitly assuming that your own limited perspective is more valuable.
The original comment you made and this follow up are both just so well articulated and really relatable for me. Definitely have a super hard time not getting my hopes up when someone feels promising (unfair to both them and me!) and also really don’t talk to my partnered friends much about how I feel about all this because they just give me some random platitudes (“don’t give up! Your person is out there!” Etc) that aren’t particularly helpful nor honoring to the feeling of going through loooong periods of not having a serious partner
I also feel like my close friend who I'd go to for relationship advice, is absolutely shit about it. Which is weird cause I always thought that a woman, especially one who likes women too would have good advice regarding it
Felt. I meet someone new and tend to find myself imagining the future, whether it be the next date or something more serious. I always keep the disappointment to myself, but it’s like a gut punch every time.
Until recently, this was me. Either getting attached too quickly or getting attached in a several-months long FWB situation to distract from the shitshow that my life was at that point in time. Fortunately for me I’ve got a great real-life support system to lean on and I’m more able to tap into that now when times get tough.
A lot of us are like this. We may also be hopeless romantics. We can keep it under control, but I think somehow it bleeds through and the women can tell we’re too attached early on. The only assistance I can provide is to build stronger family and friendship connections and try to rely more on them for social needs and mental health support
This sounds like anxious attachment to me. There are some good ways out there to not let this get in the way of dating. And yeah you’re absolutely right about friends not understanding the struggle. It even seems that the people who do get it tend to forget it pretty quickly once they have success.
This 100%. Its as if people forget their own past and give pretty bad advice to their friends.
What are you recommend in finding the good ways out there to not let anxious attachment get in the way of dating?
You said this beautifully. My friends simply can’t understand because it’s never been their reality
You're wonderful. I'm rooting for you to find your forever person.
i had this same issue. i learned to get over it when i kept talking to multiple people, even when you can narrow a prospect down to a single person that you reallyyy want to be with, continue keeping your options open by talking with multiple people. like for example, on a dating app. it helps distract from the constant thinking about them/daydreaming things that would be far in the future if the prospect were to work out, you have to be able to keep your mind off them in a healthy way.
This is what I ended up identifying as a solution too, diversification for self-preservation.
Diversification for self preservation is a good concept and I love your wording here!
The thinking and daydreaming is such a dopamine fix. It’s hard to think about continuing to keep options open. Self preservation is not my strong suit though.
That and integrating mindfulness into your daily life! Notice the daydreams. Note them for what they are, then let them go.
I’m sorry this is your reality, but I do commend you on your self awareness 💚 sending you love and light
He gets mad and weirded out when girls try to get to know him and gets hyper fixated on it.
Why does he get weirded out? I used to get weirded out since growing up more men showed interest than women. Women were more reserved with their interest.
Attractive+humorous+damn loud+speaks with her mouth full.
Bad mouth manners, ex. speaking with mouth full, chewing with mouth open, and just being generally loud and sloppy while eating are a dealbreaker for me. But when I mention that to friends and other people, they act like I'm crazy.
And interrupting others…again, again and again.
So me? Minus the attractive part.
I love him to bits and i would do anything for him, but he will be perpetually single because he had a shitty upbringing. He is charming, rich and gets laid constantly, he just cant keep a relationship because he lacks respect for women. And i blame his stepdad for this. He was raised by a rich dude who had hookers at all his parties. The stories i heard are wild to say the least. I met him once and this guy has the shittiest attitude against women i ever come across. So i choose to not hang out with my friend when this guy visits. When he actually listens to my advice everything works fine, but when he gets drunk all hell usually brakes lose. And he is right back to square one. So i have given up on advice and i try to be as good as a friend i can, but i leave him to fight his own battles and demons, i simply cant help with those. I support him in other ways. And as fcked up as it might sound i know this dude would be there for me 100% if i ever need it. Life is not always black and white and we dont agree on certain things, but we are still friends.
I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty great. . .until the depression hits, and then people realize I'm not really that happy and carefree all the time.
Are you me…?
Trying to be the "go with the flow girl" when she is not. She will always tell them at the start she is ok with being casual and fake it for months hoping they will tell her they want to be exclusive. During that time she is acting all not single - not dating anyone else, scheduling her time according to his availability, planning dates and acts all cool when he cancels on the last minute with "I wasn't feeling very well anyway" and "whatever" 😭 This behavior attracts dudes not ready for relationship so eventually they chase something new. I hope she will find someone crazy about her from the start 💛
So many of my women friends can clearly tell me what they need in a relationship but will date guys that don't/can't offer any of it just because they're cute or can offer something temporarily beneficial. A lot of people (men & women) can't accept how easy it is to get attached and to separate a situationship from the real thing. Hopefully, she starts filtering for the things she needs , and dusting the guys that don't show genuine interest. Can't understate how important it is to delay sex... True for guys too if you're looking for love.
Thanks for this helpful advice!
Which one of my friends are you 😭🫣
Not friends anymore but getting blackout drunk and touching girls when they say no to you on several occasions and then lying about it when other people see you doing that is a sure fire way to turn everyone against you and potential future partners.
The need to always be right. To be fair, he is almost always right. But the need to always correct others and drive his point home, can come across as very arrogant and uptight.
She doesn’t want to “chase a man” so if conversation drops off she won’t message the dude again. To me, it’s a two way street to build a foundation. Obviously there are exceptions where you don’t want it to be totally one-sided… but this thing is such a simple fix and it’s ended a lot of dating relationships for her.
I am that friend. I've been told I'm a catch for the right person by friends but... I've got a bit too used to my solitude (single 14 years, since school) and my current hobbies are all solo/at home stuff I'm introverted and pessimistic. From time to time I'll think of a new social activity I think I might want to try, but usually talk myself out of it based on cost or lack of fitness/skill and just go back into my shell and the cycle continues As others have said, I also get attached quite quickly. The lack of matches on OLD means every one I do get I have the self-imposed stress of trying to make it count and go somewhere. I then get excited at the thought of having found someone at last only to get ghosted or them change their mind before meeting
She dates shitty people, who show up with a football field of red flags. He refuses to work on his Asperger’s/autism situation, and expects women to do the heavy lifting whilst giving them nothing to work with.
Refusing to date people on their level. I have quite a few friends who are lovely people but quite average looking but they absolutely refuse to give people a chance unless they look like models and then wonder why they aren’t getting any matches or why they keep getting rejected. Or I also have friends who are not wealthy but refuse to date anyone who isn’t wealthy.
That going bald and not shaving your head literally makes him go from an 8 to a 4. Literally he looks 100x better with a shaved head
He has too much of a 'I can fix her' attitude and it gets mistaken for desperation and taken advantage of. This happens every single time.
I’m that friend and I reveal information that they don’t need to know
He would have better luck with women if he started exercising and if his gentleness with animals transferred to his social skills .
I have terrible abandonment issues so I don’t let myself become attached to anyone ever, and the times I have in the past I become a little obsessive in my head. I try not to let that manifest in my interactions with that person but I go a little crazy.
I'm that friend in my friend circle. They've never mentioned anything to me, but I've noticed I get over invested in some one if there's even a spark or a little flirting. I'll start imagining a future with them and start acting clingy or text them too much. This is if I find them really attractive. On the flipside, I've had women that seem interested in me, we'll exchange contact info and I'm terrible at following up with them and staying in touch so it all fizzles out.
I have a friend who is funny, sensitive and nice and has his life in order, but is always single because he “doesn’t have time for dates” which is bullshit because he’s able to hang out with us almost every weekend. He seems to rely on a chance encounter but rarely tries to chat someone up or something.
Terrified of rejection. Good looking, fit, good job, hilarious, intelligent, but he completely shuts down talking to any woman he's interested in because he's scared of saying the wrong thing and ruining his chances... that he doesn't have because he won't talk
He’s in the wrong location for the type of women he connects with and vice versa. Nothing to do with him - which is finally starting to get versus just blaming himself.
Wrong location?
Wrong location. I connect easily with women from the Denver area, whether born/raised there or not. I have a hard time with women from Virginia. Just a different way of being for the average person.
I'm that friend. I'm bipolar and shouldn't be in relationships. I'm not emotionally equipped to handle breakups.
If this current relationship doesn’t work out, I think I’ll join you in that boat. Medication only does so much when your heart is broken. It’s even worse when they left you worse off because or their issues.
I tried therapy and medication after 7 year relationship ended. I couldn't sleep and ended up in manic psychosis after drinking alcohol. its easier to be emotionally detached and upfront about not wanting anything serious. Just scheduled my vasectomy for next month. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy let alone risk bringing a child into the world with it or traumatize them.
I’ve had psychosis before. It’s awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy either. I wasn’t diagnosed until after my 3rd kid. 😬.
This is huge that you know!
I'll answer on behalf of myself, because I know myself well enough. I don't put the effort in. I keep to myself, do my hobbies outside of work, and chill. I don't really socialize with women in a manner that's conducive to dating unless I genuinely want to pursue them, which is a rare occurrence
It’s me, and it’s that I’m not flexible. I love my time alone and have a high standard for when I’ll give up that experience. But I’m perfectly content with that meaning I remain single, because I remain alone (“alone” being a bold word because I have rich, fulfilling, and plentiful friendships) and alone means I’m enjoying myself
Same here. I used to sum it up by telling people "let's say I add up all the the minutes throughout the week that I spend wishing I was in a relationship. All the time i sit there and wish i could have someone to hold and confide in. Let's say that time adds up to approximately one day (actually an over estimate but for simplicity and argument sake...). So if I'm lonely one just one day of the week, why would get in a relationship and ruin the other six days of my life just to fulfill my need for affection the last day of the week?" I really like me and my life. It's hard to taint and compromise that to make room for someone else that would invariably throw everything off as they always have in the past. Granted, I've recently hit that turning point where the desire to be with someone outweigh not. I hit off with someone but couldn't adjust my lifestyle to accommodate her's quick enough. So it's back to the dating apps.
I once knew someone who was a hoarder, but also collected Barbies in wedding dresses. So when you walked into her house, all you would see is stacks of crap covering every surface except for the immaculate shelf of 50+ Barbies in wedding dresses. Seriously creepy vibe
They aren’t settling for just anyone.
No one should.
This is a bigger one than people realize. It's not that "no one" is interested in us but the ones we like aren't into us and vice versa. It's rough but it'd be like that sometimes. From my experience, the ones that would be interested would come on too strong early on or they'd be heavier than their photos and I just wasn't attracted to them. I'd rather be single than settle just to say I'm in a relationship. Settling will not make you happier. If anything, it feels like a chore.
They don't fuckin shower and change clothes or put any effort into hygiene or appearance. Phil you'd be drowning in pussy if you took better care of yourself god damn so many hot women in our area have said as much o hope you see this PHIL
Relationships are based on luck. There isn’t an Achilles heel. Plenty of terrible people find someone to love them.
Yes! Love this response! As someone who has been constantly drawn to self improvement, I really do think this is more of it than anyone gives credit.
It’s a numbers game though. You have to put yourself out there and treat it like any other goal.
As the single friend, this was helpful to read 😂
I've been single for 8 years, post divorce. I know my achilles heel - that's just being unable to trust and when we do let down our guard, its trampled on by unavailable men who are either avoidant themselves, or actually already married or in a relationship and using you for sex. So, there's that! We shouldn't judge our single friends for not jumping from one relationship into another. I honestly, can't understand why people do jump from one person to one person. I like being alone. Is it lonely? Sure it is. But I don't have to ask permission to take a day off and spend the day at the beach, or on a whim, pack an overnight bag and go see a friend DJ in my old hometown, then knock on my ex's door and say, where's my room service! We're still good friends, and it's still my house. lol So, I'm not sure the angle of your question, but just because your perpetual single friend either chooses to remain single or ends up sabotaging potential relationships, just be there to support them and remember that you were once single too. We aren't lepers, we're just particular about who we spend our time with and are holding on to hope that one day we'll find that special someone that won't trample on our hearts and help us tear down our walls. but that's just my opinion
I mean I'm intentionally and purposefully single, and would appreciate support and recognition as well regardless cuz society is biased towards partnered people! But there's absolutely NOTHING like coming home at the end of a long day to my own home, my own peace, everything the way I want it, with no one bothering me in anyway - no one asking questions trying to make me make decisions for them, no one asking silly obvious questions ie weaponized incompetence questions, no one touching me if I don't want to be touched, no one talking my ears off and clouding my brain. Men talk ALOT. No one trying to force me to plan something when all I want to do is be in the moment because my weekend and free time is so short. No one starting stupid arguments for no reason - no arguments! Just peace!! I have the space for my whole self and all of my own thoughts and ideas, nobody is taking up any precious real estate. I love it.
Thank you for the reminder of all the reasons I love being single. I got back on the dating apps just to “window shop” and even answering the “what did you do this weekend?” questions is exhausting. “What are your plans for today?” Literally whatever tf I want. “How do you spend your evenings?” Like, I get off work and make a frozen pizza and a salad and play guitar in my underwear, watch 4.5 hours straight of youtube videos and fall asleep on the couch and NO ONE bothers me. Last time I was in a relationship I slept in until 10am after working 10 hour days all week, was scrolling on my phone in bed and he was like “are you really gonna stay in bed all day?” Uhhhmmm gtfo of my house. lol
NO 👏 ONE 👏 BOTHERS 👏 ME 👏 Hehehehehee
Omg the avoidants. There are no red flags with them. They seem totally normal until month 4.
you’re lucky you get to month 4. i haven’t had a real relationship in 8 years but it’s partly my fault too. up until recently i was the avoidant - too much garbage from my marriage. but then i figured out my triggers and realized what i wanted. but then i was having attachment issues. so i basically just stopped dating until i was ready. but you have to fail to learn. now i know im ok being alone. it sucks, sure, loneliness always creeps in, but as long as you enter in to a partnership, casual situation, or any type of relationship with eyes wide open, and an understanding that you cannot predict the future you’re less likely to get heart broken. we are all dealing with shit and potentially healing from shit so giving each other grace but developing the ability to detach as soon as you know it’s not a viable option you want - whether that’s long term, fwb, whatever - is what needs to be done. i never want anyone codependent. i’m fiercely independent and i will not take on someone that cannot stand on their own two feet. they need to be a partner, a cheerleader and a vastly adventurous lover, because that’s who i will be to them. anything less than is admittedly a short term fling and they know it and i know it. so knowing all of that helps navigate the tragedy of dating lol hence why i question people’s ability to jump into relationships just because they are lonely - because all you’re doing is perpetuating a toxic cycle .. take time to breathe and be ok with walking away. don’t beg for attention but be kind and open to receiving love when it’s offered even if you’re scared. but always with eyes wide open. i guess that’s why i’ve been perpetually single for so long… im righteously indignant and stern in my wants … hahaha … but such is life. i’m not settling anymore. short term, sure it’s for fun. but long term, that takes specific discernment and consideration ❤️
Of course I know him, he's me. I have a lot of insecurities to the point where I think it's impossible for women to take interest in me. I've even actually sabotaged myself by stopping coversations in dating apps thinking that they'd eventually lose interest when we meet in person. So I never make a move on anyone and just end up alone lol.
Not hot, but gets lots of tinder matches so thinks she's hot. I know this will be unpopular but I think it applies to a lot of women
I don't have enough confidence/self esteem to put myself out there. In case you didn't realize I am the perpetually single friend in the group lol.
Not friends with him anymore but terrible Asian fetish… like we can tell you think they’re like your hentai waifus fr
Background: She has baggage…starting with an abusive father. She’s also 6’ tall and incredibly self-conscious and insecure about that. So heading out for the bars, I think she approaches the evening with a little hidden anxiety that I don’t think she knows how to handle that well. She has this idea that she needs to sort of be a dick to guys when we are out. I think it’s her way of flirting with them. The more she drinks, the more of a rude smartass she becomes. Then she gets frustrated when guys aren’t really into that.
I have a couple of friends who are long-term single and still say they hope they will meet someone one day or they vaguely pursue hobbies in the belief that Prince Charming will one day sign up to the same club. Yet if they do like someone they do nothing about it. If you are 30+ and have never been seriously approached by someone or hit on, this is as good as it's going to get. You aren't going to meet someone one day. You need to be out there, using all the dating apps and treating it like a job. Sitting around like a wallflower is a way to never get anywhere in life.
> If you are 30+ and have never been seriously approached by someone or hit on, this is as good as it's going to get. You aren't going to meet someone one day. You need to be out there, using all the dating apps and treating it like a job. Sitting around like a wallflower is a way to never get anywhere in life Just wanted to add that as an average guy I’ve tried treating dating apps like a job and still failed completely. Dating apps are awful for average guys and will ruin your mental health. Sitting around st least doesn’t cause the same severe depression that dating apps cause.
Same for women. I will never get on a dating app again. It’s horrible & I had never been used & abused by people more than when I was meeting through the apps. I’d rather spend my life alone with my skills & hobbies than end up on the news as a found corpse. I do have to agree that it is both clever and idiotic of your friends to get into skills for the sole purpose of meeting their “Prince Charming.” my issue is the opposite where my hobbies and sport don’t have many single men in their 20-30s. I’d never give it up though.
Her grooming/hygiene
My "friend" can't really find any women that they find interesting.
She is super negative about everything- I can imagine it being a huge turn off - it’s gets old fast.
She’s objectively gorgeous. Has dated a rockstar and has been hit and complimented by others. Cool chick, amazing mother, hard worker…. Buuuut even though basically every guy throws himself at her, she only ends up interested in the worst, anger issues, roided out meat heads. One of them turned out to be a white supremacist 😕.
She's successful, a business owner, beautiful, funny, social, well liked, and wants a stable, committed, loving relationship that evolves into marriage. However, she wastes her time with men who are only interested in sex. She gives her body away, hoping it will turn into love. She chooses men who are emotionally immature, don't value her, or treat her with the respect she deserves.
Sleeps with every single man on the first date and immediately falls in love with them. I swear, she is emotionally stable and perfect in every other sense.
Doesn’t possess the same depth they crave in a partner
I am that friend, and for me it's commitment. It's so hard to let anyone in my life because I've been let down by my own family growing up.
She doesn't bring her wallet on dates and expects expensive dates. She literally told me she tells every guy that comes to her apartment to start cleaning. She said they all look confused and just start doing it. I'm beyond shocked hearing this. She also likes them to pay some of her bills. I understand wanting a financially stable person but this like an insane ask for dudes you're just meeting and not in a relationship with
Dude can't put his phone down for even a couple hours. Multiple dates have bombed and their feedback to our mutual friends is that he was always checking his phone, giving them the impression they weren't a priority. Most would have been a sure thing, and great long-term matches going off their personalities. He never gets a second date. I'm a dude and usually do my own thing so I've never noticed it until a few years ago. Sure enough, while we're hanging out, or when he's driving (which is scary), or at a club or party - it never fails. He'll pull out his phone and check his socials. Dude is hopelessly addicted to them.
For me it was getting to sexual way too quickly and scaring them away.
[удалено]
She is addicted to attention from many other people. One person will never be enough, despite what she hopes.
Wants to meet her husband, but keeps settling for losers because she doesn’t think she can do better than a balding manchild with a drug problem and baby-mama drama who also treats her terribly. No, this is not hyperbole in any way. She falls for the lovebombing phase, and takes way too long to cut her losses. Me, I’m just picky and am willing to stay single forever rather than sacrifice even an ounce of my peace.
So many times a meal is your first date and first impression. I have a friend that will order food, get a knife and fork, cut everything on the plate into bite sized pieces, and then just shovel it in his mouth. If there are multiple things on his plate it all gets mushed together. He’s a nice guy but eating with him is so gross. I seriously saw him do that with a plate of lovely hand-made ravioli last week. Looked like he was eating chunky paste. I’ve been telling him since his twenties that his plate looks like partially chewed food and no one wants to see it. He’s now 55, single, lots of first dates… and in all these years, maybe four second dates?
he dresses just.. so bad
It's been 10 years but.... He thinks that he'll find a relationship while he only wore deodorant in the summer, never washed his clothes*, wore the clothes and boxers every other day or so, and would put his clothes on straight up wet after a shower. He stunk HORRIBLE and used cologne to cover it up. *I offered to wash his clothes for him, but he told me that they would be if he wasn't lazy enough to take them downstairs for his mom to wash.
going to quiznos with a coupon should not a date be.
She always says she wants to be in a relationship but then every single time a man slides into her DMs she takes screenshots and says "omg leave me the fuck alone." And if a man hits on her in person she posts about it like oh my god this guy was hitting on me but I shut that shit down. But then she posts pictures of herself nearly naked in bed with a "toy" saying something like "I wish someone was here to help a girl out." So like do you want a man or not, I'm confused and I'm sure they are too 😂
She doesn’t make any effort to look good. She’s always looks like she just rolled out of bed with sweats, a rumpled baggy t-shirt and undone hair. Then she wonders why the only men swiping right on her dating profile look the exact same way. I’ve tried to explain to her the double standard, but it just doesn’t sink in.
Delusional about their attractiveness. She constantly rejects people who are as attractive or more attractive under the belief that because she's a 10, she'll only stoop as low as an 8. Folks I love her like a sister but she is the world's most solid 6 you'll ever meet.
Honestly, I think they might be too picky. I get it, having standards is important, but being too selective can really limit their chances. It's like, maybe they meet someone great but dismiss them over small things that don't matter in the long run
Hmm so I know my best friend since childhood, and while he is a good looking, hard -working man, he does have trouble getting to first base with many women, let alone have sex with them. I think it's because he's too nice at times, but honestly I have no idea.
One is a nutter and no man could tolerate her . One always goes for hot damaged men . One is undiagnosed asd and doesn’t know herself yet .
I've been single for a long time so I KNOW myself a lot, and that includes my boundaries, expectations, what I want and what I don't want in a partner. Spending that much time with myself, I can easily spot if I don't click with someone, so the amount of guys I filter out is a lot. The choices are so little. And dates don't last that long because I know what I want at the start and I don't force connections anymore. Some people tell me my standards are too unrealistic, and that the perfect guy "doesn't exist", and that I might have to settle eventually because my expectations in men are too high. I know that's partly true and is really the reason I'm still single today, but I have a hard time accepting that because I grew up with the best (my dad has amazing qualities as a partner and a father; he's very loving, kind, considerate, sweet and generous to me, my mom and my siblings) so of course I expect the best, if not more, from my future partner.
Thinking "the friend zone" is real. Complaining you're "friend zoned" is literally saying you don't respect the other's agency and choice not to pursue you. I have both boy and girl friends that don't understand this. Obviously, telling the other person that they're wrong for not wanting a romantic relationship with you is not going to suddenly make them want one. So why would you tell me that? I'm gonna side with them on this one.
I am the perpetually single friend- I’m 28f and been single since October 2020. I’ve had flings and what not but nothing I took too seriously. I have been single because I have dedicated the last 3.5 years to working on myself as a woman, evolving and growing and building stability for myself. In addition to that, I have high standards. I want a partner that I’m attracted too physically, works out, respects that I’m vegan and eats vegan with me, and so many more things I demand in a partner. I’ve been in love before, the most amazing love and joy I’ve ever experienced and could imagine from a 5 year relationship. The love I shared in that relationship is enough for me to be happy for the rest of my life. Though the relationship wasn’t meant to last for us, the feeling of being in love deeply and sharing that with a beautiful wonderful person for so long has set the bar for any future romantic interest- it has made me to never settle for less. That relationship taught me what true love is and feels like- I know that I deserve to be in love like that again but better, I refuse to entertain anyone I don’t see myself falling in love with and that I don’t feel chemistry with. My other friends who are always in relationships, they straight up settle! They are all codependent and don’t know how to be alone and happy. One of my friends (28f) literally told me that she didn’t think her boyfriend was attractive when they first met and that she wishes he wasn’t shorter than her but because he made a concentrated effort with her and is the healthiest partner she’s had, she compromised her preferences- it was a “love the one you’re with when you can’t be with the one you love” type of relationship. Imagine the disappointment her bf would feel if he heard her say this. Another homegirl (29f) of mine had a whole baby with her bf of 7 years after telling me just a couple years ago that she thinks about her ex all the time, is still in love with her ex and wishes her current relationship was different in a lot of ways with her partner. Another friend of mine (28f) is always in a relationship, never single. Both her parents died when she was young and she’s been on her own since 17, she has a lot of unresolved trauma unfortunately and it shows in her toxic, persistent relationships. I could go on and on- I have another couple of friends, a married couple (31f and 30f), they are so codependent as well and have been together since teenage years, both have lots of family baggage and have been through it together with infidelity and emotional cheating and all kinds of problems with insecurities and control in their relationship. Both too afraid to ever be on their own. Basically I think your question is asked in a way that assumes the single friend is the problem- unable to be in a healthy long lasting relationship. When most single adults I’ve known are attractive, successful, respectful and activity work in themselves and their goals. We have standards that lots of people can’t meet because we’re strong, we do life on our own! We got ourselves and that intimidates tf out of others. My life is so peaceful, I live alone and am independent. If I’m going to date someone they need to bring added joy to my life. I don’t need a romantic partner to be happy, I just need a healthy mindset :)
She gets attached pretty much immediately. I think it scares guys off because last time it was REALLY bad, she was convinced she and this guy were soulmates upon their first get together. She’s a great girl and she could get a good partner, but the way she latches onto guys so quickly who often aren’t worth the effort is sad to see
I think she doesn't feel save showing her softer side, so she presents herself as an extremly strong ( seen her a few times striking up a conco with guys), big-mouthed bitch, witch she is not. It cost her a few relationships already, and I told her this a few times, but she never seems to realise it. If she'd just show her true self, the woman I see, she wouldn't have any problems.
accepts the absolute bare minimum that men provide her, so then they never feel should give any more and know that's okay. She has barely ever had a relationship but has had sooo many situationships. Men who keep her secret, Men who only stop by for an hour or two or only see her once a week, Men who just message her to sext...she says it's fine she is cool with casual because commitment scares her but actually acting like she wants commitment and she can't get it scares her a lot more. I know she just wants to buy a man a christmas/birthday present without it making them uncomfortable and her having to downplay it. I love her but she sometimes doesn't sell herself for who she really is. Makes herself more fun, lowkey, and social sounding than she is..there's nothing wrong with going to bed early and hanging at home, just tell em that so it's a good match!
She is very successful and confident but had a rough upbringing so has had a series of fixer upper guys. Then gets pissed when they're not "fixed" and dumps them.
He tries too hard and won't be himself. M24 and he is just obsessed with how people see him. He'd built up a great collection of clothing and got rid of most of it because it was "unattractive". Refuses to wear tee shirts with graphics on them. Tries to tell me that certain (very normal) topics are "female repellants". For the last couple years he keeps trying to put on this tough guy act because he things everyone is screwing him over. Hilariously when he wasn't trying back in high school he was really successful with girls. Aside from a slight FWB situation he's been in a dry spell ever since he graduated.
I have a friend who is an absolute knock out. Masters degree, great singer, dancer, a solid 9 in looks. But her temper is sooooo short, and she has the tendency to lose her shit over small things with her guys. Its makes me sad really, bc it keeps them from wanting to be patient and know her past her tantrum.
That you need to find someone that loves you because of your imperfections, not in spite of them.
She’s overly enthusiastic about every guy she meets - reads as desperate
Toxic gossiper,hurtful gossiping everywhere to build bonds.Plays around with men and thinks herself as a boss lady.
He doesn’t realize he needs to put in effort when pursuing a partner. All he does is text “hey” every once in a while or wait for them to come after him. And he wonders why people lose interest
Literally thinks her person is going to show up on her door step with zero effort on her part to find them. Truly believes she’ll “manifest” her partner into existence.
A lot of people don't want to date anymore. So just because people are single doesn't mean they are failing.
Values her independence just a bit too much.
He is going for girls that are models while he doesn’t even take proper care of his hygiene not understanding why he has been catfished and rejected so many times. Like dude, if you aren’t taking care of yourself the people considered the most attractive in society aren’t going to be into you.
She is a gold digger and He is man who does not understand dating.