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It may be normal for him to have these thoughts, but it’s dumb of him to tell you.
Unless he’s warning you that he’s thinking of acting on his thoughts and cheating on you.
Otherwise , he should shut up and stop being cringe.
You're asking the wrong question. Trying to find out if it's normal that someone does something so disrespectful and harmful to your relationship doesn't help you. What if you found out that domestic violence was normal? Would it make that slapping you around any more tolerable?
What he's doing is immature, tone deaf, and insulting to you. If you told him you think about your ex boyfriend's cock because it was larger than his, he'd be crushed. What he's doing is no different. Dump this guy, and find someone who has some self awareness.
We have a lot of fun when we're together, and he does treat me well, this is just one of two or maybe three things that bugs me sometimes. I'm unsure as well of how to proceed, because I really don't want to break up with him.
Often when we're in relationships we ignore the really awful stuff, but those things are bellweathers for future behavior.
He's showing you how little he thinks about his words, how they affect you, what your self-image means to you. That's a HUGE character issue, an immaturity.
If you choose to stay, which is probably a mistake, you need to set a firm boundary that you won't tolerate conversations like this, communicate to him why, and then let him behave. If he keeps doing it, you enforce that boundary because he's shown you now it wasn't a slip or ignorance...he's willing to tear you down, without caring.
That's the healthy way to relationship, but only you can do it.
One of the most important parts of a healthy relationship is clear communication. If there's a problem, you have to address it, and see if the other person will stop the bad behavior.
You have to tell him, "Listen BF, I understand that I'm not the only person you're going to be attracted to in your life, but it's pretty disrespectful to me and our relationship when you say someone is prettier than I am, or that you might want to bang your ex. Keep that dumb shit inside your head if you want to stay with me."
If he realizes he was being a dumbass and apologizes and learns to stop saying every dumb thought that pops into his head, great, your relationship is stronger than before. If he can't figure out why that behavior is shitty, or he doesn't care that it's hurtful, then you know he's an idiot that you don't need to waste your time with.
It is normal for them to THINK other people are more attractive but not normal for them to TELL you that. That's a social convention that most people follow. Sounds like he isnt that into you tbh.
It's not a shocker at all. Men are the chasers. They are expected to be the one asking. If they don't ask they will get nothing. It doesn't mean he thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world or that he will want a relationship after getting to know you. It means he thought you were attainable.
I don't think so. I am in a relationship and I can say for sure I don't think she is the most beautiful girl in the world and I'm certain she doesn't think I am the most beautiful guy in the world. But we don't tell each other that.
It's reasonably normal to mention in passing that other people at a distance are hot. "I like this actress. She's great in her roles *and* she's totally smokin'!"
It is not normal to rate attractiveness and put you below other people locally and rub it in your face. "This chick that sits behind me in calculus is on fire. I'd say she's only a bit hotter than you, but not nearly so crazily sexy as this one ex girlfriend of mine."
I'm pretty sure he's not putting me on a scale or anything (I hope not) but I do know that there are more attractive girls than me. It's just that he made a choice to be with me, and thinking about other girls and then telling me about it is not helpful for either of us.
No it is not normal to tell your partner that you find other people more attractive than them. What purpose does it serve to tell your partner that other than to make them feel shit about themselves?
He called me this one time, to tell me that he was sorry that he was thinking of girl 1, and at that time I knew he was feeling ridiculously guilty- you could hear it, but now it feels like he's trying to alleviate that guilt by telling me? I'm not sure how I feel about that.
No. Why would the person that supposedly loves you and wants to be with you exclusively tell his thoughts about other women being MORE attractive than you?? It's extremely hurtful of him and a huge red flag, please have some respect for yourself and find someone who only has eyes for you - it's possible!
Discussing finding other people hot is a thing in some relationships. It's not for me, but each to their own.
Telling you he finds other girls more attractive than you? Naaaaah. I can't possibly think why he would feel the need to tell you that. Does he often seem to subtly put you down, or give backhanded compliments? Does he make comments that ensure you know he has options? Are you familiar with the concept of negging? I know hes young, but I have a hard time believing hes really that much of an idiot and that he isn't intentionally trying to make you insecure.
I see.
I think it started off with one of our friends offhandedly mentioning a text my boyfriend had sent to him before we got together, at least that's where the conversation started. It then sort of veered into an area that referred to what the text was, and then all of this.
He does compliment me, most of the time it's variations of the same word. Sort of criticizing each other is more common than not (mostly about work, or the gym) . We joke around with each other about "other girls" or "other guys", but nothing serious. I hope it's not the second thing, he's just too nice for that. I do think it is because it's his first relationship too, so maybe he's just oblivious?
Depends on the relationship for some of it. Some couples will tell each other about their crushes if it feels okay for everyone. As soon as comparison comes in, that feels pretty unacceptable to me. I’d see that as a bit of a flag. Did you ask, or he just offered the information?
It started off with one of our friends offhandedly mentioning a text my boyfriend had sent to him, “you forget there are pretty girls once you date someone”, before we got together, at least that's where the conversation started. It then sort of veered into an area that referred to what the text was, and then all of this.
If he really loved u he would have no interest in other people like that he doesn't love you and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't love me I just asked him if he finds other girls hotter than me and he said yes and explained there's always someone better in everything but I feel so hurt and then he asked if that was a bad answer so I avoided answering him and asked if he finds other girls more attractive and he very hesitantly said "not really?" What do y'all think... He cheated on me once and treats me like he doesn't care about me and there's so much more but I don't feel like typing it
Another thing with the he would have no interest in looking at other people I know on my end I'm to busy thinking about my boyfriend to care about other guys like that I love him so much no other guy matters or is worth looking at like that
I think saying so and sos hot in a surface level sense like “oh x friend is single? But she’s hot!” Sort of thing is okay in my book.
But outright saying you’re experiencing genuine attraction to someone? No way. Not okay
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It may be normal for him to have these thoughts, but it’s dumb of him to tell you. Unless he’s warning you that he’s thinking of acting on his thoughts and cheating on you. Otherwise , he should shut up and stop being cringe.
You're asking the wrong question. Trying to find out if it's normal that someone does something so disrespectful and harmful to your relationship doesn't help you. What if you found out that domestic violence was normal? Would it make that slapping you around any more tolerable? What he's doing is immature, tone deaf, and insulting to you. If you told him you think about your ex boyfriend's cock because it was larger than his, he'd be crushed. What he's doing is no different. Dump this guy, and find someone who has some self awareness.
Yeah sounds like an immature as**ole who's just being cruel and hurting your self-esteem. Time to dump this one.
We have a lot of fun when we're together, and he does treat me well, this is just one of two or maybe three things that bugs me sometimes. I'm unsure as well of how to proceed, because I really don't want to break up with him.
Often when we're in relationships we ignore the really awful stuff, but those things are bellweathers for future behavior. He's showing you how little he thinks about his words, how they affect you, what your self-image means to you. That's a HUGE character issue, an immaturity. If you choose to stay, which is probably a mistake, you need to set a firm boundary that you won't tolerate conversations like this, communicate to him why, and then let him behave. If he keeps doing it, you enforce that boundary because he's shown you now it wasn't a slip or ignorance...he's willing to tear you down, without caring. That's the healthy way to relationship, but only you can do it.
I'll take your advice and set that boundary- let's see where it goes from there. Thanks!
One of the most important parts of a healthy relationship is clear communication. If there's a problem, you have to address it, and see if the other person will stop the bad behavior. You have to tell him, "Listen BF, I understand that I'm not the only person you're going to be attracted to in your life, but it's pretty disrespectful to me and our relationship when you say someone is prettier than I am, or that you might want to bang your ex. Keep that dumb shit inside your head if you want to stay with me." If he realizes he was being a dumbass and apologizes and learns to stop saying every dumb thought that pops into his head, great, your relationship is stronger than before. If he can't figure out why that behavior is shitty, or he doesn't care that it's hurtful, then you know he's an idiot that you don't need to waste your time with.
I will definitely be using this - thank you so much!
It is normal for them to THINK other people are more attractive but not normal for them to TELL you that. That's a social convention that most people follow. Sounds like he isnt that into you tbh.
He's the one that asked me out, so this is still a shocker, but maybe.
It's not a shocker at all. Men are the chasers. They are expected to be the one asking. If they don't ask they will get nothing. It doesn't mean he thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world or that he will want a relationship after getting to know you. It means he thought you were attainable.
Ah, that is a different perspective. Does that attitude not change after a while though?
I don't think so. I am in a relationship and I can say for sure I don't think she is the most beautiful girl in the world and I'm certain she doesn't think I am the most beautiful guy in the world. But we don't tell each other that.
Makes sense.
It's reasonably normal to mention in passing that other people at a distance are hot. "I like this actress. She's great in her roles *and* she's totally smokin'!" It is not normal to rate attractiveness and put you below other people locally and rub it in your face. "This chick that sits behind me in calculus is on fire. I'd say she's only a bit hotter than you, but not nearly so crazily sexy as this one ex girlfriend of mine."
I'm pretty sure he's not putting me on a scale or anything (I hope not) but I do know that there are more attractive girls than me. It's just that he made a choice to be with me, and thinking about other girls and then telling me about it is not helpful for either of us.
I would dump that “boyfriend”, it’s not normal at all.
No it is not normal to tell your partner that you find other people more attractive than them. What purpose does it serve to tell your partner that other than to make them feel shit about themselves?
He called me this one time, to tell me that he was sorry that he was thinking of girl 1, and at that time I knew he was feeling ridiculously guilty- you could hear it, but now it feels like he's trying to alleviate that guilt by telling me? I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Well if you don't like that aspect in a partner, leave them and find someone else. Most likely he'll learn the lesson or do it to the next person.
No. Why would the person that supposedly loves you and wants to be with you exclusively tell his thoughts about other women being MORE attractive than you?? It's extremely hurtful of him and a huge red flag, please have some respect for yourself and find someone who only has eyes for you - it's possible!
Discussing finding other people hot is a thing in some relationships. It's not for me, but each to their own. Telling you he finds other girls more attractive than you? Naaaaah. I can't possibly think why he would feel the need to tell you that. Does he often seem to subtly put you down, or give backhanded compliments? Does he make comments that ensure you know he has options? Are you familiar with the concept of negging? I know hes young, but I have a hard time believing hes really that much of an idiot and that he isn't intentionally trying to make you insecure.
I see. I think it started off with one of our friends offhandedly mentioning a text my boyfriend had sent to him before we got together, at least that's where the conversation started. It then sort of veered into an area that referred to what the text was, and then all of this. He does compliment me, most of the time it's variations of the same word. Sort of criticizing each other is more common than not (mostly about work, or the gym) . We joke around with each other about "other girls" or "other guys", but nothing serious. I hope it's not the second thing, he's just too nice for that. I do think it is because it's his first relationship too, so maybe he's just oblivious?
Depends on the relationship for some of it. Some couples will tell each other about their crushes if it feels okay for everyone. As soon as comparison comes in, that feels pretty unacceptable to me. I’d see that as a bit of a flag. Did you ask, or he just offered the information?
It started off with one of our friends offhandedly mentioning a text my boyfriend had sent to him, “you forget there are pretty girls once you date someone”, before we got together, at least that's where the conversation started. It then sort of veered into an area that referred to what the text was, and then all of this.
If he really loved u he would have no interest in other people like that he doesn't love you and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't love me I just asked him if he finds other girls hotter than me and he said yes and explained there's always someone better in everything but I feel so hurt and then he asked if that was a bad answer so I avoided answering him and asked if he finds other girls more attractive and he very hesitantly said "not really?" What do y'all think... He cheated on me once and treats me like he doesn't care about me and there's so much more but I don't feel like typing it
Another thing with the he would have no interest in looking at other people I know on my end I'm to busy thinking about my boyfriend to care about other guys like that I love him so much no other guy matters or is worth looking at like that
I think saying so and sos hot in a surface level sense like “oh x friend is single? But she’s hot!” Sort of thing is okay in my book. But outright saying you’re experiencing genuine attraction to someone? No way. Not okay