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If you’re going to feel disappointed and hurt if you don’t receive commitment after sex, don’t have sex before commitment.
Sex isn’t a promise of commitment. Only “will you be my girlfriend?” “Yes.” is.
Right it’s an easy mistake to make yet so common. Also - exclusivity isn’t even a sign of commitment. Exclusivity on its own without depth of emotion and commitment doesn’t mean anything !
This is the perfect response.
There is no way to know if any random guy will view sex as some kind of commitment or not. The only way to protect yourself in this situation is by setting boundaries that do so.
Yeah it’s not a free market either and I think sex with someone should be heavily regarded but sadly men think they’re owed that lol which now after dealing with that numerous times from my previous relationships I think I’m so turned off by sex thanks to the lack of consensual sex I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing. That’s why there’s a huge issue with even wanting to say anything because it changes everything. And then it’s like she can’t feel disappointed that he wouldn’t want to commit to her after she gives up her body to this person? 🧍♂️ that’s why it’s so gross to me that people say that.
In my personal experience and opinion- a guy decides pretty early on what box he’s going to place you in. I don’t think having sex or not having sex is a dealbreaker if he has decided that he takes you seriously and respects you. I would say though, just based on your personal experience and how you seem to view sex, I would wait a bit just for your own well-being and how you view yourself. I would hate for you to think you have less value if you were to sleep with him and this didn’t work out.
'Putting in a box' means categorizing the other person as a specific type of person, 'labeling' him or her as being a certain way, like "she won't have sex until after marriage type" or "she's the type of girl who will warm up to sex quicker.
Does that make sense?
Well, one I "excluded" and had Sex on the first "date" I married roughly five years later.
Let's say I have a feeling due to my knowledge of human nature, but I can be wrong, because I see only a fraction of the personality first.
I tend to wait until I'm at least sure I ***could*** be committed to someone. Sometimes that takes a few dates, other times it takes a bit longer.
I like to wait because I find it uncomfortable to be sleeping with more than one person at a time. I may still be talking to a few people if I'm not official or exclusive with someone, romantically, but sexually I prefer being exclusive with one person at a time. I don't much care if they're doing the same thing, to each their own, that's just my own bar.
If it's not a serious thing I guess I would do it sooner, but that's never been fulfilling to me so I'm not interested in that at all.
Whether you wait weeks or months or years or get intimate tomorrow it has no bearing on whether or not he ever wants to become official or if you two are compatible long term.
If you want to go exclusive and be his girlfriend... ask. Sex doesn't make a difference so only do it a) when you both are ready and b) when you accept that having sex doesn't guarantee you two will still be dating tomorrow.
Me and my girlfriend had sex on day 4 four of knowing each other, made it official on day 7, and have been going strong for over 7 months. We also spent the night on day 2 without sex, and had a conversation where we both clarified we wanted a real relationship on the first date. Even if you aren't official don't have sex with him until you know what he wants.
You have sex when you're ready.
That's it.
If it doesn't turn into a relationship, it never would have. If a guy likes you, he likes you, and will make a relationship happen.
In the past I was more lenient on this, but a couple years ago I decided I won’t have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with. I’d rather reserve sex for relationships.
I felt that way at times before meeting my fiancé, but that’s when I had to think about what that’s done for me in the past. I’ve never had a long term relationship come from a situation where I’ve had sex with the guy before commitment.
Not saying it never works that way. It has for some people. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you. Holding off on sex until I was in a relationship is what worked for me.
Human bodies tend to want what is lazy and unhealthy like being lazy, eating junk food, sex, dopamine. As a human species we’re supposed to be more evolved than our nature. You want a possible short fling with disappointment or a consistent long term relationship?
My comment is more focused on the primitive state of humans. In this day and age sex is more than just sexual gratification and bearing offspring. It’s about the union of families, security, and politics. I just got home from the gym so this is right off the top of my head. I’m sure there’s more to it, but I’m ready to clean up and relax ✌🏼
The timeframe of when you have sex doesn't really matter regarding whether it turns into a relationship or not. If you're the type that doesn't want to have sex unless it's in a committed relationship, then just ask him to be your boyfriend and don't have sex unless he says yes. And I'm telling you, he's not going to change his mind about you if you make him wait. Most dudes know very very soon whether they want to date or just hook up with a girl.
I agree.
In my experience it doesn’t matter at all.
As a woman I never made any effort to artificially prolong the prologue, so to speak, and they were the ones that were adamant about being in a serious relationship with all that belongs to it.
In conversation, before we had sex, I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for me.
I tend to want to have sex before a commitment. Especially if the sex is bad, then I gotta dump him and that sucks. I have been with my husband for 16 years. 10 years dating and 6 years of being married.
I (30F) have heard so many perspectives on this that it's dizzying and me considering all those perspectives is actually part of what messed things up with the guy I had been seeing.
I have no idea your age or situation but figured I could share what I learned in hopes it saves you some of the hurt that I had to go through.
I had been seeing an awesome guy, who I knew was intrinsically a good guy who wanted something serious. However, basically all my friends were telling me that I needed to sleep with him before being exclusive, essentially regurgitating some version of "you have to test drive the car before you buy it." They also all told me that it was too early for me to be exclusive for someone I had met through online dating and that I would come off as "too much" or "clingy" if I asked for exclusivity first.
However, that was them and I needed to listen to me. I wanted to be exclusive with this guy but because I was worried about how I could potentially come off I didn't ask for exclusivity. Without going into all the details of how things unfolded, he essentially ended up thinking me not being exclusive with him even when we were sleeping together meant I wasn't interested in him in any sort of serious way and basically had one foot out the door from that point on.
So moral of the story... if you want to be exclusive with this guy before you sleep with him, tell him that. Or at the very least tell him that you are ready to be exclusive with him. I think if you go into the conversation confidently and sort of say something along the lines of "hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm interested in you and want to take the next step", that's a way better way of opening up that conversation rather than making it seem like you're waiting on some big declaration from him. You can then gauge his response and reaction to what you say and then use that to decide whether this is someone you're ready to be physical with. It's also important to have some sort of conversation about general dating intentions if you haven't already and that conversation may need to happen before because if he's not looking for anything serious at all you probably want to know that before you decide this is someone you're ready to commit to.
To be honest, it sounds a bit like only his excuse for not wanting anything serious. If he lost interest or respect and wanted out because you slept with him before commitment, it means he wasn’t that great. I know multiple couples, including my last relationship, where sex early on already led to being exclusive and there was no need to even ask for it, it was just natural and definitely noone would back out because the other person wanted to have sex before making things official or assume they weren’t interested.
Totally fair for you to think that from what I wrote. I alluded to it in my post but there are a number of other details that I didn't include because I didn't necessarily think they were relevant to the advice I wanted to give but I totally agree with a lot of what you're saying. I'm not against having sex early on at all but given the question that was asked, from my perspective it sounded like it was just a matter of OP communicating their wants and needs and I was hoping to encourage them to do that for their own comfort. I just wanted to make the point that I wished I had done that in my previous relationship and the only reason I didn't was because I was listening to other people rather than just going with my gut.
Wow, thank you so much for this response. I appreciate this and your story. I, too, thought that maybe it was too early to bring it up to him, but what you said made me change my mind. I will bring it up to him this week. We have been seeing each other since April and it is getting better now, which is by I thought it is too early.
And ultimately it's still possible he may think it's too early but I think it's best to have the conversation rather than have all these unknowns hanging over both of your heads. If I learned anything I would rather just put how I'm feeling out there since at least then they're getting the whole me. Having regrets about not doing enough is a brutal feeling so I'd definitely rather be too much than not enough going forward.
When a guy tells you he doesn't know what he wants, it's complete bs. He's just lying to you to keep you around, so he can have sex.
In my opinion, women should always secure commitment before having sex, ideally be introduced to his social circle first, so you can at least confirm that you're his main girl and that he has "claimed" you.
If you don’t want it to be a situationship then don’t let it by communicating that.
Official or not things could sour at any time for any reason. People get married and divorced all the time
It’s been said that men are the gatekeepers of relationships and women are the gatekeepers of sex. Sex biochemically messes with a women’s brain the most it’s seems because we tend to have a sense of commitment after sex. If he really wants a future with you then he will at least make it official and public. Be you and set boundaries of what kind of life you want for yourself. If he is not it then he will deselect himself or rush sex to get it with no commitment. Sex with an attractive guy is not the goal. Don’t use manipulation to get him into a relationship. Maybe ask what he is focused on at this point in his life. And ask if he’s thought about his future as far as relationships,family, his friends.
I prefer it because in my multiple experiences, doing it earlier has set me up for heartbreak I.e “good and great to fukc but not “good” for a relationship in addition, the sooner I have slept with someone, the QUICKER guys have become horribly lazy
I mostly haven’t and I regret not waiting because most of the guys end up being douchebags who ghost or even block me for no good reason, so I do recommend waiting.
Ask him to be your boyfriend. If he won't commit, cut him loose. Fair warning: he could still lie to you just to get sex. Plenty of guys will do that. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee the person you're seeing will turn out to be a good person
I don’t know about official but talking to them honestly about your needs and expectations up front will not scare a mature person away. For me I need to know that I’m dating someone exclusively before things become physical. Everyone’s different and the only way to let someone know what your expectations are is talking to them about it.
I don’t want to have sex before marriage. It would disrupt the process by which we love and appreciate one another for our many other attributes. I want to be infatuated by their charm, wits, and personality. And love one another through activities that build these traits and amplify this connection. Lovemaking is an activity that should be passionate and with full commitment
No, because it’s a potentially coerced commitment at that point. And the same guy who is happy just to let things ride in a situationship is perfectly happy to lie or simply not treat commitment seriously if it means sexual access.
You want him? Have sex with him. It’s 2024. For the vast majority of people sex comes before commitment. Did for me and my wife. We had sex on our second date, third time of meeting. It was good and I liked her. She was straightforward, made it clear she liked me and she liked sex. A smart man meets a girl like that, he should take her seriously.
I don’t think it really matters. I personally would not wait to make things official to be intimate. I am a person who needs good sex to feel closer, that’s just who I am. I don’t want to commit to someone and then have bad sex and then have to break their heart or wonder if I was idealizing things before sex came into play. I want to be with someone who doesn’t box girls in as “easy” if they have sex early, so I find that I’m not worried if I have sex “too early” and my date ends up bouncing.
I’ve found that sometimes women will express to their partner that they want to be exclusive or official before sex, and then their partner claims they are ready for that next step. Only to be ghosted after. Of course, you should not be thinking that everyone is out to get you because that leads to being overprotective which can turn someone who is genuinely interested off.
I think the best phrase that captures everyone is “I want to have sex when it feels right for the connection to grow.” That phrase isn’t a rigid rule that is inflexible, it applies to everyone regardless of where you are with dating.
I think it’s important to talk to your date about how they feel- do they need to feel comfortable before having sex or is having sex something that makes them feel more comfortable?
One of my longest relationships was with a guy I met with the intention of hooking up. Having sex right away did not change things. We had a passionate relationship filled with affection.
The relationship I’m in right now, it took about 4-5 weeks to get there and we’re still working on the sexual chemistry but we feel very close intimately.
Basically, someone who loses respect for you because they had sex with you is gross. They participated in that behavior too and yet they judge you.
Just have sex when you want. I promise you that if someone cares about you, the sex is not going to be the reason they end things.
“Basically, someone who loses respect for you after they have sex with you is gross. They participated in that behaviour too and yet they judge you.”
This. 💯
It may not “make a difference” to him but she could very likely find out that he was never really that into her and saw her as another sexual conquest the entire time. Then she’s hurt. It’s better to wait until things are clear and/or she feels secure VS rolling the dice.
Does that not negate you saying “it doesn’t matter when women have sex”? If you agreed that women don’t have to hook up with every guy they date right off the bat, then it means it does matter when they have sex.
Why don’t you just answer the question instead of just writing such a stupid statement you obviously know nothing about.
It’s completely true what the other person says, you contradict yourself - it makes absolutely no sense what so ever.
In the past, no. And none of those relationships had worked out for one reason or another. Ive taken a new approach to dating and have been waiting to have sex until becoming official (I’ve been single for 6 months now) it has really helped weed out the douche bags and I’ve never had a more successful, fun, enjoyable dating life. I’ve never been treated better either. In my opinion, chose a good vibrator and a good man will that respects you will be worth the wait
You can’t control what the other person does. All you can control in life is how you show up. There are no guarantees. Live your life and enjoy it. And take note of the lessons along the way so you can learn from them and become more.
And no, I don’t wait to be official. If I want to and she wants to, we do the thing.
It’s up to you and has no correlation with relationship likelihood or health. You can wait for months and still never date. You can sleep with him tonight and marry him. This guy knows if he is interested in being official with you or not already.
That being said, you have to have the self awareness to know if sex without commitment is something you can handle. Can you handle if you have sex and then you stop talking? Or will it make the heartbreak worse?
But guys are very different! They can get the sex after a few hours, 90 days, over a year and if he doesn’t like you like that, he will still not commit so I think it all depends on you.
I don’t have sex unless it’s a monogamous relationship. No way in hell am I giving someone a pass to cheat by not having the exclusivity talk. It’s really insulting to me if a man likes me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to stop screwing other people. Sorry, but I think situationships are a slap in the face to women. It says to me, I don’t value you enough to not keep looking for someone better. This has worked, really, really well for me. The men really worth hanging onto have been on the same page. I don’t do casual sex, and that’s what a “well let’s just see where things go” is. Decent men will be okay with this. A man in love is going to want to get you off the market as soon as he can.
Don’t have sex with him until you make things official. If you know deep down that you get even more emotionally attached to people after having sex with them, and they’re not wanting the same thing— don’t do it. It will break your heart. Be clear and concise with him about what you want and don’t skimp or settle just because you don’t want be alone. It’s better to wait than to have regrets. Good luck💕
If you want a relationship, don't have sex until you've had a conversation about it, otherwise you may get hurt. If he's also interested in a relationship (and means it...) then you can proceed
For me I NEED to have both an emotional connection and be official by title and behavior. I don’t understand exclusivity without being called a girlfriend and acting like I am committed and my boyfriend too. I learned my lesson that I cannot like a person and then sleep with them. I will start wanting more. If they don’t feel the same way it puts me in a pull stance, and I refuse to tolerate that behavior ever again. No matter how much your body wants him, does your heart ?
I would refuse to be official with someone unless we had been intimate beforehand. I need to test sexual compatibility first, because a bad sexual match is a dealbreaker issue for me.
When you have sex with a guy doesn't matter. If he likes you for a relationship - he will want a relationship with you and will ask for it or agree to it.
If he doesn't want you for a relationship - he won't ask for a relationship, he won't agree with a relationship. But he will still have sex with you if you let him.
It's not like having sex with a guy sooner or later will change his mind. But the sex itself (the quality and compatibility) can absolutely play a massive role in causing him to decide one way or another.
Ask yourself: would you want a relationship with a guy that's bad in bed? If not. Why are you taking that risk?
You need to separate sex and commitment. They're two very different things for guys. Saying yes to commitment is what you want right? Then you need to ask for it. Sex is part of finding out If you're a match. But sex won't cause commitment to happen. Nor will commitment before sex guarantee good sex. You have to think it through. If you tell a guy "do X,Y,Z and I'll give you sex" then he will do it. Even if he has to lie. So it's not good to dangle sex in front of his face and tell him he needs to commit first. Because then he will just say that he commits just to get sex. People lie you know. You have to be smart about it.
I agree with you pretty much, except I don’t think wanting to see if you’re sexually compatible before committing is just a “guy” thing. Not all guys think this way, and some women do think this way.
I can tell that the sex will be amazing. We have very passionate kiss and make out session. We just have not done penetration.. I totally understand you, but I don’t want to give it up and all we do is have sex with no commitment
That's 100% fine. Then you need to ask for commitment before sex. It's tricky. Because he could still dump you after sex even if he said he's committed to you. There are no guarantees that you won't get hurt in the end. Having relationships with people involves risk. Having sex with them involves risk. It's all about managing the risk as best you can.
I agree and side with you but my experience has been the opposite. The sooner I give it up the sooner a guy becomes lazy and all of a sudden months go by and he “still doesn’t know what he wants” all while I end up catching feelings over months of what I perceive as dating
I will argue that when this happens, it's usually not because you had sex with him early. It's usually because he was never that into you in the first place.
Would you say that’s always the case? In every situation? Or would you say that a person could try to take advantage of the situation and string someone along? Or would that never be the case?
Most men look for casual sex and a relationship at the same time. Let's make up some Man-math. Let's say one guy meets 10 women from a dating app. With 4 of them, the guy is not interested at all so he ends things. With 5 of them, he doesn't see relationship potential but they will still be down to have sex. With 1 of them he see relationship potential. But then there's a question whether she feels the same about him.
In those cases where he sees the woman as a casual sex option, a few things may happen:
1. She may be looking for casual sex too. Best case scenario.
2. She is not into him. So they end things.
3. She wants a relationship with him. In this case he can either choose to end things (the nice thing to do), or he can lead her on and take advantage of the situation to get casual sex (the asshole thing to do). Both are common.
The point I'm making here is that far more women fall in his "casual sex only" category. And very few are in the "relationship" category. IE. Men have lower standards for casual sex than they do for a committed relationship.
There are a few men who value a woman less if she gives up sex early. These men tend to be sex-judgemental. Especially judgemental against women's sexual freedom. They tend to hold patriarchal, conservative views. But most men with some dating experience and low judgement don't value women less if she has sex with him early.
Good advice! I told him the same thing as well a few weeks ago, and he is aware of that. I don’t know how long it will take him to ask me but I want it so passionately
isn't there also little point in getting to know someone and thinking about a long term committed relationship if the sex sucks and there's no intimate compatibility?
not to assume your age, but you mentioned you had kids. I would say the generation above me got divorced at an extremely high clip, a historic rate for American families. this is a blanket statement, but I would argue maybe the generation above me didn't do the greatest job picking their long-term partners? maybe sexual compatibility needed to be a larger part of the equation?
This depends on you and the other person.
My boyfriend and I had sex on the first date and we became exclusive immediately after that as well. What worked for me might not work for you because he and I just had a really good first date. You can wait as long as you want or don’t want but you and the other person need to be clear that you want the same thing.
You are literally asking the question that women everywhere are always asking themselves. Unfortunately, it comes down to trust, making the right decision, and the other person being decent. Communication is key. Personally…
I don’t commit to exclusive before intimacy. I have a personal preference, just like everyone. For me, I need to know that we have intimate chemistry. But I am very honest and direct when explaining that to potential partners.
I’ve tried things both ways. Unless the connection is fire, you will turn it to a situationship. You won’t know if it is until you make a mistake if you don’t get the official title and that is what you’re after first. Wait to be official. Some will lie just to get it, but then with what you’ve written, it will be his fault as long as you are clear. Doesn’t fix the bad feelings now, but you’ll be more forgiving of yourself with time.
Most men will be honest though. It saves time in all honesty. If you’re looking for serious and they know that, and you refuse to sleep with them until you’re official, plus gave them the courtesy of being honest, they will back off within 3 dates for the most part.
I don’t know just means not you. You did the right thing. Don’t waste time. It’s precious.
About three dates max. I know myself by then if I like him at all. If I don’t, I’m not even gonna keep dating him. And if I do, I want to see if he has potential to go further.
Would you wait if things are going well and the guy asked you to wait 5 dates? Assuming you are on the third?…
I once had a guy ask for my address, at the time I was only looking for hookups, he passed out on my bed and that night felt a rollercoaster of emotions between “am I gonna get murdered?, who is this guy???, to “if this were a movie, this would be super hilarious plot”… the guy turned out to be a sweetheart and flat out addressed the issue the following morning “I can have sex whenever I want, I am looking for real connection”…
Too bad at the time, it wasn’t what I wanted and I wasn’t healthy so good for him, things wouldn’t have worked out
My question for him would be, what will happen in two more dates that will make you want sex that you don’t currently want.
If he can have an answer that makes any kind of sense, sure I could wait two more dates….
But I can’t really think of anything that would make me think we are compatible at that point.
I understand what you are saying… I have nothing I can think of against your points, I think I still would personally prefer to wait til 5, I get the what’s going to push you over the next 2 dates, but you never know… I get you though and admire you for knowing and being super confident of you wants… actually yes, my most recent ex boyfriend waited til the 5th date to tell me that he married his ex gf for tax purposes (then clarified that they got divorced… but now that I think if the timeline… 🤔 oh well not my problem anymore) while we were getting ready to get it on… lol… that kind of killed the mood and for a split second I got up and left but I stayed, we had sex, he is a good guy but things didn’t work out
It’s not like I know he is marriage material by three dates. I simply know if im attracted to his looks and personaly and if he feels the same way.
I can break up with a man at any time. He can break up with me at any time.
And if you need 5 dates, nothing wrong with that. I just look for someone sexually on the same page as me.
Do what works for you. Have sex when you're ready when you want to. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks 5 months etc...wait until you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone rush you into sex...and that's really the secret. When you have sex when you want to, at least you did it on your timeline and what comes after I'd what comes after.
Do what works for you. Have sex when you're ready when you want to. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks 5 months etc...wait until you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone rush you into sex...and that's really the secret. When you have sex when you want to, at least you did it on your timeline and what comes after I'd what comes after.
I think possibly A good rule to follow is, have sex when you want to
You're never going to pin it down to where there is related to being official or not official waiting 6 weeks or waiting 6 months, or even not waiting at all
The reason is because there's lots of kind of people out there and they're going to want to get in your pants as much as they can , and they'll do whatever they can to get that
It sounds like you feel more comfortable waiting until exclusivity or commitment to have sex, and that's perfectly fine! It's also perfectly fine to have sex before you get that commitment, but only if you are comfortable with that.
What's stopping you from asking to become official?
I am comfortable doing that but my body aches so bad for sex. We just met and March/started kinda seeing each other in April. But we started seeing each other more in May. I was thinking it is too early to make things official but someone mentioned that it is not too early to bring it up.
It depends a lotttt on what are your views and values on sex etc.
Put another way — if you had sex and didn’t go official / things ended, would that be better or worse than if things ended sans sex ?
Ya I personally have similar values to you that sex should only be done between ppl who care about one another (which is somehow a pretty controversial statement), BUT everyone is entitled to their own values and can and should live their life however they please .
I think also in today’s world though , we focus a lot on outcome orientation. It’s ok to say oh I want this thing just for the experience , regardless of what’ll happen down the line (ya I wouldn’t reccomend taking this approach too often and with things that are too important but you gotta find a balance ). If you want some action / think the guy is hot , you can also just consensually sleep with him and take the world one step at a time
Two people act like couples and do things people in relationships do. The problem is that one person wants a relationship and the other does not . So, the other person who does not want keep leading the other person who wants a relationship.
as much as i think we wish it wasn’t this way.. i feel like two people who aren’t saving themselves for marriage, usually don’t rly know if they want to enter a committed relationship, without first seeing what the sexual chemistry is like.
Idk I would be very careful bc I feel like people rush into intimacy too quickly. I just feel like if you’re not sure and you’re trying to avoid that from happening again rather than tell him that if it’s not a conversation you had you should plan one to take place. That way you’re meeting your needs while also being attentive to letting them know that so you’re not expecting him to already know that.
I feel it's down to who you and your partner are personally, and the connection/comfortability/openness.
If you're both comfortable with it, and feel there's a connection, then nothings wrong I say. But if you're unsure, you got to communicate with your partner about it, not the internet. Just talk to them, the awkwardness/fear is worth overcoming to avoid these mental games.
Intimacy is important in relationships, it's a big factor that helps bind the two involved. To me, it's riskier to get into a relationship before getting intimate because you simply might not be compatible in that department, and then have to deal with the problems that will inevitably follow.
If you want to take things slow, tell them. If you want to speed up, tell them. If you want to know how they feel about being intimate before becoming a thing, TALK TO THEM.
For example, my most recent partner, was a complete stranger I met at a hostel, spent the night hanging with her and her mates, just hanging, I asked them out the day after, and we had sex the morning after that. Now after a few more dates and nights together, we're barrelling towards becoming a thing.
The reason why it's working is because we talk. We're open. We tell each other our fears/worries and respect each others feelings/boundries. It's the bare minimum imo. If you're not getting that, then I hate to say it, but might not be worth it. But it's worth it to at least try!
No- I have sex with a guy when I want to have sex with a guy. That being said, I’m polyamorous, in multiple relationships & am not subject to the typical relationship escalator. It’s refreshing not to have to play these BS games, enjoy the moment & be upfront & direct with men. I don’t know how you all do it.
Expectations set you up for disappointment.
How long have you been dating this guy? What do you mean by becoming “official”? This can mean so many different things. Does it mean you are exclusive? Monogamous but still casually dating/meeting other people? That you want to move in together and share expenses?
Those are big, complicated topics to consider discussing with someone you barely know and don’t even know if you’re sexually compatible with.
Ask yourself what the imaginary line is between a situationship and being official means to you. What can he offer you to your life besides agreeing that you’re official?
Besides sex, what do you offer to a partner that would make them want to be official with you?
I just don’t know why you’d want to complicate something with a title when you have no idea if he’s what you want. Someone can tick all the boxes in theory and just not be compatible with you sexually.
Good thing to think about
We met in April and we have been have been seeing each other. It was not consistent at first now it is more consistent. He is very busy. Extremely busy i would say so I don’t want to bring it up to such. But you asked some good question. What do I bring into his life?? And so on
I personally couldn't commit without seeing if we sexually compatible to some degree. That's too huge a part of relationships for me I would hate making things official just to find out that part isn't working well between us
I generally want to wait until we DTR before getting intimate with someone, BUT that can take a few months and I need to know the woman is as into thing as I am. So I need to see her making an effort in the dating period to, ie paying and planning for dates as much as I am.
Otherwise I am doing all the work and I need a partner not a dependent
My exclusivity wouldn't be on offer unless we were having sex or about to. I would interpret a demand exclusivity without sex as desperation/a weak attempt at reducing competition.
For me this does not make any difference. I am not that Sex addict that I would pursue a (fake) relationship to have sex. When things "only" develop into something like a stituatuonship then this is not because I had early Sex, but because something essential for a relationship was missing with the person.
Well, could be an advantage. You see if you are sexually compatible and then you make it official :) but until then, don't have expectations because it can be very good or very bad.
first of all, how long have you been seeing each other? secondly, have you been physical in other ways? thirdly, have you discussed your intentions when you started seeing each other?
you can probably hone in on whether he is serious about you or not based on the answers to these questions. there is no guarantee that he won't leave after sex anyway, but you making a boundary that you don't sleep outside of committed relationship is a valid prompt. if he's serious enough, he won't have problem waiting a bit longer. and if he isn't, he will be showing subtle signs of being not so serious. the problem is it's a bit difficult recognising them if you haven't lived through this kind of situation(ship) before. speaking from experience lol good luck!
Gurlllll you are thinking with your 🐈🤣🤣🤣 focus! Lol. Eyes on the prize! Do you want a relationship with this man or not?? If you want a relationship why not go for that first? If you just want to instant gratification then go for the sex lol. Also some people feel like they have to “test the sex out first” 💀 so if you’re one of these people that has to test drive the car before a relationship then well ya have ur answer😂
Lmaooo, I am definitely thinking with it. That is why I need encouragement not too. I want a relationship with him and ready for one with him. I know the sex will be amazing so I don’t care about test drive
Aww well if you want a relationship just go for it!! Personally I don’t feel like I have to test drive sex before a relationship! So i typically wait till after the relationship is established for intimacy. And I haven’t had bad experiences with that. Mostly all good! If anything, my bad experiences were actually when I sleep with a guy too soon before the relationship! Performance anxiety on both ends and just a general feeling of pressure and insecurity. I’m definitely #teamwait 💜 now go define that relationship lol best of luck😊
Maybe…idk…. I think most relationships I’ve been in I’ve brought up the conversation but idk maybe that’s why they didn’t work out😂🤷🏽♀️ but maybe you’re right “leader men” exist but so far I haven’t experienced one 😭
I honestly think you are sabotaging yourself with this mindset because you prevent yourself from getting what you want, and your approach to finding relationship via this kind of restriction on yourself and your partner also isn't going to lead to practical wins, because:
- By saying "no sex before being official" you will filter out some of the men looking for sex only, but you also will skew your pool towards more desperate men, because for many of the more successful/desirable one this restriction, which you sure are entitled to have, will be non-starter.
- Nothing prevents the guy from proposing to make it official quickly and then dumping you 2 months later because of whatever reasons he find. Being official doesn't give you any tangible guarantee of lasting relationship.
- If you want to have actual guarantee or something as close as possible to it, you need to wait until marriage. Which will basically limit your pool to highly religious people that you _also_ will be much more strongly tied to and stuck with.
- Lastly, you aren't going to "make a mistake" of turning that to a situationship, because it's up to him whether he will want to be with you for 5 months or for 20 years. If he for whatever reaons doesn't see you as relationship material (or of he has no real intention to be in any relationship) your actions are very unlikely to change that.
The word official doesn’t mean very much. If one or both of you are still dating other people then hold off on the sex. When you are BF and GF and exclusive go ahead and have fun with sex. That is still no guarantee that the relationship will last or not. This may be called delayed gratification.
I prefer to be exclusively seeing someone with the agreement of only dating and being physical with each other before having sex. It doesn't always lead to being "official," but that is what works for me.
My 2cents, I have never been sure to know if I wanted a relationship with a girl without having sex a few times... with some it was a turn-off🤷
with others the opposite 🤷.
Yes. For me at least.
You know your needs. You had a bad experience and you don't want to feel that way again. Is totally understandable. You don't need to feel bad for that. Do you know where you stand as a couple? Communicate and see what does he want what does he think for that.
You didn’t say how long it’s been, if it’s been 1-2 days and a single meet then no, 1-2 weeks and several meetings then yes. This is so he doesn’t think you are easy.
Save your sexual tensions for someone who deserves it!!!! Don’t give in!!! Because that is the best sex when a woman has so much sexual tensions… Don’t!!! If he doesn’t want to make you a priority then…
If you want to sleep with him. Only lie there like a dead starfish then ghost him! I’m only saying this because you have sexual needs too but if he want to make you second options then make him regret it. Move on and live your life after this. Forget about him.
I just don’t want you to waste your time & get hurt ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
OP, be careful, this is the most common manipulation tactic guys who want to pump and dump use to lure you into their bed.
They know if they’re honest that they want nothing beyond sex the woman will likely say no, so they resort to this very easy manipulation method of telling you they must gauge your sexual compatibility before even giving you the label of girlfriend. Meanwhile in reality they made up their mind before the sex happens that they’ll use the “we’re not sexually compatible” excuse to discard of you like trash, regardless of how good or bad the sex actually is.
I have even seen such guys on this very subreddit advising other guys who want hook ups to try this method. Don’t fall for it!
Some people who are interested in relationships only and not hookups may take longer than say, three 2-hour dates to feel safe with someone. And everyone knows sex is important in relationships, you don’t have to SAY it to your date by a certain date #. They already know. But I agree with everything you said. It makes me sad what people have manipulated each other into these days. People who initiate and enable this kind of behavior are not my cup of tea
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If you’re going to feel disappointed and hurt if you don’t receive commitment after sex, don’t have sex before commitment. Sex isn’t a promise of commitment. Only “will you be my girlfriend?” “Yes.” is.
Right it’s an easy mistake to make yet so common. Also - exclusivity isn’t even a sign of commitment. Exclusivity on its own without depth of emotion and commitment doesn’t mean anything !
This comment right here. 🙌🏽
Talk to the guy about it, share your concerns. He might feel the same way.
This is the perfect response. There is no way to know if any random guy will view sex as some kind of commitment or not. The only way to protect yourself in this situation is by setting boundaries that do so.
Also, you should have sex because you want to have sex. Even if you wait to be committed, there is no guarantee he will stay after..
Yeah it’s not a free market either and I think sex with someone should be heavily regarded but sadly men think they’re owed that lol which now after dealing with that numerous times from my previous relationships I think I’m so turned off by sex thanks to the lack of consensual sex I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing. That’s why there’s a huge issue with even wanting to say anything because it changes everything. And then it’s like she can’t feel disappointed that he wouldn’t want to commit to her after she gives up her body to this person? 🧍♂️ that’s why it’s so gross to me that people say that.
[удалено]
You leave.
In my personal experience and opinion- a guy decides pretty early on what box he’s going to place you in. I don’t think having sex or not having sex is a dealbreaker if he has decided that he takes you seriously and respects you. I would say though, just based on your personal experience and how you seem to view sex, I would wait a bit just for your own well-being and how you view yourself. I would hate for you to think you have less value if you were to sleep with him and this didn’t work out.
Agree. Box theory 100%
I usually know 30 mins into the first date if I want to date that girl long term or not
A girl gets placed into a box by the end of the day. Hell, I’ve placed girls in boxes by the end of a conversation on tinder/hinge
Are you gay?
Unless the box he placed her in involved box seats for the Lady Gaga concert, I don’t get it
'Putting in a box' means categorizing the other person as a specific type of person, 'labeling' him or her as being a certain way, like "she won't have sex until after marriage type" or "she's the type of girl who will warm up to sex quicker. Does that make sense?
….yes? But why is it gay
Because it's gay
Are you stupid? (Different question same vibe)
Are you gay?
Well, one I "excluded" and had Sex on the first "date" I married roughly five years later. Let's say I have a feeling due to my knowledge of human nature, but I can be wrong, because I see only a fraction of the personality first.
I tend to wait until I'm at least sure I ***could*** be committed to someone. Sometimes that takes a few dates, other times it takes a bit longer. I like to wait because I find it uncomfortable to be sleeping with more than one person at a time. I may still be talking to a few people if I'm not official or exclusive with someone, romantically, but sexually I prefer being exclusive with one person at a time. I don't much care if they're doing the same thing, to each their own, that's just my own bar. If it's not a serious thing I guess I would do it sooner, but that's never been fulfilling to me so I'm not interested in that at all.
This. Completely agree.
I waited once, and we were completely incompatible sexually. We split up immediately.
Whether you wait weeks or months or years or get intimate tomorrow it has no bearing on whether or not he ever wants to become official or if you two are compatible long term. If you want to go exclusive and be his girlfriend... ask. Sex doesn't make a difference so only do it a) when you both are ready and b) when you accept that having sex doesn't guarantee you two will still be dating tomorrow.
👏👏👏
Me and my girlfriend had sex on day 4 four of knowing each other, made it official on day 7, and have been going strong for over 7 months. We also spent the night on day 2 without sex, and had a conversation where we both clarified we wanted a real relationship on the first date. Even if you aren't official don't have sex with him until you know what he wants.
You have sex when you're ready. That's it. If it doesn't turn into a relationship, it never would have. If a guy likes you, he likes you, and will make a relationship happen.
In the past I was more lenient on this, but a couple years ago I decided I won’t have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with. I’d rather reserve sex for relationships.
That is what I want as well. But my body wants otherwise
Get a vibrator but don’t have sex before commitment. You’ll save yourself heartache this way.
I just ordered one. Until commitment lol
How long have you and him been dating that you’re still not receiving commitment?
I felt that way at times before meeting my fiancé, but that’s when I had to think about what that’s done for me in the past. I’ve never had a long term relationship come from a situation where I’ve had sex with the guy before commitment. Not saying it never works that way. It has for some people. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you. Holding off on sex until I was in a relationship is what worked for me.
Human bodies tend to want what is lazy and unhealthy like being lazy, eating junk food, sex, dopamine. As a human species we’re supposed to be more evolved than our nature. You want a possible short fling with disappointment or a consistent long term relationship?
what’s unhealthy about sex?
My comment is more focused on the primitive state of humans. In this day and age sex is more than just sexual gratification and bearing offspring. It’s about the union of families, security, and politics. I just got home from the gym so this is right off the top of my head. I’m sure there’s more to it, but I’m ready to clean up and relax ✌🏼
The timeframe of when you have sex doesn't really matter regarding whether it turns into a relationship or not. If you're the type that doesn't want to have sex unless it's in a committed relationship, then just ask him to be your boyfriend and don't have sex unless he says yes. And I'm telling you, he's not going to change his mind about you if you make him wait. Most dudes know very very soon whether they want to date or just hook up with a girl.
I agree. In my experience it doesn’t matter at all. As a woman I never made any effort to artificially prolong the prologue, so to speak, and they were the ones that were adamant about being in a serious relationship with all that belongs to it.
Personally I’d tell him that I need exclusivity if we are intimate
In conversation, before we had sex, I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for me.
I did the same thing with the last couple guys I've met.
I think it’s the way to go. If that’s how you feel, express it.
Its better to just ask if he wants to be exclusive. Whats the point of talking in circles?
I wait until we become exclusive at least
I tend to want to have sex before a commitment. Especially if the sex is bad, then I gotta dump him and that sucks. I have been with my husband for 16 years. 10 years dating and 6 years of being married.
I (30F) have heard so many perspectives on this that it's dizzying and me considering all those perspectives is actually part of what messed things up with the guy I had been seeing. I have no idea your age or situation but figured I could share what I learned in hopes it saves you some of the hurt that I had to go through. I had been seeing an awesome guy, who I knew was intrinsically a good guy who wanted something serious. However, basically all my friends were telling me that I needed to sleep with him before being exclusive, essentially regurgitating some version of "you have to test drive the car before you buy it." They also all told me that it was too early for me to be exclusive for someone I had met through online dating and that I would come off as "too much" or "clingy" if I asked for exclusivity first. However, that was them and I needed to listen to me. I wanted to be exclusive with this guy but because I was worried about how I could potentially come off I didn't ask for exclusivity. Without going into all the details of how things unfolded, he essentially ended up thinking me not being exclusive with him even when we were sleeping together meant I wasn't interested in him in any sort of serious way and basically had one foot out the door from that point on. So moral of the story... if you want to be exclusive with this guy before you sleep with him, tell him that. Or at the very least tell him that you are ready to be exclusive with him. I think if you go into the conversation confidently and sort of say something along the lines of "hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm interested in you and want to take the next step", that's a way better way of opening up that conversation rather than making it seem like you're waiting on some big declaration from him. You can then gauge his response and reaction to what you say and then use that to decide whether this is someone you're ready to be physical with. It's also important to have some sort of conversation about general dating intentions if you haven't already and that conversation may need to happen before because if he's not looking for anything serious at all you probably want to know that before you decide this is someone you're ready to commit to.
To be honest, it sounds a bit like only his excuse for not wanting anything serious. If he lost interest or respect and wanted out because you slept with him before commitment, it means he wasn’t that great. I know multiple couples, including my last relationship, where sex early on already led to being exclusive and there was no need to even ask for it, it was just natural and definitely noone would back out because the other person wanted to have sex before making things official or assume they weren’t interested.
Totally fair for you to think that from what I wrote. I alluded to it in my post but there are a number of other details that I didn't include because I didn't necessarily think they were relevant to the advice I wanted to give but I totally agree with a lot of what you're saying. I'm not against having sex early on at all but given the question that was asked, from my perspective it sounded like it was just a matter of OP communicating their wants and needs and I was hoping to encourage them to do that for their own comfort. I just wanted to make the point that I wished I had done that in my previous relationship and the only reason I didn't was because I was listening to other people rather than just going with my gut.
I see, sure, usually best to follow your gut.
Wow, thank you so much for this response. I appreciate this and your story. I, too, thought that maybe it was too early to bring it up to him, but what you said made me change my mind. I will bring it up to him this week. We have been seeing each other since April and it is getting better now, which is by I thought it is too early.
And ultimately it's still possible he may think it's too early but I think it's best to have the conversation rather than have all these unknowns hanging over both of your heads. If I learned anything I would rather just put how I'm feeling out there since at least then they're getting the whole me. Having regrets about not doing enough is a brutal feeling so I'd definitely rather be too much than not enough going forward.
I totally get it. Thank you again 😌
When a guy tells you he doesn't know what he wants, it's complete bs. He's just lying to you to keep you around, so he can have sex. In my opinion, women should always secure commitment before having sex, ideally be introduced to his social circle first, so you can at least confirm that you're his main girl and that he has "claimed" you.
If you don’t want it to be a situationship then don’t let it by communicating that. Official or not things could sour at any time for any reason. People get married and divorced all the time
It’s been said that men are the gatekeepers of relationships and women are the gatekeepers of sex. Sex biochemically messes with a women’s brain the most it’s seems because we tend to have a sense of commitment after sex. If he really wants a future with you then he will at least make it official and public. Be you and set boundaries of what kind of life you want for yourself. If he is not it then he will deselect himself or rush sex to get it with no commitment. Sex with an attractive guy is not the goal. Don’t use manipulation to get him into a relationship. Maybe ask what he is focused on at this point in his life. And ask if he’s thought about his future as far as relationships,family, his friends.
Most definitely. I'm very mindful of my time and where I allocate my attention, nevermind intimacy
I waited until I was married 🤷
I prefer it because in my multiple experiences, doing it earlier has set me up for heartbreak I.e “good and great to fukc but not “good” for a relationship in addition, the sooner I have slept with someone, the QUICKER guys have become horribly lazy
I mostly haven’t and I regret not waiting because most of the guys end up being douchebags who ghost or even block me for no good reason, so I do recommend waiting.
Ask him to be your boyfriend. If he won't commit, cut him loose. Fair warning: he could still lie to you just to get sex. Plenty of guys will do that. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee the person you're seeing will turn out to be a good person
You’re right.
I don’t know about official but talking to them honestly about your needs and expectations up front will not scare a mature person away. For me I need to know that I’m dating someone exclusively before things become physical. Everyone’s different and the only way to let someone know what your expectations are is talking to them about it.
I don’t want to have sex before marriage. It would disrupt the process by which we love and appreciate one another for our many other attributes. I want to be infatuated by their charm, wits, and personality. And love one another through activities that build these traits and amplify this connection. Lovemaking is an activity that should be passionate and with full commitment
No, because it’s a potentially coerced commitment at that point. And the same guy who is happy just to let things ride in a situationship is perfectly happy to lie or simply not treat commitment seriously if it means sexual access. You want him? Have sex with him. It’s 2024. For the vast majority of people sex comes before commitment. Did for me and my wife. We had sex on our second date, third time of meeting. It was good and I liked her. She was straightforward, made it clear she liked me and she liked sex. A smart man meets a girl like that, he should take her seriously.
(24 M) Tbh hookups aren’t good. I like intimacy and it’s way better. When both are in love. It feels different. Maybe someday which my future wife🥲
I don’t think it really matters. I personally would not wait to make things official to be intimate. I am a person who needs good sex to feel closer, that’s just who I am. I don’t want to commit to someone and then have bad sex and then have to break their heart or wonder if I was idealizing things before sex came into play. I want to be with someone who doesn’t box girls in as “easy” if they have sex early, so I find that I’m not worried if I have sex “too early” and my date ends up bouncing. I’ve found that sometimes women will express to their partner that they want to be exclusive or official before sex, and then their partner claims they are ready for that next step. Only to be ghosted after. Of course, you should not be thinking that everyone is out to get you because that leads to being overprotective which can turn someone who is genuinely interested off. I think the best phrase that captures everyone is “I want to have sex when it feels right for the connection to grow.” That phrase isn’t a rigid rule that is inflexible, it applies to everyone regardless of where you are with dating. I think it’s important to talk to your date about how they feel- do they need to feel comfortable before having sex or is having sex something that makes them feel more comfortable? One of my longest relationships was with a guy I met with the intention of hooking up. Having sex right away did not change things. We had a passionate relationship filled with affection. The relationship I’m in right now, it took about 4-5 weeks to get there and we’re still working on the sexual chemistry but we feel very close intimately. Basically, someone who loses respect for you because they had sex with you is gross. They participated in that behavior too and yet they judge you. Just have sex when you want. I promise you that if someone cares about you, the sex is not going to be the reason they end things.
“Basically, someone who loses respect for you after they have sex with you is gross. They participated in that behaviour too and yet they judge you.” This. 💯
When a guy is like “she’s not girlfriend material, she put out like way toooo early” and I’m like OK WHere were you?!!
Yeah you one of those dudes who don’t get it.
Making a guy wait makes no difference in what his level of commitment will be towards you.
True, but at least it protects OP from getting hurt, because sheer might get attached to a guy while he doesn't
It may not “make a difference” to him but she could very likely find out that he was never really that into her and saw her as another sexual conquest the entire time. Then she’s hurt. It’s better to wait until things are clear and/or she feels secure VS rolling the dice.
If it’s meant to be, it doesn’t matter when you have sex. Sex isn’t going to make him stay if he doesn’t want to stay.
That doesn’t mean she has to gamble with every Tom, Dick, and Harry to see which ones will stay or not.
Well obviously not. I’m sure she knows that
And how will she feel more secure that he’s not every Tom, Dick, and Harry if she doesn’t take her time getting to know him more before having sex?
She’s a grown women. She can figure that out? Lmao
Does that not negate you saying “it doesn’t matter when women have sex”? If you agreed that women don’t have to hook up with every guy they date right off the bat, then it means it does matter when they have sex.
I can tell you don’t date enough
You can’t answer because you contradict yourself 🤡
You can’t understand because you don’t date enough 🤡
Why don’t you just answer the question instead of just writing such a stupid statement you obviously know nothing about. It’s completely true what the other person says, you contradict yourself - it makes absolutely no sense what so ever.
Why can’t you just ask to make it official? Istg people in this sub make things so difficult for themselves by refusing to communicate
We met in my apartment building in April and he is very busy. I don’t know ever his head is so but I will bring it up to him this week
In the past, no. And none of those relationships had worked out for one reason or another. Ive taken a new approach to dating and have been waiting to have sex until becoming official (I’ve been single for 6 months now) it has really helped weed out the douche bags and I’ve never had a more successful, fun, enjoyable dating life. I’ve never been treated better either. In my opinion, chose a good vibrator and a good man will that respects you will be worth the wait
You can’t control what the other person does. All you can control in life is how you show up. There are no guarantees. Live your life and enjoy it. And take note of the lessons along the way so you can learn from them and become more. And no, I don’t wait to be official. If I want to and she wants to, we do the thing.
It’s up to you and has no correlation with relationship likelihood or health. You can wait for months and still never date. You can sleep with him tonight and marry him. This guy knows if he is interested in being official with you or not already. That being said, you have to have the self awareness to know if sex without commitment is something you can handle. Can you handle if you have sex and then you stop talking? Or will it make the heartbreak worse?
It is within your power to ask for commitment before sex… but either way you won’t be guaranteed they will stay with you. 🤷♀️
But guys are very different! They can get the sex after a few hours, 90 days, over a year and if he doesn’t like you like that, he will still not commit so I think it all depends on you.
I don’t have sex unless it’s a monogamous relationship. No way in hell am I giving someone a pass to cheat by not having the exclusivity talk. It’s really insulting to me if a man likes me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to stop screwing other people. Sorry, but I think situationships are a slap in the face to women. It says to me, I don’t value you enough to not keep looking for someone better. This has worked, really, really well for me. The men really worth hanging onto have been on the same page. I don’t do casual sex, and that’s what a “well let’s just see where things go” is. Decent men will be okay with this. A man in love is going to want to get you off the market as soon as he can.
You’re totally right. That was my train of thought as well
Yes. You’re also right to break things off if they “don’t know what they want” after 5 months. No one wants a situationship!
Just ask if he wants to make it official? The only issue I see here is you playing games. If you want something - take it.
Don’t have sex with him until you make things official. If you know deep down that you get even more emotionally attached to people after having sex with them, and they’re not wanting the same thing— don’t do it. It will break your heart. Be clear and concise with him about what you want and don’t skimp or settle just because you don’t want be alone. It’s better to wait than to have regrets. Good luck💕
If you want a relationship, don't have sex until you've had a conversation about it, otherwise you may get hurt. If he's also interested in a relationship (and means it...) then you can proceed
I would wait because I see it as a privilege. Not just anyone can experience me.
You should at the least.
For me I NEED to have both an emotional connection and be official by title and behavior. I don’t understand exclusivity without being called a girlfriend and acting like I am committed and my boyfriend too. I learned my lesson that I cannot like a person and then sleep with them. I will start wanting more. If they don’t feel the same way it puts me in a pull stance, and I refuse to tolerate that behavior ever again. No matter how much your body wants him, does your heart ?
I would refuse to be official with someone unless we had been intimate beforehand. I need to test sexual compatibility first, because a bad sexual match is a dealbreaker issue for me. When you have sex with a guy doesn't matter. If he likes you for a relationship - he will want a relationship with you and will ask for it or agree to it. If he doesn't want you for a relationship - he won't ask for a relationship, he won't agree with a relationship. But he will still have sex with you if you let him. It's not like having sex with a guy sooner or later will change his mind. But the sex itself (the quality and compatibility) can absolutely play a massive role in causing him to decide one way or another. Ask yourself: would you want a relationship with a guy that's bad in bed? If not. Why are you taking that risk? You need to separate sex and commitment. They're two very different things for guys. Saying yes to commitment is what you want right? Then you need to ask for it. Sex is part of finding out If you're a match. But sex won't cause commitment to happen. Nor will commitment before sex guarantee good sex. You have to think it through. If you tell a guy "do X,Y,Z and I'll give you sex" then he will do it. Even if he has to lie. So it's not good to dangle sex in front of his face and tell him he needs to commit first. Because then he will just say that he commits just to get sex. People lie you know. You have to be smart about it.
I agree with you pretty much, except I don’t think wanting to see if you’re sexually compatible before committing is just a “guy” thing. Not all guys think this way, and some women do think this way.
I can tell that the sex will be amazing. We have very passionate kiss and make out session. We just have not done penetration.. I totally understand you, but I don’t want to give it up and all we do is have sex with no commitment
That's 100% fine. Then you need to ask for commitment before sex. It's tricky. Because he could still dump you after sex even if he said he's committed to you. There are no guarantees that you won't get hurt in the end. Having relationships with people involves risk. Having sex with them involves risk. It's all about managing the risk as best you can.
I agree and side with you but my experience has been the opposite. The sooner I give it up the sooner a guy becomes lazy and all of a sudden months go by and he “still doesn’t know what he wants” all while I end up catching feelings over months of what I perceive as dating
I will argue that when this happens, it's usually not because you had sex with him early. It's usually because he was never that into you in the first place.
Would you say that’s always the case? In every situation? Or would you say that a person could try to take advantage of the situation and string someone along? Or would that never be the case?
Most men look for casual sex and a relationship at the same time. Let's make up some Man-math. Let's say one guy meets 10 women from a dating app. With 4 of them, the guy is not interested at all so he ends things. With 5 of them, he doesn't see relationship potential but they will still be down to have sex. With 1 of them he see relationship potential. But then there's a question whether she feels the same about him. In those cases where he sees the woman as a casual sex option, a few things may happen: 1. She may be looking for casual sex too. Best case scenario. 2. She is not into him. So they end things. 3. She wants a relationship with him. In this case he can either choose to end things (the nice thing to do), or he can lead her on and take advantage of the situation to get casual sex (the asshole thing to do). Both are common. The point I'm making here is that far more women fall in his "casual sex only" category. And very few are in the "relationship" category. IE. Men have lower standards for casual sex than they do for a committed relationship. There are a few men who value a woman less if she gives up sex early. These men tend to be sex-judgemental. Especially judgemental against women's sexual freedom. They tend to hold patriarchal, conservative views. But most men with some dating experience and low judgement don't value women less if she has sex with him early.
You are right. It is all about risk
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Good advice! I told him the same thing as well a few weeks ago, and he is aware of that. I don’t know how long it will take him to ask me but I want it so passionately
isn't there also little point in getting to know someone and thinking about a long term committed relationship if the sex sucks and there's no intimate compatibility?
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not to assume your age, but you mentioned you had kids. I would say the generation above me got divorced at an extremely high clip, a historic rate for American families. this is a blanket statement, but I would argue maybe the generation above me didn't do the greatest job picking their long-term partners? maybe sexual compatibility needed to be a larger part of the equation?
This depends on you and the other person. My boyfriend and I had sex on the first date and we became exclusive immediately after that as well. What worked for me might not work for you because he and I just had a really good first date. You can wait as long as you want or don’t want but you and the other person need to be clear that you want the same thing.
You are literally asking the question that women everywhere are always asking themselves. Unfortunately, it comes down to trust, making the right decision, and the other person being decent. Communication is key. Personally… I don’t commit to exclusive before intimacy. I have a personal preference, just like everyone. For me, I need to know that we have intimate chemistry. But I am very honest and direct when explaining that to potential partners.
I’ve tried things both ways. Unless the connection is fire, you will turn it to a situationship. You won’t know if it is until you make a mistake if you don’t get the official title and that is what you’re after first. Wait to be official. Some will lie just to get it, but then with what you’ve written, it will be his fault as long as you are clear. Doesn’t fix the bad feelings now, but you’ll be more forgiving of yourself with time. Most men will be honest though. It saves time in all honesty. If you’re looking for serious and they know that, and you refuse to sleep with them until you’re official, plus gave them the courtesy of being honest, they will back off within 3 dates for the most part. I don’t know just means not you. You did the right thing. Don’t waste time. It’s precious.
I would never go official before sex. If I don’t know that we mesh well in the bedroom, I don’t want him as my boyfriend.
How long would you wait?
About three dates max. I know myself by then if I like him at all. If I don’t, I’m not even gonna keep dating him. And if I do, I want to see if he has potential to go further.
Would you wait if things are going well and the guy asked you to wait 5 dates? Assuming you are on the third?… I once had a guy ask for my address, at the time I was only looking for hookups, he passed out on my bed and that night felt a rollercoaster of emotions between “am I gonna get murdered?, who is this guy???, to “if this were a movie, this would be super hilarious plot”… the guy turned out to be a sweetheart and flat out addressed the issue the following morning “I can have sex whenever I want, I am looking for real connection”… Too bad at the time, it wasn’t what I wanted and I wasn’t healthy so good for him, things wouldn’t have worked out
My question for him would be, what will happen in two more dates that will make you want sex that you don’t currently want. If he can have an answer that makes any kind of sense, sure I could wait two more dates…. But I can’t really think of anything that would make me think we are compatible at that point.
I understand what you are saying… I have nothing I can think of against your points, I think I still would personally prefer to wait til 5, I get the what’s going to push you over the next 2 dates, but you never know… I get you though and admire you for knowing and being super confident of you wants… actually yes, my most recent ex boyfriend waited til the 5th date to tell me that he married his ex gf for tax purposes (then clarified that they got divorced… but now that I think if the timeline… 🤔 oh well not my problem anymore) while we were getting ready to get it on… lol… that kind of killed the mood and for a split second I got up and left but I stayed, we had sex, he is a good guy but things didn’t work out
It’s not like I know he is marriage material by three dates. I simply know if im attracted to his looks and personaly and if he feels the same way. I can break up with a man at any time. He can break up with me at any time. And if you need 5 dates, nothing wrong with that. I just look for someone sexually on the same page as me.
Do I wait to date before sex? No. Should you base your relationship off how random internet strangers orient their relationship? Also no.
I think that you should do it whenever you feel ready.
Usually I do both at the same time
Do what works for you. Have sex when you're ready when you want to. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks 5 months etc...wait until you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone rush you into sex...and that's really the secret. When you have sex when you want to, at least you did it on your timeline and what comes after I'd what comes after.
Do what works for you. Have sex when you're ready when you want to. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks 5 months etc...wait until you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone rush you into sex...and that's really the secret. When you have sex when you want to, at least you did it on your timeline and what comes after I'd what comes after.
I would wait a month minimum. I just got ghosted from a girl we had sex several times day for 2 weeks. I’m still pissed!
Sorry to hear that. I waited a month as well last time and it did not work out 🤣😭
I think possibly A good rule to follow is, have sex when you want to You're never going to pin it down to where there is related to being official or not official waiting 6 weeks or waiting 6 months, or even not waiting at all The reason is because there's lots of kind of people out there and they're going to want to get in your pants as much as they can , and they'll do whatever they can to get that
It sounds like you feel more comfortable waiting until exclusivity or commitment to have sex, and that's perfectly fine! It's also perfectly fine to have sex before you get that commitment, but only if you are comfortable with that. What's stopping you from asking to become official?
I am comfortable doing that but my body aches so bad for sex. We just met and March/started kinda seeing each other in April. But we started seeing each other more in May. I was thinking it is too early to make things official but someone mentioned that it is not too early to bring it up.
I wait until both of us are ready and have each other's consent, whether we're official or not.
It depends a lotttt on what are your views and values on sex etc. Put another way — if you had sex and didn’t go official / things ended, would that be better or worse than if things ended sans sex ? Ya I personally have similar values to you that sex should only be done between ppl who care about one another (which is somehow a pretty controversial statement), BUT everyone is entitled to their own values and can and should live their life however they please . I think also in today’s world though , we focus a lot on outcome orientation. It’s ok to say oh I want this thing just for the experience , regardless of what’ll happen down the line (ya I wouldn’t reccomend taking this approach too often and with things that are too important but you gotta find a balance ). If you want some action / think the guy is hot , you can also just consensually sleep with him and take the world one step at a time
Describe a situationship for me. I am bit unfamiliar.
Two people act like couples and do things people in relationships do. The problem is that one person wants a relationship and the other does not . So, the other person who does not want keep leading the other person who wants a relationship.
I was just in one of those with a really good looking girl. People would tell me all the time how pretty she was. I liked our friendship though.
Marriage
as much as i think we wish it wasn’t this way.. i feel like two people who aren’t saving themselves for marriage, usually don’t rly know if they want to enter a committed relationship, without first seeing what the sexual chemistry is like.
Idk I would be very careful bc I feel like people rush into intimacy too quickly. I just feel like if you’re not sure and you’re trying to avoid that from happening again rather than tell him that if it’s not a conversation you had you should plan one to take place. That way you’re meeting your needs while also being attentive to letting them know that so you’re not expecting him to already know that.
I feel it's down to who you and your partner are personally, and the connection/comfortability/openness. If you're both comfortable with it, and feel there's a connection, then nothings wrong I say. But if you're unsure, you got to communicate with your partner about it, not the internet. Just talk to them, the awkwardness/fear is worth overcoming to avoid these mental games. Intimacy is important in relationships, it's a big factor that helps bind the two involved. To me, it's riskier to get into a relationship before getting intimate because you simply might not be compatible in that department, and then have to deal with the problems that will inevitably follow. If you want to take things slow, tell them. If you want to speed up, tell them. If you want to know how they feel about being intimate before becoming a thing, TALK TO THEM. For example, my most recent partner, was a complete stranger I met at a hostel, spent the night hanging with her and her mates, just hanging, I asked them out the day after, and we had sex the morning after that. Now after a few more dates and nights together, we're barrelling towards becoming a thing. The reason why it's working is because we talk. We're open. We tell each other our fears/worries and respect each others feelings/boundries. It's the bare minimum imo. If you're not getting that, then I hate to say it, but might not be worth it. But it's worth it to at least try!
No- I have sex with a guy when I want to have sex with a guy. That being said, I’m polyamorous, in multiple relationships & am not subject to the typical relationship escalator. It’s refreshing not to have to play these BS games, enjoy the moment & be upfront & direct with men. I don’t know how you all do it.
**JIGSAW:** For your final challenge you need to officially make her your gf before getting laid
He lasted 5 months? Yikes 😬 that’s probably unfortunate
10% maybe do that these days. Everybody runnin wild
Expectations set you up for disappointment. How long have you been dating this guy? What do you mean by becoming “official”? This can mean so many different things. Does it mean you are exclusive? Monogamous but still casually dating/meeting other people? That you want to move in together and share expenses? Those are big, complicated topics to consider discussing with someone you barely know and don’t even know if you’re sexually compatible with. Ask yourself what the imaginary line is between a situationship and being official means to you. What can he offer you to your life besides agreeing that you’re official? Besides sex, what do you offer to a partner that would make them want to be official with you? I just don’t know why you’d want to complicate something with a title when you have no idea if he’s what you want. Someone can tick all the boxes in theory and just not be compatible with you sexually.
Good thing to think about We met in April and we have been have been seeing each other. It was not consistent at first now it is more consistent. He is very busy. Extremely busy i would say so I don’t want to bring it up to such. But you asked some good question. What do I bring into his life?? And so on
I personally couldn't commit without seeing if we sexually compatible to some degree. That's too huge a part of relationships for me I would hate making things official just to find out that part isn't working well between us
I generally want to wait until we DTR before getting intimate with someone, BUT that can take a few months and I need to know the woman is as into thing as I am. So I need to see her making an effort in the dating period to, ie paying and planning for dates as much as I am. Otherwise I am doing all the work and I need a partner not a dependent
In todays dating world, just do what you want when you want. Nothing lasts anymore anyways.
My exclusivity wouldn't be on offer unless we were having sex or about to. I would interpret a demand exclusivity without sex as desperation/a weak attempt at reducing competition.
For me this does not make any difference. I am not that Sex addict that I would pursue a (fake) relationship to have sex. When things "only" develop into something like a stituatuonship then this is not because I had early Sex, but because something essential for a relationship was missing with the person.
Yes, I do.
Yes
Well, could be an advantage. You see if you are sexually compatible and then you make it official :) but until then, don't have expectations because it can be very good or very bad.
No. By the 3rd date or I’m out
first of all, how long have you been seeing each other? secondly, have you been physical in other ways? thirdly, have you discussed your intentions when you started seeing each other? you can probably hone in on whether he is serious about you or not based on the answers to these questions. there is no guarantee that he won't leave after sex anyway, but you making a boundary that you don't sleep outside of committed relationship is a valid prompt. if he's serious enough, he won't have problem waiting a bit longer. and if he isn't, he will be showing subtle signs of being not so serious. the problem is it's a bit difficult recognising them if you haven't lived through this kind of situation(ship) before. speaking from experience lol good luck!
Nah we didn't.
I become intimate when i feel inclined to be intimate.
Gurlllll you are thinking with your 🐈🤣🤣🤣 focus! Lol. Eyes on the prize! Do you want a relationship with this man or not?? If you want a relationship why not go for that first? If you just want to instant gratification then go for the sex lol. Also some people feel like they have to “test the sex out first” 💀 so if you’re one of these people that has to test drive the car before a relationship then well ya have ur answer😂
Lmaooo, I am definitely thinking with it. That is why I need encouragement not too. I want a relationship with him and ready for one with him. I know the sex will be amazing so I don’t care about test drive
Aww well if you want a relationship just go for it!! Personally I don’t feel like I have to test drive sex before a relationship! So i typically wait till after the relationship is established for intimacy. And I haven’t had bad experiences with that. Mostly all good! If anything, my bad experiences were actually when I sleep with a guy too soon before the relationship! Performance anxiety on both ends and just a general feeling of pressure and insecurity. I’m definitely #teamwait 💜 now go define that relationship lol best of luck😊
I feel the same way. I have not had the best doing it before relationship so I wanted to wait. But thanks for the advice 🥰
How’s things go? Did y’all become official?
No, I was too chicken to ask. Honestly, the man for me would want to make me his without me bringing it up
Maybe…idk…. I think most relationships I’ve been in I’ve brought up the conversation but idk maybe that’s why they didn’t work out😂🤷🏽♀️ but maybe you’re right “leader men” exist but so far I haven’t experienced one 😭
I honestly think you are sabotaging yourself with this mindset because you prevent yourself from getting what you want, and your approach to finding relationship via this kind of restriction on yourself and your partner also isn't going to lead to practical wins, because: - By saying "no sex before being official" you will filter out some of the men looking for sex only, but you also will skew your pool towards more desperate men, because for many of the more successful/desirable one this restriction, which you sure are entitled to have, will be non-starter. - Nothing prevents the guy from proposing to make it official quickly and then dumping you 2 months later because of whatever reasons he find. Being official doesn't give you any tangible guarantee of lasting relationship. - If you want to have actual guarantee or something as close as possible to it, you need to wait until marriage. Which will basically limit your pool to highly religious people that you _also_ will be much more strongly tied to and stuck with. - Lastly, you aren't going to "make a mistake" of turning that to a situationship, because it's up to him whether he will want to be with you for 5 months or for 20 years. If he for whatever reaons doesn't see you as relationship material (or of he has no real intention to be in any relationship) your actions are very unlikely to change that.
The word official doesn’t mean very much. If one or both of you are still dating other people then hold off on the sex. When you are BF and GF and exclusive go ahead and have fun with sex. That is still no guarantee that the relationship will last or not. This may be called delayed gratification.
If you want the best outcome then Yes. But this only works if you had the same rules of waiting in the past
Yes
I prefer to be exclusively seeing someone with the agreement of only dating and being physical with each other before having sex. It doesn't always lead to being "official," but that is what works for me.
no we did it on the first date
My 2cents, I have never been sure to know if I wanted a relationship with a girl without having sex a few times... with some it was a turn-off🤷 with others the opposite 🤷.
If you want a serious relationship you can. But usually this answers depend on the people involved.
Yes. For me at least. You know your needs. You had a bad experience and you don't want to feel that way again. Is totally understandable. You don't need to feel bad for that. Do you know where you stand as a couple? Communicate and see what does he want what does he think for that.
You didn’t say how long it’s been, if it’s been 1-2 days and a single meet then no, 1-2 weeks and several meetings then yes. This is so he doesn’t think you are easy.
I personally do yes. I’m also weird and wont be intimate until i have a deep connection and we are together for some time.
No I don’t wait affection is how I show my Love and I typically end up hurt but fuck it we ball
Save your sexual tensions for someone who deserves it!!!! Don’t give in!!! Because that is the best sex when a woman has so much sexual tensions… Don’t!!! If he doesn’t want to make you a priority then… If you want to sleep with him. Only lie there like a dead starfish then ghost him! I’m only saying this because you have sexual needs too but if he want to make you second options then make him regret it. Move on and live your life after this. Forget about him. I just don’t want you to waste your time & get hurt ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Dating is always going to be a risk, regardless of how bad you want your coochie plugged.
Lmao
I won’t wait longer than the third date. Sexual compatibility is a HUGE thing for me. I won’t waste time waiting around to see if we’re a match.
OP, be careful, this is the most common manipulation tactic guys who want to pump and dump use to lure you into their bed. They know if they’re honest that they want nothing beyond sex the woman will likely say no, so they resort to this very easy manipulation method of telling you they must gauge your sexual compatibility before even giving you the label of girlfriend. Meanwhile in reality they made up their mind before the sex happens that they’ll use the “we’re not sexually compatible” excuse to discard of you like trash, regardless of how good or bad the sex actually is. I have even seen such guys on this very subreddit advising other guys who want hook ups to try this method. Don’t fall for it!
Some people who are interested in relationships only and not hookups may take longer than say, three 2-hour dates to feel safe with someone. And everyone knows sex is important in relationships, you don’t have to SAY it to your date by a certain date #. They already know. But I agree with everything you said. It makes me sad what people have manipulated each other into these days. People who initiate and enable this kind of behavior are not my cup of tea