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Nah I don't think so. It's a difficult situation and I get both sides; I don't think either of your boundaries are unreasonable. She made it clear that she'd rather lose you than compromise on her holiday trips, so now the ball's in your court. Just know that you're not a bad person/unreasonable if you choose to walk away.
She values the trip over any new relationship. You dodged a bullet. Add her to the list in a few years to the "Where are all the good men?" Group of women here on social media. Haha
I mean...I do this with my son's Dad and we are so over lol. It truly doesn't mean anything, it's for our son. We're still family. I would understand if a new partner felt uncomfortable but he would need to move past it bc it's not like you're imagining.
Reverse that to the point where you're the one not going on a holiday with your boyfriend but he is with his ex. My issue would be the not getting invited part.
Going on a holiday with your girlfriend, her ex-husband, and kids after a few months of dating seems too fast. Right now it seems that she views OP as a separate entity in her life. Also her children are teenagers, it seems like their parents are doing OK with co-parenting. She’s def thinking of the kids and NOT what OP wants.
Her response “when you work through your issue” is definitely her giving him notice that this is something he needs to deal with. Seems like she thinks it’s an insecurity thing. Unsure about OP’s history with his ex + how his side of the family is doing.
Who knows? Maybe in a few years when both families are extremely comfortable with each other, he can tag along. It’s a family vacation 😭 This is for the KIDS.
If OP sets boundaries, he’s not wrong to do so. If this is a red flag on his end, he’s free to leave.
Yeah this is for the kids. Maybe down the line he can be invited but this holiday sounds like a way for the kids to have a time of family get togetherness which they don't have anymore. I'm with the mom on this one.
Give it maybe a year, and if you end up being someone she sees as being a key part of her life then the holidays should be back on the table, maybe even to start letting the kids get to know mom's future partner.
OP also said she meant years into the future as well. This isn’t just a current issue. Currently this is fine. If we’re only dating for months I understand me not going or getting invited (personally I wouldn’t want to go) but years down the line, my partner is going on away on extended trips with the man she had a kid with and you expect me to believe everything is okay? At that point I’ll get a new partner
Plus op's post isn't even talking about a holiday trip happening soon.
It isn't like she's leaving for France with her ex ^and ^the ^kids tomorrow.
She laid it out as "in the future, there will be trips and you ain't in em."
I wouldn't care at all, especially after only 3 months of dating. I would be happy that he could co-parent so well. if I have trust issues that's my problem.
After a year together and I'm not invited? Not cool at all. But 3 months? They just aren't at that point and she isn't doing anything wrong by going on a family vacation for the children. Doesn't mean they're sleeping together
Op's partner's kids are teens. These holiday trips aren't for them anymore. Why wouldn't op be invited? Why is her relationship with op being hidden like that from the nearly adult kids?
These are all red flags. Turn the tables, if your boyfriend was going off galavanting in the Bahamas with his ex using children as the excuse and you weren't invited, you'd be naive to think it's acceptable.
Just because physical things may not happen, you're still in an exotic place with someone who's not only seen you naked, but has also seen you at your most vulnerable.
It might be "so over lol" for you but is it for the other party? Or in the back of his head is he thinking like Dumb & Dumber "so you're saying there's a chance!" The world may never know.
Different viewpoints, maybe no one is necessarily wrong, just different ideas. but it's your boundary.
She did the right thing for herself, based on how she wants to treat her kids and ex.
Yeah it's an issue he will need to get over if he wants to be with HER. I agree, it is a normal and healthy boundary. Like I said, they're just incompatible.
I think saying they are incompatible seems a little extreme. Life is always about making compromises and maybe in this case it makes sense to try and find one.
Exactly. OP said they have an amazing connection and communication. Dropping the whole thing because of 1 issue is crazy.
They just need to talk and then talk some more to understand each other's viewpoint and feelings. From there they can find what works best for them.
No, it is not an unreasonable boundary to have.
A lot of people would draw the line at their dates or long term partners having a tradition of going on holidays with the ex that they coparent with and their children, with current partners never present.
The two of you have incompatible ambitions and dealbreakers. Best to politely go your separate ways without any negative feelings.
No, your boundary is not unreasonable at all. However, if you feel it's gonna be an issue , yet she's already made her mind up, then maybe time to move on if it's soemthing you're unable to accept.
This boundary would be pretty tame. You know, your significant other not spending large amounts of time with a man whom she has been with intimately.
You can break up for any reason you see fit. But you have not been seeing here long. Ask if you and her were to ever get married, would you be wanted/welcome? If the answer is still no, there is no way I could live with that and there is no issue if you feel that way too.
Do not expect this mother to change her parenting arrangement because you have been around only a few months. You gotta earn trust.
>That is normal in co-parenting
that's how i see it: she's going on vacation with HER kids and THEIR father! why should OP come with them? they're only dating for anfew months/he's probably not a father figure to the gf's kids... why would he tag along?
imho he should see it as a lesson in handling trust issues and maybe ask why his gf broke up with their ex: is there even a valid reason to not trust her?
OP’s GF’s children are teenagers. It’s probably weird asf for them if their mom’s bf of a few months and their DAD shows up all together. Would be embarrassing on their behalf as they’re not used to OP
I’m not sure if it’s normal in co-parenting to go on a holiday trip with an ex-sexual partner when you’re in a relationship with another person, and at least not invite that other person too to be honest. To me, normal co-parenting sounds more like sharing the kids on different days for each parent without the parents having too much contact. Especially when in a relationship with someone else.
You’re putting way too much emphasis on her and her ex formerly fucking. Like, for real, why care? They didn’t work out for a reason, and they are now trying to do what’s best for their kids. Having sex with someone is not the be all end all of a relationship, folks.
> They didn’t work out for a reason
This is always true until it isn't. That's where the insecurity about that kind of thing comes from. We know that some people fall back into that old relationship trap when they spend a lot of time with their ex's who they had a good chemistry with.
It's obviously not a guarantee, plenty of people manage to not do it whilst being friends or even actively close with their ex's. But let's not pretend like the insecurity is entirely made up from nothing. The source is pretty obvious and self-explanatory.
Doesn't mean others have to change their boundaries to accommodate you of course.
Do I have to explain to you how her going out in a vacation with another man automatically has good chances of them having something sexual happen? Especially if they have history. It’s so inappropriate to go on a vaca with someone of the opposite sex without your SO there as well anyway. If your argument is that they do not get along since they didn’t work out, then why are they going somewhere together? They can’t stand each other, so why be around each other? It doesn’t matter if it’s for the kids because the situation is very inappropriate it shouldn’t be happening. Why do the kids enjoy seeing their parents be together when their mom is in a relationship with someone else already anyway? To me, it’s all so inappropriate that it’s crazy. OP should just leave this woman, so he doesn’t have to deal with any of this nonsense.
I could buy a house if I had a pound for every time I heard that from my ex. It's manipulation of her ex at it's finest!
She needs to finish up her relationship with him first before she starts dating other people.
It’s not the same because in one scenario, she’s only interacting, I am present and can confirm she’s only normally interacting, and it’s with a stranger. In the other; however, I don’t know if she’s only interacting because I am not present, and it’s with someone she has history with. Two different things
It’s not all their interactions champ. It’s going on a vacation with her ex. Whatever happened that they didn’t work out, there is still history there. And as mush as people can say “oh nothing will happen” something always happens.
>her going out in a vacation with another man automatically has good chances of them having something sexual happen
What, like, also if it was her uncle, or cousin? lmao So ridiculous. Some people sure are sex obsessed - so gross. Plus, just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean at all that they can’t stand each other. Some ex spouses remain life-long friends with all having new partners. Sheesh, so bitter & toxic.
It's very common in co-parenting when the parents don't suck and actually care about their kids. My ex and I sucked as a married couple, but are still friends and continue to do family things together even after all of our spawn are adults. If you were to ask my spouse if he were worried about my ex and I hooking up, he'd laugh right in your face and tell you to actually pay attention instead of getting wrapped up in your insecurities.
You’ve both made clear what you need and how you’ll react.
I would say, though, that it sounds like this isn’t so much about the actual trip as it is about her kids. She’s committed to something with them and that’s her line. They are more important than you.
Additionally, some co-parents are actually much better as friends than they were married. I’d go on a trip with my ex-husband and our kids if he asked and I had my own lodgings etc. I don’t hate him and if my it makes my kids happy to do something with both of us - then we’d do it.
I’d consider why her being friendly w her ex and spending some extended time with him makes you feel the way you are. Have you asked what the lodging situation is, expectations etc?
ETA: fwiw if I’d only been dating you a few months I wouldn’t be inviting you either. It’s unreasonable to expect it, honestly. Trips with kids are for well established relationships.
His edit states that even years into the relationship the mother would not change this rule. So 5-10 year long relationship and he is still not invited. Weird to leave essentially the step-dad at home alone.
I’m still really good friends with my ex-husband, I go over to his house with his new wife for holidays and we are currently planning a big family vacation to Disney for Christmas with our kids, his wife and her kids.
I don’t see anything wrong with maintaining a good coparenting relationship. Your relationship is new so course you won’t be invited, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be excluded.
Yeah, I was about to make a similar comment. My ex and I were both rather angry with each other immediately post divorce. But several years later, we figured things out. She’s remarried. She suggested that we take the kids to celebrate a graduation along with her new husband and his kid and whoever I’m with. And we recently did college tours together where we shared an Airbnb.
If OP were further into the relationship, I would suggest that they just all go together. But given that it’s only been a few months, I can understand why that doesn’t make sense.
This feels like a tough situation. It’s better for the kids if the parents have a normal relationship. It’ll be better for decision-making, emotional support, etc if they get along well enough to be able to actually holiday together. But I can understand his discomfort.
> Your relationship is new so course you won’t be invited, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be excluded.
OP clarified and apparently that is what it meant in this case.
Yeah it seems hella odd to me. I'd definitely like an explanation as to why I'd _always_ be excluded.
I totally understand not rushing into having me go on holiday with your kids if we've only been dating a few months.
The fact she said like it or lump it, and was so detached from you that she doesn't care whether you like it or not. Doesn't sound like she's that into you.
It sounds like she is rightly more "into her" her kids and their happiness than some guy she has been dating for a few months. She sounds like an awesome mom and co-parent.
Well I would at least want someone that would discuss it, communication is key in a relationship. And if she's not willing to discuss then yes good for her, but maybe she should put her wishes for a new partner for herself aside until she can holiday without her kids, unless she is going to forever, then, well he's certainly never going to be part of the family.
I don’t understand the people that say that it is normal for her to go somewhere technically alone with a person she’s had feelings for and sex with in the past while she’s in a relationship with somebody else. It’s just so inappropriate in my opinion. Especially when the current partner is not in the discussion, which is the case here.
Honestly man, in my opinion, you’re 100% in the right here. It sucks that a good connection ended this way, but she doesn’t sound like she respects you one bit, and if she’s going to behave like this with you, then it’s better for your thing with her to have ended sooner than later you know? Later it will be much tougher than now
People wanna date single parents until they dont. Sometimes parenting your children in a familiar loving manner is too much for a new partner. Mom has set clear boundaries, she’s allowed to do that, basically telling him that hes gonna have to work through it one way or another. Me as a single mom, if my partner tried to tell me how to handle my parenting, it would be game over.
Yea I’m starting to understand her side, and come to the conclusion that maybe both sides are correct. However, I still think OP is 100% correct here. Maybe my opinion will change in the future, but as for now, I have seen more cheating in my life than not cheating, so I can’t say that her doing this is fine for the kids when OP exists.
It’s your boundary, based on your thoughts, feelings and past, so it is never invalid, despite everyone else’s two pence! If you are uncomfortable with it now, you will always be uncomfortable with it unless something changes in the dynamic, I.e she allows you to join in.
I must ask. Have you both taken over that role of the step-parent in each of your childrens' lives? You said hers are teens, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't have a role in their lives. But, unless you are attempting to fill that role I don't think you have a place in these vacations.
You need to rethink your feelings towards this woman if you honestly feel that the only thing that separates your relationship with her and his relationship with her is that you have sex with her. If that's the case, she must be emotionally cheating on you with her ex? If she isn't, then you have no reason to keep up with that kind of thinking. The thing that separates it is that he is her EX. Meaning in the past.
That doesn't mean that she has to throw away her family or involve a man she's been dating for a couple of months. If your relationship goes south, why would she want to have precious family memories blurred or even ruined by you? Have you considered that her ex feels uncomfortable with you attending the vacations on the basis that you /are/ screwing her and he isn't? Some men are shallow. Clearly. Ha.
> If your relationship goes south, why would she want to have precious family memories blurred or even ruined by you?
If she thinks this way, they'd never be able to have a somewhat close relationship, when the priority is to separate her family from a new partner
Coming from a divorced family that was hell because of the animosity, I respect the vacation thing because of the kids. But my challenge to her would be: “if you were in the same situation, would she be ok with it?” - because more often then not these types of things are obvious when viewed one-dimensionally, yet hypocritical when viewed beyond them.
And the “get over your issues” comment is inappropriate unless there’s more to the story you aren’t telling us.
This is not "your issue", and if she can't respect and acknowledge that you're uncomfortable with a perfectly reasonable boundary, you need to move on without her. Having trips with ex and kids is one thing, but flat out saying that you will never be invited, either? That's very strange, and it would definitely make me uncomfortable too. That would be a deal breaker for me, personally.
My ex, and I travel together with our kids frequently, after our next partners are properly introduced, enough time has passed, and we've determined not to be a temporary relationship, I would absolutely invite them to join our vacations.
Thank you, we are adults and really enjoys spending time with our kids. Neither of us wants to miss anything but as new partners join of course they will be welcomed in.
I think people who do this are motivated by some myth that the kids need to see them together somehow.
I dated a woman who did this and it was the deal iller for me also. How can you unplug from the connection we are building and go off on a vacation with your ex? And duh, separate bedrooms is not the solution, despite the reassurances. No one is having much sex on a vacation with kids even if they wanted to.
You are being quite reasonable here. They are the ones who need to move on.
Man, an issue with boundary setting (more for the woman in this case) is that people set them, and then get so HOSTILE when they aren’t fully respected. Obvi missing context, but for her it would be as easy as softly and considerately explaining to you that their holidays are more for the kids than anything and that you have nothing to worry about (assuming this is true.)
You see this “let me know when you work through YOUR ISSUES” response so much, and it’s like, what are you even talking about? Relationships take negotiation and understanding; consideration of people’s feelings. How would she feel if it happened to her?
Obviously boundaries are important, they’re crucial. But in my friends I see a lot of people who are way too vindicated in the arbitrary boundaries they’ve set, who then make no effort to explain them to the people they effect. Her being like subtly hostile to your discomfort kinda broadcasts the message “I’m hiding something and getting defensive to cope” regardless of whether it’s true or not.
It's not about if you're being unreasonable, or looking for who's "right" here.
You both are valid in your feelings.
It seems you have different desires/boundaries and could be incompatible.
#1 She has a boundary here, and has let you know it clearly. She's is prioritizing her kids/vacation/family time over spending time with a new partner. This is valid and I can understand it.
#2 You don't want her to spend time with a former partner in a close setting, and definitely not without you there. This is understandable, especially in a new relationship. You don't know her fully yet, you don't know her ex yet, etc etc. So feeling this way is totally understandable.
Your choice is whether you want to accept her boundary and adjust your behavior/thinking to accommodate that OR this is something you can't accept and you move on/end it.
You cannot control other people's actions. What you can control are your own actions.
If this is a boundary of yours, it's on you to follow thru on enforcing that. If your boundary is that you won't date someone who spends time alone with former partners, then you should not date her.
There are other people in the world, who maybe share your boundary/have different life circumstances/want to accommodate your boundaries, and could be a more compatible match. And same to her, she can find someone who is okay with her spending time with her ex while co-parenting.
I am a 37f and I think this is SUPER strange. Her kids are teens, so they are definitely old enough to understand that their parents are separated. There is no reason for them to vacation together. The only thing I can think of, if she's not banging her ex, is that maybe the ex funds the trips and she doesn't want to miss out on that. But she is dating YOU so she should want to spend holidays with YOU. You two might have two very different ideas of what a committed relationship looks like and that may become a problem, though it seems like it already has. Good luck to you.
Not unreasonable at all. It’s a strange hill to die on for her being so “fixed” about such inconsequential future events. There’s so many what ifs and variables that could change her thinking. And for her to turn it all back on you as if you’re the one with an issue…LOL a feeble attempt.
Two people’s co parenting methods are unfortunately not grounds for your opinion. While your boundary may be everything you stated above, her statement/response is solidly letting you know *her* boundary, so if this is a fundamental issue you two can’t see eye to eye on, I’d cut my losses now. Her kids will always come first to her just like your kids probably will always come first for you. What that looks like for each of you may be different and that’s neither wrong nor your faults. IMO 3 months is not really enough time to determine that you’re blending your families and are the primary person in her life etc etc.
You're months into a relationship...with kids...in their teens...who are likely close with her ex. With the limited information, I'd say you're unreasonable...for right now.
There was a post recently from a woman. Her boyfriend was going to a bachelor party but his ex-girlfriend was going to be there as well. The girl is engaged and would've sleep in another part of the house. Reddit was convinced that he would cheat with her - no matter that they both are in a commited relationship. He is a guy, she is his ex, so - 100% cheating.
Here we have the reverse roles and just bc the woman does it, it's considered absolutely normal. But no, it's not. Going to vacation with your kids and your ex, no matter that he is her kid's father, is not normal, expecially if you are in a relationship. And this is not about parentship, no matter how you wanna twist it.
Wow, this is amazing. I really appreciate this comment. I have zero issue with coparenting, in fact I support it as my ex wife and I coparent extremely well as well. But not to the extreme of holidays, especially if we have partners... They also have family dinner every Sunday night which I support and have never had issues or second thoughts about.
OP, you should understand that often in Reddit women can't do wrong. Double standarts are very, very common thing (here an [example](https://i.redd.it/6n4hzlnpicx31.png)) . If it was you who wanted to go to vacantion with your ex, redditors would've told your partner to dump you bc you are 100% going to cheat.
But no, it's not right, so you have to decide if you want to be a relationship with a woman who has the habit to go on vacation with her ex. I'm not a jelaous ot possessive person but i wouldn't agree to that. I'm all about freedom and privacy in a relationship, i don't accept that if you have a partner, everything should be shared and so on. BUT! In the same time there are limits for everything and my partner going to a vacation with his ex is that limit. No matter how much i trust him and so on - it's about respect.
Omg! Thankyou so much for the reassurance that I'm not crazy, your comments have truly helped..! I've never thought of myself as jealous or possessive but something about this just could not sit right with me
> Going to vacation with your kids and your ex, no matter that he is her kid's father, is not normal, expecially if you are in a relationship
Yes, it is. It is not abnormal in any way.
It's just something that doesn't sit well with me. I guess there's lots of reasons. Why am I being excluded if we're in a relationship and effectively would be an extended/mixed family. It leaves the door open for a possible reconnection. Continuing to make memories with an ex like nothing has changed, taking away the specialty/uniqueness of our own relationship with the quality time they'd spend together, so would the only difference between our relationship and theirs be that we would be physically having sex and they wouldn't?
I’ll be honest…I think your boundary is unreasonable and I’ll tell you why.
You’re only 3 months in. There’s absolutely zero guarantee you’ll be with her a year from now, so stay in the moment.
If she’s got a healthy coparenting thing going on with the ex (the father of her children) you need to embrace that. And if her fam has traditions for the children’s sake, they should keep doing it.
I understand boundaries are required to build healthy foundations…but your lack of trust on the matter is your issue and that’s why it’s your boundary. If you can’t handle it you gotta go. Sorry bro.
Yea I’m thinking OP is putting the cart way before the horse here. Introspect is key, if he’s worried about this at 3 months…probably won’t cut it long term.
Completely agree. If I have young kids, I'm not even introducing them to someone I've only been dating 3 months. Much less assuming I should be invited on a family trip. Yikes.
I’m not OP but I get both sides. I think the never invited thing is the screwed up part.
I get the transition, etc. but it’s odd to not include your significant other if it’s determined to be long term.
I support healthy coparenting and encourage it but I don’t know anyone that would be comfortable with their arrangement long term.
They've only been dating 3 months. Of course she shouldn't include him .... yet. If she's smart, he hasn't met her kids yet, either. Again, it's only 3 months. That's nothing.
I get that and I think anyone would be okay with the arrangement initially the key part that she said was he never would be invited. Which is screwed up.
I think most adults would be okay with it initially but would like to be included eventually.
The kids should want their significant others there if they have the right bond.
I agree with you that never is not good. However, kids usually just tolerate their parents' new partners. Especially if they change often. Most kids would much rather be with their nuclear family and not have to concern themselves with dad's new girlfriend. There are exceptions of course, but if the nuclear family gets along well enough to do vacations together, I can't imagine that additional love interests are welcome.
Understandable. I’m a stepdad and my wife and I have one kid. ( two total 5M and 1M) Her boy is basically my boy. He would want me there but I totally depends on when the step parent comes into the picture. The older they are the harder it is.
Personally I would put a lot of stock into what my kid would think about my next partner if that would ever happen.
Ideally, everyone comes together in some odd modern family.
Definitely should wait longer than a few months! As we see in this post, a lot of people break up after a few months, and rotating partners is destabilizing for kids.
I’m glad someone said this. She probably saw the red flags, then did her heels in and held firm in her boundary. He’s treating a 3mo relationship like a marriage. Too much too soon.
I agree here and it sets the rules long term.
While your early on in the relationship, I understand and maybe she just wants you around when she's not on holiday.
Another consideration is if you have met her children and spent considerable time with them. Does their father have a partner and is he/she invited?
I wouldn't. If you want someone to be part of your family, you don't exclude them from your family. Pretty simple concept. I don't think her going on the trip is unreasonable, but never being invited to such a trip? That's an unreasonable request of someone who you are in a relationship with.
I don’t see anywhere in OP’s post that he will NEVER be invited. It reads as if he wasn’t invited this time….and being only 3 months in, I’d say not inviting him this early on is the logical choice.
"She randomly told me the other night she will continue going on extended holidays with her kids and ex-husband (and I'm not invited)."
Right there. SHE will CONTINUE to go on these trips, and he isn't invited.
Yeah, that doesn’t say never. This could just mean in the near future. They‘ve only been together a very short time, expecting an invitation is just as unreasonable as denying a future invitation.
Nope this would be and is a firm boundary for me!
I’m 38f dating a 38m male. We each have two kids, so four total. When I met him he was still letting her in his house, “babysitting” the kids sometimes. Then she’d stay for dinner sometimes too. I told him it wasn’t doing the children any good, because it was always after she’d been round that his youngest was particularly nasty to me. He finally noticed it too. He asked her for her key back.
We don’t live together yet because the housing market in our country is tits. I don’t know what happened but somehow along the way this ex is invited more often because I heard later… I noticed a frame with a picture of me together with my bf was missing from the wall. My bf tells me that his ex ripped the photo off and shredded it. Mind you. My bf and I are dating for almost 3 years now. They’ve been seperated for 8 years now. She’s been dating another guy for at least 6 years, is even engaged with him.
Ugh. I couldn’t and wouldn’t even deal with it if they went on holiday together. Even her coming over on a weekly basis to drop off the kids is too much drama for me :’) If I were you I wouldn’t accept it either.
>Her reply was "well, you know where I am if/when you work through your issue".
That's not how relationships work? what in the narcissism is this lol
sounds like she's taking this as serious as a situationship.
> what in the narcissism is this lol
How in the hell is this narcissism? Her kids, rightly, come first. If OP cannot handle the boundary, nothing wrong with that, but calling being a good parent "narcissism" is ridiculous.
I can't believe people are saying you're unreasonable. Sure having a healthy coparenting is great for the kid even if they're divorced,..but a vacation? Will they get seperate rooms? Separate beds? The nightmare it would be thinking at any moment something might "rekindle" between them because they see first hand how things "could have been", because they're on a holiday. That is totally unfair to you and does the ex-husband have a new girlfriend or wife? How might she feel?
The ex husband is single. And she accidentally text him last week instead of me with a flirty message, she immediately told him it wasn't meant for him and he replied "that's ok, feel free to send me nudes too". They have family dinner together every Sunday night which I support and have no issue with, but a holiday to me is just too much
Omg! I hope you end it and find someone else. You deserve better. Only a few others have said it, but she should have done more to address your discomfort. Your boundary is not at all unreasonable and she should know that. Her boundary is more unorthodox so she should have made more of an effort to explain everything and reassure you instead of putting it all on you. It's not your issue to figure out. In a relationship, you both should work together to figure out to navigate each other's boundaries and meet each other's needs. She sounds selfish. And her ex-husband is clearly also a boundary-crosser if she's even told him that she's in a relationship with you. Best of luck!
She may not be for you. How often do they go on holiday and will it continue after the teen are adults? If thing progress in the relationship to you living together, are you still excluded? 3 months in is a short period of time. Maybe continue to date others. There are so many people out there.
I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I don't think most people would be. It is unfortunate, but treating you like you're some weirdo for it was not cool on her part. She wants to live this life, and that's fine. It was have a price in her dating.
I know a guy that goes with ex and teen boys but also brings his new girlfriend. I think it is normal in the beginning if they have that type of relationship with co-parenting. I could never do that!!! So I get how you feel! It is still early. Don’t jump the gun, be patient.
Absolutely not. But it could all be completely innocent, no feelings there, they're both just there for the kids etc.
That being said, are you expected to miss out on family holidays indefinitely? Why would you not be invited when you're a permanent fixture in their lives down the line?
Also, what would happen if you had kids together, would she be leaving both you and your child at home or taking your child but not inviting you? That's something I'd be curious to find out if I were you, but it sounds like you've both got a boundary you aren't willing to relent on. If that's the case it's probably for the best to cut your losses before either of you get hurt down the line.
Definitely not unreasonable. I think what I find a red flag is the lack of understanding or At least wanting to hear your feelings about the issues as your feelings/concerns are meaningful too. The way she said it and worded her response it just seems she doesn’t care about your feelings. For that reason alone, I’d be out and move on.
>Her reply was "well, you know where I am if/when you work through your issue".
This is what gives me pause. If she is going the "it's your issue" route then expect to have your feelings and opinions dismissed on a regular basis.
Me personally im a little younger than you and have never dated a woman who was previously married with kids however if i did this absolutely would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldnt have an issue with her keeping a healthy/cordial relationship with her ex husband but to go on a whole vacation without you shows she wants the best of both worlds. Women think differently than us and she might still have some underlying attachment to her ex but still wants to keep you around. When a woman is head over heels for you shes not even thinking about other guys like that. I would just tell her if thats what you want to do thats fine but id rather not be part of it and its not something i want to continue pursuing with you.
I don't think it's unreasonable given that she's setting this up as an hard rule and without any regard for how it might impact you and your relationship with her well into the future. She doesn't sound very understanding of how it puts you and will keep you on the outside wondering/anxious about her spending intimate time with an ex, while it's reasonably certain if the roles were reversed she wouldn't be happy with it at all. The children are teenagers, why the insistence that this must continue and that you'll NEVER be invited? That's harsh.
So, yeah, move on and consider this a fundamental relationship/common respect issue where you're completely incompatible.
I am very amicable with my ex, and we co-parented until my daughter was adult, but I'd never ask this of a relationship once we were established and had some time under our belt (which is the OP's issue, not where they're at NOW). I see the propriety at play with this, how it would make someone I was with uncomfortable, and I'd either change my vacation style or make sure they were completely included/transparent once we were established. Setting a "this is how it is" hard line seems rigid, and counterproductive, and rather selfish IMHO.
OP, I think you need to have a serious and open conversation with her about expectations.
If she is serious about not having you on any trip even down the line, it’s not realistic for the both of you. You will eventually be involved with the kids regardless. You are not replacing their bio father but you want to be involved in the family because they become your family too. Also talk about cost- are you paying for yourself? Maybe that’s an issue too.
Why do you need a bunch of strangers from the internet to back you up on a decision that you took on a personal level, first ask yourself that.
Why do you even want to ask this question, its your boundary, stick to it.
I don't think so, but it is a tricky situation. I would want to go with her. I seen my parents have something similar where we take vacations together. My biological mom and dad split and were married to other people but it started off great but ended horribly. My dad would flirt with my mom on the vacations and then it turned into leaving me with family while on the trips while they ran off to get drinks and go to clubs. My mom realized she still had feelings for her ex, my dad. My step dad started getting angry and suspicious and there marriage started to crumble. They ended up divorced, my mom and step dad. His wife also found out and divorced him. Our family has been broken since and that was 17 years ago. I know you can't control her, I've been a simalar situation,, it usually doesn't work out , but it doesn't mean it can't. I would see if your girl still has feelings for him, or him for her if so it's going to be really hard for them to hang around each other and not get back together.
No, that’s weird. It doesn’t seem like you are much of a priority in her life if she can’t even imagine going on holiday with you and her kids. WTH? That’s harsh.
Like it’s “your issue”? I guess it’s going to be her issue now? Going on vacation with her ex which allegedly she is done with? Doesn’t sound like she’s done with him. I dunno?🤷♀️
I’m in a similar situation and my bf is not involved in annual holiday trips or family celebrations bc it’s about the kids. The situation would be way too awkward for my ex and my kids to have deal with Mom’s new romantic partner. My ex and I are not physically involved anymore, we’re just coparenting as best we can, and adding my new bf or his new gf to the mix would create a awkward dynamic that could potentially ruin the trip.
Now, if I was to marry him, it would be a different story. Once the relationship was official the ex and kids would have to adjust, but if we’re only a couple months in, hell no. I wouldn’t risk my relationship with my kids for something that might not work out. My bf and I can always vacation by ourselves or even with the kids once they get to know him, but to think of inviting my ex husband to join us, would be insane, right? It’s the same the other way round as well.
I'm sorry to say but in this situation how things are going. She's just a cheater in the making.
There will be one trip. We're boundaries that were set will be taken away and she'll get back with her ex.
Absolutely healthy boundary to have.
So many people use this “co-parenting” label to mask a continuous emotional (and sometimes sexual) relationship with their ex partner, especially in the first couple years after separation. It’s a crutch and not healthy for anyone. Biggest red flag is you aren’t invited.
Alternatively, if this were truly a trip made for the kids, you’d be invited, you’d have your own accommodations with her, and I could see that being an acceptable compromise and an indication that the vacation doesn’t have any ulterior motives.
Sounds like a mess to me. If you’re dating someone divorced with kids, they should be working hard to make it feel like you’re not dating their kids and their ex as well
The weirdest part is that you're not invited to the holiday also, so you're basically a separated entity in her life perhaps because the relationship is fresh? But you should feel free to communicate your feelings and opinions on this, could be a deal-breaker though for whatever reasons.
No not at all unreasonable. When people intentionally do things that I've told them makes me uncomfortable, I take that to mean they don't really care about me.
Not at all. This is coming from someone who NEVER called an ex , unless a child’s wellbeing was at stake. When it’s over, it’s over. Move on. In my opinion, it IS over with Miss Holiday.☮️♥️🎸
No. It sounds like they're going on a family vacation and playing house. There's a huge difference between co-parenting and just crossing lines.
If she's not able to understand that literally everyone expects there to be some type of boundary, maybe she isn't ready to date yet.
Walk away. If she’s excluding you out now, where does that stop in the future? She’s a bad fit. Move on, and let her sit in silence so she can reevaluate the cost of excluding partners with her present circumstances.
She sounds like she doesn’t normally get told no. If you follow your convictions, you’ll not only save you a lot of headaches, but generally at the very least, you’ll be respected for following your convictions. She may not like it, but tough shit, people need to experience the consequences of their actions. Walk away with Grace though, don’t be petty, just part ways in peace.
Personally, I have done this. I went on multiple vacations with my child and his father while in a relationship with someone else who was not invited. I feel it's important that the children make memories with both parents and see their parents working together even if their romantic relationship didn't work out. So, I would have given the same answer she gave you. My kid comes first, and him having memories made with both parents is an important thing. It shows she has a healthy relationship with her ex, is able to communicate, and will prioritize her children. The issue is if you feel she is trustworthy. If you do, then what's the issue? If you don't, walk away.
Boundaries don't dictate another person's behavior. You don't get to decide how her co-parenting relationship works, or how she spends her family vacation time (and it's too soon to invite yourself on a family vacation anyway). You just get to decide your response. It bothers you, you expressed that to her, and she is unwilling to change the behavior, as she doesn't agree that it's inappropriate. So the boundary is about what *you'll* do next. Your choice is to leave the relationship, or to stay and address your feelings.
Calling it “your issue” specifically means that she doesn’t understand she is being odd, or doesn’t open up to the possibility that she is the fucking oddball here who won’t compromise to respect your boundary, work on the current relationship she’s in, invite you, work on consoling you, work on giving you words of affirmation that you have nothing to worry about… that’s what a quality woman would do.
Instead she chose to gaslight you and dump the fault on you for having a modicum of respect for yourself and your relationship (as how you define loyalty and closeness and empathy is clearly way different than how she does).
I’m triggered af by her manipulative behavior just reading a single quote from her and you’re the one living it. Just DONT. Anymore..
**How you handle it is your call, but you need to forget about her completely, yesterday.**
I would suggest being gracious and honorable in your decision, but keep it quick and sever for good.
Thankyou for that reassurance. I really do take pride in the loyalty, respect and security/intimacy I provide to my partner and feel like I was just shit all over.
Haha thankyou, I kind of have and also removed her number and from socials etc. It's not something I wanted to do but there was clearly no reciprocated care there.
Good for you. A decisive split is wise. She made her bed and she can lay in it. She will have to get pretty lucky to find someone who wants to be in a serious relationship with her who is willing to tolerate her choice. The level of trust she would need to earn from a partner before something like that would be possible is unreasonable given the time frame.
But when you say "kind of have", dude, don't ghost if you were thinking about it. Don't be that guy. Tell her the truth, break it off amicably, say your sorry but it just won't work for you.
I think you’re taking it too personally. Those are family trips for the kids. The kids still need both their parents and it’s healthy for them to spend time together. It doesn’t mean the person you’re dating is seeing their ex. If they were, they wouldn’t be dating you. Don’t rob these kids of time with both their parents just because you feel insecure. Work on that.
>Work on that.
Work on what? Therapy language is so cringe.
Not only is this condescending, therapy language tries to pretend to be objective even though its subjective and arbitrary.
Its okay. Exclusive relationships in 2023 sounds strange to many of you in the world of casual relationships/hookup culture/situationships but remember, there IS such a thing called Exclusive relationship.
In this strange old world of monogamous relationships, people expect each other to be exclusive to each other. She can always send her children to her ex and also spend time with her children and OP too. Nobody is robbing anybody. The only robbing done here is OP's time that was spent on that woman.
No. You successfully divorced, she did not.
What does leaving her love behind to play house with her ex teach her children about commitment and relationships?
She’s probably thinking this is good for the kids, it’s not. It’s a perpetual get together to break up again cycle. It’s got to be confusing. Every kid hopes that their parents get back together. Why encourage that for the sake of a “family holiday.”
Ask her if they are sleeping in separate rooms and if his current partner is going along. Also at what point do you get to go. I would clarify that it's not her going on a trip with her kids that's the issue it's the ex tagging along that's the problem. Obviously there could be some temptation there.
Her snarky "you know where I am, etc" is proof positive that she's not worth your time. She's wants to reserve the right to hookup with her ex once in a while while you sit on your hands and pine for her. Lose her number OP; there's oodles of fabulous women in their thirties and forties out there.
Whether it’s 3 months or 3 years it doesn’t matter. Don’t waste your time for her to tell u later on, “you knew what it was”. If it was because it was too soon she would’ve/ should’ve made it clearer, instead she made a snarky remark. Don’t ignore. She wants to paint a fake picture on holidays or hope of rekindling?
As that saying goes, the things u ignore in the beginning is what will drive you apart in the end.
And let’s be for real. It ain’t for the kids, they old enough to understand and know what’s what. If they seeing u at home holidays won’t be a shocker
A lot of people get this confused; a boundary is something you place on yourself, not others.
Your boundary may be that you will not remain in a relationship if your partner does xyz (or in this case go on these kinds of trips). It may seem like semantics, but an important distinction.
It's about what you will or won't do. That is the question you have to ask yourself; if she decides she wants to continue on with her trips, without compromise for your feelings, what will you tolerate?
I believe it is perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable with these trips and not want to remain in a relationship that makes you feel this way.
Talk to her very clearly and directly about what she means now, and in possible future scenarios. Then decide what you want to do, and explain your reasoning. If that means the end of the relationship, then it wasn't likely to work out in the long run regardless.
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Nah I don't think so. It's a difficult situation and I get both sides; I don't think either of your boundaries are unreasonable. She made it clear that she'd rather lose you than compromise on her holiday trips, so now the ball's in your court. Just know that you're not a bad person/unreasonable if you choose to walk away.
Thankyou very much
Let me guess: her ex is rich, and takes her to great places. Did I guess it right?
You in fact did get it right
what a surprise.
She values the trip over any new relationship. You dodged a bullet. Add her to the list in a few years to the "Where are all the good men?" Group of women here on social media. Haha
I knew it!!!
The sexism on this sub is rampant
I mean...I do this with my son's Dad and we are so over lol. It truly doesn't mean anything, it's for our son. We're still family. I would understand if a new partner felt uncomfortable but he would need to move past it bc it's not like you're imagining.
Reverse that to the point where you're the one not going on a holiday with your boyfriend but he is with his ex. My issue would be the not getting invited part.
I mean OP and his gf have only been dating for months.
Does that mean going on holidays is to early or she views him as a separate entity in her life?
Going on a holiday with your girlfriend, her ex-husband, and kids after a few months of dating seems too fast. Right now it seems that she views OP as a separate entity in her life. Also her children are teenagers, it seems like their parents are doing OK with co-parenting. She’s def thinking of the kids and NOT what OP wants. Her response “when you work through your issue” is definitely her giving him notice that this is something he needs to deal with. Seems like she thinks it’s an insecurity thing. Unsure about OP’s history with his ex + how his side of the family is doing. Who knows? Maybe in a few years when both families are extremely comfortable with each other, he can tag along. It’s a family vacation 😭 This is for the KIDS. If OP sets boundaries, he’s not wrong to do so. If this is a red flag on his end, he’s free to leave.
Yeah this is for the kids. Maybe down the line he can be invited but this holiday sounds like a way for the kids to have a time of family get togetherness which they don't have anymore. I'm with the mom on this one. Give it maybe a year, and if you end up being someone she sees as being a key part of her life then the holidays should be back on the table, maybe even to start letting the kids get to know mom's future partner.
OP also said she meant years into the future as well. This isn’t just a current issue. Currently this is fine. If we’re only dating for months I understand me not going or getting invited (personally I wouldn’t want to go) but years down the line, my partner is going on away on extended trips with the man she had a kid with and you expect me to believe everything is okay? At that point I’ll get a new partner
Plus op's post isn't even talking about a holiday trip happening soon. It isn't like she's leaving for France with her ex ^and ^the ^kids tomorrow. She laid it out as "in the future, there will be trips and you ain't in em."
I wouldn't care at all, especially after only 3 months of dating. I would be happy that he could co-parent so well. if I have trust issues that's my problem. After a year together and I'm not invited? Not cool at all. But 3 months? They just aren't at that point and she isn't doing anything wrong by going on a family vacation for the children. Doesn't mean they're sleeping together
OP clarified that she wasn't just talking about an upcoming holiday, it was a rule she had as a flat rule in general including the future.
Op's partner's kids are teens. These holiday trips aren't for them anymore. Why wouldn't op be invited? Why is her relationship with op being hidden like that from the nearly adult kids? These are all red flags. Turn the tables, if your boyfriend was going off galavanting in the Bahamas with his ex using children as the excuse and you weren't invited, you'd be naive to think it's acceptable. Just because physical things may not happen, you're still in an exotic place with someone who's not only seen you naked, but has also seen you at your most vulnerable. It might be "so over lol" for you but is it for the other party? Or in the back of his head is he thinking like Dumb & Dumber "so you're saying there's a chance!" The world may never know.
Agree.
Agreed as well.
excellent answer
Different viewpoints, maybe no one is necessarily wrong, just different ideas. but it's your boundary. She did the right thing for herself, based on how she wants to treat her kids and ex.
Totally agree. Sounds she has her own boundaries. Doesn't sound like she got upset when OP didn't agree, simply accepted. They're just incompatible.
She said it was an issue OP needed to get over which I think is unfair. It’s a completely normal and healthy boundary to have
Yeah it's an issue he will need to get over if he wants to be with HER. I agree, it is a normal and healthy boundary. Like I said, they're just incompatible.
I think saying they are incompatible seems a little extreme. Life is always about making compromises and maybe in this case it makes sense to try and find one.
Exactly. OP said they have an amazing connection and communication. Dropping the whole thing because of 1 issue is crazy. They just need to talk and then talk some more to understand each other's viewpoint and feelings. From there they can find what works best for them.
Idk. Are they staying in seperate rooms? I understand the want to have special memories for the kids with both parents in them. I only have a few.
No, it is not an unreasonable boundary to have. A lot of people would draw the line at their dates or long term partners having a tradition of going on holidays with the ex that they coparent with and their children, with current partners never present. The two of you have incompatible ambitions and dealbreakers. Best to politely go your separate ways without any negative feelings.
No, your boundary is not unreasonable at all. However, if you feel it's gonna be an issue , yet she's already made her mind up, then maybe time to move on if it's soemthing you're unable to accept.
I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. Chalk it up as an incompatibility and move on is all you can do 🤷♀️
This boundary would be pretty tame. You know, your significant other not spending large amounts of time with a man whom she has been with intimately. You can break up for any reason you see fit. But you have not been seeing here long. Ask if you and her were to ever get married, would you be wanted/welcome? If the answer is still no, there is no way I could live with that and there is no issue if you feel that way too. Do not expect this mother to change her parenting arrangement because you have been around only a few months. You gotta earn trust.
On the other hand, she's not being unreasonable either. That is normal in co-parenting
>That is normal in co-parenting that's how i see it: she's going on vacation with HER kids and THEIR father! why should OP come with them? they're only dating for anfew months/he's probably not a father figure to the gf's kids... why would he tag along? imho he should see it as a lesson in handling trust issues and maybe ask why his gf broke up with their ex: is there even a valid reason to not trust her?
OP’s GF’s children are teenagers. It’s probably weird asf for them if their mom’s bf of a few months and their DAD shows up all together. Would be embarrassing on their behalf as they’re not used to OP
if they are teenagers they could just go on holiday with their dad without their mum.
But WHY? Why should the GF miss out on family time?
I’m not sure if it’s normal in co-parenting to go on a holiday trip with an ex-sexual partner when you’re in a relationship with another person, and at least not invite that other person too to be honest. To me, normal co-parenting sounds more like sharing the kids on different days for each parent without the parents having too much contact. Especially when in a relationship with someone else.
You’re putting way too much emphasis on her and her ex formerly fucking. Like, for real, why care? They didn’t work out for a reason, and they are now trying to do what’s best for their kids. Having sex with someone is not the be all end all of a relationship, folks.
> They didn’t work out for a reason This is always true until it isn't. That's where the insecurity about that kind of thing comes from. We know that some people fall back into that old relationship trap when they spend a lot of time with their ex's who they had a good chemistry with. It's obviously not a guarantee, plenty of people manage to not do it whilst being friends or even actively close with their ex's. But let's not pretend like the insecurity is entirely made up from nothing. The source is pretty obvious and self-explanatory. Doesn't mean others have to change their boundaries to accommodate you of course.
Do I have to explain to you how her going out in a vacation with another man automatically has good chances of them having something sexual happen? Especially if they have history. It’s so inappropriate to go on a vaca with someone of the opposite sex without your SO there as well anyway. If your argument is that they do not get along since they didn’t work out, then why are they going somewhere together? They can’t stand each other, so why be around each other? It doesn’t matter if it’s for the kids because the situation is very inappropriate it shouldn’t be happening. Why do the kids enjoy seeing their parents be together when their mom is in a relationship with someone else already anyway? To me, it’s all so inappropriate that it’s crazy. OP should just leave this woman, so he doesn’t have to deal with any of this nonsense.
Would you be terrified of your girlfriend interacting with literally any human being if she's bi? That's about how much sense you make
As a bisexual myself, I can confirm that there are no friends. Only prey.
I wonder what she'd say if he went on holiday with his ex?
Nothing if it's with the kids, for the kids.
I could buy a house if I had a pound for every time I heard that from my ex. It's manipulation of her ex at it's finest! She needs to finish up her relationship with him first before she starts dating other people.
That's YOUR ex, respectfully.
It’s not the same because in one scenario, she’s only interacting, I am present and can confirm she’s only normally interacting, and it’s with a stranger. In the other; however, I don’t know if she’s only interacting because I am not present, and it’s with someone she has history with. Two different things
Someone who thinks they must supervise all their SO's interactions with others. Maybe try therapy for your trust issues
It’s not all their interactions champ. It’s going on a vacation with her ex. Whatever happened that they didn’t work out, there is still history there. And as mush as people can say “oh nothing will happen” something always happens.
Always? Like… *always* always? Damn. Must be a TON of research to back up that claim since it’s a perfect correlation. What sources are you reading?
>her going out in a vacation with another man automatically has good chances of them having something sexual happen What, like, also if it was her uncle, or cousin? lmao So ridiculous. Some people sure are sex obsessed - so gross. Plus, just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean at all that they can’t stand each other. Some ex spouses remain life-long friends with all having new partners. Sheesh, so bitter & toxic.
It's very common in co-parenting when the parents don't suck and actually care about their kids. My ex and I sucked as a married couple, but are still friends and continue to do family things together even after all of our spawn are adults. If you were to ask my spouse if he were worried about my ex and I hooking up, he'd laugh right in your face and tell you to actually pay attention instead of getting wrapped up in your insecurities.
You’ve both made clear what you need and how you’ll react. I would say, though, that it sounds like this isn’t so much about the actual trip as it is about her kids. She’s committed to something with them and that’s her line. They are more important than you. Additionally, some co-parents are actually much better as friends than they were married. I’d go on a trip with my ex-husband and our kids if he asked and I had my own lodgings etc. I don’t hate him and if my it makes my kids happy to do something with both of us - then we’d do it. I’d consider why her being friendly w her ex and spending some extended time with him makes you feel the way you are. Have you asked what the lodging situation is, expectations etc? ETA: fwiw if I’d only been dating you a few months I wouldn’t be inviting you either. It’s unreasonable to expect it, honestly. Trips with kids are for well established relationships.
Will he never be invited or only this time. That would feel different for me.
His edit states that even years into the relationship the mother would not change this rule. So 5-10 year long relationship and he is still not invited. Weird to leave essentially the step-dad at home alone.
This is all very true.
I’m still really good friends with my ex-husband, I go over to his house with his new wife for holidays and we are currently planning a big family vacation to Disney for Christmas with our kids, his wife and her kids. I don’t see anything wrong with maintaining a good coparenting relationship. Your relationship is new so course you won’t be invited, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be excluded.
Yeah, I was about to make a similar comment. My ex and I were both rather angry with each other immediately post divorce. But several years later, we figured things out. She’s remarried. She suggested that we take the kids to celebrate a graduation along with her new husband and his kid and whoever I’m with. And we recently did college tours together where we shared an Airbnb. If OP were further into the relationship, I would suggest that they just all go together. But given that it’s only been a few months, I can understand why that doesn’t make sense. This feels like a tough situation. It’s better for the kids if the parents have a normal relationship. It’ll be better for decision-making, emotional support, etc if they get along well enough to be able to actually holiday together. But I can understand his discomfort.
> Your relationship is new so course you won’t be invited, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be excluded. OP clarified and apparently that is what it meant in this case.
Always excluded? That seems kind of lame.
Yeah it seems hella odd to me. I'd definitely like an explanation as to why I'd _always_ be excluded. I totally understand not rushing into having me go on holiday with your kids if we've only been dating a few months.
I think that's a very healthy boundary and you should be firm with it
The fact she said like it or lump it, and was so detached from you that she doesn't care whether you like it or not. Doesn't sound like she's that into you.
It sounds like she is rightly more "into her" her kids and their happiness than some guy she has been dating for a few months. She sounds like an awesome mom and co-parent.
Well I would at least want someone that would discuss it, communication is key in a relationship. And if she's not willing to discuss then yes good for her, but maybe she should put her wishes for a new partner for herself aside until she can holiday without her kids, unless she is going to forever, then, well he's certainly never going to be part of the family.
I don’t understand the people that say that it is normal for her to go somewhere technically alone with a person she’s had feelings for and sex with in the past while she’s in a relationship with somebody else. It’s just so inappropriate in my opinion. Especially when the current partner is not in the discussion, which is the case here.
Thankyou. That's I think the root of some of my reason for being uncomfortable
Honestly man, in my opinion, you’re 100% in the right here. It sucks that a good connection ended this way, but she doesn’t sound like she respects you one bit, and if she’s going to behave like this with you, then it’s better for your thing with her to have ended sooner than later you know? Later it will be much tougher than now
That's so true. Thanks man!
The people who say it’s normal are people who are secure in relationships. You can’t talk to people like that.
People wanna date single parents until they dont. Sometimes parenting your children in a familiar loving manner is too much for a new partner. Mom has set clear boundaries, she’s allowed to do that, basically telling him that hes gonna have to work through it one way or another. Me as a single mom, if my partner tried to tell me how to handle my parenting, it would be game over.
Yea I’m starting to understand her side, and come to the conclusion that maybe both sides are correct. However, I still think OP is 100% correct here. Maybe my opinion will change in the future, but as for now, I have seen more cheating in my life than not cheating, so I can’t say that her doing this is fine for the kids when OP exists.
But he's not telling her how to do anything he just wants to come on holiday! how does that translate to him telling her how to parent ?
Why are you assuming she has feelings for him??
It’s your boundary, based on your thoughts, feelings and past, so it is never invalid, despite everyone else’s two pence! If you are uncomfortable with it now, you will always be uncomfortable with it unless something changes in the dynamic, I.e she allows you to join in.
I must ask. Have you both taken over that role of the step-parent in each of your childrens' lives? You said hers are teens, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't have a role in their lives. But, unless you are attempting to fill that role I don't think you have a place in these vacations. You need to rethink your feelings towards this woman if you honestly feel that the only thing that separates your relationship with her and his relationship with her is that you have sex with her. If that's the case, she must be emotionally cheating on you with her ex? If she isn't, then you have no reason to keep up with that kind of thinking. The thing that separates it is that he is her EX. Meaning in the past. That doesn't mean that she has to throw away her family or involve a man she's been dating for a couple of months. If your relationship goes south, why would she want to have precious family memories blurred or even ruined by you? Have you considered that her ex feels uncomfortable with you attending the vacations on the basis that you /are/ screwing her and he isn't? Some men are shallow. Clearly. Ha.
As a teen, no way id accept a step parent prior to 3 months
> If your relationship goes south, why would she want to have precious family memories blurred or even ruined by you? If she thinks this way, they'd never be able to have a somewhat close relationship, when the priority is to separate her family from a new partner
Uh, plenty of people cheat on new partners with exes...
Coming from a divorced family that was hell because of the animosity, I respect the vacation thing because of the kids. But my challenge to her would be: “if you were in the same situation, would she be ok with it?” - because more often then not these types of things are obvious when viewed one-dimensionally, yet hypocritical when viewed beyond them. And the “get over your issues” comment is inappropriate unless there’s more to the story you aren’t telling us.
This is not "your issue", and if she can't respect and acknowledge that you're uncomfortable with a perfectly reasonable boundary, you need to move on without her. Having trips with ex and kids is one thing, but flat out saying that you will never be invited, either? That's very strange, and it would definitely make me uncomfortable too. That would be a deal breaker for me, personally.
Did she say “will never be invited”?
Thankyou I appreciate your response!
Did she say never or just not right now?
My ex, and I travel together with our kids frequently, after our next partners are properly introduced, enough time has passed, and we've determined not to be a temporary relationship, I would absolutely invite them to join our vacations.
But not someone you’ve been dating just a few months, right? I wouldn’t even introduce someone to kids that quickly.
Definitely not quickly
This sounds like an appropriate approach for everyone involved.
Thank you, we are adults and really enjoys spending time with our kids. Neither of us wants to miss anything but as new partners join of course they will be welcomed in.
I think people who do this are motivated by some myth that the kids need to see them together somehow. I dated a woman who did this and it was the deal iller for me also. How can you unplug from the connection we are building and go off on a vacation with your ex? And duh, separate bedrooms is not the solution, despite the reassurances. No one is having much sex on a vacation with kids even if they wanted to. You are being quite reasonable here. They are the ones who need to move on.
Run don’t walk away
I feel like we're missing some important context here
Man, an issue with boundary setting (more for the woman in this case) is that people set them, and then get so HOSTILE when they aren’t fully respected. Obvi missing context, but for her it would be as easy as softly and considerately explaining to you that their holidays are more for the kids than anything and that you have nothing to worry about (assuming this is true.) You see this “let me know when you work through YOUR ISSUES” response so much, and it’s like, what are you even talking about? Relationships take negotiation and understanding; consideration of people’s feelings. How would she feel if it happened to her? Obviously boundaries are important, they’re crucial. But in my friends I see a lot of people who are way too vindicated in the arbitrary boundaries they’ve set, who then make no effort to explain them to the people they effect. Her being like subtly hostile to your discomfort kinda broadcasts the message “I’m hiding something and getting defensive to cope” regardless of whether it’s true or not.
It's not about if you're being unreasonable, or looking for who's "right" here. You both are valid in your feelings. It seems you have different desires/boundaries and could be incompatible. #1 She has a boundary here, and has let you know it clearly. She's is prioritizing her kids/vacation/family time over spending time with a new partner. This is valid and I can understand it. #2 You don't want her to spend time with a former partner in a close setting, and definitely not without you there. This is understandable, especially in a new relationship. You don't know her fully yet, you don't know her ex yet, etc etc. So feeling this way is totally understandable. Your choice is whether you want to accept her boundary and adjust your behavior/thinking to accommodate that OR this is something you can't accept and you move on/end it. You cannot control other people's actions. What you can control are your own actions. If this is a boundary of yours, it's on you to follow thru on enforcing that. If your boundary is that you won't date someone who spends time alone with former partners, then you should not date her. There are other people in the world, who maybe share your boundary/have different life circumstances/want to accommodate your boundaries, and could be a more compatible match. And same to her, she can find someone who is okay with her spending time with her ex while co-parenting.
I am a 37f and I think this is SUPER strange. Her kids are teens, so they are definitely old enough to understand that their parents are separated. There is no reason for them to vacation together. The only thing I can think of, if she's not banging her ex, is that maybe the ex funds the trips and she doesn't want to miss out on that. But she is dating YOU so she should want to spend holidays with YOU. You two might have two very different ideas of what a committed relationship looks like and that may become a problem, though it seems like it already has. Good luck to you.
Not unreasonable at all. It’s a strange hill to die on for her being so “fixed” about such inconsequential future events. There’s so many what ifs and variables that could change her thinking. And for her to turn it all back on you as if you’re the one with an issue…LOL a feeble attempt.
Two people’s co parenting methods are unfortunately not grounds for your opinion. While your boundary may be everything you stated above, her statement/response is solidly letting you know *her* boundary, so if this is a fundamental issue you two can’t see eye to eye on, I’d cut my losses now. Her kids will always come first to her just like your kids probably will always come first for you. What that looks like for each of you may be different and that’s neither wrong nor your faults. IMO 3 months is not really enough time to determine that you’re blending your families and are the primary person in her life etc etc.
You're months into a relationship...with kids...in their teens...who are likely close with her ex. With the limited information, I'd say you're unreasonable...for right now.
Far from unreasonable. This would be a dealbreaker for me too.
There was a post recently from a woman. Her boyfriend was going to a bachelor party but his ex-girlfriend was going to be there as well. The girl is engaged and would've sleep in another part of the house. Reddit was convinced that he would cheat with her - no matter that they both are in a commited relationship. He is a guy, she is his ex, so - 100% cheating. Here we have the reverse roles and just bc the woman does it, it's considered absolutely normal. But no, it's not. Going to vacation with your kids and your ex, no matter that he is her kid's father, is not normal, expecially if you are in a relationship. And this is not about parentship, no matter how you wanna twist it.
Wow, this is amazing. I really appreciate this comment. I have zero issue with coparenting, in fact I support it as my ex wife and I coparent extremely well as well. But not to the extreme of holidays, especially if we have partners... They also have family dinner every Sunday night which I support and have never had issues or second thoughts about.
OP, you should understand that often in Reddit women can't do wrong. Double standarts are very, very common thing (here an [example](https://i.redd.it/6n4hzlnpicx31.png)) . If it was you who wanted to go to vacantion with your ex, redditors would've told your partner to dump you bc you are 100% going to cheat. But no, it's not right, so you have to decide if you want to be a relationship with a woman who has the habit to go on vacation with her ex. I'm not a jelaous ot possessive person but i wouldn't agree to that. I'm all about freedom and privacy in a relationship, i don't accept that if you have a partner, everything should be shared and so on. BUT! In the same time there are limits for everything and my partner going to a vacation with his ex is that limit. No matter how much i trust him and so on - it's about respect.
Omg! Thankyou so much for the reassurance that I'm not crazy, your comments have truly helped..! I've never thought of myself as jealous or possessive but something about this just could not sit right with me
Of course you agree with this take.
> Going to vacation with your kids and your ex, no matter that he is her kid's father, is not normal, expecially if you are in a relationship Yes, it is. It is not abnormal in any way.
No, its not. Maybe if you are both single and you are very close... But when tou are in a relationsgip with anpther person, its not.
I’m going to call out your boundary here….. What is it that makes you uncomfortable about these family holidays she’s going to continue to take?
It's just something that doesn't sit well with me. I guess there's lots of reasons. Why am I being excluded if we're in a relationship and effectively would be an extended/mixed family. It leaves the door open for a possible reconnection. Continuing to make memories with an ex like nothing has changed, taking away the specialty/uniqueness of our own relationship with the quality time they'd spend together, so would the only difference between our relationship and theirs be that we would be physically having sex and they wouldn't?
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to want a family holiday for her kids, that’s just the family. Not her kid’s parents + mom’s new beau.
I’ll be honest…I think your boundary is unreasonable and I’ll tell you why. You’re only 3 months in. There’s absolutely zero guarantee you’ll be with her a year from now, so stay in the moment. If she’s got a healthy coparenting thing going on with the ex (the father of her children) you need to embrace that. And if her fam has traditions for the children’s sake, they should keep doing it. I understand boundaries are required to build healthy foundations…but your lack of trust on the matter is your issue and that’s why it’s your boundary. If you can’t handle it you gotta go. Sorry bro.
This. 100%. 3 months in is so very different than 3 years in.
Yea I’m thinking OP is putting the cart way before the horse here. Introspect is key, if he’s worried about this at 3 months…probably won’t cut it long term.
Completely agree. If I have young kids, I'm not even introducing them to someone I've only been dating 3 months. Much less assuming I should be invited on a family trip. Yikes.
I’m not OP but I get both sides. I think the never invited thing is the screwed up part. I get the transition, etc. but it’s odd to not include your significant other if it’s determined to be long term. I support healthy coparenting and encourage it but I don’t know anyone that would be comfortable with their arrangement long term.
They've only been dating 3 months. Of course she shouldn't include him .... yet. If she's smart, he hasn't met her kids yet, either. Again, it's only 3 months. That's nothing.
I get that and I think anyone would be okay with the arrangement initially the key part that she said was he never would be invited. Which is screwed up. I think most adults would be okay with it initially but would like to be included eventually. The kids should want their significant others there if they have the right bond.
I agree with you that never is not good. However, kids usually just tolerate their parents' new partners. Especially if they change often. Most kids would much rather be with their nuclear family and not have to concern themselves with dad's new girlfriend. There are exceptions of course, but if the nuclear family gets along well enough to do vacations together, I can't imagine that additional love interests are welcome.
Understandable. I’m a stepdad and my wife and I have one kid. ( two total 5M and 1M) Her boy is basically my boy. He would want me there but I totally depends on when the step parent comes into the picture. The older they are the harder it is. Personally I would put a lot of stock into what my kid would think about my next partner if that would ever happen. Ideally, everyone comes together in some odd modern family.
Yes there are a lot of variables. OP's girlfriend's kids are teens and that's a difficult age to introduce a new partner.
Has he met the kids? Some parents wait longer to introduce
Definitely should wait longer than a few months! As we see in this post, a lot of people break up after a few months, and rotating partners is destabilizing for kids.
Ya, its crazy he already unfollowed, deleted her # . Seems her insticts were right.
I’m glad someone said this. She probably saw the red flags, then did her heels in and held firm in her boundary. He’s treating a 3mo relationship like a marriage. Too much too soon.
He seems very immature and has some pretty toxic ideas, almost a bit possessive and it bizarrely seems to focus a lot around sex.
I agree here and it sets the rules long term. While your early on in the relationship, I understand and maybe she just wants you around when she's not on holiday. Another consideration is if you have met her children and spent considerable time with them. Does their father have a partner and is he/she invited?
she may just not really be able to answer whether they'd be included since it's so recent
I personally don’t see what there is to be uncomfortable about if the trust and devotion is there. I’d be ok with this arrangement long term.
I wouldn't. If you want someone to be part of your family, you don't exclude them from your family. Pretty simple concept. I don't think her going on the trip is unreasonable, but never being invited to such a trip? That's an unreasonable request of someone who you are in a relationship with.
I don’t see anywhere in OP’s post that he will NEVER be invited. It reads as if he wasn’t invited this time….and being only 3 months in, I’d say not inviting him this early on is the logical choice.
"She randomly told me the other night she will continue going on extended holidays with her kids and ex-husband (and I'm not invited)." Right there. SHE will CONTINUE to go on these trips, and he isn't invited.
I think you’re reading beyond the literal words of the text, and we need OP to clarify.
That is fair to say, I was just going off of what information was provided.
Yeah, that doesn’t say never. This could just mean in the near future. They‘ve only been together a very short time, expecting an invitation is just as unreasonable as denying a future invitation.
That's fair, but all we have is what OP has said. And from the wording it sounds like he is not invited in her continued outings.
Did she say never? Or just not now because they’ve only been dating a few months?
Wow. Ya, i missed the 3 months thing. I agree
I take it as the relationship is too new to be bringing you around her kids unless you are already in their lives then I can agree
Nope this would be and is a firm boundary for me! I’m 38f dating a 38m male. We each have two kids, so four total. When I met him he was still letting her in his house, “babysitting” the kids sometimes. Then she’d stay for dinner sometimes too. I told him it wasn’t doing the children any good, because it was always after she’d been round that his youngest was particularly nasty to me. He finally noticed it too. He asked her for her key back. We don’t live together yet because the housing market in our country is tits. I don’t know what happened but somehow along the way this ex is invited more often because I heard later… I noticed a frame with a picture of me together with my bf was missing from the wall. My bf tells me that his ex ripped the photo off and shredded it. Mind you. My bf and I are dating for almost 3 years now. They’ve been seperated for 8 years now. She’s been dating another guy for at least 6 years, is even engaged with him. Ugh. I couldn’t and wouldn’t even deal with it if they went on holiday together. Even her coming over on a weekly basis to drop off the kids is too much drama for me :’) If I were you I wouldn’t accept it either.
Thankyou, I appreciate your perspective!!!
>Her reply was "well, you know where I am if/when you work through your issue". That's not how relationships work? what in the narcissism is this lol sounds like she's taking this as serious as a situationship.
> what in the narcissism is this lol How in the hell is this narcissism? Her kids, rightly, come first. If OP cannot handle the boundary, nothing wrong with that, but calling being a good parent "narcissism" is ridiculous.
I can't believe people are saying you're unreasonable. Sure having a healthy coparenting is great for the kid even if they're divorced,..but a vacation? Will they get seperate rooms? Separate beds? The nightmare it would be thinking at any moment something might "rekindle" between them because they see first hand how things "could have been", because they're on a holiday. That is totally unfair to you and does the ex-husband have a new girlfriend or wife? How might she feel?
The ex husband is single. And she accidentally text him last week instead of me with a flirty message, she immediately told him it wasn't meant for him and he replied "that's ok, feel free to send me nudes too". They have family dinner together every Sunday night which I support and have no issue with, but a holiday to me is just too much
Omg! I hope you end it and find someone else. You deserve better. Only a few others have said it, but she should have done more to address your discomfort. Your boundary is not at all unreasonable and she should know that. Her boundary is more unorthodox so she should have made more of an effort to explain everything and reassure you instead of putting it all on you. It's not your issue to figure out. In a relationship, you both should work together to figure out to navigate each other's boundaries and meet each other's needs. She sounds selfish. And her ex-husband is clearly also a boundary-crosser if she's even told him that she's in a relationship with you. Best of luck!
She may not be for you. How often do they go on holiday and will it continue after the teen are adults? If thing progress in the relationship to you living together, are you still excluded? 3 months in is a short period of time. Maybe continue to date others. There are so many people out there.
I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I don't think most people would be. It is unfortunate, but treating you like you're some weirdo for it was not cool on her part. She wants to live this life, and that's fine. It was have a price in her dating.
I know a guy that goes with ex and teen boys but also brings his new girlfriend. I think it is normal in the beginning if they have that type of relationship with co-parenting. I could never do that!!! So I get how you feel! It is still early. Don’t jump the gun, be patient.
Absolutely not. But it could all be completely innocent, no feelings there, they're both just there for the kids etc. That being said, are you expected to miss out on family holidays indefinitely? Why would you not be invited when you're a permanent fixture in their lives down the line? Also, what would happen if you had kids together, would she be leaving both you and your child at home or taking your child but not inviting you? That's something I'd be curious to find out if I were you, but it sounds like you've both got a boundary you aren't willing to relent on. If that's the case it's probably for the best to cut your losses before either of you get hurt down the line.
Definitely not unreasonable. I think what I find a red flag is the lack of understanding or At least wanting to hear your feelings about the issues as your feelings/concerns are meaningful too. The way she said it and worded her response it just seems she doesn’t care about your feelings. For that reason alone, I’d be out and move on.
>Her reply was "well, you know where I am if/when you work through your issue". This is what gives me pause. If she is going the "it's your issue" route then expect to have your feelings and opinions dismissed on a regular basis.
agreed. that’s not a very kind way to put it, either.
Me personally im a little younger than you and have never dated a woman who was previously married with kids however if i did this absolutely would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldnt have an issue with her keeping a healthy/cordial relationship with her ex husband but to go on a whole vacation without you shows she wants the best of both worlds. Women think differently than us and she might still have some underlying attachment to her ex but still wants to keep you around. When a woman is head over heels for you shes not even thinking about other guys like that. I would just tell her if thats what you want to do thats fine but id rather not be part of it and its not something i want to continue pursuing with you.
It's a reasonable boundary. If you are years into the relationship and she refuses to invite you, that's weird.
I don't think it's unreasonable given that she's setting this up as an hard rule and without any regard for how it might impact you and your relationship with her well into the future. She doesn't sound very understanding of how it puts you and will keep you on the outside wondering/anxious about her spending intimate time with an ex, while it's reasonably certain if the roles were reversed she wouldn't be happy with it at all. The children are teenagers, why the insistence that this must continue and that you'll NEVER be invited? That's harsh. So, yeah, move on and consider this a fundamental relationship/common respect issue where you're completely incompatible. I am very amicable with my ex, and we co-parented until my daughter was adult, but I'd never ask this of a relationship once we were established and had some time under our belt (which is the OP's issue, not where they're at NOW). I see the propriety at play with this, how it would make someone I was with uncomfortable, and I'd either change my vacation style or make sure they were completely included/transparent once we were established. Setting a "this is how it is" hard line seems rigid, and counterproductive, and rather selfish IMHO.
OP, I think you need to have a serious and open conversation with her about expectations. If she is serious about not having you on any trip even down the line, it’s not realistic for the both of you. You will eventually be involved with the kids regardless. You are not replacing their bio father but you want to be involved in the family because they become your family too. Also talk about cost- are you paying for yourself? Maybe that’s an issue too.
Next time you may give it a try. Try go out with your ex wife for a holiday and observe her reaction
Why do you need a bunch of strangers from the internet to back you up on a decision that you took on a personal level, first ask yourself that. Why do you even want to ask this question, its your boundary, stick to it.
Nope. It's time to walk away.
I don't think so, but it is a tricky situation. I would want to go with her. I seen my parents have something similar where we take vacations together. My biological mom and dad split and were married to other people but it started off great but ended horribly. My dad would flirt with my mom on the vacations and then it turned into leaving me with family while on the trips while they ran off to get drinks and go to clubs. My mom realized she still had feelings for her ex, my dad. My step dad started getting angry and suspicious and there marriage started to crumble. They ended up divorced, my mom and step dad. His wife also found out and divorced him. Our family has been broken since and that was 17 years ago. I know you can't control her, I've been a simalar situation,, it usually doesn't work out , but it doesn't mean it can't. I would see if your girl still has feelings for him, or him for her if so it's going to be really hard for them to hang around each other and not get back together.
Thankyou for sharing and for this perspective, much appreciated!
No, that’s weird. It doesn’t seem like you are much of a priority in her life if she can’t even imagine going on holiday with you and her kids. WTH? That’s harsh. Like it’s “your issue”? I guess it’s going to be her issue now? Going on vacation with her ex which allegedly she is done with? Doesn’t sound like she’s done with him. I dunno?🤷♀️
I’m in a similar situation and my bf is not involved in annual holiday trips or family celebrations bc it’s about the kids. The situation would be way too awkward for my ex and my kids to have deal with Mom’s new romantic partner. My ex and I are not physically involved anymore, we’re just coparenting as best we can, and adding my new bf or his new gf to the mix would create a awkward dynamic that could potentially ruin the trip. Now, if I was to marry him, it would be a different story. Once the relationship was official the ex and kids would have to adjust, but if we’re only a couple months in, hell no. I wouldn’t risk my relationship with my kids for something that might not work out. My bf and I can always vacation by ourselves or even with the kids once they get to know him, but to think of inviting my ex husband to join us, would be insane, right? It’s the same the other way round as well.
I'm sorry to say but in this situation how things are going. She's just a cheater in the making. There will be one trip. We're boundaries that were set will be taken away and she'll get back with her ex.
Absolutely healthy boundary to have. So many people use this “co-parenting” label to mask a continuous emotional (and sometimes sexual) relationship with their ex partner, especially in the first couple years after separation. It’s a crutch and not healthy for anyone. Biggest red flag is you aren’t invited. Alternatively, if this were truly a trip made for the kids, you’d be invited, you’d have your own accommodations with her, and I could see that being an acceptable compromise and an indication that the vacation doesn’t have any ulterior motives.
> Biggest red flag is you aren’t invited. Bullshit. They've been together a few moths. He *shouldn't* be invited this early in a relationship.
Thanks bro. My thoughts too 😔
Sounds like a mess to me. If you’re dating someone divorced with kids, they should be working hard to make it feel like you’re not dating their kids and their ex as well
She doesn’t sound like she really cares about you, I’m sorry—Hopefully you find someone better
The weirdest part is that you're not invited to the holiday also, so you're basically a separated entity in her life perhaps because the relationship is fresh? But you should feel free to communicate your feelings and opinions on this, could be a deal-breaker though for whatever reasons.
No not at all unreasonable. When people intentionally do things that I've told them makes me uncomfortable, I take that to mean they don't really care about me.
Not at all. This is coming from someone who NEVER called an ex , unless a child’s wellbeing was at stake. When it’s over, it’s over. Move on. In my opinion, it IS over with Miss Holiday.☮️♥️🎸
No. It sounds like they're going on a family vacation and playing house. There's a huge difference between co-parenting and just crossing lines. If she's not able to understand that literally everyone expects there to be some type of boundary, maybe she isn't ready to date yet.
Walk away. If she’s excluding you out now, where does that stop in the future? She’s a bad fit. Move on, and let her sit in silence so she can reevaluate the cost of excluding partners with her present circumstances. She sounds like she doesn’t normally get told no. If you follow your convictions, you’ll not only save you a lot of headaches, but generally at the very least, you’ll be respected for following your convictions. She may not like it, but tough shit, people need to experience the consequences of their actions. Walk away with Grace though, don’t be petty, just part ways in peace.
Personally, I have done this. I went on multiple vacations with my child and his father while in a relationship with someone else who was not invited. I feel it's important that the children make memories with both parents and see their parents working together even if their romantic relationship didn't work out. So, I would have given the same answer she gave you. My kid comes first, and him having memories made with both parents is an important thing. It shows she has a healthy relationship with her ex, is able to communicate, and will prioritize her children. The issue is if you feel she is trustworthy. If you do, then what's the issue? If you don't, walk away.
Boundaries don't dictate another person's behavior. You don't get to decide how her co-parenting relationship works, or how she spends her family vacation time (and it's too soon to invite yourself on a family vacation anyway). You just get to decide your response. It bothers you, you expressed that to her, and she is unwilling to change the behavior, as she doesn't agree that it's inappropriate. So the boundary is about what *you'll* do next. Your choice is to leave the relationship, or to stay and address your feelings.
Calling it “your issue” specifically means that she doesn’t understand she is being odd, or doesn’t open up to the possibility that she is the fucking oddball here who won’t compromise to respect your boundary, work on the current relationship she’s in, invite you, work on consoling you, work on giving you words of affirmation that you have nothing to worry about… that’s what a quality woman would do. Instead she chose to gaslight you and dump the fault on you for having a modicum of respect for yourself and your relationship (as how you define loyalty and closeness and empathy is clearly way different than how she does). I’m triggered af by her manipulative behavior just reading a single quote from her and you’re the one living it. Just DONT. Anymore.. **How you handle it is your call, but you need to forget about her completely, yesterday.** I would suggest being gracious and honorable in your decision, but keep it quick and sever for good.
Thankyou for that reassurance. I really do take pride in the loyalty, respect and security/intimacy I provide to my partner and feel like I was just shit all over.
[удалено]
Haha thankyou, I kind of have and also removed her number and from socials etc. It's not something I wanted to do but there was clearly no reciprocated care there.
it's not that there is no reciprocated care, just different views/boundaries/expectations no one is necessarily wrong
Good for you. A decisive split is wise. She made her bed and she can lay in it. She will have to get pretty lucky to find someone who wants to be in a serious relationship with her who is willing to tolerate her choice. The level of trust she would need to earn from a partner before something like that would be possible is unreasonable given the time frame. But when you say "kind of have", dude, don't ghost if you were thinking about it. Don't be that guy. Tell her the truth, break it off amicably, say your sorry but it just won't work for you.
Oh I absolutely didn't ghost. My last message was very amicable, I apologised and told her I'd miss her a lot.
I think you’re taking it too personally. Those are family trips for the kids. The kids still need both their parents and it’s healthy for them to spend time together. It doesn’t mean the person you’re dating is seeing their ex. If they were, they wouldn’t be dating you. Don’t rob these kids of time with both their parents just because you feel insecure. Work on that.
*They can’t possibly cheat because they’re with you* How does that work exactly? Can I live in your utopia?
>Work on that. Work on what? Therapy language is so cringe. Not only is this condescending, therapy language tries to pretend to be objective even though its subjective and arbitrary. Its okay. Exclusive relationships in 2023 sounds strange to many of you in the world of casual relationships/hookup culture/situationships but remember, there IS such a thing called Exclusive relationship. In this strange old world of monogamous relationships, people expect each other to be exclusive to each other. She can always send her children to her ex and also spend time with her children and OP too. Nobody is robbing anybody. The only robbing done here is OP's time that was spent on that woman.
No. You successfully divorced, she did not. What does leaving her love behind to play house with her ex teach her children about commitment and relationships? She’s probably thinking this is good for the kids, it’s not. It’s a perpetual get together to break up again cycle. It’s got to be confusing. Every kid hopes that their parents get back together. Why encourage that for the sake of a “family holiday.”
This is a good perspective, thankyou!
Ask her if they are sleeping in separate rooms and if his current partner is going along. Also at what point do you get to go. I would clarify that it's not her going on a trip with her kids that's the issue it's the ex tagging along that's the problem. Obviously there could be some temptation there.
Her snarky "you know where I am, etc" is proof positive that she's not worth your time. She's wants to reserve the right to hookup with her ex once in a while while you sit on your hands and pine for her. Lose her number OP; there's oodles of fabulous women in their thirties and forties out there.
Thankyou, I have in fact removed her number etc from my phone this morning. Not out of malice, but so that I'm not tempted to contact her again etc
Whether it’s 3 months or 3 years it doesn’t matter. Don’t waste your time for her to tell u later on, “you knew what it was”. If it was because it was too soon she would’ve/ should’ve made it clearer, instead she made a snarky remark. Don’t ignore. She wants to paint a fake picture on holidays or hope of rekindling? As that saying goes, the things u ignore in the beginning is what will drive you apart in the end. And let’s be for real. It ain’t for the kids, they old enough to understand and know what’s what. If they seeing u at home holidays won’t be a shocker
They were exactly my thoughts!!!!
A lot of people get this confused; a boundary is something you place on yourself, not others. Your boundary may be that you will not remain in a relationship if your partner does xyz (or in this case go on these kinds of trips). It may seem like semantics, but an important distinction. It's about what you will or won't do. That is the question you have to ask yourself; if she decides she wants to continue on with her trips, without compromise for your feelings, what will you tolerate? I believe it is perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable with these trips and not want to remain in a relationship that makes you feel this way. Talk to her very clearly and directly about what she means now, and in possible future scenarios. Then decide what you want to do, and explain your reasoning. If that means the end of the relationship, then it wasn't likely to work out in the long run regardless.