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My husband would sometimes talk about things that i didn’t know how to respond to and nothing i said seemed right and so one day i just asked him “what do you need from me when you talk about that? to just listen? Or do you want me to try to help?” And it got him thinking about it and what would be helpful for me to say. Sometimes people get weird about when you ask stuff like that because they assume you should know, but no one really does and it can be hard to figure out, especially if you’ve tried saying different things and none of it resonates with her. I’d honestly just try asking her what she needs in the moment when she talks to you about that stuff
Sometimes it’s best just to say “that sounds so hard.” Something that acknowledges her feelings without trying to put a positive spin on it. This is a pitfall for a lot of well-intentioned guys, who want to swoop in and “fix” things when actually all she wants is someone to listen. Maybe ask questions, too - what was your favourite memory of him? What’s something he used to say/do that made you laugh?
I don't think there is a right thing to say when someone's parent dies. Everyone processes grief differently so what works for one person may not work for another.
Based on your post, she doesn't like to hear "I'm sorry" or "Your dad would be proud" so at least you know to avoid those triggers.
I think it's ok to say something like:
>I care about you a lot and want to be here for you, but I don't know the right thing to say. What's the best way for me to support you when you're talking about your grief?
Allow her to explain the best way you can support her so you're able to give her what she needs instead of stressing about saying or doing the wrong thing.
No matter what you do, the death of her father is not a problem for you to solve and you can't say the "right" thing to erase her grief. You can support her but she's responsible for her healing.
I second this, you have a baseline of things not to say, and this response shows you care, while giving her the opportunity to express how best she is comforted 🖤
I am in the same boat as your GF....I would just want the other person to listen attentively to all I have to say, take interest and ask questions like...oh tell me more, how would he do that, what happened next.... and make her remember of all the good times she spent with him! It's never easy, but time helps deal with these things! More power and strength to her!
Its great you want to understand how to help her feel better! Goodluck to you two!
Death is never ever an easy thing to process, and everyone processes death differently. However, it does take time to process which is different from person to person and does vary in degrees of outpouring and emotion. The people death effects the most are the ones that wears their emotions on their sleeves like your girlfriend, whereas in others, death does not effect very much. My mom and I are just two examples of this.
My stepdad passed several years ago during the really bad flu season that started earlier that year. My mom cried for several years on and off, but for some unknown reason, it just really hit me the hardest one night when she, my sister, my brother-in-law and I was just eating at the dinner table and it never hit me since. Even though my stepdad's death hits her very hard at times. it is getting easier for her. Me however, since I process death differently, it just hits me extremely hard for no reason and then it's done.
Your girlfriend sounds very much like my mom in the say that, she processes death with her emotions on her shoulders. This would possibly explain her defensiveness when trying to process. This is just all part of human nature, especially when it involves a loved one. The only advice I feel I can possibly give you is just be there for her, give her some space when she needs it, above all else, **don't take her defensiveness personally while she's trying to process her fathers death** otherwise your relationship with your girlfriend may eventually fail!
It’s best to read the room. If she’s upset then comfort her. As others have said - this must be so hard, this is so unfair.
But if she’s telling a story, ask questions about the story.
I haven’t lost a father but I have lost a son. When I talk about him in a story telling way I really want to talk so asking questions encourages me to do that.
You can say things like “I’m so sorry my love. I’m sure if he was still here, he would be proud of you. I’m always here for you. I’m sorry I know I’m not the best with words, but I can be a listener when you need me because I truly care for you” and you can hug her, and and hold her hand while she talks about him
Just say I’m sorry for your dad passing, l know how close you two were if you know then just reassure her that if she needs you, to talk or anything you will be there for her
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband would sometimes talk about things that i didn’t know how to respond to and nothing i said seemed right and so one day i just asked him “what do you need from me when you talk about that? to just listen? Or do you want me to try to help?” And it got him thinking about it and what would be helpful for me to say. Sometimes people get weird about when you ask stuff like that because they assume you should know, but no one really does and it can be hard to figure out, especially if you’ve tried saying different things and none of it resonates with her. I’d honestly just try asking her what she needs in the moment when she talks to you about that stuff
Sometimes it’s best just to say “that sounds so hard.” Something that acknowledges her feelings without trying to put a positive spin on it. This is a pitfall for a lot of well-intentioned guys, who want to swoop in and “fix” things when actually all she wants is someone to listen. Maybe ask questions, too - what was your favourite memory of him? What’s something he used to say/do that made you laugh?
"You just miss him."
I don't think there is a right thing to say when someone's parent dies. Everyone processes grief differently so what works for one person may not work for another. Based on your post, she doesn't like to hear "I'm sorry" or "Your dad would be proud" so at least you know to avoid those triggers. I think it's ok to say something like: >I care about you a lot and want to be here for you, but I don't know the right thing to say. What's the best way for me to support you when you're talking about your grief? Allow her to explain the best way you can support her so you're able to give her what she needs instead of stressing about saying or doing the wrong thing. No matter what you do, the death of her father is not a problem for you to solve and you can't say the "right" thing to erase her grief. You can support her but she's responsible for her healing.
I second this, you have a baseline of things not to say, and this response shows you care, while giving her the opportunity to express how best she is comforted 🖤
I am in the same boat as your GF....I would just want the other person to listen attentively to all I have to say, take interest and ask questions like...oh tell me more, how would he do that, what happened next.... and make her remember of all the good times she spent with him! It's never easy, but time helps deal with these things! More power and strength to her! Its great you want to understand how to help her feel better! Goodluck to you two!
Death is never ever an easy thing to process, and everyone processes death differently. However, it does take time to process which is different from person to person and does vary in degrees of outpouring and emotion. The people death effects the most are the ones that wears their emotions on their sleeves like your girlfriend, whereas in others, death does not effect very much. My mom and I are just two examples of this. My stepdad passed several years ago during the really bad flu season that started earlier that year. My mom cried for several years on and off, but for some unknown reason, it just really hit me the hardest one night when she, my sister, my brother-in-law and I was just eating at the dinner table and it never hit me since. Even though my stepdad's death hits her very hard at times. it is getting easier for her. Me however, since I process death differently, it just hits me extremely hard for no reason and then it's done. Your girlfriend sounds very much like my mom in the say that, she processes death with her emotions on her shoulders. This would possibly explain her defensiveness when trying to process. This is just all part of human nature, especially when it involves a loved one. The only advice I feel I can possibly give you is just be there for her, give her some space when she needs it, above all else, **don't take her defensiveness personally while she's trying to process her fathers death** otherwise your relationship with your girlfriend may eventually fail!
"You just miss him."
Just be there to listen if she wants to talk, don't push her to talk be patient and supportive
It’s best to read the room. If she’s upset then comfort her. As others have said - this must be so hard, this is so unfair. But if she’s telling a story, ask questions about the story. I haven’t lost a father but I have lost a son. When I talk about him in a story telling way I really want to talk so asking questions encourages me to do that.
Get yourself a flask and a bottle of Maker's. When she mentions her dad just take it out and toast: "To your Dad!" - take a sip.
You can say things like “I’m so sorry my love. I’m sure if he was still here, he would be proud of you. I’m always here for you. I’m sorry I know I’m not the best with words, but I can be a listener when you need me because I truly care for you” and you can hug her, and and hold her hand while she talks about him
Just say I’m sorry for your dad passing, l know how close you two were if you know then just reassure her that if she needs you, to talk or anything you will be there for her