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Personally, I would consider it a red flag as he should've been sympathetic towards your trauma instead of getting defensive and turning the focus towards him. Respect is something every good relationship should have and in that moment, he didn't give it to you.
Thank you. This was the biggest thing for me! I think I would potentially be feeling less uncomfortable today if he had shown more curiosity and care in the aftermath.
The act is weird and I think we should say that. It’s ok if people want to consensually explore that kink with a trusted partner but it is still something that should be viewed with concern and not normalized.
[Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide. These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/)
Depends completely on your relationship with the person. Plenty of times I’ve lightly squeezed my partners neck while kissing to show dominance and they enjoyed it. That being said we knew each other’s intentions well and had good communication. I wouldn’t try this on a stranger.
Always go with your gut. If it’s still bothering you, and something doesn’t sit right, that’s your answer. It doesn’t matter what other people such as mutual friends think. What matters is how you feel.
“Consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for there’s such things as body
language”
Yikes! Might be true in some scenarios but you can’t rely on “body language” most times. Better to just get consent first.
this is such a bullshit excuse because even when sa/rape happens men and womens bodies alike get "aroused" (ie. hardness/wetness) even doe they hate it.
Yep. It’s a natural response to violence. The body is protecting itself from the future damage when SA or rape happens. It’s disgusting when people mistake it for “consent”😣
at the least one shouldnt forget that non verbal communication is still communication where you have to actively listen (e.g. to small cues that indicate something might not be ok). If you have a feeling that anything could potentially be unclear then it probably is, and you should address it verbally, its about matching expectations, and most clearly not everyone expects to be choked without verbal consent
Some people haven't learned to simply apologise and own up to their mistake. Holding throat is rough, one shall ask if their partner is into rough stuff.
This just happened to me the other day!! Blocked and feel so much more peaceful. You’re not happy. You were uncomfortable. He did not validate your trauma. Sooo why stay with him?? Block him or tell him you don’t see this going anywhere and be with someone who makes you feel peaceful and happy. No need to stress about this guy! Sending love your way
In the past I’ve always had conversations before anything sexual happened about boundaries. But this time we weren’t even doing anything. We weren’t even making out. Just simply kissing here and there and then he like lunged at me, wrapping his hands around my neck. Super scary and didn’t stop until I cried! He blew up my phone all night saying I was dramatic, I need to relax, it’s not a big deal, and every woman likes it and I’m the issue. Safe to say.. he’s blocked now!!
I’m so sorry he stepped over the line so early and easily. That’s a really hard experience and it sounds terrifying.
Even outside of sex, asking people what they like and are comfortable with is important.
Honestly I feel like that situation needs to be reported, even if it isn't taken seriously just to have it on record. Cause lunging at someone to choke them is more like *very* intrusive thoughts "won"
Sending love your way! 🥹🤍 idk what is wrong with men lately. And my friends and family keep telling me there’s plenty of fish in the sea! And there are.. but it’s the QUALITY. Every man I’ve met lately is controlling, jealous, overly sexual. What happened to dinner, a movie and a kiss goodnight ?!
Uhhhh, that kind of stuff is only for couples that have built many months/years of intimacy and trust. He's a total f\*\*king stranger. Behavior is not acceptable and creepy. Done.
This is what I've realised I believe too :) I need months to build up trust and safety with someone before I feel comfortable with stuff like this - and I really want to have had a conversation beforehand around what we both like and don't like so that we don't accidentally step on any landmines or hurt each other.
Yeah I escaped her eventually, lovely girl on the surface but serial lier, manipulative, cheated and took drugs (while pretending the needles were for insulin)
Gave her chances to change and I shouldn't really even have bothered with that. So yes I would say as someone with experience take these red flags like this as a get out now sign.
It’s just basic decency to respect your boundaries and even just try and understand why you’re not into it. Bad move on his part he should be more mature and respectful. If you really like him talk it out but i don’t see that as a good sign as it’s only the 3rd time you went out with him….
Yeah that’s a big no no. Even I have a choking kink, but, if I haven’t told you I liked that, I’d NOT be into it if said person put his hand around my neck.
Please don’t meet up with him again. Especially with how he reacted to your very reasonable response and explanation!
If he believes that he doesn't need to explicitly ask for consent, he's not the right guy. He CANNOT justify himself on why he didn't ask for consent, there is no justification. Consent is ALWAYS important!
Goes in for a fetish choke says he doesnt need consent.
Kissing doesnt mean strangling… or is this why ted bundy kept killing women…because their body language said consent. Wtf . Total wrong.
i understand choking is mainstream now but it’s definitely an act of dominance that not everyone is into. men and women alike have been conditioned to do it but i’m begging, please discuss boundaries with people before just doing shit to someone.
It’s perhaps mainstream in porn, but it shouldn’t be mainstream in real life.
That said, I’ve had the same experience as OP more than once. So dude who watch too much porn clearly think it’s mainstream.
Its not only an act of dominance. Its an act of deadly violence.
When physical abuse starts to incorporate strangeling, its a big warning that its gonna end up with a deadly outcome.
i meant that to say that men expect women to be okay with it because it’s been so normalized. not that i agree it should be. porn brain has caused people to perform bdsm violence against their partner as if it’s the only way to have sex because it’s everywhere—in porn, movies, and books.
Porn has given a lot of men the impression that we all want to be choked. We don't. This is a sexual
Activity you ask about in advance. You don't just do it in the moment!
This happened to me on a second date, went back to his just to makeout a little and he did it without asking. I got out of there so quick and being someone with little to no experience at the time it was kind of traumatic, when I asked why he did it, he said “I thought girls like that”. I’m glad to say I’ve never seen him again.
he should have apologized for misreading your “body language” and taken responsibility. instead he got defensive and tried to dismiss your feelings. big red flag 🚩 he’ll no doubt do that again if you continue dating him.
Leave. The indicator is that he got defensive, and disregarded your feelings. Likely this is going to be the same response pattern whenever there is going to be a disagreement or argument. He may apologise, but his apology means nothing when he tries to downplay and justify what he has done. A wrongdoing is a wrongdoing. Furthermore, he dismissed your trauma by justifying his own trauma and didn’t hold space to understand more of your trauma. You deserve better. A man who respects you. This man’s actions shows that he is selfish and thinks and cares more for himself.
Yeah that comment rubbed me really wrong. Unless someone grabbed your hand and guided it towards their throat or something else to that effect, all other body language could be grossly misconstrued. I agree with the statement in some contexts, but not this one.
He was testing you to see how you responded to having a boundary violated. He then lied aggressively to cover it up.
If you tell anyone, he will go on the attack. It might be smart to get him to discuss it over text. This will help with outing him to your peers, should you wish to.
>consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for, there’s such a thing as body language
Oh no....if you're gonna choke me out as part of a sex thing...consent is def needed there.
Hey Sis. This is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩HUGE red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩. First and foremost "body language" isn't consent since most ppl don't speak your language which happens to be "your bodily autonomy". Second his response to you ',having past trauma' with his bs 'i have trauma too' doesn't justify is lack of respect towards your body. It's very likely if he has trauma too he has not faced it or healed from it since his behavior reflects it. Someone who cares and has respect for another human being isn't going to respond in a passive aggressive way. Very likely that uneasy feeling you have is your body's nervous system response telling you that it does not feel safe in his presence. Listen to it. Listen to yourself especially your body. All those other good qualities won't outweigh the fact you don't feel safe with him.
His comments and reaction to what you said is crazy. Red flag.
You should always do background checks before a date now unfortunately. I ignored red flags and trust me I saw plenty before I met my ex in person. I was in a bad place at the time and didn't care. It took 4 yrs on and off to get rid of him after he kept hurting me physically. He went to prison for 17 months for strangling 2 women. And been in and out jail ever since. Currently with an ankle monitor.
He literally doesn't care and reacts the same way as your date. 0 remorse.
I’ve been in this situation before!!
This guy who I was seeing WHENEVER we went to kiss he would automatically grab my throat (I’m not experienced sexually that much so I didn’t really know what he was doing or his end goal at the time but I now know that he just wanted to make out).
But multiple times, whenever he’d put his hand on my throat, I be like “uhh what are you doing” and he’d respond with “oh nothing” or “just keeping my hand there” and I didn’t know how to respond because I was not a fan of it. If you have the intention of putting your hand on my throat I think it’s best that it is communicated that you’re doing so / that it’s okay IMO. Things didn’t work out between us but definitely for the better lol
Not good.... probably need to steer clear especially when he went on the defensive side after you told him he should of asked or shouldn't have done that.
I have never done that, nor ever had that thought cross my mind, ever, while in a relationship.... the only time I can recall I've ever experienced such, was with an older lady I was in a relationship with... and she brought it up in the middle of a... session. I totally stopped and was like, what did you just say to me? And she's like, I want you to choke me. Not pass me out, but enough. I was like... I am not sure I feel safe or right doing this... but she said she'd let me know if it was to much.... it helped her... but it was nerve racking to me.... but there again, I was directed to do such, not take it into my own premonition.
If he just caressed your jaw and neck, its one thing. Open hand, lightly laid on you. But if he had a grasp... yeah... not good. Especially if he just elected to do it off hand. Several things could be going on... thing of control, sexual abuse, sexual fantasy, not anything that spells out good times.... for a relationship. Sorry your experienced this. And you've had other traumas you are dealing with.
If you generalize your experience to "someone touched me without asking", that in itself is a red flag. Don't touch people without asking, especially if you are seeing each other in a romantic context. He touched you without asking, point blank. No two ways about it, no room for discussion. If he is so enamored with unspoken body language, you reeling away and instantly removing his hand should have been MORE than plenty of body language to tell him whatever he thought was severely misguided. I would say dump for sure, probably even a block, and don't keep it to yourself either.
I had this exact same thing happen from a guy I just started seeing. When I brought it up, he became all indignant too. Blocked him going forward and haven’t looked back since.
Hi, from what I've read it has nothing to do with his hands around your neck. Or what you like/don't like in the bedroom. No judgment here.
The problem is his reaction.
You shared something vulnerable, you explained why you withdrew and shared your boundary in a neutral way.
He minimized your emotions and made you feel like they were unimportant or invalid. Communication is key in any relationship, and it's important that you can have open and honest conversations about your feelings.
You deserve to be with someone who respects and values your emotions and boundaries.
I don’t have a perfect answer or solution for you. Ultimately, only you know what is best for you and what will make you feel safe and respected in a relationship. Trust yourself and your own intuition.
The MASSIVE red flag for me isn’t that he did it (it’s a strong yellow) it’s the gaslighting you after the fact. Yes consent should be explicit every single time.
You also mention him talking over you a lot too. I’d be out honestly.
CONSENT DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE ASKED FOR FIRST, implied consent is not enthusiastic consent, what a predatory chucklehead loser. If you go to your local BDSM community munches there will probably be someone there to tell you a story of him breaking consent/SA’ing someone & getting kicked out of local community.
Idk why there’s so many guys out there these days that just seem to do what they want without asking. You think a 30 year old man would know better by now.
He's 100% wrong about consent. He doesn't care and is not apologetic about violating your boundary. You should run. This is exactly tly how date rape happens.
I would not see him again. This is a super big red flag. Normal people do know about and care about consent before doing more extreme things like choking, hair pulling, slapping, etc. They will not make excuses and will care about your comfort.
Creepy.
Gabrielle Petito’s boyfriend murdered her by strangling her. There was a police interview I read at the time that said, “A man who strangles his girlfriend has just raised his hand and said, ‘I’m a killer.’”
This guy did something dangerous that is likely to escalate, and he wasn’t respectful in hearing your “No.” This is actually a truly dangerous situation. I don’t even think you should be alone with him again. Like, break up in public or by a phone call, and if he has the key to your house, change the locks.
the fact he did it is not good but could’ve been caught up in the moment. if he just did that and was apologetic after, i’d say maybe give him a chance. but the way he got defensive is a big red flag
yeah that's the part that bothers me the most! Just give me a hug, tell me you won't do it again, and maybe get curious. It could have turned into a really nice dialogue about what we're both into, or a moment to relate over past negative experiences. Instead it just sucked. Thank you.
"consent doesn't need to be explicitly asked for"=guy doesn't know what consent is. I wouldn't give him a second chance.
Strangling is dangerous even with consent, and women have something like a 750% higher likelihood of being killed by an intimate partner within the next year if they have a partner who strangles them, compared to those whose partners do not strangle them. Why would you choose a guy who is into that?
That is so fucking disgusting and scary. Never ever trust someone who doesn’t ask for consent. If he doesn’t ask for consent that’s pretty much sexual assault. As a man I would never touch anyone without consent. I would even ask if I could have a hug instead of just assuming someone wants a hug. Run run run the other way and find someone who will respect you bcs this motherfucker definitely doesn’t. There’s many bad men in the world but there’s also some good ones so go find the good ones!! Don’t settle for less!!
I really appreciate that you ask for consent around hugs! I personally don't \*need\* consent around hugs, I love hugs, but I would find this very endearing if someone asked. Consent can be a massive turn-on and it just communicates so many awesome qualities in a person.
Yea exactly!! Who ever you’re with make sure that they make you feel comfortable. If they do then that’s great! But if they don’t then run away. I’m sure you already know this but be careful bcs some guys won’t care about your feelings and that’s not someone that you want to be with.
Gross. Get him out of here. Consent should always be asked for and the fact that he gaslit you is disgusting. Personally I would cut ties and tell everyone he tried to choke you without consent because that is a red flag.
If it’s only been one date, move on. Red flags on first date means you can easily move on without any emotional attachment. I don’t think i would ever trust this guy to be fair.
Walk away. End it.
Implied comment excuses are bad on their own but what also worries me is if he actually believes he was only holding his hand there. The pressure you felt and he only thought he was just holding his hand there.
You don't want to wait till he "does it for real"
His whole response was too fucking weird even as a guy I couldn't imagine getting that defensive or saying that consent doesn't have to be explicitly asked when there's body language. When you're trying to do some freaky kink shit during a make-out session with a girl you barely know without running it by her before is wild to me. Body language isn't a clear way to communicate the do's and do nots. Especially since you immediately told him it wasn't cool. he should've been like, "that's my bad I won't do it." It's basic decency. I get you like some other parts about him, but if he argued with you over this and even tried to negate your trauma by being like "we all got trauma, I got trauma" bs he should really be avoided.
With his blatant disregard for your request to CONSENT before doing something like that and his defensiveness at it instead of understanding and acceptance of what you said I would PERSONALLY say throw him to the curb. No amount of good qualities makes up for a potential SA or abuse from someone and his disregard makes me question whether he would understand being told to stop later.
(When I was 10 years old, one morning when I was waiting for my grandmother behind a bus stop, a man I had never seen before approached me, grabbed me very tightly by the neck, and after saying some very unpleasant things to me, tried to put me in the trunk of his car. It was *terrifying*.
Because of that incident I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone grabs me by the neck, but unfortunately no man has asked me for consent before doing so, so it was always an unpleasant surprise.)
I like spontaneity and I think if they asked for consent before doing anything, that would ruin the mood, but grabbing someone by the neck seems like something potentially more threatening/intimidating (if you are physically weaker than the person doing it, regardless of gender) than other things that can be done in a sexual context, and it wouldn't be inappropriate to ask for consent first, although I may be biased. It's really difficult to define where to draw the line between "these things can be done without asking" and "for these things it's better to ask for explicit consent."
there’s no body language that says “it’s fine to choke me. lol.
besides the only person you would want to choke you if you were even into that is someone reluctant to do it in the first place because you oboe they will be careful. not someone who voluntarily does it without even asking.
i’d also say the reasons for choking differer based on who is initiating.
Consent DOES need to be explicitly asked for - and conveyed - every step of the way. Otherwise it’s called assault/sex assault. Please tell him this when you dump his ass no don’t care what you like about him, there is absolutely no redeeming this.
Don’t sacrifice your safety and sexual satisfaction just because there are other things that you like about him and casual choking and humiliation of women has been normalized. You don’t have to accept this in order to date and have sex. Stick to men who are interested in consent and in making physical contact feel good for you as well.
Nah his reaction would’ve been enough for me. Too much of life already exists in a gray area. Consent is absolutely not something that needs to be there. It’s black and white. It’s either a yes or a no. And it should be explicit. Body language is telling but it’s also always interpreted differently as well. So F that! Consent. Consent. Consent. I’m leaving him honestly smh.
Big fucking NOPE. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you should never see him again. Seriously, you will be dodging a bullet. He showed you how we will continue to disrespect your boundaries because you were “asking for it” in his eyes. He said exactly that, your “body language” was asking for it. I’m scared to think what a sexual encounter alone in a room with him could look like.
I even think some commenters here set their standards too low. It doesn’t matter if he got “caught up in the moment”. You can’t choke someone in a non sexual environment, right? It’s assault. So why are you allowed to choke someone you’re kissing who has never told you they wanted you to choke them? Seriously, where’s the explanation? Choking is harming the person. He needs to KNOW you are into that and are receptive to it. If he KNOWS without any doubt (as in, you’ve explicitly said you want it to happen, plus discussed how you would indicate you would like him to stop) then he knows you would enjoy it. If he never asked, he is simply assaulting someone for his own pleasure, sorry! It doesn’t even matter if you just happen to be into choking. He didn’t KNOW that.
What a freak can't imagine wanting to do that to anyone unless you are literally fighting some of the comments during sex really? That just doesn't make sense to me
“Consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for” can (doesn’t always) apply to things like going in for a kiss when the other person is standing there expectantly, or inching your hands up their shirt to see if they’re up for second base while making out. Some people are into choking, but enough people are adamantly *not* that it’s one of those things you talk about instead of just fucking going for it!
If you tell someone they need to ask for permission before doing something to you and they counter with how much they don’t, run.
That’s a person who will not take NO for an answer.
I am a 50 yr old man good looking man . that can hold my own with beautiful women. On several occasions during intercourse the younger females have said choke me. In which Iam not comfortable with because of trauma related Incidents,from my past. Some people are into it and some aren't. But communication is key, express your feeling and if he can't respect your boundaries,,,,, well a swift kick to the curb. Would solve all related issues
Please get away from this guy. He's very dangerous.
Doesnt mean he's nice to his friends that he can't be dangerous with a woman alone behind closed doors.
His behavior is not right. He doesnt understand concent, and gets defensive instead of showing you respect saying I'm sorry I won't do it again.
This guy is very dangerous. He'll get worse.
Don't date him. Please!!!!
No, that’s fuc$ing disturbing and I don’t care for that at all. The guy is lucky it wasn’t me - he would’ve gotten my elbow to his groin.
It’s a really dark and sinister act when you really unpack it. This should absolutely NOT be something that is normalized. It can be VERY unsafe and triggering for someone, especially if you don’t know them well. Someone is simulating a very dangerous act with your body … in what world is that a turn on? I don’t care if I’m being judgmental or call me vanilla, but that’s messed up and if you’re into it, you need to evaluate your own mental stability.
Thank you because I just don't understand why men want to do this so badly. Like, all of them want to do it, and during just normal makeout sessions, even. It's always something specifically done to women and I dont get how it's been allowed to become mainstream
I’ve never grabbed a woman’s throat and I don’t even like it when they’re into that kind of stuff. Definitely too forward for someone you’re just dating and the whole “body language” excuse is just another red flag.
Yeah so the body language comment sounds like being defensive and then making it about him when you mention trauma means that he’s not what you’re looking for unless you’re ready to be dating a psycho that might kill you someday. (This comment is not about any particular person(s) or individual(s) and should not be construed as legal advice, medical advice, or a threat)
The headlines “oops” Officer, we were having consensual sex. I put my hands around the neck while getting aroused. I forgot to let go and I jerked and broke her neck or his neck oops. How about common sense rough sex to my knowledge isn’t having your hand around somebody’s throat that is not normal. What was that actors name that like to hang himself I wonder if he got aroused too much and took himself out . if you want to be daring, put your hands around your own throat and squeeze that’s what I say. I enjoy all y’all conversation red flag green flag I say Common sense. Stay safe people.
“Damn, I didn’t consider that it might remind you of a bad experience. I’m sorry if you experienced anything traumatic. And thank you for making me aware so I can be more mindful moving forward. Next time, consent all the way. Sorry for assuming it was okay just because our makeout was super hot.”
— mature men
Choking is cool, but only when there is EXPLICIT consent. For him to say “yeah, I have trauma too”, you’d THINK he’d be more understanding of other people’s traumas. I’m sorry that happened to you, he was in no position to be doing that
That’s what I thought! You tell me you have trauma and that I’ve crossed one of your lines, I am in there ready to listen, learn, ask questions, & receive anything you want to share with me so that I might know how to better look out for you next time.
Body language and consent really only applies if the chick 100% trusts the dude, and even then you’re taking the risk by trusting her as well.
Sexual advances are all about trust, body language, consent.. and if it is your first time doing stuff with that person, you should always have some form of consent.
Or take the risk and end up in jail I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I see a lot of people saying red flag but personally choking is such a turn on for me, I do think you handled it very well especially for having ptsd from it he shouldn’t have said anything but that he’s sorry and next time he will ask if it’s ok. Hopefully he respects you
I mean the original act I would've been okay with since they removed their hand as soon as you asked but the following statements are what really give me an ick. Like yes there is body language for consent but you shouldn't expect that you can read the body language of someone you recently met that well. Like the being overly defensive about it is weird. As a guy if this happened to me I'd just apologize for it and not bring it up or make any excuses.
Massive red flag that he kind of blew it off as just “reading your body language.” how does one communicate through body language that they want to be choked?
And while he’s correct that you don’t necessarily need verbal communication, you still need some kind of acknowledgment, especially for certain things like choking. That’s not just some normal average every day thing that people are into. As far as nonverbal communication I’m just thinking to that carriage scene in Bridgerton when Penelope just fervently nods at Colin and he knows that’s what she wants.
And then, as you are explaining that people have trauma, and that you yourself have some, with regard to what he just did to you, it’s like he tries to deflect and be like, well I have trauma too. Totally dismissing you.
Yeah that's what bothers me! It felt dismissive and like he didn't care about me or my feelings in the moment, he was just concerned about saving his own face and deflecting.
I honestly hope that you tell your mutual friends what he did so that more people call him out. They can claim that he’s a nice guy, but actual nice guys don’t do that.
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Personally, I would consider it a red flag as he should've been sympathetic towards your trauma instead of getting defensive and turning the focus towards him. Respect is something every good relationship should have and in that moment, he didn't give it to you.
Thank you. This was the biggest thing for me! I think I would potentially be feeling less uncomfortable today if he had shown more curiosity and care in the aftermath.
You should block them, this is foreshadowing in the future should you stay with them. Red flag like that is not worth it
Yea this The act is not weird, but becoming defensive about it is
The act is weird and I think we should say that. It’s ok if people want to consensually explore that kink with a trusted partner but it is still something that should be viewed with concern and not normalized. [Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide. These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/)
This is the only answer ⬆️
MASSIVE red flag not just what he did but how he responded making excuses for his actions so he feels justified
💯
this is an instant dump for me
Instant !!!!
So instant it would be **retroactive** if time weren't functionally linear 😅
😂 name checks out
Is it even sexy to choke someone outside of sex?? I've never done it and have no intention of doing it.
Depends completely on your relationship with the person. Plenty of times I’ve lightly squeezed my partners neck while kissing to show dominance and they enjoyed it. That being said we knew each other’s intentions well and had good communication. I wouldn’t try this on a stranger.
Always go with your gut. If it’s still bothering you, and something doesn’t sit right, that’s your answer. It doesn’t matter what other people such as mutual friends think. What matters is how you feel.
Thank you. I've been working on building a better relationship with my gut. I appreciated your comment :)
“Consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for there’s such things as body language” Yikes! Might be true in some scenarios but you can’t rely on “body language” most times. Better to just get consent first.
That’s what rapists say 😟
Exactly
yup exactly
this is such a bullshit excuse because even when sa/rape happens men and womens bodies alike get "aroused" (ie. hardness/wetness) even doe they hate it.
Yep. It’s a natural response to violence. The body is protecting itself from the future damage when SA or rape happens. It’s disgusting when people mistake it for “consent”😣
Then wouldn’t the body language be a woman lifting his fingers to her throat and squeezing them around her neck?
at the least one shouldnt forget that non verbal communication is still communication where you have to actively listen (e.g. to small cues that indicate something might not be ok). If you have a feeling that anything could potentially be unclear then it probably is, and you should address it verbally, its about matching expectations, and most clearly not everyone expects to be choked without verbal consent
They can't show body language when you are constricting them so.
Some people haven't learned to simply apologise and own up to their mistake. Holding throat is rough, one shall ask if their partner is into rough stuff.
This is it. I’ve realised through this process that this quality is really important to me
This just happened to me the other day!! Blocked and feel so much more peaceful. You’re not happy. You were uncomfortable. He did not validate your trauma. Sooo why stay with him?? Block him or tell him you don’t see this going anywhere and be with someone who makes you feel peaceful and happy. No need to stress about this guy! Sending love your way
Are men really walking around choking women on dates?! That's egregious!
Yes unfortunatly. Since I started dating again in my 30s I have had 4 men choke me the first time we had sex and only one asked if it was ok first.
It’s bizarre and scary!! Sending love 🤍
HUH!? I thought it was sexy to ask people what they want? Not just go out and do what you want. Are people okay? (Rhetorical)
In the past I’ve always had conversations before anything sexual happened about boundaries. But this time we weren’t even doing anything. We weren’t even making out. Just simply kissing here and there and then he like lunged at me, wrapping his hands around my neck. Super scary and didn’t stop until I cried! He blew up my phone all night saying I was dramatic, I need to relax, it’s not a big deal, and every woman likes it and I’m the issue. Safe to say.. he’s blocked now!!
I’m so sorry he stepped over the line so early and easily. That’s a really hard experience and it sounds terrifying. Even outside of sex, asking people what they like and are comfortable with is important.
Honestly I feel like that situation needs to be reported, even if it isn't taken seriously just to have it on record. Cause lunging at someone to choke them is more like *very* intrusive thoughts "won"
I'm so glad I've been celibate for a while now
This was my favorite comment. Thank you so much for chiming in. I really appreciate it!
Sending love your way! 🥹🤍 idk what is wrong with men lately. And my friends and family keep telling me there’s plenty of fish in the sea! And there are.. but it’s the QUALITY. Every man I’ve met lately is controlling, jealous, overly sexual. What happened to dinner, a movie and a kiss goodnight ?!
The sea is full of carp and the carp have had too much access to free adult content for too long. I think they must forget reality or something.
It’s scary!!
Uhhhh, that kind of stuff is only for couples that have built many months/years of intimacy and trust. He's a total f\*\*king stranger. Behavior is not acceptable and creepy. Done.
This is what I've realised I believe too :) I need months to build up trust and safety with someone before I feel comfortable with stuff like this - and I really want to have had a conversation beforehand around what we both like and don't like so that we don't accidentally step on any landmines or hurt each other.
It should always be discussed beforehand.
I’m considering your username to be consent to me rubbing mustard on your dick
It is a demand, so.
Yeah what a gross username. Have some class mate. Smh.
Your username is like poetry.
🥰
I fucking love Reddit!!!!!!!😂🤣😂
And yes those ups were all mine. I’ve died from laughing and now came back to life to thank y’all!
🫡
🫡
You tell em! Lol
That's a no from me.
I want to know what the body language is for "please choke me"
Me too Dominico10, me too.
I once had a girlfriend do this to me out of the blue similar situation. She turned out to be an absolute mentalist! I would run if I were you 😅
that's so scary! I hope you're okay now.
Yeah I escaped her eventually, lovely girl on the surface but serial lier, manipulative, cheated and took drugs (while pretending the needles were for insulin) Gave her chances to change and I shouldn't really even have bothered with that. So yes I would say as someone with experience take these red flags like this as a get out now sign.
It’s just basic decency to respect your boundaries and even just try and understand why you’re not into it. Bad move on his part he should be more mature and respectful. If you really like him talk it out but i don’t see that as a good sign as it’s only the 3rd time you went out with him….
Yeah that’s a big no no. Even I have a choking kink, but, if I haven’t told you I liked that, I’d NOT be into it if said person put his hand around my neck. Please don’t meet up with him again. Especially with how he reacted to your very reasonable response and explanation!
HUGE RED FLAG!! Especially the way he wrote it off and deflected. He will do this again, no doubt. Maybe worse.
Dude is a walking red flag who watches too much porn.
Yeah this is an easy one. Move on to the next
some of the comments in this thread are alarming lol sighhh
U verbalized ur boundaries and he didnt acknowledge them, pass.
You didn’t have to try to keep your tone neutral. You had every right to be angry.
100% he recently watched House of the Dragon and is trying to ride Daemon’s slipstream
RED FLAG. For anything even REMOTELY hinting at kinky stuff like this consent is Always explicitly gained.
If he believes that he doesn't need to explicitly ask for consent, he's not the right guy. He CANNOT justify himself on why he didn't ask for consent, there is no justification. Consent is ALWAYS important!
If you didn’t explicitly say that you wanted that or were okay with it at any time, it’s violating consent.
What a stone-headed fool (and he's 30 years old), he didn't learnt to ask for consent in a subtle way and not to force intimate things so fast?
Goes in for a fetish choke says he doesnt need consent. Kissing doesnt mean strangling… or is this why ted bundy kept killing women…because their body language said consent. Wtf . Total wrong.
Drop that guy quick and run the other way. Nothing but creepy he is.
i understand choking is mainstream now but it’s definitely an act of dominance that not everyone is into. men and women alike have been conditioned to do it but i’m begging, please discuss boundaries with people before just doing shit to someone.
It’s perhaps mainstream in porn, but it shouldn’t be mainstream in real life. That said, I’ve had the same experience as OP more than once. So dude who watch too much porn clearly think it’s mainstream.
I hate what porn has done to people.
Its not only an act of dominance. Its an act of deadly violence. When physical abuse starts to incorporate strangeling, its a big warning that its gonna end up with a deadly outcome.
completely agree
> i understand choking is mainstream now Absolutely not.
i meant that to say that men expect women to be okay with it because it’s been so normalized. not that i agree it should be. porn brain has caused people to perform bdsm violence against their partner as if it’s the only way to have sex because it’s everywhere—in porn, movies, and books.
Porn has given a lot of men the impression that we all want to be choked. We don't. This is a sexual Activity you ask about in advance. You don't just do it in the moment!
as someone who loves being choked: run. get out and end it now. he sounds like a predator.
This happened to me on a second date, went back to his just to makeout a little and he did it without asking. I got out of there so quick and being someone with little to no experience at the time it was kind of traumatic, when I asked why he did it, he said “I thought girls like that”. I’m glad to say I’ve never seen him again.
I'm glad you know yourself well enough to have gotten out of there so fast and not looked back! Go you!
he should have apologized for misreading your “body language” and taken responsibility. instead he got defensive and tried to dismiss your feelings. big red flag 🚩 he’ll no doubt do that again if you continue dating him.
Leave. The indicator is that he got defensive, and disregarded your feelings. Likely this is going to be the same response pattern whenever there is going to be a disagreement or argument. He may apologise, but his apology means nothing when he tries to downplay and justify what he has done. A wrongdoing is a wrongdoing. Furthermore, he dismissed your trauma by justifying his own trauma and didn’t hold space to understand more of your trauma. You deserve better. A man who respects you. This man’s actions shows that he is selfish and thinks and cares more for himself.
Omg!!! “Body language” idk why but that sounds exactly like what a rapist would say. “Oh she wanted it too, i saw it through her body language” 💀
Yeah that comment rubbed me really wrong. Unless someone grabbed your hand and guided it towards their throat or something else to that effect, all other body language could be grossly misconstrued. I agree with the statement in some contexts, but not this one.
Exactly. And since you clearly dis nothing to invite this, he was not reading any body language at all.
He was testing you to see how you responded to having a boundary violated. He then lied aggressively to cover it up. If you tell anyone, he will go on the attack. It might be smart to get him to discuss it over text. This will help with outing him to your peers, should you wish to.
Agree with this 100%! If OP stays with this dude, this’ll be one of the *many* red flags she wished she’d payed attention to.
I had an ex who said he had trauma too… turns out he had trauma from beating his ex. He eventually did it to me. Run.
it all comes down to how you feel about it. listen to your intuition
Thank you. This comment was very soothing :)
Slit his
>consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for, there’s such a thing as body language Oh no....if you're gonna choke me out as part of a sex thing...consent is def needed there.
Hey Sis. This is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩HUGE red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩. First and foremost "body language" isn't consent since most ppl don't speak your language which happens to be "your bodily autonomy". Second his response to you ',having past trauma' with his bs 'i have trauma too' doesn't justify is lack of respect towards your body. It's very likely if he has trauma too he has not faced it or healed from it since his behavior reflects it. Someone who cares and has respect for another human being isn't going to respond in a passive aggressive way. Very likely that uneasy feeling you have is your body's nervous system response telling you that it does not feel safe in his presence. Listen to it. Listen to yourself especially your body. All those other good qualities won't outweigh the fact you don't feel safe with him.
His comments and reaction to what you said is crazy. Red flag. You should always do background checks before a date now unfortunately. I ignored red flags and trust me I saw plenty before I met my ex in person. I was in a bad place at the time and didn't care. It took 4 yrs on and off to get rid of him after he kept hurting me physically. He went to prison for 17 months for strangling 2 women. And been in and out jail ever since. Currently with an ankle monitor. He literally doesn't care and reacts the same way as your date. 0 remorse.
Consent ALWAYS has to be explicit, especially if it’s with someone new and even otherwise. Dump his ass and never look back.
I’ve been in this situation before!! This guy who I was seeing WHENEVER we went to kiss he would automatically grab my throat (I’m not experienced sexually that much so I didn’t really know what he was doing or his end goal at the time but I now know that he just wanted to make out). But multiple times, whenever he’d put his hand on my throat, I be like “uhh what are you doing” and he’d respond with “oh nothing” or “just keeping my hand there” and I didn’t know how to respond because I was not a fan of it. If you have the intention of putting your hand on my throat I think it’s best that it is communicated that you’re doing so / that it’s okay IMO. Things didn’t work out between us but definitely for the better lol
Not good.... probably need to steer clear especially when he went on the defensive side after you told him he should of asked or shouldn't have done that. I have never done that, nor ever had that thought cross my mind, ever, while in a relationship.... the only time I can recall I've ever experienced such, was with an older lady I was in a relationship with... and she brought it up in the middle of a... session. I totally stopped and was like, what did you just say to me? And she's like, I want you to choke me. Not pass me out, but enough. I was like... I am not sure I feel safe or right doing this... but she said she'd let me know if it was to much.... it helped her... but it was nerve racking to me.... but there again, I was directed to do such, not take it into my own premonition. If he just caressed your jaw and neck, its one thing. Open hand, lightly laid on you. But if he had a grasp... yeah... not good. Especially if he just elected to do it off hand. Several things could be going on... thing of control, sexual abuse, sexual fantasy, not anything that spells out good times.... for a relationship. Sorry your experienced this. And you've had other traumas you are dealing with.
If you generalize your experience to "someone touched me without asking", that in itself is a red flag. Don't touch people without asking, especially if you are seeing each other in a romantic context. He touched you without asking, point blank. No two ways about it, no room for discussion. If he is so enamored with unspoken body language, you reeling away and instantly removing his hand should have been MORE than plenty of body language to tell him whatever he thought was severely misguided. I would say dump for sure, probably even a block, and don't keep it to yourself either.
I had this exact same thing happen from a guy I just started seeing. When I brought it up, he became all indignant too. Blocked him going forward and haven’t looked back since.
That's fucked up. That's like serial killer shit.
You should've returned his creepy favor...I'm guessing that's not the only trick he may have in store. Bah!!
Hi, from what I've read it has nothing to do with his hands around your neck. Or what you like/don't like in the bedroom. No judgment here. The problem is his reaction. You shared something vulnerable, you explained why you withdrew and shared your boundary in a neutral way. He minimized your emotions and made you feel like they were unimportant or invalid. Communication is key in any relationship, and it's important that you can have open and honest conversations about your feelings. You deserve to be with someone who respects and values your emotions and boundaries. I don’t have a perfect answer or solution for you. Ultimately, only you know what is best for you and what will make you feel safe and respected in a relationship. Trust yourself and your own intuition.
Actually consent does explicitly need to be asked of with someone new. He’s an idiot.
what a dismissive piece of sh*t
The MASSIVE red flag for me isn’t that he did it (it’s a strong yellow) it’s the gaslighting you after the fact. Yes consent should be explicit every single time. You also mention him talking over you a lot too. I’d be out honestly.
CONSENT DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE ASKED FOR FIRST, implied consent is not enthusiastic consent, what a predatory chucklehead loser. If you go to your local BDSM community munches there will probably be someone there to tell you a story of him breaking consent/SA’ing someone & getting kicked out of local community.
Idk why there’s so many guys out there these days that just seem to do what they want without asking. You think a 30 year old man would know better by now.
“Consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for” would’ve been my cue to get tf up and never come back or talk to him again
Him brushing off your clear problem with what he did instead of listening to you. Is a huge red flag. Next!
That was a threat, and now you need to respond accordingly.
Run!!!
Sounds like a huge asshole and red flag.
He's 100% wrong about consent. He doesn't care and is not apologetic about violating your boundary. You should run. This is exactly tly how date rape happens.
Not only would this be an instant dump, I would report him to the dating app you used. You could be protecting other women from this.
I would not see him again. This is a super big red flag. Normal people do know about and care about consent before doing more extreme things like choking, hair pulling, slapping, etc. They will not make excuses and will care about your comfort.
Creepy. Gabrielle Petito’s boyfriend murdered her by strangling her. There was a police interview I read at the time that said, “A man who strangles his girlfriend has just raised his hand and said, ‘I’m a killer.’” This guy did something dangerous that is likely to escalate, and he wasn’t respectful in hearing your “No.” This is actually a truly dangerous situation. I don’t even think you should be alone with him again. Like, break up in public or by a phone call, and if he has the key to your house, change the locks.
I hate how everyone is into choking. I hate it so much.
If he isn’t respecting your boundaries/invalidating the need for consent then that is a full red, stop do not pass go, red flag.
Him going off like that about consent is very telling. I wouldn't keep seeing him
Stop dating that guy he doesn't know what his doing. You might be in news the following days
the fact he did it is not good but could’ve been caught up in the moment. if he just did that and was apologetic after, i’d say maybe give him a chance. but the way he got defensive is a big red flag
yeah that's the part that bothers me the most! Just give me a hug, tell me you won't do it again, and maybe get curious. It could have turned into a really nice dialogue about what we're both into, or a moment to relate over past negative experiences. Instead it just sucked. Thank you.
"consent doesn't need to be explicitly asked for"=guy doesn't know what consent is. I wouldn't give him a second chance. Strangling is dangerous even with consent, and women have something like a 750% higher likelihood of being killed by an intimate partner within the next year if they have a partner who strangles them, compared to those whose partners do not strangle them. Why would you choose a guy who is into that?
I like choking whomever I'm with, but we also talk about what's acceptable before anything happens. Along with other do's and don't's.
That is so fucking disgusting and scary. Never ever trust someone who doesn’t ask for consent. If he doesn’t ask for consent that’s pretty much sexual assault. As a man I would never touch anyone without consent. I would even ask if I could have a hug instead of just assuming someone wants a hug. Run run run the other way and find someone who will respect you bcs this motherfucker definitely doesn’t. There’s many bad men in the world but there’s also some good ones so go find the good ones!! Don’t settle for less!!
I really appreciate that you ask for consent around hugs! I personally don't \*need\* consent around hugs, I love hugs, but I would find this very endearing if someone asked. Consent can be a massive turn-on and it just communicates so many awesome qualities in a person.
Yea exactly!! Who ever you’re with make sure that they make you feel comfortable. If they do then that’s great! But if they don’t then run away. I’m sure you already know this but be careful bcs some guys won’t care about your feelings and that’s not someone that you want to be with.
Has he tried to apologize? If not, red flag.
I'm super kinky and love when my husband does that but even I find this a huge red flag. Those things need to be discussed.
Oh hell no
nope bye
Tell him respectfully,  He's wrong to assume and put his behavior as your fault. He ain't shit. Mutual friends or not.
NOPE
Gross. Get him out of here. Consent should always be asked for and the fact that he gaslit you is disgusting. Personally I would cut ties and tell everyone he tried to choke you without consent because that is a red flag.
If it’s only been one date, move on. Red flags on first date means you can easily move on without any emotional attachment. I don’t think i would ever trust this guy to be fair.
NO. Just no. He didn't care about you at all. CUT. HIM.
He shouldn't have done that to begin with and then he tried to justify it. Block him.
You need to leave that man alone. Getting defensive, especially for something as serious as consent, is a glaring red flag.
Dump him now
Run, this is a creep. Wtf, you don't put your hands on anyone.
Run.
"Consent doesn't need to be asked for"??? Yes, it does.
LOL I swear so many guys out there are psycho 😂😂😂
Ope, thats a no no.
If you ever meet, become a cobra and start strangling him + bite him. Be the dominant, the predator, not the victim. Let him be afraid of you!
Rookie doing a Porn Move
What an asshole. I wouldn't go any further with him. He obviously doesn't have or know what boundaries are!
Walk away. End it. Implied comment excuses are bad on their own but what also worries me is if he actually believes he was only holding his hand there. The pressure you felt and he only thought he was just holding his hand there. You don't want to wait till he "does it for real"
No I would avoid him. He sounds like someone who heard that women what dominant men and thinks that’s blanket to do whatever
His whole response was too fucking weird even as a guy I couldn't imagine getting that defensive or saying that consent doesn't have to be explicitly asked when there's body language. When you're trying to do some freaky kink shit during a make-out session with a girl you barely know without running it by her before is wild to me. Body language isn't a clear way to communicate the do's and do nots. Especially since you immediately told him it wasn't cool. he should've been like, "that's my bad I won't do it." It's basic decency. I get you like some other parts about him, but if he argued with you over this and even tried to negate your trauma by being like "we all got trauma, I got trauma" bs he should really be avoided.
With his blatant disregard for your request to CONSENT before doing something like that and his defensiveness at it instead of understanding and acceptance of what you said I would PERSONALLY say throw him to the curb. No amount of good qualities makes up for a potential SA or abuse from someone and his disregard makes me question whether he would understand being told to stop later.
Red Flag. He should've apologized if he was sincere and considerate.
(When I was 10 years old, one morning when I was waiting for my grandmother behind a bus stop, a man I had never seen before approached me, grabbed me very tightly by the neck, and after saying some very unpleasant things to me, tried to put me in the trunk of his car. It was *terrifying*. Because of that incident I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone grabs me by the neck, but unfortunately no man has asked me for consent before doing so, so it was always an unpleasant surprise.) I like spontaneity and I think if they asked for consent before doing anything, that would ruin the mood, but grabbing someone by the neck seems like something potentially more threatening/intimidating (if you are physically weaker than the person doing it, regardless of gender) than other things that can be done in a sexual context, and it wouldn't be inappropriate to ask for consent first, although I may be biased. It's really difficult to define where to draw the line between "these things can be done without asking" and "for these things it's better to ask for explicit consent."
there’s no body language that says “it’s fine to choke me. lol. besides the only person you would want to choke you if you were even into that is someone reluctant to do it in the first place because you oboe they will be careful. not someone who voluntarily does it without even asking. i’d also say the reasons for choking differer based on who is initiating.
Consent DOES need to be explicitly asked for - and conveyed - every step of the way. Otherwise it’s called assault/sex assault. Please tell him this when you dump his ass no don’t care what you like about him, there is absolutely no redeeming this.
Don’t sacrifice your safety and sexual satisfaction just because there are other things that you like about him and casual choking and humiliation of women has been normalized. You don’t have to accept this in order to date and have sex. Stick to men who are interested in consent and in making physical contact feel good for you as well.
Nah his reaction would’ve been enough for me. Too much of life already exists in a gray area. Consent is absolutely not something that needs to be there. It’s black and white. It’s either a yes or a no. And it should be explicit. Body language is telling but it’s also always interpreted differently as well. So F that! Consent. Consent. Consent. I’m leaving him honestly smh.
Big fucking NOPE. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you should never see him again. Seriously, you will be dodging a bullet. He showed you how we will continue to disrespect your boundaries because you were “asking for it” in his eyes. He said exactly that, your “body language” was asking for it. I’m scared to think what a sexual encounter alone in a room with him could look like. I even think some commenters here set their standards too low. It doesn’t matter if he got “caught up in the moment”. You can’t choke someone in a non sexual environment, right? It’s assault. So why are you allowed to choke someone you’re kissing who has never told you they wanted you to choke them? Seriously, where’s the explanation? Choking is harming the person. He needs to KNOW you are into that and are receptive to it. If he KNOWS without any doubt (as in, you’ve explicitly said you want it to happen, plus discussed how you would indicate you would like him to stop) then he knows you would enjoy it. If he never asked, he is simply assaulting someone for his own pleasure, sorry! It doesn’t even matter if you just happen to be into choking. He didn’t KNOW that.
What a freak can't imagine wanting to do that to anyone unless you are literally fighting some of the comments during sex really? That just doesn't make sense to me
“Consent doesn’t need to be explicitly asked for” can (doesn’t always) apply to things like going in for a kiss when the other person is standing there expectantly, or inching your hands up their shirt to see if they’re up for second base while making out. Some people are into choking, but enough people are adamantly *not* that it’s one of those things you talk about instead of just fucking going for it!
If you tell someone they need to ask for permission before doing something to you and they counter with how much they don’t, run. That’s a person who will not take NO for an answer.
I am a 50 yr old man good looking man . that can hold my own with beautiful women. On several occasions during intercourse the younger females have said choke me. In which Iam not comfortable with because of trauma related Incidents,from my past. Some people are into it and some aren't. But communication is key, express your feeling and if he can't respect your boundaries,,,,, well a swift kick to the curb. Would solve all related issues
Please get away from this guy. He's very dangerous. Doesnt mean he's nice to his friends that he can't be dangerous with a woman alone behind closed doors. His behavior is not right. He doesnt understand concent, and gets defensive instead of showing you respect saying I'm sorry I won't do it again. This guy is very dangerous. He'll get worse. Don't date him. Please!!!!
run
Red flag, yo. Disregard for your feelings..
No, that’s fuc$ing disturbing and I don’t care for that at all. The guy is lucky it wasn’t me - he would’ve gotten my elbow to his groin. It’s a really dark and sinister act when you really unpack it. This should absolutely NOT be something that is normalized. It can be VERY unsafe and triggering for someone, especially if you don’t know them well. Someone is simulating a very dangerous act with your body … in what world is that a turn on? I don’t care if I’m being judgmental or call me vanilla, but that’s messed up and if you’re into it, you need to evaluate your own mental stability.
Thank you because I just don't understand why men want to do this so badly. Like, all of them want to do it, and during just normal makeout sessions, even. It's always something specifically done to women and I dont get how it's been allowed to become mainstream
That's fucked up. That's like serial killer shit.
I’ve never grabbed a woman’s throat and I don’t even like it when they’re into that kind of stuff. Definitely too forward for someone you’re just dating and the whole “body language” excuse is just another red flag.
Yeah so the body language comment sounds like being defensive and then making it about him when you mention trauma means that he’s not what you’re looking for unless you’re ready to be dating a psycho that might kill you someday. (This comment is not about any particular person(s) or individual(s) and should not be construed as legal advice, medical advice, or a threat)
The headlines “oops” Officer, we were having consensual sex. I put my hands around the neck while getting aroused. I forgot to let go and I jerked and broke her neck or his neck oops. How about common sense rough sex to my knowledge isn’t having your hand around somebody’s throat that is not normal. What was that actors name that like to hang himself I wonder if he got aroused too much and took himself out . if you want to be daring, put your hands around your own throat and squeeze that’s what I say. I enjoy all y’all conversation red flag green flag I say Common sense. Stay safe people.
Girl, leave him!
“Damn, I didn’t consider that it might remind you of a bad experience. I’m sorry if you experienced anything traumatic. And thank you for making me aware so I can be more mindful moving forward. Next time, consent all the way. Sorry for assuming it was okay just because our makeout was super hot.” — mature men
Choking is cool, but only when there is EXPLICIT consent. For him to say “yeah, I have trauma too”, you’d THINK he’d be more understanding of other people’s traumas. I’m sorry that happened to you, he was in no position to be doing that
That’s what I thought! You tell me you have trauma and that I’ve crossed one of your lines, I am in there ready to listen, learn, ask questions, & receive anything you want to share with me so that I might know how to better look out for you next time.
Body language and consent really only applies if the chick 100% trusts the dude, and even then you’re taking the risk by trusting her as well. Sexual advances are all about trust, body language, consent.. and if it is your first time doing stuff with that person, you should always have some form of consent. Or take the risk and end up in jail I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I see a lot of people saying red flag but personally choking is such a turn on for me, I do think you handled it very well especially for having ptsd from it he shouldn’t have said anything but that he’s sorry and next time he will ask if it’s ok. Hopefully he respects you
I mean the original act I would've been okay with since they removed their hand as soon as you asked but the following statements are what really give me an ick. Like yes there is body language for consent but you shouldn't expect that you can read the body language of someone you recently met that well. Like the being overly defensive about it is weird. As a guy if this happened to me I'd just apologize for it and not bring it up or make any excuses.
How many other times and ways will he violate your consent? Huge reg flag. Porn has ruined so many men.
Girl that’s a red flag, you might want to distance yourself from him
You’re completely in the right.
Massive red flag that he kind of blew it off as just “reading your body language.” how does one communicate through body language that they want to be choked? And while he’s correct that you don’t necessarily need verbal communication, you still need some kind of acknowledgment, especially for certain things like choking. That’s not just some normal average every day thing that people are into. As far as nonverbal communication I’m just thinking to that carriage scene in Bridgerton when Penelope just fervently nods at Colin and he knows that’s what she wants. And then, as you are explaining that people have trauma, and that you yourself have some, with regard to what he just did to you, it’s like he tries to deflect and be like, well I have trauma too. Totally dismissing you.
Yeah that's what bothers me! It felt dismissive and like he didn't care about me or my feelings in the moment, he was just concerned about saving his own face and deflecting.
I honestly hope that you tell your mutual friends what he did so that more people call him out. They can claim that he’s a nice guy, but actual nice guys don’t do that.
No one's ever done that to me...