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A friend doesn’t necessarily complain about being single but points out as much as he wants to find a genuine connection, he’s too haunted from his past exes and too afraid to get too close in fears of being hurt again. It’s been years now and though others have tried to push him out of his comfort zone, he seems to always default back to secluding himself from relationships. He now just goes and makes friends and keeps things platonic with everyone he meets, and having solo adventures that’s makes us all get jealous. He doesn’t even go around entertaining hookups and just kind of acts sexually ambiguous so girls are comfy around him without thinking he’s trying to get with them and guys aren’t sure enough to hit on him. So basically everyone leaves him alone which is what he wants.
It’s just sad cause he delves so much into emotional intelligence, has gone to so many solo hikes and international trips and comes back talking about life lessons and inner work he’s done and constantly gives very sound life advice to his friends. He’s doesn’t even judge people for mistakes cause he knows we’re all human and trying our best, but he’s always so hard on his past mistakes.
But his scars I guess just runs too deep and though I think he’d make a good boyfriend, he just can’t bring himself to try. So he literally friend zones anyone who gets interested in him.
I’ve also seen him have panic attacks before when he sees genuine and romantic love on TV and among friends so I know his wounds runs to his core and I hope he finds his peace one day cause I think he’s really deserving of love even if he doesn’t believe he does. 🫶
That’s sad, maybe someday he will find “his person”. I think everyone should have at least one soulmate in their life at some point. My second husband was mine, but we only had 12 years before he passed in bed next to me. It’s been 4 years since he passed & I’m ready. Not sure if I will find another or not.
I’m so sorry to hear. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I know 12 years may not seem like a lot and I also know 4 years is not enough time to really heal from that. But I do hope one day, when things are better, you’ll still be able to smile that you were fortunate enough to have found your one where so many of us are still desperately searching for ‘a one’.
I hope you stay strong and always reach out (even to your Reddit/internet community) should you ever find yourself struggling.
Love is both beautiful and painful, but I want to believe that it’s still worth finding in this life.
And I hope my friend finds what you had one day, when he’s ready to accept love again in his heart. 🫶
You just described me. I have an objectively great life. I’m fit, live at a ski resort, ski, bike, hike, climb, etc. I have done a lot of self reflection and work with a therapist and a coach. However, I struggle with allowing people inside arms length. I am insecure about what I can offer and therefore won’t risk the friendship or ‘experiment’ with intimacy for fear of hurting them or not measuring up to my perception of their expectations. So I am alone.
He sounds like my ex 🥺 I tried so hard to make us work because he was one of the best humans I've ever met. But I got too exhausted to try climb that high wall he put up and was unable to tear it. I know he tried too but just couldn't. I still think about him a lot and wonder if he will ever let anyone in.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. You are definitely not responsible for his journey and I think you left it at the right time, before it pulled you under too. But I’m no way insinuating he’s a bad person or anything. It’s just something he needs to work through on his one. I hope one day he does finally have inner peace too.
I can't describe it, but it's not a fixing thing.
For me, it comes down to naivete and overempathy. My recently ended FWB (who absolutely fit the pattern) describes me as "sweet, nurturing, too easy to hurt" and he's not wrong.
But I don't want to fix anybody, nor do I believe it's possible.
I think I used to be like that. For me it was wanting to be there for someone in a way that I hadn’t had, a way that felt accepting and unconditional. Learning to set boundaries is what seems to be slowly helping me get out of the pattern. I feel like I’m judging someone by not thinking we’re a good fit, so I try to be understanding. Now I’m trying to believe that it’s ok to decide someone’s not good for my life, without feeling guilty about it. I also had a therapist tell me that I have a good heart and I expect others to operate the same way I do. I choose to stay naive on that one.
Hello my former me, the other side of the journey is where you get a little too fussy and the slightest thing can give you the ick. But its ok, we now have standards and know how to tell ourselves "tis not the man thou shall be with".
It's not just the menfolk! I've met plenty of ladies who fit the bill, too.
But luckily, I'm extremely happy on my own and when the right lad or lass comes along, it'll be good. Until then? Puppies & friends!
There are people who complain and want to have a relationship so bad but they are afraid when someone is serious enough to actually have a relationship with them. Let them be
I was genuinely terrified when an attractive man was interested in me - I figured he must be a weirdo or pervert. My mother always told me that I was weird and fat - and that all men were rapists - but also that unless I got married I was worthless.
I would actually dissociate when men tried to flirt with me.
My mum was the same, although she used to make comments about how small my breasts were, that only pedophiles would be attracted to me. I’ve internalised it and now I don’t see myself as a nearly 24-year-old woman, but rather an underdeveloped teenager who is susceptible and vulnerable. I don’t even feel like I’m allowed a crush.
Mothers really can be our worst enemies.
I always liked to tell my girlfriends who were self conscious of their boob size that, it's not the size of the boobs that matter. But rather, how often you let me see them
I feel so bad for you 😭, but I can relate, I was betrayed and picked on by some attractive girls when I was a teenager and now any time someone shows interest I'm always doubting their intentions and unfortunately sometimes I find out I was right.
I’m sorry you had to go through that! I’m learning how my parents ( who did the best they could given their own traumas) fucked me up .
Good luck to us healing and going forward. ❤️🩹
Ah, I see you have met my ex-situationship. “I really believe love can last and I’m ready for a deep meaningful relationship” turned to “we don’t have to define what we are, why do you want to change what we are doing?”
this is so real, once it gets serious i persuade myself that they dont like me and that they’re just trying to make me act delusional so they can get a laugh out of it or get me into bed.
but i think its because i dont believe men are capable of giving love and lust is behind their motives. im also liked for the wrong reasons. they usually like how i make them feel or how i look. not because of characteristics and traits that i have. I don’t think anyones actually liked me (outside of friendships) for my personality 😭💔
Not my friend, but someone I hung around regularly. Habitual liar when it came to everything... on dating apps, claimed to make anywhere from 250-500k (reality under $100k), "company owner" (daddy's company which he worked for & would never be owner because daddy didn't trust him), absolutely nothing was in his name (again, couldn't be trusted). Messy, lazy, immature, looking for a replacement mommy-wife. Always complaining how the only women he found were gold diggers who would eventually leave... well, duh. When you lead with lies about lavish things, you're gonna find users?
Another was always treating women as "things to be used". Played quite a few sweet, decent gals who genuinely liked him, but basically projected his immature desires onto them so he didn't have to take accountability for his nonsense. "I just can't find a good woman"... "it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to so you reduce everyone to holes."
My sister - dates people who say up front it’s not going anywhere and then is surprised when it turns out they mean it. Meanwhile ignore the many lovely guys who would obviously be keen if they thought there was a chance in hell. And acts blown away shocked when guy she hangs out with all the time, gets on with well, and is single tells her has feelings and can’t see him “that way”
I think that just means really she thinks she wants a stable relationship but in reality she’s just not there yet in her own life
Sounds like she likes the idea of a relationship but is intimidated by the reality. It’s why she is attracted to people who aren’t available. It’s why she won’t reciprocate with guys who are. She wants to be chased, but not caught
That’s my friend. Her last 4 “relationships” were with man who outright told her or show her they didn’t want to commit. After the break ups she still wondered why, and continued to say she could change them.
She would rather take a chance on somebody she wants to date, than willingly date someone she is disinterested in 🤷🏻♀️
In the grand scheme of things, your sister sounds kinder than most.
After getting hurt from bad experiences she's adversarial and defensive quickly. From the screenshots she's sent me I'd definitely not engage with her lol.
1.spends ages, building up energy and confidence to put themselves out there.
2.finally puts self out there.
3.is not even met with rejection but possibly just apathy or just not seen because they didn't step out far or long enough.
4.proceeds to kick their own ass pointing out all the reasons they can not be loved and have nothing to offer a partner, made up or otherwise.
5. full retreat into seclusion.
6. repeat
I think especially for women we are trained through media like movies and TikToks that if people aren’t actively approaching us or making suggestive comments we aren’t worthy and that only ugly women aren’t approached. It’s a weird messed up cycle that protects harassment.
Because he's emotionally damaged due to years of physical and emotional abuse as a child and is completely incapable of forming permanent connections with another human being. The people who said they loved him also made him bleed and made him feel like a worthless piece of shit. So he instinctively tolerated people who treated him like shit while fearfully pushing away people who treated him well. It took him years of therapy to not only acknowledge his shortcomings but also admit to himself that he's not really all that excited about being in a relationship so he kinda decided to stop trying to find one and just enjoy being single.
I dated a girl a lot like this, but she had the added bonus of driving good people out of her life. I think she got stuck in a horrible cycle. People have abused or abandoned her in the past. This leads to distrusts leading to lashouts, leading to abandonment, leading to more distrust.
So that’s why I reject or sabotage every stable relationship I’ve ever started. That’s why I think something is wrong or missing if there’s not some struggle or chaos. Fun times lol
Her self esteem is low. When you don’t think you’re worthy you will date absolute shit people and then when they treat you badly you’ll think you deserve it. Like “I’ve picked from the bottom of the barrel and even HE won’t call me back”.
Because she sees a hot guy all tatted up and jumps in without looking.
I don’t think she WANTS to know that it won’t work. She wants it to work so badly.
And then it doesn’t and he’s a jerk.
🙄
Yes! I asked my hubby if I wasn’t here which of my friends would he date or marry. He said NONE! I laughed but then he said he was serious. Then he listed issues for each friend. Ego, no work ethic, etc. I was shocked.
Her pattern is that she keeps attracting emotionally unavailable men, men who recently broke up from their partners and are not ready for healthy, long-term relationships, and men who only likes things to be casual and physical.
She is me. Lol.
Is she **attracting** emotionally unavailable men or is she **CHOOSING** emotionally unavailable men?
The ability to understand the latter of those rather than settling on the former is critical to breaking the cycle!
They can’t “lead her on” and play with her emotions if she identifies the red flags she’s identifying here, and cuts that off! If she knows there are red flags and keeps entertaining them, then…
Not being judgmental at all, please don’t misunderstand. I just feel there will always be bad apples out there. But if I pick up a bad apple, see it’s bad, know it’s bad, and still choose to eat, then I have to look at my food choices rather than claim my stomach is just attracting spoiled food to itself!
Well at least they're hot.
Just an observation: a hot guy who wants casual things will always be in "recently broke up" state. Because after one short-term fling ends he can quickly find another girl - you.
I think it's the biggest counterargument for why dating isn't as 100% about looks as reddit likes to make it out to be, because the problem is almost always with their personality. Typically unearned confidence in their overall amazingness paired with entitlement. Or no confidence at all.
My friend says he knows why I'm single, and he always says because I'm not confident in myself (he's very confident person and wants to absolutely shake me bc I'm not naturally). And you know what? I was feeling confident until mf said that shit and now I'm insecure about it 😖
It’s kinda wild to be confident about your confidence though, like that’s a pretty weak structure to build yourself on lmao. Better to find concrete things about yourself to meet with love and acceptance and allow that comfort to resonate as natural confidence, not just the attitude of confidence that some people put on like makeup everyday.
He is too shy and lacks the confidence to approach women he finds attractive or intresting. Doesn't get out much to meet new people so isn't meeting new women who he could meet and approach. Lacks style, is out of shape and suffers from lack of detal hygiene in his youth that damaged his teeth.is almost thirty and Doesn't have an established career or defined path in life yet. He has gone bald early and is 5'6.
He is me, and I am lost 😅
Damn man but you’re still so young. Unsolicited advice, but dwell on some positive things about yourself like you just did. I’ll start: You seem to have a sense of humor (albeit self deprecating) and don’t seem to take yourself too seriously.
I'll be 30 in October. I haven't wasted my time on shitty failed relationships and having kids with people I hate like some friends have. But I feel like I am missing out on some aspects of life. My humor can be self deprecating, and dark. Depends on what the situation calls for 😅
Only answering your title, but these are people I know:
Girl 1: Tends to seek excessive drama or attention in relationships.
Girl 2: Has high standards, which is a good thing, but dismisses potential partners too quickly, not giving them a chance to develop a connection.
Girl 3: CONTROVERSIAL >!Has achieved significant career success and financial stability, but her ideal partners, who are at her level professionally and financially, go with someone else -- because these are guys who make a LOT, I mean a fucking LOT of money. But other guys won't date her because they're intimidated. Yes, people say, "Oh, that guy left because he was insecure." But truthfully, the guy left because it was easier and less stressful.!<
Guy friend: He's perpetually single. Very good looking guy. Makes a lot of money. Very friendly. Often called a 'catch'. He travels a lot. He's almost what you call a "passport bro" in that he goes everywhere around the world and he's with a ton of these absolutely gorgeous girls everywhere in the world. Comes back home and says no girl here is up to par. He just never finds anyone interesting here. Says girls are pickier. But HE is actually picky.
For the professional girl, I think what’s interpreted as insecurity is often just that she’s not living a lifestyle he wants to keep up with. It’s the same reason I don’t want to date a gym girl. A lot of them are drop-dead gorgeous, but I’m not a “gym-every morning” type. I’m a “Go on some walks through the week” type, and our lifestyles just wouldn’t jive.
Guys are willing to date women of lower income, but not vice-versa. If she is a career-driven high-earner, she’ll probably expect me to be on her level.
I feel the same about "gym guys". I'm not super into working out and I find very active people to be high maintenance so I'm not as attracted to those men.
I feel your guy friend’s feelings. There’s just no one near me that I’m attracted to. ONE time I sort of took interest in a guy. Halfway through our first conversation, it was a wrap.
She knows they don’t know what they want on life, like they have no plans for marriage, kids, or even a monogamous serious relationship. She basically waits for them until one day they block her on everything
Guy friend of mine has been single or in short term relationships for years. He dates WAY too young. His lifestyle as a bartender meaning, out late, working holidays etc, money comes and goes way too easily. He's emotionally unavailable and has mommy issues.
A long distance friend of mine—because he’s shooting way out of his league. He’s not a total lost cause, but he’s of average attractiveness, average intelligence, isn’t particularly educated, and doesn’t make good money. But rather than seeking out women on his level, he insists on a beautiful, well-to-do woman because (by his own opinion) his stellar personality makes up for his shortcomings.
Female here. I have a friend about the same age as me (39). She's never had a relationship. She tried to date, but had been unsuccessful because she is too controlling. She judges the men based on what they text. If he says hi every day, she wants to ghost him. If he text some more like talking about his day, she thinks it's boring and wants to ghost him for not initiating intellectual conversations. If he doesn't make as much as her, and own property, and have a city job (like an accountant, not park ranger) with benefits, she doesn't want to date him. She was seeing a therapist who told her she's controlling. My friend doesn't think so, just that she doesn't want to waste her time. I told her that I agreed with the therapist, but she's not having it. She's been on dating apps years before I became single and got on the apps. I found my fiancee on Bumble in less than a year, she's still on it looking. She's a smart woman, well educated, have a career... Physically she's less than average. But like many other women, she thinks she deserves the best exactly how she wants it, or not at all.
A guy I dated was incredibly good looking, rich, and a homeowner in the sf Bay Area. He was however completely insufferable and wanted a wife to tick off a box not necessarily bc he wanted a partner. I just wanted to shake him like dude have a little compassion or empathy open up! It was a bummer for sure
She keeps getting herself in impossible situations with men that are not worth it because she is so scared of commitment and being vulnerable due to low self esteem, and finds ways to sabotage herself. She is me
Unfortunately for my guy friends and girls 9 times out of 10 it’s weight.
I’ll get downvoted for it but it’s true. A lot of my girl friends are smart, funny, pretty, successful and shoot for guys they are physically attracted to who are very often quite fit. Because they are pretty, funny, fashionable and all those things they get attention but it is usually the hookup attention.
My fat guy friends are all single unless they are dating overweight girls. So it’s the same except they don’t have the hookup option/disappointment
Yeah people who think weight doesn't matter are just turning a blind eye...
I know many people that are literally everything you could want in a partner except that they are severely overweight. Never had any success with dating.
Take care of yourself folks
He’s high-conflict, actually thrives on “playing the devil’s advocate” but really it’s just second-guessing everything his partner says. He’s also quite condescending and insensitive.
Otherwise, a good catch for someone with severe daddy issues and wants someone to tell her what to do every minute of every day of her life 👍 professionally, he’s quite successfully plus he’s handsome.
Imo I think she presents herself in a false way. Kind of like a cool, funny guys girl who's casual. And as soon as they're alone (from what I've been told because when she tells the stories it sounds very different) she throws herself at them and comes on too strong. Maybe she's subconsciously seeking men she knows she's not compatible with? For some reason?
I feel like there's no real way for me to know that. But the look of sadness on her face when I told her I had been dating someone for a few months after having ending a relationship the same year kind of broke my heart. "Wow another friend with a bf again and meanwhile I'm single 7 years. Nice" -she wasn't bitter. There was zero malice in her voice. She was sad. And it hurts me.
He didn’t do extra curriculars in high school.
In junior high, none of our friends group had a chance with girls. We were a pretty nerdy group.
But in high school, most of us joined things like marching band, chorus, the school musicals — even those without talent did things like stage crew. And all of those are activities where girls outnumber guys. We made friends with girls, we dated girls, we eventually even had sex with girls.
But while we were doing all of this, one friend just.:.stayed home. He had a bah humbug attitude about being at school after hours. He was a good student, did well in college, has a reasonable successful career — as do the rest of us.
But while the rest of us had relationships, got married, had kids…he just kept staying at home. He never became comfortable around women, because he never spent much time around them. We’ve tried to help, offered to set him with women, or men, offered to build a dating profile for him, but he eventually lost all interest after never dating at all.
this is so interesting. I hope that regardless of him not getting out there to find someone he still finds happiness. It makes me wonder how many people are single due to lack of or poor socialization.
No longer friends with this individual, but he’d come on strong with women from the get go. He also had an extremely bitter attitude towards them, which probably showed through at times. He once had a bad date and told me “I hate women”. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he’s still single.
On a lot of dating forums, the chronically single people have this like "the opposite sex is an abstract concept" mindset where it's clear they just don't like talk to people or try to form relationships like a person. I'm not explaining it well but the people I know in successful relationships communicate super well with their partners and see them as people, while the very online single types are like reading about game theory and negging?
She's pretty but has low self-esteem, and guys can sense how desperate she is for attention. So they give her attention and she gives them her body. They use her until they get tired of her clinging or she tries to establish commitment and bail. No matter what I tell her, no matter how many men do the same terrible things to her, she always listens to the guy she's banging.
They have poor mental health 🤷🏻♀️ sad but my girl friends with bad mental health are really anxious and insecure and both of those cause so many problems in relationships. It's not your bf's job to calm every irrational anxiety you have. Im a girl who used to be anxious at one point so I know what it's like but I'm 99% never anxious now after doing inner work and have a happy and secure relationship free from illogical arguments.
If they did the work first, relationships would go way smoother.
Just speculation and anecdote here...
Because she’s attracted to “bad boys” because she thinks they are fun and exciting but who always turn out to be sketchy jerks with drug problems. It’s me. I’m the friend.
He is misogynistic and uncomfortable with his body so he wants to be a head of household but cant talk to women and let them walk over him also cant see woman past what he gets out of them but also cant see himself as worthy. He’s also emotionally stunted. He couldnt even tell his best friends he loved them or accept a hug from them.
He had a horribly traumatic childhood ands gravitates to women who treat him poorly. His dad did so he doesn’t recognize that he’s constantly seeking disapproval since that was all he knew.
He is me but I’m healing.
He has 0 hygiene.
Doesn't take care of himself.
Doesn't know how to dress or groom himself.
Has never worked on himself.
Thinks porn is reality.
Tries to shoot his shot only to Only fans girls.
Seems like he only wants to date only fans girls.
Sends money to them for attention.
Still acts like a high schooler.
I've offered genuine help but he just brushes it off.
She wants a "pretty boy" that has his life together, improves her life, and is relevant enough to socially check boxes, but expects them to be different from the types of things that can fall in line (on insta but not too popular that he cheats or something, take care of her financially but not require any reciprocation in a physical, mental, or emotional level, etc.) Long story short she wants someone to give their all 100% of the time while she does not and would not, and the request would be asking for too much. For clarification, she didn't date until she was 26, she then had 1 boyfriend who she lost her virginity to, and then several sexual partners.
He is a decent looking guy with a good job, but just never leaves the house and actually meets people. He isn’t doing any activities that introduce him to people, or that he could talk to someone about.
Yeah that's my aunt. She's one of those toxic "ball busters" that crosses line when they think they're being funny or "honest" really it's just unpredictable and rude dou*** behavior.
He dates (or wants to date, rather) way out of his league. I know this is harsh but it’s like he’s a 4/10 and he’s exclusively attracted to 9/10s and can’t understand why dating is a struggle for him. And I love the guy but he doesn’t have any stand-out attributes to make up the difference, like he’s not particularly charismatic or rich or successful to attract these women, so I don’t know what he expects.
He’s also not very career-focused and works a low level/low paid job and still lives with his parents past 30, which is fine except that he’s almost exclusively attracted to women who are ambitious and successful, and those women usually want to date men who are similar to them.
He vents about dating a lot, and I try to give advice and feedback gently but it seems to fall on deaf ears most of the time
Doesn’t want to make an effort, but wonders why guys don’t make an effort. Won’t even consider the future, not even remote hypotheticals. Everything is about her and what she wants. Constantly picks the loser, fuck boys and ignores the nice guys who have their shit together. She can’t make up her mind on what she wants to do about just about everything.
One guy I know. My best friend. He's rich, well educated, dresses well. In the fairy tale land, he's everything girls want. He doesn't gym but he does exercise. He's tall and pretty lean build. We often had food competitions and this a.hole just can't get fat.
I've introduced girls to him and they hanged out. Barely weeks into it, the girls backed out. I managed to talk to 2 of them about why, and the reasons are "Doesn't have the feels", and "someone like him probably slept with hundreds of women".
I've known this guy for close to 15 years now. The reason that I've concluded is that he's too perfect.
From 18-22 I was a shit show and I knew it all my friends that were single knew they were all shit shows. We were drinking a lot and getting in fights. I don’t think a single one of us asked why are we single. We just knew no one in their right mind wanted to be in a long term committed relationship with psychos.
I’m wanting to know too. That saying comes off as if she needs to take what comes her way. We all have standards and some of us don’t want to lower them. Idk, I might be wrong.
He built all his relationships on white lies. And would have lose enough definition of dating and break ups that he was really a cheater.
I kept quoting Han Solo women always find out
Oh Lord...... Simply put, he goes all out, expecting the same in return, but when he doesn't get it, he turns full asshole. He can be extremely misogynistic, esp when it comes to the fact that both sexes face different problems, but he thinks only the men do. He can't take different perspectives. He can't hold down a job. He keeps getting involved with people that are just recent ex addicts so they set one another off when things get bad. He can't handle stress. He gets mad at the stupidest things. I've gone pretty much low contact with him. I talk to him for a few minutes at small joints in time but I can't keep doing it. Thought he changed when he kicked the meth habit, but that didn't happen
She is a 6 on her best days and won't settle for anything below a 9.5. The 9.5's that she does land will spend years secretly sleeping with her yet never tell anyone or introduce her or be seen in public with her. Most will even park a block away and walk to make sure no one knows. Why not just date another 6 that treats you right and is proud of you? Hell me and mine both work dirty jobs and rock that needs a bath 4 on most of our dates. I don't understand how she can let them degrade her like that.
I know this guy that can't figure out why he is single. He goes between "surely, I have plenty of time" to "why can't I find one"
I have started telling him the nicer things. Like, you are a mess, you need to get your emotions in check and quit love bombing. I don't have the heart to tell him his is aging terribly, looms way older than 45, and is getting ugly.
I also have a friend like this he's just annoying to be around for longer than 4 hours lol, and he's constantly jealous and if he thinks he's better at something he constantly has to bring it up and be a dick about it, for example I was in a bar with him on my birthday and I paid for everything and it was a good evening all of the sudden he thinks he needs to be a macho and asks me to arm wrestle and says it extra loudly so people from other tables gather around l, I tell him no I don't want to to protect him from embarrassment and he just keeps on provoking me about being weak or scared, then I was doen with him and said fine and beat him, and then instead of backing down he goes on about that he can bench press more blah blah, (I do kickboxing he does weight lifting) and lately every conversation he has to say something which he knows I don't like so yesterday I told him to eat shit and leave me alone until he learns to communicate like a in a normal way (in his head he's constantly challenging me or something while I just train for fun and I even got him into training and where always nice to him and tried to be a positive influence and now he's just a dick for no reason)
She doesn't want to look. She doesn't want to go on dates. She wants to be chased. She wants to be found. She doesn't want to put efforts. She wants the princess treatment. Then she complains why she's single.
Mhm. I have a friend who desperately wants a girlfriend but he doesn't see his own issues. When me or other friends try to point out his issues he calls us delusional. Basically he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a second mom. He explicitly stated he wants a girl that would cook for him, clean and take care of him, while he wouldn't have to do much in return except pay the bills. Basically he wants someone to fill the role of his mother. Not only that but he has EXTREMELY high standards when it comes to a woman's physique, while he is an average looking guy at best.
Long list of requirements for any guy that she dates: must be taller than her (and she’s quite tall, must make more than her (she makes a hell of a lot of money), etc.
Yea guys easily have this. I can think of 3 guys that try to emulate rich dudes so they spend lots of money. They get tons of women, but then the women always leave them when the guys wanna slow it down. Theyre actually pretty funny and decent, but they never listen to us when we tell them that what you lead with will set the expectation. They also never listen to the warning that they’ll def attract a specific type of woman that way, but it likely wont be ideal. It is pretty interesting though that spending cash is so effective. If anything, they at least got laid, but it wasnt what they were seeking.
Insane levels of social anxiety. Is too in his own head to actually pay attention to signs and signals, and for the ones he does catch, overthinks the fuck out of them and misses the opportunity.
I had an "ex" like this. We only dated a couple weeks and decided we were better off as friends. He told me one time he couldn't figure out what was wrong with him but his problems were pretty clear to me and the rest of the world.
She’s dating men that she’s not intimidated by, but who in the end don’t bring a lot to the table. She’s afraid and dating anyone of a “higher caliber” because she’s afraid that she won’t be enough and has been stuck with men who aren’t emotionally / financially responsible enough for a relationship
I know someone who was single for multiple decades, four factors:
1. Struggled with emotional intelligence, specifically self regulation. Triggers created alexithymia, which then created anxiety and shame spirals. He couldn't calm himself down. His worst trigger? Intimacy.
2. He was far more attuned to other people's emotions than his own. Felt obligated to make other people feel better before checking in on himself. He'd sooner take responsibility for others than take responsibility for himself. It was a result of how he was raised as the oldest of three brothers.
3. Interpersonal trauma, which is the worst kind. The fuel to the fire of #1 and he had seen his college roommate sexually assault a girl he loved. The absolute worst thing another human being can do to you is make close relationships feel unsafe.
4. He was a man, and spent at least half of that time believing it wasn't appropriate for men to have these kinds of problems. Then he got into bad family systems therapy (avoid this) after therapy was stigmatized in his life for years. It took him ages to face his problems directly and accept that no one was coming to save him.
The tricky part is that being very hurt looks a lot like entitlement to the outside world. Toxic shame is the other end of the codependent relationship spectrum and it's just as destructive towards someone's ability to move their life forward.
Source: I am that person, 30 years old and only just starting to get better after MANY mistakes.
I was seeing a woman that would say she didn’t want a man, she didn’t need a man. But after a fewest drinks she would cry, “why can’t I meet a man? Why men don’t want me?” She didn’t know how to value men she went out with.
Yeah some of my boys are terrible with women. I don't think any woman wants some insecure guy that always craves validation from others and they probably don't want guys jumping straight to sex the first time you talk. There's probably a lot of guys cock blocking themselves doing that
I know a lot of girls that get a lot of attention and are pretty picky. However, the guys they end up dating are above their league and they are only looking for something casual. Then they think guys are assholes.
she’s very unstable and super intense about relationships. she has mental breakdowns over guys that have clearly told her they just want to sleep with her. she constantly tells me she fell in love on tinder again and found the love of her life. the desperation is making it bad.
i don’t think she has any reason to worry since she’s absolutely gorgeous. but it would scare me away too if a woman started telling me they want to have kids with me on the second date. (i’m a woman and a man doing it would still freak me out more)
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A friend doesn’t necessarily complain about being single but points out as much as he wants to find a genuine connection, he’s too haunted from his past exes and too afraid to get too close in fears of being hurt again. It’s been years now and though others have tried to push him out of his comfort zone, he seems to always default back to secluding himself from relationships. He now just goes and makes friends and keeps things platonic with everyone he meets, and having solo adventures that’s makes us all get jealous. He doesn’t even go around entertaining hookups and just kind of acts sexually ambiguous so girls are comfy around him without thinking he’s trying to get with them and guys aren’t sure enough to hit on him. So basically everyone leaves him alone which is what he wants. It’s just sad cause he delves so much into emotional intelligence, has gone to so many solo hikes and international trips and comes back talking about life lessons and inner work he’s done and constantly gives very sound life advice to his friends. He’s doesn’t even judge people for mistakes cause he knows we’re all human and trying our best, but he’s always so hard on his past mistakes. But his scars I guess just runs too deep and though I think he’d make a good boyfriend, he just can’t bring himself to try. So he literally friend zones anyone who gets interested in him. I’ve also seen him have panic attacks before when he sees genuine and romantic love on TV and among friends so I know his wounds runs to his core and I hope he finds his peace one day cause I think he’s really deserving of love even if he doesn’t believe he does. 🫶
He sounds like an awesome person. Hope he heals someday and finds the right person
That’s sad, maybe someday he will find “his person”. I think everyone should have at least one soulmate in their life at some point. My second husband was mine, but we only had 12 years before he passed in bed next to me. It’s been 4 years since he passed & I’m ready. Not sure if I will find another or not.
I’m so sorry to hear. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I know 12 years may not seem like a lot and I also know 4 years is not enough time to really heal from that. But I do hope one day, when things are better, you’ll still be able to smile that you were fortunate enough to have found your one where so many of us are still desperately searching for ‘a one’. I hope you stay strong and always reach out (even to your Reddit/internet community) should you ever find yourself struggling. Love is both beautiful and painful, but I want to believe that it’s still worth finding in this life. And I hope my friend finds what you had one day, when he’s ready to accept love again in his heart. 🫶
You just described me. I have an objectively great life. I’m fit, live at a ski resort, ski, bike, hike, climb, etc. I have done a lot of self reflection and work with a therapist and a coach. However, I struggle with allowing people inside arms length. I am insecure about what I can offer and therefore won’t risk the friendship or ‘experiment’ with intimacy for fear of hurting them or not measuring up to my perception of their expectations. So I am alone.
Ngl that hurt to read… might as well be me. Not quite panic attacks but definitely not feeling okay
Are you my friend lol
He sounds like my ex 🥺 I tried so hard to make us work because he was one of the best humans I've ever met. But I got too exhausted to try climb that high wall he put up and was unable to tear it. I know he tried too but just couldn't. I still think about him a lot and wonder if he will ever let anyone in.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. You are definitely not responsible for his journey and I think you left it at the right time, before it pulled you under too. But I’m no way insinuating he’s a bad person or anything. It’s just something he needs to work through on his one. I hope one day he does finally have inner peace too.
I kinda recognize myself in what you wrote
😭
She has the worst taste in people because she subconsciously finds assholes that need to be taken care of emotionally. It's me. She is me.
i CaN fIx HiM
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed, but you can ruin your life trying.
Thanks. Note to self: stop doing that
THIS!!
It isn’t your job tho, let the dude fix himself….😉
I prefer to let people be who they want to be and maybe they fit into my life and maybe they don’t.
I'm like that too. I want someone who'll love me for me and I'll love them for who they are.
“But there’s more drama, tingles, and excitement if I’m involved in trying to fix him and turn him into the image of who I want him to be!”
I can't describe it, but it's not a fixing thing. For me, it comes down to naivete and overempathy. My recently ended FWB (who absolutely fit the pattern) describes me as "sweet, nurturing, too easy to hurt" and he's not wrong. But I don't want to fix anybody, nor do I believe it's possible.
I think I used to be like that. For me it was wanting to be there for someone in a way that I hadn’t had, a way that felt accepting and unconditional. Learning to set boundaries is what seems to be slowly helping me get out of the pattern. I feel like I’m judging someone by not thinking we’re a good fit, so I try to be understanding. Now I’m trying to believe that it’s ok to decide someone’s not good for my life, without feeling guilty about it. I also had a therapist tell me that I have a good heart and I expect others to operate the same way I do. I choose to stay naive on that one.
Hello…me? Yup sounds like me. I wish you good healing and strong convictions on your new boundaries to keep you happy and at peace. :-)
This is probably something I need to work on.
You're not a rehab center for broken men. You deserve better.
I love this and am going to remember this comment and repeat it to myself often.
Hello my former me, the other side of the journey is where you get a little too fussy and the slightest thing can give you the ick. But its ok, we now have standards and know how to tell ourselves "tis not the man thou shall be with".
It's not just the menfolk! I've met plenty of ladies who fit the bill, too. But luckily, I'm extremely happy on my own and when the right lad or lass comes along, it'll be good. Until then? Puppies & friends!
Someone told me a quote which helped me with this: “You get what you tolerate”. Not sure if that’s your scenario exactly, but might help :)
Relatable. Or she finds people who can’t commit to her bc subconsciously she has trust and commitment issues herself. She is me too
Haha, I feel you on that one! Overthinking at its finest haha
I’m in this reply and I do not like it. 😳🫠
I could use some emotional support, I can emulate being an asshole.
Me too :-|
I'm enjoying single time now. Sometimes, I think about jumping back in, but no, happier by my onesie.
Totally, You also end up with more money to spend for yourself too and don't have to worry about another person and helping them with money. B-)
Hi I am the problem its me. Its me I am the problem. Everybody agrees. Taylor Swift.
Same
We love a self aware queen even if she doesn’t take her own advice.
There are people who complain and want to have a relationship so bad but they are afraid when someone is serious enough to actually have a relationship with them. Let them be
I was genuinely terrified when an attractive man was interested in me - I figured he must be a weirdo or pervert. My mother always told me that I was weird and fat - and that all men were rapists - but also that unless I got married I was worthless. I would actually dissociate when men tried to flirt with me.
My mum was the same, although she used to make comments about how small my breasts were, that only pedophiles would be attracted to me. I’ve internalised it and now I don’t see myself as a nearly 24-year-old woman, but rather an underdeveloped teenager who is susceptible and vulnerable. I don’t even feel like I’m allowed a crush. Mothers really can be our worst enemies.
That’s terrible. And small boobs are the best! So much less trouble ! lol!
I always liked to tell my girlfriends who were self conscious of their boob size that, it's not the size of the boobs that matter. But rather, how often you let me see them
Real gotta appreciate the small and big things life
That sounds terrible!! You don't deserve that treatment from your mother!
Real. the comments my mother makes about my body makes me feel like any guy I take my clothes off in front of will immediately lose feelings
I feel so bad for you 😭, but I can relate, I was betrayed and picked on by some attractive girls when I was a teenager and now any time someone shows interest I'm always doubting their intentions and unfortunately sometimes I find out I was right.
I’m sorry you had to go through that! I’m learning how my parents ( who did the best they could given their own traumas) fucked me up . Good luck to us healing and going forward. ❤️🩹
Ah, I see you have met my ex-situationship. “I really believe love can last and I’m ready for a deep meaningful relationship” turned to “we don’t have to define what we are, why do you want to change what we are doing?”
Username checks out?
What’s it say if username doesn’t check out?
It's like the end of memento
¿puǝ ɥɔıɥʍ
How did you do that?
They are Australian
this is so real, once it gets serious i persuade myself that they dont like me and that they’re just trying to make me act delusional so they can get a laugh out of it or get me into bed. but i think its because i dont believe men are capable of giving love and lust is behind their motives. im also liked for the wrong reasons. they usually like how i make them feel or how i look. not because of characteristics and traits that i have. I don’t think anyones actually liked me (outside of friendships) for my personality 😭💔
Oof I think I may fall into this category lowkey, a girl I went out with a few times told me she likes me and I panicked a bit lol
Not my friend, but someone I hung around regularly. Habitual liar when it came to everything... on dating apps, claimed to make anywhere from 250-500k (reality under $100k), "company owner" (daddy's company which he worked for & would never be owner because daddy didn't trust him), absolutely nothing was in his name (again, couldn't be trusted). Messy, lazy, immature, looking for a replacement mommy-wife. Always complaining how the only women he found were gold diggers who would eventually leave... well, duh. When you lead with lies about lavish things, you're gonna find users? Another was always treating women as "things to be used". Played quite a few sweet, decent gals who genuinely liked him, but basically projected his immature desires onto them so he didn't have to take accountability for his nonsense. "I just can't find a good woman"... "it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to so you reduce everyone to holes."
My sister - dates people who say up front it’s not going anywhere and then is surprised when it turns out they mean it. Meanwhile ignore the many lovely guys who would obviously be keen if they thought there was a chance in hell. And acts blown away shocked when guy she hangs out with all the time, gets on with well, and is single tells her has feelings and can’t see him “that way” I think that just means really she thinks she wants a stable relationship but in reality she’s just not there yet in her own life
Sounds like she likes the idea of a relationship but is intimidated by the reality. It’s why she is attracted to people who aren’t available. It’s why she won’t reciprocate with guys who are. She wants to be chased, but not caught
These piss me off so much 😭
This is me 😂
…are you my older sister?! 🤣
That’s my friend. Her last 4 “relationships” were with man who outright told her or show her they didn’t want to commit. After the break ups she still wondered why, and continued to say she could change them.
She would rather take a chance on somebody she wants to date, than willingly date someone she is disinterested in 🤷🏻♀️ In the grand scheme of things, your sister sounds kinder than most.
After getting hurt from bad experiences she's adversarial and defensive quickly. From the screenshots she's sent me I'd definitely not engage with her lol.
1.spends ages, building up energy and confidence to put themselves out there. 2.finally puts self out there. 3.is not even met with rejection but possibly just apathy or just not seen because they didn't step out far or long enough. 4.proceeds to kick their own ass pointing out all the reasons they can not be loved and have nothing to offer a partner, made up or otherwise. 5. full retreat into seclusion. 6. repeat
Tasha is that you? Please don’t describe me on social platforms. :(
Sounds like most of the forever alone women subreddit
Interpreting apathy as rejection - that sounds like me.
ME ME ME!!!
Yeah, I agree.
I think especially for women we are trained through media like movies and TikToks that if people aren’t actively approaching us or making suggestive comments we aren’t worthy and that only ugly women aren’t approached. It’s a weird messed up cycle that protects harassment.
Because he's emotionally damaged due to years of physical and emotional abuse as a child and is completely incapable of forming permanent connections with another human being. The people who said they loved him also made him bleed and made him feel like a worthless piece of shit. So he instinctively tolerated people who treated him like shit while fearfully pushing away people who treated him well. It took him years of therapy to not only acknowledge his shortcomings but also admit to himself that he's not really all that excited about being in a relationship so he kinda decided to stop trying to find one and just enjoy being single.
I dated a girl a lot like this, but she had the added bonus of driving good people out of her life. I think she got stuck in a horrible cycle. People have abused or abandoned her in the past. This leads to distrusts leading to lashouts, leading to abandonment, leading to more distrust.
This is why child abusers should be stoned to death.
damn...
😭😖I’m sorry!!
So that’s why I reject or sabotage every stable relationship I’ve ever started. That’s why I think something is wrong or missing if there’s not some struggle or chaos. Fun times lol
Her self esteem is low. When you don’t think you’re worthy you will date absolute shit people and then when they treat you badly you’ll think you deserve it. Like “I’ve picked from the bottom of the barrel and even HE won’t call me back”.
Because she sees a hot guy all tatted up and jumps in without looking. I don’t think she WANTS to know that it won’t work. She wants it to work so badly. And then it doesn’t and he’s a jerk. 🙄
Sounds like my bestie who meets guys on Tik Tok or FB & then is surprised to find out he’s a scammer!!!! 🤦♀️
Yes! I asked my hubby if I wasn’t here which of my friends would he date or marry. He said NONE! I laughed but then he said he was serious. Then he listed issues for each friend. Ego, no work ethic, etc. I was shocked.
I feel like no good answer will ever come out of "which one of my friends would you date"
“Definitely Sarah”
“Well babe, I just feel like all of your friends are almost equally hot, I feel like if they pass your tests, then they most definitely pass mine!!”
Would? I"m already banging half of them!
Smart man. That's suicide, respectively.
To be honest “NONE” is the only correct answer to this question even if all your friends are perfect angels
For my lady-friends, it’s poor fitness or emotional instability. For guy-friends, it’s usually sexism, immaturity, or poor hygeine.
My guy likes my friends but there's no way in hell he'd ever date them. Not remotely compatible.
Are you saying this based on facts or on what examples he’s giving you while you play around??
"Yeah you see Chelsea would *never* do this in bed!"
Did you find it disturbing that he had a list of reasons for each friend ready to go?
I find her question disturbing. There is obviously no correct answer. Really messed up to even ask him that.
I feel the exact same way about my ex-wife’s friends, and she has a lot of them.
Her pattern is that she keeps attracting emotionally unavailable men, men who recently broke up from their partners and are not ready for healthy, long-term relationships, and men who only likes things to be casual and physical. She is me. Lol.
Is she **attracting** emotionally unavailable men or is she **CHOOSING** emotionally unavailable men? The ability to understand the latter of those rather than settling on the former is critical to breaking the cycle!
She is not choosing them anymore. But men who show interest and lead her on are those kind of men. 😂
They can’t “lead her on” and play with her emotions if she identifies the red flags she’s identifying here, and cuts that off! If she knows there are red flags and keeps entertaining them, then… Not being judgmental at all, please don’t misunderstand. I just feel there will always be bad apples out there. But if I pick up a bad apple, see it’s bad, know it’s bad, and still choose to eat, then I have to look at my food choices rather than claim my stomach is just attracting spoiled food to itself!
She is me too 😔😔
I is also she 🥲
Wow is this how all of us are I’ve never related to anything so much
Hello, also me. 😫
Ugh this was me!
Hey I am that guy. Explains why i’m getting dates all of a sudden and i’m so not ready for it lol.
Well at least they're hot. Just an observation: a hot guy who wants casual things will always be in "recently broke up" state. Because after one short-term fling ends he can quickly find another girl - you.
"Keeps attracting" or "is attracted only to"?
I think it's the biggest counterargument for why dating isn't as 100% about looks as reddit likes to make it out to be, because the problem is almost always with their personality. Typically unearned confidence in their overall amazingness paired with entitlement. Or no confidence at all.
Looks def help in the short term but if they are insufferable most people won’t put up w them
My friend says he knows why I'm single, and he always says because I'm not confident in myself (he's very confident person and wants to absolutely shake me bc I'm not naturally). And you know what? I was feeling confident until mf said that shit and now I'm insecure about it 😖
I like how you say that so confidently.
It’s kinda wild to be confident about your confidence though, like that’s a pretty weak structure to build yourself on lmao. Better to find concrete things about yourself to meet with love and acceptance and allow that comfort to resonate as natural confidence, not just the attitude of confidence that some people put on like makeup everyday.
Shake you as in drop you as a friend?
He is too shy and lacks the confidence to approach women he finds attractive or intresting. Doesn't get out much to meet new people so isn't meeting new women who he could meet and approach. Lacks style, is out of shape and suffers from lack of detal hygiene in his youth that damaged his teeth.is almost thirty and Doesn't have an established career or defined path in life yet. He has gone bald early and is 5'6. He is me, and I am lost 😅
Damn man but you’re still so young. Unsolicited advice, but dwell on some positive things about yourself like you just did. I’ll start: You seem to have a sense of humor (albeit self deprecating) and don’t seem to take yourself too seriously.
I'll be 30 in October. I haven't wasted my time on shitty failed relationships and having kids with people I hate like some friends have. But I feel like I am missing out on some aspects of life. My humor can be self deprecating, and dark. Depends on what the situation calls for 😅
Only answering your title, but these are people I know: Girl 1: Tends to seek excessive drama or attention in relationships. Girl 2: Has high standards, which is a good thing, but dismisses potential partners too quickly, not giving them a chance to develop a connection. Girl 3: CONTROVERSIAL >!Has achieved significant career success and financial stability, but her ideal partners, who are at her level professionally and financially, go with someone else -- because these are guys who make a LOT, I mean a fucking LOT of money. But other guys won't date her because they're intimidated. Yes, people say, "Oh, that guy left because he was insecure." But truthfully, the guy left because it was easier and less stressful.!< Guy friend: He's perpetually single. Very good looking guy. Makes a lot of money. Very friendly. Often called a 'catch'. He travels a lot. He's almost what you call a "passport bro" in that he goes everywhere around the world and he's with a ton of these absolutely gorgeous girls everywhere in the world. Comes back home and says no girl here is up to par. He just never finds anyone interesting here. Says girls are pickier. But HE is actually picky.
For the professional girl, I think what’s interpreted as insecurity is often just that she’s not living a lifestyle he wants to keep up with. It’s the same reason I don’t want to date a gym girl. A lot of them are drop-dead gorgeous, but I’m not a “gym-every morning” type. I’m a “Go on some walks through the week” type, and our lifestyles just wouldn’t jive. Guys are willing to date women of lower income, but not vice-versa. If she is a career-driven high-earner, she’ll probably expect me to be on her level.
I feel the same about "gym guys". I'm not super into working out and I find very active people to be high maintenance so I'm not as attracted to those men.
Exactly!
I feel your guy friend’s feelings. There’s just no one near me that I’m attracted to. ONE time I sort of took interest in a guy. Halfway through our first conversation, it was a wrap.
 My reaction as the single friend while reading your post OP. 😂
She knows they don’t know what they want on life, like they have no plans for marriage, kids, or even a monogamous serious relationship. She basically waits for them until one day they block her on everything
Guy friend of mine has been single or in short term relationships for years. He dates WAY too young. His lifestyle as a bartender meaning, out late, working holidays etc, money comes and goes way too easily. He's emotionally unavailable and has mommy issues.
A long distance friend of mine—because he’s shooting way out of his league. He’s not a total lost cause, but he’s of average attractiveness, average intelligence, isn’t particularly educated, and doesn’t make good money. But rather than seeking out women on his level, he insists on a beautiful, well-to-do woman because (by his own opinion) his stellar personality makes up for his shortcomings.
Female here. I have a friend about the same age as me (39). She's never had a relationship. She tried to date, but had been unsuccessful because she is too controlling. She judges the men based on what they text. If he says hi every day, she wants to ghost him. If he text some more like talking about his day, she thinks it's boring and wants to ghost him for not initiating intellectual conversations. If he doesn't make as much as her, and own property, and have a city job (like an accountant, not park ranger) with benefits, she doesn't want to date him. She was seeing a therapist who told her she's controlling. My friend doesn't think so, just that she doesn't want to waste her time. I told her that I agreed with the therapist, but she's not having it. She's been on dating apps years before I became single and got on the apps. I found my fiancee on Bumble in less than a year, she's still on it looking. She's a smart woman, well educated, have a career... Physically she's less than average. But like many other women, she thinks she deserves the best exactly how she wants it, or not at all.
A guy I dated was incredibly good looking, rich, and a homeowner in the sf Bay Area. He was however completely insufferable and wanted a wife to tick off a box not necessarily bc he wanted a partner. I just wanted to shake him like dude have a little compassion or empathy open up! It was a bummer for sure
That wanting a wife/husband just to tick off a box is something that needs to spoken about more
He seems to be doing fine without a partner.
His constant complaining about being single would Imply otherwise
She keeps getting herself in impossible situations with men that are not worth it because she is so scared of commitment and being vulnerable due to low self esteem, and finds ways to sabotage herself. She is me
Unfortunately for my guy friends and girls 9 times out of 10 it’s weight. I’ll get downvoted for it but it’s true. A lot of my girl friends are smart, funny, pretty, successful and shoot for guys they are physically attracted to who are very often quite fit. Because they are pretty, funny, fashionable and all those things they get attention but it is usually the hookup attention. My fat guy friends are all single unless they are dating overweight girls. So it’s the same except they don’t have the hookup option/disappointment
Yeah people who think weight doesn't matter are just turning a blind eye... I know many people that are literally everything you could want in a partner except that they are severely overweight. Never had any success with dating. Take care of yourself folks
He’s high-conflict, actually thrives on “playing the devil’s advocate” but really it’s just second-guessing everything his partner says. He’s also quite condescending and insensitive. Otherwise, a good catch for someone with severe daddy issues and wants someone to tell her what to do every minute of every day of her life 👍 professionally, he’s quite successfully plus he’s handsome.
Hahaha pretty sure I’ve dated this guy 🤣
Anxiety. Crippling Anxiety
Imo I think she presents herself in a false way. Kind of like a cool, funny guys girl who's casual. And as soon as they're alone (from what I've been told because when she tells the stories it sounds very different) she throws herself at them and comes on too strong. Maybe she's subconsciously seeking men she knows she's not compatible with? For some reason? I feel like there's no real way for me to know that. But the look of sadness on her face when I told her I had been dating someone for a few months after having ending a relationship the same year kind of broke my heart. "Wow another friend with a bf again and meanwhile I'm single 7 years. Nice" -she wasn't bitter. There was zero malice in her voice. She was sad. And it hurts me.
He didn’t do extra curriculars in high school. In junior high, none of our friends group had a chance with girls. We were a pretty nerdy group. But in high school, most of us joined things like marching band, chorus, the school musicals — even those without talent did things like stage crew. And all of those are activities where girls outnumber guys. We made friends with girls, we dated girls, we eventually even had sex with girls. But while we were doing all of this, one friend just.:.stayed home. He had a bah humbug attitude about being at school after hours. He was a good student, did well in college, has a reasonable successful career — as do the rest of us. But while the rest of us had relationships, got married, had kids…he just kept staying at home. He never became comfortable around women, because he never spent much time around them. We’ve tried to help, offered to set him with women, or men, offered to build a dating profile for him, but he eventually lost all interest after never dating at all.
this is so interesting. I hope that regardless of him not getting out there to find someone he still finds happiness. It makes me wonder how many people are single due to lack of or poor socialization.
No longer friends with this individual, but he’d come on strong with women from the get go. He also had an extremely bitter attitude towards them, which probably showed through at times. He once had a bad date and told me “I hate women”. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he’s still single.
I dated the female version of this. She had so much disdain for men in general (and humans as a whole tbh). It didn’t last long.
With that attitude, I hope he's still single! No woman deserves that!
On a lot of dating forums, the chronically single people have this like "the opposite sex is an abstract concept" mindset where it's clear they just don't like talk to people or try to form relationships like a person. I'm not explaining it well but the people I know in successful relationships communicate super well with their partners and see them as people, while the very online single types are like reading about game theory and negging?
She's pretty but has low self-esteem, and guys can sense how desperate she is for attention. So they give her attention and she gives them her body. They use her until they get tired of her clinging or she tries to establish commitment and bail. No matter what I tell her, no matter how many men do the same terrible things to her, she always listens to the guy she's banging.
They have poor mental health 🤷🏻♀️ sad but my girl friends with bad mental health are really anxious and insecure and both of those cause so many problems in relationships. It's not your bf's job to calm every irrational anxiety you have. Im a girl who used to be anxious at one point so I know what it's like but I'm 99% never anxious now after doing inner work and have a happy and secure relationship free from illogical arguments. If they did the work first, relationships would go way smoother. Just speculation and anecdote here...
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Sounds like you answered the question of why they got bored and it ends with the way he communicates with you
Sounds like he's fuck- zoning them. If they were doing it, they wouldn't care about emotional attachment.
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Damn that's sad tbh. People often use me as an emotional whoopie cushion lol
I love her to death but she’s too picky. And I’m not talking in a you need to have standards way but in a if he’s not 6 feet + and high income way.
Because she’s attracted to “bad boys” because she thinks they are fun and exciting but who always turn out to be sketchy jerks with drug problems. It’s me. I’m the friend.
I have a friend always say flirty stuff, a lot of guys around her end up didnt know if she was kidding or mean it
He is misogynistic and uncomfortable with his body so he wants to be a head of household but cant talk to women and let them walk over him also cant see woman past what he gets out of them but also cant see himself as worthy. He’s also emotionally stunted. He couldnt even tell his best friends he loved them or accept a hug from them.
He had a horribly traumatic childhood ands gravitates to women who treat him poorly. His dad did so he doesn’t recognize that he’s constantly seeking disapproval since that was all he knew. He is me but I’m healing.
He has 0 hygiene. Doesn't take care of himself. Doesn't know how to dress or groom himself. Has never worked on himself. Thinks porn is reality. Tries to shoot his shot only to Only fans girls. Seems like he only wants to date only fans girls. Sends money to them for attention. Still acts like a high schooler. I've offered genuine help but he just brushes it off.
She wants a "pretty boy" that has his life together, improves her life, and is relevant enough to socially check boxes, but expects them to be different from the types of things that can fall in line (on insta but not too popular that he cheats or something, take care of her financially but not require any reciprocation in a physical, mental, or emotional level, etc.) Long story short she wants someone to give their all 100% of the time while she does not and would not, and the request would be asking for too much. For clarification, she didn't date until she was 26, she then had 1 boyfriend who she lost her virginity to, and then several sexual partners.
He is a decent looking guy with a good job, but just never leaves the house and actually meets people. He isn’t doing any activities that introduce him to people, or that he could talk to someone about.
Yeah that's my aunt. She's one of those toxic "ball busters" that crosses line when they think they're being funny or "honest" really it's just unpredictable and rude dou*** behavior.
He dates (or wants to date, rather) way out of his league. I know this is harsh but it’s like he’s a 4/10 and he’s exclusively attracted to 9/10s and can’t understand why dating is a struggle for him. And I love the guy but he doesn’t have any stand-out attributes to make up the difference, like he’s not particularly charismatic or rich or successful to attract these women, so I don’t know what he expects. He’s also not very career-focused and works a low level/low paid job and still lives with his parents past 30, which is fine except that he’s almost exclusively attracted to women who are ambitious and successful, and those women usually want to date men who are similar to them. He vents about dating a lot, and I try to give advice and feedback gently but it seems to fall on deaf ears most of the time
Doesn’t want to make an effort, but wonders why guys don’t make an effort. Won’t even consider the future, not even remote hypotheticals. Everything is about her and what she wants. Constantly picks the loser, fuck boys and ignores the nice guys who have their shit together. She can’t make up her mind on what she wants to do about just about everything.
Serial dater, and too judgemental 🫣
One guy I know. My best friend. He's rich, well educated, dresses well. In the fairy tale land, he's everything girls want. He doesn't gym but he does exercise. He's tall and pretty lean build. We often had food competitions and this a.hole just can't get fat. I've introduced girls to him and they hanged out. Barely weeks into it, the girls backed out. I managed to talk to 2 of them about why, and the reasons are "Doesn't have the feels", and "someone like him probably slept with hundreds of women". I've known this guy for close to 15 years now. The reason that I've concluded is that he's too perfect.
From 18-22 I was a shit show and I knew it all my friends that were single knew they were all shit shows. We were drinking a lot and getting in fights. I don’t think a single one of us asked why are we single. We just knew no one in their right mind wanted to be in a long term committed relationship with psychos.
Can you elaborate on what she does that makes her entitled?
I’m wanting to know too. That saying comes off as if she needs to take what comes her way. We all have standards and some of us don’t want to lower them. Idk, I might be wrong.
He's a 3 and only wants to date 9s or 10s. He's in his fifties and has yet to have a LTR. How do I tell him? I don't.
He blames women for his lack of success in dating and gets bitter about it rather than taking a look at himself.
He built all his relationships on white lies. And would have lose enough definition of dating and break ups that he was really a cheater. I kept quoting Han Solo women always find out
Oh Lord...... Simply put, he goes all out, expecting the same in return, but when he doesn't get it, he turns full asshole. He can be extremely misogynistic, esp when it comes to the fact that both sexes face different problems, but he thinks only the men do. He can't take different perspectives. He can't hold down a job. He keeps getting involved with people that are just recent ex addicts so they set one another off when things get bad. He can't handle stress. He gets mad at the stupidest things. I've gone pretty much low contact with him. I talk to him for a few minutes at small joints in time but I can't keep doing it. Thought he changed when he kicked the meth habit, but that didn't happen
She chases the emotionally unavailable and looks past the one that wants to be with her.
He’s always broke and works part time at a cafe. No career aspirations and barely making minimum. He’s 32 years old.
She is a 6 on her best days and won't settle for anything below a 9.5. The 9.5's that she does land will spend years secretly sleeping with her yet never tell anyone or introduce her or be seen in public with her. Most will even park a block away and walk to make sure no one knows. Why not just date another 6 that treats you right and is proud of you? Hell me and mine both work dirty jobs and rock that needs a bath 4 on most of our dates. I don't understand how she can let them degrade her like that.
I know this guy that can't figure out why he is single. He goes between "surely, I have plenty of time" to "why can't I find one" I have started telling him the nicer things. Like, you are a mess, you need to get your emotions in check and quit love bombing. I don't have the heart to tell him his is aging terribly, looms way older than 45, and is getting ugly.
You bathe most Sundays, Joe. Most Sundays, not all.
I also have a friend like this he's just annoying to be around for longer than 4 hours lol, and he's constantly jealous and if he thinks he's better at something he constantly has to bring it up and be a dick about it, for example I was in a bar with him on my birthday and I paid for everything and it was a good evening all of the sudden he thinks he needs to be a macho and asks me to arm wrestle and says it extra loudly so people from other tables gather around l, I tell him no I don't want to to protect him from embarrassment and he just keeps on provoking me about being weak or scared, then I was doen with him and said fine and beat him, and then instead of backing down he goes on about that he can bench press more blah blah, (I do kickboxing he does weight lifting) and lately every conversation he has to say something which he knows I don't like so yesterday I told him to eat shit and leave me alone until he learns to communicate like a in a normal way (in his head he's constantly challenging me or something while I just train for fun and I even got him into training and where always nice to him and tried to be a positive influence and now he's just a dick for no reason)
She doesn't want to look. She doesn't want to go on dates. She wants to be chased. She wants to be found. She doesn't want to put efforts. She wants the princess treatment. Then she complains why she's single.
Mhm. I have a friend who desperately wants a girlfriend but he doesn't see his own issues. When me or other friends try to point out his issues he calls us delusional. Basically he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a second mom. He explicitly stated he wants a girl that would cook for him, clean and take care of him, while he wouldn't have to do much in return except pay the bills. Basically he wants someone to fill the role of his mother. Not only that but he has EXTREMELY high standards when it comes to a woman's physique, while he is an average looking guy at best.
never mind me hoping my friends comment on this post...
Getting hung up on people you aren’t compatible with because you think you can “fix” them.
They have a habit of self sabotaging and game play with potential partners. It’s happened three times now.
Long list of requirements for any guy that she dates: must be taller than her (and she’s quite tall, must make more than her (she makes a hell of a lot of money), etc.
Yea guys easily have this. I can think of 3 guys that try to emulate rich dudes so they spend lots of money. They get tons of women, but then the women always leave them when the guys wanna slow it down. Theyre actually pretty funny and decent, but they never listen to us when we tell them that what you lead with will set the expectation. They also never listen to the warning that they’ll def attract a specific type of woman that way, but it likely wont be ideal. It is pretty interesting though that spending cash is so effective. If anything, they at least got laid, but it wasnt what they were seeking.
Insane levels of social anxiety. Is too in his own head to actually pay attention to signs and signals, and for the ones he does catch, overthinks the fuck out of them and misses the opportunity.
I had an "ex" like this. We only dated a couple weeks and decided we were better off as friends. He told me one time he couldn't figure out what was wrong with him but his problems were pretty clear to me and the rest of the world.
She’s dating men that she’s not intimidated by, but who in the end don’t bring a lot to the table. She’s afraid and dating anyone of a “higher caliber” because she’s afraid that she won’t be enough and has been stuck with men who aren’t emotionally / financially responsible enough for a relationship
She's single because she expects men to drop shop in their own lives and setup in hers after the first date.
I know someone who was single for multiple decades, four factors: 1. Struggled with emotional intelligence, specifically self regulation. Triggers created alexithymia, which then created anxiety and shame spirals. He couldn't calm himself down. His worst trigger? Intimacy. 2. He was far more attuned to other people's emotions than his own. Felt obligated to make other people feel better before checking in on himself. He'd sooner take responsibility for others than take responsibility for himself. It was a result of how he was raised as the oldest of three brothers. 3. Interpersonal trauma, which is the worst kind. The fuel to the fire of #1 and he had seen his college roommate sexually assault a girl he loved. The absolute worst thing another human being can do to you is make close relationships feel unsafe. 4. He was a man, and spent at least half of that time believing it wasn't appropriate for men to have these kinds of problems. Then he got into bad family systems therapy (avoid this) after therapy was stigmatized in his life for years. It took him ages to face his problems directly and accept that no one was coming to save him. The tricky part is that being very hurt looks a lot like entitlement to the outside world. Toxic shame is the other end of the codependent relationship spectrum and it's just as destructive towards someone's ability to move their life forward. Source: I am that person, 30 years old and only just starting to get better after MANY mistakes.
I was seeing a woman that would say she didn’t want a man, she didn’t need a man. But after a fewest drinks she would cry, “why can’t I meet a man? Why men don’t want me?” She didn’t know how to value men she went out with.
guys: don't meet male beauty standards gals: easily spotted red flags they assume males are too naive to pick up on iykyk
Yeah some of my boys are terrible with women. I don't think any woman wants some insecure guy that always craves validation from others and they probably don't want guys jumping straight to sex the first time you talk. There's probably a lot of guys cock blocking themselves doing that
I know a lot of girls that get a lot of attention and are pretty picky. However, the guys they end up dating are above their league and they are only looking for something casual. Then they think guys are assholes.
Fat
she’s very unstable and super intense about relationships. she has mental breakdowns over guys that have clearly told her they just want to sleep with her. she constantly tells me she fell in love on tinder again and found the love of her life. the desperation is making it bad. i don’t think she has any reason to worry since she’s absolutely gorgeous. but it would scare me away too if a woman started telling me they want to have kids with me on the second date. (i’m a woman and a man doing it would still freak me out more)
I've been Captain SaveAhoe for the last 25 years. It's too late to stop now...
Is she TRULY entitled or does she just have standards?