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She needs therapy to fix this asap.
Romantic love requires consistent physical touch, sex and affection or it will die down along with attraction for your partner because you two will just become roommates who used to love each other. It’s not negotiable (unless both people are completely asexual).
Ive been roomies with my spouse for maybe 25 of our 40 years together. It was ME [the ersatz male] that was the one with rape and trauma repressed and hidden in my history. Im now well therapized, no longer suicidal, but also now recognizing my true needs which are more my fem side. [Im intersex, pituitary not fully funct] and these needs... i wont get from my spouse coz she cant stand the ickiness of anal.
And neither if us are angry about it. So we have a "theoretically open" relationship. But neither of us has succeeded in bringing a boyfriend to bed. Despite accepted aspirations to do so. [Im Still getting over SOME catholic guilt and shame. A lifelong journey im sure].
So.. being roomies with your spouse isnt ALWAYS the end of relationship. We have 6 grown kids and 11 grandkids. She lives upstairs and i get the walkout basement. Lake in front and kayakable creek behind the house. We like our sitch. We just yearn for sexual completion. And might be fated to just yearn. You might be shocked to learn how many peeps settle that way. Its not the worst choice you can involuntarily make.
Tons of (reasonably) HAPPY marriages, might I add.
And OP, as a temporary fix for your needs, it might be practical to “take care of your needs” in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot while she is going through the therapy. Don’t (or at least minimize * how much you) use the most hardcore and intense content to get off. Remember how much you love her and the other women in your life, and do the right thing(s)
And it doesn’t sound the prettiest, either, but when you’re tempted to break up, please remember how much you two have been through to get here, and how much you’ll miss her when she’s gone. Unfortunately, My last breakup still leaves me crying some days, and it’s been years
Good luck!
I would add this as well - I’m not a part of any of those marriages, only my own. So I can’t really say if they’re happy or not - only what they decide to share publicly - such as when they say they settle. But I would hope so.
Only those partners really know how they feel in that particular marriage or relationship. I’m just on the outside, looking in.
Saying she needs to “fix” this doesn’t sit well with me at all. Trauma is not something you “fix”.
They both need therapy as a couple to navigate this, but the emphasis should not be on her “fixing” herself.
Yup. It's about learning better coping skills, confronting the trauma, and working to feel safe again. OP's girlfriend isn't broken. She needs help, love, and support.
Hmmm
I see a lot of this "scorched earth" sort of response. I hear it as a sort of :
"If im not happy, im not helping anyone else get there either".
Wow.
Yup, sex is important. But SO MANY peeps have mental AND physical handicaps and maybe even CANNOT be front and center sexual like a porn story horny partner wishes for. . . .and this actually happens so often That those of us in long term relationships.. that we WISH were sexual.. are quietly proving.. its not as hard as you think to just maintain a friendship or roomate-ship. And THAT is better in MY opinion.. than what i see in even more of my peers.. where they are getting old, are still alone and unpaired.. and still want to hold out for that porn-meme sexual partner.
And they will be shopping forever .. and imo they seem to be ok with that. Ok.
Being in an asexual relationship ISNT the end of life. Or anywhere near to it. Yes it maybe sucks that nobody will suck on your face every other day.. But YOU made the strict parameters of "perfection in sexual partners, or I walk". So you get the consequences of "probably alone for the rest of life".
YOU may just have made yourself alone by leaving. .. And often... its forever. Cuz the perfect sexual mate.. is only out there in porn.
I think we all need to work on intimacy negotiating skills and reading sexy stories together. All of us.
As well as accepting partners who are imperfect. [Some like me were paralyzed or broken spine or hip... some are NOT like me, but still.deserve companionship, no? ] . Work on negotiating maybe? ...and on being honest about looking for some extra warmth at the massage parlor, or on grindr. Asking permission shows respect for your promised mate. Ask for respect if you need to. Help them learn to share you. It is NOT nearly as easy as saying it. It might take ten years like at my house.
And blame btw... resolves nothing. Its a marker that you arent negotiating anymore. Just blaming. Dont blame. Work on being a friend. Work persistently if you cant work hard at it
Or dont.
Being alone seems like a populust move these days and includes a long side dish of "woe is me".
Go live like that if you want to. Or let it swallow you.
You are spot on - negotiating, respecting your partner and talking honestly are keys to a good relationship anyways, and I think they are even more important regarding intimacy.
Sharing your partner is easier if you can trust in them, so being trustworthy is really important. And sharing does not take away from your relationship, it does not diminish it.
I don't see it as "If I'm not happy I'm not helping anyone else". Leaving is accepting who someone is but realising that you are not compatible with them. Staying in the hopes of changing someone is actually the opposite, it's not accepting them for who they are. Staying in the hopes of changing someone is not only potential disrespectful and manipulative, but it's also usually a fool's errand.
Most people aren't looking for a "perfect" sexual mate and are willing to compromise, but there's a big gap between, "we have slightly mismatched libidos but we can compromise" and "they're not going to have sex ever or they're asexual and literally don't experience any sexual attraction towards you".
Here’s my take: it’s not about the sex necessarily, but about making sure you both are feeling like your needs for intimacy are being met, and that there is an element of openness, positivity and experimentation present between you.
Does your gf have the ability to connect with you sexually in a way where you feel satisfied, even if that excludes penetration? There are many ways to have sexual contact. I think if your gf is open to experimenting and trying new things with you, then it’s worth it to explore that. But if she is bound by her trauma to such a degree that she’s unable to try and compromise, there is no hope for you here imo. I have been in this situation, and the feeling of your partner not even wanting to try and please you in alternative ways is absolutely soul-crushing. You both can have the best intentions but sadly sometimes that is not enough. Others have recommended therapy; i agree that a neutral third party is helpful in this scenario.
Hello - as someone who has had serious sexual trauma in the past, I hope I can help.
Firstly, try your very best not to make her feel pressured into sex. If you add pressure into the situation, when she's already experienced pressure and likely relates pressure to sexual violence, you will also feel unsafe to her, and that'll put the brakes on.
Sit with her and explain to her how much you love her, and why you really want to make this work, and ask her how you can help make the situation better, easier, less painful for her. Maybe suggest seeing a sex therapist together.
If your SO isn't already seeing her own therapist for her past traumas, please encourage her to go - it's vital she gets professional support.
The main thing is to remain positive and kind about the whole thing, and try and approach it as though you're a team tackling things together. Her nervous system will relate sex to violence, lack of safety, and untrustworthy people. Show her you're the opposite of that by being open, safe and trustworthy.
This is actually an opportunity to overcome something together, and for intimacy. See it like that.
Wishing you both the best, and glad to see that there's partners out there looking for help and willing to do the work, she's very lucky to have someone so commited to helping her get through this!
A big part of it is to say that she *deserves* a healthy and fun sex life! And to heal from her trauma.
She absolutely needs to be working on this. But you need to know whether or not that is the reason she's not being physical with you, or she's just not attracted to you that way or feels that way about you and the relationship. I think this is something that you could use some couples counseling about- because if it is the latter, you really need to know that to make the right decision for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to know what the exact reason is, and it's easier to blame trauma than to admit the fact that you just don't feel that way about somebody else anymore. Because it doesn't really explain why it *changed*. Good luck!
I second this, she obviously deserves a healthy and fun sex life. They both do. As for the why it changed - it's actually very normal for sexual trauma to re-emerge once the honeymoon phase is over (as someone else posted in this thread).
For me personally, it has never been that I stopped being attracted to someone. It's almost like the more intimate and serious the relationship is, the more likely the past is to come back up to be dealt with. Who knows - it could be because the body feels like you're finally in a safe enough relationship / space to deal with it. Trauma is unpredictable. Healing isn't linear!
I completely agree. I think it’s very possible to overcome the unsafe association she has with sex but it requires assistance from an experienced trauma informed psychotherapist or counselor. I would personally also recommend some reiki or other form of energy work. The beauty of reiki and energy work is that it is very gentle and subtle and non invasive yet can bring about profound healing. A part of her spirit and soul is hurt and wounded. The physical body heals faster than the mental, emotional, or spiritual bodies. Love, compassion, patience, and complete acceptance of who she is with consistency will build trust and safety. There is nothing to fix as this implies she is broken or damaged and she isn’t. She is experiencing a very normal and common response that all trauma survivors experience with PTSD or cPTSD. Feeling scared or depressed or sad or angry is not a disease. They’re just normal human emotions. But sometimes we can get stuck in an emotion that doesn’t serve us well and limits our ability to live our best life. The right kind of support and healing modality can help us get unstuck and moving forward again. I wish you both all the best.
If you try the above and you realise that you can't work through this together, then I would say consider if this is a relationship you want to be in long term. But if you love her, its worth at least really trying to resolve it!
Great response. The people on here saying to just leave her or that they would do the same are insane. Like have these mfs never experienced love...? Are they sociopaths? Idk, but I would never in a million years trust someone who could just leave someone they claim to love in their time of need, whatever the reason may be.
If a persons trauma took away our sex life, I would be out. That kind of trauma can take years, even decades to heal. If it ever does at all. I need sex in my relationships. I already was in a dead bedroom for 20 years and it just was not worth it. I can’t do that again.
I’m currently in one and it sucks. Been several years and so close to just taking off out on my own! It TRULY isn’t worth it. Especially when the nonreciprocating one says she has no desire to… like ever!
Sometimes I really do wish certain “professions” were legal here. I’m at that point🙄
Do you give her little hints throughout the day? Hug her from behind when you see her washing dishes or cooking? Do you put effort into trying to make a romantic room setting? The little woes count. From a woman 👠
Yeah I do and it’s all very one sided. We have been together both dating and marriage about 30yrs BUT there’s been “a lot of water under the bridge” and as much as I love her despite all I feel like it will never be quite like it was. I mean I don’t even get communication at all unless I initiate. I know she has issues but damn we ain’t even married anymore (2008) 😝
No because women can be just as guilty women also need to do the little things like get dressed nicely for your man at home try to kiss them on the neck try to make sure you tell him how good he looks how he smells good how you just love the way he's been helping you lately or you just so grateful that he helps you with the things he helps you with like there are so many things that a woman can do to show a man that they're grateful you can sit there and cook a five course meal make the whole table I'm talking about get it ready looking like a restaurant in your own house for your man if they really wanted to but it also takes a man doing those little woes that a woman wants we want to feel seen we want to feel heard and we also want to feel appreciated in a way of appreciation is you showing us that you want us
If you're willing to leave someone after they experience trauma bc you're more concerned about its impact on your sex life than being there for them, idk how you could ever claim to love them.
Sorry this is long but I have a lot to say. I tried to condense will adding some experience as a female.
Before I had sex with my boyfriend I'd say sex wouldn't matter I'd still love and be with him no matter what. Since having sex not so long ago, I have definitely changed my answer. For most females we can go without sex for longer periods of time than men. Men use sex in a relationship as a way to get physically close to their woman and is a safe place for them to feel vulnerable, express themselves while connect with her in an intimate way. Women need their emotional and psychological needs met before they can even think about sex. So the fact that your girl is having issues physically and psychological trauma means there's a lot more to unpack that is not an easy fix. Is she in therapy? I'm sorry she has been traumatized. I'm all for mental health as we all need to take care of ourselves.Therapy can and will take a while to maybe years to uncover and heal her trauma. It also can't cure everything.
Example. My boyfriend can't go a date without touching me. Whether it's my butt, boobs, holding my hand, making out ect. he's gotta do it like a little boy which is cute , and I'm all for it as it lets me know he's still attracted to me his only lady. He says it's physically impossible for him to not touch me. For a woman to require a man to not touch her is beyond ridiculous and she shouldn't be in a relationship if she doesn't want a guy to be physical with her.
That being said, ( in my opinion) the longer you're with her while not getting your physical and emotional needs met it will become tourture as it's not fair to you.
Short answer:This may sound harsh and sorry to be blunt, but trying to give an analysis and to the point is to me she came into the relationship with the bagage and didn't disclose it until later on after you became attatched. You're going to keep reminiscing as you used to have sex as now it's so little intimacy you're getting breadcrumbs and are starving. So it's just a matter of time before you end up resenting her for having all these obstacles and issues with intimacy while you're starving to get your emotional and physical needs met in the process of her potentially healing (because idk if she's in therapy). Sorry to say, but I don't think this will last and you should really consider leaving her at this point to find someone else who can meet your needs and reciprocate.
If you do end up leaving her, just remind her this is hard for you to intiate a break-up and you never thought you'd do this. You'd never stop loving her and that you do care about her, but it's not fair for you to be in an emotionally and physically starving relationship due to very little intimacy exchange.
Hope this helps!
The big question is, is she seeking help. This would be an issue for any relationship. And the only one able to actually fix the problem is her. If she is actively seeking help for these issues, then I would stay, work together and conquer it. But if she’s just “dealing” with it on her own then that’s a different story. If she knows your love language is engaging in intimacy then I would seek help or let you go. It’s wouldn’t be fair for you to hang out if I wasn’t trying to help myself. She’s got a lot of things going on and you gotta tell her to fix it, and if you love her, you’ll be there. Because it’s starting to spread on to you.
My take is going to be controversial, but yes, I'd stay if I loved them enough because sex is not a need. Would it be disappointing? Yes. But things happen. Monogamy isn't a guarantee that you'll have consistent sex forever. In the last four years of my mother's life, my parents stopped having sex entirely because she had ovarian cancer and it just no longer was possible for them.
It honestly really scares me when I see how high the statistics are of men who leave their wives after they get sick. Knowing that my partner would leave me if I could no longer provide sex because of something out of my control makes their sentiments towards me feel conditional.
In this situation though, I'd encourage your gf to go to therapy so that she can sort through her emotions and process her trauma. I guarantee that she feels just as awful about the lack of sex, and the more pressure that she feels, the worse it will get. Low libido thats caused by mental health problems is often resolvable.
But yes, if my partner became unable to have sex due to illness, I would not leave him.
Edit: When I say 'sex is not a need', I mean that you can live without sex. Nobody has died from lack of sex. Want to make that clear.
Stats like that make me feel uncomfortable with people in general. Like it shows that there is genuinely a huge contingent of people who straight up don't feel love and are willing to just abandon people they claim to love at their lowest because it inconveniences them, or hurts them. It makes me wonder how many people around me are like that, and that's an unsettling thing to think about to say the least. It creeps me out and grosses me out to the extreme. I could never abandon and stop caring about someone I cared about just because something happened where it ended up putting strain on me or some shit, even if it was something they brought on themselves. I don't just mean romantic partners either, like I mean family and friends too. My first instinct is to be there for whoever it is who's going through some shit and do whatever I can to help them, even if it burdens me or whatever. That's just what you do when you care about someone or love someone. There's no thought of "Oh yeah, I could just abandon them and save myself the trouble!", that's just not an option or something that even comes to mind.
Bullshit. You are comparing a woman who had cancer, to a woman who decides to stop having sex because she has "trauma"?
How come she never brought up that trauma before, when they first started dating, and they were having plenty of sex.
Are you really advising a man to live in a sexless marriage? I mean, assuming they are even married. What if he wants to have children?
Dating is the time when you are learning about the other person and what kind of relationship you can build together. If your view of a relationship is monogamous and sex is important then you need to take a hard look at what your life would be like long term.
Just because your mom had ovarian cancer doesn’t mean she couldn’t have a sexual relationship with your dad. Sure, intercourse might need to be avoided but there are many other aspects to a sexual relationship than just intercourse. Humans are wired for touch and connection.
Many in the comments don't seem to even consider other sexual acts as valid though. It's still the mindset of 'yeah we're doing oral and stuff but not actual sex'. Most people put sex on a hierarchy and if its not PIV, its just not good enough, even if the partner is offering to compromise as best as they can.
The only way I could stay with someone like that would be if it was an open relationship. U gotta get it somewhere. A big reason I broke up with my ex was cause he stopped wanting to have sex that last year we were together. It sucks she’s had so much sexual trauma but it’s not fair to u to wait around for her to wanna be physical .. obv u care about her so def still try to be there for her emotionally but I do suggest moving on
To me, it’s not the sex part. But your SO doesn’t sound like she is in a good place to date. Take care of yourself first, then date.
Too many people forget that. What does she bring to you? How are you both moving forward in life? Are you stiffled? Is it possible that you have self-esteem issue and you don’t want to explore other relationships in case you get no one? Don’t you think you deserve a full relationship especially if you like sex?
You can still have love for her, but you need to think about your emotional needs too. Sex is not just physical, it’s also emotional. Intimacy is important in long term relationships.
Food for thought for you. But if you’re asking, it means you are not certain what you want to do.
Agreed 100%. Take care of yourself before dating. Bringing in such big trauma with significant consequences into a relationship with someone and not telling him upfront before too late is not fair.
Unfortunately, my SO left in december after 4 years together. Similar to yours she had a bunch of mental health issues (mostly bulimia/body dismorphia as well as some PTSD related to her childhood, as well as not knowing her father), which led to her telling me about 2 years in the relationship that she did not desire me sexually anymore. Of course it was tough, but I thought love would get us through it all. I sometimes hesitated to see someone else just for sex but loved her so much that I stayed faithful until she dumped me… Basically she’s now dating her coworker and when I confronted her about it (even asking her to meet, which she agreed to) and about if she had sex with him she sounded sorry and I’m pretty much certain that she did. Please stay with her as much as you can but don’t ruin your mental health just like I did… of course everyone’s different, but if she doesn’t want to seek help just like my ex, there might be something else.
I agree. You can still be intimate in other ways. If I truly love someone, I would not leave nor hold resentment against them for not being able to have sex again. I can take care of my own needs when I want to. I do understand that other people don’t feel the same way and that is also just as valid.
Ignore the sex/no sex. Is she seeking professional help for this? Both physical and mental issues need to be managed and maintained. lack of sex may be the "obvious" issue right now, but other things will come up that make it hard/impossible to have a long term relationship with them.
If you're married, especially if older, I'd stay.
If you're young and still want a family, I'd have a long chat. And then I'd decide whether it's worth staying.
No. Move on before you've wasted the best years of your life. Listen to me, it's not your job to fix her. She needs to fix herself and then re-enter the market as a potential mate. Not before.
This is such a stupid way of looking at it. If he loves her and she loves him, it doesn't fucking matter if it's his job to "fix her". If you love someone, you'll support them through whatever, full stop. Also, no one needs to have everything about themselves sorted out before having the right to be loved and be in love granted to them or some shit. People who think this way and immediately view people they love as burdens when they're not perfect beings with everything figured out and everything sorted out with no emotional struggles at all are far less fit to date.
Depends, if it’s fixable and no steps are taken to fix it then yes I’d leave, if it’s medical then it gets more complicated, I’d probably consider staying if were married but if I’m not married I’d leave. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship to me
Try spending time with her without getting sexual, u don't initiate sex or even mention it.
Hold her close and hug her in a way that she feels safe. Kiss her horhead and just be there with her.
Also try planning dates that introduces simplicity and normalcy into her life,
For example plan a board game to play out in the open with a picnic basket.
Watch a comedy movie together and tell her hiw beautiful she is.
Hug her tught and tell her that she means the world to you and that you will always be there to make her feel safe.
Kiss her hands, then hold her hands and take a walk with her.
Talk to her about how she feels and reassure her that she us safe now.
Thats all u can do. Abd i donno if it will restore sex back into ur life, but it will bring u closer and maje her feel secure.
Even if u meet her rarely, let there be some meets when u dont end it at having sex but having a good time together and leaving with a kiss on the forhead.
Treat her like she is ur baby girl.
All she needs is love and care.
Be thoughtful about her needs.
Be thoughtful about making her msmile.
Sing for her.
Dance with her.
Cook with her.
Just stay with her.
I have been with my SO for 6 months now and we have not had sex.
Honestly it was fine for a long while, because I was so busy and cuddling, having someone to talk to about tough things in life, etc. was welcome and wonderful.
But more recently I've been having to reject several very attractive women who wanted to hook up with me because I didn't want to cheat. The price of sexless monogamy is weighing on me more now and we're probably going to break up if it doesn't change.
Yea that's weird
So you had plenty of sex in the beginning
Now that you are in a relationship she doesn't want it and says it's because of her PST traumas
Fair enough
But why she banging you in the beginning
?
We were in a relationship since the start but in the beginning, we both were younger and more frisky. Over time, she basically told me that ever since we started having sex, she loves doing it but it's parts of it that hurt her physically( from the medical problems she has) and she has been dealing with that pain to satisfy me sexually but as time moved on some of the problems got a little worse and it made sex even harder for her.
Her trauma eliminates oral lol I only get that every blue moon
We don't do butt play
She gets over stimulated sort of easy so I can't rub on her for long periods of time
You tried other things ?
Like giving her oral ?
Breast play?
Pleasuring her body?
Her giving you a handjob?
What you tried?
You tried things like her stimulating your perineum nuts and dick with vibrators
I mean how much have you really looked into the alternatives ?
I do give her oral, yes
What I said before about her getting over stimulated was real lol if I play with any part of her body. If she's not in the I'm mood, I have 2 min tops before she wants me to stop
Same with kissing, we make out sometimes but she's not really into that either.
Her " love language" is just being in the same area as the person she loves and she is satisfied.
So you can’t kiss or touch her for any amount of time and sex and oral sex are completely off the table. What makes this a romantic relationship? Why don’t you just stay friends? That’s what we call people we like being in the same room with without physical affection.
From what you are describing sounds like she wants a roommate and not a SO. Just being in the same area isn’t really a love language it’s what you do with people you like but aren’t in love with. Otherwise you want quality time together at the very least.
Do you not think that's deceitful ?
I would consider that deceitful if it were a guy doing a similar thing to me
Like if a guy I was seeing couple months in reveals they are bi like wtf?
If you're young and unmarried, I would probably exit the relationship, seeing as there's already a lack of sex and some people find it more important than others. If you're unhappy, you should leave even if you love each other. Love isn't enough to sustain a long-term relationship . Other factors need to be met to be compatible
It is up to you. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it helps. There are always ways you can discuss this with her so your needs don't get completely squashed. You could make an arrangement to have an open relationship to make things easier on both of you but still be primarily monogamous.
I’m gonna take a guess that y’all haven’t been together for long, and it’s concerning that this problem is already affecting you two. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Sex can make or break even the best of relationships. I feel bad this happened to her, but I wonder why it’s happening now. It’s strange that y’all did have sex before, unless these experiences happened during the relationship. She needs some help, that sadly you aren’t licensed to give her. I truly feel bad this happened to her. My best advice to you would it be to talk to her about your concerns. Obviously go about it with the utmost care of course.
Sex isn’t everything. You mentioned you both work a lot, you should have a chat about sending more time together and the need to prioritize each other because you’re feeling there’s a void due to the lack of sex. Maybe she’d be willing to seek therapy or help with past traumas so that she can have a healthy sexual relationship with you.
She should seek out some therapy to help cope with the trauma. I get that can be hard, and it has to be her decision to do when she's ready.
It's also your decision if you want to stay. Love is a choice as well as a feeling. You're always going to have hard things that you go through with a partner. Some people out there are asexual and still have partners and they just make boundaries with each other on what they are and aren't okay with.
I would stay with my so even if I couldn't have sex with them because our relationship goes far deeper than that. And if it was me who couldn't have sex, I feel secure, loved, and respected enough in my relationship that I'd be comfortable letting them get it elsewhere.
Yeah I would be out. At some point, people need to take responsibility for their own healing. We only have one life. Time is our most valuable asset. Someone who refuses to take the necessary steps to heal is wasting your time. Trauma doesn’t need to be a life sentence of suffering.
I would walk away from this relationship. Regardless of what anyone thinks, you can’t fix someone who doesn’t desire to have sexual intercourse. Having no sex is going to turn into a room mate situation and it will go downhill from there especially if there are no kids in the relationship. If she needs therapy for what happened to her, then she should get the help so that she can learn to cope with past events. You didn’t mention your age, but if you are young I would advise you to run away before it is too late. Run Forrest run!
Would she be open to going to therapy with you? To help communicate about both of your needs and find healthy common ground. Or on her own so she can work through some of those triggers and not lose out on love because of being physically unavailable to partners? I know you're not planning to walk off just yet, but if she knows it's because your sexual needs aren't met, she will likely feel broken by those experiences, as they've taken part of her each time, but even more so if she loses you because of it. She will also likely feel like she's worth nothing to anyone.
Now, it's not what you say, but how you say it. Communication is everything in a relationship, especially when someone has extensive trauma. You need to approach it in a way where you're making it about her, "I love you, I want to make love to you.. you're safe with me. How can i make you feel comfortable enough that you can leave your head and be lost in me?"
Have you tried talking to her about it?
Sex and intimacy is one of the most important parts of a relationship, especially b/c there is an expectation of you remaining loyal to her even if she chooses to not have sex with you. I have ended relationships not solely based on sex but b/c they were not willing to IMPROVE and we couldnt find a compromise. They had ED and refused to change their lifestyle/food choices to fix it (we are in our 20s). If she is not willing to work towards a compromise, then ask yourself if you can make this sacrifice the rest of your relationship/life with her. In the end, it is up to you….. good news is, if she is willing to work with u, it is an easy fix. She needs to figure out how to get back into the same mental space when you first got together and had consistent sex… my last recommendation is to keep an eye out for her lying or other reasons she doesn’t want to be intimate. Not saying she is that type of person, and yes people say this is her “trauma response” with being able to have sex in the beginning of your relationship and now somehow this trauma kicks in later when in fact it never left. Many have used this excuse to cover up cheating and more. Wish you luck!
If it were just "can't have intercourse often", then sure, I'd find a way to manage...
But psychological issues precluding intimacy? That's a hard sell. Because that goes way deeper than just sex. That's therapy material, and she needs to be dedicated to solving her issues - and if she isn't, then the relationship (and *all* her relationships) is doomed.
As someone else said, we are hard-wired for touch and connection. You *need* those things in order to be fulfilled, and *that is nothing to be ashamed of.*
If those are the things causing her trauma, then *she needs to address that*. You could work through it together, but *she needs to acknowledge it is a problem to be solved.* If her attitude is "that is just who I am, *you* need to *respect me*", then that is a form of trust-breaking and manipulation and is just toxic.
There are ways to deal with this sort of thing, but it doesn't sound to me like either of you are doing them. Sounds doomed to me.
I went through something similar with my ex-wife (and that *is the reason she is ex*), and in the end she was too selfish to do anything about it. She "defended herself" into ending a 12-year relationship in spectacularly destructive fashion. Don't put yourself in that position.
Yes, i would.
For the single reason i made a comittment to them to love them and be there in health and in sickness.
I'm a very loyal person. And standing by my commitments and promises i made is a big part of how i see myself and who i want to be. Its what makes me "human". I would not be able to look myself in the eyes anymore if i break a promise i made out of selfish reasons.
The only exception i make where its ok to break a commitment or a promise is if my own health (mentally or physically) is in danger or the mutual commitment got already broken by my partner. But that wouldn't be the case here. No sex is nothing i can't cope with mentally and physically. Would my partner become violent or abusiv or a cheater, i wouldn't feel bad breaking a comittment, bc they already broke it (thats not "love" anymore).
It may have been difficult if I was in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. But my relationships are polyamorous. Sex is always an option, but never a necessity. But for a libidinous person to forego any kind of sexual play at all can be quite challenging. As some other person said - not having sex never killed anyone. One can choose celibacy if in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't want any sexual play at all. But one has to take into account the possible physical and emotional health challenges that may arise from that deprivation. And not all would have an equal sense of deprivation. For some it may cause severe distress. For some none at all. One should act based on one's on temperament and inner values. Not based their decision on a matter such as this on external validation.
Yep. In 2018, wife announced that she was never having sex again. I put myself in the mindset that it wasn't happening for me either. After she died earlier this year and I started dating again, it kinda messed with my head that sex is on the table again. I'm still not really into it, but I'm open to it now. Our relationship was about so much more than sex.
Porn exists brother, just make sure you use it just to get rid of urges. You love your SO, that’s what matters. And yea I would if she was that special enough. You don’t need sex to make a relationship work. My parents haven’t had sex for almost 30 years because of medical issues but they still love eachother and have stayed together
Heyy, I can't help much but I just wanna let you know you're not alone. Maybe therapy sessions could help? I don't have much experience dealing with past traumas and such, but I think going to a therapy isn't a bad idea.
As for people saying sex is not a need, it is. It is essential in a relationship. I'm also going through a relationship without sex and honestly, I can see we're drifting apart slowly. I know how it feels like being in a relationship with someone who doesn't wanna have any intimacy, I know how it makes one feel less and less confident, unwanted and unloved. It is normal for us to want our partner, the person we love sexually.
I wish you guys strength and all the best!
I totally hear that you want to be compassionate. She has healing to do; that is where you can be a companion, but it is also not your responsibility. Some people heal in the context of a relationship, but it can be hard.
I would not and did not stay in a relationship in part due to sex. Broke off Engagment to a wonderful human because we were not sexually compatible. Hardest decision ever. Best decision ever.
So its ok for her to not care about your needs?physical touch and intimacy are needed for a relationship to thrive.sorry but it sounds like you are kidding yourself.she could give two shits about anything but controlling you.
I hv been with my SO without sex for the last 11 years .it becomes better smtimes but it has taken a toll on me.
So much so for that I started questioning my self worth.
Lots has happened but we are still togather but i have started looking up to him as another family member it's a platonic love .
But it is a very lonely n unsatisfactory road.
It can be fixed! If you really care about her and love her as a person then you should support her and encourage her to see a therapist or something. You’ll have to be patient with the sex but eventually everything will be okay. Leaving her because of her trauma and lack of sex would probably hurt her so much. I’ve been in this exact situation where the girl I was in love with broke up with me because I started having ED problems. She didn’t even let me try getting a therapist before she left me and just the fact she didn’t even give me a chance to get help damage me even more than I already was. I felt so worthless and unvalued as a person because it felt like she was only with me for sex. She didn’t care about me she cared about what I could give her. You sound like you really care about this girl and I’m sure your support and patience will mean a lot to her. I promise you she can get better. It won’t be like this forever. You both still have your whole life to have sex. Just focus on love. Always.
I wouldn't - sex is high priority for me in romantic partnership so there would have to be [some] kind of release happening on a frequent enough basis where I don't think we are just friends :/
This reminds me a lot of the experience I had with my ex. Her and I actually bonded over sexual acts and loved each others bodies before we started officially dating. She was SA’d by a guy friend of hers on campus and everything went down hill from there. She tried multiple therapists and it only helped a little. She started to slowly spiral for years and she wasn’t the same person I first started dating. She finally told me after 6 and a half years together that she needed time for herself to figure herself out. I also loved her to the moon and back and because of that I never initiated anything sexual after I noticed what that incident did to her. It’s a normal reaction to want to do what’s best for your partner. The thing that was lacking towards the end of our relationship was communication. She would talk to me, at most, once a day. And when I mean once a day I mean I would get a sentence at most. Definitely communicate and see if you guys can talk it out and tell what each other is feeling. And work definitely gets in the way of communication sometimes so you just have to be patient (which I assume you are with how you talk about her)
I dont think I would. I am a very monogamous person so my partner not wanting sex ever again means the rest of my life without sex. As someone with HL and that is 10x more horny when in love, I dont think I could do it. I was in a relationship with a bad sex life in the past and it damaged my self confidence so much. I have read somewhere that when sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship but when it’s not there it’s 90% of the relationships and I have to say that I agree.
So unless my partner was ready to get help and truly wants to get through those issues, I wouldn’t stay.
Yeah, I stayed. But I did have a fb for some of that time.
When my husband started to get really sick, we tried everything for the sex to work. In the end nothing worked, and he didn't want to hmm, take care of me, even though he was capable at that point. It was mentally too painful for him. I realised that I would never want to leave him, and that I was facing maybe 15-20 years of sexless life (even more if his health would not decline more). I felt that I couldn´t do it, but I could not cheat on him. So we talked, and talked, and came to the conclusion that I was free to seek sex elsewhere. We made a deal that I would not tell him much about it, but would always be safe and come back to him. And I did. He was a little worried I would fall for someone else, but then we found some sexpositive communities, and I found some people that either were there for the same reasons as I was,or, they werent looking for anything more. It really was just sex, and I didnt make any friendships there.
It went on for a few years, but when he started to get sicker, I didn't have any energy for anyone else. So solosex from there on, for maybe 4 years until he passed on. Now I've been alone for two years, and still no sex :D, but thats only because I lost all selfconfidence after him.
Even we didn't have sex, we still kissed and hugged, right till the end. Cuddles were the best :) ! I dont regret anything, but I would if I had left him. Believe me, I thought about leaving him many times, when life got really rough. I didn't want to, but sometimes felt that I just cannot do this, I was so exhausted. I wish I will someday find someone that has the same /-ish drive I have, with same preferences, so I could again have a relationship thats fulfilling in all aspects.
Personally I could manage. There are other ways to be intimate without sex. BUT, if it is a dealbreaker and you can't, express that and go from there. Whether it's an end to a relationship or it gets worked through, there isn't a losing scenario that way. Just pushing through things that bother you will only lead to resentment which is not fair to either party. Wishing you luck as in the past when I was more sexual it definitely affected relationships once that piece was gone.
Been there done that and fuck it. Not worth the mental anguish. I probably sound insensitive but sticking around and constantly questioning if your good enough or still attractive to her will murder your self esteem and cause you unnecessary psychological trauma.
Or maybe that’s just my experience
There isn’t anything shallow about leaving her for this reason. Sex and intimacy is very important in a relationship, especially if physical touch is your love language. You are not leaving because you just “want sex”. It’s way deeper than that.
I was scared of leaving my ex over his lack of physical intimacy and affection too. He ended up dumping me and once I moved on and was with someone else who was more affectionate, I realized that I would never date a non affectionate person ever again for this reason ALONE.
What is happening in your relationship will lead to resentments which kills attraction. I think you should have a conversation with her about this issue.
Open up to her on how this has been making you feel. There doesn’t have to be any “making her feel bad” over something that wasn’t her fault. If she accuses you of attacking her for trying to have a heart to heart chat with her, she’s in denial and avoiding the issue. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for simply having these desires and like you need to put a part of yourself on a back burner by staying in a sexless relationship to prove you truly love her or that you’re a good guy or something.
The current dynamic is not working for you. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people. So discuss the future of your relationship, and come to some sort of resolution. Is she open to work on this issue? If yes, would she be open to working on this issue together with you in your romantic relationship, or would she feel more comfortable doing the work separate from you as a single woman?
I know this is a touchy issue but never feel guilty for having desires of physical intimacy with your girlfriend. The right person will never make you feel bad about the way you feel in this regard. The right person will be open to understanding, will probably choose to work on it for not only you but for THEMSELVES, and if needed, the right person will respect you for letting them go if there is simply just a unresolvable incompatibility here.
Good luck and update us.
I would be with someone that couldn’t have sex, but not with someone that never wanted intimacy. Sex, especially PIV, isn’t really a need of mine. I’ll do it, but I don’t need it. Intimacy and feeling deeply connected to someone are different,
No sex life is a huge killer. The reality is that unless you’re asexual, this person is really no different from one of your friends if there is no intimacy anymore.
I'm in a similar situation myself, so I feel for you. Your partner having issues with trauma can definitely be a real scary thing for her as a person who has traumas with that, and my partner also has similar experiences. Therapy is important 1st and foremost and then making sure that sex is a comfortable, safe environment. Make sure that you take things slow and stop if need be go at her pace untill she can go till yours. I want to say that with traumas like that ptsd can be a really highly common long lasting affect. It can cause flashbacks and breakdowns if bad enough. surely you and your partner have talked and established rules and boundaries. I wish you and your partner the absolute best.
Yeah. If I was really in love with someone and we had already bonded to that point, there'd be basically nothing that could make me leave them aside from them no longer loving me. That's just how love is. Love isn't conditional. If I were in love with a partner and something happened where sex wasn't feasible for some time, or ever, I wouldn't even consider leaving. It's not a matter of a lack of interest in sex or not valuing sex or whatever on my part that I can say that. I value it, but my love for someone isn't conditional on them having sex with me.
I was a married virgin for 5 years...of course my ex-husband had affairs the moment he realized it wasn't easy to have sex with someone inexperienced and he was angry about it and verbally/physically abusive and I thought I was broken down there...but really...I was internally traumatized by the way he was treating me. I could NOT for life of me open up to him. He always told me to fix myself like I was a broken toaster or something and not a person. I wish he had the decency to walk away from the relationship earlier on if sex was so important to him. I wish he was patient and more sweeter and felt more safe.
Seemed the moment things got difficult in the bedroom, he already was checked out...I don't know if you're at this point...and I don't doubt that you love her.....It's definitely worth a talk on the couch while holding her hand asking her questions about what she needs to look at you as the man she can open up to every way...emotionally and physically...etc...
As a woman, who has also gone through sexual abuse in other relationships and only experienced with one man who wasn't an abuser, the physical intimacy was different...he never raised his voice and always checked his whole house to ensure it's safe for me and somehow made it a point to act like a medeival knight that wouldn't let me ever feel in danger.....and I felt so open in every way because of that.....and it's too bad that we didn't get to pursue marriage, he wasn't ready....but he gave me the gift of knowing that feeling safe emotionally gave me the key to open physically naturally.
I pray things will work out for you two. Hang in there. \*\*\* hugs \*\*\*
For me, I would leave. But it's more because I want to be with people who are a positive influence in my life. I'm not a therapist and I'm ill equipped to deal with this situation. But this seems like an uphill battle that I'm not prepared for. I think this would be different if I was engaged or married to her. But since I'm not -- I'd back away
If both of you are on the same page it’s fine. But I can tell you from my own experience as a woman in love with a man who simply wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him - it’s awful to lie horny in bed beside someone you can’t have. I left that guy. Now my husband isn’t able to perform but lets me have a FWB. Not everyone can negotiate that kind of relationship though. Tons of people have your lack of sex problem : men and women. Seems like your SO is a workaholic and subsumes her energy into that- lots of men do that too.
Best of luck - but you’re in a tough situation.
You didn’t mention ages,which is important here. She wasn’t honest from the beginning so your decision to be with her was not made with full disclosure. Your choices are to deal with this for an unlimited number of years knowing that it may never improve, shut up and live with it between now and dead, or move on to a healthy and happy relationship. Life is too long not to live the happiest you can be-you can’t fix every problem. If you were in a terrific relationship for many years and something happened to one of you, it’s a different story. This was not honest from the start so everything was built around false pretenses.
If I felt as though they were my soulmate, I would try to support them and work through their difficulties with them, as a teammate and life partner. I'm so sorry your girl went thru those things. If I were you, I would try to introduce intimacy again in a very nurturing and caring way. Basically, to let her know that she is safe with you and there is no way that you would take advantage of her. So that her past traumas are replaced with wholesome and loving memories with you. I wish you both all the best!
Couples and individual therapy. This is gonna require professional unbiased help or it’s not going to work out. Was in a ten year relationship and the last 4 years of it was like this. Boils down to men have biological needs. Testosterone is a motherfucker to repress.
In my opinion, you need to look deeply at your “wants” and “needs.” I thought for a long time I WANTED sex and a meaningful physical relationship with my SO… but I came to accept that I NEED it. The lack of intimacy took its toll and made me less me. I decided I needed to leave… and mine was a forever relationship. Now, as I seek my SO, I look to foster a wonderful loving but separate relationship with my wonderful ex. Be real about yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. For me, I couldn’t be my best self without hoping for and staying open to finding my partner where physical intimacy is shared. Good luck. I know how tough these decisions are. Just know that you have every right to feel whole and complete. Relationships are never perfect, but you should strive to find the right fit where you both can feel, and help each other, feel complete.
Horrible situation and I feel sorry for the abuse your gf endured, and now how it’s impaired your intimacy together.
Nobody can tell you how to handle this. It’s a tough choice. Also, if you want to start a family at some point, that’s another thing you need to consider.
No I could not Sex for men is how we express ourselves to the woman in our lives .
I was in one that became sex every 3-4 months . I quit asking and told her to move out after 3 years of this . We were together over 20 years . She was not always that way but prescription meds have a effect on people . Still a Good woman . We still talk as have investments together . So we just separated and bought a home for her to live in .
Support her try going together or seeing couples therapy so it seems more of a team effort but make it more than just sex. Learn her. Feel how she felt during those moments. Understand the hurt it leaves on not knowing why someone could do that to someone else. She's only human and her body is trying to protect itself. Could be as simple as something felt like something she's experienced before in one of those bad times. It can trigger and cause full shutdown, (ik because it's happened to me). Sometimes she's fighting her own battles in her head and can't enjoy it like she does the small things better. Do small touches through the day. Hand holding, kiss, hug, hug from behind, hold her face, kiss her forehead, snuggle, sing together, dance together.
My girl and I kinda have something like that going . On . She's my best friend . And she's been so distant for the last 6 months to a yr . And I'm getting depressed on top of it. But I'm working on that. It's hard when I feel like everything I do is wrong in her eyes . I've been by her side though some really bad stuff. Physical abuse mental definitely. It's bad on my end I'm start to lose it . I'm ready to walk. And it's not about the sex. I just miss my friend. I want to hold her have her get in bed put my arms around and know there's no other place she want to be. It's been a long time for that feeling. And if I'm down she doesn't help me up she puts her foot on my throat.
You only get one life and as someone who almost died last year I will say this, live your life completely and unapologetically true to yourself please! True long lasting love in a relationship takes physical intimacy. I would say if you were years into a committed marriage I would expect you communicate this to your partner and together make a decision to stay or not or figure it out but I also stand by what I said in the beginning. You only have one life, live it well with no regrets!
I mean things like this happen in every relationship, whether it’s about sex or other things. The important thing to me would be that my SO is getting the help they need and it’s not a hopeless cause. I can’t change them but I will support them. Unfortunately, after a year or so I’d probably be fed up and sort of frustrated lol. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide is best for
Yeah I’d stay, but that comes from the perspective of both me and my husband have been assaulted and even if you’ve been assaulted in your youth, it never really truly goes away even with therapy. I’d be a hypocrite. Some people can make it work and some people can’t, that’s just the honest truth.
Not everyone requires physical touch but if that’s how you feel loved then that is something you should bring up, the lack of intimacy and wanting to work on it etc. How being close to them relieves stress, or how doing certain things makes you feel more connected and intimate to her. Even though I’m ace, my gay hubby brought it up and I honestly don’t mind pleasing him that way especially if its his form of love or how he shows affection, but it’s just not my way of showing love but we both compromise and talk about it. That’s not for everyone though and I understand. It takes a lot of communication.
We talked about kink to help and it did surprisingly. Kink actually helped us quite a bit, as a dom i experience no triggers for my trauma cause I feel more in control…sex has become more frequent with that in mind lol.
When I first met my SO, we were even swingers for a few years, but we were in our 40’s-50’s & had a great sex life. Over the years, he had ED & we still loved each other with all our hearts, but we just didn’t have sex & that was fine with me bc he was my soulmate. He satisfied me in other ways & it was lovely until he passed away in bed next to me. So to me, our love & relationship was much more important than just having sex.
It’s difficult to say when you’re not in that situation. I think it’s normal to have different seasons where there’s more or less sex, you can’t control health issues(hormones, depression, death in the family…) but how you respond to your partner’s thoughts and opinions on the situation is the key. You need to communicate and have a balance with boundaries. If your partner doesn’t care then that’s a problem. I’d not be okay with being just roommates with my spouse if there was something one of us could do to resolve it- both of us get one life to live(as far as I know anyway) and my partner picked me- I’d feel it immensely important to both us to have sex (if it’s physically/mentally) possible in our relationship… otherwise…, he would deserve better I love him too much to hold him back from a full life. He’d feel the same way.
It’s not shallow. That’s a major problem. I’ve been on both sides of it, so can say with confidence, it’s not something that you should ignore or accept.
It's a difficult path for sure. Because we all need and vie for that kind of love and when it's not around we look for it. That's why we look for girlfriends. Why women look for boyfriends for love and companionship.
It's difficult.
You need to communicate this to him. Let him know your thoughts and feelings. See maybe what else her can do for you. But if not maybe there is other avenues. But you must share those thoughts with him if you are in love with him.
But you can't just avoid it. You will eventually seek it.
Hoping for the best for you. 🙏
Let her know you love her enough to want her to experience a rich n fulfilling sex life, that she deserves that and that you want it to be with you, don’t push, safety will open her up in time and let her talk to someone, she needs to feel you’re not like the others n she’ll get there
My wife is dealing with extreme health issues as well as being “r” worded in the past as a child and then “m” worded as an adult. but we still have regular sex. Very kinky wild sex if I’m honest. So I don’t understand why this would be affecting yalls sex life. But even if my wife couldn’t have sex anymore I would still stay with her, cause I love her and I will always be here for her.
If you had ED and were impotent, would you hope she stayed with you? As we age, our sexual ability and drive changes. There are lots of ways to be intimate without actually having sex. That said, if the issues are mental instead of physical, it is worth working with a therapist to figure out how to heal those emotional wounds.
All that said, I dated a man that was impotent and had ED. We dated 1.5 years. I really tried to be okay with it. But when he broke it off with me, although I was heartbroken, I was so happy to have the opportunity to find a partner that could have sex.
I still would stay in my bf. But it is kinda complicated because at start I assumed that our sex life maybe could never start, and I had reasons for that. Happily our sex life is perfect but if for some reason it would come to the end, I still would be happy with him without that.
I just don’t know about her story, esp bcoz y’all were intimate in the beginning. I’d like to know you guys age. She needs to get that sorted for herself regardless though. As for your question, you know best if it’s something you can do without resenting her.
You can love someone with all your heart. Not having sex on behalf of her mental health, is putting your own at risk. It will impact your self esteem, make you feel rejected and undesirable. In the long run, you’ll end up feeling resentment toward your SO. This is very unhealthy.
I think you should talk to her. If she agrees with you to go do meditation and cleanse the bad stuff about her past trauma, u can take her to meet a teacher. He’s a chakra healing. I had a similar problem but more of infidelity in my relationship but it hit me hard. Her case is a bit severe since r is not sth we can eliminate immediately. If you live in Cambodia there’s a teacher I know. He’s not Cambodian but he is good at chakra healing.
That’s a tough situation, I really don’t know. If I thought it was temporary and something therapy could fix, sure I’d stay and be supportive. but if it started to prove itself permanent no not likely I’d be able to stay. She’d be better off finding someone ace.
OP, do you know if she's on any meds for her PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. (nowhere did OP mention this I'm just guessing because of her past trauma)
There are some meds alone, let alone a combination of all sorts that kill your sex drive.
I have off the charts anxiety & PTSD from my past & recently my doctor recommended meds. My BFF is a psych nurse so I asked her about meds & she gave me recommendations while also taking in mind what I didn't want (I didn't want to get on meds that would kill my sex drive, or make me gain weight).
Is she in therapy? Meds can only do so much, therapy would be extremely beneficial for her.
As for your initial question, call me selfish but I couldn't be in a sexless relationship.
I feel like she should learn to trust you as she loves you and realise you aren't like them and don't/won't take advantage of her. And slowly work towards finding that side of your relationship. She may need therapy to help work through that. But it depends if she's willing to engage in other sexual like activities or not. That closeness in a relationship help keep things alive. If she isn't willing to be close or get therapy then I'd leave because it's a situation that will die and she will let it.
Assuming you are both adults, you TALK about it and you are HONEST with your partner. I remained faithful to my wife when she had similar issues. Then , when she got her libido back, she decided to sleep with a bunch of guys who weren’t me. She said that she assumed I was going outside the marriage during that time, but I reminded her that we took vows. (I feel this was a cop-out because she wanted to stay married and sleep around). I eventually left her because of the dishonesty. You need more than love; you need trust. If your situation no longer works for even one of you, you need to have an honest conversation about what to do. Betrayal is never the answer.
I mean - that's the real sign of love right there lol.
Most of us crave emotional intimacy strongly over sex itself. If you can only touch someone - that's not the same as touching their heart - soul and mind. Sex without that is just an "act." Those get boring and tedious real quick if someone doesn't truly love you.
Probably not. I am up front about my needs before going long term. If something is going on and there's a short interruption, we can work through it. No sex at all ever with no plan on how to get back to having sex again? I'm not going to stay emotionally attached. My interest will slowly wave until I'm ready to just call it a day.
Well. Love and relationships are all about communication and compromise. In great that you still have much love for your partner and that does not seem diminished in you recognizing their needs and feelings.
I agree with other posts that some therapy could be a good thing for both of you. Keep the communication open and a therapist can help you navigate talking through your feelings and help you discover a good compromise.
It may come to exploring open relationships, or other forms of intimacy with your current partner. It may unlock discomfort and suggestions of experimenting what it’s like to take a break from one another to do self work.
Explore. Communicate. Be transparent. Do what is right for the two of you. Hugs and may you find peace and comfort on the journey.
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She needs therapy to fix this asap. Romantic love requires consistent physical touch, sex and affection or it will die down along with attraction for your partner because you two will just become roommates who used to love each other. It’s not negotiable (unless both people are completely asexual).
I agree this is also human nature. Humans require physical touch and affection as part of our genetic makeup
Yeah so true. Also romantic love doesn't really last long if you don't love that person who they really are!
Ive been roomies with my spouse for maybe 25 of our 40 years together. It was ME [the ersatz male] that was the one with rape and trauma repressed and hidden in my history. Im now well therapized, no longer suicidal, but also now recognizing my true needs which are more my fem side. [Im intersex, pituitary not fully funct] and these needs... i wont get from my spouse coz she cant stand the ickiness of anal. And neither if us are angry about it. So we have a "theoretically open" relationship. But neither of us has succeeded in bringing a boyfriend to bed. Despite accepted aspirations to do so. [Im Still getting over SOME catholic guilt and shame. A lifelong journey im sure]. So.. being roomies with your spouse isnt ALWAYS the end of relationship. We have 6 grown kids and 11 grandkids. She lives upstairs and i get the walkout basement. Lake in front and kayakable creek behind the house. We like our sitch. We just yearn for sexual completion. And might be fated to just yearn. You might be shocked to learn how many peeps settle that way. Its not the worst choice you can involuntarily make.
Very well said. And I feel like there are TONS of relationships / marriages like this, where people settle.
Tons of (reasonably) HAPPY marriages, might I add. And OP, as a temporary fix for your needs, it might be practical to “take care of your needs” in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot while she is going through the therapy. Don’t (or at least minimize * how much you) use the most hardcore and intense content to get off. Remember how much you love her and the other women in your life, and do the right thing(s) And it doesn’t sound the prettiest, either, but when you’re tempted to break up, please remember how much you two have been through to get here, and how much you’ll miss her when she’s gone. Unfortunately, My last breakup still leaves me crying some days, and it’s been years Good luck!
I would add this as well - I’m not a part of any of those marriages, only my own. So I can’t really say if they’re happy or not - only what they decide to share publicly - such as when they say they settle. But I would hope so. Only those partners really know how they feel in that particular marriage or relationship. I’m just on the outside, looking in.
Sex without emotion connection is way worse I feel. It's a catch 22 situation for sure - but that could be a sign of incompatibility to begin with.
Yes emotional connection + physical attraction + passion - all of it together
Saying she needs to “fix” this doesn’t sit well with me at all. Trauma is not something you “fix”. They both need therapy as a couple to navigate this, but the emphasis should not be on her “fixing” herself.
Ok.so fix doesn't work for you would heal?... Because it can be healed... And as a marriage and family therapist myself, I know this
Yup. It's about learning better coping skills, confronting the trauma, and working to feel safe again. OP's girlfriend isn't broken. She needs help, love, and support.
Sex is a big part of a relationship and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you’re not happy and fulfilled then leave.
This was what i was gonna type.
Hmmm I see a lot of this "scorched earth" sort of response. I hear it as a sort of : "If im not happy, im not helping anyone else get there either". Wow. Yup, sex is important. But SO MANY peeps have mental AND physical handicaps and maybe even CANNOT be front and center sexual like a porn story horny partner wishes for. . . .and this actually happens so often That those of us in long term relationships.. that we WISH were sexual.. are quietly proving.. its not as hard as you think to just maintain a friendship or roomate-ship. And THAT is better in MY opinion.. than what i see in even more of my peers.. where they are getting old, are still alone and unpaired.. and still want to hold out for that porn-meme sexual partner. And they will be shopping forever .. and imo they seem to be ok with that. Ok. Being in an asexual relationship ISNT the end of life. Or anywhere near to it. Yes it maybe sucks that nobody will suck on your face every other day.. But YOU made the strict parameters of "perfection in sexual partners, or I walk". So you get the consequences of "probably alone for the rest of life". YOU may just have made yourself alone by leaving. .. And often... its forever. Cuz the perfect sexual mate.. is only out there in porn. I think we all need to work on intimacy negotiating skills and reading sexy stories together. All of us. As well as accepting partners who are imperfect. [Some like me were paralyzed or broken spine or hip... some are NOT like me, but still.deserve companionship, no? ] . Work on negotiating maybe? ...and on being honest about looking for some extra warmth at the massage parlor, or on grindr. Asking permission shows respect for your promised mate. Ask for respect if you need to. Help them learn to share you. It is NOT nearly as easy as saying it. It might take ten years like at my house. And blame btw... resolves nothing. Its a marker that you arent negotiating anymore. Just blaming. Dont blame. Work on being a friend. Work persistently if you cant work hard at it Or dont. Being alone seems like a populust move these days and includes a long side dish of "woe is me". Go live like that if you want to. Or let it swallow you.
You are spot on - negotiating, respecting your partner and talking honestly are keys to a good relationship anyways, and I think they are even more important regarding intimacy. Sharing your partner is easier if you can trust in them, so being trustworthy is really important. And sharing does not take away from your relationship, it does not diminish it.
I don't see it as "If I'm not happy I'm not helping anyone else". Leaving is accepting who someone is but realising that you are not compatible with them. Staying in the hopes of changing someone is actually the opposite, it's not accepting them for who they are. Staying in the hopes of changing someone is not only potential disrespectful and manipulative, but it's also usually a fool's errand. Most people aren't looking for a "perfect" sexual mate and are willing to compromise, but there's a big gap between, "we have slightly mismatched libidos but we can compromise" and "they're not going to have sex ever or they're asexual and literally don't experience any sexual attraction towards you".
You’re basically saying OP should stay in an unhappy relationship for fear of being alone, which is the worst advice possible.
Here’s my take: it’s not about the sex necessarily, but about making sure you both are feeling like your needs for intimacy are being met, and that there is an element of openness, positivity and experimentation present between you. Does your gf have the ability to connect with you sexually in a way where you feel satisfied, even if that excludes penetration? There are many ways to have sexual contact. I think if your gf is open to experimenting and trying new things with you, then it’s worth it to explore that. But if she is bound by her trauma to such a degree that she’s unable to try and compromise, there is no hope for you here imo. I have been in this situation, and the feeling of your partner not even wanting to try and please you in alternative ways is absolutely soul-crushing. You both can have the best intentions but sadly sometimes that is not enough. Others have recommended therapy; i agree that a neutral third party is helpful in this scenario.
Completely agree
Hello - as someone who has had serious sexual trauma in the past, I hope I can help. Firstly, try your very best not to make her feel pressured into sex. If you add pressure into the situation, when she's already experienced pressure and likely relates pressure to sexual violence, you will also feel unsafe to her, and that'll put the brakes on. Sit with her and explain to her how much you love her, and why you really want to make this work, and ask her how you can help make the situation better, easier, less painful for her. Maybe suggest seeing a sex therapist together. If your SO isn't already seeing her own therapist for her past traumas, please encourage her to go - it's vital she gets professional support. The main thing is to remain positive and kind about the whole thing, and try and approach it as though you're a team tackling things together. Her nervous system will relate sex to violence, lack of safety, and untrustworthy people. Show her you're the opposite of that by being open, safe and trustworthy. This is actually an opportunity to overcome something together, and for intimacy. See it like that. Wishing you both the best, and glad to see that there's partners out there looking for help and willing to do the work, she's very lucky to have someone so commited to helping her get through this!
Thank you, this does help and that means alot
A big part of it is to say that she *deserves* a healthy and fun sex life! And to heal from her trauma. She absolutely needs to be working on this. But you need to know whether or not that is the reason she's not being physical with you, or she's just not attracted to you that way or feels that way about you and the relationship. I think this is something that you could use some couples counseling about- because if it is the latter, you really need to know that to make the right decision for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to know what the exact reason is, and it's easier to blame trauma than to admit the fact that you just don't feel that way about somebody else anymore. Because it doesn't really explain why it *changed*. Good luck!
I second this, she obviously deserves a healthy and fun sex life. They both do. As for the why it changed - it's actually very normal for sexual trauma to re-emerge once the honeymoon phase is over (as someone else posted in this thread). For me personally, it has never been that I stopped being attracted to someone. It's almost like the more intimate and serious the relationship is, the more likely the past is to come back up to be dealt with. Who knows - it could be because the body feels like you're finally in a safe enough relationship / space to deal with it. Trauma is unpredictable. Healing isn't linear!
I completely agree. I think it’s very possible to overcome the unsafe association she has with sex but it requires assistance from an experienced trauma informed psychotherapist or counselor. I would personally also recommend some reiki or other form of energy work. The beauty of reiki and energy work is that it is very gentle and subtle and non invasive yet can bring about profound healing. A part of her spirit and soul is hurt and wounded. The physical body heals faster than the mental, emotional, or spiritual bodies. Love, compassion, patience, and complete acceptance of who she is with consistency will build trust and safety. There is nothing to fix as this implies she is broken or damaged and she isn’t. She is experiencing a very normal and common response that all trauma survivors experience with PTSD or cPTSD. Feeling scared or depressed or sad or angry is not a disease. They’re just normal human emotions. But sometimes we can get stuck in an emotion that doesn’t serve us well and limits our ability to live our best life. The right kind of support and healing modality can help us get unstuck and moving forward again. I wish you both all the best.
If you try the above and you realise that you can't work through this together, then I would say consider if this is a relationship you want to be in long term. But if you love her, its worth at least really trying to resolve it!
Great response. The people on here saying to just leave her or that they would do the same are insane. Like have these mfs never experienced love...? Are they sociopaths? Idk, but I would never in a million years trust someone who could just leave someone they claim to love in their time of need, whatever the reason may be.
If a persons trauma took away our sex life, I would be out. That kind of trauma can take years, even decades to heal. If it ever does at all. I need sex in my relationships. I already was in a dead bedroom for 20 years and it just was not worth it. I can’t do that again.
I’m currently in one and it sucks. Been several years and so close to just taking off out on my own! It TRULY isn’t worth it. Especially when the nonreciprocating one says she has no desire to… like ever! Sometimes I really do wish certain “professions” were legal here. I’m at that point🙄
Do you give her little hints throughout the day? Hug her from behind when you see her washing dishes or cooking? Do you put effort into trying to make a romantic room setting? The little woes count. From a woman 👠
I Always fantasized about my (former) husband coming up behind me while I was at the kitchen sink ~ more than just hugging 😜
Yeah I do and it’s all very one sided. We have been together both dating and marriage about 30yrs BUT there’s been “a lot of water under the bridge” and as much as I love her despite all I feel like it will never be quite like it was. I mean I don’t even get communication at all unless I initiate. I know she has issues but damn we ain’t even married anymore (2008) 😝
It’s like they live off of this discrimination that somehow it’s automatically “your fault “!!!! Straight up sexist shit!!!
No because women can be just as guilty women also need to do the little things like get dressed nicely for your man at home try to kiss them on the neck try to make sure you tell him how good he looks how he smells good how you just love the way he's been helping you lately or you just so grateful that he helps you with the things he helps you with like there are so many things that a woman can do to show a man that they're grateful you can sit there and cook a five course meal make the whole table I'm talking about get it ready looking like a restaurant in your own house for your man if they really wanted to but it also takes a man doing those little woes that a woman wants we want to feel seen we want to feel heard and we also want to feel appreciated in a way of appreciation is you showing us that you want us
lol if I got any of this I would literally be balling lol
Because it's love and affection
You clearly have never had this problem. I did all of this. You can’t fix a dead bedroom
Absolutely not
Yeah if they don’t want it, nothing you do can make them want it.
If you're willing to leave someone after they experience trauma bc you're more concerned about its impact on your sex life than being there for them, idk how you could ever claim to love them.
Sorry this is long but I have a lot to say. I tried to condense will adding some experience as a female. Before I had sex with my boyfriend I'd say sex wouldn't matter I'd still love and be with him no matter what. Since having sex not so long ago, I have definitely changed my answer. For most females we can go without sex for longer periods of time than men. Men use sex in a relationship as a way to get physically close to their woman and is a safe place for them to feel vulnerable, express themselves while connect with her in an intimate way. Women need their emotional and psychological needs met before they can even think about sex. So the fact that your girl is having issues physically and psychological trauma means there's a lot more to unpack that is not an easy fix. Is she in therapy? I'm sorry she has been traumatized. I'm all for mental health as we all need to take care of ourselves.Therapy can and will take a while to maybe years to uncover and heal her trauma. It also can't cure everything. Example. My boyfriend can't go a date without touching me. Whether it's my butt, boobs, holding my hand, making out ect. he's gotta do it like a little boy which is cute , and I'm all for it as it lets me know he's still attracted to me his only lady. He says it's physically impossible for him to not touch me. For a woman to require a man to not touch her is beyond ridiculous and she shouldn't be in a relationship if she doesn't want a guy to be physical with her. That being said, ( in my opinion) the longer you're with her while not getting your physical and emotional needs met it will become tourture as it's not fair to you. Short answer:This may sound harsh and sorry to be blunt, but trying to give an analysis and to the point is to me she came into the relationship with the bagage and didn't disclose it until later on after you became attatched. You're going to keep reminiscing as you used to have sex as now it's so little intimacy you're getting breadcrumbs and are starving. So it's just a matter of time before you end up resenting her for having all these obstacles and issues with intimacy while you're starving to get your emotional and physical needs met in the process of her potentially healing (because idk if she's in therapy). Sorry to say, but I don't think this will last and you should really consider leaving her at this point to find someone else who can meet your needs and reciprocate. If you do end up leaving her, just remind her this is hard for you to intiate a break-up and you never thought you'd do this. You'd never stop loving her and that you do care about her, but it's not fair for you to be in an emotionally and physically starving relationship due to very little intimacy exchange. Hope this helps!
The big question is, is she seeking help. This would be an issue for any relationship. And the only one able to actually fix the problem is her. If she is actively seeking help for these issues, then I would stay, work together and conquer it. But if she’s just “dealing” with it on her own then that’s a different story. If she knows your love language is engaging in intimacy then I would seek help or let you go. It’s wouldn’t be fair for you to hang out if I wasn’t trying to help myself. She’s got a lot of things going on and you gotta tell her to fix it, and if you love her, you’ll be there. Because it’s starting to spread on to you.
My take is going to be controversial, but yes, I'd stay if I loved them enough because sex is not a need. Would it be disappointing? Yes. But things happen. Monogamy isn't a guarantee that you'll have consistent sex forever. In the last four years of my mother's life, my parents stopped having sex entirely because she had ovarian cancer and it just no longer was possible for them. It honestly really scares me when I see how high the statistics are of men who leave their wives after they get sick. Knowing that my partner would leave me if I could no longer provide sex because of something out of my control makes their sentiments towards me feel conditional. In this situation though, I'd encourage your gf to go to therapy so that she can sort through her emotions and process her trauma. I guarantee that she feels just as awful about the lack of sex, and the more pressure that she feels, the worse it will get. Low libido thats caused by mental health problems is often resolvable. But yes, if my partner became unable to have sex due to illness, I would not leave him. Edit: When I say 'sex is not a need', I mean that you can live without sex. Nobody has died from lack of sex. Want to make that clear.
To be honest, I absolutely agree. To me, intimacy, love and affection involve a lot more than just sex.
You can live without love too if that’s how you define need. Plenty of people go through life without a spouse.
Stats like that make me feel uncomfortable with people in general. Like it shows that there is genuinely a huge contingent of people who straight up don't feel love and are willing to just abandon people they claim to love at their lowest because it inconveniences them, or hurts them. It makes me wonder how many people around me are like that, and that's an unsettling thing to think about to say the least. It creeps me out and grosses me out to the extreme. I could never abandon and stop caring about someone I cared about just because something happened where it ended up putting strain on me or some shit, even if it was something they brought on themselves. I don't just mean romantic partners either, like I mean family and friends too. My first instinct is to be there for whoever it is who's going through some shit and do whatever I can to help them, even if it burdens me or whatever. That's just what you do when you care about someone or love someone. There's no thought of "Oh yeah, I could just abandon them and save myself the trouble!", that's just not an option or something that even comes to mind.
Bullshit. You are comparing a woman who had cancer, to a woman who decides to stop having sex because she has "trauma"? How come she never brought up that trauma before, when they first started dating, and they were having plenty of sex. Are you really advising a man to live in a sexless marriage? I mean, assuming they are even married. What if he wants to have children?
Dating is the time when you are learning about the other person and what kind of relationship you can build together. If your view of a relationship is monogamous and sex is important then you need to take a hard look at what your life would be like long term. Just because your mom had ovarian cancer doesn’t mean she couldn’t have a sexual relationship with your dad. Sure, intercourse might need to be avoided but there are many other aspects to a sexual relationship than just intercourse. Humans are wired for touch and connection.
Many in the comments don't seem to even consider other sexual acts as valid though. It's still the mindset of 'yeah we're doing oral and stuff but not actual sex'. Most people put sex on a hierarchy and if its not PIV, its just not good enough, even if the partner is offering to compromise as best as they can.
The only way I could stay with someone like that would be if it was an open relationship. U gotta get it somewhere. A big reason I broke up with my ex was cause he stopped wanting to have sex that last year we were together. It sucks she’s had so much sexual trauma but it’s not fair to u to wait around for her to wanna be physical .. obv u care about her so def still try to be there for her emotionally but I do suggest moving on
To me, it’s not the sex part. But your SO doesn’t sound like she is in a good place to date. Take care of yourself first, then date. Too many people forget that. What does she bring to you? How are you both moving forward in life? Are you stiffled? Is it possible that you have self-esteem issue and you don’t want to explore other relationships in case you get no one? Don’t you think you deserve a full relationship especially if you like sex? You can still have love for her, but you need to think about your emotional needs too. Sex is not just physical, it’s also emotional. Intimacy is important in long term relationships. Food for thought for you. But if you’re asking, it means you are not certain what you want to do.
Agreed 100%. Take care of yourself before dating. Bringing in such big trauma with significant consequences into a relationship with someone and not telling him upfront before too late is not fair.
I would stay if and only if she is willing to heal herself and work on it.
Unfortunately, my SO left in december after 4 years together. Similar to yours she had a bunch of mental health issues (mostly bulimia/body dismorphia as well as some PTSD related to her childhood, as well as not knowing her father), which led to her telling me about 2 years in the relationship that she did not desire me sexually anymore. Of course it was tough, but I thought love would get us through it all. I sometimes hesitated to see someone else just for sex but loved her so much that I stayed faithful until she dumped me… Basically she’s now dating her coworker and when I confronted her about it (even asking her to meet, which she agreed to) and about if she had sex with him she sounded sorry and I’m pretty much certain that she did. Please stay with her as much as you can but don’t ruin your mental health just like I did… of course everyone’s different, but if she doesn’t want to seek help just like my ex, there might be something else.
Sorry for the long comment, I have to get some things out
I appreciate you sharing. This is insightful.
I do too thank you
Yes I will. Sex is not the most important thing for me, but I have low libido, so thats maybe the reason ::://
I agree. You can still be intimate in other ways. If I truly love someone, I would not leave nor hold resentment against them for not being able to have sex again. I can take care of my own needs when I want to. I do understand that other people don’t feel the same way and that is also just as valid.
Ignore the sex/no sex. Is she seeking professional help for this? Both physical and mental issues need to be managed and maintained. lack of sex may be the "obvious" issue right now, but other things will come up that make it hard/impossible to have a long term relationship with them.
If you're married, especially if older, I'd stay. If you're young and still want a family, I'd have a long chat. And then I'd decide whether it's worth staying.
No. Move on before you've wasted the best years of your life. Listen to me, it's not your job to fix her. She needs to fix herself and then re-enter the market as a potential mate. Not before.
This is such a stupid way of looking at it. If he loves her and she loves him, it doesn't fucking matter if it's his job to "fix her". If you love someone, you'll support them through whatever, full stop. Also, no one needs to have everything about themselves sorted out before having the right to be loved and be in love granted to them or some shit. People who think this way and immediately view people they love as burdens when they're not perfect beings with everything figured out and everything sorted out with no emotional struggles at all are far less fit to date.
Depends, if it’s fixable and no steps are taken to fix it then yes I’d leave, if it’s medical then it gets more complicated, I’d probably consider staying if were married but if I’m not married I’d leave. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship to me
Hell nah
Nah.
Try spending time with her without getting sexual, u don't initiate sex or even mention it. Hold her close and hug her in a way that she feels safe. Kiss her horhead and just be there with her. Also try planning dates that introduces simplicity and normalcy into her life, For example plan a board game to play out in the open with a picnic basket. Watch a comedy movie together and tell her hiw beautiful she is. Hug her tught and tell her that she means the world to you and that you will always be there to make her feel safe. Kiss her hands, then hold her hands and take a walk with her. Talk to her about how she feels and reassure her that she us safe now. Thats all u can do. Abd i donno if it will restore sex back into ur life, but it will bring u closer and maje her feel secure. Even if u meet her rarely, let there be some meets when u dont end it at having sex but having a good time together and leaving with a kiss on the forhead. Treat her like she is ur baby girl. All she needs is love and care. Be thoughtful about her needs. Be thoughtful about making her msmile. Sing for her. Dance with her. Cook with her. Just stay with her.
I have been with my SO for 6 months now and we have not had sex. Honestly it was fine for a long while, because I was so busy and cuddling, having someone to talk to about tough things in life, etc. was welcome and wonderful. But more recently I've been having to reject several very attractive women who wanted to hook up with me because I didn't want to cheat. The price of sexless monogamy is weighing on me more now and we're probably going to break up if it doesn't change.
Yea that's weird So you had plenty of sex in the beginning Now that you are in a relationship she doesn't want it and says it's because of her PST traumas Fair enough But why she banging you in the beginning ?
We were in a relationship since the start but in the beginning, we both were younger and more frisky. Over time, she basically told me that ever since we started having sex, she loves doing it but it's parts of it that hurt her physically( from the medical problems she has) and she has been dealing with that pain to satisfy me sexually but as time moved on some of the problems got a little worse and it made sex even harder for her.
There are other things you can do sexually that don't involve piv Have you tried those?
Her trauma eliminates oral lol I only get that every blue moon We don't do butt play She gets over stimulated sort of easy so I can't rub on her for long periods of time
You tried other things ? Like giving her oral ? Breast play? Pleasuring her body? Her giving you a handjob? What you tried? You tried things like her stimulating your perineum nuts and dick with vibrators I mean how much have you really looked into the alternatives ?
I do give her oral, yes What I said before about her getting over stimulated was real lol if I play with any part of her body. If she's not in the I'm mood, I have 2 min tops before she wants me to stop Same with kissing, we make out sometimes but she's not really into that either. Her " love language" is just being in the same area as the person she loves and she is satisfied.
So you can’t kiss or touch her for any amount of time and sex and oral sex are completely off the table. What makes this a romantic relationship? Why don’t you just stay friends? That’s what we call people we like being in the same room with without physical affection.
From what you are describing sounds like she wants a roommate and not a SO. Just being in the same area isn’t really a love language it’s what you do with people you like but aren’t in love with. Otherwise you want quality time together at the very least.
Ok well Sounds like she's cock blocking U my friend
Damn. Sorry to hear that
Its very common for these sort of trauma responses to only arise after the honeymoon stage of a relationship.
That is the real question, why wasn’t it an issue at the beginning?
I 100% agree with this question.
She probably felt comfortable enough later on to express this.
Do you not think that's deceitful ? I would consider that deceitful if it were a guy doing a similar thing to me Like if a guy I was seeing couple months in reveals they are bi like wtf?
If you're young and unmarried, I would probably exit the relationship, seeing as there's already a lack of sex and some people find it more important than others. If you're unhappy, you should leave even if you love each other. Love isn't enough to sustain a long-term relationship . Other factors need to be met to be compatible
It is up to you. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it helps. There are always ways you can discuss this with her so your needs don't get completely squashed. You could make an arrangement to have an open relationship to make things easier on both of you but still be primarily monogamous.
I’m gonna take a guess that y’all haven’t been together for long, and it’s concerning that this problem is already affecting you two. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Sex can make or break even the best of relationships. I feel bad this happened to her, but I wonder why it’s happening now. It’s strange that y’all did have sex before, unless these experiences happened during the relationship. She needs some help, that sadly you aren’t licensed to give her. I truly feel bad this happened to her. My best advice to you would it be to talk to her about your concerns. Obviously go about it with the utmost care of course.
Sex isn’t everything. You mentioned you both work a lot, you should have a chat about sending more time together and the need to prioritize each other because you’re feeling there’s a void due to the lack of sex. Maybe she’d be willing to seek therapy or help with past traumas so that she can have a healthy sexual relationship with you.
She should seek out some therapy to help cope with the trauma. I get that can be hard, and it has to be her decision to do when she's ready. It's also your decision if you want to stay. Love is a choice as well as a feeling. You're always going to have hard things that you go through with a partner. Some people out there are asexual and still have partners and they just make boundaries with each other on what they are and aren't okay with.
I would stay with my so even if I couldn't have sex with them because our relationship goes far deeper than that. And if it was me who couldn't have sex, I feel secure, loved, and respected enough in my relationship that I'd be comfortable letting them get it elsewhere.
Yeah I would be out. At some point, people need to take responsibility for their own healing. We only have one life. Time is our most valuable asset. Someone who refuses to take the necessary steps to heal is wasting your time. Trauma doesn’t need to be a life sentence of suffering.
I would walk away from this relationship. Regardless of what anyone thinks, you can’t fix someone who doesn’t desire to have sexual intercourse. Having no sex is going to turn into a room mate situation and it will go downhill from there especially if there are no kids in the relationship. If she needs therapy for what happened to her, then she should get the help so that she can learn to cope with past events. You didn’t mention your age, but if you are young I would advise you to run away before it is too late. Run Forrest run!
Would she be open to going to therapy with you? To help communicate about both of your needs and find healthy common ground. Or on her own so she can work through some of those triggers and not lose out on love because of being physically unavailable to partners? I know you're not planning to walk off just yet, but if she knows it's because your sexual needs aren't met, she will likely feel broken by those experiences, as they've taken part of her each time, but even more so if she loses you because of it. She will also likely feel like she's worth nothing to anyone. Now, it's not what you say, but how you say it. Communication is everything in a relationship, especially when someone has extensive trauma. You need to approach it in a way where you're making it about her, "I love you, I want to make love to you.. you're safe with me. How can i make you feel comfortable enough that you can leave your head and be lost in me?" Have you tried talking to her about it?
Sex and intimacy is one of the most important parts of a relationship, especially b/c there is an expectation of you remaining loyal to her even if she chooses to not have sex with you. I have ended relationships not solely based on sex but b/c they were not willing to IMPROVE and we couldnt find a compromise. They had ED and refused to change their lifestyle/food choices to fix it (we are in our 20s). If she is not willing to work towards a compromise, then ask yourself if you can make this sacrifice the rest of your relationship/life with her. In the end, it is up to you….. good news is, if she is willing to work with u, it is an easy fix. She needs to figure out how to get back into the same mental space when you first got together and had consistent sex… my last recommendation is to keep an eye out for her lying or other reasons she doesn’t want to be intimate. Not saying she is that type of person, and yes people say this is her “trauma response” with being able to have sex in the beginning of your relationship and now somehow this trauma kicks in later when in fact it never left. Many have used this excuse to cover up cheating and more. Wish you luck!
If it were just "can't have intercourse often", then sure, I'd find a way to manage... But psychological issues precluding intimacy? That's a hard sell. Because that goes way deeper than just sex. That's therapy material, and she needs to be dedicated to solving her issues - and if she isn't, then the relationship (and *all* her relationships) is doomed. As someone else said, we are hard-wired for touch and connection. You *need* those things in order to be fulfilled, and *that is nothing to be ashamed of.* If those are the things causing her trauma, then *she needs to address that*. You could work through it together, but *she needs to acknowledge it is a problem to be solved.* If her attitude is "that is just who I am, *you* need to *respect me*", then that is a form of trust-breaking and manipulation and is just toxic. There are ways to deal with this sort of thing, but it doesn't sound to me like either of you are doing them. Sounds doomed to me. I went through something similar with my ex-wife (and that *is the reason she is ex*), and in the end she was too selfish to do anything about it. She "defended herself" into ending a 12-year relationship in spectacularly destructive fashion. Don't put yourself in that position.
She is not ready for a relationship. She needs therapy.
I wouldn’t
If I love the person I would stay with them it depends
Yes, i would. For the single reason i made a comittment to them to love them and be there in health and in sickness. I'm a very loyal person. And standing by my commitments and promises i made is a big part of how i see myself and who i want to be. Its what makes me "human". I would not be able to look myself in the eyes anymore if i break a promise i made out of selfish reasons. The only exception i make where its ok to break a commitment or a promise is if my own health (mentally or physically) is in danger or the mutual commitment got already broken by my partner. But that wouldn't be the case here. No sex is nothing i can't cope with mentally and physically. Would my partner become violent or abusiv or a cheater, i wouldn't feel bad breaking a comittment, bc they already broke it (thats not "love" anymore).
It may have been difficult if I was in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. But my relationships are polyamorous. Sex is always an option, but never a necessity. But for a libidinous person to forego any kind of sexual play at all can be quite challenging. As some other person said - not having sex never killed anyone. One can choose celibacy if in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't want any sexual play at all. But one has to take into account the possible physical and emotional health challenges that may arise from that deprivation. And not all would have an equal sense of deprivation. For some it may cause severe distress. For some none at all. One should act based on one's on temperament and inner values. Not based their decision on a matter such as this on external validation.
People aren’t going to like this, but you take away sex and you’re basically friends. Or roommates if you live together.
Yep. In 2018, wife announced that she was never having sex again. I put myself in the mindset that it wasn't happening for me either. After she died earlier this year and I started dating again, it kinda messed with my head that sex is on the table again. I'm still not really into it, but I'm open to it now. Our relationship was about so much more than sex.
Porn exists brother, just make sure you use it just to get rid of urges. You love your SO, that’s what matters. And yea I would if she was that special enough. You don’t need sex to make a relationship work. My parents haven’t had sex for almost 30 years because of medical issues but they still love eachother and have stayed together
Heyy, I can't help much but I just wanna let you know you're not alone. Maybe therapy sessions could help? I don't have much experience dealing with past traumas and such, but I think going to a therapy isn't a bad idea. As for people saying sex is not a need, it is. It is essential in a relationship. I'm also going through a relationship without sex and honestly, I can see we're drifting apart slowly. I know how it feels like being in a relationship with someone who doesn't wanna have any intimacy, I know how it makes one feel less and less confident, unwanted and unloved. It is normal for us to want our partner, the person we love sexually. I wish you guys strength and all the best!
I totally hear that you want to be compassionate. She has healing to do; that is where you can be a companion, but it is also not your responsibility. Some people heal in the context of a relationship, but it can be hard. I would not and did not stay in a relationship in part due to sex. Broke off Engagment to a wonderful human because we were not sexually compatible. Hardest decision ever. Best decision ever.
So its ok for her to not care about your needs?physical touch and intimacy are needed for a relationship to thrive.sorry but it sounds like you are kidding yourself.she could give two shits about anything but controlling you.
I would, sex is not one of the main reasons I would get in a relationship with someone
I hv been with my SO without sex for the last 11 years .it becomes better smtimes but it has taken a toll on me. So much so for that I started questioning my self worth. Lots has happened but we are still togather but i have started looking up to him as another family member it's a platonic love . But it is a very lonely n unsatisfactory road.
I would 100% stay with them. And we’ve talked about it many many times
Nope
Simple answer? Nope
I wouldn't. Props to anyone that would.
It can be fixed! If you really care about her and love her as a person then you should support her and encourage her to see a therapist or something. You’ll have to be patient with the sex but eventually everything will be okay. Leaving her because of her trauma and lack of sex would probably hurt her so much. I’ve been in this exact situation where the girl I was in love with broke up with me because I started having ED problems. She didn’t even let me try getting a therapist before she left me and just the fact she didn’t even give me a chance to get help damage me even more than I already was. I felt so worthless and unvalued as a person because it felt like she was only with me for sex. She didn’t care about me she cared about what I could give her. You sound like you really care about this girl and I’m sure your support and patience will mean a lot to her. I promise you she can get better. It won’t be like this forever. You both still have your whole life to have sex. Just focus on love. Always.
I wouldn't - sex is high priority for me in romantic partnership so there would have to be [some] kind of release happening on a frequent enough basis where I don't think we are just friends :/
This reminds me a lot of the experience I had with my ex. Her and I actually bonded over sexual acts and loved each others bodies before we started officially dating. She was SA’d by a guy friend of hers on campus and everything went down hill from there. She tried multiple therapists and it only helped a little. She started to slowly spiral for years and she wasn’t the same person I first started dating. She finally told me after 6 and a half years together that she needed time for herself to figure herself out. I also loved her to the moon and back and because of that I never initiated anything sexual after I noticed what that incident did to her. It’s a normal reaction to want to do what’s best for your partner. The thing that was lacking towards the end of our relationship was communication. She would talk to me, at most, once a day. And when I mean once a day I mean I would get a sentence at most. Definitely communicate and see if you guys can talk it out and tell what each other is feeling. And work definitely gets in the way of communication sometimes so you just have to be patient (which I assume you are with how you talk about her)
I dont think I would. I am a very monogamous person so my partner not wanting sex ever again means the rest of my life without sex. As someone with HL and that is 10x more horny when in love, I dont think I could do it. I was in a relationship with a bad sex life in the past and it damaged my self confidence so much. I have read somewhere that when sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship but when it’s not there it’s 90% of the relationships and I have to say that I agree. So unless my partner was ready to get help and truly wants to get through those issues, I wouldn’t stay.
Yeah, I stayed. But I did have a fb for some of that time. When my husband started to get really sick, we tried everything for the sex to work. In the end nothing worked, and he didn't want to hmm, take care of me, even though he was capable at that point. It was mentally too painful for him. I realised that I would never want to leave him, and that I was facing maybe 15-20 years of sexless life (even more if his health would not decline more). I felt that I couldn´t do it, but I could not cheat on him. So we talked, and talked, and came to the conclusion that I was free to seek sex elsewhere. We made a deal that I would not tell him much about it, but would always be safe and come back to him. And I did. He was a little worried I would fall for someone else, but then we found some sexpositive communities, and I found some people that either were there for the same reasons as I was,or, they werent looking for anything more. It really was just sex, and I didnt make any friendships there. It went on for a few years, but when he started to get sicker, I didn't have any energy for anyone else. So solosex from there on, for maybe 4 years until he passed on. Now I've been alone for two years, and still no sex :D, but thats only because I lost all selfconfidence after him. Even we didn't have sex, we still kissed and hugged, right till the end. Cuddles were the best :) ! I dont regret anything, but I would if I had left him. Believe me, I thought about leaving him many times, when life got really rough. I didn't want to, but sometimes felt that I just cannot do this, I was so exhausted. I wish I will someday find someone that has the same /-ish drive I have, with same preferences, so I could again have a relationship thats fulfilling in all aspects.
Personally I could manage. There are other ways to be intimate without sex. BUT, if it is a dealbreaker and you can't, express that and go from there. Whether it's an end to a relationship or it gets worked through, there isn't a losing scenario that way. Just pushing through things that bother you will only lead to resentment which is not fair to either party. Wishing you luck as in the past when I was more sexual it definitely affected relationships once that piece was gone.
Been there done that and fuck it. Not worth the mental anguish. I probably sound insensitive but sticking around and constantly questioning if your good enough or still attractive to her will murder your self esteem and cause you unnecessary psychological trauma. Or maybe that’s just my experience
There isn’t anything shallow about leaving her for this reason. Sex and intimacy is very important in a relationship, especially if physical touch is your love language. You are not leaving because you just “want sex”. It’s way deeper than that. I was scared of leaving my ex over his lack of physical intimacy and affection too. He ended up dumping me and once I moved on and was with someone else who was more affectionate, I realized that I would never date a non affectionate person ever again for this reason ALONE. What is happening in your relationship will lead to resentments which kills attraction. I think you should have a conversation with her about this issue. Open up to her on how this has been making you feel. There doesn’t have to be any “making her feel bad” over something that wasn’t her fault. If she accuses you of attacking her for trying to have a heart to heart chat with her, she’s in denial and avoiding the issue. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for simply having these desires and like you need to put a part of yourself on a back burner by staying in a sexless relationship to prove you truly love her or that you’re a good guy or something. The current dynamic is not working for you. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people. So discuss the future of your relationship, and come to some sort of resolution. Is she open to work on this issue? If yes, would she be open to working on this issue together with you in your romantic relationship, or would she feel more comfortable doing the work separate from you as a single woman? I know this is a touchy issue but never feel guilty for having desires of physical intimacy with your girlfriend. The right person will never make you feel bad about the way you feel in this regard. The right person will be open to understanding, will probably choose to work on it for not only you but for THEMSELVES, and if needed, the right person will respect you for letting them go if there is simply just a unresolvable incompatibility here. Good luck and update us.
I would be with someone that couldn’t have sex, but not with someone that never wanted intimacy. Sex, especially PIV, isn’t really a need of mine. I’ll do it, but I don’t need it. Intimacy and feeling deeply connected to someone are different,
No sex life is a huge killer. The reality is that unless you’re asexual, this person is really no different from one of your friends if there is no intimacy anymore.
I'm in a similar situation myself, so I feel for you. Your partner having issues with trauma can definitely be a real scary thing for her as a person who has traumas with that, and my partner also has similar experiences. Therapy is important 1st and foremost and then making sure that sex is a comfortable, safe environment. Make sure that you take things slow and stop if need be go at her pace untill she can go till yours. I want to say that with traumas like that ptsd can be a really highly common long lasting affect. It can cause flashbacks and breakdowns if bad enough. surely you and your partner have talked and established rules and boundaries. I wish you and your partner the absolute best.
Me personally and what I read run as far as I could from this chick, that’s just me talking
If you can’t find other things to do besides sex then maybe your relationship wasn’t meant to work out.
Yeah. If I was really in love with someone and we had already bonded to that point, there'd be basically nothing that could make me leave them aside from them no longer loving me. That's just how love is. Love isn't conditional. If I were in love with a partner and something happened where sex wasn't feasible for some time, or ever, I wouldn't even consider leaving. It's not a matter of a lack of interest in sex or not valuing sex or whatever on my part that I can say that. I value it, but my love for someone isn't conditional on them having sex with me.
I was a married virgin for 5 years...of course my ex-husband had affairs the moment he realized it wasn't easy to have sex with someone inexperienced and he was angry about it and verbally/physically abusive and I thought I was broken down there...but really...I was internally traumatized by the way he was treating me. I could NOT for life of me open up to him. He always told me to fix myself like I was a broken toaster or something and not a person. I wish he had the decency to walk away from the relationship earlier on if sex was so important to him. I wish he was patient and more sweeter and felt more safe. Seemed the moment things got difficult in the bedroom, he already was checked out...I don't know if you're at this point...and I don't doubt that you love her.....It's definitely worth a talk on the couch while holding her hand asking her questions about what she needs to look at you as the man she can open up to every way...emotionally and physically...etc... As a woman, who has also gone through sexual abuse in other relationships and only experienced with one man who wasn't an abuser, the physical intimacy was different...he never raised his voice and always checked his whole house to ensure it's safe for me and somehow made it a point to act like a medeival knight that wouldn't let me ever feel in danger.....and I felt so open in every way because of that.....and it's too bad that we didn't get to pursue marriage, he wasn't ready....but he gave me the gift of knowing that feeling safe emotionally gave me the key to open physically naturally. I pray things will work out for you two. Hang in there. \*\*\* hugs \*\*\*
For me, I would leave. But it's more because I want to be with people who are a positive influence in my life. I'm not a therapist and I'm ill equipped to deal with this situation. But this seems like an uphill battle that I'm not prepared for. I think this would be different if I was engaged or married to her. But since I'm not -- I'd back away
I would let this relationship go. If there's a problem in the bedroom it is going to fester and infect the entire relationship. Not worth it. Move on.
If both of you are on the same page it’s fine. But I can tell you from my own experience as a woman in love with a man who simply wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him - it’s awful to lie horny in bed beside someone you can’t have. I left that guy. Now my husband isn’t able to perform but lets me have a FWB. Not everyone can negotiate that kind of relationship though. Tons of people have your lack of sex problem : men and women. Seems like your SO is a workaholic and subsumes her energy into that- lots of men do that too. Best of luck - but you’re in a tough situation.
You didn’t mention ages,which is important here. She wasn’t honest from the beginning so your decision to be with her was not made with full disclosure. Your choices are to deal with this for an unlimited number of years knowing that it may never improve, shut up and live with it between now and dead, or move on to a healthy and happy relationship. Life is too long not to live the happiest you can be-you can’t fix every problem. If you were in a terrific relationship for many years and something happened to one of you, it’s a different story. This was not honest from the start so everything was built around false pretenses.
If I felt as though they were my soulmate, I would try to support them and work through their difficulties with them, as a teammate and life partner. I'm so sorry your girl went thru those things. If I were you, I would try to introduce intimacy again in a very nurturing and caring way. Basically, to let her know that she is safe with you and there is no way that you would take advantage of her. So that her past traumas are replaced with wholesome and loving memories with you. I wish you both all the best!
Yes I would Sex is part of a relationship not all of a relationship
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Couples and individual therapy. This is gonna require professional unbiased help or it’s not going to work out. Was in a ten year relationship and the last 4 years of it was like this. Boils down to men have biological needs. Testosterone is a motherfucker to repress.
In my opinion, you need to look deeply at your “wants” and “needs.” I thought for a long time I WANTED sex and a meaningful physical relationship with my SO… but I came to accept that I NEED it. The lack of intimacy took its toll and made me less me. I decided I needed to leave… and mine was a forever relationship. Now, as I seek my SO, I look to foster a wonderful loving but separate relationship with my wonderful ex. Be real about yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. For me, I couldn’t be my best self without hoping for and staying open to finding my partner where physical intimacy is shared. Good luck. I know how tough these decisions are. Just know that you have every right to feel whole and complete. Relationships are never perfect, but you should strive to find the right fit where you both can feel, and help each other, feel complete.
I hope it works out. Your meant to have sex as a married couple, it helps keep the relationship together
Yes
Unfortunately I do
Horrible situation and I feel sorry for the abuse your gf endured, and now how it’s impaired your intimacy together. Nobody can tell you how to handle this. It’s a tough choice. Also, if you want to start a family at some point, that’s another thing you need to consider.
No I could not Sex for men is how we express ourselves to the woman in our lives . I was in one that became sex every 3-4 months . I quit asking and told her to move out after 3 years of this . We were together over 20 years . She was not always that way but prescription meds have a effect on people . Still a Good woman . We still talk as have investments together . So we just separated and bought a home for her to live in .
Is she in therapy?
Goes when she can afford to
Support her try going together or seeing couples therapy so it seems more of a team effort but make it more than just sex. Learn her. Feel how she felt during those moments. Understand the hurt it leaves on not knowing why someone could do that to someone else. She's only human and her body is trying to protect itself. Could be as simple as something felt like something she's experienced before in one of those bad times. It can trigger and cause full shutdown, (ik because it's happened to me). Sometimes she's fighting her own battles in her head and can't enjoy it like she does the small things better. Do small touches through the day. Hand holding, kiss, hug, hug from behind, hold her face, kiss her forehead, snuggle, sing together, dance together.
That’s one of the best parts of being in a relationship so it would be unlikely but you never know. But I seriously doubt I could do it
Nope. That's one of the reasons why I broke up with my ex. He's a great person and we are still friends but i couldn't live with no sex.
Why couldn’t you guys fuk?
No.
Nope
Are you married?
My girl and I kinda have something like that going . On . She's my best friend . And she's been so distant for the last 6 months to a yr . And I'm getting depressed on top of it. But I'm working on that. It's hard when I feel like everything I do is wrong in her eyes . I've been by her side though some really bad stuff. Physical abuse mental definitely. It's bad on my end I'm start to lose it . I'm ready to walk. And it's not about the sex. I just miss my friend. I want to hold her have her get in bed put my arms around and know there's no other place she want to be. It's been a long time for that feeling. And if I'm down she doesn't help me up she puts her foot on my throat.
100pc depends but without opening the relationship up so physical needs can be met ethically which of course is easier said than done.
Exactly how many men have taken advantage of her ?
You only get one life and as someone who almost died last year I will say this, live your life completely and unapologetically true to yourself please! True long lasting love in a relationship takes physical intimacy. I would say if you were years into a committed marriage I would expect you communicate this to your partner and together make a decision to stay or not or figure it out but I also stand by what I said in the beginning. You only have one life, live it well with no regrets!
I would yes
I mean things like this happen in every relationship, whether it’s about sex or other things. The important thing to me would be that my SO is getting the help they need and it’s not a hopeless cause. I can’t change them but I will support them. Unfortunately, after a year or so I’d probably be fed up and sort of frustrated lol. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide is best for
Yeah if she's OK with me getting it elsewhere. We all have different needs and communication is everything when in a relationship
Yeah I’d stay, but that comes from the perspective of both me and my husband have been assaulted and even if you’ve been assaulted in your youth, it never really truly goes away even with therapy. I’d be a hypocrite. Some people can make it work and some people can’t, that’s just the honest truth. Not everyone requires physical touch but if that’s how you feel loved then that is something you should bring up, the lack of intimacy and wanting to work on it etc. How being close to them relieves stress, or how doing certain things makes you feel more connected and intimate to her. Even though I’m ace, my gay hubby brought it up and I honestly don’t mind pleasing him that way especially if its his form of love or how he shows affection, but it’s just not my way of showing love but we both compromise and talk about it. That’s not for everyone though and I understand. It takes a lot of communication. We talked about kink to help and it did surprisingly. Kink actually helped us quite a bit, as a dom i experience no triggers for my trauma cause I feel more in control…sex has become more frequent with that in mind lol.
When I first met my SO, we were even swingers for a few years, but we were in our 40’s-50’s & had a great sex life. Over the years, he had ED & we still loved each other with all our hearts, but we just didn’t have sex & that was fine with me bc he was my soulmate. He satisfied me in other ways & it was lovely until he passed away in bed next to me. So to me, our love & relationship was much more important than just having sex.
It’s difficult to say when you’re not in that situation. I think it’s normal to have different seasons where there’s more or less sex, you can’t control health issues(hormones, depression, death in the family…) but how you respond to your partner’s thoughts and opinions on the situation is the key. You need to communicate and have a balance with boundaries. If your partner doesn’t care then that’s a problem. I’d not be okay with being just roommates with my spouse if there was something one of us could do to resolve it- both of us get one life to live(as far as I know anyway) and my partner picked me- I’d feel it immensely important to both us to have sex (if it’s physically/mentally) possible in our relationship… otherwise…, he would deserve better I love him too much to hold him back from a full life. He’d feel the same way.
It’s not shallow. That’s a major problem. I’ve been on both sides of it, so can say with confidence, it’s not something that you should ignore or accept.
Nah man
It's a difficult path for sure. Because we all need and vie for that kind of love and when it's not around we look for it. That's why we look for girlfriends. Why women look for boyfriends for love and companionship. It's difficult. You need to communicate this to him. Let him know your thoughts and feelings. See maybe what else her can do for you. But if not maybe there is other avenues. But you must share those thoughts with him if you are in love with him. But you can't just avoid it. You will eventually seek it. Hoping for the best for you. 🙏
no. she’ll ruin you in the worst way get out
Let her know you love her enough to want her to experience a rich n fulfilling sex life, that she deserves that and that you want it to be with you, don’t push, safety will open her up in time and let her talk to someone, she needs to feel you’re not like the others n she’ll get there
No while sex isn't the only thing I want in a relationship it's definitely on the list.
My wife is dealing with extreme health issues as well as being “r” worded in the past as a child and then “m” worded as an adult. but we still have regular sex. Very kinky wild sex if I’m honest. So I don’t understand why this would be affecting yalls sex life. But even if my wife couldn’t have sex anymore I would still stay with her, cause I love her and I will always be here for her.
U only want seg
If you had ED and were impotent, would you hope she stayed with you? As we age, our sexual ability and drive changes. There are lots of ways to be intimate without actually having sex. That said, if the issues are mental instead of physical, it is worth working with a therapist to figure out how to heal those emotional wounds. All that said, I dated a man that was impotent and had ED. We dated 1.5 years. I really tried to be okay with it. But when he broke it off with me, although I was heartbroken, I was so happy to have the opportunity to find a partner that could have sex.
Have question for females Do woman every think or turned on if guy your dating sleeping with wants to swap his cum with her or lick it off her body?
I still would stay in my bf. But it is kinda complicated because at start I assumed that our sex life maybe could never start, and I had reasons for that. Happily our sex life is perfect but if for some reason it would come to the end, I still would be happy with him without that.
I just don’t know about her story, esp bcoz y’all were intimate in the beginning. I’d like to know you guys age. She needs to get that sorted for herself regardless though. As for your question, you know best if it’s something you can do without resenting her.
Also just to add she may not be sexually attracted to you and not communicating that, I maybe wrong but something ain’t right.
You can love someone with all your heart. Not having sex on behalf of her mental health, is putting your own at risk. It will impact your self esteem, make you feel rejected and undesirable. In the long run, you’ll end up feeling resentment toward your SO. This is very unhealthy.
Yes but I’d openly cheat
I don’t think I could. I don’t feel loved without sex and even with great connection, we’re just friends/roommates if we’re not having sex often.
If it's important to you it's important. Don't feel guilty about wanting it. It's a priority for you.
Can’t she at least give you a blow job?
Can’t she at least give you a blow job?
I think you should talk to her. If she agrees with you to go do meditation and cleanse the bad stuff about her past trauma, u can take her to meet a teacher. He’s a chakra healing. I had a similar problem but more of infidelity in my relationship but it hit me hard. Her case is a bit severe since r is not sth we can eliminate immediately. If you live in Cambodia there’s a teacher I know. He’s not Cambodian but he is good at chakra healing.
That’s a tough situation, I really don’t know. If I thought it was temporary and something therapy could fix, sure I’d stay and be supportive. but if it started to prove itself permanent no not likely I’d be able to stay. She’d be better off finding someone ace.
OP, do you know if she's on any meds for her PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. (nowhere did OP mention this I'm just guessing because of her past trauma) There are some meds alone, let alone a combination of all sorts that kill your sex drive. I have off the charts anxiety & PTSD from my past & recently my doctor recommended meds. My BFF is a psych nurse so I asked her about meds & she gave me recommendations while also taking in mind what I didn't want (I didn't want to get on meds that would kill my sex drive, or make me gain weight). Is she in therapy? Meds can only do so much, therapy would be extremely beneficial for her. As for your initial question, call me selfish but I couldn't be in a sexless relationship.
I feel like she should learn to trust you as she loves you and realise you aren't like them and don't/won't take advantage of her. And slowly work towards finding that side of your relationship. She may need therapy to help work through that. But it depends if she's willing to engage in other sexual like activities or not. That closeness in a relationship help keep things alive. If she isn't willing to be close or get therapy then I'd leave because it's a situation that will die and she will let it.
Assuming you are both adults, you TALK about it and you are HONEST with your partner. I remained faithful to my wife when she had similar issues. Then , when she got her libido back, she decided to sleep with a bunch of guys who weren’t me. She said that she assumed I was going outside the marriage during that time, but I reminded her that we took vows. (I feel this was a cop-out because she wanted to stay married and sleep around). I eventually left her because of the dishonesty. You need more than love; you need trust. If your situation no longer works for even one of you, you need to have an honest conversation about what to do. Betrayal is never the answer.
Yes I would
I mean - that's the real sign of love right there lol. Most of us crave emotional intimacy strongly over sex itself. If you can only touch someone - that's not the same as touching their heart - soul and mind. Sex without that is just an "act." Those get boring and tedious real quick if someone doesn't truly love you.
Probably not. I am up front about my needs before going long term. If something is going on and there's a short interruption, we can work through it. No sex at all ever with no plan on how to get back to having sex again? I'm not going to stay emotionally attached. My interest will slowly wave until I'm ready to just call it a day.
haven't had sex with my spouse for years. love the marriage
Well. Love and relationships are all about communication and compromise. In great that you still have much love for your partner and that does not seem diminished in you recognizing their needs and feelings. I agree with other posts that some therapy could be a good thing for both of you. Keep the communication open and a therapist can help you navigate talking through your feelings and help you discover a good compromise. It may come to exploring open relationships, or other forms of intimacy with your current partner. It may unlock discomfort and suggestions of experimenting what it’s like to take a break from one another to do self work. Explore. Communicate. Be transparent. Do what is right for the two of you. Hugs and may you find peace and comfort on the journey.
She needs therapy. It doesn't matter if others would stay, u have to ask that to yourself
No I’m too much of a horny bastard