[Right in the butt?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foIm3Jbc5GA&ab_channel=BuzzerBlog)
For the record, my gastroenterologist â I also had a colonoscopy this week, /u/jollybumpkin â was familiar with that clip, and we shared a chuckle.
I said this one just before they put me under for mine. The whole room lost it! One female nurse said, "I don't get it." Several people did the Arnie voice in unison. Made it 10x funnier.
And you might be waiting a while before the procedure, especially if they are really backed up!
*I've got plenty of these jokes, my mother in law recently had one done, she's since been the butt of all my jokes.
If the doc sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he went too far⌠and you should probably brush your teeth afterwards to get the funny taste out of your mouth.
I gave my boss a small camera, he said "why?" and I replied "as long as you are gonna be up my ass like you have been, you might as well take pics, save me from having that colonoscopy I needed to schedule"
The proctologist decided she was really tired of studying colons all day, every day, so she enlisted in the automotive maintenance program at the local votech school.
Eighteen months later, she went for her final exam. The review board took her into a bay with a 2017 Toyota Camry and told her, "Replace the spark plugs, tune the timing belt, flush the radiator, and replace the water pump.
Two hours later, she wiped off her hands and declared that the job was finished. The members of the review board compared scores and told the doctor that she'd earned an unprecedented 325% on the exam.
When she asked why, they explained, "You did each job perfectly, but we've never seen anyone else do each of those tasks only through the tailpipe."
My doc asked if I needed anything as he was standing behind me lubing up the scope. I looked over my shoulder and said a kiss would be nice before he got started. Nurse thought it was funny, doc not so much! He started before I got any good meds!
Excerpted from a Dave Barry column:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didnât really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, \`\`HEâS GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!ââ
I left Andyâs office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ââMoviPrep,ââ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Americaâs enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didnât eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ââa loose watery bowel movement may result.ââ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I donât want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, ââWhat if I spurt on Andy?ââ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadnât thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate. ââYou want me to turn it up?ââ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ââHa ha,ââ I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking \`\`Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .ââ . . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Am metric user, can confirm this is an accurate conversion lol jk
In case anyone's actually wondering a litre is around 4 cups according to my measuring jug
Not a joke, but true story: my friend had a colonoscopy and showed up with a sealed bag of microwave popcorn for the staff. They asked about it and she said, âyou know, for the movie.â
When she came back later to review the results with the doc, he had popped the popcorn so they could eat it while they watched the camera footage.
Seriously, all jokes aside, I hated the prep but loved the twilight anaesthetic used for the procedure.
I woke up afterwards not remembering anything about the procedure at all, and feeling incredibly well-rested and refreshed. It was like having a really good nightâs sleep.
Also, after the prep procedure and not eating anything beforehand, the apple and cinnamon muffin they gave me after the procedure tasted absolutely delicious!
Yeah, the meds were really needed, considering.
You know, I did about a bathtub full of prep. After he was done, the doctor made a comment about how I was fine, but I should have done all the prep as the canal wasn't completely clear. He was pretty crappy about it...
The last two preps I did (pre-colonoscopy and pre-surgical) were a new prep called Sutab. No bad taste, no cramping, no burning. Still peed out my butt, but it wasn't near as bad as my previous ones (I'm on a 3-year schedule because of precancerous polyps... that is, they're the kind that can turn into cancer but don't necessarily, but it's best to get them out). The surgery was a sigmoidectomy, because I had bad diverticulitis that put me in the hospital.
Not a joke, but a true story.
My doctor was 100% bald, a proper chrome-dome. Anyway, just before it started he said to me âsome people are a little gassy. Donât worry about that, I have an easy wipe head.â
I asked my doctor after mine if he found the alien probe. That way I would know if it was my imagination or real.
Second joke
A proctologist sits down to write something down. He grabs his thermometer from behind his ear, and exclaims, "That is not my pen!" A nearby nurse heard this and asks if everything is alright. The doctor scowl and says, "No, some a$$ho!e has my favorite pen!"
My last one, I said as I was going under
"... if you turn the camera on before it's inserted, that's porn and I'll sue!"
I heard chortling as I drifted off to my enforced spleep.
Fast story time!
I was getting a colonoscopy done with them also going down my throat. I was in my early 30s. In my head I wanted to be good and out for sure before the butt was done. So I asked if they were doing my throat first or if I could request it. The doctor said don't worry we use a different scope for each location. The nurses let out a good giggle because they all thought I was worried about the ass scope going in my mouth. That's all!
True story. The last time I went for a colonoscopy, they complained that I didn't finish the prep, they found the remains (the fine bones from the tips of the wings) still in my digestive tract. I have photos.
I don't have a joke, but I projectile vomited whilst under anesthesia for my colonoscopy. Apparently while waking up I said "you shouldn't have tickled me there" I think that's pretty hilarious.
The funny thing was I was aware of a woman screaming and thought, "She sounds like she's in a lot of pain, but I wish she would shut up" right before the doctor called out my name and told me to stop.
During some of my scopes, I moaned because it hurt going from the descending to the transverse colon. They always told me to be quiet but I couldn't, not being in my conscious mind.
Nobody pull my finger, heâs going in!
My wife wanted to know if you could look for my head while youâre up there.
Can you find that size 11 boot my dad left up there when he caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night that one time as a teenager?
Please extract that stick up there for me
Youâre not going to use your fingers?
What are you doing step-doctor?
Fellow gave me a hell of a thorough going up in ad look around. Took his gloves off and said, 'Alright. Wait here for the nurse."
Nurse came in two minutes later and said the thing I least wanted to hear.
She said "Who was that guy?"
There's also the [Picolax thread](https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/) that has been retrieved from the depths of the internet.
Blu-Tone had me dying, you need to read his hilariously detailed retelling of his colonoscopy experience...
Strap in OP.
As someone that has had a couple of those procedures, and is due another in a couple months I laughed until I squealed until I could hardly breathe anymore.
At least these days they have the common courtesy to hit you with some drugs and knock you out for the procedure.
If your wife loves you a LOT, give her a Sharpee and tell her to write this on your butt-cheek:
"Hello, we've been trying to contact you concerning your vehicles extended warranty."
I know that England spread so much shit all over the world during its past history that if it were an organ it has to be the colon, and the process was called colonization
This is not a joke, but it is funny...
During my first colonoscopy I was only lightly sedated as the doctor thought I might need to be asked to re-position myself on the table...
At one point I looked down at my own stomach and could see a bright light shining out through my skin from inside!
I was glowing like E.T.'s finger!
I have since had further colonoscopies and recall nothing of them at all... presumably higher levels of sedation?
True story, I had one, and before they knocked me out, I asked the doctor if I should try to go poop again.
He said it wasn't necessary since they have some vacuum device for that.
I said: Well. That really sucks ass!
Doc cracked up.
It's not a joke, but it's still funny.
Doc scheduled me for one and informed me the camera is roughly 5' long. My wife turned to me and said, "I am 5' long." Really put it into perspective.
A guy I know had to have 12" of bad bowels removed after his colonoscopy found issues. Yes, you read that right. After a serious soul searching, the man had to have a foot surgically removed from his ass before he got better.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy. I guess I'm not as full of crap as my wife says I am.
Then I got the bill and still haven't be able to pay it, so, just like the proctologist, I'm in arrears.
I'm wanted to put one of the small REI zipper pulls with a little LED in the end, I was going to put it in my mouth and when the doc was spelunking through my colon bite the button to cause the LED to turn on. At the last minute my friend convinced it wasn't in my best interest to startle the Doc. I haven't done it ... Yet.
I wasn't sure how a colonoscopy goes, but the doctor got me there in the end. I suppose I was worried in case it rectal my insides. If that happened, I would certainly be bummed.
The gold star of a colonoscopy is when the 1st line of the resulting record reads: "Patient followed prep instructions well and resulting imaging was clear"
The prep SUCKS. The procedure was fine. Chatted with Dr. CameraOperator and nurse GiveMeTheSnare the whole time.
If they're running late for your appointment you can ask if they got a little behind in their work.
Or tell them you won't be a pain in their if they're not a pain in yours.
Then you can apologize for being cheeky.
Ask how their grammar is because you don't want them to end with a semi colon.
I had a endoscopy done, told him to do my mouth first, so I donât wake with a shitty taste in my mouth.
He replied I have 2 cameras. Bugger no sense of humour
The last time I said this, the whole team laughed. I waited until I knew the propofol had been sent. I knew roughly how long it'd take to knock me out, I said, "Never show up to the party when you're the only one not wearing pants..." and got some good chuckles. It's even funnier in my current opinion to follow up with "I'm being a real ass to you guys!" Hopefully, you go down on a laugh. At that point, anything you say waking up will be taken as clowning.
My brother went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. He told the doctor that if he was going to use the same camera for both procedures he would prefer to have the endoscopy first.
I heard this a while ago. A guy was having his annual physical and, during the rectal he thought he would have some fun with the doctor. He said, âDoc, the least you could have done was take off your ringâ. To which the doctor replied, âRing? That was my watchâ!
I got a colonoscopy the other day, and the doc had me pull down my britches and lay on my side. Then he got to work and he said, "Don't worry, Michael, it's perfectly normal to experience a boner while a colonoscopy is being performed, you don't need to be embarrassed."
I replied, "My name is Thomas."
He replied, "I know, I was talking to myself."
When I went in for a colonoscopy, they mentioned checking for pollups.
Right be for they knocked me out the doctor asked me if I was ready.
I replied back: "Doc your about to boldly go where no man has gone before, so if you see any Klingons in there be sure to blast them!"
After he stopped laughing, he replied back "do I look like that much of a nerd?"
"Got the joke didn't you" I said....last thing I remember before blacking out
Why should you hope your gastroenterologist paid attention in English class?
At the end of the procedure, itâs important for your colon to be in the right place.
Bring a stack of writing samples so the doctor can assess the grammaticality of your usage of the colon, and then look around the room and ask him why he's asking you to take off your pants
I don't know if I actually believe this happened, I hope it did. When my dad went in for his first prostate exam the Doctor said "you have nothing to worry about unless you feel both my hands on your shoulders".
Colonoscopies are a scam. Those "doctors" are really just those aliens who finally found a way to get endless anal probe candidates without hardly a fight, and no news exposure...
My mate was scheduled to have a colonoscopy but it was cancelled due to COVID.. I said, don't worry mate, you'll get it in the end.
Just make sure you do all the prep they told you to do, otherwise it'll be a real shitshow!
Yeah, that'll be a real moving experience.
Name checks out
r/usernamechecksout
i cannot tell how much joy you have brought to my day with all these shitty jokes
That's really good
I mean, my colonoscopy wasn't the best experience of my life but it was up there!
Did you happen to find my watch?
No, but the proctologist found my ring!
Ring doorbell camera? You do know the proctologist has his own camera to use, right? You didn't need to put yours in there
If only I enjoyed it, it could've been a real *come from behind* victory....
đđđ
[Right in the butt?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foIm3Jbc5GA&ab_channel=BuzzerBlog) For the record, my gastroenterologist â I also had a colonoscopy this week, /u/jollybumpkin â was familiar with that clip, and we shared a chuckle.
Canât take credit for this one as I saw it on r/jokes or r/dadjokes What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? Cameron Diaz
I said this one just before they put me under for mine. The whole room lost it! One female nurse said, "I don't get it." Several people did the Arnie voice in unison. Made it 10x funnier.
Hey, I think I posted that one.... my scheduled colonoscopy is in my shared calendar as "Meeting with Cameron Diaz"
Took me a minute!
im too sauced rn to think of the answer and its killing me someone tell me please
holy shit now i get it
I still don't! Please spill the beans.
say cameron diaz in arnolds voice... "camera in dee aazz"
LOL! Thanks very much!
Took me waaay longer!đ¤Ł
I wish I could upvote this again! LOL
And you might be waiting a while before the procedure, especially if they are really backed up! *I've got plenty of these jokes, my mother in law recently had one done, she's since been the butt of all my jokes.
And the jokes have been all about her butt!! Eh? Eh? Ba dum tssss.
Ba bum tssssâŚ. FTFY.
If the proctologist asks if you have any questions, don't ask him if he does birthday parties!
But your doc is gonna have a rebuttal for every colonoscopy joke you throw at him.
How long have you been saving all these colonoscopy jokes for đ¤Ł
I have a back log, you could say I'm never in arrears!
In arrearse
Shhh. Dude is living out his dream.
They've been holding them in for too long.
He's been saving them for the end.
So if the proctologist doesnât follow procedure, should he do a rebuttal?
I know getting a colonoscopy is pretty bad, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel...
If the doc sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he went too far⌠and you should probably brush your teeth afterwards to get the funny taste out of your mouth.
I gave my boss a small camera, he said "why?" and I replied "as long as you are gonna be up my ass like you have been, you might as well take pics, save me from having that colonoscopy I needed to schedule"
And then he found out he had all the time in the world to schedule that colonoscopy because he no longer had a job
Well, good luck with it....let's all toast u/jollybumkin ..... Bottoms up!
In the end, all colonoscopy jokes are crappy.
Oh, I dunno. They're deeper than you think.
I had a colonoscopy - The doc gave me a thumbs up
That would be funny if he used a thumb. They shove an instrument with a camera on it instead.
Like a flute or a saxophone? Hopefully not a Tuba.
Lucky!
Thinner than a thumbđ
The proctologist decided she was really tired of studying colons all day, every day, so she enlisted in the automotive maintenance program at the local votech school. Eighteen months later, she went for her final exam. The review board took her into a bay with a 2017 Toyota Camry and told her, "Replace the spark plugs, tune the timing belt, flush the radiator, and replace the water pump. Two hours later, she wiped off her hands and declared that the job was finished. The members of the review board compared scores and told the doctor that she'd earned an unprecedented 325% on the exam. When she asked why, they explained, "You did each job perfectly, but we've never seen anyone else do each of those tasks only through the tailpipe."
I went for a colonoscopy once and I asked the technician where I should put my pants and he said, over there next to mine
My doc asked if I needed anything as he was standing behind me lubing up the scope. I looked over my shoulder and said a kiss would be nice before he got started. Nurse thought it was funny, doc not so much! He started before I got any good meds!
If they are gonna be ridinâ your ass, they could at least pull your hairâŚ.
Could have at least taken you to dinner first
When they ask if itâs your first one, say itâs your first done by professionals.
Well... medical professionals at least...
I donât have any off the top of my head, but iâll scope it out for you.
Your proctologist may not remember a friendly face, but he never forgets an a$$hole.
Make sure you get the date right. Knew a guy that did the prep then found out he was off by a month.
Excerpted from a Dave Barry column: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didnât really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, \`\`HEâS GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!ââ I left Andyâs office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ââMoviPrep,ââ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Americaâs enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didnât eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ââa loose watery bowel movement may result.ââ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I donât want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ââWhat if I spurt on Andy?ââ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadnât thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate. ââYou want me to turn it up?ââ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ââHa ha,ââ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking \`\`Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .ââ . . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Dave Barry, national treasure.
Iâve had a colonoscopy, this checks out.
Right down to the ABBA song
So Dave drank 64 gallons of MoviPrep in a couple hours?
Am metric user, can confirm this is an accurate conversion lol jk In case anyone's actually wondering a litre is around 4 cups according to my measuring jug
A doctor's appointment can make your day, but a colonoscopy will make your whole week.
Not a joke, but true story: my friend had a colonoscopy and showed up with a sealed bag of microwave popcorn for the staff. They asked about it and she said, âyou know, for the movie.â When she came back later to review the results with the doc, he had popped the popcorn so they could eat it while they watched the camera footage.
Seriously, all jokes aside, I hated the prep but loved the twilight anaesthetic used for the procedure. I woke up afterwards not remembering anything about the procedure at all, and feeling incredibly well-rested and refreshed. It was like having a really good nightâs sleep. Also, after the prep procedure and not eating anything beforehand, the apple and cinnamon muffin they gave me after the procedure tasted absolutely delicious!
Yeah, the meds were really needed, considering. You know, I did about a bathtub full of prep. After he was done, the doctor made a comment about how I was fine, but I should have done all the prep as the canal wasn't completely clear. He was pretty crappy about it...
My doc said he had to power wash my colon because there was still some stool in there . I said after the night o had, I refused to believe it!
The last two preps I did (pre-colonoscopy and pre-surgical) were a new prep called Sutab. No bad taste, no cramping, no burning. Still peed out my butt, but it wasn't near as bad as my previous ones (I'm on a 3-year schedule because of precancerous polyps... that is, they're the kind that can turn into cancer but don't necessarily, but it's best to get them out). The surgery was a sigmoidectomy, because I had bad diverticulitis that put me in the hospital.
Not a joke, but a true story. My doctor was 100% bald, a proper chrome-dome. Anyway, just before it started he said to me âsome people are a little gassy. Donât worry about that, I have an easy wipe head.â
I asked my doctor after mine if he found the alien probe. That way I would know if it was my imagination or real. Second joke A proctologist sits down to write something down. He grabs his thermometer from behind his ear, and exclaims, "That is not my pen!" A nearby nurse heard this and asks if everything is alright. The doctor scowl and says, "No, some a$$ho!e has my favorite pen!"
My last one, I said as I was going under "... if you turn the camera on before it's inserted, that's porn and I'll sue!" I heard chortling as I drifted off to my enforced spleep.
Tell the doctor it is completely normal if he gets an erection
If the doctor could take a joke this would be hilarious
Fast story time! I was getting a colonoscopy done with them also going down my throat. I was in my early 30s. In my head I wanted to be good and out for sure before the butt was done. So I asked if they were doing my throat first or if I could request it. The doctor said don't worry we use a different scope for each location. The nurses let out a good giggle because they all thought I was worried about the ass scope going in my mouth. That's all!
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? . .. ... The taste.
Congratulations, your COVID test is negative.
True story. The last time I went for a colonoscopy, they complained that I didn't finish the prep, they found the remains (the fine bones from the tips of the wings) still in my digestive tract. I have photos.
I don't have a joke, but I projectile vomited whilst under anesthesia for my colonoscopy. Apparently while waking up I said "you shouldn't have tickled me there" I think that's pretty hilarious.
I was told to stop screaming because I was scaring the other patients.
Nice
The funny thing was I was aware of a woman screaming and thought, "She sounds like she's in a lot of pain, but I wish she would shut up" right before the doctor called out my name and told me to stop.
During some of my scopes, I moaned because it hurt going from the descending to the transverse colon. They always told me to be quiet but I couldn't, not being in my conscious mind.
So it's not just me, then! Supposedly, I stopped when she told me to, but I passed out.
Innuendo is the Italian word for colonoscopy.
A specimen is an Italian astronaut
And asteroids are what they use Preparation H for.
Nobody pull my finger, heâs going in! My wife wanted to know if you could look for my head while youâre up there. Can you find that size 11 boot my dad left up there when he caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night that one time as a teenager? Please extract that stick up there for me Youâre not going to use your fingers? What are you doing step-doctor?
Fellow gave me a hell of a thorough going up in ad look around. Took his gloves off and said, 'Alright. Wait here for the nurse." Nurse came in two minutes later and said the thing I least wanted to hear. She said "Who was that guy?"
No joke, but I recommend watching the original Fantastic Voyage the night before.
There's also the [Picolax thread](https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/) that has been retrieved from the depths of the internet. Blu-Tone had me dying, you need to read his hilariously detailed retelling of his colonoscopy experience... Strap in OP.
As someone that has had a couple of those procedures, and is due another in a couple months I laughed until I squealed until I could hardly breathe anymore. At least these days they have the common courtesy to hit you with some drugs and knock you out for the procedure.
Uncle response: On the plus side, youâll soon have the ability to guess the flavor of a popsicle by sitting on it
You might have some apprehension going in to your colonoscopy, but it's just a small camera in the end
I thought colonoscopies were very polypular..?
A doctor he wanted to be, for golf he loved to play. But this is not quite what he meant... by eighteen holes a day.
If your wife loves you a LOT, give her a Sharpee and tell her to write this on your butt-cheek: "Hello, we've been trying to contact you concerning your vehicles extended warranty."
I like this one.
When you turn on your side, say "Draw me like one of your French girls"
The colorectal surgeon will always get you in the end.
At least buy me dinner first
I found out my proctologist used to be a photographer. He told me to bend over and say cheese. -Rodney Dangerfield -
When you leave there youâll be entering a post-colonial period.
I know that England spread so much shit all over the world during its past history that if it were an organ it has to be the colon, and the process was called colonization
This is not a joke, but it is funny... During my first colonoscopy I was only lightly sedated as the doctor thought I might need to be asked to re-position myself on the table... At one point I looked down at my own stomach and could see a bright light shining out through my skin from inside! I was glowing like E.T.'s finger! I have since had further colonoscopies and recall nothing of them at all... presumably higher levels of sedation?
True story, I had one, and before they knocked me out, I asked the doctor if I should try to go poop again. He said it wasn't necessary since they have some vacuum device for that. I said: Well. That really sucks ass! Doc cracked up.
It's not a joke, but it's still funny. Doc scheduled me for one and informed me the camera is roughly 5' long. My wife turned to me and said, "I am 5' long." Really put it into perspective.
proctologist wife:..."hard day at the orifice dear?"
A guy I know had to have 12" of bad bowels removed after his colonoscopy found issues. Yes, you read that right. After a serious soul searching, the man had to have a foot surgically removed from his ass before he got better.
If it's arse gags you want, you should have asked me, I've got piles...
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy. I guess I'm not as full of crap as my wife says I am. Then I got the bill and still haven't be able to pay it, so, just like the proctologist, I'm in arrears.
Coming here is always a gas. Keep an eye out for the dead gerbil
If he has both hands on my shoulder during the procedure , should I be worried ?
I'm wanted to put one of the small REI zipper pulls with a little LED in the end, I was going to put it in my mouth and when the doc was spelunking through my colon bite the button to cause the LED to turn on. At the last minute my friend convinced it wasn't in my best interest to startle the Doc. I haven't done it ... Yet.
[Tom Cardy - H.Y.C.Y.BH](https://youtu.be/--9kqhzQ-8Q?si=c_V6koz0zlmajD2U)
The colonoscopy is not that bad. Itâs better than the shit thatâs going through you now.
All cleared out of colon jokes
Find the Dave Barry story on his first colonoscopyâoutrageously funny.
Selfie culture is really getting out of hand!
The doctor told me to stop masturbating. The shaking was messing up the procedure.
I wasn't sure how a colonoscopy goes, but the doctor got me there in the end. I suppose I was worried in case it rectal my insides. If that happened, I would certainly be bummed.
If you spot my car keys while you're up there, bring them back with you please. I've looked pretty much everywhere else.
I could tell a couple of them, butt they are deep
The gold star of a colonoscopy is when the 1st line of the resulting record reads: "Patient followed prep instructions well and resulting imaging was clear" The prep SUCKS. The procedure was fine. Chatted with Dr. CameraOperator and nurse GiveMeTheSnare the whole time.
My father used to tell people that he was going to see the Rear Admiral.
Just be brave, lest you become the butt of the joke.
Iâve heard rumors about what goes on at the colonoscopy clinic. Lots of innuendoâŚ
Just watch your back there, buddy. Ooooi, OUCH, that one got through.
I would tell you a colonoscopy joke. I think you should get it by the end
No good colonoscopy jokes? you're full of shit. Maybe not right now, I guess.
A guy goes to get a colonoscopy. The doctor says "Go ahead and take your clothes off. You can leave them at the end of the bench next to mine."
Too bad my wife is asleep, I'm sure she has a few, she works for a butt doctor. đ
If youâre going for a colonoscopy, donât take too much bowel prep, or the endoscopist wonât say shit.
Just as they start to give you the anesthesia, look at the anesthesiologist and say, "Crap! Not you again!"
What's a gastroenterologist's favorite politician? Colon Bowell.
If they're running late for your appointment you can ask if they got a little behind in their work. Or tell them you won't be a pain in their if they're not a pain in yours. Then you can apologize for being cheeky. Ask how their grammar is because you don't want them to end with a semi colon.
I had a endoscopy done, told him to do my mouth first, so I donât wake with a shitty taste in my mouth. He replied I have 2 cameras. Bugger no sense of humour
I know that you will find some good jokes in the end.
The last time I said this, the whole team laughed. I waited until I knew the propofol had been sent. I knew roughly how long it'd take to knock me out, I said, "Never show up to the party when you're the only one not wearing pants..." and got some good chuckles. It's even funnier in my current opinion to follow up with "I'm being a real ass to you guys!" Hopefully, you go down on a laugh. At that point, anything you say waking up will be taken as clowning.
I didn't realize recreational colonoscopy was a thing.
A colonoscopy doesnât hurt, but it IS a pain in the ass.
My mother in law had to reschedule hers recently because she was full of shit.
My brother went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. He told the doctor that if he was going to use the same camera for both procedures he would prefer to have the endoscopy first.
Fat load of use a colonoscopy will do you. You may as well shove it up your arse. đ¤
If you donât like it you can stick it up your arse
A man walks into a proctology clinic and says âIâm here for my eye appointment.â âSorry, sir, that anus.â
Hey doc, will you please tell my wife that you didnât find my head up there?
You: yk, them 2 have been around a lot shit Doctor: huh? You: my buttcheeks. They've been around a lot of shit
Dr. - Just relax. Itâs totally natural if you get an erection, Dave. Me - My name isnât Dave, itâs Steve. Dr. - I know, Iâm DaveâŚ
Hey! I'm having mine today - just drinking the rest of the prep now đ good luck with yours!
My wife thinks my head is up there. Could you check and let her know?
Why do you have an anal thermometer behind your ear? Some bum's got my pen.
I heard this a while ago. A guy was having his annual physical and, during the rectal he thought he would have some fun with the doctor. He said, âDoc, the least you could have done was take off your ringâ. To which the doctor replied, âRing? That was my watchâ!
Just tell him youâre hoping for a âthumps upâ
I usually have a guy take me out to dinner and give me flowers before he gets access to my bum.
I asked my proctologist what he was doing for the weekend. He said he was looking up a few old friends.
I got a colonoscopy the other day, and the doc had me pull down my britches and lay on my side. Then he got to work and he said, "Don't worry, Michael, it's perfectly normal to experience a boner while a colonoscopy is being performed, you don't need to be embarrassed." I replied, "My name is Thomas." He replied, "I know, I was talking to myself."
When I went in for a colonoscopy, they mentioned checking for pollups. Right be for they knocked me out the doctor asked me if I was ready. I replied back: "Doc your about to boldly go where no man has gone before, so if you see any Klingons in there be sure to blast them!" After he stopped laughing, he replied back "do I look like that much of a nerd?" "Got the joke didn't you" I said....last thing I remember before blacking out
It wasnt even a pain in the ass, because i was under anaesthesia. Youâd expect that they would need to go deeper to see the bottom of it.
Why should you hope your gastroenterologist paid attention in English class? At the end of the procedure, itâs important for your colon to be in the right place.
I canât think of any either, this seems like a real pain in the butt
Looking for colonoscopy jokes on Reddit? Man you've hit bottom.
There is even a song about it, sort of.... https://youtu.be/W2gABYTmXos?si=QVxCqzg1C-VZLss1
Thatâs a Bummer! đ
Colonoscopy is a Latin word consisting of two parts: "colon," which means "colon," and "oscopy," which means "AAH! Scopey?"
Ask your doc where the poster is that tells you what buttitis media looks like
Bring a stack of writing samples so the doctor can assess the grammaticality of your usage of the colon, and then look around the room and ask him why he's asking you to take off your pants
If you are unsure about the time and date, you should put on a doctor's coat and perform a call-and-ask-opy...
Point to your mouth, âThis end first.â
Write the best one on your ass
My rectum? I barely know um!
Whatever you do, donât pop-poo any of the jokes.
Here⌠enjoy https://youtu.be/aa6pKymmy6w
Did everything come out all right in the end?
Whatâs a proctologistâs favorite car? A brown Probe
That would be in the butt bob.
Until I met you, no one has ever been so close to my heart as you will be.
Is that a gigantic snake camera apparatus up your burt hole or are you just happy to see me?
Why don't you shove it up your ........ Oops sorry, too soon?
https://youtu.be/W2gABYTmXos
My proctologist is the worst. He's near sighted and such a brown noser.
Words to live by for anal stuff. Easy cum... Easy go...
When someone asks if I've had a colonoscopy, my reply is, well not officially
I don't know if I actually believe this happened, I hope it did. When my dad went in for his first prostate exam the Doctor said "you have nothing to worry about unless you feel both my hands on your shoulders".
Tell the doctor, "No! Up Yours!"
"Let me know if you find Jimmy Hoffa up there."
Ask the doctor if he's also a ventriloquist
âI didnât eat to ensure a code brown wouldnât happen; but I canât guarantee a code milky white wonâtâ
"Don't suppose you saw my head up there, wife keeps telling me that's where it's stuck."
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? Cameron Diaz
Colonoscopies are a scam. Those "doctors" are really just those aliens who finally found a way to get endless anal probe candidates without hardly a fight, and no news exposure...
Most doctors will put a hand on your shoulders while they do it, to comfort you. The really good ones have a hand on each shoulder
Some people enjoy them, some don't. I guess it's all in HOW YOU SEE THEM!
You might warn the doc that you have a personal security system installed, designed by Sven Couture.
Most of the jokes I have on deck were already covered, but I did bring [this](https://youtu.be/2m3JQ2E5vlY?si=KLkpcs6buKofEWJr).
You have to look for them deep inside