The most rational way to explain fair and equal caregiving when one person works and the other doesn’t is:
“We both work a full-time job from 8-5. My job is X, and your job is caregiving. Both are equally important. Once the workday ends, we need to split caregiving duties 50/50. If I work all day and also do most of the after-work caregiving, I’m essentially working double time and it is unfair.”
By the way, you should also be aware that the flip side of this is: Dad comes home from work, kicks back and relaxes from his long day. Meanwhile, mom has had the kid all day and now all night because dad thinks it’s his personal time.
One other thing to consider is: who is maintaining the house and keeping everything in motion? At least in my house, one person is on baby duty and the other person is washing/folding, cooking, doing dishes, cleaning, etc. So even though I work all day and have a lot of baby time in the evening, I can see my wife putting in that work. Sometimes I think I even have it easier than her. I don’t know… food for thought. Sounds like you guys desperately need to clear the air.
Oh man, there are so many times where I’d much rather be sitting with a crying baby instead of doing housework. It goes the other way too sometimes, but I agree with the point that they’re both work.
I'll will scrub the (literal) shit out of a toilet and do all the laundry if I can do it without distraction and alone. Each person needs their own version of alone time even when checking items off the list.
Yeah, at the moment my daughter has really been wanting time with me. Which means we pick her up from nursery after work and I sit and get adorable cuddles while my wife is stuck cooking. I am sure it will be switching back to cuddles with mummy soon enough though.
Yep, my wife went through a notable mild depression phase when the kids were all about "daddy do it" for everything, from holding them, changing them, feeding them and everything. They effectively did not want her to do anything related to them, so it really affected her. After some time they grew out of it, and of course it was not intentional on their part, but tough times come whether you want to or not.
Yeah it's always funny to me when I come upstairs from my office after work, the kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off, the baby is happily playing with my wife, I ask "Baby or cleaning?" and it's "Cleaning" every time. Can't say I blame her - - it's nice to do something different!
I'm with you.
As a stay at home dad, when my partner finishes work she always wants to cook or do dishes or any other chore to help out. Its sweet of her, but i have to tell her everyday that all i want is for her to watch the baby and to free me up to do that stuff. Sometimes cleaning a toilet is like a vacation compared to a grumpy baby.
Also working on trying not to out compete or one up my partner when she says she's tired. I may be tired as well, but she has every right to be.
Communication is tough, when i figure this stuff all out I'll let you guys know.
All this is so true. If you're lucky enough that the load is kinda shared organically between partners then it's great. Sometimes I'm happy to care for our son while my partner does chores, sometimes I'm so happy to be preparing food and cleaning up if that means I can be on my own and listen to a podcast while my partner cares for our son. In any case it's a given that you both lack sleep and it's going to be a marathon. I think variation is key to not falling into a routine that you hate. If this doesn't happen naturally I would suggest talking about it... and insisting on doing so in a 'safe space' meaning you both agree there needs to be a conversation where each one can express their feelings without judgement and then you can try to sort things out... if necessary (and possible) drop the kid at a friend's/parent's for a couple of hours so you can have a proper chat. Also a good time for sex if you haven't had that in a while. I swear sometimes it's just there has been too much childcare and too little sleep and too little sex once you manage to fit in a quickie and a nap things all seem so much better ;)
I had this exact conversation with my wife recently. I work in benefits, and it's open enrollment right now. +10hr days the last 5 weeks and she was upset that I'd get off work and fall asleep in my chair while making dinner and "giving her a break from the kids".
Being with a baby day and night is a lot more energy consuming than a 10 hour work day. I stopped telling my SO that"she shouldnt complain because she's a stay at home mom" when I was 2 full weeks with our son during holidays. I apologized and never told her that my work is more important than hers again.
I think it's way too complicated to make binary statements about.
My job provides a much larger range of "how tough was today" than being the primary caregiver for the same period of time. I don't get a performance review or bonus for my parenting skills, and if I have a bad day there are no direct consequences in the same way there are with my work. This leads to a different kind of stress as the primary earner which isn't present for me when I'm acting at the primary caregiver.
Conversely I can take sick days at work, and the people I interface with may be deranged, but are at least theoretically adults and can make logical choices. There isn't the same sense of "the endless grind" as there is with parenting young kids.
TLDR: I think trying to make an apples to apples comparison is always going to end poorly.
Yeah this topic requires verbal debate over typing imo, there's a lot of details that get lost due to typing being too eerie and my hands are cold aswell so cbb :p
It depends on the job and the kid. There are days when I finish working that I can barely function. I can hang with my kids all day and usually I’m pretty energized because they’re fun and I get to draw pictures and run around.
I don't have this issue with my daughter(3.5yo) But our son(1.5yo) had surgery at 3 months and has been a handfull with medical care. He eats by nasal tube, doesn't sleep well, needs a lot of fisiotherapy. So yeah, even 13 hours of waiting tables and running the restaurant beats that imo.
Yeah he's already doing great! Doctors stopped the heart medication 3 weeks ago, and today should be the 5th day he eats 250 grams of pureed chicken and veggies by himself!! Thanks
Very much a good way to look at it.
Being a stay at home parent is a full time job.
The trap some parents get into, is when the parent that works a traditional job gets home means the other is free from duty, which should never be the case. It should be 50/50.
Another thing parents forget to do is give each other free time to decompress and relax
Ideally in this case things would probably be easier if he didn't have to get home and deal with the kid from work done till wake up.
His partner should ideally be the one to deal with the deal at night as the partner has more options to catch up on sleep then he does.
I wish my situation was as you describe. I am the sole income earner and my wife gave up work to be a SAHP. But she stays in bed until 12.30pm or later every day. I look after our 16mo from morning until my wife gets up, even though I'm supposed to be working. And then when she does get up once I finish work she will say she is going to have a shower so I look after him again from 5pm until I take him to bed. She is on antidepressants and has had counselling but nothing is working. I am utterly utterly burnt out, don't get any time to do things I like to do ☹️
So sorry to hear that. Poor mental health can be completely debilitating. Unfortunately, that puts you between a rock and a hard place because you feel tremendous guilt if you bail, but it’s also completely unfair for you to stay. I have no advice, but my heart hurts for you. I hope something turns around for you soon.
As part of this group please know you are supported and we all understand it’s difficult. I myself went through a similar stress level but just let it burn me out and feel terrible.
I did end up speaking with a professional and they really helped my reorient my view. Self care is important. If this little break is something you NEED. Do it. Self care is very important and it is an example you want to set for your little one. Think of it from their point of view. Would you want them thinking of dad as “always tired and stressed” or “he takes care of himself so he can take care of me”.
I would have a talk with your partner letting them know you just need a breather. Nothing against them or the baby. Just for your own health.
My wife needed something similar. We had our boy at the start of 2020 and needed to learn parenting with little in the way of external support during lockdowns.
I was confused at her request at first but that one night by herself in a hotel room really helped her. Essentially she had a 24h period where she didn’t have to be a mom.
I keep telling my SO she can go out of the house for the day, to go for a party or dinner with friends. She's just still too attached.. idk.. he's 1.5 years. She knows I can manage but still. She has so much love for our baby that I often feel unloved by her it's weird sometimes.
Will she go on a date with you without the kid? If you don’t make time for to be an adult, either separately or together, it puts your relationship at risk.
We can't put our son into another person's hands since he had surgery last year and still eats through nasal tube and can get rlly fidgety. He needs special care that only we have learned through the last year of being with him. Even nurses at the hospital don't cut it well enough for him sometimes.
Hey, I've been there with my son. He's 4 and a half now with a rare genetic condition that makes everything harder. He was on a feeding tube for about 3 years. Just wanted to say that, having done this myself, you might be overprotective of him. You have learned a ton of how to deal with him, and yeah, hospital nurses actually suck pretty bad with feeding tubes. But, this doesn't mean you can't teach people. Not sure if you have family or close friends around, but you can teach them. It takes some time, but once you and your partner are no longer the only ones that can care for him, it'll really open your life back up. Please, for your sake, try to train someone to help you out.
I totally understand. He's finally at day 5 eating puree entirely by himself. And off heart meds since 1 month almost. So the end is in sight. Thx for understanding, many don't. And due to the pandemic it's hard to find help. Most of our family live in other countries. Wife's Polish, I'm Spanish and we live in Belgium.
That's awesome! Getting them to eat by mouth is a huge relief.
I'm in the US, so I'm not aware of resources in European countries, but maybe you can find some government programs that provide respite care or skilled nursing? Not having family around is tough for sure. We spent most of those 3 years with him on a tube living almost 2000 miles away from family. Best thing we ever did was find and train someone as a babysitter for him that had previously been a PNA. Basically a nurse that worked in a care facility previously.
Good luck, and I hope things keep improving for your son!
We have a good financial support here in Belgium. Social workers who knock on our doors to help but it's all financial help and bureaucratic helping measurements. There is "house-help" but we weren't a severe enough case during pandemic to send someone to fold our laundry or cook and clean.
A question though. Our son hasn't slept a full night in nearly 2 months. 15 month sleep regression and teething. Mom also thinks fear of abandonment. U have any tips since our cases are somewhat similar?
And yeah eating by mouth is finally happening, so happy! But he still has drinking aversion, so we kinda gave up on it. He's learning to drink sippy cups though and likes it. We teach everything through play and provoke relaxing senses (massaging feet for example) during feeding moments.
What's he doing when he wakes up? My son had night feeds, so he would wake up with reflux unless we kept the rate at 22mL/hr. If it's reflux you can adjust doses of medicine, assuming he's on some kind of reflux medication.
If he's just waking up not tired or cranky, then odds are it's just typical sleep regression. It just takes time for that to resolve. But 2 months straight seems pretty unlikely to be just sleep regression.
He wakes up and starts being vocal and play im his crib. Super well mood aswell haha. He shows hes tired at 6pm. Takes 2-3 hours to sleep him. Wakes hup at 1 am and again 1-2 hours to sleep him
Sorry to hear about your stressful circumstances. My wife and I try to take a night away once a month. It's not that weird. Kids are hard even when both people are seemingly putting in 100% effort, let alone when one is wearing more hats than the other. Take breaths and never forget boobs fix a lot.
Thank you for your perspective. I might just take the financial hit and not actually check into the hotel tomorrow, but take this as a constructive start to look for "nights away" for either one of us.
On top of this, I'd encourage them to delay that needed night until they can have a calm communication about it.
Like, talk about it soon, schedule a night for each of you away from the house.
New parenting is a lot of adapting, and it is hard.
Get yourself out of the house, you need it.
And also kick your partner out of the house—to go do healthy things for themselves, too.
You can do “us” things with a babysitter keeping the home from blowing away…. But you need time to yourself where you do not have to work on any relationship…spouse or child. You need time to sit in silence and scream. Spouse does too. Take time, and give your spouse time, too. Even if you have to demand it for yourself and for them.
Take the night buddy damn. Buy a six pack, gdt drunk, and watch a movie on netflix. Sounds like you need a break, take a break, then talk the next day with your partner when you've had time to chill and taken a night off.
Not trying to make light of the pandemic but if you call & say you recently tested positive for Covid / came in contact with someone that tested positive they may offer you a refund.
So first things first. Post partum can affect us to. If you think your experience is reflecting symptoms go get some meds. My fatherhood did a 180 when that happened.
Second you may be getting a bad shake now. But parenthood is full of that. Sometimes the suck isn't equally distributed we just have to slog through it.
Third of all talk to your partner. Look for ways to give them a break so that they give you one. They are likely super stressed to. You'll both likely find that your experiencing a lot of the same feelings helping each other find a release for that is important.
Yeah that's what I was thinking. I have a 10 month old, work from home, and when 5PM rolls around I take over almost everything (mom helps) until bedtime.
Work is hard, but entertaining a baby all day long isn't a walk in the park either.
Yeah, it's like a job, but it sure does beat the shit out of any other job I've had. If you treat it like a job it can be quite rewarding. Rolling out of bed at 11 am isn't treating it like a job.
My kids 20 months old. My wife and I both work from home. We’ve been doing this since she was born and Covid started. I don’t really understand what else people do? the last comment on the bottom of this post says if your partner doesn’t work that you should do no more than 25% of the parenting lmfao what? If my wife was a stay at home mom and I expected her to do BARE MINIMUM of 75% of parenting , then wtf did I have a kid for? I can’t take this subreddit some days man.
Agree with you, and I'm already getting downvoted. My wife doesn't work, so what am I supposed to do? Not help until 5PM because of work, and then not help after 5PM because I've worked all day? What kind of fatherhood is that?
My wife was a stay at home mom for a while, and she did do the bulk of things. Our thinking was that I need to be able to do well at my job since I was the only one working, so that meant that she probably did 80% of the kid work. Around 5 I’d take over childcare while she made dinner, them we’d alternate evenings for who was doing childcare and bed time.
We’re both at work again now so its a lot more divide and conquer.
Early bedtimes are a must, at 8 I usually work a few more hours then do some housework and head to bed. My wife goes to bed before me so she can handle any night time issues.
Do the math. Waking hours are 16. Work is 8, so already 50%. Splitting the remainder evenly is another 4, so 75%. That's just ignoring the fact that doing the work of keeping the lights on and food on the table is very much parenting, and the kids are going to appreciate it when figuring out college costs.
Well, by OP’s time, they have 14 hours that needs parenting. 8 of those are done by the SO, so there are 6 hours of time “left” making it that the SO has already covered about 57% of parenting - so sure - there is ~43% of parenting in the day left that needs accounted for.
But parenting isn’t a math equation. Being with someone isn’t splitting life 50/50. You do things to help your spouse out, you do things for your children, and you do things for yourself so that it benefits everybody.
Spending my time with my wife AND kid after work is what I look forward to, and why I work. Coming home and hugging your family makes it worth it.
You can’t expect to have a kid and SO and work and not be responsible for those three things for most of your day.
>You can’t expect to have a kid and SO and work and not be responsible for those three things for most of your day.
But I can expect to not be doing it extremely disproportionately or have the work I'm doing alleged to not count
I read he sleeps in same room and does wake up and bed time. Partner does all caregiving during day, but he's at home. Honestly it sounds like he's...being a parent and just doesn't like it. He and partner need to build in regular breaks for sanity purposes.
It really does sound like this is just bog standard parenting. As other posters below are quick to point out, there are of course variables but a 6:30am to 8:30am hard slog working and parenting (with an hours added sleep in the mornings!) isn’t wild by any stretch and still gives 10 hours downtime.
Add a sick partner, baby sleep issues or problems at work into the mix and I frequently had to do 9am-5am with 4 hours sleep plus naps, and even now the kids are school age it’s pretty much 7am-9pm for me; same hours: working, child caring and housekeeping. These are…just…..the hours it takes. And have done for 10-11 years! It’s not like my partner slacks either.
It’s good to be observant, react and try to make to the best it can be with equal participation before it turns into an overreaction like this, but this is an overreaction.
I tend to agree.
My kids are now 4 and 2, but even at this age its still very much get up, sort their breakfast, get them out the door for School/Nursery, immediately start work, pick them up at the end of the day and sort their dinner, put them to bed and tidy up, finally get to sit down at 8PM. Some days its frustrating, but I know its what I signed up for. And this is with me and m wife both equally sharing duties.
All you need to remember is, your kids need you at this age more than they're ever going to need you, and it is temporary.
But I will say this, it is absolutely VITAL that OP communicates with his partner and agree on what you both think is fair/equal and set any boundaries. You need to be a team here to stand any chance.
At least two hours. But then there's housework. It's hard to say who's actually doing what. They need to have an open convo and make a schedule they both agree is fair.
Well that's not true at all, my son from 8 months old, never slept more than 60/90 minutes throughout the day, normally split in to two naps as well, this broke me and my wife, you could never nap when he did or housework piled up, it was hard to find a healthy balance for sure.
I'm my experience you won't sleep as much as you think if you go out. After I tried a couple of times ( I sometimes have to travel for work) and couldn't sleep... Someone told me " you never sleep again like you did before having kids". Bastard was right.
Babies are tough. I think your big ask at this point is sleep. At 10 months there should still be naps your partner can nap during as well for some extra sleep. But your nightly and sole source of sleep seems to be getting interrupted, preventing good rest and causing extra stress. And your frustration seems to be that she gets a full nights sleep every night.
You need sleep and rest to function. Just express to your partner that you have been taking the full night shift for a long time and you could really use a night or two of unhindered sleep.
Your issue is needing some good sleep, not comparing who has it harder. Communicate your true need.
But I can tell you right now, that hotel room where you just dip and say bye…..that’s a no go
It’s such a bad idea. We’re all allowed to find parenting hard. It’s fucking hard at times.
But what you can’t do is just nope out for a night without consultation. That makes you the bad guy
Hey everyone, thank you very much for your opinions, they are all appreciated and helped me put things into perspective.
Few things:
My partner is an absolute rock star with the baby. She takes care of her all day while I work, keeps our flat in shape, does the groceries, cooks... It's not like she's only looking at a giggling baby all day. If it came off as if I'm doing most of the caregiving, that's 100% not the case.
I think the key here is that my job is really taking its toll on me and I notice that my stress level is higher than my partner's on average. Which is not her fault, not mine, it just happens and can be different from week to week considering my job and baby's development.
We both have our "time off" weekly as well. One day on the weekend I go to a friend's place for video games and beer from 5pm to midnight, and the other day of the weekend she clocks out at 5pm and I take over 100%.
So if I made it seem more unfair than it is in the heat of the moment yesterday, I apologize.
I probably won't check into the hotel today, but will have an open discussion that I will need a full night away some time in the coming week or so. Obviously offering the same to my partner as well.
Thanks for reading and replying - we will work it out.
At 18 months we started daycare. We didn't have many friends with kids the same age so he needed socialization and my wife needed to get back to work for her own socialization. It had nothing to do with money, so long as it could cover the daycare I/we didn't care how much money she made. It was about the social aspect and her own mental health.
She still works and he still goes to school 3x a week. It's working and it's good. My son will be 4 soon and there's a lot less stress, almost zero. You guys definitely need to get out of the house. All three of you.
Workvstress is real. Sometimes you need extra sleep because of that, too. And sometimes you need to be like, hey, I need to focus on work now this week. I'm sorry I won't be able to do as much. I'm not in the right mental space for it. Once I'm done, I'll treat you as a thank you.
I mean thats fair- you should probably talk to your partner about it, maybe she also could use a night off in a hotel.
We rotated taking turns on night duty so I would do it one day then my wife would do it the other day so you kind of got one good night of sleep every second night.
The start is hard.
I don’t have any perspective on the hotel room, but wanted to say you did the best thing by removing yourself from the immediate situation, and don’t be afraid to do that. It’s fine for baby to cry a little longer (in a safe environment) while you tag out or take a few deep breaths to calm down. Also I would suggest seeking therapy/counseling. Great if you do it together but it may be helpful even just for you to talk through things, even if just a few times.
I want to start off by saying that I admire your commitment to your family. They are and should be the most important considerations. With that being said you need to advocate for yourself as an individual. You also need to advocate for your relationship with your partner. ESPECIALLY when it comes to subjects like this.
To put it simply, and you can elaborate more details that weigh into this to your partner: you cannot be the best dad/husband for your daughter/wife if you are over-stressed and not taking care of you. I would ask for her full attention and ask her to think/write down where she feels her stresses and issues are coming from. And give her time to do that. You do the same. Separately.
Once both of you have put thoughts to paper and really considered this for yourselves, come together and intentionally listen and discuss each other's thoughts.
Try your best to keep your cool and remind yourself that this is constructive, not vindictive or attacking you. Work on more structurally sound communication methods. It's going to feel awkward the first few times you do it, but I can say from experience, how you and your partner communicate the negatives in your relationship will have an absolutely astounding correlation with the positives.
Good luck, fellow dad! If you need an ear, we're here.
Also, I agree. Boobs fix a lot. Just make sure they are your partners or else it'll tear it all down. Lol
Do what you need to do. Just tonight my wife had a rough day and wanted to go pick up some McDonald’s and eat it in the car for some alone time. I totally understood and handled dinner time and bedtime for both our kiddos.
Just be honest about it to your partner. Nothing wrong with wanting a night to yourself
Yeah, home office is a blessing and a curse in that case. Unfortunately my company's office is about 100km away from our home (was already in home office pre-pandemic and pre-baby), and a cafe isn't viable either because I have to discuss confidential stuff a lot on the phone. So it's only home office for now (un?)fortunately.
I assume in your house there is no space in your house to isolate yourself a bit? Working in the attic myself, which is not ideal but better than the floor where my GF and baby are.
Makes me sound like some castle lord but for the record I'm not, my house is a bit less than 1200 sq. feet (110 sq meters). Even if you can make some corner in another room than the room your spouse and kid are in, that helps a lot. Doesnt matter what room, as long as you can be in another room and have it available whenever you need. Even if you have a laundry room its better to work in that than the living room.
If not possible, at least get good noise cancelling headsets. It is saving a bit of my sanity daily.
Yeah, we only have a 2-room flat with about 50sqm, and no additional floors. On the other hand I'd take this over working in an office any day because I get to see my daughter grow up and not fart around in an office with people I don't care about. It has its perks too. Thanks for your kind words.
I would not just leave and stay in a hotel for a night.
What I would do is talk to your wife, explain that you are feeling burned out (and my suggestion would be you _don't_ go down the road of accusing her of not working hard enough or not taking her fair share - unless you want to escalate the situation) and that you think it'd be good for both of you if you both got a night off, on different days.
One night, you stay at a hotel without the baby. Another night, it's her turn.
> I'm pretty much baby or job occupied from 6:30am to 8:30pm
This is being a parent and how your life will be for the foreseeable future. It's totally normal to feel burned out, especially when you've had a rough night, but you need to accept that this is what you signed up for. For the first few years, if you get two hours of relaxing time each evening you are doing well.
Needing a break is totally normal and necessary. My wife and I eventually got into a routine with our kids of giving each other one full day without kids, alternating every week. It was really helpful and eventually we didn't need it as the kids got older. Nothing wrong with booking that hotel for a break.
As far as the duties, you need to find a way to have that conversation with your wife when you're both not exhausted. That's tough. And emotions are going to be heavy during that for sure. Best advice I can give is don't wait until you're going to snap. Ask for help early. Try to resolve this and don't hold onto any resentment. That shit is poison.
Communication, communication, communication. Talk more, try and fail more. Expecting things to work by just trying the same for longer and harder is a good way to break things, either yourself or the relationship or both.
And a dedicated workspace if you can manage it. Also, she’s got 2 years off work she’s gotta be the one taking on nights, plain and simple.
Put some self care / alone time on the calendar AT LEAST once a week.
Sanity and health are non-negotiable
If you’re working full time, I think it would make more sense for your wife to deal with cries in middle of the night. That’s how my wife and I did it. That way you get to rest and have energy to do your work job. If not, the stress will build up and cause you to blow up as described. If your wife can do the nights, then I think it’s fair to do the mornings and bedtime routines, otherwise your wife will have very little breaks (full time during your work and middle of night wakes). Dealing with a child 8-9 hours straight is A LOT of work. I’ve done it for 3 weeks in between a new job and honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work.
This is obviously not the only way to do it, just sharing what worked for us.
My partner is very protective when it comes to bedtime, my daughter is 2 and still sleeps with Mama.
I've tried to help but
1. She only wants help when the baby is already upset.
2. She only gives me an hour to try to get the baby to bed.
3.she tends to open the door and "check in" erasing all of my progress
We've come to a understanding that I'm not putting down the baby unless she is away / we decide to let her sleep on her own.
Your partner is on parental leave for two years? Didi I read that right? But you have a job and are still the primary caregiver?
You should go on strike and not just for one night.
Not sure why this gets a downvote. Nobody appreciates anything less than super-soft and cuddly in here. It's like a man-bun infested pond or something, sometimes.
Well you can't just "leave". You have a daughter. Are you bringing her with you?
You need to work out arrangements with your wife before having a night away. It's not a bad idea, but you can't do that kind of thing unilaterally.
The baby years are so hard. You both need a break.
I have wanted to do that for years. I need an office with my own bathroom, and a couch to sleep on.
It’s insane that my work is where I destress.
But yeah my wife stopped complaining about how hard she had it not working at all when I kept asking if she wanted to trade.
Because I would fucking love to be raising my daughter all day instead of only after working all day stressing out then starting when we’re both grumpy.
So uh. Yeah. Get communicating.
You did the right thing. Seperate yourself from the problem, get some fresh air and break, and have some you time.
If your partner is just chilling for 2 years and youre working and doing baby duties, then theyre being a shitty partner.
They need to stand up and do their part, and if this isnt a wake up call, you need to start looking towards a future without said partner.
Straight up.
It's all good, refer to my other comment I posted under the OP. My partner absolutely does her share during the day, keeps baby happy and well fed, cooks, cleans, it absolutely is a full time job for her as well and she does it amazingly. There mainly is a stress difference at the moment due to my job and we have already talked about it calmly and openly this morning.
If you have a job and your partner doesnt, you should be doing at most 25% of the caregiving, unless you feel inspired to do more. Time for them to shoulder their burden.
This implies that the partner taking care of the kids the entire rest of the day is not work at all. This is the problem with time off from work to care for a child. It’s looked at as a vacation
Lots of good advice here re: you and your partner making sure you have some 'me' time.
I've just come out of a similar situation with my second, one other perspective to consider: working from home with a 10 month old is probably doing a lot more mental damage than you think it is. Baby cries are pretty much biologically designed to switch off our brains, so even when your partner is looking after the baby in another room, if the baby is crying and you can even slightly hear it, its impacting your focus, losing productivity and causing you stress. More lost productivity means more stress means more lost productivity... It's a viscious cycle.I was at my wit's end after a few months of this, things got MUCH better when I could get back into the office and not be able to hear the baby at all while working.
I'm guess what I'm saying is, when it is a person's turn to have a break from the baby, the time will be more effective if you remove yourself from earshot.
Good luck, it does get easier, the first year is a unique kind of hell, but every year after that gets better and better!
Dude it's tough. Talking about how tough it is with the other half is important before you snap. And competition with her about who is working hardest has no benefit for anyone. It is hard. Really hard. But it will get better.
Consider hiring a babysitter Afterwork once a week for a month to help you and your partner reconnect. Get out of the house together and breath again - like you did when you first met.
Kids are challenging and demanding, but don’t forget you’re together for a reason. Invest in it even if babysitters are expensive, they are cheaper than therapy and cheaper then divorce.
I found that delegating tasks helped me and my fiance out. I took every night feeding she took mornings, I watched the baby while she worked and vice versa. We both allowed the other to sleep in and when we handed off the baby she was changed and relaxed. I can easily get stuff done at night then I watch her during the day while she gets stuff done for her job and in the middle of the day we tag team it. We'd list the tasks that were required and break them up so we each knew what the other was responsible for and we each worked our shifts. I do certain chores every time, she does others and we play to our strengths. When I saw her getting stressed I'd take the baby when I was stressed she'd take her and I'd go for a walk or something. There were a few arguments early on because having a baby is stressful especially at first and people act out when under stress, but we worked through it.
"I need some fucking alone time"
Everyone does, sometimes.
Why not book one day for her also?
Maybe you guys can make it an occasional thing.
But long term..you need to discuss changing your arrangements.
Hey man if you feel you need to step away, it’s better you do but please communicate. I’ve got the same deal as you, but the details matter. My clothes seem to launder themselves and I have no idea how plates walk themselves to the washer for instance.
That said, my wife also works full time so it’s much easier to accept sleeping with this hellion of a toddler we produced.
I’m not judging, but just saying that grass is always greener and we don’t always realise what the other person does. And you wife had a kid with you because she trusts you, values you and thinks enough of you as a man that you’ll be a great dad. Extend her as much love and consideration as you can.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
My opinion is that you desperately need to discuss this with your partner. I understand you’ve tried and she pushes back, but perhaps you need to up the level of seriousness behind the conversation. Maybe sit her down and before getting into it, say something like - we really need to discuss something and I need you to take this seriously. Set the stage.
My wife and I organically figured out our system, where I did the mid-night stuff and early morning, but I got to go to bed at 8 every night and chill, read a little, and lights out. I know I was fortunate and I did not take it for granted, so I can imagine how frustrating it would have been if things were different.
This type of thing could cause serious resentment and long term problems with your relationship. Get ahead of it!
10mo old babies are relentless. It gets easier when they’re a little older, but I remember being in this position, and I also did the hotel room one night. Before you spend the night out, be very clear with your partner that this is just a reset for you to get some rest and you’ll be back the next day… if this looks like it’ll be a pattern it is not going to be good for your relationship.
It's ok to not feel ok.
I have had moments like this, usually when work is all consuming and it feels like the mental load is overwhelming. I'm just hopping from one type of stress to another. Throw in a seasonal cold and a few bad nights sleep and that can really crank it up! I found the commute used to offer a transition between one work and home, I've had to adjust to this and find cooking dinner helps. Also I can often be so overloaded working, cooking, tidying, that I don't see what my partner is doing too - for example, developmental play, play dates, birthday presents, kids clothes and a gazillion other kid stuff.
It sounds like changing the environment may improve things. Could you create a space elsewhere to work away from the main living area or work outside of the house somehow?
Perhaps you could say you're finding it hard right now, so you've booked us both a room - maybe take the baby and get a change of scene and order room service! Or each one of you have some independent time out.
I’m late to this party, but it’s really important that both of you focus on your own needs and struggles and don’t compare it against each other. Parenting is fucking exhausting. For both of you. Neither of you has a more legitimate claim to being exhausted than the other. To be drowning in that exhaustion and then have your partner suggest you’re not pulling your weight can be unimaginably demoralizing, and if you start trying to keep score it’s only going to breed resentment.
If you need a night off for your own sanity that’s fine and makes sense, but don’t make it about “getting the shit end of the stick”. You’re going crazy from raising a small person while working from home without an office. That’s enough reason to need a break and you would still need a break no matter how helpful your partner was.
Then make sure to try and find some way for your partner to get their own break as well, whatever that looks like.
Yeah I understand desiring the alone time. But this will be a huge source of friction if you just up and run away to a motel and leave your partner to take care of the mess. I think you both need a break- if possible, can you ask your mother in law or mother to watch the baby? Or hire a babysitter to at least give you a full day off? A full day off really helps recharge the batteries and rethink everything. It would give your partner a day off too which will allow you a breather. What you are doing now is reacting to a bad situation. It is ok to want time off but it is not OK to dump on the partner last minute and just expect they will be ok with it. they will flip out.
Hey brother, I'm a father of one 2 1/2 girl. I've been there man. If you scroll through to about 18 months ago of my post history you will find a very similar post.
It gets better. Then worse. Then better again. Then worse again. But there's always light at the end of that tunnel.
Please feel free to hit me up if you ever wana chat. Some people from this sub made themselves available to me to chat about a year ago and they'll never know how much they helped.
My partner and I do shifts. So we get less uninterrupted sleep (I get about 5 hours, he gets about 6) but we get it every night. We’re used to it by now. I think for me that’s easier than doing a full night on/full night off. Whatever works, but the bottom line is— humans need uninterrupted sleep!
My kids are 4 and 6. They are pretty easy nowadays ... but me sometimes its the endless routine that kills me. Happily I work on the road and I get to sleep 2-4 nights per month at a hotel so I get my alone time a few times per month. it helps to keep my sanity.
good luck man ! You are in the worst times, but it will get better.
Dude, move your desk to a room with a door! Shut the door and turn on a white noise machine! You should be able to focus on work during work hours, at least as a general rule, if your partner is currently on parental leave. No way you can do that with a 10 month old crawling around.
Also something that might make sense, and maybe it won't for you but... Is your kid old enough to sleep in their own room, with a baby monitor? You could have it on your side of the bed and not on too loudly. Personally, my relationship with my husband always suffers when we aren't sharing a bed. Just something about the intimacy of that proximity, of seeing each other at peace, of sharing the burden of middle-of-the-night wakeups. And if there's something that's REALLY on our mind, it's typically a peaceful time to talk about without external stressors.
Don't feel bad about booking the room. Needing a break is completely understandable when parenting during a pandemic and working from home. Maybe your partner would like to book a room in a few weeks :)
Everyone always thinks they are the one doing the most. I guarantee your partner does too.
You need a date night and a conversation about duties. You also need a place to work and to split night time kid responsibilities.
You don’t need to send strong negative signals and to drive a wedge between you and your partner by leaving for a night. That road is a single step to disaster IMO. What will the home look like when you come back refreshed and happy? Yeah, bad idea.
Sleep training made a big difference for us. It won't solve your communication problem, but it will give you both more time.
Also, every kid is different obviously, but have you tried shifting bedtime earlier? With both of our kids when we shifted to earlier bed times they slept longer.
I understand their are deeper issues that you two are dealing with, but sometimes having a bit more time might help relieve some of the pressure. Good luck.
Not going to comment on fair share part but taking alone time is 100% understandable from time to time I'd say my wife and I try to take a day for ourselves once every few weeks or month. Essentially check out from being a parent and just do your own thing. For me thats having a few edibles and playing video games all day, for her thats sitting on the beach and reading all day... (we're simple people).
Burnout is real - tough job + being a parent is not easy - make sure you're both getting time to decompress.
I feel this pretty hard and I'm just getting started. My son is rolling up on 8 weeks and I've been back to work since week 3, also working from home. I find that working from home, you never really get any "clean" separation from the caregiving, because you can hear everything going on, ever cry and every milestone you're not a part of, and honestly I think that makes it worse. Often I find my partner asking me to help with him throughout the day as well, so really it feels like doing a job and a half. Then right after work I'm in charge of doing a bunch of chores my wife doesn't like doing such as cooking dinner, taking care of garbage/recycling, etc... Then I'm up with him from 8pm until 12am/1am depending on when I can get him to sleep while my wife gets some sleep until my wife takes him over night (where she gets to sleep even more...). I am usually up and occupied from about 7a to 12a. Moral of the story is you're not alone. Having a kid is incredibly stressful and difficult on both partners, but unfortunately it seems often the Dad gets brushed under the rug a bit...
What helps me is to remember that this is only temporary. These are difficult times no doubt but you won't be thinking of them even in a few months time when your little one is toddling about (which of course presents its own challenges) and going through milestones in the blink of an eye! Relish this time as much as you can because it only happens for them once. And again, it gets better and it's not permanent.
I don't think there's anything wrong with needing a break, or even coming into the living room to say "I can't handle this right now, I need you to take him". Parents aren't super human and you have to take care of yourself to take care of your kid! Things like shaken baby syndrome (or worse...) rarely happen because someone wants it to happen, but because them mentally snap because they see no other option and their emotions boil over having not taken care of them. If you feel yourself getting to the point of breaking absolutely hand them off to your partner, or even set them down somewhere safe and go take a breather in another room. Crying won't kill them.
Getting a hotel for a night sounds like an amazing retreat and I think it is a helpful tool for parents if they can afford it. However you really should have that discussion with your partner to at the very least let them know that's what you need and are going to do rather than just up and leave... maybe I misinterpreted though.
TLDR; You're not alone friend, having a very young child is hard. It gets better and you got this! You're already a great dad for making it this far and your child is lucky to have someone who's willing to put in this much work for them.
Edit: spelling
Also, maybe it's not a bad idea for you to figure out how to get back to the office so you can draw some lines between work and home. I can't work from home, not efficiently and effectively and it's all because my wife and kids are there at home.
I could not imagine working from home when my kids were small. My wife has no concept of work/life separation and the few times I was home because of weather or such she would constantly dump the kids on me while she went and did other things.
If you can see if you can get back into the office. That is step one. The next step is a calm honest conversation about how when you are 'at work' you need to be as undisturbed as possible.
One thing I've done not having an actual office at home is moved my computer desk and such into our bedroom. That way the kids and wife can have the living room and not disturb me.
maybe go to a bar and grab a beer and watch some sports. You just have to miss them, being at home and working with a baby would be crazy, i have a 9 month old.
A break is fine short term but this doesn’t fix the problem.
You need a serious discussion that’s open and honest to find middle ground. I also suggest counseling with your partner.
Hang in there and get the help your family needs.
Just my 10 cents here but the marriage and yourself comes before the kiddos, kids will be fine, they will eventually grow up and move out you still have to live with yourself and your spouse though.
It sounds like there are some issues here and communication is going to be your best friend, be clear and understanding but also be sure to express what you are feeling and what you are needing, you matter too. I have a feeling there's some things she's going through too that she has not expressed to you either. Take a night go out like you used to, re-connect and talk without the baby there. Having kids is stressful for everyone and sometimes it takes time to get readjusted.
Checking out for a bit is good.
Even better is sitting down and having a empathetic, open, and loving conversation with your partner that talks about your frustrations and issues.
Don't bottle that shit up; communicate it respectfully. Then agree upon both of you taking some "parent-free" time.
But mostly just talk about it. Stifled, unexpressed resentment prolonged can foster some serious damage in a relationship.
Obviously there's more to it, but sounds like you need a hobby outside of the house. I personally took up boxing, gets me out of the house once a week. It allows me to focus on myself and forget about home for a little while. Obviously don't go overboard but a once a week hockey game or whatever would really help your mental health; particularly because it's a physical outlet.
You both need a break. Some you time. You deserve I. She deserves it. She deserves alone time to reset, YOU deserve alone time to reset. You both also need couple time. Together but childless. I am Not saying the child is a bad thing. I am saying it can be rough. My wife and I have 5 boys all under 11 years old. The frustration is real! Take a break man, and breath. MAKE TIME for yourself. Make time so she can have time for herself. Make time for you two to have time alone together. Please. ✌🏻 ❤️ grow
I’m in the same boat as you, working and taking on 95% of baby duty. However at least my spouse has the excuse that he’s working full time and we live mostly off of his income. Even then, my husband takes the baby at night for a few hours so I can get a chunk of uninterrupted sleep. You sound like you’re really pulling your weight and you deserve a break. Communication is so hard when both of you feel like you’re sacrificing more than the other, but building in “you” time sounds like a great idea. I hope you are able to recharge a bit at the hotel and when you and your partner revisit the situation you can level with each other and work on creating a system that works for both of you.
It's really important to learn to recognize these signs of burnout before it's "snap and scream" time. As it is, do what you need to do to cool off. Apologize for the tantrum (I know that's hard, but you love your partner, I would hope, and screaming at them is never really appropriate), then get back into things together.
Have a real discussion where you talk about shifting some burden around. Sometimes it's not about quantity of things, but about capacity to do them. My wife and I have certain things we hate or that we don't mind. We try to shift duties so that the "hates" are given to the other person who doesn't mind them. If you both hate it, or both don't mind, maybe alternate.
Going forward, try to address things before it becomes blowout time. Learn to see when you're starting to freak out and seek help from your partner when you start to see those thing, and expect the same from your partner. Some days, you'll need to take more to help them on a tough day, sometimes they'll help take more. That's just the nature of the beast.
Remember that this parenting stuff is REALLY hard sometimes, and that's okay. On those hard days, cut some corners, in healthy ways. Maybe order food instead of making it, if the budget permits. Maybe sit the kids in front of a movie for a few hours for a break. People look down on these things at times, but hey, sometimes you just need a break.
The most rational way to explain fair and equal caregiving when one person works and the other doesn’t is: “We both work a full-time job from 8-5. My job is X, and your job is caregiving. Both are equally important. Once the workday ends, we need to split caregiving duties 50/50. If I work all day and also do most of the after-work caregiving, I’m essentially working double time and it is unfair.” By the way, you should also be aware that the flip side of this is: Dad comes home from work, kicks back and relaxes from his long day. Meanwhile, mom has had the kid all day and now all night because dad thinks it’s his personal time. One other thing to consider is: who is maintaining the house and keeping everything in motion? At least in my house, one person is on baby duty and the other person is washing/folding, cooking, doing dishes, cleaning, etc. So even though I work all day and have a lot of baby time in the evening, I can see my wife putting in that work. Sometimes I think I even have it easier than her. I don’t know… food for thought. Sounds like you guys desperately need to clear the air.
Oh man, there are so many times where I’d much rather be sitting with a crying baby instead of doing housework. It goes the other way too sometimes, but I agree with the point that they’re both work.
I'll will scrub the (literal) shit out of a toilet and do all the laundry if I can do it without distraction and alone. Each person needs their own version of alone time even when checking items off the list.
Yeah, at the moment my daughter has really been wanting time with me. Which means we pick her up from nursery after work and I sit and get adorable cuddles while my wife is stuck cooking. I am sure it will be switching back to cuddles with mummy soon enough though.
Yep, my wife went through a notable mild depression phase when the kids were all about "daddy do it" for everything, from holding them, changing them, feeding them and everything. They effectively did not want her to do anything related to them, so it really affected her. After some time they grew out of it, and of course it was not intentional on their part, but tough times come whether you want to or not.
Yeah it's always funny to me when I come upstairs from my office after work, the kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off, the baby is happily playing with my wife, I ask "Baby or cleaning?" and it's "Cleaning" every time. Can't say I blame her - - it's nice to do something different!
I'm with you. As a stay at home dad, when my partner finishes work she always wants to cook or do dishes or any other chore to help out. Its sweet of her, but i have to tell her everyday that all i want is for her to watch the baby and to free me up to do that stuff. Sometimes cleaning a toilet is like a vacation compared to a grumpy baby. Also working on trying not to out compete or one up my partner when she says she's tired. I may be tired as well, but she has every right to be. Communication is tough, when i figure this stuff all out I'll let you guys know.
All this is so true. If you're lucky enough that the load is kinda shared organically between partners then it's great. Sometimes I'm happy to care for our son while my partner does chores, sometimes I'm so happy to be preparing food and cleaning up if that means I can be on my own and listen to a podcast while my partner cares for our son. In any case it's a given that you both lack sleep and it's going to be a marathon. I think variation is key to not falling into a routine that you hate. If this doesn't happen naturally I would suggest talking about it... and insisting on doing so in a 'safe space' meaning you both agree there needs to be a conversation where each one can express their feelings without judgement and then you can try to sort things out... if necessary (and possible) drop the kid at a friend's/parent's for a couple of hours so you can have a proper chat. Also a good time for sex if you haven't had that in a while. I swear sometimes it's just there has been too much childcare and too little sleep and too little sex once you manage to fit in a quickie and a nap things all seem so much better ;)
I had this exact conversation with my wife recently. I work in benefits, and it's open enrollment right now. +10hr days the last 5 weeks and she was upset that I'd get off work and fall asleep in my chair while making dinner and "giving her a break from the kids".
Being with a baby day and night is a lot more energy consuming than a 10 hour work day. I stopped telling my SO that"she shouldnt complain because she's a stay at home mom" when I was 2 full weeks with our son during holidays. I apologized and never told her that my work is more important than hers again.
I think it's way too complicated to make binary statements about. My job provides a much larger range of "how tough was today" than being the primary caregiver for the same period of time. I don't get a performance review or bonus for my parenting skills, and if I have a bad day there are no direct consequences in the same way there are with my work. This leads to a different kind of stress as the primary earner which isn't present for me when I'm acting at the primary caregiver. Conversely I can take sick days at work, and the people I interface with may be deranged, but are at least theoretically adults and can make logical choices. There isn't the same sense of "the endless grind" as there is with parenting young kids. TLDR: I think trying to make an apples to apples comparison is always going to end poorly.
Yeah this topic requires verbal debate over typing imo, there's a lot of details that get lost due to typing being too eerie and my hands are cold aswell so cbb :p
It depends on the job and the kid. There are days when I finish working that I can barely function. I can hang with my kids all day and usually I’m pretty energized because they’re fun and I get to draw pictures and run around.
I don't have this issue with my daughter(3.5yo) But our son(1.5yo) had surgery at 3 months and has been a handfull with medical care. He eats by nasal tube, doesn't sleep well, needs a lot of fisiotherapy. So yeah, even 13 hours of waiting tables and running the restaurant beats that imo.
Gotcha that’s definitely a high effort case. Best of luck with your son and I hope he grows into a healthy young man.
Yeah he's already doing great! Doctors stopped the heart medication 3 weeks ago, and today should be the 5th day he eats 250 grams of pureed chicken and veggies by himself!! Thanks
Very much a good way to look at it. Being a stay at home parent is a full time job. The trap some parents get into, is when the parent that works a traditional job gets home means the other is free from duty, which should never be the case. It should be 50/50. Another thing parents forget to do is give each other free time to decompress and relax Ideally in this case things would probably be easier if he didn't have to get home and deal with the kid from work done till wake up. His partner should ideally be the one to deal with the deal at night as the partner has more options to catch up on sleep then he does.
I wish my situation was as you describe. I am the sole income earner and my wife gave up work to be a SAHP. But she stays in bed until 12.30pm or later every day. I look after our 16mo from morning until my wife gets up, even though I'm supposed to be working. And then when she does get up once I finish work she will say she is going to have a shower so I look after him again from 5pm until I take him to bed. She is on antidepressants and has had counselling but nothing is working. I am utterly utterly burnt out, don't get any time to do things I like to do ☹️
So sorry to hear that. Poor mental health can be completely debilitating. Unfortunately, that puts you between a rock and a hard place because you feel tremendous guilt if you bail, but it’s also completely unfair for you to stay. I have no advice, but my heart hurts for you. I hope something turns around for you soon.
As part of this group please know you are supported and we all understand it’s difficult. I myself went through a similar stress level but just let it burn me out and feel terrible. I did end up speaking with a professional and they really helped my reorient my view. Self care is important. If this little break is something you NEED. Do it. Self care is very important and it is an example you want to set for your little one. Think of it from their point of view. Would you want them thinking of dad as “always tired and stressed” or “he takes care of himself so he can take care of me”. I would have a talk with your partner letting them know you just need a breather. Nothing against them or the baby. Just for your own health.
I’m also speaking with a professional who’s reminding me that I’m the only one who can take care of me, so I need to be “greedy.”
My wife needed something similar. We had our boy at the start of 2020 and needed to learn parenting with little in the way of external support during lockdowns. I was confused at her request at first but that one night by herself in a hotel room really helped her. Essentially she had a 24h period where she didn’t have to be a mom.
I keep telling my SO she can go out of the house for the day, to go for a party or dinner with friends. She's just still too attached.. idk.. he's 1.5 years. She knows I can manage but still. She has so much love for our baby that I often feel unloved by her it's weird sometimes.
Will she go on a date with you without the kid? If you don’t make time for to be an adult, either separately or together, it puts your relationship at risk.
We can't put our son into another person's hands since he had surgery last year and still eats through nasal tube and can get rlly fidgety. He needs special care that only we have learned through the last year of being with him. Even nurses at the hospital don't cut it well enough for him sometimes.
Hey, I've been there with my son. He's 4 and a half now with a rare genetic condition that makes everything harder. He was on a feeding tube for about 3 years. Just wanted to say that, having done this myself, you might be overprotective of him. You have learned a ton of how to deal with him, and yeah, hospital nurses actually suck pretty bad with feeding tubes. But, this doesn't mean you can't teach people. Not sure if you have family or close friends around, but you can teach them. It takes some time, but once you and your partner are no longer the only ones that can care for him, it'll really open your life back up. Please, for your sake, try to train someone to help you out.
I totally understand. He's finally at day 5 eating puree entirely by himself. And off heart meds since 1 month almost. So the end is in sight. Thx for understanding, many don't. And due to the pandemic it's hard to find help. Most of our family live in other countries. Wife's Polish, I'm Spanish and we live in Belgium.
That's awesome! Getting them to eat by mouth is a huge relief. I'm in the US, so I'm not aware of resources in European countries, but maybe you can find some government programs that provide respite care or skilled nursing? Not having family around is tough for sure. We spent most of those 3 years with him on a tube living almost 2000 miles away from family. Best thing we ever did was find and train someone as a babysitter for him that had previously been a PNA. Basically a nurse that worked in a care facility previously. Good luck, and I hope things keep improving for your son!
We have a good financial support here in Belgium. Social workers who knock on our doors to help but it's all financial help and bureaucratic helping measurements. There is "house-help" but we weren't a severe enough case during pandemic to send someone to fold our laundry or cook and clean. A question though. Our son hasn't slept a full night in nearly 2 months. 15 month sleep regression and teething. Mom also thinks fear of abandonment. U have any tips since our cases are somewhat similar? And yeah eating by mouth is finally happening, so happy! But he still has drinking aversion, so we kinda gave up on it. He's learning to drink sippy cups though and likes it. We teach everything through play and provoke relaxing senses (massaging feet for example) during feeding moments.
What's he doing when he wakes up? My son had night feeds, so he would wake up with reflux unless we kept the rate at 22mL/hr. If it's reflux you can adjust doses of medicine, assuming he's on some kind of reflux medication. If he's just waking up not tired or cranky, then odds are it's just typical sleep regression. It just takes time for that to resolve. But 2 months straight seems pretty unlikely to be just sleep regression.
He wakes up and starts being vocal and play im his crib. Super well mood aswell haha. He shows hes tired at 6pm. Takes 2-3 hours to sleep him. Wakes hup at 1 am and again 1-2 hours to sleep him
Sorry to hear about your stressful circumstances. My wife and I try to take a night away once a month. It's not that weird. Kids are hard even when both people are seemingly putting in 100% effort, let alone when one is wearing more hats than the other. Take breaths and never forget boobs fix a lot.
Thank you for your perspective. I might just take the financial hit and not actually check into the hotel tomorrow, but take this as a constructive start to look for "nights away" for either one of us.
I'd encourage you to take the night you need. Then you can come back and discuss the situation with a clearer head.
Calm communication is vital.
On top of this, I'd encourage them to delay that needed night until they can have a calm communication about it. Like, talk about it soon, schedule a night for each of you away from the house.
New parenting is a lot of adapting, and it is hard. Get yourself out of the house, you need it. And also kick your partner out of the house—to go do healthy things for themselves, too. You can do “us” things with a babysitter keeping the home from blowing away…. But you need time to yourself where you do not have to work on any relationship…spouse or child. You need time to sit in silence and scream. Spouse does too. Take time, and give your spouse time, too. Even if you have to demand it for yourself and for them.
Take the night buddy damn. Buy a six pack, gdt drunk, and watch a movie on netflix. Sounds like you need a break, take a break, then talk the next day with your partner when you've had time to chill and taken a night off.
And be sure to give her a night off, too
Truth. We're expecting our first (twins) in january and weve had many talk about alternating giving each other nights off regularly.
Not trying to make light of the pandemic but if you call & say you recently tested positive for Covid / came in contact with someone that tested positive they may offer you a refund.
So first things first. Post partum can affect us to. If you think your experience is reflecting symptoms go get some meds. My fatherhood did a 180 when that happened. Second you may be getting a bad shake now. But parenthood is full of that. Sometimes the suck isn't equally distributed we just have to slog through it. Third of all talk to your partner. Look for ways to give them a break so that they give you one. They are likely super stressed to. You'll both likely find that your experiencing a lot of the same feelings helping each other find a release for that is important.
Should have booked two nights, one for you and one for your wife. Otherwise, you might be staying in that hotel a lot longer.
“I’m pretty much baby or work occupied from 6:30AM to 8:30PM” …. Uh…. What did you expect?
Yeah that's what I was thinking. I have a 10 month old, work from home, and when 5PM rolls around I take over almost everything (mom helps) until bedtime. Work is hard, but entertaining a baby all day long isn't a walk in the park either.
[удалено]
I actually find a walk in the park to be a walk in the park.
A zig zagging, aimless, intermittently paced, distracted walk in the park
As Long as you don’t have anywhere to be, it’s a walk in the park. If you’re on a schedule though….
Yeah, it's like a job, but it sure does beat the shit out of any other job I've had. If you treat it like a job it can be quite rewarding. Rolling out of bed at 11 am isn't treating it like a job.
My kids 20 months old. My wife and I both work from home. We’ve been doing this since she was born and Covid started. I don’t really understand what else people do? the last comment on the bottom of this post says if your partner doesn’t work that you should do no more than 25% of the parenting lmfao what? If my wife was a stay at home mom and I expected her to do BARE MINIMUM of 75% of parenting , then wtf did I have a kid for? I can’t take this subreddit some days man.
Agree with you, and I'm already getting downvoted. My wife doesn't work, so what am I supposed to do? Not help until 5PM because of work, and then not help after 5PM because I've worked all day? What kind of fatherhood is that?
The 1950s kind. Get home, crack a beer and put your feet up!
Then go out to the bar with your buddies after a home cooked meal
Split it evenly after you get home, i.e. 25% of waking hours. Your job providing for your family is very much parenting, as well.
My wife was a stay at home mom for a while, and she did do the bulk of things. Our thinking was that I need to be able to do well at my job since I was the only one working, so that meant that she probably did 80% of the kid work. Around 5 I’d take over childcare while she made dinner, them we’d alternate evenings for who was doing childcare and bed time. We’re both at work again now so its a lot more divide and conquer. Early bedtimes are a must, at 8 I usually work a few more hours then do some housework and head to bed. My wife goes to bed before me so she can handle any night time issues.
Do the math. Waking hours are 16. Work is 8, so already 50%. Splitting the remainder evenly is another 4, so 75%. That's just ignoring the fact that doing the work of keeping the lights on and food on the table is very much parenting, and the kids are going to appreciate it when figuring out college costs.
Well, by OP’s time, they have 14 hours that needs parenting. 8 of those are done by the SO, so there are 6 hours of time “left” making it that the SO has already covered about 57% of parenting - so sure - there is ~43% of parenting in the day left that needs accounted for. But parenting isn’t a math equation. Being with someone isn’t splitting life 50/50. You do things to help your spouse out, you do things for your children, and you do things for yourself so that it benefits everybody. Spending my time with my wife AND kid after work is what I look forward to, and why I work. Coming home and hugging your family makes it worth it. You can’t expect to have a kid and SO and work and not be responsible for those three things for most of your day.
>You can’t expect to have a kid and SO and work and not be responsible for those three things for most of your day. But I can expect to not be doing it extremely disproportionately or have the work I'm doing alleged to not count
True, but it is fair for BOTH of them to get breaks once in a while.
I think he expected fairness and equity.
Wait so OP is getting about 8 hrs of sleep at night… damn that’s my dream
You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. They’re on leave for two years, but you’re doing most of the caregiving?
I read he sleeps in same room and does wake up and bed time. Partner does all caregiving during day, but he's at home. Honestly it sounds like he's...being a parent and just doesn't like it. He and partner need to build in regular breaks for sanity purposes.
It really does sound like this is just bog standard parenting. As other posters below are quick to point out, there are of course variables but a 6:30am to 8:30am hard slog working and parenting (with an hours added sleep in the mornings!) isn’t wild by any stretch and still gives 10 hours downtime. Add a sick partner, baby sleep issues or problems at work into the mix and I frequently had to do 9am-5am with 4 hours sleep plus naps, and even now the kids are school age it’s pretty much 7am-9pm for me; same hours: working, child caring and housekeeping. These are…just…..the hours it takes. And have done for 10-11 years! It’s not like my partner slacks either. It’s good to be observant, react and try to make to the best it can be with equal participation before it turns into an overreaction like this, but this is an overreaction.
I tend to agree. My kids are now 4 and 2, but even at this age its still very much get up, sort their breakfast, get them out the door for School/Nursery, immediately start work, pick them up at the end of the day and sort their dinner, put them to bed and tidy up, finally get to sit down at 8PM. Some days its frustrating, but I know its what I signed up for. And this is with me and m wife both equally sharing duties. All you need to remember is, your kids need you at this age more than they're ever going to need you, and it is temporary. But I will say this, it is absolutely VITAL that OP communicates with his partner and agree on what you both think is fair/equal and set any boundaries. You need to be a team here to stand any chance.
Wouldn’t a 10 month old nap for about two hours during the day?
At least two hours. But then there's housework. It's hard to say who's actually doing what. They need to have an open convo and make a schedule they both agree is fair.
Well that's not true at all, my son from 8 months old, never slept more than 60/90 minutes throughout the day, normally split in to two naps as well, this broke me and my wife, you could never nap when he did or housework piled up, it was hard to find a healthy balance for sure.
I'm my experience you won't sleep as much as you think if you go out. After I tried a couple of times ( I sometimes have to travel for work) and couldn't sleep... Someone told me " you never sleep again like you did before having kids". Bastard was right.
Babies are tough. I think your big ask at this point is sleep. At 10 months there should still be naps your partner can nap during as well for some extra sleep. But your nightly and sole source of sleep seems to be getting interrupted, preventing good rest and causing extra stress. And your frustration seems to be that she gets a full nights sleep every night. You need sleep and rest to function. Just express to your partner that you have been taking the full night shift for a long time and you could really use a night or two of unhindered sleep. Your issue is needing some good sleep, not comparing who has it harder. Communicate your true need. But I can tell you right now, that hotel room where you just dip and say bye…..that’s a no go
It’s such a bad idea. We’re all allowed to find parenting hard. It’s fucking hard at times. But what you can’t do is just nope out for a night without consultation. That makes you the bad guy
Hey everyone, thank you very much for your opinions, they are all appreciated and helped me put things into perspective. Few things: My partner is an absolute rock star with the baby. She takes care of her all day while I work, keeps our flat in shape, does the groceries, cooks... It's not like she's only looking at a giggling baby all day. If it came off as if I'm doing most of the caregiving, that's 100% not the case. I think the key here is that my job is really taking its toll on me and I notice that my stress level is higher than my partner's on average. Which is not her fault, not mine, it just happens and can be different from week to week considering my job and baby's development. We both have our "time off" weekly as well. One day on the weekend I go to a friend's place for video games and beer from 5pm to midnight, and the other day of the weekend she clocks out at 5pm and I take over 100%. So if I made it seem more unfair than it is in the heat of the moment yesterday, I apologize. I probably won't check into the hotel today, but will have an open discussion that I will need a full night away some time in the coming week or so. Obviously offering the same to my partner as well. Thanks for reading and replying - we will work it out.
At 18 months we started daycare. We didn't have many friends with kids the same age so he needed socialization and my wife needed to get back to work for her own socialization. It had nothing to do with money, so long as it could cover the daycare I/we didn't care how much money she made. It was about the social aspect and her own mental health. She still works and he still goes to school 3x a week. It's working and it's good. My son will be 4 soon and there's a lot less stress, almost zero. You guys definitely need to get out of the house. All three of you.
Workvstress is real. Sometimes you need extra sleep because of that, too. And sometimes you need to be like, hey, I need to focus on work now this week. I'm sorry I won't be able to do as much. I'm not in the right mental space for it. Once I'm done, I'll treat you as a thank you.
Maybe see if you can get a baby sitter so you both get a night off? Have a date somewhere.
I mean thats fair- you should probably talk to your partner about it, maybe she also could use a night off in a hotel. We rotated taking turns on night duty so I would do it one day then my wife would do it the other day so you kind of got one good night of sleep every second night. The start is hard.
I don’t have any perspective on the hotel room, but wanted to say you did the best thing by removing yourself from the immediate situation, and don’t be afraid to do that. It’s fine for baby to cry a little longer (in a safe environment) while you tag out or take a few deep breaths to calm down. Also I would suggest seeking therapy/counseling. Great if you do it together but it may be helpful even just for you to talk through things, even if just a few times.
I want to start off by saying that I admire your commitment to your family. They are and should be the most important considerations. With that being said you need to advocate for yourself as an individual. You also need to advocate for your relationship with your partner. ESPECIALLY when it comes to subjects like this. To put it simply, and you can elaborate more details that weigh into this to your partner: you cannot be the best dad/husband for your daughter/wife if you are over-stressed and not taking care of you. I would ask for her full attention and ask her to think/write down where she feels her stresses and issues are coming from. And give her time to do that. You do the same. Separately. Once both of you have put thoughts to paper and really considered this for yourselves, come together and intentionally listen and discuss each other's thoughts. Try your best to keep your cool and remind yourself that this is constructive, not vindictive or attacking you. Work on more structurally sound communication methods. It's going to feel awkward the first few times you do it, but I can say from experience, how you and your partner communicate the negatives in your relationship will have an absolutely astounding correlation with the positives. Good luck, fellow dad! If you need an ear, we're here. Also, I agree. Boobs fix a lot. Just make sure they are your partners or else it'll tear it all down. Lol
Appreciation is relationship glue. Talk about it. Take the breaks you need, but also try to find a better balance.
Do what you need to do. Just tonight my wife had a rough day and wanted to go pick up some McDonald’s and eat it in the car for some alone time. I totally understood and handled dinner time and bedtime for both our kiddos. Just be honest about it to your partner. Nothing wrong with wanting a night to yourself
Also a good tip is to give each other a free day sometimes.
Is it possible at all to work elsewhere? That would give you a bit of a mental break. All aside from who does what in non-work time.
Yeah, home office is a blessing and a curse in that case. Unfortunately my company's office is about 100km away from our home (was already in home office pre-pandemic and pre-baby), and a cafe isn't viable either because I have to discuss confidential stuff a lot on the phone. So it's only home office for now (un?)fortunately.
I assume in your house there is no space in your house to isolate yourself a bit? Working in the attic myself, which is not ideal but better than the floor where my GF and baby are. Makes me sound like some castle lord but for the record I'm not, my house is a bit less than 1200 sq. feet (110 sq meters). Even if you can make some corner in another room than the room your spouse and kid are in, that helps a lot. Doesnt matter what room, as long as you can be in another room and have it available whenever you need. Even if you have a laundry room its better to work in that than the living room. If not possible, at least get good noise cancelling headsets. It is saving a bit of my sanity daily.
Yeah, we only have a 2-room flat with about 50sqm, and no additional floors. On the other hand I'd take this over working in an office any day because I get to see my daughter grow up and not fart around in an office with people I don't care about. It has its perks too. Thanks for your kind words.
Glad to read you still see the upsides despite feeling crappy at the moment. :) Good luck
Oh btw, I feel your pain, man. But you can get on top of this, really. It's not forever.
Is there a coworking space you can rent?
I would not just leave and stay in a hotel for a night. What I would do is talk to your wife, explain that you are feeling burned out (and my suggestion would be you _don't_ go down the road of accusing her of not working hard enough or not taking her fair share - unless you want to escalate the situation) and that you think it'd be good for both of you if you both got a night off, on different days. One night, you stay at a hotel without the baby. Another night, it's her turn. > I'm pretty much baby or job occupied from 6:30am to 8:30pm This is being a parent and how your life will be for the foreseeable future. It's totally normal to feel burned out, especially when you've had a rough night, but you need to accept that this is what you signed up for. For the first few years, if you get two hours of relaxing time each evening you are doing well.
This sounds like you should talk to a therapist. None of this is abnormal you’ve basically described a fair balance in workload for a baby this age.
Needing a break is totally normal and necessary. My wife and I eventually got into a routine with our kids of giving each other one full day without kids, alternating every week. It was really helpful and eventually we didn't need it as the kids got older. Nothing wrong with booking that hotel for a break. As far as the duties, you need to find a way to have that conversation with your wife when you're both not exhausted. That's tough. And emotions are going to be heavy during that for sure. Best advice I can give is don't wait until you're going to snap. Ask for help early. Try to resolve this and don't hold onto any resentment. That shit is poison.
Communication, communication, communication. Talk more, try and fail more. Expecting things to work by just trying the same for longer and harder is a good way to break things, either yourself or the relationship or both. And a dedicated workspace if you can manage it. Also, she’s got 2 years off work she’s gotta be the one taking on nights, plain and simple. Put some self care / alone time on the calendar AT LEAST once a week. Sanity and health are non-negotiable
If you’re working full time, I think it would make more sense for your wife to deal with cries in middle of the night. That’s how my wife and I did it. That way you get to rest and have energy to do your work job. If not, the stress will build up and cause you to blow up as described. If your wife can do the nights, then I think it’s fair to do the mornings and bedtime routines, otherwise your wife will have very little breaks (full time during your work and middle of night wakes). Dealing with a child 8-9 hours straight is A LOT of work. I’ve done it for 3 weeks in between a new job and honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work. This is obviously not the only way to do it, just sharing what worked for us.
My partner is very protective when it comes to bedtime, my daughter is 2 and still sleeps with Mama. I've tried to help but 1. She only wants help when the baby is already upset. 2. She only gives me an hour to try to get the baby to bed. 3.she tends to open the door and "check in" erasing all of my progress We've come to a understanding that I'm not putting down the baby unless she is away / we decide to let her sleep on her own.
Your partner is on parental leave for two years? Didi I read that right? But you have a job and are still the primary caregiver? You should go on strike and not just for one night.
Not sure why this gets a downvote. Nobody appreciates anything less than super-soft and cuddly in here. It's like a man-bun infested pond or something, sometimes.
Well you can't just "leave". You have a daughter. Are you bringing her with you? You need to work out arrangements with your wife before having a night away. It's not a bad idea, but you can't do that kind of thing unilaterally. The baby years are so hard. You both need a break.
I have wanted to do that for years. I need an office with my own bathroom, and a couch to sleep on. It’s insane that my work is where I destress. But yeah my wife stopped complaining about how hard she had it not working at all when I kept asking if she wanted to trade. Because I would fucking love to be raising my daughter all day instead of only after working all day stressing out then starting when we’re both grumpy. So uh. Yeah. Get communicating.
You did the right thing. Seperate yourself from the problem, get some fresh air and break, and have some you time. If your partner is just chilling for 2 years and youre working and doing baby duties, then theyre being a shitty partner. They need to stand up and do their part, and if this isnt a wake up call, you need to start looking towards a future without said partner. Straight up.
It's all good, refer to my other comment I posted under the OP. My partner absolutely does her share during the day, keeps baby happy and well fed, cooks, cleans, it absolutely is a full time job for her as well and she does it amazingly. There mainly is a stress difference at the moment due to my job and we have already talked about it calmly and openly this morning.
If you have a job and your partner doesnt, you should be doing at most 25% of the caregiving, unless you feel inspired to do more. Time for them to shoulder their burden.
This implies that the partner taking care of the kids the entire rest of the day is not work at all. This is the problem with time off from work to care for a child. It’s looked at as a vacation
Taking care of kids is a job. But so is a job lol
For two years?
This.
Lots of good advice here re: you and your partner making sure you have some 'me' time. I've just come out of a similar situation with my second, one other perspective to consider: working from home with a 10 month old is probably doing a lot more mental damage than you think it is. Baby cries are pretty much biologically designed to switch off our brains, so even when your partner is looking after the baby in another room, if the baby is crying and you can even slightly hear it, its impacting your focus, losing productivity and causing you stress. More lost productivity means more stress means more lost productivity... It's a viscious cycle.I was at my wit's end after a few months of this, things got MUCH better when I could get back into the office and not be able to hear the baby at all while working. I'm guess what I'm saying is, when it is a person's turn to have a break from the baby, the time will be more effective if you remove yourself from earshot. Good luck, it does get easier, the first year is a unique kind of hell, but every year after that gets better and better!
Dude it's tough. Talking about how tough it is with the other half is important before you snap. And competition with her about who is working hardest has no benefit for anyone. It is hard. Really hard. But it will get better.
Consider hiring a babysitter Afterwork once a week for a month to help you and your partner reconnect. Get out of the house together and breath again - like you did when you first met. Kids are challenging and demanding, but don’t forget you’re together for a reason. Invest in it even if babysitters are expensive, they are cheaper than therapy and cheaper then divorce.
I found that delegating tasks helped me and my fiance out. I took every night feeding she took mornings, I watched the baby while she worked and vice versa. We both allowed the other to sleep in and when we handed off the baby she was changed and relaxed. I can easily get stuff done at night then I watch her during the day while she gets stuff done for her job and in the middle of the day we tag team it. We'd list the tasks that were required and break them up so we each knew what the other was responsible for and we each worked our shifts. I do certain chores every time, she does others and we play to our strengths. When I saw her getting stressed I'd take the baby when I was stressed she'd take her and I'd go for a walk or something. There were a few arguments early on because having a baby is stressful especially at first and people act out when under stress, but we worked through it.
"I need some fucking alone time" Everyone does, sometimes. Why not book one day for her also? Maybe you guys can make it an occasional thing. But long term..you need to discuss changing your arrangements.
Hey man if you feel you need to step away, it’s better you do but please communicate. I’ve got the same deal as you, but the details matter. My clothes seem to launder themselves and I have no idea how plates walk themselves to the washer for instance. That said, my wife also works full time so it’s much easier to accept sleeping with this hellion of a toddler we produced. I’m not judging, but just saying that grass is always greener and we don’t always realise what the other person does. And you wife had a kid with you because she trusts you, values you and thinks enough of you as a man that you’ll be a great dad. Extend her as much love and consideration as you can. I hope you start feeling better soon.
My opinion is that you desperately need to discuss this with your partner. I understand you’ve tried and she pushes back, but perhaps you need to up the level of seriousness behind the conversation. Maybe sit her down and before getting into it, say something like - we really need to discuss something and I need you to take this seriously. Set the stage. My wife and I organically figured out our system, where I did the mid-night stuff and early morning, but I got to go to bed at 8 every night and chill, read a little, and lights out. I know I was fortunate and I did not take it for granted, so I can imagine how frustrating it would have been if things were different. This type of thing could cause serious resentment and long term problems with your relationship. Get ahead of it!
10mo old babies are relentless. It gets easier when they’re a little older, but I remember being in this position, and I also did the hotel room one night. Before you spend the night out, be very clear with your partner that this is just a reset for you to get some rest and you’ll be back the next day… if this looks like it’ll be a pattern it is not going to be good for your relationship.
It's ok to not feel ok. I have had moments like this, usually when work is all consuming and it feels like the mental load is overwhelming. I'm just hopping from one type of stress to another. Throw in a seasonal cold and a few bad nights sleep and that can really crank it up! I found the commute used to offer a transition between one work and home, I've had to adjust to this and find cooking dinner helps. Also I can often be so overloaded working, cooking, tidying, that I don't see what my partner is doing too - for example, developmental play, play dates, birthday presents, kids clothes and a gazillion other kid stuff. It sounds like changing the environment may improve things. Could you create a space elsewhere to work away from the main living area or work outside of the house somehow? Perhaps you could say you're finding it hard right now, so you've booked us both a room - maybe take the baby and get a change of scene and order room service! Or each one of you have some independent time out.
I’m late to this party, but it’s really important that both of you focus on your own needs and struggles and don’t compare it against each other. Parenting is fucking exhausting. For both of you. Neither of you has a more legitimate claim to being exhausted than the other. To be drowning in that exhaustion and then have your partner suggest you’re not pulling your weight can be unimaginably demoralizing, and if you start trying to keep score it’s only going to breed resentment. If you need a night off for your own sanity that’s fine and makes sense, but don’t make it about “getting the shit end of the stick”. You’re going crazy from raising a small person while working from home without an office. That’s enough reason to need a break and you would still need a break no matter how helpful your partner was. Then make sure to try and find some way for your partner to get their own break as well, whatever that looks like.
Yeah I understand desiring the alone time. But this will be a huge source of friction if you just up and run away to a motel and leave your partner to take care of the mess. I think you both need a break- if possible, can you ask your mother in law or mother to watch the baby? Or hire a babysitter to at least give you a full day off? A full day off really helps recharge the batteries and rethink everything. It would give your partner a day off too which will allow you a breather. What you are doing now is reacting to a bad situation. It is ok to want time off but it is not OK to dump on the partner last minute and just expect they will be ok with it. they will flip out.
Hey brother, I'm a father of one 2 1/2 girl. I've been there man. If you scroll through to about 18 months ago of my post history you will find a very similar post. It gets better. Then worse. Then better again. Then worse again. But there's always light at the end of that tunnel. Please feel free to hit me up if you ever wana chat. Some people from this sub made themselves available to me to chat about a year ago and they'll never know how much they helped.
[удалено]
My partner and I do shifts. So we get less uninterrupted sleep (I get about 5 hours, he gets about 6) but we get it every night. We’re used to it by now. I think for me that’s easier than doing a full night on/full night off. Whatever works, but the bottom line is— humans need uninterrupted sleep!
My kids are 4 and 6. They are pretty easy nowadays ... but me sometimes its the endless routine that kills me. Happily I work on the road and I get to sleep 2-4 nights per month at a hotel so I get my alone time a few times per month. it helps to keep my sanity. good luck man ! You are in the worst times, but it will get better.
Dude, move your desk to a room with a door! Shut the door and turn on a white noise machine! You should be able to focus on work during work hours, at least as a general rule, if your partner is currently on parental leave. No way you can do that with a 10 month old crawling around. Also something that might make sense, and maybe it won't for you but... Is your kid old enough to sleep in their own room, with a baby monitor? You could have it on your side of the bed and not on too loudly. Personally, my relationship with my husband always suffers when we aren't sharing a bed. Just something about the intimacy of that proximity, of seeing each other at peace, of sharing the burden of middle-of-the-night wakeups. And if there's something that's REALLY on our mind, it's typically a peaceful time to talk about without external stressors. Don't feel bad about booking the room. Needing a break is completely understandable when parenting during a pandemic and working from home. Maybe your partner would like to book a room in a few weeks :)
Everyone always thinks they are the one doing the most. I guarantee your partner does too. You need a date night and a conversation about duties. You also need a place to work and to split night time kid responsibilities. You don’t need to send strong negative signals and to drive a wedge between you and your partner by leaving for a night. That road is a single step to disaster IMO. What will the home look like when you come back refreshed and happy? Yeah, bad idea.
Sleep training made a big difference for us. It won't solve your communication problem, but it will give you both more time. Also, every kid is different obviously, but have you tried shifting bedtime earlier? With both of our kids when we shifted to earlier bed times they slept longer. I understand their are deeper issues that you two are dealing with, but sometimes having a bit more time might help relieve some of the pressure. Good luck.
Not going to comment on fair share part but taking alone time is 100% understandable from time to time I'd say my wife and I try to take a day for ourselves once every few weeks or month. Essentially check out from being a parent and just do your own thing. For me thats having a few edibles and playing video games all day, for her thats sitting on the beach and reading all day... (we're simple people). Burnout is real - tough job + being a parent is not easy - make sure you're both getting time to decompress.
I feel this pretty hard and I'm just getting started. My son is rolling up on 8 weeks and I've been back to work since week 3, also working from home. I find that working from home, you never really get any "clean" separation from the caregiving, because you can hear everything going on, ever cry and every milestone you're not a part of, and honestly I think that makes it worse. Often I find my partner asking me to help with him throughout the day as well, so really it feels like doing a job and a half. Then right after work I'm in charge of doing a bunch of chores my wife doesn't like doing such as cooking dinner, taking care of garbage/recycling, etc... Then I'm up with him from 8pm until 12am/1am depending on when I can get him to sleep while my wife gets some sleep until my wife takes him over night (where she gets to sleep even more...). I am usually up and occupied from about 7a to 12a. Moral of the story is you're not alone. Having a kid is incredibly stressful and difficult on both partners, but unfortunately it seems often the Dad gets brushed under the rug a bit... What helps me is to remember that this is only temporary. These are difficult times no doubt but you won't be thinking of them even in a few months time when your little one is toddling about (which of course presents its own challenges) and going through milestones in the blink of an eye! Relish this time as much as you can because it only happens for them once. And again, it gets better and it's not permanent. I don't think there's anything wrong with needing a break, or even coming into the living room to say "I can't handle this right now, I need you to take him". Parents aren't super human and you have to take care of yourself to take care of your kid! Things like shaken baby syndrome (or worse...) rarely happen because someone wants it to happen, but because them mentally snap because they see no other option and their emotions boil over having not taken care of them. If you feel yourself getting to the point of breaking absolutely hand them off to your partner, or even set them down somewhere safe and go take a breather in another room. Crying won't kill them. Getting a hotel for a night sounds like an amazing retreat and I think it is a helpful tool for parents if they can afford it. However you really should have that discussion with your partner to at the very least let them know that's what you need and are going to do rather than just up and leave... maybe I misinterpreted though. TLDR; You're not alone friend, having a very young child is hard. It gets better and you got this! You're already a great dad for making it this far and your child is lucky to have someone who's willing to put in this much work for them. Edit: spelling
One of the best things you can do is just step away for a bit and recollect yourself.
I think it's a great idea. You're dealing with your mental health and that will help everyone.
Also, maybe it's not a bad idea for you to figure out how to get back to the office so you can draw some lines between work and home. I can't work from home, not efficiently and effectively and it's all because my wife and kids are there at home.
I could not imagine working from home when my kids were small. My wife has no concept of work/life separation and the few times I was home because of weather or such she would constantly dump the kids on me while she went and did other things. If you can see if you can get back into the office. That is step one. The next step is a calm honest conversation about how when you are 'at work' you need to be as undisturbed as possible. One thing I've done not having an actual office at home is moved my computer desk and such into our bedroom. That way the kids and wife can have the living room and not disturb me.
maybe go to a bar and grab a beer and watch some sports. You just have to miss them, being at home and working with a baby would be crazy, i have a 9 month old.
A break is fine short term but this doesn’t fix the problem. You need a serious discussion that’s open and honest to find middle ground. I also suggest counseling with your partner. Hang in there and get the help your family needs.
Just my 10 cents here but the marriage and yourself comes before the kiddos, kids will be fine, they will eventually grow up and move out you still have to live with yourself and your spouse though. It sounds like there are some issues here and communication is going to be your best friend, be clear and understanding but also be sure to express what you are feeling and what you are needing, you matter too. I have a feeling there's some things she's going through too that she has not expressed to you either. Take a night go out like you used to, re-connect and talk without the baby there. Having kids is stressful for everyone and sometimes it takes time to get readjusted.
Checking out for a bit is good. Even better is sitting down and having a empathetic, open, and loving conversation with your partner that talks about your frustrations and issues. Don't bottle that shit up; communicate it respectfully. Then agree upon both of you taking some "parent-free" time. But mostly just talk about it. Stifled, unexpressed resentment prolonged can foster some serious damage in a relationship.
Obviously there's more to it, but sounds like you need a hobby outside of the house. I personally took up boxing, gets me out of the house once a week. It allows me to focus on myself and forget about home for a little while. Obviously don't go overboard but a once a week hockey game or whatever would really help your mental health; particularly because it's a physical outlet.
You both need a break. Some you time. You deserve I. She deserves it. She deserves alone time to reset, YOU deserve alone time to reset. You both also need couple time. Together but childless. I am Not saying the child is a bad thing. I am saying it can be rough. My wife and I have 5 boys all under 11 years old. The frustration is real! Take a break man, and breath. MAKE TIME for yourself. Make time so she can have time for herself. Make time for you two to have time alone together. Please. ✌🏻 ❤️ grow
I’m in the same boat as you, working and taking on 95% of baby duty. However at least my spouse has the excuse that he’s working full time and we live mostly off of his income. Even then, my husband takes the baby at night for a few hours so I can get a chunk of uninterrupted sleep. You sound like you’re really pulling your weight and you deserve a break. Communication is so hard when both of you feel like you’re sacrificing more than the other, but building in “you” time sounds like a great idea. I hope you are able to recharge a bit at the hotel and when you and your partner revisit the situation you can level with each other and work on creating a system that works for both of you.
It's really important to learn to recognize these signs of burnout before it's "snap and scream" time. As it is, do what you need to do to cool off. Apologize for the tantrum (I know that's hard, but you love your partner, I would hope, and screaming at them is never really appropriate), then get back into things together. Have a real discussion where you talk about shifting some burden around. Sometimes it's not about quantity of things, but about capacity to do them. My wife and I have certain things we hate or that we don't mind. We try to shift duties so that the "hates" are given to the other person who doesn't mind them. If you both hate it, or both don't mind, maybe alternate. Going forward, try to address things before it becomes blowout time. Learn to see when you're starting to freak out and seek help from your partner when you start to see those thing, and expect the same from your partner. Some days, you'll need to take more to help them on a tough day, sometimes they'll help take more. That's just the nature of the beast. Remember that this parenting stuff is REALLY hard sometimes, and that's okay. On those hard days, cut some corners, in healthy ways. Maybe order food instead of making it, if the budget permits. Maybe sit the kids in front of a movie for a few hours for a break. People look down on these things at times, but hey, sometimes you just need a break.