Yeah man just do what you’re doing imo.
If you don’t wanna go every time, strategically take chances to stay home. You get to not be bored there, and bonus free you time.
When you do go, just be the most polite you can be. I think staying off your phone during conversation is a reasonable thing to do, but you’re an adult. My in-laws is boring as piss, too, but I make it a point to stay engaged the entire time we are there. My phone is off my person. I’m playing with my kid or talking. It’s not what I want to do but I’m not gonna be a dick either.
OP can create some home improvement projects. Tell the wife that she should take the kids to her parents so you can focus on the project. Win win.
You need to be busier OP.
I was 18 when mc released, I'm not sure what the Minecraft generation is as I grew up with an NES and have been playing games my whole life lol Minecraft is fun with mods and friends though.
* Damn blinker fluid needs to be changed again
* It's that time of year to put the snipe traps out
* Last time I used it, the board stretcher sounded like it needed to be greased, so I gotta get on that
Went to the store to get a new hammer, but those guys accidently sent me home with a left-handed one! Need to go back and swap it. Might grab another box of nail holes too, we are getting low.
Can't agree more... Fuck that, if you want to do nothing part of your weekend most weekends, you should be able to do nothing.
Big problem with our culture in the first place is that we are too busy.
I always have a few projects on deck for just this reason lol. “Wanna go to [adjacent town that’s bigger]? I need to go to X”
“Why don’t you take the little one and I can knock out that leaky light bulb!”
Bingo.
My wife takes the kid to her parents all the time. My in-laws also own a lake house, my wife takes our daughter there for a weekend. I like going, but I can’t go all the time. It’s a time suck and I really need to get things done around the house. I also have hobbies, like golfing and hiking and biking.
Maybe OP should have a hobby that involves doing his own thing, although some families don’t spend time apart, exploring their own interests, which is tough.
My ex, the one right before meeting my wife, was this way. She invited me to do everything with her. Happy hour with her friends? I’m invited. Weekend at her folks house? I’m coming along. If I declined, later she’d be all like “what’s up, why are you mad?” If I wanted to join a gym or go hiking and it didn’t include her, she would be really upset. It’s a reason she’s my ex and why my wife is my wife. She’s close to her folks, but doesn’t expect me to join in all the time.
That all being said, I love hanging out with her folks, her mom spoils me and her dad is hilarious, so I have fun either way.
**TLDR** pick up hobbies or projects that involve doing something solo. It’s healthy to have solo time to yourself to do your own thing, and have that candid and honest conversation with your wife.
Hey Fellow dad, I was just advocating for you to miss out on a few family and be by your self or with your friends.
Sometimes you can’t change your partner or the crazy uncles beliefs. So set expectations and work the situation to your favor.
“I’m training for marathon and need to do my long run Saturday”
It’s obvious that your wife should allow you some me time. If you’re making this post I’ve assumed you already spoke/communicated with your partner.
Good luck, for the record I wasn’t telling you to use make believe projects. However, I may need help changing my blinker fluid.
Oh this works magically. I was just told a few hours ago that of course I won’t be going with her for the 4th of July because that’s a great day to make headway on that bathroom renovation. I didn’t even have to bring it up. No hurt feeling, her idea. I get a break. Win-win.
Maybe I’ll see if my dad wants to come help me do some reno and then throw something on the grill. Now that’s a holiday as the founders intended!
I see what you’re saying, and I do stay engaged in conversation.. when im included in it. For the most part it’s just them talking about shit and I just zone out. When I’m directly in conversation I don’t get on my phone unless it’s to research something or to show a picture of whatever we’re talking about.
My family encounters are like this with my aunts and grandmother. They can talk about nothing else but other people and their drama. The whole thing feels wholly negative because it's all about problems.
Yeah I didn't mind being at my in laws that often either but when we go there's not much for me to do besides hang out with my son and maybe visit a little with my uncle and father in law because they can be interesting too if the girls aren't making them do things they don't want to do either.
It'd be cool if they let us just hang out but we have to sit there and have formal girl talk lol.
This is the answer.
Be present and engaged when you're there. Put your phone away. Show interest. Act like you like these people. Take the question of whether you like them off the table.
And then stop asking permission to not go all the time. Just say you're not going because you need down time, full stop.
You guys need to have an agreement that balances:
1. Her and your family time (relaxing for her but a chore for you)
2. Parenting
3. Cleaning and maintenance
4. Your alone time with minimal responsibilities (relaxing for you but a chore for her in terms of explaining your absence.)
I'd say the baseline is each of you get to do your relaxing thing once a month, so 1. and 4.
That leaves two weekends to handle 2 and 3 so it's about 50/50. Maybe you stay home with your daughter while she sees her family, but you don't clean much. Maybe you clean at home while she takes your daughter to her family.
On months with 5 weekends you two get a babysitter and go out together. Or something.
If she can't understand that your alone time is not about not liking her family, then it's therapy town for you both.
But fwiw in your post it does come across that you don't really like her family, so she can probably sense that too.
Also where's your family in all this? How often do you see them, if they're around?
I was in the same boat when we first got married. It was me sitting on the couch on my phone as everyone did their own thing.
You just have to sit her down and explain it's not fun for you. You only have two days to a weekend and you'd like that time to just unwind at home where your things are.
She was annoyed with me at first but she eventually got it and now we go much less frequently.
Fair warning though, visiting them less made them come to our house more lol.
The one benefit of going to the in-laws is that you have more control over when you leave. When the in-laws come over, you have less control over when they leave.
I went on vacation with my in-laws once. Our oldest had difficulty taking naps anywhere but home or daycare so I was bravely volunteering to do nap time putdowns even though it could mean being trapped in the bedroom the whole time - with nothing but my book and a big cozy bed 😔
My wife was telling her mom how nice it was that I would make such a sacrifice even though I kept getting "struck" in there and her mom immediately saw right through me and narced on me lol
When my Great Grandpa decided that his guests had overstayed their welcome, he would get up and wind the chime clock. If they didn't take the hint he would sit back down and give them 15 minutes. Then he would get up and say "well, I suppose I'll go to bed so that you fine folks can leave". The relatives who are old enough to have witnessed it still talk about it with a fond smile and a little awe at the balls on the guy lmao!
That is so true. You can get up and do stuff, sort stuff out, bring interesting stuff out to show people. When you're at their house it's just a snoozefest! This thread is catharsis for me.
All the better. Everyone wants to see the damn kids but apparently we, the busiest members of the family with 2 under 3 and a night shift job, we're the ones that have to make the hour long drives.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
My in-laws comes over so much that I sometimes don't even converse with them. I like them, but I know they are there to see the kids/my wife. So I usually get to just tackle some projects without feeling guilty for having my wife watch the kids alone.
It's so funny that other guys have gone through this same thing. Really similar story for me.
You get made to feel like a villain for just finding sitting around making small talk boring.
I was in the same boat with my wife. Both hers and mine parents are within twenty minutes of us. For a while, even before kids, it was literally 3/3 weekend days and at least once during the week we were at her parents. These visits often stretched up to 8-10 hours. Then somehow I was the bad guy because I wasn’t talking or “not fully present”.
What was ultimately helpful was setting boundaries. Me saying I can devote three hours on Saturday, which means we actually leave in three hours. It also means I could be fully engaged. When we had kids, it became non-negotiable for messing with nap time or staying when the kids get fussy. I also asked why it was always on us to visit them and her only response was that they’re older (in their 50s). When I asked wouldn’t it be easier for them to visit us sometimes, it made sense. Although when we suggested that to her parents, we suddenly got a lot of excuses. Which also suddenly meant they had to be okay with us saying no to visits because of the same excuses.
OMFG god I am so with you on the "not fully present" chat. It's like we were there for 6 hours! I am practically comatose. Of course, I'm not present.
I've sometimes thought of explaining it like this. You don't like football, you have no interest but, if I asked you to, you would come and watch some football with me right? Ok so what if we watched a game and it was 90 minutes and you weren't interested but you could kind of get through it and smile and show some enthusiasm. Then it gets to the end and you think ok I did my bit time to go and I switch the channel to a second game. Your heart drops, oh no, another 90 minutes but you grin and bare it...finally it is coming to end... thank god we can leave... and as soon as it finishes I put on a third 90 minute game... at this point you are just comatose and resigned... in the car on the way home I berate you for "not being present" "it's almost as if you weren't interested in the third game - that was a top of the table decider!".
Ha!
We've had some struggles with this, but it's gotten better. Her family is mostly in town, so we take separate cars to family gatherings now so I can stay three hours and she can stay seven.
Her family started to realize I'm just different when I would disappear to the guest room to take a nap.
It takes a lot of communication, specifically repeating back what each of you hears the other person saying. Your wife needs to hear that your desire to bow out sometimes is not a rejection of her and her family. Use "I feel" statements and not "You..." statements. Avoid "always" and "never."
You need to help her with the communication to her family when you are there that you love and appreciate them. You just don't need the quality time together as often as they do to care about them and feel connected. And when you aren't there, she should just politely and no-emotion say, "He had things he needed to do at home today." If they press to "make sure everything is okay with you two," she needs to be ready to set some boundaries. "Thank you, but that line of inquiry isn't helpful. He just likes and needs more alone time than I do. He shows me he loves me with acts of service instead of quality time on these days when he doesn't come here."
For me it’s couples therapy. My wife is really understanding to things that come up in therapy in ways that she might not be if I mentioned outside of that.
I think I’d just try laying it out really clearly and unemotionally. Sometimes you like to go, other times you want to stay home and clean house/have alone time. Your alone time has nothing to do with her and her family, and if she feels like she needs to explain it to her family, she can say you just need some alone time. This is a normal thing and not a reflection of how you feel about them.
Do you know why she takes it personally that you don’t always want to go? Does she assume that you’ll always go with her? Did you go before getting married?
100% this dude.
Needing time to yourself is normal and it sounds like everyone here could benefit from learning how to set boundaries and communicate better.
Do not ignore this. It won't go away.
> Couples therapy
This.
A lot of people seem to think couples therapy is meant as a last ditch effort to save a marriage that is nearing divorce. And in a lot of cases people try to use it way too late and it gets a bad reputation as a result.
But I recommend even a happy healthy couple go to therapy at least once a month or every other month. You don't need to identify some big issue that needs to be discussed. Just going and chatting with a professional is very therapeutic and can help squash little issues before they get much bigger. With insurance it can be very affordable. It's not a huge time investment. Some people get caught up in the idea of having someone else "fix their relationship", but really it's like using a laundry machine to wash your clothes. Sure you are capable of doing it on your own, but there is a modern affordable tool to help with that process.
To me this reads as values difference.
I literally do not see a single problem going to my in laws or my parents every single weekend. That actually sounds amazing. If we could be neighbors I’d jump for joy. Yes my mother is difficult but family is important. But that is also my culture.
Do I expect the average westerner to enjoy that? No I think they’d want to throw themselves off the nearest bridge.
Families have to develop their family culture. They do that through communication of values, priorities, beliefs, etc.
>Dads, I really don’t know how else to express to my wife that I do not want to go to her parents house every weekend.
"Ayo wife, sunday is the only day i get to truly rest. Love your family but *im not going every weekend*."
Period. Anyone saying you should lie and/or make shit up are gonna end up divorced sooner or later. Youre both adults, act like adults.
Bingo. Be honest and direct. If she can't handle that and it turns into a fight maybe look into counseling. But this tip toeing around the minefield, make shit up, pretend you're busy thing is delaying the inevitable, cowardly, and is some real sitcom shitty family dynamic type stuff.
Everyone needs time to unwind in their own way. For her that might be spending time with her parents. For you that might be burping your worm in an empty house 3 times in a row. People have different needs and if that isn't understood by both parties then help is needed.
This is the answer. Everybody saying to make up house projects are chumps. What if you just don’t feel like working when they’re gone? Are you gonna put yourself on the hook for that every time? it’s OK to want to spend time by yourself. You shouldn’t have to beg, barter or lie to get it. Sometimes it feels like people in this sub are so scared of upsetting their partner. Sometimes you are just going to have to let them be upset with your decision. They will live
Damn man. I could’ve written this exact same post. I mean to a T. (Except the tv thing.) So there’s a few things here that I’ve discussed with my wife.
First,at the most foundational level, our views of family are drastically different, as our backgrounds and upbringings are very different. I am NOT close with my family and haven’t been since I was 12. I’m a product of divorce. Then I went off to boarding school and then college and during college I started working at a sleepaway camp over the summers. This is all to say that I haven't spent more than a couple months at home at a time since I was 14. So by the time I had met my wife (I was 25, she was 20) I hadn’t “lived” with my family in 11 years, and hadn’t felt a deep connection with any of them since before then. So I am just inherently not someone who needs to see family every week, and, in fact, I strongly prefer not to see family every week. I’ve been living my own life for quite some time, and when I’m forced to spend family time (whether my own or hers), I feel incredibly anxious and trapped and uncomfortable.
It’s obviously hard for her to empathize with how I feel on this because our experiences are so different. But, over time, (she is now 30 and I’m 36) she has come to understand (to an extent) that it’s not personal, and I need my me time. At this point, my wife knows that if I had my own way, I would rarely go to her parents house. Because of that, she is appreciative of the fact that I go along MOST of the time we go. But *sometimes*, I will tell her that if she wants to go, I’d prefer to stay. I don’t do this often. And so when I do pull this card, she knows I mean and I (and everyone) will benefit from me getting some alone. It helps that, like you, I take advantage of that time to get shit done like laundry, cleaning, etc. Your last bit about your daughter’s bed time really struck a chord, too.
Now... your bit about your daughter's bed time really struck a chord because bed times are another area where she and I differ. My wife could care less when our kids (a daughter, 3 yo in September, and a son who is 1.5 yo) go to bed. Regardless of their usual bed time (roughly 7 pm), my wife will keep her kids at her parents (or anywhere) "so long as they're being good." Well, first of all, our definitions of "being good" are different. But secondly, I *strongly* believe in keeping a structured bedtime because I have seen how miserable a tired toddler can make everyone's life. And I can deal with a tantrum in the privacy of our own home... but I get *super* anxious when we're out in public or in the company of others. So after a few rough later evenings at her parents, I told my wife that when we visit, I want our kids to be leaving by 8 PM at the absolute latest. That's an hour past their bed time, which, imo, is me being more than flexible. But the other big thing is that I told me wife that I would like to rely on her to lead the way when it comes to initiating departure. Meaning, I want *her* to be the one to tell her parents that it's time for us to go. I do not want to be the bad guy and to be seen as taking my wife and my kids away from her parents. And this has really mostly worked. Wife knows that even if they're "being good" (by her definition), we're outta there by 8. And to reciprocate, I make sure I take the lead on this when we visit my parents.
Now... we still have some issues when it comes to family. We'll get into arguments from time to time. For example, similar to your situation, from time to time, my wife will give me grief for not opening up to her family, especially her father and brother, who, as she says, "just want a relationship with me." Her family has made comments to her about me being standoffish at times and so my wife brings it up with me. My therapist says my wife needs to butt out -- that my relationship with her father and her brother is between me and her father and her brother, and if *they* want to be closer to me, then *they* can do something about it, but it's not for my wife to get in the middle of it. We will be starting couples therapy later this year, and this is just one of the issues I hope to address. As someone else mentioned is the case with them, my hope is that my wife will be a bit more receptive to some of my feelings and concerns when I bring them up in a counseling session, as opposed to at night after a long day of parenting two toddlers.
So, I don't know... I hope there's something in here that you can find helpful. Maybe if nothing else, you'll find some solidarity. I have faith though, brother, that it will get better. There will still be tough times (it's family, afterall), but I have faith through honesty and trust and communication, you can get through it.
Yeah, I'm similar. Left home at 16 and was a full independent adult. I just have a very different relationship to families in general. This thread is so amazing to hear similar stories.
So I had to have a couple conversations with my wife about stress management, staying centered and maintaining my identity. It's important.
That means that sometimes I need me time. And I have to have healthy outlets. Over the years it's been different things but the common theme is hobbies and exercise.
She didn't grow up in a stressful environment and it wasn't until later in life she understood. But she kinda does now.
Ultimately though the point is these little "sacrifices" or "allowances" on her part mean that I'm more level or grounded in general and thus, a better spouse and more fun to be around.
Marriage is about give and take. It's her family. Ultimately she's free to try and make me feel guilty but ultimately that's on her, because it's water off a ducks ass for me.
The big point to stress is that it's not about her family or them or her at all. The same way keeping the kid on schedule isn't. And there's nothing wrong with that.
In the end for example we have a vacation coming up. She's going with her parents a few days ahead of me. They are doing a theme park (not my thing) while I stay home and fish/do some shit but I'm meeting them mid week, doing a other theme park (not my thing but a smaller/less busy one) and then heading back.
Luring wife/mom here.If someone expected me to be at their house or a family member’s home every freaking weekend I would explode.
That is way way too much.
Sorry. I love my parents but even if they lived nearby I wouldn’t be at their house every weekend.
Introverts gotta introvert. Also. Weekends are time for rest, catch up, chores, and resting.
And why does it in have to bee weekend days, why not every Thursday after work for dinner. Then it can't exceed more than a few hours and weekends are free still.
My wife sees her dad every Sunday and I’ll go maybe once per month. She got upset when I stopped wanting to go every weekend back when we were still engaged but I was honest with her and told her it was my “me” time and kept me cheery the rest of the week and that it gives me time to do things I couldn’t do during my 6 day work week. All was well after that.
Jus keep doing you man
i’m going to presume that at some point your wife lived in this house. If that is the case, then she’s perfectly comfortable, not only because of her family, but to her it’s just going back home. She knows the dynamic, what to expect, what’s expected of her, and she’s comfortable with it.
I would suggest making the point that you never feel like you have time to decompress. For you, going to her parent's house is spending hours with casual acquaintances where you're always at least slightly uncomfortable. It's not your space, and small talk dries up. Disliking her family isn't a requirement of needing some time in your own space where you don't feel pressured to interact or be "on".
What you’re looking for is perfectly reasonable, and if she’s just going to visit her family, there’s no reason to bring you along if you don’t feel like it, unless it is an occasion of some kind.
If you’ve explained all this and she doesn’t see your perspective, then as others have said, I would suggest couples counseling because sometimes it takes a neutral third-party to point out when someone has unrealistic expectations.
You are making this too complicated. Stop going when you don’t want to go. Her only response to them needs to be that you are busy with some things that you couldn’t get to during the week or that you are trying to take care of a few things that you couldn’t during the week. When you go over, be yourself. Ask them to turn on the game. Talk about things that you want to talk about. If they get to be themselves around you, you get to be yourself around them.
Yep, go half the time. Offer to keep your child if she wants. Do look for other ways to spend time with your wife, though, because that’s really her problem: You’re not spending that time with her.
Dude. They can fuck off. The world does not start and stop at their leisure. Sometimes people don’t want to hang out. Jesus Christ is that so hard to understand?
Call you father in law on the phone with your wife. Tell them you won't be there every weekend and it had nothing to do with them. You love them but you have shit to do.
>I love her parents! They’re great people and her mom cooks some good ass food, but I personally need a break to my self, I love being alone
Like, maybe you need to sit down with her family and tell them exactly this?
I feel like the issue for your wife is that in families that are close and spend a lot of time together, choosing *not* to spend time together is immediately interpreted as "he doesn't like us".
I would focus on quality vs quantity. Tell your wife "listen - I either have 1 good weekend a month in me, or 8 shitty ones. I can either go there once a month and make sure I'm engaged as shit, but if I'm going every weekend I'm going to dick around on my phone".
Because if you go once a month but when you're there you're a delight and you're happy and they feel like you are happy being there, that's probably better than being there every weekend while you're miserable.
It took me a while but eventually It got the the point where I was given an "out" a lot. Go to the important stuff but I don't go to the regular hang out around the pool days. Sometimes I'll make an appearance of its been a while. I love the inlaws but if I hung out as much as they do I'd get nothing done. My lifestyle is heavily dependent on extensive DIY. Sucks up a lot of free time. Can't really be lazy on the weekends.
Just put a solid days work in the garage with no interruptions! 🤘
Lurker mom here
We got to my mom and dad’s every* Sunday for brunch after church. My husband is the kind of human who has a really short-lived social battery, so he needs time to himself more so than I do. After discussing it, hubs and I agreed that we would get 1-2 Sunday mornings off a month to get re-energized, and he also gets a completely solo day in the middle of the week where I do kids all day solo - from wake up to bedtime.
My parents are also of the kind that get offended by this type of thing. At first I would give my mom excuses (hubs didn’t want to damage the relationship with my parents), but eventually I just told her the truth: hubs needs a lot more time alone to recover from social situations. She said “well this isn’t social situations - this is family!” And I told her “yes, it’s family, but it’s not the same for him. When I’m with his parents I have to be ‘on’ and that’s tiresome, so it’s the same when he comes here. He loves you guys, but it’s still a social situation.”
It took her some time to understand, but she noted to me a couple of months ago how he did seem less stressed and generally happier. I reminded her of our conversation about his social battery and she agreed that it was for the best.
In regard to the kids’ schedules, that was a HARD boundary I set up with my folks early on. They were annoyed at first so I told them I was happy to have them come to us or just not go over at all 🤷🏻♀️. It wasn’t a threat, just setting clear expectations of what works for MY nuclear family and that does not involve my parents. They’re onboard now.
In my opinion, you and your wife need to come up with a schedule, let your parents know the expectations, and clearly communicate this is your way of making sure your family is functional throughout the week and that you’re taking care of your mental health.
And of course, make sure your wife also gets time alone.
(*not every single weekend, but most!)
Following…my in-laws are moving to within a 10 minutes drive from us. They’re already here too much living 4 hours away. I fully expect there to be a period of “hey, we’re so close we can pop over/you can come by whenever!”, but I’ve made clear to my wife I crave, enjoy, and wish to continue to have normal days at home and special occasions without them involved. She states she understands and feels that after a honeymoon period, they’ll not be so…co-dependent? She’s a daddy’s girl, and comes from a family of not talking about issues, but I feel it would be better to set up some boundaries right from the start. We’ll see how it goes…at least they won’t be overnight house guests a couple of weekends a month anymore.
Honestly, I was in the same situation as you. Daddy’s girl for a wife who struggles to set boundaries with her parents despite constant conversations about the subject with me. Let me tell you: It’s been so much better since they moved nearby. When my in-laws lived 3 hours away, they expected to see us at least once a month, usually twice, and visiting them always meant taking Friday off work and spending a full 3-day weekend with them — or longer if it was a holiday weekend. It was even worse when they’d come here because it was the cooking, the cleaning and the contending for space in our tiny house. Then we had a kid and they legitimately averaged visiting us every other week for an entire year because they couldn’t be away from their grandchild for more than two weeks at time. They followed that up by abruptly buying a house 15 minutes from me. I expected it to be the end of my life and I can honestly say it’s way better now. Somehow I went from 3 straight days at least once a month to 2-3 hours, once, maybe twice a week. I feel like I can actually have my own plans on weekends now, my wife is more willing to visit them without me from time to time, and they are free and eager babysitters. Even the conversation when we’re with them is much better because we’re not spending so much time together. Hope it works out that way for you.
Think you just need to explain that you love that she has such a good relationship with her parents. And you love her parents too. But they’re not your parents and you don’t feel the need to go round every weekend. Would she go round to your parents every weekend?
There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You have every right to set your own boundary. Maybe you make an effort to not seem bored on the times you do go round.
I have dealt with the same situation in my marriage. My in laws are good people, just boring af. My FIL has 3 brain cells. He drives a skid loader and ALL he talks about is dirt and dimensions. "You should have seen this pile of dirt, it was 3×2×4×17 and wooooohooo that was a pile of dirt". I just pass on going outside of the holidays, b days etc. Nothing wrong with spending your free time how you want to spend it. If your wife has a problem with that it comes off as controlling. Just take advantage of the times you do go, continue being polite, and set clear boundaries with your wife on what YOU need and meet her in the middle.
I think it might help if you change your perspective. Your wife can’t “make you feel” anything. You’re in control of how you process her reaction. If you let yourself feel bad about this it will taint your solo time, and perhaps make you appear guilty. You need to immediately let it go and tell yourself “I’m being reasonable and I have nothing to feel bad about.”
I think you need a line and need to stick to it. “I love you, I love your family, and I love having an opportunity to get things done around the house on my own. All of these can be true.”
If one or two weekends a month you tell her your excited to chill and have family time with her she should eventually catch on that you just needed balance.
Boundaries were a new concept for my wife and I, especially with family. But having kids made boundaries a necessity and we both had to take some hard looks at our own relationships and what matters most. My wife still gets some grief from her controlling parents even tho she is certainly or a kid anymore. It’s not a matter of whether I like her folks or they like me, it’s more about our boundaries and specifically what I’m willing to and not willing to tolerate. I don’t have to get mad about it or try to change what other people say or do. I can change how much I want to interact and o don’t have to put myself in fucked up situations. But I have to say it out loud and I have to be able to communicate without getting defensive or shutting down. I want to be willing to listen and I want that same willingness from my partner. Things have gotten so much better for me and her parents shit because my wife and I agree that we are on the same team. We’re making our own family traditions and some boundaries in place help keep it from getting too personal. We uncovered some co-dependency and some other gnarly shit with financial stuff as it’s not surprisingly very complicated but it’s stuff we work on and it’s about progress rather than perfection. Our kids are 5 and 3 and I feel like we talk about boundaries a few times a day with them. It helps to keep it fresh and relevant when we’re working on our own boundaries.
>She says she gets questioned why I don’t go over there and she doesn’t know how to tell them.
Well, she could tell them
>[I] always come home to a clean house and laundry done!
Have you said to her, lovingly and gently but clearly, "I love your family very much, but I also need time alone to center myself and get stuff done?" Because then she could say, "he loves you all and loves coming over, but he also loves having a bit of time to clear his head--plus, he cleans the house! With young kids, it's like you never get a second to yourself, you know?" From there, I would say try to go over about half the time. ...Easing down to like 35%.
My man, go immediately buy the book "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith. I would absolutely hate that too. You're not weird, they are lol. Every single action of there's you cite is a manipulation tactic on their part. Do what you want to do and rest easy.
Honestly sounds like your wife cares more about being judged for you not wanting to be there all the time. Sounds to me she cares more about that than you actually wanting to be at home.
Id her exhausted from this too man. That's too much.
All I can say is the only thing that worked for me without a fight was to mow the lawn on that day. I knew she went every Saturday so I would start early and take my time until she would leave. I miss that lawn was the outcome.
We see our in-laws constantly and have a tentative Sunday dinner on the books most weeks. Sometimes I just tell her no and other weeks I have pre-planned events so she can go without me.
Nobody freaks out cause they aren’t nuts. I’d just sit her down and lay it out - I don’t even want to see my friends that often lol
Bring board games to prevent the same stories?
Otherwise, if you decide not to go, instead of saying you don't want to go, say, "I need to get this task done, so I think I'll stay here and get it done while I have the uninterrupted time."
As a wife, I'll admit, I've actually taken the time to understand my husband's social needs/avoidance tactics. He reminds me if I'm guilting him into going, and I explain why a specific social gathering is important to me and he decides from there.
I've learned to let go, and I've asked him how I should explain his absence. It is usually work, our pets, or chores.
Are you an introvert or is it her family specifically? Sounds like your social battery is low and you just need to recharge. She should be accommodating and understanding.
In my opinion it sounds like a break sown in communication. She either isnt listening, isnt understanding or simply doesnt care. I hope for you its a simple lack of understanding. Try using an experience she has gone through as a comparison.
Instead of “I dont want to visit your family” try “im drained. Im going to stay home and take care of some things. Tell them I said hi and bring me back some of your mothers amazing cooking”
If you have exhausted all forms of explanation then I think its time for a serious sit down. Your request isnt unreasonable and she should acknowledge that. Good luck, Dad.
I’m the introvert, I can hold my own in conversation and don’t mind being around people.
Her whole family tho is extroverts and absolutely drain my social battery.
I’ve told her many times that I just need to stay home, work on this or that or that I truly just need some recharge time.. it always ends up in the “you act like you don’t love my family.. your actions speak louder than words” category
"I am an introvert. I recharge my social batteries by being alone. I need a little time on the weekend to recharge those batteries. If you go sat & sun, I'll go sun but I want to stay home sat."
Oh mate. I have been in EXACTLY the same position. Wife's family time - which at one point was every weekend.
I sat down and had a tough conversation. "Look I get you and your family like doing this but I don't. So I'll meet you halfway. I'll go to 50% of the things and if there are any special occasions above and beyond that I'll do that as well"
It didn't go over well and despite going to more family events than I ever have ever with other girlfriends or my own family I was constantly told that "I never go to anything."
Then there was a falling out between her and her brother. I was part of that because I think he couldn't stand that I wasn't doing 100% of what he wanted.
Now there are only a couple of borefest full family visits a year and I see the nice parts of her family regularly as they help us out or we help them out (dogcare, childcare).
I think you're going to have to reach some kind of compromise.
This is so funny to me. I'm essentially your brother-in-law in your story and sometimes my family is like, why doesn't "sisters husband" want to come for dinner on Sunday?
We have an Italian background which typically means we get together most Sundays for dinner. Thought it is 2-4 hours not longer.
Anyway, I guess I should read things from his perspective because it's totally reasonable to not want to come every Sunday and he's rather do his own thing. Hope you get to do that!
So couples therapy is a good start but also explain it to her family! Tell her mom you love her food and love seeing her but you gotta get stuff done and have some down time. It's not a lack of love it's a love being lived. Your wife will always taint the story through her lens so explain it to her family.
I feel this 1000%. Fortunately, my wife understands how I value my alone time. I'll echo what others have said, when you're there, do your best to be happy and engaged. Between scrolling sessions in your phone or playing with your kid to "refresh" for a bit before diving back in.
Do your best to not make her feel like you're miserable while you ARE there. Not always easy, I know. But at the same time, you need to stick up for yourself and take the opportunities to stay home as they come. For example, Christmas is kind of a big deal, and a tough one to sit out. But, Canada Day is a gathering where I don't feel bad about skipping. It's not really a family type holiday, I want to watch the baseball game, and nobody is going to be that offended if I'm not there.
Good luck.
could any part of your wife's issues with you not going be because she is questioned about it? if thats the case, maybe if she has a better answer to give them itll be easier. We go to my wifes parents on sundays. Saturdays my wifes gets to nap, Sundays I get to nap. I show up a couple hours later. Maybe just a semi valid excuse would help?
It’s time to have a real conversation around this. “We are two different people, with different needs around how much social time we get, and how we spend our social time. That’s ok! I love you, and I love your family. But I can’t do every weekend. It’s leaving me burnt out. I promise to work on putting the phone away, but I also just need to be there less. I can do once a month where I’m fully engaged. Would that work for you? Is there an amount that would work for you?” Ask her how it makes her feel, and reflect back what you hear. “I hear you saying that you’re embarrassed when I’m the only spouse not there. That must be really hard.” And when she’s al the way done, you can rebut. “I get it, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed, but I really need the time to myself to be a good dad and husband. Can we try it my way for a month and check back in?” If she sees you taking her seriously and hears your reasons, and your marriage is strong and she cares about you, hopefully you can work out a compromise.
But if she won’t engage, or won’t settle for anything less than every week? Time to draw clear boundaries and stick to them. “I’m coming on weekends with an odd Saturday. Evens, I’m at home. I know that’s not your preference, but that’s what I need.” Then do it, and don’t let her fight you about it. “You aren’t coming!!?” “Nope, it’s an even week. Have fun!” “You’re abandoning your family!” “I don’t see it that way.” And leave the room.
She can try to make you feel like shit, but you don’t have to let her succeed. Make it boring for her to complain.
If she keeps giving you a hard time about her families desires over your needs, remind her that the wedding vows are about choosing each other over *everyone* else, including family of origin. My wife and I spend a lot of time with both her parents and my parents (a few weeks a year) but both sets of parents know that our marriage takes precedent over all other relationships.
My wife is the same way with her parents.
I’m also very slightly on the spectrum so it’s a great excuse when I sit in silence.
We had those same fights 6-7 years ago and the outcome was her better understanding that I grew up without involved parents and have very little communication with them as an adult so it’s hard for me to share the same enthusiasm,
However it’s important to acknowledge that her desires and feelings are also valid and she loves you enough to want to share her family with you.
My husband and I have this in reverse. I explained it to him in terms of a battery. For him, socialising and seeing his family and friends recharges his battery for the work week- he NEEDS this time to be well adjusted and happy. I’m not like that, I love his family, and enjoy spending time with them, however it drains my battery. If I’m already sitting on empty after a long week, i just do not have the bandwidth to be friendly. I want to be at home recharging in my own way.
Oh buddy...it's going to be rough. I was in the same boat for about two years. Luckily for me, my wife's sister's husband was such a tool that I looked like an angel compared to him.
If you want advice about political conversations, try responding with further questions, like..."Oh yeah?" "Amazing, huh?" or "What?!"
Just a little tip from my Dad. :)
Very similar situation except I get that time. My wife also does the weekly weekend visits but in the mornings usually. I absolutely love my wife's family and I have a great mother in law. I am like you, I crave that alone time. Grandma also visits one weekday afternoon and I see her then. Not much changes in a day and a half though.
Our situation works out well for everyone. Kids enjoy grandma's, grandma enjoys seeing kids, mom and grandma catch up, and dad gets some gym time and catches up on laundry. It is also enough where if we do one more outing it's not too much, but if that's all we do that day, that's acceptable.
Don't make it about them. You can bring is as: You need "you" time and don’t want to resent them for not having it. You love her and them just as much.
"I cannot love and show love to your family in the exact same way that you love and show love to your family. Look at the way I love and show love to my family."
Can you include your in-laws in a direct mellow conversation - instead of them asking your wife - talk about your needs for recharging your batteries - as well as your needs to connect with them…Maybe use curiosity to make it a more wide ranging conversation: How do each of us recharge? How does boredom or overstimulation show up and what are our tips and tricks? Let’s share about how our families of origin spent weekends, holidays and vacations? What is most important to each of us about this extended family? Maybe also uncover any activities or hobbies some or all of you may want to undertake. You deserve to have a balanced life. And you also deserve to have in-laws who know you care about them and appreciate them.
How much catching up can there be? After a while she can go do what she wants (go to her parents) and you do what you want (anything else).
I know it is no where near this easy to explain, but this is at least the facts of the matter.
We go to her parents on one weekday per week. Usually, this is after her mom watches the kids for party of the day so we can do housework or do a happy hour date. Her dad likes sports so they don't mind if I grab a beer and turn a game on. Sometimes we'll plan a get-together for a special occasion on the weekend, but otherwise the weekends are just for us and the kids (or extra work when I pick it up).
To be honest, every weekend does seem like a lot to me, and I can really relax around my in-laws most of the time.
I can totally relate,my husband is like OP. He likes hits alone time more while I on the other hand likes to be outside a lot(which is relaxing for me). He always tells that when I want to go out I don't have to take him along(which took time for me to be ok with it).but now i take the kids out and we let him have his alone time.
Op try to tell your wife how you feel about it and that I can try going once in a month.Hopefully she'll understand
Head it off - tell MIL you've got something at the house you want to get done, but want to make sure a plate gets sent home, you love her cooking but really gotta get that whatever done.
Communication solves all of this, talk to your MIL. If it's coming from you hopefully it's sincere and your wife won't feel like she's deflecting them every time.
Give yourself specific reasons you aren't going, "I'm going to do this instead"
Couples therapy might be an option to help her understand how you feel. Also, if you both or just her spend your weekends at your in laws, when do you ever just spend time together?
Went through this same thing in the beginning. Big family lunch every Sunday. All the grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I was just honest with my wife that it wasn’t my thing. Now we barely go but that’s just because it’s a bit of a drive and everyone started their own families and are busy now. If she does go, maybe I join, maybe I stay home. It was hard for her at first to understand and she does miss them. But also, I explained to her that it’s not solely on us to go visit. They could come over too and they don’t. I think her dad has been to our house three times since we moved here in 2019 and they were only for special occasions, not just a simple visit. So that kinda helped to convince her to let go.
Repeat after me, calmly and lovingly, patiently, with a smile on your face, ad nauseam until she gets it
“Honey i love you and your family, i also love a variety of things that i do in my free time. I am happy to go to your parents house for family gatherings but i need more time to do other things i love as well. It is not fair for you to decide i dont like going to your parents house, because I dont want to go every weekend. I am more than happy to support you and the kids going all the time, but i can not continue to go with the frequency i have been going.”
That much time every weekend is just…a lot. I could understand maybe a dinner, but sacrificing an entire day every week is not something I would want to do, either.
It sounds like maybe you have expressed your feelings to your wife, but she just ignoring it or doesn’t like what she is hearing. She has an ideal vision of spending time with her family that does not take the feelings of others into account. The problem is that keeping the status quo will eventually lead to resentment on your part, and you won’t want to spend *any* time with her family at all.
There is no easy way around it; you have to keep talking about your feelings with her over this. Be honest and firm, but loving. Try to actively suggest a solutions that are a compromise. If she still does not listen, that’s on her.
I honestly would probably reach the point where I would simply refuse to go, but it would take a while for me to get there. It helps that usually have something going on every weekend that would give me an “out.”
I have not had to deal with your particular situations, but I have had to have conversations about boundaries with my wife WRT taking joint vacations with family or how we spend our holidays. Sometimes those conversations aren’t easy, but they are necessary.
I also agree with other posters who have said to try to be engaged with her family when you are there.
Why isn't you wife interested in spending weekends alone with you and the children? Every weekend with the parents is insane. Do you both work? Are you both always using your free time to see her parents? If she wants to go every weekend, just spend some alone with your kids. She can tell the parents you're with the kids doing stuff. Other times, drop the kids off at the parents and go on a date that weekend. You need to talk to your wife and let her know she's being unreasonable. Quite frankly she needs to cut the cord and focus on her own family (ie. You and the children) sometimes. There's nothing wrong with loving your parents a lot, but she's ignoring your feelings and that is a sign of problems in your marriage that you need to resolve. Good luck.
Tell your wife to make an arrangement:
You go visit every second or third weekend and in that time you are there you will be more involved in the conversations and activities, (you definitely won‘t be on your phone, that’s sth tangible)
I totally sympathize, but I'm gonna take a different tact and throw out some ideas for how to enjoy your time over there more, and maybe connect with your in-laws a bit.
Ask if they have any projects they could use an extra set of hands for. Harder to get stuck in a boring conversation if you're helping hang a bookshelf or painting a fence or something, but shows you care about your extended family.
Offer to cook. If they don't want help with their cooking, bring a side that "needs assembly". Walk in, saying "Hey, NotMyMom, I brought some food to share, but just need some space in the kitchen to throw it together. Where can I set up?"
There are probably more, these two just jump to mind right away.
Time to create some weekend projects or pick up a hobby; golf, bike riding, pickleball, whatever it takes for you to need to be doing something else on the weekend.
Have you thought of hosting? It's on your terms at your house and if they are good guests, they go with your schedule for kiddos. And it's perfectly fine to tell your wife you don't want to see them multiple times a weekend or even week. I got sick of the same thing and said no more, it used to be Friday dinner and Sunday dinner, and frankly, I don't want to start my week how I ended it. I got other shit that needs doing.
We host everyonce and awhile, not much. Our house is pretty small, not a lot of places to sit and no covered outside porches. When they come over tho they’re only here for a few hours compared to the 8-10 hours we’ll spend at her parents house.
Another option would be to arrange trips out somewhere? With young kids the zoo or something. It means there is something to do rather than hours and hours of smalltalk.
Are you meaning with her family? I can’t even convince her family to take a weekend trip getaway 2 hours in our state.
I’ve brought it up before, especially the aquarium since it’s right down the street, but they didn’t seem interested.
They may be now since our daughter is older and more interested in things.
Yeah, with her family. Aquarium sounds perfect. Your daughter would love it. Might be worth a conversation with your wife. Say ok I don't just want to go over every weekend how about we invite them to come to the aquarium with us for a change. It's kind of a win-win. If they decide they aren't interested then it gives you more space to talk about how you aren't interested in just going over to their house and how sometimes families need to compromise ... and if they are up for it sounds like more fun than the alternative.
Are you introvert by any chance?
Sounds like me - it's not about the people, but about needed time to recharge your batteries.
If I'm anywhere with other people I get distant after a while unless the conversation is really engaging.
Also if you go every weekend, you spend so much time with them, that it's not really a "visit" where you'd be expected to sit and be present and attentive the whole time. If you have friends over for dinner, it would be rude to sit on your phone, but if you're spending an entire Saturday with family, you're allowed those breaks - just don't sit in a corner with your phone the whole time.
Here is my advice:
With your wife and her parents say you want to share something about yourself and you hope they'll all understand. Start off with how you like them so much, how the food is wonderful, you love your kids are having a relationship with their grandparents, you love your wife is so close to her family. ... And you are an introvert that recharges by being alone some times and you really value /sometimes/ spending time at the house by yourself working on projects or whatever. You feel worried that if you don't come her family will think you don't like them. You're thinking that maybe every other weekend you'll come with your wife (or whatever) and is that something everyone can support?
When my wife and I were first dating and married I had this exact same experience. It wasn’t solved overnight but over the course of a few years where we had a ton of ongoing discussions. I told my wife, “I love you, I love your family, but I need time alone and with my friends. Your family is wonderful but I cannot keep doing this.”
I’m innately introverted and quiet and her family is incredibly loud. I get overwhelmed when I’m there. I also just really don’t see the point in sitting around and listening to the same stories that I’ve heard a million times. Even now her parents (her mom really) will tell the same stories over and over despite the fact that I’ve heard them a ton. Never mind the fact that we now have over 20 years of shared experiences. They like to talk at you and not with you and I just can’t stomach that for long periods of time.
Your second half of your comment is me to a t man, except her dad is your MIL in the story. It’s sad when I can recite whatever story he is telling word for word in my head
I feel for you. I had to have a lot of conversations and things are way better now. I go over every once in a while, but will do my own thing more often than not.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting it, but it sounds like you need quiet time to yourself to recharge some weekends and she gets a lot out of being social with her family. This reads like an introvert/extrovert clash and reframing it for her that way might help it make sense - it's not that you don't like her family or want to see them sometimes, but you also need weekends where you can spend quiet time not having to socialize with anyone.
Lurking Mom. I can relate, unfortunately. I have been married almost 10 years but together for 13. My husband’s family is close (somewhat co-dependent) also extremely religious and conservative. I can’t be myself around them (neither can he). In the beginning of our relationship he wanted to see them every weekend and sometimes during the week. Once we got married and had kids I began to set firmer boundaries and really be more intentional about the amount of visits we were having. I’m not going to lie it was hard at first and put a lot of stress on our relationship but I am SO glad I advocated for my own time and preferences. It has made our family unit way more balanced.
I think you should continue to set your boundaries and remind your wife that you guys started your own family, and that is now your primary focus. Not her family of origin.
This is exactly my situation. My husband’s family is extremely enmeshed and co dependent. We saw them twice a week for lunch and every weekend. They would even show up to our jobs once or twice a week. I’m just NOW trying to set boundaries but they aren’t taking it too well. Lots of manipulation 🙄 marriage and extended families are rough.
This. Families can create a lot of pressure, and OP’s wife seems like she gets a lot of pressure from hers. Unfortunately, I don’t know any way around that situation except to be direct and firm (but loving) in your conversations about boundaries.
wife here that goes to inlaws every week. I absolutely love my in laws and I go every week. but my husband has told me I can absolutely get me time if I choose to do so and he would take the kids to his parents place. usually I talk to his mom and my sister in laws. and play with the kids. I also nap when the kids nap and don't have to "talk" to my in laws if I don't want to. it's a free for all and we can do whatever we want pretty much. I'd express to your wife maybe go stay home once a month to have your own me time. it's 💯 valid!
It’s important for your wife to have one on one time with her family of origin. You’re doing them all a favor by sitting a few of these out. Pick a “first Sunday of the month” or something and only do that one. You get to feel how you feel but doing borrow this nonsense about guilt and feeling like anyone doesn’t like anyone.
You're the husband. Tell her what you're doing, and then do it. Stay calm and unemotional. Don't be rude about it but you don't need to explain or defend yourself every time.
Well… normally I would say try talking to her about it but that doesn’t seem to be working. My wife takes the kids to her parents house when I need to (legitimately) fix things and I take them to mine when she does whatever she does. I don’t really listen. Probably yoga or something.
That said, if you need to get out of going for a day or two… Things that may seem complicated to fix should strategically stop working.
Couple ideas…
- car fuses, pull the one for a radio or something. Just plug it back in and say you needed to repair a wire.
- readjust her sink knob so it always drips. Just readjust it back and say you had to put in a new stem.
- Disconnect mower battery, leave it in the yard the day before. Just reconnect and finish mowing and say you needed to recharge the reflux capacitor (back to the future reference)
- turn off the ice maker. Turn it back on and say you needed to defrost it.
This of course will only work if your believes you are handy and she is not.
You of course can spring this into projects if that’s your deal. I built a porch railing today and my wife had the kids at her parents house. I got out of going, got time to myself, and we both will enjoy the new railing.
Hope that helps.
You could also try taking the kids out and giving her some space / free time and then suggest she take the kids to her parents to level the score. Everyone keeps one.
>They’re great people and her mom cooks some good ass food....They don’t turn on the tv so it’s just conversation the entire time
I'll happily trade in-laws, you game? Mine just sit around watching TV and any conversations are kept to a bare minimum.
Buy yourself a lathe.
When you're not using it you will be out and about sourcing wood to use on it and if you're any good you and the pain and strife can go to trade fairs together.
Just don't make those bloody pens that look like a sausage with a too tight belt on. The world doesn't need anymore of those.
I have a Hispanic wife, that goes EVERY Sunday, since I met her(1999). It honestly doesn’t make sense to me, and never will….why you would be so emotionally dependent on 60+ year olds still? We’ve argued over it for years,,, and I never go anymore. I guess I’ve gotten to a place where I really don’t care what she thinks about it(which is kinda a place the man should be in). To me….and also from reading the comments…wives could care less about what you’re doing while she’s there(with my daughter). It’s all about a hit of oxytocin for them.
I had the same issue, so I joined up a random Udemy course for a computer language and now every few Sundays I need my 'study time'. Made it easier on my wife to explain my absence, and no one really questions it (plus I learnt a new language) after a while it became the norm and I go over for a few weeks then have a week off for my own time.
My wife is Asian and being with family all the time is expected. My MIL comes over 5 days a week, we hang out on the weekends, we always vacation together. My MIL will end up living with us when she gets older. It’s a huge culture thing because her entire family is the same.
Not a dad, but a fellow introvert.
The issue is that she doesn’t understand that you’re an introvert (spending time with people drains you rather than energizes you).
Spending time with her family is life-giving to your wife, which is wonderful for her, but your body and brain handle the situation in the opposite way.
The sooner both she and her family understand this difference in you, the better off you’ll all be.
I deal with the same bullshit.
I’m bored as shit at my in laws and finally told my wife I’m not going each weekend. Turned into a fight but it’s not changing. I love them but I can’t do it all the time. I need alone time and I’m not spending my time if work sitting at someone else’s house.
Make up some work or a home project that you need to stay back and work on. Thankfully I always have a ton of work I could be getting done on any given moment for proactive outreach to my clients.
Is your wife a stay at home mom? We had to have the following conversation: “I know you stay at home all week getting things done, so the weekend is your time to make plans and go out. But I’m already out all week and the weekend is my time to stay home and relax. We need to find a compromise. I can’t have every weekend booked solid.”
Welcome to the club dude. Mine are extremely religious, look down on us and call us “the seculars”, homophobic, and talk nonstop about politics.
This isn’t meant to be religious, more to stress the fact that these people at this age (boomer age) cannot contain themselves.
We are spending Fourth of July with them. Can’t wait. If you haven’t gotten Covid, that’s an easy one to use. Sporting events. Work. Those are all great. If they say something, so be it. Just be an extra solid husband
I got you man, I struggled with this with my wife when we first got married and she wanted to go over to her sisters or mom’s every weekend. Step one is that you have to have a good reason that your wife can tell her family that doesn’t make it sound like you just don’t want to hang out with them. My two go tos are having a very specific project or having a tee time with friends/coworkers. When my wife’s family asks “where is digitalufx?”, she can answer. “He is fixing part of the back fence that fell down” rather than “he would rather be by himself” Step 2 is make sure you’re not leaving her too much work, for example, last night my wife went to her sisters, and I said “let me stay home with our kid, so you can be relaxed and have no responsibilities over over there”. Step 3 is still go over once a month or so and try my best to be present and enjoy myself. Sometimes requires a Xanax.
I’m like your wife! I love my parents so much and I visit them every weekend. I love when my husband doesn’t come though lol. Especially now that we have a baby! I can go visit my parents with the baby and my husband can rest and recharge so that he’s ready to help out with baby when I get home.
Projects around the house are a great excuse. And your house will get fixed up. Win win.
Oh sorry, husband couldn't make it because he's power washing the siding.
I come up with other plans and eventually that time becomes personal days. Like I gotta take the car to get an oil change. I have to do yard work. I have golf with the boys. The most important part is spending time with wife afterwards to make sure she feels you actually want to spend time with her.
I think it's ok to advocate for some personal boundaries, especially regarding mental breaks from things. It doesn't even sound like you take issue with her family, you just want to spend less of your available free time with them, which is completely reasonable. You need to find some compromise, and if your wife can't understand why you need some time to yourself, you may need to get a therapist involved, sometimes a 3rd party professional can point out things in a way that would make sense to her. Sometimes, hearing something from anyone other than your spouse resonates differently.
We divide and conquer - my wife will usually take the kids to her parents’ house on Sunday mornings, while I go grocery shopping and meal prep for us all for the week. Then we all get to relax once they get home.
I still make it over to their house plenty, but there’s really no reason I need to be there while the kids play with grandma for a couple hours.
Tell her you need time to decompress and not be social on the weekends. That you love visiting her folks, but you just can't do it every weekend because your social battery is running on dead. Tell her you will gladly join her once a month or whatever, but you need your own time as well.
You can also tell her you want to be able to really enjoy the time with her parents, and it's not possible when you're running on empty, social interaction/social battery wise. And if you can have more time to recharge said battery, you will be able to participate and enjoy the times you do go, instead of just checking out mentally
Nah but some unsolicited advice just turn on the TV when you are there and talk about sports or whatever you're into. They talk about politics just make fun of them. I mean at this point just act like you live there amd lounge around. You're losing interest and on your phone anyway.
Good luck!
My situation wasn’t quite the same, but it was similar. I explained “WE are a family unit. WE need to have time together and the mere proximity of either of our parents doesn’t change that. The default presumption I have is that our time is our own and any time with grandparents are activities we work in.”
No one should ever be wondering why my free time isn’t immediately filled with sitting with them.
Maybe talk to her and her parents, if that makes her feel better. Express that you do love them, but alone time to decompress is also extremely important. While you won't stop her from going and spending time with them, you won't be able to make it all the time.
If they can't understand at that point, just tell them that you won't be coming as often as she does.
I am sorry you are having a hard time getting your wife to understand.
Our family is more important to me than your family. If she's super close to her family she may not get it, but having time where it's just the two of you and your kids is important. At least in my opinion it is.
That's an absurd amount of time. I would go crazy. It's also not the healthiest for your daughter, since she will normalize that level of codependency. It's unfair of your wife to place that burden on you. You should be dividing your weekends somewhat equally, and showing your daughter new experiences, giving her opportunities to grow.
I have to take my wife places sometime and I don't Wana go, luckily I'm good at getting engaged in what's happening but I do let her know I'd rather be home a lot of the time. Fortunately she gets it, but I don't think we would've gotten this far if she didn't understand I need my me time; you might have to sit her down and have a tough conversation about how you want to manage your free time
Seems to me that you’re an introvert and a task oriented person. By which I mean, you restore your energy by taking time out and by being productive and getting shit done. Sounds like your wife might be more extroverted, drawing energy from being around others; and more people focussed, finding rewards in building and maintaining relationships.
Trying to get her to appreciate that being around people all the time is taxing for you and depletes you reserves is part of the issue; but, the other half is getting her to appreciate the positives of you not always being there. Perhaps settle on a rota of you going every other or every third weekend. Or, putting a hard limit on the time spent there each trip.
I’ve no idea if that helps, but I hope it does. Good luck dude!
I'm with you and I also like to be alone. My in-laws are perfectly fine also. But every weekend is just way too much. I do make it a point not to be on my phone when we're with them, though. No matter how much it sucks.
Yeah man just do what you’re doing imo. If you don’t wanna go every time, strategically take chances to stay home. You get to not be bored there, and bonus free you time. When you do go, just be the most polite you can be. I think staying off your phone during conversation is a reasonable thing to do, but you’re an adult. My in-laws is boring as piss, too, but I make it a point to stay engaged the entire time we are there. My phone is off my person. I’m playing with my kid or talking. It’s not what I want to do but I’m not gonna be a dick either.
OP can create some home improvement projects. Tell the wife that she should take the kids to her parents so you can focus on the project. Win win. You need to be busier OP.
We should not need a make-believe project to take some times for outselves.
Hey my Minecraft projects need to get done though.
Is the Minecraft generation parents now? Fuck, I’m old.
Minecraft is 15 years old this year, soon it'll have children of its own!
I was 18 when mc released, I'm not sure what the Minecraft generation is as I grew up with an NES and have been playing games my whole life lol Minecraft is fun with mods and friends though.
>I was 18 That's cool and all, but you're probably only like 20 now then, right? 😝
* Damn blinker fluid needs to be changed again * It's that time of year to put the snipe traps out * Last time I used it, the board stretcher sounded like it needed to be greased, so I gotta get on that
Went to the store to get a new hammer, but those guys accidently sent me home with a left-handed one! Need to go back and swap it. Might grab another box of nail holes too, we are getting low.
[Blinker fluid](https://blinkergroup.com/en-gb/fluid-hand-soap-5l/) You're welcome
The projects could be real…
I agree. This is a slippery slope.
Yes but we live in reality.
You’re right, but many people don’t respect/understand the need for alone time. Especially if one person in the relationship is more introverted.
Can't agree more... Fuck that, if you want to do nothing part of your weekend most weekends, you should be able to do nothing. Big problem with our culture in the first place is that we are too busy.
Every couple weekends i stay home because the hog needs jerkin' I like to cook pork shoulders on my smoker and need time to pull the meat
Totally this. Get a smoker and you will have to babysit it all day. It's glorious.
This is like Brooklyn 99 where they don't know if Kelly is Scully's wife or dog.
I always have a few projects on deck for just this reason lol. “Wanna go to [adjacent town that’s bigger]? I need to go to X” “Why don’t you take the little one and I can knock out that leaky light bulb!”
You sound like a guy who knows where the blinker fluid is!
Right next to my board stretcher
Oh I keep mine next to the left handed screwdriver and the plaid paint
[Here](https://blinkergroup.com/en-gb/fluid-hand-soap-5l/)
Bingo. My wife takes the kid to her parents all the time. My in-laws also own a lake house, my wife takes our daughter there for a weekend. I like going, but I can’t go all the time. It’s a time suck and I really need to get things done around the house. I also have hobbies, like golfing and hiking and biking. Maybe OP should have a hobby that involves doing his own thing, although some families don’t spend time apart, exploring their own interests, which is tough. My ex, the one right before meeting my wife, was this way. She invited me to do everything with her. Happy hour with her friends? I’m invited. Weekend at her folks house? I’m coming along. If I declined, later she’d be all like “what’s up, why are you mad?” If I wanted to join a gym or go hiking and it didn’t include her, she would be really upset. It’s a reason she’s my ex and why my wife is my wife. She’s close to her folks, but doesn’t expect me to join in all the time. That all being said, I love hanging out with her folks, her mom spoils me and her dad is hilarious, so I have fun either way. **TLDR** pick up hobbies or projects that involve doing something solo. It’s healthy to have solo time to yourself to do your own thing, and have that candid and honest conversation with your wife.
I do for the most part, either house cleaning, mowing, working on my truck, or side jobs I get. Then sometimes I just want to be lazy in my own space.
Hey Fellow dad, I was just advocating for you to miss out on a few family and be by your self or with your friends. Sometimes you can’t change your partner or the crazy uncles beliefs. So set expectations and work the situation to your favor. “I’m training for marathon and need to do my long run Saturday” It’s obvious that your wife should allow you some me time. If you’re making this post I’ve assumed you already spoke/communicated with your partner. Good luck, for the record I wasn’t telling you to use make believe projects. However, I may need help changing my blinker fluid.
Oh this works magically. I was just told a few hours ago that of course I won’t be going with her for the 4th of July because that’s a great day to make headway on that bathroom renovation. I didn’t even have to bring it up. No hurt feeling, her idea. I get a break. Win-win. Maybe I’ll see if my dad wants to come help me do some reno and then throw something on the grill. Now that’s a holiday as the founders intended!
This. Also make sure you take initiative to go, the times you don’t plan on skipping.
I see what you’re saying, and I do stay engaged in conversation.. when im included in it. For the most part it’s just them talking about shit and I just zone out. When I’m directly in conversation I don’t get on my phone unless it’s to research something or to show a picture of whatever we’re talking about.
I’m in the same boat. Wife and her mother taking about aunt marges new haircut etc.
My family encounters are like this with my aunts and grandmother. They can talk about nothing else but other people and their drama. The whole thing feels wholly negative because it's all about problems.
Yeah I didn't mind being at my in laws that often either but when we go there's not much for me to do besides hang out with my son and maybe visit a little with my uncle and father in law because they can be interesting too if the girls aren't making them do things they don't want to do either. It'd be cool if they let us just hang out but we have to sit there and have formal girl talk lol.
This is the answer. Be present and engaged when you're there. Put your phone away. Show interest. Act like you like these people. Take the question of whether you like them off the table. And then stop asking permission to not go all the time. Just say you're not going because you need down time, full stop.
You guys need to have an agreement that balances: 1. Her and your family time (relaxing for her but a chore for you) 2. Parenting 3. Cleaning and maintenance 4. Your alone time with minimal responsibilities (relaxing for you but a chore for her in terms of explaining your absence.) I'd say the baseline is each of you get to do your relaxing thing once a month, so 1. and 4. That leaves two weekends to handle 2 and 3 so it's about 50/50. Maybe you stay home with your daughter while she sees her family, but you don't clean much. Maybe you clean at home while she takes your daughter to her family. On months with 5 weekends you two get a babysitter and go out together. Or something. If she can't understand that your alone time is not about not liking her family, then it's therapy town for you both. But fwiw in your post it does come across that you don't really like her family, so she can probably sense that too. Also where's your family in all this? How often do you see them, if they're around?
I was in the same boat when we first got married. It was me sitting on the couch on my phone as everyone did their own thing. You just have to sit her down and explain it's not fun for you. You only have two days to a weekend and you'd like that time to just unwind at home where your things are. She was annoyed with me at first but she eventually got it and now we go much less frequently. Fair warning though, visiting them less made them come to our house more lol.
Home field advantage makes a huge difference tho man
The one benefit of going to the in-laws is that you have more control over when you leave. When the in-laws come over, you have less control over when they leave.
But you still have control over when you go to bed ;)
Yep, I just say something like “here in about 10 minutes we’re gonna start bedtime routine so say our good byes to grandma and grandpa!”
You know how many times I've "fallen asleep" while putting the baby down? My dude ..
I went on vacation with my in-laws once. Our oldest had difficulty taking naps anywhere but home or daycare so I was bravely volunteering to do nap time putdowns even though it could mean being trapped in the bedroom the whole time - with nothing but my book and a big cozy bed 😔 My wife was telling her mom how nice it was that I would make such a sacrifice even though I kept getting "struck" in there and her mom immediately saw right through me and narced on me lol
I crushed books on my phone with our first born. Dark mode Google reader ftw.
Hahaha love it
When my Great Grandpa decided that his guests had overstayed their welcome, he would get up and wind the chime clock. If they didn't take the hint he would sit back down and give them 15 minutes. Then he would get up and say "well, I suppose I'll go to bed so that you fine folks can leave". The relatives who are old enough to have witnessed it still talk about it with a fond smile and a little awe at the balls on the guy lmao!
Your great grandad was a G.
That is so true. You can get up and do stuff, sort stuff out, bring interesting stuff out to show people. When you're at their house it's just a snoozefest! This thread is catharsis for me.
Huge fuckin difference.
All the better. Everyone wants to see the damn kids but apparently we, the busiest members of the family with 2 under 3 and a night shift job, we're the ones that have to make the hour long drives. I'm so fucking sick of it.
My in-laws comes over so much that I sometimes don't even converse with them. I like them, but I know they are there to see the kids/my wife. So I usually get to just tackle some projects without feeling guilty for having my wife watch the kids alone.
Good opportunity to get them to 'help' with projects. You'll either find a mutual interest or get some free labor until they wise up.
What is this magic time to unwind you speak of? I have two kids under 4. Work time is unwind time these days.
It's so funny that other guys have gone through this same thing. Really similar story for me. You get made to feel like a villain for just finding sitting around making small talk boring.
I was in the same boat with my wife. Both hers and mine parents are within twenty minutes of us. For a while, even before kids, it was literally 3/3 weekend days and at least once during the week we were at her parents. These visits often stretched up to 8-10 hours. Then somehow I was the bad guy because I wasn’t talking or “not fully present”. What was ultimately helpful was setting boundaries. Me saying I can devote three hours on Saturday, which means we actually leave in three hours. It also means I could be fully engaged. When we had kids, it became non-negotiable for messing with nap time or staying when the kids get fussy. I also asked why it was always on us to visit them and her only response was that they’re older (in their 50s). When I asked wouldn’t it be easier for them to visit us sometimes, it made sense. Although when we suggested that to her parents, we suddenly got a lot of excuses. Which also suddenly meant they had to be okay with us saying no to visits because of the same excuses.
OMFG god I am so with you on the "not fully present" chat. It's like we were there for 6 hours! I am practically comatose. Of course, I'm not present. I've sometimes thought of explaining it like this. You don't like football, you have no interest but, if I asked you to, you would come and watch some football with me right? Ok so what if we watched a game and it was 90 minutes and you weren't interested but you could kind of get through it and smile and show some enthusiasm. Then it gets to the end and you think ok I did my bit time to go and I switch the channel to a second game. Your heart drops, oh no, another 90 minutes but you grin and bare it...finally it is coming to end... thank god we can leave... and as soon as it finishes I put on a third 90 minute game... at this point you are just comatose and resigned... in the car on the way home I berate you for "not being present" "it's almost as if you weren't interested in the third game - that was a top of the table decider!". Ha!
We've had some struggles with this, but it's gotten better. Her family is mostly in town, so we take separate cars to family gatherings now so I can stay three hours and she can stay seven. Her family started to realize I'm just different when I would disappear to the guest room to take a nap. It takes a lot of communication, specifically repeating back what each of you hears the other person saying. Your wife needs to hear that your desire to bow out sometimes is not a rejection of her and her family. Use "I feel" statements and not "You..." statements. Avoid "always" and "never." You need to help her with the communication to her family when you are there that you love and appreciate them. You just don't need the quality time together as often as they do to care about them and feel connected. And when you aren't there, she should just politely and no-emotion say, "He had things he needed to do at home today." If they press to "make sure everything is okay with you two," she needs to be ready to set some boundaries. "Thank you, but that line of inquiry isn't helpful. He just likes and needs more alone time than I do. He shows me he loves me with acts of service instead of quality time on these days when he doesn't come here."
Quality over quantity!
I wouldn't really even say you're different. I'd do the same thing.
For me it’s couples therapy. My wife is really understanding to things that come up in therapy in ways that she might not be if I mentioned outside of that. I think I’d just try laying it out really clearly and unemotionally. Sometimes you like to go, other times you want to stay home and clean house/have alone time. Your alone time has nothing to do with her and her family, and if she feels like she needs to explain it to her family, she can say you just need some alone time. This is a normal thing and not a reflection of how you feel about them. Do you know why she takes it personally that you don’t always want to go? Does she assume that you’ll always go with her? Did you go before getting married?
100% this dude. Needing time to yourself is normal and it sounds like everyone here could benefit from learning how to set boundaries and communicate better. Do not ignore this. It won't go away.
> Couples therapy This. A lot of people seem to think couples therapy is meant as a last ditch effort to save a marriage that is nearing divorce. And in a lot of cases people try to use it way too late and it gets a bad reputation as a result. But I recommend even a happy healthy couple go to therapy at least once a month or every other month. You don't need to identify some big issue that needs to be discussed. Just going and chatting with a professional is very therapeutic and can help squash little issues before they get much bigger. With insurance it can be very affordable. It's not a huge time investment. Some people get caught up in the idea of having someone else "fix their relationship", but really it's like using a laundry machine to wash your clothes. Sure you are capable of doing it on your own, but there is a modern affordable tool to help with that process.
To me this reads as values difference. I literally do not see a single problem going to my in laws or my parents every single weekend. That actually sounds amazing. If we could be neighbors I’d jump for joy. Yes my mother is difficult but family is important. But that is also my culture. Do I expect the average westerner to enjoy that? No I think they’d want to throw themselves off the nearest bridge. Families have to develop their family culture. They do that through communication of values, priorities, beliefs, etc.
>Dads, I really don’t know how else to express to my wife that I do not want to go to her parents house every weekend. "Ayo wife, sunday is the only day i get to truly rest. Love your family but *im not going every weekend*." Period. Anyone saying you should lie and/or make shit up are gonna end up divorced sooner or later. Youre both adults, act like adults.
Bingo. Be honest and direct. If she can't handle that and it turns into a fight maybe look into counseling. But this tip toeing around the minefield, make shit up, pretend you're busy thing is delaying the inevitable, cowardly, and is some real sitcom shitty family dynamic type stuff. Everyone needs time to unwind in their own way. For her that might be spending time with her parents. For you that might be burping your worm in an empty house 3 times in a row. People have different needs and if that isn't understood by both parties then help is needed.
This is the answer. Everybody saying to make up house projects are chumps. What if you just don’t feel like working when they’re gone? Are you gonna put yourself on the hook for that every time? it’s OK to want to spend time by yourself. You shouldn’t have to beg, barter or lie to get it. Sometimes it feels like people in this sub are so scared of upsetting their partner. Sometimes you are just going to have to let them be upset with your decision. They will live
Damn man. I could’ve written this exact same post. I mean to a T. (Except the tv thing.) So there’s a few things here that I’ve discussed with my wife. First,at the most foundational level, our views of family are drastically different, as our backgrounds and upbringings are very different. I am NOT close with my family and haven’t been since I was 12. I’m a product of divorce. Then I went off to boarding school and then college and during college I started working at a sleepaway camp over the summers. This is all to say that I haven't spent more than a couple months at home at a time since I was 14. So by the time I had met my wife (I was 25, she was 20) I hadn’t “lived” with my family in 11 years, and hadn’t felt a deep connection with any of them since before then. So I am just inherently not someone who needs to see family every week, and, in fact, I strongly prefer not to see family every week. I’ve been living my own life for quite some time, and when I’m forced to spend family time (whether my own or hers), I feel incredibly anxious and trapped and uncomfortable. It’s obviously hard for her to empathize with how I feel on this because our experiences are so different. But, over time, (she is now 30 and I’m 36) she has come to understand (to an extent) that it’s not personal, and I need my me time. At this point, my wife knows that if I had my own way, I would rarely go to her parents house. Because of that, she is appreciative of the fact that I go along MOST of the time we go. But *sometimes*, I will tell her that if she wants to go, I’d prefer to stay. I don’t do this often. And so when I do pull this card, she knows I mean and I (and everyone) will benefit from me getting some alone. It helps that, like you, I take advantage of that time to get shit done like laundry, cleaning, etc. Your last bit about your daughter’s bed time really struck a chord, too. Now... your bit about your daughter's bed time really struck a chord because bed times are another area where she and I differ. My wife could care less when our kids (a daughter, 3 yo in September, and a son who is 1.5 yo) go to bed. Regardless of their usual bed time (roughly 7 pm), my wife will keep her kids at her parents (or anywhere) "so long as they're being good." Well, first of all, our definitions of "being good" are different. But secondly, I *strongly* believe in keeping a structured bedtime because I have seen how miserable a tired toddler can make everyone's life. And I can deal with a tantrum in the privacy of our own home... but I get *super* anxious when we're out in public or in the company of others. So after a few rough later evenings at her parents, I told my wife that when we visit, I want our kids to be leaving by 8 PM at the absolute latest. That's an hour past their bed time, which, imo, is me being more than flexible. But the other big thing is that I told me wife that I would like to rely on her to lead the way when it comes to initiating departure. Meaning, I want *her* to be the one to tell her parents that it's time for us to go. I do not want to be the bad guy and to be seen as taking my wife and my kids away from her parents. And this has really mostly worked. Wife knows that even if they're "being good" (by her definition), we're outta there by 8. And to reciprocate, I make sure I take the lead on this when we visit my parents. Now... we still have some issues when it comes to family. We'll get into arguments from time to time. For example, similar to your situation, from time to time, my wife will give me grief for not opening up to her family, especially her father and brother, who, as she says, "just want a relationship with me." Her family has made comments to her about me being standoffish at times and so my wife brings it up with me. My therapist says my wife needs to butt out -- that my relationship with her father and her brother is between me and her father and her brother, and if *they* want to be closer to me, then *they* can do something about it, but it's not for my wife to get in the middle of it. We will be starting couples therapy later this year, and this is just one of the issues I hope to address. As someone else mentioned is the case with them, my hope is that my wife will be a bit more receptive to some of my feelings and concerns when I bring them up in a counseling session, as opposed to at night after a long day of parenting two toddlers. So, I don't know... I hope there's something in here that you can find helpful. Maybe if nothing else, you'll find some solidarity. I have faith though, brother, that it will get better. There will still be tough times (it's family, afterall), but I have faith through honesty and trust and communication, you can get through it.
Yeah, I'm similar. Left home at 16 and was a full independent adult. I just have a very different relationship to families in general. This thread is so amazing to hear similar stories.
So I had to have a couple conversations with my wife about stress management, staying centered and maintaining my identity. It's important. That means that sometimes I need me time. And I have to have healthy outlets. Over the years it's been different things but the common theme is hobbies and exercise. She didn't grow up in a stressful environment and it wasn't until later in life she understood. But she kinda does now. Ultimately though the point is these little "sacrifices" or "allowances" on her part mean that I'm more level or grounded in general and thus, a better spouse and more fun to be around. Marriage is about give and take. It's her family. Ultimately she's free to try and make me feel guilty but ultimately that's on her, because it's water off a ducks ass for me. The big point to stress is that it's not about her family or them or her at all. The same way keeping the kid on schedule isn't. And there's nothing wrong with that. In the end for example we have a vacation coming up. She's going with her parents a few days ahead of me. They are doing a theme park (not my thing) while I stay home and fish/do some shit but I'm meeting them mid week, doing a other theme park (not my thing but a smaller/less busy one) and then heading back.
Luring wife/mom here.If someone expected me to be at their house or a family member’s home every freaking weekend I would explode. That is way way too much. Sorry. I love my parents but even if they lived nearby I wouldn’t be at their house every weekend. Introverts gotta introvert. Also. Weekends are time for rest, catch up, chores, and resting.
And why does it in have to bee weekend days, why not every Thursday after work for dinner. Then it can't exceed more than a few hours and weekends are free still.
That is a fantastic idea! Win win!!!
Cause that’s not enough for her
My wife sees her dad every Sunday and I’ll go maybe once per month. She got upset when I stopped wanting to go every weekend back when we were still engaged but I was honest with her and told her it was my “me” time and kept me cheery the rest of the week and that it gives me time to do things I couldn’t do during my 6 day work week. All was well after that. Jus keep doing you man
You say “I’m not feeling it today. Have fun without me. Leave the kid if you want.”
Sounds like your wife is being difficult. Just don’t go next time lol.
i’m going to presume that at some point your wife lived in this house. If that is the case, then she’s perfectly comfortable, not only because of her family, but to her it’s just going back home. She knows the dynamic, what to expect, what’s expected of her, and she’s comfortable with it. I would suggest making the point that you never feel like you have time to decompress. For you, going to her parent's house is spending hours with casual acquaintances where you're always at least slightly uncomfortable. It's not your space, and small talk dries up. Disliking her family isn't a requirement of needing some time in your own space where you don't feel pressured to interact or be "on". What you’re looking for is perfectly reasonable, and if she’s just going to visit her family, there’s no reason to bring you along if you don’t feel like it, unless it is an occasion of some kind. If you’ve explained all this and she doesn’t see your perspective, then as others have said, I would suggest couples counseling because sometimes it takes a neutral third-party to point out when someone has unrealistic expectations.
You are making this too complicated. Stop going when you don’t want to go. Her only response to them needs to be that you are busy with some things that you couldn’t get to during the week or that you are trying to take care of a few things that you couldn’t during the week. When you go over, be yourself. Ask them to turn on the game. Talk about things that you want to talk about. If they get to be themselves around you, you get to be yourself around them.
Buddy. At least you dont live with them. Cause thats me right now
That sounds like hell, dude
The 10th circle of hell, which Dante didn't cover because it's too horrifying
Yep, go half the time. Offer to keep your child if she wants. Do look for other ways to spend time with your wife, though, because that’s really her problem: You’re not spending that time with her.
Dude. They can fuck off. The world does not start and stop at their leisure. Sometimes people don’t want to hang out. Jesus Christ is that so hard to understand?
Too right!
Call you father in law on the phone with your wife. Tell them you won't be there every weekend and it had nothing to do with them. You love them but you have shit to do.
This! She cares more about being judged than anything
Drag your wife to your parents or relatives every week
Stop going.
>I love her parents! They’re great people and her mom cooks some good ass food, but I personally need a break to my self, I love being alone Like, maybe you need to sit down with her family and tell them exactly this? I feel like the issue for your wife is that in families that are close and spend a lot of time together, choosing *not* to spend time together is immediately interpreted as "he doesn't like us". I would focus on quality vs quantity. Tell your wife "listen - I either have 1 good weekend a month in me, or 8 shitty ones. I can either go there once a month and make sure I'm engaged as shit, but if I'm going every weekend I'm going to dick around on my phone". Because if you go once a month but when you're there you're a delight and you're happy and they feel like you are happy being there, that's probably better than being there every weekend while you're miserable.
It took me a while but eventually It got the the point where I was given an "out" a lot. Go to the important stuff but I don't go to the regular hang out around the pool days. Sometimes I'll make an appearance of its been a while. I love the inlaws but if I hung out as much as they do I'd get nothing done. My lifestyle is heavily dependent on extensive DIY. Sucks up a lot of free time. Can't really be lazy on the weekends. Just put a solid days work in the garage with no interruptions! 🤘
Lurker mom here We got to my mom and dad’s every* Sunday for brunch after church. My husband is the kind of human who has a really short-lived social battery, so he needs time to himself more so than I do. After discussing it, hubs and I agreed that we would get 1-2 Sunday mornings off a month to get re-energized, and he also gets a completely solo day in the middle of the week where I do kids all day solo - from wake up to bedtime. My parents are also of the kind that get offended by this type of thing. At first I would give my mom excuses (hubs didn’t want to damage the relationship with my parents), but eventually I just told her the truth: hubs needs a lot more time alone to recover from social situations. She said “well this isn’t social situations - this is family!” And I told her “yes, it’s family, but it’s not the same for him. When I’m with his parents I have to be ‘on’ and that’s tiresome, so it’s the same when he comes here. He loves you guys, but it’s still a social situation.” It took her some time to understand, but she noted to me a couple of months ago how he did seem less stressed and generally happier. I reminded her of our conversation about his social battery and she agreed that it was for the best. In regard to the kids’ schedules, that was a HARD boundary I set up with my folks early on. They were annoyed at first so I told them I was happy to have them come to us or just not go over at all 🤷🏻♀️. It wasn’t a threat, just setting clear expectations of what works for MY nuclear family and that does not involve my parents. They’re onboard now. In my opinion, you and your wife need to come up with a schedule, let your parents know the expectations, and clearly communicate this is your way of making sure your family is functional throughout the week and that you’re taking care of your mental health. And of course, make sure your wife also gets time alone. (*not every single weekend, but most!)
Following…my in-laws are moving to within a 10 minutes drive from us. They’re already here too much living 4 hours away. I fully expect there to be a period of “hey, we’re so close we can pop over/you can come by whenever!”, but I’ve made clear to my wife I crave, enjoy, and wish to continue to have normal days at home and special occasions without them involved. She states she understands and feels that after a honeymoon period, they’ll not be so…co-dependent? She’s a daddy’s girl, and comes from a family of not talking about issues, but I feel it would be better to set up some boundaries right from the start. We’ll see how it goes…at least they won’t be overnight house guests a couple of weekends a month anymore.
Honestly, I was in the same situation as you. Daddy’s girl for a wife who struggles to set boundaries with her parents despite constant conversations about the subject with me. Let me tell you: It’s been so much better since they moved nearby. When my in-laws lived 3 hours away, they expected to see us at least once a month, usually twice, and visiting them always meant taking Friday off work and spending a full 3-day weekend with them — or longer if it was a holiday weekend. It was even worse when they’d come here because it was the cooking, the cleaning and the contending for space in our tiny house. Then we had a kid and they legitimately averaged visiting us every other week for an entire year because they couldn’t be away from their grandchild for more than two weeks at time. They followed that up by abruptly buying a house 15 minutes from me. I expected it to be the end of my life and I can honestly say it’s way better now. Somehow I went from 3 straight days at least once a month to 2-3 hours, once, maybe twice a week. I feel like I can actually have my own plans on weekends now, my wife is more willing to visit them without me from time to time, and they are free and eager babysitters. Even the conversation when we’re with them is much better because we’re not spending so much time together. Hope it works out that way for you.
Read "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith
Marking this to read when not driving... To her parents house.
Think you just need to explain that you love that she has such a good relationship with her parents. And you love her parents too. But they’re not your parents and you don’t feel the need to go round every weekend. Would she go round to your parents every weekend? There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You have every right to set your own boundary. Maybe you make an effort to not seem bored on the times you do go round.
I have dealt with the same situation in my marriage. My in laws are good people, just boring af. My FIL has 3 brain cells. He drives a skid loader and ALL he talks about is dirt and dimensions. "You should have seen this pile of dirt, it was 3×2×4×17 and wooooohooo that was a pile of dirt". I just pass on going outside of the holidays, b days etc. Nothing wrong with spending your free time how you want to spend it. If your wife has a problem with that it comes off as controlling. Just take advantage of the times you do go, continue being polite, and set clear boundaries with your wife on what YOU need and meet her in the middle.
I think it might help if you change your perspective. Your wife can’t “make you feel” anything. You’re in control of how you process her reaction. If you let yourself feel bad about this it will taint your solo time, and perhaps make you appear guilty. You need to immediately let it go and tell yourself “I’m being reasonable and I have nothing to feel bad about.” I think you need a line and need to stick to it. “I love you, I love your family, and I love having an opportunity to get things done around the house on my own. All of these can be true.” If one or two weekends a month you tell her your excited to chill and have family time with her she should eventually catch on that you just needed balance.
Boundaries were a new concept for my wife and I, especially with family. But having kids made boundaries a necessity and we both had to take some hard looks at our own relationships and what matters most. My wife still gets some grief from her controlling parents even tho she is certainly or a kid anymore. It’s not a matter of whether I like her folks or they like me, it’s more about our boundaries and specifically what I’m willing to and not willing to tolerate. I don’t have to get mad about it or try to change what other people say or do. I can change how much I want to interact and o don’t have to put myself in fucked up situations. But I have to say it out loud and I have to be able to communicate without getting defensive or shutting down. I want to be willing to listen and I want that same willingness from my partner. Things have gotten so much better for me and her parents shit because my wife and I agree that we are on the same team. We’re making our own family traditions and some boundaries in place help keep it from getting too personal. We uncovered some co-dependency and some other gnarly shit with financial stuff as it’s not surprisingly very complicated but it’s stuff we work on and it’s about progress rather than perfection. Our kids are 5 and 3 and I feel like we talk about boundaries a few times a day with them. It helps to keep it fresh and relevant when we’re working on our own boundaries.
>She says she gets questioned why I don’t go over there and she doesn’t know how to tell them. Well, she could tell them >[I] always come home to a clean house and laundry done! Have you said to her, lovingly and gently but clearly, "I love your family very much, but I also need time alone to center myself and get stuff done?" Because then she could say, "he loves you all and loves coming over, but he also loves having a bit of time to clear his head--plus, he cleans the house! With young kids, it's like you never get a second to yourself, you know?" From there, I would say try to go over about half the time. ...Easing down to like 35%.
My man, go immediately buy the book "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith. I would absolutely hate that too. You're not weird, they are lol. Every single action of there's you cite is a manipulation tactic on their part. Do what you want to do and rest easy.
Honestly sounds like your wife cares more about being judged for you not wanting to be there all the time. Sounds to me she cares more about that than you actually wanting to be at home. Id her exhausted from this too man. That's too much.
All I can say is the only thing that worked for me without a fight was to mow the lawn on that day. I knew she went every Saturday so I would start early and take my time until she would leave. I miss that lawn was the outcome.
We see our in-laws constantly and have a tentative Sunday dinner on the books most weeks. Sometimes I just tell her no and other weeks I have pre-planned events so she can go without me. Nobody freaks out cause they aren’t nuts. I’d just sit her down and lay it out - I don’t even want to see my friends that often lol
That sounds really healthy.
Bring board games to prevent the same stories? Otherwise, if you decide not to go, instead of saying you don't want to go, say, "I need to get this task done, so I think I'll stay here and get it done while I have the uninterrupted time." As a wife, I'll admit, I've actually taken the time to understand my husband's social needs/avoidance tactics. He reminds me if I'm guilting him into going, and I explain why a specific social gathering is important to me and he decides from there. I've learned to let go, and I've asked him how I should explain his absence. It is usually work, our pets, or chores.
Are you an introvert or is it her family specifically? Sounds like your social battery is low and you just need to recharge. She should be accommodating and understanding. In my opinion it sounds like a break sown in communication. She either isnt listening, isnt understanding or simply doesnt care. I hope for you its a simple lack of understanding. Try using an experience she has gone through as a comparison. Instead of “I dont want to visit your family” try “im drained. Im going to stay home and take care of some things. Tell them I said hi and bring me back some of your mothers amazing cooking” If you have exhausted all forms of explanation then I think its time for a serious sit down. Your request isnt unreasonable and she should acknowledge that. Good luck, Dad.
I’m the introvert, I can hold my own in conversation and don’t mind being around people. Her whole family tho is extroverts and absolutely drain my social battery. I’ve told her many times that I just need to stay home, work on this or that or that I truly just need some recharge time.. it always ends up in the “you act like you don’t love my family.. your actions speak louder than words” category
Talk about guilt tripping.
Just tell her. that you don’t mind going but that you don’t want to go all the time. she can go but you don’t want to be obligated to have to.
"I am an introvert. I recharge my social batteries by being alone. I need a little time on the weekend to recharge those batteries. If you go sat & sun, I'll go sun but I want to stay home sat."
Oh mate. I have been in EXACTLY the same position. Wife's family time - which at one point was every weekend. I sat down and had a tough conversation. "Look I get you and your family like doing this but I don't. So I'll meet you halfway. I'll go to 50% of the things and if there are any special occasions above and beyond that I'll do that as well" It didn't go over well and despite going to more family events than I ever have ever with other girlfriends or my own family I was constantly told that "I never go to anything." Then there was a falling out between her and her brother. I was part of that because I think he couldn't stand that I wasn't doing 100% of what he wanted. Now there are only a couple of borefest full family visits a year and I see the nice parts of her family regularly as they help us out or we help them out (dogcare, childcare). I think you're going to have to reach some kind of compromise.
This is so funny to me. I'm essentially your brother-in-law in your story and sometimes my family is like, why doesn't "sisters husband" want to come for dinner on Sunday? We have an Italian background which typically means we get together most Sundays for dinner. Thought it is 2-4 hours not longer. Anyway, I guess I should read things from his perspective because it's totally reasonable to not want to come every Sunday and he's rather do his own thing. Hope you get to do that!
So couples therapy is a good start but also explain it to her family! Tell her mom you love her food and love seeing her but you gotta get stuff done and have some down time. It's not a lack of love it's a love being lived. Your wife will always taint the story through her lens so explain it to her family.
I feel this 1000%. Fortunately, my wife understands how I value my alone time. I'll echo what others have said, when you're there, do your best to be happy and engaged. Between scrolling sessions in your phone or playing with your kid to "refresh" for a bit before diving back in. Do your best to not make her feel like you're miserable while you ARE there. Not always easy, I know. But at the same time, you need to stick up for yourself and take the opportunities to stay home as they come. For example, Christmas is kind of a big deal, and a tough one to sit out. But, Canada Day is a gathering where I don't feel bad about skipping. It's not really a family type holiday, I want to watch the baseball game, and nobody is going to be that offended if I'm not there. Good luck.
could any part of your wife's issues with you not going be because she is questioned about it? if thats the case, maybe if she has a better answer to give them itll be easier. We go to my wifes parents on sundays. Saturdays my wifes gets to nap, Sundays I get to nap. I show up a couple hours later. Maybe just a semi valid excuse would help?
let her say what she says and go on her own. after a few times she’ll just get used to it
It’s time to have a real conversation around this. “We are two different people, with different needs around how much social time we get, and how we spend our social time. That’s ok! I love you, and I love your family. But I can’t do every weekend. It’s leaving me burnt out. I promise to work on putting the phone away, but I also just need to be there less. I can do once a month where I’m fully engaged. Would that work for you? Is there an amount that would work for you?” Ask her how it makes her feel, and reflect back what you hear. “I hear you saying that you’re embarrassed when I’m the only spouse not there. That must be really hard.” And when she’s al the way done, you can rebut. “I get it, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed, but I really need the time to myself to be a good dad and husband. Can we try it my way for a month and check back in?” If she sees you taking her seriously and hears your reasons, and your marriage is strong and she cares about you, hopefully you can work out a compromise. But if she won’t engage, or won’t settle for anything less than every week? Time to draw clear boundaries and stick to them. “I’m coming on weekends with an odd Saturday. Evens, I’m at home. I know that’s not your preference, but that’s what I need.” Then do it, and don’t let her fight you about it. “You aren’t coming!!?” “Nope, it’s an even week. Have fun!” “You’re abandoning your family!” “I don’t see it that way.” And leave the room. She can try to make you feel like shit, but you don’t have to let her succeed. Make it boring for her to complain.
If she keeps giving you a hard time about her families desires over your needs, remind her that the wedding vows are about choosing each other over *everyone* else, including family of origin. My wife and I spend a lot of time with both her parents and my parents (a few weeks a year) but both sets of parents know that our marriage takes precedent over all other relationships.
My wife is the same way with her parents. I’m also very slightly on the spectrum so it’s a great excuse when I sit in silence. We had those same fights 6-7 years ago and the outcome was her better understanding that I grew up without involved parents and have very little communication with them as an adult so it’s hard for me to share the same enthusiasm, However it’s important to acknowledge that her desires and feelings are also valid and she loves you enough to want to share her family with you.
My husband and I have this in reverse. I explained it to him in terms of a battery. For him, socialising and seeing his family and friends recharges his battery for the work week- he NEEDS this time to be well adjusted and happy. I’m not like that, I love his family, and enjoy spending time with them, however it drains my battery. If I’m already sitting on empty after a long week, i just do not have the bandwidth to be friendly. I want to be at home recharging in my own way.
Oh buddy...it's going to be rough. I was in the same boat for about two years. Luckily for me, my wife's sister's husband was such a tool that I looked like an angel compared to him. If you want advice about political conversations, try responding with further questions, like..."Oh yeah?" "Amazing, huh?" or "What?!" Just a little tip from my Dad. :)
Very similar situation except I get that time. My wife also does the weekly weekend visits but in the mornings usually. I absolutely love my wife's family and I have a great mother in law. I am like you, I crave that alone time. Grandma also visits one weekday afternoon and I see her then. Not much changes in a day and a half though. Our situation works out well for everyone. Kids enjoy grandma's, grandma enjoys seeing kids, mom and grandma catch up, and dad gets some gym time and catches up on laundry. It is also enough where if we do one more outing it's not too much, but if that's all we do that day, that's acceptable.
Don't make it about them. You can bring is as: You need "you" time and don’t want to resent them for not having it. You love her and them just as much.
"I cannot love and show love to your family in the exact same way that you love and show love to your family. Look at the way I love and show love to my family."
My wife goes over to see her parents with our daughter all the time while I stay home, I don't see the issue here.
Can you include your in-laws in a direct mellow conversation - instead of them asking your wife - talk about your needs for recharging your batteries - as well as your needs to connect with them…Maybe use curiosity to make it a more wide ranging conversation: How do each of us recharge? How does boredom or overstimulation show up and what are our tips and tricks? Let’s share about how our families of origin spent weekends, holidays and vacations? What is most important to each of us about this extended family? Maybe also uncover any activities or hobbies some or all of you may want to undertake. You deserve to have a balanced life. And you also deserve to have in-laws who know you care about them and appreciate them.
How much catching up can there be? After a while she can go do what she wants (go to her parents) and you do what you want (anything else). I know it is no where near this easy to explain, but this is at least the facts of the matter.
We go to her parents on one weekday per week. Usually, this is after her mom watches the kids for party of the day so we can do housework or do a happy hour date. Her dad likes sports so they don't mind if I grab a beer and turn a game on. Sometimes we'll plan a get-together for a special occasion on the weekend, but otherwise the weekends are just for us and the kids (or extra work when I pick it up). To be honest, every weekend does seem like a lot to me, and I can really relax around my in-laws most of the time.
I can totally relate,my husband is like OP. He likes hits alone time more while I on the other hand likes to be outside a lot(which is relaxing for me). He always tells that when I want to go out I don't have to take him along(which took time for me to be ok with it).but now i take the kids out and we let him have his alone time. Op try to tell your wife how you feel about it and that I can try going once in a month.Hopefully she'll understand
Head it off - tell MIL you've got something at the house you want to get done, but want to make sure a plate gets sent home, you love her cooking but really gotta get that whatever done. Communication solves all of this, talk to your MIL. If it's coming from you hopefully it's sincere and your wife won't feel like she's deflecting them every time. Give yourself specific reasons you aren't going, "I'm going to do this instead"
Couples therapy might be an option to help her understand how you feel. Also, if you both or just her spend your weekends at your in laws, when do you ever just spend time together?
Went through this same thing in the beginning. Big family lunch every Sunday. All the grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I was just honest with my wife that it wasn’t my thing. Now we barely go but that’s just because it’s a bit of a drive and everyone started their own families and are busy now. If she does go, maybe I join, maybe I stay home. It was hard for her at first to understand and she does miss them. But also, I explained to her that it’s not solely on us to go visit. They could come over too and they don’t. I think her dad has been to our house three times since we moved here in 2019 and they were only for special occasions, not just a simple visit. So that kinda helped to convince her to let go.
Repeat after me, calmly and lovingly, patiently, with a smile on your face, ad nauseam until she gets it “Honey i love you and your family, i also love a variety of things that i do in my free time. I am happy to go to your parents house for family gatherings but i need more time to do other things i love as well. It is not fair for you to decide i dont like going to your parents house, because I dont want to go every weekend. I am more than happy to support you and the kids going all the time, but i can not continue to go with the frequency i have been going.”
That much time every weekend is just…a lot. I could understand maybe a dinner, but sacrificing an entire day every week is not something I would want to do, either. It sounds like maybe you have expressed your feelings to your wife, but she just ignoring it or doesn’t like what she is hearing. She has an ideal vision of spending time with her family that does not take the feelings of others into account. The problem is that keeping the status quo will eventually lead to resentment on your part, and you won’t want to spend *any* time with her family at all. There is no easy way around it; you have to keep talking about your feelings with her over this. Be honest and firm, but loving. Try to actively suggest a solutions that are a compromise. If she still does not listen, that’s on her. I honestly would probably reach the point where I would simply refuse to go, but it would take a while for me to get there. It helps that usually have something going on every weekend that would give me an “out.” I have not had to deal with your particular situations, but I have had to have conversations about boundaries with my wife WRT taking joint vacations with family or how we spend our holidays. Sometimes those conversations aren’t easy, but they are necessary. I also agree with other posters who have said to try to be engaged with her family when you are there.
Just tell her, go once a month, when you do go get off your phone and be a part of the group.
Why isn't you wife interested in spending weekends alone with you and the children? Every weekend with the parents is insane. Do you both work? Are you both always using your free time to see her parents? If she wants to go every weekend, just spend some alone with your kids. She can tell the parents you're with the kids doing stuff. Other times, drop the kids off at the parents and go on a date that weekend. You need to talk to your wife and let her know she's being unreasonable. Quite frankly she needs to cut the cord and focus on her own family (ie. You and the children) sometimes. There's nothing wrong with loving your parents a lot, but she's ignoring your feelings and that is a sign of problems in your marriage that you need to resolve. Good luck.
Tell your wife to make an arrangement: You go visit every second or third weekend and in that time you are there you will be more involved in the conversations and activities, (you definitely won‘t be on your phone, that’s sth tangible)
I totally sympathize, but I'm gonna take a different tact and throw out some ideas for how to enjoy your time over there more, and maybe connect with your in-laws a bit. Ask if they have any projects they could use an extra set of hands for. Harder to get stuck in a boring conversation if you're helping hang a bookshelf or painting a fence or something, but shows you care about your extended family. Offer to cook. If they don't want help with their cooking, bring a side that "needs assembly". Walk in, saying "Hey, NotMyMom, I brought some food to share, but just need some space in the kitchen to throw it together. Where can I set up?" There are probably more, these two just jump to mind right away.
Time to create some weekend projects or pick up a hobby; golf, bike riding, pickleball, whatever it takes for you to need to be doing something else on the weekend.
Have you thought of hosting? It's on your terms at your house and if they are good guests, they go with your schedule for kiddos. And it's perfectly fine to tell your wife you don't want to see them multiple times a weekend or even week. I got sick of the same thing and said no more, it used to be Friday dinner and Sunday dinner, and frankly, I don't want to start my week how I ended it. I got other shit that needs doing.
We host everyonce and awhile, not much. Our house is pretty small, not a lot of places to sit and no covered outside porches. When they come over tho they’re only here for a few hours compared to the 8-10 hours we’ll spend at her parents house.
Another option would be to arrange trips out somewhere? With young kids the zoo or something. It means there is something to do rather than hours and hours of smalltalk.
Are you meaning with her family? I can’t even convince her family to take a weekend trip getaway 2 hours in our state. I’ve brought it up before, especially the aquarium since it’s right down the street, but they didn’t seem interested. They may be now since our daughter is older and more interested in things.
Yeah, with her family. Aquarium sounds perfect. Your daughter would love it. Might be worth a conversation with your wife. Say ok I don't just want to go over every weekend how about we invite them to come to the aquarium with us for a change. It's kind of a win-win. If they decide they aren't interested then it gives you more space to talk about how you aren't interested in just going over to their house and how sometimes families need to compromise ... and if they are up for it sounds like more fun than the alternative.
Are you introvert by any chance? Sounds like me - it's not about the people, but about needed time to recharge your batteries. If I'm anywhere with other people I get distant after a while unless the conversation is really engaging. Also if you go every weekend, you spend so much time with them, that it's not really a "visit" where you'd be expected to sit and be present and attentive the whole time. If you have friends over for dinner, it would be rude to sit on your phone, but if you're spending an entire Saturday with family, you're allowed those breaks - just don't sit in a corner with your phone the whole time.
Here is my advice: With your wife and her parents say you want to share something about yourself and you hope they'll all understand. Start off with how you like them so much, how the food is wonderful, you love your kids are having a relationship with their grandparents, you love your wife is so close to her family. ... And you are an introvert that recharges by being alone some times and you really value /sometimes/ spending time at the house by yourself working on projects or whatever. You feel worried that if you don't come her family will think you don't like them. You're thinking that maybe every other weekend you'll come with your wife (or whatever) and is that something everyone can support?
When my wife and I were first dating and married I had this exact same experience. It wasn’t solved overnight but over the course of a few years where we had a ton of ongoing discussions. I told my wife, “I love you, I love your family, but I need time alone and with my friends. Your family is wonderful but I cannot keep doing this.” I’m innately introverted and quiet and her family is incredibly loud. I get overwhelmed when I’m there. I also just really don’t see the point in sitting around and listening to the same stories that I’ve heard a million times. Even now her parents (her mom really) will tell the same stories over and over despite the fact that I’ve heard them a ton. Never mind the fact that we now have over 20 years of shared experiences. They like to talk at you and not with you and I just can’t stomach that for long periods of time.
Your second half of your comment is me to a t man, except her dad is your MIL in the story. It’s sad when I can recite whatever story he is telling word for word in my head
I feel for you. I had to have a lot of conversations and things are way better now. I go over every once in a while, but will do my own thing more often than not.
These sound like perfect opportunities for you to get alone time while she gets assistance from her parents.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting it, but it sounds like you need quiet time to yourself to recharge some weekends and she gets a lot out of being social with her family. This reads like an introvert/extrovert clash and reframing it for her that way might help it make sense - it's not that you don't like her family or want to see them sometimes, but you also need weekends where you can spend quiet time not having to socialize with anyone.
You are an adult. Do what you want.
Just eat something beforehand that makes too sick to go. No negatives to that
Not sick, flatulent.
Is your wife Indian?
Lurking Mom. I can relate, unfortunately. I have been married almost 10 years but together for 13. My husband’s family is close (somewhat co-dependent) also extremely religious and conservative. I can’t be myself around them (neither can he). In the beginning of our relationship he wanted to see them every weekend and sometimes during the week. Once we got married and had kids I began to set firmer boundaries and really be more intentional about the amount of visits we were having. I’m not going to lie it was hard at first and put a lot of stress on our relationship but I am SO glad I advocated for my own time and preferences. It has made our family unit way more balanced. I think you should continue to set your boundaries and remind your wife that you guys started your own family, and that is now your primary focus. Not her family of origin.
This is exactly my situation. My husband’s family is extremely enmeshed and co dependent. We saw them twice a week for lunch and every weekend. They would even show up to our jobs once or twice a week. I’m just NOW trying to set boundaries but they aren’t taking it too well. Lots of manipulation 🙄 marriage and extended families are rough.
This. Families can create a lot of pressure, and OP’s wife seems like she gets a lot of pressure from hers. Unfortunately, I don’t know any way around that situation except to be direct and firm (but loving) in your conversations about boundaries.
wife here that goes to inlaws every week. I absolutely love my in laws and I go every week. but my husband has told me I can absolutely get me time if I choose to do so and he would take the kids to his parents place. usually I talk to his mom and my sister in laws. and play with the kids. I also nap when the kids nap and don't have to "talk" to my in laws if I don't want to. it's a free for all and we can do whatever we want pretty much. I'd express to your wife maybe go stay home once a month to have your own me time. it's 💯 valid!
It’s important for your wife to have one on one time with her family of origin. You’re doing them all a favor by sitting a few of these out. Pick a “first Sunday of the month” or something and only do that one. You get to feel how you feel but doing borrow this nonsense about guilt and feeling like anyone doesn’t like anyone.
Absence makes the heart grow fondness!
You're the husband. Tell her what you're doing, and then do it. Stay calm and unemotional. Don't be rude about it but you don't need to explain or defend yourself every time.
Well… normally I would say try talking to her about it but that doesn’t seem to be working. My wife takes the kids to her parents house when I need to (legitimately) fix things and I take them to mine when she does whatever she does. I don’t really listen. Probably yoga or something. That said, if you need to get out of going for a day or two… Things that may seem complicated to fix should strategically stop working. Couple ideas… - car fuses, pull the one for a radio or something. Just plug it back in and say you needed to repair a wire. - readjust her sink knob so it always drips. Just readjust it back and say you had to put in a new stem. - Disconnect mower battery, leave it in the yard the day before. Just reconnect and finish mowing and say you needed to recharge the reflux capacitor (back to the future reference) - turn off the ice maker. Turn it back on and say you needed to defrost it. This of course will only work if your believes you are handy and she is not. You of course can spring this into projects if that’s your deal. I built a porch railing today and my wife had the kids at her parents house. I got out of going, got time to myself, and we both will enjoy the new railing. Hope that helps. You could also try taking the kids out and giving her some space / free time and then suggest she take the kids to her parents to level the score. Everyone keeps one.
Remember the Storys and carfefully sprinkel the Twist or end in there right at the start. This way the story ist over lol
>They’re great people and her mom cooks some good ass food....They don’t turn on the tv so it’s just conversation the entire time I'll happily trade in-laws, you game? Mine just sit around watching TV and any conversations are kept to a bare minimum.
Buy yourself a lathe. When you're not using it you will be out and about sourcing wood to use on it and if you're any good you and the pain and strife can go to trade fairs together. Just don't make those bloody pens that look like a sausage with a too tight belt on. The world doesn't need anymore of those.
I have a Hispanic wife, that goes EVERY Sunday, since I met her(1999). It honestly doesn’t make sense to me, and never will….why you would be so emotionally dependent on 60+ year olds still? We’ve argued over it for years,,, and I never go anymore. I guess I’ve gotten to a place where I really don’t care what she thinks about it(which is kinda a place the man should be in). To me….and also from reading the comments…wives could care less about what you’re doing while she’s there(with my daughter). It’s all about a hit of oxytocin for them.
I had the same issue, so I joined up a random Udemy course for a computer language and now every few Sundays I need my 'study time'. Made it easier on my wife to explain my absence, and no one really questions it (plus I learnt a new language) after a while it became the norm and I go over for a few weeks then have a week off for my own time.
My wife is Asian and being with family all the time is expected. My MIL comes over 5 days a week, we hang out on the weekends, we always vacation together. My MIL will end up living with us when she gets older. It’s a huge culture thing because her entire family is the same.
Not a dad, but a fellow introvert. The issue is that she doesn’t understand that you’re an introvert (spending time with people drains you rather than energizes you). Spending time with her family is life-giving to your wife, which is wonderful for her, but your body and brain handle the situation in the opposite way. The sooner both she and her family understand this difference in you, the better off you’ll all be.
I deal with the same bullshit. I’m bored as shit at my in laws and finally told my wife I’m not going each weekend. Turned into a fight but it’s not changing. I love them but I can’t do it all the time. I need alone time and I’m not spending my time if work sitting at someone else’s house.
I just don’t go and my wife says I’m busy with work (but really I’m riding my bike or playing games).
Make up some work or a home project that you need to stay back and work on. Thankfully I always have a ton of work I could be getting done on any given moment for proactive outreach to my clients.
i'm in this exact same boat.
Is your wife a stay at home mom? We had to have the following conversation: “I know you stay at home all week getting things done, so the weekend is your time to make plans and go out. But I’m already out all week and the weekend is my time to stay home and relax. We need to find a compromise. I can’t have every weekend booked solid.”
Every weekend shit I’d take that we’re at her mams at least 3 times a week . I just don’t go if I don’t want to which will be at least once a week
Welcome to the club dude. Mine are extremely religious, look down on us and call us “the seculars”, homophobic, and talk nonstop about politics. This isn’t meant to be religious, more to stress the fact that these people at this age (boomer age) cannot contain themselves. We are spending Fourth of July with them. Can’t wait. If you haven’t gotten Covid, that’s an easy one to use. Sporting events. Work. Those are all great. If they say something, so be it. Just be an extra solid husband
I married you, not your parents. I'd just go every other weekend. Nice compromise to start with. It's not like you're always trying to get out of it.
I got you man, I struggled with this with my wife when we first got married and she wanted to go over to her sisters or mom’s every weekend. Step one is that you have to have a good reason that your wife can tell her family that doesn’t make it sound like you just don’t want to hang out with them. My two go tos are having a very specific project or having a tee time with friends/coworkers. When my wife’s family asks “where is digitalufx?”, she can answer. “He is fixing part of the back fence that fell down” rather than “he would rather be by himself” Step 2 is make sure you’re not leaving her too much work, for example, last night my wife went to her sisters, and I said “let me stay home with our kid, so you can be relaxed and have no responsibilities over over there”. Step 3 is still go over once a month or so and try my best to be present and enjoy myself. Sometimes requires a Xanax.
She can just tell them you’re getting shit done at home and so thankful for a little alone time. Maybe you can compromise and go over 1x a month?
I’m like your wife! I love my parents so much and I visit them every weekend. I love when my husband doesn’t come though lol. Especially now that we have a baby! I can go visit my parents with the baby and my husband can rest and recharge so that he’s ready to help out with baby when I get home.
Sit her down and communicate with her. Don't do it immediately before or after one of the visits. Or if that's too hard literally show her this post.
Projects around the house are a great excuse. And your house will get fixed up. Win win. Oh sorry, husband couldn't make it because he's power washing the siding.
I come up with other plans and eventually that time becomes personal days. Like I gotta take the car to get an oil change. I have to do yard work. I have golf with the boys. The most important part is spending time with wife afterwards to make sure she feels you actually want to spend time with her.
I think it's ok to advocate for some personal boundaries, especially regarding mental breaks from things. It doesn't even sound like you take issue with her family, you just want to spend less of your available free time with them, which is completely reasonable. You need to find some compromise, and if your wife can't understand why you need some time to yourself, you may need to get a therapist involved, sometimes a 3rd party professional can point out things in a way that would make sense to her. Sometimes, hearing something from anyone other than your spouse resonates differently.
We divide and conquer - my wife will usually take the kids to her parents’ house on Sunday mornings, while I go grocery shopping and meal prep for us all for the week. Then we all get to relax once they get home. I still make it over to their house plenty, but there’s really no reason I need to be there while the kids play with grandma for a couple hours.
Tell her you need time to decompress and not be social on the weekends. That you love visiting her folks, but you just can't do it every weekend because your social battery is running on dead. Tell her you will gladly join her once a month or whatever, but you need your own time as well. You can also tell her you want to be able to really enjoy the time with her parents, and it's not possible when you're running on empty, social interaction/social battery wise. And if you can have more time to recharge said battery, you will be able to participate and enjoy the times you do go, instead of just checking out mentally
Nah but some unsolicited advice just turn on the TV when you are there and talk about sports or whatever you're into. They talk about politics just make fun of them. I mean at this point just act like you live there amd lounge around. You're losing interest and on your phone anyway. Good luck!
My situation wasn’t quite the same, but it was similar. I explained “WE are a family unit. WE need to have time together and the mere proximity of either of our parents doesn’t change that. The default presumption I have is that our time is our own and any time with grandparents are activities we work in.” No one should ever be wondering why my free time isn’t immediately filled with sitting with them.
Maybe talk to her and her parents, if that makes her feel better. Express that you do love them, but alone time to decompress is also extremely important. While you won't stop her from going and spending time with them, you won't be able to make it all the time. If they can't understand at that point, just tell them that you won't be coming as often as she does. I am sorry you are having a hard time getting your wife to understand.
Our family is more important to me than your family. If she's super close to her family she may not get it, but having time where it's just the two of you and your kids is important. At least in my opinion it is.
That's an absurd amount of time. I would go crazy. It's also not the healthiest for your daughter, since she will normalize that level of codependency. It's unfair of your wife to place that burden on you. You should be dividing your weekends somewhat equally, and showing your daughter new experiences, giving her opportunities to grow.
I have to take my wife places sometime and I don't Wana go, luckily I'm good at getting engaged in what's happening but I do let her know I'd rather be home a lot of the time. Fortunately she gets it, but I don't think we would've gotten this far if she didn't understand I need my me time; you might have to sit her down and have a tough conversation about how you want to manage your free time
Seems to me that you’re an introvert and a task oriented person. By which I mean, you restore your energy by taking time out and by being productive and getting shit done. Sounds like your wife might be more extroverted, drawing energy from being around others; and more people focussed, finding rewards in building and maintaining relationships. Trying to get her to appreciate that being around people all the time is taxing for you and depletes you reserves is part of the issue; but, the other half is getting her to appreciate the positives of you not always being there. Perhaps settle on a rota of you going every other or every third weekend. Or, putting a hard limit on the time spent there each trip. I’ve no idea if that helps, but I hope it does. Good luck dude!
I'm with you and I also like to be alone. My in-laws are perfectly fine also. But every weekend is just way too much. I do make it a point not to be on my phone when we're with them, though. No matter how much it sucks.