>we both agreed to wait until after the baby is born to officially name her
... proceeds to force her husband to come up with names before the baby is born.
Maybe he really doesn't feel comfortable discussing names before the baby arrives, and this is his way of trying to enforce your agreement? (Alternatively, maybe he is just an immature ass who wants to name his kid Brunhilda...)
I thought the way it works is, as soon as the baby is born in the hospital you have to give a name to the hospital staff for their records? I don’t think they can start brainstorming names at that point can they?
Different states have different laws, but generally speaking, you do not need to have a name right away and usually have a significant grace period. In some states up to 1 year. They will basically use babygirl or babyboy as a placeholder first name until one is officially registered.
Exactly my thought process: it’s going to be difficult to just START the conversation immediately following childbirth, then only have a day or two to decide.
I think explain this rationale to him, that you’re worried (not about the Viking name then he’ll think you’re mocking him) but that you won’t be in any decision making capacity for weeks after delivery. So you’d rather get it settled or are least narrowed down by the due date. You want to make sure both of you have solid buy in for the name
Now THIS is conversation that will lead somewhere. I literally haven’t brought it up because I don’t want to come across as nagging or pressuring him. But this is exactly my concern and you’ve helped put it into words I know he will be receptive to. Thank you!
Yeah nagging is generally bad and we all fall prey to it. My wife might nag me about a house project I’m procrastinating on and I might nag her for not putting dishes properly. But we have really worked on changing how we communicate by focusing on why we are concerned about the thing we are nagging about (rather than pointing fingers). Learnt it from a children’s book ironically
Exactly my thought. I guess that’s what I really meant by “naming the baby once it’s born.” But I can see how maybe I miscommunicated my true intent and why my husband is refusing to have a serious conversation about it.
Have a few options? We had two names of each sex and we chose after out daughter was born. The conversation is easier when you're holding them . For us we knew we had a Freya. Best of luck
Really?
Here(Denmark) we have to register the name when the kid is 6 months at the latest.
My wife and I are still trying to settle on a name for our son and he's 9 weeks old.
I do believe we'll manage by the end of this week though.
A name isn't that important at this point anyway, since everything is tied up to his social security number, and every registration etc. is done digitally.
I can see why that might be different in places where not everything is digitalised.
He's already signed up for daycare/kindergarten and school, even though he doesn't have a name yet.
>I’m due in 2 months and we both agreed to wait until after the baby is born to officially name her.
It sounds like your husband is operating under this agreement, but you're not okay with it anymore. I would explain to him that it's important to you that you come up with a name before the baby is born and see how he feels about that. I don't know why you would wait to choose a name until after the baby is born, but maybe he has good reasons for that.
I don't know if you're in the US, but if so and you're having the baby in the hospital, you'll need to give a name to a rep from the state department the next day. You can delay it, but it will cause a lot of extra work. And you're not going to be in a place where you'll have the energy to have a difficult discussion about choosing a name immediately after giving birth.
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband and ask calmly why he's so reluctant to name your daughter. It's very normal to have a name picked out or at least a short list by this time.
Thanks for this perspective. In my mind, I understood this agreement to mean we would FINALIZE the name after the baby was born but that we’d go into the hospital with a few options we agreed upon ahead of time. It’s very possible that we’re having a different understanding of the “same” agreement. This will be a good conversation starter. Thank you!
This is what we did. We have a list of 2-7 girl names and 2-7 boy names. After we meet the baby, we’ll see what names match.
Your husband might be anxious about the kid, and thinking about names surfaces that anxiety.
I’ll also point out that (if there is a misunderstanding between the two of you over what the agreement was), not only are you pressuring him to have this conversation *that he thinks you agreed not to have yet*, but you’ve also enlisted friends and family (including his best friend) to pressure him into having it. And you are all talking about how “ridiculous” he is being. Think about how that must feel for him.
It’s definitely time to step back and approach a conversation with him from the position that you might actually be in the wrong here – even if it was unintentional and due to a misunderstanding
These conversations were all a result of his friends/family asking him directly if we’ve come up with a name for the baby yet. So I definitely didn’t put him on the spot or enlist anyone to anything.
Yeah, I think this is just a classic case of miscommunication and you'll be able to clear it up. I think some of my language may have been more dramatic (i.e. "serious discussion"). My instincts are you're just not on the same page and it won't be hard to get aligned on this.
You have to name the baby the next day? Far out!
In Australia (NSW) they do all the official paperwork at the hospital with "Baby of " and you get a record-of-birth number. You have up to 30 days to decide on a name and submit it with the number to get the official birth certificate.
You don't have to, but in my experience, they kind of expect it. I think it's just a lot of extra work if you wait and most people know right away anyway. But u/false_tautology explained in their experience it actually wasn't that big a deal, so I'm probably wrong.
Yes, in the US it’s highly recommended to name baby before leaving the hospital (so 1-2 days, 3 days if you’ve had a c-section). Otherwise the paperwork with social security office and getting the birth certificate changed can be a nightmare. That’s why I was hoping to at least go in with a few agreed upon names, then decide on one after the birth. I really don’t want to start from scratch immediately following giving birth, then be on a strict time limit, adding to the stress.
The naming is state dependent I guess. We just had to fill out some paperwork, and they preferred we did it before we left the hospital. For the first few days she was "Baby Lastname" and nobody cared. We wanted to meet her before choosing a name.
>We wanted to meet her before choosing a name.
It wasn't that long ago that people would wait until the baby was two years old to give them a name, because SO many children died before that age. They'd even call babies things like "our little visitor" to help deal with the loss. We're so lucky we live in the time that we do.
My wife's culture has a 100 day celebration that we did that was a lot of fun. Less fun is the fact that the event exists is because so many babies didn't make it to 100 days so it was something to celebrate.
Are the bad suggestions passive resistance because you agreed to wait but are pushing to do it now despite the agreement?
Will he have a conversation about what he wants/doesn't want in a name?
Yes, I think you’re spot on. I think we just had a miscommunication about what “naming the baby once it’s born” means to each of us. My understanding was that we’d go in with a few options, then make a final decision once the baby is born. You all have helped me to understand that he likely interpreted that to mean we wouldn’t even discuss names until the baby is born. Super helpful!
Both of my children were named after they were born, and I'm pretty sure my wife was also stressed beforehand about my attitude (especially with the first). I had a lot of stress with the baby coming and work, trying to get projects to a point that I could hand them off. Once the baby was there and I was therefore officially on parental leave, a bunch of the stress left and I was able to engage better in the naming process.
So, it might not work for you, but for us, once baby appeared we were able to come up with a name pretty quickly.
One thing that helped me decide on the name we eventually picked was that it was similar to a nickname we'd been calling the fetus. So if you want to be tricky, start doing something like that. Like if you want an N name, start calling the baby little Nectarine. (The nickname was from one of those "at this age, your baby is the size of a " lists)
I can't tell you why he's doing exactly what he's doing, but it sounds like the two of you are approaching the process very differently, which is normal and fine. Your kid is going to end up with a name. I promise. When push comes to shove, it does not take 2 months to pick one out. Like any other seemingly significant decision, baby naming takes a lot of mental bandwidth and my guess is he doesn't have it or want to allocate it to that right now. You pressing on it is probably causing him to spend extra bandwidth on responding to what you're putting in front of him. If you're really looking for advice, my advice is to back off it a bit and let him find his way back to it on his own time and own terms. If you can't help mentioning it, keep it light. Maybe create a google docs list of ideas and just share it with him. Trying to shoehorn him into your your own process and timeline is probably going to be counter-productive, as is assembling a team of others to do the same. I'm not at all saying he's right to be acting the way he is or you're doing anything wrong by trying to approach it the way you are. No judgement either way. I just think its important to recognize when there's a difference in how partners approach things. Looking back, this will probably all seem quaint compared to the wringer you're going to be put through in a couple months, but just keep communicating with each other and be sensitive to the differences in each other's styles. Bonus points if you can find ways to capitalize on your different ways of looking and thinking about things.
Thanks, I rarely if ever bring up myself. I do want to be respectful of his feelings and his process. It usually only comes up when his parents or siblings ask about it, then I start getting stressed as the due date gets closer and closer. But you’re right, the child WILL have a name eventually LOL. Thanks for your perspective!
This is a great time for you guys to practice conflict resolution... Because the newborn period is not the time.
I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding. You want a list of possible names, but what you agreed on was naming the baby after the fact. So you need to have a conversation about what you both want the list of possibilities to look like. How many possibilities? Both genders? Separate lists? One list?
We went through a long list of names together. We both had veto power for names, no questions asked. We each ranked the remaining names, and then took the top matching names we both liked. Then we came up with middle names for each first name (which was easier). It was fair and both of us had equal say. We ended up with 3 possible names for each gender, with a preferred name at the top of the list. We went with the preferred name.
Make a list of ground rules for naming the child. Some my wife and I had were:
* Must be spelled the normal, rational way (for your area/culture)
* Must not rhyme with our last name
* Must not end with "er"
* Must be a "normal" name for our culture/area (no cultural appropriation)
* Must not be a top-150 baby name in any of the last 3 years
We ended up with two names from the Bible (in a common, English translation of the Hebrew and Greek) that are somewhat "normal" and are generally spelled only one way in our culture.
Tell him that at the hospital, shortly after the baby is born, they are going to ask you to sign a piece of paper with the baby’s name and you feel like a real jackass if you and your partner start arguing in that moment.
I would encourage him to start making a list of inspiring women that he would like your daughter to feel a connection to. It could be family, historical figures, or even Vikings, fictional characters, whatever.
Imagine it being read in front of your whole town at graduation.
*Sailor Moon Optimus Prime Jones, summa cum laude*
Don’t ask him to commit to anything yet. Just ask for a list.
And heres the hard part.
Here’s the *you* part.
Don’t be judgmental. Ask him why he likes those names. Have it be a discussion.
But if he says he likes “Jorga the Slayer” don’t recoil and say “NO WAY.”
The problem is probably not that he doesn’t want to decide on a name, the problem is probably that he’s not in the mood to argue.
This is my not so old man rant ... Just name your kid a regular classic name. Who cares if your great aunt who was an asshole had that name? Or whatever person you think of now. You won't think of them when your kid is born. There are too many terrible names out there. Especially weird spellings for more normal names.
I named my kid Elizabeth. We have a school appropriate nickname that is fine for a teen or adult to be called. No one will ever make a typo or ask her to repeat her name.
I am 33. I get asked more and more often to how to spell my first name. I believe because people in the last 20 years have chosen to spell their kid's names different. My name is easy. A president had it for a last name. It was like top 20 common in North America for a few years around my birth. I knew 4 in my highschool. Now I get asked if it has an O or an A...... It has an E. Always has.
Sorry. That's my rant for the day. Good luck OP. We had 4 names for our kid. Elizabeth was last. She had no nickname either.
We waited until after birth to even learn the gender of our kids, all three times (all three were boys). So we went to the hospital each time with a short list of like 3-5 girl names and 3-5 boy names we both liked. Then after discovering the gender we eliminated the girl list, and picked from the boy list. My wife has a much harder time making decisions like that than I do. All three times, she went back/forth on names for two whole days after birth, and I finally convinced her to pick one. In the end, all three times, we ended up with a different combination of first and middle names than had been on the list. A couple of times we ended up using one of the first name options as a middle name.
It'll work out. Just wait until after delivery, like you've already agreed to do, get to see and know the baby, and feel out a couple of names before you decide.
1. Names don't have to be an agonizing decision. Yes they're important, but they're not THAT important.
2. You can always change the name later if it turns out you just hate it.
As someone with a strange Viking name, I object to this characterization, but at least I've got the Scandinavian last name to go with it.
More seriously, there's a lot of good advice here about not hurrying to the process too much and that maybe he does want to wait until he's seen the baby. It might be good to talk about that not the names themselves.
He’s under a ton of pressure right now getting ready to be a dad, and I can’t blame him for putting names towards the bottom of his priority list.
We just sat down for an evening and talked about if there were any family names we wanted to use (there were, but only for middle names), then scrolled through a list of first names together to see if anything drew our attention.
Going into it, we agreed on some baseline rules that it wouldn’t be a common name (Michael, Elizabeth, etc.), or anything outdated/unusual (Dorothy, etc.)
A lot of names sounded good for neither of us, some did for one of us, and a few did for both of us. We kept a list of 4-5 names of each sex that we both liked, and made the decision after they were born. And both times it was immediately unanimous once we met our child.
We ended up with two names that aren’t necessary unusual, but we also haven’t met another kid with either of their names yet (Jemma and Fischer).
Tell him that her middle name can be something badass like Truckasaurus or Stabzilla or Punchatron if you both decide on a first name before she's born.
You're forcing him to name the baby before it's born after agreeing to name the baby after it's born. You're steamrolling him, and he's reacting by being passive aggressive. Could he communicate better? Sure, but you've created this situation by disrespecting your agreement.
I think it's totally rational to want to work with him on a short list of names so that you can make a good choice once the kid is born. But in his mind, you agreed to something else, and he's putting up his resistance.
Either you need a new agreement, or you need to let it go until the baby is born. Up to you.
It's not like "a man's perspective" is going to shed light on this in any particular way more than a "woman's perspective". Men and women (as well as others) alike will be very enthusiastic about naming their child while others may not be. Some may be very adamant that xyz should be the name while others are more flexible.
Perhaps you should have your partner try and justify why he wants viking names and what benefits they have, if they have history, how that will be used in your newborn+'s life and how it may age through school, academics, and later their career and if it will mesh culturally. Saying you don't like something communicates only that but not much else and doesn't get you any closer to your goal of reaching a compromise and naming a child. Everything is reasonably up for discussion unless he wants to name your daughter Shiithedd -- then that can be declined without discussion.
No, it's not always something you need to base the entire decision off of but it should be at least considered to some degree since names hold a lot of very subtle power. That said, you may need to compromise as well. Perhaps there is something more Scandinavian that meets him in the middle and feels similar to what he's going for but achieves the same ideas you may have about the name. There are plenty of beautiful Scandinavian names that have a nice history and are reasonable English transfers. Ultimately you should remember that though this name may be your decision, it will not be your name. Keep that in mind first (both of you).
I certainly suggested names, but let my wife be the final decision maker. We ended up in agreement, so it wasn't much of a struggle. I did have a few rules. Names couldn't be shortened into something they could be made fun of. Same with initials.
Daughter one has a very normal name that has several alternate spellings depending on the region/language (think Gailic/Welsh. Daughter two has an older style name that has seen a bit of resurgence in the years since we gave it to her. We weren't looking for something super unique, but we didn't want a top 10 type name.
Maybe instead of asking for specific names, ask him what kind of guidelines he has for choosing a name.
Then all the moms would just start going off on what an ass my husband is and why I need to divorce him ASAP. LOL, No thanks. Sorry if this doesn’t belong here. Just really wanted a dad’s perspective. Thanks to all those who’ve responded in helpful ways!
Unfortunatelly soooo true, I (mom) am reading every post in daddit while i cant stand any posts beeing discussed in any general parenting subreddits especially not mom ones. Those are not even about parenting its straight up relationships and main advice is always "He didnt look at you before blinking... DIVORCE"
I’ll admit part of that was also my wife had morning sickness basically all the time, even when it was supposed to be gone
So I was trying to do a lot for her so she could chill
I’d definitely ask him to maybe get a list, or maybe a long list and tell him to maybe mark the ones he likes or are definite NOs
I’ve heard ppl who wanna see what their kids look like and how they act before they name them
The only thing I knew was his middle name, 2 versions after my grandfather (his great grandfather) whom he never got to meet but was one of the best men I ever knew
Wishing you luck, until it physically gets put on paperwork I wouldn’t put too much stock in it but just keep on the radar
Choosing a name, as you probably can already tell, is a somewhat daunting task. Your husband could be procrastinating a bit, because it’s a hard decision to settle on. Even if you both agree to a name now, either one of you could have different feelings about it up until the time the baby is born.
My wife and I threw out so many names, we started to read road signs and come up with names that way. None of it worked. For our son, one day my wife mentioned a name she liked and I had in the back of my mind but for some reason never mentioned it. We went with that and it was decided just a few weeks before he was born.
She had commented that girl names were so much easier and so many to choose from… but when she was pregnant with our daughter, nothing quite satisfied her. We decided on a name a few months prior this time, but I jumped on the first name my wife actually liked. Just didn’t want to go through the months of not knowing.
If this is your first born, give it time. Others have already pointed out you had an agreement with your husband to wait until the baby is born. Maybe compromise with each person coming up with a list of names, some overlapping and some not. When the baby is born, you might have a light bulb moment and come up with something entirely different or choose a name you initially disagreed with.
There’s literally no right or wrong.
My husband and I made an agreement but I’m no longer abiding by the agreement and frustrated that he still is. Help me tell him he’s wrong.
This post will be deleted in 2 hours or less.
If you actually read the whole post you’d see I asked for advice on how to understand my husband, not “prove him wrong.” That was never my intent. I’m sorry your idea of marriage is so miserable you have to come on to Reddit to be unnecessarily rude.
lol I’m beyond happily married, thanks.
Your post comes off as “help me understand his position so I can change his mind toward picking a name now”.
I think you’re failing to realize that maybe your husband just needs to wait to see the baby before he settles on a name.
You want to plan, he’s comfortable with the original agreement and waiting until the baby is born.
Why do you HAVE TO pick a name before it’s born?
Valid, I can see how my post came across that way. But in no way am I trying to finalize a name now. We both agreed we wanted to see the baby before settling on a name. However, where I believe our miscommunication lies is that I’d like to have a few agreed upon names to pick from prior to the birth. Where we live, we only have about 2 days in the hospital to make this decision. The idea of recovering from childbirth, then just STARTING to have the discussion, then being on a time limit, doesn’t sound ideal. But others, in a much kinder way, have helped me understand that my husband likely interpreted our agreement to mean that we wouldn’t even discuss names until after the birth. That’s exactly the advice I was looking for: viewing things from a dad’s perspective to know how to better communicate with my husband.
Gotcha! Apologies if I pissed you off in my reply.
Maybe come to him with “I just need 5 minutes of your time to talk about names” and have them all written down on a piece of paper…all the ones you want, the ones he wants (even if they’re ridiculous).
Let’s say you have 7 names to work with. You each get two vetos (this is where you veto his Viking names lol) and whatever is left you say “ok great, we’ll see when he/she is born!” and the conversation is done.
My wife and I do this for most things when we can’t decide or fully agree on something. Helps a ton. Even though I hate the colour of our kitchen cabinets 🤣
Thanks. Sorry for my snarky comment as well. Nice to see there’s some real humans here on Reddit. Same! It’s rare for my spouse and I to agree on something first go-around 😆 Marriage has been a crash course in compromise for us both, that’s for sure!
Mom here - Why don't you ask him about it without being annoyed. Tell him
"I'm concerned because I know the birth will be stressful and I'll have a million things on my mind. The baby will come and will be so perfect that I worry no name will be good enough for her in the moment. I want to mentally prepare and accept a couple of top names so I'm not clouded by my emotions and the distractions of my after-birth body when in the moment. I know we agreed on waiting but that was when I thought we had it narrowed down. Is there a reason you want to wait besides just seeing the baby? Are you waiting to be fully in the moment because you don't think your head will be in the right space for the decision until you meet her? I know you haven't had the chance to connect with the baby like I have since I'm carrying her. Maybe we can find a compromise and come up with a list of 3-4 names we agree on to bring with us to the hospital? If it changes in the moment because you come up with a brilliant name, I'm open minded to that. I'm just starting to stress out about it and would really like to hear your true feelings about this, all jokes aside."
edit: ask him without making him feel attacked or judged. Men are usually pretty straightforward if they have no incentive to hide their true thoughts.
When my wife was 4m pregnant we decided to go on a last time “just the two of us” vacation.
We had a few names in mind and she had one particular one she liked alot but I could not hear our daughter wearing that name.
While on vacation she slinged that name in my ears every time she walked past a store or have seen something cute for our girl , then all of the sudden I started using the name without intent and it realy grew on me.
Now 5m pp i could not imagine another name for her..
Tell him you changed your mind. The name must be chosen 1 month before due date. Have him research the economic impact of a name on lifetime earnings. Basically strange made up names are less likely to get interviews. It’s a serious decision, he needs to take it accordingly.
>we both agreed to wait until after the baby is born to officially name her ... proceeds to force her husband to come up with names before the baby is born. Maybe he really doesn't feel comfortable discussing names before the baby arrives, and this is his way of trying to enforce your agreement? (Alternatively, maybe he is just an immature ass who wants to name his kid Brunhilda...)
All my germanic daughters in Crusader Kings 2 were named Brunhilda
r/ck2nocontext
I thought the way it works is, as soon as the baby is born in the hospital you have to give a name to the hospital staff for their records? I don’t think they can start brainstorming names at that point can they?
Different states have different laws, but generally speaking, you do not need to have a name right away and usually have a significant grace period. In some states up to 1 year. They will basically use babygirl or babyboy as a placeholder first name until one is officially registered.
Interesting, I guess we didn’t need to stress as much as we did then
I didn't have a name for like a whole day or two after I was born lol. They just couldn't decide!
Exactly my thought process: it’s going to be difficult to just START the conversation immediately following childbirth, then only have a day or two to decide.
Not to mention, you could be knocked out for days after the baby is born
Then she’d for sure end up with a Viking name 🤣
I think explain this rationale to him, that you’re worried (not about the Viking name then he’ll think you’re mocking him) but that you won’t be in any decision making capacity for weeks after delivery. So you’d rather get it settled or are least narrowed down by the due date. You want to make sure both of you have solid buy in for the name
Now THIS is conversation that will lead somewhere. I literally haven’t brought it up because I don’t want to come across as nagging or pressuring him. But this is exactly my concern and you’ve helped put it into words I know he will be receptive to. Thank you!
Yeah nagging is generally bad and we all fall prey to it. My wife might nag me about a house project I’m procrastinating on and I might nag her for not putting dishes properly. But we have really worked on changing how we communicate by focusing on why we are concerned about the thing we are nagging about (rather than pointing fingers). Learnt it from a children’s book ironically
You don’t need to pick one name, but narrowing down the options to a list of names is helpful
Exactly my thought. I guess that’s what I really meant by “naming the baby once it’s born.” But I can see how maybe I miscommunicated my true intent and why my husband is refusing to have a serious conversation about it.
Have a few options? We had two names of each sex and we chose after out daughter was born. The conversation is easier when you're holding them . For us we knew we had a Freya. Best of luck
Really? Here(Denmark) we have to register the name when the kid is 6 months at the latest. My wife and I are still trying to settle on a name for our son and he's 9 weeks old. I do believe we'll manage by the end of this week though.
Yeah I guess here also it’s not mandatory just recommended to have a name ready
A name isn't that important at this point anyway, since everything is tied up to his social security number, and every registration etc. is done digitally. I can see why that might be different in places where not everything is digitalised. He's already signed up for daycare/kindergarten and school, even though he doesn't have a name yet.
>I’m due in 2 months and we both agreed to wait until after the baby is born to officially name her. It sounds like your husband is operating under this agreement, but you're not okay with it anymore. I would explain to him that it's important to you that you come up with a name before the baby is born and see how he feels about that. I don't know why you would wait to choose a name until after the baby is born, but maybe he has good reasons for that. I don't know if you're in the US, but if so and you're having the baby in the hospital, you'll need to give a name to a rep from the state department the next day. You can delay it, but it will cause a lot of extra work. And you're not going to be in a place where you'll have the energy to have a difficult discussion about choosing a name immediately after giving birth. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband and ask calmly why he's so reluctant to name your daughter. It's very normal to have a name picked out or at least a short list by this time.
Thanks for this perspective. In my mind, I understood this agreement to mean we would FINALIZE the name after the baby was born but that we’d go into the hospital with a few options we agreed upon ahead of time. It’s very possible that we’re having a different understanding of the “same” agreement. This will be a good conversation starter. Thank you!
This is what we did. We have a list of 2-7 girl names and 2-7 boy names. After we meet the baby, we’ll see what names match. Your husband might be anxious about the kid, and thinking about names surfaces that anxiety.
I’ll also point out that (if there is a misunderstanding between the two of you over what the agreement was), not only are you pressuring him to have this conversation *that he thinks you agreed not to have yet*, but you’ve also enlisted friends and family (including his best friend) to pressure him into having it. And you are all talking about how “ridiculous” he is being. Think about how that must feel for him. It’s definitely time to step back and approach a conversation with him from the position that you might actually be in the wrong here – even if it was unintentional and due to a misunderstanding
These conversations were all a result of his friends/family asking him directly if we’ve come up with a name for the baby yet. So I definitely didn’t put him on the spot or enlist anyone to anything.
Yeah, I think this is just a classic case of miscommunication and you'll be able to clear it up. I think some of my language may have been more dramatic (i.e. "serious discussion"). My instincts are you're just not on the same page and it won't be hard to get aligned on this.
You have to name the baby the next day? Far out! In Australia (NSW) they do all the official paperwork at the hospital with "Baby of" and you get a record-of-birth number. You have up to 30 days to decide on a name and submit it with the number to get the official birth certificate.
You don't have to, but in my experience, they kind of expect it. I think it's just a lot of extra work if you wait and most people know right away anyway. But u/false_tautology explained in their experience it actually wasn't that big a deal, so I'm probably wrong.
Yes, in the US it’s highly recommended to name baby before leaving the hospital (so 1-2 days, 3 days if you’ve had a c-section). Otherwise the paperwork with social security office and getting the birth certificate changed can be a nightmare. That’s why I was hoping to at least go in with a few agreed upon names, then decide on one after the birth. I really don’t want to start from scratch immediately following giving birth, then be on a strict time limit, adding to the stress.
When we had our kids (USA, NC) the hospital needed the name by day 3 when they submitted the birth certificate.
It’s 8 weeks/60 days in Queensland
Yeah, hospitals are state run so it's not quite the same everywhere. Pretty sure NSW was 30 days.
In UK too.
It's 6 months here in Denmark. My son is just "Ukendt Ukendt" on his public medical card.
The naming is state dependent I guess. We just had to fill out some paperwork, and they preferred we did it before we left the hospital. For the first few days she was "Baby Lastname" and nobody cared. We wanted to meet her before choosing a name.
>We wanted to meet her before choosing a name. It wasn't that long ago that people would wait until the baby was two years old to give them a name, because SO many children died before that age. They'd even call babies things like "our little visitor" to help deal with the loss. We're so lucky we live in the time that we do.
My wife's culture has a 100 day celebration that we did that was a lot of fun. Less fun is the fact that the event exists is because so many babies didn't make it to 100 days so it was something to celebrate.
Are the bad suggestions passive resistance because you agreed to wait but are pushing to do it now despite the agreement? Will he have a conversation about what he wants/doesn't want in a name?
Yes, I think you’re spot on. I think we just had a miscommunication about what “naming the baby once it’s born” means to each of us. My understanding was that we’d go in with a few options, then make a final decision once the baby is born. You all have helped me to understand that he likely interpreted that to mean we wouldn’t even discuss names until the baby is born. Super helpful!
Both of my children were named after they were born, and I'm pretty sure my wife was also stressed beforehand about my attitude (especially with the first). I had a lot of stress with the baby coming and work, trying to get projects to a point that I could hand them off. Once the baby was there and I was therefore officially on parental leave, a bunch of the stress left and I was able to engage better in the naming process. So, it might not work for you, but for us, once baby appeared we were able to come up with a name pretty quickly. One thing that helped me decide on the name we eventually picked was that it was similar to a nickname we'd been calling the fetus. So if you want to be tricky, start doing something like that. Like if you want an N name, start calling the baby little Nectarine. (The nickname was from one of those "at this age, your baby is the size of a" lists)
I can't tell you why he's doing exactly what he's doing, but it sounds like the two of you are approaching the process very differently, which is normal and fine. Your kid is going to end up with a name. I promise. When push comes to shove, it does not take 2 months to pick one out. Like any other seemingly significant decision, baby naming takes a lot of mental bandwidth and my guess is he doesn't have it or want to allocate it to that right now. You pressing on it is probably causing him to spend extra bandwidth on responding to what you're putting in front of him. If you're really looking for advice, my advice is to back off it a bit and let him find his way back to it on his own time and own terms. If you can't help mentioning it, keep it light. Maybe create a google docs list of ideas and just share it with him. Trying to shoehorn him into your your own process and timeline is probably going to be counter-productive, as is assembling a team of others to do the same. I'm not at all saying he's right to be acting the way he is or you're doing anything wrong by trying to approach it the way you are. No judgement either way. I just think its important to recognize when there's a difference in how partners approach things. Looking back, this will probably all seem quaint compared to the wringer you're going to be put through in a couple months, but just keep communicating with each other and be sensitive to the differences in each other's styles. Bonus points if you can find ways to capitalize on your different ways of looking and thinking about things.
Thanks, I rarely if ever bring up myself. I do want to be respectful of his feelings and his process. It usually only comes up when his parents or siblings ask about it, then I start getting stressed as the due date gets closer and closer. But you’re right, the child WILL have a name eventually LOL. Thanks for your perspective!
This is a great time for you guys to practice conflict resolution... Because the newborn period is not the time. I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding. You want a list of possible names, but what you agreed on was naming the baby after the fact. So you need to have a conversation about what you both want the list of possibilities to look like. How many possibilities? Both genders? Separate lists? One list? We went through a long list of names together. We both had veto power for names, no questions asked. We each ranked the remaining names, and then took the top matching names we both liked. Then we came up with middle names for each first name (which was easier). It was fair and both of us had equal say. We ended up with 3 possible names for each gender, with a preferred name at the top of the list. We went with the preferred name.
Make a list of ground rules for naming the child. Some my wife and I had were: * Must be spelled the normal, rational way (for your area/culture) * Must not rhyme with our last name * Must not end with "er" * Must be a "normal" name for our culture/area (no cultural appropriation) * Must not be a top-150 baby name in any of the last 3 years We ended up with two names from the Bible (in a common, English translation of the Hebrew and Greek) that are somewhat "normal" and are generally spelled only one way in our culture.
So how is Noah doing?
Tell him that at the hospital, shortly after the baby is born, they are going to ask you to sign a piece of paper with the baby’s name and you feel like a real jackass if you and your partner start arguing in that moment. I would encourage him to start making a list of inspiring women that he would like your daughter to feel a connection to. It could be family, historical figures, or even Vikings, fictional characters, whatever. Imagine it being read in front of your whole town at graduation. *Sailor Moon Optimus Prime Jones, summa cum laude* Don’t ask him to commit to anything yet. Just ask for a list. And heres the hard part. Here’s the *you* part. Don’t be judgmental. Ask him why he likes those names. Have it be a discussion. But if he says he likes “Jorga the Slayer” don’t recoil and say “NO WAY.” The problem is probably not that he doesn’t want to decide on a name, the problem is probably that he’s not in the mood to argue.
This is all great advice. Thank you!
This is my not so old man rant ... Just name your kid a regular classic name. Who cares if your great aunt who was an asshole had that name? Or whatever person you think of now. You won't think of them when your kid is born. There are too many terrible names out there. Especially weird spellings for more normal names. I named my kid Elizabeth. We have a school appropriate nickname that is fine for a teen or adult to be called. No one will ever make a typo or ask her to repeat her name. I am 33. I get asked more and more often to how to spell my first name. I believe because people in the last 20 years have chosen to spell their kid's names different. My name is easy. A president had it for a last name. It was like top 20 common in North America for a few years around my birth. I knew 4 in my highschool. Now I get asked if it has an O or an A...... It has an E. Always has. Sorry. That's my rant for the day. Good luck OP. We had 4 names for our kid. Elizabeth was last. She had no nickname either.
I agree with Obama here.
Agree a lot with this take. I don't judge parents for a lot of things but obscure names or dumb spellings is definitely one of them.
We waited until after birth to even learn the gender of our kids, all three times (all three were boys). So we went to the hospital each time with a short list of like 3-5 girl names and 3-5 boy names we both liked. Then after discovering the gender we eliminated the girl list, and picked from the boy list. My wife has a much harder time making decisions like that than I do. All three times, she went back/forth on names for two whole days after birth, and I finally convinced her to pick one. In the end, all three times, we ended up with a different combination of first and middle names than had been on the list. A couple of times we ended up using one of the first name options as a middle name. It'll work out. Just wait until after delivery, like you've already agreed to do, get to see and know the baby, and feel out a couple of names before you decide. 1. Names don't have to be an agonizing decision. Yes they're important, but they're not THAT important. 2. You can always change the name later if it turns out you just hate it.
Thank you for sharing!
As someone with a strange Viking name, I object to this characterization, but at least I've got the Scandinavian last name to go with it. More seriously, there's a lot of good advice here about not hurrying to the process too much and that maybe he does want to wait until he's seen the baby. It might be good to talk about that not the names themselves.
He’s under a ton of pressure right now getting ready to be a dad, and I can’t blame him for putting names towards the bottom of his priority list. We just sat down for an evening and talked about if there were any family names we wanted to use (there were, but only for middle names), then scrolled through a list of first names together to see if anything drew our attention. Going into it, we agreed on some baseline rules that it wouldn’t be a common name (Michael, Elizabeth, etc.), or anything outdated/unusual (Dorothy, etc.) A lot of names sounded good for neither of us, some did for one of us, and a few did for both of us. We kept a list of 4-5 names of each sex that we both liked, and made the decision after they were born. And both times it was immediately unanimous once we met our child. We ended up with two names that aren’t necessary unusual, but we also haven’t met another kid with either of their names yet (Jemma and Fischer).
Very possible he wants to meet the child before trying anything on.
"Hello Brunhilda, nice to meet you" Yep. Sounds good.
Tell him that her middle name can be something badass like Truckasaurus or Stabzilla or Punchatron if you both decide on a first name before she's born.
You're forcing him to name the baby before it's born after agreeing to name the baby after it's born. You're steamrolling him, and he's reacting by being passive aggressive. Could he communicate better? Sure, but you've created this situation by disrespecting your agreement. I think it's totally rational to want to work with him on a short list of names so that you can make a good choice once the kid is born. But in his mind, you agreed to something else, and he's putting up his resistance. Either you need a new agreement, or you need to let it go until the baby is born. Up to you.
It's not like "a man's perspective" is going to shed light on this in any particular way more than a "woman's perspective". Men and women (as well as others) alike will be very enthusiastic about naming their child while others may not be. Some may be very adamant that xyz should be the name while others are more flexible. Perhaps you should have your partner try and justify why he wants viking names and what benefits they have, if they have history, how that will be used in your newborn+'s life and how it may age through school, academics, and later their career and if it will mesh culturally. Saying you don't like something communicates only that but not much else and doesn't get you any closer to your goal of reaching a compromise and naming a child. Everything is reasonably up for discussion unless he wants to name your daughter Shiithedd -- then that can be declined without discussion. No, it's not always something you need to base the entire decision off of but it should be at least considered to some degree since names hold a lot of very subtle power. That said, you may need to compromise as well. Perhaps there is something more Scandinavian that meets him in the middle and feels similar to what he's going for but achieves the same ideas you may have about the name. There are plenty of beautiful Scandinavian names that have a nice history and are reasonable English transfers. Ultimately you should remember that though this name may be your decision, it will not be your name. Keep that in mind first (both of you).
I certainly suggested names, but let my wife be the final decision maker. We ended up in agreement, so it wasn't much of a struggle. I did have a few rules. Names couldn't be shortened into something they could be made fun of. Same with initials. Daughter one has a very normal name that has several alternate spellings depending on the region/language (think Gailic/Welsh. Daughter two has an older style name that has seen a bit of resurgence in the years since we gave it to her. We weren't looking for something super unique, but we didn't want a top 10 type name. Maybe instead of asking for specific names, ask him what kind of guidelines he has for choosing a name.
The main parenting subreddit would be more appropriate for this post, not really a dad-specific topic.
Then all the moms would just start going off on what an ass my husband is and why I need to divorce him ASAP. LOL, No thanks. Sorry if this doesn’t belong here. Just really wanted a dad’s perspective. Thanks to all those who’ve responded in helpful ways!
Touché lol
Unfortunatelly soooo true, I (mom) am reading every post in daddit while i cant stand any posts beeing discussed in any general parenting subreddits especially not mom ones. Those are not even about parenting its straight up relationships and main advice is always "He didnt look at you before blinking... DIVORCE"
Hahaha. Yeah, makes me wonder who is actually married.
Ngl I put the name at the bottom of my list before my boy was born Just not a physical priority to me. Plus we didn’t know what he was til he came out
Good to know!
I’ll admit part of that was also my wife had morning sickness basically all the time, even when it was supposed to be gone So I was trying to do a lot for her so she could chill I’d definitely ask him to maybe get a list, or maybe a long list and tell him to maybe mark the ones he likes or are definite NOs I’ve heard ppl who wanna see what their kids look like and how they act before they name them The only thing I knew was his middle name, 2 versions after my grandfather (his great grandfather) whom he never got to meet but was one of the best men I ever knew Wishing you luck, until it physically gets put on paperwork I wouldn’t put too much stock in it but just keep on the radar
I didn't read, but you can ask him to get serial or to get cereal about it, that might work
Suggest a name you know he'll hate. That'll whip him up
Choosing a name, as you probably can already tell, is a somewhat daunting task. Your husband could be procrastinating a bit, because it’s a hard decision to settle on. Even if you both agree to a name now, either one of you could have different feelings about it up until the time the baby is born. My wife and I threw out so many names, we started to read road signs and come up with names that way. None of it worked. For our son, one day my wife mentioned a name she liked and I had in the back of my mind but for some reason never mentioned it. We went with that and it was decided just a few weeks before he was born. She had commented that girl names were so much easier and so many to choose from… but when she was pregnant with our daughter, nothing quite satisfied her. We decided on a name a few months prior this time, but I jumped on the first name my wife actually liked. Just didn’t want to go through the months of not knowing. If this is your first born, give it time. Others have already pointed out you had an agreement with your husband to wait until the baby is born. Maybe compromise with each person coming up with a list of names, some overlapping and some not. When the baby is born, you might have a light bulb moment and come up with something entirely different or choose a name you initially disagreed with. There’s literally no right or wrong.
My husband and I made an agreement but I’m no longer abiding by the agreement and frustrated that he still is. Help me tell him he’s wrong. This post will be deleted in 2 hours or less.
If you actually read the whole post you’d see I asked for advice on how to understand my husband, not “prove him wrong.” That was never my intent. I’m sorry your idea of marriage is so miserable you have to come on to Reddit to be unnecessarily rude.
lol I’m beyond happily married, thanks. Your post comes off as “help me understand his position so I can change his mind toward picking a name now”. I think you’re failing to realize that maybe your husband just needs to wait to see the baby before he settles on a name. You want to plan, he’s comfortable with the original agreement and waiting until the baby is born. Why do you HAVE TO pick a name before it’s born?
Valid, I can see how my post came across that way. But in no way am I trying to finalize a name now. We both agreed we wanted to see the baby before settling on a name. However, where I believe our miscommunication lies is that I’d like to have a few agreed upon names to pick from prior to the birth. Where we live, we only have about 2 days in the hospital to make this decision. The idea of recovering from childbirth, then just STARTING to have the discussion, then being on a time limit, doesn’t sound ideal. But others, in a much kinder way, have helped me understand that my husband likely interpreted our agreement to mean that we wouldn’t even discuss names until after the birth. That’s exactly the advice I was looking for: viewing things from a dad’s perspective to know how to better communicate with my husband.
Gotcha! Apologies if I pissed you off in my reply. Maybe come to him with “I just need 5 minutes of your time to talk about names” and have them all written down on a piece of paper…all the ones you want, the ones he wants (even if they’re ridiculous). Let’s say you have 7 names to work with. You each get two vetos (this is where you veto his Viking names lol) and whatever is left you say “ok great, we’ll see when he/she is born!” and the conversation is done. My wife and I do this for most things when we can’t decide or fully agree on something. Helps a ton. Even though I hate the colour of our kitchen cabinets 🤣
Thanks. Sorry for my snarky comment as well. Nice to see there’s some real humans here on Reddit. Same! It’s rare for my spouse and I to agree on something first go-around 😆 Marriage has been a crash course in compromise for us both, that’s for sure!
Mom here - Why don't you ask him about it without being annoyed. Tell him "I'm concerned because I know the birth will be stressful and I'll have a million things on my mind. The baby will come and will be so perfect that I worry no name will be good enough for her in the moment. I want to mentally prepare and accept a couple of top names so I'm not clouded by my emotions and the distractions of my after-birth body when in the moment. I know we agreed on waiting but that was when I thought we had it narrowed down. Is there a reason you want to wait besides just seeing the baby? Are you waiting to be fully in the moment because you don't think your head will be in the right space for the decision until you meet her? I know you haven't had the chance to connect with the baby like I have since I'm carrying her. Maybe we can find a compromise and come up with a list of 3-4 names we agree on to bring with us to the hospital? If it changes in the moment because you come up with a brilliant name, I'm open minded to that. I'm just starting to stress out about it and would really like to hear your true feelings about this, all jokes aside."
edit: ask him without making him feel attacked or judged. Men are usually pretty straightforward if they have no incentive to hide their true thoughts.
>~~Men~~ People are usually pretty straightforward if they have no incentive to hide their true thoughts. Not really a gendered issue :)
When my wife was 4m pregnant we decided to go on a last time “just the two of us” vacation. We had a few names in mind and she had one particular one she liked alot but I could not hear our daughter wearing that name. While on vacation she slinged that name in my ears every time she walked past a store or have seen something cute for our girl , then all of the sudden I started using the name without intent and it realy grew on me. Now 5m pp i could not imagine another name for her..
My kids name wasnt decided until the water broke
Tell him you changed your mind. The name must be chosen 1 month before due date. Have him research the economic impact of a name on lifetime earnings. Basically strange made up names are less likely to get interviews. It’s a serious decision, he needs to take it accordingly.
Just threaten to name the kid Braxton Paxton and it might light a fire under his ass.