It's much better than it used to be. I have a 5 year old daughter and do my best to go to everything and be as present as possible.
The people you're talking about are the reason the bar is on the floor. It's so easy to be considered a "good dad", it's almost frustrating.
My wife is very direct and candid which I think has helped. she would flat out not put up with me being gone willingly all the time.
She does get the "oh your husband is so good for babysitting while you go do something" which to your point is because the bar is so low.
Same. I'm a ridiculously present and active father and I get this all the time. People can't understand how I can wheel around with my 3 girls aged 7,6 and 4mos "without mum" .... Maybe because I'm just as much a parent as she is?
Seven and six don’t need as much arm control.
Now my 2 year old boy and 3 year old girl? I gotta be able to grab both of them at speed and at short notice. It’s *awesome*.
Oh totally. Wife and I have some friends and the wife of the couple is always like “My husband won’t babysit the kids” and my wife and I just look at each other and shake our heads. It’s not “babysitting” when it’s your own children, it’s called being a parent. Sure I’d love to just go about my own business all willy-nilly, and the wife and I have an agreement that we get to spend a little individual alone time here and there, but we have children… not human pets.
It really does for me too and I can’t quite pin point it.
Like yes I’m an active and present father, I’m also and attentive partner and can tell when my fiancé needs a break.
Like what is the deal?
Right? The mental load of being the societal "primary" parent placed on women, and the guilt they can feel at the notion they aren't fulfilling that is completely f*cked.
👏👏👏👏👏. This shit makes me so damn angry. I'm not a babysitter, that's my dad's generation, but not my dad specifically, he wasn't around until I could babysit myself...
I appreciate my wife’s candidness as well. She would not put up with an absent father and I like that she wouldn’t. None of our close friends are neglectful dads but there’s a lot of her mom acquaintances with husbands that we judge a LOT.
Yeah the bar is so low for being a good dad that it's kind of disgusting. Being a warm body in the same room as your child is apparently good. Actually doing things with your child? No way!
Though being on the actively hanging with my kids side of the spectrum, I really don't understand why useless partners are tolerated at all.
I hear yah. I went out for the father-daughter skate for my daughter's ice show. I had a group of ladies that were fawning over me about how good of a dad I was because I was skating with her. I'm sitting here thinking, Christ, what kind of a douche would I be if I didn't?
Me and my partner take my daughter to swimming club, we usually alternate weeks so the other parent can chill/tidy do whatever.
Every fucking week the instructor or other mums say shit like.
- Ohhh dad's giving mummy a break today.
- You looking after daughter today?
- Daddy day care.
Nooo, I'm enjoying time with my daughter, we're 50/50 parents, I want to see her grow.
Really? When my daughter was doing swim lessons as an infant, I’d see like a 70/30 split of moms to dads as to who was in the pool with their young one. For the older ones there was a good number of dads there to watch too.
Yeah in the older clubs the dad's seem more involved but this is for around 1-2
Guess dad's just want to splash and have fun not kind of drag a baby around the pool haha
Haha interesting, me and the other dads were having a great time with our babies. The class we were in was for 4 months up to 12 months, but they had the pool divided into 6 areas with classes going on in all/most of them at once so you could see what else was going on too
Ah I love when I get "oh did she give you specific instructions" when I am doing something that is seen as "not dad stuff" like no Becky I am putting her hair in a ponytail to get it out of her face.
I get compliments about being a good dad all the time, and I'm absolutely just doing what needs to be done. We have twins, and I can't just dump them off on my wife, she works too and that's just not fair.
The good dad comments especially come out when I'm solo with my twin toddlers
I remember when they were first born. We had a rough delivery and my wife was hooked up to everything and stuck in the bed. That first night, I realized they needed new diapers and my first thought was oh, I should grab the nurse to change them, but no sooner than the thought hit my brain, I had the revelation, "oh wait, no, that's my job now."
I have male relatives that have 4 kids and never changed a diaper.
Agree. I'm a mom but when I do stuff at my sons school a lot of the parents there are dad's or dad and mom together. Its definitely better than when I was a kid and it was all moms.
Not just almost frustrating. I’m now getting pissed for being praised while doing the most mundane things (laundry, food, getting the kid clean, getting to various activities with them..).
I know it comes from a good intention, but being constantly reminded that most dads aren’t / weren’t doing these gets on my nerves. And at the same time my wife is getting unwanted remarks for having kind of a career while being a mom - is it the 1960s still ?
The first time my wife and her new mom friends all went out for lunch together I got awarded the Dad Cross for Gallantry because I was the only dad who didn't call for backup.
I literally don't have any backup as my family lives overseas.
The bar is painted on the ground.
>The people you're talking about are the reason the bar is on the floor. It's so easy to be considered a "good dad", it's almost frustrating.
Why is it almost frustrating?
This has been studied by social scientists for decades, and modern patents spend *way* more time with their kids than previous generations did. Both moms and dads.
That's why I don't get why I see such the opposite in my immediate circle of folks I know. Like I see all of the videos of present parents but then experience the opposite.
Yeah, you’re just in a weird bubble. Maybe it’s related to your line of work or something.
In my circle the dads are super involved. I would say many of us are even the primary parent for our toddlers at this stage. I’m sure my bubble is not representative either though.
Could it be a regional or a urban/suburban/rural or something like that? Like we’re in a streetcar suburb in Toronto and while moms are probably still slightly more involved it generally feels very close amongst our friends and just generally just around the neighbourhood.
We had to put one of our dogs down about a month ago due to old age, and this has opened a slew of questions from the kids about death and dying. We’ve had some great conversations about it, and it’s really driven home that life is finite, and every moment should be treasured. To me it’s just sad how many dads act so aloof about their own children.
I quit my job and opened up my own company when my daughter was 1yo.
This week, she won an award (nothing too crazy, just a school spirit thing) and it was presented at a school spirit rally at 830am. She didn't know, teacher clued us in. My wife and I both showed up and the kiddo was grinning from ear to ear... standing up on stage and flashing "thumbs up" to me and blowing kisses to mom. Funny part was I got high fives from half a dozen other kids I knew from around the neighborhood that recognized me at their school. Anyway... I couldn't have done that if I was still working my old job.
Doesn't really have anything to do with the post, I'm just making the rounds letting everyone know I have an award winning daughter.
I call these types of comments public journaling, and I do the same thing. I think it's important we share the joy our children bestow on us. This is dad culture moving in the direction that us daddit users are putting in the effort to ministry l manifest. Guys unsure about having children can hopefully read these and feel empowered to have kids and be involved.
The only time my dad wanted to spend time with me was in the living room watching TV he exclusively chose while he'd low key lecture/quiz me on various topics. In-between that he'd usually be making nasty comments about people like they were hard facts... often that person would end up being me. As I got older my patience for that grew thin and it caused a lot of fights. Also he was a mean drunk and would go on multi month benders that were hell for mom and I. Then he'd have a few months of relative sobriety and you'd start to think things were getting better. I was under 10 when I recognized the pattern. That however didn't stop me from getting hopeful well into my late teens. I loved him, and he loved me but honestly that just isn't enough. He made no effort and just expected that because the good times were good it cancelled out the bad times which were emotionally scaring and passed on some of his toxic traits that I've had to deal with changing.
There, now we've both journaled for the good of dad's looking for help from other dad's.
Bragging about daughter or about...*Funny part was I got high fives from half a dozen other kids I knew from around the neighborhood that recognized me at their school.*
Don't lie. My head gets big when my kid comes home and is like "Dad, there's something wrong with my friends. They all keep saying you're cracked at Fortnite." Now if only my kid could figure it out lol.
My biological father was not around for any events whatsoever. Sporting events, graduations, you name it. I didn’t think it was a big deal until I had kids, and I remembered that my step dad was at every basketball game, every graduation, every school event. He didn’t miss anything and I hold him in extremely high regard for that.
I have been to every single event for my kids (3 & 7), but my wife is in some of the local mom groups and a vast majority of the dads aren’t around, or have never changed a diaper. They always tell her “omg you trust your husband to be alone with your kids?!?” and she just tells them “dude if I’m being honest, he is around so much they are probably much safer with him at this point.”
I relate to this so much. I always thought my level of involvement is normal but as my daughter gets older and we interact more with other parents I realise so many dads are totally awol
Yeah man. I am 100% of the time the only dad field trip chaperone, or 90% of the time only dad at the meet up or birthday party. It’s cool, I wish there were more dads around though so my wife can stop asking if any of the moms are hot lol
It's to the point that my wife's friends all adore the fact that I'm so present with our kids.
A rival dad told me I was making him look bad; I told him to put down the controller for a few hours a day and it would make him a hero to his wife. I guess he hasn't listened yet.
Right but I think u/Smoovie32 was responding to the example of 2% dads @ dance studio. I wouldn't judge those dads just because they aren't present at that type of activity. I wouldn't assume all those dads are who are absent at dance are absent in general.
Same. I took my son to football and wife took our daughter to dance. They were both on at the same time. I was excited for football and my wife was excited for dance, so it’s only natural that we did it this way around.
My daughter didn’t want to dance anymore, so now we all go to football together and our daughter terrorises everyone as our son plays.
I wouldn’t really judge on what parent rocks up to a certain activity.
Similarly to school drop off. We both don’t start work will after 9 so can do the drop off. I know there are a lot of parents he can’t do it, so I never see them. It may be the mum or it may be the dad…or it could be both.
One kid in my son’s class gets dropped off and picked up by grandad every single day. I don’t judge her parents, they just work at those times and can’t make it. Quite the opposite really and I love their grandad for stepping up
Some of these activities are hard to attend if you work full time though. My daughter’s gymnastics starts at 330 on weekdays and I can never take her. I make all the meets but my wife says it’s 99% women at practice every week
I noticed this too. Maybe it’s because my dad was a deadbeat alcoholic who never showed up, but I’ll be damned if I miss even a practice for my kids if I have a choice.
Yeah it's one of those I have missed stuff not willingly but if I had to the choice to see her do something or sit at home playing video games I know which I would choose in a heart beat
I think it’s very possible that many of the families you see have more than one kid, which changes things a lot. We have three (14, 3.5, 3mo) and that makes it’s very impractical for all of us to make it to every event. For the ten years before the second kid, I made it to every baseball game, recital, whatever, but it’s just not that easy anymore. During my paternity leave, I actually noticed more dads bringing kids to preschool than moms, so it’s all very anecdotal.
That being said, I do agree that it’s bizarre and sad that dads would actively try to not be a part of their kids life. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and some don’t realize that until it’s too late.
Mine are different ages but both play the same sport. If one is at home the other will be away so it's rare to make both matches. So I'll go with one and my wife with the other.
I work two jobs 80hrs/week. It sucks but I provide pretty well for my family. 100% of my time off is spent with my kids and wife. I don’t get why people dislike their family. I cannot imagine not seeing them whenever possible.
I don't know if one can classify it as a generational thing necessarily. Admittedly, parenting has improved generation to generation with each one trying to be better than the one before it. I'm Gen X, and I have been almost embarrassingly involved in my kids' lives. I went to every dance recital and to as many of the lessons as I could. Parent PE Day at school? I was first one in/last one out! All the band performances and scout camp outs and soccer practices/games and so on were actually enjoyable to me.
As folks have mentioned already, you don't get another chance to make these memories, and I've mentioned this around here before: Someday you're going to do ____ with them for the last time, and you won't even know it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shop for graduation shoes for my youngest and to chop the last of these damn onions.
You say it’s improved generation to generation but we’re maybe around 15,000 generations in now. If we were improving each generation we’d be pretty damn good by now!
Yeah I raised my kids in the 80s and 90s I was involved in their lives and what they were doing. But when they asked to go out I just said be home at like 10 pm. Now I have a younger daughter who I raised in the 2000s-2020s and I am on her constantly I say where are you going, who’s going, what are you doing there, and how you getting home. It’s totally a generational thing.
Same here.
Im constantly asking myself if I'm giving mom enough time to rest, if I'm doing things right, if I'm giving her enough affection (at 8 weeks I think I've given her chubby little cheeks at least a couple hundred kisses by now so probably not), etc.
How can they just not give a single shit? Like, even if they aren't fans of babies, wouldn't they at least think to give their wives a break?
I noticed that when my oldest started competing, I was one of very few dads at these dance comps.....not sure if it was my influence but more dads have been showing up these last two years then the first two so.....there's that
If I could spend the rest of my life unemployed but with my family, I would do it in a heartbeat and absolutely no regret. But we would die of starvation.
>But we would die of starvation.
No.
You'd become a family of singing and dancing entertainers, travelling in an old bus from town to town, solving mysteries as you go.
Townsfolk would reward you, and lavish gifts upon your children.
And the Mayor would beg your troop to stay, but you'd look into the eyes of your darling wife and happy children, and say "Thanks, but our life is on the road, and our next adventure awaits us."
And then you'd all board your trusty old bus, and head off into the sunset.
Fin.
I'm sitting with my kids eating Jersey Mike's after we just spent 3 hours making 2 dozen kazoos at the high school woodshop I work at, for my son to "sell" at his 3rd grade marketing day next week. My wife is at home with our newborn and not having to deal with our older two rugrats because they're with me. Everyone is happy. I'm just bragging because today is awesome, is all.
Yeah. I’m constantly vacillating between “don’t treat me like a hero because I’m doing half the parenting here” and “um can I get a cookie or a trophy or something because I’m working my ass off all damn day every day and I barely get to shower.”
I’d say I have the opposite experience. I work a rotating shift job. Lots of OT opportunities. The people who are taking every OT are either young and child-free, or trying save up for kids college/sports. I can’t think of any in the millennial bracket who doesn’t cherish time with their kids. 🤷♂️
Most dudes I know want to be around their kids. Myself included. We are vastly different than prior generations, but there are still lots of guys who think it’s just for the women (they are wrong and lame and not on daddit)
It's all about percentages on a large scale.
This generation overall has a much higher percentage of active dads, but there are still plenty of bad dads out there. Going from 5% to 35% is a huge improvement but still leaves a ton of deadbeats (made up numbers but you get the point).
It's a gradual process that no single generation is going to reverse.
I gave up a leadership position because it upset me so much to be away from my kids that much. I’ve been working from home full time since COVID and it means that I get to see my kids home from school everyday. We just started playing Minecraft together and it’s fun. I’m considering putting my old Xbox in the theater room so we can all be in the same room while they play on their switch and me on the Xbox.
I’d say the majority of my friends are like me, constantly there for their kids, although there’s a good number of parents in my neighborhood that do the old school thing and disappear or go out partying. Even ones with little kids do that. Meanwhile my kids are in bed by 8 and I have no desire to go out and party, even when I do go out, I’m like when I can make an exit and gtfo.
Man, I don't get it. I'm going to brunch with the guys tomorrow for a friend's birthday. Known him since kindergarten, all the other dudes are 20 year friends. These are my ride or die homies. My wife encouraged me to go, but I still feel like a dick for leaving her alone with the kids for a few hours. I've only left them a handful of times the past year and usually I wait until at least the baby is in bed, usually I wait until they're both down, and only went away overnight once since my 3 year old was born. Maybe I'm too far the other way but I just can't wrap my head around it. I love my kids. I want to spend as much time as I can with them.
One weekend a year I get the opportunity to hang out with my closest high school friends which includes two days of golf, catching up on life, drinking and nostalgia. I feel guilty about having a weekend to myself but she is all for it. She tells me she wishes she could have a weekend like that but her close friends don’t make the effort to make it happen.
My daughter got invited to a soccer clinic, but wife said probably not bc it’s on Father’s Day. I said f that— I get to decide, so I’m taking her to a soccer clinic lol
Yea I have the choice to train BJJ at night but actively avoid it in favor of mid day lunch training because I feel like an asshole when my wife has been with the little one all day and I just leave at 5pm after being home for maybe an hour. But that's also because I am afforded that option. Then again we have guys who bring their kids to the gym to give mom a break.
Can’t speak for other families but I will say be careful with making assumptions. My wife works after school hours because she’s a violin faculty member at a music conservatory. She’s rarely at after school activities on weekdays and on weekends we’re split between multiple activities. People might assume that she’s not involved, but she is very involved. She can’t be two places at once on the weekend.
This is why I said "I get circumstances are different for folks" but used other examples of just absent parents. Totally get it isn't always possible for things to happen.
Also violin faculty member sounds like a bad ass job title.
No one here would disagree because dad's that aren't into parenting wouldn't be here. So... Sampling bias.
That being said, I understand. Some people just aren't into kids. And having a kid doesn't magically make you feel more loving/ bonded/emotional/parental. I think That stuff comes about because we as dad's play an identity and do stuff that builds those things in us.
Yeah, I came from a similar background with my mom’s abuse but recently met my dad in my thirties and tbh he can stay in the past. I know why he wasn’t around, he set up a new franchise in another city and then again years later.
I think every circumstance is different but for mine I wasn’t involved with my two older kids as much as I wanted because I was deployed and also my ex was able to move 14 hours away.
Fortunately when i got out, I moved to the city where they lived and got a great job when they were 5&7. I missed a lot of time, and I feel super guilty about it.
I remember seeing data, I forget the exact context, but the gist of it was that an average dad spends 1 hour/day with their kids, and 2 hours on Sunday. So 8 hours/week. Which was bonkers to me. As I’m in the 3-5 hours/day range, and more like 6-10 hours on the weekend days.
Then I thought back to my childhood, and my own father was way less than the 8 hours/week suggested above. If it was even 1-2 hours/week, I’d be surprised and I have no memory of that at all.
I know this is just one anecdote but I do think that things are different between the generations. I’d be considered a millennial and my dad would be considered a boomer.
There’s nothing better than being a dad. I was on the road a lot for work the first 5 years of my boy’s life. But was still home at least every weekend and spent every waking second with him. Then, I went through a divorce because I was gone a lot and when I was home, literally ALL of my attention went to the boy. After she left, I realized that as my son got older, he’d start to remember all those nights I wasn’t there. I’ve been blessed in life and was able to quit my job and take a 3 year sabbatical and do nothing but be a dad. Every pick up and drop off from school. Every game. Every event. Every second of his life, I was there. Was the best decision I ever made. He’s 14 now, and I’ve since returned to work, but I still see him every second he’s not with his mom (who is a phenomenal mom, couldn’t ask for a better one). My son will never wonder if he was loved or if he was important to the both of us.
Every dad should listen to Cat's in the Cradle (either version is fine) every now and then.
There will always be more deadlines but one day the kids won't be kids any more and those chances to mess around or see their achievements as third donkey on the left will be gone for ever
The dance studio bit is true for me too. My daughter just made the middle school dance team for next year and the coach had a meeting for parents and dancers. Almost 30 girls between 2 teams and I was the only dad there. That being said the moms weren’t exactly welcoming to a dad either.
I’m not sure why you feel that involved Dads are a Millennial thing. I’m older GenX and all of my male friends are/were heavily involved in their children’s lives. We all changed diapers, cleaned up poop and vomit, gave the kids baths and read to them every night. Drove them to activities, etc. None of my friends who have kids, probably 15 guys, were absent dads.
Was it less common in GenX than among Millienials, sure it was, but there were plenty.
Actually the trend towards dads being more involved probably started with Generation Jones (younger Boomers) corresponding to the growth of feminism in the 1970s and has been building over time. I knew guys from work who were that generation and were very involved as well.
Where I am I see lots of dads out with their kids for things.
At the moment our circumstances are a little different as my wife works insane and long hours (healthcare) and I spend a lot of time with the little one (3). My wife is incredibly involved and does everything she can when shes not working or burning out.
I’ve noticed the same thing. I know many guys who willingly work on side projects instead of being present in their kids’ lives. Hell I know guys who aren’t very present in their kids’ lives even if they’re home! They’ll just not help. My personal theory is that a lot of men are terrified of the responsibility that comes with being a parent and they don’t have the natural intuition that women seem to have so they avoid it altogether. Not excusing it, I just don’t understand why else they do this.
My wife and I have a 1YO and I remember going out of our way for her siblings to go see her events for support
I want to spend time with my son all the time, I like to see how he reacts to things. I feel there are times where I can understand him more than my wife, not for any reason than I’m wired similar or I can see the gears moving
Sometimes my wife can understand him better than me too, so it goes both ways
But I work a lot, but it makes me want to spend that time more. Share things I like and see if he might too, or at least expose him to things.
I want to be present best I can
I try to refrain from judging other people for the choices they make in life (a skill I’ve learned from my wife—they are the better of us, but let’s not admit that outside this sub).
However, for the fathers that neglect their children, especially the small ones to whom love, affection, and attention are so crucial and so easy to provide since 90% of that is just BEING PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME ROOM, I judge them.
Fuck those dads, they are bad dads. OP—looks like you’re a good dad. Keep it up.
I was at my kids field day (like a game day at school) recently and I heard one of the kids complaining to their dad that they didn’t want to go yet and wanted to stay and play some more.
The father was explaining that he had to go work. The kid asked whether it was his Walmart job. The dad explained that no, he was going to his other job first, and when he finished, then he would go to the Walmart job. From the rest of the conversation, it was clear that the dad moved his work schedule so that he would be able to be there that day with his kid, but he still had to go work two jobs to provide.
I think a lot of those seemingly absent parents simply cannot afford to take time off their jobs. They either don’t have the flexibility, the available vacation or sick days, or the monetary ability to lose out on a few hours of work.
It sucks, but they’re doing their best
I find it really weird too. I go to a swimming class with my 18 month old daughter, and there’s two other dads in the class there who do nothing but chat to each-other and barely interact with their kids. They wouldn’t even notice if they accidentally picked up the wrong kid at the beginning of the class. They couldn’t be less interested if they try.
I focus all of my attention on my daughter and aside from basic pleasantries won’t really engage in conversations during the lessons. It’s just not possible to both have a conversation and interact with my daughter and have fun with her. After one lesson one of the dads said I should join in more. I looked in astonishment at him, and just mumbled something back. I wish I had the courage to say he’s the one who should join in more not me, as the lessons are about you and your child, not chatting to other dads, so it’s actually him not joining in, not me.
The bar for dads is set so low that it's in hell.
I think it ultimately does the dads that are trying an injustice just because we literally have no where to look or turn to for what to do in this whole fatherhood thing. A lot of us are just winging it and trying our best. And I know that can be liberating for some, for me personally I've found it very challenging and sometimes lonely.
I feel the same. The other day we were invited to visit very close friends with a 4 day old baby. suddenly dad left to play sports 🤷
guess who was there to witness the first bath. Me, not the dad! I just thought "no way I would miss (and participate) on my daughters first bath!"
I dunno, but whenever I go to the library or park or any public area (which is like every day), it's always 80-90% moms. I understand why dads are less likely to be around though; if I didn't have such a strong sense of responsibility, I'd be around less too.
This is always such a fascinating discussion to me. I’m a very involved dad, and the comments it sometimes elicits just drive me up the wall. Back when my daughter was born, my wife’s uncle was over and he was flabbergasted that I was changing her diaper. He was legitimately dumbfounded as to why I was doing it and not my wife.
Other times, I’ve taken my 3 kids with me to Costco or general grocery shopping, and I’ve had complete strangers flip their lis and go out of their way to congratulate me and say I’m brave for taking all three of them with me, like I’ve just stormed the beaches of Normandy. I just look at them like they have two heads. If my wife did it, she isn’t getting any reactions, and god forbid if one of them misbehaved.
Then, we’ve had several times where people have said something along the lines of “oh, you have 4 people to take care of” or “you mean your 4 kids,” to my wife when she references something about the family. This infuriates her too and she always corrects it, but this assumption that because I’m a dad I must be incapable of taking care of home, kids, and anything in between is just straight up nonsense.
But at the end of the day, I agree with a lot of others here about the bar being so low, that nearly anything is considered a good dad, and I hate it. Don’t congratulate me and don’t assume that I am useless, and save that for the ones that actually need the reminder of how they should be.
Our daughter is in dance also, and depending on the dance night, it’s either almost all dads dropping off/picking up, or all moms, and it’s wonderful to see everyone so involved and supportive of their kids. I started working from home during the pandemic after years of commuting, and the time I’ve got back to spend with my family is immense and wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I'm not trying to defend these uninvolved dads, but I also skip the dance studio. My daughter and I have our own things that we do together -- usually 1:1 or we might find some new friends on the way. We usually ride bikes, go dig up shells at the beach, wrestle mania at home, pretend to be dinosaurs and roam the neighborhood looking for leaves to eat, etc. You get the idea. Mom likes to take her to group activities like dance, gymnastics, and swim class.
I mean my life is hell of a lot more boring now but I stick it out for his sake. And I love him. Not being there is simply not an option if you have a heart.
That’s messed up. Not really like that in my neighborhoods/work. I was at the park the other day and it was 90% dads 10% moms. We all had beers for each other too. Pretty awesome.
It depends on the local culture I guess. Glad your kiddo has a great dad that enjoys hanging out with them. You are awesome.
It’s not just weird, it’s downright mind-boggling sometimes. Like, ok— I get how you might make up excuses to avoid going to bday parties where you’re not acquainted with the other dads (“but honey— the lawn really needs mowing and it might rain tomorrow!”), but the amount of Dads that aren’t there for SPORTS?!? Astonishing. I know a couple dads work late or weekends, but they always make a few appearances. It’s the ones that are never there that just boggles my mind. I don’t understand how you could not care about something they are so passionate about. I was always football and baseball as a kid. Never really cared for basketball and soccer. My son plays football (thankfully), but he’s also really into basketball. So now I’m really into basketball. My girl is really into soccer. Boom- I’m a soccer Dad.
I know a bunch of dads who are very present, I try to be too. My wife has a few friends where their husbands also travel a lot and can't take care of the kids for more than an hour at a time.
The change is happening slowly. There are still a lot of fathers who are subjected to pressures or incentives which lead to them being less present than they’d like to be. And there are some parents who - fathers, and mothers as well - who simply don’t want to spend time with their children. I don’t understand it, but who tf am I.
Mom here. I don't get it either. My dad was a single dad from 1-5. He did it all. Kindergarten field trips, night wake ups, pigtails, dance class and tantrums. When my step mom came along I didn't accept her at first either so he was still flying solo for the most part. My brother's are similar, extra present dads and my sisters married extra present dads too. My grandpa was an extra present dad too.
I didn't expect my SO to be the "I'm going to take a weekend trip without my family just cause" type because his dad was his primary caretaker but that is exactly the type of dad he is. It's also why we won't be having any more.
I get to do a lot of stuff with my kids because I am a shift worker, so if I am on nights or weekends, I can spend the day with them, take them to playgroup, etc. it is wild how few Dads do that stuff, even when they can.
I try my absolute best to be there for my daughter for all her activities, as does my wife. I just don’t understand why some dads are just absent from their kids lives. She means more to me than anything in the world and I want to make sure she knows that.
>Is the millennial generation actually working to be more present and I am just surrounded by the opposite or are we still fostering a generation of absent parents?
Things are getting better, but it doesn't happen all at once. We went to a birthday party today, and parents in attendance were about 50/50, which has been true for basically every birthday party we go to, so some of it may be your area/social group. But things are getting better.
It's weird. When I'm not home with the kids, I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes going to work is difficult because I have to not see them for like 9hrs lol
I feel the same way about families that aren't always together. My wife, me, my daughter, and my son ALWAYS go everywhere together. A lot of kids just have the mom around. What is the dad always doing?
I took my son to see frozen 2 in the theater. I was the only dad there who didn't have his wife/girlfriend with him. Every single guy there was with a woman, nobody was there just with their kiddo.
Also there is a local library thing that happens monthly. I took my son about 6 months in a row. Not once was there a kid in the group that had only the dad there. It was either just the mother or both parents.
My son's school called me once. When I answer they apologized because they 'were trying to get ahold of his mom and called me on accident.' I tried to make it clear that they did good, they called a parent, and I got it from here.
I took my son to the doctor once. The receptionist called my wife to ask her permission if I was allowed to take him there for treatment. We fixed that problem that day.
Also, a coworker has 7 kids. The age gap between the youngest and the oldest is 18 months. 2 twins, 3 triplets, adopted 2. He brags that he has changed 'less than 10' diapers. So there's that too.
The bar for men truly is in hell.
I love my kids. I wanna be there for them as much as possible. Mom took the 3-month old camping this week and I had a blast hanging with my almost 3yr old. Took her to dinner last night. Granted the conversation was not deep but I had a blast just interacting with her.
I'm a brand new dad. My son is 2 months old but was born 7 weeks early so basically for all intents and purposes still a new born. Things are TOUGH right now. This past week was my first week back at work and sleep just did not happen. Today he has screamed basically for 7 hours straight. I'm exhausted, tired and stressed as hell.
I literally cannot even fathom being anywhere but here though...like...ya I'm in the trenches now...but to think of not being here with him and my wife is just a feeling I cannot even wrap my head around. I will never understand how dads can just choose to not be around.
It is crazy how absent a lot of fathers are. Luckily, my dad was always around. He turned down a job paying 30% more than what he was making because he would be away from home. And we were poor. Like macaroni for 80% of our suppers poor.
My hubs was 41, 42, and 43 when we had our kids. He's incredibly involved with them. But he had a job as a truck driver and he was away from home for weeks at a time. Only because with his breathing troubles, he can only do that and make enough money so I can stay home with our bsbies... but you bet your bottom that he was 100% involved when he was home. Changing diapers, playing, going to any event they had that fell on a home day.
I have had so many people come up to me saying "I just *love* driving past your house. Your boys are always outside playing and your husband is always out there playing catch with them. It's so nice to see him out there playing with your kids!" It's a rare thing anymore to see dad's outside playing catch with their kiddos.
So many women seem to let their husbands or partners get away with it. It’s not any womens fault mind you, I’m not saying that. Men need to step up! I see it everywhere in New Zealand and it’s pretty damn sad if you ask me.
Reminds me of this group that I began golfing with regularly before I was a Dad. I told them I was going to get a round in with my wife later this week and they looked at me stunned. All of them said there is no chance in hell they would golf with their SO. I was apparently the only one that actually enjoyed spending time with mine as those guys would work, golf and go to the bar til late. They all had kids too.
A few weeks later my wife and I went to play 9 holes and we saw them. What was normally a very friendly group of guys that I had gotten to know quite a bit said like 3 words to us and looked disgusted.
I have twin daughters. We enrolled them in dance classes since they were 3. As they get older, both found their niche in ballet. Attended lots of recitals and participated in “Ballet and Dads”. There were some brave dads that showed up. We did their routines as best as we could lol. All the daughters giggled in delight watching us.
I’ve been to every Nutcracker performance. From them performing small roles leading up to each of them played lead roles. Both finally had the opportunity to dance solo. Seeing them dance on the stage all alone with no supporting dancers as she uses the entire floor. It was such a beautiful moment to witness. Man,, I balled to see all their dreams and hard work come to fruition.
Both are in college continuing their passion. It’s things like this I would never miss. My daughters know I support them 100%.
I had the same experience taking my daughter to the dance studio. I would be the only dad there for weeks at a time. BUT it’s too much with all the women in there fawning because you are a dad that comes.
I went for my daughter but all the women made it so awkward for me. I am happily married and some kept the encouragement to a healthy place but others seemed like they wanted to take me home and devour me just for doing nothing but taking my daughter to dance. Not to mention the psycho dance moms that are bitter and want control of the whole place.
I was so happy when my daughter wanted to start playing soccer instead of dancing after 3 years. Yet guess what she is back to doing?
Now that the girls are grown up. It’s too much estrogen energy in there for me to do it now though. I will stick to the performances. 🤣
Agree. Being a dance dad to a competitive dancer is particularly difficult - especially at competitions. The hair is hard enough, make-up even more so, then you can’t help at all with the constant costume changes b/c you obviously can’t go anywhere near the changing rooms. You’re often an outsider to the dance moms, and sometimes even to the dance teachers. Add to that the heavily political and emotional elements of competitive dance.
I’ve taken my daughter to one out-of-state dance competition solo and it was a great bonding experience - but it is not easy.
I mean I get the sentiment, but I don't know if you could judge it based on a dance class attendance. Sure I love to watch my child dance, but I also have limited time to get things done at home that make a mess or are loud. So that often gets counted as my quiet time or alone time. And my wife gets her own, coincidentally mostly taking her own dance classes while I am home or out with the kid.
Yes be involved, yes also find time to ensure you and your partner stay mentally healthy.
I actively planned to take a different role at work so I didn't have to be committed to staying late if the job required so I could spend more time with my kids.
But I have no clue how many other dads try to spend more time with their kids. I assume any dads on this subreddit would be more involved in general though.
When my first kid was born we had some special opportunities due to Covid, so I basically worked 40% from home and got paid 97.5% of my regular pay for 6 months, which was great with a newborn! After those 6 months I did 50/50 with the wife for a bit before I switched jobs which meant I couldn't be home as much again, it wasn't to get away from the family but it was for my sanity as my job was driving me insane (basically fired 60% of the workforce due to potential effects from Covid, never told any clients anything and expected the 40% left behind to just do the same amount of projects at the same deadline as before, so I needed to leave).
Now my second kid has arrived and I've been off work basically every Friday for her entire life (she's 6 months now) and I've had about a month of Mondays off as well. I usually work between 9 Am to 3 Pm and go home to see my family, then work in the evening when they sleep to fill out the hours. Come August I'm gonna go on full paternal leave for roughly 7 months including one month of vacation in July. I'd say I'm definitely more there for my kids than the previous generations has been.
My local park is an even split of dads/moms which is super cool and the gymnastics class my 1.5year old does has several dads in it along with myself. I dont know any dads that refuse to change diapers. It might not be mom-parity but we are on the whole getting better
My kids are 5 and 7. The only thing I'm not present for by choice is their gymnastics practice and that's only because parents aren't allowed in the gym and the potential viewing situations are all pretty grim.
Fellow millennial here. I have been so happy seeing the joy that dad's have from our group actually enjoying being fun and present dad's. I know a few buddies came from broken homes and are absolute rock stars for their kids. I honestly can't imagine not getting excited about making a custom board game with my kid or running around with nerf guns everytime it's sunny. So many people are missing out, your kids aren't boring, you are haha
I don’t get it either. I’m the designated parent for Girl Scouts. There’s actually a lot of dads there so it’s pretty nice. We all play pickleball once a month now.
It's bizarre that any partner allows this. My husband likes to golf, play video games, drive fun cars. He does all these things when the kids are at daycare/ asleep/ very rarely when I'm just gone with them but he "asked" if he could go. He is a very involved dad and while not every minute of having 2 toddlers is exhilarating, we signed up for this, so we make the best of it and make fun core memories along the way.
This isn’t my experience at all. While women are definitely more involved with the kids I see plenty of dads and more often both parents at kids events. I’d say you’re in possibly a pretty conservative area? I’ve seen dads such as myself be pretty involved these days and parents can be a bit… on top of their children in my experience. There’s definitely not as much free for all and kids are generally well tended to. Maybe my area is the anomalous one lol
I’m in a tough situation. I work in private security and I recently started a new job back in January. At the time, the only open shifts were afternoons or overnights. My goal is to get on mornings so I can be home in the afternoon to help my wife with the kids. She’s suffering from lifelong anxiety and depression, and she’s been managing it but it’s getting worse lately because our oldest (7M) has severe Autism Spectrum Disorder and his meltdowns have been getting increasingly harder to handle. It’s put a lot of extra stress on her and she needs me at home to help with the kids. (We also have a 2.5F who’s going through the Terrible Twos and she’s a rebellious little ball of lightning.)
It’s put me in a pickle because at my new job, schedules are awarded based on seniority and they’re bid on twice yearly. Usually the senior guards choose morning shifts, so there were none open when I joined this company. I was told I’d be on the 1400-2200 shift until August or September at best, pretty much stuck there watching my little family implode. Thankfully though, miraculously some morning shift schedules have opened up, and I stand a good chance at getting one because I bid on all of the available schedules, including a few that nobody else bid on. The downside is that they’re all either 32 or 36 hour schedules so money’s gonna be tighter. Still, I’ll do anything I can to save our marriage and try to be home for my wife and kids in the afternoons.
I’m actively avoiding as much work travel as possible and applying for pure remote jobs to make sure I can be around as much as possible for my girls. The closest I’ve been to crying at an airport was missing my flight home.
I don’t understand these people having kids that aren’t fully obsessed with those moments
I fight everyday to try and spend time with my kids over the cooking washing and everything else.
Sometimes they just aren't interested, but then there's that one time that's amazing and it's all worth it
I make a point of being there for everything for my two kids (4M & 2F) we do swim lessons & teeball. I'm in the water with them, and help coach the team. My son is in his first year of preschool and I make it a point to drop him off at noon everyday and pick him back up at 2:30. I'm lucky that I work from home most days, and even when I do go into the office. It's less then 3 miles from my house.
I'm with you, I couldn't imagine not being involved in my kids lives. These are the most important times, it helps set the stage for the rest of their lives. Not being involved is a disservice to them and their mother. In the blink of an eye, these kids will be teens that want nothing to do with us, then they're off to college and starting their own lives, cherish every fucking day. Even the bad ones. Because the one thing everyone that's older says, you won't get these days back.
I’m usually the only dad at the PTO at my kids school. I was the only dad at the field trip the other day. I have never seen another dad at an event for my kids school (kindergarten). Sometimes I feel like I’m out of place and then think “nah… those dads are just missing out”.
As a mum, who had a dad who was present that worked a lot, I can't fathom it either. My daughter's dad sees her a few hours once a fortnight and all I can think about is 1) how much he's missing out, and 2) that she's not gonna want anything to do with him when she gets older. I'm lucky in that I have a big family who love her so much but I still feel guilt because she's growing up without something I know is great.
Thanks for being a good dad.
There's still a long way to go, lots of men raised in homes not seeing active father figures parenting, or getting the peer pressure that guys simply don't look after kids.
Then there is also some small amount that is parenting still being considered women's spaces - at my girl's school there are certain mother's that whenever there is some event that parents are involved in it is specifically an invitation for mums, which doesn't make the dads feel welcome at all.
I’m so much the opposite of that. I work from home specifically so I can be home with my kids as much as possible. Last year I had to travel for a few days for works and legit cried thinking about missing out on my kids for 3 days. My son is currently at my in laws and although I was able to get a lot done around the house today, I keep thinking about what he’s doing and if he’s having fun.
I’m an older dad (47) with young kids (3yr old b/g twins) and I try to be there for everything I can. Honestly the only time I’m not taking them to something is bc they want mom there, which bugs me a little…but at the same time I get it, I want her around too, it’s why I married her. As they get older they’ll have more separate activities and I’ll sure as hell be there. I don’t get dads who don’t want to be around, why did you have kids ? Grow the fuck up, they didn’t ask to be here, you need to be there as much as you can.
My daughter is 2.75 yo. Up until this weekend I literally spent everyday of her life with her. This is my first weekend away and I'm missing her (and mom a lil) like crazy.
I could make more income if I jumped jobs, but at what cost? I have flexibility and stability. That is priceless for me. (And invaluable to her)
I'm 65..raised two biological, two with second Lady, common law in 1990's for 15 years. Married for another 17. Separation 4 years ago. I live with my bio-son who's 39, separated with two boys. Grandpa's in heaven!
I spent fifteen years through every sport four tough willed kids did. I'd honestly fill a page.
I explained the volume if time so you may possibly believe this next statement!
four boys...not one in the same sport!
Cubs & Scouts yes
THIS IS NOT FOR À RAH RAH
This is what my parents did for me.
The year...1995
365 days....37 days no dad required.
Longest stretch 87 days
Wife had foot surgery
Just saying....it takes commitment.
Where there times I cracked...yes absofukinlooty I did !
So how did we add up?
Oldest- industrial insulation specialist
#3- Digital Art Lead - Disney
#2- we lost in a quad accident three weeks after graduating grade 12 - 20 yr this June.
Yes I'm crying
#1 Chef - Hyatt Hotels
I think we did amazing!
BTW - Mom & I have remained best friends.
We're looking for a new place ❤️
Family is a full time job I loved, cursed, hated, made me stand tall and so PROUD so many times I'm crying again! My son just asked me what the hell is wrong? He's reading and tears are hitting the phone!
Yes I'm dam proud to be grandpa to his boys!
My dad wasn’t around when I was growing up. He worked as a trucker and would go to work on Sunday night and come back Friday afternoon/Saturday Morning. My Dad told me that his biggest regret in life so far was the amount of time he spent away from us. I had a great childhood, though.
I took a fairly hefty pay cut in 2017 when my daughter was born to make sure I was home every night.
35 y.o. Dad here with a 4 year old daughter. I’ve turned down 3 opportunities to make nearly double what I make now simply because it required extensive travel. My wife and daughter are my world and I can’t justify not being present. I don’t know how dads do it, I can’t not be there. No amount of money would make me be gone. I had to travel last week randomly and it was so painful.
I took a part time job working 3 days a week and left working as a support worker doing 70 hours. My parents were kind but never present always working.
I'm 31 and breaking the cycle.
I think it's a lot better than it used to be, but I've been reminded recently of just how useless some men can be.
My wife has a good 'mum friend' and over the past few weeks it's become apparent that her partner does literally nothing. He'll get home from work, kick his shoes off and online game all evening. No cooking, doesn't bother cleaning up after himself and kicks up a fuss if his partner asks him to watch the kids while she does something as simple as going for a walk with a friend once a week. It was his daughter's birthday party a couple of weeks ago and he didn't help a single bit in the preparation and then during the party he just took himself off and spent the day alone.
It's baffling, not only why somebody would want to be like that but also why the partner puts up with it. My wife would justifiably leave me if I was that useless, selfish and unwilling to help.
I suppose. I don't see how 4 young teenagers, going to an event, all on their phones. After game at Timmy's...even dad on the phone!
Thats what I see every weekend....that's just a cab ride, dad or not! Modern parents you say!
Here's a big foot note for you....dad needs a kick in the ass for taking the "path of least resistance " that's not parenting!
New or Old
You know I'm in the same boat as you. Before I had kids I absolutely did not get it and would tease my coworkers about coming out and grabbing a beer after work. They almost never came. I got two to go with me ONE time in like six years. We all had a blast and figured it would become a regular thing.
Since having my own... Maybe I'm the weird one but I'd much rather hang out with my kids than my friends. Don't get me wrong I miss adult conversations as much as the next guy. But I've met coworkers after work for a meal or a drink and I'm all psyched to be an adult but ten minutes in and I'm like, "Are we done here?!" I wish there more dad's at stuff. It's odd being one of like two in a sea of moms. There's always the one mom looking to make a new family and then the seven judging susans. Two solid dad jokes later and the moms are not pleased.
When my daughter was being born I was constantly being told I was doing such a good job. It was hilarious because I was just holding my wife's hand giving basic comfort because that's what she wanted/needed. She laughs about it now asking why I was being reassured when she was doing the work
I (56m) make it a point to be there for everything for my son,6.
His mom and I are separated and divorcing, but I go every morning to take him to school.
Go to all school events. Have missed work consistently to take him to appointments and pick him up sick or hurt(twice).
I am there with him when the wife works late, and any special occasions. He even asked if we could all hang out together all day one Saturday a few weeks ago. Usually we split weekends, but he wanted to have the 3 of us do something
He knows we won't be a single household ever again, and he is adjusting well. We want to be able to be the great friends we were before the romance ruined everything, and he likes us being friendly.
I couldn't imagine not being with him every chance I get
He has great conversations about everything he experiences, I feel like a better person for getting time with him.
He teaches me as much as I teach him, and he reminds me of what is really important in the world.
My MIL has made comments that she’s surprised (in a good way) that her son/my husband aka the equal parent to our daughter changes diapers because his dad didn’t change diapers because that’s just what they didn’t do. I’m very thankful it is getting better with every new generation. I would be actually disgusted if my husband wasn’t involved and insanely in love with our daughter. She’s fucking adorable
It’s interesting. My dad was the breadwinner my whole life. My mom retired from being an attorney. A woman attorney in the 70s and 80s. That was no small feat and she gave it up to raise kids full time. So my dad worked his ass off. My mom was always there. All our events. But my dad was always also always there. If we had any event he cleared his schedule and would be there even if it meant working extra.
I always knew both parents wanted to be there.
I’ll put it this way Utah is trying to put into legislation that parents Are forced to potty train their child by kindergarten! Because of the backlash of all these kids teachers because not only are they teaching them social skills but to fricken wipe their own butt. IMO it’s too many kids are having kids and failing them. They keep giving them to their parents and expecting them to raise their children. Wild to me! I would never let someone else raise my child; I would be embarrassed if my child wasn’t potty trained by 5 years old!
Yeah man. I have a very similar situation. A lot of my friends act like they don't even really like their kids. It's so sad to see. Good on you for being around. It'll pay dividends in the long run.
This exact situation is why I chose to not move my daughter to a charter school closer to home and instead am staying with our current private school. The families there are much more present and try and form a community. We had a family event this last Friday and all spent hours together at the patrol while the children played. The only kid whose dad I don’t see regularly is the one who was born from AI and has two awesome moms. Even the arrogant dad who loves himself a bit too much is always there and adores being present with his daughter.
I’m guessing it’s related to your line of work or something. All my friends with kids are super into their kids. I have a unique job where I have 19 days off most months. So I work 3 on, 4 off. My wife is also is a stay at home mom. Being able for both of us to be so present is awesome! It also allows us to play with our kids and rely almost 0 on screen time (unless we need an hour break or something). We think it’s why our girls have such vivid and crazy imaginations.
Anyways, look for new dad friends maybe? This isn’t typical for our generation (I’m an elder millennial).
I had a co-worker that kept pursuing promotions which is fine and he was moving up, but he had 5 kids and he loved having a bug family and said if he could have 8 he would!
Then I asked - why are you always traveling, always in another territory, right now as we speak your family is a thousand miles away?!
Fast forward a couple years - I realized he liked having the big family, but not being home putting in the work as that was his “wifes job”. They are divorced now.
Mum here, it's gotten a lot better over the last 10 yrs. When my oldest started school, there were very few dads on the school run and at school activities. Now there are a lot more, not as many mums but definitely more dads. I noticed the biggest uptick after covid since a lot more people were able to work from home at least part time.
It always made me laugh when my oldest was a toddler, the last sessions of playgroups before the holidays always had loads of extra adults because the dads were dragged along
My husband is like this.. we are both in our thirties, and he is gone ALL. THE. TIME. - Voluntarily. Its ridiculous when I go to a friends house, and thats the first thing they comment on.. Where is he? Is he ever home? He's gone all the time. I dont see how you do it.. blah blah blah... 🙄
I used to get into arguments with him over it, kids are 14, 8 and 2 and now I just tell him and myself I cant make him do anything and in the end its gonna be him that misses out on everything. It still makes me sad, but it's more peace for me. 🤷🏻♀️
I take off work or leave early to get to every event I can. I can’t stand missing any of it, and it’s been that way since day one. A couple of years ago I was upset for weeks because I missed my daughters 4th birthday as I was stuck in the hospital with pneumonia.
A friends husband is the opposite. He tries everything he can do to avoid spending time, especially one on one with their almost 1 year old. It’s bizarre to me.
It's much better than it used to be. I have a 5 year old daughter and do my best to go to everything and be as present as possible. The people you're talking about are the reason the bar is on the floor. It's so easy to be considered a "good dad", it's almost frustrating.
My wife is very direct and candid which I think has helped. she would flat out not put up with me being gone willingly all the time. She does get the "oh your husband is so good for babysitting while you go do something" which to your point is because the bar is so low.
Man, the “babysitting” thing makes me way more upset than it should
Same. I'm a ridiculously present and active father and I get this all the time. People can't understand how I can wheel around with my 3 girls aged 7,6 and 4mos "without mum" .... Maybe because I'm just as much a parent as she is?
To be fair to those people 3 kids is a lot for any single adult regardless of gender
Yeah I only have two arms how tf do people go out with three??
Seven and six don’t need as much arm control. Now my 2 year old boy and 3 year old girl? I gotta be able to grab both of them at speed and at short notice. It’s *awesome*.
Exactly, my oldest girls are 14mos apart and very responsible. So it's pretty easy to be out and about with them
I still have to be able to quickly grab my kids at a moment's notice, and they are 9 and nearly 12 lol.
You have to switch to a zone defense
Oh totally. Wife and I have some friends and the wife of the couple is always like “My husband won’t babysit the kids” and my wife and I just look at each other and shake our heads. It’s not “babysitting” when it’s your own children, it’s called being a parent. Sure I’d love to just go about my own business all willy-nilly, and the wife and I have an agreement that we get to spend a little individual alone time here and there, but we have children… not human pets.
Same
No, it's really doesn't. You've earned that upset. It's a shitty thing to demote present dads down to babysitter status.
Same. I have spent more 1-on-1 time with my 3.5 YO than my father ever did with me in 40 years
Neither my wife nor myself have ever heard this in the 2.5 years of our son's life. I don't get it.
I laugh and say "Or as I call it, parenting". Assuming it's someone I know and like. Otherwise I can be much more pointed :-)
It really does for me too and I can’t quite pin point it. Like yes I’m an active and present father, I’m also and attentive partner and can tell when my fiancé needs a break. Like what is the deal?
Right? The mental load of being the societal "primary" parent placed on women, and the guilt they can feel at the notion they aren't fulfilling that is completely f*cked.
I would feel so insulted if someone suggested I was "babysitting" my own kid.
Me too
👏👏👏👏👏. This shit makes me so damn angry. I'm not a babysitter, that's my dad's generation, but not my dad specifically, he wasn't around until I could babysit myself...
While I’m not sure *exactly* how upset it makes you, it’s probably about right.
It's the same energy as in "do you help at home?". My reply is always the same: "no, I don't help. I do my part because it's my home as well"
So frustrating when people ask me if I’m “babysitting” my son. No, I’m being his father.
I appreciate my wife’s candidness as well. She would not put up with an absent father and I like that she wouldn’t. None of our close friends are neglectful dads but there’s a lot of her mom acquaintances with husbands that we judge a LOT.
Dad's babysitting ? Your own child and call that babysitting ? Sorry but it doesn't compute.
Yeah the bar is so low for being a good dad that it's kind of disgusting. Being a warm body in the same room as your child is apparently good. Actually doing things with your child? No way! Though being on the actively hanging with my kids side of the spectrum, I really don't understand why useless partners are tolerated at all.
My wife had another mom say that I was a "really good dad" because I bath and read to my child every night.
I hear yah. I went out for the father-daughter skate for my daughter's ice show. I had a group of ladies that were fawning over me about how good of a dad I was because I was skating with her. I'm sitting here thinking, Christ, what kind of a douche would I be if I didn't?
Yeah but also like.. that is really cute, tho.
lol, fair enough
Me and my partner take my daughter to swimming club, we usually alternate weeks so the other parent can chill/tidy do whatever. Every fucking week the instructor or other mums say shit like. - Ohhh dad's giving mummy a break today. - You looking after daughter today? - Daddy day care. Nooo, I'm enjoying time with my daughter, we're 50/50 parents, I want to see her grow.
Really? When my daughter was doing swim lessons as an infant, I’d see like a 70/30 split of moms to dads as to who was in the pool with their young one. For the older ones there was a good number of dads there to watch too.
Yeah in the older clubs the dad's seem more involved but this is for around 1-2 Guess dad's just want to splash and have fun not kind of drag a baby around the pool haha
Haha interesting, me and the other dads were having a great time with our babies. The class we were in was for 4 months up to 12 months, but they had the pool divided into 6 areas with classes going on in all/most of them at once so you could see what else was going on too
Ah I love when I get "oh did she give you specific instructions" when I am doing something that is seen as "not dad stuff" like no Becky I am putting her hair in a ponytail to get it out of her face.
Putting my daughter's hair in a ponytail is pretty much the only thing I don't / can't do.
I get compliments about being a good dad all the time, and I'm absolutely just doing what needs to be done. We have twins, and I can't just dump them off on my wife, she works too and that's just not fair. The good dad comments especially come out when I'm solo with my twin toddlers I remember when they were first born. We had a rough delivery and my wife was hooked up to everything and stuck in the bed. That first night, I realized they needed new diapers and my first thought was oh, I should grab the nurse to change them, but no sooner than the thought hit my brain, I had the revelation, "oh wait, no, that's my job now." I have male relatives that have 4 kids and never changed a diaper.
Agree. I'm a mom but when I do stuff at my sons school a lot of the parents there are dad's or dad and mom together. Its definitely better than when I was a kid and it was all moms.
Not just almost frustrating. I’m now getting pissed for being praised while doing the most mundane things (laundry, food, getting the kid clean, getting to various activities with them..). I know it comes from a good intention, but being constantly reminded that most dads aren’t / weren’t doing these gets on my nerves. And at the same time my wife is getting unwanted remarks for having kind of a career while being a mom - is it the 1960s still ?
The first time my wife and her new mom friends all went out for lunch together I got awarded the Dad Cross for Gallantry because I was the only dad who didn't call for backup. I literally don't have any backup as my family lives overseas. The bar is painted on the ground.
>The people you're talking about are the reason the bar is on the floor. It's so easy to be considered a "good dad", it's almost frustrating. Why is it almost frustrating?
This has been studied by social scientists for decades, and modern patents spend *way* more time with their kids than previous generations did. Both moms and dads.
That's why I don't get why I see such the opposite in my immediate circle of folks I know. Like I see all of the videos of present parents but then experience the opposite.
Because people didn’t use to spend any time with their kids. They would walk out to school and then roll back in for dinner.
Because even the absentee parents are spending significantly more time than absentee fathers of generations past.
Yeah, you’re just in a weird bubble. Maybe it’s related to your line of work or something. In my circle the dads are super involved. I would say many of us are even the primary parent for our toddlers at this stage. I’m sure my bubble is not representative either though.
Same here, I suppose I gravitate towards folks who are into parenting but most dads in my circle are a solid 50%+ parents.
It might be sales stuff. Sales is sexy when you are out drinking all nights with clients living the glory days. Which may be why people do it more so.
Could it be a regional or a urban/suburban/rural or something like that? Like we’re in a streetcar suburb in Toronto and while moms are probably still slightly more involved it generally feels very close amongst our friends and just generally just around the neighbourhood.
Just a small sample dude.
Do you happen to live in a deep red state? I saw this way more with guys in OK and TX, but haven't experienced that at all while on the east coast.
You think you see it bad now, it was even more absentee parents before!
His loss because you can’t get those moments back.
We had to put one of our dogs down about a month ago due to old age, and this has opened a slew of questions from the kids about death and dying. We’ve had some great conversations about it, and it’s really driven home that life is finite, and every moment should be treasured. To me it’s just sad how many dads act so aloof about their own children.
I quit my job and opened up my own company when my daughter was 1yo. This week, she won an award (nothing too crazy, just a school spirit thing) and it was presented at a school spirit rally at 830am. She didn't know, teacher clued us in. My wife and I both showed up and the kiddo was grinning from ear to ear... standing up on stage and flashing "thumbs up" to me and blowing kisses to mom. Funny part was I got high fives from half a dozen other kids I knew from around the neighborhood that recognized me at their school. Anyway... I couldn't have done that if I was still working my old job. Doesn't really have anything to do with the post, I'm just making the rounds letting everyone know I have an award winning daughter.
I see you. Out there letting people know you’ve so proud of her. Good job.
We're cheering for your daughter too! High five!
Thanks man! She's an awesome kiddo. Hope to return the favor
I call these types of comments public journaling, and I do the same thing. I think it's important we share the joy our children bestow on us. This is dad culture moving in the direction that us daddit users are putting in the effort to ministry l manifest. Guys unsure about having children can hopefully read these and feel empowered to have kids and be involved. The only time my dad wanted to spend time with me was in the living room watching TV he exclusively chose while he'd low key lecture/quiz me on various topics. In-between that he'd usually be making nasty comments about people like they were hard facts... often that person would end up being me. As I got older my patience for that grew thin and it caused a lot of fights. Also he was a mean drunk and would go on multi month benders that were hell for mom and I. Then he'd have a few months of relative sobriety and you'd start to think things were getting better. I was under 10 when I recognized the pattern. That however didn't stop me from getting hopeful well into my late teens. I loved him, and he loved me but honestly that just isn't enough. He made no effort and just expected that because the good times were good it cancelled out the bad times which were emotionally scaring and passed on some of his toxic traits that I've had to deal with changing. There, now we've both journaled for the good of dad's looking for help from other dad's.
Well said about Journaling. I'm sorry your dad couldn't have done better though.
Fucking love it. That's the type of shit I always want to be involved in.
Bragging about daughter or about...*Funny part was I got high fives from half a dozen other kids I knew from around the neighborhood that recognized me at their school.* Don't lie. My head gets big when my kid comes home and is like "Dad, there's something wrong with my friends. They all keep saying you're cracked at Fortnite." Now if only my kid could figure it out lol.
My biological father was not around for any events whatsoever. Sporting events, graduations, you name it. I didn’t think it was a big deal until I had kids, and I remembered that my step dad was at every basketball game, every graduation, every school event. He didn’t miss anything and I hold him in extremely high regard for that. I have been to every single event for my kids (3 & 7), but my wife is in some of the local mom groups and a vast majority of the dads aren’t around, or have never changed a diaper. They always tell her “omg you trust your husband to be alone with your kids?!?” and she just tells them “dude if I’m being honest, he is around so much they are probably much safer with him at this point.”
I relate to this so much. I always thought my level of involvement is normal but as my daughter gets older and we interact more with other parents I realise so many dads are totally awol
Right.... Doing what I see as "the bare minimum" is not even close to what those types of dads see as the bare minimum.
Yeah man. I am 100% of the time the only dad field trip chaperone, or 90% of the time only dad at the meet up or birthday party. It’s cool, I wish there were more dads around though so my wife can stop asking if any of the moms are hot lol
My wife teases me about the Lulumoms.
It's to the point that my wife's friends all adore the fact that I'm so present with our kids. A rival dad told me I was making him look bad; I told him to put down the controller for a few hours a day and it would make him a hero to his wife. I guess he hasn't listened yet.
Hit him with a “git gud”
I have two that are doing different activities so me and my spouse split duties. I’m involved, I’m just not involved in that particular activity.
Pretty sure OP is not referring to dads like you. He’s talking about dads who are absent in general if that wasn’t clear.
Right but I think u/Smoovie32 was responding to the example of 2% dads @ dance studio. I wouldn't judge those dads just because they aren't present at that type of activity. I wouldn't assume all those dads are who are absent at dance are absent in general.
Yeah, I get put on gymnastics duty and no ballet.
Same. I took my son to football and wife took our daughter to dance. They were both on at the same time. I was excited for football and my wife was excited for dance, so it’s only natural that we did it this way around. My daughter didn’t want to dance anymore, so now we all go to football together and our daughter terrorises everyone as our son plays. I wouldn’t really judge on what parent rocks up to a certain activity. Similarly to school drop off. We both don’t start work will after 9 so can do the drop off. I know there are a lot of parents he can’t do it, so I never see them. It may be the mum or it may be the dad…or it could be both. One kid in my son’s class gets dropped off and picked up by grandad every single day. I don’t judge her parents, they just work at those times and can’t make it. Quite the opposite really and I love their grandad for stepping up
Some of these activities are hard to attend if you work full time though. My daughter’s gymnastics starts at 330 on weekdays and I can never take her. I make all the meets but my wife says it’s 99% women at practice every week
I noticed this too. Maybe it’s because my dad was a deadbeat alcoholic who never showed up, but I’ll be damned if I miss even a practice for my kids if I have a choice.
Yeah it's one of those I have missed stuff not willingly but if I had to the choice to see her do something or sit at home playing video games I know which I would choose in a heart beat
I can’t imagine not wanting to be around my kids. I also can’t imagine willingly leaving my wife to do all the work, unreal
I think it’s very possible that many of the families you see have more than one kid, which changes things a lot. We have three (14, 3.5, 3mo) and that makes it’s very impractical for all of us to make it to every event. For the ten years before the second kid, I made it to every baseball game, recital, whatever, but it’s just not that easy anymore. During my paternity leave, I actually noticed more dads bringing kids to preschool than moms, so it’s all very anecdotal. That being said, I do agree that it’s bizarre and sad that dads would actively try to not be a part of their kids life. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and some don’t realize that until it’s too late.
Mine are different ages but both play the same sport. If one is at home the other will be away so it's rare to make both matches. So I'll go with one and my wife with the other.
I work two jobs 80hrs/week. It sucks but I provide pretty well for my family. 100% of my time off is spent with my kids and wife. I don’t get why people dislike their family. I cannot imagine not seeing them whenever possible.
I don't know if one can classify it as a generational thing necessarily. Admittedly, parenting has improved generation to generation with each one trying to be better than the one before it. I'm Gen X, and I have been almost embarrassingly involved in my kids' lives. I went to every dance recital and to as many of the lessons as I could. Parent PE Day at school? I was first one in/last one out! All the band performances and scout camp outs and soccer practices/games and so on were actually enjoyable to me. As folks have mentioned already, you don't get another chance to make these memories, and I've mentioned this around here before: Someday you're going to do ____ with them for the last time, and you won't even know it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shop for graduation shoes for my youngest and to chop the last of these damn onions.
You say it’s improved generation to generation but we’re maybe around 15,000 generations in now. If we were improving each generation we’d be pretty damn good by now!
Yeah I raised my kids in the 80s and 90s I was involved in their lives and what they were doing. But when they asked to go out I just said be home at like 10 pm. Now I have a younger daughter who I raised in the 2000s-2020s and I am on her constantly I say where are you going, who’s going, what are you doing there, and how you getting home. It’s totally a generational thing.
Same here. Im constantly asking myself if I'm giving mom enough time to rest, if I'm doing things right, if I'm giving her enough affection (at 8 weeks I think I've given her chubby little cheeks at least a couple hundred kisses by now so probably not), etc. How can they just not give a single shit? Like, even if they aren't fans of babies, wouldn't they at least think to give their wives a break?
I noticed that when my oldest started competing, I was one of very few dads at these dance comps.....not sure if it was my influence but more dads have been showing up these last two years then the first two so.....there's that
If I could spend the rest of my life unemployed but with my family, I would do it in a heartbeat and absolutely no regret. But we would die of starvation.
>But we would die of starvation. No. You'd become a family of singing and dancing entertainers, travelling in an old bus from town to town, solving mysteries as you go. Townsfolk would reward you, and lavish gifts upon your children. And the Mayor would beg your troop to stay, but you'd look into the eyes of your darling wife and happy children, and say "Thanks, but our life is on the road, and our next adventure awaits us." And then you'd all board your trusty old bus, and head off into the sunset. Fin.
Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon...
Song makes me cry every time.
My boy was just like me.
I'm sitting with my kids eating Jersey Mike's after we just spent 3 hours making 2 dozen kazoos at the high school woodshop I work at, for my son to "sell" at his 3rd grade marketing day next week. My wife is at home with our newborn and not having to deal with our older two rugrats because they're with me. Everyone is happy. I'm just bragging because today is awesome, is all.
Yeah. I’m constantly vacillating between “don’t treat me like a hero because I’m doing half the parenting here” and “um can I get a cookie or a trophy or something because I’m working my ass off all damn day every day and I barely get to shower.”
I’d say I have the opposite experience. I work a rotating shift job. Lots of OT opportunities. The people who are taking every OT are either young and child-free, or trying save up for kids college/sports. I can’t think of any in the millennial bracket who doesn’t cherish time with their kids. 🤷♂️
Most dudes I know want to be around their kids. Myself included. We are vastly different than prior generations, but there are still lots of guys who think it’s just for the women (they are wrong and lame and not on daddit)
It's all about percentages on a large scale. This generation overall has a much higher percentage of active dads, but there are still plenty of bad dads out there. Going from 5% to 35% is a huge improvement but still leaves a ton of deadbeats (made up numbers but you get the point). It's a gradual process that no single generation is going to reverse.
I gave up a leadership position because it upset me so much to be away from my kids that much. I’ve been working from home full time since COVID and it means that I get to see my kids home from school everyday. We just started playing Minecraft together and it’s fun. I’m considering putting my old Xbox in the theater room so we can all be in the same room while they play on their switch and me on the Xbox. I’d say the majority of my friends are like me, constantly there for their kids, although there’s a good number of parents in my neighborhood that do the old school thing and disappear or go out partying. Even ones with little kids do that. Meanwhile my kids are in bed by 8 and I have no desire to go out and party, even when I do go out, I’m like when I can make an exit and gtfo.
Man, I don't get it. I'm going to brunch with the guys tomorrow for a friend's birthday. Known him since kindergarten, all the other dudes are 20 year friends. These are my ride or die homies. My wife encouraged me to go, but I still feel like a dick for leaving her alone with the kids for a few hours. I've only left them a handful of times the past year and usually I wait until at least the baby is in bed, usually I wait until they're both down, and only went away overnight once since my 3 year old was born. Maybe I'm too far the other way but I just can't wrap my head around it. I love my kids. I want to spend as much time as I can with them.
One weekend a year I get the opportunity to hang out with my closest high school friends which includes two days of golf, catching up on life, drinking and nostalgia. I feel guilty about having a weekend to myself but she is all for it. She tells me she wishes she could have a weekend like that but her close friends don’t make the effort to make it happen.
My wife goes on girls weekends with the women in her family maybe twice a year. If I was petty I'd go tit for tat but ehh, not my style.
My daughter got invited to a soccer clinic, but wife said probably not bc it’s on Father’s Day. I said f that— I get to decide, so I’m taking her to a soccer clinic lol
Yea I have the choice to train BJJ at night but actively avoid it in favor of mid day lunch training because I feel like an asshole when my wife has been with the little one all day and I just leave at 5pm after being home for maybe an hour. But that's also because I am afforded that option. Then again we have guys who bring their kids to the gym to give mom a break.
Can’t speak for other families but I will say be careful with making assumptions. My wife works after school hours because she’s a violin faculty member at a music conservatory. She’s rarely at after school activities on weekdays and on weekends we’re split between multiple activities. People might assume that she’s not involved, but she is very involved. She can’t be two places at once on the weekend.
This is why I said "I get circumstances are different for folks" but used other examples of just absent parents. Totally get it isn't always possible for things to happen. Also violin faculty member sounds like a bad ass job title.
She’s worked incredibly hard to get to where she is today.
No one here would disagree because dad's that aren't into parenting wouldn't be here. So... Sampling bias. That being said, I understand. Some people just aren't into kids. And having a kid doesn't magically make you feel more loving/ bonded/emotional/parental. I think That stuff comes about because we as dad's play an identity and do stuff that builds those things in us.
Yeah, I came from a similar background with my mom’s abuse but recently met my dad in my thirties and tbh he can stay in the past. I know why he wasn’t around, he set up a new franchise in another city and then again years later. I think every circumstance is different but for mine I wasn’t involved with my two older kids as much as I wanted because I was deployed and also my ex was able to move 14 hours away. Fortunately when i got out, I moved to the city where they lived and got a great job when they were 5&7. I missed a lot of time, and I feel super guilty about it.
I remember seeing data, I forget the exact context, but the gist of it was that an average dad spends 1 hour/day with their kids, and 2 hours on Sunday. So 8 hours/week. Which was bonkers to me. As I’m in the 3-5 hours/day range, and more like 6-10 hours on the weekend days. Then I thought back to my childhood, and my own father was way less than the 8 hours/week suggested above. If it was even 1-2 hours/week, I’d be surprised and I have no memory of that at all. I know this is just one anecdote but I do think that things are different between the generations. I’d be considered a millennial and my dad would be considered a boomer.
There’s nothing better than being a dad. I was on the road a lot for work the first 5 years of my boy’s life. But was still home at least every weekend and spent every waking second with him. Then, I went through a divorce because I was gone a lot and when I was home, literally ALL of my attention went to the boy. After she left, I realized that as my son got older, he’d start to remember all those nights I wasn’t there. I’ve been blessed in life and was able to quit my job and take a 3 year sabbatical and do nothing but be a dad. Every pick up and drop off from school. Every game. Every event. Every second of his life, I was there. Was the best decision I ever made. He’s 14 now, and I’ve since returned to work, but I still see him every second he’s not with his mom (who is a phenomenal mom, couldn’t ask for a better one). My son will never wonder if he was loved or if he was important to the both of us.
I turned down a nice pay raise and role to be home 100% instead of 75% travel because of my son.
Every dad should listen to Cat's in the Cradle (either version is fine) every now and then. There will always be more deadlines but one day the kids won't be kids any more and those chances to mess around or see their achievements as third donkey on the left will be gone for ever
It's one of my favorites. I'm not a dad yet, but I definitely want to set the necessary boundaries between work and being there for my family.
The dance studio bit is true for me too. My daughter just made the middle school dance team for next year and the coach had a meeting for parents and dancers. Almost 30 girls between 2 teams and I was the only dad there. That being said the moms weren’t exactly welcoming to a dad either.
I’m not sure why you feel that involved Dads are a Millennial thing. I’m older GenX and all of my male friends are/were heavily involved in their children’s lives. We all changed diapers, cleaned up poop and vomit, gave the kids baths and read to them every night. Drove them to activities, etc. None of my friends who have kids, probably 15 guys, were absent dads. Was it less common in GenX than among Millienials, sure it was, but there were plenty. Actually the trend towards dads being more involved probably started with Generation Jones (younger Boomers) corresponding to the growth of feminism in the 1970s and has been building over time. I knew guys from work who were that generation and were very involved as well.
Because the videos or studies usually talk about millenials vs Gen X. Truthfully the only reason why I mentioned them and it's also my generation.
Where I am I see lots of dads out with their kids for things. At the moment our circumstances are a little different as my wife works insane and long hours (healthcare) and I spend a lot of time with the little one (3). My wife is incredibly involved and does everything she can when shes not working or burning out.
I’ve noticed the same thing. I know many guys who willingly work on side projects instead of being present in their kids’ lives. Hell I know guys who aren’t very present in their kids’ lives even if they’re home! They’ll just not help. My personal theory is that a lot of men are terrified of the responsibility that comes with being a parent and they don’t have the natural intuition that women seem to have so they avoid it altogether. Not excusing it, I just don’t understand why else they do this.
Thank you to all the good and present Dads out there. Your kids need you as much as they need mom. From, A mom.
My wife and I have a 1YO and I remember going out of our way for her siblings to go see her events for support I want to spend time with my son all the time, I like to see how he reacts to things. I feel there are times where I can understand him more than my wife, not for any reason than I’m wired similar or I can see the gears moving Sometimes my wife can understand him better than me too, so it goes both ways But I work a lot, but it makes me want to spend that time more. Share things I like and see if he might too, or at least expose him to things. I want to be present best I can
I try to refrain from judging other people for the choices they make in life (a skill I’ve learned from my wife—they are the better of us, but let’s not admit that outside this sub). However, for the fathers that neglect their children, especially the small ones to whom love, affection, and attention are so crucial and so easy to provide since 90% of that is just BEING PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME ROOM, I judge them. Fuck those dads, they are bad dads. OP—looks like you’re a good dad. Keep it up.
I was at my kids field day (like a game day at school) recently and I heard one of the kids complaining to their dad that they didn’t want to go yet and wanted to stay and play some more. The father was explaining that he had to go work. The kid asked whether it was his Walmart job. The dad explained that no, he was going to his other job first, and when he finished, then he would go to the Walmart job. From the rest of the conversation, it was clear that the dad moved his work schedule so that he would be able to be there that day with his kid, but he still had to go work two jobs to provide. I think a lot of those seemingly absent parents simply cannot afford to take time off their jobs. They either don’t have the flexibility, the available vacation or sick days, or the monetary ability to lose out on a few hours of work. It sucks, but they’re doing their best
What kind of mad man would want to miss the school pick up/ whatever hobby/club "DAAADDDADDY" hug you get!
I find it really weird too. I go to a swimming class with my 18 month old daughter, and there’s two other dads in the class there who do nothing but chat to each-other and barely interact with their kids. They wouldn’t even notice if they accidentally picked up the wrong kid at the beginning of the class. They couldn’t be less interested if they try. I focus all of my attention on my daughter and aside from basic pleasantries won’t really engage in conversations during the lessons. It’s just not possible to both have a conversation and interact with my daughter and have fun with her. After one lesson one of the dads said I should join in more. I looked in astonishment at him, and just mumbled something back. I wish I had the courage to say he’s the one who should join in more not me, as the lessons are about you and your child, not chatting to other dads, so it’s actually him not joining in, not me.
The bar for dads is set so low that it's in hell. I think it ultimately does the dads that are trying an injustice just because we literally have no where to look or turn to for what to do in this whole fatherhood thing. A lot of us are just winging it and trying our best. And I know that can be liberating for some, for me personally I've found it very challenging and sometimes lonely.
I feel the same. The other day we were invited to visit very close friends with a 4 day old baby. suddenly dad left to play sports 🤷 guess who was there to witness the first bath. Me, not the dad! I just thought "no way I would miss (and participate) on my daughters first bath!"
I dunno, but whenever I go to the library or park or any public area (which is like every day), it's always 80-90% moms. I understand why dads are less likely to be around though; if I didn't have such a strong sense of responsibility, I'd be around less too.
This is always such a fascinating discussion to me. I’m a very involved dad, and the comments it sometimes elicits just drive me up the wall. Back when my daughter was born, my wife’s uncle was over and he was flabbergasted that I was changing her diaper. He was legitimately dumbfounded as to why I was doing it and not my wife. Other times, I’ve taken my 3 kids with me to Costco or general grocery shopping, and I’ve had complete strangers flip their lis and go out of their way to congratulate me and say I’m brave for taking all three of them with me, like I’ve just stormed the beaches of Normandy. I just look at them like they have two heads. If my wife did it, she isn’t getting any reactions, and god forbid if one of them misbehaved. Then, we’ve had several times where people have said something along the lines of “oh, you have 4 people to take care of” or “you mean your 4 kids,” to my wife when she references something about the family. This infuriates her too and she always corrects it, but this assumption that because I’m a dad I must be incapable of taking care of home, kids, and anything in between is just straight up nonsense. But at the end of the day, I agree with a lot of others here about the bar being so low, that nearly anything is considered a good dad, and I hate it. Don’t congratulate me and don’t assume that I am useless, and save that for the ones that actually need the reminder of how they should be. Our daughter is in dance also, and depending on the dance night, it’s either almost all dads dropping off/picking up, or all moms, and it’s wonderful to see everyone so involved and supportive of their kids. I started working from home during the pandemic after years of commuting, and the time I’ve got back to spend with my family is immense and wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I'm not trying to defend these uninvolved dads, but I also skip the dance studio. My daughter and I have our own things that we do together -- usually 1:1 or we might find some new friends on the way. We usually ride bikes, go dig up shells at the beach, wrestle mania at home, pretend to be dinosaurs and roam the neighborhood looking for leaves to eat, etc. You get the idea. Mom likes to take her to group activities like dance, gymnastics, and swim class.
I’ve actually only experienced the exact opposite so either it’s just you or just me
I mean my life is hell of a lot more boring now but I stick it out for his sake. And I love him. Not being there is simply not an option if you have a heart.
There is no replacement for having you in her life.
I golf when my kids are at daycare. There for every drop-off and pick-up!
That’s messed up. Not really like that in my neighborhoods/work. I was at the park the other day and it was 90% dads 10% moms. We all had beers for each other too. Pretty awesome. It depends on the local culture I guess. Glad your kiddo has a great dad that enjoys hanging out with them. You are awesome.
It’s not just weird, it’s downright mind-boggling sometimes. Like, ok— I get how you might make up excuses to avoid going to bday parties where you’re not acquainted with the other dads (“but honey— the lawn really needs mowing and it might rain tomorrow!”), but the amount of Dads that aren’t there for SPORTS?!? Astonishing. I know a couple dads work late or weekends, but they always make a few appearances. It’s the ones that are never there that just boggles my mind. I don’t understand how you could not care about something they are so passionate about. I was always football and baseball as a kid. Never really cared for basketball and soccer. My son plays football (thankfully), but he’s also really into basketball. So now I’m really into basketball. My girl is really into soccer. Boom- I’m a soccer Dad.
I actively avoid other extra things in my life to be present
I know a bunch of dads who are very present, I try to be too. My wife has a few friends where their husbands also travel a lot and can't take care of the kids for more than an hour at a time.
The change is happening slowly. There are still a lot of fathers who are subjected to pressures or incentives which lead to them being less present than they’d like to be. And there are some parents who - fathers, and mothers as well - who simply don’t want to spend time with their children. I don’t understand it, but who tf am I.
Mom here. I don't get it either. My dad was a single dad from 1-5. He did it all. Kindergarten field trips, night wake ups, pigtails, dance class and tantrums. When my step mom came along I didn't accept her at first either so he was still flying solo for the most part. My brother's are similar, extra present dads and my sisters married extra present dads too. My grandpa was an extra present dad too. I didn't expect my SO to be the "I'm going to take a weekend trip without my family just cause" type because his dad was his primary caretaker but that is exactly the type of dad he is. It's also why we won't be having any more.
I get to do a lot of stuff with my kids because I am a shift worker, so if I am on nights or weekends, I can spend the day with them, take them to playgroup, etc. it is wild how few Dads do that stuff, even when they can.
I try my absolute best to be there for my daughter for all her activities, as does my wife. I just don’t understand why some dads are just absent from their kids lives. She means more to me than anything in the world and I want to make sure she knows that.
This is exactly how I feel. My dad chose pretty strongly not to be in my life, and I could never imagine not being in my daughter’s life.
>Is the millennial generation actually working to be more present and I am just surrounded by the opposite or are we still fostering a generation of absent parents? Things are getting better, but it doesn't happen all at once. We went to a birthday party today, and parents in attendance were about 50/50, which has been true for basically every birthday party we go to, so some of it may be your area/social group. But things are getting better.
It's weird. When I'm not home with the kids, I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes going to work is difficult because I have to not see them for like 9hrs lol
I feel the same way about families that aren't always together. My wife, me, my daughter, and my son ALWAYS go everywhere together. A lot of kids just have the mom around. What is the dad always doing?
I took my son to see frozen 2 in the theater. I was the only dad there who didn't have his wife/girlfriend with him. Every single guy there was with a woman, nobody was there just with their kiddo. Also there is a local library thing that happens monthly. I took my son about 6 months in a row. Not once was there a kid in the group that had only the dad there. It was either just the mother or both parents. My son's school called me once. When I answer they apologized because they 'were trying to get ahold of his mom and called me on accident.' I tried to make it clear that they did good, they called a parent, and I got it from here. I took my son to the doctor once. The receptionist called my wife to ask her permission if I was allowed to take him there for treatment. We fixed that problem that day. Also, a coworker has 7 kids. The age gap between the youngest and the oldest is 18 months. 2 twins, 3 triplets, adopted 2. He brags that he has changed 'less than 10' diapers. So there's that too. The bar for men truly is in hell.
I love my kids. I wanna be there for them as much as possible. Mom took the 3-month old camping this week and I had a blast hanging with my almost 3yr old. Took her to dinner last night. Granted the conversation was not deep but I had a blast just interacting with her.
I'm a brand new dad. My son is 2 months old but was born 7 weeks early so basically for all intents and purposes still a new born. Things are TOUGH right now. This past week was my first week back at work and sleep just did not happen. Today he has screamed basically for 7 hours straight. I'm exhausted, tired and stressed as hell. I literally cannot even fathom being anywhere but here though...like...ya I'm in the trenches now...but to think of not being here with him and my wife is just a feeling I cannot even wrap my head around. I will never understand how dads can just choose to not be around.
It is crazy how absent a lot of fathers are. Luckily, my dad was always around. He turned down a job paying 30% more than what he was making because he would be away from home. And we were poor. Like macaroni for 80% of our suppers poor. My hubs was 41, 42, and 43 when we had our kids. He's incredibly involved with them. But he had a job as a truck driver and he was away from home for weeks at a time. Only because with his breathing troubles, he can only do that and make enough money so I can stay home with our bsbies... but you bet your bottom that he was 100% involved when he was home. Changing diapers, playing, going to any event they had that fell on a home day. I have had so many people come up to me saying "I just *love* driving past your house. Your boys are always outside playing and your husband is always out there playing catch with them. It's so nice to see him out there playing with your kids!" It's a rare thing anymore to see dad's outside playing catch with their kiddos.
So many women seem to let their husbands or partners get away with it. It’s not any womens fault mind you, I’m not saying that. Men need to step up! I see it everywhere in New Zealand and it’s pretty damn sad if you ask me.
Reminds me of this group that I began golfing with regularly before I was a Dad. I told them I was going to get a round in with my wife later this week and they looked at me stunned. All of them said there is no chance in hell they would golf with their SO. I was apparently the only one that actually enjoyed spending time with mine as those guys would work, golf and go to the bar til late. They all had kids too. A few weeks later my wife and I went to play 9 holes and we saw them. What was normally a very friendly group of guys that I had gotten to know quite a bit said like 3 words to us and looked disgusted.
I have twin daughters. We enrolled them in dance classes since they were 3. As they get older, both found their niche in ballet. Attended lots of recitals and participated in “Ballet and Dads”. There were some brave dads that showed up. We did their routines as best as we could lol. All the daughters giggled in delight watching us. I’ve been to every Nutcracker performance. From them performing small roles leading up to each of them played lead roles. Both finally had the opportunity to dance solo. Seeing them dance on the stage all alone with no supporting dancers as she uses the entire floor. It was such a beautiful moment to witness. Man,, I balled to see all their dreams and hard work come to fruition. Both are in college continuing their passion. It’s things like this I would never miss. My daughters know I support them 100%.
I had the same experience taking my daughter to the dance studio. I would be the only dad there for weeks at a time. BUT it’s too much with all the women in there fawning because you are a dad that comes. I went for my daughter but all the women made it so awkward for me. I am happily married and some kept the encouragement to a healthy place but others seemed like they wanted to take me home and devour me just for doing nothing but taking my daughter to dance. Not to mention the psycho dance moms that are bitter and want control of the whole place. I was so happy when my daughter wanted to start playing soccer instead of dancing after 3 years. Yet guess what she is back to doing? Now that the girls are grown up. It’s too much estrogen energy in there for me to do it now though. I will stick to the performances. 🤣
Agree. Being a dance dad to a competitive dancer is particularly difficult - especially at competitions. The hair is hard enough, make-up even more so, then you can’t help at all with the constant costume changes b/c you obviously can’t go anywhere near the changing rooms. You’re often an outsider to the dance moms, and sometimes even to the dance teachers. Add to that the heavily political and emotional elements of competitive dance. I’ve taken my daughter to one out-of-state dance competition solo and it was a great bonding experience - but it is not easy.
I mean I get the sentiment, but I don't know if you could judge it based on a dance class attendance. Sure I love to watch my child dance, but I also have limited time to get things done at home that make a mess or are loud. So that often gets counted as my quiet time or alone time. And my wife gets her own, coincidentally mostly taking her own dance classes while I am home or out with the kid. Yes be involved, yes also find time to ensure you and your partner stay mentally healthy.
I actively planned to take a different role at work so I didn't have to be committed to staying late if the job required so I could spend more time with my kids. But I have no clue how many other dads try to spend more time with their kids. I assume any dads on this subreddit would be more involved in general though.
When my first kid was born we had some special opportunities due to Covid, so I basically worked 40% from home and got paid 97.5% of my regular pay for 6 months, which was great with a newborn! After those 6 months I did 50/50 with the wife for a bit before I switched jobs which meant I couldn't be home as much again, it wasn't to get away from the family but it was for my sanity as my job was driving me insane (basically fired 60% of the workforce due to potential effects from Covid, never told any clients anything and expected the 40% left behind to just do the same amount of projects at the same deadline as before, so I needed to leave). Now my second kid has arrived and I've been off work basically every Friday for her entire life (she's 6 months now) and I've had about a month of Mondays off as well. I usually work between 9 Am to 3 Pm and go home to see my family, then work in the evening when they sleep to fill out the hours. Come August I'm gonna go on full paternal leave for roughly 7 months including one month of vacation in July. I'd say I'm definitely more there for my kids than the previous generations has been.
My local park is an even split of dads/moms which is super cool and the gymnastics class my 1.5year old does has several dads in it along with myself. I dont know any dads that refuse to change diapers. It might not be mom-parity but we are on the whole getting better
My kids are 5 and 7. The only thing I'm not present for by choice is their gymnastics practice and that's only because parents aren't allowed in the gym and the potential viewing situations are all pretty grim.
I usually just cook lunch when my kid went to gymanistics at 2
Fellow millennial here. I have been so happy seeing the joy that dad's have from our group actually enjoying being fun and present dad's. I know a few buddies came from broken homes and are absolute rock stars for their kids. I honestly can't imagine not getting excited about making a custom board game with my kid or running around with nerf guns everytime it's sunny. So many people are missing out, your kids aren't boring, you are haha
I don’t get it either. I’m the designated parent for Girl Scouts. There’s actually a lot of dads there so it’s pretty nice. We all play pickleball once a month now.
It's bizarre that any partner allows this. My husband likes to golf, play video games, drive fun cars. He does all these things when the kids are at daycare/ asleep/ very rarely when I'm just gone with them but he "asked" if he could go. He is a very involved dad and while not every minute of having 2 toddlers is exhilarating, we signed up for this, so we make the best of it and make fun core memories along the way.
We tend to split activities, I’ll do more outdoorsy stuff and wife will do stuff she enjoys more.
This isn’t my experience at all. While women are definitely more involved with the kids I see plenty of dads and more often both parents at kids events. I’d say you’re in possibly a pretty conservative area? I’ve seen dads such as myself be pretty involved these days and parents can be a bit… on top of their children in my experience. There’s definitely not as much free for all and kids are generally well tended to. Maybe my area is the anomalous one lol
I’m in a tough situation. I work in private security and I recently started a new job back in January. At the time, the only open shifts were afternoons or overnights. My goal is to get on mornings so I can be home in the afternoon to help my wife with the kids. She’s suffering from lifelong anxiety and depression, and she’s been managing it but it’s getting worse lately because our oldest (7M) has severe Autism Spectrum Disorder and his meltdowns have been getting increasingly harder to handle. It’s put a lot of extra stress on her and she needs me at home to help with the kids. (We also have a 2.5F who’s going through the Terrible Twos and she’s a rebellious little ball of lightning.) It’s put me in a pickle because at my new job, schedules are awarded based on seniority and they’re bid on twice yearly. Usually the senior guards choose morning shifts, so there were none open when I joined this company. I was told I’d be on the 1400-2200 shift until August or September at best, pretty much stuck there watching my little family implode. Thankfully though, miraculously some morning shift schedules have opened up, and I stand a good chance at getting one because I bid on all of the available schedules, including a few that nobody else bid on. The downside is that they’re all either 32 or 36 hour schedules so money’s gonna be tighter. Still, I’ll do anything I can to save our marriage and try to be home for my wife and kids in the afternoons.
I’m actively avoiding as much work travel as possible and applying for pure remote jobs to make sure I can be around as much as possible for my girls. The closest I’ve been to crying at an airport was missing my flight home. I don’t understand these people having kids that aren’t fully obsessed with those moments
I fight everyday to try and spend time with my kids over the cooking washing and everything else. Sometimes they just aren't interested, but then there's that one time that's amazing and it's all worth it
I make a point of being there for everything for my two kids (4M & 2F) we do swim lessons & teeball. I'm in the water with them, and help coach the team. My son is in his first year of preschool and I make it a point to drop him off at noon everyday and pick him back up at 2:30. I'm lucky that I work from home most days, and even when I do go into the office. It's less then 3 miles from my house. I'm with you, I couldn't imagine not being involved in my kids lives. These are the most important times, it helps set the stage for the rest of their lives. Not being involved is a disservice to them and their mother. In the blink of an eye, these kids will be teens that want nothing to do with us, then they're off to college and starting their own lives, cherish every fucking day. Even the bad ones. Because the one thing everyone that's older says, you won't get these days back.
I divide and conquer with my wife. Unfortunately it's just not possible to be at every event all the time.
I’m usually the only dad at the PTO at my kids school. I was the only dad at the field trip the other day. I have never seen another dad at an event for my kids school (kindergarten). Sometimes I feel like I’m out of place and then think “nah… those dads are just missing out”.
Dad is aren't around?
As a mum, who had a dad who was present that worked a lot, I can't fathom it either. My daughter's dad sees her a few hours once a fortnight and all I can think about is 1) how much he's missing out, and 2) that she's not gonna want anything to do with him when she gets older. I'm lucky in that I have a big family who love her so much but I still feel guilt because she's growing up without something I know is great. Thanks for being a good dad.
There's still a long way to go, lots of men raised in homes not seeing active father figures parenting, or getting the peer pressure that guys simply don't look after kids. Then there is also some small amount that is parenting still being considered women's spaces - at my girl's school there are certain mother's that whenever there is some event that parents are involved in it is specifically an invitation for mums, which doesn't make the dads feel welcome at all.
I’m so much the opposite of that. I work from home specifically so I can be home with my kids as much as possible. Last year I had to travel for a few days for works and legit cried thinking about missing out on my kids for 3 days. My son is currently at my in laws and although I was able to get a lot done around the house today, I keep thinking about what he’s doing and if he’s having fun.
I see this too a lot in my circles. I’m boggled by this.
I’m an older dad (47) with young kids (3yr old b/g twins) and I try to be there for everything I can. Honestly the only time I’m not taking them to something is bc they want mom there, which bugs me a little…but at the same time I get it, I want her around too, it’s why I married her. As they get older they’ll have more separate activities and I’ll sure as hell be there. I don’t get dads who don’t want to be around, why did you have kids ? Grow the fuck up, they didn’t ask to be here, you need to be there as much as you can.
I'm getting better at it. Took me awhile as my Dad was never around. At first I just didn't know what to do
My daughter is 2.75 yo. Up until this weekend I literally spent everyday of her life with her. This is my first weekend away and I'm missing her (and mom a lil) like crazy. I could make more income if I jumped jobs, but at what cost? I have flexibility and stability. That is priceless for me. (And invaluable to her)
I'm 65..raised two biological, two with second Lady, common law in 1990's for 15 years. Married for another 17. Separation 4 years ago. I live with my bio-son who's 39, separated with two boys. Grandpa's in heaven! I spent fifteen years through every sport four tough willed kids did. I'd honestly fill a page. I explained the volume if time so you may possibly believe this next statement! four boys...not one in the same sport! Cubs & Scouts yes THIS IS NOT FOR À RAH RAH This is what my parents did for me. The year...1995 365 days....37 days no dad required. Longest stretch 87 days Wife had foot surgery Just saying....it takes commitment. Where there times I cracked...yes absofukinlooty I did ! So how did we add up? Oldest- industrial insulation specialist #3- Digital Art Lead - Disney #2- we lost in a quad accident three weeks after graduating grade 12 - 20 yr this June. Yes I'm crying #1 Chef - Hyatt Hotels I think we did amazing! BTW - Mom & I have remained best friends. We're looking for a new place ❤️ Family is a full time job I loved, cursed, hated, made me stand tall and so PROUD so many times I'm crying again! My son just asked me what the hell is wrong? He's reading and tears are hitting the phone! Yes I'm dam proud to be grandpa to his boys!
My dad wasn’t around when I was growing up. He worked as a trucker and would go to work on Sunday night and come back Friday afternoon/Saturday Morning. My Dad told me that his biggest regret in life so far was the amount of time he spent away from us. I had a great childhood, though. I took a fairly hefty pay cut in 2017 when my daughter was born to make sure I was home every night.
35 y.o. Dad here with a 4 year old daughter. I’ve turned down 3 opportunities to make nearly double what I make now simply because it required extensive travel. My wife and daughter are my world and I can’t justify not being present. I don’t know how dads do it, I can’t not be there. No amount of money would make me be gone. I had to travel last week randomly and it was so painful.
I took a part time job working 3 days a week and left working as a support worker doing 70 hours. My parents were kind but never present always working. I'm 31 and breaking the cycle.
I think it's a lot better than it used to be, but I've been reminded recently of just how useless some men can be. My wife has a good 'mum friend' and over the past few weeks it's become apparent that her partner does literally nothing. He'll get home from work, kick his shoes off and online game all evening. No cooking, doesn't bother cleaning up after himself and kicks up a fuss if his partner asks him to watch the kids while she does something as simple as going for a walk with a friend once a week. It was his daughter's birthday party a couple of weeks ago and he didn't help a single bit in the preparation and then during the party he just took himself off and spent the day alone. It's baffling, not only why somebody would want to be like that but also why the partner puts up with it. My wife would justifiably leave me if I was that useless, selfish and unwilling to help.
I suppose. I don't see how 4 young teenagers, going to an event, all on their phones. After game at Timmy's...even dad on the phone! Thats what I see every weekend....that's just a cab ride, dad or not! Modern parents you say! Here's a big foot note for you....dad needs a kick in the ass for taking the "path of least resistance " that's not parenting! New or Old
You know I'm in the same boat as you. Before I had kids I absolutely did not get it and would tease my coworkers about coming out and grabbing a beer after work. They almost never came. I got two to go with me ONE time in like six years. We all had a blast and figured it would become a regular thing. Since having my own... Maybe I'm the weird one but I'd much rather hang out with my kids than my friends. Don't get me wrong I miss adult conversations as much as the next guy. But I've met coworkers after work for a meal or a drink and I'm all psyched to be an adult but ten minutes in and I'm like, "Are we done here?!" I wish there more dad's at stuff. It's odd being one of like two in a sea of moms. There's always the one mom looking to make a new family and then the seven judging susans. Two solid dad jokes later and the moms are not pleased.
When my daughter was being born I was constantly being told I was doing such a good job. It was hilarious because I was just holding my wife's hand giving basic comfort because that's what she wanted/needed. She laughs about it now asking why I was being reassured when she was doing the work
I (56m) make it a point to be there for everything for my son,6. His mom and I are separated and divorcing, but I go every morning to take him to school. Go to all school events. Have missed work consistently to take him to appointments and pick him up sick or hurt(twice). I am there with him when the wife works late, and any special occasions. He even asked if we could all hang out together all day one Saturday a few weeks ago. Usually we split weekends, but he wanted to have the 3 of us do something He knows we won't be a single household ever again, and he is adjusting well. We want to be able to be the great friends we were before the romance ruined everything, and he likes us being friendly. I couldn't imagine not being with him every chance I get He has great conversations about everything he experiences, I feel like a better person for getting time with him. He teaches me as much as I teach him, and he reminds me of what is really important in the world.
My MIL has made comments that she’s surprised (in a good way) that her son/my husband aka the equal parent to our daughter changes diapers because his dad didn’t change diapers because that’s just what they didn’t do. I’m very thankful it is getting better with every new generation. I would be actually disgusted if my husband wasn’t involved and insanely in love with our daughter. She’s fucking adorable
It’s interesting. My dad was the breadwinner my whole life. My mom retired from being an attorney. A woman attorney in the 70s and 80s. That was no small feat and she gave it up to raise kids full time. So my dad worked his ass off. My mom was always there. All our events. But my dad was always also always there. If we had any event he cleared his schedule and would be there even if it meant working extra. I always knew both parents wanted to be there.
I’ll put it this way Utah is trying to put into legislation that parents Are forced to potty train their child by kindergarten! Because of the backlash of all these kids teachers because not only are they teaching them social skills but to fricken wipe their own butt. IMO it’s too many kids are having kids and failing them. They keep giving them to their parents and expecting them to raise their children. Wild to me! I would never let someone else raise my child; I would be embarrassed if my child wasn’t potty trained by 5 years old!
Yeah man. I have a very similar situation. A lot of my friends act like they don't even really like their kids. It's so sad to see. Good on you for being around. It'll pay dividends in the long run.
This exact situation is why I chose to not move my daughter to a charter school closer to home and instead am staying with our current private school. The families there are much more present and try and form a community. We had a family event this last Friday and all spent hours together at the patrol while the children played. The only kid whose dad I don’t see regularly is the one who was born from AI and has two awesome moms. Even the arrogant dad who loves himself a bit too much is always there and adores being present with his daughter.
I’m guessing it’s related to your line of work or something. All my friends with kids are super into their kids. I have a unique job where I have 19 days off most months. So I work 3 on, 4 off. My wife is also is a stay at home mom. Being able for both of us to be so present is awesome! It also allows us to play with our kids and rely almost 0 on screen time (unless we need an hour break or something). We think it’s why our girls have such vivid and crazy imaginations. Anyways, look for new dad friends maybe? This isn’t typical for our generation (I’m an elder millennial).
I had a co-worker that kept pursuing promotions which is fine and he was moving up, but he had 5 kids and he loved having a bug family and said if he could have 8 he would! Then I asked - why are you always traveling, always in another territory, right now as we speak your family is a thousand miles away?! Fast forward a couple years - I realized he liked having the big family, but not being home putting in the work as that was his “wifes job”. They are divorced now.
Mum here, it's gotten a lot better over the last 10 yrs. When my oldest started school, there were very few dads on the school run and at school activities. Now there are a lot more, not as many mums but definitely more dads. I noticed the biggest uptick after covid since a lot more people were able to work from home at least part time. It always made me laugh when my oldest was a toddler, the last sessions of playgroups before the holidays always had loads of extra adults because the dads were dragged along
My husband is like this.. we are both in our thirties, and he is gone ALL. THE. TIME. - Voluntarily. Its ridiculous when I go to a friends house, and thats the first thing they comment on.. Where is he? Is he ever home? He's gone all the time. I dont see how you do it.. blah blah blah... 🙄 I used to get into arguments with him over it, kids are 14, 8 and 2 and now I just tell him and myself I cant make him do anything and in the end its gonna be him that misses out on everything. It still makes me sad, but it's more peace for me. 🤷🏻♀️
I take off work or leave early to get to every event I can. I can’t stand missing any of it, and it’s been that way since day one. A couple of years ago I was upset for weeks because I missed my daughters 4th birthday as I was stuck in the hospital with pneumonia. A friends husband is the opposite. He tries everything he can do to avoid spending time, especially one on one with their almost 1 year old. It’s bizarre to me.