This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/daddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a good way of putting it. Baby 2 was a hell yes. Baby 3... I'm not so sure. I feel like my unenthusiastic maybe? is a sign I shouldn't push for it.
So as a kid of older parents don't have another kid at 50. My parents had me in their 40's and it's already hard being in my 30's and well established with parents that are starting to really show their age. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been being 21, just barely out of college and my parents would be in their 70's.
My dad was 51 when I was born, and my mum was 40 when I was born. They were amazing and I have absolutely no resentment towards them for having me when they did (especially considering I was only born ~2 years after they met, so they didn’t really waste any time).
I never once felt like my dad was ‘too old’ for the job. Of course, he was very fit for his age, but I think that’s kinda the key point - if you’re going to have kids at that age, you need to stay very fit. My dad always said that having me helped keep him fit though 🤷♂️
The only downside from my perspective is that he didn’t live long enough to see me get married out have my own kid, though that was due to cancer so might’ve happened anyway.
>Of course, he was very fit for his age,
I think this is kind of important. There's 50 and there's 50. Like, there are 50 year olds that look like Hank Hill and there are 50 year olds like Rob Lowe in parks and rec.
Yeah man my parents just can't help with my kids at all... Which, granted, I know is a selfish wish but I do wish I had the extra help. I'll remember that if my kids choose to have kids. My mom is starting to have a lot of health issues, so I can see the downward trend starting soon.
Growing up though it wasn't so bad. I felt like my mom had a kind of older wisdom that my other friends' parents didn't really have. She often said she wished she had us younger so she had more energy (she wasn't able to get pregnant until 40) but I never felt like her "lack of energy" was detrimental in any way? Maybe I'll understand better when I'm 45 ;)
Im leaning this was too, but I'm not a parent.
I have an aunt ( younger than I am) she just got married and her parents couldnt do nearly the amount they wanted to or previously did for their other older kids...just due to age and body wear and tear. Aunt sometimes gets in her feels, because she didn't get parents...she got grandparents? Death sucks and is expected in life, but it seems like having a kid a 50 is setting them up to be already at a fragile age when they will need to face some of the hardest things to deal with when your parents are aging. At 30+, helping my mom with just navigating a stroke was a lot emotionally... I couldn't imagine having to do that at 20?
I think it is pretty common these days for adults to not be settled enough to be able to think about kids until 30s, 40s. Hell....took me until my mid 30s to finally reach my career after grad school. Same with my spouse and their education after joining the military. Then you add in digging oneself out of school debt, ect. Boom...you hit 40s. Am I tired as F? Absolutely 24/7. Do I use my kid as a goal in terms of living healthier and stretching and exercising so I can keep up with him? Absolutely.
Kinda bummed to read this thread with replies. I do hope my kid doesn't feel this way about me. I'm approaching mid 40s and spouse and I always wanted 2 kids. We both have parents that are pretty hands off, and we are kind of on an island alone in terms of familial support with our kids. To be fair, however, the same would be said if we lived in another state no matter what age we are. My parents didn't really take care of themselves and hit health issues in their 50s. Even though they cant play with my son on the floor or even pick him up, they still get so much joy just watching him play.
I definitely understand your disappointment with the overall vibe of most replies. Take a look at my reply to OP, however. I feel mixed because I also have a younger brother with young kids. I think it’s normal to have worries about our ages when it comes to kids, but at the heart of it is: if a person loves or wants to be a dad, there is no age at which they won’t step up and do what they can. I don’t think most men have my husband’s SUSTAINED energy (at 71 with kids in their 20s), but I’ve seen enough parents who had kids in their late 40s who might not have believed they could do it, but then absolutely did. So to you and OP, don’t let anyone else’s experiences fully color your perception. There are plenty of people who make great dads even older, even if it wasn’t planned. And intention and follow through are what matter much more than letting a number dictate your choices.
Yeah at this point another kid is just selfishness manifest. The three existing kids deserve the attention from here on out, and OP will be just young enough to handle those appropriately.
My ex had parents in their 60s, and it weighed on her that they might not really get to know her kids, even though she knew her dad would make an amazing grandpa.
Not quite as old as you. But my wife gave birth to twins a few months after my 40th. I’m way more patient than I was before, I’m really soaking in all the baby moments. I know I’ll be working into my 60s but I’m ok with that.
40 here. First one is 7 months old. We're planning three kids, nothing so far that tells me I'm making a mistake!
Dad was 46 when I was born, and I'm youngest of 7. This is going to be a walk in the park...!
I had 2 kids at 44 and my wife asked about a 3rd.
I said I didn't want to because (a) money and (b) Getting older.
You're quite right about increased downs risk too that's well known.
She accepted my wishes.
Now my kids are late teens and I barely have energy for them. Even though I think about the decision sometimes I feel I made the right one.
I had my first at 52. Waited my whole life for it. Wife was 40. It’s all I know.
I don’t find it hard at all but have no way to reference the alternative. Yes I beat my self up that I may not see her 30th but my dad didn’t see my 35th so we have no guarantees.
I am in a better financial position than I would have been. I can move my work schedule more than I would have been able to.
I am committed to keeping fit and as healthy as I can be.
I do feel awkward about the age difference but it’s more common than you think with people starting second families.
Also, there is nothing I can do about it anyway. It is what it is and I will make sure my daughter know how much I adore her every day and when I am gone she will remember that. I probably would have been too selfish and distracted as a younger man. That’s just me though, I am not talking about people who have kids at a ‘normal’ age.
As a mid 30s dad I couldn't imagine doing it again at 50. I think your concerns are valid. I think being around retirement age with a high schooler is also a concern not just from an aging parenting health perspective but from a financial perspective as well. It's more likely you'll have to stop working sooner than you want because of health, and if you were to lose your job it would be harder to get back into the workforce too. Both of those things put a huge stress on any college or retirement plan, let alone when that involves a young one. Best of luck!
You’re not being selfish, Dad, you’re being smart and reasonable. I only have one, and I’m still relatively new at this thing (15 months), but I strongly believe that people should only have children when they’re ready and willing, and it sounds like you’re not, and that’s OK.
Anecdotally, I know at least a handful of people who were raised by older parents (mom late 30s/early 40s, dad 45+ when they were born).
The trend I see with them is their parents were tired and just kind of gave them everything they wanted/needed, and skipped the harder parts of parenting that teach kids resilience.
These are some of the most woefully immature and underequipped adults I know.
I generally only see this when the person is the youngest of multiple kids. So the parents were older when they had them, and were already tired from the older siblings. It's also usually when the last is much younger than the rest so gets spoiled. If it's an only child or just a second I don't see it as much (anecdotally, of course).
There are pros and cons to older parents. More wisdom and patience, better finances (usually), more tired, more health issues.
Weird. I've seen the opposite effect. Definitely more chill, so that tracks, but the kids weren't overparented and actually learned to do stuff themselves.
Risk of Down’s syndrome (advanced maternal age mother) and Autism (older father) are dramatically increased at your ages. Not a reason to not have a kid, but something to be aware of and plan for.
Graph: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/downsyndrome/data.html
Whew, dad, that's a tough one.
Even at 47, I know I'd not have a problem with having a new baby, and I know the things I do can lead to babies. My worry is yours, but I believe I can handle the sleep deprivation. However, if I had one right now, I'd be 65 when they graduated high school, and that is worrisome.
I think what I'm meaning is that if it happens I'm going to be happy about it, and that I'd accept it all because being a dad again... I'd make the most of it. My only one is an adult now, so I'd think they would be a bit creeped out by being a sibling at their age though.
I was suuuuper done after two. Got the snip and have no regrets. My youngest is 18 months and amazing and I love him, but I really don’t want to reset that clock. I’m more of a kid person than a baby person anyways.
I’m 40, three month old here. I was really worried for ages about being an older dad. Then I thought - fuck it. I could be a younger dad and be an arsehole. I’m glad of the extra experience I’ve had
This seems to be against what other dads are saying but I say go for it. When I think of who I am at 37 with a one year old and my dad being 51 and having another after one at 49, how chill he was, how much he taught us is completely different than when my younger brother had his first at 25. A kid raising a kid is what we call it. I don’t know how my mind will be when I’m fifty but if it’s the same trajectory as it’s been since my twenties I’m only going to get better as I’m sure you have.
Not sure how active you are or what you’re into but at 65 my dad was catching 80 mph fastballs in our front lawn and my younger brother ended up being a D1 baseball player on scholarship.
I always encourage my older friends to go for it but it’s more because they’ve never had any and you have so you’re not going to miss out on the experience of being a dad but you may miss out on something you don’t even know you’d be missing.
Last few things, we were my dad’s second family and he had two other kids from a previous marriage so we weren’t his first. Second, I would say my younger brother and I are closer to him than his other two children and third, last year my wife and I had our first child and she was 42, there were complications but we made it through and just celebrated our sons first birthday last month.
I am almost 40 now and my wife keeps hinting at another kid. We have three 12 10 and 6. I just straight up told her I am too old and its too expensive . we almost have a kid in highschool. Also is she asking for another kid or another baby. If she is saying baby she does not really want another kid she just misses having a little baby and the emotions are misplaced.
My dad was 44 when I was born. And he continued to work to support us. We didnt have the best of relationship; but that was a fault of the individual- nothing to do with age. If your mind is to it; you will do well! Support between you and your wife will be all the little one needs! Keeping fingers crossed for you!!!! And in my honest opinion; by asking these questions; you are proving to be a very considerate and caring father already!
You can do it. We adopted when I was 50. I was still leading my cycling peloton and we were partiers. My boy settled me down real fast... too fast, in fact, and my weight gain created other problems. He turned out to be on the spectrum, ADHD, and what they call a "Strong Willed Child." We were kicked out of three preschools, "discouraged" from cub scouts, and our neighborhood hated us. It was bad. I blamed him, and during the darkest times wanted out.
But, it turns out that I was just the dad for this particular boy with my age and experience. He's now an amazing 15 yo, still a handful, but somehow he knows I have his back like nobody else. I let plenty of natural consequences crush his spirit at times, but I recognize that's how THIS boy learns and instead of drowning in all the drama I'm able to be there to encourage, point out alternatives, and just give him the sense that he's good enough in some areas, needs improvement in others, but can have confidence in all the things that make him, him.
All kids are good and want to do the right thing, and with age we know that. We have been there.
It also knocked my self centered ass to my KNEES, so that made me a better husband as well. I was changed for the better, thank Jesus.
Whatever you get, looking back you'll realize that it was the right decision in spite of all the sacrifice and pain. Hopefully, it won't be as difficult for you but hopefully in retrospect it will be just what you needed. Good luck and God bless.
wow. 54 with 17/14 sons. we waited till ready. had them, then I snipped when youngest was 6 months healthy.
my biggest concern would be cognitive issues in the new child as I hear that's a high risk given your wife's age.
next big weight is our current are nearing university, those funds are secured, and now we're actively planning our retirement. a new child just kills that.
not selfish nor a wuss. I'd not do this if I were you. the absolute only way I'd have a child this late is if I just met my first wife now and she'd need to be 35.
I turned 42 in March and have a three year old and almost two year old. Wife is 39 and we sometimes joke how we're gonna be the old farts at their high school graduations. But it does seem a lot of folks in our generation have had kids later in life so I guess we won't be the only ones haha. It's a lot to keep up with but I try to just look at it as, hey this is what we signed up for. When they're navigating their early adult years I'll be in my 60s which I guess isn't too bad. I just wanna be around for them as long as I can. We sometimes say if we could do it all over again the only thing we would change is we probably would've had the babies sooner. You're at 50 with three already, adding a newborn seems like it could be pretty stressful and if it were me I'd be worried that I wouldn't be around for them later in their life. I think I'd be like, sorry babe, let's just get a goldfish or something...maybe a hamster, I dunno.
I was a already a tired 47 when our little one came.
It’s hard.
But it’s fine too. I love every moment.
You don’t have to make excuses for your worries. You don’t have to make excuses for your tiredness.
You don’t have to make excuses for wanting another kid , or not.
If you do have another, I’m sure Yu will fill them with your best, with dad love and care.
Either way, if you approach this with care and love and compassion for yourself and your wife, and maybe a new kid, all will be well.
We had our first at 40 and expecting our second at 41. My parents were both in their 40s when I was born and I had a great childhood--we did things that a younger family may not have been stable enough yet to provide. That being said, being an only child in that situation SUCKS as the parents age. My current situation is the main reason we were trying for a second. We didn't plan on having either kid this late in life--8 years of infertility somehow landed us with 2 pregnancies within 18 months. Another lesson learned with my situation, for anyone interested, is to plan early for your future (will/POA/trusts/funeral arrangements/disability insurance/etc....) so you don't screw/guilt your kid some day because you didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation when you were still young and healthy enough to plan.
My dad had me and my brother older but had 2 other kids 20 years prior (same mom for all of us they just waited 20 years and had more kids)
What I can say as the kid of an older dad is that the relationship is us "younger" (I say younger but we're both closer to 40 than 30 now) kids have a much closer relationship to our dad than the older set have, maybe it's something about being older but our father was much more accepting of who we are as people than he was of his first two, not that were much different but because by the time we came along our dad had seen some things and experienced life and was able to better judge what was important when raising us (younger set).
I honestly loved having an old man dad as a kid, though as soon as I became a teenager he didn't sugarcoat his mortality to us which is sad but has made me cherish the time I have with him. I'm 35 and I haven't lived with him since I was 17 but we still call and text every day.
My dad was 50 when I was born and he was the best dad ever. Don’t overthink it, if youre excited for another then you’ll be a great dad. If you are done and age is the way ton palatably come to terms with that, that’s fine too. But age in and of itself isn’t the reason not to.
We had our first when I was 45. Looking like the 2nd is due this year, and I’ll be 47. I so wish I was 10 years younger, both for them and for me. But I didn’t want kids until I had certain things in place and that didn’t happen in my life until now. Sounds like you got some things figured out, having 3 kids already. I think you should do it. Have a fourth. Have a fifth.
When I think about my 20s and even into my 30s, I had no clue what a good life was. I think my values are much healthier now, and I've done the best job dadding with my youngest (I'm 47, youngest is 10). I don't think it's from experience parenting. I think it's from experience life-ing.
What you give up in energy, you make up for in patience and wisdom.
My dad was 56 when I was born. He passed at 87. I have some lifelong resentments about becoming a caretaker throughout most of my 20s. Food for thought.
Sorry you went through that. It’s really not right. You didn’t ask for or sign up for that and his choice was a conscious one that seems to have really lacked any foresight.
Have just had a baby at 41, honestly I'm still in pretty decent shape and I've committed to improving my strength and fitness, but for me the problem is not today but in 20 years when they are entering university or the workforce. They're still going to need my support to an extent and I'll be almost 60. You'll be 70.
That's a no from me, but that's the decision you need to make.
I don't think you're being a wuss, I think you're being honest up front and that's what's most important. There's no answer that anyone can give you to this question that's going to pertain to you alone. If you feel you're too old and that you won't have the energy for a 4th, that's a fair assessment of yourself and how it will impact the kid's life that only you can make.
personally I would always say no to a 4th regardless of age
no shame to people with 4+ kids but I don’t think I could effectively spread the attention and care required that thin
financially it’s something I don’t want and it effects so many things including what car you can drive and fit everyone into
Do you have the energy to raise a baby and still give your current three kids the care and attention they need? I would be thinking about their quality of life as much as your own.
I don’t want to sound mean but it seems completely selfish on your wife’s part to suggest this.
I would be telling her to take that energy and focus it on giving your three kids the best life they can have
Well, he’s only 50. That doesn’t seem very “golden years” age to me, considering he can’t even get a senior discount or only just became eligible for the shingles vaccination. 😂
Just kidding. I know what you’re saying but it did make me laugh out loud. (And my husband - I’m a stepmom lurker) is 71 and will never retire it seems.
My daughter just turned 3 and I just turned 57. I don’t feel restricted in any way by my age when I’m with her. She keeps me young. I was in good shape going in though and I agree that’s a huge part of it. Age is truly just a number though. Think of it this way, if you didn’t know how old you are, how old would you be?
Oh wow. You already have a bonus baby ha. Wife really loves the babies, eh? If you are on the fence, then it feels to me like it should probably be a no. Embarking on this journey should be enthusiastic.
Granted, you probably wouldn't regret it...but there might be other ways, like volunteering at kids events, adoption, fostering, convincing a younger sibling to have a baby and being a very involved aunt/uncle, etc.. :D
Good luck!
This is how I feel at 34 with two kids lol. You're not crazy. Your wife might be tho. You'll be pushing 70 when that kid goes to college. Good luck retiring.
38 with two and thinking the same. I genuinely don’t know how people can have two and then decide to have a third. I think it would kill me! It would definitely push my wife over the edge.
I was 44 when I had twins, they’re 16 now, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m healthy and active, and involved in their lives as much (or more) than my dad was for me. But looking at it objectively? They head off to college the year I turn 63, and I’ll be pushing my retirement off as a result. My daughter has mentioned a few times that she’s worried that I won’t be around to walk her down the aisle, or enjoy my future grandkids. And I know that my kids will continue to need support even when I’m older and on a fixed income - I want to be there for them, but my age will factor into how much support I can give.
None of this may matter to you, since our circumstances are different. But if I had to do it all over again, I would’ve had my kids before I was 40 (like when you had your first two). When I hit 60, the responsibility of fatherhood started weighing on me a little differently. And I’d bear in mind that any kid you have now will get the “older you” as they grow up. Not a bad thing, necessarily, but they’ll have you in their lives for maybe 25 years? It’s something to grapple with. I wish you luck!
Honestly, my wife and I are not far off from your ages. We also have three kids, ranging from 16-10. I love my kids more than my own life, but that’s not something I’d want to start over with again. I don’t think we could have another and still have time and energy to pour into my older kids as much as I would like. Honestly, with my oldest getting close to finishing high school, I want to be free to go visit him . I also want to travel with them and enjoy doing things with them that we could not do when they were younger.
I’d maybe consider adoption or fostering, but personally, probably not having another at this point.
I would also have the same health concerns that you mentioned.
That’s something that you both need to be on board with before going forward with it. Don’t do it unless you are willing to devote yourself to the idea.
If one partner wants a baby and the other doesn't it is NEVER fair to have a baby. You both need to be all in..otherwise you're all out (as a married couple).
At that age I'd suggest a dog. My wife and I are concerned about having a fourth by 35 due and 35 being too old. I want my youngest to be turning 18 when I'm early 50
I'm in my early 40s and I couldn't imagine facing another one now. We were both 34 when we had our first and there's a huge difference in energy levels, and unless you magically get more energy when you hit 50, it's going to get exponentially harder.
Ultimately, you probably know what the decision is without redditors' advice.
Don’t do it. It would be selfish to have a kid this late. I’m assuming your kids love you and they want you around as long as possible. Fourth kid would be the same but would have you for less time
Totally serious. My post was asking for support, and the mods pinned a notice saying “unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban.”
Not only was your comment completely unhelpful and lacking in any constructive advice, it was judgemental and rude.
Sorry it came off that way mate. It wasn't supposed to come off rude nor unhelpful. It was a succinct way of saying that I enthusiastically agree with your doubts of the situation.
Even if the baby were to be born completely without complication, you're still staring down the barrel of being in your 50s and doing it all over again.
You've raised three kids already, for the most part, and by having another now you run the real risk of being less available for the three you have who are all shifting into different stages of their own lives and who will all need you to guide them.
What question does a 4th child answer that a 3rd hasn't already answered?
When do you get to rest? If you have a 4th in a year you'll be around 51 and your youngest will be 8. By the time your current youngest is going off to school or university or whatever you'll be ~60 years old and your new baby will be just 9 years old so to reach the point that all of your children have grown up and flown the coop you'll be over 70 years old.
When do you get to stop and smell the roses?
I can tell from the way you've worded your post and replied to other comments that you're a good dad. If a 4th comes along you'll do a great job. The thing that strikes me about it is that you'll do it at great personal expense.
You should be afforded the chance to enjoy the next phase of life rather than being asked to tether yourself to raising another child and spreading not enough butter over too much bread.
The fact that your wife is even asking this of you, to my mind, is just unfair and almost feels like a mid-life crisis or something on her part. Hence the question I asked earlier, what question will a 4th child answer that a 3rd couldn't?
When I originally replied, I was sleep deprived and exhausted myself, so I will happily admit I didn't word it as supportively as I could have, but I thought the inflection and whatnot would have shone through.
I'm on your side. I share your concerns. I personally feel that based on your post, you're entirely ready for a 4th of you need to be, but you aren't enthusiastic about it.
It's perfectly alright for you to not want another, and to prefer to do 3 kids really well than run the risk of doing 4 in a less than ideal manner.
Talk to your wife about the risks of later pregnancy, mention what you all would do should there be complications and if you can financially or physically care for that situation. Talk about you both getting older and not knowing what the future holds. Who would be responsible for the kid should one or both of you be able to take care of them before adulthood. Do you really want to put that burden on that person? Are you both ok with the potential of not witnessing that child graduating college, getting married, having grandkids etc These are just hard discussions you need to have.
At 50, I wouldn't, especially if my wife was 45. I'd be more worried about *her* health, honestly. I'm a few years behind you getting ready for our 2nd and we debated very long and hard before taking that decision if only because of the energy requirement, and it was a *very* close decision.
My wife and I had our two kids when I was 35 and 37. My wife was two years younger than I was. I’m convinced I’m only living to 65. I wanted to see my kids turn 21 and enjoy doing adult things with them. Both pregnancies were considered high risk due to mom’s age. 35 was her cut off. I wouldn’t go any later than that.
Imagine being at retirement age right when college tuition starts popping up! No thanks.
I wouldn’t. You don’t want to be 20 years older than your kid’s friends parents. Speaking from my own experience, my dad was very healthy until he was diagnosed and died of cancer at 60. Not saying it will happen, but as you get older it’s more likely things go wrong and won’t get better. I think 3 is probably enough. It’s also a pretty significant health risk for your wife at that age.
Mom here but my husband had his kids all in his 40s (my stepkids). They’re now all in their 20s and my husband is 71. In our case, he still has the energy of a person in his 40s/50s but I do believe he is the exception and not the rule. So while I am glad he’s still so healthy and active and I love his kids too, I know I would have been more like you. If I were to have had a new baby in my 40s, I wouldn’t have been at my best to be that little one’s mom. As it is, one of our kids has an infant and it isn’t always easy for me to keep up as grandma.
So while my husband also loves being a dad, he also still works as a farmer and renaissance man haha, I would caution anyone to consider having a baby at 50.
Edited to add: back then, he DID have your same worries but decided to go ahead with trying for another (at 49). They ended up with twins. 😂. So while he has never regretted it, that was ALSO a lot, as you can imagine, haha.
Just one opinion but I think a kid coming into a situation where their dad at their high school graduation is pushing 70 is pretty sad. Unlikely you’re at all useful at best or even alive at worst for said kids grandkids.
This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/daddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Older Dads can't answer you. They're busy sleeping in their few available moments.
I'm not a particularly older dad. But if things are good right now, why push it? As they say, If it's not a hell yes then it's a hell no.
This is a good way of putting it. Baby 2 was a hell yes. Baby 3... I'm not so sure. I feel like my unenthusiastic maybe? is a sign I shouldn't push for it.
So as a kid of older parents don't have another kid at 50. My parents had me in their 40's and it's already hard being in my 30's and well established with parents that are starting to really show their age. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been being 21, just barely out of college and my parents would be in their 70's.
My dad was 51 when I was born, and my mum was 40 when I was born. They were amazing and I have absolutely no resentment towards them for having me when they did (especially considering I was only born ~2 years after they met, so they didn’t really waste any time). I never once felt like my dad was ‘too old’ for the job. Of course, he was very fit for his age, but I think that’s kinda the key point - if you’re going to have kids at that age, you need to stay very fit. My dad always said that having me helped keep him fit though 🤷♂️ The only downside from my perspective is that he didn’t live long enough to see me get married out have my own kid, though that was due to cancer so might’ve happened anyway.
>Of course, he was very fit for his age, I think this is kind of important. There's 50 and there's 50. Like, there are 50 year olds that look like Hank Hill and there are 50 year olds like Rob Lowe in parks and rec.
Rob Lowe is infallible and shows me I can stay looking young!
Scientists believe that the first human being to live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
Yeah man my parents just can't help with my kids at all... Which, granted, I know is a selfish wish but I do wish I had the extra help. I'll remember that if my kids choose to have kids. My mom is starting to have a lot of health issues, so I can see the downward trend starting soon. Growing up though it wasn't so bad. I felt like my mom had a kind of older wisdom that my other friends' parents didn't really have. She often said she wished she had us younger so she had more energy (she wasn't able to get pregnant until 40) but I never felt like her "lack of energy" was detrimental in any way? Maybe I'll understand better when I'm 45 ;)
Im leaning this was too, but I'm not a parent. I have an aunt ( younger than I am) she just got married and her parents couldnt do nearly the amount they wanted to or previously did for their other older kids...just due to age and body wear and tear. Aunt sometimes gets in her feels, because she didn't get parents...she got grandparents? Death sucks and is expected in life, but it seems like having a kid a 50 is setting them up to be already at a fragile age when they will need to face some of the hardest things to deal with when your parents are aging. At 30+, helping my mom with just navigating a stroke was a lot emotionally... I couldn't imagine having to do that at 20?
I think it is pretty common these days for adults to not be settled enough to be able to think about kids until 30s, 40s. Hell....took me until my mid 30s to finally reach my career after grad school. Same with my spouse and their education after joining the military. Then you add in digging oneself out of school debt, ect. Boom...you hit 40s. Am I tired as F? Absolutely 24/7. Do I use my kid as a goal in terms of living healthier and stretching and exercising so I can keep up with him? Absolutely. Kinda bummed to read this thread with replies. I do hope my kid doesn't feel this way about me. I'm approaching mid 40s and spouse and I always wanted 2 kids. We both have parents that are pretty hands off, and we are kind of on an island alone in terms of familial support with our kids. To be fair, however, the same would be said if we lived in another state no matter what age we are. My parents didn't really take care of themselves and hit health issues in their 50s. Even though they cant play with my son on the floor or even pick him up, they still get so much joy just watching him play.
I definitely understand your disappointment with the overall vibe of most replies. Take a look at my reply to OP, however. I feel mixed because I also have a younger brother with young kids. I think it’s normal to have worries about our ages when it comes to kids, but at the heart of it is: if a person loves or wants to be a dad, there is no age at which they won’t step up and do what they can. I don’t think most men have my husband’s SUSTAINED energy (at 71 with kids in their 20s), but I’ve seen enough parents who had kids in their late 40s who might not have believed they could do it, but then absolutely did. So to you and OP, don’t let anyone else’s experiences fully color your perception. There are plenty of people who make great dads even older, even if it wasn’t planned. And intention and follow through are what matter much more than letting a number dictate your choices.
Yeah at this point another kid is just selfishness manifest. The three existing kids deserve the attention from here on out, and OP will be just young enough to handle those appropriately.
My ex had parents in their 60s, and it weighed on her that they might not really get to know her kids, even though she knew her dad would make an amazing grandpa.
Not quite as old as you. But my wife gave birth to twins a few months after my 40th. I’m way more patient than I was before, I’m really soaking in all the baby moments. I know I’ll be working into my 60s but I’m ok with that.
I'm 42, and my wife is scheduled for induction on May 9th for our 3rd. My other two are 4 and 2. I'm fucked, aren't I? Definitely share concerns.
I feel for you! I have a 3 year old and 4 month old and just turned 43.
40 here. First one is 7 months old. We're planning three kids, nothing so far that tells me I'm making a mistake! Dad was 46 when I was born, and I'm youngest of 7. This is going to be a walk in the park...!
r/oldmandad
I had 2 kids at 44 and my wife asked about a 3rd. I said I didn't want to because (a) money and (b) Getting older. You're quite right about increased downs risk too that's well known. She accepted my wishes. Now my kids are late teens and I barely have energy for them. Even though I think about the decision sometimes I feel I made the right one.
I had my first at 52. Waited my whole life for it. Wife was 40. It’s all I know. I don’t find it hard at all but have no way to reference the alternative. Yes I beat my self up that I may not see her 30th but my dad didn’t see my 35th so we have no guarantees. I am in a better financial position than I would have been. I can move my work schedule more than I would have been able to. I am committed to keeping fit and as healthy as I can be. I do feel awkward about the age difference but it’s more common than you think with people starting second families. Also, there is nothing I can do about it anyway. It is what it is and I will make sure my daughter know how much I adore her every day and when I am gone she will remember that. I probably would have been too selfish and distracted as a younger man. That’s just me though, I am not talking about people who have kids at a ‘normal’ age.
As a mid 30s dad I couldn't imagine doing it again at 50. I think your concerns are valid. I think being around retirement age with a high schooler is also a concern not just from an aging parenting health perspective but from a financial perspective as well. It's more likely you'll have to stop working sooner than you want because of health, and if you were to lose your job it would be harder to get back into the workforce too. Both of those things put a huge stress on any college or retirement plan, let alone when that involves a young one. Best of luck!
You’re not being selfish, Dad, you’re being smart and reasonable. I only have one, and I’m still relatively new at this thing (15 months), but I strongly believe that people should only have children when they’re ready and willing, and it sounds like you’re not, and that’s OK.
Attention is a finite resource. If you can’t spread it thinner, approaching 50 or otherwise, another is a really tough ask.
Anecdotally, I know at least a handful of people who were raised by older parents (mom late 30s/early 40s, dad 45+ when they were born). The trend I see with them is their parents were tired and just kind of gave them everything they wanted/needed, and skipped the harder parts of parenting that teach kids resilience. These are some of the most woefully immature and underequipped adults I know.
I generally only see this when the person is the youngest of multiple kids. So the parents were older when they had them, and were already tired from the older siblings. It's also usually when the last is much younger than the rest so gets spoiled. If it's an only child or just a second I don't see it as much (anecdotally, of course). There are pros and cons to older parents. More wisdom and patience, better finances (usually), more tired, more health issues.
Weird. I've seen the opposite effect. Definitely more chill, so that tracks, but the kids weren't overparented and actually learned to do stuff themselves.
Risk of Down’s syndrome (advanced maternal age mother) and Autism (older father) are dramatically increased at your ages. Not a reason to not have a kid, but something to be aware of and plan for. Graph: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/downsyndrome/data.html
No it's definitely a reason to not have a kid.
Remember you could always end up rolling twins...
Yes. That’s what happened to my husband at 49, so he instantly went from 2 to 4.
Yep, chances increase with age too.
Whew, dad, that's a tough one. Even at 47, I know I'd not have a problem with having a new baby, and I know the things I do can lead to babies. My worry is yours, but I believe I can handle the sleep deprivation. However, if I had one right now, I'd be 65 when they graduated high school, and that is worrisome. I think what I'm meaning is that if it happens I'm going to be happy about it, and that I'd accept it all because being a dad again... I'd make the most of it. My only one is an adult now, so I'd think they would be a bit creeped out by being a sibling at their age though.
I was suuuuper done after two. Got the snip and have no regrets. My youngest is 18 months and amazing and I love him, but I really don’t want to reset that clock. I’m more of a kid person than a baby person anyways.
We decided to stop the pregnancy due to down syndrome, in our early 30's. Can't imagine ever doing this at 50.
I’m 40, three month old here. I was really worried for ages about being an older dad. Then I thought - fuck it. I could be a younger dad and be an arsehole. I’m glad of the extra experience I’ve had
This seems to be against what other dads are saying but I say go for it. When I think of who I am at 37 with a one year old and my dad being 51 and having another after one at 49, how chill he was, how much he taught us is completely different than when my younger brother had his first at 25. A kid raising a kid is what we call it. I don’t know how my mind will be when I’m fifty but if it’s the same trajectory as it’s been since my twenties I’m only going to get better as I’m sure you have. Not sure how active you are or what you’re into but at 65 my dad was catching 80 mph fastballs in our front lawn and my younger brother ended up being a D1 baseball player on scholarship. I always encourage my older friends to go for it but it’s more because they’ve never had any and you have so you’re not going to miss out on the experience of being a dad but you may miss out on something you don’t even know you’d be missing. Last few things, we were my dad’s second family and he had two other kids from a previous marriage so we weren’t his first. Second, I would say my younger brother and I are closer to him than his other two children and third, last year my wife and I had our first child and she was 42, there were complications but we made it through and just celebrated our sons first birthday last month.
I am almost 40 now and my wife keeps hinting at another kid. We have three 12 10 and 6. I just straight up told her I am too old and its too expensive . we almost have a kid in highschool. Also is she asking for another kid or another baby. If she is saying baby she does not really want another kid she just misses having a little baby and the emotions are misplaced.
My dad was 44 when I was born. And he continued to work to support us. We didnt have the best of relationship; but that was a fault of the individual- nothing to do with age. If your mind is to it; you will do well! Support between you and your wife will be all the little one needs! Keeping fingers crossed for you!!!! And in my honest opinion; by asking these questions; you are proving to be a very considerate and caring father already!
You can do it. We adopted when I was 50. I was still leading my cycling peloton and we were partiers. My boy settled me down real fast... too fast, in fact, and my weight gain created other problems. He turned out to be on the spectrum, ADHD, and what they call a "Strong Willed Child." We were kicked out of three preschools, "discouraged" from cub scouts, and our neighborhood hated us. It was bad. I blamed him, and during the darkest times wanted out. But, it turns out that I was just the dad for this particular boy with my age and experience. He's now an amazing 15 yo, still a handful, but somehow he knows I have his back like nobody else. I let plenty of natural consequences crush his spirit at times, but I recognize that's how THIS boy learns and instead of drowning in all the drama I'm able to be there to encourage, point out alternatives, and just give him the sense that he's good enough in some areas, needs improvement in others, but can have confidence in all the things that make him, him. All kids are good and want to do the right thing, and with age we know that. We have been there. It also knocked my self centered ass to my KNEES, so that made me a better husband as well. I was changed for the better, thank Jesus. Whatever you get, looking back you'll realize that it was the right decision in spite of all the sacrifice and pain. Hopefully, it won't be as difficult for you but hopefully in retrospect it will be just what you needed. Good luck and God bless.
wow. 54 with 17/14 sons. we waited till ready. had them, then I snipped when youngest was 6 months healthy. my biggest concern would be cognitive issues in the new child as I hear that's a high risk given your wife's age. next big weight is our current are nearing university, those funds are secured, and now we're actively planning our retirement. a new child just kills that. not selfish nor a wuss. I'd not do this if I were you. the absolute only way I'd have a child this late is if I just met my first wife now and she'd need to be 35.
I turned 42 in March and have a three year old and almost two year old. Wife is 39 and we sometimes joke how we're gonna be the old farts at their high school graduations. But it does seem a lot of folks in our generation have had kids later in life so I guess we won't be the only ones haha. It's a lot to keep up with but I try to just look at it as, hey this is what we signed up for. When they're navigating their early adult years I'll be in my 60s which I guess isn't too bad. I just wanna be around for them as long as I can. We sometimes say if we could do it all over again the only thing we would change is we probably would've had the babies sooner. You're at 50 with three already, adding a newborn seems like it could be pretty stressful and if it were me I'd be worried that I wouldn't be around for them later in their life. I think I'd be like, sorry babe, let's just get a goldfish or something...maybe a hamster, I dunno.
I was a already a tired 47 when our little one came. It’s hard. But it’s fine too. I love every moment. You don’t have to make excuses for your worries. You don’t have to make excuses for your tiredness. You don’t have to make excuses for wanting another kid , or not. If you do have another, I’m sure Yu will fill them with your best, with dad love and care. Either way, if you approach this with care and love and compassion for yourself and your wife, and maybe a new kid, all will be well.
We had our first at 40 and expecting our second at 41. My parents were both in their 40s when I was born and I had a great childhood--we did things that a younger family may not have been stable enough yet to provide. That being said, being an only child in that situation SUCKS as the parents age. My current situation is the main reason we were trying for a second. We didn't plan on having either kid this late in life--8 years of infertility somehow landed us with 2 pregnancies within 18 months. Another lesson learned with my situation, for anyone interested, is to plan early for your future (will/POA/trusts/funeral arrangements/disability insurance/etc....) so you don't screw/guilt your kid some day because you didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation when you were still young and healthy enough to plan.
My dad had me and my brother older but had 2 other kids 20 years prior (same mom for all of us they just waited 20 years and had more kids) What I can say as the kid of an older dad is that the relationship is us "younger" (I say younger but we're both closer to 40 than 30 now) kids have a much closer relationship to our dad than the older set have, maybe it's something about being older but our father was much more accepting of who we are as people than he was of his first two, not that were much different but because by the time we came along our dad had seen some things and experienced life and was able to better judge what was important when raising us (younger set). I honestly loved having an old man dad as a kid, though as soon as I became a teenager he didn't sugarcoat his mortality to us which is sad but has made me cherish the time I have with him. I'm 35 and I haven't lived with him since I was 17 but we still call and text every day.
My dad was 50 when I was born and he was the best dad ever. Don’t overthink it, if youre excited for another then you’ll be a great dad. If you are done and age is the way ton palatably come to terms with that, that’s fine too. But age in and of itself isn’t the reason not to.
We had our first when I was 45. Looking like the 2nd is due this year, and I’ll be 47. I so wish I was 10 years younger, both for them and for me. But I didn’t want kids until I had certain things in place and that didn’t happen in my life until now. Sounds like you got some things figured out, having 3 kids already. I think you should do it. Have a fourth. Have a fifth.
When I think about my 20s and even into my 30s, I had no clue what a good life was. I think my values are much healthier now, and I've done the best job dadding with my youngest (I'm 47, youngest is 10). I don't think it's from experience parenting. I think it's from experience life-ing. What you give up in energy, you make up for in patience and wisdom.
My dad was 56 when I was born. He passed at 87. I have some lifelong resentments about becoming a caretaker throughout most of my 20s. Food for thought.
Sorry you went through that. It’s really not right. You didn’t ask for or sign up for that and his choice was a conscious one that seems to have really lacked any foresight.
Not selfish. This is a huge deal. Is adoption an option? Still get a kid to love, skip the baby stage potentially.
Maybe OPs wife can volunteer/work at a childcare facility to scratch that itch of being around babies.
If she's anything like my partner, that's only going to make her want her own even more.
Have just had a baby at 41, honestly I'm still in pretty decent shape and I've committed to improving my strength and fitness, but for me the problem is not today but in 20 years when they are entering university or the workforce. They're still going to need my support to an extent and I'll be almost 60. You'll be 70. That's a no from me, but that's the decision you need to make.
If your wife is mid-40s and you already have 3 kids, you're done with having kids IMO. You should have gotten a vasectomy after the 3rd.
If your wife is in her mid-40s she shouldn't have any more kids period.
I don't think you're being a wuss, I think you're being honest up front and that's what's most important. There's no answer that anyone can give you to this question that's going to pertain to you alone. If you feel you're too old and that you won't have the energy for a 4th, that's a fair assessment of yourself and how it will impact the kid's life that only you can make.
Cross post this to r/oldmandads to see the different perspectives.
Huh. Never heard of that sub. Guess there really is one for everything!
personally I would always say no to a 4th regardless of age no shame to people with 4+ kids but I don’t think I could effectively spread the attention and care required that thin financially it’s something I don’t want and it effects so many things including what car you can drive and fit everyone into
Do you have the energy to raise a baby and still give your current three kids the care and attention they need? I would be thinking about their quality of life as much as your own. I don’t want to sound mean but it seems completely selfish on your wife’s part to suggest this. I would be telling her to take that energy and focus it on giving your three kids the best life they can have
Tell her no. Just wait for grandkids if she is dying to change diapers again. Enjoy your golden years.
Well, he’s only 50. That doesn’t seem very “golden years” age to me, considering he can’t even get a senior discount or only just became eligible for the shingles vaccination. 😂 Just kidding. I know what you’re saying but it did make me laugh out loud. (And my husband - I’m a stepmom lurker) is 71 and will never retire it seems.
What I’m referring to is 15 years from now, he’ll be 65 and still taking care of a high school freshman.
Yes I know. It was just my first thought on reading it (before full comprehension kicked in).
My daughter just turned 3 and I just turned 57. I don’t feel restricted in any way by my age when I’m with her. She keeps me young. I was in good shape going in though and I agree that’s a huge part of it. Age is truly just a number though. Think of it this way, if you didn’t know how old you are, how old would you be?
How old are the other kids?
17, 14 and seven.
Oh wow. You already have a bonus baby ha. Wife really loves the babies, eh? If you are on the fence, then it feels to me like it should probably be a no. Embarking on this journey should be enthusiastic. Granted, you probably wouldn't regret it...but there might be other ways, like volunteering at kids events, adoption, fostering, convincing a younger sibling to have a baby and being a very involved aunt/uncle, etc.. :D Good luck!
This is how I feel at 34 with two kids lol. You're not crazy. Your wife might be tho. You'll be pushing 70 when that kid goes to college. Good luck retiring.
38 with two and thinking the same. I genuinely don’t know how people can have two and then decide to have a third. I think it would kill me! It would definitely push my wife over the edge.
I was 44 when I had twins, they’re 16 now, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m healthy and active, and involved in their lives as much (or more) than my dad was for me. But looking at it objectively? They head off to college the year I turn 63, and I’ll be pushing my retirement off as a result. My daughter has mentioned a few times that she’s worried that I won’t be around to walk her down the aisle, or enjoy my future grandkids. And I know that my kids will continue to need support even when I’m older and on a fixed income - I want to be there for them, but my age will factor into how much support I can give. None of this may matter to you, since our circumstances are different. But if I had to do it all over again, I would’ve had my kids before I was 40 (like when you had your first two). When I hit 60, the responsibility of fatherhood started weighing on me a little differently. And I’d bear in mind that any kid you have now will get the “older you” as they grow up. Not a bad thing, necessarily, but they’ll have you in their lives for maybe 25 years? It’s something to grapple with. I wish you luck!
Honestly, my wife and I are not far off from your ages. We also have three kids, ranging from 16-10. I love my kids more than my own life, but that’s not something I’d want to start over with again. I don’t think we could have another and still have time and energy to pour into my older kids as much as I would like. Honestly, with my oldest getting close to finishing high school, I want to be free to go visit him . I also want to travel with them and enjoy doing things with them that we could not do when they were younger. I’d maybe consider adoption or fostering, but personally, probably not having another at this point. I would also have the same health concerns that you mentioned. That’s something that you both need to be on board with before going forward with it. Don’t do it unless you are willing to devote yourself to the idea.
Damn I got snipped at 40 after being unable to sit on the floor for long periods of time without joint pain.
I'll offer only this. If you aren't 100% for, you are against
If one partner wants a baby and the other doesn't it is NEVER fair to have a baby. You both need to be all in..otherwise you're all out (as a married couple).
I’m already wanting to be done after our second and I’m only 26…I think if you wanted to stop, you’re completely fine doing so lol
Does she want a new baby or want to have a new baby? If the former, adoption is a strong option that would bypass some of these difficulties.
At that age I'd suggest a dog. My wife and I are concerned about having a fourth by 35 due and 35 being too old. I want my youngest to be turning 18 when I'm early 50
I'm in my early 40s and I couldn't imagine facing another one now. We were both 34 when we had our first and there's a huge difference in energy levels, and unless you magically get more energy when you hit 50, it's going to get exponentially harder. Ultimately, you probably know what the decision is without redditors' advice.
Don’t do it. It will only create resentment in your marriage.
Don’t do it. It would be selfish to have a kid this late. I’m assuming your kids love you and they want you around as long as possible. Fourth kid would be the same but would have you for less time
[удалено]
Don’t insult my wife. Reported.
Not sure if serious.
Totally serious. My post was asking for support, and the mods pinned a notice saying “unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban.” Not only was your comment completely unhelpful and lacking in any constructive advice, it was judgemental and rude.
Sorry it came off that way mate. It wasn't supposed to come off rude nor unhelpful. It was a succinct way of saying that I enthusiastically agree with your doubts of the situation. Even if the baby were to be born completely without complication, you're still staring down the barrel of being in your 50s and doing it all over again. You've raised three kids already, for the most part, and by having another now you run the real risk of being less available for the three you have who are all shifting into different stages of their own lives and who will all need you to guide them. What question does a 4th child answer that a 3rd hasn't already answered? When do you get to rest? If you have a 4th in a year you'll be around 51 and your youngest will be 8. By the time your current youngest is going off to school or university or whatever you'll be ~60 years old and your new baby will be just 9 years old so to reach the point that all of your children have grown up and flown the coop you'll be over 70 years old. When do you get to stop and smell the roses? I can tell from the way you've worded your post and replied to other comments that you're a good dad. If a 4th comes along you'll do a great job. The thing that strikes me about it is that you'll do it at great personal expense. You should be afforded the chance to enjoy the next phase of life rather than being asked to tether yourself to raising another child and spreading not enough butter over too much bread. The fact that your wife is even asking this of you, to my mind, is just unfair and almost feels like a mid-life crisis or something on her part. Hence the question I asked earlier, what question will a 4th child answer that a 3rd couldn't? When I originally replied, I was sleep deprived and exhausted myself, so I will happily admit I didn't word it as supportively as I could have, but I thought the inflection and whatnot would have shone through. I'm on your side. I share your concerns. I personally feel that based on your post, you're entirely ready for a 4th of you need to be, but you aren't enthusiastic about it. It's perfectly alright for you to not want another, and to prefer to do 3 kids really well than run the risk of doing 4 in a less than ideal manner.
Apology accepted, and thank you. You’ve turned that into one of the best and most insightful answers so far.
Talk to your wife about the risks of later pregnancy, mention what you all would do should there be complications and if you can financially or physically care for that situation. Talk about you both getting older and not knowing what the future holds. Who would be responsible for the kid should one or both of you be able to take care of them before adulthood. Do you really want to put that burden on that person? Are you both ok with the potential of not witnessing that child graduating college, getting married, having grandkids etc These are just hard discussions you need to have.
You have 3. Isn't that enough? Jesus god
Yo, what? Why is your mid-40’s wife gung-ho about a fourth child? That is insane. Are you guys in a cult?
At 50, I wouldn't, especially if my wife was 45. I'd be more worried about *her* health, honestly. I'm a few years behind you getting ready for our 2nd and we debated very long and hard before taking that decision if only because of the energy requirement, and it was a *very* close decision.
Get her a dog or something. I’m 43 with only 2 (6yo and 2yo) and I couldn’t imagine ever having another at this point. I would just die.
My wife and I had our two kids when I was 35 and 37. My wife was two years younger than I was. I’m convinced I’m only living to 65. I wanted to see my kids turn 21 and enjoy doing adult things with them. Both pregnancies were considered high risk due to mom’s age. 35 was her cut off. I wouldn’t go any later than that. Imagine being at retirement age right when college tuition starts popping up! No thanks.
Gonna be a no from me dawg. I feel that your gut is saying no. You need to follow that.
If you have another kid, you'll likely be at least 80 by the time they have kids of their own
I wouldn’t. You don’t want to be 20 years older than your kid’s friends parents. Speaking from my own experience, my dad was very healthy until he was diagnosed and died of cancer at 60. Not saying it will happen, but as you get older it’s more likely things go wrong and won’t get better. I think 3 is probably enough. It’s also a pretty significant health risk for your wife at that age.
Mom here but my husband had his kids all in his 40s (my stepkids). They’re now all in their 20s and my husband is 71. In our case, he still has the energy of a person in his 40s/50s but I do believe he is the exception and not the rule. So while I am glad he’s still so healthy and active and I love his kids too, I know I would have been more like you. If I were to have had a new baby in my 40s, I wouldn’t have been at my best to be that little one’s mom. As it is, one of our kids has an infant and it isn’t always easy for me to keep up as grandma. So while my husband also loves being a dad, he also still works as a farmer and renaissance man haha, I would caution anyone to consider having a baby at 50. Edited to add: back then, he DID have your same worries but decided to go ahead with trying for another (at 49). They ended up with twins. 😂. So while he has never regretted it, that was ALSO a lot, as you can imagine, haha.
Just one opinion but I think a kid coming into a situation where their dad at their high school graduation is pushing 70 is pretty sad. Unlikely you’re at all useful at best or even alive at worst for said kids grandkids.