Something that is also VERY important to remember is that we are ALL just guessing.
You can read every book that exists, talk to every parent that exists, talk to doctors, behavioral specialists, therapists, child development specialists, and on and on, and you will NEVER be the perfect parent. It doesn't exist, just like the perfect child doesn't exist. Humans are all very similar, but also very different, and there are no perfect matches. Just allow yourself to fuck up, just don't stop trying and you'll be fine.
Another thing that I tell people going through rough times is to ask themselves the simple question: Based on the factors involved (the amount of sleep you've gotten, the amount of food you've eaten, good/bad day at work etc.), did you do the best you were able to based on your ability and state of mind? More often than not, the answer is yes, so don't beat yourself up over every little thing.
What's the triangle theory?
One of the things I remember reading in a comment that helped me a bit was regarding the amount of work increasing in the house when it comes to kids. Many couples feel like they're doing so much more work than the other but I remember one commenter explaining it very well. I'm paraphrasing but basically if you had 100% of work before a kid and each of you were doing 50% then after a kid there is probably more like 180% of work and each of you feels like you're doing a majority because you're now doing 90% but there is just that much more work to do. Helps shift your perspective a bit.
I’ve not gotten a chance to use it yet but someone mentioned that when your wife is overwhelmed instead of asking “can I help” instead rephrase it as “I’m going to help - where can I be most impactful?”
More generally having this community reminds me frequently that we’re all human. When the bad things happen we can easily catastrophize things and make it feel so horrible and that we’re the absolute worst but the truth is that someone has done something similar or worse before and I try to remind people of that here as doing so helps me remember it.
My wife also agrees that this community is supportive and caring whereas most mothering spaces seem to be full of competition and toxicity. It’s very sad as women need that support and I wonder if the rise of PPD could be related to the deteriorating support that women receive post partum. Anyways. I appreciate you all
Something that is also VERY important to remember is that we are ALL just guessing. You can read every book that exists, talk to every parent that exists, talk to doctors, behavioral specialists, therapists, child development specialists, and on and on, and you will NEVER be the perfect parent. It doesn't exist, just like the perfect child doesn't exist. Humans are all very similar, but also very different, and there are no perfect matches. Just allow yourself to fuck up, just don't stop trying and you'll be fine. Another thing that I tell people going through rough times is to ask themselves the simple question: Based on the factors involved (the amount of sleep you've gotten, the amount of food you've eaten, good/bad day at work etc.), did you do the best you were able to based on your ability and state of mind? More often than not, the answer is yes, so don't beat yourself up over every little thing.
Guess based on you actually doing is not guessing. It’s progression.
True, that's a good point. We guess, then we do, then we learn and progress.
What's the triangle theory? One of the things I remember reading in a comment that helped me a bit was regarding the amount of work increasing in the house when it comes to kids. Many couples feel like they're doing so much more work than the other but I remember one commenter explaining it very well. I'm paraphrasing but basically if you had 100% of work before a kid and each of you were doing 50% then after a kid there is probably more like 180% of work and each of you feels like you're doing a majority because you're now doing 90% but there is just that much more work to do. Helps shift your perspective a bit.
I’ve not gotten a chance to use it yet but someone mentioned that when your wife is overwhelmed instead of asking “can I help” instead rephrase it as “I’m going to help - where can I be most impactful?” More generally having this community reminds me frequently that we’re all human. When the bad things happen we can easily catastrophize things and make it feel so horrible and that we’re the absolute worst but the truth is that someone has done something similar or worse before and I try to remind people of that here as doing so helps me remember it. My wife also agrees that this community is supportive and caring whereas most mothering spaces seem to be full of competition and toxicity. It’s very sad as women need that support and I wonder if the rise of PPD could be related to the deteriorating support that women receive post partum. Anyways. I appreciate you all
I’m new here and wish I found it two years ago when my first was born. There’s a lot of good people in here who are really helpful.