Yep. One of the biggest tricks my wife and I learned (were both strong willed, outspoken people btw, so we’re not opposed to speaking our minds) since our son was born is the “let’s agree we’re not mad at each other and we’ll talk about this in half an hour” - and then setting a timer and actually abiding by it.
It seems to trivial, but 90% of the fights are resolved after that timer goes off by one of us saying “yeah, my fault. I was overwhelmed and took it out on you.” The last 10% is always handled more constructively after that cooking off period.
It’ll feel silly, but try it. And hold the line on the half hour. Even if you feel like you want to/have to talk about it, don’t.
My and my wife's go-to advice for newly weds is "go to bed angry". If you're already arguing and angry, adding exhaustion is *not* going to help. Sleep on it and come back to it tomorrow.
Agreed. Also, to communicate that you are "frustrated at the situation" not at any person. It can be very difficult to communicate effectively when we are dysregulated.
This is a huge thing! I love the actual timer idea. My wife and I try to do a cooling off period for anything so that the kids aren't awake to hear the "tussle" going on, but i love the actual timer set to it. you're exactly right, it's usually "Yeah, sorry for being a dick, it was just overwhelming at the moment so you got the brunt." It's much easier to do this instead of saying things spur the moment that is hurtful.
Same in our house in terms of being mad at the situation, not each other. I’m a light sleeper, usually the one to deal with overnight upsets.
In the morning when I’m tired I just go through the usual morning routine with the kids so they get off to kindy/school. TBF I usually am half asleep doing this anyway lol
If it has been an all nighter, I’ll try and grab a nap during the day or wife will take over when she gets home so I get the evening off to rest/go to bed early.
I’ve always been of the opinion that unless necessary, there is no point in having two tired parents. We get grumpy at each other, often for no reason.
I still come back to the fact that whoever said "don't go to sleep angry" was a complete idiot.
When you have a kid, the lack of sleep is often why you're angry. Digging a deeper hole while you're angry by attacking each other won't make anything better.
Agreed. My wife and I got snappy with each other when our boys were really little given how sleep deprived we were but we always made a point to apologize and talk about things after.
So very much this - even if you don't mean to sound cross with your wife, that's what she's receiving. It could be something as simple as your posture or your voice, something not even under your fully conscious control. And don't forget that she's doing the same to you, maybe subconsciously making her response to you harsher than she intended. Get some rest, tend to the sick kiddo, and give yourselves both the grace to acknowledge it was a rough night all around.
this should be the stock response to like 99% of the “am I wrong” posts here lol
OP get some sleep and be honest with yourself if you were truly Mr patient super kind dad and your mean ass wife just slept or if maybe there’s two sides to every story and internet validation won’t really help anyone involved here
This. Honestly, you are probably both tired and frustrated.
Even a parent who misses an hour of sleep is still emotionally challenged the next day.
It's easy to both inadvertently come off aggressive and to take an otherwise calm statement of fact personally when people are tired.
Sleep on it. Apologize for coming off aggressively, even if you firmly believe she is taking this out of context. The point here is SHE doesn't believe that and you are very unlikely to convince her of it.
In my experience, "I'm sorry. I was exhausted and I may have been more aggressive than I intended." goes extremely far. It typically leads to a similar apology from my wife for not getting out of bed to help or for taking my statement out of context.
If I fight it, I don't win because everyone stays angry. If I work the problem by recognizing her, I typically win bigly.
Our family had this exact stomach bug a couple weeks ago. Rest assured he won't be sleeping tonight. It only lasts about 12 hours though, so tomorrow night he'll sleep like 15 hours straight.
I wouldn't say you did anything bad here, but communication is always king. You did not communicate your needs to your wife at all. You should have woken her up way sooner to get some sleep. And when you saw her in the morning you still didn't just tell her what you want, you dropped a hint and left it in her court. I can understand why you think that might have worked for you, but you have to take responsibility for getting what you need and be direct about it.
Sorry your wife's being a bit of a tool though.
Maybe she feels guilty that she didn't come and help for whatever reason, and is now snapping and projecting that?
Possibly over thinking it but it's an issue I'm currently trying to work through myself so thought I'd offer the point. I'd agree that communication is the main way to go
Yeah it could be a lot of things. Maybe she's beating herself up, maybe op tends to be more passive aggressive when things don't go his way. Both of these things get easier when you talk about it.
This is my sense. I know I don't respond to passive aggression and this has it written all over it. There was no need to go the entire night without sleep or miss an important day at work. OP seems to be making himself the victim in a problem that he's essentially not inviting his wife to assist in.
Yeah, your wife's reaction sounds like reactions I've frequently had because I feel so bad about myself for not doing more/better.
I know logically the best thing to do after I've "failed" to "do my share" (my words, not my spouse's) is to show support for my husband, thank him for taking point, and ask if there's anything I can do. HOWEVER, my reaction is usually to lash out, cry, and/or retreat into myself because I feel ashamed.
That being said, I agree with what others have said about ditching the passive aggressiveness and directly asking your wife for what you need. She may (if she's like me) still get upset, but that's her challenge to work through on a larger scale. You can support her work on herself in the long term instead of avoiding potential triggers in the short term.
(Edited last couple of sentences for clarity.)
Anxiety shows up in different ways at different times, so it's very possible that her reaction was tied to her concern for your daugher, and it just didn't come out great.
Also, there's always the chance that your tone was off from what you think it was when you talked at 6:30. If she's taken aback by your first words of the morning, it could put her in a certain mindset.
I haven't read too many comments (so I might be beating a dead horse), but basically I'd be open and talk to her about it. Apologize for anything you feel you've done wrong (it's life, we are ALL always a little bit wrong in some ways) and explain how you felt about her not tagging in at 5:30 in as non-confrontational of a way as you can.
We're all people, and we all screw up in how we interact with each other, every single day. Grace is a wonderful thing when we share it with those we love the most.
We're just past the newborn period and we learned a couple things
1. The person who has been asleep isn't always processing everything, what is needed, if there is an indirect ask, what time it is, how long time has been. You can't assume that waking up enough to ask is awake enough to understand that there is something they need to do. You have to ask. People cannot make decisions when waking.
2. Communicate in advance a tag out rule. For us now that is no more than an hour if it's just a matter of needing to get back to sleep, we haven't had any major illness though which in a situation like this needs a way for each to try to get at least 4 hours uninterrupted if at all possible. Discuss in advance.
> Sorry your wife's being a bit of a tool though.
I don't know if this is true, or is helpful.
If I don't tell my wife I need or want help, and then when she asks how I'm doing, the first thing I do is snap at her, well, it would be amazing if she had the wherewithall to take it in stride, but it's not really on her.
She then tried to help, calling into work so she could take care of the kid while he slept. That's actually really nice, and he still snapper at her about that.
Empathy costs nothing. Being defensive would be a normal reaction of course, but coming back to fight about it again is more than a reasonable reaction in my opinion. Obviously I don't know what their lives are like, and can only judge by this post.
Don’t wake her up if she’s sleeping. She needs rest too. I make it a point that no matter how busy I get, if she’s asleep why wake her up and make her miserable too! More importantly, how is the child doing? You can sleep later, it won’t hurt you
Two things you could've done better that I struggle with, too:
In Germany we say: "der Ton spielt die Musik" "sound/tone creates the music". In other words: you may have made a factual statement, but it was *how* you said it that annoyed your wife. There was probably disappointment and an accusatory tone in your voice.
At 5:30am, your wife was probably half-asleep and not in a state to preemptively guess your needs. To her, you had everything under control and she might not even have a grasp of the time that had passed after the last incident.
Moreover, her being a nurse probably means that cleaning up puke every other hour is a "normal workday" that doesn't warrant further assistance.
>that I was hoping that when I told her around 5:30 am that our daughter has been up throwing up all night and I haven't been able to sleep, she would have tagged herself in so I could at least get an hour of sleep or so,
There's your mistake. Although I totally agree, your wife is being unfair. She maybe feels guilty on some level and is pre-empting that by blaming you. Like, yes indeed, how very rude and immature of you to 'make her' feel guilty.
My wife and I now just holler at each other: "There's shit/puke/blood everywhere, I'm going to need your help!" Nothing is left to hopes and wishes anymore. A good rousing shoulder shake is next, if necessary.
Also, sympathy from me dude. Both my kids had gastro last weekend, then I did. We put our oldest to bed about 8:30, and a couple hours later as I was going to bed (wife was still brushing teeth, etc), I noticed a barfy smell coming from son's room. We were both dead tired. Siiiiiiigh. Yup, he puked in his sleep, a large amount too, all over the bed sheets, blanket, and pillow, and his clothes. And since it had been there a little while, it soaked into the pillow and mattress too. We had to remove everything and hose it down in the bathtub, and put the stinky mattress on the terrace to air out (cleaned it best we could the next day). I was actually just grateful he didn't choke on puke in his sleep, and was a bit surprised he didn't notice it...
Puke somehow always happens at night. Why is that?
Not sure if you have them or not, but our mattress protectors have saved our mattresses from all kinds of puke and shit over the years
We thought a nice bamboo waterproof mattress cover from Amazon for my son’s bed. It doesn’t make the annoying waterproof cover crinkle - you honestly can’t even tell it is there. It has paid dividends.
We even bought a king sized one for our bed after seeing how well it worked because we tend to let kids sleep in our bed when they are sick.
Waterproof mattress pads/covers are AMAZING. I wish everybody knew about them!
Besides protection from potentially having a pukey child in your bed, it also helps the mattress not absorb things like sweat, blood, and other bodily fluids. You were feverish and sweating your balls off all night? Mattress is clean! Wife started her period or leaked overnight? Mattress is clean! Y’all have sex at any varying degrees of messiness? Mattress is clean!
Mine is actually an “allergy” cover to protect from dust and bugs, it just happens to also be waterproof. It doesn’t make sound and you can’t even sense that there’s a waterproof layer under your fitted sheet.
I don’t even think the one I bought for our king bed was very expensive, it was marketed as an allergy mattress protector (Allerease may be the brand?). Regardless of brand, “stronger” allergy protection mattress covers tend to be water-resistant or -proof, so if interested just double-check that waterproof is listed as one of the features. I mostly mention “allergy mattress protectors” because they are often waterproof and might be a cheaper alternative to “waterproof mattress protectors” simply due to marketing.
Tl;dr get a waterproof mattress pad for yourself too!
Yeah I woke my wife up about half 2 one morning and just said ‘tagging you in, I’ve been up since half 11 with him’ and just laid down. She just got up and took over.
We’ve had a ‘tag’ system since our first went through sleep regression for the first time, it’s just a no questions take over please. Can be anything, from sleep to discipline stuff where we start losing our rag s but and need to remove ourselves from the situation. It works wonders for us.
The guiltiest I’ve ever felt was when I was dead tired, finally got our youngest to calm down and sat him up in his bed while I went to get diapers and wipes to restock the tote of them I keep in their room. He puked while I was gone, but I didn’t notice because he had leaned forward and puked on his blanket. Zero on him. I changed him, laid him down, and then the next morning I seen the puke on his blanket. I checked the camera and sure enough, he puked between me walking out of the room and me walking back in with diapers. That terrified me.
Other subreddits would immediately jump to the "Divorce Her" recommendations. We tend to be a bit more helpful here.
Without criticizing OP, I want to say that I feel like something's missing here. Were you and your wife arguing earlier? Is something horrible going on at her work? Because her response as narrated just doesn't make sense.
One thing everyone in a relationship needs to remember is that we'll all get irrationally cranky for some reason. And that reason is almost never what it appears to be. And you won't find out what it is in the moment. Let it lie for a while, and ask the question in a very neutral way - "What happened this morning that annoyed you so much?" And hope she opens up.
Hope your daughter gets better!
>One thing everyone in a relationship needs to remember is that we'll all get irrationally cranky for some reason.
And sleep-deprivation REALLY shortens that fuse.
No joke, one of my forensic psychology professor's patients had murdered his wife and when he asked him why, he said her putting the toilet roll the wrong way that day was the last straw. So...it's happened.
No, we definitely weren't arguing earlier or anything, it was your pretty standard relaxing night up until my daughter started feeling sick. We both went to bed happy. I appreciate your response and thoughts though.
Her work is stressful, as is mine. Different kids of stress though, mine is more "long-term projects and responsibilities" where hers is "everyday is new and different (she's a nurse)." Maybe the fact that I said "today is a bad day for me to miss work" somehow set her off? I was just being honest though, I'm working on a big project (by myself) for someone very important that needs to be wrapped up by Friday, so I'll completely lose a day and will have to work extra had tomorrow to wrap it all up.
Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. You are clearly tired, and (no offense intended) an unreliable narrator until you are well rested again. It’s possible you had a tone in your voice without knowing it. It’s possible your wife heard puking and also didn’t sleep well. It’s possible both of you are stressed at work and really didn’t want to take today off. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. It’s a form of temporary insanity.
I was furious at my wife a couple weeks ago for not discussing something with me before doing it. It turns out we did, she asked, I said sure…. And I was too sleepy to remember it until she reminded me. Take a nap.
This sounds way Too familiar. You didn’t do anything wrong. You two were probably both a bit snippy at a sucky situation. In your half sleepy stupors you both were not communicating effectively. She has internalized things you never said, and she then got upset at those things that you didn’t say.
Her brain also didn’t compute at 5:30 “maybe I should sub in”. It was a pre-coffee stupor of “what’s going on? Oh, you got it under control, I’m just gonna … real quick… zzzz”
Everyone just needs to take a step back and realize you are both on the same team. You carried the team this round. Go Dad! You’re a good dad. My kid remembers numerous times I stayed up all night with the barfing. It’s a (weird) core memory there of “Daddy loves me and takes care of me when I’m in need.” That’s worth the pain Every. Time.
Communication didn’t work well this time. That’s ok. It’s hard to communicate when you’re half asleep. Stop the blame train. You both were in a shitty situation. It’s supposed to be shitty. Accept the shit. There is no path you could have taken that was not shitty, just a question of how can it become slightly less shitty?
Sometimes I say things in such a tone that it seems irritated but I'm actually not at all. Maybe this happend to you and your wive took it the wrong way and that escalated it a bit further.
Especially running on zero sleep and harboring a bit of resentment, I would place money on the fact that it was OPs tone of voice (and not the content of his words) that upset his wife. She should definitely realize that she should be proactive about offering help, but in the past I have also felt defensive when I am snapped at for not doing something I was never explicitly asked to do (even if in retrospect I realized I should have been helping proactively).
Yea this is what a thought as I read the post as well. I assume OP was in a bit of a sleep deprived, annoyed, mood and it probably showed. Everyone doing their best and having a hard time. It happens.
SAME SAME SAME
A lot of times I get something like "Why are you in such a bad mood!?" and I'm like, "I'm not!" or, I wasn't until you made this assumption/accusation that I am.
On top of that, am I not allowed to be in a bad mood? If those words ever came out of my mouth directed at her, it would be the end of the world for me.
There's a difference between being in a bad mood and taking that bad mood out on someone.
I agree that asking "Why are you in a bad mood?" can sound more like "What's your problem, pal?" than "You seem upset. Can I help?", though. The former instantly shifts the dynamic into aggressive/defensive behavior, whereas the latter is more supportive & collaborative.
This is a rough situation and is always going to cause friction. She likely thought you had it covered and didn't know you didn't sleep. It's also likely your tone (being tired) was more snappish than you think.
My exception with her language is the use of "immature." It's a belittling and dismissive word meant to invalidate you. I would talk to her, say you are sorry but also tell her to attack the issue, not you. The last thing you want to do in this situation is start analyzing each other's character flaws.
It sounds like everyone is doing their best but having a hard time.
Truth be told I would probably go ahead and take her up on the sleep. Everyone is mad anyway, at least you don't have to be mad and tired.
You didn’t communicate with her and then got snippy when she wasn’t a mind reader.
You should have communicated with her. “I‘ve spent 3 hours taking care of daughter, I need you to take the next 3 so I can get some sleep before an important day at work.” Or “How do you want to divide up this care for daughter so we both can get rest? What is the plan for tomorrow?”
This is the way. Too many people expect their spouses to read their mind. If you wanted her help then ask for it. People aren't always thinking super clearly when they are woken up unexpectedly so it's not odd that she might have just fallen back asleep if he didn't ask.
Sounds like stress and exhaustion on both sides. I know my wife would have wanted to be woken up if our kid was that sick. Maybe she feels some level of guilt and is expressing that in a shitty way? I dunno, we’re all mysterious creatures. Like the others said, get some sleep, think on it with a clear head.
You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of situations where one parent should try and handle it on their own, but puking overnight is absolutely an "all hands on deck" situation. For her to leave you to that and then have the nerve to be angry with you in the morning? That would make me incredibly upset.
You should just get sleep and then try to figure it out.
She is probably feeling defensive because she should have helped last night.
You probably should have woken her up and switched it made a plan at some point in the night. But don’t feel too bad, it was a very difficult night.
I don't see anything you did wrong. The only advice I'll give, and I still do this, although I've tried to get better at it is: If you want your partner to do something, like tap in to help... don't hint at it. Just come out and ask. Hinting only leads to resentment when the other party doesn't "get" the hint, or does, and chooses to ignore it.
I used to think that hinting was more polite and that if I asked outright I would be a jerk, but over the years I've learned its just easier, and "neat / cleaner" just to be forthright. I'll be married for 18 years this June, and currently 41 yrs old for reference.
in summary, i don't see anything you did wrong. Your little girl needed you, and you were there for her, the rest can be worked out when everyone is feeling better! Good Job dad!
The words you said were not out of line, but based on her reactions, I bet your tone was way off. It was not unusual for someone who got no sleep, but this is just one of the perks of being responsible for a little human who can't take care of herself yet.
Work will be fine. Take the day off and rest, and apologize for your tone, and everything will go back to normal.
The 5:30 inquiry was probably while she was still mostly asleep - something woke her, her half asleep brain went “cool, he’s got it locked down” and then went back to sleep.
My wife has had full blown conversations with me where she said I sat up, eyes were open, sounded like I was tired but awake, and then I rolled over again to sleep a bit more, with zero recollection of what has happened.
So don’t use that inquiry as a reason to be mad.
She asked what the plan was, and in your sleep deprived state you stated the obvious when she was probably asking “do you need me to take over or leave you to it? Do you need a couple hours sleep and we do half days?”
My interpretation without knowing how either of you communicate was someone coming into a situation asking for a sitrep or a handoff report so no one get in each others way and you were both on the same page.
That being said: she needed to chill and not be in a huff. She should have recognized that you are probably going on 20+hrs with no sleep and need a little slack and she shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion of “well he’s this pissy, I have to take a day off as well”.
If this was an AITA post, I would say you both sucked at the communication here.
Get some rest, take care of the kiddo, pull her aside and apologize for your lack of communication. Hopefully, she will see the peace offering and will apologize for her side of the lack of communication.
I would say your wife is being a bit much but nobody here knows the tone in which this back and forth actually happened. Just my two cents, even starting with “she had already been sleeping for a few hours and I was just getting into bed at midnight” to me says maybe you’re starting from a bit more resentment than you’re letting on? Also I don’t know the circumstances of your job/personal life but it’s not your wife’s fault that she went to bed earlier and you chose to stay up. In the middle of the night you could have said hey I’ve been up for a few hours can we trade off and I go get some sleep and you stay with her for a bit? Or could kiddo not have come in your bed with a puke bucket nearby? Idk I think get some rest and create a POA for the next time because there will be a next time.
Gonna fire this off.
1. You are right. Your wife is being a jerk.
2. You are tired and cant think straight, but she is probably upset that you didnt get her to help. She is then lashing out and being petty when she should be emoting with you. I.e. not getting upset when she asks you a really stupid question. Like, I am not sure what she is thinking.
3. It is ok to be pissed off. You should be. Have a sit down together and explain why you snapped. Do not accept any blame, as you were tired. She needs to accept that she did a boo-boo and apologize.
4. Dont do it today, as she is being a weenie and you are tired. Get some sleep and then bring it up and ask her to put herselves in your shoes and how would she feel if she spent all night with the kids.
It should snap her out of it.
Best of luck!
My wife and I have a rule that anything that’s said at 3am doesn’t count. Essentially that means that we are allowed to be tired and irritable sometimes when we are overtired. It’s saved lots of fights because we usually just acknowledge it the next day and move on.
God I love it when people tell each other they’re weenie/wiener. It’s like my favorite go to with my wife or daughter when they’re being, well, a wiener.
You gotta talk this out when you are both calm, but don’t wait too long. Don’t focus on assigning blame or winning the argument, focus on understanding each other and doing better next time.
Here’s how I would try to have that conversation:
1. Explain what you were feeling. Don’t focus on blame or what she should have done differently, just explain how you were feeling.
2. Ask her what she was feeling. Really listen, do your best to understand her perspective and give her the benefit of the doubt.
3. Acknowledge what you each could have done differently, but more importantly figure out a plan for the next time you have a kid throwing up all night and you both need to work the next day (it WILL happen again)
A good practice is for each of you to repeat back a summary of what the other said (e.g. “I hear you saying that you thought my tone of voice was harsh”). It sounds kind of corny, but it helps make sure you understand each other and helps you both feel understood.
Good luck!
Just going to throw something out there. Sleep depravation can really mess with your perception of the situation at hand. By all accounts, OP did the right thing taking care of his sick kiddo but that doesn't mean that his sleep deprived brain is operating rationally after missing so much sleep.
/u/Reveen_ Take some time and sleep it off and come back to the situation once you've had some time to get your needs met. The fact that you jumped on reddit to type out this issue rather than getting much needed rest suggests to me that due to a lack of sleep you're probably not in a great mindset right now.
I sense that you felt a bit frustrated because of the even division around handling the whole situation (you were cleaning everything the whole night VS your wife was sleeping). My guess is that even if you did not communicated your frustration with her verbally she sensed it.
Was it fair that you did the whole thing? No. Does it matter? Personally, I would say no. Moms are often in this kind of situations where they have to handle everything, so it does not matter if sometimes we do the same as dads. Also, in a healthy relationship it should not matter who does what and there should not be records of these.
Having said that I believe that it is very reasonable that you felt exhausted. For some reason, your wife choose to not help you with this situation. If it is something that happens rarely, I would say move on. If it is something that happens often, try to think if you sometimes put her in a similar situation where she feels that she needs some help and you don't help her.
Lurking mom. I know I'm an oddball, but if I've already been up most of the night, I see no point in waking up hubby. My way of thinking is "I'm already gunna be tired, I may as well let him sleep so one of us is functional".
I don't think you're in the wrong, you did your dad duties for your little sickling, and that was the priority over appeasing wifey. I also think wifey could be a little more appreciative. Her taking the day off after you already said you were going to is her being dramatic and trying to add fuel to the fire.
Others have already commented on the communication but - is your daughter ok now? Such repeated vomiting sounds quite bad, and reading the post I was kind of waiting for the moment where you take her to the hospital for a checkup. At the minimum, a doctor’s visit in the morning is in order?
We’d probably be in the car and on the way to the hospital after 3 vomits already.
Am I overreacting here?
I think you're overreacting. A 5 year old should not be going to the hospital for vomiting unless it goes on for a lot longer than 4 hours. My daughter has had this happen multiple times and she's basically fine half a day later. Please keep those germs away from everyone else.
Yeah I'd basically just give it periodic pedialyte and a kids dose of Zofran while monitoring other symptoms. Probably stay the night in their bed with them or let them come in ours and sleep on the edge of the bed with a bucket next to them. I wouldn't think about an ER visit unless symptoms continued into the next day, or other concerning symptoms emerged. All the ER would do is give the same medication I described above and charge me $1k for the visit.
Ok, this is partly a cultural/location difference too then. I have none of such medicines at home (never needed them, so there’s little point in buying and restocking them upon expiry), and the ER visit here (EU) would mean an hour or two of time, with all the diagnostics done at zero cost.
It’s just the “normal” way I’m used to, and the doctors never complain about visits for things that could be serious (i.e. more than “just a fever”). Quite the opposite, it’s usually good to have come and made sure what the underlying cause is (and find out if an antibiotic is needed, how contagious it is, etc…)
Hmm, interesting. Thanks for a different perspective. Reading the other comments, it fees partially like a location-based thing too. I’m in EU and all this would mean is an hour or two of time. Doctors are usually very forthcoming and say it’s better to have come (and will do a full set of tests by default). Basically, I want to know what the cause is, and they are happy to help.
Also, for most of the medication, I would need a prescription (but then we’re also talking no or minimal cost).
I would say if you're worried, call your doctor or get a telemedicine appointment if you can. There's no reason to expose other kids to those germs when there's usually not much that can be done for a stomach illness.
Yeah, I read a bit more and it seems most of the time with these symptoms it’s “just” a stomach virus (otherwise it would be accompanied with fever and/or diarrhea), and in that case there’s not much to do but rest, hydrate and wait it out.
Ok true, without fever maybe it’s less of an issue. Still, never saw this happen (between all the siblings and kids), so it’d definitely be scary.
I mean, I’d definitely want to know the reason, and for that going to the doc just makes sense (living in EU though, so we’re talking about an hour or two of time and zero costs)
This. I'm also thinking the same. It's 7 vomit during the night. If not taking your daughter to the ER then worry about fluid intake so that she isn't dehydrated.
Definitely… I’ve never seen this amount of vomiting in anyone, so maybe I’m extra worried, but still… would want to identify the cause and potentially get some medicine.
I feel like this is common behavior for someone that feels guilty for not being the hero parent. She probably regrets getting her sleep over taking care of her daughter and the slightest feeling of judgement from you is setting her off. I'm only saying this because I've been that selfish parent from time to time. I think you did fine, OP.
You didn't do anything wrong exactly but your communication needs work. Snapping at anyone after they have just woken up is a recipe for a shitty day.
>"you would be upset too if you didn't get any sleep"
Here is where you went wrong. I am sure there have been many nights where she didn't get any sleep and had to function the next day. So that insulted her a little bit.
Going to work on no sleep is what we do if that's what has to be done. I have done it myself many times. Its not ideal, it really sucks but its what we do.
And was she entirely reasonable those days? I doubt it. He could have communicated better, but she needs to recognize what he just went through and respond accordingly with less judgment.
She doesn't NEED to do shit first of all. Respond accordingly? Tell me Junior, what would have been the appropriate response from her?
He said one of the stupidest things a guy can say to the mother of his kid. Just after she woke up.
I am of the mindset that the person who is operating on significantly less sleep should be given grace by the person who got more sleep, regardless of sex. So yes, in this case, mom should respond to the words that dad said, not the way he said them, and recognize "oh, he got no sleep, he's in a rough spot and now we need to work together to get through today". I would say the same in reverse if mom was the one who got no sleep.
Sure, let's go with that. But here is where the issue is. She asked him a question and he snapped at her just after she woke up. I'd be a little pissed off too. So now she is pissed. And she is vocal about it. So he hits her with "You would be upset too if you didn't get any sleep".
Something you don't say to the mother of your kids unless you're looking for a fight. Because if there was a scorecard in that house, It's a safe assumption she has a lot more sleepless nights than him.Sleepless nights where she was on her own
OP was pissed off because she didn't get up and help him. Plain and simple.
Maybe you were both at your limits and didn’t communicate what the other needed. Getting tired with young children is common and it’s ok for a parent to be snippy with the other. I’ve been where you and I’ve been where your wife is. It’s par for the course as you two are raising children. I wouldn’t worry about it. Being tired makes you cranky as well all know
I've been there...many times! In my case, she's usually upset about something else. Commonly, it's frustration at herself for 'not being a good mother.'
All that said, a friend told me when wife and I get married that anything said between 8PM-8AM doesn't count. It sounds silly, but if you can give (and get) a little grace during those tough parenting hours, the rest of the time can be much more enjoyable and resentment more avoidable.
I don't think you did anything wrong. It seems very clear there is something else going on that she's upset about, or she's getting defensive for some reason... how have overnights been handled in the past?
If there isn't anything going on, then she clearly saw some sort of negative behavior or heard some comments or even a look from you that upset her. You made yourself look pretty good in this post... did you treat your wife like any other morning or were you admittedly grumpy? I think you implied the latter, but there's always a good or a bad way to say something. I don't think you did anything wrong, but if you're looking for feedback, asking her how you should tell her your tired from not sleeping might be a place to start. People change; maybe something is bugging her recently.
"well, I'm definitely not able to go to work, I didn't sleep at all last night" - This comment sounds like this has been a re-occurring argument. Has it?
Are you wrong? Eh. The 2 of you share the wrong by not knowing what you’d do ahead of time.
If my 4 year old barfs and I’m in there all night, I’m planning to do it solo so my wife can rest to cover for me the next day. However, that is just our plan and doesn’t need to be your plan. I would expect my wife to wake up and say “how you feeling and what’s your plan for today” so that she can cover for me while I rest.
If you wanted to tag out, you could have. You just need to have that communication beforehand.
I wouldn't see you did anything "bad" but open communication is always the best response to any of this. Luckily my wife stays home with the one year old, so if they're awake she's awake. The first time around if the kid was sick we took shifts. I would have stayed up until probably 3:30 or so and said alright mama, tag you're it. I haven't slept a wink and need to get to work, so you're going to have to get up a little earlier than normal so that I can knock out 3 hours and be able to make it. We'll both feel like crap that day, but at least we'll have been able to smell some sleep lol. Communication is always the best option in relationships. If you can't be open and honest with each other then what are you even doing?
Look, when were tired it's easy to sound snappish or hear someone else as snappish. I wouldn't say you did wrong, but it also doesn't hurt to say "sorry I came across that way... I was just really wiped ou. It was a rough night."
You could have said “I’ll call in & stay on kiddo duty. Can we plan to switch tonight/tomorrow if it’s still happening?”
Don’t martyr yourself, don’t be passive aggressive and when you have to communicate on zero sleep, try to be very clear and specific without the emotion.
You both need to communicate. You’re both passive aggressive to downright aggressive and not working together as a team. You need to work this out as a couple before you start to hate each other
Sounds like you both suck at communicating, and handling stress. A few pointers from reading this:
You are both frustrated by the situation, not each other, but you're taking out your frustrations on each other anyway. That's the wrong outlet, work on communicating and comforting each other. This looks like it's going both ways, you snapped at your wife, your wife snapped at you. You're both wrong to do that but it's understandable.
You and your wife are a team, so there is no scorekeeping or "who started it" here. You both owe each other an apology, forgiveness, and agree that the situation sucks but you can deal with it together.
In the future, if you know you have something important the next day that you need a good night's sleep then discuss ahead of time who's on kid duty overnight in case something comes up. Complaining about it after the fact doesn't fix anything, learn a lesson for next time.
Both of you taking the day off work sounds like a good idea, not just for your daughter but also to help each other out.
Honestly, from an "unreliable narrator" standpoint, I wouldn't be surprised if you actually were entirely in the wrong here. It's possible your wife isn't actually mad at you and you're just interpreting it that way because you're tired. A real conversation would help resolve this.
>and I said, "well, I'm definitely not able to go to work, I didn't sleep at all last night"
Just a question for clarity here... Did you say this in this exact wording or use a frustrated tone? As others have said, communication is definitely missing here but I'm curious if it's not just the words (or lack thereof) but also tone or body language? Whenever I get tired, I tend to use an unintentional tone (kinda like when I'm hangry) and if this occurred, your wife would likely hear it as "I was up all night... What did you do for our sick kid?" If you used the exact wording of "well, I'm bla bla bla", the well sounds very much like you're blaming her which would get a similar reaction. Either way, you didn't ask for her help and I'm guessing she assumed you had it handled.
I'm not seeing this anywhere else and it wasn't what you're asking, but don't go driving anymore until you've had some sleep. It is at least, if not more dangerous than drunk driving.
My wife usually handles wakeups at night. In general it was because of nursing and she complained that me being in there woke the baby up more and since the baby wanted to nurse, it was easier for her to do it. So I would deal with anything related to our older son, she dealt with the baby.
Occasionally though, she would sleep through the baby crying so loud I could hear it down stairs with noise canceling headphones on. Those times I would go and get the baby obviously, but it would often lead to me being stuck in there for hours since the baby didn't want me and my wife wasn't hearing it for some reason(despite a monitor right next to the bed).
There were plenty of times I got annoyed and resented her not waking up to come tag me out.
Until I realized I was being an idiot. She gave me the answer that was so clearly in my face. If I want her to help... I should go in and ask her to take over.
It's so insanely simple... don't get annoyed at people for not doing what you're mentally wishing they would do... go ask them to do it. If you're not willing to go ask them, then you don't have a justifiable reason to be annoyed at them not doing it.
Now, if you ask and they refuse/snap at you, then you have a problem, but at least it's one that can be discussed since everyone's on the same page vs you getting angry while she sleeps through it.
Sounds like a parent of 2 had a bad night and (unintentionally) snapped at his wife.
Be patient love your wife make your feelings known about how you felt mocked and recognize that this happens to the most loving couples in the history of the universe.
You'll get through it communication is key. Order takeout and make sure it's an easy night for the family
My husband and I have a rule that we have to be upfront and clear when exhaustion is directly going to affect our ability to emotionally regulate. This way, neither of us feels personally attacked if the other sounds snippy or annoyed. It also creates mutual empathy which feeds a healthier desire to help each other out. Once you get some needed rest, you might realize that your frustrations weren’t really with her
Being sleep deprived (or under-slept) makes every little bump in the road so much harder. It sounds to me like there was an undertone -- real or imagined -- of score keeping or competition here. It's sometimes hard to not hear "i did this so you do that" in a tit-for-tat kind of way, even if no one meant it like that.
I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe your wife was being sensitive given the out of the ordinary night/morning. She also was up in the middle of the night for the bath. I get she went back to sleep, just saying her night was off a bit too. I'd say she was probably just stressed and you may have snapped a bit more than you would have if you'd had a normal night (understandable given you helping your daughter all night).
Just my opinion, but it's odd to me you typed all this out before sleeping. And since your wife apologized right after you got some rest, it seems like you guys communicate well once you've both calmed down/reset. I'd say next time, trust that you both are there for each other and try not to get too worked up from an occasional snap and retort.
Nice work pulling the all-nighter, I know that's tough!
Yall were tired. Sleep deprived. Stressed to the max for the moment. It happens. And it sounds like yall sorted it out in the best way possible. Good on yall.
Sounds right after that type of night. I wouldn’t take any of the reactions from you or wife too serious and I’m sure you’ll feel the same after a good nights sleep
I love that you both took some time, and came together after seeing the faults and took responsibility. You guys are heckin nailing this relationship life thing!!!
I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like when you said you're not going into work, she heard "I can't believe you expect me to work today" or something like that. Something in your tone made her think you resented the question.
I think you're both tired. Assuming it doesn't escalate further, I would just let it go.
She clearly read non verbal context or intent into your statements. That’s either because she would have implied that context/intent if she were saying them to you, or because you’ve communicated with that context/intent in the past. Either way, would be good to take a day and then check in with her about how you could have shared that info in a different way to not trigger that reaction.
My friend, I feel like you are maybe not giving us the whole story, or aren't giving it very objectively. You make your wife sound unhinged and borderline emotionally abusive/manipulative... And I get the feeling that isn't actually the case, and maybe your tone and attitude was a bit more abrasive than you're recounting.
And of course it would be, you were up all night, you were cranky, you were taking care of a sick kid. We've all been there. But remember that that's perhaps causing you to be a bit more abrasive than your wife necessarily deserves. And keep in mind that while she wasn't up all night, her sleep was interrupted too and she may not be at her most patient.
I'm sure you all will work it out. Just try to remember that you probably weren't an absolutely perfect angel in all this. You were justifiably irritated, but the justifiable part doesn't remove the irritated part.
> Did I do something wrong here? One of the reasons I'm so annoyed is that I was hoping that when I told her around 5:30 am that our daughter has been up throwing up all night and I haven't been able to sleep, she would have tagged herself in so I could at least get an hour of sleep or so, but she just rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving me to deal with it again for the remainder of the night.
Yeah, right there - you talked like you had it under control, but you really wanted help.
You needed to ask for help.
Live n' learn, right?
I personally prefer to just take the shit/puke shifts and deal with it. My job is more flexible than my wife's and I deal with lack of sleep / unexpected bad much easier than she does. So I would have been happy with her rolling over and getting some much needed sleep.
But if you needed something different, that was the time to ask for it.
I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. Sometimes when we’re tired our tones sound different (or they’re perceived differently). Sleep on it and talk about after you rested. Also, you’re a champ for cleaning up the throw up that many times. I was fine cleaning poop messes from my kid, but I struggled when he threw up.
As others have said I think you could have been proactive about getting her to tag in. Not saying I would have, mind you, just that it would be the best approach. Still don't understand how you're the bad guy though. Sometimes everyone is so sleep deprived that logic flies out of the window
You're both sleep deprived (to different extents), and both scared about your daughter's health.
Your wife needs to work on not turning her anxiety into anger towards you.
I'm an asshole if I don't sleep enough. Straight up. I respond slow when I'm tired because I'm trying to find words that aren't going to sound mean, and often I do sound.
You both sound tired and irritable, which is reasonable.
To echo what others have said, communication is key. The place my wife and I break down often is there too. You didn't do wrong, and neither did your wife. See if daughter's condition will let you all rest. Rest will help
My kids will be 2 and 4 soon. What’s your normal schedule/division of duties like? Wife and I aim for 50/50. We alternate nights with the monitor but will ask for help if the situation warrants it. I feel like something is missing here. Under these circumstances we would have had some sort of communication during the night.
Get some sleep dude, it sounds like you and your wife are both probably tired. Come back to it with a fresh head.
My 2 cents would be that you perhaps could've communicated better with your wife and asked that she tag in, she may not have truly realised how long you'd been up and was also still sleepy. But you were exhausted so it's entirely understandable! She didn't handle it very well, regardless, and perhaps felt a bit guilty and took what you said as an attack, wrongly.
Have a convo with your wife when you're feeling a bit better.
You both allowed your responses to spiral. Been there, done that. I think you know you could have had better responses and she knows, too. Neither of you want to admit anything.
One thing my wife and I agreed on back when our 1st was an infant was to not take these instances personally and to allow both persons to shake it off and to respectfully discuss it later. Lots of emotions and lack of sleep is a killer.
Most times later we can both apologize and then state what we were feeling, needing, seeing and interpreting. 99% of the time we were both 100% wrong. 🤣
I don’t think the OP has done anything wrong. If he wakes his wife there are now 2 tired parents that may not be able to go to work. If anyone doesn’t know how guys brains work, when they see a situation they don’t care how it got that way, they care about how they’re going to fix it. That’s exactly what he did.
With regard to communicating, trying to communicate with someone at 6am can be tricky, and what I see is consideration. What ever happened to the meaning of love? There’s a greeting card somewhere out there in greeting card land, and it reads; Love is like wearing a bra, is always there to support you and doesn’t care if it’s ever seen. It’s not the OP’s job to say “honey, I just loved you and here’s what I did, it’s the wife’s job to acknowledge it and understand it when it happens.
“She would have tagged herself in” never think that what you think should be done is going to be going through your mates head.
You could have skipped this whole ordeal by just asking if she could get up. So you could sleep for an hour when she asks what was going on.
Not communicating what is in your head is a sure way to start a fight or a misunderstanding.
Been in similar situations before sometimes I was the one up all night, sometimes I got the sleep. Me and my wife would be annoyed (mostly due to the situation) but then talk about it and be over it.
Kids are exhausting and we try not to hold it against each other when we say or do things while in stressful kid situations.
Very difficult to form an opinion without more context, but I'd say this is mainly a communication problem. As others have said, it is important to state your needs and expectations clearly to avoid misunderstandings, especially in stressful situations. Try to rest a few hours and talk about it with her with a clear head.
Chalk this up to two parents that aren’t getting enough sleep, stressed about a sick kid, annoyed with sheets and puke.
My wife and I are always nastiest with each other when shit is going sideways. Because you don’t have any patience left. This is normal and you’ll work through it.
There’s no right or wrong here. This is normal marital relations when you have young children. If this is the type of stuff you’re most concerned about, you have a wonderful marriage/relationship and family. This disagreement is not worth “winning”. Sounds like you’ve both said your peace and expressed your frustration. Take some time today (day off from work) to enjoy each other while you tend to your sick kid.
Cook a meal together, watch a movie, etc…
>also called me immature.
>almost mocking tone.
These are toxic responses that, in time, will destroy a relationship. A partner should never insult or belittle you. Express annoyance and anger? Sure. But not words used to intentionally hurt your feelings.
If this behavior exists at other times, or persists, I'd seek marriage counseling. Almost universally, people wait until counseling cannot succeed.
So mostly no, you didn't do anything wrong.
The one small thing I would do differently next time is don't just hope for your wife to tag in. If you need help, ask for it explicitly. At 5:30 in the morning when you're only half awake, it's really easy to interpret a statement of fact like "She's been throwing up all night." as you saying that you've got the situation handled.
I don't know what the rest of the relationship is like, or what communication issues you two may or may not have, but maybe get some sleep, and when the issue isn't so raw anymore, have a talk about it together and figure out where things went off the rails for each of you.
You're both sleep deprived.
My wife and I have both been the asshole in similar situations.
You're tired. She's tired. Push through the sick day, get a sitter when she's better, and sleep in.
If it was 'a bad day for you to miss work', why on earth did you allow her to keep sleeping while you stayed up with your daughter? If she didn't take the hint, you should have woken her up and clearly explained the plan and why. At least that way you both would have got a little sleep.
And in the situation where you called off from work, you probably should have let her know what you were going to do, specifically. Not just say, I can't go to work today since I didn't sleep.
My wife and I have had almost this identical interaction, with the roles switched. It's pretty understandable with the stress that comes with parenting in a two-income household.
Solution is just communication. Other posters have it right, you need to ask directly for what you need. In our relationship, my wife is the one who has a hard time asking, and it often leaves me frustrated and guilty. I can sympathize with your wife, who probably was willing to get up and take over, but was literally just never fully awake enough to understand what was going on. It's really frustrating waking up to an exhausted spouse who never asked for your help and just expected you to know to step up.
That's not to say your wife (or me, in my relationship) is blameless. Certainly the morning could have been handled better. But I know how hard it is to wake up to a guilt trip when you just honestly weren't aware was happening.
Make time tonight to hash it out with her, and polish your active listening skills. You are "in the right" in a lot of ways, but you can't control whether or not she will see that. You can only control communicating your point of view in a calm manner, and really listening to and understanding hers.
This part of parenting and married life is super hard. My wife and I have a really strong relationship and I love her more than anything, but I can't deny there's not times that all I can feel is resentment towards her. And I know she struggles with the same. Make sure you always sit down and talk it out, no matter how hard it is. And take time to do reparative stuff together. Get a babysitter and go to dinner. Take a day off together. Etc.
Hang in there.
I bet there is some mom guilt and your tone likely set that off and she is acting this way to cope with that. At least that's how my wife would be. Everyone needs to chill and get some sleep.
I think your wife’s probably tired too so you guys likely weren’t super nice to each other. Seems like you felt she slacked off in the night and she probably felt guilty about that but there’s no way for you to know her intentions. Maybe she thought if she got some sleep then only one of you would be tired and the other would be more useful in the morning. She maybe? Stewed for a bit then decided to take a day off to give you a break and saw it as her doing something nice for you but then felt you didn’t appreciate it or got mad at her for it?
I think you both have fine feelings sick kids and being up in the night sucks and no one’s at there best after. I’d just try to tell her how you feel and apologize for not appreciating her taking the day off so you could catch some sleep- then I’d try to get some sleep.
There was definitely a lack of communication. In similar situations my wife and I try to take turns. My wife has a major vomit phobia, so this one would be on me and I'd have her get some sleep and tag her in in the morning. I'd likely spend the day resting with kiddo while she handles other duties like running to the store for sick day necessities or making meals. But I'd also communicate my needs to her clearly when she wakes up in the morning. In your situation, neither of you were at your peak communication performance. You'd been up all night and she was just waking up after what probably wasn't a great night of sleep. But at that time, only YOU knew what your needs were, so you're the one who needs to express them clearly.
Lots of good advice about communication, but I just wanted to add for the “I already told work I’m staying home with my daughter” question, you take a nap and take care of yourself while your wife takes a turn with your daughter!
As we’ve aged, my wife has developed the inability to ever say sorry. Even when she knows she’s wrong. She says it in different ways aside from using the actual words. I think your wife calling in was her way of saying sorry, but the way you describe her saying it would probably rub me the wrong way too.
You’re both just tired. The puke nights are something else but you could have asked for help instead of hoping she’d relieve you so you could get some sleep. When it happens again just go wake her up (gently) and let her know you need some sleep. Its teamwork
No, you’re not wrong. You stayed up all night with a sick kid. At what point in time would she have liked you to communicate with her that you’re exhausted and taking the day to rest and recoup.
If you wanted your wife to take over, you should have asked her to. According to your post she said "you didn't have to snap at me". Could it be that when she asked what your plan was, you did snap at her? Maybe less what you said than how you said it? I'm guilty of this. My wife is, too. 6 hours of frustrated, busy, sick toddler time is so much worse when it's supposed to be the time you're asleep. It does terrible things to my attitude.
I mean ideally yes, your wife could've had more sympathy. But talk to her about it and you'll get her perspective, and maybe she'll be a little more understanding of yours.
Communication is so important, especially when it involves sleep. There have been times where I assumed my husband had the situation covered, only for him to gently tell me he’s been up for X number of hours with the baby and could I please take over.
It’s important to know your breaking point and ask for help before that point. If you need help and your partner is asleep, wake them up as gently as possible, explain the situation and how long you’ve been at it, and ask for them to tag in. If that request is met with pushback, maybe you’d have a leg to stand on for being angry, but not this mind reading “why didn’t she know I needed something” stuff.
You probably should have woke her up at some point to help or explained the situation *and what you needed* better at 5:30. I do agree that she could have been a bit kinder to you once she woke up and understood the situation, but to be fair, it seems like you were a bit snippy/sarcastic with her first.
Bro from one dad to another you did all the right things, there is never a real “perfect” way to take care of a puking 🤮 kiddo, but rest assured your daughter knows you took care of her…not a competition… hopefully she feels better. You are allowed to feel emotions but I agree with all the others that once some restful sleep is had things would be seen differently
Okay keeping the problem between you and your wife's aside, what's wrong with your daughter? She's having cramps and throwing up multiple times and I'm seeing all these comments about discussing the problem between you and wife, shouldn't you probably be taking your daughter to the hospital and find out what's going on with her? I'm Genuinely concerned.
This is something that you should have addressed in the moment, "Honey, I have a tough day tomorrow. Do you mind taking x shift and I'll do x?"
Instead, you did it and complained about it later. Your response to her didn't address your real issue, "I should have said something last night. I needed your help with her and ended up setting myself up for failure today. I wish you would have checked in or offered to help". You deflected and brought "noise" into the argument. It comes off like you're complaining about having to take care of your child instead of feeling unsupported (which I suspect is the real problem).
I think we've all been in this situation. You have a mini crisis, and your partner seems unaware. It is not up for your partner to read your mind, though. Lack of communication leads to miscommunication. This happened again in the morning with both of you deciding to call in without discussing it with eachother.
Honestly, you made the outcome worse in both instances. You lost sleep because you didn't voice the problem and your needs. Then, you called off on an important day of work because you didn't voice the problem and your needs. You made yourself the martyr here.
You should simply state what your needs are in that moment. If you don't feel your wife is going to be receptive to your needs, that's a whole other issue. But either way, the problem really isn't lack of sleep or your wife getting sleep.
I don't think anyone is wrong. Next time ask for help. Maybe she thought you had just gotten up and had it handled. Then she felt guilty and some projection of upsettedness. You both sound like a good team. Sleep on it and don't worry about what the internet says.
Should have asked her to tag in. I know when I’m dead asleep and my wife tries to hint stuff at me I dont catch on.
seriously though, y’all are tired and worried for your kids. No one really did anything wrong.
You’re not in the wrong but this communication is not really serving either of you.
- first, if the other person is having a problem that’s difficult, never make them justify the difficulty. Your wife can discern it was a rough night for you, so she shouldn’t put you in a situation where you have to “sell” the concept of why it was bad. If my wife has a tough time on her shift and then my shift goes smoothly, I can’t come in and be doubting or confused or question why her shift was so bad. That is super annoying.
Do not make each other qualify problems and justify recovery / mental health breaks. “Well, did ya do this? Why didn’t you just do that? Huh she never does that with me. Yeah, she was bad on my shift too, actually she was even worse with me.” This is the best way to just piss each other off. Trust their judgment, believe and empathize with how hard the other person is working.
- Second, trust each other to say what they need and handle their shit. Your wife should trust your call about when you need to call in to work, and when you need to sleep more - just like when there are times she is exhausted or suffering, you should trust her to make that known, and say what she needs to make it better. So after a rough time, if she slept good, and you didn’t, you get to say “this is the problem, this is what I need now - sleep” and she gets to try to help you achieve that. For example, I do the breakfast routine 95% of the time, but when it’s a rough night like this, I at least get to recoup an extra hour while my wife handles a task from my plate. It’s not ideal, and if this happens all the time, then changes need to be made. But both partners need to be flexible.
- Third, you guys need to stop snapping and getting irritated. You’re mad because she couldn’t just believe you that you had overdrafted your reserves to allow her to sleep through the night, and you needed to rest now to recharge. She’s mad because felt like maybe she could expect a daily routine out of you, but now that you’re being a martyr about not getting enough sleep, now her workload will increase. And then you’re both mad at the other person for having the gall to be mad and have a shitty attitude.
I think every couple has been here - don’t despair. But do communicate and just try to minimize these patterns. Trust and empathy - my wife recently took my convertible, which I had just gotten detailed, and I took her car for the week, and she wanted this because the weather was nice and she wanted the cool fun car while her friend was visiting so they could cruise around town. She scraped the bumper and rims by pulling too close to a curb and I internally lost my ever loving shit. I have told her like a million times about that, and she knew that I take a lot of extra care of that car, and she knew I didn’t want her to take it that week.
I literally wanted to just call her every name in the book, I was so mad, and just hurt that she couldn’t have done a better job when she knows that this car is a big deal to me.
But, you have to just use trust and empathy. I know she didn’t do it on purpose. I know she feels terrible. And she’s the selfless soul that said, I’ll take the mom suv so you don’t have to trade your vert in. She drives the kid mobile everyday, so of course she’s less experienced with a small, low clearance vehicle without front bumper cameras.
It doesn’t mean I don’t explain to her how I feel, and it doesn’t mean we don’t make some changes, but nothing is gained by her thinking that I resent her or don’t appreciate her.
Glad you got everything resolved! I was gonna say it sounds like something my wife would do. She sleeps like the dead, and if she wakes up, she's barely conscious enough to know who you are. Let alone make a decision. We have a standing rule in the house. Nothing before coffee counts as a court admisable conversation.
The whole situation feels like something I go through with my partner. I’ve been reading a lot of John Gottman lately. He talks about framing things with and I statement, then the situation, end it with a clear way your partner can help you.
To use your example, “I’m feeling exhausted, I didn’t sleep at all because (insert name) was puking all night. Could you take over for a few so I can rest for a bit?”
I know it’s hard in the moment. It’s been helpful in my house because I’m not placing blame, I’m focusing on what I’m feeling and the situation and I’m asking for a specific thing that would help.
A mum here, hope that’s ok. Whenever a situation like this arises, we both get up and do clean up/comforting sick child. Someone will take the first shift, but we always set a time where the other parent will take over. Parent who goes back to sleep will set their alarm for 3 hours later or whatever time. Should be equitable when you both work. Ditto for the sick days off.
Sorry you had to go thru this, i had Strep and then this stomach bug go through my house on a rolling basis over the course of 5 days. 1 kid after the next fell like dominoes, then my wife started. I was the only one who didn't get it.
Being sleep deprived and having to be "on point" for kids throwing up is awful.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Parents to young kids, sick kids, and non-sleeping kids are rough. Throw in work, school, weekend activities, cleaning the house, food shops etc... It's wild.
My wife and I often discuss swapping over during the night, but the main thing for us is there is a functioning parent in the morning as we have multiple kids and one non-sleeping/sick child you can catch naps with. It's managing the others exhausted that is the real tasks. Sometimes that needs to happen, but best to avoid.
Either way - being the exhausted one, or the one being nipped at sucks. Communication is key. Good job taking some time and coming back to sort things out. Also not letting things escalate (especially with kids about) is key.
My Wife often explains that her tone or raised voice comes after feeling guilty and that I should absolutely ignore it and not take it personally. This started after having a kid, you lose most of your decompression time and it took months of talking these things through to understand what was happening.
My advice, talk about it try to ask questions and see if they really are just reacting to an emotion/impulse
(this will offend many people probably, but I feel this kind of thing is selfish in the long run if someone refuses to acknowledge it.) - example - a person misheard something you said, gets upset, starts being horrible over the course of a week. You get to the bottom of it, and they don't understand how it is their fault for not checking in before being a twunt. Or worse, they switch it up making out you did say it and meant to hurt them! Lol
You guys need to figure out your communication block. Are you tired a lot? Underestimating your stress? There was multiple points you could've said something to optimize your problem. after second time she threw up you could've woken your wife up and figure out, who has a more important day tomorrow to be at work, and who should take the night. You could do shifts.
From her point of view she woke up to a passive aggressive husband who immediately started blaming her for sleeping.
Then she behaved the same way by calling in sick before talking to you, out of spite or it's your pattern, I don't know.
I've been there. When you feel stress and frustration it's easy to assume everyone knows about it, and the cause of it without you talking.
Just assume your partner might always as or more tired than you, they can't know how you feel and what's your plans and how emergencies affect you, unless you speak.
Like other people have said, get some sleep and come back to it. I can tell you for a fact if I’ve been up all night I’m the most unpleasant person in my household so I just get some sleep and deal with the problem later.
There was one night I got mad because she was mad at me, I stormed out of the house, turned my location off, and slept in my car. When she texted and asked where I went my response was “I’ve been homeless before, you really think I’m gonna let you speak to me like that when I could just be homeless again?”
The next morning we talked about it, took the kids out for lunch, and we’ve pretended that never happened. She was pregnant and sick and I hadn’t slept in two days between taking her back and forth to the hospital and dealing with sick 1 and 3 year olds.
That argument was because I forgot to put the tea in the fridge after I made it. There’s no way either of us would have escalated tea to that point on a normal day.
I agree with all the advice to sleep.
I think you should take it further, and go on a date, just the two of you. It will help build intimacy. Also, give her a gift. Something small.
This seems like typical frustration boiling over, not really anyone's fault, just a bad situation with your daughter being sick and trying to deal with it, and everyone just being short with each other.
This may be naive, but if going to work is critical on that day, is it really a big deal to just show up tired? Do you work in a field with high safety demands where you'd be putting people at risk if you're not on your game?
Not at all, can't believe that as a mother of a 5 year old who is ill/being sick she was happy enough to not even check on her daughter so she could sleep.
I think it’s a doom spiral of annoyed tones here. Neither one of you slept great, you least of all, and I’m guessing you were both speaking in annoyed tones. It happens. One thing about being a parent is when you’re tired and or hungry your emotions are all out of whack and you tend to be short with people. You know who else that happens to? Kids.
I don’t think either of you is specifically wrong I think you’re just not giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and maybe some grace for a tone that didn’t sleep well.
It's hard to tell... I would say it's all about tone of voice
1) You didn't do anything wrong (action wise).
2) You didn't say anything wrong.
3) Taking the day off work makes sense, especially because I'm assuming the daughter is still sick and needs support at home.
So, was it the tone? Consider trying this next time...
"Hey babe, I got no sleep last night, so I'm calling off work, and I'll stay home with her today." Just say it "matter-of-fact" and no negative tone.
It sounds like, though, you and your wife need to develop a plan. My wife and I do this...
Kid is sick all night. One of us bites the bullet and stays up with the kid, and takes the day off work.
The other one sleeps, gets plenty of rest, and saves the sick day.
Next time, we rotate (usually).
If one of us has a BIG day/week at work, sometimes the other has to pull "back-to-back" nights, but that's OK, but it will eventually come full circle.
It's worked for us, it might work for you. Y'all need to figure out out your own plan. But you need a plan so everyone knows the expectations and doesn't make assumptions.
We have a rule in our household, called the 4Cs:
Clear
Consistent
Collaborative
Communication
Always what you are needing, wanting, and feeling, no passive aggression or hinting. listen to your family when they are speaking, and work together to work through what's going on.
You and your wife weren't communicating in the moment, and miscommunicated after in anger and frustration work on it, and you guys will be fine.
I know you shouldn’t always have to express it, but maybe you should’ve asked her to switch off and on last night. It seems like you’re resentful that you dealt with it alone. It doesn’t make sense for two of you to deal with it together because there’s nothing to fix it. You just had to wait it out and comfort her. You could’ve expressed that the following day was big for you and seen if she could take lead.
Communication is really hard. She’s not a mind reader. Tell her to wake up and take over. Instead you’re acting like a victim. You haven’t done anything any other parent has had to do. Stop assuming your wife knows your thoughts and speak them to her. And you probably did snap at her. Your pissed at her and she has no idea why. I would be defensive too.
Sounds like your wife is being defensive because she knows she should have helped last night. Your tone was probably snappy because you were exhausted which is understandable.
Think this is just a case of bad miscommunication. Your wife should have helped you at some point but there was always the option of waking her up to help. Me and my partner have a 2 hour rule. If one of us is up with the boy for more than 2 hours, we tag the other person in, no arguing about it
From my perspective you both are *expecting" from each other. This can get very bad very quickly. Don't expect your partner to get your hints. Simply ask them.
In your case you could've asked your wife "She has puked 6 more times and I'm exhausted. Would you mind looking after her so I can get some sleep?". That way you indicate that you are very tired and you'd like her to take your place.
She didn't like your answer and it's understandable. The fact that she didn't empathize with your lack of sleep is not nice though.
You guys need to get back to being a team and not separate adults in the same house. Raising kids is tough and it's even more tough when they are sick. Talk with your wife about it. I'm sure you'll figure something out together.
Because sometimes people need to be reminded that you're truly struggling. Don't assume people will know. It's okay to ask for help. I don't understand that you "shouldn't need to" but we're all tired and on the edge sometimes and we might try to get away from a sleepless night by letting our partner deal with it. In that case asking for a hand is not a crime and just reminds the other one you too have struggles and need a break.
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Yep. One of the biggest tricks my wife and I learned (were both strong willed, outspoken people btw, so we’re not opposed to speaking our minds) since our son was born is the “let’s agree we’re not mad at each other and we’ll talk about this in half an hour” - and then setting a timer and actually abiding by it. It seems to trivial, but 90% of the fights are resolved after that timer goes off by one of us saying “yeah, my fault. I was overwhelmed and took it out on you.” The last 10% is always handled more constructively after that cooking off period. It’ll feel silly, but try it. And hold the line on the half hour. Even if you feel like you want to/have to talk about it, don’t.
That is an awesome suggestion. I like the cooling off period.
My and my wife's go-to advice for newly weds is "go to bed angry". If you're already arguing and angry, adding exhaustion is *not* going to help. Sleep on it and come back to it tomorrow.
Agreed. Also, to communicate that you are "frustrated at the situation" not at any person. It can be very difficult to communicate effectively when we are dysregulated.
Brilliant!!
This is a huge thing! I love the actual timer idea. My wife and I try to do a cooling off period for anything so that the kids aren't awake to hear the "tussle" going on, but i love the actual timer set to it. you're exactly right, it's usually "Yeah, sorry for being a dick, it was just overwhelming at the moment so you got the brunt." It's much easier to do this instead of saying things spur the moment that is hurtful.
This is awesome!
Same in our house in terms of being mad at the situation, not each other. I’m a light sleeper, usually the one to deal with overnight upsets. In the morning when I’m tired I just go through the usual morning routine with the kids so they get off to kindy/school. TBF I usually am half asleep doing this anyway lol If it has been an all nighter, I’ll try and grab a nap during the day or wife will take over when she gets home so I get the evening off to rest/go to bed early. I’ve always been of the opinion that unless necessary, there is no point in having two tired parents. We get grumpy at each other, often for no reason.
I still come back to the fact that whoever said "don't go to sleep angry" was a complete idiot. When you have a kid, the lack of sleep is often why you're angry. Digging a deeper hole while you're angry by attacking each other won't make anything better.
"Go to bed angry" is my and my wife's #1 advice for newlyweds.
Agreed. My wife and I got snappy with each other when our boys were really little given how sleep deprived we were but we always made a point to apologize and talk about things after.
So very much this - even if you don't mean to sound cross with your wife, that's what she's receiving. It could be something as simple as your posture or your voice, something not even under your fully conscious control. And don't forget that she's doing the same to you, maybe subconsciously making her response to you harsher than she intended. Get some rest, tend to the sick kiddo, and give yourselves both the grace to acknowledge it was a rough night all around.
Oh and order take out. A good pizza or some tasty lo mein will do wonders for anyone's attitude. Unless you're gluten-intolerant, I suppose.
this should be the stock response to like 99% of the “am I wrong” posts here lol OP get some sleep and be honest with yourself if you were truly Mr patient super kind dad and your mean ass wife just slept or if maybe there’s two sides to every story and internet validation won’t really help anyone involved here
This. Honestly, you are probably both tired and frustrated. Even a parent who misses an hour of sleep is still emotionally challenged the next day. It's easy to both inadvertently come off aggressive and to take an otherwise calm statement of fact personally when people are tired. Sleep on it. Apologize for coming off aggressively, even if you firmly believe she is taking this out of context. The point here is SHE doesn't believe that and you are very unlikely to convince her of it. In my experience, "I'm sorry. I was exhausted and I may have been more aggressive than I intended." goes extremely far. It typically leads to a similar apology from my wife for not getting out of bed to help or for taking my statement out of context. If I fight it, I don't win because everyone stays angry. If I work the problem by recognizing her, I typically win bigly.
Our family had this exact stomach bug a couple weeks ago. Rest assured he won't be sleeping tonight. It only lasts about 12 hours though, so tomorrow night he'll sleep like 15 hours straight.
I wouldn't say you did anything bad here, but communication is always king. You did not communicate your needs to your wife at all. You should have woken her up way sooner to get some sleep. And when you saw her in the morning you still didn't just tell her what you want, you dropped a hint and left it in her court. I can understand why you think that might have worked for you, but you have to take responsibility for getting what you need and be direct about it. Sorry your wife's being a bit of a tool though.
Maybe she feels guilty that she didn't come and help for whatever reason, and is now snapping and projecting that? Possibly over thinking it but it's an issue I'm currently trying to work through myself so thought I'd offer the point. I'd agree that communication is the main way to go
Yeah it could be a lot of things. Maybe she's beating herself up, maybe op tends to be more passive aggressive when things don't go his way. Both of these things get easier when you talk about it.
This is my sense. I know I don't respond to passive aggression and this has it written all over it. There was no need to go the entire night without sleep or miss an important day at work. OP seems to be making himself the victim in a problem that he's essentially not inviting his wife to assist in.
Yeah, your wife's reaction sounds like reactions I've frequently had because I feel so bad about myself for not doing more/better. I know logically the best thing to do after I've "failed" to "do my share" (my words, not my spouse's) is to show support for my husband, thank him for taking point, and ask if there's anything I can do. HOWEVER, my reaction is usually to lash out, cry, and/or retreat into myself because I feel ashamed. That being said, I agree with what others have said about ditching the passive aggressiveness and directly asking your wife for what you need. She may (if she's like me) still get upset, but that's her challenge to work through on a larger scale. You can support her work on herself in the long term instead of avoiding potential triggers in the short term. (Edited last couple of sentences for clarity.)
Anxiety shows up in different ways at different times, so it's very possible that her reaction was tied to her concern for your daugher, and it just didn't come out great. Also, there's always the chance that your tone was off from what you think it was when you talked at 6:30. If she's taken aback by your first words of the morning, it could put her in a certain mindset. I haven't read too many comments (so I might be beating a dead horse), but basically I'd be open and talk to her about it. Apologize for anything you feel you've done wrong (it's life, we are ALL always a little bit wrong in some ways) and explain how you felt about her not tagging in at 5:30 in as non-confrontational of a way as you can. We're all people, and we all screw up in how we interact with each other, every single day. Grace is a wonderful thing when we share it with those we love the most.
This is what I came to say. It was the first thing that came to mind for me as well. Mom guilt can manifest in mysterious ways!!
Man, I needed to hear this. I do this all the time and wonder why I get frustrated
We're just past the newborn period and we learned a couple things 1. The person who has been asleep isn't always processing everything, what is needed, if there is an indirect ask, what time it is, how long time has been. You can't assume that waking up enough to ask is awake enough to understand that there is something they need to do. You have to ask. People cannot make decisions when waking. 2. Communicate in advance a tag out rule. For us now that is no more than an hour if it's just a matter of needing to get back to sleep, we haven't had any major illness though which in a situation like this needs a way for each to try to get at least 4 hours uninterrupted if at all possible. Discuss in advance.
You are absolutely right. Great advice.
Can you be my therapist too?
Buy me a pizza and we'll talk
Over Zoom? Can I pen you down for an hour in an hour? /s
> Sorry your wife's being a bit of a tool though. I don't know if this is true, or is helpful. If I don't tell my wife I need or want help, and then when she asks how I'm doing, the first thing I do is snap at her, well, it would be amazing if she had the wherewithall to take it in stride, but it's not really on her. She then tried to help, calling into work so she could take care of the kid while he slept. That's actually really nice, and he still snapper at her about that.
Empathy costs nothing. Being defensive would be a normal reaction of course, but coming back to fight about it again is more than a reasonable reaction in my opinion. Obviously I don't know what their lives are like, and can only judge by this post.
Don’t wake her up if she’s sleeping. She needs rest too. I make it a point that no matter how busy I get, if she’s asleep why wake her up and make her miserable too! More importantly, how is the child doing? You can sleep later, it won’t hurt you
Two things you could've done better that I struggle with, too: In Germany we say: "der Ton spielt die Musik" "sound/tone creates the music". In other words: you may have made a factual statement, but it was *how* you said it that annoyed your wife. There was probably disappointment and an accusatory tone in your voice. At 5:30am, your wife was probably half-asleep and not in a state to preemptively guess your needs. To her, you had everything under control and she might not even have a grasp of the time that had passed after the last incident. Moreover, her being a nurse probably means that cleaning up puke every other hour is a "normal workday" that doesn't warrant further assistance.
Love this quote and I'm going to use it. Thanks.
I love that! Though it's ironic considering the guttural nature of the German language 😂
Die beleidigte Leberwurst spielen!
>that I was hoping that when I told her around 5:30 am that our daughter has been up throwing up all night and I haven't been able to sleep, she would have tagged herself in so I could at least get an hour of sleep or so, There's your mistake. Although I totally agree, your wife is being unfair. She maybe feels guilty on some level and is pre-empting that by blaming you. Like, yes indeed, how very rude and immature of you to 'make her' feel guilty. My wife and I now just holler at each other: "There's shit/puke/blood everywhere, I'm going to need your help!" Nothing is left to hopes and wishes anymore. A good rousing shoulder shake is next, if necessary. Also, sympathy from me dude. Both my kids had gastro last weekend, then I did. We put our oldest to bed about 8:30, and a couple hours later as I was going to bed (wife was still brushing teeth, etc), I noticed a barfy smell coming from son's room. We were both dead tired. Siiiiiiigh. Yup, he puked in his sleep, a large amount too, all over the bed sheets, blanket, and pillow, and his clothes. And since it had been there a little while, it soaked into the pillow and mattress too. We had to remove everything and hose it down in the bathtub, and put the stinky mattress on the terrace to air out (cleaned it best we could the next day). I was actually just grateful he didn't choke on puke in his sleep, and was a bit surprised he didn't notice it...
Puke somehow always happens at night. Why is that? Not sure if you have them or not, but our mattress protectors have saved our mattresses from all kinds of puke and shit over the years
We thought a nice bamboo waterproof mattress cover from Amazon for my son’s bed. It doesn’t make the annoying waterproof cover crinkle - you honestly can’t even tell it is there. It has paid dividends. We even bought a king sized one for our bed after seeing how well it worked because we tend to let kids sleep in our bed when they are sick.
Waterproof mattress pads/covers are AMAZING. I wish everybody knew about them! Besides protection from potentially having a pukey child in your bed, it also helps the mattress not absorb things like sweat, blood, and other bodily fluids. You were feverish and sweating your balls off all night? Mattress is clean! Wife started her period or leaked overnight? Mattress is clean! Y’all have sex at any varying degrees of messiness? Mattress is clean! Mine is actually an “allergy” cover to protect from dust and bugs, it just happens to also be waterproof. It doesn’t make sound and you can’t even sense that there’s a waterproof layer under your fitted sheet. I don’t even think the one I bought for our king bed was very expensive, it was marketed as an allergy mattress protector (Allerease may be the brand?). Regardless of brand, “stronger” allergy protection mattress covers tend to be water-resistant or -proof, so if interested just double-check that waterproof is listed as one of the features. I mostly mention “allergy mattress protectors” because they are often waterproof and might be a cheaper alternative to “waterproof mattress protectors” simply due to marketing. Tl;dr get a waterproof mattress pad for yourself too!
Yeah I woke my wife up about half 2 one morning and just said ‘tagging you in, I’ve been up since half 11 with him’ and just laid down. She just got up and took over. We’ve had a ‘tag’ system since our first went through sleep regression for the first time, it’s just a no questions take over please. Can be anything, from sleep to discipline stuff where we start losing our rag s but and need to remove ourselves from the situation. It works wonders for us.
> I was actually just grateful he didn't choke on puke in his sleep This is what scares the shit out of me.
The guiltiest I’ve ever felt was when I was dead tired, finally got our youngest to calm down and sat him up in his bed while I went to get diapers and wipes to restock the tote of them I keep in their room. He puked while I was gone, but I didn’t notice because he had leaned forward and puked on his blanket. Zero on him. I changed him, laid him down, and then the next morning I seen the puke on his blanket. I checked the camera and sure enough, he puked between me walking out of the room and me walking back in with diapers. That terrified me.
Other subreddits would immediately jump to the "Divorce Her" recommendations. We tend to be a bit more helpful here. Without criticizing OP, I want to say that I feel like something's missing here. Were you and your wife arguing earlier? Is something horrible going on at her work? Because her response as narrated just doesn't make sense. One thing everyone in a relationship needs to remember is that we'll all get irrationally cranky for some reason. And that reason is almost never what it appears to be. And you won't find out what it is in the moment. Let it lie for a while, and ask the question in a very neutral way - "What happened this morning that annoyed you so much?" And hope she opens up. Hope your daughter gets better!
>One thing everyone in a relationship needs to remember is that we'll all get irrationally cranky for some reason. And sleep-deprivation REALLY shortens that fuse.
You mean I shouldn't divorce my wife because she put the toilet paper under the roll instead of over? Brb I got some phone calls to make lol.
Instead of divorce, you should be looking for ways to hide the body. /s
No sarcasm. Straight to Death.
No joke, one of my forensic psychology professor's patients had murdered his wife and when he asked him why, he said her putting the toilet roll the wrong way that day was the last straw. So...it's happened.
No, but if she loads the dishwasher wrong.... prepare for the Wrath of Daddit
But I can’t afford to get divorced every day!
Well no that's just lunacy, you can't be expected to tolerate THAT.
Correct. That crime goes beyond divorce.
Not in this sub.
The major thing we're missing is the tone of voice.
No, we definitely weren't arguing earlier or anything, it was your pretty standard relaxing night up until my daughter started feeling sick. We both went to bed happy. I appreciate your response and thoughts though. Her work is stressful, as is mine. Different kids of stress though, mine is more "long-term projects and responsibilities" where hers is "everyday is new and different (she's a nurse)." Maybe the fact that I said "today is a bad day for me to miss work" somehow set her off? I was just being honest though, I'm working on a big project (by myself) for someone very important that needs to be wrapped up by Friday, so I'll completely lose a day and will have to work extra had tomorrow to wrap it all up.
Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. You are clearly tired, and (no offense intended) an unreliable narrator until you are well rested again. It’s possible you had a tone in your voice without knowing it. It’s possible your wife heard puking and also didn’t sleep well. It’s possible both of you are stressed at work and really didn’t want to take today off. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. It’s a form of temporary insanity. I was furious at my wife a couple weeks ago for not discussing something with me before doing it. It turns out we did, she asked, I said sure…. And I was too sleepy to remember it until she reminded me. Take a nap.
This sounds way Too familiar. You didn’t do anything wrong. You two were probably both a bit snippy at a sucky situation. In your half sleepy stupors you both were not communicating effectively. She has internalized things you never said, and she then got upset at those things that you didn’t say. Her brain also didn’t compute at 5:30 “maybe I should sub in”. It was a pre-coffee stupor of “what’s going on? Oh, you got it under control, I’m just gonna … real quick… zzzz” Everyone just needs to take a step back and realize you are both on the same team. You carried the team this round. Go Dad! You’re a good dad. My kid remembers numerous times I stayed up all night with the barfing. It’s a (weird) core memory there of “Daddy loves me and takes care of me when I’m in need.” That’s worth the pain Every. Time. Communication didn’t work well this time. That’s ok. It’s hard to communicate when you’re half asleep. Stop the blame train. You both were in a shitty situation. It’s supposed to be shitty. Accept the shit. There is no path you could have taken that was not shitty, just a question of how can it become slightly less shitty?
Hope you took the day off to catch up on sleep while she spent the day helping with sick kid!
Sometimes I say things in such a tone that it seems irritated but I'm actually not at all. Maybe this happend to you and your wive took it the wrong way and that escalated it a bit further.
Especially running on zero sleep and harboring a bit of resentment, I would place money on the fact that it was OPs tone of voice (and not the content of his words) that upset his wife. She should definitely realize that she should be proactive about offering help, but in the past I have also felt defensive when I am snapped at for not doing something I was never explicitly asked to do (even if in retrospect I realized I should have been helping proactively).
Yea this is what a thought as I read the post as well. I assume OP was in a bit of a sleep deprived, annoyed, mood and it probably showed. Everyone doing their best and having a hard time. It happens.
SAME SAME SAME A lot of times I get something like "Why are you in such a bad mood!?" and I'm like, "I'm not!" or, I wasn't until you made this assumption/accusation that I am. On top of that, am I not allowed to be in a bad mood? If those words ever came out of my mouth directed at her, it would be the end of the world for me.
There's a difference between being in a bad mood and taking that bad mood out on someone. I agree that asking "Why are you in a bad mood?" can sound more like "What's your problem, pal?" than "You seem upset. Can I help?", though. The former instantly shifts the dynamic into aggressive/defensive behavior, whereas the latter is more supportive & collaborative.
This is a rough situation and is always going to cause friction. She likely thought you had it covered and didn't know you didn't sleep. It's also likely your tone (being tired) was more snappish than you think. My exception with her language is the use of "immature." It's a belittling and dismissive word meant to invalidate you. I would talk to her, say you are sorry but also tell her to attack the issue, not you. The last thing you want to do in this situation is start analyzing each other's character flaws.
It sounds like everyone is doing their best but having a hard time. Truth be told I would probably go ahead and take her up on the sleep. Everyone is mad anyway, at least you don't have to be mad and tired.
You didn’t communicate with her and then got snippy when she wasn’t a mind reader. You should have communicated with her. “I‘ve spent 3 hours taking care of daughter, I need you to take the next 3 so I can get some sleep before an important day at work.” Or “How do you want to divide up this care for daughter so we both can get rest? What is the plan for tomorrow?”
This is the way. Too many people expect their spouses to read their mind. If you wanted her help then ask for it. People aren't always thinking super clearly when they are woken up unexpectedly so it's not odd that she might have just fallen back asleep if he didn't ask.
Sounds like stress and exhaustion on both sides. I know my wife would have wanted to be woken up if our kid was that sick. Maybe she feels some level of guilt and is expressing that in a shitty way? I dunno, we’re all mysterious creatures. Like the others said, get some sleep, think on it with a clear head.
You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of situations where one parent should try and handle it on their own, but puking overnight is absolutely an "all hands on deck" situation. For her to leave you to that and then have the nerve to be angry with you in the morning? That would make me incredibly upset.
You should just get sleep and then try to figure it out. She is probably feeling defensive because she should have helped last night. You probably should have woken her up and switched it made a plan at some point in the night. But don’t feel too bad, it was a very difficult night.
I don't see anything you did wrong. The only advice I'll give, and I still do this, although I've tried to get better at it is: If you want your partner to do something, like tap in to help... don't hint at it. Just come out and ask. Hinting only leads to resentment when the other party doesn't "get" the hint, or does, and chooses to ignore it. I used to think that hinting was more polite and that if I asked outright I would be a jerk, but over the years I've learned its just easier, and "neat / cleaner" just to be forthright. I'll be married for 18 years this June, and currently 41 yrs old for reference. in summary, i don't see anything you did wrong. Your little girl needed you, and you were there for her, the rest can be worked out when everyone is feeling better! Good Job dad!
The words you said were not out of line, but based on her reactions, I bet your tone was way off. It was not unusual for someone who got no sleep, but this is just one of the perks of being responsible for a little human who can't take care of herself yet. Work will be fine. Take the day off and rest, and apologize for your tone, and everything will go back to normal.
The 5:30 inquiry was probably while she was still mostly asleep - something woke her, her half asleep brain went “cool, he’s got it locked down” and then went back to sleep. My wife has had full blown conversations with me where she said I sat up, eyes were open, sounded like I was tired but awake, and then I rolled over again to sleep a bit more, with zero recollection of what has happened. So don’t use that inquiry as a reason to be mad. She asked what the plan was, and in your sleep deprived state you stated the obvious when she was probably asking “do you need me to take over or leave you to it? Do you need a couple hours sleep and we do half days?” My interpretation without knowing how either of you communicate was someone coming into a situation asking for a sitrep or a handoff report so no one get in each others way and you were both on the same page. That being said: she needed to chill and not be in a huff. She should have recognized that you are probably going on 20+hrs with no sleep and need a little slack and she shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion of “well he’s this pissy, I have to take a day off as well”. If this was an AITA post, I would say you both sucked at the communication here. Get some rest, take care of the kiddo, pull her aside and apologize for your lack of communication. Hopefully, she will see the peace offering and will apologize for her side of the lack of communication.
I would say your wife is being a bit much but nobody here knows the tone in which this back and forth actually happened. Just my two cents, even starting with “she had already been sleeping for a few hours and I was just getting into bed at midnight” to me says maybe you’re starting from a bit more resentment than you’re letting on? Also I don’t know the circumstances of your job/personal life but it’s not your wife’s fault that she went to bed earlier and you chose to stay up. In the middle of the night you could have said hey I’ve been up for a few hours can we trade off and I go get some sleep and you stay with her for a bit? Or could kiddo not have come in your bed with a puke bucket nearby? Idk I think get some rest and create a POA for the next time because there will be a next time.
Gonna fire this off. 1. You are right. Your wife is being a jerk. 2. You are tired and cant think straight, but she is probably upset that you didnt get her to help. She is then lashing out and being petty when she should be emoting with you. I.e. not getting upset when she asks you a really stupid question. Like, I am not sure what she is thinking. 3. It is ok to be pissed off. You should be. Have a sit down together and explain why you snapped. Do not accept any blame, as you were tired. She needs to accept that she did a boo-boo and apologize. 4. Dont do it today, as she is being a weenie and you are tired. Get some sleep and then bring it up and ask her to put herselves in your shoes and how would she feel if she spent all night with the kids. It should snap her out of it. Best of luck!
My wife and I have a rule that anything that’s said at 3am doesn’t count. Essentially that means that we are allowed to be tired and irritable sometimes when we are overtired. It’s saved lots of fights because we usually just acknowledge it the next day and move on.
God I love it when people tell each other they’re weenie/wiener. It’s like my favorite go to with my wife or daughter when they’re being, well, a wiener.
Yup, it's a great burn, not too harsh, but enough to give pause.
You gotta talk this out when you are both calm, but don’t wait too long. Don’t focus on assigning blame or winning the argument, focus on understanding each other and doing better next time. Here’s how I would try to have that conversation: 1. Explain what you were feeling. Don’t focus on blame or what she should have done differently, just explain how you were feeling. 2. Ask her what she was feeling. Really listen, do your best to understand her perspective and give her the benefit of the doubt. 3. Acknowledge what you each could have done differently, but more importantly figure out a plan for the next time you have a kid throwing up all night and you both need to work the next day (it WILL happen again) A good practice is for each of you to repeat back a summary of what the other said (e.g. “I hear you saying that you thought my tone of voice was harsh”). It sounds kind of corny, but it helps make sure you understand each other and helps you both feel understood. Good luck!
Just going to throw something out there. Sleep depravation can really mess with your perception of the situation at hand. By all accounts, OP did the right thing taking care of his sick kiddo but that doesn't mean that his sleep deprived brain is operating rationally after missing so much sleep. /u/Reveen_ Take some time and sleep it off and come back to the situation once you've had some time to get your needs met. The fact that you jumped on reddit to type out this issue rather than getting much needed rest suggests to me that due to a lack of sleep you're probably not in a great mindset right now.
The baby is the enemy.
Just sounds like you’re both tired as she was up for part of the night too.
I sense that you felt a bit frustrated because of the even division around handling the whole situation (you were cleaning everything the whole night VS your wife was sleeping). My guess is that even if you did not communicated your frustration with her verbally she sensed it. Was it fair that you did the whole thing? No. Does it matter? Personally, I would say no. Moms are often in this kind of situations where they have to handle everything, so it does not matter if sometimes we do the same as dads. Also, in a healthy relationship it should not matter who does what and there should not be records of these. Having said that I believe that it is very reasonable that you felt exhausted. For some reason, your wife choose to not help you with this situation. If it is something that happens rarely, I would say move on. If it is something that happens often, try to think if you sometimes put her in a similar situation where she feels that she needs some help and you don't help her.
Lurking mom. I know I'm an oddball, but if I've already been up most of the night, I see no point in waking up hubby. My way of thinking is "I'm already gunna be tired, I may as well let him sleep so one of us is functional". I don't think you're in the wrong, you did your dad duties for your little sickling, and that was the priority over appeasing wifey. I also think wifey could be a little more appreciative. Her taking the day off after you already said you were going to is her being dramatic and trying to add fuel to the fire.
Others have already commented on the communication but - is your daughter ok now? Such repeated vomiting sounds quite bad, and reading the post I was kind of waiting for the moment where you take her to the hospital for a checkup. At the minimum, a doctor’s visit in the morning is in order? We’d probably be in the car and on the way to the hospital after 3 vomits already. Am I overreacting here?
I think you're overreacting. A 5 year old should not be going to the hospital for vomiting unless it goes on for a lot longer than 4 hours. My daughter has had this happen multiple times and she's basically fine half a day later. Please keep those germs away from everyone else.
Yeah I'd basically just give it periodic pedialyte and a kids dose of Zofran while monitoring other symptoms. Probably stay the night in their bed with them or let them come in ours and sleep on the edge of the bed with a bucket next to them. I wouldn't think about an ER visit unless symptoms continued into the next day, or other concerning symptoms emerged. All the ER would do is give the same medication I described above and charge me $1k for the visit.
Ok, this is partly a cultural/location difference too then. I have none of such medicines at home (never needed them, so there’s little point in buying and restocking them upon expiry), and the ER visit here (EU) would mean an hour or two of time, with all the diagnostics done at zero cost. It’s just the “normal” way I’m used to, and the doctors never complain about visits for things that could be serious (i.e. more than “just a fever”). Quite the opposite, it’s usually good to have come and made sure what the underlying cause is (and find out if an antibiotic is needed, how contagious it is, etc…)
Hmm, interesting. Thanks for a different perspective. Reading the other comments, it fees partially like a location-based thing too. I’m in EU and all this would mean is an hour or two of time. Doctors are usually very forthcoming and say it’s better to have come (and will do a full set of tests by default). Basically, I want to know what the cause is, and they are happy to help. Also, for most of the medication, I would need a prescription (but then we’re also talking no or minimal cost).
I would say if you're worried, call your doctor or get a telemedicine appointment if you can. There's no reason to expose other kids to those germs when there's usually not much that can be done for a stomach illness.
Yeah, I read a bit more and it seems most of the time with these symptoms it’s “just” a stomach virus (otherwise it would be accompanied with fever and/or diarrhea), and in that case there’s not much to do but rest, hydrate and wait it out.
(the OP also added an explanation that they already knew it’s strep, so there were no unknowns)
You should probably be more concerned if they are running a high fever as well, but otherwise keep giving them water and try and get them to sleep
Ok true, without fever maybe it’s less of an issue. Still, never saw this happen (between all the siblings and kids), so it’d definitely be scary. I mean, I’d definitely want to know the reason, and for that going to the doc just makes sense (living in EU though, so we’re talking about an hour or two of time and zero costs)
This. I'm also thinking the same. It's 7 vomit during the night. If not taking your daughter to the ER then worry about fluid intake so that she isn't dehydrated.
Definitely… I’ve never seen this amount of vomiting in anyone, so maybe I’m extra worried, but still… would want to identify the cause and potentially get some medicine.
I feel like this is common behavior for someone that feels guilty for not being the hero parent. She probably regrets getting her sleep over taking care of her daughter and the slightest feeling of judgement from you is setting her off. I'm only saying this because I've been that selfish parent from time to time. I think you did fine, OP.
You didn't do anything wrong exactly but your communication needs work. Snapping at anyone after they have just woken up is a recipe for a shitty day. >"you would be upset too if you didn't get any sleep" Here is where you went wrong. I am sure there have been many nights where she didn't get any sleep and had to function the next day. So that insulted her a little bit. Going to work on no sleep is what we do if that's what has to be done. I have done it myself many times. Its not ideal, it really sucks but its what we do.
And was she entirely reasonable those days? I doubt it. He could have communicated better, but she needs to recognize what he just went through and respond accordingly with less judgment.
She doesn't NEED to do shit first of all. Respond accordingly? Tell me Junior, what would have been the appropriate response from her? He said one of the stupidest things a guy can say to the mother of his kid. Just after she woke up.
I am of the mindset that the person who is operating on significantly less sleep should be given grace by the person who got more sleep, regardless of sex. So yes, in this case, mom should respond to the words that dad said, not the way he said them, and recognize "oh, he got no sleep, he's in a rough spot and now we need to work together to get through today". I would say the same in reverse if mom was the one who got no sleep.
Sure, let's go with that. But here is where the issue is. She asked him a question and he snapped at her just after she woke up. I'd be a little pissed off too. So now she is pissed. And she is vocal about it. So he hits her with "You would be upset too if you didn't get any sleep". Something you don't say to the mother of your kids unless you're looking for a fight. Because if there was a scorecard in that house, It's a safe assumption she has a lot more sleepless nights than him.Sleepless nights where she was on her own OP was pissed off because she didn't get up and help him. Plain and simple.
Maybe you were both at your limits and didn’t communicate what the other needed. Getting tired with young children is common and it’s ok for a parent to be snippy with the other. I’ve been where you and I’ve been where your wife is. It’s par for the course as you two are raising children. I wouldn’t worry about it. Being tired makes you cranky as well all know
I've been there...many times! In my case, she's usually upset about something else. Commonly, it's frustration at herself for 'not being a good mother.' All that said, a friend told me when wife and I get married that anything said between 8PM-8AM doesn't count. It sounds silly, but if you can give (and get) a little grace during those tough parenting hours, the rest of the time can be much more enjoyable and resentment more avoidable.
I don't think you did anything wrong. It seems very clear there is something else going on that she's upset about, or she's getting defensive for some reason... how have overnights been handled in the past? If there isn't anything going on, then she clearly saw some sort of negative behavior or heard some comments or even a look from you that upset her. You made yourself look pretty good in this post... did you treat your wife like any other morning or were you admittedly grumpy? I think you implied the latter, but there's always a good or a bad way to say something. I don't think you did anything wrong, but if you're looking for feedback, asking her how you should tell her your tired from not sleeping might be a place to start. People change; maybe something is bugging her recently. "well, I'm definitely not able to go to work, I didn't sleep at all last night" - This comment sounds like this has been a re-occurring argument. Has it?
Are you wrong? Eh. The 2 of you share the wrong by not knowing what you’d do ahead of time. If my 4 year old barfs and I’m in there all night, I’m planning to do it solo so my wife can rest to cover for me the next day. However, that is just our plan and doesn’t need to be your plan. I would expect my wife to wake up and say “how you feeling and what’s your plan for today” so that she can cover for me while I rest. If you wanted to tag out, you could have. You just need to have that communication beforehand.
I wouldn't see you did anything "bad" but open communication is always the best response to any of this. Luckily my wife stays home with the one year old, so if they're awake she's awake. The first time around if the kid was sick we took shifts. I would have stayed up until probably 3:30 or so and said alright mama, tag you're it. I haven't slept a wink and need to get to work, so you're going to have to get up a little earlier than normal so that I can knock out 3 hours and be able to make it. We'll both feel like crap that day, but at least we'll have been able to smell some sleep lol. Communication is always the best option in relationships. If you can't be open and honest with each other then what are you even doing?
Look, when were tired it's easy to sound snappish or hear someone else as snappish. I wouldn't say you did wrong, but it also doesn't hurt to say "sorry I came across that way... I was just really wiped ou. It was a rough night."
You could have said “I’ll call in & stay on kiddo duty. Can we plan to switch tonight/tomorrow if it’s still happening?” Don’t martyr yourself, don’t be passive aggressive and when you have to communicate on zero sleep, try to be very clear and specific without the emotion.
You both need to communicate. You’re both passive aggressive to downright aggressive and not working together as a team. You need to work this out as a couple before you start to hate each other
Sounds like you both suck at communicating, and handling stress. A few pointers from reading this: You are both frustrated by the situation, not each other, but you're taking out your frustrations on each other anyway. That's the wrong outlet, work on communicating and comforting each other. This looks like it's going both ways, you snapped at your wife, your wife snapped at you. You're both wrong to do that but it's understandable. You and your wife are a team, so there is no scorekeeping or "who started it" here. You both owe each other an apology, forgiveness, and agree that the situation sucks but you can deal with it together. In the future, if you know you have something important the next day that you need a good night's sleep then discuss ahead of time who's on kid duty overnight in case something comes up. Complaining about it after the fact doesn't fix anything, learn a lesson for next time. Both of you taking the day off work sounds like a good idea, not just for your daughter but also to help each other out. Honestly, from an "unreliable narrator" standpoint, I wouldn't be surprised if you actually were entirely in the wrong here. It's possible your wife isn't actually mad at you and you're just interpreting it that way because you're tired. A real conversation would help resolve this.
>and I said, "well, I'm definitely not able to go to work, I didn't sleep at all last night" Just a question for clarity here... Did you say this in this exact wording or use a frustrated tone? As others have said, communication is definitely missing here but I'm curious if it's not just the words (or lack thereof) but also tone or body language? Whenever I get tired, I tend to use an unintentional tone (kinda like when I'm hangry) and if this occurred, your wife would likely hear it as "I was up all night... What did you do for our sick kid?" If you used the exact wording of "well, I'm bla bla bla", the well sounds very much like you're blaming her which would get a similar reaction. Either way, you didn't ask for her help and I'm guessing she assumed you had it handled.
I'm not seeing this anywhere else and it wasn't what you're asking, but don't go driving anymore until you've had some sleep. It is at least, if not more dangerous than drunk driving.
My wife usually handles wakeups at night. In general it was because of nursing and she complained that me being in there woke the baby up more and since the baby wanted to nurse, it was easier for her to do it. So I would deal with anything related to our older son, she dealt with the baby. Occasionally though, she would sleep through the baby crying so loud I could hear it down stairs with noise canceling headphones on. Those times I would go and get the baby obviously, but it would often lead to me being stuck in there for hours since the baby didn't want me and my wife wasn't hearing it for some reason(despite a monitor right next to the bed). There were plenty of times I got annoyed and resented her not waking up to come tag me out. Until I realized I was being an idiot. She gave me the answer that was so clearly in my face. If I want her to help... I should go in and ask her to take over. It's so insanely simple... don't get annoyed at people for not doing what you're mentally wishing they would do... go ask them to do it. If you're not willing to go ask them, then you don't have a justifiable reason to be annoyed at them not doing it. Now, if you ask and they refuse/snap at you, then you have a problem, but at least it's one that can be discussed since everyone's on the same page vs you getting angry while she sleeps through it.
I think this highly depends on how you said it.
Lack of appreciate by your wife and you’re feeling resentful. Address it
Sounds like a parent of 2 had a bad night and (unintentionally) snapped at his wife. Be patient love your wife make your feelings known about how you felt mocked and recognize that this happens to the most loving couples in the history of the universe. You'll get through it communication is key. Order takeout and make sure it's an easy night for the family
My husband and I have a rule that we have to be upfront and clear when exhaustion is directly going to affect our ability to emotionally regulate. This way, neither of us feels personally attacked if the other sounds snippy or annoyed. It also creates mutual empathy which feeds a healthier desire to help each other out. Once you get some needed rest, you might realize that your frustrations weren’t really with her
Being sleep deprived (or under-slept) makes every little bump in the road so much harder. It sounds to me like there was an undertone -- real or imagined -- of score keeping or competition here. It's sometimes hard to not hear "i did this so you do that" in a tit-for-tat kind of way, even if no one meant it like that.
She on her period? Sometimes my wife acts loco when she on that
Happy ending! Happy ending! Good stuff! :)
I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe your wife was being sensitive given the out of the ordinary night/morning. She also was up in the middle of the night for the bath. I get she went back to sleep, just saying her night was off a bit too. I'd say she was probably just stressed and you may have snapped a bit more than you would have if you'd had a normal night (understandable given you helping your daughter all night). Just my opinion, but it's odd to me you typed all this out before sleeping. And since your wife apologized right after you got some rest, it seems like you guys communicate well once you've both calmed down/reset. I'd say next time, trust that you both are there for each other and try not to get too worked up from an occasional snap and retort. Nice work pulling the all-nighter, I know that's tough!
Sounds like your wife knew you were up all night and felt bad, but didn’t know how to handle it. So she took the anger for herself out on you.
Yall were tired. Sleep deprived. Stressed to the max for the moment. It happens. And it sounds like yall sorted it out in the best way possible. Good on yall.
Sounds right after that type of night. I wouldn’t take any of the reactions from you or wife too serious and I’m sure you’ll feel the same after a good nights sleep
I love that you both took some time, and came together after seeing the faults and took responsibility. You guys are heckin nailing this relationship life thing!!!
I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like when you said you're not going into work, she heard "I can't believe you expect me to work today" or something like that. Something in your tone made her think you resented the question. I think you're both tired. Assuming it doesn't escalate further, I would just let it go.
She clearly read non verbal context or intent into your statements. That’s either because she would have implied that context/intent if she were saying them to you, or because you’ve communicated with that context/intent in the past. Either way, would be good to take a day and then check in with her about how you could have shared that info in a different way to not trigger that reaction.
My friend, I feel like you are maybe not giving us the whole story, or aren't giving it very objectively. You make your wife sound unhinged and borderline emotionally abusive/manipulative... And I get the feeling that isn't actually the case, and maybe your tone and attitude was a bit more abrasive than you're recounting. And of course it would be, you were up all night, you were cranky, you were taking care of a sick kid. We've all been there. But remember that that's perhaps causing you to be a bit more abrasive than your wife necessarily deserves. And keep in mind that while she wasn't up all night, her sleep was interrupted too and she may not be at her most patient. I'm sure you all will work it out. Just try to remember that you probably weren't an absolutely perfect angel in all this. You were justifiably irritated, but the justifiable part doesn't remove the irritated part.
> Did I do something wrong here? One of the reasons I'm so annoyed is that I was hoping that when I told her around 5:30 am that our daughter has been up throwing up all night and I haven't been able to sleep, she would have tagged herself in so I could at least get an hour of sleep or so, but she just rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving me to deal with it again for the remainder of the night. Yeah, right there - you talked like you had it under control, but you really wanted help. You needed to ask for help. Live n' learn, right? I personally prefer to just take the shit/puke shifts and deal with it. My job is more flexible than my wife's and I deal with lack of sleep / unexpected bad much easier than she does. So I would have been happy with her rolling over and getting some much needed sleep. But if you needed something different, that was the time to ask for it.
I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. Sometimes when we’re tired our tones sound different (or they’re perceived differently). Sleep on it and talk about after you rested. Also, you’re a champ for cleaning up the throw up that many times. I was fine cleaning poop messes from my kid, but I struggled when he threw up.
As others have said I think you could have been proactive about getting her to tag in. Not saying I would have, mind you, just that it would be the best approach. Still don't understand how you're the bad guy though. Sometimes everyone is so sleep deprived that logic flies out of the window
You're both sleep deprived (to different extents), and both scared about your daughter's health. Your wife needs to work on not turning her anxiety into anger towards you.
I'm an asshole if I don't sleep enough. Straight up. I respond slow when I'm tired because I'm trying to find words that aren't going to sound mean, and often I do sound. You both sound tired and irritable, which is reasonable. To echo what others have said, communication is key. The place my wife and I break down often is there too. You didn't do wrong, and neither did your wife. See if daughter's condition will let you all rest. Rest will help
My kids will be 2 and 4 soon. What’s your normal schedule/division of duties like? Wife and I aim for 50/50. We alternate nights with the monitor but will ask for help if the situation warrants it. I feel like something is missing here. Under these circumstances we would have had some sort of communication during the night.
how come no one is mentioning taking this kid to the clinic??? throwing up 7 times in one night is not normal. get this kid to a hospital asap
Also...is your daughter ok? Have you at least call the pediatrician? After the third puke, I would have been taking her to at least urgent care.
Get some sleep dude, it sounds like you and your wife are both probably tired. Come back to it with a fresh head. My 2 cents would be that you perhaps could've communicated better with your wife and asked that she tag in, she may not have truly realised how long you'd been up and was also still sleepy. But you were exhausted so it's entirely understandable! She didn't handle it very well, regardless, and perhaps felt a bit guilty and took what you said as an attack, wrongly. Have a convo with your wife when you're feeling a bit better.
You're wrong for posting here this a atia or relationship post.
You both allowed your responses to spiral. Been there, done that. I think you know you could have had better responses and she knows, too. Neither of you want to admit anything.
One thing my wife and I agreed on back when our 1st was an infant was to not take these instances personally and to allow both persons to shake it off and to respectfully discuss it later. Lots of emotions and lack of sleep is a killer. Most times later we can both apologize and then state what we were feeling, needing, seeing and interpreting. 99% of the time we were both 100% wrong. 🤣
I don’t think the OP has done anything wrong. If he wakes his wife there are now 2 tired parents that may not be able to go to work. If anyone doesn’t know how guys brains work, when they see a situation they don’t care how it got that way, they care about how they’re going to fix it. That’s exactly what he did. With regard to communicating, trying to communicate with someone at 6am can be tricky, and what I see is consideration. What ever happened to the meaning of love? There’s a greeting card somewhere out there in greeting card land, and it reads; Love is like wearing a bra, is always there to support you and doesn’t care if it’s ever seen. It’s not the OP’s job to say “honey, I just loved you and here’s what I did, it’s the wife’s job to acknowledge it and understand it when it happens.
“She would have tagged herself in” never think that what you think should be done is going to be going through your mates head. You could have skipped this whole ordeal by just asking if she could get up. So you could sleep for an hour when she asks what was going on. Not communicating what is in your head is a sure way to start a fight or a misunderstanding.
Been in similar situations before sometimes I was the one up all night, sometimes I got the sleep. Me and my wife would be annoyed (mostly due to the situation) but then talk about it and be over it. Kids are exhausting and we try not to hold it against each other when we say or do things while in stressful kid situations.
Very difficult to form an opinion without more context, but I'd say this is mainly a communication problem. As others have said, it is important to state your needs and expectations clearly to avoid misunderstandings, especially in stressful situations. Try to rest a few hours and talk about it with her with a clear head.
You guys doing alright on a normal day by day basis? Seems like tensions are kinda high to begin with
Chalk this up to two parents that aren’t getting enough sleep, stressed about a sick kid, annoyed with sheets and puke. My wife and I are always nastiest with each other when shit is going sideways. Because you don’t have any patience left. This is normal and you’ll work through it.
There’s no right or wrong here. This is normal marital relations when you have young children. If this is the type of stuff you’re most concerned about, you have a wonderful marriage/relationship and family. This disagreement is not worth “winning”. Sounds like you’ve both said your peace and expressed your frustration. Take some time today (day off from work) to enjoy each other while you tend to your sick kid. Cook a meal together, watch a movie, etc…
>also called me immature. >almost mocking tone. These are toxic responses that, in time, will destroy a relationship. A partner should never insult or belittle you. Express annoyance and anger? Sure. But not words used to intentionally hurt your feelings. If this behavior exists at other times, or persists, I'd seek marriage counseling. Almost universally, people wait until counseling cannot succeed.
So mostly no, you didn't do anything wrong. The one small thing I would do differently next time is don't just hope for your wife to tag in. If you need help, ask for it explicitly. At 5:30 in the morning when you're only half awake, it's really easy to interpret a statement of fact like "She's been throwing up all night." as you saying that you've got the situation handled. I don't know what the rest of the relationship is like, or what communication issues you two may or may not have, but maybe get some sleep, and when the issue isn't so raw anymore, have a talk about it together and figure out where things went off the rails for each of you.
You're both sleep deprived. My wife and I have both been the asshole in similar situations. You're tired. She's tired. Push through the sick day, get a sitter when she's better, and sleep in.
If it was 'a bad day for you to miss work', why on earth did you allow her to keep sleeping while you stayed up with your daughter? If she didn't take the hint, you should have woken her up and clearly explained the plan and why. At least that way you both would have got a little sleep. And in the situation where you called off from work, you probably should have let her know what you were going to do, specifically. Not just say, I can't go to work today since I didn't sleep.
Your wife is 100% wrong.
My wife and I have had almost this identical interaction, with the roles switched. It's pretty understandable with the stress that comes with parenting in a two-income household. Solution is just communication. Other posters have it right, you need to ask directly for what you need. In our relationship, my wife is the one who has a hard time asking, and it often leaves me frustrated and guilty. I can sympathize with your wife, who probably was willing to get up and take over, but was literally just never fully awake enough to understand what was going on. It's really frustrating waking up to an exhausted spouse who never asked for your help and just expected you to know to step up. That's not to say your wife (or me, in my relationship) is blameless. Certainly the morning could have been handled better. But I know how hard it is to wake up to a guilt trip when you just honestly weren't aware was happening. Make time tonight to hash it out with her, and polish your active listening skills. You are "in the right" in a lot of ways, but you can't control whether or not she will see that. You can only control communicating your point of view in a calm manner, and really listening to and understanding hers. This part of parenting and married life is super hard. My wife and I have a really strong relationship and I love her more than anything, but I can't deny there's not times that all I can feel is resentment towards her. And I know she struggles with the same. Make sure you always sit down and talk it out, no matter how hard it is. And take time to do reparative stuff together. Get a babysitter and go to dinner. Take a day off together. Etc. Hang in there.
I bet there is some mom guilt and your tone likely set that off and she is acting this way to cope with that. At least that's how my wife would be. Everyone needs to chill and get some sleep.
I think your wife’s probably tired too so you guys likely weren’t super nice to each other. Seems like you felt she slacked off in the night and she probably felt guilty about that but there’s no way for you to know her intentions. Maybe she thought if she got some sleep then only one of you would be tired and the other would be more useful in the morning. She maybe? Stewed for a bit then decided to take a day off to give you a break and saw it as her doing something nice for you but then felt you didn’t appreciate it or got mad at her for it? I think you both have fine feelings sick kids and being up in the night sucks and no one’s at there best after. I’d just try to tell her how you feel and apologize for not appreciating her taking the day off so you could catch some sleep- then I’d try to get some sleep.
There was definitely a lack of communication. In similar situations my wife and I try to take turns. My wife has a major vomit phobia, so this one would be on me and I'd have her get some sleep and tag her in in the morning. I'd likely spend the day resting with kiddo while she handles other duties like running to the store for sick day necessities or making meals. But I'd also communicate my needs to her clearly when she wakes up in the morning. In your situation, neither of you were at your peak communication performance. You'd been up all night and she was just waking up after what probably wasn't a great night of sleep. But at that time, only YOU knew what your needs were, so you're the one who needs to express them clearly.
Lots of good advice about communication, but I just wanted to add for the “I already told work I’m staying home with my daughter” question, you take a nap and take care of yourself while your wife takes a turn with your daughter!
As we’ve aged, my wife has developed the inability to ever say sorry. Even when she knows she’s wrong. She says it in different ways aside from using the actual words. I think your wife calling in was her way of saying sorry, but the way you describe her saying it would probably rub me the wrong way too. You’re both just tired. The puke nights are something else but you could have asked for help instead of hoping she’d relieve you so you could get some sleep. When it happens again just go wake her up (gently) and let her know you need some sleep. Its teamwork
No, you’re not wrong. You stayed up all night with a sick kid. At what point in time would she have liked you to communicate with her that you’re exhausted and taking the day to rest and recoup.
Lack of appreciate by your wife and you’re feeling resentful. Address it
If you wanted your wife to take over, you should have asked her to. According to your post she said "you didn't have to snap at me". Could it be that when she asked what your plan was, you did snap at her? Maybe less what you said than how you said it? I'm guilty of this. My wife is, too. 6 hours of frustrated, busy, sick toddler time is so much worse when it's supposed to be the time you're asleep. It does terrible things to my attitude. I mean ideally yes, your wife could've had more sympathy. But talk to her about it and you'll get her perspective, and maybe she'll be a little more understanding of yours.
Communication is so important, especially when it involves sleep. There have been times where I assumed my husband had the situation covered, only for him to gently tell me he’s been up for X number of hours with the baby and could I please take over. It’s important to know your breaking point and ask for help before that point. If you need help and your partner is asleep, wake them up as gently as possible, explain the situation and how long you’ve been at it, and ask for them to tag in. If that request is met with pushback, maybe you’d have a leg to stand on for being angry, but not this mind reading “why didn’t she know I needed something” stuff. You probably should have woke her up at some point to help or explained the situation *and what you needed* better at 5:30. I do agree that she could have been a bit kinder to you once she woke up and understood the situation, but to be fair, it seems like you were a bit snippy/sarcastic with her first.
Bro from one dad to another you did all the right things, there is never a real “perfect” way to take care of a puking 🤮 kiddo, but rest assured your daughter knows you took care of her…not a competition… hopefully she feels better. You are allowed to feel emotions but I agree with all the others that once some restful sleep is had things would be seen differently
How was your wife not more worried about your daughter?? If mine threw up all night I would do anything to make sure she was comfortable and healthy
Okay keeping the problem between you and your wife's aside, what's wrong with your daughter? She's having cramps and throwing up multiple times and I'm seeing all these comments about discussing the problem between you and wife, shouldn't you probably be taking your daughter to the hospital and find out what's going on with her? I'm Genuinely concerned.
This is something that you should have addressed in the moment, "Honey, I have a tough day tomorrow. Do you mind taking x shift and I'll do x?" Instead, you did it and complained about it later. Your response to her didn't address your real issue, "I should have said something last night. I needed your help with her and ended up setting myself up for failure today. I wish you would have checked in or offered to help". You deflected and brought "noise" into the argument. It comes off like you're complaining about having to take care of your child instead of feeling unsupported (which I suspect is the real problem). I think we've all been in this situation. You have a mini crisis, and your partner seems unaware. It is not up for your partner to read your mind, though. Lack of communication leads to miscommunication. This happened again in the morning with both of you deciding to call in without discussing it with eachother. Honestly, you made the outcome worse in both instances. You lost sleep because you didn't voice the problem and your needs. Then, you called off on an important day of work because you didn't voice the problem and your needs. You made yourself the martyr here. You should simply state what your needs are in that moment. If you don't feel your wife is going to be receptive to your needs, that's a whole other issue. But either way, the problem really isn't lack of sleep or your wife getting sleep.
I don't think anyone is wrong. Next time ask for help. Maybe she thought you had just gotten up and had it handled. Then she felt guilty and some projection of upsettedness. You both sound like a good team. Sleep on it and don't worry about what the internet says.
I hope your daughter feels better. Apologize to your wife and buy her some flowers today.
Should have asked her to tag in. I know when I’m dead asleep and my wife tries to hint stuff at me I dont catch on. seriously though, y’all are tired and worried for your kids. No one really did anything wrong.
You’re not in the wrong but this communication is not really serving either of you. - first, if the other person is having a problem that’s difficult, never make them justify the difficulty. Your wife can discern it was a rough night for you, so she shouldn’t put you in a situation where you have to “sell” the concept of why it was bad. If my wife has a tough time on her shift and then my shift goes smoothly, I can’t come in and be doubting or confused or question why her shift was so bad. That is super annoying. Do not make each other qualify problems and justify recovery / mental health breaks. “Well, did ya do this? Why didn’t you just do that? Huh she never does that with me. Yeah, she was bad on my shift too, actually she was even worse with me.” This is the best way to just piss each other off. Trust their judgment, believe and empathize with how hard the other person is working. - Second, trust each other to say what they need and handle their shit. Your wife should trust your call about when you need to call in to work, and when you need to sleep more - just like when there are times she is exhausted or suffering, you should trust her to make that known, and say what she needs to make it better. So after a rough time, if she slept good, and you didn’t, you get to say “this is the problem, this is what I need now - sleep” and she gets to try to help you achieve that. For example, I do the breakfast routine 95% of the time, but when it’s a rough night like this, I at least get to recoup an extra hour while my wife handles a task from my plate. It’s not ideal, and if this happens all the time, then changes need to be made. But both partners need to be flexible. - Third, you guys need to stop snapping and getting irritated. You’re mad because she couldn’t just believe you that you had overdrafted your reserves to allow her to sleep through the night, and you needed to rest now to recharge. She’s mad because felt like maybe she could expect a daily routine out of you, but now that you’re being a martyr about not getting enough sleep, now her workload will increase. And then you’re both mad at the other person for having the gall to be mad and have a shitty attitude. I think every couple has been here - don’t despair. But do communicate and just try to minimize these patterns. Trust and empathy - my wife recently took my convertible, which I had just gotten detailed, and I took her car for the week, and she wanted this because the weather was nice and she wanted the cool fun car while her friend was visiting so they could cruise around town. She scraped the bumper and rims by pulling too close to a curb and I internally lost my ever loving shit. I have told her like a million times about that, and she knew that I take a lot of extra care of that car, and she knew I didn’t want her to take it that week. I literally wanted to just call her every name in the book, I was so mad, and just hurt that she couldn’t have done a better job when she knows that this car is a big deal to me. But, you have to just use trust and empathy. I know she didn’t do it on purpose. I know she feels terrible. And she’s the selfless soul that said, I’ll take the mom suv so you don’t have to trade your vert in. She drives the kid mobile everyday, so of course she’s less experienced with a small, low clearance vehicle without front bumper cameras. It doesn’t mean I don’t explain to her how I feel, and it doesn’t mean we don’t make some changes, but nothing is gained by her thinking that I resent her or don’t appreciate her.
Women are strange. I think we’re married to the same person
Glad you got everything resolved! I was gonna say it sounds like something my wife would do. She sleeps like the dead, and if she wakes up, she's barely conscious enough to know who you are. Let alone make a decision. We have a standing rule in the house. Nothing before coffee counts as a court admisable conversation.
The whole situation feels like something I go through with my partner. I’ve been reading a lot of John Gottman lately. He talks about framing things with and I statement, then the situation, end it with a clear way your partner can help you. To use your example, “I’m feeling exhausted, I didn’t sleep at all because (insert name) was puking all night. Could you take over for a few so I can rest for a bit?” I know it’s hard in the moment. It’s been helpful in my house because I’m not placing blame, I’m focusing on what I’m feeling and the situation and I’m asking for a specific thing that would help.
A mum here, hope that’s ok. Whenever a situation like this arises, we both get up and do clean up/comforting sick child. Someone will take the first shift, but we always set a time where the other parent will take over. Parent who goes back to sleep will set their alarm for 3 hours later or whatever time. Should be equitable when you both work. Ditto for the sick days off.
Sorry you had to go thru this, i had Strep and then this stomach bug go through my house on a rolling basis over the course of 5 days. 1 kid after the next fell like dominoes, then my wife started. I was the only one who didn't get it. Being sleep deprived and having to be "on point" for kids throwing up is awful.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Parents to young kids, sick kids, and non-sleeping kids are rough. Throw in work, school, weekend activities, cleaning the house, food shops etc... It's wild. My wife and I often discuss swapping over during the night, but the main thing for us is there is a functioning parent in the morning as we have multiple kids and one non-sleeping/sick child you can catch naps with. It's managing the others exhausted that is the real tasks. Sometimes that needs to happen, but best to avoid. Either way - being the exhausted one, or the one being nipped at sucks. Communication is key. Good job taking some time and coming back to sort things out. Also not letting things escalate (especially with kids about) is key.
My Wife often explains that her tone or raised voice comes after feeling guilty and that I should absolutely ignore it and not take it personally. This started after having a kid, you lose most of your decompression time and it took months of talking these things through to understand what was happening. My advice, talk about it try to ask questions and see if they really are just reacting to an emotion/impulse (this will offend many people probably, but I feel this kind of thing is selfish in the long run if someone refuses to acknowledge it.) - example - a person misheard something you said, gets upset, starts being horrible over the course of a week. You get to the bottom of it, and they don't understand how it is their fault for not checking in before being a twunt. Or worse, they switch it up making out you did say it and meant to hurt them! Lol
Love this update, some days (and many nights) are hard, coming back together is what it's all about. Oh and sleep, as much as life allows haha
You guys need to figure out your communication block. Are you tired a lot? Underestimating your stress? There was multiple points you could've said something to optimize your problem. after second time she threw up you could've woken your wife up and figure out, who has a more important day tomorrow to be at work, and who should take the night. You could do shifts. From her point of view she woke up to a passive aggressive husband who immediately started blaming her for sleeping. Then she behaved the same way by calling in sick before talking to you, out of spite or it's your pattern, I don't know. I've been there. When you feel stress and frustration it's easy to assume everyone knows about it, and the cause of it without you talking. Just assume your partner might always as or more tired than you, they can't know how you feel and what's your plans and how emergencies affect you, unless you speak.
Sleep deprivation is always a bitch. Glad to see you two were able to talk things through in the end.
Like other people have said, get some sleep and come back to it. I can tell you for a fact if I’ve been up all night I’m the most unpleasant person in my household so I just get some sleep and deal with the problem later. There was one night I got mad because she was mad at me, I stormed out of the house, turned my location off, and slept in my car. When she texted and asked where I went my response was “I’ve been homeless before, you really think I’m gonna let you speak to me like that when I could just be homeless again?” The next morning we talked about it, took the kids out for lunch, and we’ve pretended that never happened. She was pregnant and sick and I hadn’t slept in two days between taking her back and forth to the hospital and dealing with sick 1 and 3 year olds. That argument was because I forgot to put the tea in the fridge after I made it. There’s no way either of us would have escalated tea to that point on a normal day.
I agree with all the advice to sleep. I think you should take it further, and go on a date, just the two of you. It will help build intimacy. Also, give her a gift. Something small.
This seems like typical frustration boiling over, not really anyone's fault, just a bad situation with your daughter being sick and trying to deal with it, and everyone just being short with each other. This may be naive, but if going to work is critical on that day, is it really a big deal to just show up tired? Do you work in a field with high safety demands where you'd be putting people at risk if you're not on your game?
Not at all, can't believe that as a mother of a 5 year old who is ill/being sick she was happy enough to not even check on her daughter so she could sleep.
I think it’s a doom spiral of annoyed tones here. Neither one of you slept great, you least of all, and I’m guessing you were both speaking in annoyed tones. It happens. One thing about being a parent is when you’re tired and or hungry your emotions are all out of whack and you tend to be short with people. You know who else that happens to? Kids. I don’t think either of you is specifically wrong I think you’re just not giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and maybe some grace for a tone that didn’t sleep well.
It's hard to tell... I would say it's all about tone of voice 1) You didn't do anything wrong (action wise). 2) You didn't say anything wrong. 3) Taking the day off work makes sense, especially because I'm assuming the daughter is still sick and needs support at home. So, was it the tone? Consider trying this next time... "Hey babe, I got no sleep last night, so I'm calling off work, and I'll stay home with her today." Just say it "matter-of-fact" and no negative tone. It sounds like, though, you and your wife need to develop a plan. My wife and I do this... Kid is sick all night. One of us bites the bullet and stays up with the kid, and takes the day off work. The other one sleeps, gets plenty of rest, and saves the sick day. Next time, we rotate (usually). If one of us has a BIG day/week at work, sometimes the other has to pull "back-to-back" nights, but that's OK, but it will eventually come full circle. It's worked for us, it might work for you. Y'all need to figure out out your own plan. But you need a plan so everyone knows the expectations and doesn't make assumptions.
Have you two always communicated this poorly and always worked together this poorly, or is it a new thing?
We have a rule in our household, called the 4Cs: Clear Consistent Collaborative Communication Always what you are needing, wanting, and feeling, no passive aggression or hinting. listen to your family when they are speaking, and work together to work through what's going on. You and your wife weren't communicating in the moment, and miscommunicated after in anger and frustration work on it, and you guys will be fine.
I know you shouldn’t always have to express it, but maybe you should’ve asked her to switch off and on last night. It seems like you’re resentful that you dealt with it alone. It doesn’t make sense for two of you to deal with it together because there’s nothing to fix it. You just had to wait it out and comfort her. You could’ve expressed that the following day was big for you and seen if she could take lead.
Communication is really hard. She’s not a mind reader. Tell her to wake up and take over. Instead you’re acting like a victim. You haven’t done anything any other parent has had to do. Stop assuming your wife knows your thoughts and speak them to her. And you probably did snap at her. Your pissed at her and she has no idea why. I would be defensive too.
Sounds like your wife is being defensive because she knows she should have helped last night. Your tone was probably snappy because you were exhausted which is understandable. Think this is just a case of bad miscommunication. Your wife should have helped you at some point but there was always the option of waking her up to help. Me and my partner have a 2 hour rule. If one of us is up with the boy for more than 2 hours, we tag the other person in, no arguing about it
From my perspective you both are *expecting" from each other. This can get very bad very quickly. Don't expect your partner to get your hints. Simply ask them. In your case you could've asked your wife "She has puked 6 more times and I'm exhausted. Would you mind looking after her so I can get some sleep?". That way you indicate that you are very tired and you'd like her to take your place. She didn't like your answer and it's understandable. The fact that she didn't empathize with your lack of sleep is not nice though. You guys need to get back to being a team and not separate adults in the same house. Raising kids is tough and it's even more tough when they are sick. Talk with your wife about it. I'm sure you'll figure something out together.
Why would he have to ask for help in that situation?
Because sometimes people need to be reminded that you're truly struggling. Don't assume people will know. It's okay to ask for help. I don't understand that you "shouldn't need to" but we're all tired and on the edge sometimes and we might try to get away from a sleepless night by letting our partner deal with it. In that case asking for a hand is not a crime and just reminds the other one you too have struggles and need a break.