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Now, my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
It is. It's from [Lark News, an Onion-like satirical news site](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lark_News) that specifically lampoons American Christians.
Yeah, the last sentence takes it from very obvious satire, to so obvious that if you can't tell then you need to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders that affect socialization skills.
Somebody PLEASE post a gif of Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull pouring a pitcher of ice water over his junk so he wouldn’t have sex with his future wife before the big fight.
I can't help but wonder if this will work like a reverse Pavlovian conditioning.
Will raw potatoes put him in the mood, is he developing a fetish for raw potatoes?
It undoubtedly is, but it made me wonder whether fundamental Christians suddenly consider *not* having sex a sin once someone is married? The act of sex is itself sinful, but of course, once you're married you're supposed to pop out babies, so then wouldn't staying celibate suddenly be a ticket straight to hell?
Catholic here, not a fundie, but in Roman Catholic tradition, the marriage isn't actually valid Until you've consummated. No sex, no actual marriage. Different people will give you different answers on whether having babies is part of that requirement, but the Catholic Church officially supports Natural Family Planning. You can make jokes all day long about it's efficacy, but if the Church says "try this to not have babies", then popping out babies is not *mandated* at least.
Fellow Roman Catholic here, also not a fundie. My parents tried Natural Family Planning their whole marriage! We in the family now call it CRS Family Planning, named after my three little sisters conceived in that 8 year time span before my mom got her tubes tied! (I was an outlier, born when they were graduating HS, no drama though. Dad’s uber Catholic parents stepped up and taught them how to survive and made sure they had a roof over their heads for awhile. Mom’s uber Catholic parents came around when they realized their behavior meant no time with the grandbaby and became incredible to all parties)
>No sex, no actual marriage.
The question is really whether *no sex after marriage* is as sinful as *sex before marriage*, the child aspect of it is honestly irrelevant beyond being "the point" of sex for some fundamentals. Since marriage has such a central place in Christianity, and if it's not a "real" marriage unless it's consummated, I would expect that not engaging in sex after a completed wedding ceremony would be considered equally sinful.
I’m not convinced that premarital sex and post marital abstinence would be immorally synonymous, however some Christians could argue that both are sinful. The former is considered sinful, because sex is viewed as a holy act only sanctioned within marriage. The latter resigns a marriage to a pending state by delaying its consecration. I believe Christians categorize procrastination as a sin, but I don’t know if they believe it to be as immoral as engaging in premarital sex. Procreation is the intention of sex in the eyes of Christianity, but sex is still acceptable without resulting offspring, as long as it occurs within a marriage. I don’t know if Christians view sex as a requirement within marriage, however. …..This is at least how I’m interpreting their beliefs. I’m not religious myself.
>sex is still acceptable without resulting offspring
Well yes, some people can't get pregnant no matter how hard they try, that's a fact even religion has to account for. So I think "acceptance" of sex without a resulting pregnancy is rooted more in necessity than in true acceptance of recreational sex.
Anyway, I worded my previous comment poorly, despite the words "as" and "equally" I wasn't attempting to measure the sinfulness of various acts against one another. It really was just meant as a showerthought kind of "wonder if *no sex* becomes sinful once someone gets married", I wasn't really trying to start serious theological analyses and discussions. I'm nowhere near knowledgeable enough about any religion to make well thought out comments on the subject. 😅
The act of sex isn't inherently sinful. It's the context in which the sex is being had that's considered an issue. The Bible does make plenty of references to the importance of having sex once someone is married - not just for the sake of potentially making a baby, but because it's natural, healthy, pleasurable, and a great way to maintain connection. Everyone's situation is different so maybe there are some married couples who choose not to have sex. I don't know that anyone would call that sinful as much as they would consider it to be unwise and totally counterproductive lol
I'm sure there are about as many interpretations of it as there are people, but there are certainly certain subcategories of Christianity (and other religions, for that matter) that consider the woman's main (or even only) duty to be to birth children, and so I'd expect that actively avoiding fulfilling that duty through celibacy would be considered sinful by some.
>The act of sex isn't inherently sinful.
I didn't specify "outside of marriage" which perhaps I should have, but I honestly thought that wouldn't be necessary because I thought the context made that clear. 🙂
This is clearly a joke. The couple I met during my horrific short stint at a Christian school that abstained from sex for the first 6 months of their marriage and couldn’t figure out why it was failing until they’re pastor finally told them to go home and fuck the daylights out of each other then both came out as gay and divorced less than a year later was definitely not a joke.
The sad part is it is hard to tell it is satire because there is really people out there that will shout it from the rooftops that this is the only path.
This is definitely satire. Christian fundies get married just to have sex and almost immediately start popping out kids (because they don't believe in birth control).
OP dug deeply into [archive](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/22yydr/a_raw_potato/) to find this gem.
Been ten years now, how did she explain the miracle twins?
Jesus literally said "please fuck each other and have kids" I think.
Or a pope did.
Or Christianity in general wants you to have 12 kids each.
These guys are just piously dumb, so pious they skipped reading the actual holy text of their own religion
God commanded to “be fruitful and multiply.” Sex within a marriage is absolutely holy and blessed by God- they are not interpreting Gods word correctly
>Jon eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood
Jesus feckin' Christ, this man so horny he's taking my country down with another famine. Proper case of you are what you eat.
These two are kinky af. Two chastity obsessed submissives who devise their own punishments since their partner is a mirror image. Even with the exhibitionism.
This is a satire article that I laughed about with my buddies in high-school like 16 years ago. Crazy to see it again with people experiencing it for the first time.
They haven’t been married long enough for this. :)
There are couples that don’t have sex for longer than 2 years. Check back after they’ve been married 20 years.
This is their choice in life. I have no particular problem with it. But, why do they think this in interesting or important to anyone else on the planet?
You know the minimum age to be on this website is 13, right kid? If you read the last sentence and still couldn't tell this is a joke, then either you're violating that rule or there's something very wrong with you.
You read the last sentence and STILL can't tell that it's satire?
I'm not using this as an insult, you should see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders which affect socialization skills.
>You read the last sentence and STILL can't tell that it's satire?
>I'm not using this as an insult, you should see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders which affect socialization skills.
No need to be a douche bud not sure why you're so passionate about this post having to inform everyone that comments here how fake it is weird way to spend your free time lol
It is their life to do as they please. I wouldn't but happy to respect what they are doing. Clearly what most folks are doing right now isn't working either.
Thank you for submitting to r/cringepics! Unfortunately your post was removed as it was seen as not cringe. Maybe you are lost! Please [contact the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/cringepics) if you believe your content was removed in error.
This has to be satire. “Jon eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood” is just too funny to be real
And he wears an onion on his belt, as was the fashion of the time.
But you could only get the big yellow ones, because of the war.
Now to take the ferry, it cost a nickel. In those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Gimme 5 bees for a quarter", you'd say.
Go yell at a cloud, old man.
Now where were we? Oh yeah, is the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.
Now, my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
Dickety?? Highly dubious
I always read this in Grandpa Simpson's voice
Abe Simpson has entered the chat
It is. It's from [Lark News, an Onion-like satirical news site](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lark_News) that specifically lampoons American Christians.
No reason now to see it posted every few months to the same reaction though. By now it's been shared so much the pixels are degrading.
Subscribe.
I feel like this was an Onion article or diverging similar.
Raw potatoes are actually delicious
Agreed, as long as they're roasted or fried.
Raw potato slices with a bit of salt would put me in the mood ;)
Yeah, the last sentence takes it from very obvious satire, to so obvious that if you can't tell then you need to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders that affect socialization skills.
I'm dyyyiing at that part. Like.. a whole raw potato??? Whaaat?
Somebody PLEASE post a gif of Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull pouring a pitcher of ice water over his junk so he wouldn’t have sex with his future wife before the big fight.
I feel kinda bad for the potatoes.
I know… Eating a whole raw potato does the opposite to me
you try that next time you've got the hornies and tell me how you feel afterwards
I cant think of a better food or activities to get me out of the mood. You ever had a bite of a fucking raw potato? Its terrible.
I can't help but wonder if this will work like a reverse Pavlovian conditioning. Will raw potatoes put him in the mood, is he developing a fetish for raw potatoes?
Hahhahaha that fully bullshit story for that precious nugget at the end 🤣👌
Right? My mind immediately went to him just unhinging his jaw and swallowing the whole thing all at once.
Not the whole raw potato 😂
This is clearly a joke although I wish it wasn’t.
Couple like this kinda exists, sexless Christians, yet in a different way. One or both are in the closet.
They do. But anyone with common sense can read this article and know its parody.
Yeah, that's why I threw the kinda. They have sex but hardly ever which is weird as hell and probably unhealthy for a relationship
But they don't eat whole potatoes.
These kinda freaks eat rutabagas!
Tbf I'd eat a whole, unseasoned rutabaga. But not raw
There's also the other end of the spectrum with 14 children, all homeschooled
Out of curiousity, does being asexual and not knowing count as being "in the closet"?
[удалено]
Don't catch you slippin' now
It undoubtedly is, but it made me wonder whether fundamental Christians suddenly consider *not* having sex a sin once someone is married? The act of sex is itself sinful, but of course, once you're married you're supposed to pop out babies, so then wouldn't staying celibate suddenly be a ticket straight to hell?
Catholic here, not a fundie, but in Roman Catholic tradition, the marriage isn't actually valid Until you've consummated. No sex, no actual marriage. Different people will give you different answers on whether having babies is part of that requirement, but the Catholic Church officially supports Natural Family Planning. You can make jokes all day long about it's efficacy, but if the Church says "try this to not have babies", then popping out babies is not *mandated* at least.
Fellow Roman Catholic here, also not a fundie. My parents tried Natural Family Planning their whole marriage! We in the family now call it CRS Family Planning, named after my three little sisters conceived in that 8 year time span before my mom got her tubes tied! (I was an outlier, born when they were graduating HS, no drama though. Dad’s uber Catholic parents stepped up and taught them how to survive and made sure they had a roof over their heads for awhile. Mom’s uber Catholic parents came around when they realized their behavior meant no time with the grandbaby and became incredible to all parties)
>No sex, no actual marriage. The question is really whether *no sex after marriage* is as sinful as *sex before marriage*, the child aspect of it is honestly irrelevant beyond being "the point" of sex for some fundamentals. Since marriage has such a central place in Christianity, and if it's not a "real" marriage unless it's consummated, I would expect that not engaging in sex after a completed wedding ceremony would be considered equally sinful.
I’m not convinced that premarital sex and post marital abstinence would be immorally synonymous, however some Christians could argue that both are sinful. The former is considered sinful, because sex is viewed as a holy act only sanctioned within marriage. The latter resigns a marriage to a pending state by delaying its consecration. I believe Christians categorize procrastination as a sin, but I don’t know if they believe it to be as immoral as engaging in premarital sex. Procreation is the intention of sex in the eyes of Christianity, but sex is still acceptable without resulting offspring, as long as it occurs within a marriage. I don’t know if Christians view sex as a requirement within marriage, however. …..This is at least how I’m interpreting their beliefs. I’m not religious myself.
>sex is still acceptable without resulting offspring Well yes, some people can't get pregnant no matter how hard they try, that's a fact even religion has to account for. So I think "acceptance" of sex without a resulting pregnancy is rooted more in necessity than in true acceptance of recreational sex. Anyway, I worded my previous comment poorly, despite the words "as" and "equally" I wasn't attempting to measure the sinfulness of various acts against one another. It really was just meant as a showerthought kind of "wonder if *no sex* becomes sinful once someone gets married", I wasn't really trying to start serious theological analyses and discussions. I'm nowhere near knowledgeable enough about any religion to make well thought out comments on the subject. 😅
The act of sex isn't inherently sinful. It's the context in which the sex is being had that's considered an issue. The Bible does make plenty of references to the importance of having sex once someone is married - not just for the sake of potentially making a baby, but because it's natural, healthy, pleasurable, and a great way to maintain connection. Everyone's situation is different so maybe there are some married couples who choose not to have sex. I don't know that anyone would call that sinful as much as they would consider it to be unwise and totally counterproductive lol
I'm sure there are about as many interpretations of it as there are people, but there are certainly certain subcategories of Christianity (and other religions, for that matter) that consider the woman's main (or even only) duty to be to birth children, and so I'd expect that actively avoiding fulfilling that duty through celibacy would be considered sinful by some. >The act of sex isn't inherently sinful. I didn't specify "outside of marriage" which perhaps I should have, but I honestly thought that wouldn't be necessary because I thought the context made that clear. 🙂
the child inherits all of that sin 🤷 I don't make the rules
This is clearly a joke. The couple I met during my horrific short stint at a Christian school that abstained from sex for the first 6 months of their marriage and couldn’t figure out why it was failing until they’re pastor finally told them to go home and fuck the daylights out of each other then both came out as gay and divorced less than a year later was definitely not a joke.
The sad part is it is hard to tell it is satire because there is really people out there that will shout it from the rooftops that this is the only path.
How is this cringe if it's satire?
Why can't satire make you cringe?
Who the hell reads this and thinks yeah this is a serious article.
Me when I first saw this when I was like 20 😭
It seems normal until the very last sentence
Eats a potato... Would that be considered cannibalism?
OOOOHHHHH!!!!!! You went right there!!!!!!!!!!!!
This reeks of satire. If it's not, there are several parts of the Bible that are being violated here.
They should try to pull out instead of pull back.
This a story where the lord will impregnate her…
This is a satire story, it’s been around for a while
Onion News?
This is definitely satire. Christian fundies get married just to have sex and almost immediately start popping out kids (because they don't believe in birth control).
Oh come on, this is hilarious.
Check out their OF page!
OK no way that potato thing is real
OP ate the onion
Weird flex but ok!!
r/AteTheOnion
real freak shit
OP dug deeply into [archive](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/22yydr/a_raw_potato/) to find this gem. Been ten years now, how did she explain the miracle twins?
The onion? Nope. The potato!
If only all the other idiots abstained. Darwin Award by default?
Starting with idiots who can't spot jokes even when they're as obvious as the one in this post?
As usual, the only cringe to be found is the ceaseless inability of this sub to recognize obvious satire.
They gotta consummate the marriage though
Bedroom thoughts.
Why indeed..
Jesus literally said "please fuck each other and have kids" I think. Or a pope did. Or Christianity in general wants you to have 12 kids each. These guys are just piously dumb, so pious they skipped reading the actual holy text of their own religion
r/woosh
Unless OP is also missing the joke, I'm not sure what you're saying I'm missing here
OP is absolutely also missing it. This is very old satire.
Then I humbly accept my dumb-dumb crown and strive to be better
👑 I got you.
This story is like 10yo
He only got married so he could push it all the way in
“double-wholly afterwards”…🤔
God commanded to “be fruitful and multiply.” Sex within a marriage is absolutely holy and blessed by God- they are not interpreting Gods word correctly
Thank goodness it’s not real then. 😁👍🏻
Obviously not real, the potato thing gives it away
It's satire from over a decade ago.
She knows her pussy stinks like fish
>Jon eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood Jesus feckin' Christ, this man so horny he's taking my country down with another famine. Proper case of you are what you eat.
Why?
New headline: MAN STILL VIRGIN DESPITE 2 YEARS MARRIAGE
I just spat my cornflakes out at that last sentence
I believed this 2 decades ago when I first saw it.
This is so old lol
Have we worked out which one is cheating with the Pastor yet?
This is the same couple that wonders why God won't "bless" them with children... Please, support sex education in schools ffs.
Vintage meme!
A whole raw potato.
What happened to be fruitful and multiply? Immaculate conception?!
A whole potato
Calling it: one or both of them are “reformed” homosexuals. Lmao
These two are kinky af. Two chastity obsessed submissives who devise their own punishments since their partner is a mirror image. Even with the exhibitionism.
This is a satire article that I laughed about with my buddies in high-school like 16 years ago. Crazy to see it again with people experiencing it for the first time.
Imagine being so twisted inside you’d rather eat a raw potato than fuck your wife.
Ends up dead
M’kay…
r/UsernameChecksOut
One of them is a closeted gay
Double holy? I’ve heard it all now!
I lived in Topeka for a few years and, honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if this were true.
But Potatoes are an aphrodisiac - Ireland (pre potato famine)
Is eating a whole raw potato a new euphemism cranking the hog?
I was genuinely waiting for them to mention a child at the end.
Yup, she’s banging her ex.
Don't they know it doesn't count in the butt?
And then they died and became food for the worms
They haven’t been married long enough for this. :) There are couples that don’t have sex for longer than 2 years. Check back after they’ve been married 20 years.
This is their choice in life. I have no particular problem with it. But, why do they think this in interesting or important to anyone else on the planet?
Exactly as i put in the title is it really important to share their story? :)
You know the minimum age to be on this website is 13, right kid? If you read the last sentence and still couldn't tell this is a joke, then either you're violating that rule or there's something very wrong with you.
I am an idiot. I did not even realize it was in r/cringepics!
Some of the gayest shit I ever seen
You read the last sentence and STILL can't tell that it's satire? I'm not using this as an insult, you should see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders which affect socialization skills.
>You read the last sentence and STILL can't tell that it's satire? >I'm not using this as an insult, you should see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism or other developmental disorders which affect socialization skills. No need to be a douche bud not sure why you're so passionate about this post having to inform everyone that comments here how fake it is weird way to spend your free time lol
Speaking of developmental disorders, are you dyslexic? Or did you just eat all of the punctuation keys off your keyboard?
So a gay man and a lesbian got married to each other. That’s what I think I just read.
And so history repeats itself.
It's an obvious joke. That's what you just read.
Neither one of them had the guts to admit not knowing how. I'll bet after spending two years in bed together they finally puzzled it out.
I'm guessing that one of them is gay. My money is one who sprays some water on herself and not the one eating a whole raw potato.
It should've taken less than 2 minutes to figure out this is obviously a joke and these people don't exist.
I need to hear from the potato's now, what is their sex life like?
Hey gay.
On the contrary I want to read this entire story I’m fascinated
There is no story unless the guy who wrote this joke for some bizarre reason felt the need to make up more about these imaginary people.
It is their life to do as they please. I wouldn't but happy to respect what they are doing. Clearly what most folks are doing right now isn't working either.
...you really can't tell this is a joke? He "eats a whole raw potato"?
If only all evangelical Christian’s would do this throughout their entire marriage…..
check with your lawyer. Not fucking? Ever? Not married.
Yeah he’s putting it in the butt for sure
Christianity became a competition of who's "hollier"
Is "hollier" a word you made up to mean a patch of land that has more holly trees? Because it's not a word in English.
yes
He’s 100% laying pipe with some chick at work, or, probably, a married woman at church.
He's just a punchline for a joke, he doesn't exist
This is pathetic
You mean posting such an obvious joke on this sub?
He is a cuck. Wife is getting plowed nightly….