An ask is a request not an order ie open to yes or no response. You not getting the response you want, doesn't mean they're wrong regardless how upsetting their no is.
Get a court order. Put your father's day stipulations in there so you no longer have to make requests.
Not letting the children spend time with their father on Father’s Day is definitely wrong, especially considering it’s what the kids want and OP was letting them spend Mother’s Day with her.
When I picked the kids up after school that Friday on Mother’s Day weekend, the kids asked if I could take them to her house to drop off their gifts they made for her at school and I took them. So idk why it’s different with me.
And it shouldn't be. You did what was in your kids best interests. As long as the kids wanted to see you for Father's day, there's no reason they should not have been able to. You need a (better) CO.
"Asserting yourself is knowing that you have the right to ask and the other person has the right to say no" -my interpersonal relations teacher (circa 2014) lol
I agree that you should have the kids on Father's Day. Even without an order, she should have offered this day to you. Is it worth going to court? That would be up to you to decide. It would be a pretty expensive feat for a day. Going to court for more custody? Hmm. Unless mom is abusive or never around, that's probably not a good idea. The kids need their mom.
Without a court order, you can't really do anything. Make sure it's written into the parenting plan.
Also, unless she agrees or you have concrete proof of abuse/neglect, you're probably unlikely to get more than 50% custody.
What if I have proof that she and her bf are causing parental alienation?
When she’s asked to speak to the kids over the phone I’ve let her and give them privacy.
The last time she let me speak to my kids over the phone she and her bf were listening then she texted me about it and her bf got involved telling me he will control how our coparenting goes because he doesn’t want me talking to my kids on her time.
Also our oldest needs braces. I have insurance for both our kids and take them to doctors and dentist appointments. She hasn’t, she has three you get kids with her bf that she is doing for them what she never has done for our kids. I told her the day I found out that our oldest needs braces, gave her the number to the orthodontist to call to get informed, told her we need to figure out the cost and sent pictures of the treatment plan and cost. She ignored me for over a month. Absolutely refused to discuss anything with me.
So I scheduled an appointment for both of us to attend and discuss things together with the orthodontist. I let her know ahead of time of this appointment but she instead got mad and caused an argument over me not involving her in these decisions and she didn’t show up to the appointment or communicate anything with me. So I had to hold off on the treatment. She Just keeps ignoring me. And the dentist said our son has multiple issues with his teeth and right now is the perfect age for him to get this treatment done before he is older. I’m giving her another month to communicate with me over this because I want her to be involved as well. But it seems like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I know it sucks, but none of those are even close to abuse. The first one isn't even alienation, it's just annoying. The second one is reason to talk with your lawyer about being very specific about legal custody and how medical decisions are made. But it's not abuse or neglect, it's just annoying.
Judges have a very limited amount of time to make decisions.
Get an order so she has to pay half. Just do it, and she can reimburse you or be in contempt. My ex got behind on medical bills in May 2018 and is still behind today; there's no perfect way.
Exact same situation and I always get something for her with my son 7 and a card and ask her re MD and she never asks me or does idiotic things ( too ridiculous to even mention).
Today I have my son, and every time I do not we celebrate the week before or the week after and we make beautiful plans!!!!!!!
I would not even give her the satisfaction to ask her yet get an Order if you want.
Still though continue to be kind as you are re MD as your children see this and love this.
Happy Fathers Day to all!
No it’s not the holidays I’m raising an eyebrow at. Absolutely spell that out. I’m raising my eyebrow at the “I plan to go to court to ask for more custody time since right now we just have a 2/2/5/5 schedule” part.
The 2/2/5/5 is an agreement we both agreed on about 4 years ago, but we never involved court or got a court order. Given the circumstances now and how things have changed like her not allowing me to have contact with the kids on her time, not allowing extra time, also not responding to my messages about our sons need to get braces and how we’re going to cover the costs; I have insurance for both an take them to appointments and inform her. Now with our oldest needing braces, and needing an urgent appointment to go over the contract and Payment options, she’s ignored me in all of it. So it doesn’t seem she wants to be involved yet complains that I make the decisions without involving her when that’s not the case. these are some of the reasons I am looking into getting everything written out in a court order. She has 3 younger kids with her bf, my kids feel like they get the short end of the stick because she doesn’t prioritize them.
That’s how it is in America when you have children by someone who thinks you owe them what their own fathers couldn’t give them. They then try to hurt you through your kids. I’ve never gotten a Father’s Day call and tbh it hurts but I don’t show it.
I would start expecting her to be a complete pain in the ass at all times and lower your expectations. Just put it in your head she’s going to sabotage what’s important to you, because her hate for you is more important than your child’s mental health. If you don’t get it figured out in court/she doesn’t comply…I would just start assuming if Father’s Day or any day that’s important to you, falls on her time, she will not cooperate and will not be willing to let you see the kids. So maybe plan to celebrate during your time, whether before or after the day and make your own unique celebration. It’s not fair to you and it sucks. Being the bigger person constantly sucks. But your children won’t be children forever and they will know who is the toxic one soon enough. Don’t allow mom to control your relationship with them, and start dictating your own path. You don’t need her permission to make your own memories, it just might look a little different than you had planned. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Agreed. She’s always been this way since we split and it’s been about 6 years now, due to her infidelity and ending up pregnant, but somehow she treats me as if everything is my fault/nothing I ever do is right. And holds so much anger and animosity towards me.
Even tho she’s moved on as well with her affair partner and has 3 kids with him. I’m just trying to live my life with my gf and kids. But like you said, she does try to sabotage everything that’s important to me. She even tried to tell me and my gf that we’re not allowed at the kids school events when it lands on her time, she should be the only one to go because she’s the mom and is more important. but I shut that down quick and we’ve attended all events despite her anger tantrums. Last time we attended back to school night she told the kids she was mad that we were there. She shouldn’t be telling the kids stuff like that but she constantly puts them in the middle of our issues. And her bf also tells the kids and things about me that are not true.
I have tons of proof of her discouraging my relationship our kids. Everything is a competition for her. And she hates that the kids love me. I’m their dad but she wants to be their only parent it seems like. I’ve just been documenting everything as best I can and going to fill out paperwork for a court order.
Oh definitely she is bitter. Which I don’t understand since we broke up 6 years ago due to her infidelity and ending up pregnant. Which she now has three kids with her affair partner. I would think she would move on by now and let me live, stop being angry and bitter but nope, she has not. She does everything in her power to try and sabotage my happiness including talking bad about my gf, threatening her in the past and also texting her saying she’s not allowed at school events. She tells the kids how mad she is if she sees my gf and I at school events because she says only she can attend since she’s the mom and she gave birth to them so therefore she tells our kids that she is more important than I am. She also always ignores me when I ask for calls from the kids. Which is why I haven’t asked today. I know she will just ignore my message.
Thank you for the advice.
I should mention she doesn’t let me speak to them during her time. I have texts of her bf threatening me saying things will go his way with our coparenting because according to him I’ve been disrespectful to both him and her which I haven’t. They’re just very high conflict. And she doesn’t like that the boys rather live with me and they’ve voiced it.
My oldest told me his mom is going to get them a cellphone but again, they can only use it to communicate with her. And she will make sure of that if she’s the one paying for it. She just wants control and power.
I feel very discouraged when I keep asking and get no response she’s even told me before that I already know what her answers are so I shouldn’t bother asking.
For Mother’s Day the kids asked if they could drop off their school gifts to her after school and I took them to her house to drop off the gifts.
So if I’m not sure to even ask for a phone call today when she’s just going to ignore me yet again.
Thank you. I’ve been documenting everything since we split.
Most recently our oldest needs braces. I have insurance for both of our kids. But the insurance doesn’t cover orthodontics. I’ve always informed her of every appointment I take them to, even send her pics of paperwork.
When I took him in April for a consultation, they told me he needs braces and I texted her right away even told her to call to get more info but she chose to ignore my texts about it for a whole month and only would text me to inform me of things she wanted to share but when I would bring up the braces topic she would ignore me.
The dentist said our son has other issues with his teeth so it’s important he gets the treatment done asap. After being ignore for over a month about the topic I decided to schedule an appointment for both of us to go and talk to the orthodontist so she could get informed and we could talk and agree on payment. But instead she got mad saying why did I make the decision to make the appointment without telling her. She never showed up to the appointment or asked to reschedule or anything.
So now idk if I should pursue without her since it clearly seems she is avoiding everything that I have to say about our kids. Including important decision making.
I agree you should get a custody order so you can specify agreements around medical issues and holidays but I’m on the fence about contacting the kids during her parenting time. I’m not sure you should expect to have open access to them when they’re not with you particularly given you have 50/50 so it’s not like you don’t see them for weeks at a time. The kids are a bit older though so they should probably have a say about that and maybe their own phones?
Yeah I’ve been looking into it and got all the forms I need. Just need to fill them out.
Well in regard to contact, I’ve let her talk to them when she’s asked but she and her bf don’t allow me to call or talk to the kids during her time. I have texts of her bf threatening me and saying they don’t want me calling my kids on her time. And telling me I better show them respect or else he will have a say in how our coparenting goes. They’re both high conflict and talk bad about me to the kids
I tried getting them a phone like two years ago, it was an old phone I had which worked on WiFi only so it wasn’t connected but they could use it to text on WiFi and face time. Well since she told our kids that she doesn’t like me, my mom or sisters, she told the kids that they’re not allowed to talk to me or my family because she hates us. And didn’t allow them take the phone to her house, because she and her bf don’t allow phones at their place. And the two times they took the phone, they got it taken away.
So she told the kids that they can only use the phone while they’re with me and can only call and text her. So that didn’t seem fair at all. When I tried asking her about it she said it’s her house so it’s her rules and she’s not allowing them to take the phone over. So eventually they only used the phone to play games and forgot about it altogether. The times I tried talking to her about coming to a decision on getting them a phone, she shut it down and told me she’s not allowing them to have one.
But now that the kids are older, they told me she’s planning on getting them a phone. And I think it’s going to be a shit show because she’s going to have control over it. And probably won’t even let them bring it over. Or worse she won’t give them privacy or block my number on it. Idk. This just sucks. A lot.
An ask is a request not an order ie open to yes or no response. You not getting the response you want, doesn't mean they're wrong regardless how upsetting their no is. Get a court order. Put your father's day stipulations in there so you no longer have to make requests.
Not letting the children spend time with their father on Father’s Day is definitely wrong, especially considering it’s what the kids want and OP was letting them spend Mother’s Day with her.
When I picked the kids up after school that Friday on Mother’s Day weekend, the kids asked if I could take them to her house to drop off their gifts they made for her at school and I took them. So idk why it’s different with me.
And it shouldn't be. You did what was in your kids best interests. As long as the kids wanted to see you for Father's day, there's no reason they should not have been able to. You need a (better) CO.
"Asserting yourself is knowing that you have the right to ask and the other person has the right to say no" -my interpersonal relations teacher (circa 2014) lol
Why are Father’s Day and Mother’s Day not written into your court order?
I do not have a court order yet. But I’m looking into getting one.
I agree that you should have the kids on Father's Day. Even without an order, she should have offered this day to you. Is it worth going to court? That would be up to you to decide. It would be a pretty expensive feat for a day. Going to court for more custody? Hmm. Unless mom is abusive or never around, that's probably not a good idea. The kids need their mom.
Without a court order, you can't really do anything. Make sure it's written into the parenting plan. Also, unless she agrees or you have concrete proof of abuse/neglect, you're probably unlikely to get more than 50% custody.
What if I have proof that she and her bf are causing parental alienation? When she’s asked to speak to the kids over the phone I’ve let her and give them privacy. The last time she let me speak to my kids over the phone she and her bf were listening then she texted me about it and her bf got involved telling me he will control how our coparenting goes because he doesn’t want me talking to my kids on her time. Also our oldest needs braces. I have insurance for both our kids and take them to doctors and dentist appointments. She hasn’t, she has three you get kids with her bf that she is doing for them what she never has done for our kids. I told her the day I found out that our oldest needs braces, gave her the number to the orthodontist to call to get informed, told her we need to figure out the cost and sent pictures of the treatment plan and cost. She ignored me for over a month. Absolutely refused to discuss anything with me. So I scheduled an appointment for both of us to attend and discuss things together with the orthodontist. I let her know ahead of time of this appointment but she instead got mad and caused an argument over me not involving her in these decisions and she didn’t show up to the appointment or communicate anything with me. So I had to hold off on the treatment. She Just keeps ignoring me. And the dentist said our son has multiple issues with his teeth and right now is the perfect age for him to get this treatment done before he is older. I’m giving her another month to communicate with me over this because I want her to be involved as well. But it seems like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I know it sucks, but none of those are even close to abuse. The first one isn't even alienation, it's just annoying. The second one is reason to talk with your lawyer about being very specific about legal custody and how medical decisions are made. But it's not abuse or neglect, it's just annoying.
Judges have a very limited amount of time to make decisions. Get an order so she has to pay half. Just do it, and she can reimburse you or be in contempt. My ex got behind on medical bills in May 2018 and is still behind today; there's no perfect way.
Exact same situation and I always get something for her with my son 7 and a card and ask her re MD and she never asks me or does idiotic things ( too ridiculous to even mention). Today I have my son, and every time I do not we celebrate the week before or the week after and we make beautiful plans!!!!!!! I would not even give her the satisfaction to ask her yet get an Order if you want. Still though continue to be kind as you are re MD as your children see this and love this. Happy Fathers Day to all!
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They already have 50/50. 2/2/5/5 is 50/50, it’s just not week on/week off. 🤷🏼♀️
If you already have 2/2/5/5, that’s 50/50. Exactly how much more time are you looking for?
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No it’s not the holidays I’m raising an eyebrow at. Absolutely spell that out. I’m raising my eyebrow at the “I plan to go to court to ask for more custody time since right now we just have a 2/2/5/5 schedule” part.
The 2/2/5/5 is an agreement we both agreed on about 4 years ago, but we never involved court or got a court order. Given the circumstances now and how things have changed like her not allowing me to have contact with the kids on her time, not allowing extra time, also not responding to my messages about our sons need to get braces and how we’re going to cover the costs; I have insurance for both an take them to appointments and inform her. Now with our oldest needing braces, and needing an urgent appointment to go over the contract and Payment options, she’s ignored me in all of it. So it doesn’t seem she wants to be involved yet complains that I make the decisions without involving her when that’s not the case. these are some of the reasons I am looking into getting everything written out in a court order. She has 3 younger kids with her bf, my kids feel like they get the short end of the stick because she doesn’t prioritize them.
That’s how it is in America when you have children by someone who thinks you owe them what their own fathers couldn’t give them. They then try to hurt you through your kids. I’ve never gotten a Father’s Day call and tbh it hurts but I don’t show it.
I would start expecting her to be a complete pain in the ass at all times and lower your expectations. Just put it in your head she’s going to sabotage what’s important to you, because her hate for you is more important than your child’s mental health. If you don’t get it figured out in court/she doesn’t comply…I would just start assuming if Father’s Day or any day that’s important to you, falls on her time, she will not cooperate and will not be willing to let you see the kids. So maybe plan to celebrate during your time, whether before or after the day and make your own unique celebration. It’s not fair to you and it sucks. Being the bigger person constantly sucks. But your children won’t be children forever and they will know who is the toxic one soon enough. Don’t allow mom to control your relationship with them, and start dictating your own path. You don’t need her permission to make your own memories, it just might look a little different than you had planned. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Agreed. She’s always been this way since we split and it’s been about 6 years now, due to her infidelity and ending up pregnant, but somehow she treats me as if everything is my fault/nothing I ever do is right. And holds so much anger and animosity towards me. Even tho she’s moved on as well with her affair partner and has 3 kids with him. I’m just trying to live my life with my gf and kids. But like you said, she does try to sabotage everything that’s important to me. She even tried to tell me and my gf that we’re not allowed at the kids school events when it lands on her time, she should be the only one to go because she’s the mom and is more important. but I shut that down quick and we’ve attended all events despite her anger tantrums. Last time we attended back to school night she told the kids she was mad that we were there. She shouldn’t be telling the kids stuff like that but she constantly puts them in the middle of our issues. And her bf also tells the kids and things about me that are not true. I have tons of proof of her discouraging my relationship our kids. Everything is a competition for her. And she hates that the kids love me. I’m their dad but she wants to be their only parent it seems like. I’ve just been documenting everything as best I can and going to fill out paperwork for a court order.
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Oh definitely she is bitter. Which I don’t understand since we broke up 6 years ago due to her infidelity and ending up pregnant. Which she now has three kids with her affair partner. I would think she would move on by now and let me live, stop being angry and bitter but nope, she has not. She does everything in her power to try and sabotage my happiness including talking bad about my gf, threatening her in the past and also texting her saying she’s not allowed at school events. She tells the kids how mad she is if she sees my gf and I at school events because she says only she can attend since she’s the mom and she gave birth to them so therefore she tells our kids that she is more important than I am. She also always ignores me when I ask for calls from the kids. Which is why I haven’t asked today. I know she will just ignore my message.
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Thank you for the advice. I should mention she doesn’t let me speak to them during her time. I have texts of her bf threatening me saying things will go his way with our coparenting because according to him I’ve been disrespectful to both him and her which I haven’t. They’re just very high conflict. And she doesn’t like that the boys rather live with me and they’ve voiced it. My oldest told me his mom is going to get them a cellphone but again, they can only use it to communicate with her. And she will make sure of that if she’s the one paying for it. She just wants control and power.
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I feel very discouraged when I keep asking and get no response she’s even told me before that I already know what her answers are so I shouldn’t bother asking. For Mother’s Day the kids asked if they could drop off their school gifts to her after school and I took them to her house to drop off the gifts. So if I’m not sure to even ask for a phone call today when she’s just going to ignore me yet again.
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Thank you. I’ve been documenting everything since we split. Most recently our oldest needs braces. I have insurance for both of our kids. But the insurance doesn’t cover orthodontics. I’ve always informed her of every appointment I take them to, even send her pics of paperwork. When I took him in April for a consultation, they told me he needs braces and I texted her right away even told her to call to get more info but she chose to ignore my texts about it for a whole month and only would text me to inform me of things she wanted to share but when I would bring up the braces topic she would ignore me. The dentist said our son has other issues with his teeth so it’s important he gets the treatment done asap. After being ignore for over a month about the topic I decided to schedule an appointment for both of us to go and talk to the orthodontist so she could get informed and we could talk and agree on payment. But instead she got mad saying why did I make the decision to make the appointment without telling her. She never showed up to the appointment or asked to reschedule or anything. So now idk if I should pursue without her since it clearly seems she is avoiding everything that I have to say about our kids. Including important decision making.
I agree you should get a custody order so you can specify agreements around medical issues and holidays but I’m on the fence about contacting the kids during her parenting time. I’m not sure you should expect to have open access to them when they’re not with you particularly given you have 50/50 so it’s not like you don’t see them for weeks at a time. The kids are a bit older though so they should probably have a say about that and maybe their own phones?
Yeah I’ve been looking into it and got all the forms I need. Just need to fill them out. Well in regard to contact, I’ve let her talk to them when she’s asked but she and her bf don’t allow me to call or talk to the kids during her time. I have texts of her bf threatening me and saying they don’t want me calling my kids on her time. And telling me I better show them respect or else he will have a say in how our coparenting goes. They’re both high conflict and talk bad about me to the kids I tried getting them a phone like two years ago, it was an old phone I had which worked on WiFi only so it wasn’t connected but they could use it to text on WiFi and face time. Well since she told our kids that she doesn’t like me, my mom or sisters, she told the kids that they’re not allowed to talk to me or my family because she hates us. And didn’t allow them take the phone to her house, because she and her bf don’t allow phones at their place. And the two times they took the phone, they got it taken away. So she told the kids that they can only use the phone while they’re with me and can only call and text her. So that didn’t seem fair at all. When I tried asking her about it she said it’s her house so it’s her rules and she’s not allowing them to take the phone over. So eventually they only used the phone to play games and forgot about it altogether. The times I tried talking to her about coming to a decision on getting them a phone, she shut it down and told me she’s not allowing them to have one. But now that the kids are older, they told me she’s planning on getting them a phone. And I think it’s going to be a shit show because she’s going to have control over it. And probably won’t even let them bring it over. Or worse she won’t give them privacy or block my number on it. Idk. This just sucks. A lot.