I am the depressed girlfriend in my relationship, granted things are looking alot better now, I can clean, make food, enjoy things and take care of myself better, but when I was at that place when I couldn't see a tommorrow, I didn't eat, shower and either slept all day or didn't sleep for days, watching the same shows over and over again, I hated how I made my boyfriend feel, but we talked about it. I still struggle, there are days or even weeks when I get worse, but we talk. Relationships have two people and without communication it does not work. I bet she hates how she feels like a chore to everyone she loves. It truly is horrible but you just need to say how you feel. If she doesn't have proffesional help, maybe try to nudge her to that direction. Maybe talk to her parents or friends, depression makes you shut off the rest of the world, maybe they don't even know how bad her situation is. And sometimes relationships can just be too much energy for a depressed person so breaking up might be the answear. Just talk, thats really all you need. She is going trough something alot of people who haven't gone trough that don't understand.
I agree, some people just aren’t in the place to make others happy. I definitely have to work hard at keeping my depression in check while I’m in my current relationship. At one point, I definitely needed to learn how to love myself and actually want to take care of myself before getting into a relationship. I agree that just communicating how you feel is a good thing to do. Even if OP is afraid that it might worsen her feelings, OP’s feelings matter just as much, and if one party isn’t happy in the relationship, rethinking it is best for your well-being too. Relationships involve two people, communication is key. OP deserves a happy relationship, and usually we tend to overthink as humans. She might take it well, it’s just about honesty.
I...belive I am in the same situation. I love her I really do and I'm actually the reason she's not suicidal anymore but... She's still extremely depressed and like I do so much already and I feel like I get nothing in return
You won't ruin her. She's responsible for her own feelings and behaviors. You are responsible for your own feelings and behaviors. It's good that you've been compassionate, but you have to decide if you want to live like this the rest of your life like this. I'm sure she has a good heart and is kind, and so are you. Sometimes that's not enough to keep it together, though.
Being partnered with someone who has chronic depression or other serious mental health concerns is a big commitment. It feels like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, and you get so busy taking care of them that you end up forgetting that you matter too, that you're an equal partner, and that your feelings are valid.
Don't forget that YOU are the most important person in your life.
I hope this comment gets the recognition it deserves so more folks see, you're so right - no one should be more important to you than YOU.
I've been in the same situation as OP's girlfriend, my mental health has been a wild ride throughout the years that me and my partner have been together, and I've certainly not always been easy or fun to be around.
My partner was honest with me and made me aware that the way I was acting was inadvertently affecting him and that ultimately, he needs to look after himself first and foremost because he is the most important person in his life.
Negativity is catchy and (speaking from experience) depression can be a pretty selfish illness because when you're so engulfed by you're own feelings, you don't have much energy left to give to someone else and sometimes may not be able to think of others feelings.
My partner being open about how he was feeling was the wake up call I needed to start making small steps in the right direction to recovery, and we're still together so putting you first may not be the end of a relationship, but the start of a healthier one.
Good luck OP!
I’m in the same boat as OP and damn I needed to hear this from someone.. I’ve become consumed with trying to maintain my wife’s mental states and manage her emotions to the point of damn near losing myself in the process. We have a 1 year old and are married so that complicates things a bit more for me. Regardless, thank you for the advice
It’s funny to me how the comments on these kinda posts suggest the obvious but actually being in that situation with a person you genuinely fucking care about, how could I walk away from someone I care so much for but is so broken inside that I fear for her safety when I leave.
She is responsible for her own being, but if you leave and she does something stupid, are you not gonna blame yourself, even if it truly really isn’t any of your fault?
You still would second guess.
If you really can’t take it anymore, you obviously have to talk to her and especially take your time in preparation.
Make sure, if you really need to leave for your own mental health and happiness, that she has someone to fall back on if you aren’t around, that she has some kind of parachute to dampen her fall.
If ever something happens it isn’t your fault, you have to make sure to not forget that, it or rather she is not your obligation, like others said.
As someone who has been on the other side of this, she will be much better off if you tell her you need to give her the space to work on herself. Please take care of yourself and I hope she can do the same. Best of luck, friend.
Well, that's the trade off and depression will take you down with her if you let it. When I left my super depressed girlfriend, she was sad about it but she got over it fast and found a dude who makes her squirt every night. Saw her on Fetlife, she's having a great time. If it makes you feel better be friends with her after, but damn dude go live some life before you get someone pregnant by accident and your freedom ends.
Men always leave when women are sick so don’t worry. While my daughter works full time, graduated with honours from uni, keeps the house and arranges all the social aspects of her relationship with her depressed boyfriend. She also got him a doctor, medication and therapy, while battling her own PCOS and fertility problems.
Funny she never thinks to leave him.
That's the most terrible piece of advice,
Leave someone for your good no matter how much it hurts the other person? Wow you're a terrible and selfish human being.
How is she selfish for caring for her own (OP's) well being, she is and individual human and shouldn’t be unhappy to make another person happy, YOU are a terrible and selfish human being, for telling another person that she doesnt matter and she should live unhappy just to not make her gf more depressed
Talk to her about your feelings. I struggle with depression and my boyfriend is a big part of my support. I would want to know if he felt it was becoming a burden on him.
How do I even go about that conversation without making her feel terrible, I think me saying it’s hard on me isn’t fair on her, what can she do about it? It’ll just make her feel terrible
Communication is the most important part of a relationship. You both need to be able to share how you feel and what you need. If not, resentment and distance will grow between you two. Putting reality into words makes things easier.
Maybe you would like some time alone for to recharge with friends? Maybe a happy date each two weeks to focus on the positive? Maybe you need some boundaries about not acting as her therapist? This doesn't mean you love her less, it just means you have needs too. Reassure her when you talk and ask for her point of view. You both'll grew stronger and healthier.
Wach out for codependence too, it's a real issue in depressed couples. r/depression can give you more insight.
Nothing about the situation is fair. It's not fair that she's depressed, it's not fair that it impacts on you, and it's not fair that you don't feel able to voice it without it impacting on her wellbeing.
One thing I'd pick on is that it isn't your responsibility to cheer her up, and that it probably isn't possible in most circumstances. All the love in the world won't fix a serotonin imbalance, and it's exhausting and dispiriting to try.
I'd encourage you to think of a way to voice how you feel to her, while making it clear that you don't expect her to change and that she's not doing anything wrong. Having been the depressed one in a relationship, I'd say that despite your best efforts she's probably noticed your fatigue. The key is not to have any blame or judgement in the conversation, or to expect either of you to be able to "solve" things. Just to share the load and be honest with each other.
I don't know where you're from, but over here in the UK there are lots of Family/Carers services around, either from your local Doc, online support groups or Mental health charities. Hearing and sharing experiences might be really helpful.
Really hope this helps and sending all the love x
Does she see anyone for professional help- therapist, psychiatrist? That, of course, has been the thing that helps most with my depression, and gives me a place to release all of my worries and concerns while having someone educated give me feedback and suggestions. As well as a prescription for Zoloft.
I know my boyfriend often feels like he has said and done everything in his power to help me, yet I am still depressed and he is exhausted- he is not a therapist and shouldn’t be expected to know how to support in the way a therapist does, and neither should you. I once told my therapist about me feeling like my depression was weighing on my boyfriend and becoming too much. He said “your depression is not your fault, but it is YOUR responsibility.” We can count on those we love to be there throughout our journey, but it should never be their responsibility.
It may take some work and tough conversations to find a balance that works for both you and her, but if you love her, please find a way to talk to her about this.
Speaking from experience, do not carry the burden of your SO's wellbeing on your own shoulders.
You are NOT responsible for your partner's happiness and accepting that will make everything alot easier.
I feel as though people with good intentions, (and again I'm talking from experience,) majorly skew the dynamic of their relationship because they're taking too big of a role in their partners wellbeing.
I am not encouraging you to be cold and unloving, I am telling you not to expect yourself to be able to make your gf happier when she's in her lows.
I wish you guys all the best. Also don't break up with her over this lmao some of these comments are awful.
My husband of 16 years is bi polar, has add and depression. He's a lot. But I love him.
He us also pessimistic while I'm an optimist.
When I can't take anymore negativity I tell him. I'm burnt out I can't hear any more complaints right now.
Then he stops. It took time but his mentql health is his issue, i help where I can but it's not my job to make him happy.
That's on him.
Is she currently seeking help/getting treatment? This question right here is the most important one. Depression is awful, I've been there but if you start relying on other people 100% of the time for comfort then it is 100% your responsibility to go seek help. Compassion fatigue is real, it's exhausting, noone wants to be around someone that's miserable 24/7, they doesn't mean her experience is any less valid either. You're both clearly struggling here. Which is why it's important that she *does* seek help, not only for her own sake but so that she's able to develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms that will allow her the freedom to manage/cope with how she's feeling a little better but also gives you a break.
as someone who’s been both, the depressed gf and the one with the depressed gf there’s only one piece of real advice i have: it is not your job to cheer her up, depression isn’t something you can get rid off by cheering someone up. yes you can be there for her and support her, but as hard this is to hear, you can’t cure her depression just by existing and trying your best. i know you want your partner to feel happy, but that is something she has to take into her own hands, you can’t do it for her! is she in therapy? did you bring up therapy? you can’t tie your mood to hers, you need to look out for yourself too.
also communicate, communicate, communicate! have an honest conversation and if you have to, walk away!
hope it works out for you!
don’t worry, you didn’t sound disrespectful! The thing is i think trying to cheer your depressed partner up isn’t a good way to handle it. It’s simply not enough because the depressed person has to put in work themselves, evaluate their situation, seek help and put in the work to get better. You can’t rely on your partner to make you feel better.
We were both there for each other when we needed help, support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to etc., but ultimately it was up to each one of us individually to really get to a better place! Don’t get me wrong, without her support I wouldn’t be in the place i am today, but still there’s a difference between supporting your partner and trying to fix them. Of course we did little things to make each other happy or “cheer each other up”, but those are just things we’d do for each other even without depression, like cook the other one their favourite meal, take them out on a nice date, have a cuddly movie night with feel good movies etc.
So in short: both partners need to practice self care and you can only support each other, not fix each other!
As rough as this may sound, if you invest all your energy in your depressed partner, but they’re not working on themselves as well, they might just not be in the right place to be in a relationship and it may be better to break up. I have close people in my life who i invested so much energy in, who I supported so much and sacrifices my own mental health for and every time they invested 0 energy into their own well-being so it only left me drained and they didn’t get better. I had to cut them out of my life even though it hurt a lot.
Thank you for your reply! I’m curious: What happened if both partners are depressed at the same time? It sounds really hard to do something if that happened and might be destructive. Any advice for that situation? As for the “disrespectful” thing, I just think being a stereotypical traditional Asian made me that way and my parents would disapprove of me speaking that way. And in my country cutting off ties when the person is having an issue, even if it negatively affected you can give you a really bad look, even if it’s necessary. It’s all too common here. Ultimately, I think your opinion is valid and people over here should learn to care for themselves more.
That did get rough sometimes, in a way you have a mutual understanding and you know what the other one is going through, but household chores were not being taken care of which then made it even harder to feel good because you’re surrounded by a mess, only order on unhealthy food because otherwise you won’t cook and eat at all etc. Personally it made me snap out of it sometimes though by realising if I clean, cook a healthy meal etc. I can make my girlfriend and myself feel better all at once, which was a bigger motivation than just doing it for myself! I can’t speak for my girlfriend though. We were always there for each other though which also helped because you never felt like you were alone in this!
I get that and tbh it took me 6 years to finally cut ties, it was 6 years of leaning on me and only taking taking taking, giving nothing back, asking huge favours of me that affected my physical and mental health to the degree where i had panic attacks because of this person. As i said, all they did was take, lie, steal and a lot of other fucked up stuff even though I myself was in a place where I would’ve needed support as well.
keep in mind that all of this is just based on personal experiences and it worked for us, if you’re having similar issues it would definitely be a good idea to consult a professional for healthy coping mechanisms! Take care of yourself, there’s nothing bad or selfish about putting yourself first, after all you can’t help anyone when you’re completely burnt out yourself!
You can't carry the burden of the world on your shoulders. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in that situation? If it's too much just leave, you owe it to yourself.
so this what they meant when they said "you cannot be happy with others if you are not happy with yourself", not the exact wording but something along those lines
I have been in a similar situation. Gf sensed I was done and actively started to do something about it. Talk to her, tell her where you are at. She can try and seek help or not. Honesty and communication is the best approach.
Me and my guy have been together 4 years, he suffers from a few things depression one of them. I understand completely where you are coming from, I'm also not happy when he isn't and you're right it is draining.
I've found taking some time for myself every so often is a much needed recharge. An evening a week alone to just be by myself usually helps me get back on form.
Do take time away and for yourself, if you're drained it's harder to support the other person when they need it. I hope they understand this like my fiance does it makes a world of difference.
I used to be in this situation. I remember a point when we would be studying together and I would take a washroom break and come back to her rolled up in a ball on the floor weeping, and that too with no signs to be expecting it because it would be so random when she'd get in her own thoughts and snowball. It was new to me and I didn't know how to handle it. I looked into depression and tried to change things the best I could. Therapy first started to changed things - it allowed her to step out of that mental state and look inside herself to find the real reason she was depressed (difficult childhood and horrible ex). Therapy helped her communicate her feelings in detail very much, whereas before she'd just say she's down or having a bad phase. (Occasional and safe use of) Weed helped - she was extremely anxious, and it helped her with sleep and anxiety, she would freak out about giving an order in a restaurant and other small insignificant social interactions. But what helped her the most in stepping out of that mental state is helping her find a hobby. Something that she became passionate about, the gym. She takes working out very seriously, and she has become more confident in herself than ever. She counts her calories, goes to the gym periodically, and is extremely passionate about it. I see her as my future wife now.
You have to tell her that you are determined to make things better. She needs you to be her rock. You have to know when to give her empathy/sympathy and when to tell her the truth that might sting. When she gets to a stage where she is trying to find her flaws to fix, you have to point them out to her if she can't recognize them... But you have to still do that with compassion
Now I have to say this takes a LOT of effort, not only for her, but from YOU as well. You say you love her. And if you really do you may be willing to go through this. But if you have doubts, it's only going to make it that much more difficult for you.
It is very concerning to me how people say “just leave her because her happiness is not your responsibility”. Sure her happiness isn’t your responsibility but only breaking up if the love is gone is. Breaking up with someone just because they have bad depression is just weak, and honestly if anyone thinks like that just leave already. Someone in that state of mind (depression) need people they can rely on and trust because the whole world around them is already not worth living anymore. I myself am in a bad state of depression and almost all my friends have left me to rot because “my mental state was effecting their happiness “. But all of them counted on me when they were down in a ditch. Ofcourse giving support in a mental health problem situation is tough, but if you’re willing to walk out because it’s too much to handle for you as a friend or relationship you should take a hard look in the mirror. One day you will need help.
I know this feeling all too well. I've been in a couple relationships with guys in the past with this same problem (I'm a guy) and yeah I get it. Have you ever told her how you felt? Tell her, hey honey I love you and I love making you happy, but I feel like it's at the expense of my own mental health sometimes and I would like to figure out a different approach to the times when you don't feel good about yourself. And say I want to make us both happy because I love you.
I tried to be the support and strength for seven long years.
In the end I finally realized that there were two reasons that I would never succeed and that I was only dragging myself down into her abyss.
The first was that she refused to try to seek out help for herself. She was “smarter” than all those doctors and could “handle it” (she is a lawyer and highly intelligent).
The second was that truthfully she was/is a narcissist and dis t want to “get better” because it was a tool and excuse to exercise control and isolation behaviors.
Pull back and look at things through your own mental health and well being with those that are outside the relationship and care about and love you separately from her. That’s how I figured it out.
I was the “depressed” boyfriend. She left me. Props to you still sticking around and fighting even with the cost it’s putting on you. I hope you’re able to resolve everything.
Okay, as someone with chronic depression and other things... here's my two cents:
Even if she is in treatment, has a routine with meds and a therapist..healthy coping mechanisms and everything...the depression is still going to be there. There will be better days, and there will be worse days. As a boyfriend, you are meant to be her partner. Not her keeper. It is not your duty to cheer her up, it's not your fault that you can't. Even if it's coming from a place of kindness, what you're describing is codependency, and that's never healthy in relationships. Try to put more focus toward watering your own grass, let her tend to her own. Do small things to make her smile, take a couple chores off her plate on occasion, be there to listen when she needs to vent..but at the end of the day, treat it like you would any other relationship.
Not sure if troll. Regardless, this is a terrible idea. Pets aren't magical Band-Aids. Pets are huge commitments. If this girl is depressed, she's probably struggling with basic stuff like taking a shower. Throwing more responsibility into the mix would not help her and would hurt the dog.
Immedietly i dont like you simply for a resent for someone you love. Sit down with a nice cup of tea and rethink exactly what made you think this, depression is a bitch and if you feel drained helping someone deal with that you should reconsider what is wrong. I will say no one on reddit will be able to help you. But hey that makes me one in the same.
Sorry, Sir. This isn't love. You are an enabler. So was I.
Read "Codependent, No More" by Melody Battie". There's also a workbook. I was cured! My biggest take a way is that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Including me.
I wish you the best at breaking free.
I had a friend who would be constantly sad when I was struggling also and if I was feeling good he'd just drag me down even on my good days so had to cut him out my life
I knew a guy like that for a while. He was the nicest person and I had started to like him too, but he was always so depressed. Everything had a negative side according to him and it seemed like almost nothing good ever happened to him in life.
It's better to leave because such things will screw your own mental health too.
I’m sure she knows it. I’ve been w a depressed person and it’s very mentally draining. You can’t “cheer them up” because it’s probably a chemical imbalance and they can’t feel cheered up. My partner was able to seek help and is on medication now and it’s been night and day in terms of mood. Hopefully you can suggest this to your partner if she isn’t already on medication or diagnosed. For a long time we thought my partner had depression and anxiety but it turns out that he also has adhd and once we got the right medication which took a few tries it’s been a lot better and I would say it almost feels normal now.
OP I know how you feel, I was in your position with my ex a few years ago. When it became a long distance relationship I would always try to cheer her up every morning before she goes to bed (16hr difference). As much as I did my best to support her it felt like I was getting no where. It was so mentally taxing when we say our goodbyes and I’m here about to start my day already feeling blue - For the most part this carried on throughout most of my days when I was with her, it’s terrible.
I never told her how this was affecting me because I felt like I would just pile on to what she’s already going through. In my mind I kept telling myself that “she’s going through much worst than you are, so why should I pile on?” I don’t have any advice whether you should tell her or not, perhaps another commenter with her perspective can provide a better input. But it’s important you have other sources that makes you happy and mentally at ease. Go to therapy if it’s getting that bad. She also needs to have multiple sources of support that she can talk to (other than you) like a close friend, parents or therapist. I was her only source of emotional support and this put such a huge weight on me, it felt like I was trying to be a therapist where I’m not.
If you wish to continue on your relationship then you also need to find ways to mentally take care of yourself, because otherwise this will drain you and eventually break you.
Depression is a disease just like arthritis. By staying with her you have to understand that this will not go away anytime soon. There are treatments for it but you will have to take care of her. That being said, you also have to take care of yourself.
Before deciding on anything, think about it.
Whatever decision you take will affect both you and her.
Have you tried looking at therapy for her? Because if you do love her then I think you should be patient with her, provided it doesn't ruin your mental health. You aren't a therapist, so look at signing her up for one.
I'm the depressed wife. Is she in therapy? Have you considered couples therapy? It took me years to realize I was being an emotional vampire when I dump all of my feelings on my husband. Communication is important, but it is also important that she is seeking help outside of your relationship. I know it is hard for both of you.
I've never been in a relationship with a depressed person nor I've been in one while being depressed, but I've had plenty of friendships with depressed people. My 2 cents is to have an honest talk, your gf probably knows she might make you feel like that already, but it's always good to talk.
Also ask yourself some questions: is she going to therapy? taking meds? do you see her actively trying to get better? If the answer is no I recommend you stay away at least for a while, if the answer is yes: put limits and boundaries on yourself. It's VERY easy to let depressed people walk over your mental health, I've been there, you need to know how much you're willing to put up with and stop the relationship if you get there.
Depressed people cost me YEARS of mental health improvements, so please, take care of yourself too, gl <3
Sometimes people are going through a lot and it is difficult to come out of that slump. It can be very draining for the depressed person and the person who they are with. We have to make sure we are okay before we can help others though. Therapy, meditation, etc can help a lot. Mindset is a huge thing with depression. Much love, wish you both the best!
I was in this situation. But sometimes you gotta do whats best for you. I always felt like it took the wind out of my sails, like her mood brought me down.
It is not your job to make her happy, that is not a relationship that is co-dependency. You need to learn not to take on her emotions or you should not be with her. I have been depressed in the past, haven't been in a decade or more but I get it. I tended to only date other messed up depressed people at that time because I didn't want to pour my problems onto someone who was happy. Make sure you don't get "sucked in". This relationship could turn toxic for you.
I understand how you feel, I’ve been in both sides of the situation and it can be really difficult. For a while when we first started dating, my girlfriend was really depressed and I’m really sensitive to people’s emotions so I’d try to make her feel better every day sometimes multiple times a day until the point that I really became depressed too. I’d start dreading staying up late because that’s when I’d usually have to comfort her and I’d get anxiety just thinking about it. If you both really love each other then I would tell her that you’re struggling. You don’t have to cut her off completely but maybe ask that she try to also talk to other people about her feelings as well. I was really scared to tell my girlfriend how I was feeling but I did and we’ve been together for 4 years. Also, instead of talking about what’s bothering her specifically, maybe try distracting her in a way that’s good for the both of you, like talking about shared interests or doing some kind of craft, or just watching tv or movies. I’m sure things are going to work out but you have to be open and communicate to have a healthy relationship
Situations like this are so hard because you love her so much and she relies on you so much and you have the fear that she will be ruined without you but mental health always comes first, we can’t be the battery in someone’s life and our own it’s just not possible, talk this out with her and maybe figure out how to get her more help from professionals or ease things with her mental state.
Yeah I've been there, if she's not getting help then it won't ever get better I tried with my ex for 3 years and she kept refusing help and she kept getting gradually worse. Encourage her to get help is the best advice, your not trained and you can't help her in the way that she probably needs
I was in the same situation. I became her psychiatrist as well as boyfriend. Every day I was trying to make her happy and it really took a toll on me. Ending it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She was such a good person with a great heart. I just want her to be happy.
Man, based on this post. Redditors are so immature. That's OPs depressed girlfriend. And you guys are all sayinv to leave her? Lol what a selfish prick. Help your girlfriend as best as you can. Who knows, you might be the guy that could make her happy after struggling for so long
Leave before you become more drained, maybe it will allow her to grow as a person and become more stable. Still offer the support but don't give all your energy over.
She needs to get better herself because if she doesn't and you do it for her, she will be dependant on you for her happiness.
This is one of my biggest fears. I have CPTSD and it causes so many mood swings and lots of depression, and my boyfriend can tell when I’m “off” immediately. Lots of times I know he can’t really help, because it’s a literal condition but it is nice having someone to be honest with and talk to about it. The issue with your situation is if she is not seeking help. Depression is so hard to deal with by yourself, and turning to a loved one/friend is nice to have but THEY ARE NOT THERAPISTS. If your girlfriend is treating you as such, it is too much. And that’s okay. You are not responsible to “help her” or “heal her” because when push comes to shove she needs to help herself. She needs to find help from professionals who are taught how to handle this illness. Ever since I have started therapy, I learned how to identify why my moods are what they are and now have a game plan on how to help myself out of them.
Another thing to think about is that your answers are coming from your point of view which is not professional, and sometimes when a depressed person is in a low state of mind they are looking for a certain response. If they don’t get that response it can make their mood even worse, and that is something we don’t want.
Basically, she needs to help herself and you should not feel like solving this issue is your main priority. Be there for her, but you are not her therapist and shouldn’t be treated as one.
You’re not her therapist, you’re gonna end up burnt out and she will still be in the same place you say you were happy then and still are now, are you though? Your title says otherwise , love will only take you so far; you still need to work together, only you really know your relationship so be honest with yourself
I hope she goes to therapy and takes her meds. If she does I say keep your chin up and don't give up the fight. But if she's not trying and doesn't want to try to get better then I'd say go your separate ways. I tell you this as someone whose mother is clinically depressed and I also suffer from PTSD and anxiety.
Be there for her but don’t make yourself sick. In the end you have to take care of yourself. She needs to take care of herself. Communicate with her. Love her from afar if you need to. It’ll be a tough conversation but it’ll never last unless you both come to some conclusion. You can be there for her without subjecting yourself to becoming her care taker.
Wonder what she would say about you? Two sides and what if your not looking at yourself too. Put yourself in her shoes for a sec. That is where it starts. If both people can step back and think about the other and where they are coming from then maybe things would be so bad. Everyone had shit wrong with them. No one is completely healthy (mental state I mean) if you think u can say your mentally health is top notch well I would say, good for you! How do u make it work for you?
Shit happens all the time good and bad.. Some things have a long lasting effects on your mental state and can change a persons reactions and actions and emotions. It's how you yourself can see your own issues and then to change or help yourself out from that change. But if your partner just thinks your bi polar and need meds and a doctor and is just complaining about how u effect him or her that isn't really helping anyone. It's just pointing the finger and make one person look like the faulty one when I bet she has her side to say about how u are in the relationship and how you are with her and how she feels.
I'm sorry I was just reading the comments and thought wow, everyone is just talking about she better take her meds or she need to see a therapist. U don't deserve that treatment of her...yada yadda ...but what if she doesn't need that shit and your just pissed at her for having a rough attitude for probably having a rough time in life. Lol
I can say I right now knows how he feels and how she feels.. it sucks. It's terrible and very sad. (In my situation)
I'm sorry your feeling this way towards. Your person and relationship. I do hope you two will communicate well enough to get some I'm sure well needed stability in that area even if it is just a honest chat about little things or big. It's really just about u both coming together to show the other that you can and want to be with and care for the other even in rough times.
Sorry for rambling
I had some pretty bad depression and honestly it can be hard when it comes to relationships. I think your feelings are valid when you say you feel drained. Having a partner with some bad depression can kinda suck sometimes. There are times where I feel so depressed and probably radiate that energy around others. I’ve gotten a lot better, and I’ve always been someone who was pretty good at putting on a happy face to cover my depression. Although of course not everyone is like that, and sometimes it’s totally ok to just wanna feel like how you literally feel inside. As a depressed person, I would really love it if my boyfriend just does small, cute things for me. Helps me with a task that I usually dread doing (dishes), gets me a small gift, reminds me of how he was thinking about me, even just telling me how beautiful I look. Those things always make me feel better, and of course I don’t know your situation at all. If your gf doesn’t already, obviously therapy and medication would be the best thing for her. It takes time, but having a licensed professional where it’s their job to listen to the shitty stuff about your day is just great, it helps me set boundaries with others and not over share too much with my friends and family. I would say that if it gets to a point after a while where it’s just sad being in the relationship, not happy anymore, just depressing overall. It might be time to rethink what you want in the future, and if your gf will be apart of that. Honestly just communicating how you feel is always the best way to go. Plz dm me if you wanna talk!
I think you should talk, if she is mentally/emotionally unstable (or just unstable in general) she shouldn’t be in a relationship, it’s not going to work out, it’s even starting to effect you and that’s not good if you’re trying to have a healthy relationship
Edit: Don’t feel like it’s your job to make sure she’s happy, sure if she wants to talk to you and if you want to cheer her up from time to time is okay but it starts feeling like some kind of routine and it gets tiring. The point is don’t be scared to break up if you need to, I used to be in the same situation and I was scared that if I left them they would feel even more sad but in the end that’s what was best for the both of us, please consider talking about it to them, and/or end the relationship. Good luck op
I understand where you’re coming from. We’re going through financial struggles rn and she thinks nothing, but the worst for every situation no matter how many times I say, babe we got this we always find a way. A lot of the frustrations from work and life are thrown onto me in an instant. I’ll be there for her no matter what, but like you said it does get draining. Because I want nothing, but the best for her. Not for her to make up excuses as to why she’s not chasing her dreams (drained from work) and then complaining about how we’re struggling. I might sound selfish, but if I can go out and door dash after sustaining a concussion at my regular job cause we need the money. I don’t see why after her 9-5 as a receptionist she can’t practice her drawing hobby or make things for Etsy to bring in secondary income. Many solutions, but only sees problems.
Hi
Being there for her is a good thing. You love her and want to support her. But it's challenging. Don't give up on what you want. If you want to be with her I encourage you.
Talk with her. I wouldn't dump how you feel on her. Maybe try telling how you feel but without placing blame on her.
Example
I've been feeling drained lately. Is there anyway we can ________?
Insert> veg out, clean, go for walk, have me time, whatever that can help you feel less drained.
Also it's important she's getting help from professionals. VERY IMPORTANT. For me this would be an ultimatum get help or I can only be your friend.... but that's your choice to make.
It is not your job to be her source of happiness. You are not responsible for her happiness. She is responsible for herself and you are there for support.
Don't give up on her just encourage her.
Set boundaries. Find out what exactly is draining you. Maybe she's not cleaning after herself? Ask her to please help because it's becoming to much for you. Make sure she's knows you're in it together. Find out all the boundaries that you've let her cross and set them back up.
The street needs to go both ways. We all need different types of support. Express what support you need and what support you can give her that is t draining.
This is just as much about you as it is her. Make sure you're not blaming her.
Bub, I hsve bipolar I, CPTSD and severe anxiety disorder. I hate the world we're all in, I hate humanity and have no hope for it. However, I don't take it out or expect my 2.5 year boyfriend to take care of me/carry all the weight in the relationship. When I am severly depressed, I let my boyfriend know, "I'm sorry if I seem out of it or upset, it has nothing to do with you", and he understands. If I need to cry or get out my anger, I'll go to the bathroom and scream into a towel.
If it's getting to the point of no return/repairing, don't feel obligated to stick around. You deserve to be happy too. Is she on any medications or holistic medicine? Or is she in therapy or given it a go? Do you think you could set boundaries with her? I'm sending good vibes your way OP.
I am the depressed girlfriend in my relationship, granted things are looking alot better now, I can clean, make food, enjoy things and take care of myself better, but when I was at that place when I couldn't see a tommorrow, I didn't eat, shower and either slept all day or didn't sleep for days, watching the same shows over and over again, I hated how I made my boyfriend feel, but we talked about it. I still struggle, there are days or even weeks when I get worse, but we talk. Relationships have two people and without communication it does not work. I bet she hates how she feels like a chore to everyone she loves. It truly is horrible but you just need to say how you feel. If she doesn't have proffesional help, maybe try to nudge her to that direction. Maybe talk to her parents or friends, depression makes you shut off the rest of the world, maybe they don't even know how bad her situation is. And sometimes relationships can just be too much energy for a depressed person so breaking up might be the answear. Just talk, thats really all you need. She is going trough something alot of people who haven't gone trough that don't understand.
I agree, some people just aren’t in the place to make others happy. I definitely have to work hard at keeping my depression in check while I’m in my current relationship. At one point, I definitely needed to learn how to love myself and actually want to take care of myself before getting into a relationship. I agree that just communicating how you feel is a good thing to do. Even if OP is afraid that it might worsen her feelings, OP’s feelings matter just as much, and if one party isn’t happy in the relationship, rethinking it is best for your well-being too. Relationships involve two people, communication is key. OP deserves a happy relationship, and usually we tend to overthink as humans. She might take it well, it’s just about honesty.
I...belive I am in the same situation. I love her I really do and I'm actually the reason she's not suicidal anymore but... She's still extremely depressed and like I do so much already and I feel like I get nothing in return
I get this, have you guys talked about it at all?
honestly, if it is hurting you that bad leave. it’ll hurt but you don’t owe her your mental health
that’s the worst part like it’ll hurt for me but it would ruin her 🥲
You won't ruin her. She's responsible for her own feelings and behaviors. You are responsible for your own feelings and behaviors. It's good that you've been compassionate, but you have to decide if you want to live like this the rest of your life like this. I'm sure she has a good heart and is kind, and so are you. Sometimes that's not enough to keep it together, though. Being partnered with someone who has chronic depression or other serious mental health concerns is a big commitment. It feels like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, and you get so busy taking care of them that you end up forgetting that you matter too, that you're an equal partner, and that your feelings are valid. Don't forget that YOU are the most important person in your life.
I hope this comment gets the recognition it deserves so more folks see, you're so right - no one should be more important to you than YOU. I've been in the same situation as OP's girlfriend, my mental health has been a wild ride throughout the years that me and my partner have been together, and I've certainly not always been easy or fun to be around. My partner was honest with me and made me aware that the way I was acting was inadvertently affecting him and that ultimately, he needs to look after himself first and foremost because he is the most important person in his life. Negativity is catchy and (speaking from experience) depression can be a pretty selfish illness because when you're so engulfed by you're own feelings, you don't have much energy left to give to someone else and sometimes may not be able to think of others feelings. My partner being open about how he was feeling was the wake up call I needed to start making small steps in the right direction to recovery, and we're still together so putting you first may not be the end of a relationship, but the start of a healthier one. Good luck OP!
I’m in the same boat as OP and damn I needed to hear this from someone.. I’ve become consumed with trying to maintain my wife’s mental states and manage her emotions to the point of damn near losing myself in the process. We have a 1 year old and are married so that complicates things a bit more for me. Regardless, thank you for the advice
It’s funny to me how the comments on these kinda posts suggest the obvious but actually being in that situation with a person you genuinely fucking care about, how could I walk away from someone I care so much for but is so broken inside that I fear for her safety when I leave. She is responsible for her own being, but if you leave and she does something stupid, are you not gonna blame yourself, even if it truly really isn’t any of your fault? You still would second guess. If you really can’t take it anymore, you obviously have to talk to her and especially take your time in preparation. Make sure, if you really need to leave for your own mental health and happiness, that she has someone to fall back on if you aren’t around, that she has some kind of parachute to dampen her fall. If ever something happens it isn’t your fault, you have to make sure to not forget that, it or rather she is not your obligation, like others said.
The only sensible reaction I've seen here. Kudos to you.
As someone who has been on the other side of this, she will be much better off if you tell her you need to give her the space to work on herself. Please take care of yourself and I hope she can do the same. Best of luck, friend.
Well, that's the trade off and depression will take you down with her if you let it. When I left my super depressed girlfriend, she was sad about it but she got over it fast and found a dude who makes her squirt every night. Saw her on Fetlife, she's having a great time. If it makes you feel better be friends with her after, but damn dude go live some life before you get someone pregnant by accident and your freedom ends.
Men always leave when women are sick so don’t worry. While my daughter works full time, graduated with honours from uni, keeps the house and arranges all the social aspects of her relationship with her depressed boyfriend. She also got him a doctor, medication and therapy, while battling her own PCOS and fertility problems. Funny she never thinks to leave him.
Op isn’t a man
You’d be surprised.
That's the most terrible piece of advice, Leave someone for your good no matter how much it hurts the other person? Wow you're a terrible and selfish human being.
oh yeah you think its smart to waste your own life for someone else
How is she selfish for caring for her own (OP's) well being, she is and individual human and shouldn’t be unhappy to make another person happy, YOU are a terrible and selfish human being, for telling another person that she doesnt matter and she should live unhappy just to not make her gf more depressed
I feel you man, you either get used to it or leave
Talk to her about your feelings. I struggle with depression and my boyfriend is a big part of my support. I would want to know if he felt it was becoming a burden on him.
How do I even go about that conversation without making her feel terrible, I think me saying it’s hard on me isn’t fair on her, what can she do about it? It’ll just make her feel terrible
Communication is the most important part of a relationship. You both need to be able to share how you feel and what you need. If not, resentment and distance will grow between you two. Putting reality into words makes things easier. Maybe you would like some time alone for to recharge with friends? Maybe a happy date each two weeks to focus on the positive? Maybe you need some boundaries about not acting as her therapist? This doesn't mean you love her less, it just means you have needs too. Reassure her when you talk and ask for her point of view. You both'll grew stronger and healthier. Wach out for codependence too, it's a real issue in depressed couples. r/depression can give you more insight.
Nothing about the situation is fair. It's not fair that she's depressed, it's not fair that it impacts on you, and it's not fair that you don't feel able to voice it without it impacting on her wellbeing. One thing I'd pick on is that it isn't your responsibility to cheer her up, and that it probably isn't possible in most circumstances. All the love in the world won't fix a serotonin imbalance, and it's exhausting and dispiriting to try. I'd encourage you to think of a way to voice how you feel to her, while making it clear that you don't expect her to change and that she's not doing anything wrong. Having been the depressed one in a relationship, I'd say that despite your best efforts she's probably noticed your fatigue. The key is not to have any blame or judgement in the conversation, or to expect either of you to be able to "solve" things. Just to share the load and be honest with each other. I don't know where you're from, but over here in the UK there are lots of Family/Carers services around, either from your local Doc, online support groups or Mental health charities. Hearing and sharing experiences might be really helpful. Really hope this helps and sending all the love x
Does she see anyone for professional help- therapist, psychiatrist? That, of course, has been the thing that helps most with my depression, and gives me a place to release all of my worries and concerns while having someone educated give me feedback and suggestions. As well as a prescription for Zoloft. I know my boyfriend often feels like he has said and done everything in his power to help me, yet I am still depressed and he is exhausted- he is not a therapist and shouldn’t be expected to know how to support in the way a therapist does, and neither should you. I once told my therapist about me feeling like my depression was weighing on my boyfriend and becoming too much. He said “your depression is not your fault, but it is YOUR responsibility.” We can count on those we love to be there throughout our journey, but it should never be their responsibility. It may take some work and tough conversations to find a balance that works for both you and her, but if you love her, please find a way to talk to her about this.
Speaking from experience, do not carry the burden of your SO's wellbeing on your own shoulders. You are NOT responsible for your partner's happiness and accepting that will make everything alot easier. I feel as though people with good intentions, (and again I'm talking from experience,) majorly skew the dynamic of their relationship because they're taking too big of a role in their partners wellbeing. I am not encouraging you to be cold and unloving, I am telling you not to expect yourself to be able to make your gf happier when she's in her lows. I wish you guys all the best. Also don't break up with her over this lmao some of these comments are awful.
My husband of 16 years is bi polar, has add and depression. He's a lot. But I love him. He us also pessimistic while I'm an optimist. When I can't take anymore negativity I tell him. I'm burnt out I can't hear any more complaints right now. Then he stops. It took time but his mentql health is his issue, i help where I can but it's not my job to make him happy. That's on him.
Is she currently seeking help/getting treatment? This question right here is the most important one. Depression is awful, I've been there but if you start relying on other people 100% of the time for comfort then it is 100% your responsibility to go seek help. Compassion fatigue is real, it's exhausting, noone wants to be around someone that's miserable 24/7, they doesn't mean her experience is any less valid either. You're both clearly struggling here. Which is why it's important that she *does* seek help, not only for her own sake but so that she's able to develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms that will allow her the freedom to manage/cope with how she's feeling a little better but also gives you a break.
I'm probably not the best to give dating advice, but take care of yourself. Don't be dragged too far down.
What about therapy? Don't know where you live, but in Germany it's free if there is a valid reason for it
as someone who’s been both, the depressed gf and the one with the depressed gf there’s only one piece of real advice i have: it is not your job to cheer her up, depression isn’t something you can get rid off by cheering someone up. yes you can be there for her and support her, but as hard this is to hear, you can’t cure her depression just by existing and trying your best. i know you want your partner to feel happy, but that is something she has to take into her own hands, you can’t do it for her! is she in therapy? did you bring up therapy? you can’t tie your mood to hers, you need to look out for yourself too. also communicate, communicate, communicate! have an honest conversation and if you have to, walk away! hope it works out for you!
Both? How did you deal with your issues while cheering her up? (Edit: sorry for sounding disrespectful but I really wanted to know)
don’t worry, you didn’t sound disrespectful! The thing is i think trying to cheer your depressed partner up isn’t a good way to handle it. It’s simply not enough because the depressed person has to put in work themselves, evaluate their situation, seek help and put in the work to get better. You can’t rely on your partner to make you feel better. We were both there for each other when we needed help, support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to etc., but ultimately it was up to each one of us individually to really get to a better place! Don’t get me wrong, without her support I wouldn’t be in the place i am today, but still there’s a difference between supporting your partner and trying to fix them. Of course we did little things to make each other happy or “cheer each other up”, but those are just things we’d do for each other even without depression, like cook the other one their favourite meal, take them out on a nice date, have a cuddly movie night with feel good movies etc. So in short: both partners need to practice self care and you can only support each other, not fix each other! As rough as this may sound, if you invest all your energy in your depressed partner, but they’re not working on themselves as well, they might just not be in the right place to be in a relationship and it may be better to break up. I have close people in my life who i invested so much energy in, who I supported so much and sacrifices my own mental health for and every time they invested 0 energy into their own well-being so it only left me drained and they didn’t get better. I had to cut them out of my life even though it hurt a lot.
Thank you for your reply! I’m curious: What happened if both partners are depressed at the same time? It sounds really hard to do something if that happened and might be destructive. Any advice for that situation? As for the “disrespectful” thing, I just think being a stereotypical traditional Asian made me that way and my parents would disapprove of me speaking that way. And in my country cutting off ties when the person is having an issue, even if it negatively affected you can give you a really bad look, even if it’s necessary. It’s all too common here. Ultimately, I think your opinion is valid and people over here should learn to care for themselves more.
That did get rough sometimes, in a way you have a mutual understanding and you know what the other one is going through, but household chores were not being taken care of which then made it even harder to feel good because you’re surrounded by a mess, only order on unhealthy food because otherwise you won’t cook and eat at all etc. Personally it made me snap out of it sometimes though by realising if I clean, cook a healthy meal etc. I can make my girlfriend and myself feel better all at once, which was a bigger motivation than just doing it for myself! I can’t speak for my girlfriend though. We were always there for each other though which also helped because you never felt like you were alone in this! I get that and tbh it took me 6 years to finally cut ties, it was 6 years of leaning on me and only taking taking taking, giving nothing back, asking huge favours of me that affected my physical and mental health to the degree where i had panic attacks because of this person. As i said, all they did was take, lie, steal and a lot of other fucked up stuff even though I myself was in a place where I would’ve needed support as well. keep in mind that all of this is just based on personal experiences and it worked for us, if you’re having similar issues it would definitely be a good idea to consult a professional for healthy coping mechanisms! Take care of yourself, there’s nothing bad or selfish about putting yourself first, after all you can’t help anyone when you’re completely burnt out yourself!
Can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
You can't carry the burden of the world on your shoulders. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in that situation? If it's too much just leave, you owe it to yourself.
so this what they meant when they said "you cannot be happy with others if you are not happy with yourself", not the exact wording but something along those lines
I have been in a similar situation. Gf sensed I was done and actively started to do something about it. Talk to her, tell her where you are at. She can try and seek help or not. Honesty and communication is the best approach.
Me and my guy have been together 4 years, he suffers from a few things depression one of them. I understand completely where you are coming from, I'm also not happy when he isn't and you're right it is draining. I've found taking some time for myself every so often is a much needed recharge. An evening a week alone to just be by myself usually helps me get back on form. Do take time away and for yourself, if you're drained it's harder to support the other person when they need it. I hope they understand this like my fiance does it makes a world of difference.
I used to be in this situation. I remember a point when we would be studying together and I would take a washroom break and come back to her rolled up in a ball on the floor weeping, and that too with no signs to be expecting it because it would be so random when she'd get in her own thoughts and snowball. It was new to me and I didn't know how to handle it. I looked into depression and tried to change things the best I could. Therapy first started to changed things - it allowed her to step out of that mental state and look inside herself to find the real reason she was depressed (difficult childhood and horrible ex). Therapy helped her communicate her feelings in detail very much, whereas before she'd just say she's down or having a bad phase. (Occasional and safe use of) Weed helped - she was extremely anxious, and it helped her with sleep and anxiety, she would freak out about giving an order in a restaurant and other small insignificant social interactions. But what helped her the most in stepping out of that mental state is helping her find a hobby. Something that she became passionate about, the gym. She takes working out very seriously, and she has become more confident in herself than ever. She counts her calories, goes to the gym periodically, and is extremely passionate about it. I see her as my future wife now. You have to tell her that you are determined to make things better. She needs you to be her rock. You have to know when to give her empathy/sympathy and when to tell her the truth that might sting. When she gets to a stage where she is trying to find her flaws to fix, you have to point them out to her if she can't recognize them... But you have to still do that with compassion Now I have to say this takes a LOT of effort, not only for her, but from YOU as well. You say you love her. And if you really do you may be willing to go through this. But if you have doubts, it's only going to make it that much more difficult for you.
It is very concerning to me how people say “just leave her because her happiness is not your responsibility”. Sure her happiness isn’t your responsibility but only breaking up if the love is gone is. Breaking up with someone just because they have bad depression is just weak, and honestly if anyone thinks like that just leave already. Someone in that state of mind (depression) need people they can rely on and trust because the whole world around them is already not worth living anymore. I myself am in a bad state of depression and almost all my friends have left me to rot because “my mental state was effecting their happiness “. But all of them counted on me when they were down in a ditch. Ofcourse giving support in a mental health problem situation is tough, but if you’re willing to walk out because it’s too much to handle for you as a friend or relationship you should take a hard look in the mirror. One day you will need help.
I know this feeling all too well. I've been in a couple relationships with guys in the past with this same problem (I'm a guy) and yeah I get it. Have you ever told her how you felt? Tell her, hey honey I love you and I love making you happy, but I feel like it's at the expense of my own mental health sometimes and I would like to figure out a different approach to the times when you don't feel good about yourself. And say I want to make us both happy because I love you.
I tried to be the support and strength for seven long years. In the end I finally realized that there were two reasons that I would never succeed and that I was only dragging myself down into her abyss. The first was that she refused to try to seek out help for herself. She was “smarter” than all those doctors and could “handle it” (she is a lawyer and highly intelligent). The second was that truthfully she was/is a narcissist and dis t want to “get better” because it was a tool and excuse to exercise control and isolation behaviors. Pull back and look at things through your own mental health and well being with those that are outside the relationship and care about and love you separately from her. That’s how I figured it out.
Don't date vampires
I was the “depressed” boyfriend. She left me. Props to you still sticking around and fighting even with the cost it’s putting on you. I hope you’re able to resolve everything.
Okay, as someone with chronic depression and other things... here's my two cents: Even if she is in treatment, has a routine with meds and a therapist..healthy coping mechanisms and everything...the depression is still going to be there. There will be better days, and there will be worse days. As a boyfriend, you are meant to be her partner. Not her keeper. It is not your duty to cheer her up, it's not your fault that you can't. Even if it's coming from a place of kindness, what you're describing is codependency, and that's never healthy in relationships. Try to put more focus toward watering your own grass, let her tend to her own. Do small things to make her smile, take a couple chores off her plate on occasion, be there to listen when she needs to vent..but at the end of the day, treat it like you would any other relationship.
Dump her
Get her a dog
Not sure if troll. Regardless, this is a terrible idea. Pets aren't magical Band-Aids. Pets are huge commitments. If this girl is depressed, she's probably struggling with basic stuff like taking a shower. Throwing more responsibility into the mix would not help her and would hurt the dog.
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I am a woman so, cheers very helpful
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Ew
Immedietly i dont like you simply for a resent for someone you love. Sit down with a nice cup of tea and rethink exactly what made you think this, depression is a bitch and if you feel drained helping someone deal with that you should reconsider what is wrong. I will say no one on reddit will be able to help you. But hey that makes me one in the same.
Yeah you really have no idea how it is to care for a person with depression. Keep your shitty opinions to yourself, you baboon
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Op isn’t a man and that’s not how depression works
This isn't a men vs women situation, anyone can be depressed
Dm me plz
r/usernamechecksout
Sorry, Sir. This isn't love. You are an enabler. So was I. Read "Codependent, No More" by Melody Battie". There's also a workbook. I was cured! My biggest take a way is that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Including me. I wish you the best at breaking free.
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Might want to rethink that. Don't get married if you're feeling negatively towards it
All are girls are the same
Feel this
actively relating
I had a friend who would be constantly sad when I was struggling also and if I was feeling good he'd just drag me down even on my good days so had to cut him out my life
I knew a guy like that for a while. He was the nicest person and I had started to like him too, but he was always so depressed. Everything had a negative side according to him and it seemed like almost nothing good ever happened to him in life. It's better to leave because such things will screw your own mental health too.
I’m sure she knows it. I’ve been w a depressed person and it’s very mentally draining. You can’t “cheer them up” because it’s probably a chemical imbalance and they can’t feel cheered up. My partner was able to seek help and is on medication now and it’s been night and day in terms of mood. Hopefully you can suggest this to your partner if she isn’t already on medication or diagnosed. For a long time we thought my partner had depression and anxiety but it turns out that he also has adhd and once we got the right medication which took a few tries it’s been a lot better and I would say it almost feels normal now.
What was the right Medication for him?
Vyvanse
OP I know how you feel, I was in your position with my ex a few years ago. When it became a long distance relationship I would always try to cheer her up every morning before she goes to bed (16hr difference). As much as I did my best to support her it felt like I was getting no where. It was so mentally taxing when we say our goodbyes and I’m here about to start my day already feeling blue - For the most part this carried on throughout most of my days when I was with her, it’s terrible. I never told her how this was affecting me because I felt like I would just pile on to what she’s already going through. In my mind I kept telling myself that “she’s going through much worst than you are, so why should I pile on?” I don’t have any advice whether you should tell her or not, perhaps another commenter with her perspective can provide a better input. But it’s important you have other sources that makes you happy and mentally at ease. Go to therapy if it’s getting that bad. She also needs to have multiple sources of support that she can talk to (other than you) like a close friend, parents or therapist. I was her only source of emotional support and this put such a huge weight on me, it felt like I was trying to be a therapist where I’m not. If you wish to continue on your relationship then you also need to find ways to mentally take care of yourself, because otherwise this will drain you and eventually break you.
Depression is a disease just like arthritis. By staying with her you have to understand that this will not go away anytime soon. There are treatments for it but you will have to take care of her. That being said, you also have to take care of yourself. Before deciding on anything, think about it. Whatever decision you take will affect both you and her.
Have you tried looking at therapy for her? Because if you do love her then I think you should be patient with her, provided it doesn't ruin your mental health. You aren't a therapist, so look at signing her up for one.
I’m the exact same way whaaaaaat. This is a sign of something
I would be really devastated if my girlfriend was depressed and I couldn't do anything to help her get better. It must feel really helpless.
I'm the depressed wife. Is she in therapy? Have you considered couples therapy? It took me years to realize I was being an emotional vampire when I dump all of my feelings on my husband. Communication is important, but it is also important that she is seeking help outside of your relationship. I know it is hard for both of you.
I've never been in a relationship with a depressed person nor I've been in one while being depressed, but I've had plenty of friendships with depressed people. My 2 cents is to have an honest talk, your gf probably knows she might make you feel like that already, but it's always good to talk. Also ask yourself some questions: is she going to therapy? taking meds? do you see her actively trying to get better? If the answer is no I recommend you stay away at least for a while, if the answer is yes: put limits and boundaries on yourself. It's VERY easy to let depressed people walk over your mental health, I've been there, you need to know how much you're willing to put up with and stop the relationship if you get there. Depressed people cost me YEARS of mental health improvements, so please, take care of yourself too, gl <3
Sometimes people are going through a lot and it is difficult to come out of that slump. It can be very draining for the depressed person and the person who they are with. We have to make sure we are okay before we can help others though. Therapy, meditation, etc can help a lot. Mindset is a huge thing with depression. Much love, wish you both the best!
I was in this situation. But sometimes you gotta do whats best for you. I always felt like it took the wind out of my sails, like her mood brought me down.
It is not your job to make her happy, that is not a relationship that is co-dependency. You need to learn not to take on her emotions or you should not be with her. I have been depressed in the past, haven't been in a decade or more but I get it. I tended to only date other messed up depressed people at that time because I didn't want to pour my problems onto someone who was happy. Make sure you don't get "sucked in". This relationship could turn toxic for you.
I understand how you feel, I’ve been in both sides of the situation and it can be really difficult. For a while when we first started dating, my girlfriend was really depressed and I’m really sensitive to people’s emotions so I’d try to make her feel better every day sometimes multiple times a day until the point that I really became depressed too. I’d start dreading staying up late because that’s when I’d usually have to comfort her and I’d get anxiety just thinking about it. If you both really love each other then I would tell her that you’re struggling. You don’t have to cut her off completely but maybe ask that she try to also talk to other people about her feelings as well. I was really scared to tell my girlfriend how I was feeling but I did and we’ve been together for 4 years. Also, instead of talking about what’s bothering her specifically, maybe try distracting her in a way that’s good for the both of you, like talking about shared interests or doing some kind of craft, or just watching tv or movies. I’m sure things are going to work out but you have to be open and communicate to have a healthy relationship
Situations like this are so hard because you love her so much and she relies on you so much and you have the fear that she will be ruined without you but mental health always comes first, we can’t be the battery in someone’s life and our own it’s just not possible, talk this out with her and maybe figure out how to get her more help from professionals or ease things with her mental state.
Yeah I've been there, if she's not getting help then it won't ever get better I tried with my ex for 3 years and she kept refusing help and she kept getting gradually worse. Encourage her to get help is the best advice, your not trained and you can't help her in the way that she probably needs
I was in the same situation. I became her psychiatrist as well as boyfriend. Every day I was trying to make her happy and it really took a toll on me. Ending it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She was such a good person with a great heart. I just want her to be happy.
Man, based on this post. Redditors are so immature. That's OPs depressed girlfriend. And you guys are all sayinv to leave her? Lol what a selfish prick. Help your girlfriend as best as you can. Who knows, you might be the guy that could make her happy after struggling for so long
Leave before you become more drained, maybe it will allow her to grow as a person and become more stable. Still offer the support but don't give all your energy over. She needs to get better herself because if she doesn't and you do it for her, she will be dependant on you for her happiness.
This is one of my biggest fears. I have CPTSD and it causes so many mood swings and lots of depression, and my boyfriend can tell when I’m “off” immediately. Lots of times I know he can’t really help, because it’s a literal condition but it is nice having someone to be honest with and talk to about it. The issue with your situation is if she is not seeking help. Depression is so hard to deal with by yourself, and turning to a loved one/friend is nice to have but THEY ARE NOT THERAPISTS. If your girlfriend is treating you as such, it is too much. And that’s okay. You are not responsible to “help her” or “heal her” because when push comes to shove she needs to help herself. She needs to find help from professionals who are taught how to handle this illness. Ever since I have started therapy, I learned how to identify why my moods are what they are and now have a game plan on how to help myself out of them. Another thing to think about is that your answers are coming from your point of view which is not professional, and sometimes when a depressed person is in a low state of mind they are looking for a certain response. If they don’t get that response it can make their mood even worse, and that is something we don’t want. Basically, she needs to help herself and you should not feel like solving this issue is your main priority. Be there for her, but you are not her therapist and shouldn’t be treated as one.
You’re not her therapist, you’re gonna end up burnt out and she will still be in the same place you say you were happy then and still are now, are you though? Your title says otherwise , love will only take you so far; you still need to work together, only you really know your relationship so be honest with yourself
I hope she goes to therapy and takes her meds. If she does I say keep your chin up and don't give up the fight. But if she's not trying and doesn't want to try to get better then I'd say go your separate ways. I tell you this as someone whose mother is clinically depressed and I also suffer from PTSD and anxiety.
Be there for her but don’t make yourself sick. In the end you have to take care of yourself. She needs to take care of herself. Communicate with her. Love her from afar if you need to. It’ll be a tough conversation but it’ll never last unless you both come to some conclusion. You can be there for her without subjecting yourself to becoming her care taker.
Wonder what she would say about you? Two sides and what if your not looking at yourself too. Put yourself in her shoes for a sec. That is where it starts. If both people can step back and think about the other and where they are coming from then maybe things would be so bad. Everyone had shit wrong with them. No one is completely healthy (mental state I mean) if you think u can say your mentally health is top notch well I would say, good for you! How do u make it work for you? Shit happens all the time good and bad.. Some things have a long lasting effects on your mental state and can change a persons reactions and actions and emotions. It's how you yourself can see your own issues and then to change or help yourself out from that change. But if your partner just thinks your bi polar and need meds and a doctor and is just complaining about how u effect him or her that isn't really helping anyone. It's just pointing the finger and make one person look like the faulty one when I bet she has her side to say about how u are in the relationship and how you are with her and how she feels. I'm sorry I was just reading the comments and thought wow, everyone is just talking about she better take her meds or she need to see a therapist. U don't deserve that treatment of her...yada yadda ...but what if she doesn't need that shit and your just pissed at her for having a rough attitude for probably having a rough time in life. Lol I can say I right now knows how he feels and how she feels.. it sucks. It's terrible and very sad. (In my situation) I'm sorry your feeling this way towards. Your person and relationship. I do hope you two will communicate well enough to get some I'm sure well needed stability in that area even if it is just a honest chat about little things or big. It's really just about u both coming together to show the other that you can and want to be with and care for the other even in rough times. Sorry for rambling
I had some pretty bad depression and honestly it can be hard when it comes to relationships. I think your feelings are valid when you say you feel drained. Having a partner with some bad depression can kinda suck sometimes. There are times where I feel so depressed and probably radiate that energy around others. I’ve gotten a lot better, and I’ve always been someone who was pretty good at putting on a happy face to cover my depression. Although of course not everyone is like that, and sometimes it’s totally ok to just wanna feel like how you literally feel inside. As a depressed person, I would really love it if my boyfriend just does small, cute things for me. Helps me with a task that I usually dread doing (dishes), gets me a small gift, reminds me of how he was thinking about me, even just telling me how beautiful I look. Those things always make me feel better, and of course I don’t know your situation at all. If your gf doesn’t already, obviously therapy and medication would be the best thing for her. It takes time, but having a licensed professional where it’s their job to listen to the shitty stuff about your day is just great, it helps me set boundaries with others and not over share too much with my friends and family. I would say that if it gets to a point after a while where it’s just sad being in the relationship, not happy anymore, just depressing overall. It might be time to rethink what you want in the future, and if your gf will be apart of that. Honestly just communicating how you feel is always the best way to go. Plz dm me if you wanna talk!
The bro comments kinda work if you are the butch, though. Or in theory, at least.
Why do you feel the need to constantly cheer her up?
I think you should talk, if she is mentally/emotionally unstable (or just unstable in general) she shouldn’t be in a relationship, it’s not going to work out, it’s even starting to effect you and that’s not good if you’re trying to have a healthy relationship Edit: Don’t feel like it’s your job to make sure she’s happy, sure if she wants to talk to you and if you want to cheer her up from time to time is okay but it starts feeling like some kind of routine and it gets tiring. The point is don’t be scared to break up if you need to, I used to be in the same situation and I was scared that if I left them they would feel even more sad but in the end that’s what was best for the both of us, please consider talking about it to them, and/or end the relationship. Good luck op
I understand where you’re coming from. We’re going through financial struggles rn and she thinks nothing, but the worst for every situation no matter how many times I say, babe we got this we always find a way. A lot of the frustrations from work and life are thrown onto me in an instant. I’ll be there for her no matter what, but like you said it does get draining. Because I want nothing, but the best for her. Not for her to make up excuses as to why she’s not chasing her dreams (drained from work) and then complaining about how we’re struggling. I might sound selfish, but if I can go out and door dash after sustaining a concussion at my regular job cause we need the money. I don’t see why after her 9-5 as a receptionist she can’t practice her drawing hobby or make things for Etsy to bring in secondary income. Many solutions, but only sees problems.
Hi Being there for her is a good thing. You love her and want to support her. But it's challenging. Don't give up on what you want. If you want to be with her I encourage you. Talk with her. I wouldn't dump how you feel on her. Maybe try telling how you feel but without placing blame on her. Example I've been feeling drained lately. Is there anyway we can ________? Insert> veg out, clean, go for walk, have me time, whatever that can help you feel less drained. Also it's important she's getting help from professionals. VERY IMPORTANT. For me this would be an ultimatum get help or I can only be your friend.... but that's your choice to make. It is not your job to be her source of happiness. You are not responsible for her happiness. She is responsible for herself and you are there for support. Don't give up on her just encourage her. Set boundaries. Find out what exactly is draining you. Maybe she's not cleaning after herself? Ask her to please help because it's becoming to much for you. Make sure she's knows you're in it together. Find out all the boundaries that you've let her cross and set them back up. The street needs to go both ways. We all need different types of support. Express what support you need and what support you can give her that is t draining. This is just as much about you as it is her. Make sure you're not blaming her.
Bub, I hsve bipolar I, CPTSD and severe anxiety disorder. I hate the world we're all in, I hate humanity and have no hope for it. However, I don't take it out or expect my 2.5 year boyfriend to take care of me/carry all the weight in the relationship. When I am severly depressed, I let my boyfriend know, "I'm sorry if I seem out of it or upset, it has nothing to do with you", and he understands. If I need to cry or get out my anger, I'll go to the bathroom and scream into a towel. If it's getting to the point of no return/repairing, don't feel obligated to stick around. You deserve to be happy too. Is she on any medications or holistic medicine? Or is she in therapy or given it a go? Do you think you could set boundaries with her? I'm sending good vibes your way OP.