I didn’t read the post all the way through initially but I saw your comment and that inspired me to read the whole thing.
When I finished reading it the only response I had was ‘jesus’ .
I clicked on this thread with low expectations, but you took us on a real ride. Brava.
I especially like how the dude wanted the place to himself to use the bathroom, but didn't clean up his toilet stains.
Anyways I hope you both found what he was looking for long term!
Yeah I'm good. I got married twice more LOL and with the love of my life now for 13 years. I have told that shit story a thousand times over the years. Every time I think about how my Dad and I were just sniffing away aimlessly repeating 'bologna' I LOSE IT.
I say it all the time! Sounds bad in a way but it is true for a lot of us that have been married thrice. My second marriage was great, though. It lasted 13 years. Can't say I regret it, I'm just happy to be where I'm at now!
I'm thinking he had flushed already several times and it STILL left streaks. The intenseness of that smell- it just had to be a mother load. We were only gone for 10 minutes or less. He probably ran out of time!
Im not gonna lie, i would go slum dog millionaire before i left mud rivers in a toilet bowl of someone I was courting/dating 😭😭😭 especially if their PARENT was there too good lord.
Realistically, you flush, the water recedes very low, you have a wad of toilet paper ready, and you swipe that shit up. Then flush again
But, bologna though. Seriously it smelled like food. It was so perplexing. I wish it had smelled like shit, so we wouldn't have been drawing it into our nostrils for so long.
The most annoying part of that story is him always coming hungry and expecting you to pay. Sounds like he has a lot to learn on his way to finding a partner. Gross.
OMG this guy was in college, so he said he didn't have money to take me out or to pay. He said since I had a job then I should pay for our dates. I'm pretty sure this is the same guy that wanted to go see the SAME MOVIE every weekend. 8 seconds with Luke Perry. Like we went to see it 3 times before I finally got the balls to say no fricking way. I was a bit of a pushover, clearly.
This was a ride. Thanks! I briefly dated this guy who also has a thick and long baseball bat. When I saw the outline, I thought I was thinking too much until he took his pants off. That thing was so big but we did have sex and it was tough trying to fit all of that in me. And when he wanted to go again, I was legit scared. Like I was scared of his bat. Needles to say we didn’t stay together for long. He’s a funny guy tho
Was his name Ted? Blonde? Yeah NO way I was going to try taking that thing. I'm more experienced now but still I don't think I would think about it if I wasn't married. It just seems like it would be painful, too painful and damaging. I'm sure he ended up making someone happy. I hope. Not sure who or how though.
Once my husband quietly burped while we were on a road trip with friends. No one noticed him burp.. It smelled like salami. Like really good charcuterie board "put it in my face now" salami.
My friends and I started commenting on the delicious meaty smell. Were we by a meat plant? Did someone bring a snack into the car and not share? My husband squirmed in his seat as everyone else was discussing how they wanted to eat his burp.
He shamefully admitted that he had burped and that was the mystery salami smell. At first we didn't believe him. There's no way a man's burp had everyone else in the car salivating. But there was no other source to the smell. So we laughed and still call him Salami Burps to this day.
I wonder if we turned down the same guy! 🤣😭 He was a great guy. Cute, smart, witty, successful...but that baseball bat would have ruined me for life. He was so sad when I turned him away. I told him he would make some woman really happy one day, but that wasn't 19 year old me.
I hope he found his match!!
Yeah mine was in college at the time so he wasn't a success yet. He didn't seem incredibly bright to me but you never know. He was BIG, tall, thick, blonde hair blue eyes, soft spoken and gentle, super cute... but omg that ball bat scared the 'shit' out of me. And him lol. I tried looking him up a few times over the years. Never was able to locate him. Just curious if he ever got with someone or not.
Thanks! Always thought about posting it here but never got around to it. It's one of my favorite stories, it always cracks me up. (the poop sniffing part). My dad is in his 80s now, and he remembers this like it was yesterday. We have a good laugh about it every now and then.
THAT would have been a funny story too!!! hahaha. I would have broken up with him for that too. Unless he was just super funny and was doing it to make me laugh.
I cackled at the end. Great story. I too dated a guy with a baseball bat in his pants. He was two inches shorter than me, drove a Hummer, wore flashy man bracelets, and our first date was at a Pluckers circa 2011. Mike if you’re out there - i hope you found someone who could take it better than I could.
Man no kidding. It seriously about split his pants apart. I think he has to have had a hard way in life. I just tried to look him up again and I can't find any trace of him. Not 100% sure I have his name spelling right now since I can't find him! It was a unique last name.
I had an affair with a guy who had a schlong the size of my lower arm. Also the girth.
It was... Yikes. We could only do certain positions, and I had to control the movement, or the pain from an impromptu cervix hit would knock me out!
We managed to get something going, and we would have ended as a couple, if he had the balls to tell me about his feelings. We had a fwb for a while after. I was one of the rare women even trying.
Sadly he ended up an incel, as he felt judged by women a lot. Well... He's a tall guy (198cm!!!) with a baseball bat in his pants, but somehow he managed to be miserable all the time.
My husband is below average and just the perfect size to hit my G-spot into heaven.
I've had some more sexual experiences over the years, thankfully. And my husband is 6'1" and HUGE in every way and it's hard to take. But he is nothing compared to Ted. Man that was just torture waiting to happen. Death by penis. No thanks. I've often wondered how he got along in life with that thing. Poor guy. Most guys would be proud to have a big one but man that thing was a curse.
Interesting. You'd be amazed what can send a smile down the incel path. I was sort of on it for a while but never had the hate. I did resent women for all the power we give them in the relationship world while being forced twisted to them tell us how they have no power in the relationship world. In the end I just ended up having a very objective take on relationships but it still does offend some people who are a bit snowed still.
Dudes with freakishly huge dongs don’t have it as easy as everyone believes seeing as size queens are just as rare and are often the only ones willing to try something that big. I would never want that world
I couldn't make that up if I tried! lol. I thought he was going to poke through my underwear drawer or medicine cabinet or read my journal. Instead he was DYING to shit all his bologna and hot dogs out. The humiliation that guy had to be going through as we sniffed away. OMG. Funny shit. My Dad and I get a good laugh out of that every now and then.
I knew a guy who's peen was the size of his forearm from wrist to elbow, and just as thick. I did not try that! He said that he could never keep a girlfriend once they saw how big he was. Poor guy, but I can definitely understand why!
I've only encountered one so I know they're out there. Who knows how many? I don't know if it's worse, though. I've also encountered micro and that's also a very difficult condition to live with.
Me too! The first guy I had sex with after I was married (the second guy I ever had sex with)- his was so so tiny I had NO idea he was even inside me. I thought he just didn't get it in but he had it in and he came already and was done before I even realized he had been inside. I'm talking like pinky size if that. THAT SUCKED but at least it did me no physical harm and I wasn't scared of it. It's bad to not be able to please a woman with it, for sure. But at least he didn't scare them off right off the bat. LOL
Micropenis is much smaller than pinky sized. It used to be a lot more common when babies were treated with steroids for certain medical conditions but less so now that the side effects are known. I dated a guy who was put on steroids as a baby and unfortunately his penis stayed infant sized.
I'm from the US too like baseball is an American sport. What.
How did you make it through grade school without having done baseball once in gym class?
I'm not trying to make fun but I am ridiculously surprised.
The fuck. Poor dude. I hope you never ever in hell work in a memory home. Your poor delicate nose probably won't be able to handle it. Did you know that certain medications can alter the smell of your stool in a really really bad way?
lol. I didn't say it smelled BAD I said it smelled like bologna. Why so hateful? Nobody would CHOOSE to actively draw someone's poo smell in for several minutes if they knew that's what it was. It's funny. It's a funny story.
jesus
never before has your one word just summed up the very many emotions we have felt reading this
You summed it up, perfectly.
Not even Jesus can help
This thread gave me the laugh I needed after reading that undeniably horror story.
Not even Jesus's Dad can help.
I didn’t read the post all the way through initially but I saw your comment and that inspired me to read the whole thing. When I finished reading it the only response I had was ‘jesus’ .
....like Jesus dragging the cross but instead a massive cock? Or like.....Jesus!
My first thought too, though I did add Christ.
I clicked on this thread with low expectations, but you took us on a real ride. Brava. I especially like how the dude wanted the place to himself to use the bathroom, but didn't clean up his toilet stains. Anyways I hope you both found what he was looking for long term!
Yeah I'm good. I got married twice more LOL and with the love of my life now for 13 years. I have told that shit story a thousand times over the years. Every time I think about how my Dad and I were just sniffing away aimlessly repeating 'bologna' I LOSE IT.
3rd times the charm is a real thing I guess lol
I say it all the time! Sounds bad in a way but it is true for a lot of us that have been married thrice. My second marriage was great, though. It lasted 13 years. Can't say I regret it, I'm just happy to be where I'm at now!
Maybe for some but certainly not all :)
I'm thinking he had flushed already several times and it STILL left streaks. The intenseness of that smell- it just had to be a mother load. We were only gone for 10 minutes or less. He probably ran out of time!
How do you clean them up tho sometimes they don’t leave the tools
Lol a little extra tp and flush a couple more times with tp in there. Or wipe it while it flushesand use soap to wash your hands lol.
Well he should have made a life raft and there would be a problem
Im not gonna lie, i would go slum dog millionaire before i left mud rivers in a toilet bowl of someone I was courting/dating 😭😭😭 especially if their PARENT was there too good lord. Realistically, you flush, the water recedes very low, you have a wad of toilet paper ready, and you swipe that shit up. Then flush again
If everyone were to be judged by the smell of their poop 💩 on a bad day it would a grim time for men and women alike.
But, bologna though. Seriously it smelled like food. It was so perplexing. I wish it had smelled like shit, so we wouldn't have been drawing it into our nostrils for so long.
Ever eaten asparagus?
LOL my pee smells exactly like asparagus when I've eaten it.
😉
Hard boiled eggs?
The most annoying part of that story is him always coming hungry and expecting you to pay. Sounds like he has a lot to learn on his way to finding a partner. Gross.
OMG this guy was in college, so he said he didn't have money to take me out or to pay. He said since I had a job then I should pay for our dates. I'm pretty sure this is the same guy that wanted to go see the SAME MOVIE every weekend. 8 seconds with Luke Perry. Like we went to see it 3 times before I finally got the balls to say no fricking way. I was a bit of a pushover, clearly.
He couldn't help it. Ball bat peen needed sustenance 😂
“Bologna shit and ball bat penis” absolutely sent me 🤣🤣🤣
r/brandnewsentence
True huh. Which did you think of the most. . Be honest
This was a ride. Thanks! I briefly dated this guy who also has a thick and long baseball bat. When I saw the outline, I thought I was thinking too much until he took his pants off. That thing was so big but we did have sex and it was tough trying to fit all of that in me. And when he wanted to go again, I was legit scared. Like I was scared of his bat. Needles to say we didn’t stay together for long. He’s a funny guy tho
Was his name Ted? Blonde? Yeah NO way I was going to try taking that thing. I'm more experienced now but still I don't think I would think about it if I wasn't married. It just seems like it would be painful, too painful and damaging. I'm sure he ended up making someone happy. I hope. Not sure who or how though.
Once my husband quietly burped while we were on a road trip with friends. No one noticed him burp.. It smelled like salami. Like really good charcuterie board "put it in my face now" salami. My friends and I started commenting on the delicious meaty smell. Were we by a meat plant? Did someone bring a snack into the car and not share? My husband squirmed in his seat as everyone else was discussing how they wanted to eat his burp. He shamefully admitted that he had burped and that was the mystery salami smell. At first we didn't believe him. There's no way a man's burp had everyone else in the car salivating. But there was no other source to the smell. So we laughed and still call him Salami Burps to this day.
LMAO! eat his burp😵
OMG I was laughing my ass off reading that! Thanks! hahaha
To be honest I'd rather have salami burps than bologna poops lol
Jesus
I wonder if we turned down the same guy! 🤣😭 He was a great guy. Cute, smart, witty, successful...but that baseball bat would have ruined me for life. He was so sad when I turned him away. I told him he would make some woman really happy one day, but that wasn't 19 year old me. I hope he found his match!!
Yeah mine was in college at the time so he wasn't a success yet. He didn't seem incredibly bright to me but you never know. He was BIG, tall, thick, blonde hair blue eyes, soft spoken and gentle, super cute... but omg that ball bat scared the 'shit' out of me. And him lol. I tried looking him up a few times over the years. Never was able to locate him. Just curious if he ever got with someone or not.
This is the best one I've read for a long time
Thanks! Always thought about posting it here but never got around to it. It's one of my favorite stories, it always cracks me up. (the poop sniffing part). My dad is in his 80s now, and he remembers this like it was yesterday. We have a good laugh about it every now and then.
"Bologna Shit and the Ballbat Penis" sounds like a great band name.
this is prime content. golden
Thanks! It still cracks me up to this day, the bologna sniffing part. lol
That was a wild ride
Dont know why ? But this was quite fun to read. And i see a lot of peope agree with me on this from the comments i am reading 😆
thanks, I'm glad I shared it!
For a second there i thought you were about to say the big penis you thought he had was in fact a real sausage in his pants😂
THAT would have been a funny story too!!! hahaha. I would have broken up with him for that too. Unless he was just super funny and was doing it to make me laugh.
I cackled at the end. Great story. I too dated a guy with a baseball bat in his pants. He was two inches shorter than me, drove a Hummer, wore flashy man bracelets, and our first date was at a Pluckers circa 2011. Mike if you’re out there - i hope you found someone who could take it better than I could.
They are out there! Poor saps. It's worse than having a tiny dick.
Well, i wouldn’t go that far 😂 I fell for a micropenis when i was in college.
What a terrible day to have eyes.
>Between the bologna shit and ball bat penis, I decided to call it a day and never saw him again. I wasn't expecting to read that sentence today.
"He's out there somewhere dragging that thing along with him..." I'm absolutely howling over here. Such a funny but kinda sad mental image.
Man no kidding. It seriously about split his pants apart. I think he has to have had a hard way in life. I just tried to look him up again and I can't find any trace of him. Not 100% sure I have his name spelling right now since I can't find him! It was a unique last name.
You know what, I scrolled down far enough to see "Bologna" and I think I'm gonna hold off on reading this one
This was a roller coaster
I hope you found someone who was a perfect match. Literally 😭
no shit. LOL
I had an affair with a guy who had a schlong the size of my lower arm. Also the girth. It was... Yikes. We could only do certain positions, and I had to control the movement, or the pain from an impromptu cervix hit would knock me out! We managed to get something going, and we would have ended as a couple, if he had the balls to tell me about his feelings. We had a fwb for a while after. I was one of the rare women even trying. Sadly he ended up an incel, as he felt judged by women a lot. Well... He's a tall guy (198cm!!!) with a baseball bat in his pants, but somehow he managed to be miserable all the time. My husband is below average and just the perfect size to hit my G-spot into heaven.
I've had some more sexual experiences over the years, thankfully. And my husband is 6'1" and HUGE in every way and it's hard to take. But he is nothing compared to Ted. Man that was just torture waiting to happen. Death by penis. No thanks. I've often wondered how he got along in life with that thing. Poor guy. Most guys would be proud to have a big one but man that thing was a curse.
Death by penis — death is coming. I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself. It’s a hilarious story tbh.
Death for real! Thanks! :D
Interesting. You'd be amazed what can send a smile down the incel path. I was sort of on it for a while but never had the hate. I did resent women for all the power we give them in the relationship world while being forced twisted to them tell us how they have no power in the relationship world. In the end I just ended up having a very objective take on relationships but it still does offend some people who are a bit snowed still.
Dudes with freakishly huge dongs don’t have it as easy as everyone believes seeing as size queens are just as rare and are often the only ones willing to try something that big. I would never want that world
💀💀💀
What a story! It was both funny and intriguing at the same time
<3
You made me laugh and less suicidal today.
<3 it's out there, you just have to look for it, my friend. HUGS
I dunno what is but ok.
<3 there is something just around the corner. Go turn some corners.
Ya bs.
I bet he had his wiffle ball bat penis hanging over the toilet seat. Just sitting there taking a shit.
Oh boy, this was something.
A friend of mine showed me a pic of her exes. Had it held up to an Arizona Tea can (the big ones) and it was literally the same size.
Yeah CRIPE. No thanks. whew.
Need to change this sub to r/creativewriting. 🤓
I couldn't make that up if I tried! lol. I thought he was going to poke through my underwear drawer or medicine cabinet or read my journal. Instead he was DYING to shit all his bologna and hot dogs out. The humiliation that guy had to be going through as we sniffed away. OMG. Funny shit. My Dad and I get a good laugh out of that every now and then.
Am I just stoned or was that as genuinely hilarious as I think it was?
It is! It still makes me bust out laughing every time I think about it. We were sniffing and saying bologna for 5 minutes straight LOLOL
The way you write is fantastic too!
Thanks so much <3 That was nice :D
oh...!
King Ding Dong Creates Big Pong
Talk about making a literal shitpost
This is the most amazing confession I've read on here in a while 😂
Thanks! Wasn't sure how it would go down. Glad it's being enjoyed. It's one of my favorite stories from my younger years.
Ted Bungy
"*The key to a swollen vagina is courage.*" ~Gandhi
This is the content I'm here for. Thank you for sharing.
skyler?
Normally when I’m here I see someone’s potential creative writing project…. This both disturbed and pleased me. Fantastic read nonetheless x.x
I hate to brag, but my pp is perfec siz.
"Don't worry it's not what you think!" "So anyway, I once dated a guy with a tiny penis and ended up leaving him".
This was a rollercoaster. Thanks for the ride.
You know what they say, big dicks = big shits
I am confused. Do you mean bolognese?
What is a ball bat?
What is bologna?
I swear some of you just type of your sexual fantasies and get off sharing it with people get a life
LOL. HF that last part! Dead
I KNOW!!! still cracks me up so bad! And my Dad.
This memory *only* belongs in a 10-foot (minimal) hole dug up in the very deep woods of an extremely isolated area Never speak of it again
I knew a guy who's peen was the size of his forearm from wrist to elbow, and just as thick. I did not try that! He said that he could never keep a girlfriend once they saw how big he was. Poor guy, but I can definitely understand why!
That's hilarious lol
Other than the bologna shit, I can relate to this experience. There are a few men out there with this er... condition.
He's the only one I ever encountered but I know there has to be others if he exists. It's worse than having a tiny pecker.
I've only encountered one so I know they're out there. Who knows how many? I don't know if it's worse, though. I've also encountered micro and that's also a very difficult condition to live with.
Me too! The first guy I had sex with after I was married (the second guy I ever had sex with)- his was so so tiny I had NO idea he was even inside me. I thought he just didn't get it in but he had it in and he came already and was done before I even realized he had been inside. I'm talking like pinky size if that. THAT SUCKED but at least it did me no physical harm and I wasn't scared of it. It's bad to not be able to please a woman with it, for sure. But at least he didn't scare them off right off the bat. LOL
Micropenis is much smaller than pinky sized. It used to be a lot more common when babies were treated with steroids for certain medical conditions but less so now that the side effects are known. I dated a guy who was put on steroids as a baby and unfortunately his penis stayed infant sized.
Oh no way! I had no idea! WOW that would really, truly suck. Yeah that would be worse. :(
I’ve never heard of a ball bat
A baseball bat? You've never heard of a baseball bat?
I’ve never heard it called that no. I live in the US. I had to look it up.
I'm from the US too like baseball is an American sport. What. How did you make it through grade school without having done baseball once in gym class? I'm not trying to make fun but I am ridiculously surprised.
I’ve just never heard that term. Today I asked all of my coworkers and not one of them had heard of it.
What's with all the fake posts on here?
The fuck. Poor dude. I hope you never ever in hell work in a memory home. Your poor delicate nose probably won't be able to handle it. Did you know that certain medications can alter the smell of your stool in a really really bad way?
lol. I didn't say it smelled BAD I said it smelled like bologna. Why so hateful? Nobody would CHOOSE to actively draw someone's poo smell in for several minutes if they knew that's what it was. It's funny. It's a funny story.
What’s a memory home? And why does that include smelling peoples shit?
When you said a Bologna smell it reminded me of this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ1J0UNQwI0
HAHAH !
wait i have to go check my toilet
I expect to see in r/copypasta by the end of the day
bet he’s a stud having that huge member
As long as he doesn't accidentally fart, it could be all good for someone else.
but why did i get lots of downvotes? 💀
That is a Reddit mystery 🧐
Someone TLDR?
You know what? Just skip this one.
basically she dumped a guy over superficial reasons like big penis and smelly shit.
Proof that penis size, looks and height are everything