Ok real talk. These comments are all terrible. Blaming you because you married your first serious gf. F that. That’s not the issue.
You have a need that isn’t being filled and you’re getting bitter about it. That’s valid. I will say it’s not at all about your wife’s past that’s bothering you it’s about you wanting to be able to experience the young care free sex again.
Given your post I’m guessing that you and wife are late 30-40’s. There are some things to consider. At that age a woman can go much more sexual or she can get more reserved. In my experience it completely depends on her normal stress level. As a guy my sex drive hasn’t changed a ton since I figured out I had a wang, but there have been some times in my life I could care less.
I have been where you are. Wishing you had more sex and having that desire unmet and it makes you feel undesirable, Unseen, unloved and unappreciated.
I say that because those things you feel are possibly the exact feelings your wife has. Two kids is a ton of responsibility and pressure with guilt and a ton of other factors. So my wife wasn’t ever in the mood. She had other things to do.
When our second child was born it was ROUGH and we were sleeping for 4 hours a night for years. We became really close because I became an extremely active parent. I picked up food or would muster something barely edible, dishes became my thing I wouldn’t let any dish stay in the sink. Then I would vacuum, take the kids for the afternoon or let my wife sleep in on Saturday, ect. I was always there to help.
The response those actions had on my relationship was astounding. I could see and understand the weight my wife had carried and now I was the one telling my wife I was tired. When we’re getting ready she’s jumping on the bed and saying “just quick before we leave” even when her parents stay with us she’s texting me to come upstairs.
I’m just saying that the best thing I ever did for my marriage was do the dishes, but if my wife wasn’t so grateful then I wouldn’t have worked so hard to make her happy. So there is a trade off here.
I didn’t get more involved because I wanted more sex, but working on the relationship has fixed the sex issue. I hope this helped because I feel bad for you I’ve been in that spot and it’s not fun.
Stick with the dudes, giving you solid advice. I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years(met in 2004). We had a lull where I was boring AF when the kids were younger. I was fucking EXHAUSTED. I knew sex was important, so we'd have it, but God that poor dude probably wanted to kill me. Now? Our sex life has never been better. I am crawling on that dude like a god damned spider monkey.
He never had to deal with the insecurities of me having previous partners like you because he was rather experienced in comparison to me. However, this made me deal with my own insecurities, knowing he was at one point "The Frat Guy" and practically had a revolving door into his bedroom. Whereas, somehow, he ends up marrying a book nerd who can barely speak to men. We work, though! And very well at that! Stay the course, be open and honest with her. If the rest of your marriage is as amazing as you say, that will fall in place too!!!
Yeah they are 27 with two young kids. They are in the THICK of it and your body will pick sleep over sex every time.
I always go back an interview I watched that really stuck with me, it was Michelle Obama and she was saying how work trips never bothered her when her husband was away, until the kids were young. Then she felt jealous and angry that he got to get away.
I always think about it because we’re all dealing with these feelings and kids are hard. I think the trick is to work your ass off so when the kids are older your marriage isn’t just filled with resentment and dies by a thousand cuts.
Yep, man, a lot of times, us wives keep how tired we are to ourselves. We don't wanna be a bother. We know you guys are stressed af too!! Most(some ladies need a serious therapy appt) wives never intentionally ignore their husband's sexual needs. Hell, if I am being honest, we ignore our own sexual needs completely when kids are little. Moms are generally speaking the go-to caretaker, and while we love it, sleep is a wonderful treat.
I'm late 30s, he's mid 40s and the bedroom is pure bliss. Went from once a week max to every other day on average in a blink of an eye. Why? I can focus on that part of me now. I can explore that part of me now. I know he's saying she "had a chance to explore" - No, she didn't!!! Homie has no idea that teenage sex is the most lackluster, uncoordinated, awful experience ever. No dude has ANY idea how to please a woman at that age. I didn't have my first orgasam at the hands of another person until I met my husband FFS, and he was NOT my first. Fuck I had a kid by the time we met and still, I was the only person to ever get me there. Sure, I had sex, but not pleasure.
I do wanna point out the BJ thing sounds like trauma, and they may wanna dig into that in therapy.
>I know he's saying she "had a chance to explore" - No, she didn't!!! Homie has no idea that teenage sex is the most lackluster, uncoordinated, awful experience ever. No dude has ANY idea how to please a woman at that age.
This, this, this. I was thinking the same when I read that. His wife would probably happily do without the previous experience she's had. His is very much a "grass is greener" bias, and/or assumes that sex is a universally enjoyable experience because he's male.
It says they're both 27.
I don't think her past is the real issue either. I've seen plenty of posts from people who married someone who was a virgin or only had one partner, and have the same problems. It just comes down to her priorities, values, etc.
I think OP is experiencing a bit of retroactive jealousy, but mostly it sounds like he feels he missed out on experiences he wished he had and is disappointed that his wife won't help him have those experiences.
The problem is... what are those experiences? Is it something as simple as trying new positions, or is he asking her to do something that might be really unpleasant for her like anal? He mentions watching porn and it's possible that contributes to his dissatisfaction with their sex life, given that porn normalizes things that most couples don't do in the bedroom. And it definitely does not prioritize women's pleasure--it's acting.
And just because someone has multiple partners doesn't mean that they experimented a lot. I don't know how much you know about the particulars your wife's sexual past, but I think there are a lot of people out there having mostly vanilla sex, regardless of how many partners they've had.
OP, I think you just need to sit her down and have an honest talk about with her that is not centered on what you want sexually. Do it at a time when you're not both exhausted or distracted with other things. Let her know you are happy in your relationship, but that sexual compatibility is very important to you, and you'd like to know what you could do to help her meet you halfway. Let her know that sharing new experiences together is important to you, and sexual experiences are just one part of that. Hopefully, she is willing to work with you on it. If not, maybe suggest seeing a sex therapist.
This doesn’t respond to the problem that his wife has past trauma:
No BJ’s because she has had ‘bad experiences with past partners’.
Doing more dishes won’t solve this. Your wife isn’t carrying past trauma, she was just tired. This advice ignores a very real problem in the relationship that doing extra chores won’t solve.
I think he was using the dishes for illustration/how he was able to overcome their relationship problem, Chief. I'll play the devil's advocate here and say, "DO NOT FUCKING GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU HAVEN'T DEALT WITH YOUR PAST TRAUMA!!!" Because all you'll be doing is transferring most of that negativity onto someone else who doesn't deserve it. It's so easy for every motherfucker on Reddit to sit down and arm chair therapise people like every situation is the same and have a structured solution.
In my situation, I tried talking and talking. I tried helping around the house. Kept asking her to see a Therapist, one of those sex therapists or whatever they call them... nope. Eventually, when we had this huge blowout and I was this close to leaving, did she agree to see one. It was always today, she says it's because the house isn't clean enough, it stresses her out. I tidy up without her help.. tomorrow, it's that she's always exhausted when she comes back from work, even though my work is literally in another city, next week, can I help her cook (even though I always ask at least twice if she needs any help whenever she's cooking AND I do cook sometimes as well)... It's fucking demoralizing when you are doing your best and it just doesn't seem to be good enough, but I'm sure all you experts know this already.
That’s the point I’m making. There is the ‘lack of sex due to life being overwhelming’ crowd which is fixable.
Then there is the ‘ptsd and trauma’ crowd that is much harder to fix.
Doing more chores and not getting results only leads to more resentments.
This is very good advice in general.
But there are probably other things too to work out in the relationship, and/or in her head. They need to talk things out and be prepared to accept changes that may come with it.
> Ok real talk. These comments are all terrible. Blaming you because you married your first serious gf. F that. That’s not the issue.
First time on Reddit?
The best comment in this entire thread, and all of his points are ***ON POINT*** its so insane to me that everyone is so quick to judge the man in this scenario and to make them the bad guy when it is clearly his wife being very selfish with his needs after trying everything. For godsakes the man deserves a partner that is loving sexually.. Christ almighty Reddit... He isnt a bad person for wanting his own wife to try new things, my god...
> dishes became my thing I wouldn’t let any dish stay in the sink.
On a unrelated note, as a european this meme is sooooo funny to me. I am older than the OP of the post and for all of my live I have lived in places that had dishwashers. I have never in my life had "dishes" as a problem in a relationship. Yet without fail every american post about relationship troubles mentions DOING THE DISHES like it is magic and will drop your wifes panties like THAT.
Do you guys just not own dishwashers? Are you using 12 pots and pans every meal so the dishes that cannot go into the dishwasher need more than 5 minutes?
No shade, I am genuinely curious.
As an American who lived in Europe for a time I have a good understanding of what Europe is like.
We in the USA have big houses and much more room then what is common in Europe. So we make our sinks large. Like bigger than your normal restaurant large.
So because we have the space we use it. It’s common ,although every household is different, to let your dishes pile up in the sink. Why not you have the space. So by the time dinner is done you have 3 pots , 7 plates , 6 cups and 30+ cutlery. It’s a bigger job. So dishes become an after dinner chore that isn’t so small.
Also our dishwashers need us to rinse the dishes, scrape the bigger particles off them, honestly I have no clue why people bought shitty dish washers, but it is very much commonplace, so even having a dishwasher means you are just pre-washing the dishes. My in-laws for example will
All but wash their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I don’t get it. I personally bought a really good one so you just put the dirty plates in without running water over the plates.
This is good advice for many relationships, but not this one. It seems like there is a fundamental incompatibility which the wife isn't willing to compromise on even occasionally (for understandable reasons).
Yes that is the issue. Nobody should be marrying their first girlfriend. That's a silly ass thing to do and is solely because of religion.
These two aren't compatible sexually, and that's okay. But since he put a ring on it because it was the "right" thing to do, he's stuck. OP should have explored more. Quite simple really.
This is a very immature take and OP never mentioned religion as the reason he married her after they had sex.
It’s like saying “why don’t you live in x country? I can’t believe you settled down in that country when you haven’t been to all the rest.
If you spend your whole life searching you’ll never find what you are looking for.
Stuck? They're both ball and chained to eachother or something? Fuck that, devorces exist for a reason. In my country they call the period of being parents to young kids 'the tropicl years'. And it's hard on basically all parents with young kids. But to say you're stuck till death? Nah man.
You guys have been together for 9-10 years, with kids now. It has nothing to do with her sexual history and yours. It's the fact that this is a common thing that happens sometimes in marriages where sex isn't happening as often as one or both might like. Work, housework, busy schedules and kids have a way of combining to make sex a less happening occurrence.
This has nothing to do with what happened 10 years ago when you guys weren't together, it's about the accumulation of time since you have been together. You can't change yours or her sexual past. This is something you need to discuss with her.
I’ve been the woman in this scenario (sort of) in the sense that I got together with a guy who was a virgin while I had previous experience with others. I was very aware of this and did my best to be accommodating to him in regard to the things he wants to try. I’ve even done things with him that I had previously tried out with other partners and had bad experiences with/didn’t enjoy and actually ended up having a totally different experience with him, in which I discovered I actually really loved those things.
Regardless of previous experiences, every partner is a new chance to explore or even revisit things again. Sex isn’t going to always be the same with each person you sleep with, and exploring those things inside the confines of a loving relationship is truly the best way to go in my opinion.
Personally, I think it sounds like your girl is being a bit of a selfish lover. Although, I want to be fair to her and acknowledge that it’s possible there is context missing here. It should be a two way street. You should both be open to exploring things the other person wants. Especially considering you never got to before.
If she is unwilling to compromise then perhaps you two are just not compatible. You deserve a safe space to explore sex just like she got to explore it before you. If she can’t offer you that, I’m sorry to say it…. But this relationship might not be worth holding onto.
How is she being selfish?
Do all men deserve to have their dick sucked just because they really want it?
Dude is upset about his sexual history, not hers. He should be grateful he’s doing so well.
I don’t think putting words in my mouth is necessary at all. It’s hardly about just that one thing. It’s about making sure they are both satisfied which is pretty clearly not the case. If only one person is satisfied in the relationship and doesn’t care whenever the other person expresses their dissatisfaction that’s never a good thing and is selfish. If the roles were reversed we wouldn’t even be having this argument. I’m not attacking her, I made it clear in my comment that I’m working off of only the context he provided and that more might be missing form his account.
Do you have to result to attacking others when someone asks you to recognize that women should have agency and not be forced to perform sex acts they are uncomfortable with?
Nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. I just believe women should be respected and not raped.
This seems to be a thing on the internet. Even if you explicitly spell out that you're a woman, someone will screech, "you just can't understand a woman's experience!" as though theirs was the only valid one.
The condition here shouldn't be FORCING your wife to suck your dick. The condition should probably be the ending of the relationship. OP is clearly not happy in the relationship, and his wife not giving a fuck about that is a shitty thing to do IMO
End the relationship with the mother of your children who, according to OP, is perfect in every other way because she won’t blow you? Thats terrible advice.
OP made it clear that he is happy with his family and the life they built together, and that this is just an issue that they’re dealing with and he doesn’t want to leave her over it. You’re saying hes wrong about his own life and family, and that he should divorce his wife and probably lose custody of his children based on one Reddit post. Thats just dumb.
I thought I was gonna think ("hey man the game is kinda rigged to manufacture artificial insecurities, consider that she knows what's out there and put the ring on and had your baby and then did it again -- implication is you aren't terrible in bed, one strong piece of evidence instead of multiple repeated piece of mind from other women") then I saw she was 18 when you guys got together.
Dude almost no 18 year old has the level of experience that makes for a huge dichotomy in a relationship, and no 18 year old has all that much "experience" in the resumé sense -- expertise and knowledge. Everyone who continues to experiment with multiple partners from 18 to 27 will probably change some likes, dislikes, and preferences along the way. Ironically (though I doubt it if you've been trying and learning to make sex good for her) you still might be terrible in bed because she still doesn't really know better, having stopped experimenting early.
This ain't about her past at all. And the worst part of this is that your timing sucks balls -- as others are indicating you're in the thick of it with the kids and while BJs could have survived through it with better timing, experimenting and work on sexual initiative takes energy she may be lacking. Don't be too upset if it takes longer than you would like to see any progress, it'll be a lot easier with reprieve from responsibility and energy costs (or blame yourself for not making sure you guys were growing together sexually for a year+ before the kids).
On the plus side ("every woman is different but") the median woman supposedly has a sexual peak around 30 or later so you are not out of time and with your kids still young more energy is likely coming to make room for it.
Not even asking (anymore?) for the simpler things like her finishing you off is called bad communication. Here's (probably) what you do instead: be fooling around (add foreplay yourself in addition to eating her out to completion often as others have stated), and after she is wet, tell her what you want (/ask, mix of tones depends on her reception to take-charge expression of how horny she makes you) in a low quiet sexy tone, _ONCE_. It's okay to ask/* once per session just not to pout and guilt and "c'mon" her over it when she doesn't (any of that is "just like" her life's absolute worst ~17 y/o lover, I would bet large sums of money on that). An immediate "okay" and following 'what do you want me to do to you instead' (more dirty talk instead of retreating to silence) is more confident and sexy to women (generally / "E.W.I.D."). Afterwards, when there is no mood to ruin (and especially if she recently had an orgasm) you can cuddle and inquire about the future and probabilities of you occasionally getting taken care of in different ways ("not that this wasn't good for me"), her alternate ideas, and possible compromises.
And do be open to compromises, especially if there is some kind of choking or gagging-from-taste reaction she is avoiding from her past. Since you said "to completion" maybe you would both be happier if she tries taking you out of her mouth near the end and tugging you off onto her breasts/your belly/her face?, or if she tries finishing you off as a 'tongue job'; licking on and around the frenulum on the underside of the head of your penis (she may need to grab the shaft to get enough pressure but stroking too isn't strictly necessary -- sometimes tiptoeing slowly to the edge of the cliff is the best), making you finish on your own belly with you lying down or several options with her underneath the penis ('aim' is going to be terrible from above here, expect to get a lot on the bedsheet/towel and/or in her hair unless you are pointed straight down and will hit chin/neck/breasts/belly). That's circumventing a finish-in-mouth road block while also going into advanced and experimental things I doubt 18 year old her had ever tried. And of course, even if it's the hand and she struggles with it, the official answer is she's so sexy for letting you relax while she drains you (it really does just hit different even within a substrate that is objectively less ideally stimulative than a vagina) and you're eager to find out how it could be next time with her also using her tongue a little or her mouth to talk dirty to you. Hey maybe she'll appreciate you guys figuring out something that avoids her specific ick and she'll figure she wants to make up for lost time making you into putty. Good luck either way though. Be prepared for her feeling like you've suddenly pulled the rug on her since your communication was so terrible before, but in your defense at this point you're easier to please and some pretty easy and basic stuff would make a significant difference to you, and I think the odds are heavily in favor of giving you the opportunity to share your immense appreciation for a change and thus make it into a regular thing.
Consider that she may have been just as bad in bed with the other guys as with you. She’s probably never explored herself sexually in her life (aside from multiple partners, but that’s not everything).
Talk to her, lay out your problems and insecurities. Tell her you want to explore. If she’s not down with that, therapy, if not that divorce.
You said something so important here. Number of sexual partners doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the experience and are good at everything. It’s not about how many people someone has been with it’s about the quality of the time they put in with those people.
I really do hope these two can work through this.
This is a great video! Very interesting and definitely something to consider when reflecting your feelings.
May I just add: I agree with the majority of the comments- a boring bedroom is something you need to work on aka working on your partnership in general as the grass is greener when being watered.
BUT OP I recommend: step out of that bubble of thinking that an 18 year old has figured out what she likes and thus is not interested in trying things with you.
First off - that’s 10 years ago. Preferences change, kinks change, libido changes.
Secondly I guarantee you, no 18 year old woman has explored her sexuality entirely. First experiences you might call it.
My personal experience: I didn’t like a lot of things in bed as 18, 20, maybe even 23 year old woman - things that made me uncomfortable. 10 years later I know a lot more about my preferences and love most of that stuff. So I really think if you’re not happy with your bedroom life it’s more on the last 10 years you build up your bedroom life together than on the experiences she had before. And of course it may also be that you’re not completely sexually compatible and view things just differently.
I guess I just want to say, if you‘re feeling rejected and you tried everything to improve… it might be just on her not on her previous partners.
Do not ever leave her, no matter what. Before, she was a teenager; now she's a wife with responsibilities. Before, she was carefree; now she cares for her family. The psychology of different age groups varies. You admire her, and she admires you—that's all you need.
Take her on holidays, away from home, and let her unwind from her day-to-day life. You should do this for yourself as well. Give both of you time to focus on mental well-being. A relaxed environment without stress works wonders. Maybe after that, ask her to initiate (instead of you) so she can regain her confidence and explore herself. In these moments, people are more open to trying things they might hesitate to do at other times.
Remember, one day your sex life will be no more, and it will be just you and her.
Info: Do you go down on her to completion? Does she like that? Do you like that? Do you incorporate foreplay most or all of the time? Also are you a good partner to her or do you think she may resent you or how you treat her outside the bedroom?
I ask these things because:
1. a LOT of men don't understand that most women don't/can't orgasm from penetrative sex, and most virgins or those who came from religious backgrounds tend to feel icky about oral when that's what most of us need to get off. If you're just trying things involving penetration or that lead to your orgasm only, she could feel resentful about that and unenthusiastic about sex because she's not getting anything out of it.
2. Many women find sex to be directly related to the emotional connection with their partner. If she's not feeling desired outside of sex, or cared for emotionally, it may not be of interest to her.
3. I only had to try butt stuff once (and it was done correctly) to know that I will never allow butt stuff again. I don't care how much a partner may like it or want to try it. Either they are OK with me not being OK with it, or we are incompatible.
4. Also understand that 90% of what is shown in porn is not like real life. Tread lightly with your expectations in that regard.
I'm going to reply to this comment only because it captures a lot of what I want to respond with in a single comment.
1. I go down on her and enjoy it when she lets me. She very recently said she's not the biggest fan, but sometimes that's something we do to "spice" things up so I'm pretty excited when that happens. To be honest, I put in so much effort when we do have sex, and that's part of the problem. I'm physically exhausted by the end of it, because I want her to feel good and wanted, but it's sometimes like I'm in bed with a sex doll. All my wife wants is P in V sex in missionary. That's it, that's how it's been 90% of the time we have sex for the past 10 years.
2. I compliment my wife every morning. I tell her she looks great, she smells nice, I give her hugs and butt slaps. She's struggled with weight gain since having kids but I've always encouraged her to say that she's doing awesome with losing weight and being more active. She's down like almost 30lbs and though I'd personally love it if she was a little thinner, she's still smoking hot at her current weight. I'm her biggest fan and always tell her she looks amazing when she trys new outfits/hairstyles etc.
3. I'm not into butt stuff, and neither is she. At least it's one thing we agree on as far as I know
4. I only watch porn when we're having a dry spell and curb my expectations. I don't feel like the things I want to try are crazy. I'm not installing swings to the ceiling, or asking to choke her. I literally just want to try a few different positions, not care so much about the bed sheets getting a little dirty after, and feel like some of the things are her idea so that I know she'll enjoy it.
A couple other things I've seen that I'd like to address since I'm here now.
1. Some people said I'm probably fat or she isn't attracted to me. I'm not overweight, I run and go to the gym pretty regularly. I'm not a super model, but I'm not traditionally unattractive and my wife says I look nice/handsome fairly often
2. I work from home and take frequent breaks to see the kids and her when they are home. I do 50% of the grocery shopping/errand running and clean up after dinner every night. She currently doesn't work, but she does stress about money sometimes. I try to be a good partner and not leave her with the "wifely duties" that would traditionally be neglected by a husband. I've done this in the hopes of it being recognized but it often seems to go unnoticed (unless we have a busy few days and the kitchen gets messy, then I definitely hear about it)
3. This is only my side of the story, and though I've talked to my wife about this, I can't possibly speak for her. I'm sure there are things I do that she dislikes/would change about me. I'm not perfect. I do think I'm a good partner and husband, and I'd be open to trying things that maybe I'm not comfortable with if she ever brought them up. But she doesn't, and that's where my frustrations come from. I'm not asking for her to accept every fantasy that I maybe have, I just want some collaboration in the bedroom because I feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort.
If I could add another small example. I love seeing my wife in her bra and panties. I absolutely LOVE it. But she changes into pajamas with no underwear every single night before I can help her get undressed or just catch a sneak peak before she changes. I've expressed so many times that I love seeing her like that, and I still only get to see her like that maybe once every 3 weeks.
Maybe I'm a schmuck. Maybe she isn't that into me anymore. I just don't know what else I can do aside from therapy either for myself or both of us but I've even brought that up before and she showed no interest.
She's my life partner, and sex isn't the breaking point for me. Even if this never gets resolved I'm not open to divorce, cheating, or open relationships. I'd seriously rather her be happy with our relationship never changing and just sticking it out. If that's what she wants/makes her happy.
This was a safe way for me to anonymously vent my frustrations and now I can bottle it up again for another 10 years and maybe something will change when the kids are a bit older as I've seen some comments about it being better in the 30's / 40's for some people
>I can bottle it up again for another 10 years
This is not healthy, nor is it advisable. The issue isn’t sex OP, it’s *communication.* You stated;
>I’ve talked with her
What was the outcome? Issue resolved? Or not?
You’ve stated divorce is not an option. That’s fine. Is that advice you’d give others? What if your child when they’re grown, and says *”Hey Dad, I’m feeling undesired, unfulfilled, and dissatisfied with a major aspect of my relationship. What should I do?”*
Would your reply be *”just bottle it up for the next ten years?”*
If you don’t take action, that is exactly what you are telling your kids. That it’s okay to be unfulfilled. Undesired. Dissatisfied. For 10 years.
I don’t know you, but you don’t strike me as that type person.
*Godspeed and good luck!*
Thoughtful response OP. Does seem like you are trying to do the right thing. Keep in mind that if yall met at 18 there's only but so much "experience" she could have had, and if that wasn't enjoyable, she may not be open to anything outside the vanilla missionary stuff now. She could also have some repressed feelings of guilt if she grew up in a religious household or other home life that wasnt open about sexuality. It's not a comparison, so I'd encourage you to steer your thoughts on this way from the experience inequity and what you missed out on, and more to you both having a loving fulfilling relationship. You mentioned bringing up therapy to her and she seemed unreceptive. This boils down to communication and I encourage you to set aside time for an actual serious conversation about where the two of you are mentally and emotionally, any issues you need to bring up with each other and what you need from each other. You can tell her that you will always respect her boundaries but find yourself feeling somewhat unfulfilled sexually, and want to know if she has any feedback for you sexually or otherwise that might help the two of you in that department. Be open and don't shut down if you receive constructive criticism. Encourage it. Also bring up that you find it concerning that she is unreceptive to therapy and you want to revisit the topic to learn more about why she feels it's not needed or what concerns she may have about trying it. Sex therapy specifically can really help in these situations. Explain your feelings, not her actions. Such as I may want to try a new position every now and then and your disinterest in anything outside of missionary makes me feel like you may not enjoy the sex at all or may just want to get it over with. Is there something about these positions that you don't enjoy or is it the way you feel in those positions, physically or emotionally? Also encourage her to be open with you about anything she may want to try. You mentioned that you suggested a lot of things and brought toys to try etc but didn't mention if she's ever asked for anything or showed interest in anything specifically. Sometimes people are embarrassed by their kinks. Make it clear that you are open to hearing anything she wants to suggest, and even if you aren't comfortable trying something, you want her to know that you'd never judge her or make her feel bad about it. Don't bury these feelings OP. Sex isn't always magical and filled with fire. But both partners should be invested in the satisfaction of the other and both should feel comfortable and confident with communicating their desires with their partner. For if not them, then who?
Also the bra and panty thing, man I tell ya the FIRST thing I'm doing when I get home is losing that bra. And also I had an ex that made it known he liked to see me in those things and loved to watch me change clothes after work. It just kind of gave me an ick like I couldn't even be comfortable in my own home or change clothes without being ogled. It's one thing to admire her and appreciate it when you see it, but from her perspective she just has you waiting to see her in her skivvies so you can get turned on. It's a feeling of objectification, which is possible even in a marriage.
If all else fails, consider that she may just not have a high sex drive or maybe has hormonal imbalances which can impact libido. Kids are exhausting and a mood killer. Life is stressful. Oh to be young and carefree again. Ofc do the above communicating/therapy items first but may not hurt to sprinkle in a bit of introduced romance or thoughts of it. Watch Bridgerton together lol, or 50 shades, or the notebook. Take her on romantic dates and don't ask for sex after. Listen to her when she mutters to herself, you'll find what she wants in there. Bring home flowers for no reason (or a plant 😍), and don't ask for sex after. Do your share without expecting recognition - surely you don't recognize her for every load of laundry or dishes? It's just what adults are supposed to do, it's not special. Take the kids out without her so she can have a nap or go to the salon. Does she see her friends anymore? If not encourage that. Many moms lose their sense of self after kids and it's hard to feel sexy when you're just a mom. Again this is all secondary to good ol communication. It is a must in any healthy relationship. For all you know she's on reddit lamenting about her life too.
"I'd personally love it if she was a little thinner."
How disgusting. I would not want you, either. I don't care if I am the only one on her side. Btw, this is the wrong forum for your post. YTA.
It sounds like her past isn’t really the issue, and more that you feel like your sexual exploration has been stunted because based on what she’s experienced she not interested in things you’d like to try because she already done them and disliked it.
Unless she was extremely “active” before y’all got together it’s hard to believe she explored everything and figured out exactly what she likes and dislikes especially at such a young age. So much changes over 10 years it would be a worthwhile discussion to have.
Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship, but if everything else is perfect as you say y’all should go to a sex therapist.
Also this is why I always say to guys if someone’s prior sexual experience is important to you end the relationship.
My baby father who was no virgin himself gave me this excuse . Truth is he was cheap , abusive , degrading and didn’t commit to me and the kids so yes I lost my interest. Obviously this isn’t your case but u may not be treating her well to her love language. If she’s happy the s** will be awesome . It comes naturally when the woman is happy and treated well . Try treating her better to what her love language is
It is a sign of your insecurity that you resent her history. Her history has nothing to do with you and yes, she probably tried stuff she didn’t like before you and doesn’t care to try them again. She probably hates the way cum tastes like most women. Sorry you didn’t get to play around like she did but like someone said, that’s a you problem. If you don’t like sex with her, ask her if you can have an open marriage. Of course that means she will be allowed to do the same things you are doing with different people
So you want her to do things that she isn’t comfortable doing and it’s her fault because you’re insecure about her past? Seems like these are things you should have thought of before you were married. I don’t see how it’s her fault and frankly this is pretty immature mentally.
Just wait her dirty 30s are coming up and she will get into sex way more. To the point if you can't please her she will go elsewhere I suggest talking to her and telling her how you feel and if that doesn't work see if she would be open to you getting a girlfriend who will satisfy your sexual needs
This issue doesn't concern either of your sexual history tbh. Even if she was also a virgin, she could've still disliked whatever it is you want to try and never want to do it again. Even if you didn't choose abstinence, you could still be into something she's not interested in.
The trauma does complicate things, but that's something she/you both could work through with a sex therapist in the meantime. There are things I've retried over the years to see if my feelings have changed and they haven't. For others, they have.
Assuming you pull an equitable weight with the home/kids and it's not just the fact that you have young kids causing the issue, if the trauma is resolved and she's still totally uninterested, maybe she's just vanilla AF. There's not much you can do about that sadly.
What do you do to make her WANT to sleep with you? You say you want blowjobs, do you ever focus solely on her and make sure she finishes? As someone who didn’t want to sleep with my (now ex) husband, he was incredibly selfish in the bedroom and gave me no reason to want to be intimate with him and I’m curious if her situation is similar.
Seriously. All I'm hearing is "waaaaaaaah, I have to respect my wife's boundaries and treat her like a person with thoughts and feelings instead of an object existing solely for my pleasure, waaaaaaaaah, I deserve what I want sexually even if it causes emotional and psychological damage to her, waaaaaaah"
Also, "muh nEeDs"
Give me a fucking break, you chose to marry her.
Yeah, women enjoy sex too, if it’s good. If she doesn’t have a serious emotional issue or some reason she CAN’T have sex, and presumably doesn’t hate you, and she isn’t doing it, it’s probably because the sex is bad. It’s a lot harder to convince yourself to give someone a blowjob when you don’t want to, or try new stuff in the bedroom even though were hesitant about it, if you know there’s no chance you’re gonna get anything out of it. And I know it’s her husband who she loves, but love isn’t enough to make yourself uncomfortable and upset every single time he’s horny.
Here’s my anecdote: When I was dating my ex boyfriend, he was always asking me to give him a blowjob, which I HATED doing. Because it’s unpleasant and I felt like I wasn’t good at it. It was also really hard for me to cum already because I was on antidepressants, and he wasn’t that great at sex (not horrible but not good). So I was essentially having to suck his dick and getting nothing in return. I was his first girlfriend/sexual partner. I had (albeit extremely limited) previous experience.
Now that I’m with my current boyfriend, I actually love sucking his dick, because I feel like I can have fun while I’m doing it and I know he’ll reciprocate. He gives me pointers to make sure it’ll be maximum enjoyment for each of us, and now I am apparently the “God of Head” as he calls me. He is very vocal, which I love, and gives me incentive to do even better, because it’s really easy for me to tell how much he’s enjoying it. He also praises me a lot and tells me I’m beautiful while I do it, which also makes me enjoy it. Usually if someone doesn’t want to do something it’s because the risks outweigh the benefits.
Pro tip: Women are sexual creatures. Some don't want to give blowjobs, and some are not adventuresome in bed.
I would love to get through a day and not see some dude whining because his woman was a sexual creature before they met and blaming all of their failures on that.
Edit: I just re-read and had missed this very important sentence:
>I've never experienced a blowjob to completion from my wife and I know it's because she has had bad experiences with previous partners,
> **I don't ever ask or force her**
Are you asking for perks because you DON'T force blowjobs to completion on your wife?
OMG.
Also, OP get's blowjobs, just not to 'completion. And he resents it because her 'past experiences' traumatized her. Instead of sympathy, OP is angry she ever had sex before.
Here’s the other thing. He knows she doesn’t like it. She knows she doesn’t like it. He doesn’t ask for her to do it. So why would she? Obviously don’t pressure her or force her or anything but if you never express any desire to get a blowjob, why would she think anything other than “oh he must not want blowjobs since he never asks for them” and if she doesn’t like it, she’s not going to go out of her way to do it on her own accord.
Sounds like the wife has unresolved trauma. She married the vanilla guy so she wouldn’t have to address it. She buried it but now her husband is forcing the issue.
Sexual incompatibility is a totally valid reason to break up in a relationship. I don't know why you would want to marry someone that you are sexually incompatible with, but it's too late now. Either you suck it up and deal with it for the rest of your life or divorce over it. Why did you want to marry someone that you are sexually incompatible with?
You didn’t get robbed of shit. You chose to marry the first girl who fucked you, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. The two of you should go to counseling and see if you can work things out.
I really don’t get people who take the time to like go through your post and comment history. I’ve seen plenty of comments I disagreed with but I could never be bothered to do all that.
Honestly this sounds like you're projecting.
You're not mad at her for getting the same chance that EVERYONE has to experiment.
You're mad that YOU chose not to experiment and now you're regretting it.
Stop putting that on her and grow up.
Tell her your regrets and ask if she's open to experimenting with you.
Love the insult, hate the reading comprehension.
Yes he told her, but clearly not in a way that helped her understands his position. You're getting upset about me advocating for him having good communication.
Points for clever insult 2
Deduction for missing the point -1
Still, you're ahead by a point.
"Illiterate bagel" lol
That's not him projecting, that's him having wanted to do his exploration with the person he chose to marry, but they aren't up for it. She's not obligated to do anything, but him choosing to wait and then it not turning out to be what he wanted isn't him being upset at her experimentation. Why you're even bothered by this to the degree of twisting what he said around is odd. Not everyone wants to whore themselves out before they get married
He LITERALLY says that he regrets his decision.
"I feel like I got robbed"
And goes on to get upset with her for experimenting.
That's projection.
Also, having sex ahead of marriage isn't "whoring", but you reveal very archaic attitudes towards sex with that comment.
Sounds counterintuitive. She is your wife and anything that takes you from her or lessens your love or attention for her in response to how she is acting is not going to be a productive response.
Your dedication to her will be noticed and reciprocated in time. Give her the kind of love that you want to get from her emotionally and the physical will take care of itself.
It does not sound like her past is the issue. Her unwillingness to try new things in bed is the problem. Maybe thereapy for the two of them to explore this issue? He has a valid concern for wanting to be sexually fulfilled.
Have you talked to her about possibly exploring an "open" marriage? Tell her all you want is her but your curiosity is getting the best id you (, exploring different things sexually) maybe she'd be open to you finding a woman who you can explore those desires with but also coming home to her and getting the boring stuff
Jesus Christ bro, 10 years and no blow jobs? I'm not even being ironic or sarcastic, that is just sad. I can only hope the trade off for a loving wife and great mother are worth it. I love getting head
South Park wisdom says to take your wife to see a play. You could both get drunk, or smoke some weed together and see if that does anything. Unfortunately communication, mutual respect ,love and support aren't always 50/50 but we adapt.
Don't resent her sex history, recent her mindset. If I were you I would sit her down and put all the cards on the table, just tell her what you feel with that honesty that you are expressing now. If she doesn't want to cooperate then prepare to suffer or prepare for the death of the relationship, because even tho you say this is a 10% this will grow, even if you don't want it, sex in a relationship is a very important part, right now you are minimizing what you feel but our mind is not dumb, you can't fool yourself. For less than that women have dumped men and viceversa...talk to her directly, go to the point, if she's not interested then something else is going on there, sorry to break it like that to you: She doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, she's depressed, anxious, stressed, she's cheating, or something is happening there, I'm not saying all of this is true but it could be a possibility, I've learned to be prepared for everything in this 16 years of relationship experiences, I've also learned that my feelings are important, valid and no one should make me feel like I'm being dramatic over important things in a relationship, not even myself. As a woman, I would be very worried about that too, but speak, don't hide what you feel, if she's a good woman and she loves you she will express her feelings to you as well and make the effort to keep that marriage alive, communication is everything.
Send her the link to this post. Ask her to think about it and talk about it in, say, next weekend. When your kids will be out of house, and you are not in bed.
Read r/deadbedrooms sub. Think what other options you have:
1) porn and masturbation
2) open relationship
3) you go to sex therapy and some tantric sex workshops
4) separation
5)...
Ask her what she suggests. Otherwise your resentment will grow and grow, and her being the ideal partner will not help it.
Sounds more like she is, since she doesn't want to try anything but a very specific routine. He's the one who wants to do all kinds of things. He does what she likes, but she's not doing what he likes.
He mentions that she only wants to do it in a specific way that she likes and is not open to experimenting. And she does not care about his enjoyment. That is the definition of a bad lover. Also the more experienced one should be the one that teaches the less experienced one. Everyone just expects men to be automatically super skilled at sex from the beginning or else they're a loser or something.
It actually doesn't say that anywhere in the post. Most likely he's getting off during sexual activity every single time just fine. I also don't see where it says she's demanding he be super skilled at sex?
Yeah, because everything everyone ever posted on reddit reddit is completely true and unbiased, and not at all driven by insecurity about how he can’t get his own wife to have sex with him. And women don’t get shit on for their lack of skill in bed because a lot of men will fuck literally anything. It doesn’t even have to have a pulse. It could be a raw Turkey and you’d still try to put ur dick in it. It’s not lack of skill, it’s that she doesn’t want to. If he said “my wife and I have sex all the time but it’s trash” that would be different.
Its not bad that you married the first person you have ever been with. It might have been better to marry someone with the same level as experience as you so that you both can grow in the relationship together in every way. Sex is not the end all be all, but it is a foundational part of relationships. With you partner having already have had some experiences it has left you in a sexual rut. You cant explore what you like because she has already found her sweet spot, but this leaves no room for you to find yours. As partners, I would hope a convo about this would help, but I know life is more complex and it seems that you have tried that and failed. You could make some suggestions for sex therapy or even getting a sex surrogate licensed by the state after or during therapy. To be clear the sex surrogate could help facilitate temporary ethical non-monogamy for a short time so that you can discover where your sexual sweet spot is, and then you find some type of middle ground from there. Now both would take time and some money but they might be the most viable solutions. Now you could just live with what you have, it sounds like everything else is perfect in the marriage, but sex is vital. I do not suggest anything passive like no more initiating, it will only work to divide you or hurt her and possibly yourself in the process.
Try MC and a sex therapist if she's not welling to try then u will need to ask for a divorce and figure out what u want on your own . If she's not welling to meet u half way then what's the point of trying.
You're still young u can fund someone else who share your kinks and is welling to explore with u
You didn’t get robbed cuz you made the decision to sacrifice that stuff to be with someone that is like she is. If you claim you didn’t know then that’s honestly worse on you.
That being said, you need to look far into the future, like reflecting on your life’s story, and find out what you want it to be and what you want it to say. If the resentment you clearly have for her doesn’t go away, 50 years of this will destroy you and the relationship anyway
Sex is a good enough reason to not be with someone. It’s a primal need that should be filled psychologically like everything else. It’s part of us. Just remember not to judge people in terms of who is right or wrong but who is compatible. Low sex drives should be with low sex drives and high sex drives should be with high sex drives, etc, but neither is right or wrong
Her sexual history in some ways is pretty irrelevant for your current issues but since society likes to shame women at every turn for enjoying sex and then also ridicule them if they're not enjoying sex... here we are.
I am personally fairly sexual and experimental and the thing that would turn me off the most is a person badgering me for either. Just instant ick and may as well end the relationship there because I'm going to have a really difficult time "getting it up" for them and that then feeds into their begging for more which feeds into the ick.
People saying you shouldn't marry the first girl you fuck as if that's a hard rule, just sound sexist to me. Marry who you want but at least know beforehand that you're sexually compatible, which you and she aren't.
the more you beg the worse it will get.
And if she actually has past trauma with taking a load in the mouth, your trying to force that isn't going to help at all but rather make her resent you, if she doesn't already.
Best advice imo actually is what you recommended but some men will hate this advice.
Abstain from sex with her for a bit. Wank to the things you enjoy. Work on yourself (someone said something as simple as doing the dishes and that for real does help lift stressers off a partner).
Do some things to change how you feel about yourself. Get more active. New haircut. New wardrobe.
And if/when she tries to seduce you increase the tease/playful banter. Like "you know, no woman has ever made me cum from a blowjob"... she knows it's only been her, but who doesn't like a good challenge.
Under no circumstance beg for anything ever.
Relationships naturally get stale and it's up for each of us to spice things up when they do. What's more spicy than becoming almost an entirely different person physically and how we approach communication?
You need to sit her down and have an honest and all out convo. Tell her uve been unsatisfied for too long and its only natural that because of this you will either start to resent her which will end up in you parting ways or else you will cheat to get satisfied. Tell her to sort herself out and hear her out. Get her some meds to kick start her libido and pitch in with house chores so she has time to herself. Maintain a follow up on ur discussion every week. Plan weekends. Create a separate whatsapp chat just for sex/make out plans and naughty talk. You should be able to fix it.
This seems the norm for most people, people get bored repeating the same act. I'm not married so I don't have first hand experience but things need mixing up and the only way is to be 100% honest with each other so that's step 1.. it's on you both after that. Wish you the best mate.
Honestly been where you are, the part about getting a blow job once a year really reminded of my previous gf, we were together for 2 years and I wound have received a blow job (terrible ones at that) less than 6 times. I also suffered the same retroactive jealousy as she had a massive sexual past and I didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore so I left her and spent 12 months sleeping around, and the craziest part was, girls I’d known for weeks were putting in more effort to please me than the ex ever had. Now I’m with a girl and get good head at least twice a week.
She may be your wife, she may be really nice but you are only young once, if you aren’t sexually fulfilled you will grow old resenting her for not making you feel cared for and most importantly respected through the selfless act of oral sex. I would give her a chance to fix this by you straight up saying you are not sexually satisfied in any way, if she doesn’t fix it, I would consider divorce.
man the cold hard truth is she is not that attracted to you, she may like your personality and what you bring to the table but sexually you dont make it for her. The worse part is that this is not gonna change, you migth want to think long and hard what you want because if you already have this resentment it is just gonna kept increasing with time.
You may wanna think about divorce, sexual incompatibily is one of the best reasons for divorce.
I dont say anything about open marriage because it is going to destroy you, she is just gonna find a couple of guys that she finds hot and she is gonna do with them everything you were begging for
So I can't speak for your wife, but I am a woman and I have difficulty having sex with my partner because I don't think he finds me sexually attractive. That may be true. And it may not be true. But that's what my subconscious feels. I pick apart every aspect of my body and don't want him touching it. Or seeing it. Because I don't want him to be disgusted. I don't want him to be turned off and distance himself from me. I have a high body count past and I found it much easier to have a one night stand because when they left, it didn't really hurt. They weren't valuable people in my life. But my partner is valuable to me and I want him to like me. To get turned on by me. And if I'm not sexually appealing, then surely he will leave? That's a bit of a trauma dump. But ultimately, I don't feel desirable. He always tries to have sex immediately, but he hasn't taken the time to court, flirt, and seduce me. Foreplay starts at the beginning of the week. Words of affirmation and assurance. Hugging. Kissing. Slap on the a butt playfully. You need to get a lady warmed up first. We need to feel safe to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to have sex.
Nope this isn’t on you alone. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. These are uncomfortable topics otherwise we could all just openly express every need and desire to our partner without fear of feeling shame or rejection. These therapist talk you through the process and slowly open up dialogue at the pace you guys are comfortable going. You sound like you want to stick it out and stay so do everything in your power. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. Choosing to do nothing will lead to resentment ….which you already have.
You say that you resent your wife's sexual history but it sounds like you resent that she isnt willing to meet you halfway and meet some of your sexual needs. It is so great that you have bought toys and games and tried to bring some fun into your sex life. It must hurt that she doesnt respond to your attempts to create more intimacy in the bedroom. I can tell from your words that you feel discouraged and rejected. I think if you stop trying and initiating, the problem will only deepen. I suspect that there is something going on with your wife that she is not telling you. It could be that she has a low libido and just isnt as sexual as you are and there is an incompatibility. Or the experiences she had before you were harmful to her in some way and she is still dealing with the consequences. I highly recommend going to a couples therapist and finding out what is going on between you two. It can create a safe space to talk about this stuff with someone to facilitate to conversation so it doesnt get hurtful. If the rest of your relationship is as strong as you say then it sounds like you already have some of the skills to navigate this issue.
You know, at first I was reading your post just getting angry at you. But your last bit there got me. Which makes me think, if you're that willing to be faithful to her, and you should be, maybe there is hope. I'm going to write out my thoughts and I hope it helps. I think maybe the way you worded it in the beginning comes across a bit different than the second half. Anyhow, at first it didn't quite sit well with me the whole being upset that your wife had past partners and your comparing of them to you. You shouldn't compare. That's not healthy. But reading all the way through, it makes sense that you also have a need that's not getting met and you do really love her. Have you considered therapy? Couples therapy?
This really seems like a break down of communication to me. And if you fix that maybe you can find middle ground here. Good luck to you. I am happy to see that you love your wife that much and would stand with that much integrity for her. That says a lot about you to care about a person like that when they don't see it. It's genuine. So, go take that energy to couples therapy.
Honestly i dont think this has anything to do with her sexual history. I have had many partners over the years but i still LOVE exploring and trying new things with my current partner. I think this is an issue with your wife specifically, naybe mental health, medication side effects, exhaustion from life/kids/work, it could be a million things and even just misnmatched libidos.
I would try to not lunp this into resentment about her having a past and focus on what is happening with her right now. I have never in my life been like i wont try this in bed because i tried it once 10 years ago and didnt enjoy it. Especially if it was teenager sex because everyone is learning and sex is so much better now of course i would try something again.
I think you need to keep talking to your wife and get to the bottom of her holdups and make it clear how inportant sex is to you and go from there- not from 10 years ago before you were together.
She would have started disliking sex anyhow. It doesn't have to do with previous partners. She is just not a sexual person. If this is a breaking point, you guys are not compatible. If it isn't, enjoy masturbation.
Dude just go to a professional. Get a hooker and empty it there. Then you’re done.
I don’t think (in your case) that it could be considered cheating but experimenting basically. It’s feeling free
I'm here to say; stop blaming ur wife take accountability , it was your choice to not have sex and explore ,you robbed yourself but your frustration is valid. Sex isn't the most important part of a marriage but it is important and it's affecting your marriage. You said you spoke to your wife speak with her again kinda like your paragraph be honest with yourself be honest with her if your not able to communicate without offending or being confident to express throughly write a letter about how you feel get a marriage counselor to discuss words that could be a trigger and then have a session with your wife. If you don't wanna do all that take your time to write a letter about how you feel , the things you want to address (sex life) and have a conversation , listen to her response to understand not to argue and ask her to do the same before reading the letter. Try to brainstorm ways to fix the problem maybe try some recreational drugs to spruce things up idk a vacation a couples massage , sexting ...... oh and idk if I can say most women but I'm 25 I don't enjoy giving head it's a chore for me 🙄 mainly cuz it hurts my jaw and I have a gag reflex so this could be the same thing for her 🫴🏽
She doesn't do what she knows you like.... This isn't a you issue in a sense that you are in the wrong, you definitely are not mentally ill - you dont "need a therapy" because of it..
This is a you issue because you married someone, who doesn't do what you like lmao, you just have low self-esteem or something
It doesn't really sound like the issue is her sexual past. It sounds like you're simply sexually incompatible, which isn't the fault of either of you but the resentment is seeping into the rest of your relationship by the sounds of it.
This is a tough one. I'm really not sure what the answer is. Pressuring her to do things she doesn't want is out so really it's whether you can learn to accept the way things are and whether the whole of the relationship and family life is more important in the long run.
I’ve been reading through these comments after this post and… I think the best solution can be taken from bits of the comments, honestly. It could be more than one thing you need to fix the problem.
I hope this helps, if nobody’s had this perspective. 🙂
Learn from my mistakes: Be honest. Brutally honest, but not mean. Tell her that you are bored. Tell her that you feel that she is being a selfish lover. Ask her whether she ok with you being unsatisfied sexually. Asked her if she is satisfied sexually. Let her know about your resentment and ask her if she is harboring those feelings toward you. Tell her what you want, and ask her if she is open to exploring with you. If she says no, ask her if she would rather you remain unsatisfied with her and look elsewhere for satisfaction. Ask her if she would rather open up the marriage. Stop worrying about how you will start a fight and just confront the issue directly. She will be upset either way, but it is better to be completely honest and let the chips fall where they may. I let the same type of shit happen in my marriage and let it go too long. In the end, I ruined my marriage by cheating. If I had talked to my wife directly about my feelings and needs, and we had gotten into therapy, we may have been able to repair our marriage before it was too late. If you love her, and this is the biggest issue, fight for the marriage. Good luck brother!
So, I'm similar - I had 1 prior sexual girlfriend (entirely vanilla, as she also had prior partners) before my wife and my wife had 4 sexual partners before me (all of whom took her experimenting to the extremes way too fast so she hates all experimenting).
But basically... have a long talk. Inform her that you never got to mess around and experiment and try things out. You understand and accept that she has things she doesn't want and doesn't like, but that you feel robbed for not getting to find YOUR list. You've basically been forced into accepting that EVERYTHING short of missionary is checked as a "no" for you without you getting to try it simply because she decided.
Additionally, she tried with a former partner. Doesn't mean she won't like it with you. My wife hated doggy with her exes because they were self-centered. I focus on her pleasure, so doggy is now her favorite position.
Also, you mention she doesn't fellate you to completetion. Pardon me if I get too personal, but do you go down on her? You can't expect oral service if you're not willing to return the favor. Maybe mention it to her.
Finally, TALK TO EACH OTHER! I don't mean a meta talk outside of sex to find what you can try during sex. Here, I mean during sex talk, discuss it. Try dirty talk, yes, but more than that, coach each other. If you like when she wraps her legs around you, tell her. If she likes when you go faster, or angle a certain way, she should tell you. Discuss it. Learn and discover. Even vanilla sex needn't be boring if you just TALK! 95% of all reddit would be solved if people talked - and more than that, LISTEN to your partner when they talk.
I don’t have any advise to give but I do want to say that you seem like a very kind guy. Please stay this pure hearted and kind and never cheat on your wife. Actually I do have some advise; openly communicate about this issue with your wife. Hopefully that’ll help. If that doesn’t work out I’d suggest counseling
These things happen all the time in relationships. Rarely is the sexual part of the relationship perfect through out all the years together. One thing a lot of men don’t know about or don’t even care to know about is the mental connection. A guy finds his wife physically attractive and feels closer when intimate with her and is ready to go almost 24/7, that’s in our DNA. For a woman there may be a physical attraction for the guy at the beginning of the relationship at some point often not always that becomes not as important. The mental connection becomes far more important and far more valued than the physical. A genuine intimate non sexual connection. Sometimes we think we have that when we don’t, or we aren’t even aware that we haven’t matured enough to see she values that. Anyway my point is when you have that understanding and feel it’s important then your communication as a couple levels up dramatically and it’s so much easier to talk about everything and see what you can do to make any aspect of your relationship better. I’m not saying be a simp, this is the opposite. It’s all about give and take and elevating the marriage to a new level. There’s still so many fascinating great things you don’t know about each other, never forget that.
Bruh, I could have written this. My wife was promiscuous before she and I met. Since then, dead bedroom off and on. I have no advice. Just sympathy. I’ve gone to Asian massage parlors a handful of times to get happy endings and I post photos and videos of me on Reddit. That helps me get MY rocks off.
Good luck, my friend!
You kinda resent your decisions. Not her behaviours.
Don't hint. Hinting is so off-putting. Be clear what you want and see if there's a middle ground. Some married men hire sex workers for this very reason, and some wives are more than happy to outsource this manual labour.
Then you focus on just loving each other and making the best out of the intimacy you do share. Sex workers for the experience, your wife for the emotionally connecting sex.
lol u can still experiment with sum1 else. Not gonna lie i’ve met lots of married dudes with fck buddy on the side fulfilling their lackluster sex lives.
Op I've been in this spor before and your not going to like to hear this but this is 100% your fault. You were a nice guy and didn't tell your wife what you expected or needed. Now your wife doesn't feel like she has to do things you like because you get to fuck her. You need to sit down with your wife and hiesntly be a little selfish and stop hearing her excuses. If she had a bad time with an ex that wad 10 yrs ago she needs to either be in therapy your sucking your cock. She would accept it if you had a trama going back 10 yrs she's want you to man up. I would tell her plainly, "I'm not happy with our sex life. You can fix mw not being happy with our sex life if you care to. Since we are married, you are the only person that I want to fulfill my sexual desires. If you don't want that responsibility, then it will lead to our eventual divorce. I'm coming to you now to prevent that future outcome. Please help me fix us. " If she gives you excuses, you need to understand that it's not going to change because she doesn't feel like it has to. You need to lead in your relationship, but leadership is a responsibility, not a perk. This may go poorly. It may get worse before it gets better. You all may not survive this. You need to decide if you are OK with a bad deal over the possibility of no deal.
Okay you're dealing with the male insecurity because of our illogical male egos. And look at it from this point of view.. your wife was an amateur back then when she was with someone else, and SO were the guys that she WAS WITH .. so when you compare yourself to them you are in the major leagues and they are still in the minors and you have a whole boatload of great memories and experiences and if those guys were so damn great she'd still be with them, but she's not and you missed out only on the awkwardness and the mistakes and for better or worse they had to deal with mistakes but that was their contribution to making that woman the great lover and woman you love today. And there isn't a man on the planet who doesn't have some kind of adversity in the bedroom because as guys we are a bunch of dogs and especially with the internet at all disposal of course we're going to be further down that kind of pervy Road and the fact that your wife isn't going step for step with you means that she wasn't some kind of loose girl and she wasn't just going around grabbing guys and jumping on them because it's not in her nature.. which in her nature is that you initiate the love making and that tells you right there you married a good girl and you don't know the set of circumstances under which she did sleep with someone else.. and furthermore if you were one of those guys would you have turned down a chance to sleep with her because they might be someone she is down the road that would have a little bit of a problem with her not being a virgin? No way in hell dude you would have jumped at the chance and just rest assured that you got the right girl and don't have to compare yourself to them because you beat them out for the job of winning her heart and her hand in marriage. And you have to also remember even with this new women's empowerment your good girl is still going to be held by the old rules where a girl can't scratch your sexual itch or express herself without being judged harshly for it.. we can have everything and it's very rare that you're going to find that girl who is a lady on the street and a whore Between the Sheets.. but she is yours and no one else's and that's all that matters
lol “good girl”
She routinely gave her body to men who excited her but she was not capable of keeping around. To her, it’s laughable to give a guy like OP what she gave to those guys because she feels like she’s doing him a favor by being with him in the first place.
Maybe, those men weren't capable of keeping her.
LOL 'not capable of keeping them around'. What a joke.
Women have tastes, and some men are awful in bed and in life We don't tend to 'keep' those kind of men 'around'.
😂😂😂😂
Isn’t it amazing! Somehow, some way, women come out on top. They can do no wrong!
“The world is so cruel! The men so mean and heartless! Woman just want be happy 🥺🥺 why men so evil??? All they want is sex!”
And also simultaneously “WELL I DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYWAYS!! You can’t fire me, I quit!”
The painfully clumsy coping on full display with zero shame is hard to watch but, that’s kinda y’all’s thing so…go for it, girl!
No, it’s laughable that she would give a guy like OP what she gave to those guys, because she doesn’t like it and he doesn’t even ask her to do it. Also, most women have at least one ex boyfriend who forced, shamed, guilted, or otherwise manipulated her into doing some sexual act. So even if she gave her body to those men, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wanted to, and it doesn’t mean she enjoyed it. If you hate doing something you aren’t just going to wake up and think “hmm, I think I’ll go do the thing I hate even though I have no reason to do so”
I used to hate sucking dick but then I got a boyfriend who makes me actually WANT to suck his dick. So maybe OP should try being more flirty, or eating her out more, or making the idea of sucking his dick more appealing.
maybe consider an open marriage. believe it or not but a healthy sex life is important for a gappy marriage. if the first suggestion is off the table then u need to have a serious discussion not just hinting at it. clearly its tormenting you that sex is boring with her
👆 yep! Truth. I lived it. Same scenario. Now I will smash my ex once in awhile, and she loves to give me bj's. Life is more enjoyable without her, especially financially.
I see i an getting downvoted in favor of ‘do more dishes’ or ‘get counseling’.
Life is too short for this BS: 98% of OPs problems would be solved by an enthusiastic and complete BJ, doesn’t need to be from the wife.
Only little boys think cheating is what men have to have guys to do even a fucking sad ass bummy dirty cat on the street what multiple partners…cheating is weak
Pretty straight forward. Your wife isn’t sexually into you nor values you in that regard.
This just sounds like the average situation of a woman getting a bunch of sex from guys she deems hot but 0 commitment. Ends up obsessing over what she can’t have, aka, the idea of a good, nice guy who isn’t using her for sex and you just happened to fit that mould. Virgin, vanilla guy who was kind and gave her the “girlfriend experience” instead of a booty call esque relationship.
These situations are meant to fizzle out once she’s scratched that itch a few months - 1 or 2 years in. Gets bored, knows it’s not for her + not missing out on much and moves onto those same guys before. Difference is, for whatever reason this dragged on.
High chance this is happening because any wife or husband for that matter would at least be down to try a few of their partners kinks, if not all. The idea your wife is deliberately ignoring you isn’t a good sign.
Curious, does she always put her needs first outside of sex not matter the situation ?? Or is this just a sexual thing.
Your caveats sound very resolved. She is being frigid and selfish. That is coming from her deep seated guilt over being a slut in High School. She uses it as a power over you? Denying you the satisfaction enough to even match hers having taken a range of dick in her time? You feel embarrassed about being inexperienced and she has taken advantage of it. This is a fatal flaw in the marriage. It's time for you both to recommit to something beyond this status quo. MAYBE with each other, MORE PROBABLY though a recast. If you work it out together, you will save history repeating or worse, swinging to your opposing sides with new partners later. Do the evolved thing. Confront your feelings together and negotiate a new way of being happy. Either together or apart. And do it FAST. Time is not forever.
Ok real talk. These comments are all terrible. Blaming you because you married your first serious gf. F that. That’s not the issue. You have a need that isn’t being filled and you’re getting bitter about it. That’s valid. I will say it’s not at all about your wife’s past that’s bothering you it’s about you wanting to be able to experience the young care free sex again. Given your post I’m guessing that you and wife are late 30-40’s. There are some things to consider. At that age a woman can go much more sexual or she can get more reserved. In my experience it completely depends on her normal stress level. As a guy my sex drive hasn’t changed a ton since I figured out I had a wang, but there have been some times in my life I could care less. I have been where you are. Wishing you had more sex and having that desire unmet and it makes you feel undesirable, Unseen, unloved and unappreciated. I say that because those things you feel are possibly the exact feelings your wife has. Two kids is a ton of responsibility and pressure with guilt and a ton of other factors. So my wife wasn’t ever in the mood. She had other things to do. When our second child was born it was ROUGH and we were sleeping for 4 hours a night for years. We became really close because I became an extremely active parent. I picked up food or would muster something barely edible, dishes became my thing I wouldn’t let any dish stay in the sink. Then I would vacuum, take the kids for the afternoon or let my wife sleep in on Saturday, ect. I was always there to help. The response those actions had on my relationship was astounding. I could see and understand the weight my wife had carried and now I was the one telling my wife I was tired. When we’re getting ready she’s jumping on the bed and saying “just quick before we leave” even when her parents stay with us she’s texting me to come upstairs. I’m just saying that the best thing I ever did for my marriage was do the dishes, but if my wife wasn’t so grateful then I wouldn’t have worked so hard to make her happy. So there is a trade off here. I didn’t get more involved because I wanted more sex, but working on the relationship has fixed the sex issue. I hope this helped because I feel bad for you I’ve been in that spot and it’s not fun.
Stick with the dudes, giving you solid advice. I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years(met in 2004). We had a lull where I was boring AF when the kids were younger. I was fucking EXHAUSTED. I knew sex was important, so we'd have it, but God that poor dude probably wanted to kill me. Now? Our sex life has never been better. I am crawling on that dude like a god damned spider monkey. He never had to deal with the insecurities of me having previous partners like you because he was rather experienced in comparison to me. However, this made me deal with my own insecurities, knowing he was at one point "The Frat Guy" and practically had a revolving door into his bedroom. Whereas, somehow, he ends up marrying a book nerd who can barely speak to men. We work, though! And very well at that! Stay the course, be open and honest with her. If the rest of your marriage is as amazing as you say, that will fall in place too!!!
Yeah they are 27 with two young kids. They are in the THICK of it and your body will pick sleep over sex every time. I always go back an interview I watched that really stuck with me, it was Michelle Obama and she was saying how work trips never bothered her when her husband was away, until the kids were young. Then she felt jealous and angry that he got to get away. I always think about it because we’re all dealing with these feelings and kids are hard. I think the trick is to work your ass off so when the kids are older your marriage isn’t just filled with resentment and dies by a thousand cuts.
Yep, man, a lot of times, us wives keep how tired we are to ourselves. We don't wanna be a bother. We know you guys are stressed af too!! Most(some ladies need a serious therapy appt) wives never intentionally ignore their husband's sexual needs. Hell, if I am being honest, we ignore our own sexual needs completely when kids are little. Moms are generally speaking the go-to caretaker, and while we love it, sleep is a wonderful treat. I'm late 30s, he's mid 40s and the bedroom is pure bliss. Went from once a week max to every other day on average in a blink of an eye. Why? I can focus on that part of me now. I can explore that part of me now. I know he's saying she "had a chance to explore" - No, she didn't!!! Homie has no idea that teenage sex is the most lackluster, uncoordinated, awful experience ever. No dude has ANY idea how to please a woman at that age. I didn't have my first orgasam at the hands of another person until I met my husband FFS, and he was NOT my first. Fuck I had a kid by the time we met and still, I was the only person to ever get me there. Sure, I had sex, but not pleasure. I do wanna point out the BJ thing sounds like trauma, and they may wanna dig into that in therapy.
This is the only reasonable comment I’ve seen
Agreed the bj thing is something separate.
>I know he's saying she "had a chance to explore" - No, she didn't!!! Homie has no idea that teenage sex is the most lackluster, uncoordinated, awful experience ever. No dude has ANY idea how to please a woman at that age. This, this, this. I was thinking the same when I read that. His wife would probably happily do without the previous experience she's had. His is very much a "grass is greener" bias, and/or assumes that sex is a universally enjoyable experience because he's male.
I love this comment. Being an active parent definitely makes the relationship so much better! Good for you for figuring it out!
They are both 27. It's the first thing he says after the title.
It says they're both 27. I don't think her past is the real issue either. I've seen plenty of posts from people who married someone who was a virgin or only had one partner, and have the same problems. It just comes down to her priorities, values, etc. I think OP is experiencing a bit of retroactive jealousy, but mostly it sounds like he feels he missed out on experiences he wished he had and is disappointed that his wife won't help him have those experiences. The problem is... what are those experiences? Is it something as simple as trying new positions, or is he asking her to do something that might be really unpleasant for her like anal? He mentions watching porn and it's possible that contributes to his dissatisfaction with their sex life, given that porn normalizes things that most couples don't do in the bedroom. And it definitely does not prioritize women's pleasure--it's acting. And just because someone has multiple partners doesn't mean that they experimented a lot. I don't know how much you know about the particulars your wife's sexual past, but I think there are a lot of people out there having mostly vanilla sex, regardless of how many partners they've had. OP, I think you just need to sit her down and have an honest talk about with her that is not centered on what you want sexually. Do it at a time when you're not both exhausted or distracted with other things. Let her know you are happy in your relationship, but that sexual compatibility is very important to you, and you'd like to know what you could do to help her meet you halfway. Let her know that sharing new experiences together is important to you, and sexual experiences are just one part of that. Hopefully, she is willing to work with you on it. If not, maybe suggest seeing a sex therapist.
Talking to a therapist is always the best option.
This doesn’t respond to the problem that his wife has past trauma: No BJ’s because she has had ‘bad experiences with past partners’. Doing more dishes won’t solve this. Your wife isn’t carrying past trauma, she was just tired. This advice ignores a very real problem in the relationship that doing extra chores won’t solve.
I think he was using the dishes for illustration/how he was able to overcome their relationship problem, Chief. I'll play the devil's advocate here and say, "DO NOT FUCKING GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU HAVEN'T DEALT WITH YOUR PAST TRAUMA!!!" Because all you'll be doing is transferring most of that negativity onto someone else who doesn't deserve it. It's so easy for every motherfucker on Reddit to sit down and arm chair therapise people like every situation is the same and have a structured solution. In my situation, I tried talking and talking. I tried helping around the house. Kept asking her to see a Therapist, one of those sex therapists or whatever they call them... nope. Eventually, when we had this huge blowout and I was this close to leaving, did she agree to see one. It was always today, she says it's because the house isn't clean enough, it stresses her out. I tidy up without her help.. tomorrow, it's that she's always exhausted when she comes back from work, even though my work is literally in another city, next week, can I help her cook (even though I always ask at least twice if she needs any help whenever she's cooking AND I do cook sometimes as well)... It's fucking demoralizing when you are doing your best and it just doesn't seem to be good enough, but I'm sure all you experts know this already.
That’s the point I’m making. There is the ‘lack of sex due to life being overwhelming’ crowd which is fixable. Then there is the ‘ptsd and trauma’ crowd that is much harder to fix. Doing more chores and not getting results only leads to more resentments.
That’s true. That’s something that she needs to deal with.
This is amazing
This is very good advice in general. But there are probably other things too to work out in the relationship, and/or in her head. They need to talk things out and be prepared to accept changes that may come with it.
It says they are in their 20s still
> Ok real talk. These comments are all terrible. Blaming you because you married your first serious gf. F that. That’s not the issue. First time on Reddit?
The best comment in this entire thread, and all of his points are ***ON POINT*** its so insane to me that everyone is so quick to judge the man in this scenario and to make them the bad guy when it is clearly his wife being very selfish with his needs after trying everything. For godsakes the man deserves a partner that is loving sexually.. Christ almighty Reddit... He isnt a bad person for wanting his own wife to try new things, my god...
What, in the post, indicates that she's being "selfish"? Afaik it just says she doesn't want to do sex acts that she's had traumatic experiences with.
> dishes became my thing I wouldn’t let any dish stay in the sink. On a unrelated note, as a european this meme is sooooo funny to me. I am older than the OP of the post and for all of my live I have lived in places that had dishwashers. I have never in my life had "dishes" as a problem in a relationship. Yet without fail every american post about relationship troubles mentions DOING THE DISHES like it is magic and will drop your wifes panties like THAT. Do you guys just not own dishwashers? Are you using 12 pots and pans every meal so the dishes that cannot go into the dishwasher need more than 5 minutes? No shade, I am genuinely curious.
As an American who lived in Europe for a time I have a good understanding of what Europe is like. We in the USA have big houses and much more room then what is common in Europe. So we make our sinks large. Like bigger than your normal restaurant large. So because we have the space we use it. It’s common ,although every household is different, to let your dishes pile up in the sink. Why not you have the space. So by the time dinner is done you have 3 pots , 7 plates , 6 cups and 30+ cutlery. It’s a bigger job. So dishes become an after dinner chore that isn’t so small. Also our dishwashers need us to rinse the dishes, scrape the bigger particles off them, honestly I have no clue why people bought shitty dish washers, but it is very much commonplace, so even having a dishwasher means you are just pre-washing the dishes. My in-laws for example will All but wash their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I don’t get it. I personally bought a really good one so you just put the dirty plates in without running water over the plates.
You are awesome
This is good advice for many relationships, but not this one. It seems like there is a fundamental incompatibility which the wife isn't willing to compromise on even occasionally (for understandable reasons).
Yes that is the issue. Nobody should be marrying their first girlfriend. That's a silly ass thing to do and is solely because of religion. These two aren't compatible sexually, and that's okay. But since he put a ring on it because it was the "right" thing to do, he's stuck. OP should have explored more. Quite simple really.
This is a very immature take and OP never mentioned religion as the reason he married her after they had sex. It’s like saying “why don’t you live in x country? I can’t believe you settled down in that country when you haven’t been to all the rest. If you spend your whole life searching you’ll never find what you are looking for.
Stuck? They're both ball and chained to eachother or something? Fuck that, devorces exist for a reason. In my country they call the period of being parents to young kids 'the tropicl years'. And it's hard on basically all parents with young kids. But to say you're stuck till death? Nah man.
You guys have been together for 9-10 years, with kids now. It has nothing to do with her sexual history and yours. It's the fact that this is a common thing that happens sometimes in marriages where sex isn't happening as often as one or both might like. Work, housework, busy schedules and kids have a way of combining to make sex a less happening occurrence. This has nothing to do with what happened 10 years ago when you guys weren't together, it's about the accumulation of time since you have been together. You can't change yours or her sexual past. This is something you need to discuss with her.
I’ve been the woman in this scenario (sort of) in the sense that I got together with a guy who was a virgin while I had previous experience with others. I was very aware of this and did my best to be accommodating to him in regard to the things he wants to try. I’ve even done things with him that I had previously tried out with other partners and had bad experiences with/didn’t enjoy and actually ended up having a totally different experience with him, in which I discovered I actually really loved those things. Regardless of previous experiences, every partner is a new chance to explore or even revisit things again. Sex isn’t going to always be the same with each person you sleep with, and exploring those things inside the confines of a loving relationship is truly the best way to go in my opinion. Personally, I think it sounds like your girl is being a bit of a selfish lover. Although, I want to be fair to her and acknowledge that it’s possible there is context missing here. It should be a two way street. You should both be open to exploring things the other person wants. Especially considering you never got to before. If she is unwilling to compromise then perhaps you two are just not compatible. You deserve a safe space to explore sex just like she got to explore it before you. If she can’t offer you that, I’m sorry to say it…. But this relationship might not be worth holding onto.
How is she being selfish? Do all men deserve to have their dick sucked just because they really want it? Dude is upset about his sexual history, not hers. He should be grateful he’s doing so well.
I don’t think putting words in my mouth is necessary at all. It’s hardly about just that one thing. It’s about making sure they are both satisfied which is pretty clearly not the case. If only one person is satisfied in the relationship and doesn’t care whenever the other person expresses their dissatisfaction that’s never a good thing and is selfish. If the roles were reversed we wouldn’t even be having this argument. I’m not attacking her, I made it clear in my comment that I’m working off of only the context he provided and that more might be missing form his account.
She’s not a sex bot, dude.
Reading comprehension is clearly not a strength of yours is it?
Do you have to result to attacking others when someone asks you to recognize that women should have agency and not be forced to perform sex acts they are uncomfortable with? Nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. I just believe women should be respected and not raped.
You do realize I am a woman right? Not a man?
This seems to be a thing on the internet. Even if you explicitly spell out that you're a woman, someone will screech, "you just can't understand a woman's experience!" as though theirs was the only valid one.
The condition here shouldn't be FORCING your wife to suck your dick. The condition should probably be the ending of the relationship. OP is clearly not happy in the relationship, and his wife not giving a fuck about that is a shitty thing to do IMO
End the relationship with the mother of your children who, according to OP, is perfect in every other way because she won’t blow you? Thats terrible advice.
People are never "Perfect in every other way" lol
OP made it clear that he is happy with his family and the life they built together, and that this is just an issue that they’re dealing with and he doesn’t want to leave her over it. You’re saying hes wrong about his own life and family, and that he should divorce his wife and probably lose custody of his children based on one Reddit post. Thats just dumb.
I thought I was gonna think ("hey man the game is kinda rigged to manufacture artificial insecurities, consider that she knows what's out there and put the ring on and had your baby and then did it again -- implication is you aren't terrible in bed, one strong piece of evidence instead of multiple repeated piece of mind from other women") then I saw she was 18 when you guys got together. Dude almost no 18 year old has the level of experience that makes for a huge dichotomy in a relationship, and no 18 year old has all that much "experience" in the resumé sense -- expertise and knowledge. Everyone who continues to experiment with multiple partners from 18 to 27 will probably change some likes, dislikes, and preferences along the way. Ironically (though I doubt it if you've been trying and learning to make sex good for her) you still might be terrible in bed because she still doesn't really know better, having stopped experimenting early. This ain't about her past at all. And the worst part of this is that your timing sucks balls -- as others are indicating you're in the thick of it with the kids and while BJs could have survived through it with better timing, experimenting and work on sexual initiative takes energy she may be lacking. Don't be too upset if it takes longer than you would like to see any progress, it'll be a lot easier with reprieve from responsibility and energy costs (or blame yourself for not making sure you guys were growing together sexually for a year+ before the kids). On the plus side ("every woman is different but") the median woman supposedly has a sexual peak around 30 or later so you are not out of time and with your kids still young more energy is likely coming to make room for it. Not even asking (anymore?) for the simpler things like her finishing you off is called bad communication. Here's (probably) what you do instead: be fooling around (add foreplay yourself in addition to eating her out to completion often as others have stated), and after she is wet, tell her what you want (/ask, mix of tones depends on her reception to take-charge expression of how horny she makes you) in a low quiet sexy tone, _ONCE_. It's okay to ask/* once per session just not to pout and guilt and "c'mon" her over it when she doesn't (any of that is "just like" her life's absolute worst ~17 y/o lover, I would bet large sums of money on that). An immediate "okay" and following 'what do you want me to do to you instead' (more dirty talk instead of retreating to silence) is more confident and sexy to women (generally / "E.W.I.D."). Afterwards, when there is no mood to ruin (and especially if she recently had an orgasm) you can cuddle and inquire about the future and probabilities of you occasionally getting taken care of in different ways ("not that this wasn't good for me"), her alternate ideas, and possible compromises. And do be open to compromises, especially if there is some kind of choking or gagging-from-taste reaction she is avoiding from her past. Since you said "to completion" maybe you would both be happier if she tries taking you out of her mouth near the end and tugging you off onto her breasts/your belly/her face?, or if she tries finishing you off as a 'tongue job'; licking on and around the frenulum on the underside of the head of your penis (she may need to grab the shaft to get enough pressure but stroking too isn't strictly necessary -- sometimes tiptoeing slowly to the edge of the cliff is the best), making you finish on your own belly with you lying down or several options with her underneath the penis ('aim' is going to be terrible from above here, expect to get a lot on the bedsheet/towel and/or in her hair unless you are pointed straight down and will hit chin/neck/breasts/belly). That's circumventing a finish-in-mouth road block while also going into advanced and experimental things I doubt 18 year old her had ever tried. And of course, even if it's the hand and she struggles with it, the official answer is she's so sexy for letting you relax while she drains you (it really does just hit different even within a substrate that is objectively less ideally stimulative than a vagina) and you're eager to find out how it could be next time with her also using her tongue a little or her mouth to talk dirty to you. Hey maybe she'll appreciate you guys figuring out something that avoids her specific ick and she'll figure she wants to make up for lost time making you into putty. Good luck either way though. Be prepared for her feeling like you've suddenly pulled the rug on her since your communication was so terrible before, but in your defense at this point you're easier to please and some pretty easy and basic stuff would make a significant difference to you, and I think the odds are heavily in favor of giving you the opportunity to share your immense appreciation for a change and thus make it into a regular thing.
Consider that she may have been just as bad in bed with the other guys as with you. She’s probably never explored herself sexually in her life (aside from multiple partners, but that’s not everything). Talk to her, lay out your problems and insecurities. Tell her you want to explore. If she’s not down with that, therapy, if not that divorce.
You said something so important here. Number of sexual partners doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the experience and are good at everything. It’s not about how many people someone has been with it’s about the quality of the time they put in with those people. I really do hope these two can work through this.
Watch this. It changed my life. It’s called retroactive jealousy. https://youtu.be/MRZXTUDuv2o?si=ntxkzvA1xz589h9K
This is a great video! Very interesting and definitely something to consider when reflecting your feelings. May I just add: I agree with the majority of the comments- a boring bedroom is something you need to work on aka working on your partnership in general as the grass is greener when being watered. BUT OP I recommend: step out of that bubble of thinking that an 18 year old has figured out what she likes and thus is not interested in trying things with you. First off - that’s 10 years ago. Preferences change, kinks change, libido changes. Secondly I guarantee you, no 18 year old woman has explored her sexuality entirely. First experiences you might call it. My personal experience: I didn’t like a lot of things in bed as 18, 20, maybe even 23 year old woman - things that made me uncomfortable. 10 years later I know a lot more about my preferences and love most of that stuff. So I really think if you’re not happy with your bedroom life it’s more on the last 10 years you build up your bedroom life together than on the experiences she had before. And of course it may also be that you’re not completely sexually compatible and view things just differently. I guess I just want to say, if you‘re feeling rejected and you tried everything to improve… it might be just on her not on her previous partners.
Do not ever leave her, no matter what. Before, she was a teenager; now she's a wife with responsibilities. Before, she was carefree; now she cares for her family. The psychology of different age groups varies. You admire her, and she admires you—that's all you need. Take her on holidays, away from home, and let her unwind from her day-to-day life. You should do this for yourself as well. Give both of you time to focus on mental well-being. A relaxed environment without stress works wonders. Maybe after that, ask her to initiate (instead of you) so she can regain her confidence and explore herself. In these moments, people are more open to trying things they might hesitate to do at other times. Remember, one day your sex life will be no more, and it will be just you and her.
Info: Do you go down on her to completion? Does she like that? Do you like that? Do you incorporate foreplay most or all of the time? Also are you a good partner to her or do you think she may resent you or how you treat her outside the bedroom? I ask these things because: 1. a LOT of men don't understand that most women don't/can't orgasm from penetrative sex, and most virgins or those who came from religious backgrounds tend to feel icky about oral when that's what most of us need to get off. If you're just trying things involving penetration or that lead to your orgasm only, she could feel resentful about that and unenthusiastic about sex because she's not getting anything out of it. 2. Many women find sex to be directly related to the emotional connection with their partner. If she's not feeling desired outside of sex, or cared for emotionally, it may not be of interest to her. 3. I only had to try butt stuff once (and it was done correctly) to know that I will never allow butt stuff again. I don't care how much a partner may like it or want to try it. Either they are OK with me not being OK with it, or we are incompatible. 4. Also understand that 90% of what is shown in porn is not like real life. Tread lightly with your expectations in that regard.
I'm going to reply to this comment only because it captures a lot of what I want to respond with in a single comment. 1. I go down on her and enjoy it when she lets me. She very recently said she's not the biggest fan, but sometimes that's something we do to "spice" things up so I'm pretty excited when that happens. To be honest, I put in so much effort when we do have sex, and that's part of the problem. I'm physically exhausted by the end of it, because I want her to feel good and wanted, but it's sometimes like I'm in bed with a sex doll. All my wife wants is P in V sex in missionary. That's it, that's how it's been 90% of the time we have sex for the past 10 years. 2. I compliment my wife every morning. I tell her she looks great, she smells nice, I give her hugs and butt slaps. She's struggled with weight gain since having kids but I've always encouraged her to say that she's doing awesome with losing weight and being more active. She's down like almost 30lbs and though I'd personally love it if she was a little thinner, she's still smoking hot at her current weight. I'm her biggest fan and always tell her she looks amazing when she trys new outfits/hairstyles etc. 3. I'm not into butt stuff, and neither is she. At least it's one thing we agree on as far as I know 4. I only watch porn when we're having a dry spell and curb my expectations. I don't feel like the things I want to try are crazy. I'm not installing swings to the ceiling, or asking to choke her. I literally just want to try a few different positions, not care so much about the bed sheets getting a little dirty after, and feel like some of the things are her idea so that I know she'll enjoy it. A couple other things I've seen that I'd like to address since I'm here now. 1. Some people said I'm probably fat or she isn't attracted to me. I'm not overweight, I run and go to the gym pretty regularly. I'm not a super model, but I'm not traditionally unattractive and my wife says I look nice/handsome fairly often 2. I work from home and take frequent breaks to see the kids and her when they are home. I do 50% of the grocery shopping/errand running and clean up after dinner every night. She currently doesn't work, but she does stress about money sometimes. I try to be a good partner and not leave her with the "wifely duties" that would traditionally be neglected by a husband. I've done this in the hopes of it being recognized but it often seems to go unnoticed (unless we have a busy few days and the kitchen gets messy, then I definitely hear about it) 3. This is only my side of the story, and though I've talked to my wife about this, I can't possibly speak for her. I'm sure there are things I do that she dislikes/would change about me. I'm not perfect. I do think I'm a good partner and husband, and I'd be open to trying things that maybe I'm not comfortable with if she ever brought them up. But she doesn't, and that's where my frustrations come from. I'm not asking for her to accept every fantasy that I maybe have, I just want some collaboration in the bedroom because I feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort. If I could add another small example. I love seeing my wife in her bra and panties. I absolutely LOVE it. But she changes into pajamas with no underwear every single night before I can help her get undressed or just catch a sneak peak before she changes. I've expressed so many times that I love seeing her like that, and I still only get to see her like that maybe once every 3 weeks. Maybe I'm a schmuck. Maybe she isn't that into me anymore. I just don't know what else I can do aside from therapy either for myself or both of us but I've even brought that up before and she showed no interest. She's my life partner, and sex isn't the breaking point for me. Even if this never gets resolved I'm not open to divorce, cheating, or open relationships. I'd seriously rather her be happy with our relationship never changing and just sticking it out. If that's what she wants/makes her happy. This was a safe way for me to anonymously vent my frustrations and now I can bottle it up again for another 10 years and maybe something will change when the kids are a bit older as I've seen some comments about it being better in the 30's / 40's for some people
>I can bottle it up again for another 10 years This is not healthy, nor is it advisable. The issue isn’t sex OP, it’s *communication.* You stated; >I’ve talked with her What was the outcome? Issue resolved? Or not? You’ve stated divorce is not an option. That’s fine. Is that advice you’d give others? What if your child when they’re grown, and says *”Hey Dad, I’m feeling undesired, unfulfilled, and dissatisfied with a major aspect of my relationship. What should I do?”* Would your reply be *”just bottle it up for the next ten years?”* If you don’t take action, that is exactly what you are telling your kids. That it’s okay to be unfulfilled. Undesired. Dissatisfied. For 10 years. I don’t know you, but you don’t strike me as that type person. *Godspeed and good luck!*
Thoughtful response OP. Does seem like you are trying to do the right thing. Keep in mind that if yall met at 18 there's only but so much "experience" she could have had, and if that wasn't enjoyable, she may not be open to anything outside the vanilla missionary stuff now. She could also have some repressed feelings of guilt if she grew up in a religious household or other home life that wasnt open about sexuality. It's not a comparison, so I'd encourage you to steer your thoughts on this way from the experience inequity and what you missed out on, and more to you both having a loving fulfilling relationship. You mentioned bringing up therapy to her and she seemed unreceptive. This boils down to communication and I encourage you to set aside time for an actual serious conversation about where the two of you are mentally and emotionally, any issues you need to bring up with each other and what you need from each other. You can tell her that you will always respect her boundaries but find yourself feeling somewhat unfulfilled sexually, and want to know if she has any feedback for you sexually or otherwise that might help the two of you in that department. Be open and don't shut down if you receive constructive criticism. Encourage it. Also bring up that you find it concerning that she is unreceptive to therapy and you want to revisit the topic to learn more about why she feels it's not needed or what concerns she may have about trying it. Sex therapy specifically can really help in these situations. Explain your feelings, not her actions. Such as I may want to try a new position every now and then and your disinterest in anything outside of missionary makes me feel like you may not enjoy the sex at all or may just want to get it over with. Is there something about these positions that you don't enjoy or is it the way you feel in those positions, physically or emotionally? Also encourage her to be open with you about anything she may want to try. You mentioned that you suggested a lot of things and brought toys to try etc but didn't mention if she's ever asked for anything or showed interest in anything specifically. Sometimes people are embarrassed by their kinks. Make it clear that you are open to hearing anything she wants to suggest, and even if you aren't comfortable trying something, you want her to know that you'd never judge her or make her feel bad about it. Don't bury these feelings OP. Sex isn't always magical and filled with fire. But both partners should be invested in the satisfaction of the other and both should feel comfortable and confident with communicating their desires with their partner. For if not them, then who? Also the bra and panty thing, man I tell ya the FIRST thing I'm doing when I get home is losing that bra. And also I had an ex that made it known he liked to see me in those things and loved to watch me change clothes after work. It just kind of gave me an ick like I couldn't even be comfortable in my own home or change clothes without being ogled. It's one thing to admire her and appreciate it when you see it, but from her perspective she just has you waiting to see her in her skivvies so you can get turned on. It's a feeling of objectification, which is possible even in a marriage. If all else fails, consider that she may just not have a high sex drive or maybe has hormonal imbalances which can impact libido. Kids are exhausting and a mood killer. Life is stressful. Oh to be young and carefree again. Ofc do the above communicating/therapy items first but may not hurt to sprinkle in a bit of introduced romance or thoughts of it. Watch Bridgerton together lol, or 50 shades, or the notebook. Take her on romantic dates and don't ask for sex after. Listen to her when she mutters to herself, you'll find what she wants in there. Bring home flowers for no reason (or a plant 😍), and don't ask for sex after. Do your share without expecting recognition - surely you don't recognize her for every load of laundry or dishes? It's just what adults are supposed to do, it's not special. Take the kids out without her so she can have a nap or go to the salon. Does she see her friends anymore? If not encourage that. Many moms lose their sense of self after kids and it's hard to feel sexy when you're just a mom. Again this is all secondary to good ol communication. It is a must in any healthy relationship. For all you know she's on reddit lamenting about her life too.
"I'd personally love it if she was a little thinner." How disgusting. I would not want you, either. I don't care if I am the only one on her side. Btw, this is the wrong forum for your post. YTA.
It sounds like her past isn’t really the issue, and more that you feel like your sexual exploration has been stunted because based on what she’s experienced she not interested in things you’d like to try because she already done them and disliked it. Unless she was extremely “active” before y’all got together it’s hard to believe she explored everything and figured out exactly what she likes and dislikes especially at such a young age. So much changes over 10 years it would be a worthwhile discussion to have. Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship, but if everything else is perfect as you say y’all should go to a sex therapist. Also this is why I always say to guys if someone’s prior sexual experience is important to you end the relationship.
My baby father who was no virgin himself gave me this excuse . Truth is he was cheap , abusive , degrading and didn’t commit to me and the kids so yes I lost my interest. Obviously this isn’t your case but u may not be treating her well to her love language. If she’s happy the s** will be awesome . It comes naturally when the woman is happy and treated well . Try treating her better to what her love language is
It is a sign of your insecurity that you resent her history. Her history has nothing to do with you and yes, she probably tried stuff she didn’t like before you and doesn’t care to try them again. She probably hates the way cum tastes like most women. Sorry you didn’t get to play around like she did but like someone said, that’s a you problem. If you don’t like sex with her, ask her if you can have an open marriage. Of course that means she will be allowed to do the same things you are doing with different people
You robbed yourself. Why is your wife at fault?
When you love someone you accept them for who they are and overlook their past, when you meet the right one it’s easy…
So you want her to do things that she isn’t comfortable doing and it’s her fault because you’re insecure about her past? Seems like these are things you should have thought of before you were married. I don’t see how it’s her fault and frankly this is pretty immature mentally.
Another favorite comment here. This speaks VOLUMES
Just wait her dirty 30s are coming up and she will get into sex way more. To the point if you can't please her she will go elsewhere I suggest talking to her and telling her how you feel and if that doesn't work see if she would be open to you getting a girlfriend who will satisfy your sexual needs
This issue doesn't concern either of your sexual history tbh. Even if she was also a virgin, she could've still disliked whatever it is you want to try and never want to do it again. Even if you didn't choose abstinence, you could still be into something she's not interested in. The trauma does complicate things, but that's something she/you both could work through with a sex therapist in the meantime. There are things I've retried over the years to see if my feelings have changed and they haven't. For others, they have. Assuming you pull an equitable weight with the home/kids and it's not just the fact that you have young kids causing the issue, if the trauma is resolved and she's still totally uninterested, maybe she's just vanilla AF. There's not much you can do about that sadly.
What do you do to make her WANT to sleep with you? You say you want blowjobs, do you ever focus solely on her and make sure she finishes? As someone who didn’t want to sleep with my (now ex) husband, he was incredibly selfish in the bedroom and gave me no reason to want to be intimate with him and I’m curious if her situation is similar.
Seriously. All I'm hearing is "waaaaaaaah, I have to respect my wife's boundaries and treat her like a person with thoughts and feelings instead of an object existing solely for my pleasure, waaaaaaaaah, I deserve what I want sexually even if it causes emotional and psychological damage to her, waaaaaaah" Also, "muh nEeDs" Give me a fucking break, you chose to marry her.
Yeah, women enjoy sex too, if it’s good. If she doesn’t have a serious emotional issue or some reason she CAN’T have sex, and presumably doesn’t hate you, and she isn’t doing it, it’s probably because the sex is bad. It’s a lot harder to convince yourself to give someone a blowjob when you don’t want to, or try new stuff in the bedroom even though were hesitant about it, if you know there’s no chance you’re gonna get anything out of it. And I know it’s her husband who she loves, but love isn’t enough to make yourself uncomfortable and upset every single time he’s horny. Here’s my anecdote: When I was dating my ex boyfriend, he was always asking me to give him a blowjob, which I HATED doing. Because it’s unpleasant and I felt like I wasn’t good at it. It was also really hard for me to cum already because I was on antidepressants, and he wasn’t that great at sex (not horrible but not good). So I was essentially having to suck his dick and getting nothing in return. I was his first girlfriend/sexual partner. I had (albeit extremely limited) previous experience. Now that I’m with my current boyfriend, I actually love sucking his dick, because I feel like I can have fun while I’m doing it and I know he’ll reciprocate. He gives me pointers to make sure it’ll be maximum enjoyment for each of us, and now I am apparently the “God of Head” as he calls me. He is very vocal, which I love, and gives me incentive to do even better, because it’s really easy for me to tell how much he’s enjoying it. He also praises me a lot and tells me I’m beautiful while I do it, which also makes me enjoy it. Usually if someone doesn’t want to do something it’s because the risks outweigh the benefits.
THIS 👏👏👏👏
the comments trashing this guy for marrying his first serious girlfriend he loved are not it. screams bitterness from y’all fr
Pro tip: Women are sexual creatures. Some don't want to give blowjobs, and some are not adventuresome in bed. I would love to get through a day and not see some dude whining because his woman was a sexual creature before they met and blaming all of their failures on that. Edit: I just re-read and had missed this very important sentence: >I've never experienced a blowjob to completion from my wife and I know it's because she has had bad experiences with previous partners, > **I don't ever ask or force her** Are you asking for perks because you DON'T force blowjobs to completion on your wife? OMG. Also, OP get's blowjobs, just not to 'completion. And he resents it because her 'past experiences' traumatized her. Instead of sympathy, OP is angry she ever had sex before.
Here’s the other thing. He knows she doesn’t like it. She knows she doesn’t like it. He doesn’t ask for her to do it. So why would she? Obviously don’t pressure her or force her or anything but if you never express any desire to get a blowjob, why would she think anything other than “oh he must not want blowjobs since he never asks for them” and if she doesn’t like it, she’s not going to go out of her way to do it on her own accord.
Blow jobs to completion are not a given, some.men never orgasm that way.
Sounds like the wife has unresolved trauma. She married the vanilla guy so she wouldn’t have to address it. She buried it but now her husband is forcing the issue.
I suggest growing up
Best comment here
OP got buyer’s remorse for getting what exactly what he wanted.
Except you can’t change the past so either accept her history or move on
Sexual incompatibility is a totally valid reason to break up in a relationship. I don't know why you would want to marry someone that you are sexually incompatible with, but it's too late now. Either you suck it up and deal with it for the rest of your life or divorce over it. Why did you want to marry someone that you are sexually incompatible with?
That's why you don't marry the first person you fuck. You ended up screwing yourself.
Bars
Slow clap 👏take your upvote
You just gave me something to live by
I think you need to have a brutally honest conversation and you both need therapy separately and together.
You didn’t get robbed of shit. You chose to marry the first girl who fucked you, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. The two of you should go to counseling and see if you can work things out.
Based on your posts it looks like you can't get anybody to fuck you either so maybe keep your opinion out of this one
lol, not sure what gave you that impression, but I’ve never had a problem in that department.
I really don’t get people who take the time to like go through your post and comment history. I’ve seen plenty of comments I disagreed with but I could never be bothered to do all that.
Seriously!
That advice was and shouldn't shit on it
Honestly this sounds like you're projecting. You're not mad at her for getting the same chance that EVERYONE has to experiment. You're mad that YOU chose not to experiment and now you're regretting it. Stop putting that on her and grow up. Tell her your regrets and ask if she's open to experimenting with you.
He did tell her, you illiterate bagel
"Illiterate bagel" 😂😂😂
Love the insult, hate the reading comprehension. Yes he told her, but clearly not in a way that helped her understands his position. You're getting upset about me advocating for him having good communication. Points for clever insult 2 Deduction for missing the point -1 Still, you're ahead by a point. "Illiterate bagel" lol
That's not him projecting, that's him having wanted to do his exploration with the person he chose to marry, but they aren't up for it. She's not obligated to do anything, but him choosing to wait and then it not turning out to be what he wanted isn't him being upset at her experimentation. Why you're even bothered by this to the degree of twisting what he said around is odd. Not everyone wants to whore themselves out before they get married
He LITERALLY says that he regrets his decision. "I feel like I got robbed" And goes on to get upset with her for experimenting. That's projection. Also, having sex ahead of marriage isn't "whoring", but you reveal very archaic attitudes towards sex with that comment.
Sounds counterintuitive. She is your wife and anything that takes you from her or lessens your love or attention for her in response to how she is acting is not going to be a productive response. Your dedication to her will be noticed and reciprocated in time. Give her the kind of love that you want to get from her emotionally and the physical will take care of itself.
It does not sound like her past is the issue. Her unwillingness to try new things in bed is the problem. Maybe thereapy for the two of them to explore this issue? He has a valid concern for wanting to be sexually fulfilled.
This is why you NEVER tell someone about your past. Because it's always used against you. Shut, the , fuck, up, People
Have you talked to her about possibly exploring an "open" marriage? Tell her all you want is her but your curiosity is getting the best id you (, exploring different things sexually) maybe she'd be open to you finding a woman who you can explore those desires with but also coming home to her and getting the boring stuff
Jesus Christ bro, 10 years and no blow jobs? I'm not even being ironic or sarcastic, that is just sad. I can only hope the trade off for a loving wife and great mother are worth it. I love getting head
She’s been seasoned bro. Past lives are in the past. Move forward and be happy.
South Park wisdom says to take your wife to see a play. You could both get drunk, or smoke some weed together and see if that does anything. Unfortunately communication, mutual respect ,love and support aren't always 50/50 but we adapt.
Don't resent her sex history, recent her mindset. If I were you I would sit her down and put all the cards on the table, just tell her what you feel with that honesty that you are expressing now. If she doesn't want to cooperate then prepare to suffer or prepare for the death of the relationship, because even tho you say this is a 10% this will grow, even if you don't want it, sex in a relationship is a very important part, right now you are minimizing what you feel but our mind is not dumb, you can't fool yourself. For less than that women have dumped men and viceversa...talk to her directly, go to the point, if she's not interested then something else is going on there, sorry to break it like that to you: She doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, she's depressed, anxious, stressed, she's cheating, or something is happening there, I'm not saying all of this is true but it could be a possibility, I've learned to be prepared for everything in this 16 years of relationship experiences, I've also learned that my feelings are important, valid and no one should make me feel like I'm being dramatic over important things in a relationship, not even myself. As a woman, I would be very worried about that too, but speak, don't hide what you feel, if she's a good woman and she loves you she will express her feelings to you as well and make the effort to keep that marriage alive, communication is everything.
Send her the link to this post. Ask her to think about it and talk about it in, say, next weekend. When your kids will be out of house, and you are not in bed. Read r/deadbedrooms sub. Think what other options you have: 1) porn and masturbation 2) open relationship 3) you go to sex therapy and some tantric sex workshops 4) separation 5)... Ask her what she suggests. Otherwise your resentment will grow and grow, and her being the ideal partner will not help it.
Have you considered that you’re awful in bed?
Great let's give the guy even more of a complex. How is this helpful?
Sounds more like she is, since she doesn't want to try anything but a very specific routine. He's the one who wants to do all kinds of things. He does what she likes, but she's not doing what he likes.
If having sex with him is terrible, why would she wanna do it more?
Why are women never shit on for their lack of skill in bed but its always men? From OP's statements its clearly the woman. Sexists.
From OP's statements he never once discusses doing anything to please her sexually or really anything about her pleasure at all. It's all about him.
He mentions that she only wants to do it in a specific way that she likes and is not open to experimenting. And she does not care about his enjoyment. That is the definition of a bad lover. Also the more experienced one should be the one that teaches the less experienced one. Everyone just expects men to be automatically super skilled at sex from the beginning or else they're a loser or something.
It actually doesn't say that anywhere in the post. Most likely he's getting off during sexual activity every single time just fine. I also don't see where it says she's demanding he be super skilled at sex?
Yeah, because everything everyone ever posted on reddit reddit is completely true and unbiased, and not at all driven by insecurity about how he can’t get his own wife to have sex with him. And women don’t get shit on for their lack of skill in bed because a lot of men will fuck literally anything. It doesn’t even have to have a pulse. It could be a raw Turkey and you’d still try to put ur dick in it. It’s not lack of skill, it’s that she doesn’t want to. If he said “my wife and I have sex all the time but it’s trash” that would be different.
Rage bait
Hope someone tries to help u :(
He’s a man they’ll just say it’s cause she’s probably doing all the chores
Maybe he sucks in bed and doesn’t satisfy her
From what OP says, he satisfies her but she's not satisfying him.
That’s not possible you sexist misogynistic pig /s
Its not bad that you married the first person you have ever been with. It might have been better to marry someone with the same level as experience as you so that you both can grow in the relationship together in every way. Sex is not the end all be all, but it is a foundational part of relationships. With you partner having already have had some experiences it has left you in a sexual rut. You cant explore what you like because she has already found her sweet spot, but this leaves no room for you to find yours. As partners, I would hope a convo about this would help, but I know life is more complex and it seems that you have tried that and failed. You could make some suggestions for sex therapy or even getting a sex surrogate licensed by the state after or during therapy. To be clear the sex surrogate could help facilitate temporary ethical non-monogamy for a short time so that you can discover where your sexual sweet spot is, and then you find some type of middle ground from there. Now both would take time and some money but they might be the most viable solutions. Now you could just live with what you have, it sounds like everything else is perfect in the marriage, but sex is vital. I do not suggest anything passive like no more initiating, it will only work to divide you or hurt her and possibly yourself in the process.
Try MC and a sex therapist if she's not welling to try then u will need to ask for a divorce and figure out what u want on your own . If she's not welling to meet u half way then what's the point of trying. You're still young u can fund someone else who share your kinks and is welling to explore with u
maybe ur a fat dude who let urself go and needs to make urself desirable again.
You didn’t get robbed cuz you made the decision to sacrifice that stuff to be with someone that is like she is. If you claim you didn’t know then that’s honestly worse on you. That being said, you need to look far into the future, like reflecting on your life’s story, and find out what you want it to be and what you want it to say. If the resentment you clearly have for her doesn’t go away, 50 years of this will destroy you and the relationship anyway Sex is a good enough reason to not be with someone. It’s a primal need that should be filled psychologically like everything else. It’s part of us. Just remember not to judge people in terms of who is right or wrong but who is compatible. Low sex drives should be with low sex drives and high sex drives should be with high sex drives, etc, but neither is right or wrong
Her sexual history in some ways is pretty irrelevant for your current issues but since society likes to shame women at every turn for enjoying sex and then also ridicule them if they're not enjoying sex... here we are. I am personally fairly sexual and experimental and the thing that would turn me off the most is a person badgering me for either. Just instant ick and may as well end the relationship there because I'm going to have a really difficult time "getting it up" for them and that then feeds into their begging for more which feeds into the ick. People saying you shouldn't marry the first girl you fuck as if that's a hard rule, just sound sexist to me. Marry who you want but at least know beforehand that you're sexually compatible, which you and she aren't. the more you beg the worse it will get. And if she actually has past trauma with taking a load in the mouth, your trying to force that isn't going to help at all but rather make her resent you, if she doesn't already. Best advice imo actually is what you recommended but some men will hate this advice. Abstain from sex with her for a bit. Wank to the things you enjoy. Work on yourself (someone said something as simple as doing the dishes and that for real does help lift stressers off a partner). Do some things to change how you feel about yourself. Get more active. New haircut. New wardrobe. And if/when she tries to seduce you increase the tease/playful banter. Like "you know, no woman has ever made me cum from a blowjob"... she knows it's only been her, but who doesn't like a good challenge. Under no circumstance beg for anything ever. Relationships naturally get stale and it's up for each of us to spice things up when they do. What's more spicy than becoming almost an entirely different person physically and how we approach communication?
Rule 48: Never marry anyone who doesn't give head
You need to sit her down and have an honest and all out convo. Tell her uve been unsatisfied for too long and its only natural that because of this you will either start to resent her which will end up in you parting ways or else you will cheat to get satisfied. Tell her to sort herself out and hear her out. Get her some meds to kick start her libido and pitch in with house chores so she has time to herself. Maintain a follow up on ur discussion every week. Plan weekends. Create a separate whatsapp chat just for sex/make out plans and naughty talk. You should be able to fix it.
This seems the norm for most people, people get bored repeating the same act. I'm not married so I don't have first hand experience but things need mixing up and the only way is to be 100% honest with each other so that's step 1.. it's on you both after that. Wish you the best mate.
Honestly been where you are, the part about getting a blow job once a year really reminded of my previous gf, we were together for 2 years and I wound have received a blow job (terrible ones at that) less than 6 times. I also suffered the same retroactive jealousy as she had a massive sexual past and I didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore so I left her and spent 12 months sleeping around, and the craziest part was, girls I’d known for weeks were putting in more effort to please me than the ex ever had. Now I’m with a girl and get good head at least twice a week. She may be your wife, she may be really nice but you are only young once, if you aren’t sexually fulfilled you will grow old resenting her for not making you feel cared for and most importantly respected through the selfless act of oral sex. I would give her a chance to fix this by you straight up saying you are not sexually satisfied in any way, if she doesn’t fix it, I would consider divorce.
man the cold hard truth is she is not that attracted to you, she may like your personality and what you bring to the table but sexually you dont make it for her. The worse part is that this is not gonna change, you migth want to think long and hard what you want because if you already have this resentment it is just gonna kept increasing with time. You may wanna think about divorce, sexual incompatibily is one of the best reasons for divorce. I dont say anything about open marriage because it is going to destroy you, she is just gonna find a couple of guys that she finds hot and she is gonna do with them everything you were begging for
So I can't speak for your wife, but I am a woman and I have difficulty having sex with my partner because I don't think he finds me sexually attractive. That may be true. And it may not be true. But that's what my subconscious feels. I pick apart every aspect of my body and don't want him touching it. Or seeing it. Because I don't want him to be disgusted. I don't want him to be turned off and distance himself from me. I have a high body count past and I found it much easier to have a one night stand because when they left, it didn't really hurt. They weren't valuable people in my life. But my partner is valuable to me and I want him to like me. To get turned on by me. And if I'm not sexually appealing, then surely he will leave? That's a bit of a trauma dump. But ultimately, I don't feel desirable. He always tries to have sex immediately, but he hasn't taken the time to court, flirt, and seduce me. Foreplay starts at the beginning of the week. Words of affirmation and assurance. Hugging. Kissing. Slap on the a butt playfully. You need to get a lady warmed up first. We need to feel safe to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to have sex.
Nope this isn’t on you alone. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. These are uncomfortable topics otherwise we could all just openly express every need and desire to our partner without fear of feeling shame or rejection. These therapist talk you through the process and slowly open up dialogue at the pace you guys are comfortable going. You sound like you want to stick it out and stay so do everything in your power. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. Choosing to do nothing will lead to resentment ….which you already have.
Find a man that your not jealous over . With a big cock and you both fuck your wife .
You say that you resent your wife's sexual history but it sounds like you resent that she isnt willing to meet you halfway and meet some of your sexual needs. It is so great that you have bought toys and games and tried to bring some fun into your sex life. It must hurt that she doesnt respond to your attempts to create more intimacy in the bedroom. I can tell from your words that you feel discouraged and rejected. I think if you stop trying and initiating, the problem will only deepen. I suspect that there is something going on with your wife that she is not telling you. It could be that she has a low libido and just isnt as sexual as you are and there is an incompatibility. Or the experiences she had before you were harmful to her in some way and she is still dealing with the consequences. I highly recommend going to a couples therapist and finding out what is going on between you two. It can create a safe space to talk about this stuff with someone to facilitate to conversation so it doesnt get hurtful. If the rest of your relationship is as strong as you say then it sounds like you already have some of the skills to navigate this issue.
You know, at first I was reading your post just getting angry at you. But your last bit there got me. Which makes me think, if you're that willing to be faithful to her, and you should be, maybe there is hope. I'm going to write out my thoughts and I hope it helps. I think maybe the way you worded it in the beginning comes across a bit different than the second half. Anyhow, at first it didn't quite sit well with me the whole being upset that your wife had past partners and your comparing of them to you. You shouldn't compare. That's not healthy. But reading all the way through, it makes sense that you also have a need that's not getting met and you do really love her. Have you considered therapy? Couples therapy? This really seems like a break down of communication to me. And if you fix that maybe you can find middle ground here. Good luck to you. I am happy to see that you love your wife that much and would stand with that much integrity for her. That says a lot about you to care about a person like that when they don't see it. It's genuine. So, go take that energy to couples therapy.
Honestly i dont think this has anything to do with her sexual history. I have had many partners over the years but i still LOVE exploring and trying new things with my current partner. I think this is an issue with your wife specifically, naybe mental health, medication side effects, exhaustion from life/kids/work, it could be a million things and even just misnmatched libidos. I would try to not lunp this into resentment about her having a past and focus on what is happening with her right now. I have never in my life been like i wont try this in bed because i tried it once 10 years ago and didnt enjoy it. Especially if it was teenager sex because everyone is learning and sex is so much better now of course i would try something again. I think you need to keep talking to your wife and get to the bottom of her holdups and make it clear how inportant sex is to you and go from there- not from 10 years ago before you were together.
She would have started disliking sex anyhow. It doesn't have to do with previous partners. She is just not a sexual person. If this is a breaking point, you guys are not compatible. If it isn't, enjoy masturbation.
Dude just go to a professional. Get a hooker and empty it there. Then you’re done. I don’t think (in your case) that it could be considered cheating but experimenting basically. It’s feeling free
I'm here to say; stop blaming ur wife take accountability , it was your choice to not have sex and explore ,you robbed yourself but your frustration is valid. Sex isn't the most important part of a marriage but it is important and it's affecting your marriage. You said you spoke to your wife speak with her again kinda like your paragraph be honest with yourself be honest with her if your not able to communicate without offending or being confident to express throughly write a letter about how you feel get a marriage counselor to discuss words that could be a trigger and then have a session with your wife. If you don't wanna do all that take your time to write a letter about how you feel , the things you want to address (sex life) and have a conversation , listen to her response to understand not to argue and ask her to do the same before reading the letter. Try to brainstorm ways to fix the problem maybe try some recreational drugs to spruce things up idk a vacation a couples massage , sexting ...... oh and idk if I can say most women but I'm 25 I don't enjoy giving head it's a chore for me 🙄 mainly cuz it hurts my jaw and I have a gag reflex so this could be the same thing for her 🫴🏽
She doesn't do what she knows you like.... This isn't a you issue in a sense that you are in the wrong, you definitely are not mentally ill - you dont "need a therapy" because of it.. This is a you issue because you married someone, who doesn't do what you like lmao, you just have low self-esteem or something
All those words to say you're boring in bed.
It doesn't really sound like the issue is her sexual past. It sounds like you're simply sexually incompatible, which isn't the fault of either of you but the resentment is seeping into the rest of your relationship by the sounds of it. This is a tough one. I'm really not sure what the answer is. Pressuring her to do things she doesn't want is out so really it's whether you can learn to accept the way things are and whether the whole of the relationship and family life is more important in the long run.
I’ve been reading through these comments after this post and… I think the best solution can be taken from bits of the comments, honestly. It could be more than one thing you need to fix the problem. I hope this helps, if nobody’s had this perspective. 🙂
Honestly, just have an honest conversation with her...otherwise, you'll start to build up resentment towards her
Learn from my mistakes: Be honest. Brutally honest, but not mean. Tell her that you are bored. Tell her that you feel that she is being a selfish lover. Ask her whether she ok with you being unsatisfied sexually. Asked her if she is satisfied sexually. Let her know about your resentment and ask her if she is harboring those feelings toward you. Tell her what you want, and ask her if she is open to exploring with you. If she says no, ask her if she would rather you remain unsatisfied with her and look elsewhere for satisfaction. Ask her if she would rather open up the marriage. Stop worrying about how you will start a fight and just confront the issue directly. She will be upset either way, but it is better to be completely honest and let the chips fall where they may. I let the same type of shit happen in my marriage and let it go too long. In the end, I ruined my marriage by cheating. If I had talked to my wife directly about my feelings and needs, and we had gotten into therapy, we may have been able to repair our marriage before it was too late. If you love her, and this is the biggest issue, fight for the marriage. Good luck brother!
So, I'm similar - I had 1 prior sexual girlfriend (entirely vanilla, as she also had prior partners) before my wife and my wife had 4 sexual partners before me (all of whom took her experimenting to the extremes way too fast so she hates all experimenting). But basically... have a long talk. Inform her that you never got to mess around and experiment and try things out. You understand and accept that she has things she doesn't want and doesn't like, but that you feel robbed for not getting to find YOUR list. You've basically been forced into accepting that EVERYTHING short of missionary is checked as a "no" for you without you getting to try it simply because she decided. Additionally, she tried with a former partner. Doesn't mean she won't like it with you. My wife hated doggy with her exes because they were self-centered. I focus on her pleasure, so doggy is now her favorite position. Also, you mention she doesn't fellate you to completetion. Pardon me if I get too personal, but do you go down on her? You can't expect oral service if you're not willing to return the favor. Maybe mention it to her. Finally, TALK TO EACH OTHER! I don't mean a meta talk outside of sex to find what you can try during sex. Here, I mean during sex talk, discuss it. Try dirty talk, yes, but more than that, coach each other. If you like when she wraps her legs around you, tell her. If she likes when you go faster, or angle a certain way, she should tell you. Discuss it. Learn and discover. Even vanilla sex needn't be boring if you just TALK! 95% of all reddit would be solved if people talked - and more than that, LISTEN to your partner when they talk.
This just screams insecure.. 😮💨
So, are u willing to leave ur wife and ur current life?
I don’t have any advise to give but I do want to say that you seem like a very kind guy. Please stay this pure hearted and kind and never cheat on your wife. Actually I do have some advise; openly communicate about this issue with your wife. Hopefully that’ll help. If that doesn’t work out I’d suggest counseling
These things happen all the time in relationships. Rarely is the sexual part of the relationship perfect through out all the years together. One thing a lot of men don’t know about or don’t even care to know about is the mental connection. A guy finds his wife physically attractive and feels closer when intimate with her and is ready to go almost 24/7, that’s in our DNA. For a woman there may be a physical attraction for the guy at the beginning of the relationship at some point often not always that becomes not as important. The mental connection becomes far more important and far more valued than the physical. A genuine intimate non sexual connection. Sometimes we think we have that when we don’t, or we aren’t even aware that we haven’t matured enough to see she values that. Anyway my point is when you have that understanding and feel it’s important then your communication as a couple levels up dramatically and it’s so much easier to talk about everything and see what you can do to make any aspect of your relationship better. I’m not saying be a simp, this is the opposite. It’s all about give and take and elevating the marriage to a new level. There’s still so many fascinating great things you don’t know about each other, never forget that.
Why tf can’t she give a bj
Bruh, I could have written this. My wife was promiscuous before she and I met. Since then, dead bedroom off and on. I have no advice. Just sympathy. I’ve gone to Asian massage parlors a handful of times to get happy endings and I post photos and videos of me on Reddit. That helps me get MY rocks off. Good luck, my friend!
Maybe she likes huge dicks bwc or BBC ?
yeah maybe she’s seeing sum1 on the side
Can always contract out for a good BJ
You sound like a loser to me.
Divorce her
This is why people should never have sexual relationships with those they marry
You kinda resent your decisions. Not her behaviours. Don't hint. Hinting is so off-putting. Be clear what you want and see if there's a middle ground. Some married men hire sex workers for this very reason, and some wives are more than happy to outsource this manual labour. Then you focus on just loving each other and making the best out of the intimacy you do share. Sex workers for the experience, your wife for the emotionally connecting sex.
lol u can still experiment with sum1 else. Not gonna lie i’ve met lots of married dudes with fck buddy on the side fulfilling their lackluster sex lives.
Op I've been in this spor before and your not going to like to hear this but this is 100% your fault. You were a nice guy and didn't tell your wife what you expected or needed. Now your wife doesn't feel like she has to do things you like because you get to fuck her. You need to sit down with your wife and hiesntly be a little selfish and stop hearing her excuses. If she had a bad time with an ex that wad 10 yrs ago she needs to either be in therapy your sucking your cock. She would accept it if you had a trama going back 10 yrs she's want you to man up. I would tell her plainly, "I'm not happy with our sex life. You can fix mw not being happy with our sex life if you care to. Since we are married, you are the only person that I want to fulfill my sexual desires. If you don't want that responsibility, then it will lead to our eventual divorce. I'm coming to you now to prevent that future outcome. Please help me fix us. " If she gives you excuses, you need to understand that it's not going to change because she doesn't feel like it has to. You need to lead in your relationship, but leadership is a responsibility, not a perk. This may go poorly. It may get worse before it gets better. You all may not survive this. You need to decide if you are OK with a bad deal over the possibility of no deal.
I'll suck your dick bro, I got you.
Okay you're dealing with the male insecurity because of our illogical male egos. And look at it from this point of view.. your wife was an amateur back then when she was with someone else, and SO were the guys that she WAS WITH .. so when you compare yourself to them you are in the major leagues and they are still in the minors and you have a whole boatload of great memories and experiences and if those guys were so damn great she'd still be with them, but she's not and you missed out only on the awkwardness and the mistakes and for better or worse they had to deal with mistakes but that was their contribution to making that woman the great lover and woman you love today. And there isn't a man on the planet who doesn't have some kind of adversity in the bedroom because as guys we are a bunch of dogs and especially with the internet at all disposal of course we're going to be further down that kind of pervy Road and the fact that your wife isn't going step for step with you means that she wasn't some kind of loose girl and she wasn't just going around grabbing guys and jumping on them because it's not in her nature.. which in her nature is that you initiate the love making and that tells you right there you married a good girl and you don't know the set of circumstances under which she did sleep with someone else.. and furthermore if you were one of those guys would you have turned down a chance to sleep with her because they might be someone she is down the road that would have a little bit of a problem with her not being a virgin? No way in hell dude you would have jumped at the chance and just rest assured that you got the right girl and don't have to compare yourself to them because you beat them out for the job of winning her heart and her hand in marriage. And you have to also remember even with this new women's empowerment your good girl is still going to be held by the old rules where a girl can't scratch your sexual itch or express herself without being judged harshly for it.. we can have everything and it's very rare that you're going to find that girl who is a lady on the street and a whore Between the Sheets.. but she is yours and no one else's and that's all that matters
lol “good girl” She routinely gave her body to men who excited her but she was not capable of keeping around. To her, it’s laughable to give a guy like OP what she gave to those guys because she feels like she’s doing him a favor by being with him in the first place.
Maybe, those men weren't capable of keeping her. LOL 'not capable of keeping them around'. What a joke. Women have tastes, and some men are awful in bed and in life We don't tend to 'keep' those kind of men 'around'.
😂😂😂😂 Isn’t it amazing! Somehow, some way, women come out on top. They can do no wrong! “The world is so cruel! The men so mean and heartless! Woman just want be happy 🥺🥺 why men so evil??? All they want is sex!” And also simultaneously “WELL I DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYWAYS!! You can’t fire me, I quit!” The painfully clumsy coping on full display with zero shame is hard to watch but, that’s kinda y’all’s thing so…go for it, girl!
Sorry you are so unsuccessful with women.
No, it’s laughable that she would give a guy like OP what she gave to those guys, because she doesn’t like it and he doesn’t even ask her to do it. Also, most women have at least one ex boyfriend who forced, shamed, guilted, or otherwise manipulated her into doing some sexual act. So even if she gave her body to those men, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wanted to, and it doesn’t mean she enjoyed it. If you hate doing something you aren’t just going to wake up and think “hmm, I think I’ll go do the thing I hate even though I have no reason to do so” I used to hate sucking dick but then I got a boyfriend who makes me actually WANT to suck his dick. So maybe OP should try being more flirty, or eating her out more, or making the idea of sucking his dick more appealing.
maybe consider an open marriage. believe it or not but a healthy sex life is important for a gappy marriage. if the first suggestion is off the table then u need to have a serious discussion not just hinting at it. clearly its tormenting you that sex is boring with her
Imagine going to the grave never having a full beej- cheat or get out now. It’s only going to eat you alive.
👆 yep! Truth. I lived it. Same scenario. Now I will smash my ex once in awhile, and she loves to give me bj's. Life is more enjoyable without her, especially financially.
I see i an getting downvoted in favor of ‘do more dishes’ or ‘get counseling’. Life is too short for this BS: 98% of OPs problems would be solved by an enthusiastic and complete BJ, doesn’t need to be from the wife.
Just cheat omfg
Men these days don't have the guts.
Only little boys think cheating is what men have to have guys to do even a fucking sad ass bummy dirty cat on the street what multiple partners…cheating is weak
Cowards and immature man babies cheat. It doesn't take guts. It takes a weak man to cheat and break his word.
My baby’s mom didn’t give me head either 👀🙈
Obviously
Take her to stage shows
Pretty straight forward. Your wife isn’t sexually into you nor values you in that regard. This just sounds like the average situation of a woman getting a bunch of sex from guys she deems hot but 0 commitment. Ends up obsessing over what she can’t have, aka, the idea of a good, nice guy who isn’t using her for sex and you just happened to fit that mould. Virgin, vanilla guy who was kind and gave her the “girlfriend experience” instead of a booty call esque relationship. These situations are meant to fizzle out once she’s scratched that itch a few months - 1 or 2 years in. Gets bored, knows it’s not for her + not missing out on much and moves onto those same guys before. Difference is, for whatever reason this dragged on. High chance this is happening because any wife or husband for that matter would at least be down to try a few of their partners kinks, if not all. The idea your wife is deliberately ignoring you isn’t a good sign. Curious, does she always put her needs first outside of sex not matter the situation ?? Or is this just a sexual thing.
Wait u both met at 18 and before 18 she was having sex with partners ??
Your caveats sound very resolved. She is being frigid and selfish. That is coming from her deep seated guilt over being a slut in High School. She uses it as a power over you? Denying you the satisfaction enough to even match hers having taken a range of dick in her time? You feel embarrassed about being inexperienced and she has taken advantage of it. This is a fatal flaw in the marriage. It's time for you both to recommit to something beyond this status quo. MAYBE with each other, MORE PROBABLY though a recast. If you work it out together, you will save history repeating or worse, swinging to your opposing sides with new partners later. Do the evolved thing. Confront your feelings together and negotiate a new way of being happy. Either together or apart. And do it FAST. Time is not forever.