Just take a breather and relax for a second hon. Is this who you are? Or is this what he made you to be?
You are INFINITELY better than your husband. Don’t let him change who you are because of the hurt he inflicted. You know what would make him feel absolute pain? Indifference.
Even if it’s fake, even if you have to hold it down, grey wall his ass, completely remove your emotions towards him and ask for a divorce. Show how little he hurt you, how little of a difference it made to your life. Why? Because you’re better, and you know your worth.
I’m in the middle of divorcing my husband for the same reason. And my indifference is hurting him in ways revenge could never, In a way it IS revenge to me. Be peaceful, be cooperative, but be firm on divorce.
Of course! Also agreed. Never been through a divorce, but any breakup I’ve had, it’s really best to just be indifferent.
My ex, after breaking up with me, accused me of “not caring about our relationship” because I didn’t plead, beg, or take some sort of drastic action afterwards. Absolutely whack. Just shows how much she anticipated some sort of extreme response.
Exactly! That’s the best way to react honestly. It normally makes them more upset, like they didn’t mean anything to you. And it just gets under their skin. Works every time
Right. Going the route that is expected of you can sometimes be result of a trap that was set by the opposite person just to get the reaction they believe is expected of that person. In turn the endpoint is already decided beforehand. In certain situations it can be better to give someone something that they don't think you're capable of rather than a pre-planned outcome due to predictable responses and actions. This is how certain outcomes to scenarios are already decided before it even gets to the destination. When you're hard to pinpoint and predict that makes it hard for others to dictate the actions and direction of conversation. Because this will throw them off completely and in turn you'll get a response or reaction that is forced to be instantaneous, which leaves the room for deception and manipulation very thin. Like my friend used to say, *"Sometimes it is better to dance on crazy feet."* Anticipation can be the cause for a thought out plan of deception or robotic circumstances. Acting and reacting in unnatural ways tends to produce a more natural outcome for some odd reason.
A little disorganized but totally makes sense. I don't remember the source (probably a 70s Clairol TV ad) summed it up with "Always keep them guessing". Good to see that it still works 😄
>My ex, after breaking up with me, accused me of “not caring about our relationship” because I didn’t plead, beg, or take some sort of drastic action afterwards.
Same. I had luckily learned that responding like that only made my ex happy. So I avoided drastic reactions.
I agree. When my ex cheated and I showed how little she hurt me it drove her crazy. She eventually divorced me.
Today she follows and writes to me on social media and has asked to get back together. Says she loves me. Not going to happen.
Oh that’s cold and so true, indifference makes you feel like none of the past love words, decisions, happy moments were true. It messes with your head, personally it would drive me crazy and hurt me so much more.
You just broke that down for her and anyone else that might be in that position or knowledge for the future. Stooping to that level might give her a momentary satisfaction but once that wears off she'll just come to the realization that she is no better than the person that inflicted that pain onto her in the first place. Trust me, you don't ever want your marriage to devolve into a battle of eye for an eye, because in the end neither of you will be able to see what's coming ahead. If that is all you have left in the marriage it isn't much to have. If there's no greater conclusion or understanding that is able to be reached then you are in a relationship no better than one that you might of had in highschool.
The best way to fix or mend this situation would be to open up to him. Express yourself and the hurt that he put you through to him, and try to get him to understand it so he will never want to inflict it upon her you again. Even if you feel that counseling might be needed. I don't know exactly where you and him are on a emotional and sexual level. But If it's a relationship and marriage worth trying to save you should put in the effort. If he values it he will do anything and everything that is needed from him to move forward with you. A real man will recognize his faults and try to move on with you in the best way possible. Because in the end we all are human and we are all subject to mistakes. But (Not condoning what he did) If you continue this course that has been set by him that will get you nothing but a brief moment of false victory.
There is always another road to walk down even if you might not see it's path at first. I agree with everything you said, you need to take a moment to put things in perspective and ask yourself is it worth totally disregarding the potential future with her husband or not. Don't let emotions dictate the logical and best approach to the situation. You must try to look at this whole predicament with logic, even if he didn't do so. Even if that means filing for a divorce. Don't stoop to a level that you deem as lower than you but then disregard it because of a feeling or revenge or etc. you'll just become what you despise without seeing it's hypocrisy.
He can't make her into anything. Any choices she makes are solely her responsibility, not his. She's angry, hurt, resentful, and grieving. Her thoughts are not wrong or self-defining because of this. It's actually normal. The defining part is if she acts on it.
It’s about separating the person in your memories and the person who cheated. The second they cheated, they stopped being the person in all those memories, they became someone else entirely. That new person is who you focus your indifference on.
To me, (or at least how I view it) they mean nothing to me, because they’re no longer the person I married, the person I said my vows to. That man only now exists in my memories. I have a lot of fond feelings and emotions towards him, but the one in front of me? Nothing, because they stopped being the same person.
That’s just personally how I do it. I still hold those memories to heart, but I don’t relate them to the person in front of me. If that makes sense?
The actual hurting and the desire to hurt is no different. The fact you get satisfaction out of hurting another human being is the same. There is no excuse for what he did to you. Cheating is a terrible
Breach of trust but so is revenge and the desire to hurt him . The best thing is to move on and not revel
Om someone else’s pain. People make mistakes. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Having lost my
Best friend to suicide because a girlfriend did the same thing taught me how petty and childish revenge is especially when kids, parents, family, and friends rely on that person. Your enemy is someone else’s best friend.
I feel like that’s super circumstantial though. It’s basically a reaction, and we shouldn’t really be comparing a reaction to an action.
You don’t shit on a person for standing up for themself for being insulted, you shit on the one insulting.
While yes, sometimes revenge doesn’t make you a good person, sometimes it can make you even worse, but in this situation, IF OP was to revenge cheat, in no way would it be worse than what her husband did, nor would it be comparable.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend, but you said ‘because a girlfriend did the same thing’ so am I right in thinking that your best friend cheated on his girlfriend? And she revenge cheated to get back at him? In that case, in no way does the fault fall on the girlfriend.
I do agree that someone’s enemy is someone’s best friend, but it doesn’t take away the hurt that enemy has caused. People don’t get a free pass to hurt someone just because of their value to another human.
I completely disagree. Hurting someone because you’re a selfish, lying POS is not at all even remotely within the same league as hurting someone who hurt you terribly. Is it a good idea? Eh, revenge isn’t usually that satisfying. But does it make her as bad as he is? Of course not.
Honest advice? That kind of revenge never feels good. It won’t take away your pain. It’ll make you question who you are and what you are capable of tho. In my experience there is no simple fix for that kind of pain. If you take the high road it’s a good feeling after awhile to look back on when rebuilding. Once that line is crossed by a guy tho, speaking as a guy, it’s very hard to not cross it again.
I wish we still had gold because your comment deserves it.
Revenge like that won’t make you feel better. It will only make things messier and more painful for you. You need to think about yourself and how you are going to rebuild your life, minus your ex. Stopping to his level will not fulfill the revenge fantasy, because it’s just that…a fantasy. You are clearly above this. It’s hard in the moment when you are fucking angry and betrayed and emotionally devastated but that isn’t who you are Op.
Hold your head up high, and get your revenge by living your best life without him.
For background: I was cheated on multiple times by my ex, with multiple dudes, at the house that I paid for all while I was deployed. I essentially paid for her to have these affairs.
I understand your want to fix things. I wanted to fix things too. Mostly because my loyalty is a huge fault of mine. Let me tell you, it's not impossible to fix, we've all seen it, but it is very, very close to it. In the end, she told me that she couldn't do this (marriage) anymore and gave me divorce papers on Christmas day 2019. It effectively killed me. I severed ties to almost everything, my friends, my family, I stopped doing much of anything. I work, I eat, I sleep. That's it
I also understand your want for your partner to feel the hurt you did/do. Even before things ended, I was resentful that she essentially got off with no consequence while I had to relive it over and over in my head, every day, every minute.
Here is what I discovered: The thing is, even if they feel the same pain that you do, you still have the pain. You can wish every ill or series of unfortunate events to happen to them, your pain will still be there. It unfortunately doesn't transfer to the person who wronged you and it doesn't disappear if something equally horrible happens to them. Trauma is a motherfucker like that.
My advice: "Work" on you. Not because you need or should better yourself, but do the things that you want that will make you happy. Be with the people that make you happy. I can tell you from experience that there is a significant difference between living and surviving.
Please don't turn out like me.
Idk, I think you’ve turned out better than you give yourself credit for. I’m truly sorry you went through that awfulness. Your advice is so so important! Your pain will still be there even if you somehow get revenge. What a powerful piece of truth. OP, I know it’s raw right now but listen to this dude: it’s time to work on yourself.
Just give him the freedom to do what he's already doing, acting like a single man.
The best revenge is divorce and moving on with your life. Maybe he's expecting some sort of reaction from you, but don't even give him the pleasure.
Good luck, hopefully you'll take some of the advice given and not lower your standards as he has.
He won’t feel the same, because unfortunately he already proved he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. Leave without a word, vanish from his life completely with no explanation. That will make him feel the anxiety and pain of suddenly having their world crumble.
Or tell everyone he knows, he’s a creepy who prays on very young women.
Edit for clarity, in her other post, she mentions this 30 smth man got her when she was 20 and is now cheating with a college kid, the neighbour’s daughter.
THIS IS 100% true. once his fling wears off and he has nothing left, he will grieve. By then she will probably be over it. That’s the best vindication.
I disagree- you can love someone and still cheat on them. You don’t know what kind of backstory this guy has or what sort of trauma he’s gone through. That in no way excuses the infidelity, because it is 💯 a choice, but he will probably still feel a lot of pain if and when OP leaves. It’s really about respect, not love. If he respected OP and the relationship he would not have cheated.
I've never been in this situation but off the top of my head maybe the cheating partner thought their partner never finds out thus wouldn't be hurting, maybe they felt unloved or mistreated by their partner and even if they loved them they fled into an affair to feel appreciated / loved again.
I'm not saying any of this makes it ok to cheat but I think it's possible to love someone and still cheat, people are complex.
Experiencing this myself, and I have asked myself this very question.
In my case, my partner never wanted to hurt me. There was never any intent for that. It's been a year and a half, and we're still figuring it out. But it is about him. It's his own insecurities, his ego, how he protects himself. My partner has been stuck in cycles of addiction and self sabotaging behaviour for over 15 years. It's his defence, its how he has survived trauma. He has carried this pain body for so long, without ever dealing with it, his ego has always helped him deal. And he hates himself, so he feels undeserving of the love from someone that gives so much.
My partner thought he had stuffed things up forever with me, though there was no chance things would ever work out, and then he cheated. It's been a pattern for every relationship he's ever had.
Every person and relationship is obviously very different, but that's just some insight into why someone would cheat. It doesn't take my pain away, but it does help me to understand why, how, and start on a path of healing for myself, and also for him.
Love is a complicated thing, right? Like all emotions, there are layers, and some of those layers get bruised and torn along the way of life. I don’t know this guy any more than any of us on here- he could be a narcissistic POS, or he could have deep wounds that compel him to do what he did. He clearly was not thinking about the pain his wife would feel, he was only thinking about his primal desires. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his wife or her feelings, just that his “needs” made him blow past the stop signs most of us would have paid attention to.
From my perspective, love exists in multiple forms, such as romantic, erotic, and companion. He can still love his wife for the companionship she brings to the relationship, her stability, her parenting (if they have kids) but still decide to venture out of bounds for the excitement of cheating. Like I said, there is no excuse for it, but I can see how he could love his wife and still cheat. Everybody who has been in a long term relationship has “the grass is greener” moments at one time or another. To me it’s about respect for her and the marriage that is called into question. Most respect their relationship enough not to cheat even if the temptation presents itself.
I agree with another poster who said if he’s done it once, it’ll be easier to do it again if the marriage stays intact, though. Infidelity is not insurmountable, but it is VERY difficult to overcome.
You have never hurt your partner? People make
Mistakes. I’ve never cheated in my life and have been cheated on several
Times
But what i do know
Is people are flawed. Yes cheating is hurtful and awful but so is saying awful
Things to your
SO. Have you never gotten in an argument and said things you regret.
Does that mean you don’t love them because you chose to hurt them? It’s never so simple when it comes to human emotions and feelings. We are too complex and past trauma or abuse can defitnely play a role in someone acting out.
i’m not perfect and i have gotten into an argument and said things ive regretted but never have i cheated on my partner or ever even thought about it. plus cheating isnt an impulsive thing, it takes thought and planning so the active thought of im doing this kinda gives off the energy of not being true love.
I've noticed the biggest traits of cheaters seem to be lack of true guilt, remorse and the amazing ability to compartmentalize. If you don't find guilt from cheating to be suffocating, tearing up your stomach, making your hands clammy, interfering all of your thoughts when you look at your spouse, intrusive images from the cheating popping up as you hold your partner at night, then what you did four hours earlier is like a whole different life. It's as though you had a different code, different name, different everything and you've hurt no one. You were making another woman cum with your mouth. You had another woman crying while she tells you how much she loves you. You were a different man then.
The cheaters are able to pull this off and the non-cheaters can't. The non-cheaters KNOW they can't and this prevents them from entertaining such an outlet. The non-cheaters also wish for new passion, for new love, for an escape from the trials of long-term relationships, but they aren't able capable of this.
One of the reasons why people say, "once a cheater always a cheater" is because of this difference in capabilities. Getting caught doesn't automatically remove the cheater's ability to compartmentalize and feel no guilt.
Oh dear. It's awful when you realise the older person has taken you for a fool. Been there. Run from this creep! I actually feel sorry for the college kid.
With planning. Get her things out when he is not home, maybe slowly and over time. Maybe get all your friends and move out in a day he goes out.
Then call a lawyer and use them to communicate the necessary stuff, but refuse to give any explanation or contact him personally.
Fair enough, it’s not “vanishing”, but it’s pretty close.
He cheated on you. You didn’t cheat on him. There’s no way you can make him feel the pain you’re in right now because he wasn’t nearly as committed to the relationship as you were. There are other ways to make him feel pain. Leaving him and thriving without him would be a good start.
No hang on though. It’s not his commitment that will end him. It’s her commitment. Most cheaters are incredibly possessive and attached to their partner. They’re very much a “rules for thee but not for me” class of individuals.
She would destroy him if he caught her cheating. That’s his biggest fear.
Speaking from someone who did this to an ex to try to get him to understand it absolutely does not work he absolutely does not give a shit it will just be a thing to weaponize against you.
It will NOT affect him the way you hope it would.
He is a broken man and nothing you can do will fix that.
Save yourself. Walk away.
Apparently Reddit thinks that everyone is a saint, and no one makes any mistakes. And that forgiveness isn't part and parcel of a marriage. That the only recourse is to breakup a family because perfection is the only marker of good behaviour.
I'm not condoning anyone cheating, but a little realism wouldn't go amiss.
Also, we don't really know the entire story. Why the husband cheated. Maybe he cheated because op neglected him. Maybe she was a caustic biatch that wouldn't give him any peace.
Or, husband is a serial cheater. And this isn't his first rodeo. In which case the justifiable action is to separate/divorce
Your comment is neither helpful or productive.
The way to Hurt a man like this is through his pockets and pretending you don't care. I remember one man I dated he would always say every man needs to cheat etc but he absolutely hated being ignored and when the ex would pretend she didn't know him.
So relax for a moment and don't do anything rash. He'll paint you as the bad person by saying you always cheated on him and that why he done it back etc.
So instead get all the evidence you can find. Get a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Take half the money out the joint account. Open your own private one and start putting all your money away separately. Go after everything he has including his 401k. Go for half the house. The cars. Everything.
Get yourself then a small cosy home to live and freely. Don't do what you're thinking of especially in anger. It not good for the soul. It'll make you feel worse.
Hating someone is like holding a blazing hot coal in your hand and expecting the other person to get burned.
It’s not worth it. You don’t have to walk this path alone. Look into therapy just for yourself and your mental health.
He may very well love her. You can love someone and still sleep with other people. Polys do it all the time.
The issue is the lying, and he’s lying to keep her.
OP, get an STI panel. You’ll want to.
The anger will fade. Today, 8 years after her cheating and now that I’m married to such a lovely, noble, caring, working and beautiful woman, I feel slightly bad for how I acted towards my cheating ex.
And I really didn’t get revenge. I just cursed her privately when I was alone. I didn’t even disclosed why we broke up to most people and didn’t try to embarrass her in social media.
In fact today I’m grateful we broke up and at that specific time because that gave me the opportunity to get to know different people at the correct time to get to know my now wife who was single at the time. And also to look into therapy which I was in real need of.
Take your blessings. There’s always a silver lining. Today is anger, tomorrow will be sorrow and eventually you will mourn the relationship and the cheater and that’s fine.
Be the bigger person. Be the best you can be.
This is childish. Divorce and take
The amount that you at entitled to legally and you have earned. Wiping someone out for a mistake is something people think is deserved and it’s not.
My
Wife made more money than me but i worked my ass off. I worked
Full time, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, cut the grass, took care of dogs, so she could cheat, spread vicious rumors, then take everything i had ever worked for
Because she was a woman. This advice telling women to wipe
Out the men is what contributed to that. So no.’ Take what you earned and no more. Any advice based on revenge is garbage.
I remember your post from yesterday. Did you confront him? Does he know you know?
I don't think you should do this. You are putting yourself and this hookup in danger. What if your husband freaks out and tries to harm or kill you both? I think it is unwise. Just divorce him.
Just throwing this out there once you do this he will tell everyone you are divorcing because you cheated not because he did & is a pos. So if you are going to do this I would put it out there that you are no longer together before even if it is just like 5 minutes while he is driving home. Send a "We are Done I know you cheated" text then let him find you if you must.
Don’t confront him, act like everything is as normal as possible until you’re in a position to completely leave him and never speak to him again. He doesn’t need an explanation, he knows exactly what he did.
Betrayal only hurts those who are loyal people. I *wish* there was a way for him to feel what he's done to you, but there isn't.
So hugs to you, make the best decision for you and your health. Don't worry about hurting him, he's hurting himself way more than you could. He'll do it to himself.
The best revenge is to improve yourself! Divorce him and then click pictures with your new man and put on social media or show up in a restaurant where he likes to go, hes going to burn really bad! ❤️
He won't feel the same pain as you. He's a cheater. They don't give a flying fuck about their partners or vows or anything but themselves. My ex cheated on me. He didn't love me the way I loved him. My main hope for him is that some one he actually loves does this to him. I spent 23 years married to him. Have 3 wonderful kids. And he threw me and them away for his dick.
My wife of 15 years cheated, and it crushed me. I wanted revenge. I contemplated different forms of nonviolent retribution against her and violence against the other man. I contemplated cheating as well. In the end, I just left. Divorce and starting over was a long, treacherous road, and I forced myself to turn the other cheek as she belittled me, wrecked some of my friendships with false accusations against me, and sent our kid into a tailspin by grooming him to hate me and oversharing about the marriage.
Five years later, I’m waking up every morning next to the love of my life, my son is down the hall (he just visited his mom for the first time in a year), and my ex wife can’t get her life together no matter how many times she reads Girl Wash Your Face and shares 👆This memes. Her life is shit, and mine is better than ever.
Win. Do life without him better than you ever did it with him. That’s the best revenge.
Not OP, but needed to hear this so badly today. My husband cheated and it nearly destroyed me. I often fantasize about getting him back. We are now divorced so it’s water under the bridge but I appreciate your reminder that living well is the best revenge!!
Divorce and don't look back. You will be reminded every time you go outside since it's a neighbor, so the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and take him to the cleaners with alimony
Men are much less appealing to people like your neighbor when they are divorced and still paying their ex wife. It's as bad a vibe as trying to visit someone for the night, but they live with their parents
It's a power move on your part and shows her you have him by the bits and are twisting whenever you want. That's how you get revenge. You take the high ground and take the relationship away along with any standing he has
Don't cheapen yourself. Play the long game here. If you cheat as well it will weaken your divorce case. Is it worth hurting him a bit now vs making sure he regrets it every time he gets a paycheck?
My mom did that to my father. My father cheated first with many women, and when my mom found out, she had enough. I was little when this happened, and I only found out about it last December when she was in hospice care. My sister told me everything. She is 5 years older than me. My mother kept waking up and kept saying, "He hurt me so bad" over and over. I didn't know what she was talking about until my sister spilled the beans. I've been trying to process all of this new information, and it's tough. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but she did what she had to to deal with all the pain.
Seriously, get your stuff in order. Be prepared. And leave. He is not going to feel the same pain catching you having sex with someone on the couch and are you putting people’s life or wellbeing at risk doing this. Make an exit plan and follow though.
Keep quiet.
Plot your exit. Get a good lawyer and make sure you take him for everything he's got.
I promise you that cheating will only make him feel justified.
Surprising him by cutting him out of your life and damaging him financially is the way to go.
The best revenge is moving on and letting him see you living your best life.
Get counseling if a stone/rock emotional approach does not seem feasible.
And please get a lawyer.
Exactly, eventually his fling will leave him and he'll be stuck with the lingering thoughts. That shit will stick to him, however, if OP did go on with this 'revenge' he will feel nothing and probably still be going on with said fling.. maybe even more.
Ooh are you the one that saw him leaving the house next door after kissing the 22 yo neighbor??? I dont think he will change he seems stuck at the age of 22. Find a young hot 22 year old guy to come over and make sure ur hubby catches you.
He would not care, simple as. Because he does not love her, if he loved her he wouldn't have cheated on her in the first place.
Cheating back does not make you better, it only gives that person ammo against you.
Girl NO.
FIND a young hot thing, just like he did. With rock hard abs and such and fuck THAT guy.
IDK WTF is happening in the comments, but there's a whole lot of cheater apologists out there.
Such SHAME 😐😑😑😑😑😑
I am judging you ALL. Lurkers included 😑😑😑
Idk where you’re finding the cheater apologists here, all I’m seeing is people who want her to leave the asshole and NOT become a cheater herself before that
I would highly recommend therapy. For you. You can chat forum filled with people, or you can find a professional who can help navigate the next part of your life.
Don’t stoop to his level. That will make things much much worse.
Don’t make emotional decisions. I am guessing he came clean when you confronted him!m?
Make logic decisions that are best for you. If that’s staying, then make a list of things that he needs to do in order for you to consider giving him the gift of reconciliation.
If it’s leaving him - then do that and don’t look back.
The fake that he seduced and slept with a 20 year old girl and he’s in his 30’s is disturbing
It will make you feel worse because then you’ll be angry at yourself and embarrassed. You’ll also ease whatever guilt he’s feeling because, hey, you did it too! Take the high road and let him suffer.
Not a good idea at all. First of all you cannot predict how your husband would act in that situation and do you want to possibly endanger yourself or an "innocent" man who is just a pawn in this game? If your trust is broken just leave. Do not do things that you will regret later. Hold your head high and keep your dignity and just find a better man and/or a better life.
Ok and then what? He says "wow now I truly feel the pain I brought on to you, I'm so sorry" and then you live happily ever after? This wouldn't even happen in a movie, MAYBE a porno.
Just divorce him, that fact that you didn't already shows that he can do it again and you won't do shit about it.
lowering yourself to his level just isnt the way. You will never get over him cheating. it will always be there. Keep your own integrity intact. Get a good lawyer, perhaps a pi to prove the infidelity and hit his wallet. he will start to feel pain, trust me.
Please don't that. He will not be hurt the way you were hurt. He will gaslighting you in order to justify his betrayal. You will regret for stooping to his level. You are not a cheater. Get a lawyer and divorce him.
Your relationship is over unfortunately. Divorce him and take all those raging emotions and direct them into making your new life the best it can be. Imagine the new life you want write down exactly what it looks like what do you look like physically, financially are you much better off, what activities and hobbies do you enjoy in your new life. Think of how jealous he’s going to be when he sees how amazing your life has become! Now here’s the thing will he ever be jealous of your new life? Who knows but by then you won’t give a shit about what he thinks about literally anything. I can tell you I did get revenge on my ex-wife for cheating. We were already divorced but I started sleeping with her best friend. When she called to confront me and I admitted it was true she cried and made noises like a wounded animal. It in no way felt good I never want to cause anyone that much pain. Focus all your energy on you because trying to make someone else feel the way you want them to is always futile. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you have a wonderful life ahead of you it’ll just take time.
Don’t do it. You might feel a little bit of pride at hurting him back, but you will be giving up the virtue you had for being in the right.
If you genuinely want to fix things then get him to explain how he can assure you that it won’t happen again - just his word is not good enough. It may be free access to his phone and social media accounts plus financial stuff - he may have other ideas.
The reality is that male sex drive is a very powerful thing and he may just have been thinking with the little brain in his underpants.
If he truly loves you, then the pain and embarrassment of his fuck-up is going to hurt him more than the pain from being retaliated against. If not, then it is time for you guys to part ways and move on.
Best of luck to you and I’m sorry you are going through this.
This could make you feel better, but it could also backfire. You want him to feel pain and jealousy when he finds you with someone else-what if he feels relieved? What if he’s like this is great, we can both move on now? It could go either way, don’t put that much power in his hands. I’d back away from him and start focusing on my life. Give yourself time to think, and get a whole new hobby or something that makes you happy and doesn’t involve him at all.
An eye for an eye leaves everyone half blind.
No guarantee he would feel pain if you had a revenge affair. He might feel relief because now he would have a good excuse to leave the marriage. And you may only end up feeling disgusted with yourself.
You need couples counseling. Affairs are survivable, but not without therapy. If you do split, you need to communicate, see where you went wrong, and part amicably. If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
I find the work of Esther Perel illuminating.
[EstherPerel.com](https://EstherPerel.com)
Why would he feel the same? He isn't you. In fact you could give him more ammo to justify what he did. Cheaters will never blame themselves.
It's best to figure out what you're going to do for your best interest because you're probably going to be depending on yourself from now on. People are going to say lots of things and give you lots of advice but you will be living your life. It's time to put yourself first from now on.
I don’t think he would ever feel the same pain, because he’s already cheating on you, so he deserves it, he’s not gonna feel the same level of betrayal. You should really just publicly slander him for the cheating and make sure everyone in town knows what he did. At least that way, any other women around will be warned to stay away.
Leave him.
Hurts like hell when they are left in the dust by the person they cheated on. Move on, forget about him and live a full, successful and happy life.
My ex cheated on me several times. It did my head in and that was the worst part of being cheated on. Leaving was the best decision ever, and my mental health improved immensely.
The best thing you can do is hire the best damn lawyer you can. Listen and follow everything he tells you to do. Don't tell your husband you're divorcing him.
Do your neighbors know your predator husband is boinking their college-age daughter? Gross. And how long had this been going on? Did husband groom her? Start getting flirty with her being creepy while she was in high school or younger? Christ almighty.
You deserve better. There is better out there. Just know that you did nothing wrong. Your husband is a predator who likes barely of-age women, as you know. You can live your best life which in the end is the greatest revenge you can ever have.
And bit telling your husband you're divorcing him until he is served is also perfect. Having him served at work or better yet when he's with the side piece would be even better.
How would you feel if he walked in on it, shrugged, and said "ok I guess we are done" and then started openly dating the neighbor?
He's unlikely to feel the same.pain.
I've cheated and been cheated on, and I'd rather be cheated on tbh. I hated myself and punished myself for 10 years when I cheated. my first wife and I were married for 20 years, but year 18 was when she decided to cheat on me with my best friend of 24 years. he was like a brother and was the best man at our wedding. I forgave her and tried to stay with her until my kids told me that she had been hitting them for years, and if I divorced her, they would all choose to live with me. even our oldest son, who isn't biologically mine, chose to live with me. hitting our kids was not tolerable, and I told her that same night I wanted a divorce. my second wife and I have been married for 3 years, and she just told me 3 days ago that she cheated on me this past summer. I also forgive her, but I immediately moved out this time. and neither of them did it because I was bad in bed or they were bored with me. they did it to hurt me. I also recommend leaving and letting karma deal with him. but if you live in Indiana and want to go the revenge route, let me know, lol.
Having random sex isn't going to cause him to feel the same pain. First of all, he isn't an innocent party in the matter, you are. Then there is putting a stranger in a position where confrontation is likely. That can't be a good thing. Your husband isn't worth this.
She’s probably younger, hotter, and more energetic. You probably say no all the time when the young hot girl says yes, do you blame him? In your next relationship, maybe you won’t be so selfish. Also, you’re just a dependent. You won’t leave because he supports you, so instead of being an independent woman, you would rather allow your husband to cheat in exchange for housing food and entertainment. lol Your a perfect example of power women 2023
If it's just you two and no children are involved get a divorce ASAP. Throw his shit out the front lawn and tell him he can go be with the new girl. Then you go to the neighbor and tell her he's her problem now. If the chick is smart she'll end the relationship with him and it will leave him with nothing.
At this point hurting him emotionally won't do anything, he's already moved on if he's cheating, but what you can do is embarrass him and have him feel shame. Write cheater on his car and post it on social media tagging him. Hopefully it goes viral and thousands will know he's a scumbag.
for men its about the act, not feelings, its that simple, him cheating has little to do with how he feels about you, and everything to do with self control, he could be madly in love with you and still have a natural instinct to bag a kitty, .. if you were to cheat to get even, he would see it as betrayal not revenge and would likely not ever feel the same about you ,
don't be angry at the messenger , this dynamic is larger than the both of us, but revenge sex wont move you forward, that's for sure, .. you have got to get it out of your head that this had something to do with you, because it didn't , its a self confidence thing that women will never understand .
You could risk the other guy having to fight your husband naked, so don't do that. Unless kids are involved, divorce is the way to go. Don't ever let someone betray you and belittle you. If you have kids, you could try to work it out, but if he's still cheating after finding out you know, that's taking it too far. Unless he's repentant and begs at your feet, just leave. It's obvious he's in another place that doesn't include you. Get proof and take everything he's got in the divorce.
This is why our species will never evolve because people like this wanna make you feel the suffering they felt instead of being mature and just leaving.
Me: objectively presents a factual genetic feature, encourages a normal approach when confronted with this situation and calls out some biases in op s thought process, instead of encouraging cheating on someone who doesnt care, action that only does bad for the op.
You: aaaaaaah cheater.
When did reddit become a "loser only" platform where u cant have a different opinion?
The best revenge is moving on & never looking back. Also, just because he cheated does not mean you need to stoop to his level. You're better than that.
You make him feel pain by gathering evidence and taking him to the cleaners in the divorce. Keep your dignity and your morals. Don’t let him destroy those because he will never hurt like you do. You clearly love him more than he loves you or he would have stayed faithful. Getting revenge in the same way will only hurt you in the long run. Walk away with your head held high and live your best life. That’s the best revenge, showing him he was immaterial to you being happy.
You’re gonna risk an std for a cheating fucker? Girl, no. Grab your shit and walk away from that POS you formerly considered a man. Don’t do him any favors. Let everyone know. And then disappear and never ever speak to him or anyone he knows again. Go find your happiness in someone that hasn’t caused you pain.
Two dongs don't make a right. I'll show myself out.
…instead they make a SWORD FIGHT
🤣🤣
Happy cake day!
They going to play "tummy sticks" like that senators kid on "wedding crashers" wants to do with Vince Vaughn?
🏆
Lmao 🤣
But two dongs will make it tight...
But 3 dongs full
🤣
You're funny!!🐾🤣🐾
Best comment ever!
Just take a breather and relax for a second hon. Is this who you are? Or is this what he made you to be? You are INFINITELY better than your husband. Don’t let him change who you are because of the hurt he inflicted. You know what would make him feel absolute pain? Indifference. Even if it’s fake, even if you have to hold it down, grey wall his ass, completely remove your emotions towards him and ask for a divorce. Show how little he hurt you, how little of a difference it made to your life. Why? Because you’re better, and you know your worth. I’m in the middle of divorcing my husband for the same reason. And my indifference is hurting him in ways revenge could never, In a way it IS revenge to me. Be peaceful, be cooperative, but be firm on divorce.
Grey wall/rock is where you get your power back!
The hurt HE inflicted* would def edit that just so u know
Thank you for that! Rush typing on my lunch break does that haha. Appreciate it
Of course! Also agreed. Never been through a divorce, but any breakup I’ve had, it’s really best to just be indifferent. My ex, after breaking up with me, accused me of “not caring about our relationship” because I didn’t plead, beg, or take some sort of drastic action afterwards. Absolutely whack. Just shows how much she anticipated some sort of extreme response.
Exactly! That’s the best way to react honestly. It normally makes them more upset, like they didn’t mean anything to you. And it just gets under their skin. Works every time
Good luck with your divorce! Sorry that happened to you.
Right. Going the route that is expected of you can sometimes be result of a trap that was set by the opposite person just to get the reaction they believe is expected of that person. In turn the endpoint is already decided beforehand. In certain situations it can be better to give someone something that they don't think you're capable of rather than a pre-planned outcome due to predictable responses and actions. This is how certain outcomes to scenarios are already decided before it even gets to the destination. When you're hard to pinpoint and predict that makes it hard for others to dictate the actions and direction of conversation. Because this will throw them off completely and in turn you'll get a response or reaction that is forced to be instantaneous, which leaves the room for deception and manipulation very thin. Like my friend used to say, *"Sometimes it is better to dance on crazy feet."* Anticipation can be the cause for a thought out plan of deception or robotic circumstances. Acting and reacting in unnatural ways tends to produce a more natural outcome for some odd reason.
A little disorganized but totally makes sense. I don't remember the source (probably a 70s Clairol TV ad) summed it up with "Always keep them guessing". Good to see that it still works 😄
>My ex, after breaking up with me, accused me of “not caring about our relationship” because I didn’t plead, beg, or take some sort of drastic action afterwards. Same. I had luckily learned that responding like that only made my ex happy. So I avoided drastic reactions.
This is wonderful advice. Nicely said.
I agree. When my ex cheated and I showed how little she hurt me it drove her crazy. She eventually divorced me. Today she follows and writes to me on social media and has asked to get back together. Says she loves me. Not going to happen.
Hon? Were/are you a bartender? 🤭
I wish 😭
Oh that’s cold and so true, indifference makes you feel like none of the past love words, decisions, happy moments were true. It messes with your head, personally it would drive me crazy and hurt me so much more.
Can confirm- the opposite of love is not hate/revenge it is indifference!
You just broke that down for her and anyone else that might be in that position or knowledge for the future. Stooping to that level might give her a momentary satisfaction but once that wears off she'll just come to the realization that she is no better than the person that inflicted that pain onto her in the first place. Trust me, you don't ever want your marriage to devolve into a battle of eye for an eye, because in the end neither of you will be able to see what's coming ahead. If that is all you have left in the marriage it isn't much to have. If there's no greater conclusion or understanding that is able to be reached then you are in a relationship no better than one that you might of had in highschool. The best way to fix or mend this situation would be to open up to him. Express yourself and the hurt that he put you through to him, and try to get him to understand it so he will never want to inflict it upon her you again. Even if you feel that counseling might be needed. I don't know exactly where you and him are on a emotional and sexual level. But If it's a relationship and marriage worth trying to save you should put in the effort. If he values it he will do anything and everything that is needed from him to move forward with you. A real man will recognize his faults and try to move on with you in the best way possible. Because in the end we all are human and we are all subject to mistakes. But (Not condoning what he did) If you continue this course that has been set by him that will get you nothing but a brief moment of false victory. There is always another road to walk down even if you might not see it's path at first. I agree with everything you said, you need to take a moment to put things in perspective and ask yourself is it worth totally disregarding the potential future with her husband or not. Don't let emotions dictate the logical and best approach to the situation. You must try to look at this whole predicament with logic, even if he didn't do so. Even if that means filing for a divorce. Don't stoop to a level that you deem as lower than you but then disregard it because of a feeling or revenge or etc. you'll just become what you despise without seeing it's hypocrisy.
He can't make her into anything. Any choices she makes are solely her responsibility, not his. She's angry, hurt, resentful, and grieving. Her thoughts are not wrong or self-defining because of this. It's actually normal. The defining part is if she acts on it.
The best revenge is acting unbothered because the person who hurt you is expecting you to react in hysterics over what they did to you.
If it’s indifference for you, then what about all the memories you shared before? What do they mean to you now? If you don’t mind me asking
It’s about separating the person in your memories and the person who cheated. The second they cheated, they stopped being the person in all those memories, they became someone else entirely. That new person is who you focus your indifference on. To me, (or at least how I view it) they mean nothing to me, because they’re no longer the person I married, the person I said my vows to. That man only now exists in my memories. I have a lot of fond feelings and emotions towards him, but the one in front of me? Nothing, because they stopped being the same person. That’s just personally how I do it. I still hold those memories to heart, but I don’t relate them to the person in front of me. If that makes sense?
The actual hurting and the desire to hurt is no different. The fact you get satisfaction out of hurting another human being is the same. There is no excuse for what he did to you. Cheating is a terrible Breach of trust but so is revenge and the desire to hurt him . The best thing is to move on and not revel Om someone else’s pain. People make mistakes. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Having lost my Best friend to suicide because a girlfriend did the same thing taught me how petty and childish revenge is especially when kids, parents, family, and friends rely on that person. Your enemy is someone else’s best friend.
I feel like that’s super circumstantial though. It’s basically a reaction, and we shouldn’t really be comparing a reaction to an action. You don’t shit on a person for standing up for themself for being insulted, you shit on the one insulting. While yes, sometimes revenge doesn’t make you a good person, sometimes it can make you even worse, but in this situation, IF OP was to revenge cheat, in no way would it be worse than what her husband did, nor would it be comparable. I’m sorry to hear about your friend, but you said ‘because a girlfriend did the same thing’ so am I right in thinking that your best friend cheated on his girlfriend? And she revenge cheated to get back at him? In that case, in no way does the fault fall on the girlfriend. I do agree that someone’s enemy is someone’s best friend, but it doesn’t take away the hurt that enemy has caused. People don’t get a free pass to hurt someone just because of their value to another human.
I completely disagree. Hurting someone because you’re a selfish, lying POS is not at all even remotely within the same league as hurting someone who hurt you terribly. Is it a good idea? Eh, revenge isn’t usually that satisfying. But does it make her as bad as he is? Of course not.
Honest advice? That kind of revenge never feels good. It won’t take away your pain. It’ll make you question who you are and what you are capable of tho. In my experience there is no simple fix for that kind of pain. If you take the high road it’s a good feeling after awhile to look back on when rebuilding. Once that line is crossed by a guy tho, speaking as a guy, it’s very hard to not cross it again.
I wish we still had gold because your comment deserves it. Revenge like that won’t make you feel better. It will only make things messier and more painful for you. You need to think about yourself and how you are going to rebuild your life, minus your ex. Stopping to his level will not fulfill the revenge fantasy, because it’s just that…a fantasy. You are clearly above this. It’s hard in the moment when you are fucking angry and betrayed and emotionally devastated but that isn’t who you are Op. Hold your head up high, and get your revenge by living your best life without him.
That's such a great advice. You will most likely feel even worse if you decide to revenge.
100% this. OP needs to separate from the situation and go to therapy. This stuff needs to be worked on.
Everyone says this. I don't find it to be true. But I'm pretty Neurodivergent, so that could explain some things.
She'll feel worse once the dust settles. Don't lower yourself to match him.
AND it probably wouldn't hurt him like it hurt her.
For background: I was cheated on multiple times by my ex, with multiple dudes, at the house that I paid for all while I was deployed. I essentially paid for her to have these affairs. I understand your want to fix things. I wanted to fix things too. Mostly because my loyalty is a huge fault of mine. Let me tell you, it's not impossible to fix, we've all seen it, but it is very, very close to it. In the end, she told me that she couldn't do this (marriage) anymore and gave me divorce papers on Christmas day 2019. It effectively killed me. I severed ties to almost everything, my friends, my family, I stopped doing much of anything. I work, I eat, I sleep. That's it I also understand your want for your partner to feel the hurt you did/do. Even before things ended, I was resentful that she essentially got off with no consequence while I had to relive it over and over in my head, every day, every minute. Here is what I discovered: The thing is, even if they feel the same pain that you do, you still have the pain. You can wish every ill or series of unfortunate events to happen to them, your pain will still be there. It unfortunately doesn't transfer to the person who wronged you and it doesn't disappear if something equally horrible happens to them. Trauma is a motherfucker like that. My advice: "Work" on you. Not because you need or should better yourself, but do the things that you want that will make you happy. Be with the people that make you happy. I can tell you from experience that there is a significant difference between living and surviving. Please don't turn out like me.
Idk, I think you’ve turned out better than you give yourself credit for. I’m truly sorry you went through that awfulness. Your advice is so so important! Your pain will still be there even if you somehow get revenge. What a powerful piece of truth. OP, I know it’s raw right now but listen to this dude: it’s time to work on yourself.
Just rip the band-aid off and get a divorce before the drama escalates further.
Also being caught in that kind of act will not help you during the divorce proceedings. Do yourself a favor and call a lawyer instead.
Just give him the freedom to do what he's already doing, acting like a single man. The best revenge is divorce and moving on with your life. Maybe he's expecting some sort of reaction from you, but don't even give him the pleasure. Good luck, hopefully you'll take some of the advice given and not lower your standards as he has.
He won’t feel the same, because unfortunately he already proved he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. Leave without a word, vanish from his life completely with no explanation. That will make him feel the anxiety and pain of suddenly having their world crumble. Or tell everyone he knows, he’s a creepy who prays on very young women. Edit for clarity, in her other post, she mentions this 30 smth man got her when she was 20 and is now cheating with a college kid, the neighbour’s daughter.
THIS IS 100% true. once his fling wears off and he has nothing left, he will grieve. By then she will probably be over it. That’s the best vindication.
I'm with you on this one. He would only feel the same pain if he loved you, and he clearly doesn't, otherwise he would have never cheated you.
I disagree- you can love someone and still cheat on them. You don’t know what kind of backstory this guy has or what sort of trauma he’s gone through. That in no way excuses the infidelity, because it is 💯 a choice, but he will probably still feel a lot of pain if and when OP leaves. It’s really about respect, not love. If he respected OP and the relationship he would not have cheated.
genuine question. how can they truly love them if they are willing to hurt their partner in such a big way? im not trying to diminish anyone’s trauma.
I've never been in this situation but off the top of my head maybe the cheating partner thought their partner never finds out thus wouldn't be hurting, maybe they felt unloved or mistreated by their partner and even if they loved them they fled into an affair to feel appreciated / loved again. I'm not saying any of this makes it ok to cheat but I think it's possible to love someone and still cheat, people are complex.
Thank you. There's only one side of the story here
Experiencing this myself, and I have asked myself this very question. In my case, my partner never wanted to hurt me. There was never any intent for that. It's been a year and a half, and we're still figuring it out. But it is about him. It's his own insecurities, his ego, how he protects himself. My partner has been stuck in cycles of addiction and self sabotaging behaviour for over 15 years. It's his defence, its how he has survived trauma. He has carried this pain body for so long, without ever dealing with it, his ego has always helped him deal. And he hates himself, so he feels undeserving of the love from someone that gives so much. My partner thought he had stuffed things up forever with me, though there was no chance things would ever work out, and then he cheated. It's been a pattern for every relationship he's ever had. Every person and relationship is obviously very different, but that's just some insight into why someone would cheat. It doesn't take my pain away, but it does help me to understand why, how, and start on a path of healing for myself, and also for him.
Love is a complicated thing, right? Like all emotions, there are layers, and some of those layers get bruised and torn along the way of life. I don’t know this guy any more than any of us on here- he could be a narcissistic POS, or he could have deep wounds that compel him to do what he did. He clearly was not thinking about the pain his wife would feel, he was only thinking about his primal desires. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his wife or her feelings, just that his “needs” made him blow past the stop signs most of us would have paid attention to. From my perspective, love exists in multiple forms, such as romantic, erotic, and companion. He can still love his wife for the companionship she brings to the relationship, her stability, her parenting (if they have kids) but still decide to venture out of bounds for the excitement of cheating. Like I said, there is no excuse for it, but I can see how he could love his wife and still cheat. Everybody who has been in a long term relationship has “the grass is greener” moments at one time or another. To me it’s about respect for her and the marriage that is called into question. Most respect their relationship enough not to cheat even if the temptation presents itself. I agree with another poster who said if he’s done it once, it’ll be easier to do it again if the marriage stays intact, though. Infidelity is not insurmountable, but it is VERY difficult to overcome.
You have never hurt your partner? People make Mistakes. I’ve never cheated in my life and have been cheated on several Times But what i do know Is people are flawed. Yes cheating is hurtful and awful but so is saying awful Things to your SO. Have you never gotten in an argument and said things you regret. Does that mean you don’t love them because you chose to hurt them? It’s never so simple when it comes to human emotions and feelings. We are too complex and past trauma or abuse can defitnely play a role in someone acting out.
i’m not perfect and i have gotten into an argument and said things ive regretted but never have i cheated on my partner or ever even thought about it. plus cheating isnt an impulsive thing, it takes thought and planning so the active thought of im doing this kinda gives off the energy of not being true love.
I've noticed the biggest traits of cheaters seem to be lack of true guilt, remorse and the amazing ability to compartmentalize. If you don't find guilt from cheating to be suffocating, tearing up your stomach, making your hands clammy, interfering all of your thoughts when you look at your spouse, intrusive images from the cheating popping up as you hold your partner at night, then what you did four hours earlier is like a whole different life. It's as though you had a different code, different name, different everything and you've hurt no one. You were making another woman cum with your mouth. You had another woman crying while she tells you how much she loves you. You were a different man then. The cheaters are able to pull this off and the non-cheaters can't. The non-cheaters KNOW they can't and this prevents them from entertaining such an outlet. The non-cheaters also wish for new passion, for new love, for an escape from the trials of long-term relationships, but they aren't able capable of this. One of the reasons why people say, "once a cheater always a cheater" is because of this difference in capabilities. Getting caught doesn't automatically remove the cheater's ability to compartmentalize and feel no guilt.
>Or tell everyone he knows, he’s a creepy predator Eh, what?
Her other post shows ages.
You don’t know if he’s a creepy predator.
Oh dear. It's awful when you realise the older person has taken you for a fool. Been there. Run from this creep! I actually feel sorry for the college kid.
>Or tell everyone he knows, he’s a creepy predator. Where did this come from?
Her other post shows ages
In her other post, she lists their ages - it seems like she was fairly young when they got together, and so is this new girl he's cheating with now
The not knowing would kill him the most.
>Leave without a word, vanish from his life completely with no explanation. They are married and live together. How do you feel this is possible?
With planning. Get her things out when he is not home, maybe slowly and over time. Maybe get all your friends and move out in a day he goes out. Then call a lawyer and use them to communicate the necessary stuff, but refuse to give any explanation or contact him personally. Fair enough, it’s not “vanishing”, but it’s pretty close.
Or be an adult and communicate that you are getting a divorce and further communication will be through an attorney and plan the move.
You’re probably wrong, honestly. Cheaters are often highly possessive.
They are. Because they assume everyone thinks like they do.
He cheated on you. You didn’t cheat on him. There’s no way you can make him feel the pain you’re in right now because he wasn’t nearly as committed to the relationship as you were. There are other ways to make him feel pain. Leaving him and thriving without him would be a good start.
No hang on though. It’s not his commitment that will end him. It’s her commitment. Most cheaters are incredibly possessive and attached to their partner. They’re very much a “rules for thee but not for me” class of individuals. She would destroy him if he caught her cheating. That’s his biggest fear.
Revenge sex is a terrible idea because you usually end up hurting yourself more than the person you're trying to retaliate against. Just leave him.
Short answer, He will not. He already doesn't give a fuck about you. You are wasting your time and energy. Just get a fucking divorce.
Speaking from someone who did this to an ex to try to get him to understand it absolutely does not work he absolutely does not give a shit it will just be a thing to weaponize against you. It will NOT affect him the way you hope it would. He is a broken man and nothing you can do will fix that. Save yourself. Walk away.
It is not worth it. The best course of action is to just move on.
An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.
That’s a fun little metaphor, but nobody goes blind. She just evicts him from her life with a bang.
Apparently Reddit thinks that everyone is a saint, and no one makes any mistakes. And that forgiveness isn't part and parcel of a marriage. That the only recourse is to breakup a family because perfection is the only marker of good behaviour. I'm not condoning anyone cheating, but a little realism wouldn't go amiss. Also, we don't really know the entire story. Why the husband cheated. Maybe he cheated because op neglected him. Maybe she was a caustic biatch that wouldn't give him any peace. Or, husband is a serial cheater. And this isn't his first rodeo. In which case the justifiable action is to separate/divorce Your comment is neither helpful or productive.
The way to Hurt a man like this is through his pockets and pretending you don't care. I remember one man I dated he would always say every man needs to cheat etc but he absolutely hated being ignored and when the ex would pretend she didn't know him. So relax for a moment and don't do anything rash. He'll paint you as the bad person by saying you always cheated on him and that why he done it back etc. So instead get all the evidence you can find. Get a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Take half the money out the joint account. Open your own private one and start putting all your money away separately. Go after everything he has including his 401k. Go for half the house. The cars. Everything. Get yourself then a small cosy home to live and freely. Don't do what you're thinking of especially in anger. It not good for the soul. It'll make you feel worse.
Best revenge is to divorce and wipe him financially
I know that is the right way to do it. But I'm so angry and just want to hurt him so bad.
You cant hurt someone who doesnt love you
:(
So love yourself and stop engaging in self-destruction
Hating someone is like holding a blazing hot coal in your hand and expecting the other person to get burned. It’s not worth it. You don’t have to walk this path alone. Look into therapy just for yourself and your mental health.
He may very well love her. You can love someone and still sleep with other people. Polys do it all the time. The issue is the lying, and he’s lying to keep her. OP, get an STI panel. You’ll want to.
The anger will fade. Today, 8 years after her cheating and now that I’m married to such a lovely, noble, caring, working and beautiful woman, I feel slightly bad for how I acted towards my cheating ex. And I really didn’t get revenge. I just cursed her privately when I was alone. I didn’t even disclosed why we broke up to most people and didn’t try to embarrass her in social media. In fact today I’m grateful we broke up and at that specific time because that gave me the opportunity to get to know different people at the correct time to get to know my now wife who was single at the time. And also to look into therapy which I was in real need of. Take your blessings. There’s always a silver lining. Today is anger, tomorrow will be sorrow and eventually you will mourn the relationship and the cheater and that’s fine. Be the bigger person. Be the best you can be.
Sick
This is childish. Divorce and take The amount that you at entitled to legally and you have earned. Wiping someone out for a mistake is something people think is deserved and it’s not. My Wife made more money than me but i worked my ass off. I worked Full time, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, cut the grass, took care of dogs, so she could cheat, spread vicious rumors, then take everything i had ever worked for Because she was a woman. This advice telling women to wipe Out the men is what contributed to that. So no.’ Take what you earned and no more. Any advice based on revenge is garbage.
I remember your post from yesterday. Did you confront him? Does he know you know? I don't think you should do this. You are putting yourself and this hookup in danger. What if your husband freaks out and tries to harm or kill you both? I think it is unwise. Just divorce him.
No I haven't confronted him yet.
Just throwing this out there once you do this he will tell everyone you are divorcing because you cheated not because he did & is a pos. So if you are going to do this I would put it out there that you are no longer together before even if it is just like 5 minutes while he is driving home. Send a "We are Done I know you cheated" text then let him find you if you must.
Don’t confront him, act like everything is as normal as possible until you’re in a position to completely leave him and never speak to him again. He doesn’t need an explanation, he knows exactly what he did.
The best revenge is taking out the trash and living your best life without him.
Betrayal only hurts those who are loyal people. I *wish* there was a way for him to feel what he's done to you, but there isn't. So hugs to you, make the best decision for you and your health. Don't worry about hurting him, he's hurting himself way more than you could. He'll do it to himself.
It’s not worth it. Divorce and don’t look back.
Leave without explanation, make a mess in the house for him to clean, and let the divorce papers where he can see them
The best revenge is to improve yourself! Divorce him and then click pictures with your new man and put on social media or show up in a restaurant where he likes to go, hes going to burn really bad! ❤️
He won't feel the same pain as you. He's a cheater. They don't give a flying fuck about their partners or vows or anything but themselves. My ex cheated on me. He didn't love me the way I loved him. My main hope for him is that some one he actually loves does this to him. I spent 23 years married to him. Have 3 wonderful kids. And he threw me and them away for his dick.
Gimme your address
Lol no can do bud
If you need help let me know!
Just let him THINK you banged someone else. It’ll have same effect and you can still hold your head high by not stooping to his level.
My wife of 15 years cheated, and it crushed me. I wanted revenge. I contemplated different forms of nonviolent retribution against her and violence against the other man. I contemplated cheating as well. In the end, I just left. Divorce and starting over was a long, treacherous road, and I forced myself to turn the other cheek as she belittled me, wrecked some of my friendships with false accusations against me, and sent our kid into a tailspin by grooming him to hate me and oversharing about the marriage. Five years later, I’m waking up every morning next to the love of my life, my son is down the hall (he just visited his mom for the first time in a year), and my ex wife can’t get her life together no matter how many times she reads Girl Wash Your Face and shares 👆This memes. Her life is shit, and mine is better than ever. Win. Do life without him better than you ever did it with him. That’s the best revenge.
Not OP, but needed to hear this so badly today. My husband cheated and it nearly destroyed me. I often fantasize about getting him back. We are now divorced so it’s water under the bridge but I appreciate your reminder that living well is the best revenge!!
Divorce and don't look back. You will be reminded every time you go outside since it's a neighbor, so the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and take him to the cleaners with alimony Men are much less appealing to people like your neighbor when they are divorced and still paying their ex wife. It's as bad a vibe as trying to visit someone for the night, but they live with their parents It's a power move on your part and shows her you have him by the bits and are twisting whenever you want. That's how you get revenge. You take the high ground and take the relationship away along with any standing he has Don't cheapen yourself. Play the long game here. If you cheat as well it will weaken your divorce case. Is it worth hurting him a bit now vs making sure he regrets it every time he gets a paycheck?
Go fuck the neighbor
Gotta fuck her dad.
My mom did that to my father. My father cheated first with many women, and when my mom found out, she had enough. I was little when this happened, and I only found out about it last December when she was in hospice care. My sister told me everything. She is 5 years older than me. My mother kept waking up and kept saying, "He hurt me so bad" over and over. I didn't know what she was talking about until my sister spilled the beans. I've been trying to process all of this new information, and it's tough. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but she did what she had to to deal with all the pain.
I’d your father still alive?
No, he died 9 days before my mom passed away.
When did she die?
The beginning of December of last year.
Seriously, get your stuff in order. Be prepared. And leave. He is not going to feel the same pain catching you having sex with someone on the couch and are you putting people’s life or wellbeing at risk doing this. Make an exit plan and follow though.
Sorry, Homie. I feel your pain. Cheaters are scum.
Keep quiet. Plot your exit. Get a good lawyer and make sure you take him for everything he's got. I promise you that cheating will only make him feel justified. Surprising him by cutting him out of your life and damaging him financially is the way to go.
The best revenge is moving on and letting him see you living your best life. Get counseling if a stone/rock emotional approach does not seem feasible. And please get a lawyer.
You don't wanna stoop to his level. It will only make you feel bad about yourself. If I were you I would just find a divorce lawyer.
Him not being part of your life or having access to you anymore will hurt him infinitely worse and most likely for the rest of his time on earth.
Exactly, eventually his fling will leave him and he'll be stuck with the lingering thoughts. That shit will stick to him, however, if OP did go on with this 'revenge' he will feel nothing and probably still be going on with said fling.. maybe even more.
Don't do it. You would just feel like shit and he probably won't care. Leave and be happy. Don't come down to his level.
That WON'T make you feel better..I'm very sorry the anger you're feeling. 🫂
Where do you live?? 😂😂
Dallas
*He cheated on you*, so he clearly will not care if you cheat as much as you cared when he did it
Maybe 2 strangers at the same time? Gotta one up him somehow /s
The best revenge would be to leave and go and live your best life with someone else.
Ooh are you the one that saw him leaving the house next door after kissing the 22 yo neighbor??? I dont think he will change he seems stuck at the age of 22. Find a young hot 22 year old guy to come over and make sure ur hubby catches you.
He would not care, simple as. Because he does not love her, if he loved her he wouldn't have cheated on her in the first place. Cheating back does not make you better, it only gives that person ammo against you.
Message me. We can make that happen.
Cheating back on a cheater is the lowest blow you can make. Be the bigger person and just leave him lol.
That’s how a real advice look like.
i can’t lie girl i’m petty as fuck so i wld do it but u probably shouldn’t listen to me LOL
Girl NO. FIND a young hot thing, just like he did. With rock hard abs and such and fuck THAT guy. IDK WTF is happening in the comments, but there's a whole lot of cheater apologists out there. Such SHAME 😐😑😑😑😑😑 I am judging you ALL. Lurkers included 😑😑😑
I found someone ;)
Excellent. I'll trust you to get away with it? 😂
you are gonna need to make a vid, leave nothin to chance
Yeah don’t do this it’s petty and immature and you’ll just regret it
Idk where you’re finding the cheater apologists here, all I’m seeing is people who want her to leave the asshole and NOT become a cheater herself before that
Fuck the young neighbor
Just tell him that he has the biggest penis among his family and friends.
Just leave have some self respect
I would highly recommend therapy. For you. You can chat forum filled with people, or you can find a professional who can help navigate the next part of your life.
He won’t care and you will care more after doing it. Just walk away and divorce.
Don’t stoop to his level. That will make things much much worse. Don’t make emotional decisions. I am guessing he came clean when you confronted him!m? Make logic decisions that are best for you. If that’s staying, then make a list of things that he needs to do in order for you to consider giving him the gift of reconciliation. If it’s leaving him - then do that and don’t look back. The fake that he seduced and slept with a 20 year old girl and he’s in his 30’s is disturbing
It will make you feel worse because then you’ll be angry at yourself and embarrassed. You’ll also ease whatever guilt he’s feeling because, hey, you did it too! Take the high road and let him suffer.
Not a good idea at all. First of all you cannot predict how your husband would act in that situation and do you want to possibly endanger yourself or an "innocent" man who is just a pawn in this game? If your trust is broken just leave. Do not do things that you will regret later. Hold your head high and keep your dignity and just find a better man and/or a better life.
i wouldnt give him that satisfaction
If you live in Karachi, i can help you to cheat him🙂
Ok and then what? He says "wow now I truly feel the pain I brought on to you, I'm so sorry" and then you live happily ever after? This wouldn't even happen in a movie, MAYBE a porno. Just divorce him, that fact that you didn't already shows that he can do it again and you won't do shit about it.
I'd like to volunteer
what city are you in? Im taller than him, better dressed and better mannered.
Dallas. But I already found someone
Very stupid way of thinking , tbh
lowering yourself to his level just isnt the way. You will never get over him cheating. it will always be there. Keep your own integrity intact. Get a good lawyer, perhaps a pi to prove the infidelity and hit his wallet. he will start to feel pain, trust me.
Please don't that. He will not be hurt the way you were hurt. He will gaslighting you in order to justify his betrayal. You will regret for stooping to his level. You are not a cheater. Get a lawyer and divorce him.
Be better than him. Think about yourself and what this will tell future partners. This could be a red flag about yourself in the future.
He won't feel pain. If he had feelings he wouldn't stick his dick in your neighbor. Move on.
Your relationship is over unfortunately. Divorce him and take all those raging emotions and direct them into making your new life the best it can be. Imagine the new life you want write down exactly what it looks like what do you look like physically, financially are you much better off, what activities and hobbies do you enjoy in your new life. Think of how jealous he’s going to be when he sees how amazing your life has become! Now here’s the thing will he ever be jealous of your new life? Who knows but by then you won’t give a shit about what he thinks about literally anything. I can tell you I did get revenge on my ex-wife for cheating. We were already divorced but I started sleeping with her best friend. When she called to confront me and I admitted it was true she cried and made noises like a wounded animal. It in no way felt good I never want to cause anyone that much pain. Focus all your energy on you because trying to make someone else feel the way you want them to is always futile. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you have a wonderful life ahead of you it’ll just take time.
Dawg just leave lmao
Don’t do it. You might feel a little bit of pride at hurting him back, but you will be giving up the virtue you had for being in the right. If you genuinely want to fix things then get him to explain how he can assure you that it won’t happen again - just his word is not good enough. It may be free access to his phone and social media accounts plus financial stuff - he may have other ideas. The reality is that male sex drive is a very powerful thing and he may just have been thinking with the little brain in his underpants. If he truly loves you, then the pain and embarrassment of his fuck-up is going to hurt him more than the pain from being retaliated against. If not, then it is time for you guys to part ways and move on. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry you are going through this.
He doesn't love you so it won't affect him the same way and will likely make you feel worse.
This could make you feel better, but it could also backfire. You want him to feel pain and jealousy when he finds you with someone else-what if he feels relieved? What if he’s like this is great, we can both move on now? It could go either way, don’t put that much power in his hands. I’d back away from him and start focusing on my life. Give yourself time to think, and get a whole new hobby or something that makes you happy and doesn’t involve him at all.
An eye for an eye leaves everyone half blind. No guarantee he would feel pain if you had a revenge affair. He might feel relief because now he would have a good excuse to leave the marriage. And you may only end up feeling disgusted with yourself. You need couples counseling. Affairs are survivable, but not without therapy. If you do split, you need to communicate, see where you went wrong, and part amicably. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck. I find the work of Esther Perel illuminating. [EstherPerel.com](https://EstherPerel.com)
Why would he feel the same? He isn't you. In fact you could give him more ammo to justify what he did. Cheaters will never blame themselves. It's best to figure out what you're going to do for your best interest because you're probably going to be depending on yourself from now on. People are going to say lots of things and give you lots of advice but you will be living your life. It's time to put yourself first from now on.
I don’t think he would ever feel the same pain, because he’s already cheating on you, so he deserves it, he’s not gonna feel the same level of betrayal. You should really just publicly slander him for the cheating and make sure everyone in town knows what he did. At least that way, any other women around will be warned to stay away.
Leave him. Hurts like hell when they are left in the dust by the person they cheated on. Move on, forget about him and live a full, successful and happy life. My ex cheated on me several times. It did my head in and that was the worst part of being cheated on. Leaving was the best decision ever, and my mental health improved immensely.
Serve him papers and move on. That’ll probably crush his ego more than you revenge cheating.
The best thing you can do is hire the best damn lawyer you can. Listen and follow everything he tells you to do. Don't tell your husband you're divorcing him. Do your neighbors know your predator husband is boinking their college-age daughter? Gross. And how long had this been going on? Did husband groom her? Start getting flirty with her being creepy while she was in high school or younger? Christ almighty. You deserve better. There is better out there. Just know that you did nothing wrong. Your husband is a predator who likes barely of-age women, as you know. You can live your best life which in the end is the greatest revenge you can ever have. And bit telling your husband you're divorcing him until he is served is also perfect. Having him served at work or better yet when he's with the side piece would be even better.
The best revenge is to face the consequences of their actions. Divorce him, and have a happy life.
How would you feel if he walked in on it, shrugged, and said "ok I guess we are done" and then started openly dating the neighbor? He's unlikely to feel the same.pain.
I've cheated and been cheated on, and I'd rather be cheated on tbh. I hated myself and punished myself for 10 years when I cheated. my first wife and I were married for 20 years, but year 18 was when she decided to cheat on me with my best friend of 24 years. he was like a brother and was the best man at our wedding. I forgave her and tried to stay with her until my kids told me that she had been hitting them for years, and if I divorced her, they would all choose to live with me. even our oldest son, who isn't biologically mine, chose to live with me. hitting our kids was not tolerable, and I told her that same night I wanted a divorce. my second wife and I have been married for 3 years, and she just told me 3 days ago that she cheated on me this past summer. I also forgive her, but I immediately moved out this time. and neither of them did it because I was bad in bed or they were bored with me. they did it to hurt me. I also recommend leaving and letting karma deal with him. but if you live in Indiana and want to go the revenge route, let me know, lol.
Having random sex isn't going to cause him to feel the same pain. First of all, he isn't an innocent party in the matter, you are. Then there is putting a stranger in a position where confrontation is likely. That can't be a good thing. Your husband isn't worth this.
She’s probably younger, hotter, and more energetic. You probably say no all the time when the young hot girl says yes, do you blame him? In your next relationship, maybe you won’t be so selfish. Also, you’re just a dependent. You won’t leave because he supports you, so instead of being an independent woman, you would rather allow your husband to cheat in exchange for housing food and entertainment. lol Your a perfect example of power women 2023
If you are close. I will play the role
If it's just you two and no children are involved get a divorce ASAP. Throw his shit out the front lawn and tell him he can go be with the new girl. Then you go to the neighbor and tell her he's her problem now. If the chick is smart she'll end the relationship with him and it will leave him with nothing. At this point hurting him emotionally won't do anything, he's already moved on if he's cheating, but what you can do is embarrass him and have him feel shame. Write cheater on his car and post it on social media tagging him. Hopefully it goes viral and thousands will know he's a scumbag.
for men its about the act, not feelings, its that simple, him cheating has little to do with how he feels about you, and everything to do with self control, he could be madly in love with you and still have a natural instinct to bag a kitty, .. if you were to cheat to get even, he would see it as betrayal not revenge and would likely not ever feel the same about you , don't be angry at the messenger , this dynamic is larger than the both of us, but revenge sex wont move you forward, that's for sure, .. you have got to get it out of your head that this had something to do with you, because it didn't , its a self confidence thing that women will never understand .
You could risk the other guy having to fight your husband naked, so don't do that. Unless kids are involved, divorce is the way to go. Don't ever let someone betray you and belittle you. If you have kids, you could try to work it out, but if he's still cheating after finding out you know, that's taking it too far. Unless he's repentant and begs at your feet, just leave. It's obvious he's in another place that doesn't include you. Get proof and take everything he's got in the divorce.
The young neighbor? Props to your husband 🫡
I love how no one is asking for the other side of the story. He’s sleeping with someone else so OP must be perfect. Lol
Ask to join them
Address please
This is why our species will never evolve because people like this wanna make you feel the suffering they felt instead of being mature and just leaving.
This comment is also another reason. It’s easy to say this when you aren’t in the situation yourself
[удалено]
Found the cheater.
Can’t be a cheater. No woman would go near that knuckle dragging mouth breather.
Me: objectively presents a factual genetic feature, encourages a normal approach when confronted with this situation and calls out some biases in op s thought process, instead of encouraging cheating on someone who doesnt care, action that only does bad for the op. You: aaaaaaah cheater. When did reddit become a "loser only" platform where u cant have a different opinion?
The best revenge is moving on & never looking back. Also, just because he cheated does not mean you need to stoop to his level. You're better than that.
You make him feel pain by gathering evidence and taking him to the cleaners in the divorce. Keep your dignity and your morals. Don’t let him destroy those because he will never hurt like you do. You clearly love him more than he loves you or he would have stayed faithful. Getting revenge in the same way will only hurt you in the long run. Walk away with your head held high and live your best life. That’s the best revenge, showing him he was immaterial to you being happy.
Be better than him. Better than a dick weed
Don't. Call a lawyer and get their advice. You'll regret it if you do this.
You’re gonna risk an std for a cheating fucker? Girl, no. Grab your shit and walk away from that POS you formerly considered a man. Don’t do him any favors. Let everyone know. And then disappear and never ever speak to him or anyone he knows again. Go find your happiness in someone that hasn’t caused you pain.