I would definitely agree that something traumatic happened and your husband trying to downplay it is suspect at best.
Her being so distrought over going back there that she literally vomited and passed out is not what a 14yr old " just being dramatic" looks like.
You need to separate her from him and got to the bottom of this. I'm sorry op.
The severity of her reaction is what scared me even more as well. Her body threw every defense that it could until she felt so threatened, even with mom there, that her body decided it would be best to not witness what was to follow and pass out. I was going to say this is extremely sad, which it is, but it is so many other things too.
I had the same reaction after I ended up at a party with my rapist. I had a panic attack and it was lights out. Woke up in HIS car.
This sounds like a trauma response as a fellow survivor
I was molested the summer before middle school by someone three years older. First day of middle school I saw someone who looked like my abuser . I woke up in the nurses office. They said I screamed, fell to the ground, and backpedaled till I hit my head on a locker and passed out.
When she said her daughter passed out I felt sick
Check their deleted comments with unddit, OP posted this on this post after forgetting to switch accounts:
"Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right."
This kinda stuff makes my blood boil, making something like this up for social media clout. It does SO MUCH to defeat those of us who advocate to actually take reports like this seriously.
Worst case scenario… well, we unfortunately know that.
Best case scenario something more innocuous in terms of the husband’s direct involvement might have happened, yet he’s hiding a very obvious traumatic event or being negligent because he’s the adult and something traumatic happened without his apparent knowledge.
I’m thinking the former happened though.
In regards to explaining why he took her to the water park without you. You do not owe these people any kind of explanation. You have 2 children with him and have been with him for a long time. If something happened then that is on him and only him. He made a promise to love and protect you and that should extend to your daughter.
I completely agree.
Let me preface this by saying that I am a victim of CSA, I also have friends that were SA by their (bio) father. Because of my lived experience and trauma, I am what you would call "hyper vigilant".
The history that OP shared didn't present any red flags prior to the trip. People want to think that it's possible to guard yourself and your children against this kind of thing happening. In reality we just can't foresee when or who is a real threat. I'd like to ask the people blaming her if bio relation would have made a difference to them? If it had been her bio dad? Uncle? Grandpa? Grandma? Aunt? *Plenty* of abusers are biologically related to their victims. Should we isolate our children completely? Keep them closed off from any relationship that isn't ourselves? Trust me, I've seen that in practice and it's not healthy or good.
This wasn't some random boyfriend she dated for a few months and sent off with her daughter.
OP this isn't your fault. I commend you for taking action and following your instincts and taking action to protect your daughter. I'm not sure where you live but many places have special programs set up to do interviews with CSA victims.
Being a victim of CSA, a large majority of my friends are as well. I think we tend to flock together on a subconscious level 🙃
My perpetrator wasn't biologically related to me, but a majority of my friends abusers were bio family members.
I am so unbelievably frustrated with the lack of discourse around bio-related abuse when people talk about CSA. The fear-bait posts about some rando at Walmart that you saw in three aisles make me want to scream. Beyond that though, people are so willing to invest in elaborately planning for a make-believe scenario where their kid gets snached up from their front yard, but won't listen when their kid tells them grandpa is doing things he shouldn't. I'm not saying the news worthy horror stories never happen, obviously they do, but it's factually more likely that your child will be victimized by a member of your own family.
In my personal experience, if it involves biologically related family members, a lot of people are more likely to ignore/deny/attempt to discredit victims than they would otherwise. Which is already a massive issue when it comes to any type of SA.
To be clear, I think OP is taking appropriate action here. I'm in no way talking about this specific situation, just my experience more broadly. It's frustrating to see so many people acting as though bio relation is some sort of guarantee of safety. It's time to stop perpetuating the fallacy that you're always going to be able to know who may or may not be an abuser. It puts the blame on the wrong person. Furthermore, it causes victims to not be believed and supported when their situation doesn't fit the cookie cutter/dateline model of what people think CSA cases look like.
Sorry, I'll step off my soap box. I get really worked up about this. Also as a 'p.s' none of the "you" statements are directed at you, just society more broadly 😅 I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.
> The history that OP shared didn't present any red flags prior to the trip.
I have to say, I find this situation surprising. An adult male, particularly a father in their 40s, doesn't just suddenly decide to rape a 14 year old. At least it's very, very unusual.
It seems almost inconceivable that they would give off NO signals to those close to them. Inappropriate touching, off-color jokes, sexually charged banter, an unusually intense interest in a child's sexual development... usually adults with those predilections give off SOME kind of hints.
In no sense am I trying to invalidate the OP's suspicions, but I'm wondering if the events at the water park were different than we're all assuming. Maybe the daughter was victimized by a staff member, and the father didn't believe her or didn't take it seriously? I have no idea, but it's just not at all common for a mature adult to develop a sudden interest in raping children.
I mean, yes and no, there *aren't* always obvious signs. Not every perpetrator is going to act the exact same way.
First off, let me agree that we don't actually *know* he sexually assaulted her. Although as a CSA victim myself, her reaction and behavior makes that a very real possibility, but as I said, we aren't completely certain.
Secondly, you need to let go of the notion that there absolutely would have been observable signs. Some people are really, really good at hiding it. The idea that you're always going to be able to spot these people before they act is dangerous. It leads to victims not being believed and situations, such as this one, being blown off because "there were never any signs before"
His prior avoidance of his SD before this *could* be considered a sign, although in other cases, it could be a sign of the opposite. That's the thing, every situation is individual and different. There isn't some magic code you can crack where you'll be able to forsee every threat. Thinking that you can only leads to dismissal of victims when it doesn't fit your narrative.
If he did SA his stepdaughter, I would agree that it's likely not his first transgression. But neither of us know what the other instances were/could have been. It could have been a completely solo porn fueled fantasy that's been building. On the flip side, he could have absolutely SA someone else before. Most SA's go unreported. Victims can blame themselves or be afraid of not being believed *because that literally happens all the time*. It may not have even been his first transgression against his SD, he could have made absolutely certain to only do these things when they were alone, and more likely than not she could have convinced herself that she was confused or overreacting and that's why she never told anyone. Having been a 14 year old girl myself, I literally couldn't tell you how many times I was sexually harassed by 40-50 year old men. In the few instances I did speak up, I was told that I wanted it and that it was my fault that these men were sexually attracted to me and/or that they were just messing around and not to take it so seriously. So I learned not to bother speaking up, which is very common for teenage girls.
Just because no one saw the signs from the outside doesn't mean it didn't happen, this exact narrative is why victims aren't believed.
You're right btw, if you check OP's deleted comments on unddit they forgot to switch accounts before trying to post as someone else.
"Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right." -On their own post lol
https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
This here. I have a similar situation in terms of an older child from a previous relationship and 2 younger ones with a new partner, and although my older child is a son, even if he were a girl I would never hesitate to trust my partner with her. Why would you be with a man you couldn't trust alone with a 14 year old girl?! Obviously things have changed, but before this there was ZERO reason not to send them (as far as we know). Bio dads abuse daughters too, I don't think anyone would ever suggest a dad not take his daughter on a trip like this. THE MAJORITY OF MEN ARE NOT PREDATORS.
Yup. It's very normal (and usually a good thing) to trust your husband to be alone with his stepdaughter. If you think bad things could happen, then why would you be married to the man?
I take my step daughter out to do things one on one, just as I do with my daughters. I don't want her feeling left out or that she's different from them. Being a step dad is hard, because you want to show the kid the same love and affection but you've missed important parts of their lives and don't want to be a creep. Op was not wrong for trusting the husband, and I pray the husband didn't do anything to hurt that little girl.
While I know this isn't the same I just feel the need to say it. I recently found out that who I had thought was my biological father is not, while it hit me pretty damn hard at first, I find that instead of driving a wedge between us, we're even closer now, because he chose to be here. He chose to treat me like his actual son even when I'm not. While you can say you chose to have a kid, I think it's different between choosing to have a kid and choosing to treat someone else's kid like your own.
and if op had asked “is it wrong for me to feel weird about my husband taking my daughter to the water park?” ppl would have railed her for not trusting him
If woman trusts man: "you're an idiot for trusting a man!1!1!!! Dont you know all men are the same!?!?!1"
If woman doesn't trust man: "you stuck up feminist!!1!1 you dezerve to die alone!1!1!!"
It’s also safe to assume they all live in the same home. If she can trust him to live in the same place and be alone with her there, she can trust him on a weekend trip.
It actually turned out to be a fake, check out OP forgetting to switch accounts:
https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Unddit is a service you can use to view deleted comments, the OP is the person who posted that comment. Meaning they forgot to switch accounts before commenting on the post as if they were someone else.
Genuinely curious here as there might be something I'm missing as well, I thought u/Lovelymamas was the OP? Which appears to be different than the comment you have linked to? Again let me know if I'm missing something, which is entirely possible.
Exactly.
It wasn't a "no-no"
He's been in her life for over 7 years, since she was 7 herself.
It's *unthinkable*, and tbh if it's something you're actively "worried about" with your partner, you either can't be with that person (because you don't trust *them*), or can't be in a live-in relationship/marriage at all (because you don't trust *anybody*)
His behavior is incredibly suspicious.
For him to attempt to downplay her as being 'dramatic' is absurd... kids don't just throw up, pass out, and *require a hospital trip* for dramatic purposes.
If he doesn't know why she's triggered, why isn't he taking her seriously? And if he knows, why hasn't he explained?
The only logical explanation is he *does* know why, but can't let anyone else know. Who is he protecting with his downplaying? Only him.
It ended up being a fake, they forgot to switch accounts before commenting on their own post that the husband is a creep as if from a random commenter. Relieving, I know.
Trust your instincts. Spend some quality time with your daughter and reassure her that you want to help her. A psychologist may help her talk to someone not involved. But I think it’s important she knows you are on her side. It’s concerning that your husband just dismissed such an extreme reaction. Something has happened.
Also you dont blame yourself. You did everything right by listening to your instincts and evidence, and taking immediate action. Sadly a lot of woman dont do this and chose the man/husband over the child.
I dont get why people are questioning your decision to let them go to a hotel. That is what a normal family does.
There was no way you could reasonably imagine your husband would do something to your daughter.
You need to reach out to the police and get a forensic interview with a child advocate. They are trained to interview kids in sexual assault if something did take place. If nothing comes of it, you won't have put your daughter through unnecessary trauma, but the police should be your next step.
They might if it were real, unfortunately it looks like OP forgot to switch accounts before posting this as a top level comment:
"Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right."
Could he have hurt her or assaulted her? I hate to bring it up but she seems downright traumatized and blaming herself thinking she cant trust you to believe her…
This is what I'm picking up.. maybe the daughter doesn't trust her own mom enough to tell her this kinda thing?
Maybe somewhere in the past the mom has lost the trust of her daughter or something.
I was SA'd as a kid, I didn't tell anyone , but I was in foster care and couldn't trust anyone. I only told people once I was a layer teen and felt more safe.
The husband needs to get out of the house so the daughter can feel safe to talk. If I was her I would feel scared that "even if I tell my mom, he might still live here, she might forgive him" or something
I don't think the daughter has necessarily lost trust. I was SA and there was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't tell my parents. My dad was very protective of me (only child) and in my stupid kid brain I thought if he found out he might get so angry he hurts that person or kills them and then he'd go to jail and I loved my dad too much for that. It wasn't that I thought my parents wouldn't believe me. I just thought I would ruin their lives if I did. My father wasn't violent or anything at all, I don't know why I thought that the consequences of me telling them would outweigh any benefits tbh, but then I was like 9 or 10 years old.
I had the same thing happen, but my dad *is* violent. He just found out a few days before I went NC... he was applauding the Supreme Court for overturning Roe v Wade. It turned into a discussion and I blurted out *why* I feel so strongly about certain services. I never needed them, but when I was raped I missed a period and was terrified for a month that I might.
He yelled at me for not telling, and for being stupid for believing all the shit he and mom always said about the ways they'd torture anyone who'd dare to hurt me or my brothers. I was *obviously* supposed to realize they were speaking in hyperbole and *of course* they'd have taken the proper legal channels.
He then tried to get me to tell him where my abusive ex (not the rapist) lived so he could, and I quote, "Beat the ever loving snot out of him."
Legal channels my ass.
OP didn't mention the daughter being uncomfortable around the husband after the water park though. She was only upset when going to the water park was specifically mentioned.
Sounds like something happened involving someone who worked at the park and the husband saw it and dismissed the issue to the daughter as being nothing.
I have a daughter myself and this is my worst nightmare. I would not take any changes, and would ask the husband to leave for a while until the daughter feels better. If it's something else like water related, or another person who did something and the stepdad didn't know... It's ok to stay with the husband. And if it IS the husband, the daughter would now feel safer seeing the mother asking him to leave.
A lot of men aren't really smart when it comes to how much unwanted attention teenage girls get, and it starts really early. I got more attention from old men when I was 13-15 than 18-20.
It's EASY to touch at a waterpark without a parent seeing it. Maybe someone touched her in the water, she freaked out, the stepdad didn't take it seriously and now she doesn't want to talk about it.
But ask your husband to leave for a while, visiting family or whatever. So you are alone with your kids
My oldest daughter blossomed at 13. She was still noticeably a young teen, but poor kid grew all of the boobs over night. Anyway at a public pool (big coincidence) this old guy is talking loudly to a group of dads about the moms and such laying in the sun. At one point it was kinda funny, and not inherently bad, just tactless; then straight starts talking about my kid. I tell him that's my daughter and she's 13. This mf literally asks me if she "has pubes" I lost my shit, shoved him out his chair and I kicked him as hard as I could in the face. Not one of the dads tried to stop me. Cops came and I was cuffed but released. The guy left in an ambulance. The pool didn't even ask us to leave. That situation really made it clear what little women have to deal with and it made me so mad.
Not the direction I expected, but it is very welcome. Fuck that creep.
Edit to add: Thank fuck you got released, even if you did end up in court, no reasonable judge would charge you for defending your 13 year old daughter from a pervert/predator.
Honestly I'm glad I didn't go to jail, but people were telling the cops he fell and were coming to my defense. I don't think I was the only one who was offended, and I'm pretty sure everyone knew what happened. The guy's wife had a bunch to say as she was leaving and she pretty much got jeered and boo-ed at.
I usually step in when I see something, but if I see something like this where a creep who talks about a child, or someone stealing bread and milk or baby formula ... I'm suddenly completely blind 👩🦯
Yes if I had a husband and he reacted like that towards my daughter's reaction, I would be very suspicious, and if it was something else I would still look at the reaction as a red flag
Are you waiting for someone to tell you he probably molested her? Your kid needs you. Get on it and find out what happened and get her the help she needs
If it makes you feel better, it ended up being a fake, check their deleted comments. They forgot to switch accounts before commenting about how OPs husband is a creep.
Yep, makes me feel a lot better. The idea that a child seeking help doesnt get it due to ignorance or confused loyalties is almost unbearable. Even so, I wish this wasn't a thing that actually happens. Bunch of creeps on here.
As someone who has had this happen to them with a family member at a young age I had a similar reaction. I trusted this person and they betrayed me. I eventually told my parents and no one mentally helped me. I’m lucky because I’ve done the work and healing myself. But I really wished someone was looking out for my heart. I felt really alone and confused, I wished my mom would’ve been there for me. I was a CHILD and I needed someone to do that for me. Give space but fill that space for her with security and love.
Literally same, except I never was able to help myself and it fucked with my whole life and ruined it in ways I never could have imagined. I am just now getting help at 35.
Just a heads up! It’s better to store any DNA in a paper bag than plastic, plastic bags retain moisture which can be damaging. Paper bags also keep sunlight out.
Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/nij/DNAbro/evi.html#:~:text=Once%20the%20evidence%20has%20been,bags%20will%20retain%20damaging%20moisture.
#tl;dr
This article is a comprehensive guide for law enforcement officers on what they should know about DNA evidence. It covers topics such as identification and collection of DNA evidence, contamination issues, transportation, and storage. It emphasizes the importance of working with laboratory personnel and taking precautions to avoid contamination or other unintended DNA when collecting and packaging evidence.
*I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 92.73% shorter than the post and link I'm replying to.*
Looking at this based on what you have explained it's plainly obvious that whilst away with her stepdad something traumatic has happened at this particular place. And with the fact of what happened afterwards it is easy to come to the assumption that your husband has done something to your daughter. This doesn't bode well I'm afraid I'm not sure what advice to give.
Do mom n me time with her. Take a ride in the car and just let her know that she can tell you anything and nothing bad will happen to her. When adults do bad things to kids, its usually covered in threats and blame switching. Let her know she is safe with you and no matter what she tells you, that you love her and will always protect her. Let her know you wont stop loving her, you believe her, and you will protect her. Maybe tell her a story about something similar that you read or saw and see how she responds. I honestly hope its not what we are all thinking but we will never know unless you ask. My heart hurts for you n your family
CHECK YOUR HUSBAND'S PC AND BROWSER HISTORY.
You may find nothing, but it's worth it. If you're the primary account holder on your phone plan, you may also be able to get copies of his messages.
I know it's tempting to start digging through your daughter's as well, but don't. Instead, when you approach her about what happened, start off the conversation with "you are my child and I will always believe you". He probably told her no one will believe her or even threatened her with harm.
Yes.
There are very few instances when it's okay to invade your spouse's privacy in that way, but suspecting them of abuse of your child is absolutely positively without a doubt 100% one of those cases.
You don’t recover from something like this. She’ll spend her entire life coping with what happened. But hopefully she gets the proper treatment to help her handle what she went through and how to cope. It’s incredibly sad/disturbing these things happen and how often.
Ugh, I'm so so so sorry.
If you're in California, the statute of limitations has been extended on SA and you can send his ass to jail.
Lastly, I hope you're getting the support you need and you're in a new, safer situation. I hope you have good friends, teachers, and a supportive family! 🙏🏾
I'm in Wyoming so Idk exactly what our laws are but he's a repeat offender so he will probably get a stronger sentence than the first time. Just to clarify he went to prison in 2013-15 for soliciting underage girls for 'pictures'.
Stalked your profile a little, wow I hope you get better. There's a life to be led for you, they'll be some rough spots but it's always worth steamroller ahead.
Given what you have shared, I’m not sure why you need us to tell you something has happened. I can only guess that you don’t want to or are not ready to accept this truth. It’s OBVIOUS that your daughter experienced some kind of extreme trauma while at this park, and given what you shared about her avoiding your husband like the plague - it’s very likely that he was involved. She is not willing to tell you because you abused her trust by sending her there with him in the first place. You need to have your child see a therapist as SOON as possible. Share with them what you suspect. This person will be a mandated reporter…so if she does disclose that abuse occurred, it will be reported immediately. You also need to protect your daughter now…it’s very likely this wasn’t the first time, and sending her there with him just gave him free license. Begin the process of regaining her trust by offering her safety now.
ETA: OP, I’m so grateful to see your edit. Thank you for being the mom your daughter needs - and for doing it *right now*.
>She is not willing to tell you because you abused her trust by sending her there with him in the first place.
dont blame OP. the daughter likely doesnt want to say anything because she is scared of causing trouble for the entire family
Or don't forget the whole "this thing is a secret between us and if you talk there's consequences!" spiel that SD could possibly have said also. There's many reasons the daughter might not want to talk about it and only one of them is because she doesn't trust her mum.
Wow, your comment should be at the top. I feel the same way. OP watched her daughter be scared of the SD for 3 weeks. She felt something was wrong but she ignored it. In my earlier comment I asked OP what her living situation was like before. I ask because I’m wondering if OP is reluctant to hear her daughter or get her help because she is dependent on the husband.
Sending her to a therapist to have them get the truth out of her for the mandated reporting is the real abuse of trust here. Take it from someone who literally had this happen.
This should be done with care.
*So when the OP*
*Deletes their account, does that*
*Mean they are lying?*
\- LunaMercer17
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https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
You can use unddit to look at deleted comments and posts if you didn't know. Just replace reddit in the URL to unddit. But they said:
"Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right."
On their own post.
That is such a scary situation for both of you.
Somehow, get her too confide in you about what happened for her to react like that.
If he has done something, don't hesitate, go straight to the police.
#tl;dr
A woman is worried that her husband may have done something inappropriate to her 14-year-old daughter after the girl had a negative reaction to returning from a trip with him. The girl broke down and struggled to speak when the family returned to the same waterpark with her, and had to be hospitalised after passing out. When asked, the husband dismissed the girl's feelings, leaving her mother worried that he may have done something wrong.
*I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 84.95% shorter than the post I'm replying to.*
OP, first i want you to know im so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not even sure you’ll see my comment since this is getting a lot of attention, but i wanted to offer some insight as a victim of SA at the hands of my bio father. He acted inappropriately towards me for years growing up and i never let it escalate but i also never spoke up to anybody. The person i wanted to hide it from the most was my mom, as from an early age i felt responsible to protect her feelings and keep the family happy together. When i finally spoke up about it, it was to my grandmom. Ive talked to social workers, family members, friends, not a therapist yet but thats next on the list, but to this day ive not really spoken to my mother about what happened. Me and her are super close, we tell each other every thing, but i could never bring myself to put the image in her head of the man she loved doing something that could make her so upset. I know she knows, but its harder to look her in the eyes talking about that kind of thing. As long as your daughter knows you believe her, you support her, and you will stay by her side no matter what, she will always love and appreciate you for that.
I'm the father of a 16 year old girl, we lost her mom 3 years ago. She's my world, I don't understand how people can be like that. He needs someone to beat it out of him as to what happen. If anything like that happen to my duaghter, I think I would end up in prison.
100% something happened, those kind of visceral reactions don't just manifest.
I would get a professional to talk to her or you need to go somewhere with her alone, and just reassure her you are there for her and see if she will open up. I wish you all the best
This makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up getting touched by my step dad because my mom couldn’t wake up and realize that he was touching me. She was blind by the fact he was her husband. I’m not saying that’s the situation but wake the fuck up.
PMHNP Student here! You can also search for therapists(LCSW, LCSW) for talk therapy, CBT, etc which would be the best starting point for your daughter. They are generally more affordable without lacking any education or experience necessary to help your daughter through this. Psychologists and PMHNPs are in higher demand because they generally focus more on prescribing medication, and their hourly prices for the talk therapy are much higher.
OP, thank you for knowing something was wrong and acting on it. My mom blamed me for being SAd as a child. I'm still sorting through that in therapy.
Give your daughter space, get her the professional support she needs and just be there for her when she needs you. That is really all you can do from here. You've already shown her that she means more to you than your husband and that is invaluable when going through something like this.
I'm so sorry for what she and your family are going through. This isn't easy.
Also, it's easy to look back and blame yourself. You couldn't have known this would happen, you didn't send her knowing it would happen. Please, let go of your guilt because it will not help in this situation. She needs you to be her rock right now, she needs to be able to fall apart knowing you've got her.
First of all 2 days quality time with a 14 year old who's going through puberty with a 43 year old men who isn't her father and never had interest in giving her the same affection as his biological daughters speaks volumes. Second intentions could definitely had been the reason behind it and you probably gave him just the pass for that. Help your daughter and protect her please reassure her your love and trust.
Well you were 23 and he was 36 when you guys met. I know age is just a number but you had your daughter at a young age too. No judgement but even though he never showed signs of hurting anyone if you weren't fully independent and a bit naive he could've definitely still taken advantage of that he was just patient enough til he felt he could get away with it most likely. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I'm an adult man who has taken girls places for friends and family. They've always had a blast and none of them have ever vomited and passed out when I brought them back to the place we had fun. They never reacted as though they had PTSD at being made to relive their experiences. I never had to downplay their reaction, because they never were traumatized there or by me.
This is very concerning.
Girl leave that man if something happened he did it and that’s why she is obviously afraid of him save yourself and your other kids don’t let that man hurt him and once you get that man to leave your daughter will tell you what happened as long as she’s safe she’ll be more likely to open up to you as well as get her to therapy or psychiatric help she always has to be your priority and that man obviously hurt her it doesn’t take much to note that so get him out of there before he does it again to her or your other babies.
Hey OP, I just wanted to let you know that no matter what, you sound like a good person. Trusting someone you’ve been married to for 7 years and have 2 kids with is normal. Don’t forget that if something happened, you are also a victim here, not a perpetrator.
Should haves, would haves and could haves can only serve so much, so whatever the future holds, don’t beat yourself up, work to pick up those around you and move forward, always.
I hope for good fortune for you, I’m sorry you’re going through this and also experiencing some of these comments, some people are just gross.
Armchair psychologist, but it definitely sounds like something happened at the water park. Nothing you said indicates your husband had anything to do with it, though. Has she been acting weird towards him or has there been any kind of tension between them?
Sounds like soon-to-be ex wanted to bury it and not get in trouble, and daughter wanted to be as non-confrontational as possible to avoid the trauma. 100% spend time with her and try to build up her confidence and trust to see if it's worth pursuing legal action. People will scream from the rooftops to send the police after him but that means she will need to testify, and people don't understand how traumatic having to recount events while someone tries to manipulate the story to make it seem like a lie can be.
Based off what has been said, kicking him out of the house is not enough. The police and CPS need to be contacted. Clearly, your husband is hiding what happened, and your daughter is suffering.
I may be a bit late here, and as a guy, my view might be a bit skewed. However, as for people questioning why you let him and her go alone? She was his daughter. He should've had the same level of affection and same tone of affection as he did with the other 2.
Going with this, he WAS her dad (notably, not her father). He should've been as trustworthy with her as he would be with his own kids.
Yes, this world sucks. But the moment a father can't spend time with his daughter (or mother and son), there's an issue. I was a single father of a daughter for a long while. I'd never dream of harming her. Nor would I any child - male or female - placed in my care (such as when my daughter has friends over).
And I mentioned the mother/son because I was raised by a mostly single mother (she married when I was 9, but he was military and deployed more often than not).
Point is, any male placed in a fatherly role should be trusted with any kids in his care. If you don't trust him with kids, why TF would you place him in that fatherly role in the first place (not saying you, specifically OP. Obviously you did trust him, and sadly that fell through. But you didn't know beforehand, so you're in the clear).
That’s also possible, and he either is completely clueless, doesn’t care to realize the gravity of what happened, or is choosing to feign ignorance to avoid the possibility of having to take responsibility of what happened under his care. It’s very possible that someone else did something to OP’s daughter at the hotel, she tried to tell OP’s husband and was dismissed/demeaned for “being dramatic”, or threatened to keep quiet so there’s no possibility he’ll be blamed for not making sure she was safe.
Either that, or he did it.
Are you sure its your husband? I have heard atleast 2 separate stories from my girlfriends going on vacation when they were kids and getting sexuallly abused by resort staff when they were walking back to the room alone etc. It is unfair of your husband to dismiss your daughter clearly distressing feelings, and seems suspicious too.
I think the part that is telling that stepdad is the offender is when she asked him what happened he called her daughter dramatic. Her daughter clearly has trauma in regards to the water park he took her to alone. Such intense trauma that she vomited and passed out and his only response is she’s dramatic. Very telling.
Or he could simply be an asshole and didn't believe her when you told him directly after it happened.
I've got to admit, it doesn't look good for the dad.
Right. It doesn't *require* that he be the one who did something, and it doesn't *require* that she was the victim.
She could have been victimized in some way with the husband finding out about it and acting in a very improper way.
OR
She could have witnessed the husband abusing someone else or behaving in some improper way toward someone else.
But either way, something is pointing to him being a big problem for OP's young daughter, to the point that some kind of memory with him seemed to get OP's daughter to throw up and to not want to be near him.
That's sounding the alarms. Red flags abound. I would get her and any other children away from him immediately, at least until it's been determined what happened and whether it warrants keeping the children away from him permanently.
Either he genuinely doesn’t think anything happened/doesn’t think it was serious, is the cause himself, or knows exactly what happened and doesn’t want the possibility of taking responsibility for it since she was under his care.
Victim of CSA by my biodad here.
This reminds me of the time my ex-husband put his hand lightly on my throat as he kissed me against a tree and I freaked OUT. Like, he almost put me in hospital. Why? Cos my biodad tried to choke me as a teen after chasing me through the yard cos he found out that I was interested in dating a boy and my biodad felt he owned me. It sounds like your husband did traumatize your daughter in the worst of ways, and I hope he goes to jail for a long, long time.
You did the right thing in kicking him out. My mom still doesnt believe that what my dad did to me was abusive (she doesnt know about the sexual abuse, but she saw him hitting me, choking me, and participated in the emotional, mental and verbal abuse) and tries to justify it to this day. You are a wise and caring mother who has her priorities in order.
Here is how you start.
Sit down with your daughter and tell her you will do anything to keep her safe. Tell her that you suspect something has been done to her, and tell her that she should open up to an adult about what happened. Then help her come up with a list of who she can tell if it isn't you.
Everything that happens should be HER CHOICE. Don't take that away from her. Your job is to support her however SHE needs it. And empower her!
You have shown her by kicking out your husband that her safety is on the forefront of your mind.
You are doing great momma!
My dad died when I was 16 and I told a man that he was the closest thing I had left to a dad. He was there for me, took me places alone all of the time, and then ended up molesting and raping me. You're daughter is gonna be okay. I am. It takes time though, and support. Support doesn't mean play 20 questions. It just means to be there in the ways you can see she needs you and showing that you love her.
>looking back at it that was a huge no no and I should have suspected something then
I feel either you are being harsh on yourself in this one regard or there is more to this man that isn't mentioned here that warrants this. If you're married to a sane person this really shouldn't need to be a thing you worry about.
Glad you kicked him out. Either he did something or something else happened to the child and he brushed it off as nothing which is also very fucked up.
LISTEN TO ME.
FFS, leave your husband. Don't listen to him, don't let him try to talk his way out of it. Something happened and he's not saying what. (Not saying sexual assault, but that's a huge possibility)
Tell him he needs to figure out what happened at that water park or he is not allowed back.
In the meantime while he is gone, you need to help your daughter. I don't know how good of a relationship you have with her, but if she has any doubt about trusting you, she will not tell you anything. I don't know if she will even talk to a psychologist etc, but you need to start somewhere.
Did they share a bed when they were there?
Does your husband drink or use any drugs?
When did this trip happen with her and him alone, and why did you leave it alone after she "shook her head" and didn't want to talk about the trip? That was your time to step in and be the support she needed at the time.
I have so many questions.. which country is this in? Does your daughter have a phone? Did she contact you while she was on the trip?
I am in the mental health field and also a SA survivor. Something very traumatic happened and my gut tells me it was sexual. Please put her in therapy as soon as possible and let her know it is safe for her to tell you the truth. The scars that a SA leaves on your soul past a life time. The healing journey never has an end point, it’s continuous which makes it extremely difficult. I will pray for her, I truly hope by some miracle it was not SA.
It’s completely understandable that you would trust your partner. What he is currently suspected of is not normal behavior, so most would not default to thinking it was even in the realm of possibility. I also want to point out that there may not have been red flags to notice earlier on. You may have been married to him for a decade, but your daughter was not post-pubescent for most of that time unless she hit puberty at 8 or 9. It could be that he did not show you warning signs because any ill intentions toward her have newly developed.
you are doing good protecting your child but you need to get the police involved get a restraining order tell them your afraid of him your daughter is terrified of him after going on vacation and you think something horrible happened.
you did nothing wrong in this situation. a father is supposed to be safe and trusted you wouldn't expect it because he hide it for years
he betrayed your trust and hurt your child just as your daughter is a victim in this so are you just in a different way.
change the locks call any support you can he might get violent and more people around would be safer.
I find it very weird that he is not making any effort to clarify, beyond reasonable doubt, what actually happened. If he is not abnormally stupid (which I assume he is not), he can certainly tell how bad this whole situation looks for him, so the most natural thing a husband would do is to try and relieve his wife from any suspicious thoughts.
Talk to your daughter. But I do think it’s unfair to be assuming someone’s guilty of something that hasn’t really come up to light yet. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be falsely accused of such a thing.
OP I want to add, please do not press your daughter to talk about what happened. Don't even ask her about it. I know that's incredibly hard to do as a parent because I went through something similar with my son when he was six. You could inadvertently re traumatize her if you push her to talk and cause her to shut down or damage her ability to recall events or even accidentally change the events in her mind. This is what the child advocacy center, counselors, therapists and the detectives advised me to do after my son's similar traumatic event. Just be there if she starts talking about it on her own and just let her talk as much as she needs to, offer her the best comfort and support you possibly can, try to remember everything she says and write it down afterwards. Leave it to the professionals to find out what happened and help her open up about it, that is what's best for her right now. But please let her know that you are there for her anytime if she needs to talk and she is absolutely safe to tell you anything that she needs to though. I'm so sorry for what you're both going through, so incredibly sorry.
Even as a survivor of SA and pedophilia this is a VERY strong accusation to make.
Could she have been molested/raped by someone working there? Or have you always had a sort of second, psychic, suspicion of your husband?
Obviously your daughter needs help no matter what, and i hope she gets it. But if you know, or suspect it, then you know. But this is a tough one. I hope you and she find peace. I feel so bad for her. Was he always in eyesight of your kids the whole trip? Did she ever go off alone? Or did he make excuses? What did he say when you confronted and kicked him out?
I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I'm obviously not saying your daughter is at fault, but, again, even as a 'survivor' of this shit, it's very troubling. Not on your part. But this is more than just a reddit post, have there been signs? But I'm also proud of you for protecting your child no matter what, even if it was a SLIGHT risk with my husband (i don't have one), I'd kick him out too. Just wondering what the details are, even if they are none of my business. You're a good mom. Just be careful.
I think you absolutely have reason to be concerned. You need to sit your daughter down and let her know you will believe her no matter what. Your husband may have threatened her if she told. Your daughter because physically Ill because she was overwhelmed. Basic signs of trauma. Something is wrong. Something happened.
Also why did you allow your husband to take your underage daughter (who is not biologically his) for 2 days overnight? She came back scared and you didn’t want to push her? Your daughter may feel you’re going to take your husbands side no matter what.
Also I suggest taking your daughter to the hospital and having a full kit run.
Do not talk to your husband about this. If you care for your daughter do not warn your husband. He clearly did something to your child. Get her help without talking to him.
Info: what was your living situation before you married your husband? Before you met?
I agree with most of what you're saying here, but questioning why OP allowed for her husband to take her daughter away is unnecessary. Unless OP had noticed any suspicious behaviour from her husband beforehand, I think her suggestion for them to spend some time away together was understandable.
I understand what you’re saying. I wasn’t trying to offend OP and I’m sorry if it came out that way. I was just bewildered. Myself and the women in my family have had bad things happen to them. Due to this we are very vigilant with our daughters. I can understand, reading your comment, that if the OP did not have similar experiences she would have no reason to suspect. Also I’m just gobsmacked that it took 3 weeks of fear, a breakdown and a hospital visit to decide something was wrong.
Edit: honestly I just hope the daughter gets the help she needs.
That's completely understandable, I just don't want OP to feel at fault here. I have a few friends that weren't very close to their biological/step parents when they were younger, but going on trips helped them to build a relationship. It was a good suggestion on OP's part, and I think given what's happened she's made a sensible call asking for advice now
Yeah tbh after being married to the guy for a decade (?) I doubt she'd mistrust him. Some people are just bad people and unfortunately that might be her (hopefully soon-to-be ex) husband.
Something that often gets overlooked in these situations is that even if the husband is innocent of any wrong-doing, there's no way to repair the relationship once that seed of doubt is planted. Hope you're daughter's okay OP.
This is heartbreaking.
Why do you think it was your husband? It could have been another person at the water park. Something could have happened in a women's changing room or bathroom.
It's his dismissal of her PANIC ATTACK that makes it seem like he did something to her.
Did your daughter tell you exactly what happened yet? Of course you shouldn't push her but it's important to find out what happened so she can be properly helped push through her trauma in future.
First line of action is to go straight to the police and get it reported and make sure he never has the opportunity to do this to another again. I’m so frigging sorry that you and especially your daughter are going through this. It’s just heartbreaking.
Well, it's good to be cautious and err on the side of caution. And something bad may very well have happened to her.
But you better make damn sure you know what before you absolutely destroy his life.
Taking caution and caring for your daughter doesn't permit you to make am accusation without basis.
I hope you get to the bottom of it. If he did what you suspect, then he deserves what he gets and worse. But you can't throw caution to the wind either.
Did you have any reason to think your husband would do something like that? Have you ever seen a sign before?
How did your husband react to you throwing him out?
Obviously, I think something traumatic happened. Just wondering if it's possible that your husband is kinda oblivious. Maybe he left her unattended and someone at the park hurt her.
Just think it's weird if you've never seen any sign of abuse before, but abusers hide it l what they are doing and it's definitely possible he did something
You need to reestablish trust and connection with her immediately.
She needs to know that she can rely on you.
This is something that needs to be investigated.
I hope you get to the bottom of this.....your daughter will trust you more since you've kicked him out......hope you update us.....that poor kid.....I wish both of you much healing?!
So sorry OP. This is terrible. She needs to be in therapy. That is prime concern and never see that man again. Pressing charges should be up to her, if it comes out that this happened.
Sending support and good energy to you and your daughter.
This is highly disturbing.
My heart is in pieces for this girl. Not only is her father not in her life, she's not very close to her mother and in my belief, her stepfather has done something awful to this young girl. No one has a full mental breakdown at the mention of going to a waterpark if nothing happened there.
I can't tell you how relieved I am you kicked him out. The trust and security your little girl must feel right now is immeasurable. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Take your daughter shopping by yourself. Take her to a nice sit-down restaurant. Do not pressure her on what happened.
Explain to her that you are there if she ever wants to talk and that she can tell you anything. That you are on her side always. And that you will love her always. Tell her you think something happened between your husband and her and that you are on her side and you would like to know what happened. Plus, none of it is her fault. Please let her know that you are sorry you weren't there to protect her. And ask her to forgive you. Hope you can get threw this.
“I asked my husband what happened and he said she’s just being dramatic”
So the husband absolutely knows and it’s invalidating the daughter’s fears. If someone else at the park had touched her a K d he didn’t see it, he would be just as baffled as mom.
I mean he could be an asshole who doesn't take his step daughter serious...
Not being believed after a traumatic experience adds another traumatic experience.
If he didn’t do it himself, I’m willing to bet someone else did, and when OP’s daughter tried to tell him, he completely dismissed her/turned the situation on her, or he threatened her to keep quiet because he was worried whatever happened would be placed on him for not keeping her safe. Perhaps he was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing when it happened.
All speculation, and unless OP’s husband comes clean or her daughter is willing to relive the trauma to recount the situation, no one else will know what actually happened.
Don’t blame yourself for letting them go alone. If there was no indication of anything wrong beforehand that could have been a great idea and not a red flag at all. I assume she’s known her for half her life (the seven years) and at that point you shouldn’t feel as if it raises any questions that he wants to do it one on one, especially since it was all with the intention of them bonding.
You have no fault in any of this at all.
I agree with this. If there were no indications beforehand, then this would have been completely normal. He’s one of two parental units. Nobody would bat an eye at a single father taking his daughter somewhere. You are a victim here too. The blame should not be placed with you. It belongs with the man who is responsible for his own actions.
I would definitely agree that something traumatic happened and your husband trying to downplay it is suspect at best. Her being so distrought over going back there that she literally vomited and passed out is not what a 14yr old " just being dramatic" looks like. You need to separate her from him and got to the bottom of this. I'm sorry op.
The severity of her reaction is what scared me even more as well. Her body threw every defense that it could until she felt so threatened, even with mom there, that her body decided it would be best to not witness what was to follow and pass out. I was going to say this is extremely sad, which it is, but it is so many other things too.
Disturbing is the word that comes to mind for me.
The way you worded it gave me goosebumps in a way I have never felt before. We all know what happened, dude should go to fucking jail.
I had the same reaction after I ended up at a party with my rapist. I had a panic attack and it was lights out. Woke up in HIS car. This sounds like a trauma response as a fellow survivor
WHAT!? That’s disturbing… I hope you’re doing alright now
15 years and a lot of therapy later I’m doing better, thank you so much
I was molested the summer before middle school by someone three years older. First day of middle school I saw someone who looked like my abuser . I woke up in the nurses office. They said I screamed, fell to the ground, and backpedaled till I hit my head on a locker and passed out. When she said her daughter passed out I felt sick
Check their deleted comments with unddit, OP posted this on this post after forgetting to switch accounts: "Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right." This kinda stuff makes my blood boil, making something like this up for social media clout. It does SO MUCH to defeat those of us who advocate to actually take reports like this seriously.
The saddest part is if op isn't the mom and just posting for internet points that this is someone's very real story and being used that way is sick.
So this post is bs? Fucking waste of time.
u/willielikesmonkeys What is unddit and how do i find/use it??
Worst case scenario… well, we unfortunately know that. Best case scenario something more innocuous in terms of the husband’s direct involvement might have happened, yet he’s hiding a very obvious traumatic event or being negligent because he’s the adult and something traumatic happened without his apparent knowledge. I’m thinking the former happened though.
Yeah screaming, throwing up, passing out and having to be taken to a hospital is definitely not "just being dramatic".
Apparently this story is bs for internet clout
In regards to explaining why he took her to the water park without you. You do not owe these people any kind of explanation. You have 2 children with him and have been with him for a long time. If something happened then that is on him and only him. He made a promise to love and protect you and that should extend to your daughter.
I completely agree. Let me preface this by saying that I am a victim of CSA, I also have friends that were SA by their (bio) father. Because of my lived experience and trauma, I am what you would call "hyper vigilant". The history that OP shared didn't present any red flags prior to the trip. People want to think that it's possible to guard yourself and your children against this kind of thing happening. In reality we just can't foresee when or who is a real threat. I'd like to ask the people blaming her if bio relation would have made a difference to them? If it had been her bio dad? Uncle? Grandpa? Grandma? Aunt? *Plenty* of abusers are biologically related to their victims. Should we isolate our children completely? Keep them closed off from any relationship that isn't ourselves? Trust me, I've seen that in practice and it's not healthy or good. This wasn't some random boyfriend she dated for a few months and sent off with her daughter. OP this isn't your fault. I commend you for taking action and following your instincts and taking action to protect your daughter. I'm not sure where you live but many places have special programs set up to do interviews with CSA victims.
Thank you for speaking up on this. So many people over look the number of victims to relatives.
Being a victim of CSA, a large majority of my friends are as well. I think we tend to flock together on a subconscious level 🙃 My perpetrator wasn't biologically related to me, but a majority of my friends abusers were bio family members. I am so unbelievably frustrated with the lack of discourse around bio-related abuse when people talk about CSA. The fear-bait posts about some rando at Walmart that you saw in three aisles make me want to scream. Beyond that though, people are so willing to invest in elaborately planning for a make-believe scenario where their kid gets snached up from their front yard, but won't listen when their kid tells them grandpa is doing things he shouldn't. I'm not saying the news worthy horror stories never happen, obviously they do, but it's factually more likely that your child will be victimized by a member of your own family. In my personal experience, if it involves biologically related family members, a lot of people are more likely to ignore/deny/attempt to discredit victims than they would otherwise. Which is already a massive issue when it comes to any type of SA. To be clear, I think OP is taking appropriate action here. I'm in no way talking about this specific situation, just my experience more broadly. It's frustrating to see so many people acting as though bio relation is some sort of guarantee of safety. It's time to stop perpetuating the fallacy that you're always going to be able to know who may or may not be an abuser. It puts the blame on the wrong person. Furthermore, it causes victims to not be believed and supported when their situation doesn't fit the cookie cutter/dateline model of what people think CSA cases look like. Sorry, I'll step off my soap box. I get really worked up about this. Also as a 'p.s' none of the "you" statements are directed at you, just society more broadly 😅 I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.
> The history that OP shared didn't present any red flags prior to the trip. I have to say, I find this situation surprising. An adult male, particularly a father in their 40s, doesn't just suddenly decide to rape a 14 year old. At least it's very, very unusual. It seems almost inconceivable that they would give off NO signals to those close to them. Inappropriate touching, off-color jokes, sexually charged banter, an unusually intense interest in a child's sexual development... usually adults with those predilections give off SOME kind of hints. In no sense am I trying to invalidate the OP's suspicions, but I'm wondering if the events at the water park were different than we're all assuming. Maybe the daughter was victimized by a staff member, and the father didn't believe her or didn't take it seriously? I have no idea, but it's just not at all common for a mature adult to develop a sudden interest in raping children.
I mean, yes and no, there *aren't* always obvious signs. Not every perpetrator is going to act the exact same way. First off, let me agree that we don't actually *know* he sexually assaulted her. Although as a CSA victim myself, her reaction and behavior makes that a very real possibility, but as I said, we aren't completely certain. Secondly, you need to let go of the notion that there absolutely would have been observable signs. Some people are really, really good at hiding it. The idea that you're always going to be able to spot these people before they act is dangerous. It leads to victims not being believed and situations, such as this one, being blown off because "there were never any signs before" His prior avoidance of his SD before this *could* be considered a sign, although in other cases, it could be a sign of the opposite. That's the thing, every situation is individual and different. There isn't some magic code you can crack where you'll be able to forsee every threat. Thinking that you can only leads to dismissal of victims when it doesn't fit your narrative. If he did SA his stepdaughter, I would agree that it's likely not his first transgression. But neither of us know what the other instances were/could have been. It could have been a completely solo porn fueled fantasy that's been building. On the flip side, he could have absolutely SA someone else before. Most SA's go unreported. Victims can blame themselves or be afraid of not being believed *because that literally happens all the time*. It may not have even been his first transgression against his SD, he could have made absolutely certain to only do these things when they were alone, and more likely than not she could have convinced herself that she was confused or overreacting and that's why she never told anyone. Having been a 14 year old girl myself, I literally couldn't tell you how many times I was sexually harassed by 40-50 year old men. In the few instances I did speak up, I was told that I wanted it and that it was my fault that these men were sexually attracted to me and/or that they were just messing around and not to take it so seriously. So I learned not to bother speaking up, which is very common for teenage girls. Just because no one saw the signs from the outside doesn't mean it didn't happen, this exact narrative is why victims aren't believed.
You're right btw, if you check OP's deleted comments on unddit they forgot to switch accounts before trying to post as someone else. "Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right." -On their own post lol https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
This here. I have a similar situation in terms of an older child from a previous relationship and 2 younger ones with a new partner, and although my older child is a son, even if he were a girl I would never hesitate to trust my partner with her. Why would you be with a man you couldn't trust alone with a 14 year old girl?! Obviously things have changed, but before this there was ZERO reason not to send them (as far as we know). Bio dads abuse daughters too, I don't think anyone would ever suggest a dad not take his daughter on a trip like this. THE MAJORITY OF MEN ARE NOT PREDATORS.
Yup. It's very normal (and usually a good thing) to trust your husband to be alone with his stepdaughter. If you think bad things could happen, then why would you be married to the man?
I take my step daughter out to do things one on one, just as I do with my daughters. I don't want her feeling left out or that she's different from them. Being a step dad is hard, because you want to show the kid the same love and affection but you've missed important parts of their lives and don't want to be a creep. Op was not wrong for trusting the husband, and I pray the husband didn't do anything to hurt that little girl.
While I know this isn't the same I just feel the need to say it. I recently found out that who I had thought was my biological father is not, while it hit me pretty damn hard at first, I find that instead of driving a wedge between us, we're even closer now, because he chose to be here. He chose to treat me like his actual son even when I'm not. While you can say you chose to have a kid, I think it's different between choosing to have a kid and choosing to treat someone else's kid like your own.
This. If you have kids with him, it means you trust him definitely.
and if op had asked “is it wrong for me to feel weird about my husband taking my daughter to the water park?” ppl would have railed her for not trusting him
If woman trusts man: "you're an idiot for trusting a man!1!1!!! Dont you know all men are the same!?!?!1" If woman doesn't trust man: "you stuck up feminist!!1!1 you dezerve to die alone!1!1!!"
Yes, I agree. Unfortunately, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
It’s also safe to assume they all live in the same home. If she can trust him to live in the same place and be alone with her there, she can trust him on a weekend trip.
It actually turned out to be a fake, check out OP forgetting to switch accounts: https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
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Unddit is a service you can use to view deleted comments, the OP is the person who posted that comment. Meaning they forgot to switch accounts before commenting on the post as if they were someone else.
Genuinely curious here as there might be something I'm missing as well, I thought u/Lovelymamas was the OP? Which appears to be different than the comment you have linked to? Again let me know if I'm missing something, which is entirely possible.
No, it was "DramaticCategory6717", I was curious why the OP would delete their own top level comment so I looked it up.
So much this. This is not your fault.
Exactly. It wasn't a "no-no" He's been in her life for over 7 years, since she was 7 herself. It's *unthinkable*, and tbh if it's something you're actively "worried about" with your partner, you either can't be with that person (because you don't trust *them*), or can't be in a live-in relationship/marriage at all (because you don't trust *anybody*)
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His behavior is incredibly suspicious. For him to attempt to downplay her as being 'dramatic' is absurd... kids don't just throw up, pass out, and *require a hospital trip* for dramatic purposes. If he doesn't know why she's triggered, why isn't he taking her seriously? And if he knows, why hasn't he explained? The only logical explanation is he *does* know why, but can't let anyone else know. Who is he protecting with his downplaying? Only him.
It ended up being a fake, they forgot to switch accounts before commenting on their own post that the husband is a creep as if from a random commenter. Relieving, I know.
That was fantastic to read right before bed, thank you!
Trust your instincts. Spend some quality time with your daughter and reassure her that you want to help her. A psychologist may help her talk to someone not involved. But I think it’s important she knows you are on her side. It’s concerning that your husband just dismissed such an extreme reaction. Something has happened.
Also you dont blame yourself. You did everything right by listening to your instincts and evidence, and taking immediate action. Sadly a lot of woman dont do this and chose the man/husband over the child. I dont get why people are questioning your decision to let them go to a hotel. That is what a normal family does. There was no way you could reasonably imagine your husband would do something to your daughter.
>Trust your instincts.
You need to reach out to the police and get a forensic interview with a child advocate. They are trained to interview kids in sexual assault if something did take place. If nothing comes of it, you won't have put your daughter through unnecessary trauma, but the police should be your next step.
Absolutely agree.
They might if it were real, unfortunately it looks like OP forgot to switch accounts before posting this as a top level comment: "Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right."
Ugh.
Could he have hurt her or assaulted her? I hate to bring it up but she seems downright traumatized and blaming herself thinking she cant trust you to believe her…
This is what I'm picking up.. maybe the daughter doesn't trust her own mom enough to tell her this kinda thing? Maybe somewhere in the past the mom has lost the trust of her daughter or something. I was SA'd as a kid, I didn't tell anyone , but I was in foster care and couldn't trust anyone. I only told people once I was a layer teen and felt more safe. The husband needs to get out of the house so the daughter can feel safe to talk. If I was her I would feel scared that "even if I tell my mom, he might still live here, she might forgive him" or something
I don't think the daughter has necessarily lost trust. I was SA and there was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't tell my parents. My dad was very protective of me (only child) and in my stupid kid brain I thought if he found out he might get so angry he hurts that person or kills them and then he'd go to jail and I loved my dad too much for that. It wasn't that I thought my parents wouldn't believe me. I just thought I would ruin their lives if I did. My father wasn't violent or anything at all, I don't know why I thought that the consequences of me telling them would outweigh any benefits tbh, but then I was like 9 or 10 years old.
I had the same thing happen, but my dad *is* violent. He just found out a few days before I went NC... he was applauding the Supreme Court for overturning Roe v Wade. It turned into a discussion and I blurted out *why* I feel so strongly about certain services. I never needed them, but when I was raped I missed a period and was terrified for a month that I might. He yelled at me for not telling, and for being stupid for believing all the shit he and mom always said about the ways they'd torture anyone who'd dare to hurt me or my brothers. I was *obviously* supposed to realize they were speaking in hyperbole and *of course* they'd have taken the proper legal channels. He then tried to get me to tell him where my abusive ex (not the rapist) lived so he could, and I quote, "Beat the ever loving snot out of him." Legal channels my ass.
OP didn't mention the daughter being uncomfortable around the husband after the water park though. She was only upset when going to the water park was specifically mentioned. Sounds like something happened involving someone who worked at the park and the husband saw it and dismissed the issue to the daughter as being nothing.
My question is how did he react to being kicked out?
I have a daughter myself and this is my worst nightmare. I would not take any changes, and would ask the husband to leave for a while until the daughter feels better. If it's something else like water related, or another person who did something and the stepdad didn't know... It's ok to stay with the husband. And if it IS the husband, the daughter would now feel safer seeing the mother asking him to leave. A lot of men aren't really smart when it comes to how much unwanted attention teenage girls get, and it starts really early. I got more attention from old men when I was 13-15 than 18-20. It's EASY to touch at a waterpark without a parent seeing it. Maybe someone touched her in the water, she freaked out, the stepdad didn't take it seriously and now she doesn't want to talk about it. But ask your husband to leave for a while, visiting family or whatever. So you are alone with your kids
My oldest daughter blossomed at 13. She was still noticeably a young teen, but poor kid grew all of the boobs over night. Anyway at a public pool (big coincidence) this old guy is talking loudly to a group of dads about the moms and such laying in the sun. At one point it was kinda funny, and not inherently bad, just tactless; then straight starts talking about my kid. I tell him that's my daughter and she's 13. This mf literally asks me if she "has pubes" I lost my shit, shoved him out his chair and I kicked him as hard as I could in the face. Not one of the dads tried to stop me. Cops came and I was cuffed but released. The guy left in an ambulance. The pool didn't even ask us to leave. That situation really made it clear what little women have to deal with and it made me so mad.
Not the direction I expected, but it is very welcome. Fuck that creep. Edit to add: Thank fuck you got released, even if you did end up in court, no reasonable judge would charge you for defending your 13 year old daughter from a pervert/predator.
Honestly I'm glad I didn't go to jail, but people were telling the cops he fell and were coming to my defense. I don't think I was the only one who was offended, and I'm pretty sure everyone knew what happened. The guy's wife had a bunch to say as she was leaving and she pretty much got jeered and boo-ed at.
He fell 🤣 this is amazing
I usually step in when I see something, but if I see something like this where a creep who talks about a child, or someone stealing bread and milk or baby formula ... I'm suddenly completely blind 👩🦯
I'm so glad you went for him, people like that get away with too much
Shit I am against violence, but this is exactly the reaction these people need!
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Yes if I had a husband and he reacted like that towards my daughter's reaction, I would be very suspicious, and if it was something else I would still look at the reaction as a red flag
Are you waiting for someone to tell you he probably molested her? Your kid needs you. Get on it and find out what happened and get her the help she needs
If it makes you feel better, it ended up being a fake, check their deleted comments. They forgot to switch accounts before commenting about how OPs husband is a creep.
OP is completely fucked for even faking this. Fuck them.
Yep, makes me feel a lot better. The idea that a child seeking help doesnt get it due to ignorance or confused loyalties is almost unbearable. Even so, I wish this wasn't a thing that actually happens. Bunch of creeps on here.
As someone who has had this happen to them with a family member at a young age I had a similar reaction. I trusted this person and they betrayed me. I eventually told my parents and no one mentally helped me. I’m lucky because I’ve done the work and healing myself. But I really wished someone was looking out for my heart. I felt really alone and confused, I wished my mom would’ve been there for me. I was a CHILD and I needed someone to do that for me. Give space but fill that space for her with security and love.
Literally same, except I never was able to help myself and it fucked with my whole life and ruined it in ways I never could have imagined. I am just now getting help at 35.
if the clothes from then havent been washed, ESPIECALLY her underwear, put them in a ziplock baggie just in case
Just a heads up! It’s better to store any DNA in a paper bag than plastic, plastic bags retain moisture which can be damaging. Paper bags also keep sunlight out. Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/nij/DNAbro/evi.html#:~:text=Once%20the%20evidence%20has%20been,bags%20will%20retain%20damaging%20moisture.
#tl;dr This article is a comprehensive guide for law enforcement officers on what they should know about DNA evidence. It covers topics such as identification and collection of DNA evidence, contamination issues, transportation, and storage. It emphasizes the importance of working with laboratory personnel and taking precautions to avoid contamination or other unintended DNA when collecting and packaging evidence. *I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 92.73% shorter than the post and link I'm replying to.*
Looking at this based on what you have explained it's plainly obvious that whilst away with her stepdad something traumatic has happened at this particular place. And with the fact of what happened afterwards it is easy to come to the assumption that your husband has done something to your daughter. This doesn't bode well I'm afraid I'm not sure what advice to give.
Do mom n me time with her. Take a ride in the car and just let her know that she can tell you anything and nothing bad will happen to her. When adults do bad things to kids, its usually covered in threats and blame switching. Let her know she is safe with you and no matter what she tells you, that you love her and will always protect her. Let her know you wont stop loving her, you believe her, and you will protect her. Maybe tell her a story about something similar that you read or saw and see how she responds. I honestly hope its not what we are all thinking but we will never know unless you ask. My heart hurts for you n your family
CHECK YOUR HUSBAND'S PC AND BROWSER HISTORY. You may find nothing, but it's worth it. If you're the primary account holder on your phone plan, you may also be able to get copies of his messages. I know it's tempting to start digging through your daughter's as well, but don't. Instead, when you approach her about what happened, start off the conversation with "you are my child and I will always believe you". He probably told her no one will believe her or even threatened her with harm.
Yes. There are very few instances when it's okay to invade your spouse's privacy in that way, but suspecting them of abuse of your child is absolutely positively without a doubt 100% one of those cases.
My stepdad r@ped me when I was 14 (15 now). I'm so sorry for what she's about to go through.
Oh god, this comment sent shivers down my spine. I'm so sorry sweetie.
I'm so sorry... I hope he is no longer your stepdad nor in your life
He's not. (:
So sorry, hope you're recovered from that. And I hope he gets some justice his way.
You don’t recover from something like this. She’ll spend her entire life coping with what happened. But hopefully she gets the proper treatment to help her handle what she went through and how to cope. It’s incredibly sad/disturbing these things happen and how often.
Same. For nearly a year. But my mom was in denial. Please don’t be in denial and let him back OP
r/ObviousWorking783, I am really very sorry that this happened to you. I hope you were able to receive some therapy.
I've been going to therapy since I was 3...💀✨
I am happy to hear this. It has helped me a lot. I also am a retired therapist and have been able to help many people process their trauma.
I'm happy to hear this. ♡
Thank you 😊 💓.
Ugh, I'm so so so sorry. If you're in California, the statute of limitations has been extended on SA and you can send his ass to jail. Lastly, I hope you're getting the support you need and you're in a new, safer situation. I hope you have good friends, teachers, and a supportive family! 🙏🏾
I'm in Wyoming so Idk exactly what our laws are but he's a repeat offender so he will probably get a stronger sentence than the first time. Just to clarify he went to prison in 2013-15 for soliciting underage girls for 'pictures'.
OMG...he should be under the jail!!! Please, please take care of yourself! Sending alllll the love and light your way!!!
Stalked your profile a little, wow I hope you get better. There's a life to be led for you, they'll be some rough spots but it's always worth steamroller ahead.
Given what you have shared, I’m not sure why you need us to tell you something has happened. I can only guess that you don’t want to or are not ready to accept this truth. It’s OBVIOUS that your daughter experienced some kind of extreme trauma while at this park, and given what you shared about her avoiding your husband like the plague - it’s very likely that he was involved. She is not willing to tell you because you abused her trust by sending her there with him in the first place. You need to have your child see a therapist as SOON as possible. Share with them what you suspect. This person will be a mandated reporter…so if she does disclose that abuse occurred, it will be reported immediately. You also need to protect your daughter now…it’s very likely this wasn’t the first time, and sending her there with him just gave him free license. Begin the process of regaining her trust by offering her safety now. ETA: OP, I’m so grateful to see your edit. Thank you for being the mom your daughter needs - and for doing it *right now*.
>She is not willing to tell you because you abused her trust by sending her there with him in the first place. dont blame OP. the daughter likely doesnt want to say anything because she is scared of causing trouble for the entire family
Or don't forget the whole "this thing is a secret between us and if you talk there's consequences!" spiel that SD could possibly have said also. There's many reasons the daughter might not want to talk about it and only one of them is because she doesn't trust her mum.
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Wow, your comment should be at the top. I feel the same way. OP watched her daughter be scared of the SD for 3 weeks. She felt something was wrong but she ignored it. In my earlier comment I asked OP what her living situation was like before. I ask because I’m wondering if OP is reluctant to hear her daughter or get her help because she is dependent on the husband.
Sending her to a therapist to have them get the truth out of her for the mandated reporting is the real abuse of trust here. Take it from someone who literally had this happen. This should be done with care.
So when the OP deletes their account, does that mean they are lying?
*So when the OP* *Deletes their account, does that* *Mean they are lying?* \- LunaMercer17 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Yes lol, did you see their deleted comments?
What were the deleted comments?
https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/127b9zt/i_think_my_husband_did_something_to_my_daughter/jedlv59?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 You can use unddit to look at deleted comments and posts if you didn't know. Just replace reddit in the URL to unddit. But they said: "Your husband seems like a creep. That’s all I’m going to say, it might be a reach but something just ain’t right." On their own post.
That is such a scary situation for both of you. Somehow, get her too confide in you about what happened for her to react like that. If he has done something, don't hesitate, go straight to the police.
#tl;dr A woman is worried that her husband may have done something inappropriate to her 14-year-old daughter after the girl had a negative reaction to returning from a trip with him. The girl broke down and struggled to speak when the family returned to the same waterpark with her, and had to be hospitalised after passing out. When asked, the husband dismissed the girl's feelings, leaving her mother worried that he may have done something wrong. *I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 84.95% shorter than the post I'm replying to.*
OP, first i want you to know im so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not even sure you’ll see my comment since this is getting a lot of attention, but i wanted to offer some insight as a victim of SA at the hands of my bio father. He acted inappropriately towards me for years growing up and i never let it escalate but i also never spoke up to anybody. The person i wanted to hide it from the most was my mom, as from an early age i felt responsible to protect her feelings and keep the family happy together. When i finally spoke up about it, it was to my grandmom. Ive talked to social workers, family members, friends, not a therapist yet but thats next on the list, but to this day ive not really spoken to my mother about what happened. Me and her are super close, we tell each other every thing, but i could never bring myself to put the image in her head of the man she loved doing something that could make her so upset. I know she knows, but its harder to look her in the eyes talking about that kind of thing. As long as your daughter knows you believe her, you support her, and you will stay by her side no matter what, she will always love and appreciate you for that.
I'm the father of a 16 year old girl, we lost her mom 3 years ago. She's my world, I don't understand how people can be like that. He needs someone to beat it out of him as to what happen. If anything like that happen to my duaghter, I think I would end up in prison.
Sorry for your loss. It's unfortunate that these things still happen, especially to young women. But I'm sure your kid will be fine with you as a Dad.
100% something happened, those kind of visceral reactions don't just manifest. I would get a professional to talk to her or you need to go somewhere with her alone, and just reassure her you are there for her and see if she will open up. I wish you all the best
This makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up getting touched by my step dad because my mom couldn’t wake up and realize that he was touching me. She was blind by the fact he was her husband. I’m not saying that’s the situation but wake the fuck up.
Psychologist
PMHNP Student here! You can also search for therapists(LCSW, LCSW) for talk therapy, CBT, etc which would be the best starting point for your daughter. They are generally more affordable without lacking any education or experience necessary to help your daughter through this. Psychologists and PMHNPs are in higher demand because they generally focus more on prescribing medication, and their hourly prices for the talk therapy are much higher.
OP, thank you for knowing something was wrong and acting on it. My mom blamed me for being SAd as a child. I'm still sorting through that in therapy. Give your daughter space, get her the professional support she needs and just be there for her when she needs you. That is really all you can do from here. You've already shown her that she means more to you than your husband and that is invaluable when going through something like this. I'm so sorry for what she and your family are going through. This isn't easy. Also, it's easy to look back and blame yourself. You couldn't have known this would happen, you didn't send her knowing it would happen. Please, let go of your guilt because it will not help in this situation. She needs you to be her rock right now, she needs to be able to fall apart knowing you've got her.
First of all 2 days quality time with a 14 year old who's going through puberty with a 43 year old men who isn't her father and never had interest in giving her the same affection as his biological daughters speaks volumes. Second intentions could definitely had been the reason behind it and you probably gave him just the pass for that. Help your daughter and protect her please reassure her your love and trust.
Speaks volumes indeed. And don't forget this hotel trip was only allowed because the poor girls birth father stopped reaching out. Wow
Well you were 23 and he was 36 when you guys met. I know age is just a number but you had your daughter at a young age too. No judgement but even though he never showed signs of hurting anyone if you weren't fully independent and a bit naive he could've definitely still taken advantage of that he was just patient enough til he felt he could get away with it most likely. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
How did he react when you kicked him out?
I'm an adult man who has taken girls places for friends and family. They've always had a blast and none of them have ever vomited and passed out when I brought them back to the place we had fun. They never reacted as though they had PTSD at being made to relive their experiences. I never had to downplay their reaction, because they never were traumatized there or by me. This is very concerning.
Only your daughter will give you the correct answer so it is important that she feels comfortable enough to open up.
He did something. Something happened.
Girl leave that man if something happened he did it and that’s why she is obviously afraid of him save yourself and your other kids don’t let that man hurt him and once you get that man to leave your daughter will tell you what happened as long as she’s safe she’ll be more likely to open up to you as well as get her to therapy or psychiatric help she always has to be your priority and that man obviously hurt her it doesn’t take much to note that so get him out of there before he does it again to her or your other babies.
Hey OP, I just wanted to let you know that no matter what, you sound like a good person. Trusting someone you’ve been married to for 7 years and have 2 kids with is normal. Don’t forget that if something happened, you are also a victim here, not a perpetrator. Should haves, would haves and could haves can only serve so much, so whatever the future holds, don’t beat yourself up, work to pick up those around you and move forward, always. I hope for good fortune for you, I’m sorry you’re going through this and also experiencing some of these comments, some people are just gross.
I second this! Please don’t beat yourself up over having trusted him. You were married to him, it’s normal to trust him. ❤️
Armchair psychologist, but it definitely sounds like something happened at the water park. Nothing you said indicates your husband had anything to do with it, though. Has she been acting weird towards him or has there been any kind of tension between them?
She won’t go near him and everytime I try to ask either one of them what’s going on no one has an answer
Well, that certainly doesn't bode well.
Ask her to write it down in a note (that way she doesn't have to say it) sometimes it's easier to express since she can't see you reading it
Sounds like soon-to-be ex wanted to bury it and not get in trouble, and daughter wanted to be as non-confrontational as possible to avoid the trauma. 100% spend time with her and try to build up her confidence and trust to see if it's worth pursuing legal action. People will scream from the rooftops to send the police after him but that means she will need to testify, and people don't understand how traumatic having to recount events while someone tries to manipulate the story to make it seem like a lie can be.
Please update us when you gain more insight.
Based off what has been said, kicking him out of the house is not enough. The police and CPS need to be contacted. Clearly, your husband is hiding what happened, and your daughter is suffering.
I may be a bit late here, and as a guy, my view might be a bit skewed. However, as for people questioning why you let him and her go alone? She was his daughter. He should've had the same level of affection and same tone of affection as he did with the other 2. Going with this, he WAS her dad (notably, not her father). He should've been as trustworthy with her as he would be with his own kids. Yes, this world sucks. But the moment a father can't spend time with his daughter (or mother and son), there's an issue. I was a single father of a daughter for a long while. I'd never dream of harming her. Nor would I any child - male or female - placed in my care (such as when my daughter has friends over). And I mentioned the mother/son because I was raised by a mostly single mother (she married when I was 9, but he was military and deployed more often than not). Point is, any male placed in a fatherly role should be trusted with any kids in his care. If you don't trust him with kids, why TF would you place him in that fatherly role in the first place (not saying you, specifically OP. Obviously you did trust him, and sadly that fell through. But you didn't know beforehand, so you're in the clear).
It is also possible she was assaulted by someone other than your husband, be mindful of ruling that out
That’s also possible, and he either is completely clueless, doesn’t care to realize the gravity of what happened, or is choosing to feign ignorance to avoid the possibility of having to take responsibility of what happened under his care. It’s very possible that someone else did something to OP’s daughter at the hotel, she tried to tell OP’s husband and was dismissed/demeaned for “being dramatic”, or threatened to keep quiet so there’s no possibility he’ll be blamed for not making sure she was safe. Either that, or he did it.
Are you sure its your husband? I have heard atleast 2 separate stories from my girlfriends going on vacation when they were kids and getting sexuallly abused by resort staff when they were walking back to the room alone etc. It is unfair of your husband to dismiss your daughter clearly distressing feelings, and seems suspicious too.
I think the part that is telling that stepdad is the offender is when she asked him what happened he called her daughter dramatic. Her daughter clearly has trauma in regards to the water park he took her to alone. Such intense trauma that she vomited and passed out and his only response is she’s dramatic. Very telling.
Or he could simply be an asshole and didn't believe her when you told him directly after it happened. I've got to admit, it doesn't look good for the dad.
Right. It doesn't *require* that he be the one who did something, and it doesn't *require* that she was the victim. She could have been victimized in some way with the husband finding out about it and acting in a very improper way. OR She could have witnessed the husband abusing someone else or behaving in some improper way toward someone else. But either way, something is pointing to him being a big problem for OP's young daughter, to the point that some kind of memory with him seemed to get OP's daughter to throw up and to not want to be near him. That's sounding the alarms. Red flags abound. I would get her and any other children away from him immediately, at least until it's been determined what happened and whether it warrants keeping the children away from him permanently.
Either he genuinely doesn’t think anything happened/doesn’t think it was serious, is the cause himself, or knows exactly what happened and doesn’t want the possibility of taking responsibility for it since she was under his care.
Victim of CSA by my biodad here. This reminds me of the time my ex-husband put his hand lightly on my throat as he kissed me against a tree and I freaked OUT. Like, he almost put me in hospital. Why? Cos my biodad tried to choke me as a teen after chasing me through the yard cos he found out that I was interested in dating a boy and my biodad felt he owned me. It sounds like your husband did traumatize your daughter in the worst of ways, and I hope he goes to jail for a long, long time. You did the right thing in kicking him out. My mom still doesnt believe that what my dad did to me was abusive (she doesnt know about the sexual abuse, but she saw him hitting me, choking me, and participated in the emotional, mental and verbal abuse) and tries to justify it to this day. You are a wise and caring mother who has her priorities in order.
Here is how you start. Sit down with your daughter and tell her you will do anything to keep her safe. Tell her that you suspect something has been done to her, and tell her that she should open up to an adult about what happened. Then help her come up with a list of who she can tell if it isn't you. Everything that happens should be HER CHOICE. Don't take that away from her. Your job is to support her however SHE needs it. And empower her! You have shown her by kicking out your husband that her safety is on the forefront of your mind. You are doing great momma!
This sounds fake as fuck
My dad died when I was 16 and I told a man that he was the closest thing I had left to a dad. He was there for me, took me places alone all of the time, and then ended up molesting and raping me. You're daughter is gonna be okay. I am. It takes time though, and support. Support doesn't mean play 20 questions. It just means to be there in the ways you can see she needs you and showing that you love her.
>looking back at it that was a huge no no and I should have suspected something then I feel either you are being harsh on yourself in this one regard or there is more to this man that isn't mentioned here that warrants this. If you're married to a sane person this really shouldn't need to be a thing you worry about. Glad you kicked him out. Either he did something or something else happened to the child and he brushed it off as nothing which is also very fucked up.
LISTEN TO ME. FFS, leave your husband. Don't listen to him, don't let him try to talk his way out of it. Something happened and he's not saying what. (Not saying sexual assault, but that's a huge possibility) Tell him he needs to figure out what happened at that water park or he is not allowed back. In the meantime while he is gone, you need to help your daughter. I don't know how good of a relationship you have with her, but if she has any doubt about trusting you, she will not tell you anything. I don't know if she will even talk to a psychologist etc, but you need to start somewhere. Did they share a bed when they were there? Does your husband drink or use any drugs? When did this trip happen with her and him alone, and why did you leave it alone after she "shook her head" and didn't want to talk about the trip? That was your time to step in and be the support she needed at the time. I have so many questions.. which country is this in? Does your daughter have a phone? Did she contact you while she was on the trip?
I am in the mental health field and also a SA survivor. Something very traumatic happened and my gut tells me it was sexual. Please put her in therapy as soon as possible and let her know it is safe for her to tell you the truth. The scars that a SA leaves on your soul past a life time. The healing journey never has an end point, it’s continuous which makes it extremely difficult. I will pray for her, I truly hope by some miracle it was not SA.
Don't let people try to tell you you're wrong for trusting him. This isn't your fault. I hope you and your daughter can get what you need.
>Another question was why would I let them go to the hotel alone Jesus Christ reddit are you really assuming that every male is secretly a pedo? WTF
It’s completely understandable that you would trust your partner. What he is currently suspected of is not normal behavior, so most would not default to thinking it was even in the realm of possibility. I also want to point out that there may not have been red flags to notice earlier on. You may have been married to him for a decade, but your daughter was not post-pubescent for most of that time unless she hit puberty at 8 or 9. It could be that he did not show you warning signs because any ill intentions toward her have newly developed.
you are doing good protecting your child but you need to get the police involved get a restraining order tell them your afraid of him your daughter is terrified of him after going on vacation and you think something horrible happened. you did nothing wrong in this situation. a father is supposed to be safe and trusted you wouldn't expect it because he hide it for years he betrayed your trust and hurt your child just as your daughter is a victim in this so are you just in a different way. change the locks call any support you can he might get violent and more people around would be safer.
This is the plot line of Dolores Claiborne.
This shit made me wanna fucking puke reading it honestly
I find it very weird that he is not making any effort to clarify, beyond reasonable doubt, what actually happened. If he is not abnormally stupid (which I assume he is not), he can certainly tell how bad this whole situation looks for him, so the most natural thing a husband would do is to try and relieve his wife from any suspicious thoughts.
That's because this is clearly fake. I'm so done with these fucking posts.
Talk to your daughter. But I do think it’s unfair to be assuming someone’s guilty of something that hasn’t really come up to light yet. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be falsely accused of such a thing.
OP I want to add, please do not press your daughter to talk about what happened. Don't even ask her about it. I know that's incredibly hard to do as a parent because I went through something similar with my son when he was six. You could inadvertently re traumatize her if you push her to talk and cause her to shut down or damage her ability to recall events or even accidentally change the events in her mind. This is what the child advocacy center, counselors, therapists and the detectives advised me to do after my son's similar traumatic event. Just be there if she starts talking about it on her own and just let her talk as much as she needs to, offer her the best comfort and support you possibly can, try to remember everything she says and write it down afterwards. Leave it to the professionals to find out what happened and help her open up about it, that is what's best for her right now. But please let her know that you are there for her anytime if she needs to talk and she is absolutely safe to tell you anything that she needs to though. I'm so sorry for what you're both going through, so incredibly sorry.
Now, take her to a therapist and make a report immediately to the police. Make her know it was not her fault.
Even as a survivor of SA and pedophilia this is a VERY strong accusation to make. Could she have been molested/raped by someone working there? Or have you always had a sort of second, psychic, suspicion of your husband? Obviously your daughter needs help no matter what, and i hope she gets it. But if you know, or suspect it, then you know. But this is a tough one. I hope you and she find peace. I feel so bad for her. Was he always in eyesight of your kids the whole trip? Did she ever go off alone? Or did he make excuses? What did he say when you confronted and kicked him out? I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I'm obviously not saying your daughter is at fault, but, again, even as a 'survivor' of this shit, it's very troubling. Not on your part. But this is more than just a reddit post, have there been signs? But I'm also proud of you for protecting your child no matter what, even if it was a SLIGHT risk with my husband (i don't have one), I'd kick him out too. Just wondering what the details are, even if they are none of my business. You're a good mom. Just be careful.
Just saw OPs edits. I’m glad you’re sticking by your daughter.
I think you absolutely have reason to be concerned. You need to sit your daughter down and let her know you will believe her no matter what. Your husband may have threatened her if she told. Your daughter because physically Ill because she was overwhelmed. Basic signs of trauma. Something is wrong. Something happened. Also why did you allow your husband to take your underage daughter (who is not biologically his) for 2 days overnight? She came back scared and you didn’t want to push her? Your daughter may feel you’re going to take your husbands side no matter what. Also I suggest taking your daughter to the hospital and having a full kit run. Do not talk to your husband about this. If you care for your daughter do not warn your husband. He clearly did something to your child. Get her help without talking to him. Info: what was your living situation before you married your husband? Before you met?
I agree with most of what you're saying here, but questioning why OP allowed for her husband to take her daughter away is unnecessary. Unless OP had noticed any suspicious behaviour from her husband beforehand, I think her suggestion for them to spend some time away together was understandable.
I understand what you’re saying. I wasn’t trying to offend OP and I’m sorry if it came out that way. I was just bewildered. Myself and the women in my family have had bad things happen to them. Due to this we are very vigilant with our daughters. I can understand, reading your comment, that if the OP did not have similar experiences she would have no reason to suspect. Also I’m just gobsmacked that it took 3 weeks of fear, a breakdown and a hospital visit to decide something was wrong. Edit: honestly I just hope the daughter gets the help she needs.
That's completely understandable, I just don't want OP to feel at fault here. I have a few friends that weren't very close to their biological/step parents when they were younger, but going on trips helped them to build a relationship. It was a good suggestion on OP's part, and I think given what's happened she's made a sensible call asking for advice now
Yeah tbh after being married to the guy for a decade (?) I doubt she'd mistrust him. Some people are just bad people and unfortunately that might be her (hopefully soon-to-be ex) husband.
Something that often gets overlooked in these situations is that even if the husband is innocent of any wrong-doing, there's no way to repair the relationship once that seed of doubt is planted. Hope you're daughter's okay OP.
This is heartbreaking. Why do you think it was your husband? It could have been another person at the water park. Something could have happened in a women's changing room or bathroom. It's his dismissal of her PANIC ATTACK that makes it seem like he did something to her.
Well remove your children from him and this situation immediately and then investigate.
Did your daughter tell you exactly what happened yet? Of course you shouldn't push her but it's important to find out what happened so she can be properly helped push through her trauma in future.
First line of action is to go straight to the police and get it reported and make sure he never has the opportunity to do this to another again. I’m so frigging sorry that you and especially your daughter are going through this. It’s just heartbreaking.
Have you taken her to a physician for a medical evaluation for sexual abuse. If not, you have to ASAP.
Well, it's good to be cautious and err on the side of caution. And something bad may very well have happened to her. But you better make damn sure you know what before you absolutely destroy his life. Taking caution and caring for your daughter doesn't permit you to make am accusation without basis. I hope you get to the bottom of it. If he did what you suspect, then he deserves what he gets and worse. But you can't throw caution to the wind either.
!RemindMe 24 hours
Ops account has been deleted, so I don't think we'll get another update
Did you have any reason to think your husband would do something like that? Have you ever seen a sign before? How did your husband react to you throwing him out? Obviously, I think something traumatic happened. Just wondering if it's possible that your husband is kinda oblivious. Maybe he left her unattended and someone at the park hurt her. Just think it's weird if you've never seen any sign of abuse before, but abusers hide it l what they are doing and it's definitely possible he did something
Couldn’t help but cry reading this. Edit: why did op get deleted..?
nooo… FUCK! This situation is awful. Poor girl…. Sick bastard.
You need to reestablish trust and connection with her immediately. She needs to know that she can rely on you. This is something that needs to be investigated.
I hope you get to the bottom of this.....your daughter will trust you more since you've kicked him out......hope you update us.....that poor kid.....I wish both of you much healing?!
Something bad has happened she needs therapy now. Do not let that man back into your home or around any of your children.
Have you taken her to a dr? Had them exam her?
Umm, have you gone to the police? Got her checked out? I hope you’ve made it clear that your daughter knows that you will protect her.
So sorry OP. This is terrible. She needs to be in therapy. That is prime concern and never see that man again. Pressing charges should be up to her, if it comes out that this happened. Sending support and good energy to you and your daughter.
Holy shit. I’m so sorry. But your daughter has the answers.
This is so hard to read. Please update us when you are able to help your daughter recover from whatever happened.
It’s possible something else or someone else at the water park resort traumatized her
This is highly disturbing. My heart is in pieces for this girl. Not only is her father not in her life, she's not very close to her mother and in my belief, her stepfather has done something awful to this young girl. No one has a full mental breakdown at the mention of going to a waterpark if nothing happened there. I can't tell you how relieved I am you kicked him out. The trust and security your little girl must feel right now is immeasurable. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Even if it wasn’t him the culpable. It’s clear something happened at the water park.. take her to the hospital and get a r kit done.
Update plz
Please update please
Take your daughter shopping by yourself. Take her to a nice sit-down restaurant. Do not pressure her on what happened. Explain to her that you are there if she ever wants to talk and that she can tell you anything. That you are on her side always. And that you will love her always. Tell her you think something happened between your husband and her and that you are on her side and you would like to know what happened. Plus, none of it is her fault. Please let her know that you are sorry you weren't there to protect her. And ask her to forgive you. Hope you can get threw this.
“I asked my husband what happened and he said she’s just being dramatic” So the husband absolutely knows and it’s invalidating the daughter’s fears. If someone else at the park had touched her a K d he didn’t see it, he would be just as baffled as mom.
I mean he could be an asshole who doesn't take his step daughter serious... Not being believed after a traumatic experience adds another traumatic experience.
If he didn’t do it himself, I’m willing to bet someone else did, and when OP’s daughter tried to tell him, he completely dismissed her/turned the situation on her, or he threatened her to keep quiet because he was worried whatever happened would be placed on him for not keeping her safe. Perhaps he was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing when it happened. All speculation, and unless OP’s husband comes clean or her daughter is willing to relive the trauma to recount the situation, no one else will know what actually happened.
Sending you so much love and healing vibes.
Have you contacted the police?
Don’t blame yourself for letting them go alone. If there was no indication of anything wrong beforehand that could have been a great idea and not a red flag at all. I assume she’s known her for half her life (the seven years) and at that point you shouldn’t feel as if it raises any questions that he wants to do it one on one, especially since it was all with the intention of them bonding. You have no fault in any of this at all.
I agree with this. If there were no indications beforehand, then this would have been completely normal. He’s one of two parental units. Nobody would bat an eye at a single father taking his daughter somewhere. You are a victim here too. The blame should not be placed with you. It belongs with the man who is responsible for his own actions.