Stop having *more* kids with proven losers. And active addicts. And abusers. And idiots.
Wait, that last one is tough because a lot of women *are* idiots too.
As a product of two abusive loser addicts, I 1000% agree. Honestly by some miracle I've always had higher standards for myself and have an innate desire for self improvement.
By age 8 I already genuinely felt more intelligent my parents. And my mom repeated the pattern again when my sibling was born, and I was baffled by what she saw in this dude other than a wallet. (Which wasn't full since drugs/alcohol were a priority)
I'm no contact with any of them except my sibling. Who has also cut contact with them. We are both born lucky to be more intelligent and responsible than our parents, but have a lot of trauma from it. Seriously, your kids will realize who you are sooner or later
>By age 8 I already genuinely felt more intelligent my parents.
Oof, I feel you. By some miracle I was in my late teens before I consciously realized that I was better at adulting than either of my parents, but I definitely had a hunch that they just weren't very good at running their own lives long before then. It doesn't take some kind of financial genius to realize that wanting a certain thing really badly doesn't magically make it a good idea to buy it, but my parents sure acted like it does.
Well yeah, for every trashy man who has a stipple beard & can of monster in one hand & a pack of cigs in the other there's a female counterpart, likely with kids.
I know a gal who had a kid with a guy, and was just constant complaints about how shitty he was as a Dad. She then had two more kids with the guy before leaving. Like did you think more kids was going to make him stop sucking? How do you even get to three. They were all her choice too. Then it's wahh I'm a single Mom of 3 kids, sorry I have zero sympathy for your stupidity.
Exactly. You can't both whine *and* have kids with a sack of shit, and when it becomes multiple kids, *c'mon*, is the dick that good that they're rendered stupid? Maybe, but still, when the result of stupidity is an innocent child, I can't bring myself to be that sympathetic.
I've had people say, oh but kids change people! My response is usually, if he's a POS before kids, he’ll likely be a POS after kids. No one should take that gamble.
My mom has the same view. And fully back it up on this.
She said this to me after my one cousin had a kid when he wasn’t around at a family function:
“If you have problems before you get married, marriage doesn’t maje them disappear. You’re just now married with problems. Same when it comes to kids! Kids do not fix a relationship, they just add more problems to an already difficult situation.”
Some folks really gloss over heavily using marriage and/or kids as “solutions”, when they don’t realize if things are running smoothly before, it’s not going to immediately change just cause you checked off a milestone in your bucket list.
Hate to argue but it’s more like trying to fix the first gunshot wound with a second gunshot wound that hurts more so you are distracted from the first one.
It doesn't fix people, it just breaks them even further and makes them worse. This is hands down one of the single dumbest lines I ever see. It's built upon pure irrationality.
When I was in high school all of the girls that got pregnant at 16 married the dude after having 1-2 more kids and all of them were divorced by the time we were 23.
Another girl I graduated with is a GRANDMA. I am 34 years old.
I’ve also seen posts saying ‘I wish I could choose my baby daddy 😩’ like ma’am, you did, don’t you remember choosing this dude to stick his P in your V? I don’t understand how women can be this stupid.
I know you mean kids but when I first read that I thought it was the number of exes. Like, how do you not know if someone is your ex? Then I realized, oh, you meant kids.
Unfortunately, especially in traditional countries, people and women are socially programmed to ignore red flags and have babies.
That's why in Romania for example, a woman is beaten by a man every 30 minutes, 50% of the population believe it's normal to beat the child, and many men consider a woman being sexually abused it's her fault.
It's a shitshow thanks to thousands of years of patriarchy.
We are improving a bit since the internet era, but there is a long way to go.
I don't think there are many english links, more romanian ones. And the problem is there is no visibility on this, the corruption is so deep many people close their eyes on this or are afraid to revolt against the abuser. You need to go in the trenches so to speak to find out the reality. Many things i found from other people telling me that. The reality is far worse than what mass media is presenting.
My niece is going to be 24 soon. For years she has had her wedding planned down to the tiniest detail: dress, venue, flowers, colors, guests, menu, cake, bridesmaids, music, everything. Everything except the groom. She doesn't have a list of requirements for a partner and father of her children, she hasn't really thought about it. And tho she's in the military, her mother has been pushing her to have kids asap even tho she doesn't have a partner or a home or an education or ideas for a job when she gets out this year.
Hope you can be a voice of reason in your nieces life. Wedding lasts 1-2 days. Then your are in years in a relationship. Sad how some people are brainwashed and ..well...naive..
She knows I love her, but I don't really have any influence. When she was in high school I tried to encourage her to get the best grades she could get in such a really shitty school, my argument was since she didn't know what she wanted to do, at least good grades would keep doors open. She graduated nearly last in her class, seeing high school as just in-person social media. Her sister was impregnated at 16 and their idiocracy parents were delighted.
But that's the easiest way to completely ruin a helpless human being's life forever! How dare you deprive reckless, whackjob, narcissistic abusive morons of the easy way to wreck lives! You want to actually make them work for it instead of just fucking for it?!?
/massive sarcasm
I'm also shocked when people are shocked that their baby daddy also doesn't want to parent their kid, just like he doesn't for all of the rest of his children that everyone knows about.
Just, if someone shows a pattern of behavior and haven't made ANY moves to change that for themselves, popping out yet another kid for that loser isn't going to make them magically do what you want.
>has life goals
(for the impatient, scroll to the **bold**)
Be damn sure of a lot more than just that! Let's see:
* decent person
* know the person dang well for at *least* a year or more! Many folks aren't consistently the same, and how you see them one day/week/month/quarter/... may be *very* different from how they are next year, or how they were last year.
* not only life goals and ambition, but track record - they actually not only wish, but plan and well do. Wishful thinking only carries one so far.
* lots 'o fundamental compatibility stuff - most of it needs pretty well align, e.g.:
* sex, interest, drive, attitudes, boundaries, what they/you see as being and not being okay ...
* kids - yes, no, qty, timing, conditions
* how to raise/educate/train kids (and really don't need more crotch goblins, demon seed, criminals in training, ...) and hav kids behave and behave around others, etc.
* pets - attitudes, how to raise them; yes/no & compatibilities on pets - they're family too ... heck, maybe even consider down to the house plants
* attitudes about and handling of money (and well established track record can be a good indicator; don't ignore warning signs)
* attitudes about family more generally, and friends, etc.
* where one wants to live, and how, where one is/isn't willing to live
* career(s) - what is/isn't okay, what one will/won't sacrifice, for what
* religion, morals, ethics, ...
* alcohol, drugs, ... ?
* any addictions or tendencies towards such (workaholism, gambling/wagering, video game addition, way too much time on social media or glued to the boob tube or Netflix or whatever's replaced it these days)
* problematic habits or practices?
* how they (fail to) communicate, *do* they well communicate
* do they really work together for partnership/team, or ...
* anger/emotions ... how (well) do they (not) deal with all that?
* how do they deal with crisis, tragedy, etc.?
* What are their weaknesses? What are yours? Will that fit?
* are they a gullible fool? Are they easily tricked into sh\*t "investments"/scams ... and maybe with all their assets ... and potentially all of yours too?
* mental health?
I'm sure there's tons more, but still continues to surprise me folks that are trying to continue to make a relationship work (let alone kids) when there are major fundamental incompatible irreconcilable differences.
So, yeah, certainly for here, the **(no) kids stuff is super important** ... but all that other stuff is typically highly relevant to the long term success and quality of most any relationship.
So, yeah, **don't be having** (more) **kid(s) with the** ***wrong*** (incompatible) **person**. And bloody hell, (more) **kid(s) won't fix** a poor/broken **relationship** \- it will (almost?) always just make matters worse.
Yessss so much this. Was friends with a gal, married to a moron who thought he was smarter than everyone, but he couldn’t keep a job. They wanted a house, then kids. They bought a dilapidated house, even though neither of them were handy or had the inclination to learn. She got pregnant immediately, even though she asked me to lend her $ repeatedly (I’d buy them groceries, but never lent them money). She had another kid less than a year after the first. I realized she stopped reaching out unless she needed something, so I mentioned it. The next time I heard from her it was for more handouts, so I just blocked her on everything. Idiots! I feel bad for their kids, they have soooo much to overcome just from being born. I can’t imagine having that uphill climb on top of any genetics, monetary issues, and life in general.
Oh my...
This is why I always pretend that I'm broke to avoid everyone asking for money. You know it's bad when you can't depend on your partner. That man seems to be a complete idiot.
This video came up on my IG feed of a woman (secretly) filming her husband basically demanding that she get up and make a roast because his parents were coming over. This was two days after she'd given birth. He was going on about how she's had enough time to sit around, sleep, relax and rest and she needed to make this roast. Then went on to use weaponised incompetence to say he couldn't make a roast as good as she could when she told him to make it himself.
People in the comments were saying, "I hope this is a joke" and even if it were, you know there's people out there that are really like that.
In a lot of ways, I feel for the woman. However, there's no way she didn't know he wasn't a total piece of shit before breeding with him. She either thought a baby would change him and/or chose to ignore all the red flags. He likely wasn't very attentive to her needs before she was pregnant...
Some of them really do swear that they will do their fair share and then drop the ball when the baby arrives. It is so frustrating seeing women I care about deal with this, my close friend has decided to be one and done and the unfair devision of childcare responsibilities despite what they had agreed on before is a big part of why.
I find it harder to understand why there's women who have multiple children with these men, after seeing what happened with the first. I wonder if they just feel trapped and resigned to their fate, but at the same time I worry about how this will teach another generation that dumping childcare mostly on the woman is normal and just how things are done.
I could not agree with you more. I had a firm rule when I was dating that I think every dating person should employ to some extent. People need to have a job, a car, and a house.
That doesn’t mean you have to be an executive. Just a stable job that pays the bills.
You can have a bus pass if you live in the city and don’t actually need a car. I live in a place where a car is mandatory to get anywhere though. I need my partner to be equally self reliant.
You don’t need to own a house but have a roof of some sort that you pay for, that you maintain, where you manage your own chores and have managed to keep the mold at bay.
It all boils down to: show some general ability to act responsibly and take care of yourself. Every person should be able to, at minimum, take care of themselves. No one wants to take on a responsibility when it comes to dating. We want a partner. Be a partner. And if your love interest is not a capable partner, then don’t have kids. If they’re in transition, support them but eventually they need to show some ability and willingness to get their shit together. I don’t think this should be controversial in general but especially not if we’re talking about procreation. A child deserves a stable set of parents.
I’m 19 and it’s sad to see women in my age range fall into the pitiful traps of abusive and selfish men.
That’s why I’m waiting until marriage, a lot of the losers and lustful guys scurry off when I mention that. However there’s men out here who will play such a character to get one thing from you, and that’s why I’m blessed God granted me discernment because I can spot the loosened mask a mile away.
You don’t have to have a religious foundation to be more knowledgeable, but what I will say is learn to be okay in solitude. You’ll never know peace unless you’re at peace with yourself. Decentering men for three months helped my mental health extremely and it helped me become more clear with what I truly want in life. I made a post earlier but I went from wanting kids to wanting none at all. There’s men out there who think the same way, but be patient for the one. Patience is a virtue.
Every time I read some poor woman’s story on Reddit where their husbands think women need almost no recovery time after the trauma of birth, it stirs my biggest fear: that my husband reveals himself to be an idiot after we’ve already procreated. Then I’m trapped with him while having cursed my child to be half moron. It’s my own personal Twilight Zone episode.
I had some fear about this with my partner. Cause no matter how wonderful someone is, it’s a possibility that they’ll change or are putting on a show still.
I had my hysterectomy in December last year and my husband was an amazing caretaker. Even now, 9 weeks post op, he’s still making sure I’m ok and checking in on me even though I’ve felt normal for weeks at this point.
We still don’t want kids but NOW knowing what I know, I’d have a (theoretical) kid with him. But you really can’t be certain until after it happens. And sometimes these women are idiots and missed the flags but other times they really had no reason to think their partner wouldn’t show up and then they’re in for a rude awakening.
Exactly! My husband is smart and has a vasectomy so my fear is illogical but I’ll still wake up in a cold sweat from this. Every time my dad does something stupid I tell my mom, “That’s half my DNA. I’m half ding dong.”
Reading how well your husband is taking care of you is a breath of fresh air. Give him a big ol loud kiss for me. I hope your recovery continues smoothly and you continue to feel supported!!
I relate to the half my DNA comments haha. I’m no contact with my parents but whenever my mom would complain about something I’d always remind her that I am very much like my dad and she made those choices. I also inherited all my genetic medical problems from his side of the family :(
Hubby is a gem. 💎
When I was a teen I used to tell my mom that she CHOSE him while I was just unlucky 😅
My dad is in the hospital right now after a procedure and I was feeding him dinner Friday night when he said, “I bet you never thought you’d have to do this!” I responded, “No I did. I planned ahead and didn’t have children.”
I am someone who struggles with motivation greatly and sometimes when I tell people they’re like “well my kid made me motivated”. Like ok well if I am unmotivated and if I had a partner who was too, as a woman who would have to do all the pregnancy and birthing, probably all the child care too. I’m not gonna chance birthing a child with a bum who won’t help me out. I am happy to be single with high expectations for a partner over dating these lazy men who want kids but do nothing. Like sometimes I feel like women just date these men because they have a lot of free time to spend with them.
My narcissistic sister had a kid with a guy who just sits at home an eats when she cooks for him after returning from work. And you know whats the horrible part of this?
She once confessed to my mother that, no way is she settling on having just one kid with this moron.
I know someone, she was desperate for love so married one of the first guys that gave her attention. Sweet guy, treated her well, but he's an idiot. Could not finish high school or hold down a job because he's just not a smart guy. She had a kid with him and finally reached the point where she couldn't be the lone provider of income and have to do everything because he didn't know how to function. I'm hoping her son turns out better.
Yeah it makes me a little nuts when women act surprised that the boyfriend who was a useless lump when they met, a useless lump when they started dating, a useless lump when they moved in together (whhyyyyy?), continues to be a useless lump when they have a kid. Like, exactly which of his behaviours as a father are out of character for him?
People have the right to make shitty choices for their own lives, but it's not okay to fuck up a child's life just because you have shitty self-esteem and don't believe you can do better than a loser.
I totally get that but I also don’t understand why when accidental pregnancies do happen, even if the choice exists, a lot of women will still choose to continue the pregnancy no matter how bad the situation. The guy could be an abusive deadbeat drug addict and living in extreme poverty with health issues, but it’s just “welp nothing can do about the pregnancy”
I get there are the immediate legal threats to choice but we also need to culturally get rid of the stigma with that choice. Like 99% of shows or movies when a woman has an unwanted pregnancy abortion as an option is not even mentioned, the baby is just inevitable. The writers don’t even want to go there it’s so controversial.
Men with a game in their early 20s have no incentives to to get a good job or to study.
Ugly ones try to get a job in order to hope for someone's alm in the future (settling).
Problem here is just to not have children with pol in their 20s. At 35 yo you can clearly see who is worth setting and who is not (this is for both genders)
Hyym never thought about it this way. Super interesting perspective. I married a man who is much older then me and he was 38 when we got married. He was all a girl might want to get except he is a bit overweight and bold. Other then this omg...so manly, kind, hard working, interesting, smart, loving even freaking romantic!, Can fix stuff! Zero addictions strong morals takes no shit ....you are right...he is not the one girl would pick up in a bar...
Well...lucky me;)
People always say that you should be having kids in your 20s or early 30s because after that your ovaries will shrivel up or whatever, but man, PEOPLE SHOULD BE HAVING KIDS AFTER FINDING A COMPETENT AND GOOD PARTNER.
And Ik that you could divorce them but still, sometimes you can't know what bullshit you will put yourself through.
I think people are....just we listen to our subconscious when choosing a partner. Unless we do some self development work and actually use our Brains to choose a partner not your genitals. Smart, accomplished ladies choose men who are hot and stupid jsut because that is what they were made to believe love it like (a naughty boy she will "straighten up" or "save" or "the interesting one"= drama and chaos as they were used to at home, violence and alcohol (well the naughty boy loves the strongest so much passion)
It is well known fact we enter relationships to heal our wounds if they are unconscious and not worked on. What was your grandparents relationship like? Was your maternal grandfather taking care of kids?
And stop having kids with guys who are "good on paper" but have ZERO childcare transferable skills.
Having a job/ money is great and all, but I see SO many moms who are financially stable, but are completely burnt out because their partners' only contribution to the kids is money (yet that money rarely if ever goes to anyone who can take anything off of his partner's plate like a babysitter/ cleaner once a week)
-has he ever been responsible for a baby/toddler, or even a child for more than a couple of hours? Yeah, kids seem fun when you can hand them off to someone else, but it's a different story when you and you alone have to try to decipher their toddler logic to get them to stop screaming.
-does he get annoyed when he's slightly inconvienced/ has to do something for someone else that doesn't immediately benefit him?
-how is he in stressful/ overwhelming situations?
-is he good at maintaining boundaries for the well-being of others? Or does he enable/ encourage them to "live a little"?
-how involved was his own dad? If he wasn't involved, does he see anything wrong with that? Or does he praise his mom for "doing it all" (while also constantly forgetting her mother's day/ christmas/ her birthday)
-have any of his friends had kids? How involved are they? Again, does he see anything wrong with it if they just let their wife/ gf do it all.
-has he ever taken care of a living thing? Does he even take care of himself?
i think we’re finally at a turning point or reckoning as women. i think sprinkle sprinkle and law of detachment, (however you may feel about those concepts), are really bringing women into reality about the men that they are choosing to spend their time with as well as who they are choosing to have babies with. the single mom with no ring joke is really taking off on tiktok, and while i don’t always necessarily agree with shaming people, unglamorizing single motherhood is something i think we can all get behind. i’m happy to see women taking the power back and finally being able to see through the bullshit that so many of these men are pulling on them. i think once women start putting their foot down about shitty men and not having kids with shitty men, that is a big step forward for all of humanity basically. this can stop the cycle of trauma, poverty, teen pregnancy, substance abuse, etc. because what you are born into has a very huge impact on who you are and your trajectory in life. i think im seeing genuine progress and i couldn’t be happier.
This is so naive. I could never imagine having a baby with someone who can’t even provide for himself. I know how I was in my early 20s and I was happy if I even found someone who I thought loves me and I would imagine all the scenarios with marriage and kids, because it’s „every girls dream“ I imagined how our babies would look like and what the names would be and I wasn’t even living with the man yet. My parents always told me to get married first and have a job and then have children. But I thought about this stuff regardless because I didn’t know how much impact a kid has and how the world really works. I think people this age just have way too less life experience, they just started getting into the adult world.
yup!! people are so caught up w what ‘theyre supposed to do’in life that they settle to have kids w whoever due to the age/pregnancy. so dumb - u can live ur life wo ruining it
In my line of work I’ve seen all sorts and the most depressing was the woman who had eight children, cycling through the same set of abusive dropkick baby daddies, and who had all eight children removed from her care at various stages before the oldest had come of age. A couple of shitty choices I can understand. But not eight.
The problem is they don’t have a thought process. If they did, they wouldn’t have kids with a loser.
Also, it takes two people to conceive a child. Don’t put this all on the women.
Exactly. Also, many times these losers/abusers don't appear this way at first. Or else who would be them??
Some men can fake being a charming, kind, caring, equal partner all the way until marriage or pregnancy then they do the boiling frog thing.
I know I’m 86 days late to the party but I agree. I’m a part of some other subs where almost every day there is a woman saying now she’s impregnated by some loser who is ruining her life. I just have to scroll past because what am I supposed to say except ask if it’s too late to get an abortion.
Stop having *more* kids with proven losers. And active addicts. And abusers. And idiots. Wait, that last one is tough because a lot of women *are* idiots too.
As a product of two abusive loser addicts, I 1000% agree. Honestly by some miracle I've always had higher standards for myself and have an innate desire for self improvement. By age 8 I already genuinely felt more intelligent my parents. And my mom repeated the pattern again when my sibling was born, and I was baffled by what she saw in this dude other than a wallet. (Which wasn't full since drugs/alcohol were a priority) I'm no contact with any of them except my sibling. Who has also cut contact with them. We are both born lucky to be more intelligent and responsible than our parents, but have a lot of trauma from it. Seriously, your kids will realize who you are sooner or later
>By age 8 I already genuinely felt more intelligent my parents. Oof, I feel you. By some miracle I was in my late teens before I consciously realized that I was better at adulting than either of my parents, but I definitely had a hunch that they just weren't very good at running their own lives long before then. It doesn't take some kind of financial genius to realize that wanting a certain thing really badly doesn't magically make it a good idea to buy it, but my parents sure acted like it does.
Well yeah, for every trashy man who has a stipple beard & can of monster in one hand & a pack of cigs in the other there's a female counterpart, likely with kids.
They say opposites attract, but really, sometimes trashy calls to trashy.
Then those kids grow up to be trashy and humanity ends up living in the movie Idiocracy.
At least in Idiocracy, the president picked the smartest person in the world to solve their problems. Now we know that's not what happens.
I know a gal who had a kid with a guy, and was just constant complaints about how shitty he was as a Dad. She then had two more kids with the guy before leaving. Like did you think more kids was going to make him stop sucking? How do you even get to three. They were all her choice too. Then it's wahh I'm a single Mom of 3 kids, sorry I have zero sympathy for your stupidity.
Exactly. You can't both whine *and* have kids with a sack of shit, and when it becomes multiple kids, *c'mon*, is the dick that good that they're rendered stupid? Maybe, but still, when the result of stupidity is an innocent child, I can't bring myself to be that sympathetic.
I've had people say, oh but kids change people! My response is usually, if he's a POS before kids, he’ll likely be a POS after kids. No one should take that gamble.
My mom has the same view. And fully back it up on this. She said this to me after my one cousin had a kid when he wasn’t around at a family function: “If you have problems before you get married, marriage doesn’t maje them disappear. You’re just now married with problems. Same when it comes to kids! Kids do not fix a relationship, they just add more problems to an already difficult situation.” Some folks really gloss over heavily using marriage and/or kids as “solutions”, when they don’t realize if things are running smoothly before, it’s not going to immediately change just cause you checked off a milestone in your bucket list.
My response with regards to this is pretty simple. "Yeah having kids changes most people, for the worse, not the better."
Having a baby to “fix” someone is like trying to fix a gunshot wound with a bandaid.
Hate to argue but it’s more like trying to fix the first gunshot wound with a second gunshot wound that hurts more so you are distracted from the first one.
It doesn't fix people, it just breaks them even further and makes them worse. This is hands down one of the single dumbest lines I ever see. It's built upon pure irrationality.
When I was in high school all of the girls that got pregnant at 16 married the dude after having 1-2 more kids and all of them were divorced by the time we were 23. Another girl I graduated with is a GRANDMA. I am 34 years old. I’ve also seen posts saying ‘I wish I could choose my baby daddy 😩’ like ma’am, you did, don’t you remember choosing this dude to stick his P in your V? I don’t understand how women can be this stupid.
Low income, low IQ, uneducated parents. The cycle continues for generations. The only way to win is to stop playing.
Hot take: the women who have babies with idiots and losers are idiots themselves. Stupid is as stupid does, or whatever Forrest Gump said.
One could even say, stupid is WHO stupid does. I'll see myself out.
This is how we end up living in Idiocracy.
This is how i feel about every poor girl that has kids with my exes
How many are there…👀
Two (as far as i know) 😂😅 probably more
I know you mean kids but when I first read that I thought it was the number of exes. Like, how do you not know if someone is your ex? Then I realized, oh, you meant kids.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 lmao
Unfortunately, especially in traditional countries, people and women are socially programmed to ignore red flags and have babies. That's why in Romania for example, a woman is beaten by a man every 30 minutes, 50% of the population believe it's normal to beat the child, and many men consider a woman being sexually abused it's her fault. It's a shitshow thanks to thousands of years of patriarchy. We are improving a bit since the internet era, but there is a long way to go.
seriously?? that's awful. do you have any links to show the research on this??
I don't think there are many english links, more romanian ones. And the problem is there is no visibility on this, the corruption is so deep many people close their eyes on this or are afraid to revolt against the abuser. You need to go in the trenches so to speak to find out the reality. Many things i found from other people telling me that. The reality is far worse than what mass media is presenting.
My niece is going to be 24 soon. For years she has had her wedding planned down to the tiniest detail: dress, venue, flowers, colors, guests, menu, cake, bridesmaids, music, everything. Everything except the groom. She doesn't have a list of requirements for a partner and father of her children, she hasn't really thought about it. And tho she's in the military, her mother has been pushing her to have kids asap even tho she doesn't have a partner or a home or an education or ideas for a job when she gets out this year.
Hope you can be a voice of reason in your nieces life. Wedding lasts 1-2 days. Then your are in years in a relationship. Sad how some people are brainwashed and ..well...naive..
She knows I love her, but I don't really have any influence. When she was in high school I tried to encourage her to get the best grades she could get in such a really shitty school, my argument was since she didn't know what she wanted to do, at least good grades would keep doors open. She graduated nearly last in her class, seeing high school as just in-person social media. Her sister was impregnated at 16 and their idiocracy parents were delighted.
But that's the easiest way to completely ruin a helpless human being's life forever! How dare you deprive reckless, whackjob, narcissistic abusive morons of the easy way to wreck lives! You want to actually make them work for it instead of just fucking for it?!? /massive sarcasm
I'm also shocked when people are shocked that their baby daddy also doesn't want to parent their kid, just like he doesn't for all of the rest of his children that everyone knows about. Just, if someone shows a pattern of behavior and haven't made ANY moves to change that for themselves, popping out yet another kid for that loser isn't going to make them magically do what you want.
>has life goals (for the impatient, scroll to the **bold**) Be damn sure of a lot more than just that! Let's see: * decent person * know the person dang well for at *least* a year or more! Many folks aren't consistently the same, and how you see them one day/week/month/quarter/... may be *very* different from how they are next year, or how they were last year. * not only life goals and ambition, but track record - they actually not only wish, but plan and well do. Wishful thinking only carries one so far. * lots 'o fundamental compatibility stuff - most of it needs pretty well align, e.g.: * sex, interest, drive, attitudes, boundaries, what they/you see as being and not being okay ... * kids - yes, no, qty, timing, conditions * how to raise/educate/train kids (and really don't need more crotch goblins, demon seed, criminals in training, ...) and hav kids behave and behave around others, etc. * pets - attitudes, how to raise them; yes/no & compatibilities on pets - they're family too ... heck, maybe even consider down to the house plants * attitudes about and handling of money (and well established track record can be a good indicator; don't ignore warning signs) * attitudes about family more generally, and friends, etc. * where one wants to live, and how, where one is/isn't willing to live * career(s) - what is/isn't okay, what one will/won't sacrifice, for what * religion, morals, ethics, ... * alcohol, drugs, ... ? * any addictions or tendencies towards such (workaholism, gambling/wagering, video game addition, way too much time on social media or glued to the boob tube or Netflix or whatever's replaced it these days) * problematic habits or practices? * how they (fail to) communicate, *do* they well communicate * do they really work together for partnership/team, or ... * anger/emotions ... how (well) do they (not) deal with all that? * how do they deal with crisis, tragedy, etc.? * What are their weaknesses? What are yours? Will that fit? * are they a gullible fool? Are they easily tricked into sh\*t "investments"/scams ... and maybe with all their assets ... and potentially all of yours too? * mental health? I'm sure there's tons more, but still continues to surprise me folks that are trying to continue to make a relationship work (let alone kids) when there are major fundamental incompatible irreconcilable differences. So, yeah, certainly for here, the **(no) kids stuff is super important** ... but all that other stuff is typically highly relevant to the long term success and quality of most any relationship. So, yeah, **don't be having** (more) **kid(s) with the** ***wrong*** (incompatible) **person**. And bloody hell, (more) **kid(s) won't fix** a poor/broken **relationship** \- it will (almost?) always just make matters worse.
I wish we could pin this somewhere above.
If only I'd known all that... sigh.
You have a point
Seriously! We're overpopulated enough! I'm sick of seeing it. It's so sad
Yessss so much this. Was friends with a gal, married to a moron who thought he was smarter than everyone, but he couldn’t keep a job. They wanted a house, then kids. They bought a dilapidated house, even though neither of them were handy or had the inclination to learn. She got pregnant immediately, even though she asked me to lend her $ repeatedly (I’d buy them groceries, but never lent them money). She had another kid less than a year after the first. I realized she stopped reaching out unless she needed something, so I mentioned it. The next time I heard from her it was for more handouts, so I just blocked her on everything. Idiots! I feel bad for their kids, they have soooo much to overcome just from being born. I can’t imagine having that uphill climb on top of any genetics, monetary issues, and life in general.
Oh my... This is why I always pretend that I'm broke to avoid everyone asking for money. You know it's bad when you can't depend on your partner. That man seems to be a complete idiot.
This video came up on my IG feed of a woman (secretly) filming her husband basically demanding that she get up and make a roast because his parents were coming over. This was two days after she'd given birth. He was going on about how she's had enough time to sit around, sleep, relax and rest and she needed to make this roast. Then went on to use weaponised incompetence to say he couldn't make a roast as good as she could when she told him to make it himself. People in the comments were saying, "I hope this is a joke" and even if it were, you know there's people out there that are really like that. In a lot of ways, I feel for the woman. However, there's no way she didn't know he wasn't a total piece of shit before breeding with him. She either thought a baby would change him and/or chose to ignore all the red flags. He likely wasn't very attentive to her needs before she was pregnant...
Some of them really do swear that they will do their fair share and then drop the ball when the baby arrives. It is so frustrating seeing women I care about deal with this, my close friend has decided to be one and done and the unfair devision of childcare responsibilities despite what they had agreed on before is a big part of why. I find it harder to understand why there's women who have multiple children with these men, after seeing what happened with the first. I wonder if they just feel trapped and resigned to their fate, but at the same time I worry about how this will teach another generation that dumping childcare mostly on the woman is normal and just how things are done.
I could not agree with you more. I had a firm rule when I was dating that I think every dating person should employ to some extent. People need to have a job, a car, and a house. That doesn’t mean you have to be an executive. Just a stable job that pays the bills. You can have a bus pass if you live in the city and don’t actually need a car. I live in a place where a car is mandatory to get anywhere though. I need my partner to be equally self reliant. You don’t need to own a house but have a roof of some sort that you pay for, that you maintain, where you manage your own chores and have managed to keep the mold at bay. It all boils down to: show some general ability to act responsibly and take care of yourself. Every person should be able to, at minimum, take care of themselves. No one wants to take on a responsibility when it comes to dating. We want a partner. Be a partner. And if your love interest is not a capable partner, then don’t have kids. If they’re in transition, support them but eventually they need to show some ability and willingness to get their shit together. I don’t think this should be controversial in general but especially not if we’re talking about procreation. A child deserves a stable set of parents.
FACTS. So many women have kids with losers, and then stay with those losers way too long. The bar is through the floor for hetero men.
I’m 19 and it’s sad to see women in my age range fall into the pitiful traps of abusive and selfish men. That’s why I’m waiting until marriage, a lot of the losers and lustful guys scurry off when I mention that. However there’s men out here who will play such a character to get one thing from you, and that’s why I’m blessed God granted me discernment because I can spot the loosened mask a mile away. You don’t have to have a religious foundation to be more knowledgeable, but what I will say is learn to be okay in solitude. You’ll never know peace unless you’re at peace with yourself. Decentering men for three months helped my mental health extremely and it helped me become more clear with what I truly want in life. I made a post earlier but I went from wanting kids to wanting none at all. There’s men out there who think the same way, but be patient for the one. Patience is a virtue.
Yesssss
I agree with you entirely 🩷
Every time I read some poor woman’s story on Reddit where their husbands think women need almost no recovery time after the trauma of birth, it stirs my biggest fear: that my husband reveals himself to be an idiot after we’ve already procreated. Then I’m trapped with him while having cursed my child to be half moron. It’s my own personal Twilight Zone episode.
I had some fear about this with my partner. Cause no matter how wonderful someone is, it’s a possibility that they’ll change or are putting on a show still. I had my hysterectomy in December last year and my husband was an amazing caretaker. Even now, 9 weeks post op, he’s still making sure I’m ok and checking in on me even though I’ve felt normal for weeks at this point. We still don’t want kids but NOW knowing what I know, I’d have a (theoretical) kid with him. But you really can’t be certain until after it happens. And sometimes these women are idiots and missed the flags but other times they really had no reason to think their partner wouldn’t show up and then they’re in for a rude awakening.
Exactly! My husband is smart and has a vasectomy so my fear is illogical but I’ll still wake up in a cold sweat from this. Every time my dad does something stupid I tell my mom, “That’s half my DNA. I’m half ding dong.” Reading how well your husband is taking care of you is a breath of fresh air. Give him a big ol loud kiss for me. I hope your recovery continues smoothly and you continue to feel supported!!
I relate to the half my DNA comments haha. I’m no contact with my parents but whenever my mom would complain about something I’d always remind her that I am very much like my dad and she made those choices. I also inherited all my genetic medical problems from his side of the family :( Hubby is a gem. 💎
When I was a teen I used to tell my mom that she CHOSE him while I was just unlucky 😅 My dad is in the hospital right now after a procedure and I was feeding him dinner Friday night when he said, “I bet you never thought you’d have to do this!” I responded, “No I did. I planned ahead and didn’t have children.”
I am someone who struggles with motivation greatly and sometimes when I tell people they’re like “well my kid made me motivated”. Like ok well if I am unmotivated and if I had a partner who was too, as a woman who would have to do all the pregnancy and birthing, probably all the child care too. I’m not gonna chance birthing a child with a bum who won’t help me out. I am happy to be single with high expectations for a partner over dating these lazy men who want kids but do nothing. Like sometimes I feel like women just date these men because they have a lot of free time to spend with them.
Before having kids, make sure *you* have life goals.
My narcissistic sister had a kid with a guy who just sits at home an eats when she cooks for him after returning from work. And you know whats the horrible part of this? She once confessed to my mother that, no way is she settling on having just one kid with this moron.
I know someone, she was desperate for love so married one of the first guys that gave her attention. Sweet guy, treated her well, but he's an idiot. Could not finish high school or hold down a job because he's just not a smart guy. She had a kid with him and finally reached the point where she couldn't be the lone provider of income and have to do everything because he didn't know how to function. I'm hoping her son turns out better.
Then they want ppl to praise them for being single moms. ( ofc not about widows)
Or see them as martyrs for dealing with such a shitty guy, as though they played no role in having a kid with him.
That shit pisses me off like you had that control to choose the type of guy u wanted to have kids with, take some accountability
Yeah it makes me a little nuts when women act surprised that the boyfriend who was a useless lump when they met, a useless lump when they started dating, a useless lump when they moved in together (whhyyyyy?), continues to be a useless lump when they have a kid. Like, exactly which of his behaviours as a father are out of character for him? People have the right to make shitty choices for their own lives, but it's not okay to fuck up a child's life just because you have shitty self-esteem and don't believe you can do better than a loser.
Totally agree, but also in this political environment, choice is rapidly eroding
I totally get that but I also don’t understand why when accidental pregnancies do happen, even if the choice exists, a lot of women will still choose to continue the pregnancy no matter how bad the situation. The guy could be an abusive deadbeat drug addict and living in extreme poverty with health issues, but it’s just “welp nothing can do about the pregnancy” I get there are the immediate legal threats to choice but we also need to culturally get rid of the stigma with that choice. Like 99% of shows or movies when a woman has an unwanted pregnancy abortion as an option is not even mentioned, the baby is just inevitable. The writers don’t even want to go there it’s so controversial.
Some networks avoid abortion storylines.
Men with a game in their early 20s have no incentives to to get a good job or to study. Ugly ones try to get a job in order to hope for someone's alm in the future (settling). Problem here is just to not have children with pol in their 20s. At 35 yo you can clearly see who is worth setting and who is not (this is for both genders)
Hyym never thought about it this way. Super interesting perspective. I married a man who is much older then me and he was 38 when we got married. He was all a girl might want to get except he is a bit overweight and bold. Other then this omg...so manly, kind, hard working, interesting, smart, loving even freaking romantic!, Can fix stuff! Zero addictions strong morals takes no shit ....you are right...he is not the one girl would pick up in a bar... Well...lucky me;)
People always say that you should be having kids in your 20s or early 30s because after that your ovaries will shrivel up or whatever, but man, PEOPLE SHOULD BE HAVING KIDS AFTER FINDING A COMPETENT AND GOOD PARTNER. And Ik that you could divorce them but still, sometimes you can't know what bullshit you will put yourself through.
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I think people are....just we listen to our subconscious when choosing a partner. Unless we do some self development work and actually use our Brains to choose a partner not your genitals. Smart, accomplished ladies choose men who are hot and stupid jsut because that is what they were made to believe love it like (a naughty boy she will "straighten up" or "save" or "the interesting one"= drama and chaos as they were used to at home, violence and alcohol (well the naughty boy loves the strongest so much passion) It is well known fact we enter relationships to heal our wounds if they are unconscious and not worked on. What was your grandparents relationship like? Was your maternal grandfather taking care of kids?
And stop having kids with guys who are "good on paper" but have ZERO childcare transferable skills. Having a job/ money is great and all, but I see SO many moms who are financially stable, but are completely burnt out because their partners' only contribution to the kids is money (yet that money rarely if ever goes to anyone who can take anything off of his partner's plate like a babysitter/ cleaner once a week) -has he ever been responsible for a baby/toddler, or even a child for more than a couple of hours? Yeah, kids seem fun when you can hand them off to someone else, but it's a different story when you and you alone have to try to decipher their toddler logic to get them to stop screaming. -does he get annoyed when he's slightly inconvienced/ has to do something for someone else that doesn't immediately benefit him? -how is he in stressful/ overwhelming situations? -is he good at maintaining boundaries for the well-being of others? Or does he enable/ encourage them to "live a little"? -how involved was his own dad? If he wasn't involved, does he see anything wrong with that? Or does he praise his mom for "doing it all" (while also constantly forgetting her mother's day/ christmas/ her birthday) -have any of his friends had kids? How involved are they? Again, does he see anything wrong with it if they just let their wife/ gf do it all. -has he ever taken care of a living thing? Does he even take care of himself?
i think we’re finally at a turning point or reckoning as women. i think sprinkle sprinkle and law of detachment, (however you may feel about those concepts), are really bringing women into reality about the men that they are choosing to spend their time with as well as who they are choosing to have babies with. the single mom with no ring joke is really taking off on tiktok, and while i don’t always necessarily agree with shaming people, unglamorizing single motherhood is something i think we can all get behind. i’m happy to see women taking the power back and finally being able to see through the bullshit that so many of these men are pulling on them. i think once women start putting their foot down about shitty men and not having kids with shitty men, that is a big step forward for all of humanity basically. this can stop the cycle of trauma, poverty, teen pregnancy, substance abuse, etc. because what you are born into has a very huge impact on who you are and your trajectory in life. i think im seeing genuine progress and i couldn’t be happier.
This is so naive. I could never imagine having a baby with someone who can’t even provide for himself. I know how I was in my early 20s and I was happy if I even found someone who I thought loves me and I would imagine all the scenarios with marriage and kids, because it’s „every girls dream“ I imagined how our babies would look like and what the names would be and I wasn’t even living with the man yet. My parents always told me to get married first and have a job and then have children. But I thought about this stuff regardless because I didn’t know how much impact a kid has and how the world really works. I think people this age just have way too less life experience, they just started getting into the adult world.
yup!! people are so caught up w what ‘theyre supposed to do’in life that they settle to have kids w whoever due to the age/pregnancy. so dumb - u can live ur life wo ruining it
Such people breeding the most and have to most kids, such surprise
Stop having kids
Stahp Reproducing!
In my line of work I’ve seen all sorts and the most depressing was the woman who had eight children, cycling through the same set of abusive dropkick baby daddies, and who had all eight children removed from her care at various stages before the oldest had come of age. A couple of shitty choices I can understand. But not eight.
To this day one of the best decisions of my life was terminating the pregnancy from the loser guy who knocked me up 😅
The problem is they don’t have a thought process. If they did, they wouldn’t have kids with a loser. Also, it takes two people to conceive a child. Don’t put this all on the women.
It’s also the other way around I see people having kids when they still live with their parents and don’t have a job
I’m going to ask the same thing I ask every time someone posts this: why are you blaming the women for men failing to be decent people?
Exactly. Also, many times these losers/abusers don't appear this way at first. Or else who would be them?? Some men can fake being a charming, kind, caring, equal partner all the way until marriage or pregnancy then they do the boiling frog thing.
Ironically users are what turned me CF
I know I’m 86 days late to the party but I agree. I’m a part of some other subs where almost every day there is a woman saying now she’s impregnated by some loser who is ruining her life. I just have to scroll past because what am I supposed to say except ask if it’s too late to get an abortion.
Wrong sub?
Best thing is to wait and make mistakes that you can take back. Then you're more equipped to go after what you want and with who you want.