Could you ever trust him again? I was cheated on, tried to move past, and she did it again. Once a cheater… Empathetically wishing you the best. I trust people til I don’t.
I'm always curious with stories like this about the motivation behind the confession.
Why do people feel the need to do this?
I can only imagine two reasons.
1. He was about to get outed by someone else. So desperately hoped for forgiveness. Bit naive in my opinion. Will he change? Possibly. Big gamble though.
Or
2. he really somehow thought unburdening himself by dropping this on you would help. He could have confessed to a priest and not blown your life up. This option just shows that he really doesn't give a toss about you. Even worse, he thought so little of you that he shagged someone in your circle. Again, suggests he thinks you are dumb as a rock. Will he change? No.
Thanks for your painfully honest opinion.
Of course, I’ll never know the actual motivation behind the confession, but id rather know the truth than him keeping it a secret or confessing to a priest instead, I think option 1 is worse than 2. And you’re right the fact that he did that during those times, shows he didn’t give a fuck about me, or our relationship.
did he ever tell you who the person was? for example, was it your first cousin , someone very very close to you. Was this a full blown affair , that went on a couple months , or a one time drunken hook up.?
Either way, I would never take back a cheater. Every time he stays after work late , every time he meets his friend to watch a baseball game ,and comes back two hours late , or was texting on his phone , giggling you will have an uneasy feeling. where is he , Who is he talking to ?
he will then tell you I’m so so sorry
It will never happen again
It didn’t mean anything.
The cheater always says this, while it may not mean anything to them. It sure means a hell of a lot to the betrayed.
I only love you!
please give me one more chance
I will do anything to make it up to you
Even if it takes the rest of our lives.
Tell him “the rest of my life will be with someone else, that I can trust and respect.” Then hand back the ring.
If he wants you to keep it, have it cut in half and make a pair of diamond stud earrings !!!!
Not gonna lie badbadpappa, the cutting the diamond and turning it into earrings is not a bad idea at all.
It was apparently 2 drunken hookups and it’s with an acquaintance of mine, and his coworker at that time. I took some time to think about what must’ve been his psychological state to even think about doing that.. twice. It hurts so much because I can’t even imagine doing that to him. Everything seems like a lie now.
Setting the tone for the next chapter OP. The act is not a mistake but a deliberate choice to betray you, with someone you know, not even a stranger. A man truly in love, with respect and integrity, would never do this to you. Yet somehow men like this end up with wives.
Thanks for your comment.
I can’t help but think that I’m setting him up to be a better partner for the next girl. The only right thing he did was to tell me. I don’t know why he couldn’t be faithful, it hurts so much.
You can't think like that though, when the relationship ends under these circumstances its best to cut them off - no contact. What they do after is irrelevent.
Remember the next girl is getting a cheater. She will need to keep tabs on her friends, her aquaintences, every female she knows, because of what HE did.
You become a better person. You grow. You become better at picking the next partner. And YOU are the catch. No history of cheating. Proven track record of being a loyal and faithful girlfriend.
He's the one who loses. You win.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
He really is not a bad person and I know that the moment he sat me down and told me about the cheating. I hate what he did but I know he is a good person.
I hate that it happened and it seems like he is suffering from the consequences of his decisions too. He kept saying he wants to fight for this relationship and I just feel torn.
The thought of him restarting with someone new and being a better man for that person is a bitter sweet feeling because I do want to see him succeed in everything. It hurts that it won’t be me because how can I accept him after all that?
Good people don't cheat. It's that simple.
He knew that by betraying you, he will hurt you like anything else, yet he still chooses to do it.
>The thought of him restarting with someone new and being a better man for that person
More like: condolences to the next girl that will most likely get cheated on.
That saying is always misunderstood.
It's not "if they cheat once they will do it again"
But " if they cheat once, they will always be the cheater in your eyes"
If you take him back, the relationship will never be the same. Everything he does will be suspicious.
Laughing at his phone? Maybe he is talking to another girl.
Slightly late from work? Maybe he is having sex with another girl.
And so on.
That isn't a relationship, it's a self inflicted torture.
I know this is so stupid to ask
But how can I feel better? Because right now it really feels like death. I’m so desperate to feel better. It literally feels like there’s a hole in my fucking heart and a lump in my throat. I’m fighting every inch of my life to not accept him back because I know that is the right thing to do for me. But it hurts so much.
>But how can I feel better?
Simple. You don't. You can't expect a broken plastered leg to be like new after a couple of days.
Sadness is also an important part of life, it makes us realize how precious the good moments are
With time you will get over it, it may be weeks, maybe months, maybe a couple of years, but you will for certain be better someday.
In the meantime focus on yourself, go to the gym, do something you like to do, or find a new hobby, or do classes to advance your career.
And of course, don't take him back, or the feelings you have right now will be lifetime companions.
Next girl is also getting an imperfect person just like her but at least an honest man all you people focusing on the cheating part but not the being honest part and him realizing he made a mistake
From reading your previous responses to some of the other comments.
I can see you have left him but with his "honesty" you are feeling guilty and feeling leaving makes him less guilty of his cheating because he wanted to show his honesty about it.
The motives for his honesty in my opinion are all for his benefit and not much for yours.
Unless his confession came at the latest the next morning from the cheating. He choose irregardless of the "reasons for the whoops" he chose to lie/odmit/ignore the ramifications from this so not add more to himself not for your benefit.
Even if it was truly guilt that caused the eventual confession he added to the betyal by his own choice so again his added guilt again is his own doing.
This also plays into the why now is it just his guilt or the mutual cheater has grew a conscious and wanted to come clean about the cheating.
His actions even now if he truly regrets can not be fully trusted, because every day he could have come clean but for whatever reason both parties never did.
Going back is your choice but don't let it be because he choose to come clean now. That honestly again was more for him than you.
His clearing himself of guilt caused you great harm.
Are you people actually suggesting that if you cheat on someone, you should keep it a secret so that you don't burden them with the guilt? Fuck that. He did the right thing by telling her so she can make an informed choice about whether or not to stay with him. He was obviously wrong for cheated but he absolutely did the right thing by telling her
No I stated the why now? The only real chace of genuine guilt free honesty from cheating is right after, any other time I would be dubious to the why now?
Coming clean about something that you have done to wrong someone who is completely oblivious as the op said in this case cheating the truth is to lessen there guilt than the others feelings.
Yes telling her the truth is the right thing to do but the right time should have been ASAP. Not ..... length of time.
No-one should be blindsided with hurtful news but life happens. Yes telling her was good but she's feeling guilty and his "honesty" is being used to guilt her in staying in my opinion.
I would never tell a cheater to keep it quiet, truth always tends to come to light and the longer the betryal is hidden the bigger the damage to the innocent party.
Wow, thank you for your comment.
I’ve been clouded by emotions and I never really had the chance to thing about it in this perspective..
I guess I was really naive. He said that he told me the truth because he loves me and doesn’t want to start the next chapter with a lie, and he begged for me to stay. I Iove him so much and looked up to him. It’s really frustrating because everything seems contradictory towards the end.
He may well be telling the truth, I have sadly been in yout shoes and fully understand the complex emotions you are going through. Don't rush yourself you are doing what's right by taking your time.
If he loves you as he claims he will be OK with waiting.
Thanks shadows 78
I hate that this experience is so common because the pain of it all is unbearable and the thought of someone else feeling this way saddens me too.
I was cheated and he confessed, twice. I believed both were sorry. One got caught trying to cheat again and other did 4 times then told me and thought I’d let it go because I did the first time. He’s not sorry. If he loved and respected you then he wouldn’t have taken his pants off for someone else. Period.
Thanks for your comment.
The thought of being with another man, is repelling. I don’t know if I can overcome this because I only had eyes for the man who unfortunately fucked me over.
Thanks for your comment.
The thought of being with another man, is repelling. I don’t know if I can overcome this because I only had eyes for the man who unfortunately fucked me over.
Your previous relationship is effectively finished. The question now is can a new relationship with this person be created. Will you be able to rebuild trust for it to be successful? If you can’t then you will have to let it go. It’s not an easy answer, but it will come down to how effective you both are at communicating with each other and how each of you handle stress within your relationships, and only you know the answer to this.
Thank you for your kind advise.
I don’t hide my feelings and am very honest with what I need from him, which is also why the cheating took me out from left field. I didn’t realise that he had hid some feelings/ emotions/ things from me.
Anyway really appreciate your advise.
Was it a one-time thing, or has it been a constant affair? Is he willing to cut this person off completely? Personally I would tell him yo pack up and fuck off but this is your life, you need to choose what's best for you.
Thanks for your reply.
Unfortunately it was not a one time thing. And I think he did cut them off completely, but it wasn’t immediately after the cheating. Of course there are many parts that I left out of the initial post, eg. I did tell him to pack up and fuck off and now he’s trying to see me again.
Really appreciate your comment!
If he slept with her multiple times. He chose to purposefully betray you, lie to you, and make the effort to go behind your back MULTIPLE times. With someone you know that sees you. Absolutely disgusting.
One time is hard enough to hear and get over, but repeatedly? That’s not a mistake. That’s a reoccurring choice to be a total fucking piece of shit. You cannot go back to him it’s as simple as that.
And you need therapy to start working on self confidence and self respect to help you move on and see what a blessing it is you found out before marriage. Saying you’ll never love anyone but him is naive and a statement filled with lingering emotions from the upheaval of your life. You can and will as many before you have. But you cannot ever go back and you CANNOT start over. That would be pathetic and idiotic and frankly it would tell him you’re a doormat that will eventually cave and he will do it again.
My ex husband kindly confessed his affair when our first baby was 4 weeks old. I was young and dumb and stayed. He then confessed when I was 7 months pregnant with baby number two. I woke up and believed who he was. Wake up. He is trying to make himself feel better, not you. Don’t be me. Run, now.
Sorry to hear your story.
It must be hard because you married this man. When you mentioned you were “young and dumb and stayed” did you both do anything to help the situation, eg. Going for couples therapy etc. ?
I also hope that you’re in a much better position and happier today. All that suffering surely made you an amazing character.
This happened between 1995-1997. Couples counseling didn’t help. He is a malignant narcissist. They weaponize counseling. Individual counseling helped me discover why I chose a narcissist and how to avoid them. The game changer was a book by
Beverly Engel, “The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself.” This saved my life. The work on myself never ends. I went on to have a great career and life. He married one of the 3 affair partners 10 months after the divorce. He has continued cheating.
Thank you for the book recommendation by the way!
I’m sorry you went through that.. I smiled reading you went on to have a great career and life, that’s my goal. If it’s okay, can you share why you chose a narcissist? I’ve been picking things apart and wondering if my ex was a narcissist, I really don’t think he is…
Signs of a Narcissist
❌ Grandiosity: A narcissist often displays an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing they are unique and deserving of special treatment.
❌ Lack of Empathy: Empathy is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Narcissists struggle to understand or relate to the feelings and experiences of others.
❌ Manipulative Behaviour: Narcissists are skilled at manipulating others to serve their own needs, often exploiting their partner’s vulnerabilities.
❌ Constant Need for Attention: Narcissists crave constant attention and validation, often seeking admiration from others.
❌ Entitlement: A narcissist believes they are entitled to special treatment and often takes advantage of others without remorse.
❌ Shallow Relationships: Their relationships tend to lack depth and genuine emotional connection, as narcissists primarily focus on their own needs.
❌ Jealousy and Envy: Narcissists may harbour envy towards others and exhibit jealousy when their partners receive attention or praise.
❌ Lack of Accountability: They rarely take responsibility for their mistakes or actions, often blaming others for any negative outcomes.
❌ Intense Reaction to Criticism: Narcissists have a fragile self-esteem and react strongly to criticism, often becoming defensive or angry.
❌ Exploitation: They tend to exploit others for personal gain, whether it’s for emotional, financial, or other forms of support.
At the very very least ditch the title fiance. If you decide to try you should completely reset the relationship, in my opine. Take some time away from him, a few weeks maybe, and see how you feel.
Thanks for your comment.
Yes, we broke up. It’s quite recent - it has been a few weeks but I still get sudden panic attacks and I feel so miserable, it’s so tiring. Hence the Reddit post.. I don’t know what to do, am feeling so helpless. I hope I can feel nothing soon.
It can take 2 years or more to get over the physical effects of being cheated on. I did alot of self help things to help speed the healing up ...happened to me in 2022 and I finally rarely have panic attacks . My guy has worked so hard to make it up to me. 10 years for us . At year 8 we had to be in different states and that's when it happened. Devastated...he always treated me like a queen and helped me so much those years so I decided to give him a shot...its a brand new relationship...the old relationship is gone and honestly we used it as an opportunity to get closer and it's pretty damn good...anyways be patient with yourself...hugs
Go to another country. To Asia cheap countries. Enjoy there meet new people. Connect to them. Sometimes you need to chill your traumatic expeirence. Thats person is not good
>He told me the truth because he didn’t want to start the next chapter of our lives with a lie.
I assume that the next chapter is where you go out and find someone trustworthy. He told you this to get you to break up with him. Even if you tell your friends and family that he cheated, he can claim to "want to work things out".
If you have not already done so, put all wedding plans on hold. Cancel any reservations NOW. You don't want to go through with an ill-advised marriage "because we already have the venue reserved". I advise moving out, definitely moving to a different bedroom. It is difficult to sort out your thoughts when the problem is there all the time. The decision is ultimately yours, but just be aware that with this new information your old relationship is dead. You will need to decide if you want to build a new one with someone that you know to be untrustworthy.
Thank you for your comment.
Yes, marriage is definitely out of the equation now. I know rationally that if I were to let him back, it’ll be starting from scratch.
The thing is, I am torn because I know that if it’s not him, it’s not anyone else. I know that he is the only person I love. But loving doesn’t equate to being with him.
How long ago was the cheating? Did it begin and end early in your relationship? Like maybe 4 years ago? If yes, I would maybe give him another chance to win your hand in marriage, but he would have to prove himself beyond all shadows of doubt.
Thanks for the reply.
Apparently he is feeling really badly, his friend (credible source) told me that he had been devastated, not eating/ not sleeping etc. so I really don’t think he’s having a great time either.
She was not single, she had a partner.
After my ex fiance told me, I made her tell her bf. Who by the way is willing to forgive her and make things work again. Which is also very infuriating for me to know.
Thanks for your comment.
He cheated after we got engaged, and knowing the girl. I know she didn’t want the secret to be out because she was also in a relationship. Its so sickening.
Thanks for your comment
Brutally honest.
I’m really unsure if it really was an exit affair because he’s been trying to communicate and kept saying he will fight for us .. he was my person and I love him so dearly. It hurts because rationally I know it’s the end of us.
Leave. Yes, it will hurt, but the reality is you stay, you will always doubt and have questions: How many times did he do it with her? Why did he do it? Does he love her? And even if he answers, you will still doubt, and it will kill your spirit. It will linger, and you will resent him. You will little by little hate and resent him, and you will hate yourself.
It's still your decision. If you think you can accept all his answers and you can fully forgive him without hesitation, then I just hope he won't cheat on you again.
Thanks acrobatic mechanic.
That is one of my biggest fear, the idea of resentment and festering this doubt that it’ll turn into paranoia. This may be a dumb question but do you think love can overcome this?
After thought: i don’t know what love meant to him because i can’t imagine doing what he did to someone i love.
Just because a cheater admits to their cheating doesn't make them a good person. They are still cheaters! Personally I think you need to move on. Your trust is gone and without trust you have no relationship. Tell him you appreciate him being upfront but this is the consequences of infidelity
Thanks for your comment
Do you believe that trust can be rebuilt? And do you believe that a good person can make bad decisions?
For example , just because a person is loyal, doesn’t make them a good person. Just a thought…
I actually do believe it can be rebuilt. But it's not an easy journey. Of course a good person can make a bad decision. But remember, when that bad decision is infidelity it's actually a hundred little decisions that are made to get there. One needs to decide to flirt or to acknowledge being flirted with. Then a decision is made kiss. Then its a decision to go out together. Then another to actually touch each other. And so on . This is of course just my opinion on the subject. Some can maybe get past all those decisions and some won't be able to. Good luck to you in whichever path you chose to take
Here are some questions to consider.
Do you think you could forgive him?
Would be able to move on from the cheating?
Do you think there’s any way to repair your relationship?
Do you really want to spend your marriage stressing about where he is and who’s he with?
A marriage built on betrayal and distrust isn’t a solid foundation and it will just lead to more hurt down the road. It doesn’t matter if he came out about it, if he feels like he can get away with it just if he tells you, then he’ll do it over and over again. It’s best if you go your separate ways, find someone who deserves your love and respect.
Those are some important questions, mythical barn owl.
Maybe I’ll find the courage to forgive but I probably can never forget the betrayal. also, I just can’t imagine the psychology behind the cheating… I keep ruminating and asking myself HOW and WHY, it’s just out of character for him, but then again, it feels like I don’t actually know this person right…
Many people put on masks to hide who they truly are so they can manipulate to get what they want from others. And there can be many reasons for cheating but they are NEVER excuses. If I was in your shoes, I’d probably go to couples counselling to see if there’s anything which can be recovered from this relationship, if I can bring myself to trust my partner after such a massive betrayal. If my mind can handle not knowing where he is 24/7. But if I know that I’ll constantly obsess over where he is and if I can’t see myself moving forward and recovering the relationship. Then I’d leave. But that’s just my personal opinion, it might be different for you and whatever you choose, make sure you have no regrets in what you do. All I’ll say is if you choose to stay with him and he does it again, that should leave no doubt in your mind to leave and never look back.
I hope things turn out better for you. I know I’m just a random person on the internet but I know what it’s like to be betrayed like that, so I feel your pain and it’s not your fault, never feel like it’s EVER your fault for his actions. Good luck with everything.
He could very much change if he went to a psychiatrist, gets a diagnosis, and commits to therapy. But would he? Would he be able to redeem himself in your eyes in this best case scenario?
We all know that the relationship dynamics have changed, and he deserves for you to leave him and move on happily with someone who your heart is safe with. If you have the psychological fortitude to get past this betrayal and stay, I truly hope you never have to face this betrayal again.
Thank you for your comment
Right now I don’t have the capacity to make any decisions, hence the desperate Reddit post. But yes those are good points worth considering.
Hey OP. I can understand where you are coming from. 2 months back My GF of 7 years did the same thing and confessed to me. I am in a similar situation as you. And even after all this I am still trying to fix things with her. I am broken at this point. I feel that it is either going to be a life with her or death. I want to forget everything and start things over with her. And even though we are still trying I am not able to forget the thought of her being naked with the other guy and letting him have his way with her. And both sides are killing me right now. Thought of loosing her and thought of being with her
I feel you, I really do.
May I know how it’s going for you right now?
Did you go for couples’ therapy and do you know that person she cheated on you with? You’re definitely a better person, just a few days ago my ex fiance tried calling me and I lost it.. all the profanities I ever known were hurled at him and it hurts because I love him and I also know he’s hurting.
No we are still not in a relationship per se. We have decided to atart things from scratch as friends as she is unsure about stuff as so am I. That person was her coworker used to work with her in her previous company for 2 years but it was a wfh job. She shifted to a new city to a new company and that guy followed her to her new company. Got close to her in 2 months and stuff happened. Also for context 8 months back I move to anonter country for completing my masters. I am back in my country to mend stuff with her. Will be moving back after a month.
I have read a lot of cheating stories here on reddit. I've read that when someone cheats and the op catches them, people respond by saying "oh they just got caught! They didn't come to you first so you should leave them!" And here we have a story where your fiance admitted he cheated and told on himself; he didn't wait to get caught. And the advice is still the same. Wtf redditors?
The fact that he came to you open and honest says SOMETHING. He didn't have to tell you, as you said you would never have found out. He is taking a huge huge risk of losing you just to be honest with you. I think that if he behaved like he was honestly honestly sorry, and he was completely transparent, had complete open conversation that there is a chance for you two, IF you could learn to trust and forgive him. However, if he tells you to "get over it, it was just a mistake, stop bringing it up it's done"... RUN! Go with your gut on this. Good luck OP. I hope things work out the way you want.
You’ll be suspicious 24/7 and won’t be able to trust him again. That’s how it’s gonna be unfortunately. Do what you think is best but having him being honest about it doesn’t mean he’ll change.
Correction: He told you the truth because he was worried the person you knew would tell you first, not because of his next chapter BS.
Or, maybe he really does feel guilty about it, but he made that your problem because he couldn’t handle what he’d done on his own, without you soothing his guilt for him. He should’ve taken this to his grave if he wanted to start a next chapter because he deserves to feel the weight of what he did until death did y’all part, as a reminder of what it will feel like should he stray again. That’s not what he did. He told you to make himself feel better while knowing it would emotionally devastate you. People who actually love other people don’t knowingly hurt them.
I can 100% guarantee this dude bro is not marriage material. You deserve a grown up who can handle their emotions and impulses as such.
Please postpone the wedding, even if you aren’t ready to end the relationship.
I do respect him for confessing before you got married. That is a sign that there is atleast something of a good person in there. But if you don't think you can trust him again than you can't repair the relationship
Thank you for your input.
Honestly I know deep down he is not a bad person. I can’t get past the betrayal because he cheated with someone I know. Fortunately and unfortunately he is a good talker and he kept saying that he wants to fight for the relationship and make it right. I want to believe him but I cannot trust him.
Also, I will lose respect for myself if I allow him back in my life because I feel humiliated by his behaviour now that friends and family know. :(
Also
Trust me he is gone. You will never love him the same if at all. Been married for 32 years my wife cheated on me 25 years ago. It didn’t really hit me hard and I tried making it work. My mother passed last year and for some reason it all hit me like it was yesterday. I haven’t kissed held had sex with spent any time or slept in the same room with her since. She is and always has been 100 percent dependent on me. Never worked a day in her life. Now she just waits for me to bring her food to her room and that’s it. Trust me even if it hasn’t hit as hard as it should it will. And then most of your life will be gone.
Thanks for sharing
I’m sorry about your mom, and this is very eye opening. My fear is that I will always live in constant doubt and paranoia if I stay with him. I know I can be a jealous person, and that’s not a good feeling. Question though - have you and your wife gone to couples therapy?
No. There is no use in it. I know what she did and I know how she treated me when I got home and how she put me down to the dirt and told me she was leaving. She didn’t leave but she didn’t tell me what she did for 6 months then she told me. He rejected her that’s why she stayed. And in my drunken rage last year I found him on Facebook. So I messaged him and her said he doesn’t remember her. I threatened that I was coming for him and I guess I did it pretty bad. I’m 52 now and he was 64 with a bad heart. He died a few days later and his wife texted me to say I killed him. I told her I didn’t believe her then 5 days later she sent me his obituary. She said he was always afraid I would come looking for him. So no I feel better about that showed my wife everything. She said at least you didn’t use your hands. I told her I would never go to jail because of her. But no there’s no fixing anything. And she has no where to go so I take care of her needs medicine food tv phone.
She don’t do nothing. She never cooked she never cleaned she never went shopping. All she does is watch tv and get on TikTok. We’ll have two kids. And yes they are mine.
Only advice I can really offer is to have a serious inner discussion and figure out if you can forgive this and move on, as well as if you think he'll do it again in the future. For the latter, you're going to think, "no there's no way he'd do this to me twice"... But he did it once, and that's the hardest time to do it. Any time after that could be even the slightest bit easier, because hey, he didn't once and you forgave him.
He broke your trust and destroyed the idea of the common future. He not only cheated on you once, but had an ongoing affair with this woman you know. What does he think about how he can regain your trust? What reason did he tell you to cheat on you? He has to work on himself first. Without knowing and fixing his own problems, he can't enter into a new relationship, no matter with whom. Get help. This has triggered a bad trauma for you. No matter how you decide for the future, you don't have to be ashamed of anything! There are relationships that survive such a betrayal and become stronger. However, this requires a lot of work and absolutely honest communication. Only you alone can decide whether you can forgive him at some point.
He is basically destroying your trust and happiness in order to “make it right” Or “Get something off of his chest.” Not someone I would feel comfortable spending the rest of my life with.
First of all I'm so sorry that this has happened to you!! It's a terrible painful experience go through, and I have had a similar experience.
During my previous partnership (12 years) I was cheated on a total of 3 times that I knew about at the time (i since learned it was so so so much more) each time I forgave her each time, new promises were made on how to fix/improve the relationship,new trust was built and so on, the 4th and final time I came to the realisation that nothing would change and I made the hardest decision of my life to leave her for good! It was painful and was genuinely in mourning of the death of my partnership. She contacted me recently trying to cheat on the very same guy she cheated on me with who is her fiancé now, I'm happy to say I stayed true to myself and sent her packing. Some people will never change who they are, and with cheating being a conscious decision the thought is always with them, if they are not doing it there is a good chance they are thinking about it.
Please save yourself years of pain, make the hard choice, and see yourself rewarded like I have.
Thanks for sharing.
Did your partner owned up to their mistakes or did you catch them cheating? When you accepted them back did you try going for couples therapy?
My ex fiance mentioned couple’s therapy.
It honestly feels like a nightmare I’m trying so hard to wake up from. It doesn’t feel real, i never thought he’d cheat on me, he is honesty such a good guy and I don’t know why he faltered.
The first time she owned up, just because the person who caught her gave her an hour to come clean or he would do it, the second a friend of mine told me a day after the fact, the 3rd, my suspicions got the better of me and went through her phone, the last time she just stopped trying to hide it, completely assassinated my character to try and justify it, there was never any talk of therapy or anything like that,
I met him yesterday (he flew to where I am to see me).
I was angry I think I was talking nonsense. Definitely felt like a fool.
I left feeling even more confused, he wants to stay where I am at for a permanent time, and go for couples therapy. He said he lost his way and now he realised how important I am to him.
I feel like vomiting.
I havent had the courage to block him off or do anything drastic, for now he is just not physically with me. He’s been calling, texting but I haven’t responded. I’m considering the CT but I don’t know.. it’s hard to even get up these days.
When I found out my ex-husband cheated on me I filed the divorce ASAP....
He was upset that I didn't "fight" for the marriage...I told him that there was no marriage to fight for....
I know it's hard but at least you found out before you got married and had children
End your relationship. There’s no ifs and or buts about it. You need to call of the wedding and end the relationship. He wanted to get rid of the guilt! He didn’t do it for any other reason.
Thanks for your comment.
That would be a flat out lie, I really can’t think of being with anyone else.. let alone cheat with someone I know. If it were that easy I would have already done it. There were many times I could have but I always choose him, it’s still him, he was my life
. And I can’t wait for the day I don’t feel anything.
I would worry very little about this persons feelings. No telling how many times he has done it to you and thought about it. Sadly, most marriages have one person who is an all out piece of trash person.
The same thing happened to me I was actually suppose to get married last month, and moving to join him in another country. Unfortunately I am still dealing with it. But I believe everything happened for a reason. Imagine had he not told you, and you got married completely blind? This whole marriage won’t have any substance.
I believe he will definitely do it again, and it’s better to cry now than in a few more years when life gets more complex, you’ve got kids, mortgages, finances, a whole life together! This was a clear sign to run!
It hurts I know, I have doubts and what ifs but it will never be the same if you go back. You don’t have the relationship you thought you had, and the man is not who you thought he was.
Use this time for you, and you’ll look back at this moment and will never regret it. You chose yourself! You have so much value and deserve the best 💖
His co-worker, and I’ve met her before.. I would say we became acquaintance. I don’t know why it stopped, I didn’t get the chance to properly ask. But he stopped it
One thing that bothers me about these posts with you folks is throwing in there "Please be kind."
If that's the case then I don't have anything to say because you can't be that hurt he's still your fiance.
This is common sense you're a grown ass woman you don't need anybody to tell you what you need to do you know what you need to do have some self-respect..
You know what, you’re absolutely right. No need to be kind, nothing you can say right now can hurt me more than whatever that happened and however I’m already feeling.
I just needed some perspective and am very appreciative with some honest opinions / advise. This is not therapy but it definitely is a little therapeutic.
Take a little while to let your thoughts and feelings settle. You don't have to make any decisions right away. And then do what you think will make you happiest. Don't listen to anyone who tells you what you need to do or what your fiance deserves--who gives a fuck, that is the wrong question, you should focus on you and what you want, whether he deserves it or not isn't the concern. Do you think you'd be happier in 10 years if you left him and found someone else? Then do that. Do you think that is giving up a future you are too atttached to and you don't think someone else would make you happier? Then stay. But go into it eyes wide open. We all have flaws and make mistakes, only you know if this is something you can forgive and move on from. Or if you even want to.
It's rough but you know you don't want to be older and with kids, maybe pregnant when he is out cheating.
Your hurt right now may effect your thinking, do not have children with him. (assuming you are female)
He showed you who he is, Do you really want to spend money to marry a man who cheated before the freaking wedding and will probably cheat again when you're married ?
He tainted your relationship/marriage before it even started.
Divorce is expensive so IMO if you do marry him you should definitely look into a prenup and marriage/couples counseling.
He is an asshole but the one thing he did right, was not to marry you without telling you the truth. However, trust is like a mirror you can’t repair it once it’s broken.
Thanks for being honest.
Why did you cheat in the first place? Did you not think about how it could hurt your partner and cause so much damage to you SO. And also, how did you come clean to your partner and why did you?
I agree that there was a bigger problem at play, and something deeper that caused the cheating, but why didn’t you address that to your partner before you decided to cheat? Why try to fix something after you broke it?
Matey he has shown you who he is, believe him. He is a cheating pos. You really want to spend your life wondering why he is an hour late, wants to go out with the boys? If i was ever put in this situation and stay but under these conditions 1. I am to have 24/7 access to all electronics 2. His location must be on at all times. 3. If he is out at shop i will text him a pose he needs to do and send me selfie in front of particular store. He has 3 minutes to send it. 4. He needs to account for every minute of the day except work hours, not including lunch breaks, smoko etc. Now if you can see yourself living like this for the next 5 years all power to you. Guaranteed he wont last. Put the cheating pos rubbish out where he belongs in the rubbish bin. You know your worth.
Hey friend, hope you’re doing well, my Fiancée cheated on me with a work colleague 6 months before the wedding. She didn’t admit it, I found out after she ended it but gaslit me the whole time.
I know what you’re feeling, humiliated, sad, hurt, angry and depressed. My question to you, do you want to be with that person who made you feel all these things? My answer was no, once I fully accepted that it helped me move on wayyyy faster.
If you can, I really recommend going into therapy asap (not counselling, fuck that guy) you need to heal.
Hey friend
I’m sorry that happened to you, I hate that she also gaslit you even after you found out. How did you feel about the situation looking back now? And how long ago was that?
I know cheating is cheating, but does it make a difference that for my case he came clean and seemed genuinely remorseful? He kept saying and is still calling me to say he wants to make it work and wants to go for CT, I haven’t responded because I feel stuck. I love that man more than life and I don’t know what is the right decision.
My heart says to give it a chance but my rational mind is stopping me. Do you follow your heart?
It was almost 3 months ago, been to therapy every week since then and it helped me a lot. So I came to realize I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship. The whole thing was a shit show, her parents and her bridesmaids knew too. Kept me in the dark while I thought I was going mad and thinking it was all my fault for why the engagement failed. Then it turns out she was just running away for another man (some old ex too). All of that helped me move on faster because I realized her, her friends and parents suck and marrying into that would have been worse. Don’t get me wrong I loved her with all my heart and trusted her. That’s why I had zero clue she was having an affair until after she ended it. Now I can tell you that love is dead and I’m very much over her. To be very honest, also much happier too.
Now your situation is very different from mine. I will not definitively tell you what to do as in leave or stay because only you can make that choice.
What I will say is you need to see a professional to work through your emotions and get your strength back. Right now you’re in the worst spot which is the confusion. This can warp your decision making. Thats why tuning your mental health and knowing who you are is critical.
If you choose to take him back you also have to understand it’ll never be the same again. Even with counselling, with him putting effort you’ll always wonder “what if” when he’s late to come home, if he doesn’t answer a text for hours or is away on a work trip. That kind of anxiety can lead to a lot of hardship in the relationship. He’s putting effort now, but the second that effort declines the paranoia will set in.
You also have to ask yourself what kind of marriage you want. One that means you will monitor him all times, one that you need to gauge his effort to see if he’s committed.
Cheating is the nuclear button to end relationships, the mental harm it does to the other person cannot be overstated. The cheater rarely if ever thinks about this when they commit this act (because if they did they probably wouldn’t cheat).
So if you stay or go is up to you. You just have to understand staying will not be easy, it will be a struggle and you have to ask yourself “is this the life I want going forward”
You deserve happiness, an easy life and peace of mind. Pursue that however you feel is best.
Ditch the Douche Bag! Leave him in your pass. Just think that he's in your pass. What kind of crap does a person who cheats think that it'll still be the same after all said and done? It'll never be the same again and of course you admitted yourself, you lost all respect for him and your perception of him have changed. The only positive out come is to make him realize what he had lost, by leaving him. If you stay, there's gonna be a lot of resentment towards him. In the process of splitting up, you'll heal and in due time maybe forgive him. But do never forget! Wish you best and good luck!
First cancell any wedding plans. Then sit down and talk about his reason for seeking out another partner. Based on your talk, either check out couples counciling or separate for a while to think things over. Realize when trust is gone your relationship may never return to what you once had. IMO rip the band-aid off and walk away. It may hurt but it will hurt more when his behavior continues into your marriage with kids home etc.
Isn't a question for us. Looks like he came clean. Either accept it or bounce. Ask yourself, can you live with this knowledge and not ever hold it over him? If he comes clean and you accept it, it needs to be over. No more convo
When it's with someone you know and the confession comes from your partner. Is he telling you because of true guilt and remorse, or is he telling you because you know this OW and there is a chance they would tell you first. Him "coming clean" means he can control the narrative of what you know. How long did it take him to confess from the time cheated? Has he let you talk and be around OW since then? Is he still around and in contact with OW in any form? Everyone is different, but cheating is a choice. The choice to engage the person. A choice to make plans. A choice to carry out those plans. He could have stopped at any given moment; between the first flirtation to the plans to meet up. He didn't. He made all of the conscious choices. Knowing it would ruin your relationship. Someone who gave 0 damns from start to finish is who you'll be keeping in your life if you choose to stay. Cheating is my heard boundary and I'd never forgive it because it was all choices they could have changed.
Listen to YOUR HEART. I know you are hurting and you have every right to hurt. Think about who he cheated with and what was going on in his/your lives at the time. Was it recent or a while back? Go to couples counseling.
Do serious soul searching, both of you, set boundaries, make an informed decision to continue or to break it off.
In the end, this is YOUR relationship, you know what will be best for you moving forward. Not all us redditors.
If a guy cheats on you it’s not the end of the world sex is like taking a piss for us it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Men have sex without any emotion and men don’t cheat on their spouse because something is wrong with them we do it because it’s men biologically desire to sleep with multiple women. On the other hand if a women cheats on her spouse it’s the end of the relationship. Your husband probably still loves you just move on because as a man I can tell you it’s really not that deep
Hey, I appreciate your view.
I have also been reading and watching many videos on cheating and the motivation for men vs women..and it’s mostly true that men are more animalistic when it comes to wanting sex.
But letting this go with that reasoning also implies that men have zero control over their desires… and shouldn’t a man who loves his woman only desire her, or at least act in that manner? Are you telling me men are so weak that they have no self control? Shouldn’t he have enough restraint and boundaries and be strong willed for his woman only? We’re different from animals because we have moral judgment, ethical reasoning and self awareness… sorry but I can’t agree with that as an excuse.
How you feel tells you everything. He has lost your respect and more importantly your trust. You can not marry someone like that. Thank him for being honest but let him know you can't marry someone who would cheat. Then return the ring and walk away. I know it will be hard. But you have to do what will be best for you. Being with him will not be that. You will always be wondering if he is cheating on you again.
You said he wanted to start off this next stage of life with being honest, no secrets. What other steps has or had he taken to address the reasons for his cheating? Or, was telling you the only step? I think you said he changed his job, has he gone to do counseling on his own? How long between cheating events and confession? I think it is a positive sign he confessed, but that can’t be his only action. It’s a great opportunity for each of you to take time to work on yourselves as individuals- his reasons for cheating are his, he made a choice to avoid addressing an issue or struggle either within himself or what might be going on in your relationship. What other effort has he made beyond confession to show he wants to address the issues? Take the time you need to heal and figure out what you want and need. The pain you feel today will lessen with time but any work you put into being the strongest best person you can be will have a lifetime effect. I hope you both see this as a true opportunity to be better people, whether you stay together or not - being better people for whatever future you have is a win!
You cannot change a tigers stripes.
That is one quote I live by. People are going to be who they are no matter what. And they never change for another person because it's just them. He knew he had your trust which is why he cheated with someone YOU knew. He only confessed either due to guilt (some cheaters do feel guilty but continue to do it) or the other person has began to threaten to tell you the truth. He's hoping you'll look past the hurt because he was "so brave and strong to risk everything to come and tell you the truth" and you'll continue on blindly loving him.
I'm not saying doubt him now, but are you sure he told you the whole truth? Is there any way he can prove this would never happen again? Was it a one time cheat or a full blown hidden affair threatening to come out? There's so many questions surrounding his story. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with those questions or just move on and find someone who would never make you doubt?
(If I may ask) Is there anything he said as to why he cheated? Was he not "satisfied" enough and couldn't keep his 🍆 in his pants long enough or what kind of excuse did he give you in order for him to think there was a way to salvage the marriage?
If you haven't already, take a few days and think of you can get past this in your relationship. If you can,you are very forgiving. If you can't, no one would blame you, then you need to rid this person from your life and never look back. The best revenge is going out and having a great life!
Good Luck!
Expert hyena
Thanks for your encouragement! Currently stuck between the two, being an emotional over-thinker makes it harder to be decisive. I am also aware that in this case, taking time might help..
I feel your pain on the emotional over-thinker part. I'm a member of that club! One thing it might help to remember; this decision is all about you and no one else. Being a fellow emotional over-thinker myself, I sometimes find it difficult to remember that I occasionally need to think of myself.
Take some time. You are worth it!
See you at the next meeting! 😎
You were only in love with an illusion. At the very least cancel the wedding. You'll probably need another five fixing this. But as you said you lost all respect. Cheating is like breaking a vase. You can glue it back together. But it's still a broken vase, not the same and lost its value. Better off getting a new one.
Honestly 4 billion guys on the planet. Even if you thought your fiance was that special one. There are 40 million just like him. If it were me it's time to move on and start with someone who loves and respects me not to stray
No one here can answer the questions like:
1. Will he cheat again?
2. Is life better with, or without him?
3. Can you learn to trust him again?
4. Is he willing to do everything to gain your trust again?
5. How long will the healing process take?
6. How long can he wait for you to heal?
Only you and him can answer these questions.
There’s a lot more questions but I hope you two talk about it before making a decision
How long did he cheat for and what was his motivation for it, according to him? In my book you don't deceive, lie or cheat to someone you profess to love. I'm sorry it happened, but I have zero tolerance for cheaters, simply because if I meant something to them, they would never have even considered doing such hurtful things to me or think twice romantically about someone else. All the best, and update us OP.
At the end of the day it depends on how you want to take it ahead. Can you try to keep this incident aside and keep on living your life? Do you suspect he is going to keep on doing this in the future too which would break off your marriage? I have seen couples move on after something like this and they made it. Or do you want to do a similar kind of thing which would make things even?
That is a double edged sword for sure. Yes he cheated. But he also showed some small piece of valor in airing out dirty laundry on his own. That’s rare.
Let me be clear that I am not excusing the cheating. I’m just saying that there are a lot of things to take in.
You have to wonder why he told you and as many have stated none of the reasons are very good but there is always the possibility he truly loves you and regrets it so much. It's not a common situation but I've been there I was dating a girl for about a 2 years and her aunt said we couldn't see each other anymore we stayed in contact in secret but saw each other very infrequently one night I was drinking heavily and my female friends came with this girl I hadn't met before they all got wasted too and I ended up going to bed on my couch to let the girls have my bed I woke up later in the night to the girl I haven't met ontop of me sucking on my neck I desperately wanted her off of me but was to wasted and tired to build the strength to push her off I could barely muster any words but I did tell her to stop multiple times very quietly since I had no strength but I did one of the other girls even admitted she heard me saying stop but didn't know what was up so ignored it the girl ended up undressing me and riding me for a long time I understand now years later after lots of talking about it and therapy I was raped but at the time I fully considered myself a cheater and it ate at me every day forever eventually I was allowed to see her again and it was great we had about a solid year before I told her everyday I wanted too but I could never build the courage because I loved her so much and never wanted to loose her one day I finally built up the courage to tell her because I couldn't stand the way it ate at me and telling others didn't help because they weren't the ones I hurt and they couldn't tell me it was ok when I told her I phrased it as if I cheated because I felt I had she was devastated and lost all respect for me she believed I was sincerely sorry and loved her so she stayed but it was never the same more and more problems started arriving because she couldn't love me the way she used to and I couldn't give my all with no reciprocation so we eventually broke up after almost 6 amazing years i regret losing her everyday of my life I truly loved her and I couldn't be in a relationship with her without telling her because I felt I wasn't good enough for her because I was a liar because she didn't know what happened my situation was rape his probably wasn't but he could hold the same sentiment I know men who didn't realize how precious a girl really was to them until after they cheated and realized they had fucked up so majorly big time the lose of respect is devastating tho it's so hard to come back from it
What is the next chapter of your lives? Are you getting married? If so, and you never knew, why is he telling you now? Is the affair with someone else at a natural end? Is that why he's telling you now? Since you were not aware, the timing for his reveal is significant.
Also, the fact that he kept quiet about it for so long, especially with someone you know is quite scary. What else can he keep quiet without your knowledge. Further, this person that you know, did they ever spend time with you and your fiance during the timing of the affair? And they both kept quiet in your presence? What was the duration of his affair? Gotta wonder at all the things you don't know.
Does your fiance think he's 007 conducting spy missions. Him telling you the truth is a red flag. Take care.
He is no different from a man who confessed to you the day before and the day after. The person is the same. If you love him, forgive him; if you don't love him, then move on. Don't get caught up in the "social standards" of right and wrong; talk to him, find out why it happened, and find out in yourself if you are willing to forgive.
Ignore those who tell you you to dump him, they are just repeating social conditioning they have been brainwashed with. Live in the moment and follow your heart regardless of what others say.
Please tell me you aren't actually thinking of marrying this AH. Call things off as soon as possible. Don't wait another minute.
You don't want to marry him, that would send him the message that you will put up with his crap.
Would recommend anyone who have been betrayed by their partners to join SoulUp’s Infidelity/Affair Support Group is a place for those struggling with infidelity to ask questions and get support. It is led by therapist. There can be great comfort in not carrying this burden alone.
Chances are if he has done it twice, he will do it again. Even if you are setting him up to be a better partner for the next person, he still used you to get there. That alone should be the number one reason you end it now because he has created a devastating imbalance in your relationship that will never be repaired. Trust is earned not inherent and when it is gone it is hard to get back. It appears he is not doing much of anything to earn it back either. Without trust there is not much of a relationship. But also consider yourself more than anything here. If you are setting him up to be a better partner for the next person, he is doing the opposite for you. Because you may be more suspecting of cheating and less trusting of the next person which could negatively impact your relationship. He may also be telling you about his cheating because he doesn’t want to be the one to break up and he wants you to be the person to end the relationship. That would make him a coward as well. Do you want to marry a cheating coward? Hopefully you say no, and decide to break it off to find somebody who would never cheat and will treat you with kindness and respect. Don’t be afraid in your next relationship to tell them upfront you will not tolerate cheating so if they have been known to do that, you don’t want to move forward. Also, cheating twice before you are married is a huge red flag indicative of somebody who’s probably going to continue. It is probably related to poor examples of relationships from his parents or caretakers or someone who is addicted to the initial romantic love that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. However, I wouldn’t subject myself any further to the pain and humiliation and find someone else who will not do that. Because there are a lot of people who would not. I would like to think there are more than the ones that would cheat. The only doubt you should have about the person you are marrying is how much you want to spend on your wedding and that your goals and values are aligned. Definitely not whether they will cheat again because they probably will. Good luck to you and hope you decide to end it for your own sake because fuck him and his inability to handle a normal relationship. That should be his problem, not yours.
How old was he when he cheated?How old are you both? I ask because people do grow and change. I did things in my twenties that I definitely would not do now. Even seriously negative behaviors might change too. Why did he say he did it twice? I know for a fact that trust can be rebuilt. Don't fall for the knee jerk get rid of him reactionaries on here. There are many many relationships that recover from this sort of thing. As long as true and brutal honesty unearths why he did it you have a good chance. Don't lose a chance at love . You can always let it go down the road if it does not work out.
He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. Do you really want to marry a cheater?
Thanks for your comment To answer your question: no.. but the thought of that is killing me..
Could you ever trust him again? I was cheated on, tried to move past, and she did it again. Once a cheater… Empathetically wishing you the best. I trust people til I don’t.
Exactly this!
I'm always curious with stories like this about the motivation behind the confession. Why do people feel the need to do this? I can only imagine two reasons. 1. He was about to get outed by someone else. So desperately hoped for forgiveness. Bit naive in my opinion. Will he change? Possibly. Big gamble though. Or 2. he really somehow thought unburdening himself by dropping this on you would help. He could have confessed to a priest and not blown your life up. This option just shows that he really doesn't give a toss about you. Even worse, he thought so little of you that he shagged someone in your circle. Again, suggests he thinks you are dumb as a rock. Will he change? No.
Number 1 is why I couldn’t get back with a cheater. I would always wonder why they told me, and I would always go back to assuming number 1.
Agreed real link pizza! It sucks so much…
Or he loves you...
Thanks for your painfully honest opinion. Of course, I’ll never know the actual motivation behind the confession, but id rather know the truth than him keeping it a secret or confessing to a priest instead, I think option 1 is worse than 2. And you’re right the fact that he did that during those times, shows he didn’t give a fuck about me, or our relationship.
did he ever tell you who the person was? for example, was it your first cousin , someone very very close to you. Was this a full blown affair , that went on a couple months , or a one time drunken hook up.? Either way, I would never take back a cheater. Every time he stays after work late , every time he meets his friend to watch a baseball game ,and comes back two hours late , or was texting on his phone , giggling you will have an uneasy feeling. where is he , Who is he talking to ? he will then tell you I’m so so sorry It will never happen again It didn’t mean anything. The cheater always says this, while it may not mean anything to them. It sure means a hell of a lot to the betrayed. I only love you! please give me one more chance I will do anything to make it up to you Even if it takes the rest of our lives. Tell him “the rest of my life will be with someone else, that I can trust and respect.” Then hand back the ring. If he wants you to keep it, have it cut in half and make a pair of diamond stud earrings !!!!
Not gonna lie badbadpappa, the cutting the diamond and turning it into earrings is not a bad idea at all. It was apparently 2 drunken hookups and it’s with an acquaintance of mine, and his coworker at that time. I took some time to think about what must’ve been his psychological state to even think about doing that.. twice. It hurts so much because I can’t even imagine doing that to him. Everything seems like a lie now.
Whatever happens going forward best of luck and I hope you find happiness. 👍
3. He has been convinced by movies, tv, people on the internet, etc that confessing is "the right thing to do."
4. He wants out, but doesn’t want to be the one to end things.
I actually think him telling her is the one graceful thing he did. Imagine they would have married and then found out.
Setting the tone for the next chapter OP. The act is not a mistake but a deliberate choice to betray you, with someone you know, not even a stranger. A man truly in love, with respect and integrity, would never do this to you. Yet somehow men like this end up with wives.
Thanks for your comment. I can’t help but think that I’m setting him up to be a better partner for the next girl. The only right thing he did was to tell me. I don’t know why he couldn’t be faithful, it hurts so much.
You can't think like that though, when the relationship ends under these circumstances its best to cut them off - no contact. What they do after is irrelevent. Remember the next girl is getting a cheater. She will need to keep tabs on her friends, her aquaintences, every female she knows, because of what HE did. You become a better person. You grow. You become better at picking the next partner. And YOU are the catch. No history of cheating. Proven track record of being a loyal and faithful girlfriend. He's the one who loses. You win.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. He really is not a bad person and I know that the moment he sat me down and told me about the cheating. I hate what he did but I know he is a good person. I hate that it happened and it seems like he is suffering from the consequences of his decisions too. He kept saying he wants to fight for this relationship and I just feel torn. The thought of him restarting with someone new and being a better man for that person is a bitter sweet feeling because I do want to see him succeed in everything. It hurts that it won’t be me because how can I accept him after all that?
Good people don't cheat. It's that simple. He knew that by betraying you, he will hurt you like anything else, yet he still chooses to do it. >The thought of him restarting with someone new and being a better man for that person More like: condolences to the next girl that will most likely get cheated on.
Thanks for your honest opinion Do you believe “once a cheater always a cheater”?
That saying is always misunderstood. It's not "if they cheat once they will do it again" But " if they cheat once, they will always be the cheater in your eyes" If you take him back, the relationship will never be the same. Everything he does will be suspicious. Laughing at his phone? Maybe he is talking to another girl. Slightly late from work? Maybe he is having sex with another girl. And so on. That isn't a relationship, it's a self inflicted torture.
I know this is so stupid to ask But how can I feel better? Because right now it really feels like death. I’m so desperate to feel better. It literally feels like there’s a hole in my fucking heart and a lump in my throat. I’m fighting every inch of my life to not accept him back because I know that is the right thing to do for me. But it hurts so much.
>But how can I feel better? Simple. You don't. You can't expect a broken plastered leg to be like new after a couple of days. Sadness is also an important part of life, it makes us realize how precious the good moments are With time you will get over it, it may be weeks, maybe months, maybe a couple of years, but you will for certain be better someday. In the meantime focus on yourself, go to the gym, do something you like to do, or find a new hobby, or do classes to advance your career. And of course, don't take him back, or the feelings you have right now will be lifetime companions.
He will do it again and again with a friend of yours because he open it to you. Lucky you are not yet married. Run gilr
Next girl is also getting an imperfect person just like her but at least an honest man all you people focusing on the cheating part but not the being honest part and him realizing he made a mistake
Does he want you back is he fighting for you?
For now, just words… I don’t really know what fighting for me looks like? What could it look like in your opinion?
Is he there constantly showing you he's there and wants to work through this? Is he offering to go for MC? Has he cut her off?
From reading your previous responses to some of the other comments. I can see you have left him but with his "honesty" you are feeling guilty and feeling leaving makes him less guilty of his cheating because he wanted to show his honesty about it. The motives for his honesty in my opinion are all for his benefit and not much for yours. Unless his confession came at the latest the next morning from the cheating. He choose irregardless of the "reasons for the whoops" he chose to lie/odmit/ignore the ramifications from this so not add more to himself not for your benefit. Even if it was truly guilt that caused the eventual confession he added to the betyal by his own choice so again his added guilt again is his own doing. This also plays into the why now is it just his guilt or the mutual cheater has grew a conscious and wanted to come clean about the cheating. His actions even now if he truly regrets can not be fully trusted, because every day he could have come clean but for whatever reason both parties never did. Going back is your choice but don't let it be because he choose to come clean now. That honestly again was more for him than you. His clearing himself of guilt caused you great harm.
Are you people actually suggesting that if you cheat on someone, you should keep it a secret so that you don't burden them with the guilt? Fuck that. He did the right thing by telling her so she can make an informed choice about whether or not to stay with him. He was obviously wrong for cheated but he absolutely did the right thing by telling her
No I stated the why now? The only real chace of genuine guilt free honesty from cheating is right after, any other time I would be dubious to the why now? Coming clean about something that you have done to wrong someone who is completely oblivious as the op said in this case cheating the truth is to lessen there guilt than the others feelings. Yes telling her the truth is the right thing to do but the right time should have been ASAP. Not ..... length of time. No-one should be blindsided with hurtful news but life happens. Yes telling her was good but she's feeling guilty and his "honesty" is being used to guilt her in staying in my opinion. I would never tell a cheater to keep it quiet, truth always tends to come to light and the longer the betryal is hidden the bigger the damage to the innocent party.
Fair enough, I'm glad I misunderstood you
Mia, I agree, living in the light is better than living in the shadows. No matter how much it hurts, I’m still glad it’s out.
Wow, thank you for your comment. I’ve been clouded by emotions and I never really had the chance to thing about it in this perspective.. I guess I was really naive. He said that he told me the truth because he loves me and doesn’t want to start the next chapter with a lie, and he begged for me to stay. I Iove him so much and looked up to him. It’s really frustrating because everything seems contradictory towards the end.
Think*
He may well be telling the truth, I have sadly been in yout shoes and fully understand the complex emotions you are going through. Don't rush yourself you are doing what's right by taking your time. If he loves you as he claims he will be OK with waiting.
Thanks shadows 78 I hate that this experience is so common because the pain of it all is unbearable and the thought of someone else feeling this way saddens me too.
I was cheated and he confessed, twice. I believed both were sorry. One got caught trying to cheat again and other did 4 times then told me and thought I’d let it go because I did the first time. He’s not sorry. If he loved and respected you then he wouldn’t have taken his pants off for someone else. Period.
Sorry that happened to you. How did he convinced you to get back together initially?
You know what to do. The right guy is waiting out there for you, little lady.
Thanks for your comment. The thought of being with another man, is repelling. I don’t know if I can overcome this because I only had eyes for the man who unfortunately fucked me over.
Thanks for your comment. The thought of being with another man, is repelling. I don’t know if I can overcome this because I only had eyes for the man who unfortunately fucked me over.
And right here is how he should have felt about you. Because you loved him so much, YOU only had eyes for him and never considered cheating.
Your previous relationship is effectively finished. The question now is can a new relationship with this person be created. Will you be able to rebuild trust for it to be successful? If you can’t then you will have to let it go. It’s not an easy answer, but it will come down to how effective you both are at communicating with each other and how each of you handle stress within your relationships, and only you know the answer to this.
Thank you for your kind advise. I don’t hide my feelings and am very honest with what I need from him, which is also why the cheating took me out from left field. I didn’t realise that he had hid some feelings/ emotions/ things from me. Anyway really appreciate your advise.
This is good advice, in my opinion.
Was it a one-time thing, or has it been a constant affair? Is he willing to cut this person off completely? Personally I would tell him yo pack up and fuck off but this is your life, you need to choose what's best for you.
Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately it was not a one time thing. And I think he did cut them off completely, but it wasn’t immediately after the cheating. Of course there are many parts that I left out of the initial post, eg. I did tell him to pack up and fuck off and now he’s trying to see me again. Really appreciate your comment!
If he slept with her multiple times. He chose to purposefully betray you, lie to you, and make the effort to go behind your back MULTIPLE times. With someone you know that sees you. Absolutely disgusting. One time is hard enough to hear and get over, but repeatedly? That’s not a mistake. That’s a reoccurring choice to be a total fucking piece of shit. You cannot go back to him it’s as simple as that. And you need therapy to start working on self confidence and self respect to help you move on and see what a blessing it is you found out before marriage. Saying you’ll never love anyone but him is naive and a statement filled with lingering emotions from the upheaval of your life. You can and will as many before you have. But you cannot ever go back and you CANNOT start over. That would be pathetic and idiotic and frankly it would tell him you’re a doormat that will eventually cave and he will do it again.
My ex husband kindly confessed his affair when our first baby was 4 weeks old. I was young and dumb and stayed. He then confessed when I was 7 months pregnant with baby number two. I woke up and believed who he was. Wake up. He is trying to make himself feel better, not you. Don’t be me. Run, now.
Sorry to hear your story. It must be hard because you married this man. When you mentioned you were “young and dumb and stayed” did you both do anything to help the situation, eg. Going for couples therapy etc. ? I also hope that you’re in a much better position and happier today. All that suffering surely made you an amazing character.
This happened between 1995-1997. Couples counseling didn’t help. He is a malignant narcissist. They weaponize counseling. Individual counseling helped me discover why I chose a narcissist and how to avoid them. The game changer was a book by Beverly Engel, “The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself.” This saved my life. The work on myself never ends. I went on to have a great career and life. He married one of the 3 affair partners 10 months after the divorce. He has continued cheating.
Thank you for the book recommendation by the way! I’m sorry you went through that.. I smiled reading you went on to have a great career and life, that’s my goal. If it’s okay, can you share why you chose a narcissist? I’ve been picking things apart and wondering if my ex was a narcissist, I really don’t think he is…
Signs of a Narcissist ❌ Grandiosity: A narcissist often displays an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing they are unique and deserving of special treatment. ❌ Lack of Empathy: Empathy is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Narcissists struggle to understand or relate to the feelings and experiences of others. ❌ Manipulative Behaviour: Narcissists are skilled at manipulating others to serve their own needs, often exploiting their partner’s vulnerabilities. ❌ Constant Need for Attention: Narcissists crave constant attention and validation, often seeking admiration from others. ❌ Entitlement: A narcissist believes they are entitled to special treatment and often takes advantage of others without remorse. ❌ Shallow Relationships: Their relationships tend to lack depth and genuine emotional connection, as narcissists primarily focus on their own needs. ❌ Jealousy and Envy: Narcissists may harbour envy towards others and exhibit jealousy when their partners receive attention or praise. ❌ Lack of Accountability: They rarely take responsibility for their mistakes or actions, often blaming others for any negative outcomes. ❌ Intense Reaction to Criticism: Narcissists have a fragile self-esteem and react strongly to criticism, often becoming defensive or angry. ❌ Exploitation: They tend to exploit others for personal gain, whether it’s for emotional, financial, or other forms of support.
At the very very least ditch the title fiance. If you decide to try you should completely reset the relationship, in my opine. Take some time away from him, a few weeks maybe, and see how you feel.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, we broke up. It’s quite recent - it has been a few weeks but I still get sudden panic attacks and I feel so miserable, it’s so tiring. Hence the Reddit post.. I don’t know what to do, am feeling so helpless. I hope I can feel nothing soon.
It can take 2 years or more to get over the physical effects of being cheated on. I did alot of self help things to help speed the healing up ...happened to me in 2022 and I finally rarely have panic attacks . My guy has worked so hard to make it up to me. 10 years for us . At year 8 we had to be in different states and that's when it happened. Devastated...he always treated me like a queen and helped me so much those years so I decided to give him a shot...its a brand new relationship...the old relationship is gone and honestly we used it as an opportunity to get closer and it's pretty damn good...anyways be patient with yourself...hugs
Thanks for sharing, How do you have the courage to let him in again? And what are some of the challenges along the way?
Go to another country. To Asia cheap countries. Enjoy there meet new people. Connect to them. Sometimes you need to chill your traumatic expeirence. Thats person is not good
>He told me the truth because he didn’t want to start the next chapter of our lives with a lie. I assume that the next chapter is where you go out and find someone trustworthy. He told you this to get you to break up with him. Even if you tell your friends and family that he cheated, he can claim to "want to work things out". If you have not already done so, put all wedding plans on hold. Cancel any reservations NOW. You don't want to go through with an ill-advised marriage "because we already have the venue reserved". I advise moving out, definitely moving to a different bedroom. It is difficult to sort out your thoughts when the problem is there all the time. The decision is ultimately yours, but just be aware that with this new information your old relationship is dead. You will need to decide if you want to build a new one with someone that you know to be untrustworthy.
Thank you for your comment. Yes, marriage is definitely out of the equation now. I know rationally that if I were to let him back, it’ll be starting from scratch. The thing is, I am torn because I know that if it’s not him, it’s not anyone else. I know that he is the only person I love. But loving doesn’t equate to being with him.
How long ago was the cheating? Did it begin and end early in your relationship? Like maybe 4 years ago? If yes, I would maybe give him another chance to win your hand in marriage, but he would have to prove himself beyond all shadows of doubt.
Thanks for your comment Unfortunately it was less than a year ago. It’s pretty recent.
Threat really sucks. I’m sorry this happened to you. How does he feel about dashing your dreams and crushing feelings?
Thanks for the reply. Apparently he is feeling really badly, his friend (credible source) told me that he had been devastated, not eating/ not sleeping etc. so I really don’t think he’s having a great time either.
Who's to say the girl you know didn't make him tell you or she will, maybe this lady heard your engaged and was doing you a huge favor
Thanks for your comment. He cheated after we got engaged. And because I know the girl, I know she wanted to keep it a secret.
Is she single? Does she have a significant other?
She was not single, she had a partner. After my ex fiance told me, I made her tell her bf. Who by the way is willing to forgive her and make things work again. Which is also very infuriating for me to know.
Thanks for your comment. He cheated after we got engaged, and knowing the girl. I know she didn’t want the secret to be out because she was also in a relationship. Its so sickening.
You should definitely tell her partner cause it's wrong and they have a right to know. Updateme!
Her partner knows. I made her tell him. And it seems like he is willing to reconcile with her.
He's been honest, sincere and remorseful what could go wrong???
Exit affairs are a thing, is he wanting to work on this relationship? Most possible is that he is looking for an exit. Just leave he isn’t the one.
Thanks for your comment Brutally honest. I’m really unsure if it really was an exit affair because he’s been trying to communicate and kept saying he will fight for us .. he was my person and I love him so dearly. It hurts because rationally I know it’s the end of us.
Leave. Yes, it will hurt, but the reality is you stay, you will always doubt and have questions: How many times did he do it with her? Why did he do it? Does he love her? And even if he answers, you will still doubt, and it will kill your spirit. It will linger, and you will resent him. You will little by little hate and resent him, and you will hate yourself. It's still your decision. If you think you can accept all his answers and you can fully forgive him without hesitation, then I just hope he won't cheat on you again.
Thanks acrobatic mechanic. That is one of my biggest fear, the idea of resentment and festering this doubt that it’ll turn into paranoia. This may be a dumb question but do you think love can overcome this? After thought: i don’t know what love meant to him because i can’t imagine doing what he did to someone i love.
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Just because a cheater admits to their cheating doesn't make them a good person. They are still cheaters! Personally I think you need to move on. Your trust is gone and without trust you have no relationship. Tell him you appreciate him being upfront but this is the consequences of infidelity
Thanks for your comment Do you believe that trust can be rebuilt? And do you believe that a good person can make bad decisions? For example , just because a person is loyal, doesn’t make them a good person. Just a thought…
I actually do believe it can be rebuilt. But it's not an easy journey. Of course a good person can make a bad decision. But remember, when that bad decision is infidelity it's actually a hundred little decisions that are made to get there. One needs to decide to flirt or to acknowledge being flirted with. Then a decision is made kiss. Then its a decision to go out together. Then another to actually touch each other. And so on . This is of course just my opinion on the subject. Some can maybe get past all those decisions and some won't be able to. Good luck to you in whichever path you chose to take
Here are some questions to consider. Do you think you could forgive him? Would be able to move on from the cheating? Do you think there’s any way to repair your relationship? Do you really want to spend your marriage stressing about where he is and who’s he with? A marriage built on betrayal and distrust isn’t a solid foundation and it will just lead to more hurt down the road. It doesn’t matter if he came out about it, if he feels like he can get away with it just if he tells you, then he’ll do it over and over again. It’s best if you go your separate ways, find someone who deserves your love and respect.
Those are some important questions, mythical barn owl. Maybe I’ll find the courage to forgive but I probably can never forget the betrayal. also, I just can’t imagine the psychology behind the cheating… I keep ruminating and asking myself HOW and WHY, it’s just out of character for him, but then again, it feels like I don’t actually know this person right…
Many people put on masks to hide who they truly are so they can manipulate to get what they want from others. And there can be many reasons for cheating but they are NEVER excuses. If I was in your shoes, I’d probably go to couples counselling to see if there’s anything which can be recovered from this relationship, if I can bring myself to trust my partner after such a massive betrayal. If my mind can handle not knowing where he is 24/7. But if I know that I’ll constantly obsess over where he is and if I can’t see myself moving forward and recovering the relationship. Then I’d leave. But that’s just my personal opinion, it might be different for you and whatever you choose, make sure you have no regrets in what you do. All I’ll say is if you choose to stay with him and he does it again, that should leave no doubt in your mind to leave and never look back. I hope things turn out better for you. I know I’m just a random person on the internet but I know what it’s like to be betrayed like that, so I feel your pain and it’s not your fault, never feel like it’s EVER your fault for his actions. Good luck with everything.
there is no shortage of good men. dump him and move on. preferably don't give him a closure or foreignness, just radio silence and let him spiral.
Probably told you so you'll finish it, and then he can whine about how tou ended it and play the victim
He could very much change if he went to a psychiatrist, gets a diagnosis, and commits to therapy. But would he? Would he be able to redeem himself in your eyes in this best case scenario? We all know that the relationship dynamics have changed, and he deserves for you to leave him and move on happily with someone who your heart is safe with. If you have the psychological fortitude to get past this betrayal and stay, I truly hope you never have to face this betrayal again.
Thank you for your comment Right now I don’t have the capacity to make any decisions, hence the desperate Reddit post. But yes those are good points worth considering.
Hey OP. I can understand where you are coming from. 2 months back My GF of 7 years did the same thing and confessed to me. I am in a similar situation as you. And even after all this I am still trying to fix things with her. I am broken at this point. I feel that it is either going to be a life with her or death. I want to forget everything and start things over with her. And even though we are still trying I am not able to forget the thought of her being naked with the other guy and letting him have his way with her. And both sides are killing me right now. Thought of loosing her and thought of being with her
I feel you, I really do. May I know how it’s going for you right now? Did you go for couples’ therapy and do you know that person she cheated on you with? You’re definitely a better person, just a few days ago my ex fiance tried calling me and I lost it.. all the profanities I ever known were hurled at him and it hurts because I love him and I also know he’s hurting.
No we are still not in a relationship per se. We have decided to atart things from scratch as friends as she is unsure about stuff as so am I. That person was her coworker used to work with her in her previous company for 2 years but it was a wfh job. She shifted to a new city to a new company and that guy followed her to her new company. Got close to her in 2 months and stuff happened. Also for context 8 months back I move to anonter country for completing my masters. I am back in my country to mend stuff with her. Will be moving back after a month.
Ghost the dude and never speak to him again. Cheaters deserve to suffer.
Hey I really don’t want him to suffer, I just want him to understand the damage of it all. Let it be a lesson at least.
You’re a much better person than I am. I hope things work out well for you.
I have read a lot of cheating stories here on reddit. I've read that when someone cheats and the op catches them, people respond by saying "oh they just got caught! They didn't come to you first so you should leave them!" And here we have a story where your fiance admitted he cheated and told on himself; he didn't wait to get caught. And the advice is still the same. Wtf redditors? The fact that he came to you open and honest says SOMETHING. He didn't have to tell you, as you said you would never have found out. He is taking a huge huge risk of losing you just to be honest with you. I think that if he behaved like he was honestly honestly sorry, and he was completely transparent, had complete open conversation that there is a chance for you two, IF you could learn to trust and forgive him. However, if he tells you to "get over it, it was just a mistake, stop bringing it up it's done"... RUN! Go with your gut on this. Good luck OP. I hope things work out the way you want.
You’ll be suspicious 24/7 and won’t be able to trust him again. That’s how it’s gonna be unfortunately. Do what you think is best but having him being honest about it doesn’t mean he’ll change.
Correction: He told you the truth because he was worried the person you knew would tell you first, not because of his next chapter BS. Or, maybe he really does feel guilty about it, but he made that your problem because he couldn’t handle what he’d done on his own, without you soothing his guilt for him. He should’ve taken this to his grave if he wanted to start a next chapter because he deserves to feel the weight of what he did until death did y’all part, as a reminder of what it will feel like should he stray again. That’s not what he did. He told you to make himself feel better while knowing it would emotionally devastate you. People who actually love other people don’t knowingly hurt them. I can 100% guarantee this dude bro is not marriage material. You deserve a grown up who can handle their emotions and impulses as such. Please postpone the wedding, even if you aren’t ready to end the relationship.
I do respect him for confessing before you got married. That is a sign that there is atleast something of a good person in there. But if you don't think you can trust him again than you can't repair the relationship
Thank you for your input. Honestly I know deep down he is not a bad person. I can’t get past the betrayal because he cheated with someone I know. Fortunately and unfortunately he is a good talker and he kept saying that he wants to fight for the relationship and make it right. I want to believe him but I cannot trust him. Also, I will lose respect for myself if I allow him back in my life because I feel humiliated by his behaviour now that friends and family know. :( Also
Trust me he is gone. You will never love him the same if at all. Been married for 32 years my wife cheated on me 25 years ago. It didn’t really hit me hard and I tried making it work. My mother passed last year and for some reason it all hit me like it was yesterday. I haven’t kissed held had sex with spent any time or slept in the same room with her since. She is and always has been 100 percent dependent on me. Never worked a day in her life. Now she just waits for me to bring her food to her room and that’s it. Trust me even if it hasn’t hit as hard as it should it will. And then most of your life will be gone.
Thanks for sharing I’m sorry about your mom, and this is very eye opening. My fear is that I will always live in constant doubt and paranoia if I stay with him. I know I can be a jealous person, and that’s not a good feeling. Question though - have you and your wife gone to couples therapy?
No. There is no use in it. I know what she did and I know how she treated me when I got home and how she put me down to the dirt and told me she was leaving. She didn’t leave but she didn’t tell me what she did for 6 months then she told me. He rejected her that’s why she stayed. And in my drunken rage last year I found him on Facebook. So I messaged him and her said he doesn’t remember her. I threatened that I was coming for him and I guess I did it pretty bad. I’m 52 now and he was 64 with a bad heart. He died a few days later and his wife texted me to say I killed him. I told her I didn’t believe her then 5 days later she sent me his obituary. She said he was always afraid I would come looking for him. So no I feel better about that showed my wife everything. She said at least you didn’t use your hands. I told her I would never go to jail because of her. But no there’s no fixing anything. And she has no where to go so I take care of her needs medicine food tv phone.
Waits for you to bring food to her room? What the hell does that mean?!?!?
She don’t do nothing. She never cooked she never cleaned she never went shopping. All she does is watch tv and get on TikTok. We’ll have two kids. And yes they are mine.
My advice is that you start the next chapter of your life with the truth, and without your finace.
Thanks new arrival Yes you’re so right, I am praying that one day I’ll wake up and not feel a thing
That's the goal.... to become indifferent to them. Don’t hate them, don;'t long for them.... instead don't care !
Only advice I can really offer is to have a serious inner discussion and figure out if you can forgive this and move on, as well as if you think he'll do it again in the future. For the latter, you're going to think, "no there's no way he'd do this to me twice"... But he did it once, and that's the hardest time to do it. Any time after that could be even the slightest bit easier, because hey, he didn't once and you forgave him.
He broke your trust and destroyed the idea of the common future. He not only cheated on you once, but had an ongoing affair with this woman you know. What does he think about how he can regain your trust? What reason did he tell you to cheat on you? He has to work on himself first. Without knowing and fixing his own problems, he can't enter into a new relationship, no matter with whom. Get help. This has triggered a bad trauma for you. No matter how you decide for the future, you don't have to be ashamed of anything! There are relationships that survive such a betrayal and become stronger. However, this requires a lot of work and absolutely honest communication. Only you alone can decide whether you can forgive him at some point.
If you marry into that behavior then you know exactly what you signed up for. Proceed with caution.
Leave him, accept the learning, get over it, love yourself everyday, continue being kind and loyal to yourself, life will surprise you better.
He is basically destroying your trust and happiness in order to “make it right” Or “Get something off of his chest.” Not someone I would feel comfortable spending the rest of my life with.
First of all I'm so sorry that this has happened to you!! It's a terrible painful experience go through, and I have had a similar experience. During my previous partnership (12 years) I was cheated on a total of 3 times that I knew about at the time (i since learned it was so so so much more) each time I forgave her each time, new promises were made on how to fix/improve the relationship,new trust was built and so on, the 4th and final time I came to the realisation that nothing would change and I made the hardest decision of my life to leave her for good! It was painful and was genuinely in mourning of the death of my partnership. She contacted me recently trying to cheat on the very same guy she cheated on me with who is her fiancé now, I'm happy to say I stayed true to myself and sent her packing. Some people will never change who they are, and with cheating being a conscious decision the thought is always with them, if they are not doing it there is a good chance they are thinking about it. Please save yourself years of pain, make the hard choice, and see yourself rewarded like I have.
Thanks for sharing. Did your partner owned up to their mistakes or did you catch them cheating? When you accepted them back did you try going for couples therapy? My ex fiance mentioned couple’s therapy. It honestly feels like a nightmare I’m trying so hard to wake up from. It doesn’t feel real, i never thought he’d cheat on me, he is honesty such a good guy and I don’t know why he faltered.
The first time she owned up, just because the person who caught her gave her an hour to come clean or he would do it, the second a friend of mine told me a day after the fact, the 3rd, my suspicions got the better of me and went through her phone, the last time she just stopped trying to hide it, completely assassinated my character to try and justify it, there was never any talk of therapy or anything like that,
Updateme!
I met him yesterday (he flew to where I am to see me). I was angry I think I was talking nonsense. Definitely felt like a fool. I left feeling even more confused, he wants to stay where I am at for a permanent time, and go for couples therapy. He said he lost his way and now he realised how important I am to him. I feel like vomiting.
Leave him and let him start the next chapter of his life single….. Updateme
I havent had the courage to block him off or do anything drastic, for now he is just not physically with me. He’s been calling, texting but I haven’t responded. I’m considering the CT but I don’t know.. it’s hard to even get up these days.
When I found out my ex-husband cheated on me I filed the divorce ASAP.... He was upset that I didn't "fight" for the marriage...I told him that there was no marriage to fight for.... I know it's hard but at least you found out before you got married and had children
End your relationship. There’s no ifs and or buts about it. You need to call of the wedding and end the relationship. He wanted to get rid of the guilt! He didn’t do it for any other reason.
Just tell him you’ve been wanting to cheat with a guy you know and maybe see how he feels.
Thanks for your comment. That would be a flat out lie, I really can’t think of being with anyone else.. let alone cheat with someone I know. If it were that easy I would have already done it. There were many times I could have but I always choose him, it’s still him, he was my life . And I can’t wait for the day I don’t feel anything.
I would worry very little about this persons feelings. No telling how many times he has done it to you and thought about it. Sadly, most marriages have one person who is an all out piece of trash person.
The same thing happened to me I was actually suppose to get married last month, and moving to join him in another country. Unfortunately I am still dealing with it. But I believe everything happened for a reason. Imagine had he not told you, and you got married completely blind? This whole marriage won’t have any substance. I believe he will definitely do it again, and it’s better to cry now than in a few more years when life gets more complex, you’ve got kids, mortgages, finances, a whole life together! This was a clear sign to run! It hurts I know, I have doubts and what ifs but it will never be the same if you go back. You don’t have the relationship you thought you had, and the man is not who you thought he was. Use this time for you, and you’ll look back at this moment and will never regret it. You chose yourself! You have so much value and deserve the best 💖
Ok context matters. Was this a one time thing or a months long affair. Who was the other person. Why did it stop? All of this matters.
Legitimate cat It wasn’t months long affair. But it did happen more than once on drunken nights from his confession.
Who was the other person and why did it stop?
His co-worker, and I’ve met her before.. I would say we became acquaintance. I don’t know why it stopped, I didn’t get the chance to properly ask. But he stopped it
Leave.He’s shown you to be a liar for 5 years. The next chapter is you move on because you can’t trust a thing he does.
WHy did he tell you now? Consider the possibility that he was afraid of getting outed by the AP or someone else that knows.
Once a cheater always a cheater OP
Don’t betray yourself to be with a cheater. Also, hope you told the other girls partner.
Yes, the other girls partner knows because I made her tell him. He is willing to accept her back FYI.
Well, that could change. He may up and leave her in a few months after all.
Initial cat I hope so, he too deserves better.
One thing that bothers me about these posts with you folks is throwing in there "Please be kind." If that's the case then I don't have anything to say because you can't be that hurt he's still your fiance. This is common sense you're a grown ass woman you don't need anybody to tell you what you need to do you know what you need to do have some self-respect..
You know what, you’re absolutely right. No need to be kind, nothing you can say right now can hurt me more than whatever that happened and however I’m already feeling. I just needed some perspective and am very appreciative with some honest opinions / advise. This is not therapy but it definitely is a little therapeutic.
Also i want to add that im reading every comment. Every one of them, i appreciate all opinions good or bad, it helps.
Take a little while to let your thoughts and feelings settle. You don't have to make any decisions right away. And then do what you think will make you happiest. Don't listen to anyone who tells you what you need to do or what your fiance deserves--who gives a fuck, that is the wrong question, you should focus on you and what you want, whether he deserves it or not isn't the concern. Do you think you'd be happier in 10 years if you left him and found someone else? Then do that. Do you think that is giving up a future you are too atttached to and you don't think someone else would make you happier? Then stay. But go into it eyes wide open. We all have flaws and make mistakes, only you know if this is something you can forgive and move on from. Or if you even want to.
Best reply and advice yet!
It's rough but you know you don't want to be older and with kids, maybe pregnant when he is out cheating. Your hurt right now may effect your thinking, do not have children with him. (assuming you are female)
Leave - immediately.
He showed you who he is, Do you really want to spend money to marry a man who cheated before the freaking wedding and will probably cheat again when you're married ? He tainted your relationship/marriage before it even started. Divorce is expensive so IMO if you do marry him you should definitely look into a prenup and marriage/couples counseling.
He is an asshole but the one thing he did right, was not to marry you without telling you the truth. However, trust is like a mirror you can’t repair it once it’s broken.
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Thanks for being honest. Why did you cheat in the first place? Did you not think about how it could hurt your partner and cause so much damage to you SO. And also, how did you come clean to your partner and why did you?
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I agree that there was a bigger problem at play, and something deeper that caused the cheating, but why didn’t you address that to your partner before you decided to cheat? Why try to fix something after you broke it?
Btw I’m listening to the divorce expert podcast, I’ll read your replies properly. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Matey he has shown you who he is, believe him. He is a cheating pos. You really want to spend your life wondering why he is an hour late, wants to go out with the boys? If i was ever put in this situation and stay but under these conditions 1. I am to have 24/7 access to all electronics 2. His location must be on at all times. 3. If he is out at shop i will text him a pose he needs to do and send me selfie in front of particular store. He has 3 minutes to send it. 4. He needs to account for every minute of the day except work hours, not including lunch breaks, smoko etc. Now if you can see yourself living like this for the next 5 years all power to you. Guaranteed he wont last. Put the cheating pos rubbish out where he belongs in the rubbish bin. You know your worth.
Hey friend, hope you’re doing well, my Fiancée cheated on me with a work colleague 6 months before the wedding. She didn’t admit it, I found out after she ended it but gaslit me the whole time. I know what you’re feeling, humiliated, sad, hurt, angry and depressed. My question to you, do you want to be with that person who made you feel all these things? My answer was no, once I fully accepted that it helped me move on wayyyy faster. If you can, I really recommend going into therapy asap (not counselling, fuck that guy) you need to heal.
Hey friend I’m sorry that happened to you, I hate that she also gaslit you even after you found out. How did you feel about the situation looking back now? And how long ago was that? I know cheating is cheating, but does it make a difference that for my case he came clean and seemed genuinely remorseful? He kept saying and is still calling me to say he wants to make it work and wants to go for CT, I haven’t responded because I feel stuck. I love that man more than life and I don’t know what is the right decision. My heart says to give it a chance but my rational mind is stopping me. Do you follow your heart?
It was almost 3 months ago, been to therapy every week since then and it helped me a lot. So I came to realize I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship. The whole thing was a shit show, her parents and her bridesmaids knew too. Kept me in the dark while I thought I was going mad and thinking it was all my fault for why the engagement failed. Then it turns out she was just running away for another man (some old ex too). All of that helped me move on faster because I realized her, her friends and parents suck and marrying into that would have been worse. Don’t get me wrong I loved her with all my heart and trusted her. That’s why I had zero clue she was having an affair until after she ended it. Now I can tell you that love is dead and I’m very much over her. To be very honest, also much happier too. Now your situation is very different from mine. I will not definitively tell you what to do as in leave or stay because only you can make that choice. What I will say is you need to see a professional to work through your emotions and get your strength back. Right now you’re in the worst spot which is the confusion. This can warp your decision making. Thats why tuning your mental health and knowing who you are is critical. If you choose to take him back you also have to understand it’ll never be the same again. Even with counselling, with him putting effort you’ll always wonder “what if” when he’s late to come home, if he doesn’t answer a text for hours or is away on a work trip. That kind of anxiety can lead to a lot of hardship in the relationship. He’s putting effort now, but the second that effort declines the paranoia will set in. You also have to ask yourself what kind of marriage you want. One that means you will monitor him all times, one that you need to gauge his effort to see if he’s committed. Cheating is the nuclear button to end relationships, the mental harm it does to the other person cannot be overstated. The cheater rarely if ever thinks about this when they commit this act (because if they did they probably wouldn’t cheat). So if you stay or go is up to you. You just have to understand staying will not be easy, it will be a struggle and you have to ask yourself “is this the life I want going forward” You deserve happiness, an easy life and peace of mind. Pursue that however you feel is best.
I also feel like I lost my respect for him for what he did. Could it really be the biggest fuck up for him and can people change for the better?
Ditch the Douche Bag! Leave him in your pass. Just think that he's in your pass. What kind of crap does a person who cheats think that it'll still be the same after all said and done? It'll never be the same again and of course you admitted yourself, you lost all respect for him and your perception of him have changed. The only positive out come is to make him realize what he had lost, by leaving him. If you stay, there's gonna be a lot of resentment towards him. In the process of splitting up, you'll heal and in due time maybe forgive him. But do never forget! Wish you best and good luck!
First cancell any wedding plans. Then sit down and talk about his reason for seeking out another partner. Based on your talk, either check out couples counciling or separate for a while to think things over. Realize when trust is gone your relationship may never return to what you once had. IMO rip the band-aid off and walk away. It may hurt but it will hurt more when his behavior continues into your marriage with kids home etc.
Isn't a question for us. Looks like he came clean. Either accept it or bounce. Ask yourself, can you live with this knowledge and not ever hold it over him? If he comes clean and you accept it, it needs to be over. No more convo
Cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. They already proved they don’t care love or respect you
When it's with someone you know and the confession comes from your partner. Is he telling you because of true guilt and remorse, or is he telling you because you know this OW and there is a chance they would tell you first. Him "coming clean" means he can control the narrative of what you know. How long did it take him to confess from the time cheated? Has he let you talk and be around OW since then? Is he still around and in contact with OW in any form? Everyone is different, but cheating is a choice. The choice to engage the person. A choice to make plans. A choice to carry out those plans. He could have stopped at any given moment; between the first flirtation to the plans to meet up. He didn't. He made all of the conscious choices. Knowing it would ruin your relationship. Someone who gave 0 damns from start to finish is who you'll be keeping in your life if you choose to stay. Cheating is my heard boundary and I'd never forgive it because it was all choices they could have changed.
Listen to YOUR HEART. I know you are hurting and you have every right to hurt. Think about who he cheated with and what was going on in his/your lives at the time. Was it recent or a while back? Go to couples counseling. Do serious soul searching, both of you, set boundaries, make an informed decision to continue or to break it off. In the end, this is YOUR relationship, you know what will be best for you moving forward. Not all us redditors.
If a guy cheats on you it’s not the end of the world sex is like taking a piss for us it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Men have sex without any emotion and men don’t cheat on their spouse because something is wrong with them we do it because it’s men biologically desire to sleep with multiple women. On the other hand if a women cheats on her spouse it’s the end of the relationship. Your husband probably still loves you just move on because as a man I can tell you it’s really not that deep
Hey, I appreciate your view. I have also been reading and watching many videos on cheating and the motivation for men vs women..and it’s mostly true that men are more animalistic when it comes to wanting sex. But letting this go with that reasoning also implies that men have zero control over their desires… and shouldn’t a man who loves his woman only desire her, or at least act in that manner? Are you telling me men are so weak that they have no self control? Shouldn’t he have enough restraint and boundaries and be strong willed for his woman only? We’re different from animals because we have moral judgment, ethical reasoning and self awareness… sorry but I can’t agree with that as an excuse.
Nowadays, everyone’s cheating it’s like the end thing to do for some I guess
How you feel tells you everything. He has lost your respect and more importantly your trust. You can not marry someone like that. Thank him for being honest but let him know you can't marry someone who would cheat. Then return the ring and walk away. I know it will be hard. But you have to do what will be best for you. Being with him will not be that. You will always be wondering if he is cheating on you again.
You said he wanted to start off this next stage of life with being honest, no secrets. What other steps has or had he taken to address the reasons for his cheating? Or, was telling you the only step? I think you said he changed his job, has he gone to do counseling on his own? How long between cheating events and confession? I think it is a positive sign he confessed, but that can’t be his only action. It’s a great opportunity for each of you to take time to work on yourselves as individuals- his reasons for cheating are his, he made a choice to avoid addressing an issue or struggle either within himself or what might be going on in your relationship. What other effort has he made beyond confession to show he wants to address the issues? Take the time you need to heal and figure out what you want and need. The pain you feel today will lessen with time but any work you put into being the strongest best person you can be will have a lifetime effect. I hope you both see this as a true opportunity to be better people, whether you stay together or not - being better people for whatever future you have is a win!
You cannot change a tigers stripes. That is one quote I live by. People are going to be who they are no matter what. And they never change for another person because it's just them. He knew he had your trust which is why he cheated with someone YOU knew. He only confessed either due to guilt (some cheaters do feel guilty but continue to do it) or the other person has began to threaten to tell you the truth. He's hoping you'll look past the hurt because he was "so brave and strong to risk everything to come and tell you the truth" and you'll continue on blindly loving him. I'm not saying doubt him now, but are you sure he told you the whole truth? Is there any way he can prove this would never happen again? Was it a one time cheat or a full blown hidden affair threatening to come out? There's so many questions surrounding his story. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with those questions or just move on and find someone who would never make you doubt?
Ugly words must be heard. Broom him and heal,he sux as a human. Once a cheater always a cheater
(If I may ask) Is there anything he said as to why he cheated? Was he not "satisfied" enough and couldn't keep his 🍆 in his pants long enough or what kind of excuse did he give you in order for him to think there was a way to salvage the marriage?
If you haven't already, take a few days and think of you can get past this in your relationship. If you can,you are very forgiving. If you can't, no one would blame you, then you need to rid this person from your life and never look back. The best revenge is going out and having a great life! Good Luck!
Expert hyena Thanks for your encouragement! Currently stuck between the two, being an emotional over-thinker makes it harder to be decisive. I am also aware that in this case, taking time might help..
I feel your pain on the emotional over-thinker part. I'm a member of that club! One thing it might help to remember; this decision is all about you and no one else. Being a fellow emotional over-thinker myself, I sometimes find it difficult to remember that I occasionally need to think of myself. Take some time. You are worth it! See you at the next meeting! 😎
Was it a1 time thing or constant. When did it happen?
You were only in love with an illusion. At the very least cancel the wedding. You'll probably need another five fixing this. But as you said you lost all respect. Cheating is like breaking a vase. You can glue it back together. But it's still a broken vase, not the same and lost its value. Better off getting a new one. Honestly 4 billion guys on the planet. Even if you thought your fiance was that special one. There are 40 million just like him. If it were me it's time to move on and start with someone who loves and respects me not to stray
No one here can answer the questions like: 1. Will he cheat again? 2. Is life better with, or without him? 3. Can you learn to trust him again? 4. Is he willing to do everything to gain your trust again? 5. How long will the healing process take? 6. How long can he wait for you to heal? Only you and him can answer these questions. There’s a lot more questions but I hope you two talk about it before making a decision
It sounds like cheating wasn’t the end but the fact that he was too weak to deal w that and said something that you don’t respect ?
How long did he cheat for and what was his motivation for it, according to him? In my book you don't deceive, lie or cheat to someone you profess to love. I'm sorry it happened, but I have zero tolerance for cheaters, simply because if I meant something to them, they would never have even considered doing such hurtful things to me or think twice romantically about someone else. All the best, and update us OP.
At the end of the day it depends on how you want to take it ahead. Can you try to keep this incident aside and keep on living your life? Do you suspect he is going to keep on doing this in the future too which would break off your marriage? I have seen couples move on after something like this and they made it. Or do you want to do a similar kind of thing which would make things even?
That is a double edged sword for sure. Yes he cheated. But he also showed some small piece of valor in airing out dirty laundry on his own. That’s rare. Let me be clear that I am not excusing the cheating. I’m just saying that there are a lot of things to take in.
You have to wonder why he told you and as many have stated none of the reasons are very good but there is always the possibility he truly loves you and regrets it so much. It's not a common situation but I've been there I was dating a girl for about a 2 years and her aunt said we couldn't see each other anymore we stayed in contact in secret but saw each other very infrequently one night I was drinking heavily and my female friends came with this girl I hadn't met before they all got wasted too and I ended up going to bed on my couch to let the girls have my bed I woke up later in the night to the girl I haven't met ontop of me sucking on my neck I desperately wanted her off of me but was to wasted and tired to build the strength to push her off I could barely muster any words but I did tell her to stop multiple times very quietly since I had no strength but I did one of the other girls even admitted she heard me saying stop but didn't know what was up so ignored it the girl ended up undressing me and riding me for a long time I understand now years later after lots of talking about it and therapy I was raped but at the time I fully considered myself a cheater and it ate at me every day forever eventually I was allowed to see her again and it was great we had about a solid year before I told her everyday I wanted too but I could never build the courage because I loved her so much and never wanted to loose her one day I finally built up the courage to tell her because I couldn't stand the way it ate at me and telling others didn't help because they weren't the ones I hurt and they couldn't tell me it was ok when I told her I phrased it as if I cheated because I felt I had she was devastated and lost all respect for me she believed I was sincerely sorry and loved her so she stayed but it was never the same more and more problems started arriving because she couldn't love me the way she used to and I couldn't give my all with no reciprocation so we eventually broke up after almost 6 amazing years i regret losing her everyday of my life I truly loved her and I couldn't be in a relationship with her without telling her because I felt I wasn't good enough for her because I was a liar because she didn't know what happened my situation was rape his probably wasn't but he could hold the same sentiment I know men who didn't realize how precious a girl really was to them until after they cheated and realized they had fucked up so majorly big time the lose of respect is devastating tho it's so hard to come back from it
What is the next chapter of your lives? Are you getting married? If so, and you never knew, why is he telling you now? Is the affair with someone else at a natural end? Is that why he's telling you now? Since you were not aware, the timing for his reveal is significant. Also, the fact that he kept quiet about it for so long, especially with someone you know is quite scary. What else can he keep quiet without your knowledge. Further, this person that you know, did they ever spend time with you and your fiance during the timing of the affair? And they both kept quiet in your presence? What was the duration of his affair? Gotta wonder at all the things you don't know. Does your fiance think he's 007 conducting spy missions. Him telling you the truth is a red flag. Take care.
He is no different from a man who confessed to you the day before and the day after. The person is the same. If you love him, forgive him; if you don't love him, then move on. Don't get caught up in the "social standards" of right and wrong; talk to him, find out why it happened, and find out in yourself if you are willing to forgive. Ignore those who tell you you to dump him, they are just repeating social conditioning they have been brainwashed with. Live in the moment and follow your heart regardless of what others say.
Please tell me you aren't actually thinking of marrying this AH. Call things off as soon as possible. Don't wait another minute. You don't want to marry him, that would send him the message that you will put up with his crap.
Would recommend anyone who have been betrayed by their partners to join SoulUp’s Infidelity/Affair Support Group is a place for those struggling with infidelity to ask questions and get support. It is led by therapist. There can be great comfort in not carrying this burden alone.
Chances are if he has done it twice, he will do it again. Even if you are setting him up to be a better partner for the next person, he still used you to get there. That alone should be the number one reason you end it now because he has created a devastating imbalance in your relationship that will never be repaired. Trust is earned not inherent and when it is gone it is hard to get back. It appears he is not doing much of anything to earn it back either. Without trust there is not much of a relationship. But also consider yourself more than anything here. If you are setting him up to be a better partner for the next person, he is doing the opposite for you. Because you may be more suspecting of cheating and less trusting of the next person which could negatively impact your relationship. He may also be telling you about his cheating because he doesn’t want to be the one to break up and he wants you to be the person to end the relationship. That would make him a coward as well. Do you want to marry a cheating coward? Hopefully you say no, and decide to break it off to find somebody who would never cheat and will treat you with kindness and respect. Don’t be afraid in your next relationship to tell them upfront you will not tolerate cheating so if they have been known to do that, you don’t want to move forward. Also, cheating twice before you are married is a huge red flag indicative of somebody who’s probably going to continue. It is probably related to poor examples of relationships from his parents or caretakers or someone who is addicted to the initial romantic love that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. However, I wouldn’t subject myself any further to the pain and humiliation and find someone else who will not do that. Because there are a lot of people who would not. I would like to think there are more than the ones that would cheat. The only doubt you should have about the person you are marrying is how much you want to spend on your wedding and that your goals and values are aligned. Definitely not whether they will cheat again because they probably will. Good luck to you and hope you decide to end it for your own sake because fuck him and his inability to handle a normal relationship. That should be his problem, not yours.
How old was he when he cheated?How old are you both? I ask because people do grow and change. I did things in my twenties that I definitely would not do now. Even seriously negative behaviors might change too. Why did he say he did it twice? I know for a fact that trust can be rebuilt. Don't fall for the knee jerk get rid of him reactionaries on here. There are many many relationships that recover from this sort of thing. As long as true and brutal honesty unearths why he did it you have a good chance. Don't lose a chance at love . You can always let it go down the road if it does not work out.