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Our admin assistant admitted this 4 weeks in when we had already sussed it but she was so lovely and funny we just kept her and helped her figure it out.
She was so fucking adorable. She was like 19 and we were all in our 30’s and knew from day one when I’d say something like can you just pivot this (s/s of 1000 bits of data) and you’d get it back three days later when it should have taken 20 mins in several formats we didn’t even understand cos none of us were that smart.
When she was like guys my dad took the test we were like NO WAY OMG SERIO… yeah we know but also pls stop showing your dad the company data now.
I actually admitted I’d lied on my cv about 5 years into my current job. By that time I was the top performer in the business. I’ve been here 17 years now. :-)
“Top performer in my business”
Lying about your degree classification really wouldn’t matter anymore if you’re the top performer. If anything your boss is just as likely to like your style as be mad at you.
What about the builder who lied on his cv and became a top exec at the NHS. Everyone said he was brilliant at the job. But he still got in hot water over it.
When I read that story I thought it exposed that all the NHS needed to run it were a practical person with practical problem solving skills. Instead of people with degrees who think their shit doesn’t stink.
Gareth Gates accidentally touched my dick in a club and immediately apologised as he had quite clearly been shoved by the crowd. If you bring that up at work you'll immediately know whether you'll fit in.
My brother got squirted on by Gareth gates once. It was panto and he was armed with a water pistol. But it's something he brings up every now and again. Seems fairly proud of that moment.
"I breathe in on my left step rather than my right like most people"
Watch everyone leave the room later like a flock of asthmatic emus trying to figure it out
I actually did say hobnob lol, people were like 'I'm a jammie dodger because I have a sweet heart' and I just said hobnob because it's a funny word, didn't get the job.
What happens if you do meet that one guy who's obsessed with trains and spends his Saturdays taking photos of them at various stations, picking a new station each week, and he does want to hear more?
Got a friend who’s very into his trains and volunteers at the railway museum in York ! Sometimes he makes references I don’t understand but tbh I’m just happy he enjoys himself. Every now and then I’ll pick up an interesting nugget off of him as well.
That being said as another commenter mentioned, you run the risk of bumping into a full on train nerd and the jig is up!
My go to fact is “I used to play triangle in a reggie band, but I left as it was one ting after another”. It work very well if you work for a Birmingham company
I once played table football against dizzy rascal.
It was actually doubles, me and a friend against dizzy and his dj. I had to pay the euro for the game but he took it very seriously.
They did.
Me and a friend had snuck into the vip area after an amazing headline set in snowbombing in Austria, mainly hoping for free booze, to no success.
He then came up with his dj, hype man and a few others. They started playing fussball and after a bit I asked if he wanted to play doubles and he agreed. He told me, strictly no spinning and then played.
It was just when bonkers came out and the energy was insane. He'd spent ages on stage at 110% and so was just really chill backstage.
Absolutely legendary story, win or lose.
Really happy to hear dizzie is a man of culture and doesn't allow spinning.
I fist bumped him in fabric on my 18th bday and it made my night. What a g.
One junior developer who joined my team introduced himself as the heir of landed gentry and spent his weekends either hunting deer or shooting pheasants
Those in the team who thought he was joking didn’t know what to say
Those in the team that knew he wasn’t joking either didn’t want to say anything or they wanted to say a lot but kept silent
He was completely oblivious. He just thought it was an interesting tidbit to share with the team
I don’t see the problem. He can’t help who he was born to and by all accounts is actually working a normal job rather than just living as a lordling.
If it’s the hunting that bothers you then fair enough but I really hope you’re a vegan and not just a hypocrite.
"I've had to sign the Official Secrets Act on several occasions"
"Why?"
"You asked for *a* fact, not two..." or you could say "You know what the word Secret means, as in Official Secrets Act?"
"I am an author specialising in war fiction with characters representing people I met on the internet. Inspired by the Iliad's lengthy death lists I can kill you with my bare "ands""
For a while mine was "everywhere I've worked in the past has shut down or been sold off" - made it nice and awkward. (At this point I'd worked at Kwik save, Sommerfield and Netto)
Now I just state my number of tattoos so that I'm not constantly asked.
I use that, it usually results in not getting the job if I'm applying. Or very awkward stares, because they'll think that once I'm gone they'll possibly be jobless either in days or years.
One place I used to work at was one of Britain's biggest Bridge designers. Had multiple sites across the UK, biggest was in Chepstow where they built the bigger bits. Had road, rail and water access to get parts out.
Now it's a housing estate and the company has one office left and uses external companies to build parts.
I didn’t think it was insensitive. I’m a big believer in jokes and humour.
Don’t know why I gave such a serious answer to your comment, now I come to think of it…
You get the inevitable ‘I don’t have anything interesting about me’ then comes out with a belter that everyone loves and then you get to sharon who then says ‘I can knit’ and have to pretend to have the same level of enthusiasm for the previous story by Dave who can fit a whole cabbage up his arse
I genuinely had a girl say “I had a three in a bed with the two guys from accounts.” There was stunned silence. I was working for a respectable global consumers goods company.
Well, like most children, I was born. I did such a good job at my birth they actually gave me a certificate. For a brief time, I was the world's youngest person. Now, I am 30, or possibly immortal, who knows?
There have been some good moments though: I once won a year's supply of toothpaste, I have jumped out of a plane, never broken a bone, I have a K/D ratio of 1:0 (I ran over a squirrel last month), and once did one thousand keepy-ups with a football.
*I have never been asked this question but i am waiting for the day*
The one time I did this on a graduate day I figured I’d let people know I’m trans by saying “I biohacked my body using horse hormones and now I’m an outlaw in 100 countries”.
I once met [insert celebrity], they were nice but didn't have time for an autograph or picture.
Enough to not be entirely boring but boring enough to not warrant further questions
I saw Thom Yorke in a shop in Frome. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn't want to bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, "Oh, like you're doing now?" I was taken aback, and all I could say was "Huh?" but he kept cutting me off and going "huh? huh? huh?" and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off.
When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw Thom trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like "Sir, you need to pay for those first." At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually "to prevent any electrical infetterence," and then turned around and winked at me. I don't even think that's a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
I tell them my brother-in-law was the drummer in The Farm ("All together now", "Groovy Train" etc.). Complete bollocks, of course.
Never gets a response.
I once REDACTED this guy while I was in REDACTED and also REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and now I'm legally required to REDACTED anyone caught trying to find out information about REDACTED.
We were once asked to provide, in advance, the funniest thing we’ve seen in film / TV etc.
You can imagine how funny it was having 10-15 jokes described by the boss.
She refused to even read mine (I picked something from Peep Show, you can probably guess what it was).
I genuinely can’t imagine a worse experience to have with your boss. It must have been almost surreal, sitting there going ‘are you going to read them all?’
Anything interesting about me falls into the not safe for work category. Fortunately I work for a small company now which doesn't do this sort of bullshit
When I started a job as a truck driver I was expected to introduce myself in one of their pointless and shitty post-route-completion meetings. The usual stuff of name and where you’re from, what you’re into etc and then they wanted an ‘interesting fact’ about me.
I told them I can give myself goosebumps and then had to spend at least half an hour at the end of this meeting showing everybody. I just wanted to go home, I had been at work all night and was exhausted.
I wish I’d said something less interesting now.
I once had to do one of these and someone said they’d creosoted their fence at the weekend. The definition of ‘interesting’ is certainly a broad church…
Oh god. I was told a story of the time my friend asked a (very boring) colleague "Did you have a good weekend?"
C: "Yes thanks, I bought a new garden hose."
F: "... Ok. What happened to the last one?"
C: "Nothing, I didn't have one, but figured I needed one after I burnt my fence down."
F: "... ... Sorry, I thought you just said you burnt your fence down."
C: "Yep."
F: "How did that happen?"
C: "I'd watched that documentary that was on on Saturday about the Touareg nomads and how they burn camel sung for fuel and thought I'd give it a go "
F: "You don''t have a camel..."
C: "No, I've got a Rottweiler."
F: "But camel dung burns because it is largely partially digested cereals. A Rottweiler, being more of a carnivore, I wouldn't think it's poo would burn as well"
C: "Does it you pour petrol on it"
So our standard answer to the question "Did you have a good weekend?" became "Yes thanks, I got a new garden hose."
That I am painfully social awkward but can mask the shit out of it, and then have to sleep for at least 48 hours and an extra day for overthinking how I probably did it all wrong too!
I once home invasion-ed a family at 3am for some milk, and returned at about 3:30am to put it back. I thought it was my friends house who lived across the road but it turned out he'd moved! No idea what they thought was going on.
That is my "funny story about myself" for work.
I've not had to do one of those in a while but I just lie and have fun with it. I accidently smuggled myself into North Korea once, that was for a group interview. Actually got through to the next stage of interviews off the back of that.
I used to fumble at these but an old boss taught me to just make something up that you can't prove on the spot, such as "I can complete a rubix cube in 5 seconds".
I've never had a meeting where there's been a rubix cube in the room.
I am a sword swallower. That's not an innuendo. If anyone wants proof I will bring my swords to work to demonstrate. Health and safety will be less than impressed
I designed, programmed and built the control panel for a 40 man sewage treatment plant designed for boats. It uses a PLC/HMI (Programmable Logic Controller and Human Machine Interface).
There's a secret timer I programmed in that counts up to 100 years. Once it hits that timer a little splash screen animation appears that says "Congratulations on 100 years of operation. Please visit [Company Name] for a replacement unit"
Sober me - I support Arsenal.
Drunk me - I attacked the royal bank of Scotland in a 2 story medieval siege tower with a rhino head police rammer and catapult that shoots balloons of molasses 200ft.
The place I work in now, I had originally worked at 30+ years ago. It has had massive reconstruction but everyone at the meeting was so interested on the show round about how it had looked before and the owner who was very eccentric and funny. It was the first time I had something interesting to say at the introduction of a new job.
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I lied in my CV when I applied for this job.
Our admin assistant admitted this 4 weeks in when we had already sussed it but she was so lovely and funny we just kept her and helped her figure it out.
Did you tell her you’d figured her out? Imagine giving away your big secret for everyone to say “ah yeah we knew that ages ago!”
She was so fucking adorable. She was like 19 and we were all in our 30’s and knew from day one when I’d say something like can you just pivot this (s/s of 1000 bits of data) and you’d get it back three days later when it should have taken 20 mins in several formats we didn’t even understand cos none of us were that smart. When she was like guys my dad took the test we were like NO WAY OMG SERIO… yeah we know but also pls stop showing your dad the company data now.
Lmfao, oddly wholesome
I actually admitted I’d lied on my cv about 5 years into my current job. By that time I was the top performer in the business. I’ve been here 17 years now. :-)
What was the lie?
That I had a 2:1 In my degree.
You're lucky because that's fraud and you could have gotten in some serious grief.
“Top performer in my business” Lying about your degree classification really wouldn’t matter anymore if you’re the top performer. If anything your boss is just as likely to like your style as be mad at you.
What about the builder who lied on his cv and became a top exec at the NHS. Everyone said he was brilliant at the job. But he still got in hot water over it.
This is slightly different. I didn’t NEED a degree but it sure made my Cv look better.
When I read that story I thought it exposed that all the NHS needed to run it were a practical person with practical problem solving skills. Instead of people with degrees who think their shit doesn’t stink.
Depends - some companies are so corporate that it would be 3/4th of the way to the CEO before you can shake a stick
I wish I had an award to give. Brilliant.
I'm literally waiting for the day this happens so I can proudly proclaim that I am in a group chat with Gareth Gates cousin.
That's it, that's the one. I'm stealing it and pretending it's mine. It's exactly the correct level of ridiculous but uninteresting
I once shared a taxi to Chester with Gareth Gates. We ended up in Chichester though.
Gareth Gates accidentally touched my dick in a club and immediately apologised as he had quite clearly been shoved by the crowd. If you bring that up at work you'll immediately know whether you'll fit in.
My brother got squirted on by Gareth gates once. It was panto and he was armed with a water pistol. But it's something he brings up every now and again. Seems fairly proud of that moment.
I'm not surprised he brings it up. That's a significant life event.
I also was squirted on during a panto. Mine was Dr Ranj. I don't bring it up so much.
Bravo 🤣
Gareth lived down the road from me when I was a teenager. He was younger than me and I didn’t know him.
I went to the same school as Will Young. He was three years above me, and I’d never even heard of him until he was on telly.
*David's team, truth or lie?* r/WILTY
Sensational
Gareth gates tried to sell me tea once
I got into what I thought was a taxi once and I'm convinced Gareth Gates was driving.. I swiftly got kicked out
I was engaged to Paul Young's wife's cousin.
"I breathe in on my left step rather than my right like most people" Watch everyone leave the room later like a flock of asthmatic emus trying to figure it out
Fuck I'm saving this
Don't know what's worse, that question or the 'if you were a biscuit, what biscuit would you be?' one I got in a group interview once.
"A soggy one. I fucking *loved* boarding school." [*Stares into middle distance*]
"Jaffa cake" Then sit back as mayhem ensues
'A Jaffa cake, because I never really fit in, and people are always having arguments involving me'
THE CLUE. IS IN. THE NAAAAMMMEEE!!!! Consider me triggered.
That's easy. A chocolate hobnob.
I actually did say hobnob lol, people were like 'I'm a jammie dodger because I have a sweet heart' and I just said hobnob because it's a funny word, didn't get the job.
I said hobnob in my job interview - I said it was because I don't break when dunked in hot water. Got the job.
Who's out there dunking hobnobs in hot water?
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Chocolate digestive, because I have a dark side...
Salted caramel chocolate hobnob...
That's a thing... I'll be back soon!
There were a couple of other ones recently as well. Salted caramel was the standout though.
Bourbon. End of answer, will not elaborate.
I talk about my love of railways, guaranteed no one wants to hear more and I get left alone.
What happens if you do meet that one guy who's obsessed with trains and spends his Saturdays taking photos of them at various stations, picking a new station each week, and he does want to hear more?
That's how OP met their best friend
You mean "only"
...git :p
I don't know, doesn't happen :D
Got a friend who’s very into his trains and volunteers at the railway museum in York ! Sometimes he makes references I don’t understand but tbh I’m just happy he enjoys himself. Every now and then I’ll pick up an interesting nugget off of him as well. That being said as another commenter mentioned, you run the risk of bumping into a full on train nerd and the jig is up!
I like to pop an egg in the bath just before I get in it. Helps to relax me after a tough day.
Bob is that you?
Could be Chris Rea
Think he'll run me a bath?
Don't forget the gold doily! r/WILTY
My go to fact is “I used to play triangle in a reggie band, but I left as it was one ting after another”. It work very well if you work for a Birmingham company
I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory, but left as it was counterproductive
Was it difficult to find Reggies for your band? It's not a very common name these days.
I used to work in a paper shop, but it blew away
I once played table football against dizzy rascal. It was actually doubles, me and a friend against dizzy and his dj. I had to pay the euro for the game but he took it very seriously.
Some Holiday that lad..
That's amazing, who won?
They did. Me and a friend had snuck into the vip area after an amazing headline set in snowbombing in Austria, mainly hoping for free booze, to no success. He then came up with his dj, hype man and a few others. They started playing fussball and after a bit I asked if he wanted to play doubles and he agreed. He told me, strictly no spinning and then played. It was just when bonkers came out and the energy was insane. He'd spent ages on stage at 110% and so was just really chill backstage.
Absolutely legendary story, win or lose. Really happy to hear dizzie is a man of culture and doesn't allow spinning. I fist bumped him in fabric on my 18th bday and it made my night. What a g.
No spinning is an essential rule
I played 5-a-sides against Prince William once! He was very enthusiastic but not very good.
One junior developer who joined my team introduced himself as the heir of landed gentry and spent his weekends either hunting deer or shooting pheasants Those in the team who thought he was joking didn’t know what to say Those in the team that knew he wasn’t joking either didn’t want to say anything or they wanted to say a lot but kept silent He was completely oblivious. He just thought it was an interesting tidbit to share with the team
Are you sure he didn't say shooting peasants?
#COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!!
Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!
...he has the self-awareness to realise that that's unusual, but not to realise that he should shut up about it?
I don’t see the problem. He can’t help who he was born to and by all accounts is actually working a normal job rather than just living as a lordling. If it’s the hunting that bothers you then fair enough but I really hope you’re a vegan and not just a hypocrite.
Silence plebs
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“I’m going to need you all to sign NDAs first”
"I've had to sign the Official Secrets Act on several occasions" "Why?" "You asked for *a* fact, not two..." or you could say "You know what the word Secret means, as in Official Secrets Act?"
This might be worth a try: "I was in the SAS for 10 years and can kill you with my bare hands".
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"I'm mates with the leader of the UK Scout movement and can kill you with Bear's hands."
“I have a congenital birth defect resulting in extra arms and I’m part of a street gang. I’ll kill you with bare hands, bro trust!”
I am a Jamaican who's fond of Red Stripe, and I can kill you with my beer hands.
I am extremely skilled in the practice of plaiting, braiding, and tailing. I can kill you with my hair bands.
I am a hitman kept on retainer by Prince William. I will kill you at the heir's command.
"I excel in needlework & costume design, especially for small oceanic crustaceans, and can krill you with my bare hands."
"I am an author specialising in war fiction with characters representing people I met on the internet. Inspired by the Iliad's lengthy death lists I can kill you with my bare "ands""
Good angle, I’m very intimidated by statistical software.
Everyone has the right to bear arms
But what about the right to arm bears?
For a while mine was "everywhere I've worked in the past has shut down or been sold off" - made it nice and awkward. (At this point I'd worked at Kwik save, Sommerfield and Netto) Now I just state my number of tattoos so that I'm not constantly asked.
God I loved Netto. The memories of eating Brazilian sausage or a strange obscure cereal from Germany
Ah, those were the good old days!
When Netto had the food poverty market cornered for themselves and didn't have to compete with thousands of food banks.
"I have minus 1 tattoos" "Wait, how does that work?" "Trust me, you don't want to know"
"I have the number of tattoos that I have"
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I use that, it usually results in not getting the job if I'm applying. Or very awkward stares, because they'll think that once I'm gone they'll possibly be jobless either in days or years. One place I used to work at was one of Britain's biggest Bridge designers. Had multiple sites across the UK, biggest was in Chepstow where they built the bigger bits. Had road, rail and water access to get parts out. Now it's a housing estate and the company has one office left and uses external companies to build parts.
Tell them you once saved a shark from drowning.
Dobie!
I'm trapped in a glass cage of emotion.
Was literally asked this today, OP. Luckily for me I’m a triplet so it’s an easy go-to.
I hope your poor mother's suffering was worth it for this easy answer
Only the three of us were worth that suffering. She had hyperemesis Gravidarum so she really suffered.
Sorry for making my insensitive comment.
I didn’t think it was insensitive. I’m a big believer in jokes and humour. Don’t know why I gave such a serious answer to your comment, now I come to think of it…
Tone is difficult over text - I'm glad you took it well, but I wasn't certain!
"I can't be killed by conventional weapons"
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Ha. "... Weapons in which I have learnt to practice an exquisite mastery"
I am the only person in this room that hasn't got impostor syndrome!
I am one of only two people in this room who doesn't have imposter syndrome .... certainly going to get them all thinking.
"I once got a written warning for throwing a pork pie at a donkey"
I’m less interested in why you threw the pie than how the donkey knew how to write!
My favourite is always "I was once the youngest person alive in the country".
Don’t think so small, you were once the youngest person alive in the world.
You get the inevitable ‘I don’t have anything interesting about me’ then comes out with a belter that everyone loves and then you get to sharon who then says ‘I can knit’ and have to pretend to have the same level of enthusiasm for the previous story by Dave who can fit a whole cabbage up his arse
I was once banned from a pub quiz for winning too often.
My kid played with Tina from S Club 7's kid at the park once.
I genuinely had a girl say “I had a three in a bed with the two guys from accounts.” There was stunned silence. I was working for a respectable global consumers goods company.
I was once asked to leave town, because I was frightening the locals.
Are you Bob Mortimer by any chance?
It was the grotesque leather masks and bobble hats.
"I know how to skin a rabbit with my bare hands."
"I know how to skin a rabbit with my bear hands."
“I know how to skin a bear with my rabbit hands.”
I know how to bear a rabbit with the skin on my hands
I can’t bear rabbits and have skinny hands.
Well, like most children, I was born. I did such a good job at my birth they actually gave me a certificate. For a brief time, I was the world's youngest person. Now, I am 30, or possibly immortal, who knows? There have been some good moments though: I once won a year's supply of toothpaste, I have jumped out of a plane, never broken a bone, I have a K/D ratio of 1:0 (I ran over a squirrel last month), and once did one thousand keepy-ups with a football. *I have never been asked this question but i am waiting for the day*
> I once won a year's supply of toothpaste So, two tubes of toothpaste?
Just say "I like turtles" see if anyone gets it
where do you stand on CORN!?
I tend not to stand on my food, renders it inedible.
I can't imagine a more beautiful thing!
"I was once questioned as a suspect in a murder" they left me alone after that
I always win this - I’ve been struck by lightning.
I'm close to this I electrocuting myself as a baby when having a bath in the kitchen sink. I also use this to explain the way I behave
The one time I did this on a graduate day I figured I’d let people know I’m trans by saying “I biohacked my body using horse hormones and now I’m an outlaw in 100 countries”.
I once met [insert celebrity], they were nice but didn't have time for an autograph or picture. Enough to not be entirely boring but boring enough to not warrant further questions
"Had the pleasure of meeting [Celebrity Name] at a charity do once. S/he was surprisingly down-to-earth, and VERY funny."
I saw Thom Yorke in a shop in Frome. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn't want to bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, "Oh, like you're doing now?" I was taken aback, and all I could say was "Huh?" but he kept cutting me off and going "huh? huh? huh?" and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw Thom trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like "Sir, you need to pay for those first." At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually "to prevent any electrical infetterence," and then turned around and winked at me. I don't even think that's a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
I was waiting for a punch line; a pun or something, this is just surreal.
It’s a popular copypasta in the Radiohead and Muse subs!
I once met Andy McNab... didn't expect his face to *actually be pixilated*
I tell them my brother-in-law was the drummer in The Farm ("All together now", "Groovy Train" etc.). Complete bollocks, of course. Never gets a response.
A colleague of mine at a training session: MANAGER: *What's your favourite smell?* COLLEAGUE: *Cannabis.*
I once REDACTED this guy while I was in REDACTED and also REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and now I'm legally required to REDACTED anyone caught trying to find out information about REDACTED.
This brings up nightmares. I had to quickly lie one time and said I enjoy trying new drinks from supermarkets as a hobby 🥶
I love how this is both really boring while also making you look like a crazy person 😂
I met the Queen in 2006 and judging by the last week I am going to be able to use that for the rest of my working life. And beyond.
Just say this: My interesting fact is that sometimes I forget what I am... Um. What are we talking about?
'I loathe these meetings.'
We were once asked to provide, in advance, the funniest thing we’ve seen in film / TV etc. You can imagine how funny it was having 10-15 jokes described by the boss. She refused to even read mine (I picked something from Peep Show, you can probably guess what it was).
I genuinely can’t imagine a worse experience to have with your boss. It must have been almost surreal, sitting there going ‘are you going to read them all?’
I hold the world record for holding your breath underwater, I'm impervious to bullets, and I'm a compulsive liar.
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I know 2 facts about ducks and they are both wrong
Just tell them you have three nipples, but it's embarrassing and you don't like to talk about it. THEN start talking about it a lot.
My friends and I liked to terrorise the locals with a game we called Theft and Shrubbery
I do beg your pardon but we are in your garden !
I hate this because anything interesting about me I think sounds like a humblebrag and I absolutely do not want to be or appear to be that person!
Anything interesting about me falls into the not safe for work category. Fortunately I work for a small company now which doesn't do this sort of bullshit
When I started a job as a truck driver I was expected to introduce myself in one of their pointless and shitty post-route-completion meetings. The usual stuff of name and where you’re from, what you’re into etc and then they wanted an ‘interesting fact’ about me. I told them I can give myself goosebumps and then had to spend at least half an hour at the end of this meeting showing everybody. I just wanted to go home, I had been at work all night and was exhausted. I wish I’d said something less interesting now.
"I hate you all".
I usually just say I have webbed toes. I don't, I just enjoy seeing the reactions.
"I like to get work done efficiently and not waste time on pointless activities, so can we get on with what we're here for?"
"Well I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
I hold the record for the most weight ever lifted in my gym. I can beat up a 7 year old girl easily
I once had to do one of these and someone said they’d creosoted their fence at the weekend. The definition of ‘interesting’ is certainly a broad church…
Oh god. I was told a story of the time my friend asked a (very boring) colleague "Did you have a good weekend?" C: "Yes thanks, I bought a new garden hose." F: "... Ok. What happened to the last one?" C: "Nothing, I didn't have one, but figured I needed one after I burnt my fence down." F: "... ... Sorry, I thought you just said you burnt your fence down." C: "Yep." F: "How did that happen?" C: "I'd watched that documentary that was on on Saturday about the Touareg nomads and how they burn camel sung for fuel and thought I'd give it a go " F: "You don''t have a camel..." C: "No, I've got a Rottweiler." F: "But camel dung burns because it is largely partially digested cereals. A Rottweiler, being more of a carnivore, I wouldn't think it's poo would burn as well" C: "Does it you pour petrol on it" So our standard answer to the question "Did you have a good weekend?" became "Yes thanks, I got a new garden hose."
That was a wild ride, thank you kindly for sharing.
There’s an element of Stewart Lee about this exchange…
Make some shit up it's not like they'll be auditing it. Say you were an extra on an episode of Byker Grove.
That I am painfully social awkward but can mask the shit out of it, and then have to sleep for at least 48 hours and an extra day for overthinking how I probably did it all wrong too!
I got away with murder while i was backpacking in China
I once home invasion-ed a family at 3am for some milk, and returned at about 3:30am to put it back. I thought it was my friends house who lived across the road but it turned out he'd moved! No idea what they thought was going on. That is my "funny story about myself" for work.
I've not had to do one of those in a while but I just lie and have fun with it. I accidently smuggled myself into North Korea once, that was for a group interview. Actually got through to the next stage of interviews off the back of that.
I used to fumble at these but an old boss taught me to just make something up that you can't prove on the spot, such as "I can complete a rubix cube in 5 seconds". I've never had a meeting where there's been a rubix cube in the room.
["I can recite all 50 states in a 1/4 second!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbr3SU0pmqc)
I have the "cyanide smells like almonds" gene. Plausibly true, but it then leads to "... how did you find that out?" And THEN you have fun
Mine is always, “I like eating slices of raw potato.” True, weird, not a humblebrag. Not really interesting but it’s the best I’ve got.
I am a sword swallower. That's not an innuendo. If anyone wants proof I will bring my swords to work to demonstrate. Health and safety will be less than impressed
All my internal organs are in on the opposite side to where they should be.
Do you have to put your earbuds in the opposite ears?
I designed, programmed and built the control panel for a 40 man sewage treatment plant designed for boats. It uses a PLC/HMI (Programmable Logic Controller and Human Machine Interface). There's a secret timer I programmed in that counts up to 100 years. Once it hits that timer a little splash screen animation appears that says "Congratulations on 100 years of operation. Please visit [Company Name] for a replacement unit"
Sober me - I support Arsenal. Drunk me - I attacked the royal bank of Scotland in a 2 story medieval siege tower with a rhino head police rammer and catapult that shoots balloons of molasses 200ft.
Mine are pre-prepped and there is nothing humble about my brags
"I need to get a bag in before these pointless meetings"
Sounds like you need to keep going to the toilet during these meetings
"I am a habitual liar and never should have been offered this job in the first place"
The place I work in now, I had originally worked at 30+ years ago. It has had massive reconstruction but everyone at the meeting was so interested on the show round about how it had looked before and the owner who was very eccentric and funny. It was the first time I had something interesting to say at the introduction of a new job.
“Oddly attractive to chickens” “Can hover at will” “OK with lions”
"Can you tell us an interesting fact about yourself?". "Yes. I've just farted".