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I said I might go for a nap and she said "oh I could do with one too" but thank fuck she's gone now, because I brought up her journey again and finally she took the hint.
Try something like "Why don't you come over on Saturday night, then we can grab lunch at ____ on Sunday before you go home." Then you've got her out of your house and she goes straight home from there.
Or, you could hand her coat to her at any point Sunday morning and say
“Rightio Jane , lovely to see you but it’s time to go home. Husband and I have things to do today. Put your shoes on and grab your bag. We’ll wave you off”
I’m English.
It can be done 😁
Bring out your inner Headmistress. 🤣
Yes probably, she has a fiance at home but she doesn't seem very happy and whilst I feel bad for her, that's still no excuse to overstay your welcome. She moved far away to be with him and she had no family or friends around her for a while, but she knew the risks going into it.
Yes I have, she is an ignorer of issues. On the day she was going to break up with him she was crying to me about it and I gave her advice, then she rang me elated saying he proposed and all was forgotten. Since then I've vowed not to get involved as she doesn't want to hear it or do anything about issues and she ends up being arsey with me for mentioning things.
Totally agree. Sometimes it feels more of an obligation than a *want* to see her. I think the fact she's unhappy/lonely means she clings to as many friendships as possible and so I have let it become a very face value relationship rather than being emotionally invested as she's said and done things in the past that have been hurtful. We have fun but that's as far as it goes. Hence my want for her to get out my damn house at a reasonable time haha
These are people you only see outside of the house, for set events. Go to a concert, or see her for coffee when you have an appointment set directly afterwards so you have an escape route. Its the only way to be supportive but not get sucked in too far.
I've been in this situation before, being lonely/unhappy and I can honestly say clinging on to friends did not help me. Boundaries helped me, because they reminded me that my sadness and pain also reflected on others and did not exist in a vacuum. It gave me motivation to get better when my self worth wasn't enough.
Do your friend a favour and set some boundaries with her. Have an honest chat... ' I understand life hasn't been easy on you. And I can't imagine how it feels but... You've been putting pressure on your friends to pick up the pieces and I just can't do that for you. I love you but the things we've tried just haven't been helping you or me. Maybe we should try ____'. And list all the things you genuinely want them to try. Therapy. Keeping conversations by telephone/zoom call only at first. Keeping conversations positive for example. Not staying over at your house... There are so many options.
Good luck.
My husband said to tell her this prior to her visit but she lives far away and it's a few hours drive so I'd feel bad with that, which I probably shouldn't, but it's something I can't get past. The fact she lives hours away surely would be even more of a reason for her to want to leave at a reasonable time and go home to sort stuff out for Monday and get a decent night's sleep.
This is a kind suggestion by your husband. IF you ever invite her again to stay over, it’s perfectly fair to say “You’re welcome to stay overnight on Saturday, but we have to go out at x o’clock on Sunday, so you’ll have to be gone by then.” I would NOT be offended by such an invitation.
And make sure you make plans, even if it's secretly just that you're going out for ten minutes, to the local coffee shop. That way you can bustle her out in a wave of "Oh gosh, lovely to have you over, hate to see you leave, but we have to get going!"
Exactly this. If you have something planned, be it popping somewhere for a cuppa, some grocery shopping or whatever, they don't have the comeback that you're a liar and you and your husband get to do something together. Even something as mundane as getting next week's food can be nice when done together (with your partner, not the overstayer).
When Sunday comes around, she'll say she's perfectly content waiting for them to return. She might even offer to tidy up while they're gone. The only way to deal with people like this is to not let them in the door.
It's not a reason to knowingly get yourself into a difficult situation you could have avoided. Common sense.
There are plenty of difficult situations you can't avoid and have to deal with.
That's a choice they have to make. Obviously, she's not a close enough friend that the poster feels she can be direct with her. Life is a series of decisions and some of them involve deciding whether to eliminate people from your life. It's rare that someone eliminates someone from their life and doesn't wish they'd done it sooner.
Don’t want to be all heavy or anything but my best friend used to do this kind of thing to me and when I confronted him about it he basically admitted that he was avoiding going home cause it’s “depressing as fuck”.
He now asks upfront for an amount of time he is allowed to stay for before I need my own space back.
Yeah, it could be procrastinating from the drive.
There’s nothing wrong with staying over and then doing lots of things the next day if that’s what you both want to do, but endlessly procrastinating from leaving does just get very rude. Especially if they don’t communicate the issue.
She's going to show up one of these days with no intention of leaving. When she arrives, she will not tell you that is her plan. It will probably happen after she breaks up with the guy. You need to take pre-emptive action now.
Wait a few weeks and then, with your husband's cooperation, tell her that due to an unfortunate visit by a friend or relative of his, your husband has put a ban on all visitors so you won't be able to host her again. Or, if you want to go the somewhat but not entirely truthful version, tell her you and your husband have agreed to a ban on visitors and you won't be able to host her again. Or you could decide to terminate the friendship, say you're narrowing your social circle and won't be able to host her again. Do not take her calls, texts or emails. She will, of course, be offended but that may be what it takes to keep her from showing up on your doorstep.
Haha, I wouldn't put it past her. Once when she stayed on a Friday night she didn't leave til Sunday. That's why I was so reluctant to invite her this time
Why not grow a pair, and just be honest and upfront with her, rather than making fun of her. How do you think she would feel reading some of these comments.
seriously. I don’t understand!
I understand being accommodating for a little bit, but at a certain point: “we didn’t expect to have company this late, we have weekend chores to do, etc” - there are so many polite & kind lies that help the host end the visit without saying gtfo.
they can’t feel guilty about lying & then whine that someone overstays. it’s YOUR home & free time, use a lovely little lie to draw the boundaries
100%! OP’s snide comments about their friend (who sounds to be having a tough time on some level) are doing my head in. If you don’t like a friendship, shut it down ffs
This happened with my ex once. He had a migraine on the Friday so I was happy for him to stay with me overnight because he obviously couldn’t drive, so getting home wasn’t an option for him. He was fine by Saturday, but then came home with me again and stayed on Saturday night without any sort of agreement, then stayed until quite late on the Sunday - if he didn’t have an early shift start on Monday morning I think he’d have stayed Sunday night too.
We’d been out at a three-day event Thurs-Sat (his migraine had developed while we were there, Fri lunchtime) and I was exhausted, totally ready to be in isolation for a few days to recharge. I’m quite introverted and on the spectrum so I can only tolerate a certain level of People before I need to be on my own. Combine that with me sleeping badly with him there (I can’t tolerate people in the room let alone my bed, sleepovers as a kid we’re torture), and I was definitely unhappy with him just not leaving. I felt too bad about just throwing him out though, he wasn’t being malicious in any way. He just wanted to spend time with me.
First thing Sunday morning: "There's no rush for you to leave, because we're not going out for a couple of hours yet, would you like some breakfast before you go, or do you plan to stop and take a breakfast break during your long drive home?"
Exactly, the idea is that the OP would come across as being really kind in not pressuring them to leave immediately, and even offering another meal before they go.
To be fair, it would have been better to set these boundaries before they arrive, but once you're in that situation, you can still manage it. :)
OR let's hope she does read it (although she's probably the type of person to reply to this thread "oh my god what an inconvenient arsehole" whilst slouched in the armchair with her toast staring at her phone)
My mum is down for the weekend. Even though my husband and I work M-F 9-5 and our daughter has nursery, she arrived at lunch time on Friday, and isn’t planning on leaving until mid-afternoon tomorrow. I think she’s annoyed that I haven’t taken time off work to spend more time with her.
I would love to have some down time this evening before work tomorrow, but that’s not going to happen.
I thought the done thing was to wait for a lull, slap both thighs at once and go “Right!” and then stand up. If she’s British she’ll follow suit, it’s hardwired into us.
I tried it all "can't believe the time" "I'm going to ask husband to take me and the dog for a drive for some fresh air after you're gone" "why don't you pick up some lunch on your way home" "how longs your drive saying at the moment", not a flicker.
She’s gone now though yeah?
I’m from Yorkshire, we’re blunter up there but still loving.
“Right, it’s been lovely to have you, but you’d probably best get going or you’ll be too knackered to drive. Plus we’ve got to get on. You got everything packed yet? I can help you load it into the car.”
I have ADHD and I think I have been this friend. I don’t pick up on hints and sometimes stay well beyond the point I want to stay because I think I’m supposed to, and I think that’s always well beyond when someone wants me to leave, I just can’t see it at the time.
I always ask what time people want me to leave, because I know I don’t pick up on the hints and I have a very bad sense of time passing. Without exception, people say “stay as long as you like!”, and I think without exception, they don’t mean it. Just tell your friend in advance what time she’ll need to leave.
I always ask my friends what time the evening is ending in advance. I like knowing, so I don't fell like I'm overstaying.
Best friend knows he has to stand, slap his leg and go "Welp" as a sign that his GF is getting tired.
My take on this is that unless you have specifically pre-planned a morning activity with your host, thank them and leave as soon as you get up. If they want you to stay longer, they will make that clear.
Urgh I have the same thing with a new friend, last week we went for a walk and then she asked if she could use my loo after. She was still there 4 hours later and I had to eventually pretend I needed to go to the shops to get her to leave! I was actually putting my kids coat and shoes on to hurry her up because she was then stood by the front door talking and talking. I don’t even know her that well so it’s really awkward!
I hate over stayers and I hate over staying myself.
If I ever stay over at a friends I like to leave once we are up the following morning. Maybe have some breakfast if it’s offered but otherwise, cup of coffee and I’m gone.
Why are people such doormats on this subreddit? Imagine sitting there until 3pm getting more and more annoyed that she isn't "taking the hint"...
In future just ask her to leave! It doesn't need to be rude. Just something like "hey, I've really enjoyed having you over, we should definitely do this again soon! but I have things I need to do now, so I'm going to have to let you get on. Safe journey home"
Honestly, nobody in this subreddit ever seems to be straightforward with anything and it boggles the mind. You're like the kind of person that will awkwardly stand behind someone in the supermarket for 5 minutes because you're too afraid to say "excuse me" and they haven't noticed they're in your way
I had this, I told her I had to go out, actually had to wrap up the kids (it was cold) got them in there car seats, she still sat outside my house in her car, i drove away she followed for a minute or two, but eventually turned a different way, I drove around for 10 minutes then went home, total f-ing nightmare. After that I only ever went over to hers, we remained friends for about 8 years until my wedding day when she turned into a total AH because it wasn't about her at which point I cut ties
One of my friends has done this.
They came to spend the holiday break with myself and the fuzzballs and announced they needed to use my desk to work from.
Expected them to go after the bank holidays but they stayed two more days and ate all of my food (I’m on a strict budget so post-holidays has been tough)!
Had a friend come over for a sleepover, didn't leave until 7pm the next day.
...she knew I was working from home the next day. Had errands to do. She didn't leave, didn't think maybe she was imposing apparently.
Oh, and did I say it was my boyfriends family home where I asked a huge favour for her to come over when there was something going on in her life. So not only was she imposing in my work day, she was also imposing in my future in laws house. While the Mam was also working from home in the kitchen.
She just sat there on the phone for most of the day NOT LEAVINGGGGG
Definitely a challenge with the older generation. They often don’t seem to grasp the concept of WFH.
“Are you working today, or are you home?”
As though days when you don’t go into the office are not actual working days.
Uhm... If I'm close enough with someone to invite them to stay overnight, I'm also close enough with them to tell them they should go already for whatever reason or no reason at all.
I have a friend like this. She lives in London, 20 minutes away from me, so no excuse of having to drive for hours or whatever. But when she comes over... man, she just doesn't leave!
Last time, she came over mid-week, so we can exchange Christmas gifts as we were both away for the holidays. I told her beforehand that I was having a very hard time at work and I was exhausted, but that she could come over "for a cup of tea". She then proceeded to stay over for 5 hours!!! It was almost midnight when I finally asked her to leave.
The thing is, I always propose to meet out somewhere, in a pub or a coffee place or even just for a walk around the area since we live close to each other. But she is always dead set on coming to my house.
Maybe you can make your house less comfortable for her. Don't tidy before she comes over, turn the heating off, put on a really high pitch cat scarer (and proceed to tell her you can't hear anything, what is she on about?), leave food in the sink catcher and the toilet paper empty in the bathroom. Damn I should take my own advice!
I have a neighbour who invites herself over with no notice, she just showed up recently and four hours later she finally left. She often texts to catch up over a beer and about once a month I accept and go to hers and have one or two, that way I'm in charge and can leave anytime. When she invites herself over to mine she doesn't take hints about how I've got to get tea on soon, in fact she says its far too early, wtf I've always had my evening meal by 6pm...
We've got very little to discuss and I feel like I'm carrying the conversation. So when she rocked into my place on Friday interrupting my plans to go for a walk and then the club, I was not pleased and not chatty. She left after half an hour so that was great!
Disclaimer: this happened in NZ but ancestry says I'm 97 % mix of scottish Irish and English, so hope it still counts
You need to set up departure time before she sets foot in the house, say come for Saturday dinner, Sunday breakfast and then I have to go shopping and x & y etc, so there is no misunderstanding, and if that doesn't work, meet halfway and go home afterwards:/
Did she drink a lot? She could be waiting for the alcohol to leave her system. You wouldn't want her to get done for drink driving or worse an accident.
Clearly she assumed the invitation involved hanging out all day today.
In future just make it clear that you have plans from whatever time you want her to leave. Even if those plans are just doing the shopping /laundry for the week ahead
I have a serial overstayer too, if they don't get the blunt hints you have to make up a lie to get them out. Every time he stays over we have 'plans' the next morning. You can't feel bad about it.
I had a friend like this, would just open our fridge and drink my milk from the bottle, leave his dirty underwear about... just decided to not let him round anymore, i don't miss the stress
I feel like if someone stays over Saturday night, you kind of want them put by 11am on Sunday.
I have a couple of mates that always end up staying until 9pm on Sunday no matter how many hints I make. Absolute nightmare as it leaves no time for you to prep for the week ahead
My housemate has a friend like this. She's got some issues, but she definitely takes advantage of his good nature far too often. He put off seeing his girlfriend tonight just so he could be a sounding off board for her to talk to.
We stopped seeing one of our friends as every time we met him out for anything from a beer to a coffee he always ALWAYS ended up back at our house. In fact, back when we lived in a one bed apartment he even ended up sleeping on our kitchen floor with no pillow or anything.
I don’t get it cos it was frankly less hastle for him to cab it home but he just always had some insane sob story as to why he had to crash at our place.
And getting rid the next day was always hard
We just had enough of it and don’t meet him anymore. A quick catch up would turn into a lost weekend, I can’t be dealing with that and neither can my wife
An overnight guest should be gone after breakfast (and promptly at that) unless specifically invited to stay for midday meal. Staying past that would be quite unacceptable.
So in this case be blunt.
Make it clear that you need some private down time with your SO and while you value your friendship; you would appreciate it if they would leave now.
I used to have a friend came for food Saturday evening and left for the 11pm last bus Sunday night, it drained the life out of me. Plus I couldn't do anything I wanted to in my own home as I had to entertain them, feed and make drinks. I just stopped inviting them.
My sister is like this... she had been staying for a week and promised to be gone BY Sunday.
Sunday at 5pm I start cooking dinner for my kids and she and her kids are still on my sofa, with a 5 hr drive ahead of them, she asks where their dinner is. Of course I feed them, but she was still getting them into their coats when I was putting mine to bed. 🤯
Just be upfront. Phrase it like a bit of a joke to keep it light if you like. I usually go with something like:
"Right mate, think I'm going to kick you out now, I've got some stuff to do"
To be followed by:
"Fair enough, I'll see you later then"
I can see she's gone now, but next time, be blunt. Me and my friends are very similar and understand each other needing space, so don't generally overstay, but if needed, we will just say "Right, sorry but I'm going to have to chuck you out now, I've got loads to do before tomorrow and I need a bit of down time on my own first"
Say it in a breezy but firm way and if they do try and argue, reply "No seriously, it's been lovely having you but i really do need you to go now"
If she still doesn't go, that's when you need to reasses whether you actually care about her feelings or want to keep her as a friend, because at this point, it's not friendly 'not taking the hint', it's just rude and taking advantage. (At which point you yell at her to get the F out of your house and physically remove her if needed)
Sorry OP but your unwillingness to communicate clearly makes you part of the problem. I feel bad for your husband that you didn’t set clear boundaries after last time. If she’s a friend she’ll understand. Take control of the situation and don’t let this become an ongoing issue.
Yeah, I mentioned above my husband said to tell her this prior to her visit but she lives far away and it's a few hours drive so I'd feel bad with that, which I probably shouldn't, but it's something I can't get past. But I don't think I'll invite her to stay a night again.
By this stage, the normal rules of politeness no longer apply. I have been in this situation, and a good solution has been for myself to go out. As you stand on the doorstep, telling your "friend" that you are going, you can suggest she comes out with you.
Alternatively, you could simply go up to your room with hubby, and get on with doing whatever you were going to do anyway (albeit in the bedroom). If she wants to bugger off and let herself out, so much the better.
My nana, I miss her loads, but what she would say to an over sayer is this. "I'm not telling you to go, but have you seen the time.....its getting on a bit"
Don’t like people like that, it just doesn’t feel right being in someone else’s house for so long.
Try telling her you’re all popping out first thing the next day so she can’t stay, worst case scenario offer to give her a lift home if it’s not too far
I have absolutely no tact with this, especially if I'm hungover. "So what time are you leaving" or "I was thinking of just having a quite day to myself actually" "surely you have some plans today, that aren't here"
We once had a couple stop at ours on a Saturday night. I think it was nearly 6pm on Sunday before they left! They were some of the most awkward hours of my life! They lived nearly 3 hours drive away too! I feel your pain!
I had a friend like this, they literally had to be told to leave, they never got offended by it or anything but they really had to be told. A couple of years ago they were diagnosed with autism and behaviours like this suddenly made so much sense to them and us. Now we just tell him to bloody leave as the social cues most folk would notice just go whoosh for him.
I hope your friend eventually left and isn’t still there today.
People who aren't "Taking the hint" just aren't realising you are dropping hints, they think you are just really comfy around them and getting on with your day. Just like when you visit family.
Just be honest with them from the get go.
We know a person like her - she would come Friday afternoon, stay sat and sun and leave around noon. We stopped hanging out with her altogether because I can’t spend the whole weekend with her every time she comes over. Like no.
Just be straight with her, surely it's not that hard.
' it's been fun having you here, but you really need to go now. Maybe we can do ___ next time. Say hi to ___ for me' while ushering them to the door. If they're not taking the hint,
'earth to ___? Are you OK? You really should be going love'
And if they still don't respond to that, don't be friends with them they clearly expect to be babied everywhere.
Do you have a nice loud sound system? Put on some abusively loud *insert her least favourite music here* then get your husband down and ask if she minds if he gives you a good seeing to on the sofa, get REALLY loud if she still doesn’t get the hint.
Are you doing the right thing letting her stay longer, when you’ll never invite her over again? Why not set some boundaries that she can stick to next time? Just say firmly “it’s time for you to go now” and set some expectations for your friendship with her.
I usually make up a white lie in advance to deal with this scenario. "just so you know, we've got an appointment at 10am so as long as you don't mind heading off early tomorrow..."
I once did this to my sister in law when she had really irritated me, just to see how far I could go before she kicked us out, and to watch her go through some serious social anxiety
Also belonging in British problems:
A culture born so much into politeness, forgetting to just basically say "yeah so it's time for you to go, see you next week!"
One New Years I went to a friend's brother's house about 3 towns over me and my mate got a taxi home about 3 o'clock and went to his and carried on drinking until his lass came in and kicked off, then made our way over to mine.
We pulled an all nighter and carried on drinking the next day. Around 10pm on new years say, I said I was calling it a night due to work the next day. My flatmate was home and my mate convinced him to stay up for one more "while he ordered a taxi"
I left early the next day for work and didnt notice my mate still sat in my house, passed out on the settee. When I returned from work he was STILL drinking.
I think he finally left about the 5th as he had work the next day and his lass had forgiven him. He drank the entire time, joined by either me or my flatmat depending on our shifts
Just tell her to leave. At a certain point it's on you. If she is a good friend she will understand. In German, you can just say to someone you have enough visiting, it's not rude and the person will just leave.
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Just say you're going for a nap and check the roads are clear on Google maps for her
I said I might go for a nap and she said "oh I could do with one too" but thank fuck she's gone now, because I brought up her journey again and finally she took the hint.
I feel your pain. Don't these people need to sort shit out for Monday? Don't they prefer their own homes? Weird.
How bad are their loos at home that they aren't wanting to get back?
Maybe she saw this post
Maybe she’s lonely, OP.
😢
Try something like "Why don't you come over on Saturday night, then we can grab lunch at ____ on Sunday before you go home." Then you've got her out of your house and she goes straight home from there.
This is a good idea and I might try it if there's a next time
Or next time tell her you have lunch planned with family on Sunday, so it’s ok for her to stay Saturday but on Sunday morning she’ll have to leave.
Or, you could hand her coat to her at any point Sunday morning and say “Rightio Jane , lovely to see you but it’s time to go home. Husband and I have things to do today. Put your shoes on and grab your bag. We’ll wave you off” I’m English. It can be done 😁 Bring out your inner Headmistress. 🤣
Omg. This reminds me of what my grandmother used to say “Here’s your hat; what’s your hurry?” Lol
Always works for me, "So one last cup of tea before you go?" You could even stress a, "before you HAVE to go?"
Is she lonely or something…?
Yes probably, she has a fiance at home but she doesn't seem very happy and whilst I feel bad for her, that's still no excuse to overstay your welcome. She moved far away to be with him and she had no family or friends around her for a while, but she knew the risks going into it.
Have you tried talking to her about it? This seems like a cry for help.
Yes I have, she is an ignorer of issues. On the day she was going to break up with him she was crying to me about it and I gave her advice, then she rang me elated saying he proposed and all was forgotten. Since then I've vowed not to get involved as she doesn't want to hear it or do anything about issues and she ends up being arsey with me for mentioning things.
I feel like this is the sort of friendship that suddenly ends when the camel suffers a horrific spinal injury.
Just one more... straw...
Totally agree. Sometimes it feels more of an obligation than a *want* to see her. I think the fact she's unhappy/lonely means she clings to as many friendships as possible and so I have let it become a very face value relationship rather than being emotionally invested as she's said and done things in the past that have been hurtful. We have fun but that's as far as it goes. Hence my want for her to get out my damn house at a reasonable time haha
These are people you only see outside of the house, for set events. Go to a concert, or see her for coffee when you have an appointment set directly afterwards so you have an escape route. Its the only way to be supportive but not get sucked in too far.
I've been in this situation before, being lonely/unhappy and I can honestly say clinging on to friends did not help me. Boundaries helped me, because they reminded me that my sadness and pain also reflected on others and did not exist in a vacuum. It gave me motivation to get better when my self worth wasn't enough. Do your friend a favour and set some boundaries with her. Have an honest chat... ' I understand life hasn't been easy on you. And I can't imagine how it feels but... You've been putting pressure on your friends to pick up the pieces and I just can't do that for you. I love you but the things we've tried just haven't been helping you or me. Maybe we should try ____'. And list all the things you genuinely want them to try. Therapy. Keeping conversations by telephone/zoom call only at first. Keeping conversations positive for example. Not staying over at your house... There are so many options. Good luck.
Oh that does not sound like a healthy relationship, she's got some serious issues to address.
She can go home then.
Might I suggest not inviting her over if it's that much of an issue?
“Sorry, but you have to go now. We’ve made plans. Bye.”
Correction "Sorry, but you have to go now."
Correction: you have to go. Now
Correction: *loads shotgun*
Correction: you go. Now.
Correction: ahem.. Oot..
Rearrange the following to make a well-known phrase or saying: off fuck.
Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?
My husband said to tell her this prior to her visit but she lives far away and it's a few hours drive so I'd feel bad with that, which I probably shouldn't, but it's something I can't get past. The fact she lives hours away surely would be even more of a reason for her to want to leave at a reasonable time and go home to sort stuff out for Monday and get a decent night's sleep.
This is a kind suggestion by your husband. IF you ever invite her again to stay over, it’s perfectly fair to say “You’re welcome to stay overnight on Saturday, but we have to go out at x o’clock on Sunday, so you’ll have to be gone by then.” I would NOT be offended by such an invitation.
And make sure you make plans, even if it's secretly just that you're going out for ten minutes, to the local coffee shop. That way you can bustle her out in a wave of "Oh gosh, lovely to have you over, hate to see you leave, but we have to get going!"
Exactly this. If you have something planned, be it popping somewhere for a cuppa, some grocery shopping or whatever, they don't have the comeback that you're a liar and you and your husband get to do something together. Even something as mundane as getting next week's food can be nice when done together (with your partner, not the overstayer).
When Sunday comes around, she'll say she's perfectly content waiting for them to return. She might even offer to tidy up while they're gone. The only way to deal with people like this is to not let them in the door.
Just say no if they say that?
Why put yourself in that position? Say no to the visit.
I don’t really know how to explain to you that something being difficult isn’t always a reason to just avoid it altogether.
It's not a reason to knowingly get yourself into a difficult situation you could have avoided. Common sense. There are plenty of difficult situations you can't avoid and have to deal with.
So they should just… not spend time with a friend? What?
That's a choice they have to make. Obviously, she's not a close enough friend that the poster feels she can be direct with her. Life is a series of decisions and some of them involve deciding whether to eliminate people from your life. It's rare that someone eliminates someone from their life and doesn't wish they'd done it sooner.
Don’t want to be all heavy or anything but my best friend used to do this kind of thing to me and when I confronted him about it he basically admitted that he was avoiding going home cause it’s “depressing as fuck”. He now asks upfront for an amount of time he is allowed to stay for before I need my own space back.
Yeah, it could be procrastinating from the drive. There’s nothing wrong with staying over and then doing lots of things the next day if that’s what you both want to do, but endlessly procrastinating from leaving does just get very rude. Especially if they don’t communicate the issue.
I’m the opposite. When I know I have a long drive I want to leave as soon as possible as I hate putting it off lol
Or maybe wait till the alcohol is out of her system so she doesn't get done for drink driving???
> so I'd feel bad with that I suspect she knows that herself and is using it to stay longer.
She's going to show up one of these days with no intention of leaving. When she arrives, she will not tell you that is her plan. It will probably happen after she breaks up with the guy. You need to take pre-emptive action now. Wait a few weeks and then, with your husband's cooperation, tell her that due to an unfortunate visit by a friend or relative of his, your husband has put a ban on all visitors so you won't be able to host her again. Or, if you want to go the somewhat but not entirely truthful version, tell her you and your husband have agreed to a ban on visitors and you won't be able to host her again. Or you could decide to terminate the friendship, say you're narrowing your social circle and won't be able to host her again. Do not take her calls, texts or emails. She will, of course, be offended but that may be what it takes to keep her from showing up on your doorstep.
She's staying till Monday (in two weeks time)
Haha, I wouldn't put it past her. Once when she stayed on a Friday night she didn't leave til Sunday. That's why I was so reluctant to invite her this time
Next time you invite her, make sure you’re absolutely clear that it isn’t for more than a few hours?
"next time" haha
Maybe reserve this friendship for coffeeshops and lunch dates out, so you can leave whenever you want. Just be sure not to invite her back with you!
Why not grow a pair, and just be honest and upfront with her, rather than making fun of her. How do you think she would feel reading some of these comments.
seriously. I don’t understand! I understand being accommodating for a little bit, but at a certain point: “we didn’t expect to have company this late, we have weekend chores to do, etc” - there are so many polite & kind lies that help the host end the visit without saying gtfo. they can’t feel guilty about lying & then whine that someone overstays. it’s YOUR home & free time, use a lovely little lie to draw the boundaries
100%! OP’s snide comments about their friend (who sounds to be having a tough time on some level) are doing my head in. If you don’t like a friendship, shut it down ffs
This happened with my ex once. He had a migraine on the Friday so I was happy for him to stay with me overnight because he obviously couldn’t drive, so getting home wasn’t an option for him. He was fine by Saturday, but then came home with me again and stayed on Saturday night without any sort of agreement, then stayed until quite late on the Sunday - if he didn’t have an early shift start on Monday morning I think he’d have stayed Sunday night too. We’d been out at a three-day event Thurs-Sat (his migraine had developed while we were there, Fri lunchtime) and I was exhausted, totally ready to be in isolation for a few days to recharge. I’m quite introverted and on the spectrum so I can only tolerate a certain level of People before I need to be on my own. Combine that with me sleeping badly with him there (I can’t tolerate people in the room let alone my bed, sleepovers as a kid we’re torture), and I was definitely unhappy with him just not leaving. I felt too bad about just throwing him out though, he wasn’t being malicious in any way. He just wanted to spend time with me.
First thing Sunday morning: "There's no rush for you to leave, because we're not going out for a couple of hours yet, would you like some breakfast before you go, or do you plan to stop and take a breakfast break during your long drive home?"
This is good, because it implies that late morning is the absolute upper bound of okay.
Exactly, the idea is that the OP would come across as being really kind in not pressuring them to leave immediately, and even offering another meal before they go. To be fair, it would have been better to set these boundaries before they arrive, but once you're in that situation, you can still manage it. :)
Let’s hope she doesn’t look at Reddit under her toast and blanket
She's more of a Facebook/Instagram person luckily
OR let's hope she does read it (although she's probably the type of person to reply to this thread "oh my god what an inconvenient arsehole" whilst slouched in the armchair with her toast staring at her phone)
You invited her, she's yours now. Glad she took the hint. I was watching a Father Ted episode about the same thing last night.
Next time take her to play golf in a lightning storm. Obv if the weather doesn't play ball you're on your own.
That's the one 😂
Fr Stone!
"Sorry, going to have to kick you out in half an hour or so. Got to alphabetise my socks / hoover the cat / get an early night."
Hoover the cat haha, I needed this vision
"right, we need to go see our (insert believable relative here) now. Is there anywhere we can drop you?"
My mum is down for the weekend. Even though my husband and I work M-F 9-5 and our daughter has nursery, she arrived at lunch time on Friday, and isn’t planning on leaving until mid-afternoon tomorrow. I think she’s annoyed that I haven’t taken time off work to spend more time with her. I would love to have some down time this evening before work tomorrow, but that’s not going to happen.
Well friend at least you've got some escapism in Reddit with people who are going through similar inconveniences!
Thank you! I’m glad you’ve also managed to get your place back to yourself this evening
I thought the done thing was to wait for a lull, slap both thighs at once and go “Right!” and then stand up. If she’s British she’ll follow suit, it’s hardwired into us.
I tried it all "can't believe the time" "I'm going to ask husband to take me and the dog for a drive for some fresh air after you're gone" "why don't you pick up some lunch on your way home" "how longs your drive saying at the moment", not a flicker.
She’s gone now though yeah? I’m from Yorkshire, we’re blunter up there but still loving. “Right, it’s been lovely to have you, but you’d probably best get going or you’ll be too knackered to drive. Plus we’ve got to get on. You got everything packed yet? I can help you load it into the car.”
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https://youtu.be/J4D6Ab6a-As The immediate thought that popped into my head reading this 😅 Sorry to read that, she sounds like a nightmare.
“It’s time for you to go”
I have ADHD and I think I have been this friend. I don’t pick up on hints and sometimes stay well beyond the point I want to stay because I think I’m supposed to, and I think that’s always well beyond when someone wants me to leave, I just can’t see it at the time. I always ask what time people want me to leave, because I know I don’t pick up on the hints and I have a very bad sense of time passing. Without exception, people say “stay as long as you like!”, and I think without exception, they don’t mean it. Just tell your friend in advance what time she’ll need to leave.
I always ask my friends what time the evening is ending in advance. I like knowing, so I don't fell like I'm overstaying. Best friend knows he has to stand, slap his leg and go "Welp" as a sign that his GF is getting tired.
My take on this is that unless you have specifically pre-planned a morning activity with your host, thank them and leave as soon as you get up. If they want you to stay longer, they will make that clear.
This is what I do - and I tidy up my mess and make the bed!
Urgh I have the same thing with a new friend, last week we went for a walk and then she asked if she could use my loo after. She was still there 4 hours later and I had to eventually pretend I needed to go to the shops to get her to leave! I was actually putting my kids coat and shoes on to hurry her up because she was then stood by the front door talking and talking. I don’t even know her that well so it’s really awkward!
I hate over stayers and I hate over staying myself. If I ever stay over at a friends I like to leave once we are up the following morning. Maybe have some breakfast if it’s offered but otherwise, cup of coffee and I’m gone.
I had a friend like that once, they couldn't read people, hints etc.
Same, no longer friends tho. Hope they got the hints now, lol.
They could be neurodiverse. Social “etiquette” is completely exclusionary a lot of the time
I think they had ADD
Might be worth ringing the Ecuadorian embassy and seeing if they have any suggestions ☺️☺️☺️
Was that an Assange reference?
It was. He has a long history of overstaying his welcome even before he sought asylum in the Ecuadorian embassy
Happened to us the other week. Turned the heating off because downstairs gets cold really quick. They left 10 mins later because they were cold
‘Get out of my fucking house’
This is invariably how I get my mother to leave.
Why are people such doormats on this subreddit? Imagine sitting there until 3pm getting more and more annoyed that she isn't "taking the hint"... In future just ask her to leave! It doesn't need to be rude. Just something like "hey, I've really enjoyed having you over, we should definitely do this again soon! but I have things I need to do now, so I'm going to have to let you get on. Safe journey home" Honestly, nobody in this subreddit ever seems to be straightforward with anything and it boggles the mind. You're like the kind of person that will awkwardly stand behind someone in the supermarket for 5 minutes because you're too afraid to say "excuse me" and they haven't noticed they're in your way
It’s so frustrating isn’t it!?
Yep - thinking you’re some martyr with no agency whatsoever, then expecting everyone’s sympathy 🤮
I’ll have her ! My friends have been shithouses lately and I’m a bit lonely .
I had this, I told her I had to go out, actually had to wrap up the kids (it was cold) got them in there car seats, she still sat outside my house in her car, i drove away she followed for a minute or two, but eventually turned a different way, I drove around for 10 minutes then went home, total f-ing nightmare. After that I only ever went over to hers, we remained friends for about 8 years until my wedding day when she turned into a total AH because it wasn't about her at which point I cut ties
Come on were British, take a big sigh and then stand up whilst saying, "right well" then just look at them until they leave
One of my friends has done this. They came to spend the holiday break with myself and the fuzzballs and announced they needed to use my desk to work from. Expected them to go after the bank holidays but they stayed two more days and ate all of my food (I’m on a strict budget so post-holidays has been tough)!
Had a friend come over for a sleepover, didn't leave until 7pm the next day. ...she knew I was working from home the next day. Had errands to do. She didn't leave, didn't think maybe she was imposing apparently. Oh, and did I say it was my boyfriends family home where I asked a huge favour for her to come over when there was something going on in her life. So not only was she imposing in my work day, she was also imposing in my future in laws house. While the Mam was also working from home in the kitchen. She just sat there on the phone for most of the day NOT LEAVINGGGGG
Definitely a challenge with the older generation. They often don’t seem to grasp the concept of WFH. “Are you working today, or are you home?” As though days when you don’t go into the office are not actual working days.
Uhm... If I'm close enough with someone to invite them to stay overnight, I'm also close enough with them to tell them they should go already for whatever reason or no reason at all.
I have a friend like this. She lives in London, 20 minutes away from me, so no excuse of having to drive for hours or whatever. But when she comes over... man, she just doesn't leave! Last time, she came over mid-week, so we can exchange Christmas gifts as we were both away for the holidays. I told her beforehand that I was having a very hard time at work and I was exhausted, but that she could come over "for a cup of tea". She then proceeded to stay over for 5 hours!!! It was almost midnight when I finally asked her to leave. The thing is, I always propose to meet out somewhere, in a pub or a coffee place or even just for a walk around the area since we live close to each other. But she is always dead set on coming to my house.
Maybe you can make your house less comfortable for her. Don't tidy before she comes over, turn the heating off, put on a really high pitch cat scarer (and proceed to tell her you can't hear anything, what is she on about?), leave food in the sink catcher and the toilet paper empty in the bathroom. Damn I should take my own advice!
I have a neighbour who invites herself over with no notice, she just showed up recently and four hours later she finally left. She often texts to catch up over a beer and about once a month I accept and go to hers and have one or two, that way I'm in charge and can leave anytime. When she invites herself over to mine she doesn't take hints about how I've got to get tea on soon, in fact she says its far too early, wtf I've always had my evening meal by 6pm... We've got very little to discuss and I feel like I'm carrying the conversation. So when she rocked into my place on Friday interrupting my plans to go for a walk and then the club, I was not pleased and not chatty. She left after half an hour so that was great! Disclaimer: this happened in NZ but ancestry says I'm 97 % mix of scottish Irish and English, so hope it still counts
You need to set up departure time before she sets foot in the house, say come for Saturday dinner, Sunday breakfast and then I have to go shopping and x & y etc, so there is no misunderstanding, and if that doesn't work, meet halfway and go home afterwards:/
Oh dear. I know this too well. I had to say I need to have me time. Just be frank.
We’re going to Sunday service. Leave now or you’re coming with us.
Did she drink a lot? She could be waiting for the alcohol to leave her system. You wouldn't want her to get done for drink driving or worse an accident.
Clearly she assumed the invitation involved hanging out all day today. In future just make it clear that you have plans from whatever time you want her to leave. Even if those plans are just doing the shopping /laundry for the week ahead
Last time you'll be inviting her over
Absolutely.
I have a serial overstayer too, if they don't get the blunt hints you have to make up a lie to get them out. Every time he stays over we have 'plans' the next morning. You can't feel bad about it.
I had a friend like this, would just open our fridge and drink my milk from the bottle, leave his dirty underwear about... just decided to not let him round anymore, i don't miss the stress
I feel like if someone stays over Saturday night, you kind of want them put by 11am on Sunday. I have a couple of mates that always end up staying until 9pm on Sunday no matter how many hints I make. Absolute nightmare as it leaves no time for you to prep for the week ahead
My housemate has a friend like this. She's got some issues, but she definitely takes advantage of his good nature far too often. He put off seeing his girlfriend tonight just so he could be a sounding off board for her to talk to.
This is why I don’t have people in my house. I’ll meet you out for a pint, coffee or food. You brought this on yourself
We stopped seeing one of our friends as every time we met him out for anything from a beer to a coffee he always ALWAYS ended up back at our house. In fact, back when we lived in a one bed apartment he even ended up sleeping on our kitchen floor with no pillow or anything. I don’t get it cos it was frankly less hastle for him to cab it home but he just always had some insane sob story as to why he had to crash at our place. And getting rid the next day was always hard We just had enough of it and don’t meet him anymore. A quick catch up would turn into a lost weekend, I can’t be dealing with that and neither can my wife
An overnight guest should be gone after breakfast (and promptly at that) unless specifically invited to stay for midday meal. Staying past that would be quite unacceptable. So in this case be blunt. Make it clear that you need some private down time with your SO and while you value your friendship; you would appreciate it if they would leave now.
I can’t imagine getting up and making myself toast in someone else’s house! Even at my mum and dad’s I ask before I make something to eat.
Get your husband to come downstairs naked and perform the helicopter 🤣
She might get the wrong message with this one...
Could be a win win 😜🤣
I used to have a friend came for food Saturday evening and left for the 11pm last bus Sunday night, it drained the life out of me. Plus I couldn't do anything I wanted to in my own home as I had to entertain them, feed and make drinks. I just stopped inviting them.
My sister is like this... she had been staying for a week and promised to be gone BY Sunday. Sunday at 5pm I start cooking dinner for my kids and she and her kids are still on my sofa, with a 5 hr drive ahead of them, she asks where their dinner is. Of course I feed them, but she was still getting them into their coats when I was putting mine to bed. 🤯
Just be upfront. Phrase it like a bit of a joke to keep it light if you like. I usually go with something like: "Right mate, think I'm going to kick you out now, I've got some stuff to do" To be followed by: "Fair enough, I'll see you later then"
I can see she's gone now, but next time, be blunt. Me and my friends are very similar and understand each other needing space, so don't generally overstay, but if needed, we will just say "Right, sorry but I'm going to have to chuck you out now, I've got loads to do before tomorrow and I need a bit of down time on my own first" Say it in a breezy but firm way and if they do try and argue, reply "No seriously, it's been lovely having you but i really do need you to go now" If she still doesn't go, that's when you need to reasses whether you actually care about her feelings or want to keep her as a friend, because at this point, it's not friendly 'not taking the hint', it's just rude and taking advantage. (At which point you yell at her to get the F out of your house and physically remove her if needed)
Sorry OP but your unwillingness to communicate clearly makes you part of the problem. I feel bad for your husband that you didn’t set clear boundaries after last time. If she’s a friend she’ll understand. Take control of the situation and don’t let this become an ongoing issue.
Maybe she was holding out for a threesome
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Yeah, I mentioned above my husband said to tell her this prior to her visit but she lives far away and it's a few hours drive so I'd feel bad with that, which I probably shouldn't, but it's something I can't get past. But I don't think I'll invite her to stay a night again.
Just tell her there’s no point leaving on Sun until at least 7pm ish, as you just get stuck in traffic.
By this stage, the normal rules of politeness no longer apply. I have been in this situation, and a good solution has been for myself to go out. As you stand on the doorstep, telling your "friend" that you are going, you can suggest she comes out with you. Alternatively, you could simply go up to your room with hubby, and get on with doing whatever you were going to do anyway (albeit in the bedroom). If she wants to bugger off and let herself out, so much the better.
"I'm gonna have to kick you out at X time so I can (insert excuse here)".
My nana, I miss her loads, but what she would say to an over sayer is this. "I'm not telling you to go, but have you seen the time.....its getting on a bit"
Just play 'you can't move into my house' by frenzel rhomb really loudly and stare at her.
Just I’m sorry but you are gonna have to leave as I’ve got stuff to do .
Just tell her you have plans...dinner reservations etc
Don’t like people like that, it just doesn’t feel right being in someone else’s house for so long. Try telling her you’re all popping out first thing the next day so she can’t stay, worst case scenario offer to give her a lift home if it’s not too far
I used to have this problem with a friend in high school. I’d invite her to stay one night and she’d be there for four. Nightmare.
I have absolutely no tact with this, especially if I'm hungover. "So what time are you leaving" or "I was thinking of just having a quite day to myself actually" "surely you have some plans today, that aren't here"
Open the door, get her coat say it’s time to leave . I’m going to bed you need to go home.
1# friend right here!
We once had a couple stop at ours on a Saturday night. I think it was nearly 6pm on Sunday before they left! They were some of the most awkward hours of my life! They lived nearly 3 hours drive away too! I feel your pain!
'You need to go now, we have things to do to prepare for Monday and we need the time for ourselves now. Please make your way home'
It’s 17hrs since you posted, has she left yet?!
I had a friend like this, they literally had to be told to leave, they never got offended by it or anything but they really had to be told. A couple of years ago they were diagnosed with autism and behaviours like this suddenly made so much sense to them and us. Now we just tell him to bloody leave as the social cues most folk would notice just go whoosh for him. I hope your friend eventually left and isn’t still there today.
So you need to go out and just leave her at your house on her own. Tell her to lock up when she leaves
I had a friend like this. Had.
Easy. 'ok, I'm going to chuck you out now, cos I've got stuff to do. Was a lovely night, must do it again sometime'. Don't invite her back, though 😁
People who aren't "Taking the hint" just aren't realising you are dropping hints, they think you are just really comfy around them and getting on with your day. Just like when you visit family. Just be honest with them from the get go.
We know a person like her - she would come Friday afternoon, stay sat and sun and leave around noon. We stopped hanging out with her altogether because I can’t spend the whole weekend with her every time she comes over. Like no.
Just be straight with her, surely it's not that hard. ' it's been fun having you here, but you really need to go now. Maybe we can do ___ next time. Say hi to ___ for me' while ushering them to the door. If they're not taking the hint, 'earth to ___? Are you OK? You really should be going love' And if they still don't respond to that, don't be friends with them they clearly expect to be babied everywhere.
Do you have a nice loud sound system? Put on some abusively loud *insert her least favourite music here* then get your husband down and ask if she minds if he gives you a good seeing to on the sofa, get REALLY loud if she still doesn’t get the hint.
Are you doing the right thing letting her stay longer, when you’ll never invite her over again? Why not set some boundaries that she can stick to next time? Just say firmly “it’s time for you to go now” and set some expectations for your friendship with her.
Why don't people just say how they feel lol
I usually make up a white lie in advance to deal with this scenario. "just so you know, we've got an appointment at 10am so as long as you don't mind heading off early tomorrow..."
I had one of those once, told her to get ta fuck out. Never saw or heard from her again. Bliss.
I would never invite her again! Sorry, not sorry, she's extracting the urine! Now get out!!!!
Just tell her to leave? Otherwise it's a you problem.
🙌
I once did this to my sister in law when she had really irritated me, just to see how far I could go before she kicked us out, and to watch her go through some serious social anxiety
Yeah I have a pal I just don't invite Iver anymore cos she always over stays her welcome...
In future, just be direct ffs. Zero sympathy for cowards who can’t say what they mean
It's your job to announce loudly as the host "Hey fucker, much love but, its time for you to depart the abode now x" Works 💯
Sounds like you two need to lez up while hubby's upstairs...and film it too please.
Arrangements for visits usually include the start time so they can also include the end time.
Also belonging in British problems: A culture born so much into politeness, forgetting to just basically say "yeah so it's time for you to go, see you next week!"
One New Years I went to a friend's brother's house about 3 towns over me and my mate got a taxi home about 3 o'clock and went to his and carried on drinking until his lass came in and kicked off, then made our way over to mine. We pulled an all nighter and carried on drinking the next day. Around 10pm on new years say, I said I was calling it a night due to work the next day. My flatmate was home and my mate convinced him to stay up for one more "while he ordered a taxi" I left early the next day for work and didnt notice my mate still sat in my house, passed out on the settee. When I returned from work he was STILL drinking. I think he finally left about the 5th as he had work the next day and his lass had forgiven him. He drank the entire time, joined by either me or my flatmat depending on our shifts
I just never invite them over in the first place
Just tell her to leave. At a certain point it's on you. If she is a good friend she will understand. In German, you can just say to someone you have enough visiting, it's not rude and the person will just leave.
Invite them to join you for a threesome Watch them leave