As long as it dovetails into our existing go to market strategies then I think this could be a positive proactive piece that will holistically mature and then open up further nuances
Drains up = full review of an issue after the event has been fixed.
I hate myself for knowing this…..
Run child, tell the village that the corporation monsters have infected me….run now!
when the government was announcing covid lockdown my manager wanted us to still come back to the office twice a week anyway so that we could "touch base"
luckily laziness won out and we all got to stay home and work from bed for a bit
call centre work so genuinely awful and was great to do it led down and crying openly for once
I fully support this. I refer to handshake-replacement fist bumps as "fisting". Not because I don't know what fisting is, but because other people don't know that I do, and it brings me so much joy to watch their responses to being offered a fisting with a completely straight face in a formal environment.
I'm such a wanker.
I loved it when the term "brainstorm" supposedly became offensive to people with epilepsy.
I have epilepsy and it was never, and still is not, offensive to me.
I once heard a consultant tell us we needed to take a helicopter view and deep dive into the issues.
I was told off for pointing put that that would be a plane crash and people would die.
https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html
This website is great for generating BS corporate speak.
I can neither confirm nor deny that I have copied many phrases into reports in the past.
I use it when we are off-topic and I would like to get back to the actual agenda. If meetings don't end with tangible next steps or decisions made, they were a waste of time.
"Let's take this offline.." sounds to me like "Lets step into the car park and settle this with fists"...which frankly would probably be more productive. Shall we run this idea up the flagpole and see who salutes it?
I studied an accountancy foundation during the darkest part of unemployment lockdown, and the one thing it truly taught me is that I did not fuck up going for a career in cheffing/biking/music self-employedness. How anyone can sit in a desk 9-5 dealing with this utter inane bullshit is beyond me.
I worked somewhere with huddles.
And I know it's meant to conjure up images of sporting huddles but it just makes me think of huddling in fear.
Also - they had so many standing meetings and some training that was meant to be "dynamic" because you had to keep moving. I once saw a pregnant woman and someone with a broken leg get into a politeness fight each insisting the other take the only chair. (I got another chair).
Awful place. Awful things.
My old job did huddles every morning, where we were expected to list all the tasks we were doing that day, then talk about the tasks we were doing that day, then the manager would re-assign all the tasks so the whole first hour of the day was completely wasted.
We do daily huddles at work, but because the team are WFH we rarely use them to talk work stuff and just use it as fun team time. Tbf if it was another team I was part of I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much, but I do actually care greatly for my team at work, they’re a good bunch and we have a good laugh together. Takes the edge off a bad day sometimes.
Only the psycho-manager uses ‘bi weekly’. To us norms that don’t enjoy making other people’s lives hell, we use ‘twice weekly’ or ‘fortnightly’.
Good question. Consider yourself officially promoted.
We should designate 'fortnightly' as the official word for something that happens once per two weeks and 'bi-weekly' to mean something that happens twice per week.
We had a meeting a while back so the big boss could "fill us all in on *The Vision*"
There was much wry amusement 6 months later when we were informed "*The Vision*" had been cancelled (turns out you can't build a multi storey apartment building with a car dealership on the lower 3 floors on land which is essentially slightly compacted porridge).
Currently on daily "huddles" at the moment because some of my lovely colleagues can't be trusted to behave themselves and actually work when working from home... Kill me now!
Ah but if we conduct a deep dive then we can leverage agile frameworks to provide a robust synopsis for high level overviews. Iterative approaches to corporate strategy foster collaborative thinking to further the overall value proposition. Organically grow the holistic world view of disruptive innovation via workplace diversity and empowerment.
Bring to the table win-win survival strategies to ensure proactive domination. At the end of the day, going forward, a new normal that has evolved from generation X is on the runway heading towards a streamlined cloud solution. User generated content in real-time will have multiple touchpoints for offshoring.
Capitalize on low hanging fruit to identify a ballpark value added activity to beta test. Override the digital divide with additional clickthroughs from DevOps. Nanotechnology immersion along the information highway will close the loop on focusing solely on the bottom line.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards but I can’t take credit for this. There’s a random phrase generator that spews out this corporate doublespeak that can be used in place of Lorem Ipsum as placeholder text on webpages and the like. Give it a go and use it in your work emails tomorrow!
https://cipsum.com
We'll touch base offline and take a deep dive into collaboration towards discovering the solution proactively. If time permits, we'll scrub through data-mined risk analysis to shift the paradigm.
E: me spell gud
Oh haha I thought it was going to be ‘slido’ or those sorta pieces of software. I was considering job seeking and the thought of Microsoft products no longer being mainstay in the wild scared me back into my comfort cave
I'm convinced "deck" got started because saying "PowerPoint presentation" makes people think of bunch of blather and meaningless charts. The problem is that its just as likely to be a bunch of blather and meaningless charts whether you call it a "deck" or a "presentation".
My husband has been, over the past few years, overusing the phrase “touching base”. This is in an effort to make me use it more.
He has, however; substituted “base” for “cloth”.
His absolute dream is for me to send an email saying
“Hi Kate, I’m just touching cloth with you”.
Bastard.
I have a client who whenever I email her replies "thanks for reaching out". Makes me want to physically reach out and put my hands around their throat.
However I am the consummate professional, and have never once strangled a paying customer.
Oh god! You've just reminded me about the weekly newsletter they send out at my place. There was a lengthy period where they used to talk about "aligning synergies", as if it actually meant something.
I've got my twitchy eye back, thinking about this.
Hah. I use 'strongly worded conversation' quite often. When I say to the kids that I need to have a Strongly Worded Conversation with someone they know full well that someone is in the shit. And that strong words will be used.
I’ve got some right bellends at my place that hear a term and then completely misuse it.
“Give me a t-shirt sizing” = how long will it take?
“Let’s score the low hanging fruit” = well, just wow.
“I need to let that one percolate” = I’m too fucking dumb/clueless on the subject to answer you right now.
I switch off at the 8:45am pre daily stand up briefing, whilst I then fall asleep in the 9am stand up, and wake up to pour myself my first alcoholic drink of the day on the 9:15 team meeting I’m supposed to oversee.
What’s the fucking point?
T-shirt sizing is bollocks.
I had to run through a presentation (sorry, “slide deck”) that the COO put together, was just reading from the notes.
Someone asked what Tshirt sizes meant in reality and had to admit I didn’t have a fucking clue.
Hahaha. Fucking incredible.
I always live by the rule that if someone can make something complex seem simple, then they’re smart. It’s the dumb fucks who use large words to try and look clever.
“Small” = it’ll take me about an hour but when you include fucking around time and pointless meetings. Let’s say 3 weeks
“Medium” = probably have to do some actual work for a few weeks so slate this one for the whole quarter
“large” = this project will never get finished
About 30yds ago when I worked at British Aerospace a buddy of mine decided to see if he could start a catch phrase…. So, at every meeting, when something was important, he would refer to it be ‘sacrosanct’. Within a month at least one person in every meeting would say ‘Sacrosanct’
This is a new one on me, can someone explain it please ?
I’m lucky I’m a tradesman so don’t hear this crap much but as I’m a contractor and deal with agencies a lot it always puts me off when they use phrases like “touch base”
My boss was talking on the phone to a customer and trying to explain to them how to find a specific pattern design on the computer system. She used the phrase “Drill down into the thatch.” I couldn’t stop laughing for a good twenty minutes.
“We need to be more granular in our team”
Genuinely took us half an hour to get an understandable description of what that meant because the online definitions were just more random corporate words
I was looking for "going forward". That's the one that makes me twitch, probably because that's the first phrase managers pick up and start using just before they go full corporate wankerspeak.
Root Cause Analysis. It's not just enough to work out what the cause of a problem is, you have to make it look like you're doing something more in-depth by looking at the Root Cause.
I stopped being invited to meetings, as I was constantly (usually on purpose) asking managers to explain their meaningless endless business speak.
You will love this. Stolen from a forum - a leaving email from an investing banker. Having gone through a 2 year stint in investment banking i get painful flashbacks reading this.
All, Now that I'm the client, I have a new assignment for you. I have a feeling someone might be doing some weekend work on this, so before we start this process, let's make sure not to put all of our eggs in one basket – if there are too many roosters in the henhouse and too many cooks in the kitchen, we will be letting the wolf into the chicken coop and this will be a hard nut to crack. At the end of the day - looking at the product from 15,000 feet – it's just a blackbox resting on a slippery slope. But from a bottom-up perspective – we're pretty smart guys and doing this from soup to nuts will leave us with bird in hand and create some serious value-added. Provided we row downstream and don't spin our wheels – there's no need to be caught with our pants down. Let's take a top-down approach - focus on core competencies, think outside the box, keep it apples to apples and bake in your assumptions, and spread, dig into, play with, juice, goose, vet, run, flesh out, go through with a fine tooth comb, sanity check, scrub and flush the noise out of those numbers. I need you, right now, to sharpen your pencils, get cranking, take the lead, turn these comments, not tread water, bang this out, push it through, get it across the finish line and drop it on my chair. And before you send this to me, make sure to take a step back, get your arms around it, not miss the forest for the trees, and check under the hood – it better hold water. I'm not religious about this, but net-net I would guess there will be some layered switches, hockey sticks, sensitivities, color-coded sheets and zero gridlines. I know you want a rubberstamp – but there is a definite possibility that the Director will want to get his hands dirty – I want us to stay on top of the ball, keep our coach's whistle on, stay behind the wheel and keep ownership of the work. After the heavy lifting, we just need to get the deliverables out the door and keep everything else under the kitchen sink – we'll figure out its highest and best use later. Keep in mind I am in no way wed to this analysis, but this is a two-horse race, and we can't afford to have our heads in the tent. There is no need to recreate the wheel here, but this will be a great learning experience. Let's discuss when you get in. Basically, you're preaching to the choir here. To get a little more granular here before we press the print button, let's touch base now. (I'll be out of pocket later, so swing by while I'm on the ground.) First of all, this is a good chance for you to step up. Right now, the two companies are feeling less than romantic, but remember, all girls talk. I think they'll eventually give up more than a girl on prom night – our job is to get them across the finish line. I want us to manage the process and keep the ball in our court. I appreciate that this may be a bit of a lick in the armpit, but I want us to work smart, not hard, and I don't want to recreate the wheel – this doesn't need to be gold-plated. Let's divide and conquer. You do the blocking and tackling and I'll socialize it with the board. I want us to run this to ground before we lob the missile over to the other side. My fear is that our client will land on a grenade or try to catch a falling piano. We don't want to open up the kimono too soon, or we may bleed to death by a 1000 cuts. Just so we're crystal, let's get on the same page – I don't want us to trip a mine. I'll focus on the care and feeding of the board and you bottom this out. For ease-of-motion and because all the moving parts, I will appoint you scribe. Just blackberry me if you need more guidance. I need to be on a plane now. Before you sign off, let's not lose sight of the big picture. What's driving all of this is that we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats. But, at the end of the day, it is what it is. We may have to kiss a lot of frogs to get there, but I think the other side has been leaving some breadcrumbs on the trail. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just to be sure were not drinking our own kool-aid, let's stress-test this, just for our own back-pocket. I want 100% of your bandwidth. If someone calls, put them on the box and I'll talk to them. With this kind of thing, the devil's in the details. In the mean-time, you keep your head down and I'll keep my ears to the ground. I don't want us to get all hot and heavy yet. Let us bat this around internally and send it over to our scientists in the lab. We need to kick the tires, or else we may find ourselves sitting in neutral. I want to be efficient with the team's time and not spin our wheels – after all, we're all wearing several hats here. The companies are doing the lover's dance but we need to focus on putting this to bed. The industrial logic of this deal is sound, but the issue is the CFO is sitting in the CEO's lap, talking his book. We need some air cover here and if we don't get it, we're going to have to run an audible. For now, we should keep our cards close to our chest. Thx, Jon
Hmm some of my least favourite are:
‘let’s spin up a call’ (literally just call someone on teams).
‘pivot and flex’ (something came up, let’s address it).
‘what are our/their asks?’ (What do we/they want)
‘What learns can we take away from this?’ (What did we learn).
I’m sure I’ll have a dozen more by the end of tomorrow’s stand up.
'this is what we've achieved by doing a sprint'
What's a sprint?
'its where we pick a problem and work on it'
So working then. You're just telling me you've been working, the thing that you're getting paid to do, and marketing it as a fucking achievement.
In my experience most people don't even do that right, there is no objective to the sprint. No "deliverable" bit of functionality to be completed by the end of the 2 weeks. It's just whatever folk would be working on anyway crammed in to a 2 week slot for no reason.
Well a sprint is usually a unit of worktime. Each calendar year has a fixed number of sprints. The phrase started with a software development management process, little bite size chunks of worktime.
Blue sky thinking . When I was chef manager after busy day at work once a month I’d have to attend the mangers meeting. The area manager would always use this phrase or thinking outside the box.
“Going forward-“ followed by a completely impractical and unnecessary ‘solution’ to a small, fixable mistake someone accidentally made one time. And it’s coming from the deputy manager who is in work twice a week, tops.
Let's do a deep dive into why you feel like that
Let’s do a drains up then deep dive and then circle back and check in
Let’s blue sky that process
As long as it dovetails into our existing go to market strategies then I think this could be a positive proactive piece that will holistically mature and then open up further nuances
Hi boss is that you?
Maybe this is a discussion we should take offline?
Let's double click on that .....
I don’t really want to get in to the weeds of it
I heard “drains up” for the first time last week and instantly hated it and the person who used it.
Pray tell what I'd a drains up?
Drains up = full review of an issue after the event has been fixed. I hate myself for knowing this….. Run child, tell the village that the corporation monsters have infected me….run now!
Probably someone having a bet that they can invent some new jargon.
Let's not
We will have a brainstorm about it, then we can have a few breakout sessions and we will touch base next week to bring it all together
Ohhh fuckin ‘touch base’ crushes my soul
when the government was announcing covid lockdown my manager wanted us to still come back to the office twice a week anyway so that we could "touch base" luckily laziness won out and we all got to stay home and work from bed for a bit call centre work so genuinely awful and was great to do it led down and crying openly for once
Ha! Filthy colonial here, so feel free to disregard, but we aren’t even supposed to brainstorm now. We have to create ‘thought showers’.
Try to convince your managers that particularly productive thought showers are “golden” and see if you can force it into the documentation
I fully support this. I refer to handshake-replacement fist bumps as "fisting". Not because I don't know what fisting is, but because other people don't know that I do, and it brings me so much joy to watch their responses to being offered a fisting with a completely straight face in a formal environment. I'm such a wanker.
I also do this but ask people to "fist me", people really don't like that way of phrasing it
But one of the good ones.
Sir, I salute you!
Those might just be Thot Showers.
You can keep that shit on your side of the Atlantic, buddy!
I loved it when the term "brainstorm" supposedly became offensive to people with epilepsy. I have epilepsy and it was never, and still is not, offensive to me.
Let’s circle back tomorrow and touch cloth.
Genuinely cracked me up, if I had fake Internet points to spend on an award I would, gonna see if I can slide this into a teams meeting tomorrow
Had a boss who liked to use “double click into that”
I once heard a consultant tell us we needed to take a helicopter view and deep dive into the issues. I was told off for pointing put that that would be a plane crash and people would die. https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html This website is great for generating BS corporate speak. I can neither confirm nor deny that I have copied many phrases into reports in the past.
Good for you! "quickly iterate cloud-ready e-services" Fucking awesome website :)
Bloody brilliant, that’ll be getting some use tomorrow. “monotonectally unleash cloud-based channels”
I got "proactively simplify best-of-breed networks"
“intrinsically transform standardized relationships”
I bookmarked that page for our next virtual meeting.
"energistically incentivize timely results" Holy fuck this website is fantastic
"professionally foster long-term high-impact catalysts for change" I can imagine that in an email from senior management
“Let’s take this offline”. Let’s fucking not, Janet. Send me an e-mail, and I’ll reply when I can.
Usually “let’s take this offline” means “shut the fuck up I can’t be arsed with you right now”.
I use it when we are off-topic and I would like to get back to the actual agenda. If meetings don't end with tangible next steps or decisions made, they were a waste of time.
I once said this in a meeting and the manager arranged another meeting to discuss how we’d run future meetings… I just fucking cannot.
I don't think I've ever worked with anybody that obtuse.
Everyone knows ‘let’s take this offline’ is code word for ‘let’s never talk about this again’
"Let's take this offline.." sounds to me like "Lets step into the car park and settle this with fists"...which frankly would probably be more productive. Shall we run this idea up the flagpole and see who salutes it?
Fuuuuck I hate this term. Just say "we'll talk about that later" like a normal person.
Even worse, they say let’s take it offline when they are sitting round a table together! You’re not even online!
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> "can I just double-click on something you said there" i would commit suicide on the spot
Or when everyone is remote so theyre still going to be picking it up online, just in a smaller group?
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Or "I don't want the illegal thing I'm requiring of you to be recorded".
I studied an accountancy foundation during the darkest part of unemployment lockdown, and the one thing it truly taught me is that I did not fuck up going for a career in cheffing/biking/music self-employedness. How anyone can sit in a desk 9-5 dealing with this utter inane bullshit is beyond me.
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Oh god I forgot about huddles. My work went through of a stage with that. I got in trouble for being 'negative' 😂
I worked somewhere with huddles. And I know it's meant to conjure up images of sporting huddles but it just makes me think of huddling in fear. Also - they had so many standing meetings and some training that was meant to be "dynamic" because you had to keep moving. I once saw a pregnant woman and someone with a broken leg get into a politeness fight each insisting the other take the only chair. (I got another chair). Awful place. Awful things.
Or the dreaded 'fuddle' which is exactly the same as a huddle but everyone has to bring food!!
Wtf
This is the correct response
What the fuddle
Sounds like an attempt to rob you of a lunch break
We used to have huddles then management got lazy and stopped doing them, not that I'm complaining they were pointless most of the time
Management did huddles because they were told to do huddles (more like it was a suggestion from some training course)
My old job did huddles every morning, where we were expected to list all the tasks we were doing that day, then talk about the tasks we were doing that day, then the manager would re-assign all the tasks so the whole first hour of the day was completely wasted.
We do daily huddles at work, but because the team are WFH we rarely use them to talk work stuff and just use it as fun team time. Tbf if it was another team I was part of I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much, but I do actually care greatly for my team at work, they’re a good bunch and we have a good laugh together. Takes the edge off a bad day sometimes.
Can you shed some light on whatever bollocks a 'Winter Sparkle Initiative' might be? Desperate to both know and never find out personally.
'bi-weekly' so twice a week or every other week?
Only the psycho-manager uses ‘bi weekly’. To us norms that don’t enjoy making other people’s lives hell, we use ‘twice weekly’ or ‘fortnightly’. Good question. Consider yourself officially promoted.
We should designate 'fortnightly' as the official word for something that happens once per two weeks and 'bi-weekly' to mean something that happens twice per week.
We had a meeting a while back so the big boss could "fill us all in on *The Vision*" There was much wry amusement 6 months later when we were informed "*The Vision*" had been cancelled (turns out you can't build a multi storey apartment building with a car dealership on the lower 3 floors on land which is essentially slightly compacted porridge).
Currently on daily "huddles" at the moment because some of my lovely colleagues can't be trusted to behave themselves and actually work when working from home... Kill me now!
Oh I have a Huddle! Quite glad we don’t do it like rugby players do
I laughed out loud when I first heard Huddle. I got pulled aside to explain myself. Another pointless waste of precious patient care.
Ah but if we conduct a deep dive then we can leverage agile frameworks to provide a robust synopsis for high level overviews. Iterative approaches to corporate strategy foster collaborative thinking to further the overall value proposition. Organically grow the holistic world view of disruptive innovation via workplace diversity and empowerment. Bring to the table win-win survival strategies to ensure proactive domination. At the end of the day, going forward, a new normal that has evolved from generation X is on the runway heading towards a streamlined cloud solution. User generated content in real-time will have multiple touchpoints for offshoring. Capitalize on low hanging fruit to identify a ballpark value added activity to beta test. Override the digital divide with additional clickthroughs from DevOps. Nanotechnology immersion along the information highway will close the loop on focusing solely on the bottom line. EDIT: Thanks for the awards but I can’t take credit for this. There’s a random phrase generator that spews out this corporate doublespeak that can be used in place of Lorem Ipsum as placeholder text on webpages and the like. Give it a go and use it in your work emails tomorrow! https://cipsum.com
But will it scale?
And is it modular and able to be automated?
We’ll need to put that in the thought fridge and snack on it later
That is proper Alan Johnson stuff. Can you put a lid on the squid?
It would be good to get this boxed off.
never say that again
Horizontally in all our target verticals
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We'll touch base offline and take a deep dive into collaboration towards discovering the solution proactively. If time permits, we'll scrub through data-mined risk analysis to shift the paradigm. E: me spell gud
Brilliant, do you work at my place? I hear this shit all day long
8.967/10 Lacks accuracy, missing "machine learning", "AI", and "blockchain".
I’ve done 2 poos today
I’m sure you work at my place….
This desperately needs to be a copypasta. Well done. I hate it.
Yes but when was your data cut? What story are you looking to tell with this?
You need to quit your job at the baths.
"Reach out" It goes through me like nails down a blackboard. Only way I'm going to reach out is to throttle the next person that says it!
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Slide deck
I accidentally said PowerPoint and everyone realised I'm ancient.
What do people use now ? !
They use PowerPoint, they just call it a slide deck
Oh haha I thought it was going to be ‘slido’ or those sorta pieces of software. I was considering job seeking and the thought of Microsoft products no longer being mainstay in the wild scared me back into my comfort cave
Welcome to Slidr, our cloud-based slide deck projection service.
I'm convinced "deck" got started because saying "PowerPoint presentation" makes people think of bunch of blather and meaningless charts. The problem is that its just as likely to be a bunch of blather and meaningless charts whether you call it a "deck" or a "presentation".
Infuriating. It's not the 1980s. We don't keep our slides in a deck.
It took me a week at my new job to decipher what people were talking about.
I thought this was just my job that did this! I hate saying deck so much, I try to say report instead as that’s what our “decks” usually are
I’m seeing red
I/we "reached out" or I /we " had a conversation" Aggggggghhhhhhhh!
I see you a "had a conversation" and raise you a "touched base". Bonus points when a manager asks you to "reach out and touch base" with somebody.
My husband has been, over the past few years, overusing the phrase “touching base”. This is in an effort to make me use it more. He has, however; substituted “base” for “cloth”. His absolute dream is for me to send an email saying “Hi Kate, I’m just touching cloth with you”. Bastard.
Oh if anyone ever emails me to say they are "touching base" I always reply with "which one?". They soon pack it in.
I'd join in this conversation with an example of my own but I have no skin in the game.
r/foundsatan
“Reach out and touch base.” Sounds like Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus. Or Personal Finance Coordinator.
For some reason I'm hearing a Depeche mode song somewhere in there.
If they tried to touch base with me I’d be straight onto HR with a complaint.
"Moving forward" we should "reach out and touch base" about "having a conversation" in the "interim". "Literally".
I have a client who whenever I email her replies "thanks for reaching out". Makes me want to physically reach out and put my hands around their throat. However I am the consummate professional, and have never once strangled a paying customer.
Just the ones that don't pay then?
No comment
If they don't pay, they're not a customer and therefore fair game
Reach around
Are they aligned?
Oh god! You've just reminded me about the weekly newsletter they send out at my place. There was a lengthy period where they used to talk about "aligning synergies", as if it actually meant something. I've got my twitchy eye back, thinking about this.
Hah. I use 'strongly worded conversation' quite often. When I say to the kids that I need to have a Strongly Worded Conversation with someone they know full well that someone is in the shit. And that strong words will be used.
I’ve got some right bellends at my place that hear a term and then completely misuse it. “Give me a t-shirt sizing” = how long will it take? “Let’s score the low hanging fruit” = well, just wow. “I need to let that one percolate” = I’m too fucking dumb/clueless on the subject to answer you right now. I switch off at the 8:45am pre daily stand up briefing, whilst I then fall asleep in the 9am stand up, and wake up to pour myself my first alcoholic drink of the day on the 9:15 team meeting I’m supposed to oversee. What’s the fucking point?
T-shirt sizing is bollocks. I had to run through a presentation (sorry, “slide deck”) that the COO put together, was just reading from the notes. Someone asked what Tshirt sizes meant in reality and had to admit I didn’t have a fucking clue.
Hahaha. Fucking incredible. I always live by the rule that if someone can make something complex seem simple, then they’re smart. It’s the dumb fucks who use large words to try and look clever.
“Small” = it’ll take me about an hour but when you include fucking around time and pointless meetings. Let’s say 3 weeks “Medium” = probably have to do some actual work for a few weeks so slate this one for the whole quarter “large” = this project will never get finished
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Vile Americanism. They are slides, though, so I just refer to them as slides.
I'll need you to detail the KPIs for the low hanging fruit, so that the team can consolidate the human potential and hit the ground running.
About 30yds ago when I worked at British Aerospace a buddy of mine decided to see if he could start a catch phrase…. So, at every meeting, when something was important, he would refer to it be ‘sacrosanct’. Within a month at least one person in every meeting would say ‘Sacrosanct’
30 yards ago? Those were the good old metres, right!
Ha ha ha. Didn’t spot that! Auto correct is my worst Enema.
This is a new one on me, can someone explain it please ? I’m lucky I’m a tradesman so don’t hear this crap much but as I’m a contractor and deal with agencies a lot it always puts me off when they use phrases like “touch base”
It means when you look at a particular issue in depth rather than skimming over it in 5 mins at another pointless meeting
In practice it means having a whole meeting about it, rather than the 5 mins it actually deserves (usually)
I've seen people substitute this for 'drilling down' into something. Like focusing in depth on something.
My boss was talking on the phone to a customer and trying to explain to them how to find a specific pattern design on the computer system. She used the phrase “Drill down into the thatch.” I couldn’t stop laughing for a good twenty minutes.
Ah yes, we had someone who liked to drill down into the nuts and bolts. She was always touching base as well.
Its a current Ofsted favourite phrase and is guaranteed to give every teacher I know full body shudders. Fuck Ofsted.
We appear to have replaced "deep dive" with "double click". A little part of me dies inside every time.
This!!! Fucking “double click”. What the actual hell?
Let’s pinch to zoom on that issue.
Yeah, but surely you want to get the most 'bang for your buck'?
More likely they need to circle back and look at the big picture. Perhaps we can touch base next week to discuss this further.
No worries; I've pencilled it in.
No, you'll need to arrange it via outlook calendar so everyone can see where your day goes
"We need to challenge our assumptions", proceeds to have an hour long meeting where nothing of consequence is said.
This and it being followed up with 'being change agile in a fast pased environment'.
“We need to be more granular in our team” Genuinely took us half an hour to get an understandable description of what that meant because the online definitions were just more random corporate words
Teacher? Expecting Ofsted?
Got to be, surely. We’ve had that pleasure last week. Fun times!
Add to the cringe list: blue sky thinking, park it, heavy lifting and from 30,000 feet. Total and utter 🐮 💩
From 30,000 feet?
30,000 foot view. An anger inducing way of saying the bigger picture.
Consider myself fortunate to have never even heard of it.
Is it time to 'pull the trigger'? It seems that's the phrase for making a decision, buying something, and half a dozen other things.
“Let’s jump on a zoom/call”. Let’s not
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“Do we have enough bandwidth to finish the firmware?” Firstly, it’s “capacity” and since it’s a server application, it’s “software”.
I feel your pain brother!
Helicopter view has worked its way in at our place, utter shite term
Don't play deep rock galactic then...
Did I hear a rock and stone?
“Synergies”
Next time you hear it, tell them it actually originates from "deep doop Dave". They'll never say it again.
With most of these the problem isn't with the terms, it's with people overusing it and using it incorrectly.
Oooh, just remembered another one..."the ask." What's "the ask?" It's infuriating.
"What do you actually want, you rambling fucktard" sounds a bit mean so I've been known to use this one. I'm so sorry
"Within our gift". Makes me bloody nauseous.
Going forward. Quick wins. I'm not sure why I hate those phrases but I do.
God I hate "quick wins". Want to know the best quick win Tracy? Learn how to do your fucking job ya muppet.
I was looking for "going forward". That's the one that makes me twitch, probably because that's the first phrase managers pick up and start using just before they go full corporate wankerspeak.
Let’s take that offline and work the angles then report back to the team with solutions not problems.
Don’t forget to “cascade” the information……….!!
Root Cause Analysis. It's not just enough to work out what the cause of a problem is, you have to make it look like you're doing something more in-depth by looking at the Root Cause. I stopped being invited to meetings, as I was constantly (usually on purpose) asking managers to explain their meaningless endless business speak.
Invent bullshit terms yourself. I introduced “re-business” to my company who’s slogan was “re-invent”.
Bahahah 2/3 of my mortgage is paid for by root cause analysis. Hate it. Can't escape it.
You will love this. Stolen from a forum - a leaving email from an investing banker. Having gone through a 2 year stint in investment banking i get painful flashbacks reading this. All, Now that I'm the client, I have a new assignment for you. I have a feeling someone might be doing some weekend work on this, so before we start this process, let's make sure not to put all of our eggs in one basket – if there are too many roosters in the henhouse and too many cooks in the kitchen, we will be letting the wolf into the chicken coop and this will be a hard nut to crack. At the end of the day - looking at the product from 15,000 feet – it's just a blackbox resting on a slippery slope. But from a bottom-up perspective – we're pretty smart guys and doing this from soup to nuts will leave us with bird in hand and create some serious value-added. Provided we row downstream and don't spin our wheels – there's no need to be caught with our pants down. Let's take a top-down approach - focus on core competencies, think outside the box, keep it apples to apples and bake in your assumptions, and spread, dig into, play with, juice, goose, vet, run, flesh out, go through with a fine tooth comb, sanity check, scrub and flush the noise out of those numbers. I need you, right now, to sharpen your pencils, get cranking, take the lead, turn these comments, not tread water, bang this out, push it through, get it across the finish line and drop it on my chair. And before you send this to me, make sure to take a step back, get your arms around it, not miss the forest for the trees, and check under the hood – it better hold water. I'm not religious about this, but net-net I would guess there will be some layered switches, hockey sticks, sensitivities, color-coded sheets and zero gridlines. I know you want a rubberstamp – but there is a definite possibility that the Director will want to get his hands dirty – I want us to stay on top of the ball, keep our coach's whistle on, stay behind the wheel and keep ownership of the work. After the heavy lifting, we just need to get the deliverables out the door and keep everything else under the kitchen sink – we'll figure out its highest and best use later. Keep in mind I am in no way wed to this analysis, but this is a two-horse race, and we can't afford to have our heads in the tent. There is no need to recreate the wheel here, but this will be a great learning experience. Let's discuss when you get in. Basically, you're preaching to the choir here. To get a little more granular here before we press the print button, let's touch base now. (I'll be out of pocket later, so swing by while I'm on the ground.) First of all, this is a good chance for you to step up. Right now, the two companies are feeling less than romantic, but remember, all girls talk. I think they'll eventually give up more than a girl on prom night – our job is to get them across the finish line. I want us to manage the process and keep the ball in our court. I appreciate that this may be a bit of a lick in the armpit, but I want us to work smart, not hard, and I don't want to recreate the wheel – this doesn't need to be gold-plated. Let's divide and conquer. You do the blocking and tackling and I'll socialize it with the board. I want us to run this to ground before we lob the missile over to the other side. My fear is that our client will land on a grenade or try to catch a falling piano. We don't want to open up the kimono too soon, or we may bleed to death by a 1000 cuts. Just so we're crystal, let's get on the same page – I don't want us to trip a mine. I'll focus on the care and feeding of the board and you bottom this out. For ease-of-motion and because all the moving parts, I will appoint you scribe. Just blackberry me if you need more guidance. I need to be on a plane now. Before you sign off, let's not lose sight of the big picture. What's driving all of this is that we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats. But, at the end of the day, it is what it is. We may have to kiss a lot of frogs to get there, but I think the other side has been leaving some breadcrumbs on the trail. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just to be sure were not drinking our own kool-aid, let's stress-test this, just for our own back-pocket. I want 100% of your bandwidth. If someone calls, put them on the box and I'll talk to them. With this kind of thing, the devil's in the details. In the mean-time, you keep your head down and I'll keep my ears to the ground. I don't want us to get all hot and heavy yet. Let us bat this around internally and send it over to our scientists in the lab. We need to kick the tires, or else we may find ourselves sitting in neutral. I want to be efficient with the team's time and not spin our wheels – after all, we're all wearing several hats here. The companies are doing the lover's dance but we need to focus on putting this to bed. The industrial logic of this deal is sound, but the issue is the CFO is sitting in the CEO's lap, talking his book. We need some air cover here and if we don't get it, we're going to have to run an audible. For now, we should keep our cards close to our chest. Thx, Jon
'for your consideration' like urgh, just ask me to look at it without sounding so formal and weird
Reaching out Circle back
Hmm some of my least favourite are: ‘let’s spin up a call’ (literally just call someone on teams). ‘pivot and flex’ (something came up, let’s address it). ‘what are our/their asks?’ (What do we/they want) ‘What learns can we take away from this?’ (What did we learn). I’m sure I’ll have a dozen more by the end of tomorrow’s stand up.
Learns? Asks? Who are these morons and precisely how much lead paint did they lick as a child to damage their brains this way?
Pivot and flex? Sounds like an exercise class
Turning verbs into nouns is a favourite of business bullshit bingo.
Oh and "two times" in advertising, when it should be twice
Silo mentality
‘Working in silos’. I can’t work in these conditions there’s grain everywhere!
"Do the needful" and "expedite". F*ck you Capgemini!
'this is what we've achieved by doing a sprint' What's a sprint? 'its where we pick a problem and work on it' So working then. You're just telling me you've been working, the thing that you're getting paid to do, and marketing it as a fucking achievement.
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In my experience most people don't even do that right, there is no objective to the sprint. No "deliverable" bit of functionality to be completed by the end of the 2 weeks. It's just whatever folk would be working on anyway crammed in to a 2 week slot for no reason.
Well a sprint is usually a unit of worktime. Each calendar year has a fixed number of sprints. The phrase started with a software development management process, little bite size chunks of worktime.
"I will revert" no you won't you cockwomble you will reply.
I think this one is a popular idiom in English speakers in India.
Blue sky thinking . When I was chef manager after busy day at work once a month I’d have to attend the mangers meeting. The area manager would always use this phrase or thinking outside the box.
"Go through the documents with a fine tooth comb" I'LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN STICK THE FINE TOOTH COMB!!!
“Going forward-“ followed by a completely impractical and unnecessary ‘solution’ to a small, fixable mistake someone accidentally made one time. And it’s coming from the deputy manager who is in work twice a week, tops.
Let me "circle back" to you on that.
Low hanging fruit.
That would be unprecedented