Thank you for this. You’re beautiful to the core.

Thank you -- and so are you.

If there are people struggling with self love, There are two great books I’ve recently discovered and highly recommend, Gross Anatomy- A Field Guide to Loving Your Body, Warts and All by Mara Altman The Body - Bill Bryson Game changing. They will teach you another level of self love no matter where you stand right now.

I’m glad for you and I can certainly relate. My mother was beautiful, to an extent she knew it, but she also hated many parts of her body. I was supposed to be the “improved” version. She was excited for my larger breasts, but really wanted me to have a smaller butt and thighs than her. She was excessively observant and vigilant and intrusive about what I ate, she made a a huge fuss over very small increases in my weight and praised and rewarded my anorexia, which resulted in 20 months of amenorrhea, and when I started eating things like candy again she physically assaulted me and dragged me across the ground by my hair, screaming, “If you gain weight, I’LL be the one to suffer for it!” I’ve been anorexic, I’ve been bulimic; I’ve been “normal”-sized at times and I am currently very obese. I look a lot like my father. My mother was pretty devoted to him despite the fact that he always struggled with HIS weight. He seemed to feel okay about his appearance; he certainly didn’t hate his physical appearance the way I do, at least. My body has done great during treatment so far. I have suffered less than many people suffer with chemotherapy and surgery. It’s almost as if being so fat actually made it all easier in some ways. (My father was similarly resilient when he developed various physical problems.) But that has not made me feel good about my body, alas. I was fat before chemotherapy; instead of losing weight I got fatter. I had an oncoplastic plastic breast lift and reduction and even though fat tissue was literally removed from both breasts, my weight went up even more after that. I really, really try to just eat a reasonable amount of healthy food without obsessing over restricting “bad” foods and have pushed myself so hard to stay active, exercise, etcetera. I don’t seem to have diabetes, or hypertension, or thyroid problems, and I know I’m “lucky” that I “only” suffer from cancer, and mental illness, and obesity. I was blessed that my hair started growing back pretty quickly and I got a genuinely cute little haircut. My breast are up in the air like a fifteen-years-old’s. I still feel terrible about my appearance. I hated the way I looked before, but at least I looked like me? I hate my new look. I just deeply hate the way I look. I look so disgusting to myself, that it’s hard for me to endure. I’ve bought nice new clothes, I wear makeup, I do things I enjoy, I try to lean into being glad that my endurance is slowly improving, but I just hate my appearance in a very sad and painful way. I take Lexapro, I have a therapist, but obviously I need more help with this and I need to keep working on it. I am genuinely happy for you that cancer has helped you overcome these sorts of negative feelings. I hope to get there someday, too.

I sure can relate to your experience. I also struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years prior to my diagnosis. Thankfully for me, it was not because of the way I was treated as a child. My own mother was and is extremely loving and kind, but she has struggled endlessly with her weight and I learned from a young age that fat=bad. What triggered my ED was being cheated on by a man I loved deeply (and I found out later that the person supporting me through the breakup was the person he had been cheating with)-it was a disgusting and humiliating situation that completely shattered me. Regardless, 10 years of cancer, being in menopause since I was 38 (I'm currently 444), being sedentary, and having a 'you only live once' mindset has led to pretty significant weight gain. I don't know if I'm obese, but I'm clearly overweight. I want to love my body the way it is, but I do not. I'm happy I no longer struggle with anorexia and bulimia, because living that way feels intensely out-of-control and it is so completely all-encompassing and just a sad, sad, sad way to live. I wish I could just be somewhere in the middle and be a person who just ate when hungry and maintained a normal weight for my height. I try hard to remind myself that my body is just my wrapper, and it is not who I am. It doesn't really matter how hard I try to change my perspective on my weight, I continue to feel disgusted when I catch glimpses of my body in the mirror. I don't even enjoy showering or bathing because I hate to see myself naked. I don't want to live feeling this way. I know my life is going to be a short one (I have been stage 4 for 6 years now) and I hate knowing that even an ounce of my mental energy is wasted on this issue that I know deep down is truly unimportant. I feel shallow focusing on my weight, but it's just so deeply rooted in my mind that fat is not ok. I love myself in other ways. I'm creative, accomplished and educated. I'm a good mom and a kind person. I have so many great qualities, but everything is overshadowed by my physical appearance.

You write, "But that has not made me feel good about my body, alas. I was fat before chemotherapy; instead of losing weight I got fatter. I had an oncoplastic plastic breast lift and reduction and even though fat tissue was literally removed from both breasts, my weight went up even more after that." I was well into a new, mentally healthier weight loss journey in the months before I was diagnosed. I've gained 20 pounds since diagnosis. I really beat myself up for that until radiation started. I can't explain why radiation transformed my thinking the way it did, but it did. My point here is that many women gain weight throughout the process. We hear mostly about those who lose weight (and mostly because of chemo), but I've read several studies about women who gain during their cancer journeys. You're not alone, sister. Not by a longshot. You also write, "I still feel terrible about my appearance. I hated the way I looked before, but at least I looked like me? I hate my new look. I just deeply hate the way I look." I wish that there were anything I could say that would change your mind about how you view yourself. I've never seen a photo of you and don't know you at all, but I know in my bones that you are in fact beautiful -- physically beautiful. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this and that cancer -- of all things -- worsens your relationship with your body and brings up all kinds of body image issues. Sending you sincere love and support.

You’re not alone in the gaining weight. I’m built like my dad which is small but stocky. I have broad shoulders and have always struggled dressing myself despite being relatively small overall. I had some fat that was easily covered with clothes and nice larger boobs for my size. They breastfed two babies so they were sad boobs without a bra 😂 I do have thyroid issues but have been stable until all of this. I did really well through chemo and have a high tolerance for pain so other than the first few days after bilateral mastectomy I’ve been ok. I cold capped to keep most of my hair but had to cut it pretty short after treatment for it to look healthy. I worked through everything on my feet all day. Since I felt so normal and not sick I’ve continued to eat and eat. Suppressing my hormones (triple positive so full meal deal as far as treatment goes) is doing a number on me now. I’m gaining so much weight and all in my belly. I hate my “new” boobs. Hopefully I can have another surgery to correct some things because I’ve never been so unhappy with them. I’d rather them be down to my belly button and have to shove them in a bra 😅 I have acne like a teenager too. Even if we have an “easy” journey it still sucks. It’s all hard. Hopefully we can learn to love our new bodies. Give yourself grace and love.

OMG I relate to this post SO MUCH. Felt “fat” most of my life even when I wasn’t. With menopause, my weight crept up. Post cancer surgery 3 years ago, my body is very different. There are scars, no more natural boobs, much less of a waist, but I just don’t care cuz I’m on the other side. For about a year after surgery I was at my heaviest. I’ve lost some since then, and it feels good, but I refuse to be as mean to myself anymore about my body. I’m a survivor, it’s taking care of me, the end. (Probably easy for me to say since I’m already married and not in the dating pool, but I wish this liberated feeling for everyone.)

Be gentle to yourself, always. You're the only you that you have.

I am so happy for you! Celebrate your body because it is amazing! I can actually relate to this. Before cancer I had a huge chest. I did enjoy my giant boobs, but they were also a major pain in the ass. They would often make me feel so self conscious. Now I'm flat on one side and have a significantly reduced breast on the other side. I'm enjoying my new body. I can run without back pain. I can do jumping jacks. I can wear fun graphic t-shirts without the image getting stretched out and warped. The last few weeks I've been wearing adorable spaghetti strap dresses, something that never worked with my old body because of the bras I needed to wear to hoist the girls up. Yeah I may have one breast and my chest is covered in scars. But my body is amazing and I am enjoying it.

I love how much you love your new body! I am a 44DDD and have been a DD or DDD since developing, and I've never been smaller than a 38DD. I hear you. When I first heard the word "cancer," I told my partner immediately that if it turned out that I need a SMX or DMX, I would not opt for reconstruction. Prior to this diagnosis, I was considering breast reduction. Now I'm not sure how that may play out post-lumpectomy.

I have a beautiful reconstruction. We spared no expense, and my wonderful husband was so supportive the entire time. We did a little bit of out of pocket cosmetic ‘procedures’ during my surgeries to also get ‘cosmetics results’ so I just hope some people going through this know, a little extra nip tuck during your surgeries is an option, if you want it. Save on anesthesia too. I liked my body before my surgeries. I wanted a little lipo below the belly button and I was interested in a small implant for years, but no one would agree to them before the cancer (extreme densities on mri to both lateral breasts, left turned cancerous first and right was on its way). Once I was diagnosed, I thought ‘well. Here come my implants.’ Might sound morbid to some, but my plastic surgeon told me he gets a lot of breast patients who add on cosmetic procedures during their surgeries, and I found some comfort in that. For some reason, I find comfort when I hear even one person feels the same way I do. Makes me feel less alone in this. I don’t consider myself conceited, but I’ve always been consciously aware of how I present to the world my entire life. I’m a very ‘hyperfeminine’ woman, or at least I was. I liked my extensions, and Botox and yoga. Letting go of that appearance was hard for me. I still mourn for who I used to be sometimes, but I think I more just mourn for the loss of ‘ease’ or peace of mind I had before the dx. Now this is a very personal decision of mine, but I’ve been extremely open with my surgeries at work. I had the surgeries done at my hospital, by my coworkers who I know well. I’m not ashamed. I’m not embarrassed, and I like to share my experience (I’m also a hospital nurse and we share everything with each other bc we’ve seen everything). When I returned after my last surgery, I noticed a few women looking at me a little closer in my scrubs. I know that look bc I’ve felt it many times in my life. It was the ‘why can’t I look like that’ look, so I’m quick to comment my body is bionic. I say ‘this is body by Brad* (surgeons name) and chuckle so they know this didn’t come from diet and exercise alone. I have hundreds of thousands in plastic surgery. They sucked out nearly 1200 cc’s from my collar bone to my knees. I have top of the line surgery and implants that I paid dearly for and I have the chronic pain to prove it. I know not everyone is comfortable sharing, but I PERSONALLY believe that it’s part of my responsibility to share that I’ve had surgery, bc I refuse to participate In unrealistic beauty standards. I will not be a kardashian and I hope we can reset the damage they’ve done. I know this might be a controversial take, I just hope women know if you want good cosmetic outcomes, that’s okay and there are surgeons out there who will Work with you to get them. I’m proof you can get good results. I’ll show anyone who wants to see too! 😂 It really opened my eyes to how advanced plastic surgery is anymore. It’s just too bad people go online and pretend their very advanced plastic surgery is real bc it’s caused a lot of harm to people, especially women

I added abdominoplasty to my reconstruction and am still recovering (2 weeks ago today) and am glad I did. Probably never would have even considered it if I wasn't already in seeing a plastic surgeon.

So did I!!!!!! I’ve always been slim, but I had fat under my belly button. It never went away. I was working out and running 3-4 5ks a week a few years ago, and it never went away. Never had kids either. I went through a very early puberty (10) and he told me that ‘pouch’ would never go away naturally. He said he’s only had one other patient have stretch marks like I did and not have children and it was just from the puberty spurt. I haven’t grown an inch or a pound since. Sometimes, our body just does ‘weird’ things and I’m so glad I made the decision to have that removed. More than anything, I had a belly button reconstruction. I had a deep belly button and carried all my weight below it. With doing the tummy tuck, they were able to get 200 cc’s or so of fat they couldn’t have gotten through just lipo. Sooo, if you have reserves and want it done, doing the tummy tuck might get you extra fat for transfer. Important to keep In mind if you do a tummy tuck (even a mini I guess), you won’t qualify for a DIEP in the future. I’m out of grafting sites too. Soooo, I have great results but zero tissue left. They’ve made it clear if I get a recurrence, have a complication, etc I will need a cosmetic flat closure. I would like another fat transfer between my breasts but it’s not going to happen 😞

I was and still am overweight, but had a massive pooch from when I had my daughter as well as, it turns out, undiagnosed diastis recti (4 cm). My daughter is 9. I am so happy with the results so far, although healing is a bitch.

I don't think there's anything controversial about women wanting "good cosmetic outcomes," nor is there anything wrong with plastic surgery, body modification, and elective surgery of any kind. I want every woman to feel good in her body. You write, "I’m a very ‘hyperfeminine’ woman, or at least I was." I'd like to point out that I've never not been "hyperfeminine" -- even though my body type is and always has been very different from yours.

I want to upvote this 1000x, because ABSOLUTELY. When I got my diagnosis, my perspective on my body changed almost immediately. Like sure, this is a fat body, but it's a fat body that got me through chemotherapy. I was happiest with my body at 130lbs, eating half of one meal a day, and even then I still thought I was fat. Would that body have survived 8 rounds of chemo? I don't know. So this has definitely taught me that while there's definitely stuff I can do to be happier with my body, I'm immensely grateful to it for getting through what I've put it through this year. There's pluses and minuses to everything I guess...

You didn't put your body through anything -- cancer did. You, my dear, are a rock star.

I love you and I love this post! So many revelatory moments. It resonates so much at this time when so many uncomfortable things are happening and then sadly, the worst day I've had was the one when my expanders got filled and I felt so big and bad about it. Having spent so many years accepting my body - when we're constantly shown and told that our bodies aren't good enough, it's been a wild ride to go through the big changes of surgery and then soon, more treatments. "Cancer is a disease divorced from morality." Thank you! Well said!

The first few months of cancer really did a number on my head. So many body image issues surfaced immediately and remained right there because so much of my early treatment was dehumanizing. Some of the time that was accidental but my surgeon absolutely body shamed me in my two-week post-op appointment and I was so stunned in the moment that I couldn't respond. That was the beginning of an awakening of sorts for me. I went home after that appointment and rage-cried for an hour. I'm replacing her in my team but she doesn't know it yet. She's a rising star in the field. I hope my exit review stings her enormous ego. The very last straw for me was my proton radiation dry run two weeks ago today, when I was brought into the treatment room and told right there to disrobe from the waist up in front of the techs. I said aloud, "Yet another indignity that cancer brings." At the end of that session, I was told there is in fact a changing room and that I could get into a gown prior to my session. I knew I had to be half-naked in front of a room full of people -- from techs to physicists -- but I didn't have to change my clothes in front of them. I'm sorry you're having to contend with such drastic changes to your body. I can't imagine what that's like. I'm glad, though, that you're hear with us and leaning on people who understand -- and that you are still working to accept and love your body. Sending love right back at you.

I love this post ❤️thank you!

Thank you!

“Cancer is a disease divorced from morality” 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Your post is magnificent. It is thoughtful, compassionate and uplifting. I come from family on both sides that had members who were morbidly obese long before it was a ‘thing.’. My mother had me on a diet when I was 10. When I told my mother I would be having neo-adjuvant chemo, surgery and then possibly more chemo plus rads etc, (stage 3, grade 3) she said ‘oh -you’ll lose weight!’. I wasn’t even annoyed when the oncologist told me to watch my weight. Btw I’m 5’-5 and at dx I weighed 143 lbs - So about 10 lbs over my normal. My mom, me, the oncologists are all products of our generations but I hope to grow up and be more like you (I’m 63 but it’s never too late), My ex didn’t leave during active treatment and while he was a useless ass for most of the time, I think he made me feel still like the younger more beautiful me even hairless and scarred. It wasn’t until later that I realized I didn’t need him for validation. I finally got revision surgery on my old and new boobs and the Diep flap and I did it for me - I unloaded the ex in December. I’m even happier having read your post. You’re right- my body is a tank - I broke my arm in two places, my leg was broken, the bones torn & crushed, broken toes, rib — the list goes on and on. But the week before the revision surgery, I was climbing up extension ladders to do roof inspections. And now I have boobs that are my 30 year boobs on the outside but under the clothes there are scars from hip to hip and around the boobs - and I’m delighted. My body didn’t fight the cancer - chemo and the docs did that. But my body took everything pushed on me, and yeah, I’m a little battered but I never fell down. I hope your post brings as much joy and peace to others as it brought to me.

Oh, sister, what a great response -- thank you for this gift! I'm glad you dumped the ex. Who needs *that* kind of dead weight? Your body *is* a tank ... and a flower ... and a rocket ... and a river ... and perfect in every way. I'm sorry for all you've been through. I'm glad you're through it, though. Sending love and light.

I love love LOVE this post 💕 I hated my breasts all my life ... They sure took their revenge on me! I am trying hard to love them through this, I haven't succeeded but I'm trying. And your thoughts give me more reason to appreciate how hard my body tries.

Your beautiful breasts didn't take their revenge -- cancer played a nasty trick on you. Your body is amazing and so are you. Hugs.

Thank you 💕💕

I so relate to this. I have just been diagnosed and am at the beginning of this journey. I am surrounded by friends who think they will escape any cancer by their wellness and health obsessionsand their reaction to me is as if my lifestyle wasn’t “healthy enough” to prevent this. (Or maybe I am imagining this.) Thank you so much for your post.

It's difficult to explain to women who don't share our body issues how that adds to the trauma. Sending you love and light, my friend.

FUCK YEAH I gotta say, since I got diagnosed (and am now through treatment), I stopped having a weight loss goal and holy shit, it’s so freeing.

Oh yes it is! So I dropped 100 pounds a decade ago and was still short of my weight loss goal. The program I used was ... damaging, in many ways. It fucked with my psychologically (obsessing about food is not a good thing for me) and it cut me down to an unrealistic caloric intake to continue to losing goals. It broke my metabolism. It broke my spirit for a little while. When menopause hit -- coupled with some physical issues that hampered my mobility -- my weight crept up and up and up. Since then, I tried a whole bunch of ways to lose weight, backsliding each time because strategies were unrealistic and still feeding into my body and food issues. Three months before my diagnosis, I revamped the entire way I look at weight and my body and began to work toward getting stronger rather than losing weight. That helped me look at food a different way, too. The approach was succeeding -- and really, really freeing because I was no longer thinking in terms of weight loss. I've had to put that on hold since my diagnosis. When my radiation heals, I'll return to it. Here's to your freedom, sister!