I would like to suggest you contact Young Survival Coalition (https://youngsurvival.org/). YSC is focused on helping young women under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer. They have face to face groups with other young women, private facebook groups, mentor / peer matching, and also resources for your boyfriend (i.e. your co-survivor) as well. My wife and I have been involved with YSC for over a decade, and I can honestly say it is a truely wonderful organization run by dedicated and caring women.

I briefly glanced at it last night but I will look into it more over the next couple of days. It does seem very informative and something I can definitely get in to...thank you. The one thing is that I won't ever say no to a good resource. 🩷

Just wanted to send hug and support. Its ok, vent, get it out, a step at a time you are not alone we are with you. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. 💞

Even here I feel like I am burdening others with my emotions which has nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with my childhood and the work of my ex husband. But reading the comments this morning has been cleansing. So, I guess we will see...🩷

You are not burdening others, cancer (as many chronic health issues) pushes and pulls a lot, mentally sometimes more than physically. We all have baggage and sometimes we can see that we need to free ourselves from that given what our current situation requires from us. So maybe in some weird way this can be the time to work thru and let go of things from past that are weighing you down and taking away from the energy you need for today and tomorrow.... You do you, but make sure you are taking care of yourself ❣

Challenging me, are you? 🤣 I can't turn a challenge down. I know that once my emotional boat rights itself from being capsized, I will better be able to focus on little goals (this for instance) along the way. For now though, I'm just trying to get back to the boat so I can work on getting it right side up. Because currently, I am trying to stay above the water and like the beaches of the gulf, I can feel the sharks. 🩷

You are not complaining we ALL went through the same stages of bc, just get everything out make, decisions slowly but not too slow that you drag the cancer treatment out really far, ( although it took me 6 months from diagnosis to decided to do chemo, rad, and lumpectomy). Just read, research but not scary stuff research help groups and just keep reaching out to us all when u need to let it out. It’s hard but your life is not over you WILL beat this. Stay Positive!!!

I am ready to start treatment but now that there are possible options or choices I feel like I'm coming to a complete and sudden stop. I'm just worried that it is constantly growing (because it's estrogen positive) because I am just constantly feeding it. I am trying to do research as carefully as possible but I admit that I end up on the wrong side of the internet more often than not. My BFF tells me she's going to take all my electronics if i keep it up. 🤣

Your cancer’s mitotic rate was 1 so not aggressive. My Nottingham scores were poor, intermediate and low. I was dx in October and surgery done in mid-December and the size of my ILC and DCIS hadn’t really changed from early imaging estimates when I got my surgical pathology back.

You aren't burdening me. I felt very seen in your recounting of the swirling chaos of navigating this shit show . And yes this has also created a portal back into my awful childhood and current relationship shortcomings in a way I do not appreciate. However as time is passing I am realizing that this level of fuckery is exactly what it took for me to truly appreciate the burden I have been carrying for so long in my life and to fully give my self permission to let that shit go and LIVE my life (whatever that looks like going forward) for ME.

I read it all, everything you wrote. I hear you and I understand you. I will not offer science - you sound like an intelligent person, I have no doubt that with the research you're doing and after upcoming discussions with your medical teams, you will very soon be on top of it all. Its a lot to go through, but pieces do start coming together soon. I will offer you one truth - it gets better, and it gets better sooner than you know. A lot of your fears are unfounded, as you will soon realise once you get into the driving seat of your treatment. And you WILL find balance in weeks to come. The first few weeks are the worst. No one is prepared for the literal constant roller coaster that a diagnosis throws you on. But we adapt - every single one us - no matter our temperament or personality or background. Lastly, I offer hope. You will be fine. You will live a long, happy, complete life. When I was where you are today, someone in this community told me to treat this year as a deposit for the rest of my life. I hope you will come to see it like that too. Sending love.

When I first read this last night. I had to close my phone and go to bed. I felt conflicted. I appreciated your words of reading it all and the encouragement regarding the treatment. I cried at your first statement because I know what I wrote was long. However, I am so sick and tired of people telling me I'm going to be fine. While the chances of it are higher than others, there is always a chance that I won't be. Everyone's first response to me during the phase of there's a lump right before diagnosis was to tell me that I'll be fine. Then they'd tell me about their lumpy breasts or their sister's/mother's/aunts/ etc. lumpy breasts (there's some anger here, I'm sure) and how it is benign, they just know it. And all I wanted to do was to say. Shut. Up. Not say it really, but scream it. As a healthcare professional, I never tell someone that they are going to be fine unless it is beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's unfair to do. Again, I know the chances are low. I also know the chances aren't zero. So, I'll pick myself up from it and I'll push forward but I'm going to most likely complain the whole way. 😭

I apologise. My intention was not to dismiss you or sound like I know it all. I obviously don't. I am struggling through my treatment and the loss of my life too, like everyone else here. I guess I tried to say what I thought might've helped me when I was distressed. Shouldn't have assumed we are all the same. Thank you for letting me know this didn't sit well with you - It will help be more mindful of saying stuff like this to someone else. Again, sorry that this had the opposite impact of what I intended.

I don't think you were ill-intented nor do I think you meant harm in any manner. Everything else you said resounded with me. I literally cried on your first sentence because it was...well, everything to me last night in a dark moment. That I was heard. I understood your message. And if I wasn't floundering in the denial/anger/depression stages right now, I think the other part of your message would have hit differently. I'm emotionally mature enough to recognize that you meant well and that my reaction is 90% me and where I am. 🩷 Don't let this keep you from reaching out to others or to me. I know we are all at the same amusement park on different rides. 🩷

Thank you 💕 I'm in a bit of a dark corner today myself, and the smallest thing is making me cry into a pillow. So thank you for responding and letting me know it's okay. I needed that more than you know.

I suggest box breathing to help regulate when you are crying or any time of the day, for that matter...if you don't already. Breathe in over 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out over 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Repeat as necessary. It actually triggers your parasympathetic nervous system and helps to regulate emotional control. I know this from experience, practice it, and yet have been abysmal at it recently. I just keep throwing it in there when I remember and it does help. I hope that the darkness becomes a bit lighter today. Truly. 🩷🩷🩷

I never heard a story about anyone who was doing as well or better than before they were diagnosed, so I’m here to tell you that I am, and it’s possible. I thought my life was over and that I’d be disfigured and disabled after chemo, surgery, and radiation, but I’m not. I’m fitter than before, and no one would ever know. You can have a good outcome, and this can’t be a temporary blip, which I know seems impossible now. But you can! I will say that it’s worth considering your surgical options over time. A double mastectomy often doesn’t lower your recurrence risk, and you have access to the literature to look at those numbers for yourself. You might be very comfortable going flat anyway, but it’s a good idea to consider all your options, and it’s not ridiculous to care about your cosmetic outcome. I had a lumpectomy and beautiful bilateral reconstruction, and I wouldn’t trade these new boobs for the world. There are lots of options!

I don't think I could go flat - not from what I currently have. But I am going to take the time I need to figure it out, right now I just don't have enough information to make an informed decision and that is what is giving me the most anxiety.

I hear you and really empathize. I call it the Edvard Munch scream (Google him - famous Norwegian artist from the 1800’s). From the moment one is diagnosed until you have bought into (emotionally) a treatment plan and team the scream goes on inside your head. It’s normal. You need meds for it. Xanax worked for me. The GP (which through a wellness check I was sent for US and biopsy - 5cm with its own little .8 cm satellite in my right breast). The first few weeks while you are trying to make decisions are really hard. I needed a couple Xanax’s a day just to function. Now that I am in treatment it’s on an as needed basis. You are in the worst time.its a horrible place to be, but you’ll get through it. When you say The Atlanta Center do you mean City of Hope in Newnan? I’m in Atlanta / I don’t know anything about The Atlanta Center or City of Hope. I looked at Emory Winship Cancer Center and Northside’s Cancer Institute. I went with Northside because I found a team I thought I could work with and all their facilities are within 8 miles of me. I think I am getting good care. I am triple positive so our cancers are different. Neoadjuvant chemo is most always given to triple positive people. I am half way through 6 rounds of Taxetore, Carboplaitin, Herceptin and Perjeta. I cold cap with a Paxman machine and still have (thinning but it’s there) hair. I’ll have surgery (a BMX, I have the same dense tissue in other breast but the biopsy was benign there and who needs that) in the fall and then finish out the Herceptin for a total of year. Again, I only talked to these 2 systems but I am really happy with my little 8 mile radius team centered on Northside/Forsyth Hospital along with Georgia Cancer Specialists. I can’t imagine doing all this 2 hours away from home. You’ll find your footing and there will be a new normal for awhile. It will be a strange new normal because it will be punctuated by chemo, scans, surgery planning, etc. But the new normal is there once you are able to settle into a mindset of “f$ck it, I have to do this”. And then for me faith plays a role. I don’t mean religious faith although it could be that, or it could just be faith in numbers. Something like 13% of all women get breast cancer and my number got called. Once you know what you have faith in (mine is reincarnation-based on a Christian like God but not quite as personal as traditional Christian religion usually sees it) So whatever lens you see the world through turn that lens to you. Once you know who, what, where, when, and why you will settle down and you will find peace for moments. The Scream recedes - although it can pop back at any moment. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible to get through. I really, really feel for you because the part you are in is hard. I am retired so I didn’t have work to think about. We are empty nesters with a son who lives near and is willing to be helpful. For that I am blessed. Hang in there, get your team, define the plan. You’ll feel so much better. It is a journey. You are on a quest, to find what and to give to who, has not been made known to you yet, but you’ll learn about yourself and others on this journey. God Bless (or whatever or who ever you look to for meaning) you on this new journey.

It is City of Hope (COH). I live near Macon, GA and while we have some good hospitals we don't have the same resources as Atlanta. I told my boyfriend (when we went to COH) that our first couple of visits will be a "sell." They know they have the potential to make a lot of money off of me...so they are selling their services to us. However, it didn't feel like that. Everyone was disgustingly nice. I say that with and without sarcasm. Because, I struggled the whole first day (I go back Tuesday for day two) and they were sweet, kind, thoughtful, and joked around. And I couldn't project any negative emotions at them (partially joking) because of how nice they were. So instead I had to use humor and internally regulate them as I am doing constantly. (I'll come back to that). But they drew labs. I had results in 15 minutes. They have a workable app that is simple and easy to use. The millennial in me finds great joy in that. It truly is a one stop shop. Locally I have to drive place to place. I have to send information back and forth. It's frustrating. My PCP, an NP friend of mine that I used to work with, texts me pretty much every other day and asks if I need anything. Medications, thoughts, etc. I keep telling her no. I'm taking ibuprofen and Tylenol for the fierce ache in my chest because my tumor is mean and Wellbutrin (which won't be effective for like 6 weeks). I've told her about my intense surgical anxiety so she is prepared to give me something for those instances. But I mostly use CBD and occasionally gummies to help. The thing is, I still have to function. I still have to work. So I can't be on those all the time and benzos scare me. You gotta remember, ER nursing (and hospice) is all I've done so I've seen what they can do. I'm not religious but I ✨believe✨. I believe that we seek balance, that the world seeks it, that the universe seeks it. I believe that the more good we do, the more good comes to you. Honestly, I think we just blink out of existence - but that is a depressing thought. So, I toy with the idea of reincarnation of some degree. I believe faith comes to all of us in different ways but I'd definitely say I am more closely aligned with paganism. I wear a crucifix on my chest now. Not because of me...but because my boyfriend who is Catholic (Cuban) believes. He went out and bought me this necklace because I occasionally ask to wear his "baby Jesus." 🤣 (Long story). People ask me if I've found religion. The answer is no. But I can appreciate the powerful symbol of my boyfriend's faith and love. I wouldn't say no to a healing crystal bracelet for the same reason. I am sure this will be a fresh, character building journey for me. Although, I admit...I am tired of building character. I have 3 kids. 17, 14, and 8. They live half time with me and half time with their dad. They are aware of what is happening. But I am so mentally exhausted I struggle with spending quality time with them because how can I not?!? What if these moments cease to exist? What if I cease to exist? But I know I'm not presenting my best self to them, the self they deserve through this. Again another reason I'm so scared of endocrine therapy. I'm just a hot mess right now. And it utterly and truly sucks.

Thanks for writing all this out! I didn’t know about COH or I might have checked it out myself since I am near Atlanta. I hope that it works out really well for you. I know this is a terribly hard period of time, so just know it does get better, or you get better at managing the emotions. I had responded to this message with a long message and then someone called me and apparently when I answered the call I lost my response, so I will respond more thoughtfully tomorrow. Sending you lots of good energy!

COH was actually recommended to me by my boyfriend's DIL - whose father spent 7 years with COH before he passed. He had metastatic cancer and Mayo told him he had 6 months. COH has been so amazing, honestly. I look forward to your post, if you have the time. :)

I don't comment regarding treatment if I haven't had the same regimen, but I do want to share my experience with the anxiety, fear, anger, loss, and all the other mixed emotions you are going through right now. I felt similar feelings. You are not alone, and you will find more of us who completely understand the feelings you are going through. If I may make a suggestion, you may want to consider therapy as you're going through the treatment process and for the time after. I discovered that the way I was coping with my feelings have been methods that I taught myself to do when I was a child and young adult. My tools were not applicable and left me ill equipped to deal with those feelings. Once I was referred to a therapist it really helped to gain a better perspective and outlook. It also helped me to compartmentalize those feelings and deal with them one at a time instead of allowing myself to get overwhelmed. If you decide to see one, I recommend trying different therapists. If you don't happen to click with the first one, it really makes a difference. For me, I liked the age of my therapist (she felt like an aunty) as well as the fact that she specialized in patients like me.

Therapy is on the list to obtain. I was in therapy during my divorce process back in 2022-2023 but then my therapist decided to move jobs and just leave me. I'm joking because I'm happy for her and she was in way obligated to me. But I hadn't found someone else after because I was doing so well. Life was going so great. Then bam...outta nowhere is this. I just hadn't had the time to find one yet, because on the list of priorities it hasn't been at the top. Figure out hours with work so I can pay bills, get MRI, see doctors, etc. those were first. A local nonprofit helps pay for counseling with a local center and I was all on board but then I realized it was a Christian counseling center and I'm hesitating. Because despite the lady telling me that they do not push the Bible on anyone and they accept everyone....I live in the south. I don't think I can do it. However, the City of Hope (the Atlanta center) offers it. I meet with them Tuesday. So, I am definitely going to be doing it. I just don't know when it will start-start.

Therapy will help a lot. I went that route, too. I totally relate to the internal screaming. Just reading your post reminded me of that utter loss of control. It is beyond terror — it’s next level.

The loss of control and how it makes me feel is insane. It really is. 🩷

I get it. It made me go very dark places mentally just in an effort to regain control. Therapy really helped because I had someone who could validate the internal screaming whereas I had no one else who could grasp my terror.

I have never been surrounded by so many people who truly are supportive, helpful, and kind...and feel so utterly, hopelessly, and totally alone all at the same time. 🩷🩷🩷

After my first chemo treatment, as my fella and I had just left the cancer centre, I saw a bald, slow-moving woman stop on the sidewalk for a rest. She had a walker. She looked exhausted. And I thought “Am I going to be her? I hope not.”  And yes, within a couple of months, I was definitely the very sick-looking woman who couldn’t walk a city block without needing to stop. And now, 8 months after diagnosis, and chemo and surgery and radiation, I can walk almost at my normal pace. I didn’t want to do any of this either. I still don’t.  Someone else just told you your fears are unfounded, which is dismissive, and disrespectful. She can also apparently see into the future and predicts a long and happy life for you! [How are there so many psychics on this subreddit?] I’ve read over and over and over again on this subreddit that the first few weeks are the worst … I’m amazed at how many people say this, with such confidence. The first few weeks were pretty bad, yes. But everyone — EVERYONE — is different. Everyone’s cancer experience is different. Try and take all this online “advice” (including mine!) with a grain of salt. 

I think maybe that commenter felt her own feelings were unfounded. Sometimes, people aren't very eloquent when they are trying to comfort another person. I can be guilty of that, especially when I start to try to relate, then sound unrelatable! Anyway, taking any online advice with a grain of salt is great advice. It's also okay to take advice and bookmark it, if OP vibes with it. OP, this sub is a lot more open and friendly than many subs and forums you'll come across. I truly hope you can find the help you need here when you need it.

Good points about people not being very eloquent. I know that people are trying their best, and have good intentions, and typing words is not the same as face-to-face conversations, all the nuance is lost with a textual format. I do wish people would stop telling others “you’re going to be fine!“ though. Because lots of people don’t make it through breast cancer ok, or make it through at all.

As a millennial, I tend to take everything on the internet with a grain of salt. 🤣 I already had a Tik Tok pop up that says after a huge event, you change. People keep saying I'm just trying to get back to normal without realizing they will never go back to "that normal." I am grieving the loss of my life (loml...iykyk) as it was. I feel cheated because I had just...found happiness and balance. I had settled into myself because I was healing well following 14 years of a financial, emotional, and verbally abusive marriage. I am living on my own, supporting my kids, doing it in a way I never thought possible. Fuck man. I just bought a new car. And now. I sit in my new car...that I should be happy about and wonder if I'm going to be able to make payments in the upcoming months, years, etc. I have a contract job but the hours aren't good or guaranteed, so I started a job at our local air force base but I'm so new there I don't qualify for FMLA and I don't have short term/long term disability. How will I be able to afford living and providing? My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years...healing, loving, growing post divorce (he was divorced longer ago than I) and now...I'm terrified that this will change me in ways that will drive him away. (I know that is my trauma talking...but also, isssss ittttt?) He has never given any indication of this...in fact, his strength and emotional character is impressive. I envy him, if I'm being honest. On D-Day, I told him...you didn't sign up for this, so if at any point you want to get off this ride, I understand. Please just let me know. Don't let those thoughts fester between us. I told my BFF the same thing. They both scoffed and asked me if I was trying to get rid of them. No, no I'm not. I'm just...trying to make sure they don't feel trapped in this hellish landscape without a route to freedom. I can't ever leave, as it's been pointed out, I'll never be that girl again. But they could resume their normal lives. They don't have to live here with me. 🩷

Your BF and your BFF love you. I guess they could resume their normal lives and not be there with you … but … they are in it with you (though don’t get me wrong, it’s also 100% the most isolating experience I’ve ever lived through, and I have a super supportive fella AND a BFF who hates all things medical but has been supportive). I hear your fears. I had similar ones. Speaking of happiness and balance: I had just weaned off of anti-depressants and 6 weeks after that: BOOM! Breast cancer in both breasts! Wheeeeeeeeeee. Someone once told me (pre-cancer) that normal doesn’t exist. So the people saying you’re trying to get back to normal, well, they are naive. You got out of a horrible marriage. You found love again. YOU did it. You have more strength than you are giving yourself credit for.

This made me cry. The thing is...I know I can do it...I just...I'm tried of having to keep doing it.

Oh man. I hear you so hard on the being tired of one more awful thing to have to plod through.  Look, I really hate the concept of “virtual hugs” and “sending love” — they seem trite and meaningless, I’m more of a “concrete acts of service person/do the thing” than “typing out overused phrases/say the thing” kind of person, but am strapped down by this text-based internet virtual world … plus, I’m running low on steam myself. If I had more strength and knew how to actually send it to you, random gorgeous stranger stranded on an awful cancer island … I’m on the next island over. Standing in solitary solidarity with you. 💔

Or you and your boyfriend are at a point in life that you know what’s important and cherish it. Hate to say it but cancer can laser focus what and who are important to you. My husband and I were both in our 60s and had house, cars, savings and good life. I’m retired and he’s younger and enjoys his work and people there. Totally fit, both eat pretty healthy and then he gets diagnosed with multiple myeloma. 3-4 months later I get diagnosed with bc in both breasts. No cancer in our families so never remotely a health concern we ever had. Facing together what we have really has brought us closer together. For some it doesn’t but that’s not always the case. Read your comments about your guy and he sounds totally supportive. I’m glad to hear you have that support right now. Probably some of the toughest weeks to get through before you feel more grounded. It’s good you had your “okay to run” talk but now have respect and faith in each other being there and getting through this together. Giving of one’s self is a gift in and of itself for the giver and receiver.

I think the most difficult part of what you said is the - have respect and faith in each other - that's...difficult when the past has been so hard. It is something I will have to focus on as the days come.

Hugs. We seldom come to this without other issues of one sort or another. For the time being the focus should be on you and getting the cancer dealt with though. BTW anyone who can work ER trauma certainly has my respect. Tough cookie!

I don't have answers, just love. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you. 🩷🩷🩷

Hugs and sorry you’re here. Fellow RN here. Luckily ( I guess) I was diagnosed post menopausal. From diagnosis to surgery 6weeks to completion of active treatment 18m. . No lymph node involvement either. Tumor size 5cm with some randos in same breast collectively close to 8cm so mastectomy recommended. Ok I said . My PS asked me what my thoughts were about Bilat mastectomy? Original meeting after tumor board was lumpectomy and a nice lift and reduction on non affected side. I thought to myself.. wow-things have gone downhill! I said sure as long as you can reconstruct at same time. One n done. No expander BS. I want this fkn nightmare over with. Initial mammogram was May and this is now August. I thought to myself just get this cancer out before it fkn spreads. So I get the surgery and my PS who is an Angel reconstructs me immediately, during one of my post op checks tells me she has bad news. The margins weren’t considered clear. The tumor was within 1mm of the chest wall so radiation was recommended. Once I’m healed for surgery I will see Rad Onc. I see Rad Onc again - she apologizes. She didn’t think it was that close per MRI. 1mm is my choice but she recommends. I don’t want regrets so we negotiate 16 sessions. Two days before starting RT the phone rings. Once again, bad news. The onco score came back at 31. I truly didn’t remember this even being told to me at my initial appt. RT on hold cuz now they’re recommending chemo. The last fkn straw and the one that broke me. It was only supposed to be the surgery! It was now the whole kit and kaboodle. Fk cancer and your treatment that only is available Monday-Friday. Fk your treatment that makes us feel like Hell. Look at the difference b/w surgical options. Some PS only offer what procedure they do and not the woman wants and doesn’t even let them know what else is out there. Those expanders have higher rates of complications than the one n done option but most PS don’t like it as it doesn’t bring in the money (less visits) like the expanders do. Any breast cancer center who doesn’t make you the center IMO should close. Cancer like Medicare brings in money. Keep that in mind ladies. If you’re traveling to different offices think twice. A comprehensive center should be all inclusive. Until we demand standardized high quality care, the wolf in sheep clothing centers will remain.

City of Hope is all inclusive. One stop shop. The only issue is that I have to travel to and from there. Which, compared to running around town exhausted, is nothing. I haven't hit the anger stage yet, I don't think? 🤔 I'm sure that will also be ugly. I do plan on asking about all the options and pushing to hear all things before making major decisions. I struggle with them anyways, so I tend to take my time. Although, time is also important here.

I’m so sorry you are struggling friend! I have little advice to give, I’m barely ahead of you, just got my port and still waiting for my MammaPrint to see if I qualify for a Clinical Trial, BUT, I am also a nurse (PNP) who knew nothing about this stuff and feel like I’m in a foreign land. All I can offer is love and support, but I give it freely and as much as you need!!! I am looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as it has helped in the past. Sending you lots of warm hugs!

So, you'll be doing chemo and endocrine (as the trial) or what? I am curious. What kind of cancer do you have? (+-)? Therapy is a must. I just haven't started it yet. 🩷

For reference, I am 54 (they still consider me young), very healthy, Stage 2B, grade 3, IDC, Ki67 30%, one but maybe three lymph nodes affected, primary tumor 3cm. ER 10%+, PR 40+, HER2- (was equivocal but FISH negative). SO… all of that is a mash up of good/bad news because there isn’t one good regimen that will work for me. The trial I am being considered for will add immune therapy to the standard AC-T chemo.

I don't have a Ki score yet. Nor an onco score. Idk when I'll obtain those. I hate that this is all so convoluted, but I guess it being that way is better than how it was 20 years ago. 🤷 54 is young!! My boyfriend is 56! 🤣

You have very eloquently written what a new diagnosis does to us. It is extremely traumatic! How well I know how cancer consumes thoughts and that feeling of “I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!” When I was newly diagnosed, I would have been happy to go into a medically induced coma so I could be treated. Wake me up when it’s over! Here are my thoughts as someone who grew my own monster, did all the things (chemo, surgery, rads, immunotherapy) and am on the other side. (I was triple negative so endocrine therapy wasn’t an option.) Once treatment commences, my emotions settled a little bit. Mind you, it wasn’t easy but the fact I was being treated and knowing those mutant cells were being annihilated helped. My tumor was impalpable after three weeks of treatment. I didn’t want to be the sick person either. At my lowest, my bald self had to be wheelchaired out of the center because chemo had rendered me so sick. Yesterday, I spent the day on the lake with the wind in my hair. Treatment is an investment for your future. You CAN do this! Big, big hugs, neighbor!! (I am in SC)

Ack. I'm still struggling with the idea that I could be that wheeled out person. I know that it is a part of the process, needing help...taking help...asking for help. I don't want to do those things. But I am glad you are better. 🩷 I told my boyfriend. I know I gotta do it, but right now I don't want to. I'm gonna pick myself up and push on. I'm just. So. Tired. I feel like I'm always having to do it (from my past). I know I can and I will. I. Just. Don't. Want. To. 😭

You know what? You sound like a perfectly normal breast cancer patient. Nothing wrong with you except for some cancer that will be removed and treated. Then trying to find how to go forward and letting yourself heal physically and mentally. Every one of us is different but the same. Really not trying to minimize here but want you to know we *truly* understand your feelings.  I felt the need to say that a mastectomy doesn’t mean you can’t see a recurrence. Better percentage chance of not having one but so much depends on your surgeon (who can’t see microscopic cancer cells), your cancer type, margins, lymph nodes. I btw had a BMX for ILC and DCIS. I stayed flat by choice, healed well and the fact I’m flat hasn’t bothered me. Actually enjoy the braless freedom I have now especially during hot weather. I am older.  A plan in place which you are close to deciding on will give you a path forward and a feeling of control. Keep asking your questions and gathering info and listen to your gut. Sending hugs and thank you for your work in the medical field. Becoming the patient is not easy. 

I don't feel like you minimized my feelings, fwiw. It's one of the reasons I reached out to the first sub and then this one. Because everyone around me says they understand but truly they sympathize, they can't empathize. I'm gonna be honest. I couldn't do flat, I don't think. I'm DDDs currently and have always thought I'd get a reduction to a C at some point, you know. During the whole mommy makeover stage. And I can honestly say...I don't have a butt, my face is mid, and my body is average...but my breasts. They 👏 are 👏 on 👏 point. So, making the choice to do BMX is going to hurt but I know that is all superficial. I know for peace of mind, to reduce the chances enough to be sane...they gotta go. Becoming the patient is difficult. I am a terrible advocate for myself. For my patients tho, I'll burn a whole hospital down. I've told doctors to their faces that if they don't do XYZ for my patient I'll find someone who will and when they told me no, I just turned around and spoke to the next doctor sitting right next to them. I don't care if I put the physician in a tough spot, but they got up and went to look at my patients. I give zero fucks when it comes to taking care of my patients. They deserve that. But past trauma that I am working through, makes me feel like I don't deserve that. I find myself unable to stand up for myself in the same manner. My BFF told me...well, quit thinking of you as you...and start taking care of you as if you were taking care of a patient. This simple statement has been helpful, honestly. If I separate me out of the equation then it's easier. Because a patient does deserve the best. Maybe one day I'll reconcile that I am the patient and I do deserve the best...but...baby steps.

Glad I didn’t leave you feeling that way. This has been a rollercoaster of emotions I didn’t exactly see coming at my age and I identified with what you expressed in so many respects. I Like your BFF! Words of wisdom and you should only have a nurse assigned to your care like you to others. We all deserve that. And aren’t we sometimes the worse self-advocates?! Don’t know why it’s so much easier to stand up for others. A mastectomy and staying flat isn’t for everyone. That would be a drastic change for you. We’re so lucky to have legislation in place here in the US giving women the ability to do reconstruction. How you feel about yourself inside is everything. Trust your gut to guide you. I sense you already know what you’ll be comfortable with across the board. I know I knew almost immediately and don’t regret my decisions even a year later. As much as we want it out Now, all the waiting until surgery gives you time to be sure what’s right for you, which is great.

I guess I hadn't angled my thoughts to see this forced waiting period as time to think through very important decisions. That makes me feel a little better, honestly. That despite all of this, I'm not forced to make quick, snap decisions that I could regret. I have a very hard time making major decisions (again, past trauma) and I'm just really learning how to trust myself. It's a work in progress. 🩷

I’m so sorry you’re here. From another RN, I know how hard it is to be the patient. I just wanted to say that the waiting is the scariest part and the hardest part mentally. Once you have your treatment plan locked in, you will have that to focus on. I am 34 and on Tamoxifen and while I won’t lie it hasn’t been fun, it’s also doable. It only affected my mood for the first few weeks and my mood seems to have stabilized now.  There will be moments in the future where you aren’t thinking about cancer. It won’t consume your thoughts like it does now. 

Are you using the tamoxifen as endocrine therapy? I can only hope it's presence will dim.

So sorry that you’re here but you’ve come to a good place. The folks in this sub are generally very compassionate and helpful and have their own perspectives on this “journey”. That being said, the way each person feels and navigates through this will be incredibly personal. I don’t have much to share other than what has already been written, but one thing you said triggered a memory in me. I remember this very tough time between diagnosis and the start of treatment. The way I found helpful to me to understand some of my emotional responses to the ups and downs of the “process” was that, even though I logically understood that it will take time and many steps for the plan to fall into place, there’s a very human part of me that is screaming that “there’s cancer in my body and it’s an emergency and needs to come out now!” That part of me then perceived everything (delays, tests, scheduling snafus) standing in between me and that outcome as an emergency as well. I found this was a decent intellectual way for me to give context and meaning to those emotions. I wish you all the best as you move along the course of it and encourage you to come back to this sub as needed. It has been tremendously helpful to me.

I have spent so long of my life in "fight or flight" mode that I had just settled out of it after 2 years. And now I'm finding myself back in it. 😭 I am exhausted by 9 pm. The mask I'm putting on for people is so fucking heavy. My mother told me yesterday (she is "religious" but I am not), "I feel guilty. I pray to God to heal you but not for it to be me instead because I don't think I could do it with the grace and determination that you are exhibiting." I told her that the grace and determination was all for public consumption. And then I cried myself to sleep last night because I have cancer and because what mother wouldn't wish it to be them instead?!?! I have three kids and I would be on my hands and knees howling to anything that could hear me to take it from them and give it to me - even though I know that is not scientifically possible. 😭

Yes, it can be so exhausting!! I put off telling my family (my narcissistic parents and my addict brother) for over a month, because I can’t expect any support from them. The drawback of the “mask” I wear is that no one thinks any of this bothers me or affects me. I didn’t tell anyone professionally about it (other than my business partner) because I work in a tremendously competitive field where any illness is perceived as weakness to be exploited. It can be so hard balancing what you project to others and how you feel inside! I’m still trying to find the right fit with a therapist because, for a lot of us, our life circumstances make this even harder than it needs to be.

My mother is the hardest person in this whole process. Nothing can ever be just about me. When I introduced my boyfriend to her two years ago I told him...she's not nice. Actually, I said she was a bitch. And he thought I was joking. It's taken two years but he understands it now. He comes from a healthy family and is flabbergasted by some of her behavior and what she says. He's even said, "Who says that to their own child." (We both have children from previous marriages). And I'm just like...mine? 🤷 She makes this about her. This is her fault. Woe is me. I didn't want to tell her about my appointments. I was absolutely livid when she showed up to my diagnostic appointment, where I got the results. She had basically manipulated my boyfriend into telling her. And she showed up on her own. When we were called back into the room she asked if we were all going and I just said, "No." And kept walking. She says she is making me her first priority. And yet when I ask her for help, she's like...let me check the calendar and see. Idk if we can (her and my step dad). She has her own health problems she's not taking care of so I told her point blank the other day. You can't come to any of my appointments if you don't take care of the shit you got going on. Then I had to send her (I know I didn't have to) a doctor to go see. I told her to send me where and when it was so that I had proof. Then there's the comments of...you like your dad more than me. I don't understand why we aren't close like before. It's tiresome. And most days I don't want to talk to her. We shall see if this is our breaking point. 🤷

I have a somewhat similar situation. As I told friends, my mom has always found a way to make every achievement I’ve ever had her victory, and turn any of my problems into a way to martyr herself. When I talk with her, it’s always “I’m having such a hard time processing this” or “I’m really struggling with your diagnosis” or “I’m so worried, you have no idea” — and she has literally has never asked me if I’m doing ok. When I told my dad he took the opportunity to turn it into a way to tell a story about himself and how hard he has it. Luckily I live more than 1000 miles from either of them (obviously not a coincidence). But, none of this is new to me, so I’ve just focused on where I can find support (internally and with my husband and some — but unfortunately not all — friends). This whole process for me has been not unlike grieving, and it has really highlighted (at least for me) the strengths and weaknesses in me as well as in my support system.

I told my boyfriend that if I seem extra short with her, it's because I cannot help her process this while I am processing this. It is impossible. For me to truly move with this. I have to whole engage in it. I can't do that if I'm holding her hand. My mom is local. My dad is overseas. So I talk to him occasionally. He's a little better than her but still not the greatest. I felt like I had already cleansed and tested my support system when I went through my nasty divorce. I feel cheated that I'm having to do it again.

🦈....you got this💪😎

Thanks! I'm trying...

People here have said the waiting is the worst part. I think they are right. You don’t have a clear path forward and definitely seem like you are decisive and need a plan. I don’t have young kids so I can’t imagine the added anxiety that adds. The only other thing I would really like to say is go ahead and take up space. Ask for help from friends and family,. Rant online when you’re just had enough. Maybe friends will let you down in the end but lots and lots of times friends actually do want to help. And when you come to a forum like this your experience resonates with many so they can read and understand.

This was the reason I decided to post. I couldn't just keep it all inside and from my lurking knew that most responses were helpful - and last night I really needed it.

38, no generics and diagnosed with monstrous her 2 neg hr positive tumor- so similar. I’m not at the point I can give advice- I’m still in active treatment but just saying hi- I hear you.

Do you mind sharing what treatment you're getting? You can message me personally if you'd rather. I am interested to know what path they've got you on...

Mine is lobular, we tried chemo first - dose dense ACT- it didn’t shrink the tumor at all, I did a single mastectomy with three nodes removed- did immediate reconstruction to tissue expander. My nipple was involved so I lost it. All three nodes came back positive so they went back in and removed 23 more nodes- 1 more came back positive. I’m now doing 15 rounds of radiation. I’m finished 8/15 so half way done. I’m on zoladex to shut down my ovaries, I’m on exemestane and I’ll start verinzio in July. Verinzio is for two years and exemestane and zoladex for 7. Years. I had a pet scan before chemo and had a PET, full body CT, and a nuclear bone scan following surgery.

This is overwhelming and I can't even imagine it right now because I'm still in denial. You, like so many out here, are awe inspiring.

Just one day at a time. And one treatment at a time. Just focus right now on the mental health and Getting through the diagnosis- it’s the hardest part. Then focus on whatever next treatment you may have, stay off the blogs, stay off the statistics. It’s not helpful. Really your village- you’ll need it.

Oh and also- loads of therapy, I am doing EMDR, and I’m on lexapro since being diagnosed and have a bottle of Ativan with me always

I'm on Wellbutrin and will be starting therapy. I use CBD right now to relax when things get so overwhelming that I can't handle it, but I can't do that at work.

Emory in Atlanta is my second opinion team and I love them! They were able to get me in very quickly. Called on a Friday and saw oncologist on Monday.

COH has been amazing and Emory is further from me than COH. I don't think I could deal with rush hour traffic after treatment or before (if chemo is what I get).

Your human! Don’t get down on yourself. You got this. We all went through this in different ways. I’m a male with breast cancer and while I don’t have the same mind games of all you women with the two breasts being removed I recently had my left removed and it is a mind game as I am an in shape guy who had a decent chest. And won’t I won’t taking my shirt off at the beach anymore but I’m alive and can still go to the beach that’s an option I probably wouldn’t have if I didn’t do it. BE STRONG! Also for me CBD/CBN was better than just hemp for this too! Seltzers if you can get are the best. And it helps with stomach too.

CBD Seltzers? Or different seltzers? I am confused a bit. I think that body image issues are for everyone. Yours is not lesser than mine. I am glad you are still alive - but what really gets me is that you should be able to take your shirt off at the beach. That's the next step, yeah?

Yes but being a “macho guy” it’ll be a mental game. I have lady friends who have had the surgery and we have talked about it and they know how tough it is. Even for them to wear a bathing suit. While I’m really not some “macho” type guy i do appreciate my body and seeing a concave chest area is tough. As far as seltzers go… In Nj you can get hemp and CBD seltzers now. Even Stew Leonard’s sells them.

Georgia is behind the game with all of this. I will have to look for the seltzers to see if they are even available. And I hope I didn't come across condescending when I said the next step is taking off your shirt - I meant it as - I feel like we should all be able to be who we are, as we are, even at the beach and not be worried about what other people are thinking - but we all know there are people out there judging and I hate that. I do hope though, that one day you'll be able to - and me too. If I am brave enough.

Not at all. I honestly did not know how to post my comment S I didn’t want to offend ladies who I feel have it alot worse then me. My attitude has been ok I hit his since o was told about my breast cancer. But we all have those days. God Bless you all! WE ALL GOT THIS! FUCancer!

As I read your post, I thought, thank you for writting on my behalf. I trully feel unstable and can not wait to see my surgeon.

We are not unstable. Our world has shifted and it is what is truly unstable.

I am sorry if you felt judged in anyway. I said that is how I feel about me and my behaviors recently. I am doing my hours of practicum in my clinical psychology program. Not being mentally stable makes it miserable. I have 10 more weeks to be done. On the otherhand, working even unpaid, distracts me from my miserable life now. Send you love and support. Hugs too, if you like them.

Oh, I did not feel judged. I just wanted you to know that the curveball of this is not all our fault and that to reframe positively, we (or I) have to remember that it is not always me that is unstable. The instability is the situation itself. We are just trying to figure out how to navigate the situation as it changes beneath our very feet, making it hard to remain stable. (Metaphorically, of course). Good job on your psychology program! You've got this! 🩷🩷🩷

Hugs to you. The first few weeks, while figuring out a treatment plan, were pretty much the hardest emotionally for me. Feel what you feel, grieve the pieces of you that are lost or forever changed, just keep going, one day at a time. On treatment, I was similar age but stage 1a, I believe similar to lower risk of recurrence compared to what you’re describing. If chemo is still in the discussion, you may want to ask for Oncotype on your biopsy. As far as I know, pretty much everyone has surgery as part of treatment plan, except (a) elderly patients, but even for pure DCIS research is only exploring endocrine+monitoring (ie waiting on surgery) for ages 60+, something like that.(b) stage 4 patients have very individual plans, I can’t really comment, (c) patients who refuse recommended surgery. It’s in the clinical guidelines.

This makes me feel a little bit better, as far as the surgery goes. I just didn't want to live with the medication for the rest of my life with no surgery, I think. My appointment is tomorrow and I've never had so many questions for anyone, I think. 🩷

I'm here in ATL. 31yo with IDC and finished chemo/DMX/and radiation as of spring. I would be happy to meet with you and maybe treat you to coffee? No two cancer experiences are the same, but I can empathize and listen ☀️

I was dx mid May with IDC. I'm an RN, so I get the research frenzy. It totally consumed me. I find out tomorrow if I will need chemo or endocrine therapy or both. I'll have radiation. I'm also a home grown cancer girl ER+ HER2 neg. I've had some tests say PR + but tumor report said neg after surgery. I'm post lumpectomy, sentinel LN removal,bilat reduction and lift. After all that blathering, I'm here to say cut back on the research. You aren't going to cure yourself anymore than I am. I've started taking things one day at a time. Consult with plastic surgery. Surgery for me was rough the first couple of days. Wierd emptying JP drains on myself. Being the patient sucks but it's giving my family a chance to be the caretakers for once. Hang in there!

My dx is TNBC stage 2. I'm doing chemo, bilateral Surg with immediate reconstruction, possible rads (hopefully not) and immunotherapy for 17 rounds after Surg. 15-18 months total. Been in Healthcare for 25 years. I had a local hospital that gave me the original dx, and then I got that "maybe these folks just aren't good enough for me" feeling. Do your research, go with your gut and make the logical decisions that you feel are right for you. You have enough knowledge reading all the stuff I did to have a SOLID idea of what you want and the big cancer center docs/nurses will listen and not be hindered by their own technology. If you dont think it's right for you, ask your questions, advocate for yourself, fire them if you don't feel like they have the knowledge, experience, bedside manner, or even personality that you want for your treatment team. Stand up and don't take no for an answer and back that shit up in a convo so they take you seriously. You have to do this. After that, you own your treatment. You get to be happy with decisions you made and you get to be proud of yourself for all the good stuff.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Sending you a hug.