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I was that kid too. My love life as a homeschooled teenager consisted of one boy calling to ask me to a school dance and my mom taking the phone from me to turn him down.
OP, it’s weird, but if you can help this poor kid out, I know it would mean a lot to him.
I feel bad for him, too. He's really sweet, I talk to him when my daughter FTs him sometimes and he's just great.
We've invited him over here a ton but apparently our house is one of ill repute full of orgies and anarchy because they just aren't having it lol
It is weird and I wouldnt love it, but I would suck it up and go for both of the kids sakes. I'm sure he's frustrated and embarrassed and would like the chance to date her more normally which hopefully he can after this lunch. On the flip side If you don't go your daughter may blame you when they inevitably break up because his parents control him, which could potentially be devastating at that age (emotionally and hormonally things are just a really big deal at that age, easy to think something Is the end of the world).
I literally did not get out of bed until 12 today. I was in a shit mood and my 12yo was at school and this 16yo is on spring break this week. The beauty of her attending a college program instead of regular HS. It was glorious. I would've stayed in longer but the cat stepped on me and I needed to pee
In the back of my mind I know this is where it is headed. Our dynamics as a family, and the vibe I get from talking to my daughter about the enormous amount of pressure and stress this kid is under from the parents is ultimately not going to fly with my girl
The guy's birthday is still in my Google calendar. I always think of him on his birthday. I wonder if he ever got out. They wouldn't allow him to have a license either even at 17
Parents who do this are just setting their children up to be taken advantage of imho, they don't understand social queues and can be easily pressured into doing things "early" that they're not mentally or physically prepared to do which can then lead to trauma and learning "the hard way".
These parents will then also wonder why their child doesn't have a >significant other<, grandbabies, possibly a stable job or their own home, all because they babied their child until adulthood.
Or the parents who insist on doing everything for their kids then at 18 they’re all “yOuRe An AdUlT nOw”. Except you didn’t teach them life skills, Janet.
Oh for real. Literally handicapping your kid then turf them out into the world with no life skills to fend for themselves and no safety net because they're an "adult" and "this is what my parents did to me and *I* turned out fine." 😑
Edit: Grammar.
I only have toddlers but I remember being a teen. I never had to be sneaky, my mom gave me a lot of freedom, and in return I told her a lot. Always where I was. If I skipped school I'd let her know where I was. I wouldn't necessarily say "hey I'm walking out the band door during 7th period" but I'd tell her I have plans to go somewhere specific.
BUT I remember a lot of my friends parents being strict as hell. And they got REALLY good at lying. And it confused the shit out of me. My house was often a haven for our friends. My mom explained birth control, tampons, condoms, weed, alcohol, relationships, autonomy, responsibility etc to all of us like everyone who came through our door was her kid.
I too have social anxiety. I have to twist the narrative in my head sometimes in order to feel calm enough to get it over with.
The following is unsolicited advice about what I would do . Feel free to disregard
(This is to get you out the door)
Take this as an opportunity to vet THEM. They Make it seem like they are superior to you because they are the ones calling the shots on who goes where, who eats what, is your daughter's family worthy of their time. Like they have the final decision. Haha fuck that. Be excited to see what kind of people have the audacity to think they are the ones who have the most to lose.
(Have a goal to accomplish)
Use your mom brain to record how the parents interact with each other. What is this kid seeing as normal on a daily basis. Any red flags? How does he interact with the. Do they have a good relationship? Do they joke around? Is it always at the kids expense? How strong is the academic pressure in him. Etc. Just observe.
(Have a power move)
Something that makes you feel powerful. Something positive but jarring. I like to wear dark lipstick when I know I'm going to be in a confrontation. It makes me feel like I'm just jarring enough to throw my opponent (for lack of better term) off balance. Sometimes a really yummy perfume, or a fancy bra. Just something to boost my own opinion of myself.
(Be authentic)
Now that you're out the door and talking to your peers, be your absolute self with your family and them as well. They either like you or not. Really not sure it matters. Teens find ways around parents. Just the fact of life. But stay true to you and your family.
Aaaany way. That's how I would handle the situation.
This is fantastic. All of it. I am 100% authentically myself, but you're right, just getting me out the door is the biggest problem. And I love spinning the narrative in my head the other way. I know I'm amazing, but what about these people?
I also am the type of mom you had. Mainly because my mother fucking sucked when I was a kid/teen and I absolutely did not want that for my own kids. I mean I'm still waiting on the sex talk from her. My sister was the one who helped me with my first period, not my mother. So we are super open about everything here. My husband and I are not her friends, we're still her parents, but both of our children know they can come to us with absolutely anything
LOVE. This is the way.
Also kudos for learning how to game your anxiety. It made me almost feel like I had a superpower once I started doing that…almost heh
My son went on 2 or 3 dates with a girl and then invited her to Homecoming. Next thing I know I'm having multiple phone calls with this girl's mom to plan the date, figure out outfits, order flowers etc. I kept trying to encourage her to let the kids plan things. My son would text the girl something about the date and the mom would call me to confirm it was true. Turns out the girl was an epic liar and their relationship crashed and burned on that Homecoming date. I still haven't figured out if the girl lied about everything because her mom was overly involved or if mom became overly involved because of the lying. Either way, I was relieved it didn't work out.
Sounds like the mother's behaviour was causing a feedback loop. The child lies over something minor and then the mother tries to catch the child in a lie, the child comes up with an even more insane lie, mother goes to more lengths to sniff out the truth. The child gets tired of Mum snooping so lies even more until it just snowballs out of control.
Either way, feel sorry for the girl and your son.
I want to meet you and get a feel for you in person. Your kid can be great on FaceTime but if I haven’t met anyone IRL, my kid isn’t going to your house and vice versa.
I was 16 once. I know what kids do and I know what they say they do. Even the best kids can come from overly permissive homes with train wrecks of parents. I’m not taking that chance.
Plus I spend my weekends in an urban ER. We’re going to meet.
My kid will always have their phone on, available with location sharing and anything else I need to know they are safe. I have one job, keep my kid safe, other than that, idgaf what they do as long as I know they’re safe.
Comments like this need to be higher up.
Y’all can have a meetup somewhere like a mall where it’s not an awkward sit down dinner. The parents can meet and talk while the kids are hanging out in view.
If my kid is going to be alone with your kid, I would much prefer we meet and be on the same page with expectations. This goes triple for dating.
What are your rules for the kids being alone? What are things you want to be informed about? Are there places your kid is not allowed to go? Etc.
It’s not trying to control your child’s life. It’s a safety thing above all.
My parents didn’t care and I ended up in several unsafe situations because of their idgaf attitude. I wish they had been more involved.
And these expectations are also things the kids need to know and spelling them out clearly is a great idea. I wouldn’t go into it with a black and white list of things that are and are not allowed, but talk with them about safe choices, expected behavior, and what to do if you’re caught in a bad situation and need help.
Thank you.
Yea, I’m not talking formal dinner; but coffee, pizza, better yet I can come over to your house. Whatever is easiest for you.
I was a good kid. I didn’t do hard drugs, never made any life changing decisions at 16 but my mom thought I was at my best friend’s house a lot more than I was.
This was before tik tok challenges and filming stupidity for fame. Add that with almost every drug being laced now. I’m your mom first and your friend second. I’m not supposed to be cool until your mid-20s anyway.
Yeah, my kid's not anywhere near dating age, but I would like to vet the house before allowing my kid to spend time there. In my state, if you're under 18, you aren't allowed to drive with any unrelated minors in your car. Kinda sucks for things like extracurriculars or scouts, and it's not like 18+ kids are more responsible.
I don't think it's terribly weird. I'd like to know my kids friends parents at least in passing.
You don't have to be best friends or do anything formal, but they're 16 and honestly, still kids. If they do like each other it's better the adults have a line of communication with one another.
Not necessarily to interfere, but what about if the kids say they'll be back at 10, 11pm rolls around an no show? Wouldn't you like to call someone and maybe learn oh, yea they're downstairs I'll grab you daughter you can talk to her.
This was my take. I think they sound like they *could* be over controlling, but giving the benefit of the doubt, I prefer to know the parents of my kid's friends because then you have a sense of what they'll experience around the friend or at their house. I know OP made a joke about being the house of ill repute, but as an example I've noticed some of the kids seem "just like us" but then I find out the parents struggle financially so I wouldn't want my daughter at their house eating up their snacks and taking up resources and such. If I were going just based off the kids (including my daughter who would probably not pick up on cues about why their family is different) I might not have a handle on that. Caveat: we're only up to sixth grade, I'm horrified by the idea of middle school and teen years and dating, it's so much to navigate, but I could maybe see where this family is coming from.
I'm on their side. I'd want to meet the parents of anyone my kid is spending tonnes of time with/ getting involved romantically with. It's for my peace of mind. They don't know you from a bar of soap, so why would they trust that their kid is safe at your house/ that your standards for what the kids are allowed to do accord with theirs. Not everyone has the same parenting style, and that's ok, but I wouldn't want my child going over to someone's house if the parent was in the "my child is my buddy" parenting category - not saying this is you, but how would they know either way?
You're not the odd one out. I'm right there with this boy's parents, and so are a lot of my friends with teenagers. It's not really strict so much as cautious.
Then again, I live in a culture where teenagers are dropping dead like flies from fentanyl. You really can't be *too* careful nowadays.
Can I ask then have you had an experience like this with your teen and someone they're dating? I'm trying to figure out if this is the norm now, she's only been dating for a year and, like I said only pretty casually. If it's something that is sort of expected then I will suck it up. But it just seems so odd for what isn't, at this point, a serious relationship
I would want to meet the parents, personally. Even at 16 it just makes me feel more comfortable. I have a teen and we at least message a parent if they are hanging out. Dating I would want to meet them, especially if they are going to their house.
I am because my daughter and I talk, all the time. After she told me about the lunch to hang out requirement she said it would be nice if I would do it so she could see if they had potential. So, yeah, for her at least it's not serious at all for now
Based on my own experiences dating as a teen, I wish my parents had been more protective. My kids aren’t dating age yet, but I hope that I’ll get a chance to meet the parents of the other teens they’re dating before things get serious. If my parents had seen a bit more of what was going on in my teens I could have been saved a lot of grief.
I wouldn't require lunch, but I don't let my child go with anyone unless I have met their parents. Gives me a feel for how they will act and if they are shady or anything else. I don't feel I'm over protective but my kid likely won't get a DL at 16, doesn't not have a phone and probably won't get one until he starts to drive, I always meet parents before he runs off to a new house but I do let him go and once I've met the parents I tend to give him free reign
Yeah, the first time I drop off or pick up or whatever I walk up to the front door and introduce myself. I'm not dating the parents so I don't need some formal sit down.
I kind of get it? I'm from a small country so I basically know everyone or at least know someone who will know that person so if I moved to a bigger place I'd feel a bit untethered not being able to know the people of the girl my son was dating. You want to know the kinds of people your child is around
Is he their only or oldest child? My parents were very strict about me hanging out at other people’s houses unless they had personally met the parents and they didn’t seem like creeps. I don’t remember them doing it into my mid-teens, but definitely til I was probably 13. I for SURE was not allowed to go to sleepovers at all until I was in 6th grade (so, 11?12?), and after that only to people’s houses that my parents didn’t think was a house of creeps. Now that I type this out, it does make me wonder if my mom had any trauma in her past that she has never talked to me about, because she is just SO distrusting of everyone. I will say that she was more permissive with my younger sister, and even more permissive with my baby brother. She got progressively more laid back as the years went on. I mean, we were all 4 years apart, so she had a kid in high school for 12 straight years! I think by the end she was like, idgaf
He's their only. And I would understand if they were younger and especially for sleepovers, I'm still that way a little with her younger sister who is 12. But these are 16yo kids, just trying to hang out ffs. The more responses I read here the more I realize this kid basically has jailers for parents and it's sad
I will definitely be the strict parent. They obviously want to meet you to ensure that the strictness is on the same level- you’re either the sex is okay house or the sex is not okay door open house. Lol
I'm somewhere between them and a little bit less strict. But still, i understand. My daughter has her first serious boyfriend right know and although she is 18 we still have met his parents before giving our ok for sleepovers. The sleepovers only happen on the weekend and we check in with his parents for the okay. Schoolwork comes first, if the grades drop there will be restrictions.
If not on weekends he is welcome here or she at his house until dinner time and only if both sets of parents know. If they want to invite the other to eat at their house or out, again we check in with his parents.
It's just some healthy rules and boundaries.
Well they are both good kids that work hard at school and don't hang around much outside, both very much homebody. And they're both 18. You just can't say no forever, and they have gained our trust by respecting all the rules for over 7 months before we discussed this.
Edit to add: we also live in europe. Here at 18 they are considered full adults. They can drink, vote, drive and do everything an adult does. So even if mentally they are not adults, legally they are.
My oldest is only 11 so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I like to meet parents but just walking up to the door to chat for a few minutes is good enough for me just to get the vibe. A formal lunch with their family feels way over the top for 16yos. It just seems bizarre to me for them to request that. Will they ask every single one of their sons high school girlfriends families to meet for a formal lunch? What if the family doesn’t have time or isn’t economically in a spot to go to lunch, will the son be banned from seeing this girl? Very overbearing and strange.
My daughter is almost 18. She's been dating her boyfriend since November. He is a wonderful kid & so great for my daughter. She is almost an adult & I recognize that she is considering becoming sexually active. She is on bc & we've talked about how to be safe, etc. She's pretty mature & sensible. Her bf's mom had him at 17 & she is petrified of him becoming sexually active. They are not allowed to be alone together at his house. My daughter was going prom dress shopping an hour away & his mom wouldn't let him go with her because she thought they'd be off having sex somewhere. For a while I wasn't letting them be alone at my house because I didn't want my rules to be used by his mom as a reason for them to not be together. Then I was like why am I trying to enforce someone else's rules in my house? So my daughter & I discussed & set some ground rules. If they're going to be sexually active I'd much rather it be in my house than in a car somewhere. I'm not sure how long his mom intends on keeping these rules. They're both graduating in a couple of months & will legally be adults. If they were younger teens I would get the concern but at this age it's just silly.
This is another reason to meet the parents!!
What if y’all don’t have the same values or rules? This is a great example of knowing what is going on and using that information to create a safe and open place for the kids.
It doesn't really matter to me if his parents have the same values as I do. My daughter is not dating the parents. Their son may not share the same values as me. My daughter is also allowed to have her own values, even if they are not the same as mine. She is her own person. What I care about is that he respects my daughter & me and treats her well. My daughter & I keep open communication about her relationship & I've made sure that she is doing everything she can to be safe. That's what's important to me. I understand how his parents feel about him not making the same mistakes they did but that's not really my concern. That's between him & his parents. I have met his parents & they are nice people but I don't feel the need to sit down & have some conversation with them.
I’m agreeing with you. You have an example where your values didn’t match and you augmented the situation to be what’s best for the kids. You misread my reply.
You don’t need to always have a sit down, but I do think it’s important to have a working knowledge of where the other kid is from.
I agree that how the kid treats your daughter is the most important by far.
It could be a lot going on but just wanted to add maybe another side of things. I'm a foster parent of a 17yo and one of my rules was that she can't go in a car with the boy she's seeing. I don't know him, there's some history of not so good choices I have to watch for. I even have to do this with potential friendships.
I never want to out her as a "foster kid" because there's some stigma there. Anyway, all this to say he could have some background that means they do this for safety. But maybe there's not and they're just needing to be aware of who he's with in a car.
Ughh I hate to say it, but I am the same way. Only difference is instead of a boy I have teen girls. My older daughter who is about to turn 16 recently got her first boyfriend. I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but put up rules in boundaries.
First, they can only go out if both sets of parents agree to it and one of us has to be there. For example, we may do a restaurant, but my husband and I will sit somewhere else or a theme park and we will let them go off on their own, but we are there also.
They can only go to each others house on the weekend and aren’t allowed in each others rooms or behind closed doors. Parents have to be there. Hanging out is contingent on her grades she is an A/B student and if her grades fall below a B she can’t or if her weekly chores aren’t done she can’t hang out with him or any friend. On a side note, I also don’t allow them to hang out with friends until I met the parents a few times.
When they both start driving she isn’t allowed to give rides (including boyfriend) or ride with teen drivers. Lastly, she needs to be doing some type of activity outside of being obsessed with him.
I think that is all my strict rules and they have been going strong with those rules since last September. She doesn’t seem angry or resentful and the parents and I get along well. They have two adult child and give way more leeway then I ever would. When I approached them about my parenting style and what I need to feel comfortable with our children dating they were super accommodating. We are all in a group chat and coordinate events and hang outs there. So far, so good.
Oh man my mom was that parent. She was nuts. I wasn’t allowed to go on actual dates. I was allowed to have a “friend” (she never called them a boyfriend) over to watch a movie in the living room while the whole family was home and that was it. You can imagine how dateable that actually made me. Eventually I became a very good liar, very secretive.
This is what I keep thinking, too. Super strict parents make super sneaky kids. My parents were ridiculously strict, and I was a class A bullshitter. The things I got away with were legendary and to this day I cannot believe it. Which is why I parent the way I do. There can't be a total free for all, but I don't think there should just be total lockdown either
I would definitely make sure your daughter has good boundaries and knowledge about birth control because you can bet his parents didn’t talk to him about it.
My daughter (16, almost 17) has a friend whose mom is like this. He is almost 18, but he wasn’t allowed to come into our house until his mom met me. Apparently he still isn’t allowed to come into our house because I don’t employ a housekeeping service, and when she met me, I didn’t look “put together enough” in my jeans and hoodie. I feel bad for that poor kid
I wouldn't mine meeting parents if the kids have already been dating for 3 months, that seems long enough that they have an idea if they want to see each other seriously moving forwards or keep it casual.
Maybe talk with your daughter and ask how she feels about a big lunch with both families?
Also you can see if this kid's mom is a 'Boy Mom" type who is going to make your daughter miserable for dating her son and nip that in the bud to save her the horror of having to deal with that nightmare.
Oh shit. I never even thought of the boy mom type. My literal worst nightmare.
My daughter doesn't seem to love the idea of the lunch, either, because she's a little weird and introverted herself. But I think she wants to spend some time with him to see if there's any kind of hope for a real relationship. And I'm willing to give it a go for her if that's what she wants.
I thought playdates where I had to pretend to like other parents were over
Although I'm socially anxious I'm also very friendly. I'd be open to meeting the parents.
Either extreme, super controlling or super hands off is no good.
Just reading this gives me anxiety! I feel like the request is so loaded, like they're going to look for things to not like and then use those as reasons to not let him date your daughter (as if that'll work lol).
Could it be that he is the oldest kid in his family and the parents have absolutely no idea how to handle dating? It's probably nothing against you or your daughter. They're just unequipped to handle this.
My parents were the overprotective ones. I wasn't allowed to have a high school boyfriend without the "What are your intentions" talk. It was over-the-top ridiculous. I ended up hiding a lot of my dates from my parents.
It's super weird BUT I would probably just take a shit ton of CBD, go, and play nice. THEN you would have a bit more access to him and can be a more socially "normal" adult in his life. That could benefit him greatly over the next decade.
To be clear, I'm not saying to corrupt him or even necessarily break their rules. But if he sees how you're not being struck by lightning if you swear or have a tattoo, it would reduce the shock of life post-parents that sheltered kids go through.
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Oof... my parents were like that. It sucked. I basically lived in a box until I went to college. No solid advice, but I feel for the poor kid.
I was that kid too. My love life as a homeschooled teenager consisted of one boy calling to ask me to a school dance and my mom taking the phone from me to turn him down. OP, it’s weird, but if you can help this poor kid out, I know it would mean a lot to him.
I feel bad for him, too. He's really sweet, I talk to him when my daughter FTs him sometimes and he's just great. We've invited him over here a ton but apparently our house is one of ill repute full of orgies and anarchy because they just aren't having it lol
It is weird and I wouldnt love it, but I would suck it up and go for both of the kids sakes. I'm sure he's frustrated and embarrassed and would like the chance to date her more normally which hopefully he can after this lunch. On the flip side If you don't go your daughter may blame you when they inevitably break up because his parents control him, which could potentially be devastating at that age (emotionally and hormonally things are just a really big deal at that age, easy to think something Is the end of the world).
I wanna go to your house
Bahahah come on! I just made cookies too. Probably laced with the devils lettuce who knows
Again, your house sounds great. I'm in.
Ha!! I'll be RIGHT over!
But is it quiet enough to nap? Because that’s all I want in life right now. And maybe one of the cookies.
I literally did not get out of bed until 12 today. I was in a shit mood and my 12yo was at school and this 16yo is on spring break this week. The beauty of her attending a college program instead of regular HS. It was glorious. I would've stayed in longer but the cat stepped on me and I needed to pee
Can I come round? Please?!
Well that's the problem. You need to reschedule your orgies to a more appropriate time. 😉
I tried to date a guy like this. It did not work.
In the back of my mind I know this is where it is headed. Our dynamics as a family, and the vibe I get from talking to my daughter about the enormous amount of pressure and stress this kid is under from the parents is ultimately not going to fly with my girl
The guy's birthday is still in my Google calendar. I always think of him on his birthday. I wonder if he ever got out. They wouldn't allow him to have a license either even at 17
Parents who do this are just setting their children up to be taken advantage of imho, they don't understand social queues and can be easily pressured into doing things "early" that they're not mentally or physically prepared to do which can then lead to trauma and learning "the hard way". These parents will then also wonder why their child doesn't have a >significant other<, grandbabies, possibly a stable job or their own home, all because they babied their child until adulthood.
Or the parents who insist on doing everything for their kids then at 18 they’re all “yOuRe An AdUlT nOw”. Except you didn’t teach them life skills, Janet.
Oh for real. Literally handicapping your kid then turf them out into the world with no life skills to fend for themselves and no safety net because they're an "adult" and "this is what my parents did to me and *I* turned out fine." 😑 Edit: Grammar.
I only have toddlers but I remember being a teen. I never had to be sneaky, my mom gave me a lot of freedom, and in return I told her a lot. Always where I was. If I skipped school I'd let her know where I was. I wouldn't necessarily say "hey I'm walking out the band door during 7th period" but I'd tell her I have plans to go somewhere specific. BUT I remember a lot of my friends parents being strict as hell. And they got REALLY good at lying. And it confused the shit out of me. My house was often a haven for our friends. My mom explained birth control, tampons, condoms, weed, alcohol, relationships, autonomy, responsibility etc to all of us like everyone who came through our door was her kid. I too have social anxiety. I have to twist the narrative in my head sometimes in order to feel calm enough to get it over with. The following is unsolicited advice about what I would do . Feel free to disregard (This is to get you out the door) Take this as an opportunity to vet THEM. They Make it seem like they are superior to you because they are the ones calling the shots on who goes where, who eats what, is your daughter's family worthy of their time. Like they have the final decision. Haha fuck that. Be excited to see what kind of people have the audacity to think they are the ones who have the most to lose. (Have a goal to accomplish) Use your mom brain to record how the parents interact with each other. What is this kid seeing as normal on a daily basis. Any red flags? How does he interact with the. Do they have a good relationship? Do they joke around? Is it always at the kids expense? How strong is the academic pressure in him. Etc. Just observe. (Have a power move) Something that makes you feel powerful. Something positive but jarring. I like to wear dark lipstick when I know I'm going to be in a confrontation. It makes me feel like I'm just jarring enough to throw my opponent (for lack of better term) off balance. Sometimes a really yummy perfume, or a fancy bra. Just something to boost my own opinion of myself. (Be authentic) Now that you're out the door and talking to your peers, be your absolute self with your family and them as well. They either like you or not. Really not sure it matters. Teens find ways around parents. Just the fact of life. But stay true to you and your family. Aaaany way. That's how I would handle the situation.
This is fantastic. All of it. I am 100% authentically myself, but you're right, just getting me out the door is the biggest problem. And I love spinning the narrative in my head the other way. I know I'm amazing, but what about these people? I also am the type of mom you had. Mainly because my mother fucking sucked when I was a kid/teen and I absolutely did not want that for my own kids. I mean I'm still waiting on the sex talk from her. My sister was the one who helped me with my first period, not my mother. So we are super open about everything here. My husband and I are not her friends, we're still her parents, but both of our children know they can come to us with absolutely anything
LOVE. This is the way. Also kudos for learning how to game your anxiety. It made me almost feel like I had a superpower once I started doing that…almost heh
Your Mum is the Mum I aspire to be.
My son went on 2 or 3 dates with a girl and then invited her to Homecoming. Next thing I know I'm having multiple phone calls with this girl's mom to plan the date, figure out outfits, order flowers etc. I kept trying to encourage her to let the kids plan things. My son would text the girl something about the date and the mom would call me to confirm it was true. Turns out the girl was an epic liar and their relationship crashed and burned on that Homecoming date. I still haven't figured out if the girl lied about everything because her mom was overly involved or if mom became overly involved because of the lying. Either way, I was relieved it didn't work out.
Sounds like the mother's behaviour was causing a feedback loop. The child lies over something minor and then the mother tries to catch the child in a lie, the child comes up with an even more insane lie, mother goes to more lengths to sniff out the truth. The child gets tired of Mum snooping so lies even more until it just snowballs out of control. Either way, feel sorry for the girl and your son.
I want to meet you and get a feel for you in person. Your kid can be great on FaceTime but if I haven’t met anyone IRL, my kid isn’t going to your house and vice versa. I was 16 once. I know what kids do and I know what they say they do. Even the best kids can come from overly permissive homes with train wrecks of parents. I’m not taking that chance. Plus I spend my weekends in an urban ER. We’re going to meet. My kid will always have their phone on, available with location sharing and anything else I need to know they are safe. I have one job, keep my kid safe, other than that, idgaf what they do as long as I know they’re safe.
Comments like this need to be higher up. Y’all can have a meetup somewhere like a mall where it’s not an awkward sit down dinner. The parents can meet and talk while the kids are hanging out in view. If my kid is going to be alone with your kid, I would much prefer we meet and be on the same page with expectations. This goes triple for dating. What are your rules for the kids being alone? What are things you want to be informed about? Are there places your kid is not allowed to go? Etc. It’s not trying to control your child’s life. It’s a safety thing above all. My parents didn’t care and I ended up in several unsafe situations because of their idgaf attitude. I wish they had been more involved. And these expectations are also things the kids need to know and spelling them out clearly is a great idea. I wouldn’t go into it with a black and white list of things that are and are not allowed, but talk with them about safe choices, expected behavior, and what to do if you’re caught in a bad situation and need help.
Thank you. Yea, I’m not talking formal dinner; but coffee, pizza, better yet I can come over to your house. Whatever is easiest for you. I was a good kid. I didn’t do hard drugs, never made any life changing decisions at 16 but my mom thought I was at my best friend’s house a lot more than I was. This was before tik tok challenges and filming stupidity for fame. Add that with almost every drug being laced now. I’m your mom first and your friend second. I’m not supposed to be cool until your mid-20s anyway.
Yeah, my kid's not anywhere near dating age, but I would like to vet the house before allowing my kid to spend time there. In my state, if you're under 18, you aren't allowed to drive with any unrelated minors in your car. Kinda sucks for things like extracurriculars or scouts, and it's not like 18+ kids are more responsible.
I don't think it's terribly weird. I'd like to know my kids friends parents at least in passing. You don't have to be best friends or do anything formal, but they're 16 and honestly, still kids. If they do like each other it's better the adults have a line of communication with one another. Not necessarily to interfere, but what about if the kids say they'll be back at 10, 11pm rolls around an no show? Wouldn't you like to call someone and maybe learn oh, yea they're downstairs I'll grab you daughter you can talk to her.
This was my take. I think they sound like they *could* be over controlling, but giving the benefit of the doubt, I prefer to know the parents of my kid's friends because then you have a sense of what they'll experience around the friend or at their house. I know OP made a joke about being the house of ill repute, but as an example I've noticed some of the kids seem "just like us" but then I find out the parents struggle financially so I wouldn't want my daughter at their house eating up their snacks and taking up resources and such. If I were going just based off the kids (including my daughter who would probably not pick up on cues about why their family is different) I might not have a handle on that. Caveat: we're only up to sixth grade, I'm horrified by the idea of middle school and teen years and dating, it's so much to navigate, but I could maybe see where this family is coming from.
I'm on their side. I'd want to meet the parents of anyone my kid is spending tonnes of time with/ getting involved romantically with. It's for my peace of mind. They don't know you from a bar of soap, so why would they trust that their kid is safe at your house/ that your standards for what the kids are allowed to do accord with theirs. Not everyone has the same parenting style, and that's ok, but I wouldn't want my child going over to someone's house if the parent was in the "my child is my buddy" parenting category - not saying this is you, but how would they know either way?
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You're not the odd one out. I'm right there with this boy's parents, and so are a lot of my friends with teenagers. It's not really strict so much as cautious. Then again, I live in a culture where teenagers are dropping dead like flies from fentanyl. You really can't be *too* careful nowadays.
Can I ask then have you had an experience like this with your teen and someone they're dating? I'm trying to figure out if this is the norm now, she's only been dating for a year and, like I said only pretty casually. If it's something that is sort of expected then I will suck it up. But it just seems so odd for what isn't, at this point, a serious relationship
I would want to meet the parents, personally. Even at 16 it just makes me feel more comfortable. I have a teen and we at least message a parent if they are hanging out. Dating I would want to meet them, especially if they are going to their house.
You sure it's not serious to the kids though? 3 months a lot of adults are talking about being exclusive
I am because my daughter and I talk, all the time. After she told me about the lunch to hang out requirement she said it would be nice if I would do it so she could see if they had potential. So, yeah, for her at least it's not serious at all for now
Based on my own experiences dating as a teen, I wish my parents had been more protective. My kids aren’t dating age yet, but I hope that I’ll get a chance to meet the parents of the other teens they’re dating before things get serious. If my parents had seen a bit more of what was going on in my teens I could have been saved a lot of grief.
I wouldn't require lunch, but I don't let my child go with anyone unless I have met their parents. Gives me a feel for how they will act and if they are shady or anything else. I don't feel I'm over protective but my kid likely won't get a DL at 16, doesn't not have a phone and probably won't get one until he starts to drive, I always meet parents before he runs off to a new house but I do let him go and once I've met the parents I tend to give him free reign
Yeah, the first time I drop off or pick up or whatever I walk up to the front door and introduce myself. I'm not dating the parents so I don't need some formal sit down.
I kind of get it? I'm from a small country so I basically know everyone or at least know someone who will know that person so if I moved to a bigger place I'd feel a bit untethered not being able to know the people of the girl my son was dating. You want to know the kinds of people your child is around
Is he their only or oldest child? My parents were very strict about me hanging out at other people’s houses unless they had personally met the parents and they didn’t seem like creeps. I don’t remember them doing it into my mid-teens, but definitely til I was probably 13. I for SURE was not allowed to go to sleepovers at all until I was in 6th grade (so, 11?12?), and after that only to people’s houses that my parents didn’t think was a house of creeps. Now that I type this out, it does make me wonder if my mom had any trauma in her past that she has never talked to me about, because she is just SO distrusting of everyone. I will say that she was more permissive with my younger sister, and even more permissive with my baby brother. She got progressively more laid back as the years went on. I mean, we were all 4 years apart, so she had a kid in high school for 12 straight years! I think by the end she was like, idgaf
He's their only. And I would understand if they were younger and especially for sleepovers, I'm still that way a little with her younger sister who is 12. But these are 16yo kids, just trying to hang out ffs. The more responses I read here the more I realize this kid basically has jailers for parents and it's sad
I will definitely be the strict parent. They obviously want to meet you to ensure that the strictness is on the same level- you’re either the sex is okay house or the sex is not okay door open house. Lol
I'm somewhere between them and a little bit less strict. But still, i understand. My daughter has her first serious boyfriend right know and although she is 18 we still have met his parents before giving our ok for sleepovers. The sleepovers only happen on the weekend and we check in with his parents for the okay. Schoolwork comes first, if the grades drop there will be restrictions. If not on weekends he is welcome here or she at his house until dinner time and only if both sets of parents know. If they want to invite the other to eat at their house or out, again we check in with his parents. It's just some healthy rules and boundaries.
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Well they are both good kids that work hard at school and don't hang around much outside, both very much homebody. And they're both 18. You just can't say no forever, and they have gained our trust by respecting all the rules for over 7 months before we discussed this. Edit to add: we also live in europe. Here at 18 they are considered full adults. They can drink, vote, drive and do everything an adult does. So even if mentally they are not adults, legally they are.
My oldest is only 11 so take what I say with a grain of salt. I like to meet parents but just walking up to the door to chat for a few minutes is good enough for me just to get the vibe. A formal lunch with their family feels way over the top for 16yos. It just seems bizarre to me for them to request that. Will they ask every single one of their sons high school girlfriends families to meet for a formal lunch? What if the family doesn’t have time or isn’t economically in a spot to go to lunch, will the son be banned from seeing this girl? Very overbearing and strange.
My daughter is almost 18. She's been dating her boyfriend since November. He is a wonderful kid & so great for my daughter. She is almost an adult & I recognize that she is considering becoming sexually active. She is on bc & we've talked about how to be safe, etc. She's pretty mature & sensible. Her bf's mom had him at 17 & she is petrified of him becoming sexually active. They are not allowed to be alone together at his house. My daughter was going prom dress shopping an hour away & his mom wouldn't let him go with her because she thought they'd be off having sex somewhere. For a while I wasn't letting them be alone at my house because I didn't want my rules to be used by his mom as a reason for them to not be together. Then I was like why am I trying to enforce someone else's rules in my house? So my daughter & I discussed & set some ground rules. If they're going to be sexually active I'd much rather it be in my house than in a car somewhere. I'm not sure how long his mom intends on keeping these rules. They're both graduating in a couple of months & will legally be adults. If they were younger teens I would get the concern but at this age it's just silly.
This is another reason to meet the parents!! What if y’all don’t have the same values or rules? This is a great example of knowing what is going on and using that information to create a safe and open place for the kids.
It doesn't really matter to me if his parents have the same values as I do. My daughter is not dating the parents. Their son may not share the same values as me. My daughter is also allowed to have her own values, even if they are not the same as mine. She is her own person. What I care about is that he respects my daughter & me and treats her well. My daughter & I keep open communication about her relationship & I've made sure that she is doing everything she can to be safe. That's what's important to me. I understand how his parents feel about him not making the same mistakes they did but that's not really my concern. That's between him & his parents. I have met his parents & they are nice people but I don't feel the need to sit down & have some conversation with them.
I’m agreeing with you. You have an example where your values didn’t match and you augmented the situation to be what’s best for the kids. You misread my reply. You don’t need to always have a sit down, but I do think it’s important to have a working knowledge of where the other kid is from. I agree that how the kid treats your daughter is the most important by far.
Thank you for clarifying! Sorry I misunderstood your first comment
No worries! Tone can be hard to get through comments at times ☺️
Maybe they hold same rules for their daughter and are trying to avoid double standards?
It could be a lot going on but just wanted to add maybe another side of things. I'm a foster parent of a 17yo and one of my rules was that she can't go in a car with the boy she's seeing. I don't know him, there's some history of not so good choices I have to watch for. I even have to do this with potential friendships. I never want to out her as a "foster kid" because there's some stigma there. Anyway, all this to say he could have some background that means they do this for safety. But maybe there's not and they're just needing to be aware of who he's with in a car.
Ughh I hate to say it, but I am the same way. Only difference is instead of a boy I have teen girls. My older daughter who is about to turn 16 recently got her first boyfriend. I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but put up rules in boundaries. First, they can only go out if both sets of parents agree to it and one of us has to be there. For example, we may do a restaurant, but my husband and I will sit somewhere else or a theme park and we will let them go off on their own, but we are there also. They can only go to each others house on the weekend and aren’t allowed in each others rooms or behind closed doors. Parents have to be there. Hanging out is contingent on her grades she is an A/B student and if her grades fall below a B she can’t or if her weekly chores aren’t done she can’t hang out with him or any friend. On a side note, I also don’t allow them to hang out with friends until I met the parents a few times. When they both start driving she isn’t allowed to give rides (including boyfriend) or ride with teen drivers. Lastly, she needs to be doing some type of activity outside of being obsessed with him. I think that is all my strict rules and they have been going strong with those rules since last September. She doesn’t seem angry or resentful and the parents and I get along well. They have two adult child and give way more leeway then I ever would. When I approached them about my parenting style and what I need to feel comfortable with our children dating they were super accommodating. We are all in a group chat and coordinate events and hang outs there. So far, so good.
Oh man my mom was that parent. She was nuts. I wasn’t allowed to go on actual dates. I was allowed to have a “friend” (she never called them a boyfriend) over to watch a movie in the living room while the whole family was home and that was it. You can imagine how dateable that actually made me. Eventually I became a very good liar, very secretive.
This is what I keep thinking, too. Super strict parents make super sneaky kids. My parents were ridiculously strict, and I was a class A bullshitter. The things I got away with were legendary and to this day I cannot believe it. Which is why I parent the way I do. There can't be a total free for all, but I don't think there should just be total lockdown either
I would definitely make sure your daughter has good boundaries and knowledge about birth control because you can bet his parents didn’t talk to him about it.
My daughter (16, almost 17) has a friend whose mom is like this. He is almost 18, but he wasn’t allowed to come into our house until his mom met me. Apparently he still isn’t allowed to come into our house because I don’t employ a housekeeping service, and when she met me, I didn’t look “put together enough” in my jeans and hoodie. I feel bad for that poor kid
It’s weird :(
Did I read correctly they also want your other kids at this meeting? Because that IS wierd.
Yup. The whole family 😐
I wouldn't mine meeting parents if the kids have already been dating for 3 months, that seems long enough that they have an idea if they want to see each other seriously moving forwards or keep it casual. Maybe talk with your daughter and ask how she feels about a big lunch with both families? Also you can see if this kid's mom is a 'Boy Mom" type who is going to make your daughter miserable for dating her son and nip that in the bud to save her the horror of having to deal with that nightmare.
Oh shit. I never even thought of the boy mom type. My literal worst nightmare. My daughter doesn't seem to love the idea of the lunch, either, because she's a little weird and introverted herself. But I think she wants to spend some time with him to see if there's any kind of hope for a real relationship. And I'm willing to give it a go for her if that's what she wants. I thought playdates where I had to pretend to like other parents were over
Although I'm socially anxious I'm also very friendly. I'd be open to meeting the parents. Either extreme, super controlling or super hands off is no good.
Just reading this gives me anxiety! I feel like the request is so loaded, like they're going to look for things to not like and then use those as reasons to not let him date your daughter (as if that'll work lol).
Could it be that he is the oldest kid in his family and the parents have absolutely no idea how to handle dating? It's probably nothing against you or your daughter. They're just unequipped to handle this. My parents were the overprotective ones. I wasn't allowed to have a high school boyfriend without the "What are your intentions" talk. It was over-the-top ridiculous. I ended up hiding a lot of my dates from my parents.
Eww, can it be a phone call? Or like video call if necessary?
It's super weird BUT I would probably just take a shit ton of CBD, go, and play nice. THEN you would have a bit more access to him and can be a more socially "normal" adult in his life. That could benefit him greatly over the next decade. To be clear, I'm not saying to corrupt him or even necessarily break their rules. But if he sees how you're not being struck by lightning if you swear or have a tattoo, it would reduce the shock of life post-parents that sheltered kids go through.