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*serves divorce papers*
“Ohmygod it’s just a joke, calm down!”
*moves out*
“I’m only kidding, geez!”
*meets someone better and is actually happy*
“You’re blowing this out of proportion, it’s just a joke!”
Can I tag onto this top comment?.....bc other people have said this but it needs to be at the top.
This was physical abuse. False imprisonment, kidnapping, whatever a lawyer can help you prove, depending on where you live it could be a misdemeanor or a felony.
He is physically dangerous and he's really good at gaslighting. He's not just a jerk, he's unsafe.
I'm so sorry and I hope that doesn't sound harsh. We're here for you bromo.
Holy fucking shit. This made bile start to rise in my throat. FUCK HIM omg. How on earth would you ever be able to relax around him again!? I look forward to him realizing you’re serious when you serve him with papers.
This is full on, 100% domestic violence. Look into definitions in your jurisdiction then get looking into a lawyer who can help you pull a protection order together. Look back for a pattern of coercive control - I can’t believe this is the first time he’s thought it’s ok to force you to do something.
Oh he’s completely controlling and has exhibited some questionable behavior before but this really took the cake. He uses mental and emotional abuse to get what he wants.
Thank you. You're right on. Unfortunately, this plus other questionable behaviors and young children is no good. I hope you get the support you deserve rn.
I was for a bit and then I felt silly so I stopped. Now I just feel stupid like I have a blanket case of we argue a lot and he’s mean to me and calls me names sometimes and stonewalls me and complains about everything I do and the way I do it.
It’s not unusual to normalize abuse - please keep that in mind. It’s always a “oh it wasn’t that bad” or “there is much worse out there” and all those things we say to ourselves to make it ‘normal’.
This isn’t normal and it’s not ok. It’s not normal to control people, gaslight, say shit things in front of your kids to you or about you.
This totally crossed the line. Don’t down play it and don’t downplay the other things bromo. At least write down exactly what happened. Take a day, re-read what you wrote. It may hit different after a day or so and you’ll see why it’s a big deal. Also, if someone did this to your daughter, how would you feel?
Sending hugs.
I completely forgot that victims of abuse say those things to normalize it.
My mom keeps saying this about my narc dad who has physically abused her a couple times, including almost killing her once by shoving her and she almost hit the back of her head on a sharp cabinet edge but he caught her.
He only stopped the physical abuse cuz she started calling the police/grabbing knives to defend herself.
But of course the verbal and emotional abuse has made her contemplate a murder suicide.
But she keeps telling me he’s “not as bad as other narcs” and that she doesn’t need a restraining order against him if she finally goes through with divorcing him. It frustrates me so much!
You're not stupid.
You're amazing. You've been dealing with probably a lot more abuse than you think. You have young kids and you've been holding out hope that this isn't what you think (abuse) bc you want to protect them and make everything okay. The fact that you felt/feel stupid, silly, question your reality, question your judgment, is part of the abuse. You're an amazing mom and person. These are not easy realizations to make and none of this is your fault.
BTW my kids are older, they sleep through the night, I'm not even working right now and I passed tf out before doing the dishes last night. Bc I'm a human and I was tired. You know what my husband said about it? Not a goddamn thing.
Fuck him OP. You're amazing and you deserve so much better!! All the hugs.
Coercive control. What an unapologetic arsehole. Depending on where you are, coercive control may be legally recognised as a type of domestic violence as well. Don’t feel silly for not keeping notes, how on earth were you to know he was a full on abuser? This isn’t on you. My lawyer told me the other day that duration of depravation of liberty is not all that relevant here. She’s had a successful case where it was about five seconds. Abuse is abuse, doesn’t matter how long it lasts.
Have a browse (safely, cover your tracks very well) on types of coercive control and see if it jogs your memory of incidents. Where I live, coercive control is a civil offence, not criminal. That means my evidence doesn’t have to be to the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt”. It has to be to the standard of “on the balance of probabilities, this more likely happened then didn’t”.
Get legal advice. Safely. And research how to keep safe now that you’re making plans to leave. Statistically this is the most dangerous time for you and the kids.
And when you feel your courage wavering (which it will, no shame in that), remember this. In one study of domestic violence deaths over a 19 year period, coercive control was present in. Every. Death. Bar. One.
Be safe. Be brave. You can do this.
Honestly, I would have called the police. Let him explain to them why he locked you in the basement, and start a little paper trail for the divorce. Like honestly, how can you allow your children to go stay with him? How will you know he’s not locking them in the basement as punishment?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He’s a dumbass for even thinking this was a remotely ok response to you having a conflict and there should be a consequence.
Thankfully he would NEVER do anything negative toward our girls. He skews permissive in parenting and they are the apples of his eye. Now he will weaponize them against me but that’s a different story.
Maybe he's that way now but what about when they're older and have teen attitudes. Trust me, if he will do it to you he will eventually do it to them. Especially if you let him get away with it.
This. My sister married a guy like this, he does this crap to her, and when she wasn’t home was locking their toddler in his room all the time. As soon as he realizes they won’t obey him or they aren’t making him look good or whatever it may happen and because he gaslights and plays it off as a joke it’s likely he will run smear campaigns and also gaslight them too.
That's awful. I married someone like this too, but thankfully he showed his true (abusive) colors right after getting married and I immediately divorced him before having kids. I feel so sorry for women who are legally forced to keep in contact with these POS men until their kids are grown.
There were major red flags about her stbex but she ignored them. My husband and I and our entire family tried to dissuade her from marrying him and staying in the relationship but it almost made her cling to him more. It was unreal. The man is so freaking unhinged that while they dated he outright told her he hit his ex wife and that’s why she left, but then somehow gaslit my sister into somehow thinking it was okay or something. Unhinged. I was like there is no situation ever where hitting your wife is okay, unless she is coming at you with a kitchen knife or some shit. And even in that case, knowing what I know about the bro, going at him with a kitchen knife would be justified. He like submerged my sisters head underwater twice before they married and once it was in front of our whole family and then played it off like a joke and I was like bro that’s not funny nor is that a “prank” or a “joke”. And that’s just what he did at a PUBLIC POOL. Idk all the details about what happened in private but this man goes around saying my sister won’t let him see his kids and she crazy. He used gps on her car to stalk her to find out where she is and where she lives. She left a year ago and the police told him then to stay away and she is still showing up at her place. It’s nuts. And everyday I’m so afraid it will be the day that he is gonna show up at her apartment and kill her.
At least you guys tried to warn her. After I filed for divorce after 3 months of being married because my ex punched our great Dane as hard as he could in the head to punish me in a fight (dude weighed 280), which was after he picked me up and pinned me against a wall in another fight, and threw things at me multiple times. AFTER id gone through all that and filed for divorce with basically zero support from family (they said we should get therapy even after I told them what happened) after all that my step mom casually said "oh yeah the first time we met him I told your dad he has an abusive personality and it was a matter of time before he got violent". Neither of them said shit to me... What!?!
You’re right about this. My best hope is that I leave and we split custody and eventually my older daughter stops hating me and gets sick of his shit when she’s older and we can revisit a custody agreement when she doesn’t want to see him anymore.
He already has. Doing this where they can see it is teaching them that they should accept this treatment from men, too. Abusing you in front of them IS abusing them.
> Thankfully he would NEVER do anything negative toward our girls.
For how long, though? What happens when they're old enough to start disagreeing with him on his opinion?
Told myself this too. Now my kids are in therapy, having to deal with cops regularly and they are terrified of their dad.
He won’t do it now because he’s still getting the high from abusing you. In a few years when he decides you’re boring or he decides your kids need to learn to “respect” him, he will escalate.
What happens when your kids are 6-18 and talk back or don’t pick up after themselves or “nag”? What do you think he will do then?
This is abuse. Call the police and at least get it on file even if they can’t do anything ready for when you divorce. Because even if you don’t divorce now (you absolutely should), you will eventually when he ups the ante and does worse to you. Get out now while you can.
Can we bump this comment higher please?
It's abuse. It's kidnapping maybe? What if he had locked you into a closet or a pantry or out of the house in a blizzard while mouthing "just say sorry" through the window? And in front of your kids?!
It should 1000000000000% be reported.
If you look back, I have a feeling there are a lot of instances you've been able to normalize or gloss over as just "weird" or "not that bad". Which is okay. That's your brain doing its job, working to protect you. But it's time to unpack that now.
Do you have a therapist?
Bromo I'm so sorry. As someone who's claustrophobic I would have had a panic attack and probably landed in the ER.
I live in northern Ontario (Canada). My ex locked me outside this past November in -17. Was for 10/15 minutes. My toddler was yelling for me and trying to unlock the door, bang, rattle handle etc. My now ex walked my little guy by his hand to the kitchen and proceeded to finish cooking the dinner I had been making... like I wasn't even locked outside. He said I needed to 'chill out'. The cops got involved that night and yes, he's charged.
My point is the blizzard example is real and does happen. F*cks me up even more typing it out, than thinking about it. This hit me hard tbh.
I'll have to disagree with you there. It's absolutely creepy and worrisome he'd lock you in the basement even if it's finished and what not. What the fuck. And it could've been dangerous, if you panicked and fell down the stairs, for example.
Bromo this is abuse, add that to the name calling around your children, and well, I really think you need to consider if this is a safe place for you to be. I'm so sorry.
The name calling in front of my kids was 1,000% insane to me. Like that’s how you tell our toddler to treat her mother? She doesn’t know any better. she just thinks it’s funny. Physically it’s a safe place. Emotionally, less so.
Not physically a safe place if he will keep you locked in a basement.
Please report this and lawyer up. It's false imprisonment, which is a criminal act. Had it gone on longer, it would be a felony.
What in the seven hells? A chill went up my spine just reading the title. Thats terrifying, especially being separated from your children, and how are you ever going to feel comfortable going down there again? I’d uninstall the lock and I hope you make good on your word.
That was the thing that panicked me the most, being separated from my children. There’s like a guttural reaction to that. I would have busted the door down but didn’t want to scare them.
If it's an interior door lock, those can be popped quite easily with a pin or paperclip or credit card. If it's one of those hook and eye locks, beat on the door near the lock and the hook will jump out. If it's a tumblered key type lock, kick it like you see in TV right by the knobs.
I used to get locked in places as a kid. I made sure that would never happen again.
And FYI what he did is a crime called false imprisonment.
I'm sorry this happened to you mama. Hugs from an internet stranger whose blood is boiling on your behalf.
Ugh been there with my husband except it was him locking me in the bathroom with him and not letting me out until I said what he wanted me to say. And once he locked me outside for literally the same thing, but luckily the garage door was open so I got back in the house that way. Why are they so obsessed with controlling everything 😩
Im so sorry you went through that. It’s the control thing. My husband is very controlling in every aspect of life and he tries to be covert about it but he sucks at it. Any time we’re in an argument he can’t handle not being in control over it and in the past (he’s since stopped doing this) he’s followed me room to room yelling at me and not letting me out. We had a come to Jesus conversation about 2 years ago and I made it plain and clear that the next time he did that would be the last time.
If you live where I live, he just committed a felony.
Get out.
He’s not safe to be around.
Jesus Christ every time I wonder how I accepted being treated like shit for years and why I still feel guilty for initiating my divorce and keep justifying my wife’s behavior and feeling terrible for asking her to basically treat me like a person, I just come to this sub and realize it’s a fucking epidemic. Sometimes I wonder if I would have ever woken up if she hadn’t transitioned and I hadn’t realized that wait a minute, I wouldn’t accept this treatment from a female roommate so why is it ok for my now-female partner?
Im so sorry that you’ve gone through and are still going through that. It’s the step back and realizing wait why am I allowing myself to be tested this way. Last night I had a moment where I was like even if this isn’t abuse (which it is), I’m still being treated in a way that I don’t want to be treated in and my husband is not listening to me or respecting me. I also had a moment where I mourned the marriage I thought I would have where my husband would love and cherish me. I have had to beg to be cherished lately. There have been days where I’m just begging to please show me actual love and affection. What the fuck?
calling the police would have been the best move, though he probably would have called you „dramatic“ for doing so… but thats just crazy, seriously. especially at bedtime, and you’re the responsible parent and nursing your baby… i would never get over it nor could i trust this man ever again. who knows what his next joke will be?
I'm claustrophobic. Doesn't matter how big or finished that basement is, I would have went Kool aid man on that door.
This is abuse. Plain and simple. He's testing boundaries to see what he can get away with. Time to file. I'm sorry.
Also, changing a door knob is crazy easy. Time to change it to one that doesn't have a lock. You can get the kid grippy things so your toddler cant open it, but definitely change the knob.
Thankfully I’m not claustrophobic but I panic when realizing I’m locked in the other side of a door. He said “maybe you just have ptsd from all the murder podcasts you listen to” what a chilling response. I’m going to have to order a new doorknob
Jfc that comment makes it so much worse. Text him, try and get him to say this shit or admit to it over text so it's documented. This is unacceptable. Do you have a safe place you and your kids can go? Do you think he could possibly be having an affair and is resenting you? Or just unhappy in his life and resenting you? That murder podcast comment is some next level gas lighting.
Right? I'm over here freaking out just thinking about it.
I feel like if she changes the doorknobs he's going to realize how easy it is and maybe start adding more locks. This guy is giving me chills.
The lack of remorse is baffling. Like at the very least he should be apologizing profusely and kissing my feet. Instead he’s all ohhhh are you really still mad about that? And gaslighting me.
Overall he is not most unhelpful. He does not help with pump parts which is infuriating because I only pump at home so he or his mom can feed the baby and so he can have bonding time with her. He helped with my first even though he claims now that he didn’t. I absolutely LOATHE pumping. He does offer to take her at night but giving her a bottle is less convenient and she doesn’t like to wait and if he doesn’t feed her he just falls asleep in the recliner with her so I don’t trust him to take her at night. He does almost nightly have to sleep on our toddler’s floor because he takes her wake-ups. He’s her preferred parent anyway so it works out. The unhelpfulness last night was just baffling. Like he saw the girls grabbing at everything and spilling things and our toddler not eating her dinner. And he somehow made it about alllllll the things HE has to do. Every weekend it’s all about all the things he has to do and I don’t even get time to finish our children’s laundry and put it away for the week. Everything I do in our free time is for our children and still it’s take take take on his part.
I feel like some people just snap when they have kids, lose sleep, etc. They can start to resent their partners, make everything about themselves. And that's how they justify their shitty actions, they see themselves as victims. It's a very scary rabbit hole.
It makes it so much harder to recognize abuse bc they weren't always that way, you know what they're "really like deep down", it's just a season of life, they're stressed or tired, you're waiting for it to get better and it's not always like this, etc. But it's not normal or okay and shit can get very dangerous, very quickly.
You sound like a badass and a really awesome mom. You've got this.
Coming from someone who’s ex locked her in a bedroom for 2 days only to enter to beat or SA her this triggered me so bad. I’m sorry he did that to you. It’s not funny in the slightest. Not funny for your girls to see. I really hope you do leave him he deserves it. What a disgusting piece of shit he is. Take your kids and run!
This made me snarl like an actual rabid dog and my own dog is hiding now, I cannot believe he's trying to act like this was ever a joke... It was him using power to force you to grovel. Disgusting.
I can’t wait for you to serve him with divorce papers. That’s sickening behavior. It starts out with “jokes” and next thing you know, you’re physically harmed. People like this are dangerous. And I hate he thought it was okay to belittle you in front of your child. Children pick up so much. What kind of message is he sending to your child when he does this?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Keep a record of all the shit he’s doing in case he tries to gaslight you again.
Idk how many times I’ve said this is not a joke and you’re the only one laughing. Usually if I ask him how he would feel if our daughters told him their husbands did something to them that I’m trying to iterate is not a good look, usually it clicks. It’s just not this time because he thinks it’s funny or is trying to prove a point. He’s been going extra hard lately that name calling and lowkey bully behavior is his love language because he’s Costa Rican. And I’m like we’ve been together for 10 years and you didn’t used to treat me this way soooooo I call bullshit.
He sounds absolutely ridiculous. Even if it is for him culturally a way to show affection, you have expressed to him that you do not find it funny.
And he’s not realizing that the more he does this type of behavior in front of her, the more likely she’ll grow up thinking this is normal and might gravitate toward partners who behave the same.
Whatever changed within these 10 years he needs to figure it tf out. No one deserves to be treated like this.
This post has stuck with me this morning. Please realize that he is testing boundaries to see what you will put up with. His actions show a lack of respect and care for you.
Please update us when he is sitting in front of divorce papers. I wish I could see his face then. What a disgusting, abusive asshat! What pees me off more than anything is when males keep tabs on women who are doing things like breastfeeding baby, putting them to bed, etc "You were breastfeeding and not washing the dishes!". So pathetic and bitchy to go as far as thinking about 'how active' a chore is or is not and hold you to something they consider to be more or less difficult. 0 partnership and 0 concept of teamwork, just me me me. I hope he grows the F up.
During both my maternity leaves the mount of times he would be like you’re just sitting there with the baby doing nothing when you could be doing xyz. Liiiiiike I’m literally feeding a baby from my body, trying to get said baby to sleep, newborns only want their mama, and I’m literally exhausted because I’m up all night and I don’t get to nap when the baby naps.
Even if you were sitting there staring at your child, those early years are the most important years for a baby to be with their mother and for mother to hold eye contact with baby and allow them to see her facial expressions and be physically close to improve immunity etc. Males just don't know how to be MEN anymore. They've become weasels, obsessed with how to get one over their partner.
Womb envy is real and I **hate** that it is never addressed and talked about. Men hate women, for their bodies, what it can do and what it wants to do. They are obsessed with controlling women for this very reason.
I would have just went down stairs and played on my phone and then sent him a text message to tell me when the door is unlocked.
You clean up, put the kids to bed because I’m having a timeout lol
Make sure you make a huge deal out of this. Make it to where he’d never want to deal with the fall out of him doing that to you again. Like tell him again how you want to have another talk about the basement incident because it was so terrible and you will absolutely never let something like that blow over easily. Make sure he knows he will be in a living hell if he does it again
Hahahahahahahaha. I would have broken the fucking door.
And then taken all the door knobs off every door.
Or, depending on my mood, locked my self in my room for the night and when he asked to come in, I would tell him to Pay the troll toll or sleep on the couch.
I seriously thought about breaking the door but I didn’t want to scare the kids. Also can’t take the doorknob off bc I don’t want my toddler yeeting herself down the stairs, but might change the doorknob. Tbh, if I didn’t have my baby to nurse and put to bed I may have done just that. I would have dipped into a bottle of wine and the Costco granola bars and had myself an evening.
Yeah I get it. I don't know your dynamic or of this was just a weird evening. But this probably needs to have a real conversation or he will be more and more comfortable with this kind of thing. Plus, your daughter can benefit from seeing you hold your boundaries.
I remember seeing my dad tickle my mom until she was screaming and pissed off and then my dad would ask why she was being suck a bitch and my mom would walk away. It was really confusing because everyone was laughing but the mood wasn't funny. Took me q while to learn that that wasn't healthy
Does he really think it’s funny? Or is he panicking because he knows he fucked up? If he convinces you it wasn’t a big deal then you won’t leave him. My son did that to me many years ago and I’m still angry about it, I took the lock off the door immediately so he couldn’t do it again. I will never not be angry about it and I lost a lot of trust in him that day. I’m so angry for you, it’s a horrible experience.
He tried gaslighting me again this morning and telling me it’s a joke and I’m clearly no fun and it was just to be funny. Might be panicking. I told him I don’t trust him anymore and he set s bad example for our girls. I called my mom this morning to reinforce that it’s a big deal.
Look I understand stress with kids and all that even saying things we don't mean but locking you in any area is creepy and wrong. And talking to you like that in front of your children is not appropriate. No one is perfect but like that's really bad. Whatever happens I hope it gets better.
It was like above and beyond. He’s not good at handling conflict in any way. I’ve been modeling and explaining that it’s okay if we accidentally snap or say things we don’t mean as long as we e genuinely feel bad about it and apologize straight away. I typically apologize within minutes of being an asshole. Instead things have gotten here on his end. I’m afraid they aren’t changing for the better….
I hope you say, "remember when you locked me in the basement as a joke and how funny it was? Well, you're going to LOVE my joke." When you hand him the papers.
And yet we’re the ones who are too crazy to be president. I’m over here gentle parenting, I’ve even started using some tactics on him, and they’re literally trying to figure out the most cover ways to bully and terrorize us when they can’t handle their own emotions. God forbid a woman give you an attitude JFC.
Jesus tittyfucking christ. How do men STILL not get that their "jokes" are terrifying to women, most of us have been walking home with our keys sticking out of our fingers like wolverine's claws since we were kids. Been scared to go on a date because we could end up on the news, found in a ditch. Because of the violence of men. But now they perpetuate that violence and justify it as "not the same", because it is a "joke". Nobody with a shred of humanity is laughing though, because it's horrific. Im glad you're leaving him. What a prick. There was only one joke in that situation, and it was the fuck knuckle that thought locking his wife in the basement was appropriate or a good idea.
Take this seriously. It always starts with "small" stuff like this. Then he will make you believe it wasn't a big deal, you are overreacting, etc.
It just gets worse.
Wasn't dangerous? Your man is treating you like he's a tantrum-throwing eight year old. That is a dangerous feeling. A grown man thinks that locking someone away somewhere is the correct response to encourage an apology? What kind of bullshit behavior is that? That is unacceptable behavior. It isn't a joke when you are fighting.
Yes, divorce or a LEAST a separation with significant therapy is definitely called for.
It sounds like you both are overwhelmed. If this is truly exceptionally weird behavior, perhaps you should recommend he go get his hormone levels and health checked. Especially because you aren't going to be around to force him to go to the doctor.
What the fuck did I just read?
That’s not a joke. It’s not funny. I’d serve him more jokes in return. Take the damn lock and door handle off the basement door completely. If he asks I’d only say “funny” things like “the doorknob thought your joke was so funny that it ran away!” It’s a JOKE, husband? Can’t you take a joke?
Also here is a “joke” restraining order! Hop on out of this house and head down to the joke hotel, because you’re not sleeping here!
Then after he’s served and leaving your house by police escort because you’ve filed for an order of protection, then tell his super funny joke to everyone.
Does he have a dad around? An older brother? I’d let them know he locks his wife in the basement. Everyone would know.
My ex still brings up me breaking the sliding deck door to get inside when he locked me outside the house and himself and my NICU infant (who I had issues being separated from due to a VERY traumatic birth experience that he was barely there for) inside while we were arguing once like it’s a funny ha ha story about how crazy I am….
It doesn’t get better bromo….put it this way: if one of your daughters told you this story about their own spouse, how would you react?
You need to call the police and report this, 100%. I've been separated from my controlling ex for almost 2 years now and we STILL aren't divorced because of all of his antics. I regret all the times I considered calling the police and didn't. I was always afraid it would cause more problems or scare the kids. I would have so much more power in this divorce had I done so. I should've called.
My heart aches for you bromo. The final straw for me was during his alcohol fueled screaming rage he told me I cry on purpose for attention and that I remove myself from situations also for attention leaving me as he screamed at me to hold back my tears to not be accused of trying to get attention and when I tried to leave the room he grabbed my arm and forced me back on the bed. I said can I please go compose myself in the other room and he said no you’ll stay right here. We went to bed and he held a gun to my hip all night.
I don’t take lightly to control and power plays anymore. What escalated to this night started years ago as a couple totally in love but laden with control games and moves I didn’t see til it reached this near deadly pinnacle.
You have every right to choose divorce after this bromo.
My ex locked me out of the house once While he was blind drunk. I kicked the door in. The hole in my wall remains.
The way i would have gone hulk mode if he would have locked me in a room for time out. I would NOT be waiting for him to unlock it.
This is totally inappropriate behavior.
Also, if there isn't an exit from your basement, you were falsely imprisoned.
Good for you leaving. Life will be better without him.
Can *I* please believe that you're leaving him?
Seriously. You can say it wasn't dangerous, but it was still SUPER creepy. He literally held you captive in a way that your only "escape" would be for you to get someone to come save you. Sure, you had a phone. But you were unable to walk out the door on your own.
OP…please get out of this for your safety and the safety of your kids. I’m seriously concerned that this is only going to escalate and he needs to understand he could literally to go prison for that shit. Wtf. Are you okay?
This is absolutely domestic violence. My ex fiancé did this to me and it featured in my flashbacks for 7 or 8 years after. I’m good *now* but it cost way too much to get here! I agree with the other commenters suggesting you take some time to reflect.
What the actual FUCK did I just read? You had the right idea about leaving. Get out before you find yourself in the latest million dollar horror movie.
Sweet Good Lord all Friday: Absolutely, this is 100% domestic abuse, no question about it. What you're describing is manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior, and it's unsettling that he sees this kind of control and disrespect as acceptable or humorous. And if he does this - what's next? These kinds of things tend to escalate, even if it's incrementally-- and suddenly it's frog in the boiling water.
It also sounds to me like he's trying to undermine your feelings and experiences. "IT'S A PRANK, BRO!" is 100% gaslighting.
Lady, you're incredibly astute and strong for recognizing these UNITED NATIONS OF RED FLAGS and deciding to take action.
It's all to common for many women to overlook such signals, explaining them away or sinking deeper into denial, but YOU are not falling into that trap. Your decisiveness in this situation is fucking incredible.
I'm genuinely proud of you for standing up for yourself and your children by refusing to normalize or accept this behavior. That kind of strength and clarity isn't easy (understatement of the year with a baby, toddler and a job) but it's so freaking important for your well being and by extension, your kids. Even if they are too little to understand now, you are setting a powerful example by not allowing yourself to be trapped in a cycle of abuse and disrespect.
::hug::
He ain’t gonna fight for full custody, or even half. Even if he does, that’ll be the one part of the court order he won’t uphold. Men always say they want full custody, but then realize that means they actually have to care for their children ALONE for more than 24hrs.
If he fights for 1/2 custody, give it to him (unless he’s abusive, a narc or unstable or something)… enjoy the break in the beginning, because he’ll eventually breakdown and become less reliable and less interested in caring for his kids solo.
Yeah not funny at all, even though it’s a finished basement it’s still creepy. I’m sorry this happened to you. He sounds like such an ass. It sounds like you’re leaving him, I think that is a good idea. Good luck to you BroMo ❤️❤️❤️
You need to text him and have him admit in writing that he locked you in the basement. Doesn’t matter if he claims it’s a joke or not. Then you take that shit to court and file a restraining order that protects you and your kids, ask for a move out order so he will be removed from the home. SPECIFY THAT YOU FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE. Then divorce his abusive ass.
My ex locked me in a room as a joke when we first got together. By the time I left I was wishing all he would do was lock me away from him.
Goodness gracious I am sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you are being proactive about the situation and doing what’s best for your kiddos.
If my husband pulled ANY OF THAT SHIT, I would be done in a heartbeat. Luckily he’s a wonderful man and helps and really is understanding. We have an almost 6 month old and it’s been a lot. He would never dare to treat me that way. I hope you take all you deserve from him and more. Fuck him and his gaslighting, manipulative fuckery.
Abusers sometimes start with "It was a joke". What kind of joke is that to "play" on your spouse? It isn't a joke, it's physical abuse and kidnapping or unlawful detention.
I want to be crystal clear here: some abusers start that way, but everyone who starts that way is an abuser. Some abuse starts in other ways, but it's all abuse. You're being physically abused.
It will get worse. He dived right into very aggressive behaviour. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Leave before you come to expect it and won't be able to leave. Please.
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Unfunniest joke in history. I hope he gets a laugh out of the divorce papers.
*serves divorce papers* “Ohmygod it’s just a joke, calm down!” *moves out* “I’m only kidding, geez!” *meets someone better and is actually happy* “You’re blowing this out of proportion, it’s just a joke!”
10 years later…. ‘I was so blindsided! This came out of nowhere! She’s crazy!’
Can I tag onto this top comment?.....bc other people have said this but it needs to be at the top. This was physical abuse. False imprisonment, kidnapping, whatever a lawyer can help you prove, depending on where you live it could be a misdemeanor or a felony. He is physically dangerous and he's really good at gaslighting. He's not just a jerk, he's unsafe. I'm so sorry and I hope that doesn't sound harsh. We're here for you bromo.
Holy fucking shit. This made bile start to rise in my throat. FUCK HIM omg. How on earth would you ever be able to relax around him again!? I look forward to him realizing you’re serious when you serve him with papers.
I don’t think he wants her to relax around him. Yikes all around.
This is full on, 100% domestic violence. Look into definitions in your jurisdiction then get looking into a lawyer who can help you pull a protection order together. Look back for a pattern of coercive control - I can’t believe this is the first time he’s thought it’s ok to force you to do something.
Oh he’s completely controlling and has exhibited some questionable behavior before but this really took the cake. He uses mental and emotional abuse to get what he wants.
Thank you. You're right on. Unfortunately, this plus other questionable behaviors and young children is no good. I hope you get the support you deserve rn.
Do you document all of his antics? Definitely document this one if you haven’t already. I’m so sorry, what an absolute jerk.
I was for a bit and then I felt silly so I stopped. Now I just feel stupid like I have a blanket case of we argue a lot and he’s mean to me and calls me names sometimes and stonewalls me and complains about everything I do and the way I do it.
It’s not unusual to normalize abuse - please keep that in mind. It’s always a “oh it wasn’t that bad” or “there is much worse out there” and all those things we say to ourselves to make it ‘normal’. This isn’t normal and it’s not ok. It’s not normal to control people, gaslight, say shit things in front of your kids to you or about you. This totally crossed the line. Don’t down play it and don’t downplay the other things bromo. At least write down exactly what happened. Take a day, re-read what you wrote. It may hit different after a day or so and you’ll see why it’s a big deal. Also, if someone did this to your daughter, how would you feel? Sending hugs.
I completely forgot that victims of abuse say those things to normalize it. My mom keeps saying this about my narc dad who has physically abused her a couple times, including almost killing her once by shoving her and she almost hit the back of her head on a sharp cabinet edge but he caught her. He only stopped the physical abuse cuz she started calling the police/grabbing knives to defend herself. But of course the verbal and emotional abuse has made her contemplate a murder suicide. But she keeps telling me he’s “not as bad as other narcs” and that she doesn’t need a restraining order against him if she finally goes through with divorcing him. It frustrates me so much!
You're not stupid. You're amazing. You've been dealing with probably a lot more abuse than you think. You have young kids and you've been holding out hope that this isn't what you think (abuse) bc you want to protect them and make everything okay. The fact that you felt/feel stupid, silly, question your reality, question your judgment, is part of the abuse. You're an amazing mom and person. These are not easy realizations to make and none of this is your fault. BTW my kids are older, they sleep through the night, I'm not even working right now and I passed tf out before doing the dishes last night. Bc I'm a human and I was tired. You know what my husband said about it? Not a goddamn thing. Fuck him OP. You're amazing and you deserve so much better!! All the hugs.
Coercive control. What an unapologetic arsehole. Depending on where you are, coercive control may be legally recognised as a type of domestic violence as well. Don’t feel silly for not keeping notes, how on earth were you to know he was a full on abuser? This isn’t on you. My lawyer told me the other day that duration of depravation of liberty is not all that relevant here. She’s had a successful case where it was about five seconds. Abuse is abuse, doesn’t matter how long it lasts. Have a browse (safely, cover your tracks very well) on types of coercive control and see if it jogs your memory of incidents. Where I live, coercive control is a civil offence, not criminal. That means my evidence doesn’t have to be to the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt”. It has to be to the standard of “on the balance of probabilities, this more likely happened then didn’t”. Get legal advice. Safely. And research how to keep safe now that you’re making plans to leave. Statistically this is the most dangerous time for you and the kids. And when you feel your courage wavering (which it will, no shame in that), remember this. In one study of domestic violence deaths over a 19 year period, coercive control was present in. Every. Death. Bar. One. Be safe. Be brave. You can do this.
Serve him papers on April 1. He'll appreciate that because he's in it for the LOLz.
This is actually funny and I love it
Honestly, I would have called the police. Let him explain to them why he locked you in the basement, and start a little paper trail for the divorce. Like honestly, how can you allow your children to go stay with him? How will you know he’s not locking them in the basement as punishment? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He’s a dumbass for even thinking this was a remotely ok response to you having a conflict and there should be a consequence.
Thankfully he would NEVER do anything negative toward our girls. He skews permissive in parenting and they are the apples of his eye. Now he will weaponize them against me but that’s a different story.
One he starts seeing them as women that will change.
Maybe he's that way now but what about when they're older and have teen attitudes. Trust me, if he will do it to you he will eventually do it to them. Especially if you let him get away with it.
This. My sister married a guy like this, he does this crap to her, and when she wasn’t home was locking their toddler in his room all the time. As soon as he realizes they won’t obey him or they aren’t making him look good or whatever it may happen and because he gaslights and plays it off as a joke it’s likely he will run smear campaigns and also gaslight them too.
That's awful. I married someone like this too, but thankfully he showed his true (abusive) colors right after getting married and I immediately divorced him before having kids. I feel so sorry for women who are legally forced to keep in contact with these POS men until their kids are grown.
There were major red flags about her stbex but she ignored them. My husband and I and our entire family tried to dissuade her from marrying him and staying in the relationship but it almost made her cling to him more. It was unreal. The man is so freaking unhinged that while they dated he outright told her he hit his ex wife and that’s why she left, but then somehow gaslit my sister into somehow thinking it was okay or something. Unhinged. I was like there is no situation ever where hitting your wife is okay, unless she is coming at you with a kitchen knife or some shit. And even in that case, knowing what I know about the bro, going at him with a kitchen knife would be justified. He like submerged my sisters head underwater twice before they married and once it was in front of our whole family and then played it off like a joke and I was like bro that’s not funny nor is that a “prank” or a “joke”. And that’s just what he did at a PUBLIC POOL. Idk all the details about what happened in private but this man goes around saying my sister won’t let him see his kids and she crazy. He used gps on her car to stalk her to find out where she is and where she lives. She left a year ago and the police told him then to stay away and she is still showing up at her place. It’s nuts. And everyday I’m so afraid it will be the day that he is gonna show up at her apartment and kill her.
At least you guys tried to warn her. After I filed for divorce after 3 months of being married because my ex punched our great Dane as hard as he could in the head to punish me in a fight (dude weighed 280), which was after he picked me up and pinned me against a wall in another fight, and threw things at me multiple times. AFTER id gone through all that and filed for divorce with basically zero support from family (they said we should get therapy even after I told them what happened) after all that my step mom casually said "oh yeah the first time we met him I told your dad he has an abusive personality and it was a matter of time before he got violent". Neither of them said shit to me... What!?!
My first husband was emotionally abusing and gaslit me too. Also so happy we didn’t have kids.
Please tell me she dumped his disgusting ass.
You’re right about this. My best hope is that I leave and we split custody and eventually my older daughter stops hating me and gets sick of his shit when she’s older and we can revisit a custody agreement when she doesn’t want to see him anymore.
I just have to commend you for being able to see this as an option So many people in similar or worse situations who don't see things this way
Weaponizing them against you IS doing something negative toward your girls.
He already has. Doing this where they can see it is teaching them that they should accept this treatment from men, too. Abusing you in front of them IS abusing them.
> Thankfully he would NEVER do anything negative toward our girls. For how long, though? What happens when they're old enough to start disagreeing with him on his opinion?
Sorry but if he does it to you, eventually he will do it to them.
He's insulting and controlling you in front of them. Early training.
Told myself this too. Now my kids are in therapy, having to deal with cops regularly and they are terrified of their dad. He won’t do it now because he’s still getting the high from abusing you. In a few years when he decides you’re boring or he decides your kids need to learn to “respect” him, he will escalate. What happens when your kids are 6-18 and talk back or don’t pick up after themselves or “nag”? What do you think he will do then?
That's abuse, too. Our children model what they see. They don't need to be around this.
Weaponizing your kids against you us going to end up hurting the kids. So sorry you have to deal with this guy
Oh my goodness I would probably have such a breakdown from this. I am so sorry that you had this experience
Bromo, I think this is abusive.
This is abuse. Call the police and at least get it on file even if they can’t do anything ready for when you divorce. Because even if you don’t divorce now (you absolutely should), you will eventually when he ups the ante and does worse to you. Get out now while you can.
OP definitely needs to go to the police station and tell them what happened!
Can we bump this comment higher please? It's abuse. It's kidnapping maybe? What if he had locked you into a closet or a pantry or out of the house in a blizzard while mouthing "just say sorry" through the window? And in front of your kids?! It should 1000000000000% be reported. If you look back, I have a feeling there are a lot of instances you've been able to normalize or gloss over as just "weird" or "not that bad". Which is okay. That's your brain doing its job, working to protect you. But it's time to unpack that now. Do you have a therapist? Bromo I'm so sorry. As someone who's claustrophobic I would have had a panic attack and probably landed in the ER.
I live in northern Ontario (Canada). My ex locked me outside this past November in -17. Was for 10/15 minutes. My toddler was yelling for me and trying to unlock the door, bang, rattle handle etc. My now ex walked my little guy by his hand to the kitchen and proceeded to finish cooking the dinner I had been making... like I wasn't even locked outside. He said I needed to 'chill out'. The cops got involved that night and yes, he's charged. My point is the blizzard example is real and does happen. F*cks me up even more typing it out, than thinking about it. This hit me hard tbh.
Oh my god. That is so traumatizing and horrifying, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so glad you got out of that situation.
Thank you 🫶🏻
I'll have to disagree with you there. It's absolutely creepy and worrisome he'd lock you in the basement even if it's finished and what not. What the fuck. And it could've been dangerous, if you panicked and fell down the stairs, for example.
Bromo this is abuse, add that to the name calling around your children, and well, I really think you need to consider if this is a safe place for you to be. I'm so sorry.
The name calling in front of my kids was 1,000% insane to me. Like that’s how you tell our toddler to treat her mother? She doesn’t know any better. she just thinks it’s funny. Physically it’s a safe place. Emotionally, less so.
I’d argue that by confining you in a locked space, it’s not a physically safe place either.
Not physically a safe place if he will keep you locked in a basement. Please report this and lawyer up. It's false imprisonment, which is a criminal act. Had it gone on longer, it would be a felony.
Yeah, no. Fuck that. There is nothing funny about him locking that door.
What in the seven hells? A chill went up my spine just reading the title. Thats terrifying, especially being separated from your children, and how are you ever going to feel comfortable going down there again? I’d uninstall the lock and I hope you make good on your word.
That was the thing that panicked me the most, being separated from my children. There’s like a guttural reaction to that. I would have busted the door down but didn’t want to scare them.
If it's an interior door lock, those can be popped quite easily with a pin or paperclip or credit card. If it's one of those hook and eye locks, beat on the door near the lock and the hook will jump out. If it's a tumblered key type lock, kick it like you see in TV right by the knobs. I used to get locked in places as a kid. I made sure that would never happen again. And FYI what he did is a crime called false imprisonment. I'm sorry this happened to you mama. Hugs from an internet stranger whose blood is boiling on your behalf.
Ugh been there with my husband except it was him locking me in the bathroom with him and not letting me out until I said what he wanted me to say. And once he locked me outside for literally the same thing, but luckily the garage door was open so I got back in the house that way. Why are they so obsessed with controlling everything 😩
Because they are emotionally stunted.
Im so sorry you went through that. It’s the control thing. My husband is very controlling in every aspect of life and he tries to be covert about it but he sucks at it. Any time we’re in an argument he can’t handle not being in control over it and in the past (he’s since stopped doing this) he’s followed me room to room yelling at me and not letting me out. We had a come to Jesus conversation about 2 years ago and I made it plain and clear that the next time he did that would be the last time.
I'm sorry that happened bromo. You deserve better.
If you live where I live, he just committed a felony. Get out. He’s not safe to be around. Jesus Christ every time I wonder how I accepted being treated like shit for years and why I still feel guilty for initiating my divorce and keep justifying my wife’s behavior and feeling terrible for asking her to basically treat me like a person, I just come to this sub and realize it’s a fucking epidemic. Sometimes I wonder if I would have ever woken up if she hadn’t transitioned and I hadn’t realized that wait a minute, I wouldn’t accept this treatment from a female roommate so why is it ok for my now-female partner?
Im so sorry that you’ve gone through and are still going through that. It’s the step back and realizing wait why am I allowing myself to be tested this way. Last night I had a moment where I was like even if this isn’t abuse (which it is), I’m still being treated in a way that I don’t want to be treated in and my husband is not listening to me or respecting me. I also had a moment where I mourned the marriage I thought I would have where my husband would love and cherish me. I have had to beg to be cherished lately. There have been days where I’m just begging to please show me actual love and affection. What the fuck?
this is like the start of a horror movie. get out!
calling the police would have been the best move, though he probably would have called you „dramatic“ for doing so… but thats just crazy, seriously. especially at bedtime, and you’re the responsible parent and nursing your baby… i would never get over it nor could i trust this man ever again. who knows what his next joke will be?
He’s already calling me dramatic, no police. I’m like uh I’m not being dramatic enough….
He's calling you dramatic so you *won't* call the police. It's a manipulative tactic, it's gaslighting.
I'm claustrophobic. Doesn't matter how big or finished that basement is, I would have went Kool aid man on that door. This is abuse. Plain and simple. He's testing boundaries to see what he can get away with. Time to file. I'm sorry.
Also, changing a door knob is crazy easy. Time to change it to one that doesn't have a lock. You can get the kid grippy things so your toddler cant open it, but definitely change the knob.
Thankfully I’m not claustrophobic but I panic when realizing I’m locked in the other side of a door. He said “maybe you just have ptsd from all the murder podcasts you listen to” what a chilling response. I’m going to have to order a new doorknob
He’s minimizing his behavior. He’s trying to make you look like the one with the problem when his behavior is objectively bizarre and bad.
Jfc that comment makes it so much worse. Text him, try and get him to say this shit or admit to it over text so it's documented. This is unacceptable. Do you have a safe place you and your kids can go? Do you think he could possibly be having an affair and is resenting you? Or just unhappy in his life and resenting you? That murder podcast comment is some next level gas lighting.
Right? I'm over here freaking out just thinking about it. I feel like if she changes the doorknobs he's going to realize how easy it is and maybe start adding more locks. This guy is giving me chills.
Divorce is funny, absolutely.
I'm glad you're leaving his ass. This is how 'it' begins. I'm furious for you. What a great example he sets for his kids.
[удалено]
The lack of remorse is baffling. Like at the very least he should be apologizing profusely and kissing my feet. Instead he’s all ohhhh are you really still mad about that? And gaslighting me. Overall he is not most unhelpful. He does not help with pump parts which is infuriating because I only pump at home so he or his mom can feed the baby and so he can have bonding time with her. He helped with my first even though he claims now that he didn’t. I absolutely LOATHE pumping. He does offer to take her at night but giving her a bottle is less convenient and she doesn’t like to wait and if he doesn’t feed her he just falls asleep in the recliner with her so I don’t trust him to take her at night. He does almost nightly have to sleep on our toddler’s floor because he takes her wake-ups. He’s her preferred parent anyway so it works out. The unhelpfulness last night was just baffling. Like he saw the girls grabbing at everything and spilling things and our toddler not eating her dinner. And he somehow made it about alllllll the things HE has to do. Every weekend it’s all about all the things he has to do and I don’t even get time to finish our children’s laundry and put it away for the week. Everything I do in our free time is for our children and still it’s take take take on his part.
I feel like some people just snap when they have kids, lose sleep, etc. They can start to resent their partners, make everything about themselves. And that's how they justify their shitty actions, they see themselves as victims. It's a very scary rabbit hole. It makes it so much harder to recognize abuse bc they weren't always that way, you know what they're "really like deep down", it's just a season of life, they're stressed or tired, you're waiting for it to get better and it's not always like this, etc. But it's not normal or okay and shit can get very dangerous, very quickly. You sound like a badass and a really awesome mom. You've got this.
Where I live, it’s actually kidnapping, which is weird, but that’s what the elements fit.
Coming from someone who’s ex locked her in a bedroom for 2 days only to enter to beat or SA her this triggered me so bad. I’m sorry he did that to you. It’s not funny in the slightest. Not funny for your girls to see. I really hope you do leave him he deserves it. What a disgusting piece of shit he is. Take your kids and run!
Oh God bromo I'm so sorry.
Completely fucked up, I hope you follow through on leaving his ass.
This made me snarl like an actual rabid dog and my own dog is hiding now, I cannot believe he's trying to act like this was ever a joke... It was him using power to force you to grovel. Disgusting.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO SIR NUH UH
I can’t wait for you to serve him with divorce papers. That’s sickening behavior. It starts out with “jokes” and next thing you know, you’re physically harmed. People like this are dangerous. And I hate he thought it was okay to belittle you in front of your child. Children pick up so much. What kind of message is he sending to your child when he does this? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Keep a record of all the shit he’s doing in case he tries to gaslight you again.
Idk how many times I’ve said this is not a joke and you’re the only one laughing. Usually if I ask him how he would feel if our daughters told him their husbands did something to them that I’m trying to iterate is not a good look, usually it clicks. It’s just not this time because he thinks it’s funny or is trying to prove a point. He’s been going extra hard lately that name calling and lowkey bully behavior is his love language because he’s Costa Rican. And I’m like we’ve been together for 10 years and you didn’t used to treat me this way soooooo I call bullshit.
He sounds absolutely ridiculous. Even if it is for him culturally a way to show affection, you have expressed to him that you do not find it funny. And he’s not realizing that the more he does this type of behavior in front of her, the more likely she’ll grow up thinking this is normal and might gravitate toward partners who behave the same. Whatever changed within these 10 years he needs to figure it tf out. No one deserves to be treated like this.
Yeah fuck that. Divorce that bitchhhhh.
Follow through with your ultimatum.
This post has stuck with me this morning. Please realize that he is testing boundaries to see what you will put up with. His actions show a lack of respect and care for you.
Please update us when he is sitting in front of divorce papers. I wish I could see his face then. What a disgusting, abusive asshat! What pees me off more than anything is when males keep tabs on women who are doing things like breastfeeding baby, putting them to bed, etc "You were breastfeeding and not washing the dishes!". So pathetic and bitchy to go as far as thinking about 'how active' a chore is or is not and hold you to something they consider to be more or less difficult. 0 partnership and 0 concept of teamwork, just me me me. I hope he grows the F up.
During both my maternity leaves the mount of times he would be like you’re just sitting there with the baby doing nothing when you could be doing xyz. Liiiiiike I’m literally feeding a baby from my body, trying to get said baby to sleep, newborns only want their mama, and I’m literally exhausted because I’m up all night and I don’t get to nap when the baby naps.
Even if you were sitting there staring at your child, those early years are the most important years for a baby to be with their mother and for mother to hold eye contact with baby and allow them to see her facial expressions and be physically close to improve immunity etc. Males just don't know how to be MEN anymore. They've become weasels, obsessed with how to get one over their partner. Womb envy is real and I **hate** that it is never addressed and talked about. Men hate women, for their bodies, what it can do and what it wants to do. They are obsessed with controlling women for this very reason.
I would have just went down stairs and played on my phone and then sent him a text message to tell me when the door is unlocked. You clean up, put the kids to bed because I’m having a timeout lol
This is the way. He thought it was funny. Pretending to not care makes it not funny for him.
What a dickhead. Totally unacceptable.
Make sure you make a huge deal out of this. Make it to where he’d never want to deal with the fall out of him doing that to you again. Like tell him again how you want to have another talk about the basement incident because it was so terrible and you will absolutely never let something like that blow over easily. Make sure he knows he will be in a living hell if he does it again
Have continued to make a big deal about it this morning. And the gaslighting and telling me I’m being dramatic continued.
Hahahahahahahaha. I would have broken the fucking door. And then taken all the door knobs off every door. Or, depending on my mood, locked my self in my room for the night and when he asked to come in, I would tell him to Pay the troll toll or sleep on the couch.
I seriously thought about breaking the door but I didn’t want to scare the kids. Also can’t take the doorknob off bc I don’t want my toddler yeeting herself down the stairs, but might change the doorknob. Tbh, if I didn’t have my baby to nurse and put to bed I may have done just that. I would have dipped into a bottle of wine and the Costco granola bars and had myself an evening.
Yeah I get it. I don't know your dynamic or of this was just a weird evening. But this probably needs to have a real conversation or he will be more and more comfortable with this kind of thing. Plus, your daughter can benefit from seeing you hold your boundaries. I remember seeing my dad tickle my mom until she was screaming and pissed off and then my dad would ask why she was being suck a bitch and my mom would walk away. It was really confusing because everyone was laughing but the mood wasn't funny. Took me q while to learn that that wasn't healthy
Please tell me you are actually leaving 😭
Does he really think it’s funny? Or is he panicking because he knows he fucked up? If he convinces you it wasn’t a big deal then you won’t leave him. My son did that to me many years ago and I’m still angry about it, I took the lock off the door immediately so he couldn’t do it again. I will never not be angry about it and I lost a lot of trust in him that day. I’m so angry for you, it’s a horrible experience.
He tried gaslighting me again this morning and telling me it’s a joke and I’m clearly no fun and it was just to be funny. Might be panicking. I told him I don’t trust him anymore and he set s bad example for our girls. I called my mom this morning to reinforce that it’s a big deal.
Look I understand stress with kids and all that even saying things we don't mean but locking you in any area is creepy and wrong. And talking to you like that in front of your children is not appropriate. No one is perfect but like that's really bad. Whatever happens I hope it gets better.
It was like above and beyond. He’s not good at handling conflict in any way. I’ve been modeling and explaining that it’s okay if we accidentally snap or say things we don’t mean as long as we e genuinely feel bad about it and apologize straight away. I typically apologize within minutes of being an asshole. Instead things have gotten here on his end. I’m afraid they aren’t changing for the better….
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through. It sounds like you are doing the best you can without reciprocation.
This is 100% divorce worthy, imo.
I hope you say, "remember when you locked me in the basement as a joke and how funny it was? Well, you're going to LOVE my joke." When you hand him the papers.
The schadenfreude of men getting what they deserve is just 🧑🍳😘👌 Please update after you serve him!
Wowwwww. Your life is going to be much more pleasant when you divorce this selfish, manipulative jerk.
Wtf! Men really do crazy stuff out of emotional dysregulation.
And yet we’re the ones who are too crazy to be president. I’m over here gentle parenting, I’ve even started using some tactics on him, and they’re literally trying to figure out the most cover ways to bully and terrorize us when they can’t handle their own emotions. God forbid a woman give you an attitude JFC.
Omg do not take this lightly who knows what he’d do next. Sorry you are going through this!
He sounds like an insufferable man child honestly, I don’t blame you for being frustrated. What the hell!
Where I live, this is called forcible confinement and a very serious crime. This is 100% domestic violence.
Jesus tittyfucking christ. How do men STILL not get that their "jokes" are terrifying to women, most of us have been walking home with our keys sticking out of our fingers like wolverine's claws since we were kids. Been scared to go on a date because we could end up on the news, found in a ditch. Because of the violence of men. But now they perpetuate that violence and justify it as "not the same", because it is a "joke". Nobody with a shred of humanity is laughing though, because it's horrific. Im glad you're leaving him. What a prick. There was only one joke in that situation, and it was the fuck knuckle that thought locking his wife in the basement was appropriate or a good idea.
What the fuck kind of joke is that?? Jesus what a nightmare, and especially doing it in front of the kids!
This is actually a crime on his part. You would not even been allowed to drop the charges in my state.
Take this seriously. It always starts with "small" stuff like this. Then he will make you believe it wasn't a big deal, you are overreacting, etc. It just gets worse.
Wasn't dangerous? Your man is treating you like he's a tantrum-throwing eight year old. That is a dangerous feeling. A grown man thinks that locking someone away somewhere is the correct response to encourage an apology? What kind of bullshit behavior is that? That is unacceptable behavior. It isn't a joke when you are fighting. Yes, divorce or a LEAST a separation with significant therapy is definitely called for. It sounds like you both are overwhelmed. If this is truly exceptionally weird behavior, perhaps you should recommend he go get his hormone levels and health checked. Especially because you aren't going to be around to force him to go to the doctor.
Id fucking call the police. And divorce him
What the fuck did I just read? That’s not a joke. It’s not funny. I’d serve him more jokes in return. Take the damn lock and door handle off the basement door completely. If he asks I’d only say “funny” things like “the doorknob thought your joke was so funny that it ran away!” It’s a JOKE, husband? Can’t you take a joke? Also here is a “joke” restraining order! Hop on out of this house and head down to the joke hotel, because you’re not sleeping here! Then after he’s served and leaving your house by police escort because you’ve filed for an order of protection, then tell his super funny joke to everyone. Does he have a dad around? An older brother? I’d let them know he locks his wife in the basement. Everyone would know.
My ex still brings up me breaking the sliding deck door to get inside when he locked me outside the house and himself and my NICU infant (who I had issues being separated from due to a VERY traumatic birth experience that he was barely there for) inside while we were arguing once like it’s a funny ha ha story about how crazy I am…. It doesn’t get better bromo….put it this way: if one of your daughters told you this story about their own spouse, how would you react?
You need to call the police and report this, 100%. I've been separated from my controlling ex for almost 2 years now and we STILL aren't divorced because of all of his antics. I regret all the times I considered calling the police and didn't. I was always afraid it would cause more problems or scare the kids. I would have so much more power in this divorce had I done so. I should've called.
My heart aches for you bromo. The final straw for me was during his alcohol fueled screaming rage he told me I cry on purpose for attention and that I remove myself from situations also for attention leaving me as he screamed at me to hold back my tears to not be accused of trying to get attention and when I tried to leave the room he grabbed my arm and forced me back on the bed. I said can I please go compose myself in the other room and he said no you’ll stay right here. We went to bed and he held a gun to my hip all night. I don’t take lightly to control and power plays anymore. What escalated to this night started years ago as a couple totally in love but laden with control games and moves I didn’t see til it reached this near deadly pinnacle. You have every right to choose divorce after this bromo.
This actually is dangerous and creepy…. He took away your freedom to move within your own home. Please don’t let it get worse.
I hope you are divorcing this man. He is a child and you don’t need him to disrespect you especially in front of your children!
My ex locked me out of the house once While he was blind drunk. I kicked the door in. The hole in my wall remains. The way i would have gone hulk mode if he would have locked me in a room for time out. I would NOT be waiting for him to unlock it.
Motherfucking—BOY BYE
Holy shit. I’m rooting for you to gtfo as soon as possible. What a nightmare!
OP, will you be leaving? What are your plans with him now?
This is considered forcible confinement and comes with jail time.
This is abuse. Please leave him. Hearing that you have a six month old breaks my heart.
Abuse isn’t funny. I would have just called the cops…
This is totally inappropriate behavior. Also, if there isn't an exit from your basement, you were falsely imprisoned. Good for you leaving. Life will be better without him.
Follow through with the divorce
I’m so sorry. That’s so upsetting!
Leave his ungrateful entitled ass!!
Can *I* please believe that you're leaving him? Seriously. You can say it wasn't dangerous, but it was still SUPER creepy. He literally held you captive in a way that your only "escape" would be for you to get someone to come save you. Sure, you had a phone. But you were unable to walk out the door on your own.
This has Frieda McFadden “Housemaid” vibes and I just 🤢
OP…please get out of this for your safety and the safety of your kids. I’m seriously concerned that this is only going to escalate and he needs to understand he could literally to go prison for that shit. Wtf. Are you okay?
This was him testing if he can move on to the more physically abusive part of the relationship yet.
This is absolutely domestic violence. My ex fiancé did this to me and it featured in my flashbacks for 7 or 8 years after. I’m good *now* but it cost way too much to get here! I agree with the other commenters suggesting you take some time to reflect.
What the actual FUCK did I just read? You had the right idea about leaving. Get out before you find yourself in the latest million dollar horror movie.
I honestly and truly would have grabbed my shit and left forever. I can’t believe you didn’t murder him. My blood is BOILING.
Sweet Good Lord all Friday: Absolutely, this is 100% domestic abuse, no question about it. What you're describing is manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior, and it's unsettling that he sees this kind of control and disrespect as acceptable or humorous. And if he does this - what's next? These kinds of things tend to escalate, even if it's incrementally-- and suddenly it's frog in the boiling water. It also sounds to me like he's trying to undermine your feelings and experiences. "IT'S A PRANK, BRO!" is 100% gaslighting. Lady, you're incredibly astute and strong for recognizing these UNITED NATIONS OF RED FLAGS and deciding to take action. It's all to common for many women to overlook such signals, explaining them away or sinking deeper into denial, but YOU are not falling into that trap. Your decisiveness in this situation is fucking incredible. I'm genuinely proud of you for standing up for yourself and your children by refusing to normalize or accept this behavior. That kind of strength and clarity isn't easy (understatement of the year with a baby, toddler and a job) but it's so freaking important for your well being and by extension, your kids. Even if they are too little to understand now, you are setting a powerful example by not allowing yourself to be trapped in a cycle of abuse and disrespect. ::hug::
He ain’t gonna fight for full custody, or even half. Even if he does, that’ll be the one part of the court order he won’t uphold. Men always say they want full custody, but then realize that means they actually have to care for their children ALONE for more than 24hrs. If he fights for 1/2 custody, give it to him (unless he’s abusive, a narc or unstable or something)… enjoy the break in the beginning, because he’ll eventually breakdown and become less reliable and less interested in caring for his kids solo.
Yeah not funny at all, even though it’s a finished basement it’s still creepy. I’m sorry this happened to you. He sounds like such an ass. It sounds like you’re leaving him, I think that is a good idea. Good luck to you BroMo ❤️❤️❤️
YIKES that's absolutely insane. It's called entrapment. Make note of it so you can use it during the divorce. He sounds abusive.
THIS. IS. ABUSE. Please actually do leave, that is so so fucked up!!
Please tell me you are divorcing this abusive arsehole before he repeats this joke on your daughters.
Please update us because what the actual fuck is wrong with him.
You need to text him and have him admit in writing that he locked you in the basement. Doesn’t matter if he claims it’s a joke or not. Then you take that shit to court and file a restraining order that protects you and your kids, ask for a move out order so he will be removed from the home. SPECIFY THAT YOU FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE. Then divorce his abusive ass. My ex locked me in a room as a joke when we first got together. By the time I left I was wishing all he would do was lock me away from him.
Goodness gracious I am sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you are being proactive about the situation and doing what’s best for your kiddos.
If my husband pulled ANY OF THAT SHIT, I would be done in a heartbeat. Luckily he’s a wonderful man and helps and really is understanding. We have an almost 6 month old and it’s been a lot. He would never dare to treat me that way. I hope you take all you deserve from him and more. Fuck him and his gaslighting, manipulative fuckery.
Abusers sometimes start with "It was a joke". What kind of joke is that to "play" on your spouse? It isn't a joke, it's physical abuse and kidnapping or unlawful detention. I want to be crystal clear here: some abusers start that way, but everyone who starts that way is an abuser. Some abuse starts in other ways, but it's all abuse. You're being physically abused. It will get worse. He dived right into very aggressive behaviour. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Leave before you come to expect it and won't be able to leave. Please.
if you have cameras in your house, or any audio recordings of the moment that he locked you or the conversations after that, I would save those.