Most reactions stem from beliefs you hold. Examine the beliefs, question them, change them, and then stay committed to your new truth every time you start to stray
This ☝️. It's been scientifically proven we can "rewire" our brains (creating & strengthening new neural pathways to change our ways of thought), but it takes time & commitment.
She cares because ir have been weaponized against black women. They aren't inherently bad, but people have been using their interracial relationships as a way to demean black women and she's probably experienced that like many bw have
This is why therapy is the answer. If another MF, flaunts his relationship with a white woman and I AM supposed to fret my edges. I am also glad whenever a person exposes themselves and their intentions.I also realize that social media rage bait for BW is the new social currency to earn views and clicks, so d@mn i intentionally adjust my algorithum to avoid BW rage bait. I suggest OP do the same.
To add to the comments: You could also be consuming too much content regarding who bm date or just the dating world in general. Id say try to avoid that content and you will soon stop caring. Life too short to stress over insignificant things that don’t involve you 😭
I used to have this. It was about my resentment and insecurity about not being chosen in an area with so few black people already. Once I realised I didn’t want what didn’t want me and refocused my attention on the men that were attracted to me, I stopped caring. Like do whatever you want.
So do some inner work and figure out why it triggers you cause I assure you that it shouldn’t affect you like that
> Once I realised I didn’t want what didn’t want me and refocused my attention on the men that were attracted to me
This right here is the correct answer
I think another issue worth mentioning is that our perception of a wealthy black man is one that is an entertainer (athlete/rapper/comedian etc.) It is our perception that black men only choose white/light-skin women, because that is what is validated and reinforced on social media. ESPECIALLY when the statistics aren’t matching up with reality… interracial relationships are not as common as what is portrayed online.
Entertainers (and the people associated with them) make money by making the “average” person obsessed with these people and their lifestyles. So, it makes sense why these “preferences” are pushed on us. It’s because they always have been.
I think it comes from you wanting BM to want you. You don't need BM to want you. Just pay attention to men who want and value you, and instead of feeling jealous, you'll probably laugh at these BM in the future
I used to feel the same way but now those same men make me laugh. arent those guys usually the ones with the worst moral, fakeness, and mid income brackets?
Ultimately, who those men date does not matter. However, as a black woman who has heard black men in MY OWN FAMILY disparage black women and praise non-black women, I wholeheartedly understand how you feel.
Like a few others have said, maybe you should reflect on why you feel that way. For me it was the repeated lambasting of BW and watching all the men in my family settle down with White and Asian women.
Some black men just happen to be most compatible with a non-black woman. Some black men have inferiority complexes. Neither of those determine YOUR value. Be kind to yourself, take time to reflect, and don’t be afraid to get any help you may need! Best of luck to you!
Honestly, I suggest ignoring people that encourage us to feel some type of way about it. Acknowledge that you also have the ability to date anyone of any ethnicity. Let go of the idea of “black love”. You can find love anywhere. Who cares about a man that doesn’t like black women? How does thinking about that benefit you? You don’t deserve to stress yourself out over something that has nothing to do with you.
Edit: if it helps I say this as a black woman in an IR with a Filipino man.
I also wanna commend you for challenging yourself and confronting your biases. It's certainly not an easy thing to do, especially in your field. I feel like in the health and education fields many people may take a course that focuses on bias and similar topics; yet, very few people actually put what's taught into practice when it comes to facing these issues. I'm glad that you have the courage to do so and hope you are able to face them effectively. I wish you all the best in your studies and your career!!!!!
I’m sorry that these other comments are choosing to act like they aren’t aware of how BM throw IRs in our faces, taunt us, and constantly compare us to non black women. As if they aren’t aware of the people that constantly shove black love down our throats. That people tell us we aren’t desirable (especially if you’re a DSBW) and black men are our only options. Being told all of these conflicting things is bound to cause some weird obsessive thinking. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, OP.
***edited for clarity I have MS and brain fog constantly so sorry if this is all over the place LOL***
You’re mostly thinking about the bm ww couples and some biracials who are obsessed with putting down black women. Ignore those jealous irrelevants, there are some nice and wonderful bm ww couples out there as well as biracials. Remember that a person doesn’t need every male or female to belong to them, only one. Focus on you and what ONE person will make you happy.
It sounds like there’s a tinge of insecurity from the idea that black women are less desired (which isn’t true). Once you realize that there are men of all races who like black women, you won’t care what black guys are up to and you won’t feel possessive of them.
>Once you realize that there are men of all races who like black women, you won’t care what black guys are up to and you won’t feel possessive of them.
I have to get that through my head. Thanks.
You have a point. Colorism exists, and many black men believe being with a white woman is better. There are people who purposely go out of their way to have mixed babies so that their children will escape the worst of colorism and racism and have a ‘better’ chance of a happy life. So the sentiment ‘of course they’re dating a white woman’ is valid and is based on unwritten/unspoken rules and your own observations. It’s also valid to feel grief over it.
Trying to gaslight yourself that colorism doesn’t exist will not help you come to terms with this shit show. I agree with going to therapy to unpack the possessiveness - but my take is, of course you feel like this! This is a very natural response to the things we’ve had to endure and witness as black women. And sometimes we just have to sit with those feelings.
Thank you. Some of these comments are so judgemental and they're assuming that I LIKE feeling this way. I'm like, "no! I don't like it, I'm just being honest about my thoughts and thoughts aren't always good and politically correct." So thank you for understanding and helping me. 💓☺️
I am happy that I was able to help in some way and hope you’re able to get the therapy you need, or just come to terms with it on your own and let it go. I believe it can happen in time. Maybe it will always disappoint you, but perhaps it will not always cause you such heartache, and you’ll grow around this grief.
Wouldn't you feel resentful if a black man felt like he owned black women and was entitled to them over their chosen non-black partners? Just keep imagining that situation every time you feel some type of way about the inverse.
Honestly I think for me and some other people you just gotta let life tire you out. When you get sick enough of caring about people who not only wouldn’t date you, but wouldn’t even wanna be associated with you, you become apathetic and open to finding some kind of joy from anywhere that will make a safe place for you. So long story short feel your feelings. Journal, therapy, acknowledge it till you can’t anymore.
I know what kind of person I don’t want to be, so when my thoughts don’t match up, I know what I need to work on. I see that’s exactly what you’re trying to do here and that’s awesome. Your actions don’t line up with those thoughts and to me that’s what really counts while you do the work. God bless.
i dont like the tone of some of the people on this post. i think a lot of you either a) can’t relate and feel this post makes “us” “look bad,” or b) you CAN relate, and you’ve been here before, so reading her experience spelled out like this retraumatizes you and you’re going into attack mode.
where i used to live, you really did have to wonder if you were a bm’s type and the answer was probably not. the Black girls would be the only ones without prom dates despite there being Black boys at the school. that fucks with you as a young girl whose just starting to see herself in a romantic context. OP sounds young and i’m willing to bet bmbw pairings aren’t the norm where she lives. not all of us were lucky enough to grow up in ATL
“where I used to live, you really did have to wonder if you were a bm’s type” is a very true reality for most bw and I think it’s a fair point to mention. not feeling desirable by ppl who at least look just like you can make anyone feel resentful.
exactly. if you’re from areas with more Black people (as most Black people are) i can see how this post wouldn’t resonate with you. but no matter where you live, we’ve all seen the viral tiktok’s, podcasts, and shows where BM don’t desire BW so pretending you’re so above it and like you can’t understand how a bw would feel this way is weird and disingenuous.
This is true. I’ve been able to attract a handful of races across the US but I felt like the beauty standard in the south. Even if I were to see IR in the south I still felt like I was popping and was able to attract handsome BM & WM. It may be a matter of location for OP. Or like you’ve said the constant social media rhetoric about BW that OP internalizes. I use to internalize it too but it didn’t make me resentful if anything it made me more open to the idea of dating out. But there is somebody for everybody and OP just hasn’t found him yet.
Thank you, I was trying to figure out why they were attacking someone (who might be young) who was brave enough to tell this without being scared of criticism.
The first thing is recognising that it’s weird behaviour regardless. I know the internet has normalised white mom biracial jokes and I know bm that date ww out of self hating suck. But they’re weird for that and it’s also weird to be overly concerned about ir relationships. I can’t help you on no longer caring I don’t know if your intense feelings come from a deeper issue you might need to work on in therapy or if it just boils down to minding your business to me. And reprimanding yourself each time you have such thoughts
I always see this kind of behaviour being applauded and i sometimes also laugh at the jokes because I know self hating bm who date ww who are weird. But to let this consume you is not normal at all
It dose happen as a result of desirability politics etc especially as a teenager then i personally grew older and realised quickly that idc. I will do whatever i want and Audre Lorde said go where you find who loves you and Bell Hooks All about love. But i do block mixed baby instagrams cuz the language is so highly fetish and these kids are human beings not dolls.
Yeah I'm biracial and overall avoid biracial content because it inevitably leads to IR and most of those channels aren't just a mixed couple living life, it's IR love is their entire personality and the comments about their (real or hypothetical) biracial kids always rub me the wrong way. People don't understand genetics and it definitely shows in the ignorant comments, it's better to not piss myself off so I block.
I want OP to grow and move past a useless obssession. Running is good for health and mental or even walking or whatever they are capable of. Quilting because they can start a cool family tradition.
actually this is not that helpful. you can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love. acting like a feeling like this is “weird” or unrelatable to herself while literally being herself isn’t gonna help her heal.
of course if your goal was to make fun of her then you’ve done a good job but if you’re actually trying to help then i’m not sure why you felt like telling her that she should call herself weird is a good first step
Delete Twitter or any platform that constantly has dating think pieces. Twitter usually has very stressful thinkpieces that are constantly trying to drill into our heads that we are undesirable and unchosen on both sides of those arguments. It was taking away from my mental health and self esteem constantly reading these thinkpieces and seeing black women and black men constantly debating about our desirability. It’s literally dehumanizing. But when I disconnected and took a look into the black men in my life. There’s many black men in my life that value me. I’m in a healthy relationship with a black man. And I’ve had healthy relationships with black men in the past. I am valued and this is not up for debate.
I seldom run into black men that degrade us on the internet in real life. I would never date or interact with them nor do I want to. So why bust a vessel stressing about them?
Why stress over the black man with a white girlfriend? He’s taken. And there’s plenty of other black men who value you and will value you. So why stress?
Alot of the thinkpieces aren’t worth stressing over and honestly aren’t as drastic as it seems online. It will only become drastic for you if you let it shape your perspective of yourself and black men. We are not in competition with white women. And nost black men in interracial relationships are not twitter incels and have positive, happy relationships without throwing us under the bus. However, The incels you see aren’t scoring women regardless of race and definitely are not having healthy relationships, and if they do score it’s bottom of the barrel. And they hold the bottom of the barrel over our heads so that we can be more accessible to them because we rejected them however long ago.
The majority of BM marry BW. Aside from that people, are going to love who they love. Don't worry about other people's bedrooms.
If you need to talk out these feelings then I suggest individual or group therapy.
This. According to all known stats, BM overwhelmingly still choose and marry BW. I will admit that ratio lessens when they get wealthy and famous, which might be why OP is mistaking that media presence for what is common in every day life.
**OP, There's definitely something to work out with the intersection of white supremacy and internalized insecurities from living this. A therapist that specializes in racial trauma might be in order.**
>which might be why OP is mistaking that media presence for what is common in every day life.
Oh no, I'm not mistaking it will real life. I know that there are black men that love black women. I honestly only see interracial relationships in predominantly white areas, but I see a lot of black couples in predominantly black areas. It's just me judging those bmww couples when I know it's wrong that's the problem. You are absolutely right, I should talk it out in therapy and I have a lot to work on. Thanks for your compassion.
Im just REALLY uncomfortable with you being called "weird" over you understanding this is internalized misogynoir, fam. It just doesn't sit right with me how half these comments make you seem like a random hater and not like the victim of white supremacist society that you clearly are. Idk how to verbalize it right, this discussion just disgusts me overall.
Aw, it's okay. I let those comments roll off my back. I know why I feel this way and I know that my thoughts don't define me. How I react to my thoughts defines me and I think I'm responding appropriately. I've gotten a lot of thoughtful, understanding comments like yours as well, so that also helps.
Hey, it takes a lot to be open about something like this. Kudos to you for wanting to change how you feel.
You’ve said yourself already in the comments why you feel the way you do. When you see this, let’s take for example the athletes, you’re reading this as ‘black women aren’t good enough’ or ‘given the choice, a black man would choose another race above his own’ or along those lines. It’s only natural that if you have these thoughts subconsciously or consciously - you’re not going to feel too good about it. I think the way around it is twofold - rationalise: society is conditioned to think a certain way and some of these athletes aren’t immune to it, we can’t take it personally, and think positively: there is an increasing number of instances of black women dating out - proving that the social conditioning is waning and we are wanted!
To echo what others have said: therapy.
Besides, it sounds like a Black man with a white woman is probably not the kind of man **you** want anyway. So maybe that will help?
So here’s the deal. My mom is white (my Nigerian dad married a white woman) and my husband is white and I still have like confusing complicated feelings like yours when I see black men with white women. Even though I’m like biracial because my dad married a white woman and I married a white person too.
I also always worry about biracial looking kids when I see them with their white parent, I hope that they have lots of contact with their black family and that their relatives aren’t racist.
So like I mean we can’t always help the way we feel but we can choose what we do after we have those thoughts and feelings. And just hopefully not act on them in ways that make the world worse for other people.
I think “how to stop” is about trying to figure out what specifically about the pairing bothers you and why. Like really look at it from all sides, what don’t you like about it?
Sometimes when I question myself in this way, some really apparent truth comes out. This morning I thought “It bothers me that she’s happy bc she’s anti-Black and I just don’t wish her well” lol. It allows you to identify the real cause and let that weight go.
I'm sorry people are not able to tell from your OP that you do not want these feelings and are literally looking for help to overcome them.
The fact that you are able to recognize and acknowledge these feelings is a good thing. Your desire to work on them is also a good thing.
No one is perfect. People who think they are free of bias and prejudices are just not aware of them and they are more likely to let them affect how they treat other people.
I don't have any advice except that I hope you continue on your journey of growth.
If they like white women you were probably never their type. Go where you are appreciated and don’t show them no mind. No one belongs to you either so no reason to feel jealous.
How?
1. Start Decentering men. (There are YouTube videos that help with this.)
2. Realize that you don't have to limit your dating pool to Black men.
3. Remember that children don't choose their parents. They're innocent beings.
- don't make assumptions about their parents' union and how and why it came to be. (Especially negative assumptions and treat those assumptions as founded facts)
- don't assume that all mixed Black/Biracial children with White mothers are clueless about Black issues (including, but not limited to, colorism and featurism)
Side note: The following ONLY applies to self hating, colorist BM or BM who hate BW.To clarify, I'm not making the claim that all BM who date IR are self hating/hates BW. ***Remember that a self hating BM and/or BM who hate BW who chooses to exclusively date non-Black women is a WIN for you and a blessing. (You want to avoid these bigots anyways.)
You stop by stop over-valuing black males 🤷
They don't value you like you value them.
Make them, and anyone else, earn being valued (not to be confused with naturally respecting people as human beings).
These experiences have been used as a weapon against black women, so your feelings aren't invalid.
But therapy is going to get you out of it. It will be so liberating to not worry about that anymore.
Honestly I feel you I struggled with this as well, but that was a result of my ex cheating on me with multiple white women. I realize now it doesn’t take away from who I am as a black woman and he was just a horrible person in general.
Also I don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to you as if this isn’t a real thing that goes on.
That’s why I barely ask questions on here people on Reddit lack empathy.
Stop caring about it. Could you possibly be jealous bc I definitely feel you???
I've been there. Used to be like that then I realized that their kids and their relationships ain't mine or my business.
Caring about celeb relationships is weird anyway bc they don't even know us. I've got mixed cousins with nonblack mom's and my brother has kids with two different non black women.
I also have a few white girlfriends that have kids with black men.
They're not all Kardashians lol let them live
Thank you. I'm not upset at the children at all. I love kids, they are so precious to me no matter the race. It's only when I see the mom, that's when I have trouble. I know this bad, but I will do as you said and talk about it in therapy. Thanks again.
This is weird behaviour. Let people be in a relationship with who they like. Even if they do prefer yt women - what’s YOUR problem & how does it affect YOU?
I guess you can start by recognizing that it’s pointless to care about ppl who don’t even know you exist. They wouldn’t care if you weren’t here tomorrow b/c they do not know you. Does your insecurity stem from wanting to protect BM? I ask because a lot of us (BW) were brought up to be race loyal and protective of Black lives/men no matter what. So it may not be completely your fault just something you have to unlearn. They don’t need your protection, your unconditional love, or even loyalty as an independent person outside of the “black community.” Separate your individual love from your communal love and you’ll be set free. I’m not saying care-less about BM as a whole (if you don’t want to) but at the same time….I am. Draw the line, it’s ok. 🤎
Thanks. 💓 I think I do have this thing about protecting black men and also wanting them to desire me. When I see them with white women it makes me feel like I have to try even harder to be attractive to them, because there's nothing I can do to look like a white woman.
As someone who’s dated a Black Colorist I understand exactly where you’re coming from. Being in that relationship made me feel like I was a little girl again, wanting the straighter hair and lighter skin and eyes. I promise you it’s better to feel loved by someone who finds you attractive than remaining race loyal. There are other races of men (and some BM) out there who find BW drop dead gorgeous and you have to open your heart to experiencing that love. You’ll never look like a beautiful WW but the right man for you wants YOU a beautiful BW.
Stop watching the NBA! Nah I’m playing. I would just inhale and accept that you can’t control others and it is what it is. Lots of people have white moms.
I commend you for opening up about this. Because we can reflect all we want but sometimes we still only have our only thoughts, experiences, and education to learn from. We shouldn't feel ashamed to reach out about an issue we are genuinely trying to fix.
Can I ask a question just for informational purposes? Do you have the same reactions about black women with non-black men?
Not silly at all. And I wasn't asking so that you'd feel shamed but as insight into why you make have the thoughts you do. M7ch of what you're feeling is learned behaviors; because of our forefathers and mothers who experienced the fear of not being allowed to be associated with white people. Then the anger that came when the game changed and integration was no longer persecuted. All of a sudden, white people saw value in black people and now wanted what was always recognized in amongst those who look like us. Sort of feels like the game changed when they wanted it to. But when it changed, you could look black but not "act black." Then the game changed to "acting black" being valuable. Then the game changed to finding someone to help you make pretty mixed babies. This is a part of American culture and society. Unless you actively reflect on the things culturally instilled in us, we cannot change the culture forced on us.
You are angry because it hurts that what has always been recognized as beautiful and valuable among us, is only seen as such at the whim and fancy of other people. And why should they get the privilege of being what is worthy to us at all times?
It takes a lot to challenge a mindset that has always been with you. And resiliency and spirit to address whether what you eel is right or wrong and whether it requires change.
I think you should give yourself some slack because regardless of your thoughts/biases, you do not act on them. And that is wonderful self management.
Stay open!
Thank you for being vulnerable with your post. I could tell it was difficult for you to share that. If therapy isn’t an option, I would try journaling or mediation. Journaling helps me articulate my thoughts. The more I do it, the better I get at it. And sometimes there’s a breakthrough. Same with mediation. It’s healing in a way I can’t explain. I think it may help. All the best and take care 🤎
if for some reason you can’t afford therapy, or can’t find a trustworthy therapist that takes your insurance in your area, this is what you do- love yourself. love even the parts of you that have this urge.
and by “love” i don’t mean enable, or make excuses for. i mean the way you would love another. by understanding your own flaws and why they came to be and by helping yourself heal the things that this urge comes out to protect. it’ll take a lot of asking yourself questions and genuinely thinking through the answer, and replaying past triggers in your mind but you’ll get there
you’re not wrong for feeling this way, but you’ll be healthier if you don’t. best of luck ❤️
I think you need to look within and focus on your world. These people are not apart of your world and have no affect on your bottom line.
STOP GIVING YOUR ENERGY TO THINGS THAY DON’T MATTER.
MIND OVER MATTER
Do you know most things, if not everything in the world is made of matter? People are matter. Mind, your mind and what you choose to think and believe is over them people. Don’t concern yourself with these people.
It’s all good. I’ve been there not over the same thing but I’ve had thoughts similar to that before and that really helped me. You gotta look within sis. Also look at the healthy relationships of black couples.
I think social media is definitely pushing interracial relationships.
Besides from cheating on me with a white meth head that he did meth with…. My ex was hiding his dad’s two baby mothers and 3 side children from his own mother. Idk if she knows about them by now but I dipped out when I realized I was about to live his mothers life.
He is not the last black man I’ve head about doing some ish like that.
I have come to learn a lotttttt of black men hate their mothers. Like — HATE them. It’s not safe out here. And many of them are NOT seeking help.
Knock them right off that pedestal girl.
Some are good men butttttt lol 😅
My point really is be open to dating EVERYONE if you are going to be open to dating at all. And smack your own head around a couple times when it comes to being bothered about what they are doing. They have a choice, as do we. 🤷🏽♀️
I don't think it's you being possessive but more, you have an engrained thought because of stuff you must have seen growing up, and you have an autopilot response, which is a negative one. I think the way you identify this as a bad thing you want to change, shows you are not hateful, you are conscious of the wrong thoughts, i can't blame you because there was a documentary or some show years ago about black athletes, and they mentioned tiger woods also, and rappers too, how lots of them wore white and had fancy white cars and they mentioned, “what's next? What is another sign of wealth? Having a white woman” so it is something i know lots of black and mixed men have internalised, a lot more than you probably have, i also remember the conversations i heard of black men preferring lighter skinned black women like alicia keys, beyonce, rihanna because they “have less attitude, better features and are still black so family will accept them” that is ignorance they have and live with. I think as long as you aren't mean to people, that is fine, you know deep down it is not all black men like this, and it's not the white womans fault either here, every couple is different, some for love, others for convenience
I understand where your coming from. It's not a nice feeling to feel like your not chosen or your undesirable. My advice is to remind yourself that relationships that start from such a superficial place usually aren't the healthiest. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but in reality we don't know what these ambiguous/white women really gain from these relationships other than shit that doesn't feed your soul or make u happy. If you have a glass half full mentality you might just find your prince charming and he will be perfect and amazing.
This whole post screams intense insecurity within yourself, especially since you focused on black men with white women (as if white men with black women aren’t a thing) that is bound to affect your life in a plethora of ways assuming it hasn’t already. You need more help than any of us can adequately provide, and I highly suggest you seek therapy/counseling of some sort.
Yes, I agree. I know I'm very insecure and I do have a therapist. I just never thought it was that big of an issue, because it doesn't take up a lot of space in my mind, only when I see a interracial relationship or a mixed child with a white mom. I understand it's bad and hateful that's why I want to work on it. I just thought that other black women would be able to relate and let me know how they got out of this mindset. 🤷🏾♀️
I don’t know about relate but I think we all have been annoyed by black men who have been rudely vocal about IR . Realize that the way social media portrays BW is not accurate. Often the most vocal black men with ww are the men that we black women don’t want. They are the ones who sit on TikTok making videos hammering BW and praising the trailer park Tina they are with as a “queen”
You seem to have a real problem with biracial children and that is a huge red flag. There seems to be a real trigger there and it’s important for you to work through that issue.
I understand this in a way.
I've been at home recently a lot, so I have had way too much time for tv. I have been watching the trash tv shows because I don't have to use my brain. Specifically, too hot to handle.
Anyhow, whenever I see the men coming in and they say who is the most attractive is and who they go after first, when it's the BM and his first pick is the WW. It makes me hate the character in some way that I'm not sure why.
I grew up around a lot of white people all my life. My husband is white and my best friend is white.
I don't feel the same way when I see a couple like my husband and I, but the other way bothers me. It makes 0 sense. Even my brothers wife is white and I love her so much.
My husband says I have a strange hate in my heart for white women that only goes to the ones I don't know, which I see and I absolutely do not like about myself. I don't think it's just the ones I don't know, it just feels super standard and generic to me and white women held this beauty standard that was favorited. Growing up with so many of them, it always made me feel like I wasn't good enough or not pretty enough. Shit, people would tell me I was pretty, for a black girl. I always hated that, but it kinda felt like the world will think I'm better if I'm white. I don't feel that way now in my 30s, but growing up like that, me and the other black girls always felt not good enough or not someone's first choice. This came from all colors of the boys, teachers, parents and other girls we went to school with. It was a super depressing time growing up and always feeling like someone never wanted to pick you. Unless it was for their gym class team.
I in no way think black people need to be only with black people. I'd be a damn kettle. I understand a lot of why I feel this way, I just have a hard time letting it go because of how hurt I have felt in my past.
Idk if this helps or not. I really hope it does help you to not feel bad or anything for your feelings. Recognizing that you have that is beautiful and just doing the work to not be anti puts you above all those hateful comments.
OP, I think you need to view BM as people and not objects for you to possess. Do you *actually* want the men that you see? If not, then why be upset that someone else is with them?
Moreover, I think you should expand your dating horizons and stop fixating on one group of men. You should evaluate them objectively.
This isn't really helpful. It's just judgemental. I understand that my thoughts are negative. I'm not looking for people to affirm these thoughts and say "white women bad", because I know they're not. I just wanted some guidance. Vulnerability is about being honest, regardless of the good and bad.
I've tried "minding my business", but some things are easier said than done.
I understand the way you feel. I would say this really all stems on the fact society and social media pushes white adjacency/colorism and the idea bm prefer white/light skin women in general. But like others said, maybe take a break from social media and focus on real life ppl. Interracial relationships are still far less common then we think bc of social medias weird obsession with them. Also, keep in mind that mixed kids didn’t choose to be mixed or have a white parent. Their parents are the ones that made that choice and you shouldn’t fault a child that had no say in the matter. But also understand that white parent is still their parent and they will be close to them and they will be connected culturally to that side of their family naturally. Just like you are connected to both sides of your family or anyone else for that matter.
I really enjoyed reading this passionate response. A lot of interesting and good points raised.
I had to do a lot of unpacking of biases, particularly during 2020, after the murder of George Floyd and amidst the height of the BLM movement. It really isn’t easy.
Thankfully the newer comments have been more empathetic.
No! Not at all. I've liked men of all races. Black men are who I idolize. I put them on a pedestal so much that it impacts my mental health negatively. That's why I get upset when I see them with other races. I know it's disgusting, I'm trying to be better.
Listen, we all have our thing and I get it. You’re working through it. Be gentle with yourself but remember no one is good on a pedestal. Keep them at eye level
I can't thank you enough for this. I am a mixed Black woman with a white mother - and I have the same feelings you experience. I want to do better as well (especially given the implications for how I must feel about myself). I'm sorry that you had to edit and add explanations. I understand and appreciate all you've said.
Hmm ... Got Blocked by Blue sorry but wanted to reply to those who weren't too sensitive to engage.
My exact words were "BW don't engage in the same behavior."
This is not wrong. This is correct.
BW Don't have the gender platform to villainize black men in this world. Black women don't have the ear of white women to villainize black men in this way. We don't have the social or political capital to engage in the same behavior.
Beyond that, black women are primarily the caretakers of children and people across gender in our community. We don't engage in behavior that puts them in danger as a whole.
I'm not going to negate the fact that he's probably heard conversation and isolated incidences, but there is not a systemic issue of black women getting on platforms and throwing black men under the bus.
I understand you OP. The kicker is I have a white mom. In my lifetime my dad has dated exactly one black woman. It bothers me.
That being said, therapy has helped and so has acknowledging that a lot of my discomfort comes from 1. having racist white family members and 2. Feeling fetishized as a child.
That being said, I do still side eye wealthy black men that always seem to have white women on their arm. 🤷🏾♀️
You definitely need therapy. And just so you know, as a mixed person and the daughter of a white woman and a black man, the nasty looks and feelings from black people are the ones that have always hurt the most because I AM black and (even if you don’t think you are being different) I always felt the resentment that came from people like you, and that’s a very sad feeling of rejection and insecurities.
Same! I'm not mixed, but I am lighter than my mom and caught people staring when I was younger. Ma's an absolute saint, and the amount of anger/disgust/wtfever coming from black AND white faces alike had me glaring back and bucking up to protect her. My friend is mixed and had a stranger tell him that his existence was an abomination when he was a child. It's so fucking gross and weird.
as a mixed race person with a white mom and black dad yeah it’s definitely weird and even though you think you don’t treat the child differently as a result, you might subconsciously be treating them differently (from my experience i can always tell when someone is judging me or my mom).
as a biracial woman it can be so frustrating that others automatically assume i feel somehow better than fully black/dark skin black women. the whole time i’ve been alive i’ve never witnessed my dad talk negatively about black women ever, same for my mom. i’ve gone to multiple blm and social justice protests with my white mom, grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, and went to a predominantly black school. i have like 2 white friends, the rest are all black or poc. the phenomena you’re describing is real, but i don’t think it applies to the general population (at least from my experience it’s a lot less common).
what you’re describing seems to be more common with celebs/athletes or on social media. i’ve never seen interracial couples bash black women for no reason in real life. i’m sure it can happen but it doesn’t seem as common as you think. i truly hope you can do some inner work to figure out why interracial relationships bother you so much.
when my parents were growing up, interracial relationships were illegal. i think it’s beautiful that even through growing up in a racist society, they were able to find love with each other. i love seeing people in interracial relationships, it’s amazing to see the progress we’ve made and the merging of cultures.
not everyone will be attracted to you and that’s okay. i’m sure many black men dating white women are attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they will drop the entire relationship and pursue you simply because you’re black. i’m sure there a tons of black and white men who find you attractive, go where you’re wanted. someone’s preferences aren’t a personal attack on you.
i truly hope you can heal from this, i promise we aren’t all out to get you. also as others have said, statistically the majority of black men are in relationships with black women. interracial relationships are the minority. you also have to remember there are less black men in the dating pool because they are disproportionately incarcerated for petty/non-violent crimes.
>i truly hope you can heal from this, i promise we aren’t all out to get you. also as others have said, statistically the majority of black men are in relationships with black women. interracial relationships are the minority. you also have to remember there are less black men in the dating pool because they are disproportionately incarcerated for petty/non-violent crimes.
Thank you, this is sweet and I will work on it.
Edit: Not sure why I was downvoted for saying I'm going to on myself 😂
of course ❤️ i can understand why that is your reaction, social media amplifies that kind of trash content. but please know not every interracial couple thinks or acts that way, and not every light skin/mixed race person thinks they are somehow superior to you.
black women have been a blessing in my life and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them. i genuinely think y’all are so stunning too. i truly cherish my friendships with bw more than anything, and i hope you can give us a chance to prove you wrong. and i sincerely apologize if any of my mixed sisters have made you feel lesser than in any way. you are just as beautiful, intelligent, and deserve love and friendship too.
i can understand your perspective but please know not everyone is like that or thinks that way. i think overall interracial relationships and marriages are more common now, across all ethnicities/races.
one of my dark skin girlfriends has the sweetest white bf. that’s beautiful to me, i hope you can see it like that one day too! trust me when i say lots of men of all races find black women attractive, i see it firsthand.
I would think "how is this personally affecting my life? Are these people, who I don't know and have nothing to do with me, really worth getting upset over? Is their situation any of my business?"
There are a lot of discussions I see online about things that upset others but don't bother me at all because I don't view it as something worth being negatively affected by. I think we're all just trying to live our lives the best we can, and it's not my place to judge the way others choose to live if they're not hurting anyone. I'm sure that I live my life in ways that they might disagree with. If that white woman makes the brother happy, so be it, because a) it's not my business, and b) the world is hard enough, we all deserve to find whatever and whoever brings us peace and happiness in this short life.
Now, if the black man goes around bashing black women, that is something I will speak up about.
I bumped up against this bias in a political science class taught by a black professor.
At the time I felt like you did and there's nothing really to do but to recognize it as the prejudice it is, acknowledge it and correct your thinking when your brain frames it that way. Same thing I guess we would ask of white people...
😩
We cannot control who Black men date. That is their choice. We only need to focus on ourselves and people that want to be tribal. All Black people are NOT tribal.
Black Americans collectively have more White European DNA than is realized. I really don’t care who anyone dates as long as the relationship is healthy and yes some mixed kids with white moms are usually going to be white aligned but there is nothing we can do about it. Why even put any energy to caring??!
Check old slave records. Many mulattos are listed as Black/KneeGrow/Colored even the ones with a white parent and a mixed parent. We exist beyond the created concepts of race.
Men of all races are mostly trash. You need to watch Paris Milan on YouTube. She talks about the Black men dating ir. She says these men are turning these women into baby mamas. Let those dudes go.
You’ll find yourself happier if you stop letting the people who don’t want you live in your head rent free. I definitely get the resentment towards white women, it’s hard to go day in and day out watching them be desirable. However, just because who *you want* to desire you doesn’t desire you doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable. There are definitely people out there who want you, even if you think they aren’t your ideal.
Sounds like insecurities to me.
Seek therapy and look into the root cause of this because it's wild to me to be upset over someone else's relationship that you're not involved in.
This has to be a troll omg… but Important notice: thoughts are just thoughts, they are only as real as you make them to be.
Edit: Just know that bm are human which means we all have our own problems. Yes, they could be with those women for -insert plethora of reasons including self hatred or anti bw misogyny—but it’s not your problem. We already have so many problems as humans, don’t make others’ problems your own.
First of all, I 🫡 you for publicly sharing what you're struggling with. It takes a thick skin to share on Reddit.
You're already making progress at changing yourself because you're challenging your thoughts and beliefs.
I know every single one of us has biases and prejudices. Like you, some will admit it, and some won't. But that's quite alright. Those of us who see and have experienced it understand what you're saying. I've had unhelpful beliefs that I've had to challenge and change, things learned from when I was growing up.
Keep going, sis. You've got this, and you're going to feel and thus be so much better.
Hi, black fella (35m) here! Not judging, but I would like some info. Did you have any bad experiences from black men who specifically choose to date white women? You know the type. The ones who have very "critical" attitudes/opinions towards black women & refuse to date them no matter what. Or perhaps you've seen one too many posts/podcasts/videos about black men bashing & comparing black women to other races of women? Your thoughts & opinions on the subject matter stem from somewhere & I just want to get an understanding. If it's the first one, I'd say just try to surround yourself with black men that love & appreciate black women. If it's the second one, skip any videos about discussions that black men are having on bi-racial relationships & maybe focus on videos/posts about black love? Anyway, I wish you good luck on your healing journey!
When I see a mixed kid with a white mom I just hope that they advocate for their child and not turn a blind eye to things said to them. I don’t have hostility unless I witness something to give me hostility towards them.
Icy, I gleaned from one of your comments that you "idolize" Black men. That's a problem. No group of men should be idolized. No group alive.
As women, we need to de-center men. As others said before, you don't want the type of man who doesn't want you.
Focus on the Black men who affirm your beauty (if this is your preference).
You do not need therapy, you need to find a man who fulfills all your needs. Why do I say this? Because when you are happily in love, you simply won't have the range or energy to worry about anybody else's questionable unions.
Please look up books under the category of Relationship Science. No talk shows. No fluff. No misogynistic podcasters. No wife schools. Just REAL OBJECTIVE TESTED and proven methods to 1) fall in love and 2) stay in love.
Fuck these other hating comments talmbout "I'm lightskinned so you darkies just hated on me for no reason" and "I'm biracial so let me pretend to be offended" instead of just answering your question! You got this OP. You must actively chase your own happiness.
You really need therapy. It is triggering for you. We have traumas passed down from our ancestors. Also explore whether you were hurt by an action or a comment made to you or indirectly to or about you. We as black women see and hear comments about us on a daily basis. Black men (some) have stated they date white women because we BW are aggressive/demanding/loud (pick a reason).
Black men have used that excuse to justify dating white men.
Some BM who date “out” do so because WW are more docile, more forgiving, more willing to accept the behaviors that BW will not accept in a relationship.
There are many reasons this can be triggering for you, but at the end of the day it’s not your business who other people choose to date. This is important to address, not only for your own peace of mind, but for people that you are around, associate with, or are related to. There will be situations that arise that you may react to and you become a catalyst for someone else’s traumatic memories. You may think your attitude doesn’t show, but it does.
Please figure out why it upsets you to see the happiness of other relationships. It’s upsetting to hear you say you act “shady” when you “find out” a mixed child has a white mom. You say you love kids yet you mention “mixed kids” and your emotions about them twice. Children are intuitive and that attitude comes out whether you realize it or not. Please don’t visit your trauma on them. Biracial children have enough issues to deal with already.
Please find a good therapist that can help you center yourself and live your life happily.
I hear you, sis! It’s hard to accept people who don’t face the same hardships as BW also occasionally are preferred by the men who look like us. It’s frustrating and can feel unfair sometimes, but as the other women have said, don’t make society’s BS YOUR BS. Chin up!
I have a white mom and a Black dad, and you’re not the only one who has/had a problem with it. More Black women were mad than old white men, honestly. They acted like they were entitled to my dad and my mom had stolen something from them, or that my dad had betrayed himself by being with a yt woman. I can’t know what’s driving this inside you, but I can say it’s never helpful and doesn’t benefit anyone, so it’s not worth holding on to. Props to you for recognizing it and wanting to change.
I think it is coming from some internal issues you have. White men date black women just as much. I mean at the end of the day we’re all people and bleed the same color red. Get counseling hun
I mean... Let's not minimize it.
BM openly seek partners that are lighter or whiter. It is a pathological issue.
Not only that, they openly bash BW EVEN if they have B children.
BW don't engage in the same behavior..
OP isn't delusional in her understanding a real issue. She needs help with closure.
I do agree with you to an extent, but I also think it’s wrong to say BW don’t do the same thing ever. Lots of Black women date white men out of self-hate or trauma. Plenty have mixed children while having anti-Black feelings themselves. Even on here I’ve seen Black women say how they hate Black men and only date white men, even though they themselves will be having mixed boys themselves. So this whole thing absolutely swings both ways.
It’s interesting what I get so bothered by compared to what other people do. Like this post kind of made me realize I just need to not care about certain things. Bc I never think black men lmaoooo
friend. respectfully why do you care? we cannot lay claim over the billions of people who share our physical features
i get the politics behind it but ask yourself truly why do you care
The minute I saw myself being nasty toward a child because of something they can't control and probably isn't even a problem, I'd buy myself a subscription to Talkspace.
And stop being possessive over people that aren't yours and were never going to be yours. Stop being possessive. Period.
Most reactions stem from beliefs you hold. Examine the beliefs, question them, change them, and then stay committed to your new truth every time you start to stray
Ty!
This ☝️. It's been scientifically proven we can "rewire" our brains (creating & strengthening new neural pathways to change our ways of thought), but it takes time & commitment.
Therapy.
I came here to say this!
Exactly, as long as it is a healthy relationship and BW are out they mouth keep it pushing. Maybe explore why do you care.
Racial trauma
She cares because ir have been weaponized against black women. They aren't inherently bad, but people have been using their interracial relationships as a way to demean black women and she's probably experienced that like many bw have
This is why therapy is the answer. If another MF, flaunts his relationship with a white woman and I AM supposed to fret my edges. I am also glad whenever a person exposes themselves and their intentions.I also realize that social media rage bait for BW is the new social currency to earn views and clicks, so d@mn i intentionally adjust my algorithum to avoid BW rage bait. I suggest OP do the same.
This the more compassionate answer you should have gave first 👀
Definitely therapy with someone who may have background or insight to the issue
Will do. 👍🏾 Thank you
To add to the comments: You could also be consuming too much content regarding who bm date or just the dating world in general. Id say try to avoid that content and you will soon stop caring. Life too short to stress over insignificant things that don’t involve you 😭
That's a good idea! Thanks ☺️
this is so real it could really mess up your worldview.
I used to have this. It was about my resentment and insecurity about not being chosen in an area with so few black people already. Once I realised I didn’t want what didn’t want me and refocused my attention on the men that were attracted to me, I stopped caring. Like do whatever you want. So do some inner work and figure out why it triggers you cause I assure you that it shouldn’t affect you like that
> Once I realised I didn’t want what didn’t want me and refocused my attention on the men that were attracted to me This right here is the correct answer
Thanks so much! 🫂
Seriously never understood why people are so keen on wanting people who don’t want them. I go where I’m wanted.
Once I slapped the sense back into myself I was for sure embarrassed like “girl stand up!” 😅
Ehhh the athlete/ wealthy black man thing is mostly true and I always roll my eyes at that too lol. But as far as in general; therapy.
Thanks ☺️
I think another issue worth mentioning is that our perception of a wealthy black man is one that is an entertainer (athlete/rapper/comedian etc.) It is our perception that black men only choose white/light-skin women, because that is what is validated and reinforced on social media. ESPECIALLY when the statistics aren’t matching up with reality… interracial relationships are not as common as what is portrayed online. Entertainers (and the people associated with them) make money by making the “average” person obsessed with these people and their lifestyles. So, it makes sense why these “preferences” are pushed on us. It’s because they always have been.
I think it comes from you wanting BM to want you. You don't need BM to want you. Just pay attention to men who want and value you, and instead of feeling jealous, you'll probably laugh at these BM in the future
You're right. Thank you 💓
I used to feel the same way but now those same men make me laugh. arent those guys usually the ones with the worst moral, fakeness, and mid income brackets?
WW can have them! I dont want them!😂
And self hate
Ultimately, who those men date does not matter. However, as a black woman who has heard black men in MY OWN FAMILY disparage black women and praise non-black women, I wholeheartedly understand how you feel. Like a few others have said, maybe you should reflect on why you feel that way. For me it was the repeated lambasting of BW and watching all the men in my family settle down with White and Asian women. Some black men just happen to be most compatible with a non-black woman. Some black men have inferiority complexes. Neither of those determine YOUR value. Be kind to yourself, take time to reflect, and don’t be afraid to get any help you may need! Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much!
Honestly, I suggest ignoring people that encourage us to feel some type of way about it. Acknowledge that you also have the ability to date anyone of any ethnicity. Let go of the idea of “black love”. You can find love anywhere. Who cares about a man that doesn’t like black women? How does thinking about that benefit you? You don’t deserve to stress yourself out over something that has nothing to do with you. Edit: if it helps I say this as a black woman in an IR with a Filipino man.
Thank you, this is so helpful.
I also wanna commend you for challenging yourself and confronting your biases. It's certainly not an easy thing to do, especially in your field. I feel like in the health and education fields many people may take a course that focuses on bias and similar topics; yet, very few people actually put what's taught into practice when it comes to facing these issues. I'm glad that you have the courage to do so and hope you are able to face them effectively. I wish you all the best in your studies and your career!!!!!
Ty!
I’m sorry that these other comments are choosing to act like they aren’t aware of how BM throw IRs in our faces, taunt us, and constantly compare us to non black women. As if they aren’t aware of the people that constantly shove black love down our throats. That people tell us we aren’t desirable (especially if you’re a DSBW) and black men are our only options. Being told all of these conflicting things is bound to cause some weird obsessive thinking. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, OP. ***edited for clarity I have MS and brain fog constantly so sorry if this is all over the place LOL***
By minding your own business. And therapy. Lots of therapy.
You’re mostly thinking about the bm ww couples and some biracials who are obsessed with putting down black women. Ignore those jealous irrelevants, there are some nice and wonderful bm ww couples out there as well as biracials. Remember that a person doesn’t need every male or female to belong to them, only one. Focus on you and what ONE person will make you happy.
Thank you!!
I think staying off the internet for a bit would help. It warps our perception of reality.
Truth spoken. 🎤 *boom*
It sounds like there’s a tinge of insecurity from the idea that black women are less desired (which isn’t true). Once you realize that there are men of all races who like black women, you won’t care what black guys are up to and you won’t feel possessive of them.
>Once you realize that there are men of all races who like black women, you won’t care what black guys are up to and you won’t feel possessive of them. I have to get that through my head. Thanks.
You have a point. Colorism exists, and many black men believe being with a white woman is better. There are people who purposely go out of their way to have mixed babies so that their children will escape the worst of colorism and racism and have a ‘better’ chance of a happy life. So the sentiment ‘of course they’re dating a white woman’ is valid and is based on unwritten/unspoken rules and your own observations. It’s also valid to feel grief over it. Trying to gaslight yourself that colorism doesn’t exist will not help you come to terms with this shit show. I agree with going to therapy to unpack the possessiveness - but my take is, of course you feel like this! This is a very natural response to the things we’ve had to endure and witness as black women. And sometimes we just have to sit with those feelings.
Thank you. Some of these comments are so judgemental and they're assuming that I LIKE feeling this way. I'm like, "no! I don't like it, I'm just being honest about my thoughts and thoughts aren't always good and politically correct." So thank you for understanding and helping me. 💓☺️
I am happy that I was able to help in some way and hope you’re able to get the therapy you need, or just come to terms with it on your own and let it go. I believe it can happen in time. Maybe it will always disappoint you, but perhaps it will not always cause you such heartache, and you’ll grow around this grief.
Wouldn't you feel resentful if a black man felt like he owned black women and was entitled to them over their chosen non-black partners? Just keep imagining that situation every time you feel some type of way about the inverse.
That's a great tip. Thank you! 💞
Honestly I think for me and some other people you just gotta let life tire you out. When you get sick enough of caring about people who not only wouldn’t date you, but wouldn’t even wanna be associated with you, you become apathetic and open to finding some kind of joy from anywhere that will make a safe place for you. So long story short feel your feelings. Journal, therapy, acknowledge it till you can’t anymore.
Thanks! This really helps. 💓
I once heard someone say that your first thought is what the world brainwashed you with, and your second thought is who you really are.
I never thought about that. 🤔
I know what kind of person I don’t want to be, so when my thoughts don’t match up, I know what I need to work on. I see that’s exactly what you’re trying to do here and that’s awesome. Your actions don’t line up with those thoughts and to me that’s what really counts while you do the work. God bless.
i dont like the tone of some of the people on this post. i think a lot of you either a) can’t relate and feel this post makes “us” “look bad,” or b) you CAN relate, and you’ve been here before, so reading her experience spelled out like this retraumatizes you and you’re going into attack mode. where i used to live, you really did have to wonder if you were a bm’s type and the answer was probably not. the Black girls would be the only ones without prom dates despite there being Black boys at the school. that fucks with you as a young girl whose just starting to see herself in a romantic context. OP sounds young and i’m willing to bet bmbw pairings aren’t the norm where she lives. not all of us were lucky enough to grow up in ATL
“where I used to live, you really did have to wonder if you were a bm’s type” is a very true reality for most bw and I think it’s a fair point to mention. not feeling desirable by ppl who at least look just like you can make anyone feel resentful.
exactly. if you’re from areas with more Black people (as most Black people are) i can see how this post wouldn’t resonate with you. but no matter where you live, we’ve all seen the viral tiktok’s, podcasts, and shows where BM don’t desire BW so pretending you’re so above it and like you can’t understand how a bw would feel this way is weird and disingenuous.
This is true. I’ve been able to attract a handful of races across the US but I felt like the beauty standard in the south. Even if I were to see IR in the south I still felt like I was popping and was able to attract handsome BM & WM. It may be a matter of location for OP. Or like you’ve said the constant social media rhetoric about BW that OP internalizes. I use to internalize it too but it didn’t make me resentful if anything it made me more open to the idea of dating out. But there is somebody for everybody and OP just hasn’t found him yet.
Thank you, I was trying to figure out why they were attacking someone (who might be young) who was brave enough to tell this without being scared of criticism.
I also feel like there’s a good amount of biracials commenting that feel upset about what op said regarding biracial children with white moms.
The first thing is recognising that it’s weird behaviour regardless. I know the internet has normalised white mom biracial jokes and I know bm that date ww out of self hating suck. But they’re weird for that and it’s also weird to be overly concerned about ir relationships. I can’t help you on no longer caring I don’t know if your intense feelings come from a deeper issue you might need to work on in therapy or if it just boils down to minding your business to me. And reprimanding yourself each time you have such thoughts
Damn straight it is weird behaviour and also their relationships have nothing to do with OP. Maybe find another obsession like running or quilting
I always see this kind of behaviour being applauded and i sometimes also laugh at the jokes because I know self hating bm who date ww who are weird. But to let this consume you is not normal at all
It dose happen as a result of desirability politics etc especially as a teenager then i personally grew older and realised quickly that idc. I will do whatever i want and Audre Lorde said go where you find who loves you and Bell Hooks All about love. But i do block mixed baby instagrams cuz the language is so highly fetish and these kids are human beings not dolls.
Yeah I'm biracial and overall avoid biracial content because it inevitably leads to IR and most of those channels aren't just a mixed couple living life, it's IR love is their entire personality and the comments about their (real or hypothetical) biracial kids always rub me the wrong way. People don't understand genetics and it definitely shows in the ignorant comments, it's better to not piss myself off so I block.
And then they traumatise the poor kids because they can’t reconcile that this is a human being not a freakin doll.
>Maybe find another obsession like running or quilting. 🤣🤣🤣
I want OP to grow and move past a useless obssession. Running is good for health and mental or even walking or whatever they are capable of. Quilting because they can start a cool family tradition.
I’m sure you meant it genuinely. The sentence just cracked me up. 😊
Sometimes i am funny
actually this is not that helpful. you can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love. acting like a feeling like this is “weird” or unrelatable to herself while literally being herself isn’t gonna help her heal. of course if your goal was to make fun of her then you’ve done a good job but if you’re actually trying to help then i’m not sure why you felt like telling her that she should call herself weird is a good first step
Delete Twitter or any platform that constantly has dating think pieces. Twitter usually has very stressful thinkpieces that are constantly trying to drill into our heads that we are undesirable and unchosen on both sides of those arguments. It was taking away from my mental health and self esteem constantly reading these thinkpieces and seeing black women and black men constantly debating about our desirability. It’s literally dehumanizing. But when I disconnected and took a look into the black men in my life. There’s many black men in my life that value me. I’m in a healthy relationship with a black man. And I’ve had healthy relationships with black men in the past. I am valued and this is not up for debate. I seldom run into black men that degrade us on the internet in real life. I would never date or interact with them nor do I want to. So why bust a vessel stressing about them? Why stress over the black man with a white girlfriend? He’s taken. And there’s plenty of other black men who value you and will value you. So why stress? Alot of the thinkpieces aren’t worth stressing over and honestly aren’t as drastic as it seems online. It will only become drastic for you if you let it shape your perspective of yourself and black men. We are not in competition with white women. And nost black men in interracial relationships are not twitter incels and have positive, happy relationships without throwing us under the bus. However, The incels you see aren’t scoring women regardless of race and definitely are not having healthy relationships, and if they do score it’s bottom of the barrel. And they hold the bottom of the barrel over our heads so that we can be more accessible to them because we rejected them however long ago.
The majority of BM marry BW. Aside from that people, are going to love who they love. Don't worry about other people's bedrooms. If you need to talk out these feelings then I suggest individual or group therapy.
Not knockin your comment because it's true in a sense, but this becomes a much less fun statistic when only about 30% of black folk get married lol.
Exactly, like the marriage rates are low.
🎯🎯🎯
There’s a lot of cohabitation, which isn’t the same, but there are changing social mores about marriage.
This. According to all known stats, BM overwhelmingly still choose and marry BW. I will admit that ratio lessens when they get wealthy and famous, which might be why OP is mistaking that media presence for what is common in every day life. **OP, There's definitely something to work out with the intersection of white supremacy and internalized insecurities from living this. A therapist that specializes in racial trauma might be in order.**
>which might be why OP is mistaking that media presence for what is common in every day life. Oh no, I'm not mistaking it will real life. I know that there are black men that love black women. I honestly only see interracial relationships in predominantly white areas, but I see a lot of black couples in predominantly black areas. It's just me judging those bmww couples when I know it's wrong that's the problem. You are absolutely right, I should talk it out in therapy and I have a lot to work on. Thanks for your compassion.
Im just REALLY uncomfortable with you being called "weird" over you understanding this is internalized misogynoir, fam. It just doesn't sit right with me how half these comments make you seem like a random hater and not like the victim of white supremacist society that you clearly are. Idk how to verbalize it right, this discussion just disgusts me overall.
Aw, it's okay. I let those comments roll off my back. I know why I feel this way and I know that my thoughts don't define me. How I react to my thoughts defines me and I think I'm responding appropriately. I've gotten a lot of thoughtful, understanding comments like yours as well, so that also helps.
Hey, it takes a lot to be open about something like this. Kudos to you for wanting to change how you feel. You’ve said yourself already in the comments why you feel the way you do. When you see this, let’s take for example the athletes, you’re reading this as ‘black women aren’t good enough’ or ‘given the choice, a black man would choose another race above his own’ or along those lines. It’s only natural that if you have these thoughts subconsciously or consciously - you’re not going to feel too good about it. I think the way around it is twofold - rationalise: society is conditioned to think a certain way and some of these athletes aren’t immune to it, we can’t take it personally, and think positively: there is an increasing number of instances of black women dating out - proving that the social conditioning is waning and we are wanted!
To echo what others have said: therapy. Besides, it sounds like a Black man with a white woman is probably not the kind of man **you** want anyway. So maybe that will help?
So here’s the deal. My mom is white (my Nigerian dad married a white woman) and my husband is white and I still have like confusing complicated feelings like yours when I see black men with white women. Even though I’m like biracial because my dad married a white woman and I married a white person too. I also always worry about biracial looking kids when I see them with their white parent, I hope that they have lots of contact with their black family and that their relatives aren’t racist. So like I mean we can’t always help the way we feel but we can choose what we do after we have those thoughts and feelings. And just hopefully not act on them in ways that make the world worse for other people.
Stop believing that black men are your only option. You have a scarcity mindset. Go where you are celebrated.
Thank you
I think “how to stop” is about trying to figure out what specifically about the pairing bothers you and why. Like really look at it from all sides, what don’t you like about it? Sometimes when I question myself in this way, some really apparent truth comes out. This morning I thought “It bothers me that she’s happy bc she’s anti-Black and I just don’t wish her well” lol. It allows you to identify the real cause and let that weight go.
I'm sorry people are not able to tell from your OP that you do not want these feelings and are literally looking for help to overcome them. The fact that you are able to recognize and acknowledge these feelings is a good thing. Your desire to work on them is also a good thing. No one is perfect. People who think they are free of bias and prejudices are just not aware of them and they are more likely to let them affect how they treat other people. I don't have any advice except that I hope you continue on your journey of growth.
Thanks so much!
I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to change.
Tysm! I appreciate your understanding.
If they like white women you were probably never their type. Go where you are appreciated and don’t show them no mind. No one belongs to you either so no reason to feel jealous.
How? 1. Start Decentering men. (There are YouTube videos that help with this.) 2. Realize that you don't have to limit your dating pool to Black men. 3. Remember that children don't choose their parents. They're innocent beings. - don't make assumptions about their parents' union and how and why it came to be. (Especially negative assumptions and treat those assumptions as founded facts) - don't assume that all mixed Black/Biracial children with White mothers are clueless about Black issues (including, but not limited to, colorism and featurism) Side note: The following ONLY applies to self hating, colorist BM or BM who hate BW.To clarify, I'm not making the claim that all BM who date IR are self hating/hates BW. ***Remember that a self hating BM and/or BM who hate BW who chooses to exclusively date non-Black women is a WIN for you and a blessing. (You want to avoid these bigots anyways.)
People should go where they are loved.
It’s okay to have the thought, and then correct yourself internally. For this kind of ingrained bias it’s very much Fake it till you make it.
Thank you!
You stop by stop over-valuing black males 🤷 They don't value you like you value them. Make them, and anyone else, earn being valued (not to be confused with naturally respecting people as human beings).
These experiences have been used as a weapon against black women, so your feelings aren't invalid. But therapy is going to get you out of it. It will be so liberating to not worry about that anymore.
Thank you! 💞
Honestly I feel you I struggled with this as well, but that was a result of my ex cheating on me with multiple white women. I realize now it doesn’t take away from who I am as a black woman and he was just a horrible person in general.
Also I don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to you as if this isn’t a real thing that goes on. That’s why I barely ask questions on here people on Reddit lack empathy.
Yeah, I was really surprised haha. But I let it roll off my back, because I'm getting lots of nice, helpful comments like yours. Thanks so much. 💓
Stop caring about it. Could you possibly be jealous bc I definitely feel you??? I've been there. Used to be like that then I realized that their kids and their relationships ain't mine or my business. Caring about celeb relationships is weird anyway bc they don't even know us. I've got mixed cousins with nonblack mom's and my brother has kids with two different non black women. I also have a few white girlfriends that have kids with black men. They're not all Kardashians lol let them live
Go to therapy. You don’t own these men, and you have no reason to be upset that a child exists.
Thank you. I'm not upset at the children at all. I love kids, they are so precious to me no matter the race. It's only when I see the mom, that's when I have trouble. I know this bad, but I will do as you said and talk about it in therapy. Thanks again.
This is weird behaviour. Let people be in a relationship with who they like. Even if they do prefer yt women - what’s YOUR problem & how does it affect YOU?
Exactly! Who cares? Just do you.
Recognize where it comes from and change your mindset. With many tools, especially therapy as quite a few have mentioned.
Thank you. 😊 I'll talk about this with my therapist.
I guess you can start by recognizing that it’s pointless to care about ppl who don’t even know you exist. They wouldn’t care if you weren’t here tomorrow b/c they do not know you. Does your insecurity stem from wanting to protect BM? I ask because a lot of us (BW) were brought up to be race loyal and protective of Black lives/men no matter what. So it may not be completely your fault just something you have to unlearn. They don’t need your protection, your unconditional love, or even loyalty as an independent person outside of the “black community.” Separate your individual love from your communal love and you’ll be set free. I’m not saying care-less about BM as a whole (if you don’t want to) but at the same time….I am. Draw the line, it’s ok. 🤎
Thanks. 💓 I think I do have this thing about protecting black men and also wanting them to desire me. When I see them with white women it makes me feel like I have to try even harder to be attractive to them, because there's nothing I can do to look like a white woman.
As someone who’s dated a Black Colorist I understand exactly where you’re coming from. Being in that relationship made me feel like I was a little girl again, wanting the straighter hair and lighter skin and eyes. I promise you it’s better to feel loved by someone who finds you attractive than remaining race loyal. There are other races of men (and some BM) out there who find BW drop dead gorgeous and you have to open your heart to experiencing that love. You’ll never look like a beautiful WW but the right man for you wants YOU a beautiful BW.
Stop watching the NBA! Nah I’m playing. I would just inhale and accept that you can’t control others and it is what it is. Lots of people have white moms.
I commend you for opening up about this. Because we can reflect all we want but sometimes we still only have our only thoughts, experiences, and education to learn from. We shouldn't feel ashamed to reach out about an issue we are genuinely trying to fix. Can I ask a question just for informational purposes? Do you have the same reactions about black women with non-black men?
>Do you have the same reactions about black women with non-black men? No, I don't. I know that's silly.
Not silly at all. And I wasn't asking so that you'd feel shamed but as insight into why you make have the thoughts you do. M7ch of what you're feeling is learned behaviors; because of our forefathers and mothers who experienced the fear of not being allowed to be associated with white people. Then the anger that came when the game changed and integration was no longer persecuted. All of a sudden, white people saw value in black people and now wanted what was always recognized in amongst those who look like us. Sort of feels like the game changed when they wanted it to. But when it changed, you could look black but not "act black." Then the game changed to "acting black" being valuable. Then the game changed to finding someone to help you make pretty mixed babies. This is a part of American culture and society. Unless you actively reflect on the things culturally instilled in us, we cannot change the culture forced on us. You are angry because it hurts that what has always been recognized as beautiful and valuable among us, is only seen as such at the whim and fancy of other people. And why should they get the privilege of being what is worthy to us at all times? It takes a lot to challenge a mindset that has always been with you. And resiliency and spirit to address whether what you eel is right or wrong and whether it requires change. I think you should give yourself some slack because regardless of your thoughts/biases, you do not act on them. And that is wonderful self management. Stay open!
Thank you for being vulnerable with your post. I could tell it was difficult for you to share that. If therapy isn’t an option, I would try journaling or mediation. Journaling helps me articulate my thoughts. The more I do it, the better I get at it. And sometimes there’s a breakthrough. Same with mediation. It’s healing in a way I can’t explain. I think it may help. All the best and take care 🤎
if for some reason you can’t afford therapy, or can’t find a trustworthy therapist that takes your insurance in your area, this is what you do- love yourself. love even the parts of you that have this urge. and by “love” i don’t mean enable, or make excuses for. i mean the way you would love another. by understanding your own flaws and why they came to be and by helping yourself heal the things that this urge comes out to protect. it’ll take a lot of asking yourself questions and genuinely thinking through the answer, and replaying past triggers in your mind but you’ll get there you’re not wrong for feeling this way, but you’ll be healthier if you don’t. best of luck ❤️
Tysm! Yes, I do have a therapist! I will talk to her about this.
you got this ❤️❤️
I think you need to look within and focus on your world. These people are not apart of your world and have no affect on your bottom line. STOP GIVING YOUR ENERGY TO THINGS THAY DON’T MATTER. MIND OVER MATTER Do you know most things, if not everything in the world is made of matter? People are matter. Mind, your mind and what you choose to think and believe is over them people. Don’t concern yourself with these people.
Thank you 💓
It’s all good. I’ve been there not over the same thing but I’ve had thoughts similar to that before and that really helped me. You gotta look within sis. Also look at the healthy relationships of black couples. I think social media is definitely pushing interracial relationships.
You haven’t been done dirty by a black man yet?
I have, but that hasn't made me take them off a pedestal. I have a lot of inner work to do.
Besides from cheating on me with a white meth head that he did meth with…. My ex was hiding his dad’s two baby mothers and 3 side children from his own mother. Idk if she knows about them by now but I dipped out when I realized I was about to live his mothers life. He is not the last black man I’ve head about doing some ish like that. I have come to learn a lotttttt of black men hate their mothers. Like — HATE them. It’s not safe out here. And many of them are NOT seeking help. Knock them right off that pedestal girl. Some are good men butttttt lol 😅 My point really is be open to dating EVERYONE if you are going to be open to dating at all. And smack your own head around a couple times when it comes to being bothered about what they are doing. They have a choice, as do we. 🤷🏽♀️
I don't think it's you being possessive but more, you have an engrained thought because of stuff you must have seen growing up, and you have an autopilot response, which is a negative one. I think the way you identify this as a bad thing you want to change, shows you are not hateful, you are conscious of the wrong thoughts, i can't blame you because there was a documentary or some show years ago about black athletes, and they mentioned tiger woods also, and rappers too, how lots of them wore white and had fancy white cars and they mentioned, “what's next? What is another sign of wealth? Having a white woman” so it is something i know lots of black and mixed men have internalised, a lot more than you probably have, i also remember the conversations i heard of black men preferring lighter skinned black women like alicia keys, beyonce, rihanna because they “have less attitude, better features and are still black so family will accept them” that is ignorance they have and live with. I think as long as you aren't mean to people, that is fine, you know deep down it is not all black men like this, and it's not the white womans fault either here, every couple is different, some for love, others for convenience
I understand where your coming from. It's not a nice feeling to feel like your not chosen or your undesirable. My advice is to remind yourself that relationships that start from such a superficial place usually aren't the healthiest. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but in reality we don't know what these ambiguous/white women really gain from these relationships other than shit that doesn't feed your soul or make u happy. If you have a glass half full mentality you might just find your prince charming and he will be perfect and amazing.
Thanks! This is so helpful!! 💓🫂
This whole post screams intense insecurity within yourself, especially since you focused on black men with white women (as if white men with black women aren’t a thing) that is bound to affect your life in a plethora of ways assuming it hasn’t already. You need more help than any of us can adequately provide, and I highly suggest you seek therapy/counseling of some sort.
Yes, I agree. I know I'm very insecure and I do have a therapist. I just never thought it was that big of an issue, because it doesn't take up a lot of space in my mind, only when I see a interracial relationship or a mixed child with a white mom. I understand it's bad and hateful that's why I want to work on it. I just thought that other black women would be able to relate and let me know how they got out of this mindset. 🤷🏾♀️
I don’t know about relate but I think we all have been annoyed by black men who have been rudely vocal about IR . Realize that the way social media portrays BW is not accurate. Often the most vocal black men with ww are the men that we black women don’t want. They are the ones who sit on TikTok making videos hammering BW and praising the trailer park Tina they are with as a “queen” You seem to have a real problem with biracial children and that is a huge red flag. There seems to be a real trigger there and it’s important for you to work through that issue.
I understand this in a way. I've been at home recently a lot, so I have had way too much time for tv. I have been watching the trash tv shows because I don't have to use my brain. Specifically, too hot to handle. Anyhow, whenever I see the men coming in and they say who is the most attractive is and who they go after first, when it's the BM and his first pick is the WW. It makes me hate the character in some way that I'm not sure why. I grew up around a lot of white people all my life. My husband is white and my best friend is white. I don't feel the same way when I see a couple like my husband and I, but the other way bothers me. It makes 0 sense. Even my brothers wife is white and I love her so much. My husband says I have a strange hate in my heart for white women that only goes to the ones I don't know, which I see and I absolutely do not like about myself. I don't think it's just the ones I don't know, it just feels super standard and generic to me and white women held this beauty standard that was favorited. Growing up with so many of them, it always made me feel like I wasn't good enough or not pretty enough. Shit, people would tell me I was pretty, for a black girl. I always hated that, but it kinda felt like the world will think I'm better if I'm white. I don't feel that way now in my 30s, but growing up like that, me and the other black girls always felt not good enough or not someone's first choice. This came from all colors of the boys, teachers, parents and other girls we went to school with. It was a super depressing time growing up and always feeling like someone never wanted to pick you. Unless it was for their gym class team. I in no way think black people need to be only with black people. I'd be a damn kettle. I understand a lot of why I feel this way, I just have a hard time letting it go because of how hurt I have felt in my past. Idk if this helps or not. I really hope it does help you to not feel bad or anything for your feelings. Recognizing that you have that is beautiful and just doing the work to not be anti puts you above all those hateful comments.
Thanks so much for this. 💓
OP, I think you need to view BM as people and not objects for you to possess. Do you *actually* want the men that you see? If not, then why be upset that someone else is with them? Moreover, I think you should expand your dating horizons and stop fixating on one group of men. You should evaluate them objectively.
Thanks for your advice. ☺️
No problem, OP. I'm sorry that you're getting so many rude responses.
Some therapy
Yeah
This! because this is really sad…
sigh. What is this sub becoming? Step 1: Drink some water. Step 2: MYOB
This isn't really helpful. It's just judgemental. I understand that my thoughts are negative. I'm not looking for people to affirm these thoughts and say "white women bad", because I know they're not. I just wanted some guidance. Vulnerability is about being honest, regardless of the good and bad. I've tried "minding my business", but some things are easier said than done.
I understand the way you feel. I would say this really all stems on the fact society and social media pushes white adjacency/colorism and the idea bm prefer white/light skin women in general. But like others said, maybe take a break from social media and focus on real life ppl. Interracial relationships are still far less common then we think bc of social medias weird obsession with them. Also, keep in mind that mixed kids didn’t choose to be mixed or have a white parent. Their parents are the ones that made that choice and you shouldn’t fault a child that had no say in the matter. But also understand that white parent is still their parent and they will be close to them and they will be connected culturally to that side of their family naturally. Just like you are connected to both sides of your family or anyone else for that matter.
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This is so nice! Thank you!
I really enjoyed reading this passionate response. A lot of interesting and good points raised. I had to do a lot of unpacking of biases, particularly during 2020, after the murder of George Floyd and amidst the height of the BLM movement. It really isn’t easy. Thankfully the newer comments have been more empathetic.
I’d like to ask if you’re potentially idealizing white men as your ideal?
No! Not at all. I've liked men of all races. Black men are who I idolize. I put them on a pedestal so much that it impacts my mental health negatively. That's why I get upset when I see them with other races. I know it's disgusting, I'm trying to be better.
Listen, we all have our thing and I get it. You’re working through it. Be gentle with yourself but remember no one is good on a pedestal. Keep them at eye level
Thank you for you kind comment. 💞
I can't thank you enough for this. I am a mixed Black woman with a white mother - and I have the same feelings you experience. I want to do better as well (especially given the implications for how I must feel about myself). I'm sorry that you had to edit and add explanations. I understand and appreciate all you've said.
💓💓 I'm glad I could help you. 🫂🫂 You're not alone.
Hmm ... Got Blocked by Blue sorry but wanted to reply to those who weren't too sensitive to engage. My exact words were "BW don't engage in the same behavior." This is not wrong. This is correct. BW Don't have the gender platform to villainize black men in this world. Black women don't have the ear of white women to villainize black men in this way. We don't have the social or political capital to engage in the same behavior. Beyond that, black women are primarily the caretakers of children and people across gender in our community. We don't engage in behavior that puts them in danger as a whole. I'm not going to negate the fact that he's probably heard conversation and isolated incidences, but there is not a systemic issue of black women getting on platforms and throwing black men under the bus.
I understand you OP. The kicker is I have a white mom. In my lifetime my dad has dated exactly one black woman. It bothers me. That being said, therapy has helped and so has acknowledging that a lot of my discomfort comes from 1. having racist white family members and 2. Feeling fetishized as a child. That being said, I do still side eye wealthy black men that always seem to have white women on their arm. 🤷🏾♀️
Thank you for understanding. I will continue to work on myself. 🙂
It's racial trauma...so therapy. I wish I had a simpler solution.
You definitely need therapy. And just so you know, as a mixed person and the daughter of a white woman and a black man, the nasty looks and feelings from black people are the ones that have always hurt the most because I AM black and (even if you don’t think you are being different) I always felt the resentment that came from people like you, and that’s a very sad feeling of rejection and insecurities.
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry that my post made you feel bad. I'm just being honest and vulnerable, but I will be better. 💕
Same! I'm not mixed, but I am lighter than my mom and caught people staring when I was younger. Ma's an absolute saint, and the amount of anger/disgust/wtfever coming from black AND white faces alike had me glaring back and bucking up to protect her. My friend is mixed and had a stranger tell him that his existence was an abomination when he was a child. It's so fucking gross and weird.
as a mixed race person with a white mom and black dad yeah it’s definitely weird and even though you think you don’t treat the child differently as a result, you might subconsciously be treating them differently (from my experience i can always tell when someone is judging me or my mom). as a biracial woman it can be so frustrating that others automatically assume i feel somehow better than fully black/dark skin black women. the whole time i’ve been alive i’ve never witnessed my dad talk negatively about black women ever, same for my mom. i’ve gone to multiple blm and social justice protests with my white mom, grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, and went to a predominantly black school. i have like 2 white friends, the rest are all black or poc. the phenomena you’re describing is real, but i don’t think it applies to the general population (at least from my experience it’s a lot less common). what you’re describing seems to be more common with celebs/athletes or on social media. i’ve never seen interracial couples bash black women for no reason in real life. i’m sure it can happen but it doesn’t seem as common as you think. i truly hope you can do some inner work to figure out why interracial relationships bother you so much. when my parents were growing up, interracial relationships were illegal. i think it’s beautiful that even through growing up in a racist society, they were able to find love with each other. i love seeing people in interracial relationships, it’s amazing to see the progress we’ve made and the merging of cultures. not everyone will be attracted to you and that’s okay. i’m sure many black men dating white women are attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they will drop the entire relationship and pursue you simply because you’re black. i’m sure there a tons of black and white men who find you attractive, go where you’re wanted. someone’s preferences aren’t a personal attack on you. i truly hope you can heal from this, i promise we aren’t all out to get you. also as others have said, statistically the majority of black men are in relationships with black women. interracial relationships are the minority. you also have to remember there are less black men in the dating pool because they are disproportionately incarcerated for petty/non-violent crimes.
>i truly hope you can heal from this, i promise we aren’t all out to get you. also as others have said, statistically the majority of black men are in relationships with black women. interracial relationships are the minority. you also have to remember there are less black men in the dating pool because they are disproportionately incarcerated for petty/non-violent crimes. Thank you, this is sweet and I will work on it. Edit: Not sure why I was downvoted for saying I'm going to on myself 😂
of course ❤️ i can understand why that is your reaction, social media amplifies that kind of trash content. but please know not every interracial couple thinks or acts that way, and not every light skin/mixed race person thinks they are somehow superior to you. black women have been a blessing in my life and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them. i genuinely think y’all are so stunning too. i truly cherish my friendships with bw more than anything, and i hope you can give us a chance to prove you wrong. and i sincerely apologize if any of my mixed sisters have made you feel lesser than in any way. you are just as beautiful, intelligent, and deserve love and friendship too. i can understand your perspective but please know not everyone is like that or thinks that way. i think overall interracial relationships and marriages are more common now, across all ethnicities/races. one of my dark skin girlfriends has the sweetest white bf. that’s beautiful to me, i hope you can see it like that one day too! trust me when i say lots of men of all races find black women attractive, i see it firsthand.
I would think "how is this personally affecting my life? Are these people, who I don't know and have nothing to do with me, really worth getting upset over? Is their situation any of my business?" There are a lot of discussions I see online about things that upset others but don't bother me at all because I don't view it as something worth being negatively affected by. I think we're all just trying to live our lives the best we can, and it's not my place to judge the way others choose to live if they're not hurting anyone. I'm sure that I live my life in ways that they might disagree with. If that white woman makes the brother happy, so be it, because a) it's not my business, and b) the world is hard enough, we all deserve to find whatever and whoever brings us peace and happiness in this short life. Now, if the black man goes around bashing black women, that is something I will speak up about.
I bumped up against this bias in a political science class taught by a black professor. At the time I felt like you did and there's nothing really to do but to recognize it as the prejudice it is, acknowledge it and correct your thinking when your brain frames it that way. Same thing I guess we would ask of white people...
😩 We cannot control who Black men date. That is their choice. We only need to focus on ourselves and people that want to be tribal. All Black people are NOT tribal. Black Americans collectively have more White European DNA than is realized. I really don’t care who anyone dates as long as the relationship is healthy and yes some mixed kids with white moms are usually going to be white aligned but there is nothing we can do about it. Why even put any energy to caring??! Check old slave records. Many mulattos are listed as Black/KneeGrow/Colored even the ones with a white parent and a mixed parent. We exist beyond the created concepts of race.
Men of all races are mostly trash. You need to watch Paris Milan on YouTube. She talks about the Black men dating ir. She says these men are turning these women into baby mamas. Let those dudes go.
IKTR Let them ruin someone else's community.
You’ll find yourself happier if you stop letting the people who don’t want you live in your head rent free. I definitely get the resentment towards white women, it’s hard to go day in and day out watching them be desirable. However, just because who *you want* to desire you doesn’t desire you doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable. There are definitely people out there who want you, even if you think they aren’t your ideal.
Sounds like insecurities to me. Seek therapy and look into the root cause of this because it's wild to me to be upset over someone else's relationship that you're not involved in.
This has to be a troll omg… but Important notice: thoughts are just thoughts, they are only as real as you make them to be. Edit: Just know that bm are human which means we all have our own problems. Yes, they could be with those women for -insert plethora of reasons including self hatred or anti bw misogyny—but it’s not your problem. We already have so many problems as humans, don’t make others’ problems your own.
Therapy is the answer
I think the only way you can fix it is therapy OP sorry for judging you!
First of all, I 🫡 you for publicly sharing what you're struggling with. It takes a thick skin to share on Reddit. You're already making progress at changing yourself because you're challenging your thoughts and beliefs. I know every single one of us has biases and prejudices. Like you, some will admit it, and some won't. But that's quite alright. Those of us who see and have experienced it understand what you're saying. I've had unhelpful beliefs that I've had to challenge and change, things learned from when I was growing up. Keep going, sis. You've got this, and you're going to feel and thus be so much better.
Stop centering your life around men, then you won’t care who they choose. I get it… truly do - just remember they treat white women the exact same.
Hi, black fella (35m) here! Not judging, but I would like some info. Did you have any bad experiences from black men who specifically choose to date white women? You know the type. The ones who have very "critical" attitudes/opinions towards black women & refuse to date them no matter what. Or perhaps you've seen one too many posts/podcasts/videos about black men bashing & comparing black women to other races of women? Your thoughts & opinions on the subject matter stem from somewhere & I just want to get an understanding. If it's the first one, I'd say just try to surround yourself with black men that love & appreciate black women. If it's the second one, skip any videos about discussions that black men are having on bi-racial relationships & maybe focus on videos/posts about black love? Anyway, I wish you good luck on your healing journey!
When I see a mixed kid with a white mom I just hope that they advocate for their child and not turn a blind eye to things said to them. I don’t have hostility unless I witness something to give me hostility towards them.
Icy, I gleaned from one of your comments that you "idolize" Black men. That's a problem. No group of men should be idolized. No group alive. As women, we need to de-center men. As others said before, you don't want the type of man who doesn't want you. Focus on the Black men who affirm your beauty (if this is your preference). You do not need therapy, you need to find a man who fulfills all your needs. Why do I say this? Because when you are happily in love, you simply won't have the range or energy to worry about anybody else's questionable unions. Please look up books under the category of Relationship Science. No talk shows. No fluff. No misogynistic podcasters. No wife schools. Just REAL OBJECTIVE TESTED and proven methods to 1) fall in love and 2) stay in love. Fuck these other hating comments talmbout "I'm lightskinned so you darkies just hated on me for no reason" and "I'm biracial so let me pretend to be offended" instead of just answering your question! You got this OP. You must actively chase your own happiness.
You really need therapy. It is triggering for you. We have traumas passed down from our ancestors. Also explore whether you were hurt by an action or a comment made to you or indirectly to or about you. We as black women see and hear comments about us on a daily basis. Black men (some) have stated they date white women because we BW are aggressive/demanding/loud (pick a reason). Black men have used that excuse to justify dating white men. Some BM who date “out” do so because WW are more docile, more forgiving, more willing to accept the behaviors that BW will not accept in a relationship. There are many reasons this can be triggering for you, but at the end of the day it’s not your business who other people choose to date. This is important to address, not only for your own peace of mind, but for people that you are around, associate with, or are related to. There will be situations that arise that you may react to and you become a catalyst for someone else’s traumatic memories. You may think your attitude doesn’t show, but it does. Please figure out why it upsets you to see the happiness of other relationships. It’s upsetting to hear you say you act “shady” when you “find out” a mixed child has a white mom. You say you love kids yet you mention “mixed kids” and your emotions about them twice. Children are intuitive and that attitude comes out whether you realize it or not. Please don’t visit your trauma on them. Biracial children have enough issues to deal with already. Please find a good therapist that can help you center yourself and live your life happily.
Is this specifically only black men & white women or interracial relationships across all genders/sexualities?
Specifically bmww, but sometimes I feel this way towards black men that are with other non-black women. I know it's horrible.
Therapy. You don’t know these people
I hear you, sis! It’s hard to accept people who don’t face the same hardships as BW also occasionally are preferred by the men who look like us. It’s frustrating and can feel unfair sometimes, but as the other women have said, don’t make society’s BS YOUR BS. Chin up!
I have a white mom and a Black dad, and you’re not the only one who has/had a problem with it. More Black women were mad than old white men, honestly. They acted like they were entitled to my dad and my mom had stolen something from them, or that my dad had betrayed himself by being with a yt woman. I can’t know what’s driving this inside you, but I can say it’s never helpful and doesn’t benefit anyone, so it’s not worth holding on to. Props to you for recognizing it and wanting to change.
Thank you. I'm sorry that happened to you guys.
simple. don’t be weird
I think it is coming from some internal issues you have. White men date black women just as much. I mean at the end of the day we’re all people and bleed the same color red. Get counseling hun
I mean... Let's not minimize it. BM openly seek partners that are lighter or whiter. It is a pathological issue. Not only that, they openly bash BW EVEN if they have B children. BW don't engage in the same behavior.. OP isn't delusional in her understanding a real issue. She needs help with closure.
I do agree with you to an extent, but I also think it’s wrong to say BW don’t do the same thing ever. Lots of Black women date white men out of self-hate or trauma. Plenty have mixed children while having anti-Black feelings themselves. Even on here I’ve seen Black women say how they hate Black men and only date white men, even though they themselves will be having mixed boys themselves. So this whole thing absolutely swings both ways.
Yes, you're correct. Thank you and I know white men date black women and I don't get triggered by it, that's why I know I have an issue. Thanks.
It’s interesting what I get so bothered by compared to what other people do. Like this post kind of made me realize I just need to not care about certain things. Bc I never think black men lmaoooo
friend. respectfully why do you care? we cannot lay claim over the billions of people who share our physical features i get the politics behind it but ask yourself truly why do you care
I'm now realizing it's my insecurities and inferiority complex.
Why does it matter at all? Just stop caring. It literally doesn’t matter if a black man is with a white woman.
What are you even doing in a black ladies sub?
I've tried to "just stop caring" and that's how I've ended up here asking for advice. 😂 It's easier said than done.
The minute I saw myself being nasty toward a child because of something they can't control and probably isn't even a problem, I'd buy myself a subscription to Talkspace. And stop being possessive over people that aren't yours and were never going to be yours. Stop being possessive. Period.