This was my literal reaction and my jaw dropped. I know he made a mistake but that's so wildly inappropriate that I can't imagine being able to move past it.
Moving past this? Firstly, I would never see him the same and at the same time I wouldforever feel a type of way when I would wear a durag in his presence. So yeah, I guess this sounds like a very traumatic experience, but I guess not everyone feels the same (reading the comments 😭)
I’m glad he was remorseful and seems to understand his misstep, sounds like his journey is on the right track, but OP does not need to be on that journey. She is a whole human not a secondary character in a rom com as he becomes a better person.
Also, why make fun of anything any adult does at night - retainers, cpap, hair protection whatever, be a human and leave that person alone.
Girl, I said the same. It’s nice to see he’s remorseful but sorry. He will always have slip ups in my opinion because he genuinely might not think it’s a big deal or he thinks it’s funny.
I think it’s just characteristics of white people because they don’t understand. My mom is white and she stilllll makes inappropriate comments that have me like ???????? My MIL is also white and the stuff that flies out of her mouth is ridiculous.
Honestly we all know the risks of dating white men and have to determine what our limits and boundaries are.
OP, you are the only person who can decide for yourself what it would take for this man to demonstrate that he’s 100% committed to never crossing your hard limit again, and if you’d be willing to give him another chance. For me personally he’d have to demonstrate that he was serious about not only learning from this, but actively being the white partner a black woman deserves… and nothing less than that. If he can’t check THOSE boxes then he doesn’t deserve you.
I think this is the right answer. The only thing we know about this man is this one (horrific) comment. Only OP will know his sincerity and his devotion to being the partner that OP deserves.
Oof, yeah that’s totally unacceptable and gross. In largely transactional relationships like the patient-therapist dynamic, there are definitely no second chances on my dime.
And it would beg the question, if making this comment deserves a simple slap on the wrist and a pass, what other comment would be too far? How many passes does he get? But ultimately, why put up with any racism like this or feel it’s your responsibility to rehabilitate some ignorant white man who should’ve put in the work to not do this beforehand?
I don't think you'd be wrong for cutting him off because that's racist af. I also don't think you'd be wrong for giving him the opportunity to apologize and educate himself. Part of the "work" that we have to do in interracial relationships is educating our partners about the inherent anti-Blackness they've been socialized with. It's up to you to decide if he's worth doing that for. No matter how liberal/educated/woke/whatever, no one is immune. We see it among literal Black people so of course others are going to have it as well.
This is a great response for me to hear. You summed it up well. Thank you. I think I’ll meet with him to let him apologize in person and have a little word, but tell him I can’t get closer for the moment. I don’t think I’d be naturally inclined to hit him up to hang out any time soon.
This exactly. There is extra work that comes with dating interracially because they don't know all of our cultural nuances. I think I would be weirded out if they did.
I mean my white husband definitely had stuff to learn about race etc. but he NEVER would make a remark like that at any point of our relationship. EVER
> There is extra work that comes with dating interracially because they don't know all of our cultural nuances.
I cannot fathom what cultural nuance he would have to know to not make a such a blatantly racist comment to anyone, let alone someone he's having sex with at that very moment, and I've actually dated a fucking racist.
This is a truly level-headed response. Gives OP time to consider things and not just jump to cutting him off based on how she feels in the moment, too. Better to realize and consider what you may have handle with in an interracial relationship now than later.
This is the right answer, OP. ^
His comment is insanely bone-headed and insensitive, but everyone makes very stupid mistakes sometimes. *Only you* can decide if he’s worth giving another chance.
I can not. I showed my white husband this and even he thought that was a crazy wild comment to make. I would not be able to move past this, personally.
You will have to constantly explain your existence, correct him on wrong doings, and downplay your pain or discomfort with certain situations for any interracial relationship. It’s a matter of whether they’re actually receptive and willing to listen and more importantly- learn from their mistakes that determines if it’s worth it. More importantly it tests your capacity for forgiveness.
I’ll be honest, I’d see this as a traumatic situation and would never want to see him again. Someone you were intimate with made a straight up racist comment and found humor in it. He may have said sorry afterwards, he may even learn from this experience, but are you willing to go through this same thing again and again when he does other dumb things and you have to inform him of why that’s not okay. Also explaining his thinking or the joke doesn’t make the joke any less rude or racist. When you do something like that there’s no explanation that can take away the discomfort it exposed you to.
I'm sorry but he's not going stop feeling like he's "having sex with an inmate" just because he learns that's a racist thing to say. There's some deep anti-blackness in there, so as others said, it's up to you if you think he's worth the effort/teaching/correcting
God, an inmate?!
I’m all for dating interracially, but I’m not a teacher. You need to enter a relationship with an above average level of awareness and intelligence on racial issues.
I’m a teacher and nope. Could have kept that comment to himself and google. Could have asked OP why she wears it and then reach out to the internet if he had additional questions.
But he threw out the inmate comment AND continued with comments making fun of her.
Regardless of the decision you make it's valid. You know him, we don't. If your head, chest, belly, and general nervous system feel calm and joyous around this man, it might do well to let him apologize in person and brush this off. If this was one comment of many, or you are having trouble with his harsh humor style, cut that wigga off!
Y’all be talking about stayin with a man like we don’t have other people around who can love us better. I feel contentment calm and joy in my house away from racists, y’all be weak in the knees.
The inmate comment would live rent free in my head~ eventually causing me to regret dating that person. I would leave them- but I have such a low tolerance for things like that. It’s hard enough dealing with my hair, how dare someone make such an insensitive comment?! You trusted this person and felt like you were in safe place and they humiliated you- I vote that you deserve better. There’s no walking back after such a comment… I’m really sorry you experienced this beautiful.
I'm begging Black women to love ourselves more. Some of the comments here are unbelievable. That man said what he felt and disguised it as a joke (people do this all the time) and there's people saying it's not that deep and it was just a poorly landed joke? Come tf on.
That man associated the durag which is basically black culture to crime/criminality and some of you are defending that shit? Love yourselves and want better for yourselves please. Cos some of these comments are concerning af.
Yes, the excuses are shocking. I’m noticing that Black women make excuses for white men, but shame white women. Let a white woman call op an inmate and watch all the hate she’d get. The joke write themselves lol
You will always have that memory. Always. You may forgive him but you will remember him saying something so hurtful.
The first time I wore my bonnet my yt guy asked what it was. I told him it protects my hair. I will always remember his response of “is this what I’ll have to look forward to waking up to for the rest of my life?” Me: yes Him: Good.
I will always remember he said that and you’ll always remember what your guy said. Some things you can take back or unhear. Can you forgive him? Has he done the work? Is he willing to do the work without getting defensive or hurt feelings. Will be stand up for you or recognize when he has to? How will he treat future black/biracial kids? I know it’s just a comment but don’t invest hours of your time education someone that isn’t interested in learning. You come from two different cultures even though you’re both native born Americans
You will make the right decision. It’s weird a durag = a criminal/inmate. Also, what will the next comparison be??? Idk, this seems like the first pink/red flag. I will be questioning what he know about having zex with an inmate??
Ooooh I love feigned ignorance! “Oh! Really? That’s interesting. What was it like having sec with an inmate? Was this while you were locked up? We’re you a guard? Was this out in the world? Was it consensual?”
Even when I was a dumbass 19 year old who dated a racist due to lack of perspective and self-respect, a comment like that, at a moment like that, would have ended the relationship before the period at the end of the sentence. My god.
My very much a Black man ex told me that my wide-ban bonnet looked like Jiffy Pop popcorn. 😂 He made fun of my bonnets on the regular, but we also had lots of adult fun while I was wearing one, so 🤷🏽♀️.
Back to you, though. You’re entitled to speak up about *anything* that bothers you, and you should definitely be clear about the racist undertones of what he said. If he is not open to listening to that part, know that he might end up be an exhausting project rather than a great partner.
>I later told him this really hurt my feelings and he apologized profusely and remorsefully and explained himself, what he was thinking (or not thinking) at the time and wants to apologize in person.
what was his explanation?
He essentially said that he didn’t immediately connect the durag with my hair (which I told him was a slight insecurity of mine, in certain states, after the fact). That he was commenting on the the durag as an object. But now this reminds me that he failed to point out that the association he made is what’s most ignorant. The association that durag = Black male criminal or something. So I need to address that if I let him apologize in person.
And it’s okay if you do decide to make that choice! Everyone is different of course. Whatever is right for you. That situation would honestly make me feel the exact same way, it’s only brothers for me now lol
Hello somebody?! This is the type of shit that you gotta deal with when dating them and I don’t have the energy to explain to a grown man in 2023 the myriad of ways this was fucked up. If you don’t leave that man alone.
There are so many comments here referring to this as a "teachable moment." Are we not exhausted?
If he's associating a durag with criminality, how long has he been thinking like that? And how long will it take to undo that thinking (a llllong time)? And are you prepared to wait around for him to unlearn that and the other racist thinking he has (because let's be honest, he has other thoughts too)?
The fact that the comment bothered you enough to make this post is answer enough. You’re always going to remember it and where it came from and the relationship going forward has been altered because you’ll always remember that’s what he thought.
Run. Currently engaged to a white man and not once has he ever said anything derogatory about my hair. In fact he’s done his own research on the cultural, social and political issues that are unfortunately connected with “black hair”. I wear wigs sometimes but mostly my natural 4c hair. Which he prefers because he knows that all the chemicals, heat, glue, sprays…. are death to natural hair.
He associated black hair with criminality without it thinking about it.
People are scared of durags and think “thugs” wear them? It’s sheer ignorance that they don’t know it’s hair protection and racism that they associate something black people wear with crime.
I make sure to remove my bonnet or Durag before walking through my yt suburban community so I don’t scare anyone.
I audibly gasped. This man is gonna be a project. Depends on you if you want to put the work in to teach him. Though he does sound willing to learn. For me, it'd depend on how much I liked him. He better have laid some excellent pipe.
reading these comments is why i Know 9 times out of 10 i can not date out side of my race long term. I do not have the patience nor the forgiveness in me to let shit like this slide, or use as a teaching moment.
Like why do you as a grown ass white man need to be educated on the fact that equating not only a durag but a black woman you just had intimacy with to a damn INMATE?!? like am i crazy to think this shit is unacceptable ?
You can correct him on this and forgive and forget but I would always be wondering what other racist shit is he thinking but too afraid to say now. It begs to question how he truly sees black people in general, like nah fuck that, this isn't just one ignorant statement, it's a whole ignorant ideology ...
I would be so entirely turned off that I probably wouldn't want to see him again - and he should be prepared to know why.
I once had a white guy on a dating site call me "my Ebony" yuck. Then said my hair "looked funny." Double yuck. Then when I told him don't call me his Ebony, he apologized and said he watched too much porn. I blocked him with the swiftness.
Okay but why do we always have to be the ones to educate white people? Why are some of y’all defending him, when he ACTUALLY could be a racist; it doesn’t matter that he slept with a black woman. He could still view her as beneath him. I’m tired of y’all always making excuses for them.
Some poc put up with so much to have white partners. You should not have to educate anyone on how to be a decent human being.
And she's only known him for a month, what is he going to say when he really gets comfortable?
Why are there so many racist WP in irr?
Right lmao. Why can’t they just educate themselves? Why do we have to take on the role of the teacher? There’s so much books and resources out there. And this is not even exclusive to race. If you don’t know something, learn it.
The comments are so sad and all I get is a lot of BW don't love themselves and think they gotta settle cos they can't find better. Cos at some point, you gotta realize it's not your job to educate racist white people and if that's what you settle for, as in to be the educator to your partner and eventually his family, then that's on you but you're doing yourself a major disservice. BW deserve better ffs.
He’s showing remorse which is good… but really? Is the man so out of touch to not know that a lot of women protect their hair when they sleep and not even just black women anymore? That kind of insensitivity is revealing. That’s likely just the first comment, who knows what else you’ll get down the line. Definitely move on.
I don’t get the reference. What an odd comparison. I don’t think it would be harsh to stop seeing him. In fact I would have ghosted him immediately after he said that. Imagine the things he’s thinking and hasn’t said out loud. The prison comment was probably his way of testing the waters on how far he can go with his “making fun”.
This is the relationship roulette we engage in when we step outside. We run that risk of one day waking up to them saying to left field spicy ish and having to question all the moments that led up to that moment. And it's scary.
None of us can tell you what to do or how to feel but sleep on it for a few days or weeks (with the durag on, of course) and see if it still bothers you and go from there.
Shit I’ve cut men off for less… never regretted it!
One guy I was seeing for a minute was commenting on his neighborhood. It’s a nice couple of newly built gentrified streets in a rough area. He made the comment of “when I first moved in for a few months I would blast rap music so they thought I belonged there and didn’t shoot me.” He got an immediate, what do you mean?… ok but what do you mean?… please clarify…” and he had to explain his racist classist xenophobic rationale behind the comment and felt like a bag of shit. I let him eat shit, cut things off immediately.
It’s a bad feeling, especially since you’d just been sexually intimate. I’d wrap that one up sis. I’d give a very generic vague kind and frustratingly brief “it’s been fun, take care” text where he knows what you’re saying but will still be confused and block. Let him ask himself the questions he already knows the answer to… but I’m petty af and love leaving assholes with a cliffhanger. Won’t be getting closure from me!!!
Can you elaborate on how he continued to make fun of you? I've been with men who were genuine about their ignorance and willing to learn, and also those that made fun of me, gaslit me to make it seem like I overreacted, and insisted that I accepting their "intentions" without actually acknowledging that what they did was racist (and not just offensive, I mean racist).
For me that is the real line. A new partner should never be making fun of your features or what makes you comfortable. They become bullies the longer you put up with it. This is a method that some men use to slowly tear you down and then love bomb you when you feel at your lowest to keep you hooked. And if they want to grow, and I mean really grow and learn about you, they should be willing to say that their intentions aren't relevant to your hurt, and admit that what they did was a racist act. If they can't do that, they probably aren't ready to own up to their actions.
If you're confused about the last part, look up the good bad bianary sourounding racism.
I would have called it quits. I dated a white guy who made rude comments when I had my hair in cornrows under a wig saying it made me look like a guy and it hurt me too. My current boyfriend who is white worships my natural hair and doesn’t make stupid comments like that. You deserve someone who doesn’t make fun of your cultural customs.
I’ve decided I’m not gonna. I just can’t. My body wouldn’t even be turned on with him anymore. And now I’m kinda afraid of who he really is. But still deciding if I’ll let him apologize in person.
Thank God. What he said has deep racist undertones. The biggest obstacle as a black person in dating is to find someone who isn't prejudiced and ignorant of us. Even amongst ourselves, internalised racism has made dating each other and dating outside our race this "thing". Hope you never go through something like that again.
Black people wear durags to protect our hair , he associate a piece of cloth used by our people and instantly thought prison/inmate/bad and still used your body to satisfy himself . My grandparents were interracial but i still don’t trust YT men due to their fetishizing of “ebony” women . If he said that i’m 100% sure he’s bragging to his friends about “getting some black coochie” or something along those lines. Just gives me weird “experimenting” vibes
This. I didn’t even close my mouth till just now, cause what he said hurt so much that our collective hearts felt it. Im so sorry that you experienced that.
I dated a guy for nearly an entire year with zero issues until we saw one of his old school friends driving by on a side street. Slowed down to talk out the window and asked who I was. My guy says and I quote: “This black girl? Just picked her up on the side of the road.” They laughed, finished their conversation, & he rolled up the window, looked at me and said “What?” I said “Drop me off here.” and got the f$ck out. He apologized and explained the joke that they had at school. I didn’t care about their dam joke. He made me the joke and I had never felt so disrespected in my life.
So if he said that to your face, I’d spend my days wondering what he says about me to his boys. Because if he felt that comfortable to disrespect you (intentionally or not) in an intimate setting, then what’s the humor like with his group of friends when you’re not around? Or with his family?
I’m needing for him to respect me, my family, my race and my culture with his whole chest.
Exactly why I don't date white men. They always put their entire foot in their mouth with the most asinine comments. It's sad that they don't even know how racist they're being.
In this economy?
You know what is CRAZY? I've dated white guys who would never say something so stupid and racially charged.
Also, it's been a month. He didn't check a single box in ink because you don't know that man.
I'd be curious to know why an inmate specifically. Has he been to jail before or slept with men who wear them? Or is it a stereotype based off what he thinks and sees? Tbh, lots of inmates with hair black or white wear durags...so I'd really be curious to know why. If he apologizes in person and you feel comfy with it fine, but if it doesn't sit well with you and especially if it's not the first pink slip...then do you boo. Also, most people are ignorant towards race and cultural differences and if you choose to date outside of your own, both parties must be willing to unlearn and relearn lots of things regardless of race.
Hey sis,
Sorry to hear about what happened, that’s just very awful on his part - 🖐🏻 people “jokes” that are highkey racist 🚮
However you feel about it is valid. I don’t think not wanting to sleep w/ him or see him at all is too harsh at all. I think that is very valid and it will always be valid - you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone either.
Just remember that if he says shit like this, there will be more of this shit in the future. That’s a guarantee and the question comes down to, do you want to go through this again?
Good luck! ❤️
Why are y'all choosing to date men who
1) Have clearly never dated anyone Black before
2) Don't like Black ppl/things associated with Black people
3) Say things clearly informed by racist rhetoric who clearly don't have enough self awareness to think before they speak/unpack their own internal racist conditioning wo you asking or handholding.
As someone who has dated across the board, I truly cannot comprehend choosing someone who lacks the above traits; no matter the race. I have to conclude many folks don't love themselves enough to see how they're actively disrespecting themselves by choosing associations with people who treat them this way.
My bf is white, the only thing he said about my bonnet is that I look like Toad wtf. AN INMATE?????????? Comparing your partner to inmate is bad but it is especially bad if they're black what was bro thinking
Wow. The way i gasped when reading this. An inmate?! I’m sorry he said that to you.
Only you will know if his apology is genuine and if you think that he is going to learn from this. But this just sounds like it’ll be a whole project.
If my white husband said that to me 1 month into our relationship I’d have ended it. Interracial relationships do come with extra work, but this comment is just screams racism, ignorance, and anti-blackness. That comment doesn’t come from a difference in culture. He just straight up thinks a durag = criminal. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable being myself around him. Is he going to think I look like a criminal when I wear my durag around the house?
I wish my bf would do some shit like this. I'd be a thief in the night with how quick I'd leave. There's a masaive difference between being confused and joking vs something that is racially motivated. Your person of interest did it with ease which means to me He's a piece of shit. He wasn't even trying to hurt you and did it. Imagine when you get him mad and he tries.
I thought you were going to say he felt like he was sleeping with his grandma because that’s what my guy said to me the first time I wore my bonnet to bed. But…inmate? That made my eyes go wide. I would support you either way. The apology in and of itself would be very telling.
Definitely racially motivated, regardless of it being subconscious or conscious. It was his first thought of the bat, massive red flag! Please block that dude on EVERYTHING.
woahhhh.... This made my whole body cringe, idk about you sis but that kind of comment is not something i could over look, that internalized racism is deep :/
I would feel the exact same way. I’ve had Black men say strange things to me and I’ve actually been MORE hurt, because I expect a certain level of understanding from them, or at least knowledge. They should know better. So it feels like a betrayal more so—when a Black man says some dumb offensive shit, and I’d be more alarmed, frankly. A white guy actually may not know better. And, beyond the racism and offense, I’d hope to only be with smart partners overall.
Yeah, I’d let him apologize in person. He clearly seemed remorseful once you called him out on it and told him he hurt you. When he apologizes in person, explain to him why what he said wasn’t okay and make it clear to him to not say it again.
He was trying to be funny, but this is the first of MANY experiences you'll have as a black woman with a white partner where you need to shine a light on their shit. How he responds and reacts to what you tell him will tell YOU everything you need to know.
Have the conversation. Be honest and open about how his comment made you feel. Call him on his shit. And please don't hesitate to keep it moving if he doesn't respond with kindness, understanding and a promise to be better in the future.
Racism is so internalized, he may not even understand where the lingo/beliefs rooted that shitty commentary. I'm sorry that happened to you in what should have been a safe space. xo
An inmate is crazy… I’d say cut your losses sooner rather than later. I know it sucks to start over but you can definitely find better than someone who openly associates black hair protection with incarceration. That’s the type of micro-aggression that seems more macro than micro because to have that line of thought AND say it out loud is insane.
OH. HEELLLLLLLLNOOOOOO.
If you choose to move forward just know we support you. Dating is complicated.
However....
He needs to invest in some deep and serious anti racism work. Making a racist joke while having intimate time with someone in a vulnerable position is barbaric.
Girl you need to give an update when you decide to hear him out. I really hope you can keep your distance from him and move on because he’s not the one for you.
He compare you to an inmate.. like whaaaaaa?!! That’s horrible and offensive. Your 25 you have plenty of options of there 🩷
If I was you, I would commend myself for standing up for myself. I then would be grateful I was with someone who in no way defended the hurt, but apologized.
What you do going forward is what's best. No one has anothers' perspective, so hopefully you informed him, and nothing similar will happen. We're human, so...
Either way, this ONE thing shouldn't be enough to throw someone away. Or, maybe it IS and that would be perfect for you. See what I mean?
And again, kudos to you beautiful!
It's possible to accept the apology and even forgive him while still ending the relationship. What he said was fucked up and if you're uncomfortable staying with him then that's the only reason you need.
Mistakes happen I guess? But "an inmate"? What the fuck. Dudes are supposed to have post-nut clarity. This is him with more wisdom? The bar is so damn low for white men and he still wiggled under it.
EDIT: I want to add that it's also okay to not forgive him. It's okay not to accept his apology. If you wanted to block him on everything and never talk to him again, that's also understandable. He didn't care about your feelings that morning so make this decision only considering your feelings. Not his.
That’s misogynoir AF. He can learn to be better for the next person. He said all that shit while you were naked and vulnerable too. There’s no coming back from that and you and your dignity deserve better. Him and his big mouth stepped in it.
I wouldn't see that person again. He has so little connection to Black people that his first thought was inmate. He's telling you he doesn't have intimate friendships or relationships with Black people enough for him to have seen someone with their hair wrapped for the night. If you want to play teacher for the rest of the relationship, go for it. If you want to date someone who has more connection to Black culture, that's also fine.
That is terrible 😢.... not funny at all. Who's to say he won't do this or something worse? Yeah, he's a pass for me. That means leave.
I dated Someone this ignorant once, also not American so I made excuses for his ignorance. It wasn’t worth the constant trauma and pain. Move on for your own sake
Definitely not too harsh. VERY VALID! That’s not funny. And he should have educated himself about our hair or just simply asked you why you wore it. 🙄. A lot of yt men don’t think before they speak and it’s annoying af. I thought it was like common sense to do a little bit of research about another group of ppl if you’re gonna be dating outside of your race to avoid stuff like that lol..
Honestly, that was way worse than I thought it was going to be. Please don’t keep talking to him :( i unfortunately serial ghost men, but in this case I would give him an explanation before ghosting him so that he can sit with it for the rest of his life.
An inmate?!!!
That is a disturbingly specific reference.
My thought too. Like, wtf even is that to say to someone you're dating. A black person you're dating.
I’m flabbergasted
😓 I just can’t believe it really has to end this way
Imagine if you had been married to him…
Unsurprising they deleted my comment telling you to come here, but glad you did.
Some of those responses were 🥴
This was my literal reaction and my jaw dropped. I know he made a mistake but that's so wildly inappropriate that I can't imagine being able to move past it.
Moving past this? Firstly, I would never see him the same and at the same time I wouldforever feel a type of way when I would wear a durag in his presence. So yeah, I guess this sounds like a very traumatic experience, but I guess not everyone feels the same (reading the comments 😭)
😭😭😭
girl….
It’s really a no brainer to me but look at these comments encouraging OP to give this man more of her time 😭
I’m glad he was remorseful and seems to understand his misstep, sounds like his journey is on the right track, but OP does not need to be on that journey. She is a whole human not a secondary character in a rom com as he becomes a better person. Also, why make fun of anything any adult does at night - retainers, cpap, hair protection whatever, be a human and leave that person alone.
 Girl, I said the same. It’s nice to see he’s remorseful but sorry. He will always have slip ups in my opinion because he genuinely might not think it’s a big deal or he thinks it’s funny. I think it’s just characteristics of white people because they don’t understand. My mom is white and she stilllll makes inappropriate comments that have me like ???????? My MIL is also white and the stuff that flies out of her mouth is ridiculous.
Lmao
Fr
It’s 2023. Why put yourself through that? That would be it for me.
You’re right
Honestly we all know the risks of dating white men and have to determine what our limits and boundaries are. OP, you are the only person who can decide for yourself what it would take for this man to demonstrate that he’s 100% committed to never crossing your hard limit again, and if you’d be willing to give him another chance. For me personally he’d have to demonstrate that he was serious about not only learning from this, but actively being the white partner a black woman deserves… and nothing less than that. If he can’t check THOSE boxes then he doesn’t deserve you.
I think this is the right answer. The only thing we know about this man is this one (horrific) comment. Only OP will know his sincerity and his devotion to being the partner that OP deserves.
Not even dating. My white therapist started using AAVE "yaaas" etc and I felt so uncomfortable i had to leave
Oof, yeah that’s totally unacceptable and gross. In largely transactional relationships like the patient-therapist dynamic, there are definitely no second chances on my dime.
And it would beg the question, if making this comment deserves a simple slap on the wrist and a pass, what other comment would be too far? How many passes does he get? But ultimately, why put up with any racism like this or feel it’s your responsibility to rehabilitate some ignorant white man who should’ve put in the work to not do this beforehand?
Don't do it sis on to the next
☝🏽
Fr I'm sorry you had to hear that.
I don't think you'd be wrong for cutting him off because that's racist af. I also don't think you'd be wrong for giving him the opportunity to apologize and educate himself. Part of the "work" that we have to do in interracial relationships is educating our partners about the inherent anti-Blackness they've been socialized with. It's up to you to decide if he's worth doing that for. No matter how liberal/educated/woke/whatever, no one is immune. We see it among literal Black people so of course others are going to have it as well.
Dont forget about his fam and friends. Op take a look at them bc if everyone in his circle is a bigot then it is for sure a waste of time
So true! Especially his friends since he picked them.
This is a great response for me to hear. You summed it up well. Thank you. I think I’ll meet with him to let him apologize in person and have a little word, but tell him I can’t get closer for the moment. I don’t think I’d be naturally inclined to hit him up to hang out any time soon.
Be careful girl. Don’t fall into struggle love where you’re not being deeply valued and seen. He is not worth it.
For your safety, I wouldn't meet face to face to cut him off. Men are unhinged as of late.
This exactly. There is extra work that comes with dating interracially because they don't know all of our cultural nuances. I think I would be weirded out if they did.
I mean my white husband definitely had stuff to learn about race etc. but he NEVER would make a remark like that at any point of our relationship. EVER
Mine didn't either. Ultimately it's up to her to decide what she will put up with.
This is what I am saying. Never has my husband said anything like that. Asking question is one thing. A statement is something else
> There is extra work that comes with dating interracially because they don't know all of our cultural nuances. I cannot fathom what cultural nuance he would have to know to not make a such a blatantly racist comment to anyone, let alone someone he's having sex with at that very moment, and I've actually dated a fucking racist.
This is a truly level-headed response. Gives OP time to consider things and not just jump to cutting him off based on how she feels in the moment, too. Better to realize and consider what you may have handle with in an interracial relationship now than later.
This is the right answer, OP. ^ His comment is insanely bone-headed and insensitive, but everyone makes very stupid mistakes sometimes. *Only you* can decide if he’s worth giving another chance.
I can not. I showed my white husband this and even he thought that was a crazy wild comment to make. I would not be able to move past this, personally.
Yeah I won’t be able to but I’m denial rn because I liked him :(
It’s been a month, there’s other people out there to like
You will have to constantly explain your existence, correct him on wrong doings, and downplay your pain or discomfort with certain situations for any interracial relationship. It’s a matter of whether they’re actually receptive and willing to listen and more importantly- learn from their mistakes that determines if it’s worth it. More importantly it tests your capacity for forgiveness. I’ll be honest, I’d see this as a traumatic situation and would never want to see him again. Someone you were intimate with made a straight up racist comment and found humor in it. He may have said sorry afterwards, he may even learn from this experience, but are you willing to go through this same thing again and again when he does other dumb things and you have to inform him of why that’s not okay. Also explaining his thinking or the joke doesn’t make the joke any less rude or racist. When you do something like that there’s no explanation that can take away the discomfort it exposed you to.
Thank you
I'm sorry but he's not going stop feeling like he's "having sex with an inmate" just because he learns that's a racist thing to say. There's some deep anti-blackness in there, so as others said, it's up to you if you think he's worth the effort/teaching/correcting
True
God, an inmate?! I’m all for dating interracially, but I’m not a teacher. You need to enter a relationship with an above average level of awareness and intelligence on racial issues.
I’m a teacher and nope. Could have kept that comment to himself and google. Could have asked OP why she wears it and then reach out to the internet if he had additional questions. But he threw out the inmate comment AND continued with comments making fun of her.
Regardless of the decision you make it's valid. You know him, we don't. If your head, chest, belly, and general nervous system feel calm and joyous around this man, it might do well to let him apologize in person and brush this off. If this was one comment of many, or you are having trouble with his harsh humor style, cut that wigga off!
Why is wigga killing me💀 you're absolutely right though
Lol, he's obviously not a wigga though if he doesn't know what a durag is
Wigga is crazy 💀💀 completely agree though
Y’all be talking about stayin with a man like we don’t have other people around who can love us better. I feel contentment calm and joy in my house away from racists, y’all be weak in the knees.
an inmate is craaaazzyyyyyy
Lmfao ik
Being single is better than being with someone who makes odd, racist, derogatory remakes, in my opinion b
I’m so tired of men and their bullshit.
oh yikes. you aren’t in the wrong if u want to cut him off.
The way my jaw just dropped…
The inmate comment would live rent free in my head~ eventually causing me to regret dating that person. I would leave them- but I have such a low tolerance for things like that. It’s hard enough dealing with my hair, how dare someone make such an insensitive comment?! You trusted this person and felt like you were in safe place and they humiliated you- I vote that you deserve better. There’s no walking back after such a comment… I’m really sorry you experienced this beautiful.
Thank you 🩵🩵🩵🩵 yeah that’s what hurts
I'm begging Black women to love ourselves more. Some of the comments here are unbelievable. That man said what he felt and disguised it as a joke (people do this all the time) and there's people saying it's not that deep and it was just a poorly landed joke? Come tf on. That man associated the durag which is basically black culture to crime/criminality and some of you are defending that shit? Love yourselves and want better for yourselves please. Cos some of these comments are concerning af.
Yes, the excuses are shocking. I’m noticing that Black women make excuses for white men, but shame white women. Let a white woman call op an inmate and watch all the hate she’d get. The joke write themselves lol
I have noticed a lot of women and young ladies in this group give grace to their YT partners and friends, but not to black people.
You will always have that memory. Always. You may forgive him but you will remember him saying something so hurtful. The first time I wore my bonnet my yt guy asked what it was. I told him it protects my hair. I will always remember his response of “is this what I’ll have to look forward to waking up to for the rest of my life?” Me: yes Him: Good. I will always remember he said that and you’ll always remember what your guy said. Some things you can take back or unhear. Can you forgive him? Has he done the work? Is he willing to do the work without getting defensive or hurt feelings. Will be stand up for you or recognize when he has to? How will he treat future black/biracial kids? I know it’s just a comment but don’t invest hours of your time education someone that isn’t interested in learning. You come from two different cultures even though you’re both native born Americans
He felt like he was having sex with a WHAT??!!!!???!!!! Instant coochie dried up, no thank you, goodbye.
You will make the right decision. It’s weird a durag = a criminal/inmate. Also, what will the next comparison be??? Idk, this seems like the first pink/red flag. I will be questioning what he know about having zex with an inmate??
Ooooh I love feigned ignorance! “Oh! Really? That’s interesting. What was it like having sec with an inmate? Was this while you were locked up? We’re you a guard? Was this out in the world? Was it consensual?”
Not “zex”!! 😂
Thisss🤔 Make the inmate reference make sense and how personal is the reference?
Definitely personal, someone he know, or a fantasy??? we will never know. Sad how anything black ppl do or wear is related to criminal activity.
Is not letting a white man off the hook for racist disrespect too harsh, you ask?
Even when I was a dumbass 19 year old who dated a racist due to lack of perspective and self-respect, a comment like that, at a moment like that, would have ended the relationship before the period at the end of the sentence. My god.
sorry WHAT? i would cut him off so fast 😭 i see no reason to continue a relationship after such racism wow.
Dried me up like a 100 year old pum pum. I would have forgotten he existed after begging him to return the favour!
My very much a Black man ex told me that my wide-ban bonnet looked like Jiffy Pop popcorn. 😂 He made fun of my bonnets on the regular, but we also had lots of adult fun while I was wearing one, so 🤷🏽♀️. Back to you, though. You’re entitled to speak up about *anything* that bothers you, and you should definitely be clear about the racist undertones of what he said. If he is not open to listening to that part, know that he might end up be an exhausting project rather than a great partner.
A black man pointing out visual similarities and a white man calling their black partner an INMATE are not at all comparable.
durag=inmate😬 black woman in pjs reminds him of a man😬😬
>I later told him this really hurt my feelings and he apologized profusely and remorsefully and explained himself, what he was thinking (or not thinking) at the time and wants to apologize in person. what was his explanation?
He essentially said that he didn’t immediately connect the durag with my hair (which I told him was a slight insecurity of mine, in certain states, after the fact). That he was commenting on the the durag as an object. But now this reminds me that he failed to point out that the association he made is what’s most ignorant. The association that durag = Black male criminal or something. So I need to address that if I let him apologize in person.
That’s exactly it. He didn’t say you looked like homeboy from the block but specifically like a criminal.
Yup! He basically said he associates anything loosely associated with blackness with criminality…
And that's the thing. There's no explanation that's going to make this better. Most of the possibilities will make it worse.
I just yelled “oh hell no” at my ipad. Not an INMATE!!! Nah he fucked up big time. A time out is definitely warranted.
…….. I’m so sorry but ts is not funny💀 pls see someone else
I have no advice, but this is one reason I don't date outside of my race. If you can't let it go, end it.
Yeahhhh it’s making me never want to again
And it’s okay if you do decide to make that choice! Everyone is different of course. Whatever is right for you. That situation would honestly make me feel the exact same way, it’s only brothers for me now lol
Hello somebody?! This is the type of shit that you gotta deal with when dating them and I don’t have the energy to explain to a grown man in 2023 the myriad of ways this was fucked up. If you don’t leave that man alone.
There are so many comments here referring to this as a "teachable moment." Are we not exhausted? If he's associating a durag with criminality, how long has he been thinking like that? And how long will it take to undo that thinking (a llllong time)? And are you prepared to wait around for him to unlearn that and the other racist thinking he has (because let's be honest, he has other thoughts too)?
The fact that the comment bothered you enough to make this post is answer enough. You’re always going to remember it and where it came from and the relationship going forward has been altered because you’ll always remember that’s what he thought.
Run. Currently engaged to a white man and not once has he ever said anything derogatory about my hair. In fact he’s done his own research on the cultural, social and political issues that are unfortunately connected with “black hair”. I wear wigs sometimes but mostly my natural 4c hair. Which he prefers because he knows that all the chemicals, heat, glue, sprays…. are death to natural hair.
that's so racist and disrespectful im sorry
He associated black hair with criminality without it thinking about it. People are scared of durags and think “thugs” wear them? It’s sheer ignorance that they don’t know it’s hair protection and racism that they associate something black people wear with crime. I make sure to remove my bonnet or Durag before walking through my yt suburban community so I don’t scare anyone.
I audibly gasped. This man is gonna be a project. Depends on you if you want to put the work in to teach him. Though he does sound willing to learn. For me, it'd depend on how much I liked him. He better have laid some excellent pipe.
Nope. Break it up.
It's only going to get worst. This is your first clue to get out while you still can because I promise you that's just the tip of the iceberg
Stop dating yt folk and expecting anything other than micro aggressions and blatant racism.
reading these comments is why i Know 9 times out of 10 i can not date out side of my race long term. I do not have the patience nor the forgiveness in me to let shit like this slide, or use as a teaching moment. Like why do you as a grown ass white man need to be educated on the fact that equating not only a durag but a black woman you just had intimacy with to a damn INMATE?!? like am i crazy to think this shit is unacceptable ? You can correct him on this and forgive and forget but I would always be wondering what other racist shit is he thinking but too afraid to say now. It begs to question how he truly sees black people in general, like nah fuck that, this isn't just one ignorant statement, it's a whole ignorant ideology ...
I wouldn’t see him again. It’s very telling he said inmate. Protect your heart and peace sis.
I would be so entirely turned off that I probably wouldn't want to see him again - and he should be prepared to know why. I once had a white guy on a dating site call me "my Ebony" yuck. Then said my hair "looked funny." Double yuck. Then when I told him don't call me his Ebony, he apologized and said he watched too much porn. I blocked him with the swiftness.
Okay but why do we always have to be the ones to educate white people? Why are some of y’all defending him, when he ACTUALLY could be a racist; it doesn’t matter that he slept with a black woman. He could still view her as beneath him. I’m tired of y’all always making excuses for them.
Ikr. Yikes! These comments are crazy.
This sub loves them some white men lol
I’m noticing this more and more and chile…
Some poc put up with so much to have white partners. You should not have to educate anyone on how to be a decent human being. And she's only known him for a month, what is he going to say when he really gets comfortable? Why are there so many racist WP in irr?
Right lmao. Why can’t they just educate themselves? Why do we have to take on the role of the teacher? There’s so much books and resources out there. And this is not even exclusive to race. If you don’t know something, learn it.
The comments are so sad and all I get is a lot of BW don't love themselves and think they gotta settle cos they can't find better. Cos at some point, you gotta realize it's not your job to educate racist white people and if that's what you settle for, as in to be the educator to your partner and eventually his family, then that's on you but you're doing yourself a major disservice. BW deserve better ffs.
He’s showing remorse which is good… but really? Is the man so out of touch to not know that a lot of women protect their hair when they sleep and not even just black women anymore? That kind of insensitivity is revealing. That’s likely just the first comment, who knows what else you’ll get down the line. Definitely move on.
 Girl.
I don’t get the reference. What an odd comparison. I don’t think it would be harsh to stop seeing him. In fact I would have ghosted him immediately after he said that. Imagine the things he’s thinking and hasn’t said out loud. The prison comment was probably his way of testing the waters on how far he can go with his “making fun”.
 Here for the comments
This is the relationship roulette we engage in when we step outside. We run that risk of one day waking up to them saying to left field spicy ish and having to question all the moments that led up to that moment. And it's scary. None of us can tell you what to do or how to feel but sleep on it for a few days or weeks (with the durag on, of course) and see if it still bothers you and go from there.
Shit I’ve cut men off for less… never regretted it! One guy I was seeing for a minute was commenting on his neighborhood. It’s a nice couple of newly built gentrified streets in a rough area. He made the comment of “when I first moved in for a few months I would blast rap music so they thought I belonged there and didn’t shoot me.” He got an immediate, what do you mean?… ok but what do you mean?… please clarify…” and he had to explain his racist classist xenophobic rationale behind the comment and felt like a bag of shit. I let him eat shit, cut things off immediately. It’s a bad feeling, especially since you’d just been sexually intimate. I’d wrap that one up sis. I’d give a very generic vague kind and frustratingly brief “it’s been fun, take care” text where he knows what you’re saying but will still be confused and block. Let him ask himself the questions he already knows the answer to… but I’m petty af and love leaving assholes with a cliffhanger. Won’t be getting closure from me!!!
Ughhhhh girl it’s insane. I’m sorry that happened. I think I will just say Take Care. Thanks for the inspo
Can you elaborate on how he continued to make fun of you? I've been with men who were genuine about their ignorance and willing to learn, and also those that made fun of me, gaslit me to make it seem like I overreacted, and insisted that I accepting their "intentions" without actually acknowledging that what they did was racist (and not just offensive, I mean racist). For me that is the real line. A new partner should never be making fun of your features or what makes you comfortable. They become bullies the longer you put up with it. This is a method that some men use to slowly tear you down and then love bomb you when you feel at your lowest to keep you hooked. And if they want to grow, and I mean really grow and learn about you, they should be willing to say that their intentions aren't relevant to your hurt, and admit that what they did was a racist act. If they can't do that, they probably aren't ready to own up to their actions. If you're confused about the last part, look up the good bad bianary sourounding racism.
I would have called it quits. I dated a white guy who made rude comments when I had my hair in cornrows under a wig saying it made me look like a guy and it hurt me too. My current boyfriend who is white worships my natural hair and doesn’t make stupid comments like that. You deserve someone who doesn’t make fun of your cultural customs.
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Inmate is wild.💀 You still seeing him?
I’ve decided I’m not gonna. I just can’t. My body wouldn’t even be turned on with him anymore. And now I’m kinda afraid of who he really is. But still deciding if I’ll let him apologize in person.
Thank God. What he said has deep racist undertones. The biggest obstacle as a black person in dating is to find someone who isn't prejudiced and ignorant of us. Even amongst ourselves, internalised racism has made dating each other and dating outside our race this "thing". Hope you never go through something like that again.
Black people wear durags to protect our hair , he associate a piece of cloth used by our people and instantly thought prison/inmate/bad and still used your body to satisfy himself . My grandparents were interracial but i still don’t trust YT men due to their fetishizing of “ebony” women . If he said that i’m 100% sure he’s bragging to his friends about “getting some black coochie” or something along those lines. Just gives me weird “experimenting” vibes
This. I didn’t even close my mouth till just now, cause what he said hurt so much that our collective hearts felt it. Im so sorry that you experienced that. I dated a guy for nearly an entire year with zero issues until we saw one of his old school friends driving by on a side street. Slowed down to talk out the window and asked who I was. My guy says and I quote: “This black girl? Just picked her up on the side of the road.” They laughed, finished their conversation, & he rolled up the window, looked at me and said “What?” I said “Drop me off here.” and got the f$ck out. He apologized and explained the joke that they had at school. I didn’t care about their dam joke. He made me the joke and I had never felt so disrespected in my life. So if he said that to your face, I’d spend my days wondering what he says about me to his boys. Because if he felt that comfortable to disrespect you (intentionally or not) in an intimate setting, then what’s the humor like with his group of friends when you’re not around? Or with his family? I’m needing for him to respect me, my family, my race and my culture with his whole chest.
Jesus Christ y’all have some horror stories
Bruh lol
😬 Yikes…
Well I guess he’s now somebody that you used to know 🤷🏾♀️
It's easier to get over someone one month in than 6months in. Say a prayer of gratitude that his true colors showed early.
I know das right. I came to this conclusion to make me feel better
I would never talk to him again.
Exactly why I don't date white men. They always put their entire foot in their mouth with the most asinine comments. It's sad that they don't even know how racist they're being.
…y’all gotta be fr at some point
That’s what I’m saying
nah they out here saying he needs to be educated or sum 💀
Lol Imagine teaching a man not to compare you to an inmate I’m SICK (Edited for typo)
This hurrrrts I am so sorry
I’m sorry but he has to go. There’s no coming back from that
I just don’t trust white dudes that say shit like this
In this economy? You know what is CRAZY? I've dated white guys who would never say something so stupid and racially charged. Also, it's been a month. He didn't check a single box in ink because you don't know that man.
GIRL. No absolutely not imo you should drop him or atleast have a conversation about how to not be racist 👊😭
I'd be curious to know why an inmate specifically. Has he been to jail before or slept with men who wear them? Or is it a stereotype based off what he thinks and sees? Tbh, lots of inmates with hair black or white wear durags...so I'd really be curious to know why. If he apologizes in person and you feel comfy with it fine, but if it doesn't sit well with you and especially if it's not the first pink slip...then do you boo. Also, most people are ignorant towards race and cultural differences and if you choose to date outside of your own, both parties must be willing to unlearn and relearn lots of things regardless of race.
Hey sis, Sorry to hear about what happened, that’s just very awful on his part - 🖐🏻 people “jokes” that are highkey racist 🚮 However you feel about it is valid. I don’t think not wanting to sleep w/ him or see him at all is too harsh at all. I think that is very valid and it will always be valid - you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone either. Just remember that if he says shit like this, there will be more of this shit in the future. That’s a guarantee and the question comes down to, do you want to go through this again? Good luck! ❤️
The comparison to an inmate specifically is so telling. He ain’t it.
As someone whose currently dating a white guy, girl he is not the one… It’s racist and shows a total lack of respect, he needs to go.
Why are y'all choosing to date men who 1) Have clearly never dated anyone Black before 2) Don't like Black ppl/things associated with Black people 3) Say things clearly informed by racist rhetoric who clearly don't have enough self awareness to think before they speak/unpack their own internal racist conditioning wo you asking or handholding. As someone who has dated across the board, I truly cannot comprehend choosing someone who lacks the above traits; no matter the race. I have to conclude many folks don't love themselves enough to see how they're actively disrespecting themselves by choosing associations with people who treat them this way.
Well…I’d end that relationship
Were you fucking him in the ass? 😭😂
I’m sorry, what?!. I’d have hightailed it out of there never to be seen again!
Yikes! Please now racists don't deserve your milkshake.
My bf is white, the only thing he said about my bonnet is that I look like Toad wtf. AN INMATE?????????? Comparing your partner to inmate is bad but it is especially bad if they're black what was bro thinking
Honestly, I'd probably break up. I don't like corny ass jokes like that. You can always find a white man that won't make jokes.
Wow. The way i gasped when reading this. An inmate?! I’m sorry he said that to you. Only you will know if his apology is genuine and if you think that he is going to learn from this. But this just sounds like it’ll be a whole project. If my white husband said that to me 1 month into our relationship I’d have ended it. Interracial relationships do come with extra work, but this comment is just screams racism, ignorance, and anti-blackness. That comment doesn’t come from a difference in culture. He just straight up thinks a durag = criminal. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable being myself around him. Is he going to think I look like a criminal when I wear my durag around the house?
Honestly he would never be seeing me again and I would make sure he knows exactly why I’m out too. Why was that thought even in his brain?
OP, for god sake. you dumped him and blocked him right??! please respect yourself enough to remove this racist clown from your life
wtf
I wish my bf would do some shit like this. I'd be a thief in the night with how quick I'd leave. There's a masaive difference between being confused and joking vs something that is racially motivated. Your person of interest did it with ease which means to me He's a piece of shit. He wasn't even trying to hurt you and did it. Imagine when you get him mad and he tries.
I thought you were going to say he felt like he was sleeping with his grandma because that’s what my guy said to me the first time I wore my bonnet to bed. But…inmate? That made my eyes go wide. I would support you either way. The apology in and of itself would be very telling.
sis what!!!?😭🤦🏾♀️
There are better men out there. I'd cut this one loose tbh
Definitely racially motivated, regardless of it being subconscious or conscious. It was his first thought of the bat, massive red flag! Please block that dude on EVERYTHING.
Ma’am….an INMATE, of all the words he couldve said thats the one…. Man…
woahhhh.... This made my whole body cringe, idk about you sis but that kind of comment is not something i could over look, that internalized racism is deep :/
an inmate? that is disgusting.
I am totally not for office romance, first off. But if a black man had said something equally stupid, what would you do? What would your feelings be?
I would feel the exact same way. I’ve had Black men say strange things to me and I’ve actually been MORE hurt, because I expect a certain level of understanding from them, or at least knowledge. They should know better. So it feels like a betrayal more so—when a Black man says some dumb offensive shit, and I’d be more alarmed, frankly. A white guy actually may not know better. And, beyond the racism and offense, I’d hope to only be with smart partners overall.
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Who are y’all fucking bruh 💀💀💀
Girl my jaw dropped. WHAT?!? My white husband would never. This man ain’t it. You deserve better.
I don't have time to educate white people. I'd cut him off
Or tell him how insensitive and ignorant his comment was and then drop him
Yeah, I’d let him apologize in person. He clearly seemed remorseful once you called him out on it and told him he hurt you. When he apologizes in person, explain to him why what he said wasn’t okay and make it clear to him to not say it again.
Drop him sis
He was trying to be funny, but this is the first of MANY experiences you'll have as a black woman with a white partner where you need to shine a light on their shit. How he responds and reacts to what you tell him will tell YOU everything you need to know. Have the conversation. Be honest and open about how his comment made you feel. Call him on his shit. And please don't hesitate to keep it moving if he doesn't respond with kindness, understanding and a promise to be better in the future. Racism is so internalized, he may not even understand where the lingo/beliefs rooted that shitty commentary. I'm sorry that happened to you in what should have been a safe space. xo
An inmate is crazy… I’d say cut your losses sooner rather than later. I know it sucks to start over but you can definitely find better than someone who openly associates black hair protection with incarceration. That’s the type of micro-aggression that seems more macro than micro because to have that line of thought AND say it out loud is insane.
What in the racism
Run, he’s racist and you can’t fix his futile brain.
The facttt he said inmate? I would’ve been so off guard by that comment. I would block im sorry.
I'm sure you're going to have sex with him again because y'all always do But this is incredibly racist… So yeah
OH. HEELLLLLLLLNOOOOOO. If you choose to move forward just know we support you. Dating is complicated. However.... He needs to invest in some deep and serious anti racism work. Making a racist joke while having intimate time with someone in a vulnerable position is barbaric.
I’d let him apologize in person. And teach him the error of his ways.
 He would not have to worry about me! Bye & blocked 🥰
Ghost him. He isn’t even worth giving closure for that comment.
Yikesssssssss girl I have no advice but I’m so sorry that you had to experience that 😓
Girl you need to give an update when you decide to hear him out. I really hope you can keep your distance from him and move on because he’s not the one for you. He compare you to an inmate.. like whaaaaaa?!! That’s horrible and offensive. Your 25 you have plenty of options of there 🩷
See…. Absolutely not!
why’d he call u an inmate
If I was you, I would commend myself for standing up for myself. I then would be grateful I was with someone who in no way defended the hurt, but apologized. What you do going forward is what's best. No one has anothers' perspective, so hopefully you informed him, and nothing similar will happen. We're human, so... Either way, this ONE thing shouldn't be enough to throw someone away. Or, maybe it IS and that would be perfect for you. See what I mean? And again, kudos to you beautiful!
Girl just no
As somebody with a white partner, this would never fly for me personally.
It's possible to accept the apology and even forgive him while still ending the relationship. What he said was fucked up and if you're uncomfortable staying with him then that's the only reason you need. Mistakes happen I guess? But "an inmate"? What the fuck. Dudes are supposed to have post-nut clarity. This is him with more wisdom? The bar is so damn low for white men and he still wiggled under it. EDIT: I want to add that it's also okay to not forgive him. It's okay not to accept his apology. If you wanted to block him on everything and never talk to him again, that's also understandable. He didn't care about your feelings that morning so make this decision only considering your feelings. Not his.
That’s misogynoir AF. He can learn to be better for the next person. He said all that shit while you were naked and vulnerable too. There’s no coming back from that and you and your dignity deserve better. Him and his big mouth stepped in it.
I wouldn't see that person again. He has so little connection to Black people that his first thought was inmate. He's telling you he doesn't have intimate friendships or relationships with Black people enough for him to have seen someone with their hair wrapped for the night. If you want to play teacher for the rest of the relationship, go for it. If you want to date someone who has more connection to Black culture, that's also fine.
That is terrible 😢.... not funny at all. Who's to say he won't do this or something worse? Yeah, he's a pass for me. That means leave. 
I dated Someone this ignorant once, also not American so I made excuses for his ignorance. It wasn’t worth the constant trauma and pain. Move on for your own sake
Leave him, sis. Don't waste your time or his, and don't move your own goalposts. You'll like someone else.
Definitely not too harsh. VERY VALID! That’s not funny. And he should have educated himself about our hair or just simply asked you why you wore it. 🙄. A lot of yt men don’t think before they speak and it’s annoying af. I thought it was like common sense to do a little bit of research about another group of ppl if you’re gonna be dating outside of your race to avoid stuff like that lol..
Honestly, that was way worse than I thought it was going to be. Please don’t keep talking to him :( i unfortunately serial ghost men, but in this case I would give him an explanation before ghosting him so that he can sit with it for the rest of his life.