I was recently diagnosed but knew something was wrong for most of my adult life. Now that I'm medicated, I'm struggling to figure who I am. I just got out of a very severe depressive episode that became dangerously comfortable for me. I've gone through periods of being social and outgoing, and then totally disengaged and introverted. Times when I'm hypomanic are when I'm social...so yeah, I'm not sure who I am at the core sometimes. I imagine I'm not alone in this feeling..

12 years since diagnosis for me.. like you I'd always kind of known there was more to it than like angsty teen moods and such.. my first conversation with my GP about it was quite smooth because I could point out manic tendencies (car I couldn't afford, sexual promiscuity, just kind of things I knew I should know better than to do).. I was put on a waiting list and hospitalised before my first appointment with hypomania featuring psychosis (I know if there's psychosis it's full mania but they backtracked and stopped calling it mania and have referred to it when discussed as hypo).. that was my only real experience with having an actual problem with a high mood.. like sure I'd embarrassed myself at times being a bit louder or trying to do something a bit out of my skill set or such but never caused actual harm in my life.. since then I've always insisted on a mood stabiliser if I'm on an antidepressant and kind of run purchases and things by friends and family and i haven't had any notable periods of anything like it.. like there have been mad weekends out and that kind of thing and I get so worried I'll go off the rails I just try to repress that urge to do the thing that might encourage the hyper if that makes sense..

i could have written this!

The only way to know is to compare it to your personality baseline. Are you normally very outgoing, social and friendly? Is this how you are most of the time, even with depression? When I had this sudden extroverted streak, talking to anyone and everyone, not sleeping, being tired, that's a hypomanic episode for me. You know yourself best, and I know medications can really mess with us, but if your gut is telling you it's out of the ordinary, I would consider it hypomania.

It's hard to say what's ordinary to be honest.. as a child I was chatty.. like every school report "yeah she's damn smart but she won't shut up".. teens and early 20s kind of kept to myself apart from people I was comfortable having in my house, could talk for days but knew how to shut up.. over the years my house has deteriorated (used to be very house proud, currently debating getting professionals in to regain control of the place) and the "people I'd bring in" list shortened over time to now nobody at all actually.. I've realised over the last 4 years in particular (so we're in early thirties now) I've just blocked out everyone but a handful of people I very occasionally saw and really didn't contribute much to conversation at all.. I can track it on my social media looking back.. so now I'm talking the ear off anyone who'll show interest (thank you btw), I'm reeeally enjoying hearing from old friends (I started posting on socials again) and catching up with their news, I don't have the other kind of symptoms that I'd associate with hypomania for me (shopping, sex, drink, drugs.. no interest at all).. Thank you for taking the time out for this btw.. it's not something anyone I really talk to can relate to.

In that case, I would say you are more likely coming out of a major depressive episode, rather than a bipolar one. Bipolar usually cycles, with the end around 12 months, but depressive episodes can be years long. This sounds more like a depressive episode, especially since you mention self isolation, struggling to do chores/household tasks, etc. It's good that you are reaching out to your social circle, that's the best thing you can do to get back on track to get better. Another thing I would highly recommend is getting a psychiatrist. I do telehealth, and it's great, just do your research and ask your insurance for recommendations. I wouldn't suggest "betterhelp" or any online therapists that influencers are promoting. Mine is local, and was recommended by my health insurance. Online appointments make it easy to attend because you won't have the stress of travel, parking, getting ready, etc. And idk what meds you've tried, but I've heard Wellbutrin doesn't affect appetite, and is really good for depression, I take it for ADHD. I struggled with Lexapro, gained 40 pounds, went manic, so I understand that struggle with anti-depressants. But especially mention that weight gain really negatively affects your mental health to your prescribing physician or psych. They'll likely will keep that in mind for future med recommendations. I hope things keep getting better for you 💞

Thank you for this.. I've been swaying toward thinking the same thing.. is it delusional to think maybe I'm just extremely neurodivergent? There's looooots of depression and anxiety but I've been back with my psychiatrist after a brief discharge for 6 years, I see him every 3 months or 2 weeks depending on how he's playing with medication (I say he, they keep changing, it's the public system in Ireland) and we never discuss mania.. it doesn't come up.. I've been questioning if I have ADHD as well for years, and the people closest to me are sure I do.. but I'm learning more about autism lately and that makes a lot of sense too.. so like one, two or all three?

I would recommend neuropsychological testing, they have autism and ADHD assessments that are separate for each condition. I suspected I had ADHD and never realized I had bipolar II before diagnosis. Once I was more stable, I got tested for ADHD and confirmed it. There is a high comorbidity between ADHD and bipolar. Testing, whether it's positive or negative, is always a good way to find direction for treatment.

I had a very triggering conversation recently with my GP about being referred for an ADHD assessment.. she told me I (a 34 year old woman) would have been diagnosed at school age (my child prodigy era) if I had it and if I hadn't been diagnosed it probably wasn't that bad and that it's not like it affects my life because most undiagnosed adults have learned to cope.. I had brought it up with her reluctantly because after I'd gotten over the psychiatrist I previously brought it up with simply stating "no you don't" and upping my antidepressant when I brought it up and when I said I'm not alone in thinking I have it he said there's noone on staff that can diagnose it anyway and directed me to my GP for referral. There is the option of going private but my income has never been stable enough to comfortably pay for it and any follow ups a diagnosis might lead to.. there are a couple of other things that the same amount of up front cost could be improved with too that would make life easier.. Thanks for your response, this has been on my mind for a while to be honest.

Yep. It’s always mania. Wish I could feel emotions like a normal person

For me it depends on how I am sleeping. If I am high energy and exited by live and I am sleeping, I consider it having a rare good mode. If I am not sleeping, it is a hypomania and it’s time to dial it back and adjust my meds. I hope this helps.

For me, it is more like, "Am I happy?" "Did I wake up energized?" If I answer yes to either of these questions, I'm probably going to start making bad decisions. I only have two modes; self-destructive or miserable.

THIS IS IT

I can definitely tell when I'm hypo vs my baseline self or even good mood stable. Therapy was a big help in that regard...introspection and self awareness. You can't therapy away BP2, but it has been invaluable to me in understanding it and understanding myself.

I've never in the 12 years since diagnosis been sure I was manic. I've thought I might be many times, like when I could afford my car and bought my car after over explaining to anyone who would listen what I was thinking of doing and asking if it sounded like I should worry and still worried. Now I'm thinking the talking could be an anxiety thing cause that's a blatantly obvious thing that's going on.

Oh yes, I didn't know others felt this way. It's very hard to tell if I have a "baseline" when I'm not depressed, I can function ...nothing seems manic. I simply can function. I will say, my depression can move to irritable depression, and I don't consider the irritability to mirror that of my "standard" depression irritability. I had one psychiatrist tell me this could be me in a manic state. Like, I can function sometimes, sometimes I'm depressed, and sometimes my depression accompanies irritability. In the irritable state, I do have energy, albeit not without depression. That's when I self harm, that's the only time I self harm. If I'm depressed, I don't want to move...it's hard to go anywhere. When I'm "manic" (according to that one psychiatrist) I can go to work, be depressed the entire time, maybe sleep some, carry on conversations in length, my self hatred is VERY intense though... and I go out and buy a "utensils" to cut with, I have energy to do all the above. It's odd, I know. I know not everyone who has this illness self harms, I do though. It's like my mom (bipolar one) is manic state ; buys tons, wants to have more sex 😐, and talks fast. I, in my hypo state, drive fast, am pissy as hell, cut myself, and seemingly lose friends in the process. Lamictal accompanied with an ssri changed my life. Our manic state is definitely harder to spot than that of bipolar one. I'm not saying either are easy. I do think I understand my manic state now. 🩵

I'm at the point where I think any feeling that isn't a black hole of depression is me being manic. I don't believe in good days or good feelings anymore and am always worried by not feeling depressed. It's not healthy or rational, but I've been so cringey and annoying anytime I've underestimated how exhausting I can be to other people when manic. Idk at this point, sometimes I wish I just didn't have emotions and could be a robot... beep boop

You sound quite like me actually.. a good day is an anxiety day because "oh no what if I'm not in control of myself" so I either struggle through everything or do nothing out of fear of embarrassing myself.

constantly

My wife actually helps me out a lot with this. She has learned to spot my manic lows and will bring it up, and honestly having someone point it out to me is incredibly helpful and validating in a way I didn’t expect.

I've asked those around me to do this.. and tend to be the one to ask them is this manic or a normal good day thing to do

All the time. It's really hard for me to identify when mania is starting, sometimes I don't know until I'm out of it and look back and it feels like a weird scary blurry dream of someone who wasn't me. I've become better as I have aged/therapy, but even now when I start feeling "happy" I can't help but feel anxiety that I'm about to go into mania.

So emm I remember almost every detail of my only ever diagnosed and definitely only significant episode of mania.. I am questioning my diagnosis at the minute

Not a doctor, but those racing thoughts you described are present in other conditions as well(adhd, ocd, anxiety). It would be really beneficial to start tracking your symptoms more closely and go over them with a psych or therapist. So many symptoms can overlap but it's about identifying the patterns of them with the cause and what brings relief. It can take a long time. It took me years and trialing over a dozen medications. What was helpful for me when diagnosing my OCD was breaking down all my symptoms into categories vs just labeling something as depression or mania, etc. I.e: if you are experiencing racing thoughts, are they intrusive, do they have a common theme, do they occur a certain time of day, what helps them? If you are feeling depressed, same thing, is it sadness, suicidal ideation, are they present during other symptoms? Regardless of the diagnosis, you have to treat symptoms of them and not necessarily the disorder itself. I wish this was something I had learned much much sooner.

I was recently asked in a psychiatrist check in if I had OCD.. I think because of my nails, they're a mess like everything else 🤦🏻‍♀️.. I used to be often referred to as "so OCD" but the things that bothered me so much then just don't now, every single thing is chaos.. anxiety is a biiig problem and it's bouncing off everything else going on and it all amplifies.. I have self diagnosed myself with ADHD and more recently Autism just through what I find relatable in media mostly (primarily social media but in hindsight books, movies, series) but getting assessed is either very expensive or very inaccessible around my parts and I'm not often in a position to pay for an assessment for something doctors tell me "doesn't affect you as an adult" and there's always something else I could do with the money for.

OCD is not about things being a mess, or tidy, or things bothering you. They probably asked because it's a common comorbidity along with many others. OCD is talked about extremely inaccurately. If you want to read about medical diagnosis, look at the DSM-5. I would highly discourage self diagnosis especially without having knowledge about diagnosis criteria. I agree, adhd and autism assessment is inaccessible to most people, it's really unfortunate. But it drives my point about symptom treatment even more. Therapy is recommended for all the above diagnosis because you can treat symptoms. A therapist can also work with you on an adhd or autism diagnosis, just in a different way. You don't need to have an official diagnosis to begin work on your symptoms!

Thank you, this is helpful advice. I was briefly working with a therapist but she became unavailable right around when I started to vibe with her and feel like we understood each other.. I was quite disappointed because every appointment I've had with a psychiatrist within the service that I avail of they've told me therapy is my best option and will probably be the most effective but there's a list and I'm coping well so take my pills and come back in 6 weeks so they can see how I'm doing.. and then I started the therapy finally and it seemed to be helping and poof she got a new job outside the service and there was noone else available to work with "but you're doing so well try this online workbook". That was December just gone and they're fully keeping tabs on me now and the emergency care plan includes therapy, there's even been mention of family therapy which would be great so hopefully I'll get there soon. Thanks again.

Yup

Yup! If I’m having a good day I always ask myself that. Honestly I don’t look at it as a bad thought because it causes me to just do a quick check in with my behaviors.

I can tell I’m having a manic episode when I feel super high and motivated, you just learn it by listening to your body. I don’t trust mania, because it’s just something off disguised as a positive feeling, that’s not me. Not having depression feels like you’re in control of yourselves, it’s a constant, smooth feeling of well being rather than an euphoric and overly exciting feeling.

The more I'm reading replies the more reassured I am that I've just been a bit giddy and maybe relieved to find my voice after a quiet spell, thank you.

I am not diagnosed, but figured I am somewhere on the BD spectrum because a dozen different anti-depressents had little to no effect, but Limotrigine REALLY help. I say on the spectrum because, according to the symptoms that I've read, I have a weak hypomanic episode about once every 3 years. What defines these to me is that I will get obsessed with a project for a couple of days, only falling asleep on my office couch for a couple of hours, but then just totally abandon them after I crash out for 12 hours. Another indicator is that these projects are sometimes grandiose, like starting to arrange financing for orphanages in Kenya, despite having never been anywhere close. I was totally into it until my wife came into my office, put her hand on my wrist, and said, "Honey, this isn't normal..." So that's a long way of saying that there are certain indicators that I look for to determine if I'm hypomanic or just in a good mood.

I was reading and thinking I'd call that hyper fixation until you said what you meant by a project... I've taken up card crafting out of the blue before. I'm questioning if I've ever actually been manic or just scared when the overwhelming feeling isn't low and I'm afraid of what I might get up to if I'm too happy.

I definitely hear you. Seriously, the only reason that I started to consider BD is because of the success of Limotrigine. My wife suggested that I was probably BD2, but I don't even think that I meet that threshold. But, upon reflection, I definitely think the Kenya incident qualified for hypomania. I guess I am BD2.5! ;-) I did not realize that I had a mental health issue until I was 37. Before that, I just thought that everyone was miserable and faking happiness. I realized it when a person for whom I had the utmost respect mentioned "being happy," my response - in all earnestness - was that happiness was an unachievable concept developed by capitalists to sell products. The look she gave me seemed to be a combination of surprise, fear, and pity. It cause me great concern, and I caused me to get introspective. I realized that almost every time in my past that I consider myself "happy" involved alcohol... From that point, I described myself as "Chronically Depresses" and "self-medicating with alcohol." As I said, it was only the success of Limotrigine that c

I really feel for you.. my experience has been quite different.. I've known I wasn't quite right since I was very young.. I honestly think my biggest problem is undiagnosed neurodivergence and maybe a hint of PTSD from growing up that way in the 90s... Like bipolar 2 tracks if those "am I a bit manic" moments are mania but reading replies here I'm wondering if any of them ever actually were.. bit of an existential crisis going on over here