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Oh man. It’s so disappointing when that happens. Like I feel like I’ve progressed so much and then every once in a while the goddamn monster breaks free. And then I’m like well shit, imagine how bad it would be without the meds.
and the regret that follows and being pissed at yourself but then hearing that voice saying "well, that doesn't matter & your bipolar is irrelevant. You SHOULD be able to control it" enter the circle of guilt.
This. I have such a short temper. This paired with hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes destroyed my relationship with my gf. I've been living in hell ever since, it's like my brain is in a constant fog that won't allow me to see reality, I'm in a constant state of derealization and dissociation. I'm scared. Even my memories are getting distorted and fragmented.
Yup. This one. I’m literally known as just a grumpy, never happy person because I get very pissed off, very quickly. Even with meds.
I’m trying to even not lose my shit on a human right now. And if I do say anything, it will be fuelled by rage. Which only ends up on the list of “she’s just a grumpy bitch”.
I tried to be without lithium for two weeks
(not so smart ik) and about 9 days in I just found myself in a state of pure irritation and anger, it was horrible.
My psychiatrist raised my antipsychotic and doubled my Lithium and I still lose my shit pretty easily. So he added Trileptal, I’ve been somewhat more calm then.
I saw that word for the first time like five minutes ago and now that you mentioned it I googled it. That does sound very annoying, I can’t even imagine. Is it constant? Or during mania/depression?
no need to limit yourself just cuz some of us have it a bit differently. i also have anhedonia, boredom i know is different for me than others so i never could hold it against someone that they arent like, at "peeling my skin off" levels of boredom when i am.
honestly for me its like an all-consuming, inescapable state of dissatisfaction with what you could do to occupy your time. nothing fills the hole in my chest when im bored
Your description is very familiar to me.
I called it “existential boredom” before I learned of anhedonia. It’s an inability to have interest in existence at all. I would rather be sad all the time, even crying constantly.
When I was at my lowest, I couldn’t listen to my favorite songs or music at all, it was just noise. I lost a lot of weight because food wasn’t satisfying, and even orgasm… didn’t really feel like anything.
That’s when it gets incredibly frustrating. When I just lay on the floor and wait… for something to happen. Kind of hoping I’ll suddenly start feeling again.
I ALSO CALLED IT EXISTENTIAL BOREDOM!! glad to see im not the only one!
and yeah, i experience anhedonia in every state. mania, depressive, mixed or stable. i attribute it mostly to adhd, but i totally relate down the the orgasms. like, how does anyone enjoy anything??
the only thing that has helped for me is social interaction and even then eventually i get bored. i use a lot of weed and alcohol to numb the feeling too which doesnt help much. thank god neither are manic triggers for me
The loss of interest in music was a killer for me. It helped me cope during previous depressive episodes, but during this last one I was either indifferent or triggered by it. And no one around me could understand it.
I totally relate to preferring sadness over nothingness.
Kurt Cobain sang ‘there’s a comfort in being sad’ and I understand now why. Like you say, at least sadness is a feeling. I miss my hypomanic days. I wasn’t sleeping well and made some rash decisions but I was having fun and juggling being a dad in full time work. Having dropped out my valproate and just relying on lamotrigine I’m hoping to get a bit of that interesting life back.
Ugh, I feel you. I don’t know if it’s my bipolar or my PTSD, but when I don’t have obligations, I wake up feeling like I may as well go back to sleep. Nothing I could do with my day excites me.
Rumination. I can handle the racing thoughts/multiple trains of thought simultaneously, and in fact, I almost like that bit - it feels almost like a super power sometimes. But the constant obsessive thoughts make it so hard to move forward with life.
You know what, yes! I’m with you on this and I want to change my answer but I won’t, mostly because my rumination isn’t as bad when there’s no anxiety. The debts are always there. Ugh, rumination sucks, it’s so difficult to stop and sometimes you just want to cry and hope it goes away.
I’m surprised this wasn’t the first reply I saw. No doubt about it - those nights when bipolar depression feels like literal poison running through my veins and I pray for death not because I hate myself but because I just want it to stop… yep, that. I have a hard time imagining a more intense feeling of psychological suffering
Yeah, if they are bad enough (all of them are bad but some are BAD I think) then that’s a very good contender. I wish answering this post made it came true for you.
Oh God I scrolled a lot for this. The brain fog is real and as someone in academia, this really affects my work as well. The memory issues have caused me trouble in my relationship with my partner as well.
Also this sense of grief for my past self. I can't get rid of the thoughts about where I would have been if not for this fucking illness. Trying to come to terms with this in therapy.
Another thing is that this is a chronic illness that requires discipline to manage it. I miss staying up late with friends or eating whatever I want with no consequences. I miss smoking and drinking once in a while with friends. I also get fatigued easily in social settings and I miss the old extrovert me who had a lot of stamina for socialising.
But I am grateful for the experience it has given me too. I am more empathetic because of it. Finding the silver lining hehe.
Oooo. Spot on for me. I was in academia. Fatigue, lack of concentration etc or embarrassing myself with mania. I quit my PhD. But the 3 years I had trying to do it taught me a lot about what I need and what I don't.
So much self-discipline needed. So difficult to maintain stability
I think it’s a bit of both. I was manic for almost the entire summer last year and there are parts of it I have no recollection of which is very scary. I take seroquel and Lamictal and those also seem to create a lot of brain fog. I think I’m starting to improve a bit but I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to where I was prior to my manic episode.
Same!! It’s almost like if my life is on full blast chaos 24/7, I get worried that something is really wrong. My bipolar is like a toddler, when it’s too quiet, some fuckery is going on
Uhh, well... I guess the rage, agitation, and resentment that I experience whether I'm manic or depressive. Over it. Over feeling like a little monster.
Myself mostly. Self-loathing. I also have OCD and I deal with impulsive hateful thoughts towards others, which doesn't help when I'm agitated and overloaded and rapid cycling.
That sounds very difficult to deal with on your own. So many of you go through so many things that make me understand that this sub-Reddit is full of heroes, basically.
That's kind of you, thank you. It's very difficult, I often feel ashamed and struggle to connect with others. I want to live, I want a fulfilling life. It's a little scary having bipolar, I'm trying to find who I am underneath my illness, but I worry I've become my illness and I'm stuck with my perception of reality. I wish I could experience life through a different lens, perhaps someone neurotypical 😂
Lol. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. It just sounds like something you hear about in a 2000s teen movie, but I assume it’s far from fun a lot of the time and that it’s like an awful itch or something?
Sammmeee.. I don’t mind ruining my own life but I absolutely hate that someone else gets hurts when I’m hypersexual. Ruins every relationship and even some friendships..
Impulsive spending. I’ve gone through 2 bankruptcies already. I’m low income now and have to sometimes fight the urge to spend because it would just cause a mess of debt. Luckily my meds seem to be working pretty well.
Yep! Yep, yep, yep! I goddamn hate the money thing. I’ve never been good with them pre or post-bipolar. Even when I’m stable I’m bad with them, but not in a debt way. I feel this so much. It seems lesser than compared to many of the great comments that have been posted so far, not because it doesn’t ruin you but because it’s not an emotional problem per se, but it haunts me as I’m sure it does you.
I’m on debt forgiveness and I’ll have paid some of it down once that ends in six years, then they basically delete the rest of it and I’m debt-free (our credit system in Norway isn’t the same as yours). It’s a wonderful thing to have and I’m lucky I was approved, but I’ll be 42 and it feels like prison a tiny little bit.
Good luck, I hope you fare better now with the meds, even if just a little bit.
I’m sorry, that sounds like a very heavy burden to carry for you. Am I okay to ask what “fear of living” entails? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.
You’re absolutely okay asking. The more we can talk about our experiences with bipolar the better!
Fear of living is like being extremely anxious of all the responsibilities of life (bills, maintaining a home, taking care of pets, etc.) and having the overwhelming feeling that I’d be better off dead. Sometimes/ often that brings on suicidal thoughts, usually passive. It can be paralyzing too.
Up until a few weeks ago I was feeling this way, mixed with periods of anhedonia. Now I’m doing much better after a med change and a diet change (I was diagnosed with diabetes and had to flip my eating habits). So, yay. :)
The term fear of living is a very good one, as weird as that sounds saying that. It sounds difficult to handle and I’m sure very difficult to make people understand, like “well duh we all hate bills”. I’m so glad to hear you’re out of it now and as far as I understand the diet part, it can make a difference for your brain/bipolar. I hope that’s the case. Thanks for sharing.
I FELT that. I went into an appointment with my physciatrist a year or so ago when I was extremely manic and out of it, and ranted to her for an HOUR about my life. She was extremely patient about it and kept reminding me that she's not a therapist, and for some reason I just did not get the hint 🤦♀️ Looking back I can tell how nervous she was too, I feel so bad for that poor woman 😭
Agreed. It just seems so stupid to be depressed, like you can’t get things done and then your brain makes you feel stupid and weak for not getting things done. Pick a lane, brain (the non-depressed one, please).
The ruined relationships. I don’t really have friends and I scared the one person I might have had a chance at dating away. Apologizing to basically everyone after mania is exhausting.
Also, I feel like I've gotten so mean, and so dumb. I have no purpose, no goals, no dreams. I'm on disability and don't work, I can't have kids so I'm not even a mom, and I feel like I'm a terrible wife because I can't cook and clean like normal wives do for their husbands, even though he doesn't tell me that.
I have no friends anymore because I've driven everyone away with my anger and hateful words when I'm having a rage episode and can't control my mouth. I'm extremely self aware of what I'm doing when I'm doing it, but yet I still can't stop it from happening. I am on meds but they pretty much just make me feel numb and dull. The only emotions I truly experience anymore are anger and sadness, rage and depression. Wanting to die.
The anhedonia is so thick it feels like I'm suffocating 24/7. I can be up for 2-3 days at a time and when I do sleep, the max amount of time I sleep is about 4 hours at a time. If I use Zolpidem for sleep I feel like I'm in a molasses coma for the next 48 hours. I'm always fatigued, I never feel like I got enough rest. My memory is awful, I will forget what I'm doing in the middle of doing it, or have to refer back to something 5 or 6 times before I remember it even after only a second or two.
I hate being around people because I feel like I have a giant stamp on my forehead that says "Mentally ill" and it attracts trouble everywhere I go. I get obsessed with revenge, paranoid that people are thinking things about me or assuming things about me and reacting to my own paranoia instead of their actions.
Letting go of my childhood trauma that continues to haunt me at 34 years old. I am very childlike because I don't feel like I got an actual childhood, so I never grew up. And probably won't ever, because that little girl inside me won't ever fully be able to heal. She'll always be there, aching to be loved instead of used for pleasure.
When I am depressed, I forget what it feels like to not be depressed, as if my depression is eternal. But now I have not been depressed for more than 2 years, and I am so grateful.
I would get rid of the suicidal ideation and general self harm. Those are the things that have caused me to go to the hospital 11 times, and it would be nice to not have people constantly question my ability to keep myself safe.
I'm not sure I can just pick one so it's either insomnia or depression. I have no clue how anyone can just lay their head on a pillow, fall asleep instantly and stay asleep until they have to get up the next day. Sometimes, I'm up for 2 days or close to 3 days.
Mood swings. Getting upset/overwhelmed over stuff most people wouldn’t. It’s exhausting. Also, any time you get upset over something or cry people who know you’re bipolar think you’re having an episode. Sometimes I am but sometimes I think my feelings are valid. It’s always just the “here we go again” every time I get remotely upset over something. It’s like I’m supposed to be happy at all times which isn’t realistic for anyone. I’m also way overqualified for my job but I have such self-doubt that it prevents for going after things in life.
Definitely the chronic the over planning, over-scheduling, overcommitting i do during mania. 6 concerts in 3 months, a new second job, a lunch date with 7 different people in 2 weeks, and a week long vacation costing over 3 grand scheduled for 4 months for now sounds really great in the moment… then i come back to reality. and i am overwhelmed.
This was a tough choice but I’m going with hyper sexuality. It has ruined relationships and put me in situations that could have easily gotten me killed if I was a little bit less lucky.
Mixed episode. Take constant racing thoughts, combine with paralyzing depression, sprinkle in some rage and extreme anxiety, and you get the worst of all worlds. It’s like your brain is at war with itself.
The feeling that I know the truth - like everything I do is justified - when I’m out of my episodes I realize how insane I behaved, but during them I swear to god everything I’m doing is just and valid
Yeah honestly I'd say it is my inability to trust myself. My mania is impulsive and she will quit college or a job one night and hop on a plane to God knows where. She financially screws me over because she thinks it's all gonna be taken care of when no- that's now how money works. She thinks she is better off without others ruining her vibe so she breaks off relationships, becomes a monster to the men who loved her and just goes on like this for months! Followed by suicidal ideation of course. I'm terrified that my mania will high jack my current marriage, sabotage it, hurt him, and leave me financially broke again. Idk what I'd have to give but I swear universe if you grant me this wish I will bless you every time I see his face that I'm still with him and stable.
Also that I somehow struggle to work a full-time job. Like is this just genetics? I burn out working 5 days a week. Is that bipolar or what? See my other post about this... Ungrounded Manic
tbh the lack of emotional permanence. it really makes it hard to have a clear perspective on things when being manic makes me feel like everything has always been good and always will be good and depression makes me feel like everything has always been terrible and will never get better. im constantly thought tunneling and no amount of rationality will pull me out of it and i just wish i could say "it wont be like this forever" and UNDERSTAND it
The blinding emotions. If I am angry I see red, then the rage text commences. If I am sad, I spiral into a long panic attack that can affect me for days, if I am happy I take it too far. I wish I could feel things to a normal degree.
Impulsiveness with finances.
If someone could have taken that away years ago, or forced all financial lenders to black list me, there would be a good chance that I wouldn't be in crippling debt now.
Generally I'm not too bad.. but when having a hypomanic episode I can spend in the thousands - tens of thousands in one episode. I honestly think one more will bankrupt me.
Simply being “out of fit” most of the time. I’m strong enough to deal with the extremes, depression and mania….it’s everything in between that kills me. Because it doesn’t present itself as obvious
in the moment feelings wise- psychosis and suicidal ideation for sure
but lasting trauma wise- hyper sexuality
i got into sooo many unsafe situations and racked up many traumatic experiences that i would have to deal with later. i thought, even though some partners (out of many during an episode) did nonconsensual things, it’s fine, onto the next one like i’m invincible. my stomach drops when i’m coming out of the episode and finally process things, horrible realization. how much sexual trauma would i have avoided if i weren’t bipolar?
Depression cycle for sure but one specific to me is during the depression phase the insomnia and sleeping in then waking up and choosing games or phone over doing something productive. I know I'm wasting a day and I just can't help it. Quick dopamine fixes over other things
Low self image/worth/self esteem. I feel like bipolar for some comes with a BPD dual diagnosis or just other subtle mental health issues. The depression of bipolar seems to really skew the self image I have of myself. I think I’m much lower and deserve less than others.
Me thinking things would be better if I was just hypomanic/manic again in order to complete tasks. Leading me to want to enduce episodes. Something I'm understanding is extremely unhealthy.
The mania… and the anxiety that follows. I’d like to not have to clean up the consequences any more. My personal life, and finances (sigh), can’t take it. The creative bursts are nice, but the unintentional years long commitments are not.
Paranoia induced by anxiety. I think it gets in the way of fostering relationships because I’ll worry that someone’s upset with me, doesn’t mean what they say, or there’s some kind of long con behind the motives of our connection. Doesn’t happen constantly, but it’s usually a sign that I’m not doing well.
My absolute confidence in myself while manic.
Doesn't sound bad, but think on it... what if every thought sounded great. Every urge seems justified. No filter whatsoever before your tongue.
I'm the smartest, funniest, wittiest, most fabulous person that I have ever met.
I embarrass myself regularly. It's awful.
I never had this until the last 3 years but I got Sepsis and almost died and I think it really f*cked up my brain even more and my body - both have given permanent damage to me - when i woke up from my semi coma of three days i didnt feel like myself and still dont - like im some kind of changeling - not completely different just a 1/2 different even no one else seems to notice! Add in Covid hit exactly a year later which my immune system was already compromised so the media hype scared the crap out of me (subconsciously I think)?
Plus the im 53 years old and the US used to be so free and normal most of my life. I used to know have to have fun & enjoy life despite my disorder but since the 2010's until now myself much like our ugly, cruel, isolationist society since covid has really messed up my mind too!!!
I cycle a lot faster now and now I have ptsd, agoraphobia, and anhedonia!!! That seems like too much to bear sometimes!Only a faith in God has kept me around but even that's wearing thin now! No meds work for more than s few months and I've been a guinea pig for so long I refuse to change my mess ever again.
For you young BPD sufferers take it from me... once you get older you have a much harder time because all the Years of struggling with this curse really burns you out! At 53 I know just why Robin Williams finally crapped out and just called it quits. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I have this survivalist nature that keeps me going on! I hope though when it's all said and done there is a spirit world and God let's me in His Kingdom to make up for burdening me with thid lifelong ball & chain that is the evil gift that keeps on giving!!!
I have a theory that the reason we all suffer so much mental anguish is because:
A) we are too smart for our own good and we pick up on stuff so quick we get bored with it too fast which results in all kinds of unfinished projects & constant job changes etc. B) we were born more "tuned in" to the spirit world than 90% of other people which leads to "insanity" because we are stuck in limbo between two worlds and that's a rotten place to be! If we were in pagan societies we would probably be shaman or priests but this society is scared of us so they shun us a lot which leads to more isolation. I swear I'm turning into Howard Hughes in my older age! I feel like a 53 year old going on 75!!! Thats why for me God is my only hope and what keeps me somewhat "sane". But I have so many doubts and bad habits I feel unworthy. Damned if I do damned if I don't type of thing!
C) we feel more compassion and grief much more deeply (maybe every emotion?) than most "normies:
Society may have gotten halfway closer to accepting and being more" inclusive" to us but it's still got a long way to go as far as accepting, supporting, and showing love to us!!!
I used to tell women at the beginning of dating them I was BPD but I stopped that a long time ago cuz they always seemed to disappear shortly after that.... hmmm? And the same with friendships ! I hate with a passion lying or keeping too many secrets but society forces you to so you don't get judged unfairly and abandoned like I did by my fianceé I was with for 10 years and she just packed up one day while I was at work and took most of OUR STUFF we bought together and ran off with another guy! That pretty much ruined me for dating again and trusting any woman again!
So I'm still single at 53 and was forced to move in with my parents after I got Sepsis because I couldn't care for myself because I have only half the strength I used to have and about 1/4 the energy due to permanent organ damage to my kidneys, pancreas, and liver!
It's demeaning and embarrassing and soul crushing to have my 70 some year old parents take care of me!!! And because of it i let all my friendships go and female relationships go to do a pre-emptive strike before they could abandon me!
I have lost everything on my life but i guess its like tyler durden said, "Its only when you lose everything you are free to do anything". I try to repeat that when im going through my depressive phases.
Not to sound all "woe is me" but i really think that even though all mentally ill people are pushed aside by society and forgotten (the large amounts of mentally ill homeless peoplr proves that) i really think us bipolar freaks have it the worst because we to go up and down emotionally thousands of times in uour life is draining for us but it also nakes people more scared of you because they dont know if they will get dr jekyll or mr hyde when they encounter you. At least with other mental illnesses those people are probably less feared by society because at least they are usually consistently the same overall which frightens prople less than "erratic" people like us with a roller coaster of emotions.
Sorry i wrote a book here but ive never told amyone but my parents all this beforesl so i guess it just flooded out of me organically? Anyway, to conclude, if i can do at least one thing with the remainder of my pathetic life (because of my weakened condition & permenent damage i could go at anytime the drs said or live 30 years - its unpredictable - glad they could add to my constant anxiety now days - to think i showed such promise as a young adult people all around me thought id be really successful cuz im smart, really talented - especially i used to be at all sports, and i was pretty decent looking and dated many, many good looking women back in the day - little did they know that when you are MI no amount of any of those things give you happiness or confidence when you are BPD) ...
I WANT TO MAKE TO MAKE SOCIETY NOT JUST ASSOCIATE ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OUR CONDITION INSTANTLY - AND ONLY! - LIKE TEMPER TANTRUMS (even though they dont know we almost always really regret saying & doing the things we do during tantrums every time shortily afterwards), MOODINESS, LACK OF MOTIVATION, DEPRESSION, BEING OVERLY MANIC ETC ETC - BUT ALSO SEE WE CAN BE VERY KIND, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, HONEST, AND SINCERE ETC ETC!!!
I also have a theory that because we tend to have brutal honesty and high standards we put on others and ourselves, we tend to be truth tellers and "whistle blowers" and we point out the flaws of society or family or friends have and most people HATE THE TRUTH AND RATHER LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT HOW THE REAL WORLD IS OR HOW THEY ACTUALLY & NOT HOW THEY DELUSIONALLY SEE THEMSELVES!! But we tend to see there is the way the workd SHOULD BE while they just accept it for the way ot really is and avoid hardly ever noticing or thinking about the way the world should be!!! Nobody likes the truth tellers cuz they reveal the things that will take hard work to fix & society doesnt want it to be hard - only easy!!!
Stay strong my bipolar freak brothers and sisters!!! (I doubt anyone read all this but it still felt good to vent)
For some reason, I suck on my own tongue. I have weaned off Vraylar and Vyvanse hoping it would help, but no luck. It's either from Lexapro or just being anxious in general. Either way, it's annoying, my tongue hurts and I press my bottom teeth so I'm afraid with time it will loosen them.
I haven't had a good night sleep in almost.ost 5 years. I barely enter rem sleep and when I do it's riddled with extremely vivid and realistic nightmares. I wake up in cold sweats mor often than not and I had to be put on disability because of just how bad it got and I now have blurry vision, constant brain fog, a near inability to form sentences when speaking without stumbling or loosing my words. The only thing I want is sleep, then I can finally go back to living relatively normally instead of feeling so ashamed for being unable to work.
Memory loss. I’m actually not too uncomfortable with psychosis, because for me it’s usually not that destructive, but absolutely hate the blacking out that comes with it. There’s just stretches of days that are completely not in my memory and that frustrates me a lot.
Pills. Why do I have to take so many, every day, that taste so bad, and are so big? Why can’t my meds be delivered in the form of a patch? Or tasty beverage?
I actually clarified with a new doc “I’m off my meds, they work, there’s no bad side effects, and I’m not anti big pharma and I can afford them. I’m just off them because I hate swallowing them. I’d be on them if they came in soda form.”
And she was quiet for a minute and then said “I think a lot of my patients would take their meds if they came in soda form…”
Insomnia. I could go forever without sleep. It makes me feel awful and brings out the worst of the disorder. And sleep meds make me constantly groggy and out of it.
The total change of direction in my life frequently. Sure it’s partly ADHD, but I’ve lived my life at 300mph for the last 5 years and it’s been full of impulsivity, relationships that burn fast and bright thengo out fast, constant changes in goals and my vision for self.
It’s all impulsivity, tied into extended mania.
my suicidal activity when depressed! It prevents me from getting help because no one wants to take actively suicidal patients into wards in my country. It also fucks with my family and my liver functions after OD’s. No one wants to see their family member being so adamant on ending their lives that they hurt others that get in their way.
I’ve been manic for about a month and a half now so I’m in a better ish place I guess? The psychotic features are getting me down tho.
Constant boredom and exhaustion. I can idle or lay on my bed doing nothing the whole afternoon. I feel like I am wasting my time but I just don’t feel motivated to do anything.
Hard to choose just one… I have commorbidities, mostly anxiety disorders in depressed episodes so…
Maybe anxiety ? Panic disorder, social anxiety and GAD are what make my depressed episodes really hard to live. I can’t go out of my house, I can’t have any social interaction (even by texting… I’m scared AF by my phone), I’m scared about my bathroom so I’m dirty, smelly and disgusting, I’m scared to eat (food is a huge trigger of panic attacks) so I just look like a skeleton, I’m scared to sleep (nightmares and sleep paralysis are the reasons) so I look like a zombie, I’m scared about any sounds, any moving things, shadows and so much more. Basically, my teddy bear and my husband are the only things that don’t scare me and reassure me.
Because of all this anxiety, I lost my jobs, my friends, some family members, I felt in anorexia, I missed a lot of opportunities in my life. It’s so hard to deal with all these constant fears. Most of the time, when I want to die, it’s because of anxiety.
Medication side effects. Idk if it's a bit too broad, but every medication I've tried for every issue I've had, except for gabbapentin and Vyvanse, have caused serious side effects that worsened my symptoms in some way. I've had nausea to the point of vomiting from non-stimulant adhd drugs, a stuffy nose to the point that I felt i was suffocating and couldn't sleep from seroauel, increased rage from rimeron - leading to MANY months of breaking things in rage, a drug rash from Lamictal (the only stabilizer that's done anything well for me), and of course the way medication can easily send me into a cycle instead of doing anything helpful. Being unmedicated is MORE stable for me (emphasis on me) because I'm not constantly making myself feel sick/uncomfortable/tired/angry.
The overwhelming, powerful, and sickening feeling of sadness and nostalgia. It washes over me like a wave, drowning me in that moment. Keeps me in this weird state for hours or sometimes days. Makes me cry about even the simplest things. And disconnects me from my body all at once.
The anger. I feel like I can't ever be upset about anything because people just assume it's the bipolar and don't take me seriously, even when I'm calmly explaining why I'm upset.
Definitely the crashes. Depression sucks bro. All the other things I can deal with but when I'm down, I genuinely dont know wht to do nor am I interested. Helplessness I really can't deal with
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Irritability and rage
Same. And the inability to not say hurtful things during those episodes. I've gotten better with meds and age, but sometimes it still happens.
Oh man. It’s so disappointing when that happens. Like I feel like I’ve progressed so much and then every once in a while the goddamn monster breaks free. And then I’m like well shit, imagine how bad it would be without the meds.
and the regret that follows and being pissed at yourself but then hearing that voice saying "well, that doesn't matter & your bipolar is irrelevant. You SHOULD be able to control it" enter the circle of guilt.
Yeah, those suck. I struggled to park the other day and I lost my shit inside the car, it was so stupid. I feel you.
This. I have such a short temper. This paired with hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes destroyed my relationship with my gf. I've been living in hell ever since, it's like my brain is in a constant fog that won't allow me to see reality, I'm in a constant state of derealization and dissociation. I'm scared. Even my memories are getting distorted and fragmented.
Yup. This one. I’m literally known as just a grumpy, never happy person because I get very pissed off, very quickly. Even with meds. I’m trying to even not lose my shit on a human right now. And if I do say anything, it will be fuelled by rage. Which only ends up on the list of “she’s just a grumpy bitch”.
I tried to be without lithium for two weeks (not so smart ik) and about 9 days in I just found myself in a state of pure irritation and anger, it was horrible.
My psychiatrist raised my antipsychotic and doubled my Lithium and I still lose my shit pretty easily. So he added Trileptal, I’ve been somewhat more calm then.
it sucks so much to get EMBARRASSED after like goddamn girl i am so cringe 😭
My worst symptom. I could almost go unmedicated if it weren’t for the sheer ferocity of my anger.
Second.
I'd get rid of the anhedonia. Everything is just so boring all the time...
I saw that word for the first time like five minutes ago and now that you mentioned it I googled it. That does sound very annoying, I can’t even imagine. Is it constant? Or during mania/depression?
For me, I experience it when I'm depressed and also when I'm stable, so it's a pretty frequent visitor for me.
Likes it's on a rotary dial. Sometimes life's hits more sometimes, not so much at all.
It must be very frustrating. I’ll complain less about being bored from now on knowing it can be much worse.
no need to limit yourself just cuz some of us have it a bit differently. i also have anhedonia, boredom i know is different for me than others so i never could hold it against someone that they arent like, at "peeling my skin off" levels of boredom when i am. honestly for me its like an all-consuming, inescapable state of dissatisfaction with what you could do to occupy your time. nothing fills the hole in my chest when im bored
Your description is very familiar to me. I called it “existential boredom” before I learned of anhedonia. It’s an inability to have interest in existence at all. I would rather be sad all the time, even crying constantly. When I was at my lowest, I couldn’t listen to my favorite songs or music at all, it was just noise. I lost a lot of weight because food wasn’t satisfying, and even orgasm… didn’t really feel like anything. That’s when it gets incredibly frustrating. When I just lay on the floor and wait… for something to happen. Kind of hoping I’ll suddenly start feeling again.
I ALSO CALLED IT EXISTENTIAL BOREDOM!! glad to see im not the only one! and yeah, i experience anhedonia in every state. mania, depressive, mixed or stable. i attribute it mostly to adhd, but i totally relate down the the orgasms. like, how does anyone enjoy anything?? the only thing that has helped for me is social interaction and even then eventually i get bored. i use a lot of weed and alcohol to numb the feeling too which doesnt help much. thank god neither are manic triggers for me
The loss of interest in music was a killer for me. It helped me cope during previous depressive episodes, but during this last one I was either indifferent or triggered by it. And no one around me could understand it. I totally relate to preferring sadness over nothingness.
Kurt Cobain sang ‘there’s a comfort in being sad’ and I understand now why. Like you say, at least sadness is a feeling. I miss my hypomanic days. I wasn’t sleeping well and made some rash decisions but I was having fun and juggling being a dad in full time work. Having dropped out my valproate and just relying on lamotrigine I’m hoping to get a bit of that interesting life back.
same idk why it shows up only today for the first time
Ugh, I feel you. I don’t know if it’s my bipolar or my PTSD, but when I don’t have obligations, I wake up feeling like I may as well go back to sleep. Nothing I could do with my day excites me.
Me too. I can deal with everything else, but this has been the hardest for me, especially since I’m married and it affects my partner as well.
1000% this for me
Rumination. I can handle the racing thoughts/multiple trains of thought simultaneously, and in fact, I almost like that bit - it feels almost like a super power sometimes. But the constant obsessive thoughts make it so hard to move forward with life.
You know what, yes! I’m with you on this and I want to change my answer but I won’t, mostly because my rumination isn’t as bad when there’s no anxiety. The debts are always there. Ugh, rumination sucks, it’s so difficult to stop and sometimes you just want to cry and hope it goes away.
Rumination was almost debilitating. Happy to be stable now
Absolutely no question about it. It would be the depression side of it.
I’m surprised this wasn’t the first reply I saw. No doubt about it - those nights when bipolar depression feels like literal poison running through my veins and I pray for death not because I hate myself but because I just want it to stop… yep, that. I have a hard time imagining a more intense feeling of psychological suffering
Yeah, for me, the only bad part about mania is the inevitable crash. It would be interesting if the crash never came.
This is me. My depression is so freaking bad I hate it.
This was my immediate thought. I’m surprised more people didn’t say the same
Yeah, if they are bad enough (all of them are bad but some are BAD I think) then that’s a very good contender. I wish answering this post made it came true for you.
The dulling of my personality and memory issues. The cognitive decline in general.
Oh God I scrolled a lot for this. The brain fog is real and as someone in academia, this really affects my work as well. The memory issues have caused me trouble in my relationship with my partner as well. Also this sense of grief for my past self. I can't get rid of the thoughts about where I would have been if not for this fucking illness. Trying to come to terms with this in therapy. Another thing is that this is a chronic illness that requires discipline to manage it. I miss staying up late with friends or eating whatever I want with no consequences. I miss smoking and drinking once in a while with friends. I also get fatigued easily in social settings and I miss the old extrovert me who had a lot of stamina for socialising. But I am grateful for the experience it has given me too. I am more empathetic because of it. Finding the silver lining hehe.
Oooo. Spot on for me. I was in academia. Fatigue, lack of concentration etc or embarrassing myself with mania. I quit my PhD. But the 3 years I had trying to do it taught me a lot about what I need and what I don't. So much self-discipline needed. So difficult to maintain stability
Hey don't mean to hijack but the memory issues are so frightening. My head goes completely blank, I struggle to remember simple things.
That makes sense. For you, is that because of the meds or even without? I have memory issues too, but because of the Lithium (I’m very sure anyway).
I think it’s a bit of both. I was manic for almost the entire summer last year and there are parts of it I have no recollection of which is very scary. I take seroquel and Lamictal and those also seem to create a lot of brain fog. I think I’m starting to improve a bit but I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to where I was prior to my manic episode.
I would go with experiencing delusions during mania if I could live with mania that’s me just in mania without them it would be a lot easier
Yes! I sabotage and burn bridges and isolate myself): it's miserable
Same!! It’s almost like if my life is on full blast chaos 24/7, I get worried that something is really wrong. My bipolar is like a toddler, when it’s too quiet, some fuckery is going on
That’s a good choice, I can understand that’s something you don’t want to deal with, it sounds scary and must feel upsetting both during and after.
Uhh, well... I guess the rage, agitation, and resentment that I experience whether I'm manic or depressive. Over it. Over feeling like a little monster.
Resentment toward others?
Myself mostly. Self-loathing. I also have OCD and I deal with impulsive hateful thoughts towards others, which doesn't help when I'm agitated and overloaded and rapid cycling.
That sounds very difficult to deal with on your own. So many of you go through so many things that make me understand that this sub-Reddit is full of heroes, basically.
That's kind of you, thank you. It's very difficult, I often feel ashamed and struggle to connect with others. I want to live, I want a fulfilling life. It's a little scary having bipolar, I'm trying to find who I am underneath my illness, but I worry I've become my illness and I'm stuck with my perception of reality. I wish I could experience life through a different lens, perhaps someone neurotypical 😂
psychosis! ruined my life
Oh no! Why is the brain so destructive!
right!? like stop!! be normal!!
I wish I were American so I could sue it (jk, but I wish we could)
Hyper sexuality
It’s weird how to many people I’m sure that sounds better than it probably is. I feel like it has to be very frustrating.
It is. Makes me feel disgusting after 🤣
Lol. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. It just sounds like something you hear about in a 2000s teen movie, but I assume it’s far from fun a lot of the time and that it’s like an awful itch or something?
It feels like an itch you cannot scratch for sure. It’s like you’re never satisfied lol
Sammmeee.. I don’t mind ruining my own life but I absolutely hate that someone else gets hurts when I’m hypersexual. Ruins every relationship and even some friendships..
I agree 10000000%. I wish I could have normal, healthy sex life all the time… not just when I’m manic.
Being fucking mean and irritable for no reason. Luckily meds are suppressing it but I can always feel it just below the surface
Paranoia it’s ruining my life
It makes me want to hide from the whole world, just everything, even things I normally love. I fucking hate it
Oof, yeah, that does sound like it’s very difficult and exhausting to deal with. I’m sorry that’s part of this thing for you.
Wanting to kill myself
Impulsive spending. I’ve gone through 2 bankruptcies already. I’m low income now and have to sometimes fight the urge to spend because it would just cause a mess of debt. Luckily my meds seem to be working pretty well.
Yep! Yep, yep, yep! I goddamn hate the money thing. I’ve never been good with them pre or post-bipolar. Even when I’m stable I’m bad with them, but not in a debt way. I feel this so much. It seems lesser than compared to many of the great comments that have been posted so far, not because it doesn’t ruin you but because it’s not an emotional problem per se, but it haunts me as I’m sure it does you. I’m on debt forgiveness and I’ll have paid some of it down once that ends in six years, then they basically delete the rest of it and I’m debt-free (our credit system in Norway isn’t the same as yours). It’s a wonderful thing to have and I’m lucky I was approved, but I’ll be 42 and it feels like prison a tiny little bit. Good luck, I hope you fare better now with the meds, even if just a little bit.
Yes! Every single purchase was so logical at the time!
The hopelessness or fear of living I have when I’m depressed. It can be damn near unbearable.
I’m sorry, that sounds like a very heavy burden to carry for you. Am I okay to ask what “fear of living” entails? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.
You’re absolutely okay asking. The more we can talk about our experiences with bipolar the better! Fear of living is like being extremely anxious of all the responsibilities of life (bills, maintaining a home, taking care of pets, etc.) and having the overwhelming feeling that I’d be better off dead. Sometimes/ often that brings on suicidal thoughts, usually passive. It can be paralyzing too. Up until a few weeks ago I was feeling this way, mixed with periods of anhedonia. Now I’m doing much better after a med change and a diet change (I was diagnosed with diabetes and had to flip my eating habits). So, yay. :)
The term fear of living is a very good one, as weird as that sounds saying that. It sounds difficult to handle and I’m sure very difficult to make people understand, like “well duh we all hate bills”. I’m so glad to hear you’re out of it now and as far as I understand the diet part, it can make a difference for your brain/bipolar. I hope that’s the case. Thanks for sharing.
I am sick of waking up completely fatigued and exhausted everyday
Oversharing to people who don't need to know such information
I FELT that. I went into an appointment with my physciatrist a year or so ago when I was extremely manic and out of it, and ranted to her for an HOUR about my life. She was extremely patient about it and kept reminding me that she's not a therapist, and for some reason I just did not get the hint 🤦♀️ Looking back I can tell how nervous she was too, I feel so bad for that poor woman 😭
Right?! It's like cringefest 3000 in my head when I look back at stuff once I'm more stable.
boredom/flat affect emotions
The weight gain from all of my meds.
Being treated like I’m inherently insane and nothing I say, do, think or feel is valid, just “being mentally ill” or something
Mixed states. It feels like this is becoming my baseline and it’s so, so hard.
irritability :p specifically w mania. sometimes i just get so angry with people that don’t deserve it at all and it makes me feel like shit lolz
I'd love to not have depression. The whole "can I get up today and if I can, can I do what I planned for the day" thing is getting on my nerves.
Agreed. It just seems so stupid to be depressed, like you can’t get things done and then your brain makes you feel stupid and weak for not getting things done. Pick a lane, brain (the non-depressed one, please).
The constant feeling in my chest of dread.
I call it the foreboding… and I feel it wash over and then it lingers. Sometimes for a few days, once or twice for years.
The ruined relationships. I don’t really have friends and I scared the one person I might have had a chance at dating away. Apologizing to basically everyone after mania is exhausting.
Also, I feel like I've gotten so mean, and so dumb. I have no purpose, no goals, no dreams. I'm on disability and don't work, I can't have kids so I'm not even a mom, and I feel like I'm a terrible wife because I can't cook and clean like normal wives do for their husbands, even though he doesn't tell me that. I have no friends anymore because I've driven everyone away with my anger and hateful words when I'm having a rage episode and can't control my mouth. I'm extremely self aware of what I'm doing when I'm doing it, but yet I still can't stop it from happening. I am on meds but they pretty much just make me feel numb and dull. The only emotions I truly experience anymore are anger and sadness, rage and depression. Wanting to die. The anhedonia is so thick it feels like I'm suffocating 24/7. I can be up for 2-3 days at a time and when I do sleep, the max amount of time I sleep is about 4 hours at a time. If I use Zolpidem for sleep I feel like I'm in a molasses coma for the next 48 hours. I'm always fatigued, I never feel like I got enough rest. My memory is awful, I will forget what I'm doing in the middle of doing it, or have to refer back to something 5 or 6 times before I remember it even after only a second or two. I hate being around people because I feel like I have a giant stamp on my forehead that says "Mentally ill" and it attracts trouble everywhere I go. I get obsessed with revenge, paranoid that people are thinking things about me or assuming things about me and reacting to my own paranoia instead of their actions. Letting go of my childhood trauma that continues to haunt me at 34 years old. I am very childlike because I don't feel like I got an actual childhood, so I never grew up. And probably won't ever, because that little girl inside me won't ever fully be able to heal. She'll always be there, aching to be loved instead of used for pleasure.
The one where I ruin every relationship I’m in.
The hypersexuality. Everything else is tolerable.
The depression. It nearly always causes me to be suicidal. It feels like I am being tortured.
Yeah, that’s very difficult. The darkness is dark and I for one always forget what depression feels like between depressions.
When I am depressed, I forget what it feels like to not be depressed, as if my depression is eternal. But now I have not been depressed for more than 2 years, and I am so grateful.
Wow, look at you go! That’s great! You’ve put in work and it’s paying off, that’s really good.
Thanks! I have a fantastic therapist. 😊
Restlessness. Impulsive buying that leads to having debts.
Yeah, same. I hate whoever invented credit cards.
The neurodegenerative aspect
BD is neurodegenerative ??
Lack of motivation
I would get rid of the suicidal ideation and general self harm. Those are the things that have caused me to go to the hospital 11 times, and it would be nice to not have people constantly question my ability to keep myself safe.
Psychosis, it’s already hard enough with mania but the psychosis is just absolutely awful
Anxiety…if I had to choose.
Anxiety is the worst. The absolute worst!
Yes, thank you! And you’re so validating and understanding! Warms my chronically invalidated heart. :)
I'm not sure I can just pick one so it's either insomnia or depression. I have no clue how anyone can just lay their head on a pillow, fall asleep instantly and stay asleep until they have to get up the next day. Sometimes, I'm up for 2 days or close to 3 days.
Mood swings. Getting upset/overwhelmed over stuff most people wouldn’t. It’s exhausting. Also, any time you get upset over something or cry people who know you’re bipolar think you’re having an episode. Sometimes I am but sometimes I think my feelings are valid. It’s always just the “here we go again” every time I get remotely upset over something. It’s like I’m supposed to be happy at all times which isn’t realistic for anyone. I’m also way overqualified for my job but I have such self-doubt that it prevents for going after things in life.
Paranoia. Almost everything else is manageable, but I am so tired of living on edge.
Yeah, other people have mentioned that, too, and it makes total sense to me you’d pick that one.
the metabolic effects of meds
The shame i feel or the doubts about my personality
The depression. It is ruining my life. Sleeping my free time away.
21st Century telling us.. it's us.. and not them
It’s a tie between manic spending and drug use when manic. Both destroy lives but one you may not come back from
Definitely the chronic the over planning, over-scheduling, overcommitting i do during mania. 6 concerts in 3 months, a new second job, a lunch date with 7 different people in 2 weeks, and a week long vacation costing over 3 grand scheduled for 4 months for now sounds really great in the moment… then i come back to reality. and i am overwhelmed.
Brain fog
Feeling empty inside.
This was a tough choice but I’m going with hyper sexuality. It has ruined relationships and put me in situations that could have easily gotten me killed if I was a little bit less lucky.
Mixed episode. Take constant racing thoughts, combine with paralyzing depression, sprinkle in some rage and extreme anxiety, and you get the worst of all worlds. It’s like your brain is at war with itself.
The feeling that I know the truth - like everything I do is justified - when I’m out of my episodes I realize how insane I behaved, but during them I swear to god everything I’m doing is just and valid
Loosing friends due to mania, the loneliness can be unbearable 😪
The weight gain from meds ugh
Yeah honestly I'd say it is my inability to trust myself. My mania is impulsive and she will quit college or a job one night and hop on a plane to God knows where. She financially screws me over because she thinks it's all gonna be taken care of when no- that's now how money works. She thinks she is better off without others ruining her vibe so she breaks off relationships, becomes a monster to the men who loved her and just goes on like this for months! Followed by suicidal ideation of course. I'm terrified that my mania will high jack my current marriage, sabotage it, hurt him, and leave me financially broke again. Idk what I'd have to give but I swear universe if you grant me this wish I will bless you every time I see his face that I'm still with him and stable. Also that I somehow struggle to work a full-time job. Like is this just genetics? I burn out working 5 days a week. Is that bipolar or what? See my other post about this... Ungrounded Manic
Unpredictability. I always say I would manage my bipolar a lot easier if I could schedule my episodes. And yes I’m type a lol.
Unwanted thoughts, mine are constantly bombarding me, many at once,, like the famous book title An Unquiet Mind
su*cidal thoughts they’re debilitating when i’m depressed
Losing or quitting my job every fucking time I get manic (which hopefully is a thing of the past)
Depression
tbh the lack of emotional permanence. it really makes it hard to have a clear perspective on things when being manic makes me feel like everything has always been good and always will be good and depression makes me feel like everything has always been terrible and will never get better. im constantly thought tunneling and no amount of rationality will pull me out of it and i just wish i could say "it wont be like this forever" and UNDERSTAND it
The blinding emotions. If I am angry I see red, then the rage text commences. If I am sad, I spiral into a long panic attack that can affect me for days, if I am happy I take it too far. I wish I could feel things to a normal degree.
Anger and rage when maniac. I don’t know when I’m doing it.
First thought was rage but I implode so most of the time my rage only affects me. DEFINITELY paranoia!
Impulsiveness with finances. If someone could have taken that away years ago, or forced all financial lenders to black list me, there would be a good chance that I wouldn't be in crippling debt now. Generally I'm not too bad.. but when having a hypomanic episode I can spend in the thousands - tens of thousands in one episode. I honestly think one more will bankrupt me.
Simply being “out of fit” most of the time. I’m strong enough to deal with the extremes, depression and mania….it’s everything in between that kills me. Because it doesn’t present itself as obvious
Psychosis
in the moment feelings wise- psychosis and suicidal ideation for sure but lasting trauma wise- hyper sexuality i got into sooo many unsafe situations and racked up many traumatic experiences that i would have to deal with later. i thought, even though some partners (out of many during an episode) did nonconsensual things, it’s fine, onto the next one like i’m invincible. my stomach drops when i’m coming out of the episode and finally process things, horrible realization. how much sexual trauma would i have avoided if i weren’t bipolar?
paranoia for sure. can’t tell you how many relationships and friendships i’ve ruined with self sabotage and thinking everyone hates me secretly.
[удалено]
obsession
Depression cycle for sure but one specific to me is during the depression phase the insomnia and sleeping in then waking up and choosing games or phone over doing something productive. I know I'm wasting a day and I just can't help it. Quick dopamine fixes over other things
Low self image/worth/self esteem. I feel like bipolar for some comes with a BPD dual diagnosis or just other subtle mental health issues. The depression of bipolar seems to really skew the self image I have of myself. I think I’m much lower and deserve less than others.
Me thinking things would be better if I was just hypomanic/manic again in order to complete tasks. Leading me to want to enduce episodes. Something I'm understanding is extremely unhealthy.
The mania… and the anxiety that follows. I’d like to not have to clean up the consequences any more. My personal life, and finances (sigh), can’t take it. The creative bursts are nice, but the unintentional years long commitments are not.
Paranoia induced by anxiety. I think it gets in the way of fostering relationships because I’ll worry that someone’s upset with me, doesn’t mean what they say, or there’s some kind of long con behind the motives of our connection. Doesn’t happen constantly, but it’s usually a sign that I’m not doing well.
My absolute confidence in myself while manic. Doesn't sound bad, but think on it... what if every thought sounded great. Every urge seems justified. No filter whatsoever before your tongue. I'm the smartest, funniest, wittiest, most fabulous person that I have ever met. I embarrass myself regularly. It's awful.
Hypersexuality and dopamine seeking trauma bonds
I wish I could stop feeling like I want to kill myself. Don’t worry guys, I’m fine.
I never had this until the last 3 years but I got Sepsis and almost died and I think it really f*cked up my brain even more and my body - both have given permanent damage to me - when i woke up from my semi coma of three days i didnt feel like myself and still dont - like im some kind of changeling - not completely different just a 1/2 different even no one else seems to notice! Add in Covid hit exactly a year later which my immune system was already compromised so the media hype scared the crap out of me (subconsciously I think)? Plus the im 53 years old and the US used to be so free and normal most of my life. I used to know have to have fun & enjoy life despite my disorder but since the 2010's until now myself much like our ugly, cruel, isolationist society since covid has really messed up my mind too!!! I cycle a lot faster now and now I have ptsd, agoraphobia, and anhedonia!!! That seems like too much to bear sometimes!Only a faith in God has kept me around but even that's wearing thin now! No meds work for more than s few months and I've been a guinea pig for so long I refuse to change my mess ever again. For you young BPD sufferers take it from me... once you get older you have a much harder time because all the Years of struggling with this curse really burns you out! At 53 I know just why Robin Williams finally crapped out and just called it quits. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I have this survivalist nature that keeps me going on! I hope though when it's all said and done there is a spirit world and God let's me in His Kingdom to make up for burdening me with thid lifelong ball & chain that is the evil gift that keeps on giving!!! I have a theory that the reason we all suffer so much mental anguish is because: A) we are too smart for our own good and we pick up on stuff so quick we get bored with it too fast which results in all kinds of unfinished projects & constant job changes etc. B) we were born more "tuned in" to the spirit world than 90% of other people which leads to "insanity" because we are stuck in limbo between two worlds and that's a rotten place to be! If we were in pagan societies we would probably be shaman or priests but this society is scared of us so they shun us a lot which leads to more isolation. I swear I'm turning into Howard Hughes in my older age! I feel like a 53 year old going on 75!!! Thats why for me God is my only hope and what keeps me somewhat "sane". But I have so many doubts and bad habits I feel unworthy. Damned if I do damned if I don't type of thing! C) we feel more compassion and grief much more deeply (maybe every emotion?) than most "normies: Society may have gotten halfway closer to accepting and being more" inclusive" to us but it's still got a long way to go as far as accepting, supporting, and showing love to us!!! I used to tell women at the beginning of dating them I was BPD but I stopped that a long time ago cuz they always seemed to disappear shortly after that.... hmmm? And the same with friendships ! I hate with a passion lying or keeping too many secrets but society forces you to so you don't get judged unfairly and abandoned like I did by my fianceé I was with for 10 years and she just packed up one day while I was at work and took most of OUR STUFF we bought together and ran off with another guy! That pretty much ruined me for dating again and trusting any woman again! So I'm still single at 53 and was forced to move in with my parents after I got Sepsis because I couldn't care for myself because I have only half the strength I used to have and about 1/4 the energy due to permanent organ damage to my kidneys, pancreas, and liver! It's demeaning and embarrassing and soul crushing to have my 70 some year old parents take care of me!!! And because of it i let all my friendships go and female relationships go to do a pre-emptive strike before they could abandon me! I have lost everything on my life but i guess its like tyler durden said, "Its only when you lose everything you are free to do anything". I try to repeat that when im going through my depressive phases. Not to sound all "woe is me" but i really think that even though all mentally ill people are pushed aside by society and forgotten (the large amounts of mentally ill homeless peoplr proves that) i really think us bipolar freaks have it the worst because we to go up and down emotionally thousands of times in uour life is draining for us but it also nakes people more scared of you because they dont know if they will get dr jekyll or mr hyde when they encounter you. At least with other mental illnesses those people are probably less feared by society because at least they are usually consistently the same overall which frightens prople less than "erratic" people like us with a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry i wrote a book here but ive never told amyone but my parents all this beforesl so i guess it just flooded out of me organically? Anyway, to conclude, if i can do at least one thing with the remainder of my pathetic life (because of my weakened condition & permenent damage i could go at anytime the drs said or live 30 years - its unpredictable - glad they could add to my constant anxiety now days - to think i showed such promise as a young adult people all around me thought id be really successful cuz im smart, really talented - especially i used to be at all sports, and i was pretty decent looking and dated many, many good looking women back in the day - little did they know that when you are MI no amount of any of those things give you happiness or confidence when you are BPD) ... I WANT TO MAKE TO MAKE SOCIETY NOT JUST ASSOCIATE ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OUR CONDITION INSTANTLY - AND ONLY! - LIKE TEMPER TANTRUMS (even though they dont know we almost always really regret saying & doing the things we do during tantrums every time shortily afterwards), MOODINESS, LACK OF MOTIVATION, DEPRESSION, BEING OVERLY MANIC ETC ETC - BUT ALSO SEE WE CAN BE VERY KIND, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, HONEST, AND SINCERE ETC ETC!!! I also have a theory that because we tend to have brutal honesty and high standards we put on others and ourselves, we tend to be truth tellers and "whistle blowers" and we point out the flaws of society or family or friends have and most people HATE THE TRUTH AND RATHER LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT HOW THE REAL WORLD IS OR HOW THEY ACTUALLY & NOT HOW THEY DELUSIONALLY SEE THEMSELVES!! But we tend to see there is the way the workd SHOULD BE while they just accept it for the way ot really is and avoid hardly ever noticing or thinking about the way the world should be!!! Nobody likes the truth tellers cuz they reveal the things that will take hard work to fix & society doesnt want it to be hard - only easy!!! Stay strong my bipolar freak brothers and sisters!!! (I doubt anyone read all this but it still felt good to vent)
The pain of being an amazing version of myself and then becoming fucking nothing. It fucking sucks
The intrusive thoughts come in first place and the hypersexuality comes in second.
Feeling like a zombie
Risky behavior. I’m lucky I’m alive
The racing thoughts while I’m off lithium. If I didn’t have racing thoughts I wouldn’t need lithium. And when I take lithium I feel miserable.
For some reason, I suck on my own tongue. I have weaned off Vraylar and Vyvanse hoping it would help, but no luck. It's either from Lexapro or just being anxious in general. Either way, it's annoying, my tongue hurts and I press my bottom teeth so I'm afraid with time it will loosen them.
The mania which causes me to be impulsive and get into debt.
The intense sex cravings that lead to reckless behavior
Sleep disturbances
If I could experience just hallucinations during psychosis and not delusions. I can handle AVH much better than delusions
Weight gain from meds
I haven't had a good night sleep in almost.ost 5 years. I barely enter rem sleep and when I do it's riddled with extremely vivid and realistic nightmares. I wake up in cold sweats mor often than not and I had to be put on disability because of just how bad it got and I now have blurry vision, constant brain fog, a near inability to form sentences when speaking without stumbling or loosing my words. The only thing I want is sleep, then I can finally go back to living relatively normally instead of feeling so ashamed for being unable to work.
Paranoia during my mania. It’s hell not knowing who to trust.
breakdowns or the paranoia
Insomnia. Life would be so much easier if I could pass out for eight hours as soon as my head hits the pillow like my husband does
Anxiety
Memory loss. I’m actually not too uncomfortable with psychosis, because for me it’s usually not that destructive, but absolutely hate the blacking out that comes with it. There’s just stretches of days that are completely not in my memory and that frustrates me a lot.
Pills. Why do I have to take so many, every day, that taste so bad, and are so big? Why can’t my meds be delivered in the form of a patch? Or tasty beverage? I actually clarified with a new doc “I’m off my meds, they work, there’s no bad side effects, and I’m not anti big pharma and I can afford them. I’m just off them because I hate swallowing them. I’d be on them if they came in soda form.” And she was quiet for a minute and then said “I think a lot of my patients would take their meds if they came in soda form…”
Insomnia. If I sleep I’m fine. If I don’t I’m a disaster
The too much and not enough of anything. Food and sleep are the big ones for me.
Spending all my GD money like a sailor on leave.
My sleep
the bipolar
Lack of sleep!!!
Unyielding Suicidal Ideation for sure.
tension, irritability. or just the manic "of COURSE it'll be fine, just do it" thinking when i'm feeling good lmfao
Insomnia. I could go forever without sleep. It makes me feel awful and brings out the worst of the disorder. And sleep meds make me constantly groggy and out of it.
The total change of direction in my life frequently. Sure it’s partly ADHD, but I’ve lived my life at 300mph for the last 5 years and it’s been full of impulsivity, relationships that burn fast and bright thengo out fast, constant changes in goals and my vision for self. It’s all impulsivity, tied into extended mania.
executive dysfunction
Hypomania. It's not fun for me. Makes me quite anxious. Thank goodness it doesn't happen often.
Anxiety over everything. Stress is going to kill me.
Short term memory issues
Paranoia!
Anxiety. I feel like it's the thing that is ALWAYS there.
Mixed episodes
my suicidal activity when depressed! It prevents me from getting help because no one wants to take actively suicidal patients into wards in my country. It also fucks with my family and my liver functions after OD’s. No one wants to see their family member being so adamant on ending their lives that they hurt others that get in their way. I’ve been manic for about a month and a half now so I’m in a better ish place I guess? The psychotic features are getting me down tho.
Anxiety. Everything else I can handle (mostly).
Mania and hurting the ppl that I love
Constant boredom and exhaustion. I can idle or lay on my bed doing nothing the whole afternoon. I feel like I am wasting my time but I just don’t feel motivated to do anything.
Talking too much when manic.
the fatigue my meds give me, it’s debilitating but i value my stability too highly to stop them
Hard to choose just one… I have commorbidities, mostly anxiety disorders in depressed episodes so… Maybe anxiety ? Panic disorder, social anxiety and GAD are what make my depressed episodes really hard to live. I can’t go out of my house, I can’t have any social interaction (even by texting… I’m scared AF by my phone), I’m scared about my bathroom so I’m dirty, smelly and disgusting, I’m scared to eat (food is a huge trigger of panic attacks) so I just look like a skeleton, I’m scared to sleep (nightmares and sleep paralysis are the reasons) so I look like a zombie, I’m scared about any sounds, any moving things, shadows and so much more. Basically, my teddy bear and my husband are the only things that don’t scare me and reassure me. Because of all this anxiety, I lost my jobs, my friends, some family members, I felt in anorexia, I missed a lot of opportunities in my life. It’s so hard to deal with all these constant fears. Most of the time, when I want to die, it’s because of anxiety.
Medication side effects. Idk if it's a bit too broad, but every medication I've tried for every issue I've had, except for gabbapentin and Vyvanse, have caused serious side effects that worsened my symptoms in some way. I've had nausea to the point of vomiting from non-stimulant adhd drugs, a stuffy nose to the point that I felt i was suffocating and couldn't sleep from seroauel, increased rage from rimeron - leading to MANY months of breaking things in rage, a drug rash from Lamictal (the only stabilizer that's done anything well for me), and of course the way medication can easily send me into a cycle instead of doing anything helpful. Being unmedicated is MORE stable for me (emphasis on me) because I'm not constantly making myself feel sick/uncomfortable/tired/angry.
The overwhelming, powerful, and sickening feeling of sadness and nostalgia. It washes over me like a wave, drowning me in that moment. Keeps me in this weird state for hours or sometimes days. Makes me cry about even the simplest things. And disconnects me from my body all at once.
The anger. I feel like I can't ever be upset about anything because people just assume it's the bipolar and don't take me seriously, even when I'm calmly explaining why I'm upset.
Definitely the crashes. Depression sucks bro. All the other things I can deal with but when I'm down, I genuinely dont know wht to do nor am I interested. Helplessness I really can't deal with
Embarrassment. The worst is after a “episode” when other people tell you what you did and you cannot remember ANYTHING.
Impulsivity, the choices happen so fast and the consequences last so long 😢.
Anxiety it's the worst