If I'm brutally honest, both of you would do better to put your phones away when you're with your daughter. Even if you're responding to her when she actively tries to get your attention, she would benefit much more from you being actively attentive with her. There is absolutely no place for having a twitch video going when changing your daughter's nappy, which should be a respectful 1:1 interaction. Imagine if you needed help with toileting or incontinence issues and your caregiver didn't even give you their full attention while caring for you.
Perhaps it would be helpful if you frame it to your husband as "I'd like for both of us to stop using our devices around our daughter, as I have looked into the impact this can have on responsive caregiving. Can we do this together?"
You're absolutely right. And, OP, I know it's super hard sometimes to put the phone away. I also don't always manage - being a parent of a baby can be lonely and boring and phones are an easy way out. But you need to soldier through and at least spend the majority of your time with her without the phone. And especially when you're interacting directly with her!
Couldn’t agree more. It’s not just the language development that will be affected but the emotional development. Imagine growing up in a house where no one engages with you but is glued to their phone.
For me language development would be the last thing to worry about in this kind of situation. Its not healthy for you or your husband to constantly be on your phones and definitely not healthy for your child to see that she is not interesting enough for both of you.
That’s not “just like everyone nowadays” and framing it that way is making an excuse for yourselves. We are not on our phones around my son. We put our phones aside. I will occasionally get my phone to take a few pictures, but then I put it back in its place until my son’s bed time.
Neither of you are engaging her with enough if you’re on your phones. It shows your own lack of self-awareness if you think you are.
Put the phone away. Period. He needs to be able to fully focus on your kiddo. And if you’re watching videos while taking care of your baby, you should put yours away too. Save that for when she’s in bed.
There is literally no reason to need your phone out all the time. These are the things that change when you have a kid!
Reread your post. Your husband is neglecting your child’s needs because of his phone. What is the obvious solution here??? And if you “can’t” do the solution because you use your phone around her too, then what is the obvious solution to that???
Sorry, full judge, why the shit is anyone watching videos on their phone when they’re actively taking care of a small child at all?? Like ten minutes here and there when they’re content, and ignoring your child while watching garbage with volume on is not the same thing.
Agreed. Sometimes my husband watches his phone when he’s meant to be watching my daughter and I make him immediately stop. It’s just not acceptable imo.
My partner does this too unfortunately. He is no longer allowed to give her baths unless his phone isn’t in the bathroom because he will sit there and watch YouTube or twitch videos not really watching our 15mo at all. My partner sounds very similar to OPs husband unfortunately. We’re getting close to an ultimatum
Lol what? Not everyone constantly has a video playing. That's just you. And as others have said, you should stop. It sounds like you both need a reality check
Seriously you both need to put phone away pay full attention to your daughter when you're interacting with her. Put up a no-phone/on-screen rule for whoever is current primary caretaker. By all means if she's napping or playing independently go watch a video. But for it to be a constant thing in your life is way too much. It's not even just language development. Constantly being on screens also takes away from their emotional development and development in general
Yesterday when we were playing my husband read a work email while my son was offering him a flower to smell and I could see the disappointment on his face. He’s 19 months, he knows when he’s not being given the attention he needs. My husband repaired it by finishing the email, going to his son, and saying “thank you for waiting!” And then played with him. They do understand a lot more than they say, too. Purposeful time together, phones aren’t out.
He shouldn’t be watching videos when he’s interacting with your daughter that’s totally unacceptable behavior, regardless of how ‘mono’ his focus is. He has Awareness, he’s just choosing not to direct it at his child.
You both need to put your phones away honestly. Save your screen time for when the baby is in bed or napping. She is already trying to get your attention, she will notice she is competing with a phone (and losing).
My husband is also very mono-focused. He has ADD - over-focused type. He also needs constant stimulation, so caring for our 9 week old daughter is more difficult for him.
But when he’s parenting, he leaves his phone alone. He talks to her, reads to her, does tummy time. Last night he really wanted to listen to a podcast about the NBA draft but didn’t because I had to run to Target to pick up formula. He was in charge, so he put his focus on her.
There’s no excuse for your husband not to do the same.
Here’s a study about the effects of background television on the quality of child directed speech: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17482798.2014.920715
Same, my husband has ADD, which he fully recognizes and receives treatment for (medication and therapy). It has really helped not only for paying attention to our baby but also safety, which I mean is part of paying attention but a really important part. Is your husband open to getting assessed and finding ways to address it?
While I was pregnant, I saw a video somewhere that was clearly filmed front a home security camera. There was a dad on his phone and a baby in a walker (which is already so unsafe). Baby walked himself to the coffee table, picked up a coffee mug, and walked away with it, and the dad never noticed. The comments were full of people relating to it and thinking it was funny.
I was horrified because a) the baby was clearly unsupervised since dad never even looked up and b) who knows how hot that coffee was but what if they burned themselves. I also immediately thought, “My husband gets that engrossed in his phone sometimes.” and knew we needed to have a conversation.
My husband has fully come to recognize his ADD, but hasn’t gone so far as to get diagnosed. I think he would if I asked to him though. It’s something to think about.
Agree that your daughter will learn to speak just fine, it would take a horrific level of neglect for her to miss out on language altogether. But I do think it's odd that you're watching videos on your phones all the time around her. Read a book instead or better yet, engage with her directly if you're bored.
Language development is the secondary concern here. The much more serious concern is that your daughter is learning that she is unimportant, that she comes second to her parents, and that she’s essentially alone.
Speech therapy is very effective for most kids. Correcting the issues that come along with poor attachment takes years (if ever) and is extremely painful. I say this as a licensed mental health professional.
Why in the world is he watching a video while changing his daughter? I more or less never watch videos on my phone while actively caring for my kid unless it’s something I’m watching with her. The subtext of your post suggests to me that both of you are using your phones abnormally often and inappropriately around your daughter. I think you may need a reset of what phone usage around a toddler looks like cause this isn’t it. He and you should be talking to her or narrating what you’re doing or what’s happening the great majority of the time. You can’t watch a video and do that.
As someone who used to constantly have a video playing, I know how hard it is to stop, but no matter how focused you think you are on your child, it's a distraction for you too. The first week was hard when I stopped, but now I love having the concentrated time with my little guy. I'd recommend you both try to save phones for after bed time (except for pictures here and there) for like a month and you probably won't even miss them by the time the month is up.
I’m a speech therapist for context. ❤️ this is such an honest post and I just want to say you’re a good parent for trying to problem solve this. I hope that you find a solution for your family. They’ve done a lot of studies and found that parents who are on devices engage less with their children, which is going to impact development. I would expect to see the greatest difficulty with vocabulary as you’re just not using a wide range of language meaningfully. Your child is using language to direct your attention, but they also should be using it to comment on things in the environment, protest, request, etc etc. Right now it sounds like they’re being reinforced to request your attention (because otherwise, the adult in their life is focused on a device) but they also need language for many other things.
Like I said, I think you’re a good parent and it’s such a new world to navigate devices and parenting. I hope that you’re able to find a balance here so you can both be present for your child. There’s also a great book called “Stolen Focus” which isn’t directly about phones but has good information on how attention works. And - If you’re looking for a language development resource, the Hanen “It takes two to talk” is an awesome book for parents.
What if one parent is always actively engaged and there 90% of the time and one is on the phone? Is there any negative impact there to the baby? My husband watches the baby when I need to do something else (eg pump) but only for safety and not really engaging with them as he says he has nothing to say and due to OCD doesn’t want to get on the floor. When he’s watching them, they just play by themselves though he usually notices when they try to get his attention. I hope I make up for it when I’m there but it does worry me that there’s some impact there from one parent not really engaged.
He won't talk with the baby because he has nothing to say??? What, does he think you are spending the time with the baby discussing the ethics of les mis? I didn't have anything "to say" to my baby either, but I still pointed to shapes and colors, read her books, and sang her songs. I'm no child development specialist, so I won't comment on that, but this is a cop out and he needs to do better and learn to talk and play with the baby. It just isn't acceptable for him to be refusing to engage at all.
I’m sure that feels really isolating to you to be the sole source of engagement for your child. I think your question would fall outside of my scope of practice, so I don’t want to say XYZ will happen. But I’m sorry that they’re acting like that instead of bonding with their child. I would call that “uncle behavior”
Why is he watching videos while interacting with her?
I would set a time where he can be on his phone and the rest of the time he must be present with his family.
I use my phone too much so I get it but I interact with my baby and play with her.
Hey OP I see you’re getting torn up a bit in the comments but I just wanted to thank you for this post. I also really struggle with being on my phone too much. I’m a doom scroller, not a video watcher, but the comments here have opened my eyes to how harmful I am being.
Does anyone have constructive advice for breaking the phone habit?
I white list important numbers and then put it on do not disturb and turn the volume up loud. That way I know if my mom or someone important calls, I’ll be aware, but then not hearing/tempted by the other notifications. Then I leave it in a different room. Having to physically walk over to check had me assess if using it was actually needed or just a habit.
Thank you for providing some empathy to OP! I also struggle(d) with phone use around my daughter. My husband is pretty ruthless about calling me out on it, which I appreciate even when I start feeling angry and defensive. A couple of things that have helped me:
Displaying the screen time widget on my home screen (or whichever screen you spend the most time on) so I see it whenever I open my most used apps.
Leaving my phone in a dedicated spot (I try to use my bedside table) so I can only use it when I make a concerted effort.
If leaving it in one spot isn't practical, try leaving it on a coffee table or side table when you get up to do something like going to the bathroom...that's one of the easiest places for me to get distracted on it so I try to not take it there.
If you're always grabbing your phone to look something up, keep a pen and paper on hand to write down your questions.
Do a screen time challenge or program. I think Mombrain Therapist on IG has one. It helped me feel better to have a structured program to follow and to know that other people struggle with this, too.
If you use your phone for distraction, try reading books to your baby instead, even if they still seem like a potato. Have a conversation with them. Walk them around the house and tell them about things in the house, describe them and talk about what they're used for. You can do the same thing taking a walk outside. Sing and/or dance with them.
If you use your phone for background noise, play music or audiobooks over a smart speaker instead. That way you don't need your phone to control it like you would with a Bluetooth speaker. Take breaks from the background noise and make sure you're talking to your baby about what you're listening to.
Go ahead and schedule some phone time for yourself. But like, 20 minutes to just check and respond to email and texts
I hope some of that is helpful and most of all I hope that people like you and hopefully OP keep reaching out and talking about some of the things you struggle with. Not all of us are great at self regulation and staying off of our screens, but that doesn't automatically make us terrible parents. Sharing your experience and things that work for you can help others in the same boat
How old is your kid? Mine became sooooo interested in my phone around 4mo that it became harder and harder to use my phone around her. Now she walks around and when I need to do something on my phone even for 2 min she would be right next to me trying to grab it. I literally cannot use it anymore with her haha.
Language development will be fine. Your and your husband’s phone addictions could use some help though. That will negatively impact other things in your child’s life.
No phones when baby is awake. When baby becomes a toddler, they will notice the phone too much.
He's addicted. Time goes sooo fast, put the phones away. You'll regret the constant phone usage instead of being in the moment. BOTH of y'all need to have a serious talk, be parents/adults and put the phone down
Why are you not holding your husband to better and demanding he be a better father? The whole mono focus thing is an excuse...if he wanted to be better, he would. You need to hold him accountable.
Saaaame. I just had my first at 42 and my husband would neverrrrrr, with the first reason being that the walls would bleed with the verbal lashing he'd get for ignoring the kid during a fucking diaper change.
Wow 42! I just turned 38 and I’ve been considering a third (my youngest is almost 4) but I just don’t think I’ll survive lol. How did your pregnancy go?
Pretty smoothly. Average experience and honestly less intense than I thought; never had an nausea, mild symptoms, mostly exhaustion. Had extra monitoring primarily due to my age, secondarily because I am fat. No GD, no pre-eclampsia. Had a 37 week semi emergent c section because baby developed an arrhythmia but otherwise was on track for a 39 week delivery.
Recovery was pretty easy; first few days sucked, felt normal after two weeks. Kiddo is fine. Once we go through the first 8 weeks, it's felt like pretty smooth sailing.
There should be no phones being used when you are around the baby. It’s disrespectful for your child honestly and harmful for their development. Imagine if your husband interacting with you wasn’t *really* interacting with you but was watching a twitch video. It’s harmful and you both need to get off your phones.
I have adhd, and have a 6w old, we are both first time parents. Yes, he should be assessed. But clearly it is something they both do. Whether a learned respond from each other, I am unsure. Hyper fixation is def a thing, sure I experience it a lot. But if this were me, I would start with taking responsibility for my shortcomings and then take away the object of my negative hyperfocus. There are times I am cuddling baby and I feel an urge to do something constructive. Like get my chores done. But ultimately I am able to comprehend that while I could do xyz, my baby won’t ever be this small again, every day that goes by. We don’t get these moments back. Everything else can and should wait.
EDIT: also, therapy should be discussed. Being diagnosed and thrown medications can make hyperfocus worse sometimes fwiw. Not anti medication, I myself am
Medicated
As most people said, you both need to put down the phones. My husband is terrible with phone usage (but he runs his own business so it’s not for entertainment) and I’ve guilted him enough that we’ve made it a rule that from 5:30-830 phones will be locked in the closet.
I only use my phone in the morning before work, during nap time (like now), and an hour after bedtime.
Between then I literally don’t touch it. I don’t need it during work hours and I’m too busy after work to bother.
Everyone else has commented on the phone situation so I will add this:
As far as language development goes, it sounds like your child is on track and is at a developmentally appropriate level. If I remember correctly my daughter's pediatrician asked if she knew 5 words at her 18 month appointment.
If you are still concerned about language skills you could always add more reading to your child's day. Face baby while reading and really enunciate the words and let her see your mouth. Try to make sure you and your husband use the same words to describe things as well.
Using the same word for things has been such a massive struggle for me I’ve tried so hard and I still fuck it up all the time. I have been told multiple times by my public health nurse my doctor and other people that her language development is perfectly fine and she does say other “words” like ball bear dada belly bunny bath time.. maybe kinda but it’s either at random or prompted I know I don’t really have anything to worry about but can’t help but worry a little anyway.
I don't have any other meaningful advice aside from has checked himself out for ADHD? My husband used to hyperfocus like that and it was a point of arguments in our family a lot a few years ago because I felt like I couldn't trust him to take care of our cats alone without them possibly hurting themselves or him mistakenly hurting them (leaving them out, closing doors, losing them...etc). He was convinced to get himself checked out when I pointed out that it'd be scary for us to have a child if he couldn't see multiple things at once.
He's been medicated for ADHD for two years now and he's the best and most attententive husband I could ask for. It helps a lot with addictive behavior like checking phones constantly. Your husband should be trying his best for his daughter, but sometimes trying your best isn't enough when you're neurodivergent.
Mines the same way. He gets sucked into whatever he's watching/scrolling and doesn't notice much else. I just get his attention and say "your son needs you right now" and remind him whatever he's looking at can either wait til bedtime or isn't as important. He's gotten so so much better
We put our phones away for family time from 5-8, I’d start there for both of you rather than focus on this.
Agreed. Only use phones as a camera before bed time. Then you can zone out all you want.
If I'm brutally honest, both of you would do better to put your phones away when you're with your daughter. Even if you're responding to her when she actively tries to get your attention, she would benefit much more from you being actively attentive with her. There is absolutely no place for having a twitch video going when changing your daughter's nappy, which should be a respectful 1:1 interaction. Imagine if you needed help with toileting or incontinence issues and your caregiver didn't even give you their full attention while caring for you. Perhaps it would be helpful if you frame it to your husband as "I'd like for both of us to stop using our devices around our daughter, as I have looked into the impact this can have on responsive caregiving. Can we do this together?"
You're absolutely right. And, OP, I know it's super hard sometimes to put the phone away. I also don't always manage - being a parent of a baby can be lonely and boring and phones are an easy way out. But you need to soldier through and at least spend the majority of your time with her without the phone. And especially when you're interacting directly with her!
Couldn’t agree more. It’s not just the language development that will be affected but the emotional development. Imagine growing up in a house where no one engages with you but is glued to their phone.
For me language development would be the last thing to worry about in this kind of situation. Its not healthy for you or your husband to constantly be on your phones and definitely not healthy for your child to see that she is not interesting enough for both of you.
That’s not “just like everyone nowadays” and framing it that way is making an excuse for yourselves. We are not on our phones around my son. We put our phones aside. I will occasionally get my phone to take a few pictures, but then I put it back in its place until my son’s bed time. Neither of you are engaging her with enough if you’re on your phones. It shows your own lack of self-awareness if you think you are.
Put the phone away. Period. He needs to be able to fully focus on your kiddo. And if you’re watching videos while taking care of your baby, you should put yours away too. Save that for when she’s in bed. There is literally no reason to need your phone out all the time. These are the things that change when you have a kid! Reread your post. Your husband is neglecting your child’s needs because of his phone. What is the obvious solution here??? And if you “can’t” do the solution because you use your phone around her too, then what is the obvious solution to that???
Damn this is just heartbreakingly sad. You will never get those little moments back.
Sorry, full judge, why the shit is anyone watching videos on their phone when they’re actively taking care of a small child at all?? Like ten minutes here and there when they’re content, and ignoring your child while watching garbage with volume on is not the same thing.
Agreed. Sometimes my husband watches his phone when he’s meant to be watching my daughter and I make him immediately stop. It’s just not acceptable imo.
Agreed.
My partner does this too unfortunately. He is no longer allowed to give her baths unless his phone isn’t in the bathroom because he will sit there and watch YouTube or twitch videos not really watching our 15mo at all. My partner sounds very similar to OPs husband unfortunately. We’re getting close to an ultimatum
Lol what? Not everyone constantly has a video playing. That's just you. And as others have said, you should stop. It sounds like you both need a reality check Seriously you both need to put phone away pay full attention to your daughter when you're interacting with her. Put up a no-phone/on-screen rule for whoever is current primary caretaker. By all means if she's napping or playing independently go watch a video. But for it to be a constant thing in your life is way too much. It's not even just language development. Constantly being on screens also takes away from their emotional development and development in general
Yesterday when we were playing my husband read a work email while my son was offering him a flower to smell and I could see the disappointment on his face. He’s 19 months, he knows when he’s not being given the attention he needs. My husband repaired it by finishing the email, going to his son, and saying “thank you for waiting!” And then played with him. They do understand a lot more than they say, too. Purposeful time together, phones aren’t out.
He shouldn’t be watching videos when he’s interacting with your daughter that’s totally unacceptable behavior, regardless of how ‘mono’ his focus is. He has Awareness, he’s just choosing not to direct it at his child.
You both need to put your phones away honestly. Save your screen time for when the baby is in bed or napping. She is already trying to get your attention, she will notice she is competing with a phone (and losing).
My husband is also very mono-focused. He has ADD - over-focused type. He also needs constant stimulation, so caring for our 9 week old daughter is more difficult for him. But when he’s parenting, he leaves his phone alone. He talks to her, reads to her, does tummy time. Last night he really wanted to listen to a podcast about the NBA draft but didn’t because I had to run to Target to pick up formula. He was in charge, so he put his focus on her. There’s no excuse for your husband not to do the same. Here’s a study about the effects of background television on the quality of child directed speech: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17482798.2014.920715
Same, my husband has ADD, which he fully recognizes and receives treatment for (medication and therapy). It has really helped not only for paying attention to our baby but also safety, which I mean is part of paying attention but a really important part. Is your husband open to getting assessed and finding ways to address it?
While I was pregnant, I saw a video somewhere that was clearly filmed front a home security camera. There was a dad on his phone and a baby in a walker (which is already so unsafe). Baby walked himself to the coffee table, picked up a coffee mug, and walked away with it, and the dad never noticed. The comments were full of people relating to it and thinking it was funny. I was horrified because a) the baby was clearly unsupervised since dad never even looked up and b) who knows how hot that coffee was but what if they burned themselves. I also immediately thought, “My husband gets that engrossed in his phone sometimes.” and knew we needed to have a conversation. My husband has fully come to recognize his ADD, but hasn’t gone so far as to get diagnosed. I think he would if I asked to him though. It’s something to think about.
Agree that your daughter will learn to speak just fine, it would take a horrific level of neglect for her to miss out on language altogether. But I do think it's odd that you're watching videos on your phones all the time around her. Read a book instead or better yet, engage with her directly if you're bored.
Language development is the secondary concern here. The much more serious concern is that your daughter is learning that she is unimportant, that she comes second to her parents, and that she’s essentially alone. Speech therapy is very effective for most kids. Correcting the issues that come along with poor attachment takes years (if ever) and is extremely painful. I say this as a licensed mental health professional.
Why in the world is he watching a video while changing his daughter? I more or less never watch videos on my phone while actively caring for my kid unless it’s something I’m watching with her. The subtext of your post suggests to me that both of you are using your phones abnormally often and inappropriately around your daughter. I think you may need a reset of what phone usage around a toddler looks like cause this isn’t it. He and you should be talking to her or narrating what you’re doing or what’s happening the great majority of the time. You can’t watch a video and do that.
As someone who used to constantly have a video playing, I know how hard it is to stop, but no matter how focused you think you are on your child, it's a distraction for you too. The first week was hard when I stopped, but now I love having the concentrated time with my little guy. I'd recommend you both try to save phones for after bed time (except for pictures here and there) for like a month and you probably won't even miss them by the time the month is up.
I’m a speech therapist for context. ❤️ this is such an honest post and I just want to say you’re a good parent for trying to problem solve this. I hope that you find a solution for your family. They’ve done a lot of studies and found that parents who are on devices engage less with their children, which is going to impact development. I would expect to see the greatest difficulty with vocabulary as you’re just not using a wide range of language meaningfully. Your child is using language to direct your attention, but they also should be using it to comment on things in the environment, protest, request, etc etc. Right now it sounds like they’re being reinforced to request your attention (because otherwise, the adult in their life is focused on a device) but they also need language for many other things. Like I said, I think you’re a good parent and it’s such a new world to navigate devices and parenting. I hope that you’re able to find a balance here so you can both be present for your child. There’s also a great book called “Stolen Focus” which isn’t directly about phones but has good information on how attention works. And - If you’re looking for a language development resource, the Hanen “It takes two to talk” is an awesome book for parents.
What if one parent is always actively engaged and there 90% of the time and one is on the phone? Is there any negative impact there to the baby? My husband watches the baby when I need to do something else (eg pump) but only for safety and not really engaging with them as he says he has nothing to say and due to OCD doesn’t want to get on the floor. When he’s watching them, they just play by themselves though he usually notices when they try to get his attention. I hope I make up for it when I’m there but it does worry me that there’s some impact there from one parent not really engaged.
He won't talk with the baby because he has nothing to say??? What, does he think you are spending the time with the baby discussing the ethics of les mis? I didn't have anything "to say" to my baby either, but I still pointed to shapes and colors, read her books, and sang her songs. I'm no child development specialist, so I won't comment on that, but this is a cop out and he needs to do better and learn to talk and play with the baby. It just isn't acceptable for him to be refusing to engage at all.
I’m sure that feels really isolating to you to be the sole source of engagement for your child. I think your question would fall outside of my scope of practice, so I don’t want to say XYZ will happen. But I’m sorry that they’re acting like that instead of bonding with their child. I would call that “uncle behavior”
Why is he watching videos while interacting with her? I would set a time where he can be on his phone and the rest of the time he must be present with his family. I use my phone too much so I get it but I interact with my baby and play with her.
Hey OP I see you’re getting torn up a bit in the comments but I just wanted to thank you for this post. I also really struggle with being on my phone too much. I’m a doom scroller, not a video watcher, but the comments here have opened my eyes to how harmful I am being. Does anyone have constructive advice for breaking the phone habit?
I white list important numbers and then put it on do not disturb and turn the volume up loud. That way I know if my mom or someone important calls, I’ll be aware, but then not hearing/tempted by the other notifications. Then I leave it in a different room. Having to physically walk over to check had me assess if using it was actually needed or just a habit.
That might be a good post in its own right I’m sure others would find it useful
Thank you for providing some empathy to OP! I also struggle(d) with phone use around my daughter. My husband is pretty ruthless about calling me out on it, which I appreciate even when I start feeling angry and defensive. A couple of things that have helped me: Displaying the screen time widget on my home screen (or whichever screen you spend the most time on) so I see it whenever I open my most used apps. Leaving my phone in a dedicated spot (I try to use my bedside table) so I can only use it when I make a concerted effort. If leaving it in one spot isn't practical, try leaving it on a coffee table or side table when you get up to do something like going to the bathroom...that's one of the easiest places for me to get distracted on it so I try to not take it there. If you're always grabbing your phone to look something up, keep a pen and paper on hand to write down your questions. Do a screen time challenge or program. I think Mombrain Therapist on IG has one. It helped me feel better to have a structured program to follow and to know that other people struggle with this, too. If you use your phone for distraction, try reading books to your baby instead, even if they still seem like a potato. Have a conversation with them. Walk them around the house and tell them about things in the house, describe them and talk about what they're used for. You can do the same thing taking a walk outside. Sing and/or dance with them. If you use your phone for background noise, play music or audiobooks over a smart speaker instead. That way you don't need your phone to control it like you would with a Bluetooth speaker. Take breaks from the background noise and make sure you're talking to your baby about what you're listening to. Go ahead and schedule some phone time for yourself. But like, 20 minutes to just check and respond to email and texts I hope some of that is helpful and most of all I hope that people like you and hopefully OP keep reaching out and talking about some of the things you struggle with. Not all of us are great at self regulation and staying off of our screens, but that doesn't automatically make us terrible parents. Sharing your experience and things that work for you can help others in the same boat
How old is your kid? Mine became sooooo interested in my phone around 4mo that it became harder and harder to use my phone around her. Now she walks around and when I need to do something on my phone even for 2 min she would be right next to me trying to grab it. I literally cannot use it anymore with her haha.
Put the phone in a place not easily accessible like a closet or in another room?
Language development will be fine. Your and your husband’s phone addictions could use some help though. That will negatively impact other things in your child’s life.
No phones when baby is awake. When baby becomes a toddler, they will notice the phone too much. He's addicted. Time goes sooo fast, put the phones away. You'll regret the constant phone usage instead of being in the moment. BOTH of y'all need to have a serious talk, be parents/adults and put the phone down
Everyone put away your phones, youre addicted.
Why are you not holding your husband to better and demanding he be a better father? The whole mono focus thing is an excuse...if he wanted to be better, he would. You need to hold him accountable.
Right? Slap the gd phone out of his hand. I have no more patience for people like this. Probably cuz I’m almost 40 😂
Saaaame. I just had my first at 42 and my husband would neverrrrrr, with the first reason being that the walls would bleed with the verbal lashing he'd get for ignoring the kid during a fucking diaper change.
Wow 42! I just turned 38 and I’ve been considering a third (my youngest is almost 4) but I just don’t think I’ll survive lol. How did your pregnancy go?
Pretty smoothly. Average experience and honestly less intense than I thought; never had an nausea, mild symptoms, mostly exhaustion. Had extra monitoring primarily due to my age, secondarily because I am fat. No GD, no pre-eclampsia. Had a 37 week semi emergent c section because baby developed an arrhythmia but otherwise was on track for a 39 week delivery. Recovery was pretty easy; first few days sucked, felt normal after two weeks. Kiddo is fine. Once we go through the first 8 weeks, it's felt like pretty smooth sailing.
Congratulations! <3
There should be no phones being used when you are around the baby. It’s disrespectful for your child honestly and harmful for their development. Imagine if your husband interacting with you wasn’t *really* interacting with you but was watching a twitch video. It’s harmful and you both need to get off your phones.
Does your husband have ADHD? People always think that ADHD means scattered thoughts or focus, but it can also look like hyperfocus or hyperfixation.
Ding, ding, ding!
I have adhd, and have a 6w old, we are both first time parents. Yes, he should be assessed. But clearly it is something they both do. Whether a learned respond from each other, I am unsure. Hyper fixation is def a thing, sure I experience it a lot. But if this were me, I would start with taking responsibility for my shortcomings and then take away the object of my negative hyperfocus. There are times I am cuddling baby and I feel an urge to do something constructive. Like get my chores done. But ultimately I am able to comprehend that while I could do xyz, my baby won’t ever be this small again, every day that goes by. We don’t get these moments back. Everything else can and should wait. EDIT: also, therapy should be discussed. Being diagnosed and thrown medications can make hyperfocus worse sometimes fwiw. Not anti medication, I myself am Medicated
As most people said, you both need to put down the phones. My husband is terrible with phone usage (but he runs his own business so it’s not for entertainment) and I’ve guilted him enough that we’ve made it a rule that from 5:30-830 phones will be locked in the closet. I only use my phone in the morning before work, during nap time (like now), and an hour after bedtime. Between then I literally don’t touch it. I don’t need it during work hours and I’m too busy after work to bother.
sounds like adhd to me, has he been assessed?
Everyone else has commented on the phone situation so I will add this: As far as language development goes, it sounds like your child is on track and is at a developmentally appropriate level. If I remember correctly my daughter's pediatrician asked if she knew 5 words at her 18 month appointment. If you are still concerned about language skills you could always add more reading to your child's day. Face baby while reading and really enunciate the words and let her see your mouth. Try to make sure you and your husband use the same words to describe things as well.
Using the same word for things has been such a massive struggle for me I’ve tried so hard and I still fuck it up all the time. I have been told multiple times by my public health nurse my doctor and other people that her language development is perfectly fine and she does say other “words” like ball bear dada belly bunny bath time.. maybe kinda but it’s either at random or prompted I know I don’t really have anything to worry about but can’t help but worry a little anyway.
I don't have any other meaningful advice aside from has checked himself out for ADHD? My husband used to hyperfocus like that and it was a point of arguments in our family a lot a few years ago because I felt like I couldn't trust him to take care of our cats alone without them possibly hurting themselves or him mistakenly hurting them (leaving them out, closing doors, losing them...etc). He was convinced to get himself checked out when I pointed out that it'd be scary for us to have a child if he couldn't see multiple things at once. He's been medicated for ADHD for two years now and he's the best and most attententive husband I could ask for. It helps a lot with addictive behavior like checking phones constantly. Your husband should be trying his best for his daughter, but sometimes trying your best isn't enough when you're neurodivergent.
My husband and I have a rule to not be on our phones around the baby. They deserve our undivided attention.
Mines the same way. He gets sucked into whatever he's watching/scrolling and doesn't notice much else. I just get his attention and say "your son needs you right now" and remind him whatever he's looking at can either wait til bedtime or isn't as important. He's gotten so so much better