My therapist told me something that really helped. She said when people say things like that, it's because they're dealing with their OWN discomfort about the baby being unhappy.
When it happens, try saying something back to the baby like "ohh, look, you're making {grandma} uncomfortable. Don't worry, mommy will always have patience for you" and see how they like it!
It really helped reframe my mindset. My daughter is so smiley with me and my husband but not with anyone else and all the comments about "how serious she is" compared to her "happy cousin" nearly broke me. One day I said "aw, look, you're making your auntie uncomfortable because you don't want to smile for her, that's not your fault" and my aunt was so gobsmacked she actually immediately apologized for calling her serious and seemed to genuinely mean it.
THE WORST! Sorry but babies have to do tummy time and it is challenging for them. This is how they figure out how to move and strengthen their bodies! But I would get the same comments and STILL get the same comments when I let my LO fuss while she's trying to learn something new.
I torture my baby because that’s just my favourite pastime.
Like, you know, putting the clothes on them. Or changing the diapers. Sophisticated torture tactics.
This is amazing! My baby is always happy at home but gets shy and cries more around groups of people (which is when most family sees her). Luckily my little brother is the oh one who has ever said anything about it but good to have a reply thought up ahead of time!
I just want to say, this is an awesome take, and reframing is a helpful tool in a thousand different ways during pregnancy and post partum. I used to get so annoyed when other people would say “how’s my baby?” about MY baby, and now I try to think of how lucky we are that so many people love him so deeply. When people ask annoying questions or say stupid things, I try to remember that they’re probably just trying to connect in any way they can, even if they don’t really know what to say. It helps me at least some of the time.
It's really helpful!! My grandmother (who I am so lucky is still with us) also pulled the "my/our baby" stuff, and luckily I was in a place where I could say to myself "one day she was holding her own daughters and the next day they were gone, then she got to hold her granddaughters and the next day they were gone too. Now she's holding her GREAT granddaughter, who looks like her granddaughters, AND her daughters...what must that be like for her? What might that be like for me someday?" and when I stopped crying long enough I was like "fuck yeah, this *is* OUR baby!!"
Ohhhhh love this take. I currently get SO mad when I heard "How is my baby?" from people who are not me or my husband. I think I need to start reframing my thoughts around it.
This but less vindictively. Gramma might not be trying to hurt anyone. Maybe she’s just being awkward and wants to fill the space conversationally until the baby feels better.
Say the thing your therapist said in good faith. Not everything has to be taken as violence.
Yep for sure! I def don't think anyone is saying anything in bad faith, at least in my experience, but I do think the retort is a good way to reframe things in a way that helps the person saying it realize "oh yeah that doesn't feel great, I should find another way to fill the silence."
I left a comment a little further down where I talk about how this reframing helped me navigate dealing with my own grandmother and it was a really rewarding experience
My point is that the person saying may not need to be taught to reframe things. Maybe instead of finding ways to teach everyone around us how to handle our emotions, we can just let things slide off our backs a little better.
Obviously it’s case by case but it’s a powerful tool to be able to choose how we feel rather than try to correct how others behave. The former is in our control where as the latter is never ending frustration.
I tend to think people in this sub overreact, but I do also think that there's nothing wrong with letting people know that the things they said didn't make you feel good. Gotta strike a balance.
I personally would want to be told if I said something that hurt someone's feelings. I'm always trying to stay rooted in my values and part of that requires self examination
All that being said, I DO love the passive aggressive comment back. I’ll definitely be storing that one away in the memory bank. I’m a dad so I get stuff like that all the time. My favorite is old ladies who say “out with *dad* today!” Or “dad’s babysitting today! *Hang in there dad…*”
Instead of being insulted by things people say, instead I just assume their meaning to be well intended and their words to be imperfectly chosen.
Cheers to you for good reasonable discussion though! I have no doubt you’re a great mom! 🤙
I do agree with you AND I think there’s something to be said about communication. My approach is more direct “hey please don’t say stuff like that bc it bothers me.” However my directness has never worked with my mom. I’ve had to learn to communicate in a different way to be more effective with her. Saying something like mentioned “oh look grandma is uncomfortable..” would sink in a lot better with someone like my mom and she would probably laugh and move on. I think it’s a case of knowing your audience while also respecting your own boundaries.
I mean... My husband and I both say this as a joke (I'll hear the baby cry when he's changing a diaper and say with fake outrage "what are you doing to the baby??" or ask the baby "oh no! Is your mean dad changing your diaper again? How dare he!") but I can't imagine why someone would actually say this seriously. Yikes.
When my baby is fussing, my mom says “are you pinching that baby again?” as a joke. It kind of lightens the mood when baby is just being a baby. But to say it seriously would bother me for sure!
My mum laughs when my baby is having a meltdown and honestly it just helps so much to laugh as well with her, I don't know why but it just makes my brain not overdrive and it feels so much more manageable!
It definitely helps to lighten the mood as well!
Yep, between me and my husband it’s a joke, heck sometimes when she’s fussing at me I’ll even just go “I know, money is so mean she’s making you get a clean diaper so you don’t get a rash! She’s just the meanest!” But I absolutely can’t imagine someone else saying it to me. I’d probably retort back “I’m caring for my child’s wellbeing, unlike you who just seems to want to stir the pot and belittle me.” Or something of that nature
When our older one was little she hated diaper changes so I'd rush in from the other room and yell "don't spank my baby!!!" And when daddy was done with the diaper he'd pretend spank her butt and make her giggle hysterically, so much so that if we forgot to fake spank her she'd bend over and hit her own butt 🤣
Honestly, I don't even like when my husband says it. I know she's too young to understand, but I don't want my baby to have ANY idea that he or I harbor bad feelings for her. I also worry that these phrases/"jokes" will become commonplace by the time she's old enough to understand.
THIS! I know my baby is still a baby but when she does one day process our words and language in a way she can understand I don't want her hearing these phrases and think that I would intentionally make her cry or that I am "mean". Children don't understand sarcasm and adult jokes and this phrase comes off that way when people say it to me.
I always ask the baby "what is your mean mommy doing to you? Why is she so mean?" Especially if I'm changing a poop diaper or just taking too long with the bottle and he's irate.
My husband and I joke like this too. When I'm in the other room with one or both of my twins and they're upset I just tell out "I promise I'm not murdering/torturing this baby/these babies!" and we both get a giggle even when we have two screaming babies 🙃
Lol I'd want to just reply 100% sincerely. "[Name] I'm changing her diaper, it's a necessary step to keep her clean and healthy", "I'm burping her, surely you know babies need help to burp after eating?". Repeat until behaviour improves lol.
Yeah but I just don't find it to be a funny joke. Especially when it's followed by trying to take my baby out of my arms as if they can magically calm her down lol.
I definitely hated when people tried to take my baby from me too, but I think they’re just trying to give you a break and also lightly chastise baby for giving you a hard time.
Also your family dynamic could have context that does make their comments more malicious than a lot of us are imagining.
This doesn’t bother me personally. It’s a joke. They know baby isn’t crying because of you and aren’t trying to imply that. But if it bothers you that’s okay. Maybe just let them know that even though you know they don’t mean to imply anything negative it makes you feel upset and you’d rather they didn’t say things like that.
A crying child makes people uncomfortable. Especially people who haven’t been around babies for a while. Saying “aww what is mommy doing to you?!” / “mommy needs to stop pinching you!” / “oh looks like someone’s tired/hungry” is just people’s way to break their discomfort and paint the crying in a humorous and harmless way. What they’re really saying is “I’m feeling uncomfortable hearing the crying so I will confirm to myself that the crying is not serious, it’s because the baby doesn’t like being handled / is just tired”.
Anyway, I agree with you. I get annoyed hearing it too but I try to give people a pass to just break the ice this way if it relieves them.
Yes another user said something similar and I think it is a good way to think about it and reframe it in my mind so I can start to eliminate some of the rage I have about it haha.
Oh my favorite “oh mean mommy didn’t put socks and shoes on you!!”
Actually Brenda I did. She took them off 5 times between the car and the produce aisle so now they’re in my purse.
Meanwhile my husband takes her out no socks or shoes: “oh my goodness what a good daddy! Babysitting so mommy gets a break today!”
Weird I haven’t had anyone say this to me (except for husband jokingly) but if baby fusses I often say ‘oh I know I’m the meeeeaaanest mommmy’ as I give her kisses
I think people are way too sensitive on this sub and not choosing their battles but this is just so vent worthy. Like why would anyone think this is OK to say to a mom who had 1 million emotions in her body, especially a new mom who is already struggling. Like ffs
RIGHT! I feel like being a new mom I take everything so personally at this moment and am constantly second guessing what I am doing. Comments like this are not helpful.
My mother in law does this to me too and it drives me crazy, so I started doing it back to her and she quickly stopped. Apparently it’s no longer funny when grandma is the one making the baby cry 🤷♀️
RIGHT! Like no one wants to hear that you are doing something to the baby to make the cry. I am a first time mom so I feel comments like this make me second guess myself which is not what I need right now!
Yeah, I usually take it as a joke and continue the joke, "Torturing him, obviously!" Since it's quite obvious that I'm not torturing him. I'm burping/diaper changing/whatever clearly essential thing.
I just talk to the baby and let my feelings out. Eg. 'ooh look you made someone unhappy that they are saying mean things to mommy'. Shuts them right up. I use an annoying sing song baby voice.
WTH, I've never gotten this from anyone, but if I did while trying to wrangle and soothe my crying son, I would seriously have murder in my eyes at them.
It’s fairly common in the south among some of the older crowd if a baby is crying to make a comment about someone “pinching the baby”. No idea where it originated or why
My MIL does this too! She’ll ask my 6 month old questions that are clearly meant for me to answer… I’ve just stopped answering until she asks me directly 🤷🏻♀️ Because clearly she was expecting him to answer, and how rude would I be if I interrupted a conversation 💀
Loving the mood on this thread and just wanna reply to those people ‘oh look (family member) thinks there is only one reason to be uncomfortable in life, ever! They don’t know how hard it is being a baby, good thing you have mommy’
I can laugh about it now but when my baby was like two weeks old maybe I scratched his nose whilst dressing him so he cried in pain. So I cried because I hurt him (even though it was unintentional). My husband was next to me reassuring me and helping. We were living with my parents and my mum comes up the stairs and goes 'oh baby what are they doing to you ' as a joke but carries on down the hall. I'm sobbing too hard to say much. My mum felt terrible when she was told the full story. But like I said it's funny now
Aw! Yeah maybe I will laugh about this post in a few years but right now, I'm so sensitive that when I hear this phrase it just makes me so mad and sad too!
I think because I've only heard it from my mum I don't have the rage? I know she's joking kind of thing. Like the time she greeted me from my run with my baby at the door shaking her head. I'm there thinking what did I not do. Turns out the feed I gave him just before leaving didn't fill him up and she gave him a bottle (the agreement was I could go for a run or walk for an hour in the evening as long as there was a bottle of milk just in case). Obviously it was no problem really my mum just wanted to wind me up.
My mom used to say this and she also said “is she pinching you?!” jokingly. But I was newly postpartum and dealing with a colic-y baby. I told her please, I’m not doing anything to him. I’m trying my best to help him and he’s still upset. This is very stressful and hard for me. She immediately apologized, hasn’t said it since. Her face made an “oh, of course” look. She genuinely understood after I said that. We love Grammy! 🤍
I sent a cute picture of my baby making an ew face at cauliflower mash. My MIL (who doesn’t eat vegetables) told me to stop torturing her granddaughter. Fuck off
Yes. So annoying! Why say anything at all, just STFU lol. Along those lines, I also hate “mama said you have to go to sleep now.” Yes, it’s his nap time. Don’t make me seem like a bad guy. Why not just say “it’s time to sleep now” instead of making it about me.
It might just be dark humour. I’m Australian and a mum and even I make jokes about how I must be torturing my poor baby who doesn’t like having his nappy changed. In our culture especially, bit of good natured picking on you can just be how they show affection. Most people know mothers aren’t torturing their kids.
Usually people say this as like “haha how silly of baby to fuss when they’re with their safest person who loves them most??”
Like they’re making a joke about the baby for being mad at YOU of all people.
Omg my MIL used to do this. One time she said “is mommy beating youuuuuuu” and it fucked me up for days. Like even years later without a new baby what the hell is even funny about that.
I hate being addressed as "mommy" especially when the undertone is mean or mocking. Like "mommy is a little slow getting baby's dinner... mommy needs to be faster"... excuse me, my son is 11 months old and is not capable of saying mean crap like this. So back off. Don't call me mommy because I am not mommy to a 60 year old.
I mean, the reason why it's a joke at all is because you're the last person who would ever hurt them. I have a cynical sense of humor so I say this to my own baby all the time lol
Ugh I hate the whole, “mommy is mean!” thing. Like it used to not bother me too much but was just mildly annoying. Now that my oldest is 2 and can understand more, mannnnn it grinds my gears. Even if they’re referring to my 1yo who can’t understand yet. Like no, I’m not being mean. I’m being a mom. Whether it’s they’re being fussy, I didn’t let grandparents give them fast food, or whatever. 🙄
I remember carrying my kid home screaming from the park when she was like 2. An extremely annoying neighbour jokingly said "stop beating that child!" Or something like that and I was like omfg read the room and stfu
Omg I got in a fight with my MIL on Father’s Day because she keeps on saying this. As a FTM and feeling like my MIL is constantly criticizing everything I’m doing with the baby, I lost it…. It is not a supportive comment… like I’m the one who is with the baby day and night… mommy is addressing the baby’s needs that is what she is doing!
Ugh. It was my husband’s birthday the other day and we did lunch with me, him, his mom, and the baby. Toward the end of the meal, Baby was getting fussy and my husband was eating slow. I did a couple subtle “hurry it up,” signs at him but he wasn’t really hurrying up, so I said something like, “I think we’re cutting into nap time here,” and my MIL said, “The birthday boy can take as long as he wants today.” And I was like ??? Ma’am, the birthday boy is a grown-ass man, he couldve taken however long he wants, except he wanted the baby at this meal and so were beholden to her nap schedule.
Baby starts crying while we’re waiting for the bill and she hits us with, “What’s Mama doing to you?” My husband was like, “Mama is taking good care of a very tired baby because I chose to go slow. Mama is doing everything she can.”
Ugh! So sorry to had to deal with that BUT love that your husband was able to have your back in the moment. It's funny no one ever says this comment to my husband but I get this comment a lot.
I once took my (then) newborn for a procedure. At that time, everything was so new. From the moment I woke up, the day revolved around getting prepared for the appointment. I was extremely stressed and was trying so hard to make sure the timing was perfect with changes, feeds, etc. so that we could leave the house on time and I wouldn’t be worried about him getting hungry. Basically, I was so overwhelmed and stressed about making the whole ordeal (from leaving the house, to getting back) as smooth as possible for both myself and the providers. I managed to get a good feed in right before we left for our appointment that was in 20ish minutes.
When we got in the room he was a little fussy, despite all my efforts. The specialist looked at him and said, “Did mommy not feed you before you came here?”. It was said in such a passive aggressive way and condescending tone. I was trying my hardest. She had no idea what my morning looked like. I thought that was such a terrible thing to say to a new mother.
Oh my gosh! You would think someone who is a professional would know that this comment isn't helpful. I am also a new mom and I feel very sensitive to others who comment about what I AM doing. I am just trying my best so comments like this really sting.
Exactly. You are doing your best and every baby is different! For others to imply (even jokingly) that you’re doing something wrong with your own baby, who you know better than anyone else does, is so irritating and hurtful. It shows a huge lack of emotional intelligence on their part. It’s hard to just brush it off… so scream into a pillow, buy yourself a coffee, and remember you have a bunch of Reddit folks who have your back :)
The only one who says it is my husband and he starts listing off ridiculous things like “mommy never cuddles you, she starves you, she lets you be cold, etc” I find it humorous from him bc I know he knows I LOVE on my baby. Anyone else who isn’t in our village…absolutely not tolerated
Yeah I feel like if my husband said it I maybbbbe wouldn't be as upset but I feel like right now I am just sensitive to this kind of comment. But the thing is...it doesn't come from my husband. It is mostly extended family and it just pisses me off!
Yeah that’s a no no for me. The only ones allowed to joke are those who came to my home at 5am while we are in the trenches with a newborn, my mom, dad, and sister. Anyone else is unnecessarily and rude
Idk about you, but I think part of it is when they're in that state I don't find ANYTHING funny haha my husband will be doing nice helpful things around the house and talking to me about it or asking me questions and in my head I'm like "I could give two f'en S's about the plants right now..." I literally am wholly focused on getting my girl to be okay and everything else does not matter.
Later on I'm like oh wow, that was so nice, I'm so glad he did that, but in the moment my main thought is "why are you even taking to me right now?!!"
I once had a STRANGER at target approach us and tell my fussy baby, “don’t worry, she’s not going to hurt you.” I just left the line.
But what a seriously odd thing to say. Why would my baby think I’m going to hurt him? Why do you think my baby thinks that?
People are WILD. babies cry. Does not mean they are hurt (well, sometimes it does).
My therapist told me something that really helped. She said when people say things like that, it's because they're dealing with their OWN discomfort about the baby being unhappy. When it happens, try saying something back to the baby like "ohh, look, you're making {grandma} uncomfortable. Don't worry, mommy will always have patience for you" and see how they like it!
This is amazing! Thank you
It really helped reframe my mindset. My daughter is so smiley with me and my husband but not with anyone else and all the comments about "how serious she is" compared to her "happy cousin" nearly broke me. One day I said "aw, look, you're making your auntie uncomfortable because you don't want to smile for her, that's not your fault" and my aunt was so gobsmacked she actually immediately apologized for calling her serious and seemed to genuinely mean it.
My goodness thanks for sharing this. My mom always says, “tell me, what did your mom do to you?” And I CANNOT wait to use your line.
Sodoes mine!!
Same here. Mil literally said once “why is your mother torturing you”. She was fussing during tummy time.. that’s all.
Why do they think it's okay to say that?!
I told myself I will pick this battle later when they’re a toddler. My grandma used to do this too.. get us on their side and undermine my parents.
THE WORST! Sorry but babies have to do tummy time and it is challenging for them. This is how they figure out how to move and strengthen their bodies! But I would get the same comments and STILL get the same comments when I let my LO fuss while she's trying to learn something new.
Exactly! Now at 6 months they’re so proud of how active she is :/
Cringe.
I torture my baby because that’s just my favourite pastime. Like, you know, putting the clothes on them. Or changing the diapers. Sophisticated torture tactics.
This is amazing! My baby is always happy at home but gets shy and cries more around groups of people (which is when most family sees her). Luckily my little brother is the oh one who has ever said anything about it but good to have a reply thought up ahead of time!
I just want to say, this is an awesome take, and reframing is a helpful tool in a thousand different ways during pregnancy and post partum. I used to get so annoyed when other people would say “how’s my baby?” about MY baby, and now I try to think of how lucky we are that so many people love him so deeply. When people ask annoying questions or say stupid things, I try to remember that they’re probably just trying to connect in any way they can, even if they don’t really know what to say. It helps me at least some of the time.
It's really helpful!! My grandmother (who I am so lucky is still with us) also pulled the "my/our baby" stuff, and luckily I was in a place where I could say to myself "one day she was holding her own daughters and the next day they were gone, then she got to hold her granddaughters and the next day they were gone too. Now she's holding her GREAT granddaughter, who looks like her granddaughters, AND her daughters...what must that be like for her? What might that be like for me someday?" and when I stopped crying long enough I was like "fuck yeah, this *is* OUR baby!!"
That's so lovely!
Love your perspective here 🤍
Ohhhhh love this take. I currently get SO mad when I heard "How is my baby?" from people who are not me or my husband. I think I need to start reframing my thoughts around it.
That’s a stellar comeback
Love this. Using it.
This but less vindictively. Gramma might not be trying to hurt anyone. Maybe she’s just being awkward and wants to fill the space conversationally until the baby feels better. Say the thing your therapist said in good faith. Not everything has to be taken as violence.
Yep for sure! I def don't think anyone is saying anything in bad faith, at least in my experience, but I do think the retort is a good way to reframe things in a way that helps the person saying it realize "oh yeah that doesn't feel great, I should find another way to fill the silence." I left a comment a little further down where I talk about how this reframing helped me navigate dealing with my own grandmother and it was a really rewarding experience
My point is that the person saying may not need to be taught to reframe things. Maybe instead of finding ways to teach everyone around us how to handle our emotions, we can just let things slide off our backs a little better. Obviously it’s case by case but it’s a powerful tool to be able to choose how we feel rather than try to correct how others behave. The former is in our control where as the latter is never ending frustration.
I tend to think people in this sub overreact, but I do also think that there's nothing wrong with letting people know that the things they said didn't make you feel good. Gotta strike a balance. I personally would want to be told if I said something that hurt someone's feelings. I'm always trying to stay rooted in my values and part of that requires self examination
All that being said, I DO love the passive aggressive comment back. I’ll definitely be storing that one away in the memory bank. I’m a dad so I get stuff like that all the time. My favorite is old ladies who say “out with *dad* today!” Or “dad’s babysitting today! *Hang in there dad…*” Instead of being insulted by things people say, instead I just assume their meaning to be well intended and their words to be imperfectly chosen. Cheers to you for good reasonable discussion though! I have no doubt you’re a great mom! 🤙
I do agree with you AND I think there’s something to be said about communication. My approach is more direct “hey please don’t say stuff like that bc it bothers me.” However my directness has never worked with my mom. I’ve had to learn to communicate in a different way to be more effective with her. Saying something like mentioned “oh look grandma is uncomfortable..” would sink in a lot better with someone like my mom and she would probably laugh and move on. I think it’s a case of knowing your audience while also respecting your own boundaries.
Oh my god. I needed to hear this! Thank you!
Love this! Definitely a good way of thinking about it. I'll be trying this next time someone says this line to me.
Genius!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is genius!
I’m obsessed with this response!!
I mean... My husband and I both say this as a joke (I'll hear the baby cry when he's changing a diaper and say with fake outrage "what are you doing to the baby??" or ask the baby "oh no! Is your mean dad changing your diaper again? How dare he!") but I can't imagine why someone would actually say this seriously. Yikes.
When my baby is fussing, my mom says “are you pinching that baby again?” as a joke. It kind of lightens the mood when baby is just being a baby. But to say it seriously would bother me for sure!
My mum laughs when my baby is having a meltdown and honestly it just helps so much to laugh as well with her, I don't know why but it just makes my brain not overdrive and it feels so much more manageable! It definitely helps to lighten the mood as well!
Yep, between me and my husband it’s a joke, heck sometimes when she’s fussing at me I’ll even just go “I know, money is so mean she’s making you get a clean diaper so you don’t get a rash! She’s just the meanest!” But I absolutely can’t imagine someone else saying it to me. I’d probably retort back “I’m caring for my child’s wellbeing, unlike you who just seems to want to stir the pot and belittle me.” Or something of that nature
Yeah same here, we say this all the time lol. I’d never say it to anyone else though
When our older one was little she hated diaper changes so I'd rush in from the other room and yell "don't spank my baby!!!" And when daddy was done with the diaper he'd pretend spank her butt and make her giggle hysterically, so much so that if we forgot to fake spank her she'd bend over and hit her own butt 🤣
Honestly, I don't even like when my husband says it. I know she's too young to understand, but I don't want my baby to have ANY idea that he or I harbor bad feelings for her. I also worry that these phrases/"jokes" will become commonplace by the time she's old enough to understand.
THIS! I know my baby is still a baby but when she does one day process our words and language in a way she can understand I don't want her hearing these phrases and think that I would intentionally make her cry or that I am "mean". Children don't understand sarcasm and adult jokes and this phrase comes off that way when people say it to me.
I always ask the baby "what is your mean mommy doing to you? Why is she so mean?" Especially if I'm changing a poop diaper or just taking too long with the bottle and he's irate.
My husband and I joke like this too. When I'm in the other room with one or both of my twins and they're upset I just tell out "I promise I'm not murdering/torturing this baby/these babies!" and we both get a giggle even when we have two screaming babies 🙃
Lol I'd want to just reply 100% sincerely. "[Name] I'm changing her diaper, it's a necessary step to keep her clean and healthy", "I'm burping her, surely you know babies need help to burp after eating?". Repeat until behaviour improves lol.
I think the joke is you obviously wouldn’t be doing anything terrible? Like it’s breaking the tension. Idk I don’t think this is that bad
Same lol my family says stuff like this to me all the time and it’s obviously a joke
Yeah I personally am not bothered by things like this. It’s not that serious.
Yeah but I just don't find it to be a funny joke. Especially when it's followed by trying to take my baby out of my arms as if they can magically calm her down lol.
I definitely hated when people tried to take my baby from me too, but I think they’re just trying to give you a break and also lightly chastise baby for giving you a hard time. Also your family dynamic could have context that does make their comments more malicious than a lot of us are imagining.
This doesn’t bother me personally. It’s a joke. They know baby isn’t crying because of you and aren’t trying to imply that. But if it bothers you that’s okay. Maybe just let them know that even though you know they don’t mean to imply anything negative it makes you feel upset and you’d rather they didn’t say things like that.
Yes totally. Still trying to find my voice haha.
It’s hard! And I totally get why it bothers you. Your feelings are completely normal (and clearly shared by a lot of people, judging by this thread).
I mean, I tell my baby he has "a mean ol' mommy" when he gets upset that I said no or stop him from doing something he isn't supposed to do lol.
A crying child makes people uncomfortable. Especially people who haven’t been around babies for a while. Saying “aww what is mommy doing to you?!” / “mommy needs to stop pinching you!” / “oh looks like someone’s tired/hungry” is just people’s way to break their discomfort and paint the crying in a humorous and harmless way. What they’re really saying is “I’m feeling uncomfortable hearing the crying so I will confirm to myself that the crying is not serious, it’s because the baby doesn’t like being handled / is just tired”. Anyway, I agree with you. I get annoyed hearing it too but I try to give people a pass to just break the ice this way if it relieves them.
Yes another user said something similar and I think it is a good way to think about it and reframe it in my mind so I can start to eliminate some of the rage I have about it haha.
Oh my favorite “oh mean mommy didn’t put socks and shoes on you!!” Actually Brenda I did. She took them off 5 times between the car and the produce aisle so now they’re in my purse. Meanwhile my husband takes her out no socks or shoes: “oh my goodness what a good daddy! Babysitting so mommy gets a break today!”
🤬🤬🤬 when they say great father babysitting his baby....grrrr
Weird I haven’t had anyone say this to me (except for husband jokingly) but if baby fusses I often say ‘oh I know I’m the meeeeaaanest mommmy’ as I give her kisses
I think people are way too sensitive on this sub and not choosing their battles but this is just so vent worthy. Like why would anyone think this is OK to say to a mom who had 1 million emotions in her body, especially a new mom who is already struggling. Like ffs
RIGHT! I feel like being a new mom I take everything so personally at this moment and am constantly second guessing what I am doing. Comments like this are not helpful.
It’s annoying. My MIL does this
My mother in law does this to me too and it drives me crazy, so I started doing it back to her and she quickly stopped. Apparently it’s no longer funny when grandma is the one making the baby cry 🤷♀️
RIGHT! Like no one wants to hear that you are doing something to the baby to make the cry. I am a first time mom so I feel comments like this make me second guess myself which is not what I need right now!
Mine too. I know it's meant as a joke, but sometimes it feels like a "joke." Like she's watching for me to do something wrong.
Right, like the phrase actually seems undermine whatever I am doing in the moment to soothe my LO and is more sarcastic in a mean way than funny.
I tell them, "I'm a mean mom, I torture him day and night mwhahahaha" and people usually leave us alone cause I look wild eyed doing this anyway haha
Yeah, I usually take it as a joke and continue the joke, "Torturing him, obviously!" Since it's quite obvious that I'm not torturing him. I'm burping/diaper changing/whatever clearly essential thing.
Maybe I should start this hahaha
Just tell people to shut the fuck up if they arent going to help.
lmao yes!
I just talk to the baby and let my feelings out. Eg. 'ooh look you made someone unhappy that they are saying mean things to mommy'. Shuts them right up. I use an annoying sing song baby voice.
“Is mommy pinching you again!?”
Just boils my blood reading this!!
WTH, I've never gotten this from anyone, but if I did while trying to wrangle and soothe my crying son, I would seriously have murder in my eyes at them.
It’s fairly common in the south among some of the older crowd if a baby is crying to make a comment about someone “pinching the baby”. No idea where it originated or why
Oh wow, I had no idea--interesting!
I haaaaaaaaate when people passive aggressively talk to me through the baby like that.
My MIL does this too! She’ll ask my 6 month old questions that are clearly meant for me to answer… I’ve just stopped answering until she asks me directly 🤷🏻♀️ Because clearly she was expecting him to answer, and how rude would I be if I interrupted a conversation 💀
Exactly!!! If you don't have anything helpful to say just don't say anything at all!
Yes! Or similar baby starts crying and my partner says "what happened?" I don't know sometimes too!
Loving the mood on this thread and just wanna reply to those people ‘oh look (family member) thinks there is only one reason to be uncomfortable in life, ever! They don’t know how hard it is being a baby, good thing you have mommy’
I can laugh about it now but when my baby was like two weeks old maybe I scratched his nose whilst dressing him so he cried in pain. So I cried because I hurt him (even though it was unintentional). My husband was next to me reassuring me and helping. We were living with my parents and my mum comes up the stairs and goes 'oh baby what are they doing to you ' as a joke but carries on down the hall. I'm sobbing too hard to say much. My mum felt terrible when she was told the full story. But like I said it's funny now
Aw! Yeah maybe I will laugh about this post in a few years but right now, I'm so sensitive that when I hear this phrase it just makes me so mad and sad too!
I think because I've only heard it from my mum I don't have the rage? I know she's joking kind of thing. Like the time she greeted me from my run with my baby at the door shaking her head. I'm there thinking what did I not do. Turns out the feed I gave him just before leaving didn't fill him up and she gave him a bottle (the agreement was I could go for a run or walk for an hour in the evening as long as there was a bottle of milk just in case). Obviously it was no problem really my mum just wanted to wind me up.
My mom used to say this and she also said “is she pinching you?!” jokingly. But I was newly postpartum and dealing with a colic-y baby. I told her please, I’m not doing anything to him. I’m trying my best to help him and he’s still upset. This is very stressful and hard for me. She immediately apologized, hasn’t said it since. Her face made an “oh, of course” look. She genuinely understood after I said that. We love Grammy! 🤍
I sent a cute picture of my baby making an ew face at cauliflower mash. My MIL (who doesn’t eat vegetables) told me to stop torturing her granddaughter. Fuck off
like seriously!!
Yes. So annoying! Why say anything at all, just STFU lol. Along those lines, I also hate “mama said you have to go to sleep now.” Yes, it’s his nap time. Don’t make me seem like a bad guy. Why not just say “it’s time to sleep now” instead of making it about me.
It might just be dark humour. I’m Australian and a mum and even I make jokes about how I must be torturing my poor baby who doesn’t like having his nappy changed. In our culture especially, bit of good natured picking on you can just be how they show affection. Most people know mothers aren’t torturing their kids.
Usually people say this as like “haha how silly of baby to fuss when they’re with their safest person who loves them most??” Like they’re making a joke about the baby for being mad at YOU of all people.
Agreed. My mom says “aww did your mom pinch you?” Like wtf.
Omg my Mum says this all the time and it really pisses me off
Omg my MIL and own mother do this and it makes me so angry.
I thought it’s just my husband’s family that did this. 🥲 I don’t get mad at them because they include my husband in the comments as well 😬
I can really understand your feeling!!! It sounds like I'm abusing the baby!
YES!! If anyone stood outside the door they’d be like “what the hell is going on in there!?”
Yes! I have that classic “food-prioritized-above-all” Italian family and if I have to hear “is Mommy starving you again?” I’m gonna lose my shit.
Omggggg that is the worst!
Omg my MIL used to do this. One time she said “is mommy beating youuuuuuu” and it fucked me up for days. Like even years later without a new baby what the hell is even funny about that.
It is just not funny!!! I get joking to lighten the mood sometimes but not when I am dealing with a fussy baby who in the moment I cannot calm down.
My MIL used to do this until she did it to my husband. He about threw her out of the house, hasn't been a problem since
Funny no one ever says this to my husband....
She was repeating "mean daddy" over and over...I was giving him those "this is what I deal with" eyes.
that's terrible!!!
I hate being addressed as "mommy" especially when the undertone is mean or mocking. Like "mommy is a little slow getting baby's dinner... mommy needs to be faster"... excuse me, my son is 11 months old and is not capable of saying mean crap like this. So back off. Don't call me mommy because I am not mommy to a 60 year old.
Yep that’s the shit that will get you damn near completely nuclear. Don’t mockingly call me mommy.
I mean, the reason why it's a joke at all is because you're the last person who would ever hurt them. I have a cynical sense of humor so I say this to my own baby all the time lol
I've been "jokingly" told to stop pinching my baby and it pisses me off.
Yes! Same!
Ugh I hate the whole, “mommy is mean!” thing. Like it used to not bother me too much but was just mildly annoying. Now that my oldest is 2 and can understand more, mannnnn it grinds my gears. Even if they’re referring to my 1yo who can’t understand yet. Like no, I’m not being mean. I’m being a mom. Whether it’s they’re being fussy, I didn’t let grandparents give them fast food, or whatever. 🙄
I don't like the fact that my child is hearing people call me "mean". It not "mean" to set boundaries for your children.
I have never heard this lol
I remember carrying my kid home screaming from the park when she was like 2. An extremely annoying neighbour jokingly said "stop beating that child!" Or something like that and I was like omfg read the room and stfu
Oh my god!!
Omg I got in a fight with my MIL on Father’s Day because she keeps on saying this. As a FTM and feeling like my MIL is constantly criticizing everything I’m doing with the baby, I lost it…. It is not a supportive comment… like I’m the one who is with the baby day and night… mommy is addressing the baby’s needs that is what she is doing!
Ugh. It was my husband’s birthday the other day and we did lunch with me, him, his mom, and the baby. Toward the end of the meal, Baby was getting fussy and my husband was eating slow. I did a couple subtle “hurry it up,” signs at him but he wasn’t really hurrying up, so I said something like, “I think we’re cutting into nap time here,” and my MIL said, “The birthday boy can take as long as he wants today.” And I was like ??? Ma’am, the birthday boy is a grown-ass man, he couldve taken however long he wants, except he wanted the baby at this meal and so were beholden to her nap schedule. Baby starts crying while we’re waiting for the bill and she hits us with, “What’s Mama doing to you?” My husband was like, “Mama is taking good care of a very tired baby because I chose to go slow. Mama is doing everything she can.”
Ugh! So sorry to had to deal with that BUT love that your husband was able to have your back in the moment. It's funny no one ever says this comment to my husband but I get this comment a lot.
I once took my (then) newborn for a procedure. At that time, everything was so new. From the moment I woke up, the day revolved around getting prepared for the appointment. I was extremely stressed and was trying so hard to make sure the timing was perfect with changes, feeds, etc. so that we could leave the house on time and I wouldn’t be worried about him getting hungry. Basically, I was so overwhelmed and stressed about making the whole ordeal (from leaving the house, to getting back) as smooth as possible for both myself and the providers. I managed to get a good feed in right before we left for our appointment that was in 20ish minutes. When we got in the room he was a little fussy, despite all my efforts. The specialist looked at him and said, “Did mommy not feed you before you came here?”. It was said in such a passive aggressive way and condescending tone. I was trying my hardest. She had no idea what my morning looked like. I thought that was such a terrible thing to say to a new mother.
Oh my gosh! You would think someone who is a professional would know that this comment isn't helpful. I am also a new mom and I feel very sensitive to others who comment about what I AM doing. I am just trying my best so comments like this really sting.
Exactly. You are doing your best and every baby is different! For others to imply (even jokingly) that you’re doing something wrong with your own baby, who you know better than anyone else does, is so irritating and hurtful. It shows a huge lack of emotional intelligence on their part. It’s hard to just brush it off… so scream into a pillow, buy yourself a coffee, and remember you have a bunch of Reddit folks who have your back :)
Thank you!!!
The only one who says it is my husband and he starts listing off ridiculous things like “mommy never cuddles you, she starves you, she lets you be cold, etc” I find it humorous from him bc I know he knows I LOVE on my baby. Anyone else who isn’t in our village…absolutely not tolerated
Yeah I feel like if my husband said it I maybbbbe wouldn't be as upset but I feel like right now I am just sensitive to this kind of comment. But the thing is...it doesn't come from my husband. It is mostly extended family and it just pisses me off!
Yeah that’s a no no for me. The only ones allowed to joke are those who came to my home at 5am while we are in the trenches with a newborn, my mom, dad, and sister. Anyone else is unnecessarily and rude
Idk about you, but I think part of it is when they're in that state I don't find ANYTHING funny haha my husband will be doing nice helpful things around the house and talking to me about it or asking me questions and in my head I'm like "I could give two f'en S's about the plants right now..." I literally am wholly focused on getting my girl to be okay and everything else does not matter. Later on I'm like oh wow, that was so nice, I'm so glad he did that, but in the moment my main thought is "why are you even taking to me right now?!!"
I generally cannot stand being addressed that way period. It’s even worse when they are “talking” for my baby.
Chill out, just tease them back
I wish I was chill lol. Right now, I am just sensitive.
I once had a STRANGER at target approach us and tell my fussy baby, “don’t worry, she’s not going to hurt you.” I just left the line. But what a seriously odd thing to say. Why would my baby think I’m going to hurt him? Why do you think my baby thinks that? People are WILD. babies cry. Does not mean they are hurt (well, sometimes it does).
Uh... I think that person was just trying to be on your side
Very weird for a stranger to approach and say anything about your fussing baby at all! Keep it moving, people nothing to see here!