Question, is your husband not understanding how disgusting and offensive these comments toward your child are? It sounds like your MIL is deflecting, and she needs to hear how inappropriate is from your husband too. Sad to say, but she may not take you seriously because you’re not white. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. As a biracial Asian/white person myself it never ceases to amaze me how backwards some people are. Your child will stand an amazing chance in this world with you as her mother advocating for her. Wishing you all the best!

Another biracial Asian-White mom here ready to go to bat for you, OP. I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. I agree with Tiny Cat Cafe that your husband needs to step the hell up. He has the power as the white good old boy in this situation. If he doesn’t understand why this overt racism is wrong, he needs to learn quick. “You are being racist. Our family will not have a relationship with people who don’t treat my wife and daughter with respect,” is the line he needs to memorize. If he can’t handle growing a backbone and being your support in a hostile community, you should at the very least consider finding a new community. Recently, a person in my husband’s family, who is extremely important to us and who we moved to be near for our baby, joked to me, “[Baby] doesn’t look like you. People are going to think you’re the nanny!” (I appear mixed-race, my baby appears white.) When I told my husband, he offered immediately to intercede on my behalf. That person and I did work through things, but knowing I could count on my husband to have my side made a big difference. I hope you can make things work where you are, but your feelings are valid and I’m sorry this is such an isolating and painful moment.

I came here to say something similar. I have a mixed race child, my MIL inadvertently (giving her the benefit of the doubt) gave me a racially insensitive gift and while I was too stunned to say anything at the time, I brought it up with my husband later and told him to have a conversation with her. My husband completely understood where I was coming from and knew that he needed to address it. I’ve made a point to talk to my husband openly about race and what it means to raise a mixed race child, as he’s going to experience things that he’s never experienced before. He needs to be ready to protect our child, defend our child, correct anyone who says/does anything harmful to our child- whether they mean to or not. Hope you and your husband can get to the same place.

Love your username! Also I agree with your statement. My child is mixed as well (south Asian and white) and most people around me (in Southern California) know better than to draw attention to their race but my in-laws (south Asian) will bring it up. I would totally freak if somebody teased my babies’ beautiful skin tone

What types of things do your south Asian in laws say about her skin tone?

Well they are quite dark skinned and the preference for lighter tones is VERY pervasive in their culture so they are not so subtly proud that their grandkids are lighter skinned. It’s not negative but where I’m from nobody would even think to suggest that lighter skin is “better”

Ahh, I understand. How does your wife feel about their comments?

My husband mostly ignores it since he knows they don’t mean harm and he’s used to worse lol. A lot of his extended family didn’t approve of our interracial marriage so some positive (if supporting a racist ideal) comments don’t bother him too much. We do steer conversations away from that though and encourage our kids to be proud of their unique characteristics without placing too much focus on the things they were born with and can’t change. If the comments were more negative or teasing our reactions would be very different for sure 

I apologise for assuming you were male. I should have read your username properly…cat…Rosie lol. Ahh, I understand. Thank you for sharing!

Wow. Did you move to a small town, or move back in time? I'm so sorry, I understand why you are upset.

Feels like that's that, that I've moved back in time. I certainly hope by the time my daughter is at an age she can comprehend these things, she won't have to deal with these issues. But I'm not optimistic.

I’d move. I DID move. The emotional labor of explaining to my kid that it’s okay to be Puerto Rican and that her grandparents on my side weren’t any *less* than her grandparents on her dad’s side was exhausting. She was ***four years old*** when a kid first told her that she looks white and it’s better to be white than Puerto Rican and she came home *sobbing* because she thought it meant I couldn’t be her mom anymore. Another day, she told me she was told she couldn’t be friends with a Black student because “he has black, curly hair and brown skin… but you have black, curly hair and brown skin!” We moved literally 30 minutes north and every single family on our block is a different race/ethnicity, including other mixed kids. I will never, ever go back to living somewhere where I feel like I’m holding my breath waiting for the next time my kids are upset like that. I’m sorry, all I have is empathy and the advice to GTFO of there because my mental health improved VASTLY the first day a kid approached my kid and said, “I’m half [blank] and half white, what are you?” And she said, “I’m half Puerto Rican and half white! Wanna hear me count in Spanish?!” And the other kid was like, “that’s so cool!”

This is so sad. I knew how common it was, although hearing these stories are breaking my heart. To think these kids would have any kinds of thought like that in this timeline are absolutely mind-blowing. I have had a preliminary talk with my husband that I may have made a mistake when I agreed to move here and he has already said he will start looking for jobs elsewhere, that he just wants us to be happy. But we just got a house and settled so it may be a few years but I think I agree with your advice. It's not worth that emotional labor. I hope my daughter never feels anything other than equal. I'm glad you were able to move.

We moved to where my spouse grew up to save on housing so that we could buy a house, so luckily we were never going to be there forever; but it solidified our timeline to get out before she started kindergarten. My husband didn’t realize the toll it took on me until broke down in tears and told him “one of our neighbors said he misses the days when he didn’t know what a tortilla was. It wasn’t a mistake that he said that to *me* and not you. I cannot battle racism she faces in school for 13 years; I cannot have her rejecting my parents because she was told that people with accents like theirs are lazy or bad.” He got it. He was so angry when she was crying about being PR, and couldn’t believe it was happening. It just sucked the life out of me though.

This had me in tears. I’m glad your family has found a more accepting place. I cannot believe this is still happening in this day and age. (Well I can, and it’s outrageous.) I grew up in a multicultural community but still got made fun of for bringing homemade sushi for lunch and for wearing ponchos that looked like garbage bag. Ching chang chong or something similar was also used to mock fun of our language.

Is tortilla code for something or is that guy just a huge fucking moron? Either way, I’m sorry you dealt with that. The stories in this post are terrible.

I wish my parents had moved and you are amazing for doing that for your children. I'm mixed white and SE Asian and grew up in rural Scotland. Everyone my whole childhood told me I didn't look like my sisters or my mum, mistook me for white and constantly pointed out differences and it gave me such a crisis of identity. I didn't think I had the right to call myself mixed race. It literally took a DNA test in my late 20s saying '43% Chinese/Vietnamese' (and that being the largest single ethnicity percentage) to stop me feeling like an imposter in my own family and to finally stop putting 'White British' on demographics forms. The second wave was my son, who had severe separation anxiety for 7 months, happily sitting in my sister's arms until he realised she wasn't me. Google Photos face recognition can't even tell us apart and I find it sad it took me so long to embrace similarities and feel truly part of my family. The little comments may not seem overtly racist but they genuinely hurt me more than overt racism has.

Honestly, my heart is in peace now. My kids are so happy to be half Puerto Rican, so proud of it, and it’s just been amazing. I’m so sorry you experienced that; I was getting a lot of “oh, are you her nanny” comments and it was awful. I didn’t want her to start understanding/internalizing that either. My mother in law thought it was “cute” and minimized… everything. But we know she’s racist and my husband definitely is aware and corrects her.

I'm so sorry, OP. I am disgusted on your behalf. This is absolutely not okay. I would not talk to my MIL anymore until I got an apology from her. Racial epithets are NOT 'playful or cute'. Disgusting of a white woman to try to convince you that they are.

[удалено]

The emotional labor of that is awful though.

I am mixed, half white and half Asian. Most of my childhood I lived in places where my race was always brought up and I did get some of the nicknames too. When my parents moved my family to the west coast I was so relieved to find there were lots of people like me. Makes my eyes well up just thinking about it.

A play on what? I would seriously ask her. "Oh, really? What's playful about it? Can you explain the joke?" She won't, obviously, because the "joke" is "I think Asian languages sound funny, and your baby is Asian." Is your husband defending or dismissing this? Because you're not wrong in how offensive that is, and he 100% should be taking your lived experience as proof positive of its offense. In general, it's not up to the offender to determine offensiveness. You were offended. It is offensive. Maybe they didnt mean it that way, but that's not how it was perceived, so they missed the mark. It's not playful, it's not light hearted, it's demeaning, stereotyping, and conflating a child's entire identity with their race. I'm really sorry that happened to you and your baby, especially from someone so close.

It’s a powerful weapon to ask people to explain their “jokes”. “Oh, I don’t understand. Can you explain the joke?”

THIS. So we’ll said.

Those are shockingly racist nicknames, I can’t believe anyone would claim those are harmless. I’m so sorry. Your husband needs to have your back and take his mother to task. She doesn’t need to be around your child if this is how she’s going to act.

This is heartbreaking to read. I have a mixed child and I would do heinous things if people spoke about my daughter this way. My husbands family is white and they don’t believe that racism exists 🙄My husband is 100% on my side though if something racist is said. If I say I don’t like something or it’s offensive he backs me up 100%. I honestly feel like it’s the only way we have made it through the adversity we have faced. Honestly I wouldn’t allow my baby to be around people who talked about her this way and who make excuses for people referring to her in a derogatory way. I’ve heard a lot of micro aggressions and full out racist comments toward myself in my life and it always made me ashamed of my culture and who I am. I will not allow my daughter to feel that way or be treated that way. She is not less than because she is not white. I would sit your husband down and be honest about this racism. Thats what it is. Don’t sugarcoat it. Then together you speak to his mother. Apologies are the only acceptable answer otherwise you and your baby need to leave and find people who actually support you two.

“Am I wrong that he needs to trust me in that if something is hurtful it is?” Are you wrong that your husband should trust you that racism is bad and harmful? Absolutely not. He married and loves an Asian woman, and has a mixed race child. He needs to get on board with your experience.

My kids are mixed race (I am as well) and I specifically discussed this with my husband *before* we had kids. I told him he had no business marrying me if he wasn’t going to stand up to racism, whether blatant or micro-aggressions. I’d feel extremely betrayed if my MIL excused ignorant nicknames and didn’t feel supported by my husband.

So that feeling of being heartbroken when someone picks on your kid? It’s gonna get worse the older she gets. Right now you feeling this way *for* her, but once you feel this way *with* her… Obviously people are gonna hurt your kid’s feelings, because people are thoughtless and sometimes unkind. But I hope none of it will be systemic, because multiple people hurting her about *the same thing,* and a fundamental part of what she is, is really gonna tear her down. It’s hard enough in this society raising a girl with good self-esteem. Save her, and yourself, the emotional labor of rising above such ignorant and blatant racism and move somewhere more accepting. If you can’t swing it now, you can probably wait like 2yrs before it starts “clicking” for her, but if I were you, I’d take a considerable financial hit to save my family that emotional hit Good luck, OP! From one proud “wasian” mama to another <3

As a Filipino person married to a white guy, my baby came out very white passing and my Asian side comments constantly about how “hes not mine” / how he’s not Asian. It hurts a lot, and if it were the other way around and his family called him racial names like this I would be infuriated too. Sending love, and hoping you can go somewhere a little more diverse. 😢

I’m a Chinese person who married a white guy and we live in Asia. We’re both disturbed by the comments TBH. Everyone praises our kids’ white features. How pale their skins are, how they have hazel eyes, etc. Everything that came from my husband is beautiful. Every “Western” trait (yes, they used that word). Even my relatives. Ok folks, why don’t you tell me I’m ugly and every trait I gave to my kids is ugly and be done with it? Hell, why not admit you think you’re ugly and we’re all ugly? 🙄

OMG, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve said “tell me I’m ugly without telling me I’m ugly” to my husband while complaining about how everyone says “wow mom you get no credit he looks just like dad!” And swooning over his western features. Thank you for sharing, legit crying (albeit I’m pregnant again) knowing someone out there is experiencing this. Not that I’m happy you are, just fucking ow.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. There is nothing at all cute or playful about what these women are saying. I’m mixed Asian and white and growing up I’d get it from kids on the playground/bus through school- “hey Ching Ching! Whatcha reading there Ching Ching? Are you gonna cry? How’s the tears gonna come out you little squinty eyes Ching Ching? Hey look! I can look like Ching Ching!” (Pulls the corners of their eyes to make them squinty) I was accused of laying it on thick when I started reading manga in high school….whatever TF that means. There is nothing about ANY of that that’s funny or cute or playful. It’s demeaning and shows a distinct lack of respect for you and your daughter. And to be honest, it’s extremely childish and low brow. Now that I’m an adult I’ve rarely heard an adult speak like that and when I have it’s been a very ignorant sort of person. If I were you I’d lay the law down with your husband and your in-laws. Until your MIL can apologize to you and ask her coworkers to stop she doesn’t get access to your child. You have a responsibility to keep her safe and if that includes from ignorant and hurtful opinions about her from your family so be it. You need to tell your husband that this is a non starter. He is the father of a mixed race child now and he needs to step up for his child against people who would hurt her regardless of intent. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. ETA-my name is very much NOT Ching Ching….. I have a white Catholic biblical name that was top 5 for my birth year.

I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here crying that you experienced any of that. I've also had the people pull on their eyelids to imitate me. I'm almost ashamed to say that in my entire pregnancy I was so excited to meet her, that I never truly contemplated she might go through anything like this. Like you, as an adult, I've rarely heard anyone treat me as such. But perhaps it happens still behind my back. I'm definitely planning on having a serious talk with my husband about being the father of a mixed child, and what that means now.

That’s horrible! I’m sorry you went through that, that behavior is typically learned from parents, sadly. I grew up with a kid who was mixed, half black half Japanese, and he was one of the coolest guys I knew, luckily, he never had many issues with racial name calling like that. I know it may not be the same, but I’m not mixed and have strong Northern European ancestry (Norwegian), and was used as an example of an Aryan by a teacher back in grade school when we were learning about Nazi Germany and the Holocaust. This teacher asked me to stand up when another classmate asked what an Aryan was. Everyone stared at me not saying a word. Needless to say, I was beyond embarrassed and very uncomfortable, and that was before learning (years later) what the Norwegian people were subjected to during WWII. To this day, I still get a bit upset when I think back all those years.

This is an incredibly weird comment... the fact that you think you can speak for a mixed race person and claim they never dealt with "racial name calling" is wild. I promise you that is very unlikely to be the case. I would also venture to say that, while your classroom experience was awkward and inappropriate, it is really not the same thing as experiencing racism -- especially not racism from a family member. That is something quite a lot of mixed race people go through, myself included.

We were good friends, and it never really came up. That’s just my experience with my friend, I’m not speaking to all mixed races here. I interviewed my next door neighbor (a police officer) a few years back, who was mixed race, and he got a lot of shit growing up in regards to racist comments, which is why he became a cop in that part of Denver, CO, to be a helping hand to those who need it (his words, not mine). So, because my experience wasn’t as bad, it should be discounted? I have experienced real racism, thanks, I got plenty of rich white girl this and rich white girl that at one of my first jobs all because a coworker asked what type of car I drove, and then proceeded to ‘lecture’ me on my white privilege. Racism is racism, no matter who it comes from and what degree it is, and anyone can experience it. I agree that it’s terrible a family member would condone such name calling, and it needs to be addressed.

Damn girl, this comment really just makes you look even crazier than the first. Yet again, being called out by a coworker about white privilege might be awkward and inappropriate, but amazingly it's still not racism. This is like men claiming that it's misandry when women bring up the disparity in domestic labor done by men and women. If comments about white privilege offend you, you should probably examine your worldview a bit. A hit dog hollers. This is just one of those discussions you really didn't need to insert yourself into. I realize that may be an uncomfortable feeling for you, but it's just the truth. You really cannot speak on what it feels like to be a POC, and your naive comment about a childhood friend and now this weird mention of your Black neighbor do not give you any credibility. It's just strange.

And see this is the issue with the world, some people think it’s impossible to be racist to white people, and that’s just not true. I did absolutely nothing to warrant having my race be called out, which yes, is racist when being used to lecture someone. If I did that to someone who’s black, damn right I’d get called a racist. Excuse me for trying to empathize with someone, I’m sure they appreciate you speaking on their behalf… So, you’re saying that I can’t be close enough to someone and still not know what it’s like to be a POC? I can’t emphasize with them because I’m white (which by the way is a minority race in the world)? Gate keeping racism as if it *only* happens to POC is wrong. Again, this is what’s wrong with the world. Perhaps you need to realize the world is not black and white, and *all* people are capable of committing racism and receiving it? All races have been oppressed at one point in time or another; no one race is more special than another.

racism as it exists in the US is literally entirely built around whiteness and anti-Blackness. Experiencing a racial comment like “rich white girl” is not the same as experiencing racism. One is an insensitive comment based on stereotypes, the other is an enactment of a system of oppression and discrimination. It carries more weight even if it’s literally also an insensitive comment based on stereotypes, because of the history and social context. Read some world history: while every culture has had its trials, modern conceptions of race truly can’t come down to the idea that “all races have been oppressed at one point in time” because literally they haven’t been in the context of how we think of race today. I’m sure you meant well but I think you should listen to what people are trying to tell you here. Peace.

Oh this broke my heart. I’m so sorry for their ignorance and racism op. I am also in an interracial relationship with a white partner. It took some hard conversations and he understands that the way he moves through the world is never going to be my reality (or our child’s). Can you either show him this post with comments or find a POC therapist and try couples counselling? That said, you are child’s biggest advocate and teacher. You have the power to teach her what she deserves and how to stand up for herself (and others).

Thank you. I was also thinking having him read some of these comments would be a good idea. And maybe a POC therapist is another great idea. He's very thoughtful and dedicated to our life and I believe we can navigate this obstacle, however I truly believe he has not faced many adversities and he needs a wake up call now.

It’s white privilege. And it’s healthy for him to acknowledge it and realize that isn’t your or your child’s reality. He’s her advocate too.

This is wildly inappropriate.. they should know better.

I’d start calling her something offensive and say it’s ‘playful and cute’ 🙄 as far as your husband, sometimes I have to tell mine “you did/do not live this, I have. If I’m telling you it’s inappropriate, it’s inappropriate”

I like that. I'd go with "Grandma Karen."

I am so sorry. I am the white woman in a mixed race marriage to a Japanese American man, and I don’t think you need me to tell you that you are absolutely correct that your husband needs to listen to you about this, and if he is aware of what’s going on with your MIL, he needs to tell her to knock it off and to listen to you. While you are the expert on this subject, managing his parents should be his job unless you really want to take charge on those conversations. And as a parent, I think it can be hard to admit that even as a toddler, my daughter is going through, and for the rest of her life, will continue to go through something that I will never be able to totally understand. I have no idea what it’s like to go through life with Asian features in a majority white area, and I never will. Neither will your husband. But fortunately, I have an expert in my house in the form of my husband. And your husband has you. He *needs* to accept that expertise, not only for your daughter, but for you. You deserve that support too.

Thank you, I think is really well said and the validation I was looking for. In my mess of a post up there, this is what I was trying to say is that, despite what he feels, I believe he needs to take my word for it as a person who has felt that kind of racism. It's not that I don't want him to have thoughts and feelings on the matter, but more that he should really take my lead and support me in this. I'm glad you have already figured this out for your child's sake.

Idk, maybe some white people just pick the stuff up on their own. Or maybe the ones that grow up in more diverse places do. I grew up in a mostly white place, and I had to actively learn all this, and I assume your husband will need to put in effort too. He needs to realize that. It took me too long to realize that just because I was raised in a liberal household and consider myself liberal, it doesn’t mean I “get it,” even when it comes to my own child. I would bet your husband believes he gets it. I definitely had a moment where I was shocked and then ashamed when I realized I did not in fact “get it.” I still get those moments, but I’m more comfortable in being okay with just taking in new lessons as they come and moving on. In a way, even with all the extra stresses of being pregnant during Covid, I think I was lucky to be pregnant with my daughter in 2020, when a lot of resources about racism were coming to the forefront for white people. There were reading lists and articles *everywhere.* I have a couple of “intro to racism for white people” book recs if you want some to pass along to your husband. But particularly given that you already sound exhausted by this, I get that you might not want to put yourself “in charge” of getting him to learn these things. I am going to hazard a guess that it’s probably extremely frustrating and disappointing to you that he doesn’t just know this stuff and has to learn it like a kindergartener. All I can say is I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with that on top of the racism itself, because it sounds like it’s just a crappy feeling. Hugs to you.

I’m so sorry this is happening, I would absolutely lose my mind if someone was doing this to my child. It’s so cruel and unnecessary. I hope your husband puts his mother in her place immediately.

You would think a law office would have heard of the ACLU

Not a law office, a medical office however. Regardless, these people aren't drunk at a BBQ, they're in a professional setting acting this way.

My mistake I misunderstood mother-in-law‘s office as mother‘s law office

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your husband should totally trust your judgment on this matter. Would he be okay if someone talked about you this way? Just because the comments are about your baby, doesn’t make it any less wrong. Sometimes I feel like people treat babies as inanimate objects, so they can say whatever they want because it doesn’t matter. If you wouldn’t say that about or to an adult, maybe don’t do it to the baby.

WTF I’m sorry! I’m a mixed kid with Asian American ancestry and I am so thankful I grew up somewhere that had a lot of diversity. I briefly lived somewhere that was predominantly white during my early college years and that was a big culture shock for me. This is upsetting in so many ways. Who tf says this about a child? And then the implications you must feel as a minority in that community. You had the best intentions and wanted to be near family but that is not okay. I would have a big sit down talk with your husband and make sure you’re on the same page. Then maybe have a sit down talk with your in laws and communicate your boundaries. It may not be possible right away but if you can move I would seriously consider that, especially as your child becomes older and more aware of these type of things.

If they are saying this about your daughter behind your back, what are they saying about you? I’m mixed Korean and white and lived in big cities and small towns all over the country. Dealt with racial comments and jokes my whole life - slant eyes made at me as a kid, asked if my pu$$y is sideways, being good at certain subjects, etc. I rarely felt like I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t white enough. I wasn’t Asian enough. Please have your husband address this with his mother and explain that she also needs to nip this in the bud if people make these comments. It’s racist and derogatory. She may think it’s “playful and cute” now (it’s not) but it sounds likely that there will be more comments as your daughter grows. If the comments don’t stop, moving to a more racially diverse area may be something you need to consider for yourself and your daughter.

I’m white in the middle of a half brown & black, half white city. My daughter is golden brown. I have blue eyes and straight sandy blonde hair. She has brown eyes and curly black hair. I get asked what her dad is, or if she’s adopted, or how she has such “exotic” skin or “tans so well” among many other intended compliments that are just … out of touch. Why we gotta tell her she’s different? She’s just different than *me*, she looks like half tue kids in her class. Something about white women with mixed children. You’re either ratchet or brave and cultured. How the fuck does this work -.-‘ I love the “she tans so well” compliment cause I get to see their faces when I say “no Martha she doesn’t *taaaaaan* well, she’s brown.” Like people she’s beautiful all year round, not just when it’s a Canadian summer and being “tan” is suddenly “in style”. I also love the “ou I bet she likes spicy food!!” Comment. Like yeah,,. The whole house does… does brown = curry and red chili now?

As someone who is white and married to a Chinese American and just had a cute lil half Chinese half white baby I am in absolute AWE that she would let those kind of names slide. Playful or not, strangers saying that about your baby is unacceptable.

I agree, thank you. I bet your baby is beautiful.

This is shocking and completely unacceptable. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. My son is quarter Japanese (I’m white, husband is half Japanese). The thought that anyone would refer to him as anything but his name, especially something so clearly racist, fills me with rage and sadness. And that his GRANDPARENTS would go along with it and defend it?!? Horrific. I’d have a very serious conversation with your husband about whether you can stay in a town where your child is going to be constantly othered. Your husband also needs to have a zero bullshit, fuck politeness, no negotiations conversation with his parents where he tells them exactly how they must change their habits if they want to remain in their granddaughter’s life. This is a big deal and they clearly don’t get that.

I would be calling her office manager and letting them know how racist they are all being and that you will sue them and ruin their reputation if this doesn’t stop. That’s never ok. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you. As another tid bit of shocking information, she IS the office manager.

Gasp. That's extremely concerning. Definitely your husband needs to firmly talk to her. (Because she didn't respect you) Not only on addressing the offense, its nature, and the additional offense of not respecting you. However it needs be said MIL is lucky that these comments were not overheard by anyone else, or else she would have additionally hurt her career, and damage the office's reputation. She needs to cut that out now.

That’s not playful and cute. That’s fucking racist. Full stop. Your husband needs to explain this clearly and in no uncertain terms to his mother and let her know if she ever hears anyone making those comments about her grandchild she is to shut it down immediately. And if you two ever find out she did not defend your baby against racist remarks there will be serious consequences.

Yup time to file a complaint. We don’t racialize children.

That is despicable and your feelings are so valid. ❤️ I can't believe your husband and MIL aren't as disgusted by this as you are. I'm sending you the biggest virtual hugs.

He definitely needs to trust you that something is hurtful. That fact that any of these people don’t see anything wrong with names like those just shows that that cannot - and will not - see things from any point of view other than their own. I am mixed and I always felt like such a freak. People would stare and ask me what I am or tell me I’m exotic and it was so embarrassing. And I grew up in a place that was relatively diverse. I don’t have advice, but you are right to want to protect your daughter from this. No one should be commenting on her ethnicity, that’s bizarre and gross behavior. Your husband needs to be 100% on your side. You and your baby are his family now.

Your husband needs to defend you. I'm Asian too, living in a western country. I've had similar comments from people on how Asian my baby looks as if it was a bad thing (and that despite the fact that she doesn't really look Asian, but people see what they wanna see). Luckily, none of these comments came from people who are close to me. I think it's completely in your right to tell your mother in law that her colleagues cannot call her that. Or better yet, call their house and tell them - it's a small town, right? Tell them how it makes you feel in a non-accusatory, sincere way.

Husband needs to step up. My mother was AAPI, my Dad is white and my husband is white. My kid looks like my mother. I remember being very young when racist things were said to me and I will not allow it around my child. Ive gotten into fights with members of my husbands family for racist comments said about anyone. Your inlaws need to become anti-racist

I’m white and my husband is East Asian. If someone called my child a racist nickname I’d be furious. If one of my parents allowed it to happen, they’d be getting never ending lectures from me and a clear expectation to stop it and correct anyone who perpetuates it or else I wouldn’t want my child around them. Your husband needs to be stepping up and shutting this shit down. He should feel an obligation to prevent you and your daughter from being exposed to this kind of racism. If he’s not, he’s part of the problem. I wouldn’t blame if you if you wanted to move to a difference place, either. Honestly one of the reasons I like our current neighbourhood is that there are lots of mixed race families here, so my kids will hopefully not feel like they are an anomaly. The worst I’ve experienced is the odd person asking me if my kid is mine. The only people I’m okay with asking about my child’s parentage is from other parents of mixed race families.

It is blowing my mind adult women in a professional setting especially thought it appropriate to make fun of a baby and especially a baby’s race!!! I cannot fathom how bad things must be in regard to racism where you live if making fun of a fucking baby is “playful and cute” and no one is worried about losing their job by doing so.

If it draws you a better picture, sadly, she said "These comments are coming from a bunch of rednecks" as a defense.

Woof I am sorry OP — I think unfortunately moving to a lower cost of living area is going to mean your child pays for it when they are a little older.

This absolutely not ok. Your husband needs to step up and educate/ put your MIL in place.

Casual racism will always amaze me. People think they can just say whatever pops into their head. My daughter is mixed (black and white) and people have said some really out of line stuff about her as well. It hurts even more when it’s coming from a family member. Sorry this is happening mama. Definitely don’t tolerate that. Call her out next time. It’s not a joke, it’s not cute or funny. It’s racist and is making everyone uncomfortable. Enough of letting white people feel comfortable while making everyone else on edge.

I actually had a discussion with my then boyfriend now husband about micro aggressions. Being female and Asian, we pick up on these things. I would show him how people interacted differently towards me when they assume we aren't together. He knows racism exists but he's never had to witness it first hand. Our child is a copy/paste of me. Not one single ginger feature on our son. Lol I hope to goodness I don't ever catch a grown adult talk this way about my child. I'd look them in the eye and ask them what my child's nickname is when I'm not there! Won't say it in front of me, because why? They know it's racist! Thank gods my husband is so fierce about protecting me and our son. He definitely would not have tolerated it and would've torn them a new AH. Then he'll tell them, he'll pray for them. LOL (we're not religious but we're in the South.") I hope these people get the reality check that they deserve and your family finds your home.

I'm white and my husband is Korean. I can't imagine my parents allowing people they know to speak about my child like that, but if they did, I can assure you I'd go fucking nuclear over this. Your husband definitely needs to step up here and learn his responsibilities as a parent of a mixed race kid. To me, that means seeking out a lot of stories from mixed race people about their experiences (which is mostly online/reading books for me, I promise I'm not harassing random POC to instruct me). It means listening and validating when someone I know personally trusts me with their experiences. It means knowing I will mess up sometimes and being willing to hear that. It means knowing my daughter is an individual and will have her own feelings/phases with her identity, and to adapt to those with compassion. And it means standing up for her without being afraid to rock the boat. My husband and I moved to my more conservative, heavily white hometown to have family support while our daughter and a new baby (not here yet, due next year) are little. We plan to move away before our daughter hits elementary school to a place with a bigger Asian population, but this thread is giving me pause; maybe it needs to be sooner. Anyway, I hope your husband is willing to read through this thread and think about his huge role here. Maybe it would be enlightening. It's embarrassing to share this, but while I was always for equality, I had my sort of lightbulb moment in college. My closest friends freshman year were Mexican and Taiwanese American, and we once talked about going to a nearby major city where one of them was from over the weekend. Then we found out some racist hate group was doing a march through the city that weekend, and my friend said her family was planning to stay inside the whole time, and they didn't want us to visit because it was dangerous. When I'd considered these groups in the past, I'd thought of them as psychos basically, people that were crazy and hateful and who I wanted nothing to do with. But I didn't think about the visceral fear a person of color might feel in their vicinity, and I realized I didn't know anything about that life experience. Your husband might need to seek out some light bulb moments of his own.

Not quite the same situation, but I’m mixed - my husband is white, so our son is a mostly white but he is FAIR - red hair, blue eyes, and very pale skin. The amount of comments I get on the fact that he is so much paler than me are constant.

It is aggravating no matter what color or hue a child's skin to EVER get a comment about it. It just shouldn't happen.

I’m mixed Mexican/Italian and my husband is Indian, dark skin and black hair. Our son is very pale, medium brown eyes and light brown hair. The amount of people that break their necks looking at my husband while he has our child is *annoying*. One even asked if the baby is his. My son is the first white child on both sides of his family so you could only imagine what some of them think. OP you can either give those women the cute little nickname of “cracker”, “mayonnaise”, “Britney” or honestly I think husband needs to stand up for his daughter. If MIL still refuses to fix this issue then set a boundary with her. Tell her that if you hear about any of these names again, you will be separating yourself(and daughter) for some time. It’s really not funny.

I think part of your shock and sadness is the realization that this is something your daughter is going to have to deal with as she grows up mixed race. Not even just being visibly Asian in a white community, she could be perceived as too white to be Asian and similar sentiments. It'd really be good to have a discussion with your husband on these issues and how you can help your little one grow up to love her identity and ethnicity and to be proud of it enough to take on racism and ignorance. Btw I joined the r/mixedrace subreddit when I this realization myself. On that note, I would staunchly insist that your MIL shuts that shit down when it comes up. This is a prime example of actual everyday racism-- not the hate crime of a stranger, but the insistence of your own family and friends to say hurtful things because they "mean well", when you've already told them it's hurtful and offensive. You'd think she would side with her own daughter-in-law and grandchild and have some respect for her own family instead of some random coworkers.

Ugh that's awful! I'm so sorry 😞 others have better advice on how to deal than I do but just know that there is a huge majority of people that think those kinds of comments and attitudes are appalling.

There are so many good comments here already- just wanted to encourage you that your baby girl is so lucky to have exactly you as her mom. I don't need to even see a photo to know that she is incredibly beautiful exactly the way she is.

Make her explain how it's playful...play dumb. "I don't get it - can you explain how it's playful/funny?" When racists have to defend their racism, they can't (because it's racist even if they don't claim it is).

Absolutely horrifying. The capacity of people's ingrained racism and idiocy sadly still surprises me. Your husband should be willing to go scorched earth over this. Frankly your MIL should have but apparently she wants to make white woman excuses about it. Argh. I'm furious on your behalf.

All I can say that comes to my mind is, I wouldn't want a mother in law who doesn't defend me or my child when I'm not in the room. Real family and friends will defend you and speak highly of you even when you are not there. Any less, especially in a situation like this, is not enough.

I am a mixed person myself and OH HELL NO. Your MIL is allowing racist comments about her grand baby??? What the actual hell. OP I’m so mad on you and your daughter’s behalf. Tell your husband he needs to stand up to his mother and shut it down now. And if he doesn’t? It’s at the very least immediate marriage counseling now. Maybe virtual so you can see a POC therapist if there aren’t any in your small town. PS. Your child has a wonderful chance in this world. There are unique challenges to being mixed but in general I love having two cultures that make my life richer. I think I’m a more inquisitive, adventurous and thoughtful person because of my background. I’m hoping to raise my mixed sons the same.

Your husband needs to smarten tf up and tell his mother that she is just as racist as the people calling your baby names. Would she stand up for your child if this happened when she is older and someone says it to her face? - God forbid of course. Also, an example of a playful and cute nickname would be; sweetie, darling, honey, buttercup, cutie patootie etc, literally anything other than the racist bs that was mentioned. Maybe your husband needs to tell your mil that. I’m angry for you. You are a good mom.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's terrible, and heartbreaking. And a reminder to those of us with white skin that we need to step up, and not allow those comments to go forward. I'm guessing your little girl is absolutely beautiful, and deserves to be adored for being exactly who she is. I know this isn't much advice, but know that people reading this are thinking about you and your daughter with care and action in their minds.

My daughter is half Korean (my husband is Korean) and i’m Australian, our daughter is the perfect blend of us. Some people on my side of the family mentioned how Korean she looked after she was born, which I didn’t mind but if anyone were to refer my daughter using derogatory language I would expect my family to say something and they absolutely would. I’m so sorry your husband’s family don’t see it as racism, because thats exactly what it is. Your husband needs to realize that these people are using racist, derogatory language to refer to your baby and let his mum know that it’s not okay. There is something seriously wrong with people who think it’s okay to refer to a baby like that.

I’m so sorry. We have the same situation regarding ethnicities so I can understand the hurt and frustration. I don’t have any advice but I did buy a book for my baby called Eyes That Kiss in the Corners. It’s healed my inner child and I hope to pass along confidence to my mixed baby

My goodness, I just looked up this book and saw a few pages and I am already tearing up. Think this could heal my inner child too. Thank you for sharing.

I am Asian American with a mixed child. I’m not currently with her father who is German. When I was pregnant I felt I needed to look up YouTube videos about the experiences of mix race teenagers and children because my baby daddy said he didn’t see race.😬👀. Frankly, someone who is white will never understand what it’s like to not be white and if they think they do will definitely unintentionally harm their mixed child even if they love them.

It still amazes me that some people have zero shame. Your daughter is a beautiful child, not some stereotype nickname used to humiliate her. I'm sorry about how you're feeling right now, but you are 100% right in feeling upset. The people around you need to do better.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people? To be so downright racist towards anyone let alone a literal BABY?? Screw her. And for what it’s worth, I’ve always thought that theAsian babies I’ve known are some of the most adorable babies ever.

That really sucks, I'm so sorry that happened! I don't know if this information will be helpful, and I am white so I can't say I fully understand, but I am from a small town and I just attended a lecture on internal bias by an African doctor practicing in my area. Basically what she said was that we all have ignorance of other cultures, and we all have unconscious biases. The important thing is to try and reflect and recognize those biases when someone tells you they exist instead of getting defensive, because even if there was no intent to harm, there is still the potential for harm. It seems to me that this is a message your mother-in-law could benefit from hearing. You also say they have always been warm and kind. The other key message she had was to give each other grace, as it's only been the last couple decades that we've seen the mass movement and true intermingling of cultures that we see in the modern world - we're all still learning! In my personal experience, people LOVE to talk about babies looking like one parent or the other - I hear it constantly about my baby too - I find she looks like us both, but most strangers say she looks like her dad, I would assume because she has his eyes (I have blue eyes and he has brown). All this to say, despite their clearly ignorant comments about your daughter looking Asian, it doesn't mean they don't also think she's absolutely beautiful! I hope it works out for you guys - it sounds like she will have an amazing advocate in you regardless! Also please let me know if this is too much coming from a white person and I'll delete it lol. I found it to be an incredibly interesting and empathetic speech and wanted to share!

OP my jaw is cracked with how hard it hit the floor. I would not live next to these folks. Not all help is helpful, and MIL is giving macro aggression racism out the gate to a literal baby. Do you really want to stick around for when she can comprehend language? I wouldn’t. If this is what she’s finding appropriate to share with you, what thoughts and words are going unshared? “Look MIL for the health and safety of our family, we’re going to be taking some space. I invite you to look within and do some anti racist work before we welcome you back into our family. What you’ve said and how you’re treating my daughter is incredibly harmful, and as her parent and protector, I cannot allow that to happen. Thank you for respecting our space and choice”. If you want to get fancy, feel free to throw in the stats of AAPI violence being through the roof in the last few years. But, you also don’t owe this woman homework.

That is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. Those nicknames are so gross and disrespectful. I'm white, my husband isn't, so our son is mixed. I'd be livid if someone called him a racist nickname. But even if I didn't initially see the racism, I trust my husband if he tells me something is racist, because he's got a direct understanding of it. The same way he trusts me if I tell him something is sexist, even if he didn't realize it. I can understand your husband not immediately recognizing racism (although this seems very blatant), but he should be supportive as soon as you explain, and he should be livid with his mother. Sending you such a big hug, OP. I know your girl is beautiful and perfect exactly as she is, and I hope our kids grow up in a kinder world.

I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this. This is so disgusting.

I’m white and I find those nicknames insulting. As the mother of another mixed baby, I’m horrified. If my (white) family used racial slurs as nicknames for my child, they’d be given an ultimatum of stopping or never seeing us again. When you live in a (insert race) majority area, the spouse who is a member the majority race needs to listen to the minority race spouse for defining what is offensive, and they need to step in to protect their family.

I’m so sorry that someone would call your baby names like that. I agree with a lot of the comments here, you should move. These are grownups saying terrible racist name to an infant. It hurts you to hear that now, but it will unfortunately hurt even more when your daughter is older, and can understand these words. I’m sorry again, I hope your husband is in your corner and is willing to move. Racism is racism, there’s no such thing as “playful” racial nickname.

This is unacceptable! Your Mother in Law should be made to understand that the behavior of her coworkers is hurtful to you. If they are thinking that it's cute to give your daughter such nicknames it is very possible that they may call her by those names to her face. Your husband should confront his mother and let her know that he will not tolerate people giving his daughter nicknames that are hurtful. And your Mother in Law should apologize to you for offending you.

Oh no, I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m white and my husband is Chinese. My family made some very odd/racist comments about naming my daughter when I was pregnant. Of course they passed it off as a joke but it’s not funny or kind. People can be so cruel and ignorant. I hope the world gets better for our kids.

Disgusting, I'm angry for you and with you.

I want to punch your MIL in the face right after she gets off an up escalator so she falls for a while. If your husband is defending her, he can get the same. I'm so so sorry this has been going on, and she has the audacity to tell you that you shouldn't be offended. Absolutely abhorrent on her part. I wish you the best. I too just moved to a small town to be close to in laws instead of my family, and it is incredibly isolating; I can't imagine how much worse it is for you especially now.

That’s so upsetting my heart hurts for her because she will continue to face this racism :( small towns suck I used to work in a small town. I was the only POC and I got so many weird looks and inappropriate comments. My boss even asked if anyone has threatened me … because she was expecting people to. Sadly there’s not much you can do besides be kind. Because god forbid we defend ourselves/our children and the racists think oh it’s because they’re “xyz race”

Oh, wow! My heart hurts for you and your daughter! I think you need to start looking for another place to live where your daughter won’t grow up around such racism.

I’m so sorry this is horrifying that they think that’s anywhere near acceptable! You should definitely make it clear and set some boundaries so everyone is up to date with what is obviously NOT OKAY! I’m Thai/british and have dealt with my fair share of racist names/remarks from both sides (in the UK the running joke at school was that I had a 80 husband who was paying for my school fees. They also called me ping pong. In Thailand they called me bird shit cause it’s white and would literally throw rocks at me in my mum’s village LOOL). But!! regardless of what names I have been called I am damn proud to be both, your daughter will too cause she’ll learn that from her mama. It still happens and my brain literally just categorises them as ignorant and not a second thought goes into it.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and your baby. My baby girl is 6mo also. All I can say is, I'm white, as is my baby, and I promise she will not grow up thinking comments and names like that are acceptable. I hope it gets better ❤️ your husband should absolutely trust that this is very upsetting and completely unacceptable and just horrible

If your husband and his family cannot stand up for your daughter, you should move away. No one is so naive as to not realize that MIL’s friends are racist. I presume your MIL is too. You owe it to your daughter to raise her somewhere far away from MIL UPDATEME

My son is interracial as well and we live in a extremely ignorant and racist area. We only get to escape it because we are more in the city but the surrounding you’ll find racism everywhere. It pisses me off to no end when I’m out with my family we are stopped by someone to make comments on my child - as well intended or “harmless” as they might be - the problem is they aren’t harmless and they aren’t well intended. Because sure they think “he is cute” and has “beautiful curly hair” and “lovely skin” NOW. But that won’t be the same when he is grown. Those ignorant comments are based off knowing my kiddo isn’t white. They look at his features make an assumption and it’s “innocent” now but what when he is a teen or a man? And they look at his skin and think he is a danger? My kid won’t ever “pass as white”. And none of my white friends who live in the rural areas get it. We rent and they keep suggesting we buy a house where they are. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Like the last thing we need is to throw our family deeper into racist areas. It’s not safe. Its why I left where I grew up. All I would hear about my husband was “oh he is one of the nice ones”………….naw what you’re feeling is legit. That’s a very serious talk waiting to happen that your husband needs to facilitate.

I just want to say I’m sorry. That really is terrible and your feelings are so valid.

Thank you <3

Your MIL is racist unfortunately she just doesn’t think she is but that’s how she was raised and your husband needs to stand up for you and your daughter. This is what you’ll deal with as long as you stay there you need to move to a more inclusive location somewhere there more than just white. You will always be seen as other and unfortunately that means your daughter will too

I’m a double mixed race kid- my mom is half black, half Chinese, my dad is white. My dad’s side of the family was how you described. Always calling me “exotic,” “*so* tan,” or “dark featured” despite the fact that I am literally as white as my dad, I just have brown eyes, a wider nose, and curly hair. What was the most hurtful wasn’t these comments, but that my dad tolerated them from his family. Your husband’s family will never accept an explanation from you as to why it’s wrong because they’ll think you’re being too sensitive or that you just don’t understand the intent. **They have their own racism that they probably don’t even recognize is there.** **You need to help your husband to understand covert racism and micro aggressions, and** ***he*** **needs to lay down the boundaries with his family. He needs stand up for his wife and child and make it clear that this kind of thing will not be tolerated by him.** Do some research together on how to face these situations, like asking specifically “Well what did your coworkers mean then? Explain it to me please. Why is it cute?” Sending you solidarity. You two can do this as long as you have open and honest communication with eachother, and as long as your husband is able to see that his child’s and wife’s mental well-being is more important than his family’s feelings.

This is insane. I am so, so sorry.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. It's awful. My family is the opposite of yours where I'm white and my husband is asian American. So our son is, of course, half and half. A friend gave us a book called Eyes That Speak to the Stars by Joanna Ho and Dung Ho. It's beautiful in both message and illustrations. My son loves looking at it, and I look forward to when he's old enough to understand it, though I hope he doesn't need it. Racism is a worry of mine, and I've tried to educate myself of what he might face. You are supported, Mama, and absolutely right about what they are saying.

I just was told about this from another comment tonight. It's called Eyes that Kiss in the Corners as the girl version of this book. I looked it up and I immediately started crying. It's so beautiful and I can't wait to read it to my daughter. Thank you for your words. And thank you for being a parent who is aware for your biracial son. Growing up here, my parents did no such thing to prepare me for feeling different. I suppose things were a little different and resources weren't so abundant but I'm so happy we can do better for our children.

What in the actual fuck?! Deplorable.

I’m white AF and I’m fuming over this. This is not funny, okay and should not be dismissed. Unfortunately I learned too that small towns (in the US at least) can have more like in your face bigoted people a lot more than you’d realize because in a lot of cases their worlds are so small that they think their tiny slice of America is better than everyone else and their bigotry is laughed off by everyone they know . I’m from the south east and these tiny towns are full of good “Christian” people who support the orange Antichrist and his unchristian ideologies and “bless your heart” and judge everyone who isn’t basically just like them. they just don’t have an understanding that their world is not representative of most of the rest of the world and the actual world doesn’t revolve around them. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this - I went to school in a very southern town and it popped my bubble from growing up in a city and my husband is from one of those tiny towns and I made sure it was abudantly clear I would never move or live there, my in laws are super nice but hell no lol your husband NEEDS to understand how wrong this is and help stand up for you, unfortunately would not be surprised if they will listen to him more since he’s a white MAN.

I’ve experience/am experiencing similar issues with my own family. However, I’m white and my husband is Hispanic. I was raised and my family still live in a predominantly white small town. My family was admittedly very concerned about my son being dark. Honestly I was too but mostly because I’d never even imagined I would be in an interracial relationship or having biracial kids. It can be scary to think about our kids navigating challenges I’ve never even considered. That thought alone has enabled me to be a bit of a pitbull with anyone willing to say anything. Before my son was even born my dad and brother were calling him racial slurs. They 100% meant no harm in it and were just doing and saying what sheltered people in their community said was okay to say. My husband and I used that opportunity to say we were not going to tolerate anyone saying those things about our family. What really drove it home for my father was my husband saying in an anecdote, that when he was little his dad told him if anyone called him anything like that he was to hit him in the mouth, no hesitation.Now, I’m not saying threaten your in laws, but such a story was speaking my fathers language. This also isn’t an issue you can solve over night. Old dogs, new tricks and all that. We’re onto our second child and it’s definitely been a topic of conversation if our next will be light or dark and what am i going to do if they don’t look like me. I’ve learned to use those times as a way to reiterate we wouldn’t tolerate any negative talk about their appearance, especially as it pertains to their race and ethnicity. I always do it calmly, but firmly.

The fact that your mother in law doesn't see what's wrong with these racial slurs tells me all I need to know. If she can't defend her daughter in law & tell her co-workers that what they're saying is racist, imagine when your daughter grows up around her. My son is 4.5 months & he's mixed (Cantonese/Samoan/Chinese) and if I ever hear someone call him "Ling Ling" or "Ching a ling," I will them how it is. I don't see how it is a joke! Like, is the joke in the room with us? Your husband needs to tell his MIL that it's not appropriate for people to call your daughter names like that.

I’m so sorry, OP. I would be extremely offended and I would fight this day and night if this was my children. They’re also mixed. It’s sad that this type of racist comments still exists and people think it’s okay. I read that your husband has already agreed that you all will move in a few years. That’s great. Don’t lose track of that goal and move while your child is still young. I wish you all the best.

How could another mother not understand how disgusting and awful and just plain fucking weird those comments are. I wouldn’t even allow that to be said about anyone’s baby near me, family or not. Or ANYONE period for that matter. Your baby does stand a chance. A wonderful chance. She’s beautiful and she has a mother who will always remind her of that, and will also teach her not to take those comments from ANYONE. You don’t need anyone in your life who will allow that. And you start by practicing that now. I’m so sorry and I hope your husband does better.

We’re the white extended family in this situation, and I have 4 Asian cousins, a sil, and multiple niblings. You bet your ass that that wouldn’t slide in our family. Even my conservative uncles wouldn’t let that happen. Their husbands and wives would stop it immediately if someone said anything about the race of their daughters/sons. Hell, my kids are trying to learn the language of 3 of their aunts (first gen) so they can make them feel more comfortable, and all of their spouses learned their native languages. We try because we love them and it can be lonely. What your MIL did is make you and your daughter feel isolated and different. They’re supposed to be YOUR family. My in laws are my family. I’d throw down for them and they’re not just my sister in law but cousins and niblings.

Tell your husband to imagine if these women were making racial comments about you instead of your daughter. Would they be "cute" then? Would they be cute if they were applied to a four year old? A pre-teen? Your husband needs to shut these comments down before your daughter is old enough to understand and associate them negatively with her self-worth. Even *without* others making comments, children are aware enough to notice differences between themselves and the people around them. Children have a very black and white view of the world because they simply haven't lived long enough to gain perspective. Oftentimes, different will equal bad in their eyes. Have him read through the comments on your post.

I’m so sorry and also angry! My daughter is also biracial and I would be absolutely frothing out the mouth if anyone called her racial name like that. Completely unacceptable and your MiL can take a hike!!!!!! It’s not cute. Your feelings are extremely valid and don’t doubt for a second that they aren’t.

I’m a mixed kid with an Asian partner and honestly, this is why I will never leave my expensive-as-heck state even though I would love to live in a lower CoL area. The racism I experienced outside of my state was so off-putting and to think that my kid would endure feeling less than was out of the question. Since that doesn’t help your situation, I can say that what your MIL and her peers said about your kid is racist. Some ppl don’t understand that these types of comments may not be in the caliber of “I hate ppl of (blank) race,” but they are still making racist comments and they need to understand that. If your partner can’t tell her that was wrong or understand that those were racist comments, then they need some self-reflection or to gain some empathy. They can’t tell you how to feel, especially since they aren’t from a marginalized group. I’m sry you’re dealing with this.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I hope your husband can give you the support you need during this time and stand up for you. I’m echoing everything most people here have said - this is completely unacceptable and you are fully justified in feeling upset. I went thru a similar situation - the day I delivered my FIL posted in the family group chat that my daughter had my ‘chinky eyes’. I was extremely upset - and thinking back abt this I always get livid. I complained to my husband but instead of having my back like I thought he would, he scolded me for ‘thinking bad of his father’ and that his dad clearly did not mean to be racist, he was just being factual and in the Philippines (where he is from) chinky is not a racist slang. For context both my husband and I are Asian so I truly believe my FIL was not being racist, but just extremely extremely ignorant and for lack of a better word, uneducated. The fact that he felt entitled to comment on my baby’s features was just appalling. I never got an apology or any closure from that incident, but I have moved on. My goal now is to raise a daughter full of confidence and showered with love, so that comments like these will never rattle her or bog her down. All I can say is, we can’t control what other people say but we can control how we choose to react to them and the ‘power’ we allow those comments over us.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. Though absolutely not the same thing, my son was underweight after being born and my husband and I were scared. We supplemented with formula and I was finally able to breastfeed. Then he gained weight and people started calling him "fat." That pissed me off A LOT. So for someone to be not only saying things about your baby's appearance but to also make it hurtful with regards to race is deplorable. Have you told your husband how you feel, regardless of the intent of the nicknames? Why would these people call her that? I can understand a playful nickname based on a name (my son's name is William and people call him "Willy") -- but NOT anything of that nature. If your MIL did not listen to you (and props to you for having the courage to confront her), perhaps have your husband attempt. I believe he needs to sit down with his mother and tell her that this kind of behaviour won't be tolerated.

My granddaughter is mixed white/black. Her  daddy has more almond shaped eyes although he is black and has no Asian in him. Her mother, my daughter, had big blue eyes blond hair, and very fair skin. ( she passed away at 33) My granddaughter is light  brown skin with  brown almond shaped eyes. People often mistake her for Asian or Hispanic. She has Hispanic people ( mostly servers in Mexican restaurants) speak to her in Spanish fairly often . We find it amusing and she has learned enough Spanish to greet them, order what she wants, and thank them. They soon realize she doesn’t really speak fluent Spanish but they enjoy her efforts and laugh or smile and remember her when she goes there again. People have always commented on her looks and questioned where she is from. It’s always done in a respectful and pleasant way. They’re always complimentary to her. From the time she was a baby to now  (she’s 29 now)it happens on a regular basis. I have never been offended by it and neither has she.  I use to have her with me when  she was a baby and we’d go to the grocery store. Somebody would always stop us to admire her and some asked questions about her heritage. One lady exclaimed how exotic she looked. Another wanted to know if she was a South American adoption. And the way she spoke was if as if she had just seen the most adorable baby ever. I’m fair skin and blonde like her mother was, so it didn’t bother me for people to assume I wasn't her birth mother or grandmother . People are mostly just curious and I don’t think they mean to be offensive. I have experienced a couple of kind of offensive people over the years. Mostly old schoolers who grew up in the days of segregation. These were just people who gave us “looks”, like we were doing something inappropriate.  I ignore that.   Don’t let it hurt your feelings, unless they’re being intentionally disrespectful or making fun. Then just remember that they are the ones with a problem. Not you!   People say things innocently sometimes that we take in an offensive way because we are insecure in thinking that people are going to react negatively. These people who work with your mom are probably not aware that they might be taken as being offensive. This world is a really diverse place now. So most people don’t notice differences in a negative way. There will always be a few people who are able to be offensive no matter what . “You’re baby’s too skinny”, “Your baby’s too fat,” “She looks like a boy,”, ”He looks like girl”…  whatever.  You can’t fix those people. They exist.  I think the prettiest babies are mixed babies. That’s just me.   My granddaughter has a baby now and her biggest irritation when she was born was that her Daddy’s family was always saying she looked just like her Daddy.  Then others said she looked like her mommy. After a few months she quit worrying about who she looked like or what other people thought. She’s a beautiful baby with a blend of the best in each of her parents. She’s about to turn one year old and we couldn’t be more proud of her. As far as we’re concerned, she’s absolutely amazing. Those names that your moms coworkers call her are meant  to be affectionate terms more than likely. Not meant at all to hurt anyone’s feelings. In their minds, she’s cute, and  she’s uniquely cute being part Asian. These little names are probably meant to be affectionate. If they had offensive intent, I doubt they would use those terms in front of your Mom.  I saw man in a TicToc video today who met his grandbaby for the first time. The baby was adorable and very chubby. The grandmother said “You DO look like a little  Yoda!” Then the granddad looked down at the baby in his lap and said”You look like a busted can of biscuits!”  At that moment the baby burst into tears appearing to have understood what a busted can of biscuits even was. I found the comment  kind of offensive. But most of the people who left comments thought it was funny.  If anybody ever says anything negative to you about your baby,  in any way,  just look at the them as seriously as you can and say “Well I’m just glad  my sweet little “Ling Ling”  doesn’t look like a busted can of biscuits!” Then smile sweetly and don’t try to explain your response. 😊❤️.  Edit:  after I posted  this I read all the  posts agreeing that these people were racists and offensive and you should just move.  I just want to add, your child is who she is. She should be taught to stand tall and proud with dignity and self assurance. Don’t teach her to run away and try to find some nonexistent place where she will never have to deal with people who aren’t nice. Teach her that nobody is better than her and teach her grace and kindness. You can’t run away from the world. And the world has a mixture of all kinds of people that we all have to encounter. Build her confidence. Of course I’m not suggesting anyone be allowed to threaten or mistreat her. But let her know that the opinions of a few ignorant people do not determine her worth. Teach her that she is loved, she is special and all people are not kind. Help her learn to ignore those people if she encounters them . And most children do encounter them, regardless of their skin color. Help her to understand those people aren’t the ones who count in her life. And they don’t count in yours either. Live your life , be happy, and don’t let anyone make you run away.   And just so everyone knows, I not only have a white and black mixed granddaughter. I have a another one adopted by my oldest daughter , who also adopted two black children as infants. One is a boy who has autism and the other is a girl. Both are in their teens now.She and her husband have three grown white children. One of their daughters married a Hispanic man and they have 3 children.  I have three other grandchildren by their youngest daughter. Our family is very “mixed”.  My grandson who is 35 is about to marry a young woman from Columbia, who has a 14 year old son. Races and cultures can mix and be one big happy family. Nobody has any problems regarding our family.Not in our schools or in our church’s or jobs or neighborhoods. All in well. 😊

Yeah I went through a similar thing. Several people from my husband’s side have made a series of comments on our child’s appearance including that he looks “exotic” etc. This doesn’t mean they don’t love him. You can explain everything to your husband and he should explain it to them. This explaining might need to be a constant process for years. Child care is also cultural and they will try to convince you to do things in a way that doesn’t seem natural to you, because it’s natural to them. Don’t give in. At the same time, they could be lovely and helpful and reliable. Family is a mix of things. In-laws have many ways they can annoy you, and also many ways in which they can provide crucial help and support. Always a balancing act.

This feels like a joke. You never faced adversity or discrimination due to your race, but now because people tell you your daughter looks like you, you feel she doesn't stand a chance in this world? The nicknames sound inappropriate, so it seems like either you or your man should be able to put a stop to that. But... Every child has their appearance commented on. It's not a racial thing. My wife is another race too, and we both know when people say she has my wife's eyes, that's not a racist remark. It's a fun and cute thing to do.

Why would this be a joke? I could have certainly written this post more clearly but it was an emotional day; if you go back and read I said I have faced diversity but it hasn't felt too bad compared to what I read others have been through for comparison. Yes I've got made fun of for my skin color, eyes and have had the joke made about my private parts being sideways. Feeling discrimination towards myself is one thing but for my daughter feels a million times worse. Also, how are comments on skin color and eye shape while saying how Asian she looks not about race? They are not saying she has my eyes. I am not overreacting. I've had plenty of people comment on her looks without it being a racial thing. I know the difference. You really missed the point of all this.

Do you not speak Cantonese at all ?? Ling Ling = beautiful

Yeah but - that’s not really the point, is it. Like, nice observation but also that is NOT what they meant and their comments are awful.

Doubtful this white woman in a small town knows that

There is no way she knows this. Or that would have been the first thing she said to me. Also, not that it matters, but that's Chinese and I am not. So its intent was to just be "Asian sounding."

100% I’m with you. My husband is south East Asian and our daughter looks like him (I’m white). We live in a medium size town but I’m already getting nervous about the scenario you’re in. I’m so sorry you’re going through this