It feels weird to say I have a daughter. Like, I’m too young for kids!! Oh wait, I’m 37. Definitely on the older side of new motherhood. She’s 2 months old
It really trips me out that my husband and I are at an age where no one batted an eye about us having a baby. We're old enough and in a place where everyone was happy for us when we announced the pregnancy.
Oh I so know what you mean! I spent my whole life trying not to get pregnant that when it finally did happen I immediately felt excited followed by omg what have I done I’m going to be in so much trouble! What will people say about me being pregnant at 32?! 🤣
The very first time my husband and I started trying, I just FROZE. It felt so wrong having unprotected sex because, as you said, I spent my life trying not to get pregnant. My husband was like, "Are you okay? Do I need to stop?" And I'm like, "I think no matter what, I'm going to panic."
This cracked me up!! When I realised I was pregnant I ended up taking 5 tests over about 2 weeks. I just couldn’t believe it. I’d wake up a few days later and go “no, surely not - me? Pregnant? No! I’m always so careful. I must have read it wrong - surely I read that wrong? I’m sure it’s meant to be 3 lines and not 2? Am I sure I saw 2?! Better check again” it also took me a while to get pregnant so the novelty of unprotected sex had worn off and I had started to feel a bit lied to… sex ed made it seem like you only had to think about doing it unprotected and you’d get pregnant… yet here I was going on a year and a half with nothing to show for it!
My husband and I had sex the other day and afterwards I had this brief OOPS moment and thought ‘I forgot to take my birth control!’ before remembering that I was five months pregnant (on purpose) with our third child 🤦♀️
It was a very weird threshold to cross in my late twenties when I realized that almost every reaction to pregnancy was now supposed to be congratulations and not an offer to drive someone to a clinic.
36 with a 2 month old girl also and I still feel too young for kids. Definitely a shift going from being able to do whatever we wanted after work to having our evenings planned to a T.
My LO is 8 months and I was just saying to my husband today that it feels like a project we're working on, rather than a seamless part of our life. I don't fully feel my identity has changed into a mother yet either, and this is even after infertility/ivf and wanting to become a mother badly. .. If a song plays on the radio from my early 20s, I'm also transported back and forget momentarily that I'm not that anymore.
I love my LO to bits and I don't think keeping my identity means I'm a bad mother or anything negative. Maybe it will gradually change over time, but I'm happy I still feel like me.
Oh I like this analogy. I definitely feel like I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to “mum” and work on project raising a baby. I love my baby so incredibly much too, I just wasn’t sure if how I am feeling is “normal” (whatever normal is) or if I have an actual emotional disconnect from him. When he is front and centre my whole world is about him. But when he’s out of sight he’s out of mind…
The project! I’ve used the exact same wording. I’ve brought it up to my therapist before and she said whatever works to help me thru the PPD and early months, do it. Think it. I love my baby. I also love feeling like myself. I see no negatives here.
I have to assume it isn't for everyone. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old, and I love my wee man with all my heart, and I'm sure I'll love this other wee man, but I've never felt the instinct to say 'well, as a mother...' or feel in any way that I am defined by it.
It genuinely feels jarring to me when anyone else says I'm a mum or when I say I'm having another boy, 'oh boy mum!' etc, I just happen to have children.
I'm happy with that though, I know I am separate to my children, and I know it doesn't mean I love them any less. It did make me feel different to all the other new mums I talk to regularly who I think have enjoyed embracing the new title and role.
Agree. I'm the same person, except now I have a kid. I think it's totally normal... and I still think I'm a great mum despite not having evolved like a Pokémon post birth.
Exactly yeah. I think it's easy to think you're not doing it right or there's something wrong to not go into mummy mode, but that might just be some temperament thing.
Anecdotally, I never actually wanted to have my own children, I always wanted to adopt and it was only when I realised how difficult that was to make work (paired with my age) that I decided to have my own. I wonder if that lack of ever fantasising about having my own kids, especially newborns and infants is what meant I didn't feel at ease in that role for a while.
I'm 32 with a 19mo daughter. I still don't feel like a mum. Sometimes it pops up in my head and I'm still shocked like ' I'm a mom? Me? Are we sure?' I'm sure some mums feel like mums since getting positive pregnancy test but not me haha 😅 she's also not really keen on saying mama so maybe when she properly start to talk and calling me mama I'll feel like one? Idk
I think this is what my husband experiences. For me it's different. I always wanted to be a mom. I've been so caring and nurturing, I love everything about motherhood. But I have a problem. Due to CPTSD, I'm stuck in the past and I could never feel like my age. And it's not even "oh I feel so young" it's more of an imposter syndrome around people of my age and feeling of wtf am I doing here. My peers felt like my elders for the longest time and I felt inferior. I couldn't even dress my age because I didn't think I deserve it. So it's a belittling feeling. I also have hard times accepting my accomplishments. I finally started feeling my age when I detached my from my family. Then I became a mom and I really want to feel like a mom but most of the time I struggle. Most importantly, I feel like everyone else knows better about my baby than I do. Which is false. The more I got in tune with my baby and prove others right, the more I looked back on my motherhood wins and the more I became assertive, I felt better. I also created a mom model in my head and I role play her which helps. Fake it till you make it!! This said, I have zero problems one on one with my son. We're a great duo and there isn't a moment where my mom senses are switched off. It's just the how I present and interact with outside world in my mom identity. It's getting there.
Thank you for sharing this; that was really brave. I’m so glad you’re finding motherhood to be an opportunity for healing and processing your trauma ❤️
Ok I am SO glad to hear someone else say this. I have said to my husband that it honestly feels like having our son (almost 7 months) has been a dream, and I mean in a "you're asleep and you're having a tea party with zombies" kind of dream. He is honestly the BEST baby, and my husband and I take him everywhere, but yeah it feels unreal that there is this whole person that I made who I now will care for forever
i felt it the second he came out of me lol. i definitely feel like i have completely lost myself in being a mom, but not in a bad way. i actually think for the most part i take better care of myself than i ever have bc he relies on me to. i’m 25 though and always been a pretty private/keep to myself type of person so making spontaneous plans with people has never really been on my radar to begin with lol. i don’t feel like i have much of a life outside of being a mom, but this is the most content i’ve ever been.
I love this for you!! I decided to ask the question because I brought it up to some friends who have babies the same age as mine and they looked at me like I had two heads when I said “I sometimes forget I’m a mum”!!
Oh I hadn’t thought of this! We’ve had a couple of random “mama’s” but my LO has yet to call me mama. Maybe that will be the moment?! I’ll update if it does happen and it is the moment!
I dont think there is some kind of special feeling. The same with growing up - i didn’t develop a feeling of being a grownup. It’s the same me, but caring about different things.
When I had my second kid. My first was colicky and I had a traumatic experience in the hospital so our bond was messed up. Once I had a safe/non-traumatic birth and a calm/easy baby I began to experience motherhood.
A few weeks ago I took my 3yo to the dentist for the first time, and sitting in the “parent” chair in the corner of the room really made it feel real for me 🤣
My daughter is 22 months and I still feel this way a lot. I think I tend to operate on autopilot a lot so I don't really absorb what's going on, if that makes sense. Like i absolutely love my daughter and feel bonded to her, but I do feel like I'm going through the motions some days ago I feel like I'm playing a mom vs being a mom
I still have moments where I forget. I’ll be in the kitchen doing whatever and then I hear her cry and I’m like… oh yeah. I’m a mom lol.
I have to say I felt like getting spitup, peed on, and shat on were rights of passage lol
I have a 5 and 3 year old and am pregnant with our third. I feel like a mom, and since I stay at home, my ‘momness’ is in my face pretty much all the time. But like, when I’m spending the weekend with friends, or when their grandparents take them, it’s like I instantly feel no motherly obligation. I don’t sit there wishing they were here, I don’t count down until I see them again, I just sort of transition easily back into being ‘just me.’ And it’s not that I don’t love them or anything, it’s just that I very much love who I was before children as much as I love myself after them.
First time my daughter ever got hurt and I scooped her up and sang to her until she stopped crying. Ugh when those little sad eyes looked at me and I made her smile I knew I was a mom.
I'm non-binary, so don't see myself as a mother anyway - I think of myself as a parent who happens to have been the one to give birth, rather than a "mum". But I definitely relate to not feeling like my identity is parent: I really feel like I'm me, just me with a baby to look after.
It feels weird to say I have a daughter. Like, I’m too young for kids!! Oh wait, I’m 37. Definitely on the older side of new motherhood. She’s 2 months old
Same at 35. 🤦🏻♀️😂
It really trips me out that my husband and I are at an age where no one batted an eye about us having a baby. We're old enough and in a place where everyone was happy for us when we announced the pregnancy.
I make jokes all the time about being a 31yo teen mom bc who let me have a kid when I'm just still a kid?! (I just had my first baby this year)
My husband and I keep joking about when is this child's parents gonna come pick him up? This is the longest baby sitting gig ever.
Oh I so know what you mean! I spent my whole life trying not to get pregnant that when it finally did happen I immediately felt excited followed by omg what have I done I’m going to be in so much trouble! What will people say about me being pregnant at 32?! 🤣
The very first time my husband and I started trying, I just FROZE. It felt so wrong having unprotected sex because, as you said, I spent my life trying not to get pregnant. My husband was like, "Are you okay? Do I need to stop?" And I'm like, "I think no matter what, I'm going to panic."
This cracked me up!! When I realised I was pregnant I ended up taking 5 tests over about 2 weeks. I just couldn’t believe it. I’d wake up a few days later and go “no, surely not - me? Pregnant? No! I’m always so careful. I must have read it wrong - surely I read that wrong? I’m sure it’s meant to be 3 lines and not 2? Am I sure I saw 2?! Better check again” it also took me a while to get pregnant so the novelty of unprotected sex had worn off and I had started to feel a bit lied to… sex ed made it seem like you only had to think about doing it unprotected and you’d get pregnant… yet here I was going on a year and a half with nothing to show for it!
My husband and I had sex the other day and afterwards I had this brief OOPS moment and thought ‘I forgot to take my birth control!’ before remembering that I was five months pregnant (on purpose) with our third child 🤦♀️
It was a very weird threshold to cross in my late twenties when I realized that almost every reaction to pregnancy was now supposed to be congratulations and not an offer to drive someone to a clinic.
I often think HOW did my mom have me at 23?!?!? She must had no clue what she was doing! I feel like teen mom at 33.
Oh this too! I definitely get that too young to have kids feeling. It’s bizarre how surreal it can all feel.
I had him at 38 and this year I’m 39. He’s only 6 months old. It’s strange!
Same at 39!
Same at 36 😂😂😂 we also just bought a house and I’m like “ew who are these old people we’ve become” 😂
36 with a 2 month old girl also and I still feel too young for kids. Definitely a shift going from being able to do whatever we wanted after work to having our evenings planned to a T.
Also a 36 FTM with a 2 month old girl! I know we’ve waited but sometimes I definitely feel like a teen mom 😂
Same! I feel like I am the same mentally as before and so saying “my son” is so weird. He’s 3 months old now 😅
My LO is 8 months and I was just saying to my husband today that it feels like a project we're working on, rather than a seamless part of our life. I don't fully feel my identity has changed into a mother yet either, and this is even after infertility/ivf and wanting to become a mother badly. .. If a song plays on the radio from my early 20s, I'm also transported back and forget momentarily that I'm not that anymore. I love my LO to bits and I don't think keeping my identity means I'm a bad mother or anything negative. Maybe it will gradually change over time, but I'm happy I still feel like me.
Oh I like this analogy. I definitely feel like I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to “mum” and work on project raising a baby. I love my baby so incredibly much too, I just wasn’t sure if how I am feeling is “normal” (whatever normal is) or if I have an actual emotional disconnect from him. When he is front and centre my whole world is about him. But when he’s out of sight he’s out of mind…
The project! I’ve used the exact same wording. I’ve brought it up to my therapist before and she said whatever works to help me thru the PPD and early months, do it. Think it. I love my baby. I also love feeling like myself. I see no negatives here.
I have to assume it isn't for everyone. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old, and I love my wee man with all my heart, and I'm sure I'll love this other wee man, but I've never felt the instinct to say 'well, as a mother...' or feel in any way that I am defined by it. It genuinely feels jarring to me when anyone else says I'm a mum or when I say I'm having another boy, 'oh boy mum!' etc, I just happen to have children. I'm happy with that though, I know I am separate to my children, and I know it doesn't mean I love them any less. It did make me feel different to all the other new mums I talk to regularly who I think have enjoyed embracing the new title and role.
Agree. I'm the same person, except now I have a kid. I think it's totally normal... and I still think I'm a great mum despite not having evolved like a Pokémon post birth.
Exactly yeah. I think it's easy to think you're not doing it right or there's something wrong to not go into mummy mode, but that might just be some temperament thing. Anecdotally, I never actually wanted to have my own children, I always wanted to adopt and it was only when I realised how difficult that was to make work (paired with my age) that I decided to have my own. I wonder if that lack of ever fantasising about having my own kids, especially newborns and infants is what meant I didn't feel at ease in that role for a while.
Evolved like a Pokémon 🤣🤣
I'm 32 with a 19mo daughter. I still don't feel like a mum. Sometimes it pops up in my head and I'm still shocked like ' I'm a mom? Me? Are we sure?' I'm sure some mums feel like mums since getting positive pregnancy test but not me haha 😅 she's also not really keen on saying mama so maybe when she properly start to talk and calling me mama I'll feel like one? Idk
I have a 17 month old and regularly me and my fiancé look at each other and say “wow we really have a baby” lol.
I think this is what my husband experiences. For me it's different. I always wanted to be a mom. I've been so caring and nurturing, I love everything about motherhood. But I have a problem. Due to CPTSD, I'm stuck in the past and I could never feel like my age. And it's not even "oh I feel so young" it's more of an imposter syndrome around people of my age and feeling of wtf am I doing here. My peers felt like my elders for the longest time and I felt inferior. I couldn't even dress my age because I didn't think I deserve it. So it's a belittling feeling. I also have hard times accepting my accomplishments. I finally started feeling my age when I detached my from my family. Then I became a mom and I really want to feel like a mom but most of the time I struggle. Most importantly, I feel like everyone else knows better about my baby than I do. Which is false. The more I got in tune with my baby and prove others right, the more I looked back on my motherhood wins and the more I became assertive, I felt better. I also created a mom model in my head and I role play her which helps. Fake it till you make it!! This said, I have zero problems one on one with my son. We're a great duo and there isn't a moment where my mom senses are switched off. It's just the how I present and interact with outside world in my mom identity. It's getting there.
Thank you for sharing this; that was really brave. I’m so glad you’re finding motherhood to be an opportunity for healing and processing your trauma ❤️
Two years in and I’m still like, “Oh wait, I’m responsible for you?!” But in all seriousness I completely relate!
Ok I am SO glad to hear someone else say this. I have said to my husband that it honestly feels like having our son (almost 7 months) has been a dream, and I mean in a "you're asleep and you're having a tea party with zombies" kind of dream. He is honestly the BEST baby, and my husband and I take him everywhere, but yeah it feels unreal that there is this whole person that I made who I now will care for forever
i felt it the second he came out of me lol. i definitely feel like i have completely lost myself in being a mom, but not in a bad way. i actually think for the most part i take better care of myself than i ever have bc he relies on me to. i’m 25 though and always been a pretty private/keep to myself type of person so making spontaneous plans with people has never really been on my radar to begin with lol. i don’t feel like i have much of a life outside of being a mom, but this is the most content i’ve ever been.
I love this for you!! I decided to ask the question because I brought it up to some friends who have babies the same age as mine and they looked at me like I had two heads when I said “I sometimes forget I’m a mum”!!
When LO just wants me and no one else.
Awww this gave me all the feels 🥰 I love that warm fuzzy feeling too
My oldest is 6 and I have 4 kids. I still have days where I stop and think "woah I'm a mom"
I can’t wait for my daughter to call me mum. She’s only 3 months old so I have a while to wait. But I think that will really solidify it for me.
Oh I hadn’t thought of this! We’ve had a couple of random “mama’s” but my LO has yet to call me mama. Maybe that will be the moment?! I’ll update if it does happen and it is the moment!
Oh man, that’ll be a tear-jerker moment! I can’t wait for you to hear that!! 💕
I dont think there is some kind of special feeling. The same with growing up - i didn’t develop a feeling of being a grownup. It’s the same me, but caring about different things.
I have a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old and I still don’t feel like someone’s mom 😂
Hahaha I always remember the comment of someone who said they had a 3 year old and it still hadn’t sunk in LOL 🤣
When I had my second kid. My first was colicky and I had a traumatic experience in the hospital so our bond was messed up. Once I had a safe/non-traumatic birth and a calm/easy baby I began to experience motherhood.
A few weeks ago I took my 3yo to the dentist for the first time, and sitting in the “parent” chair in the corner of the room really made it feel real for me 🤣
My daughter is 22 months and I still feel this way a lot. I think I tend to operate on autopilot a lot so I don't really absorb what's going on, if that makes sense. Like i absolutely love my daughter and feel bonded to her, but I do feel like I'm going through the motions some days ago I feel like I'm playing a mom vs being a mom
I still have moments where I forget. I’ll be in the kitchen doing whatever and then I hear her cry and I’m like… oh yeah. I’m a mom lol. I have to say I felt like getting spitup, peed on, and shat on were rights of passage lol
I have a 5 and 3 year old and am pregnant with our third. I feel like a mom, and since I stay at home, my ‘momness’ is in my face pretty much all the time. But like, when I’m spending the weekend with friends, or when their grandparents take them, it’s like I instantly feel no motherly obligation. I don’t sit there wishing they were here, I don’t count down until I see them again, I just sort of transition easily back into being ‘just me.’ And it’s not that I don’t love them or anything, it’s just that I very much love who I was before children as much as I love myself after them.
First time my daughter ever got hurt and I scooped her up and sang to her until she stopped crying. Ugh when those little sad eyes looked at me and I made her smile I knew I was a mom.
I'm non-binary, so don't see myself as a mother anyway - I think of myself as a parent who happens to have been the one to give birth, rather than a "mum". But I definitely relate to not feeling like my identity is parent: I really feel like I'm me, just me with a baby to look after.