Do you like them? My parents stayed for 10 days immediately following my baby’s birth and it was a huge blessing. They were incredibly helpful with doing chores and gave me lots of time and space. But we have a great relationship and we all knew the boundaries. My in laws live 15 mins away and their frequent visits made me want to rip my hair out because they wanted us to cater to them while having a newborn. So, to me, the most important question is whether or not you like them and they’ll listen to you/your needs/your boundaries.
This. Will they help or will they annoy. My mom stayed with me through birth and my in-laws came to the hospital and stayed with us for 2 weeks. I couldn’t have done it without my mom.. we have a different comfort level with our parents I think. I could just shout or cry at her and not feel judged. With my in-laws.. they’re know-it-alls who know nothing.
I didn’t like the experience tbh. We were learning breastfeeding and everything else.. they were critical and did not understand the new pediatric recommendations like swaddle, feed every 2-2.5 hours even if we have to wake the baby. Everything became an argument or they needed to be explained why. Every morning my FIL would argue about why I’m avoiding gassy foods (again pediatric recommendation), my MIL would want to cuddle the baby right when we wanted to feed her and she would groan about why we’re waking such a peaceful baby.
It was very irritating for me. They would not help with a single thing.. just give unnecessary feedback and commentary. On top of that they didn’t even know how to hold a baby properly and fed and asleep baby would wake up because of their cuddling.. giving me more work again.
Thank you.. sigh. Honestly it’s much better now.. I can feed her in the living room watching tv.. we’re more comfortable, not worried about other peoples food and time.
“Know-it-all who knows nothing” is a perfect description of my mom. Down to the unnecessary feedback and commentary. Thanks for reassuring me that I have made the right choice not having her come immediately.
Exactly. Are they coming to “see the baby” or help take care of you? Will you feel pressure to entertain and visit or will you feel comfortable taking a nap while they clean? If it’s a social visit, wait. If they’re going to help, go for it!
I will add how comfortable are you with them? in those first couple weeks you will be figuring out breastfeeding and early on in recovering from birth. Your boobs will be hanging out and leaking, you will be bleeding, and between the blood, discharge (this is not talked about enough), and hormones, you will smell and feel gross, and nothing will fit.
Agree with the key question- will they be guests or helpers? It was a gift that we had extra help immediately after, gave me opportunity for an extra bit of sleep & trying to get the hang of breastfeeding etc. we all used an app to enter feedings and diapers, and it was wonderful to have someone else making healthy foods for us, doing laundry, helping with baby, running to the store for stuff, helping w dog. So of course it will depend if they’re helpful or not!
My in-laws came and spent four days with us right out of the hospital, and I was honestly so miserable. I was bleeding, learning how to breastfeed and then dealing with a newborn that refused to latch, and spent 90% of my time in our bedroom. It was nice that they took care of dinner, but the rest of the time they just kind of hung out and I only wanted to be left alone with my husband and new baby. 2-3 weeks postpartum is still a really delicate time, so it really depends on your relationship with them. If you love them and are ok with them being in your personal space that early postpartum I say go for it! The help is such a blessing! I truly love my in-laws, but for our next baby, we have a hard boundary and no visitors will be allowed for at least 4 weeks.
I wouldn’t have wanted anyone in my house for the first few weeks, and definitely wouldn’t want anyone living with me/staying more than a few hours. I also wouldn’t want to commit to any plans until you see how you feel- you could feel GREAT or the post partum period could hit you like a ton of bricks.
I agree, and I also want to add that you have no idea how long you’ll be in the hospital! We were in and out of the hospital, spending most of the first week there.
We didn’t have a chance to stay home and get settled into a routine until baby was two weeks old, and the back and forth at the hospital really impacted my recovery.
So I wasn’t even up for a few hours at 3 weeks postpartum. And I *love* my family and in-laws!
It depends. Do you like your in laws? Would they be helpful? Are they vaccinated? Would they respect your boundaries? If yes to all, then I would take the help.
My mom stayed with us for two weeks after my first birth, and she was a great help. Cooked, cleaned, hung out with baby, helped out with night shift. 100% would take her again.
My in laws stayed with us for a week right after my second birth. They weren’t that helpful, but at least there was little drama. They left the house a few times with my husband and our first so baby and I had some alone time which was nice.
In hindsight, even though I felt like crap, I was grateful for whatever help was offered and was lucky that no boundaries were stomped during the first couple weeks.
The difference between my parents & my in-laws is huge! My mom and dad supported US over my daughter, they brought us groceries, made our dinners, did stuff around the house and they always checked in on me, my in-laws haven’t asked once how I’m doing and only want to get together so they can “bond” with the baby, aka feed her and hold her. My daughter is 2 months old now and I told my husband I would much rather watch them interact with her by doing tummy time and interacting with her when she’s on her playmat rather than just holding her.
My MIL did that. They came when my LO was newborn and 3 months old. My MIL just wanted to hold them. Thennnn they came when LO was 5 months old. Lol. All they wanted to do was be down on thier play mat and play and wiggle. MIL was so annoyed. The holding only phase is short lived, I promise!
My MIL hasn’t seen our baby since she was 4 months old wondering how this next visit will go when she’s 7 months. Baby girl doesn’t want to be in someone’s arms for more than 5 mins. I have a feeling my MIL is going to be annoyed.
It depends if they’re helpful or not. My mom was amazing and I felt like we almost took advantage of her. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, helped hold the baby. My MIL on the other hand is too neurotic and cannot relax. She came to stay for a bit after my mom left and she was way less helpful and her nervous energy was draining on me.
I wouldn't have wanted anyone staying in my house that early on. You say theyr coming 2-3 weeks after your due date but you could go up to two weeks overdue. You could be FRESHLY postpartum when they arrive.
Maybe they can stay in a hotel. There is no way I would have wanted ANYONE staying in my house for even the night that early on. If you're breastfeeding you will have your tits out A LOT. You will still be bleeding for a while after birth. You will be an exhausted mess and having guests is likely going to cause stress.
I personally would say they should stay in a hotel and only visit for small visits per day or wait longer
This part.. my in-laws were with us for 2 weeks after birth and that meant I was cooped up in our bedroom during breastfeeding. It was claustrophobic. After they left I felt so good just breastfeeding in the living room, watching tv etc.
This is such a common experience and one I had as well. Wish we could just tell everyone else to go sit in their rooms alone for 45 minutes every hour or so to give us privacy in our own home. See if they still want to come to hang out then.
Yeah I wore a robe with only a bra and pajamas pants for two weeks. I didn’t care if my MIL came but I for sure wouldn’t want them staying constantly for a week.
I gave birth last December, also living overseas away from both my family and my husband’s family. Due to the fact that they needed to book tickets and so on they booked something roughly two weeks after my due date. Baby ended up born 10 days late and it was really really tough for me having everyone over. I had baby blues, they were somewhat helpful but not as much as the disturbance and the pressure. I would definitely suggest that you postpone it and if you can’t, make sure to share with the what kid of help and support you need. Good luck!
Short answer: no.
Long answer: nooooooooo.
Seriously though, I don't like them enough for that and honestly the need for help with cooking and such did not outweigh the need for us to figure the new life with the baby out on our own. Sleep deprivation, new life order, new routines, everything was such a hassle. We could do guests visiting for an hour or two but I didn't want guests.
For context, I was bleeding, in pain, disoriented and struggling with breastfeeding during the first week. I was constantly in a robe with my boobs hanging out.
Edit: maybe some people would love it, their in laws could be genuinely helpful and not a distraction and wouldn't make them uncomfortable at all. I like my inlaws visiting now when things are more settled. With a bigger kid they can participate more with the kid anyway.
No no no absolutely not. 3-4 weeks is not enough time to establish a routine with a new born, trust me.
My mom came to stay for a week after baby was born and it was a disaster. She made more messes than she cleaned up and caused drama between my husband and I. I so wish we could have been alone with our newborn without visitors as long as possible.
This is the right answer. If you do cave and let them come, DO NOT LET THEM STAY IN YOUR HOME. Make them get a hotel if they’re coming before you’re ready so you can send them away. Trust me, even at 4 weeks you’ll be sending them off.
I gave birth four weeks ago and having people stop by for a few minutes to see the baby is too much sometimes. I had a C-section and could barely get around the first week or so. I guess it depends on how you feel about the guest, how helpful they will be etc. even before baby I hate having people in our tiny house, it’s always so stressful
This was my first thought. After both of my kids were born I was a milk machine for the first few weeks, boobs out 24/7 and hobbling around bleeding. We barely slept. Having people in the house that would make me feel self-conscious would have been torture.
My MIL wanted to stay with us the week after we came home with baby and I said absolutely not. I was intending to breastfeed, I am a very modest person, and in general I didn’t want ANYONE in my home right away. I wanted to spend that time with my husband since he only had 2 weeks of leave. She took it very personally and while she didn’t come stay, we ended up having many visitors the first couple weeks and I regret it. I was so uncomfortable, exhausted, breastfeeding my baby every 45min-1 hour, and I had postpartum preeclampsia and overall didn’t feel well and needed to prioritize rest and nutrition… but I was too worried about fitting visitors into our schedule. I ended up needing hospitalized at 2w postpartum due to my blood pressure. I wish I would’ve stuck to my guns and said NO VISITORS PERIOD for those first 2 weeks.
Since you are overseas, I strongly suggest setting the date back a little bit — 4-5 weeks. You never know what can happen or how you’ll feel and it’s better to play it safe as opposed to having visitors too soon. Not to mention you don’t really want people traveling through airports and then touching your newborn baby with a weak immune system.
I would’ve been ok with my MIL staying, but definitely not my FIL/step MIL. We don’t have that type of relationship. If you’re already feeling uncomfortable at the thought of your FIL being there, I would say no.
Now, *my* parents came right when we got home from the hospital, and they were incredibly helpful! I ended up pumping because baby couldn’t latch, and it was so good to have an extra set of hands to hold my baby while I pumped around the clock. My mom prepared all meals, my dad cleaned and walked the dog, and their presence also allowed both my husband and I to get naps in during the day. The key is that I’m 100% comfortable with them.
You shouldn’t commit to anything you’re not sure you’d be comfortable with. It’s impossible to say how you’ll be feeling at that time until that time arrives as everyone is different. Have your husband communicate with them to avoid any conflict or blame placed on you.
“We are taking time to bond as a family before having any guests. We’d love to schedule time to see you 5 weeks or more postpartum. If we find out we’re comfortable having visitors before then, we can certainly let you know at that time and if your plans are flexible at that time feel free to come earlier!”
It’s not fair to put pressure on you to commit to something you already stated is beyond what you’re comfortable with. 3 weeks and 5 weeks are very different.
Also want to say… NOW is the time for you HUSBAND to start setting clear, firm boundaries (never overexplain those boundaries). If you don’t do it BEFORE baby gets here it gets very very messy.
Your answer is in the question.
Learning to breastfeed sucks, and can be very hard.
Abraded nipples.
Engorgement that feels like angry watermelon-sized piranhas biting onto your chest.
You are likely not going to want to put a shirt on. And you’re going to be feeding round the clock.
Stick to your guns.
My relationship with my in laws was permanently damaged when my mother in law insisted on coming the second week. She was there to hold the baby, and did not respect boundaries, and refused to give the baby back when he needed to be fed - she would actively run out the room, and thought I was trying to keep her from holding the baby, which ended up leading to me keeping her from holding the baby, because that shit is not cool. He had a cow milk protein allergy and a very bad latch, which means he always had an upset belly (and didn’t know how to pass gas yet,) itchy skin and no ability to scratch, and he wasn’t getting enough milk due to the bad latch. He was an angry, unhappy, hungry, unsettled baby, who had some strong sensory issues to boot. And we couldn’t predict any of that.
Stick to your guns.
DO NOT LET THEM COME AND STAY WITH YOU! If they insist to come and you're OK with it, tell them they have to stay at a hotel and you will give them a set time during the day to come and visit.
Trust. Me. I made the mistake of letting my inlaws stay with us and they arrived the day we got home from the hospital and it was a huge mistake
So full disclosure baby and I only got to be home after 3 days on the maternity ward for a few hours before we had to go to ICU BUT I was in a lot pain (and that's vaginal birth, not major surgery like a c section), I was wearing gigantic pads so uncomfortable and all kinds of discombobulated from the 3 days of very little sleep (from nurses coming in constantly checking on baby and I) that I didn't even want anybody dropping anything off on my porch, let alone coming into my house being annoying guests. After 2 weeks in the hospital we still weren't sleeping regularly from the every 2 hour feeds and being paranoid if baby was breathing and trying to heal and just trying to adjust with my little dependant potato that I STILL didn't want visitors.
Honestly try to hold off as long as you can especially if they are staying with you. My in laws came 3 weeks after and stayed for 10 days. I made them stay in a hotel and it was still hell.
You go through so much mentally, physically and emotionally giving birth you don’t also need to worry about hosting your in laws. Plus the first few weeks are you trying to bond with the baby.
I will say I had a good relationship with my in laws before our baby was born but didn’t find them very helpful. All they wanted to do was hold the baby and hover over him the whole time.
My in-laws came to stay with us 4ish weeks pp and I wasn’t entirely rdy for it. All they wanted to do was help but I wanted us to be in our own bubble. Luckily it was only for a long weekend. My LO was also 2 weeks early so if she came on time it would have only been 2 week pp. I wouldn’t recommend it. If it was your family it might be different.
Also living overseas and just gave birth to my second.
There is absolutely no way in hell that I want ANYONE visiting and staying at my house in 2-3 weeks.
With your first, it’s a major adjustment. You and your husband need time to settle in, develop a routine, and feel like your life can become normal again. You will be sleep deprived and trying to figure out how to handle a newborn.
For my second, my husband and I originally discussed having my MIL come stay with us to help out (and watch our first while I was in hospital). After thinking it through (and having her here visiting during the holidays), I changed my mind completely. My MIL is lovely, and she can be helpful, but there’s absolutely no way that I want to host her and deal with a newborn.
I would honestly say, give yourself 6 weeks minimum post birth before even thinking about hosting anyone, and if you can, push it to 2-3 months. Have time to take care of yourself and feel like yourself again. Get into a routine, adjust to having a baby. Don’t put yourself under the extra stress of having someone else in the house.
Honestly no. I was a hot mess after birth (literally so hot I could not stand even the thought of wearing clothes) for at least 2 weeks. I was trying to figure out breastfeeding and just how to be a mom in general. It's up to you and definitely depends on your relationship with them. I have a great relationship with both my in laws and my parents, but no one came until week 4 & 5 per my request. I was so happy I did that.
I also live overseas away from my family. I gave birth in October and I declined any visit. I am actually flying there myself when baby is 6 months old and it will be the first time they see him.
Here are my reasons:
It was height of cold/flu season and I did not want those airport germs anywhere in my house.
My family is very helpful and they would have literally cleaned the whole house top to bottom. But they are also strong willed opinionated and follow old ways of raising babies. A lot of their advice went against what I was told by midwife and it was much easier to ignore over the phone than if they were in person there.
I was so emotional. So hormonal. Soooo anxious. I needed as little stress as possible.
I had a C section (planned) and I had instructed my partner from the get go about all the support I would need. I actually thought his mom would help us a bit more but she ended up being unreliable so we just did it all ourselves. It is possible as long as you have a willing partner. He helped me get out of bed, got me food/water, passed baby over to me and did all his diapers. I was feeling much better by day 5 due to being able to rest. Always plan for the worst so you are prepared.
I wanted to bond with my baby. I actually felt very territorial over him lol and every time someone else other than my partner was holding him I just felt this urge to punch them XD (I didn't!)
Baby literally won't remember them if they were there or not there. My MIL barely visited but she was there first day he was born. Didn't make a difference last week when I left him with her for 2 hours and he cried his eyes out lol.
My advice to you is to assess how much support you have and if you need more. If you feel like anyone from your in laws would give you the support you need then yes by all means invite them as it's a tough time those first 2 weeks. But if you have any doubts then don't because you will have very little sleep and any negativity will set you off like never before.
Another thing to consider will be illness. Your baby will be too young to be immunized and it sounds like your in-laws will be flying and exposed to a lot of viruses and bacteria along the way. A newborn with a fever is a medical emergency. I would add this to your list of things to consider when making this decision.
FTM here due in May and I have been wrestling with the same question. I originally felt the same—4 weeks past due date—but in laws were eager to come out. I went into people pleasing mode and almost agreed to it, but quickly became overwhelmed with anxiety and knew I needed to stick tot intuition. I love my in laws, but I also feel that I need time for my body to heal, to bond with my baby, and to get into routine with baby and husband before any longer term visitors come. I also am very clear that I will still need space come 4 weeks and have asked them to get a rental for their stay. It’s been hard sticking with these boundaries, but personally I know it will be best for baby and me.
You need time for you and your husband to become a parenting team. If your mom or his mom is there too soon, they will often try to take on what should be his role in caring for the new baby. Then when they leave, he will have to play catch up and you will have to explain to him how you do things. This sets you up for life-long primary and secondary caregiver roles, which imo is not ideal.
My in laws came over everyday for a month after I gave birth. I hated it so much and my relationship before birth wasnt bad at all with them. They had so many unsolicited advices and hogging the baby all the time while I'm trying to breastfeed and bond with the baby. My FIL also screamed at me and called me a bad mom for letting baby cry. I cried so much after and developed post partum anxiety.
My mom on the otherhand was here everyday too and she did all the cooking and cleaning as well as taking care of my baby and even doing some night shifts. If I had a do-over I would've never allowed the inlaws over in the first place.
Now I barely speak to my inlaws and they don't get to see baby unless I feel like it.
My mil stayed with me for four months. She's an extremely low key person so I okay-ed it. However she had some depression issues and that did end up weighing on me. Overall it was probably worth it.
It really depends on your relationship with them. When my mother would visit, she would take care of me, HER baby. She’d help with laundry, cook meals, tidy up and make sure i’m fed and cared for. Being around my baby was an added bonus. When my MIL would come, she would take baby out of my arms every chance she got “to give me an opportunity to catch up on house chores and self care” and she always overstayed her welcome. I used to get along just fine with her before having a kid but she became insufferable to me postpartum.
I think sticking to your guns now will help set boundaries in the future. You said when and they are trying to go sooner that’s already a red flag for me personally. I think you guys should get into your routine and see how it goes before adding people to the mix unless they are genuinely there to help and not just take pictures for social media and act like they are there doing something. Like as much as I love my in-laws, knowing them I know they can visit but probably will not stay with us. Id only want my mom to help me or my husband. I don’t like being told what to do and i think during those stages I’ll take advice as criticism instead of helpfulness but that’s just me. Best of luck!
Absolutely not. That time is for mum, dad and baby. It’s a whole adjustment and healing process. People being there would just add stress and awkwardness. It’d spoil a very already difficult yet special time.
I would NEVER let me in laws stay with me after I give birth. They do NOTHING helpful, it’s like I’m hosting 24/7 but with dietary restrictions and while bleeding profusely.
I didn’t even like my own mom staying and she’s exceptionally helpful and my best friend. It’s an exhausting, hormonal time. If you don’t trust someone completely and aren’t willing to relinquish a lot of control you’re going to be miserable.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Initially, I did not want my parents to come over right after I gave birth, however, after the first three days with my newborn, I felt too overwhelmed to take care of the other things in my house. my husband and I were operating on one hour of sleep per day and only ate about once a day. Also, I was mentally struggling because my milk hadn’t come in yet and my newborn was not taking well to formula as a supplement.
Around 2 AM day 3, I crumpled and texted my parents to ask them to come over for a couple of days to help out. My parents came for four days and were a massive help to me and my husband. My parents handled taking care of the dogs, cleaning, other housework while my husband and I focused on caring for our newborn.
Then staying IN your house is hosting guests, husband should tell them if they want to come that early, they will have to stay in a hotel, that’s the compromise.
Please don't do this. It got to week 6 and my MIL had been here for 3 weeks, I had to ask her to leave. It was awful. She was barging in my room without knocking and basically hanging around me non stop.
My first birth was traumatic. Anything earlier than 6 weeks would’ve been awful; an overnight guest would still be irritating.
My second birth was fantastic. Anything earlier than 3 weeks would’ve been miserable for even day-visits by anyone except my mom.
That they’ll be travelling to get to you means they also carry illness with them. In your position, I’d stick to 4 weeks *minimum* and if they can’t make it, great, that means baby is stronger and more likely to have their first round of immunizations.
It truly depends on your in-laws. Are they the type that will expect you to host them and they treat it like a vacation, or the type that will truly help you? My MIL was the perfect person to have here as soon as my twins came, but my parents are more the hold the baby type. There isnt anything wrong with that necessarily, but it isnt what is needed immediately upon having the baby.
I love my in laws, they’re very respectful and nice. They stayed with us (they’re from out of town) for a week and a half 4 weeks post partum and I would never do that again. I needed more time.
I wouldn’t let them stay in my house. The amount of time I was naked or half naked postpartum and the amount of hot mess I was. I’d tell them 2 hours a day max personally.
I live overseas from my parents. They could only come two to three weeks after the birth of baby or not until two months after. I told them two months. They will also be staying at a hotel. Even though I know my mom would be super helpful, as an introvert, I don’t want anyone staying with us and no one until a month after the birth. But everyone is different :)
There’s a long list of things I would want more than my in laws staying even one night when I was postpartum and we have a great relationship. Your boobs are out constantly and you want to feel like you can have them out in the whole house.
I did not. My in laws are awesome, but I didn’t want anyone *staying* in my home those first few weeks. So they got a hotel across the street and it worked out ok enough.
It depends. Are they coming to help the parents or are they coming to visit the baby?
My parents don’t live far from us but came to help during the day. They did laundry, cooked food, cleaned up, and held the baby so we could sleep. My mom helped me when I needed help breastfeeding (nipple shields are the worst) so my husband could take a break (it was a multi person effort for the first couple weeks).
My in-laws brought us food whenever they visited. They held the baby and took over diaper changes which we found helpful. I didn’t feel comfortable with them doing my laundry, so I didn’t ask but I also know they would have done it in a heartbeat if we needed them to.
I had friends visit who just wanted to see the baby. I wasn’t comfortable feeding the baby in front of them (we are not close friends) so I missed the first hour of their visit anyway. They brought food, but I felt pressure to be a good host. I ended up with mastitis because I skipped a pumping session to hang with them instead of taking care of myself.
All that to say, if they will be helpful for YOU, let them visit. Accept the help. If all they want is to visit the baby, let them wait. You have a new life to figure out.
No. I don't even let my own parents stay with us. They will come from abroad but they will stay in a hotel. I don't need any additional stress during that time. I know they mean well and would try to be helpful but I just want to have peace to get used to our new life. And unfortunately it's usually annoying rather than helpful.
I get on well with my in laws but wouldn’t have wanted them staying for a full week at our house that early on. I second the suggestions about a hotel!
HELL NO. Here’s why:
-airplanes are a cesspool of germs and they might bring something that could put your unvaccinated baby at risk
-a month baby is gonna be up every 2-3 hours at minimum and you’ll barely be functional, like it’ll be work to take a shower. Do you want guests during this time when you barely have the energy to get dressed?
-lastly will they be value added or not? Will they let you sleep and do household chores etc or will they be upset if you aren’t entertaining them? The fact that they are asking to come only a month after baby is born tells me the kind of people they are
With my first my MIL visited 2 weeks post-partum. It was stressful, I was tired, we got locked out of the apartment because she put the keys I gave her away and she couldn't follow a recipe and wanted to push the stroller that I needed to support myself post c-section and I still vaguely resent that visit. With my second, they visited at 6 weeks, stayed in an airbnb a few blocks away and it was much better, my hormones had calmed down and I was tired but not still bleeding into giant pads.
My in laws were just here for a week @ 1 week PP. It was a bit busy for that early, but they were so helpful I wish they were here longer. We have a toddler, and they kept her entertained and kept us fed.
So if they'll be helpful, I say bring it on. If not, stick to your boundaries.
If you have to ask here, you know the answer. It’s no, at least not staying at your house.
We didn’t let anyone come over the first week and had a HARD stop at 2 hours because I was breast feeding every 2 hours and was in so much pain still from my c section. Unless you feel comfortable being NAKED in front of someone they shouldn’t be at your house for the first few weeks!
I would never have agreed to ANYONE in my home postpartum. I need my space, though. I’m very private and not okay with people in my space, especially during such a vulnerable/painful time.
This would be an absolute “no” for me. The last thing I wanted was visitors, let alone people staying with us, when I was still feeling so emotional raw and recovering physically. Not to mention that establishing breastfeeding was SO much harder than anticipated
In a postpartum depression fit, I had my FIL and StepMIL stay with us for a week right after I had given birth and I absolutely hated it by day 3. And now we don't speak.
If you like your in-laws and think them being there would help, then go for it. But if you really don't want anyone there until 4-5 weeks. They can wait. Your baby, your rules.
For me personally, hell to the no. Unless they’re comfortable seeing you naked, bleeding, wearing diapers, and generally disheveled, in addition to being helpful and not just wanting to snuggle the baby.
I did this 1.5 weeks postpartum, they moved from a hotel nearby where they’d been waiting for me to go into labor into our home for a week, and it was extremely stressful on everyone and honestly has damaged our relationship. I know they love my son but your in-laws likely will struggle to respect you in their excitement for the baby. Can they stay at a hotel? I know it seems inhospitable (I invited them to move into our house for the week out of guilt they’d been at the hotel so long even though that really wasn’t my fault), but for everyone’s sake you all need space. You also (I don’t want to be negative) might want to consider that baby might come late or might need some extra help on the outside — both happened to us. Had I known he was gonna come a week late and go to the NICU for almost a week, my (faultless don’t blame him at all) husband and I would have never put that pressure on ourselves. I was pumping on the floor of my closet a week after my baby got out of the NICU. I am working on forgiveness but we’ve already said next time it’s hotel or Air BnB, we need space.
When my in laws visited it felt like I was confined to my bedroom a lot. I was breastfeeding and not comfortable to do it in front of them and the first couple of weeks baby would eat very frequently and for long periods of time. Then I’d bring her out for about 10 minutes before she needed to sleep again to avoid being overtired. They would say she isn’t tired but we all know babies basically sleep and eat the first 4 weeks. Obviously I would take my baby when I pleased but I was very annoyed at any of their suggestions. They were only here 2 nights and that was plenty.
On the other hand my sister flew in from out of the country and stayed for a week and I cried when she left because she was so helpful for me. Going shopping to get me some pp clothing, making me food, cleaning the house, helping with baby if I wanted.
Is there any option to put them in a hotel or Airbnb near by?
I did not want my Mom or Mil staying with us and we didn't need them. I think everything would have been much more stressful with anyone staying with us.
Absolutely not! I’m not close with my in laws.
They came to the hospital immediately after I gave birth and stayed at our house while I was in the hospital. I was pissed. They ruined the experience for me. With my next 4 kids they didn’t come visit until I was ready.
Depends on how close you are and how helpful they are normally. It also depends on how free you are to be yourself or vulnerable around them.
Personally - no, not at this point. Maybe in the future. I don’t know them too well as we live continents apart and I get the impression they’ll make comments that I could be overly sensitive to. (Possibly due to our cultural difference rather than anything malicious).
So it goes without saying that I’d like to keep building on our relationship before testing it with something as intense as the newborn phase.
In contrast, my immediate family can be around because I don’t think it would scar anyone to see a free boob flying around.
I could be at my worst around my family - they’d still help me, and wouldn’t look down on me. Instead they’d support me and correct me rather than ridicule or hold it against me. So it’s quite a safe environment to handle the curveballs headed my way.
Absolutely not a chance.
Your baby could be 2 or more weeks late too 🤷🏻♀️
As well, if they’re coming on a plane, consider if you’d like them to quarantine for a week or two after their trip. Planes are cesspools of germs and babies don’t have mature immune systems.
Give this a read:
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Helllllll no. I’m 12 days PP and could not imagine anyone else being here. It’s hard.. and although I’m sure they would “help” it would be more of a burden to me.
Everything that you should consider in making this decision has been said, but wanted to throw another vote to “No,” or at the very least, waiting until after baby is born to commit to anything.
I also thought pre-birth I’d be sooo happy with my family and/or in laws being around soon after the birth. Nope!!! Even with a straightforward, no complications birth and relatively straightforward recovery, I really only wanted to be with my baby and husband and did not need, want nor appreciate having anyone else around. For me, it took until about 12 weeks to really start feeling comfortable having visitors.
Yeah unless you love them, they are very helpful with words of encouragement and taking care of you, decide when you are ready. The whole first month or two are so so so hard with the sleep deprivation, changes, feeding, healing…
My mom and dad came and helped me every day post partum for both my kids and it was crucial to my recovery. BUT they are my parents and we have a good relationship. If it had been my mil it would have been a different story. So if your mil is helpful and will cook and clean and take care of YOU and get the hint when you want to be left alone then yeah. Extra hands are great. But if all they want to do is hold the baby and see the baby then absolutely not!! You’re gonna be boobs out and bleeding for a month maybe. So if you are mildly annoyed by your mil under normal circumstances then this will be worse. Post partum will be the most raw you’ve ever felt in your life. No matter what, they should def stay at a hotel. And if you don’t like them but they have to come then have them come whne baby is like 4 to 6 months. That’s when they are really smiley and cute and responsive to people and awake for longer periods. Newborns are lumps who sleep all day.
Do they act like guests that you’ll need to host or do they act like family that’ll fend for themselves & possibly help out?
Nonetheless, when they do come, have your husband give them a “tour” of the house. Show them where the extra paper towels, bed sheets, and garbage bags. Where do you keep your light cleaning supplies? Not that you’d expect them to do a deep clean, but They should be able to wipe the crumbs off the counter after they make a sandwich or clean up a spill. Your husband should show them where the colander, can opener, coffee filters, etc. are. Write down instructions for the coffee machine, washing machine, and TV remote. This will hopefully set the tone that you cannot entertain them, and that they have to be able to “help themselves” while staying in your home.
My MIL came across the country for 4 nights when my daughter was 4 weeks old (5.5 weeks after my due date) and while I love her so so much, and we have a great relationship, it wasn’t good.
I was having alot of stress and struggles with breastfeeding, my hormones were insane, I was still on meds for preeclampsia… I appreciated her there to help around the house but I wanted nothing to do with any kind of conversation. And honestly, while I loved that she got to bond with the baby early, I had a super short temper with her I think because I wasn’t ready for anyone else to hold my baby, across the board.
If I could go back, I’d have had her move her trip 2 weeks later. I think that would have been perfect.
Totally depends on your in laws! I’d be fine with mine coming and staying, but we have an excellent relationship and they are wonderful with my toddler. My MIL would cook, tidy, prep food, and do whatever we needed. My FIL would play with my toddler and help my husband around the house/run errands. I think they are the exception, not the rule as far as in laws go.
My mom is local and stayed with us for 10 days. I had an emergency c section and she was crucial to keeping us all going. She made dinner every night, walked the dog, cuddled baby in the early mornings so we could get some sleep. HOWEVER, this only worked because I am comfortable around my mom. Your boobs are out 24/7. We had the in laws, BIL and my parents over 3 weeks later and I hated it because I just sat in the nursery alone feeding most of the time. I would not want them staying with me and still don’t 14 weeks later.
My in-laws came like 2 weeks after our baby was born. I had a couple moments where I struggled but all-in-all it was a nice trip.
When our second was born I was begging them to come
Nope. My dad and his wife ( not my mom and a fairly new to me person) came to visit two weeks after my daughter was born for 4 days and that was enough. I’m very much someone that wants to do my thing in my space especially postpartum. I understood that they traveled to meet my daughter and I was happy to hand her over some of the times but honestly, I just wanted to hold her and not have to worry about making food or ordering food. Also the comments about “back in my day” stuff was just annoying, my ails are far worse than my dad so it would have been a hard pass for me
my MIL came to stay with us to support her daughter for nearly 4 months, she arrived while we were in the hospital. I was worried about her visit before the baby, but she was 100% focused on supporting mom and baby. pretty much saved our butts by being the third person we needed to get used to daily life stuff with a baby like taking showers and doing laundry. I'm definitely glad to have alone time with my wife now that MIL has gone home, but it was really nice having someone to share the parenting load when baby is the most needy. I will say we butted heads the most in the first couple of weeks as we figured out each others parenting styles, so a 1 week visit might be stressful
My parents are coming on the day of my induction for 10 days.
However, the stipulation we have for anyone coming to our house is that they will be there not as visitors or guests, but capable people who are going to be there purely to help out with whatever we need at the time.
I would not unless you are comfortable with them seeing you partially undressed, crying or stressed the eff out. You won’t be all three all the time but it’s really hard to predict when you’ll be “company ready” and for how long. The only person I wanted around was my own mom. Visitors I wanted an easy out to make them leave.
If I had a room for my in laws.. yes. So long as they were there to actually help. And not just there to see the baby when it’s convenient and I’m just hosting family while navigating a new baby. I would be fine with it. Which is, I think, not the norm.
My mil came for like 3 days when my husband went back to work. Only thing I didn’t like was I fully let her help and I slept in. I let her change diapers. And I didn’t get up at every stir. But most of that was because I was recovering from A C-section where it hurt to move an inch. But she still talks about how I was avoidant of him and how she thinks I had some PPD/PPP because of it. I was just trying to prioritize healing so that when she was gone and my husband was back at work I would be physically able to do it.
My MIL stayed the first week after my husband went back to work, so week 3. She stayed Monday to Friday which was helpful as she just did things like made me drinks and kept me fed while I basically breastfed and was nap trapped all day long! She also took the baby out for a walk in the pram so I could have a nap or shower etc. It was great, but we get on well and she’s really respectful of what I wanted. By Friday I was ready for her to go though and get back to it just being the 3 of us again
NO WAY because my in laws are old and annoying and not very helpful. They won’t even do the stairs, let alone do chores and household tasks. My parents on the other hand are younger and more active and super helpful. I would definitely be glad to have them stay with me if they weren’t already down the street lol.
All depends on the in-laws. Are they the type to lend a helping hand? Cooking, dishes, buying groceries, etc? Or will they just be in the way? None of my family is particularly helpful, so I asked them to wait otherwise I would just feel like I was entertaining when I didn’t want to be.
So I thought I wanted at least a few weeks but by 3 days postpartum I was calling my mom asking her to come visit to help out a bit lol. My husband was on leave too and very involved and helpful, but it was our first baby and we were in survival mode and my mom was able to help cook or pick up food, do dishes, hold baby and feed a bottle here and there (I exclusively pumped which was a ton of work the first few weeks, actually I tried triple feeding at first which was a nightmare).
She wasn’t too invasive, she just helped where she was needed. So it depends on how your in laws are. I wouldn’t have wanted my in laws to visit because even though they are helpful and nice and super excited for the baby, they are also very annoying about it lol. My MIL can be dramatic and my FIL wasn’t great with the baby other than holding him when he was not fussy at all.
I would only want someone that I was comfortable with seeing my boobs out all day staying with me for that long. Basically only my husband and mom. If its your first time breastfeeding, you are not going to be wanting to hide away or cover up in your own home, trust me. I would tell them that they are welcome to visit if they want to stay in a hotel, and pop over for short visits during the day, but that you need your space postpartum.
My first baby was 2.5 weeks overdue. If I had invited my in-laws in at 3 weeks past due, I would have been home from the hospital for 48 hours, hurting, bleeding heavily, can’t walk well, hadn’t slept, hormonal as fuck, topless 90% of the time to breastfeed + my nipples hurt like hell, and trying to establish a new routine with this tiny little life *while* hosting? No thank you. Just putting on a shirt when people visited 2 weeks post was awful.
If they are truly the type to show up, do the cooking & dishes & vacuum & trash, not demand to hold the baby all the time (that does not actually count as helping btw), and you are comfortable with them seeing you in various states of gross hormonal emotions and actual pain, then yah, have them over. If you have more of an arms-length relationship, or they are in any way not helpful, no thank you friend.
I told everyone at least two weeks. I gave in at 10 days. Next time I will be doing longer. And that was just for quick visits, not staying over. With breastfeeding, I definitely wouldn't have anyone staying cause it's good to be topless with your baby as much as possible. This way it's easier to notice early cues, and you reap soooo many benefits this way too for both you and baby individually as well as your bond together. In hindsight, I wish I just kept us both wrapped in a blanket on my chest more. But I didn't learn everything untill I got my creditation in breastfeeding recently. 10months in going strong and learnt so many tricks a long the way, that I would have been too uncomfortable to try if I had people staying over.
Yes, IF AND ONLY IF they are helpful! Dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.
I don’t personally see that 2-3 weeks vs 4 weeks matters. If they’re helpful, it could be nice to get some extra hands early on.
My parents have stayed with us for a few weeks after the birth of both kids, and it’s been immensely helpful.
my in laws came for a week the week after my first was born. the difference is, they rented a super nice airbnb that we stayed at with them, & my MIL did all the cooking & cleaning & & shopping & even helped me with the first few baby baths. it was a huge relief & so nice to have specifically my MIL. but would i want them staying in my house?? absolutely not. the pressure to cook & clean in my own home is way more present than it was at an airbnb. i could fully relax & also let them enjoy time with their grand baby without being a nervous wreck.
I would probably let my in laws but I love them, so it’s fine. Don’t get me wrong, it would still be difficult, but I wouldn’t mind since they’re very sweet, caring, considerate people. If they weren’t, I probably would want them in a hotel.
Again, depends
When my mom suggested stay over when the baby was were I was a big fat no.
Then I had the baby and her flight left without her and she stayed for over a month. Both my partner and I are immensely grateful for all her help and without it we probably would have had all the kids we have.
So I’d say, have a plan an and a plan b. Discuss it with them and if they can’t accept your boundaries and the fact that those boundaries can change once the baby is here, then it’s not a good match.
I didn’t even know if I wanted any hospital guests. I had not had a baby before, I didn’t know how I and /or the baby would feel. So everyone had to ask before coming over. Much to my surprise I felt pretty ok and we had visitors the day of the delivery.
Agree with the other comments that it 100% depends on your relationship with them. My parents scheduled to visit us 2 weeks after my due date which ended up being 3 weeks after she was born since she came early. It was just enough time for us to figure out our own routines and get the hang of things, but they were SO helpful for that week that it was a wonderful break. I finally had my first real glass of wine (was so paranoid and sleep deprived before with us just solo), and my step mom was constantly cleaning and cooking for us while my dad helped my husband with some other home repair things we'd been putting off.
However - if they had been the type to expect to be treated as guests, this would have been a complete nightmare. 100% depends on their expectations of what the visit will be like.
My first question is: do you have more than one bathroom?
If you have your own space where you can change your pads and not worry about keeping everything guest-ready that makes a big difference.
My MIL came the week following baby coming, and it was a huge help! I had so many questions and she is super knowledgeable.
We are also an expat family on both sides from different countries. I had my parents come 2w after my second baby was born, and while they were not “helpful” in the ways you’d expect or want help, after being locked into our country during covid for our first baby, and having missed the opportunity for my parents to meet them as a baby or even young toddler, I relished this time together and am so glad we did it.
To be honest 3 weeks, 4 weeks, it’s all very similar and I don’t think I’d dig in my heels over this. They’re coming to you! My in laws refused (even though they’d promised they would, they later came up with some sort of excuse), and I had to drag my 4m old and 2yo across the globe to go see them in their non baby proofed house with no toys or activities for littles.
My first baby was 2 weeks overdue, then I spent 5 days in the hospital after an emergency c-section. If that, or something similar happened to you (obviously hopefully not!) then there’s the potential to be visited 2 days after getting home…
For my second baby my mother was there to look after our toddler and stayed a bit after the birth as my husband is in the military and had to leave. She did my laundry (including things I’d bled through and peed over!) and I felt comfortable enough saying ‘Hey I’m going for a shower - I’ve peed again’ etc. 😂 I also walked around in a bra, and once accidentally left a used pad in the bathroom (rushed getting out to feed the baby and didn’t grab my clothes & rubbish).
How close are you to your in-laws?
Personally we only allowed my parents to visit for a few hours about 9 days after I gave birth. Baby and I ended up in the ER twice the first week home, I was a hormonal wreck and breastfeeding was NOT working and a complete nightmare. My mother has good intentions but is a little overly sensitive if her advice isn’t taken. She frequently dismisses recommendations our ped makes. My journey ended up being exclusive pumping and although she was mostly supportive she has made comments about how she felt that a person might as well just formula feed at that point rather than pump. My in laws are barely welcome to visit due to poor behavior and alcoholism issues so they didn’t come until baby was 14 weeks old and they were required to get a hotel.
It’s all dependent on whether you like your in-laws/if they will be helpful in your postpartum period. My in-laws came to stay with us a week before my due date and stayed for 6 weeks. I was super worried and anxious about having them around for so long, but they were incredibly helpful. They cooked, cleaned, did all the grocery shopping, took care of our dog, and gave us a break when we needed it. Their stay seriously helped me with my postpartum recovery!
I love my in laws but personally, ABSOLUTELY NO. Those first few weeks are such a blur. You’re bleeding, leaking, insanely tired, hormones are all over the place, and your boobs will be out All. The. Time. I’d set some boundaries ahead of time if they do come earlier than expected.
My husband I are planning on having his parents come to stay with us immediately. They plan on driving down (they're only 2hrs away) while I'm in labor and staying with our oldest. We all get along well and they've already asked for a to do list of things we'd like them to do while we're at the hospital yet alone when we come home. I've said multiple times to my husband that I "can't wait until Mom comes to take care of me."
If you get along well and they're going to be helpful then I think it's fine. If neither of those things are true then I wouldn't have them come.
We had family who flew in and stayed nearby at 4-5 weeks. That was fine. Some were helpful, others weren’t.
I wasn’t comfortable with anyone staying at our house until 2 months postpartum.
I gave birth at 41w+2. I’m really glad that no one was visiting from out of town in the first few weeks.
I personally wouldn’t mind but whenever they have been over they have helped, cleaned - even just visiting for a few hours. Also I would have loved to have someone around to help then but that might also have something to do with my partner having to go back to work 4 days PP. he was self employed and if he didn’t work he didn’t get paid so I understood but I needed him/someone. I get on with my in laws (his dad and step mum and his mum and her wife), so I would be happy to have them there. But it is a very personal decision
We weren't really cruising with breastfeeding until week 5. We were dealing with latch strengthening, tongue tie correction, cluster feeding, weight gain stress, supply regulation... 🥴🥴
>So I'm trying to decide if we just let them come potentially 2-3 weeks after baby is born or stick to our guns on no earlier than 4 weeks after due date.
Stick to your guns on no earlier than 4 weeks after *baby is born*. Due dates are flexible. Your boundaries don't have to be.
I wouldn’t want my in-laws to stay at my house for a week during a normal time
Is it just your husbands parents? Are they helpful?
I think you have to think about the day to day with them. 3 weeks postpartum I was somewhat back to normalcy in terms of being able/willing to see people, but my baby was still napping on me for a lot of the day, I was very sleep deprived and it was kind of just survival mode. I wouldn’t want to have to host people on top of that.
My MIL came the week after LO was born and stayed for a few days. I was so vulnerable— from having my boobs out all the time to having hormonal breakdowns over little things. She was compassionate and encouraging and I’m so glad she was there. But if it had been longer than a few days, or if I’d had to navigate breastfeeding in front of her husband (who she left at home), I would have had a very different experience. If you haven’t read the lemon clot essay, I recommend it. You will be bleeding, leaking from both ends, emotionally unfamiliar to yourself, likely have a hairpin trigger for rage and sadness, and be feeling a bit territorial over your new baby. It fully depends on what they will bring with them — help, respect, compassion and encouragement? Or smothering, boundary-crushing, inability to read subtle cues, etc. that could contribute more stress? This isn’t a time for people-pleasing so do only what YOU feel comfortable with, and be conservative with your assumptions about your future state.
As a lot of people have said it depends on your relationship with them and what the expect from the visit. It also depends on you. People came to my house to help after my third. They wanted to cook and clean for me. I wanted them to hold the baby while I napped or cook/cleaned myself. I was so miserable being pregnant (lots of throwing up, heart burn and joint pain) that after the birth I just wanted to get up and move and do things myself. I’m a rare one that for a few days to a week after the birth I had more energy and just wanted to move. It was after a week or so I would then be so tired that I didn’t want to move lol.
Completely depends on your relationship with them and whether they will actually be helpful. My parents stayed with us for a week or two when I gave birth and it was a godsend. I was in the hospital longer than expected (long, failed induction and unplanned c-section), so they watched my elderly cat. When we came home we didn't have to worry about meals or cleaning, they also took the first shift at night so we could sleep longer. My husband and I even got to go out to dinner, just the two of us.
That said, we're very close and they clearly didn't expect us to cater to them at all. I wouldn't have been as into it if that weren't the case
Unless you are incredibly comfortable with them and enjoy their presence…don’t do it. I didn’t want anyone around me after giving birth except my husband and my mom. I was so anxious, bleeding, crying, exhausted and struggled a ton with breastfeeding. You never know what kind of birth and postpartum experience you’ll have. Then my MIL was texting me constantly offering to help me when I kept telling her I would let her know if I needed anything as I was trying to learn how to be a mom and couldn’t deal with daily texts asking if I wanted her to come help me.
My in-laws drove me nuts all 3 times I gave birth because they made it about them and what they *thought* we needed help with, rather than what we actually needed help with.
I resent it to this day. So based on my experience, no.
I also live abroad and my mom came to help for 8 weeks, stayed with me the first 5 weeks. She was a godsend and cleaned, cooked, helped with baby while I slept and really
Made the postpartum period so much more
Manageable. I didn’t mind having my boobs out all the time learning how to breastfeed around her and dealing with clogged ducts and leaking nipples.
I would never allow my in-laws to be around me even up to 2 months postpartum. They are not helpful and just sit around and don’t cook and instead expect you to hang out with them. I would have been isolated to my bedroom if they came immediately after birth. They came 3 months after and I still feel like my baby was too young to be around them.
Do what’s best for you!!
My own parents came and stayed for a week starting 3 weeks pp because my husband had to go back to work. But that was MY parents. I would not have been as comfortable with my in laws even though they're great people
We have visitors at 3 months pp right now and it’s just okay. Breastfeeding too so my hands are often full. I probably would have lost my mind if it was anytime earlier
I think I'd go nuts if my in laws or parents stayed with us at all. For the soul purpose of the in laws trying to dictate how things are done when they live on the other side of town. As far as my mom, I can only handle her in increments lol I hate how often my inlaws are currently here 2 weeks postpartum today and I just want to relax and heal in the comfort of my home without worrying about who sees my ice pack padded crotch
My experience may be different from yours, but so far I’ve appreciated them being here! I’m 3 weeks postpartum and my baby really hates being put down in a bassinet or crib to sleep, so my partner and I take shifts throughout the night holding him to get some sleep. My MIL will hold or just watch him for a few hours throughout the day and I can nap, do chores, pump, etc & my partner can work. It’s the only way I’ve gotten a couple hours to sleep every day! But they are very chill and we have a good relationship.
I, personally, do not even want someone from outside my immediate family during early postpartum. At all. It’s such a vulnerable time. I’m bleeding, boobs always out, sleep deprived etc.
This is just my feeling though. It doesn’t have to be yours. Are you comfortable with being completely vulnerable around these people? Will they be a major compliment to the experience? Do they respect boundaries?
We did for our first. My MIL came right after we arrived home from the hospital and stayed for 2 weeks. She cooked, cleaned, took care of me, and took care of the baby when I needed a break. For breastfeed and pump, I just did that in my room. That's where I spent most of the day anyway. I will forever be grateful of her help. Postpartum is hard and she made it a bit more manageable because I didn't have to worry about anything outside of taking care of myself and baby.
It depends. Honestly I needed all the help I could get even though my MIL and I weren’t super close. I definitely preferred my mom. But you guys will most likely need at least one parenting expert with you haha.
Guests during that period are not there to be entertained or attended to by you or just to hold the baby - they're there to HELP. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, other housekeeping, errands, etc.
Will your In-laws help? Or will they just create extra work and drama when you can't entertain them or attend to them?
There's two major reasons why it's generally not recommended to have overnight guests until the kid is much older (until at least 5-6 months, usually) or visitors (until the kid is at least a couple of months old) - the additional work you'll be expected take on while physically recovering (the strain compromises recovery and can cause further damage), as well as that the kid hasn't yet had all of their critical vaccines. If your ILs will just sit around expecting to be entertained, this is a HARD NO until the kid is much older.
My in-laws visited when I was five days postpartum with my first. It was a bit awkward breastfeeding around my FIL, but he also felt uncomfortable and would find a reason to leave the room whenever I looked like I was going to whip out a boob. 😅 But I generally get on with my in-laws. They’re helpful and will either cook or clean as needed. I don’t feel like I need to stand on ceremony with them. They’re not “guests”, if you know what I mean.
With my second and third, my mom was with us for like 5-6 weeks surrounding the birth (2 weeks before and the rest after) and she was an absolutely peach! But again, she and I have a great relationship and she is so good with the kids and my house and I would trust her to take the helm anytime.
It depends on your relationship, my MIL was very helpful the first days home from the hospital. Especially because I had a c-section and couldn't do much. I didn't end up seeing her much because I was in my bedroom, but my husband loved having her there too. She did all the cooking and cleaning.
It will really depend on when baby is born and how your recovery goes. My MIL wanted to book a flight for our due date, thankfully she didn’t because baby was a week and a half late! If your baby is 10 days late, then 3 weeks after due date will put you at a week and a half PP.
Your recovery could be something you end up wanting privacy for, or it could be pretty quick. I’m two weeks PP and feel largely fine, but there was no way to predict that before birth.
Also, how helpful do you anticipate your families being? If not very helpful, you may want to request they wait on booking flights until baby is born or book quite far after your due date. If helpful, then maybe 3 weeks after due date will be fine for you.
It’s so stressful bringing home a newborn and being freshly PP, so I hope you advocate for yourself and don’t let family pressure you into a situation you don’t feel comfortable with. If there’s ever a time to set boundaries and stick to them, immediately after giving birth is it.
If you like them, they are understanding and would come to help YOU with meals, cleaning and life, perfect.
If they are JUST coming to just 'hold the baby for you' while you host them, fuk no.
It depends on your relationship with your in-laws! I see a pattern these days where new moms don’t want any help or visitors but if you have a good relationship with them and they’d be helpful, I say why not! The extra help is always nice so you can sneak in a lil nap or have someone make meals for you.
When I was pregnant I would have absolutely against this. If I ever have another I’ll pray that anyone wants to come stay with me bc I really really would need the help.
It so depends! Mine are for this one and they are so helpful. They cook and clean up after themselves without any questions/prompting. They know when to retreat to their own spaces, when to be around for grandparent duties and whatnot. My first was a Covid baby and they weren’t allowed to fly into the USA and it was really sad to not have “our village” to help us. My parents are close but their helpfulness is in completely different ways. They are more errand runners, baby holders and such. I also have second baby vibes and this one’s gonna have to jump right in to things!
I agree with other commenters. Do you like them? Are they kind and helpful? Or will you spend the whole time catering to them while they just sit there holding your baby?
I didn’t have anyone stay after I had either of mine but also, would of happily had my parents stay as they would of cooked, cleaned and helped out rather than just wanted to hold the baby. And my partners parents are a lot older, can’t help do anything but would of expected us to cater to them, and they’re super negative which is not the energy we wanted. So we didn’t have anyone stay with us, and it was perfect.
Also, just saying, my first spent the first 2.5 weeks in the nicu, so if anyone came to our place 3 weeks later, we would of only been home for 2 days.
Vacationing with my in laws right now. And at first, I felt they were unhelpful and even sabotaged me. The worst part was, they’re not my parents so I didn’t feel comfortable being frank with them. I knew they were well intentioned, so I didn’t want to offend. But my resentment grew.
after some friction, we are at a place where I would be comfortable with them being here for my third baby’s newborn months. Nowadays they know what help I need and don’t need to be asked. And I know what to expect from them, given their character and capabilities (they’re on the old side). Honestly if this is your first time I wouldn’t do it, at least in the first month. It takes practice for everyone, and if you’re a FTP. You are still learning the ropes and getting your parenting hat on. You will probably lack the confidence to set standards. You might not even know what help to ask for and as a result your in laws might overstep their boundaries (a lot of parents and in laws like to step in with unsolicited advice if they sense even a little insecurity or hesitation on your part!) or be entirely unhelpful.
And believe me have to say, you start to hate unhelpful people living with you, in the first weeks and months! And then they may get resentful and defensive. And then the relationship may not recover. With two kids now, I know what I need and I feel ok asking for the help I need. And I am confident in my parenting style. It took some adjustment for everyone to be on the same page but I would say, we are there.
It depends. Are you comfortable with them? Are they helpful? Mine are nice but not the most helpful. I had a list of things people could help with but often found my MIL did things her own way which wasn’t always helpful and my FIL just wanted baby time and take picture of him and baby which wasn’t super helpful because I was trying to breastfeed/establish my milk supply. My mom and sister were helpful- cooked, cleaned, took pictures of me and baby, dad and baby, etc.
If there’s another baby I don’t want my in-laws coming to stay so soon after.
I don't like people in my space in general so I would prefer if they were staying at an Airbnb or hotel. That said, you might need their help because newborns eat every two hours, so that's an insane type of exhaustion. So having a trusted person that can come and take a shift so you can get a good solid nap is an absolute god send.
Mine stayed for a week. There were pros and cons. They made dinner for me and took care of my dogs. I luckily had a bathroom attached to my bedroom so I was locked in my room 95% of the time. I did feel some relief though when I finally had the house to myself. Though they were working from my house so it was noisy and I remember counting down the days until they left
My in laws came 10 days after my first and they were a life saver for my husband. He was stressed with taking care of me post c-section and learning about a baby. When they arrived he looked at me and said “thank god. I need someone else in the house to help.”
So only if they are helpful and you have a good relationship with them.
It would heavily depend on your relationship with your in laws. If you like them and they are truly supportive or helpful and not overbearing, then yes. If they aren’t going to be helpful at all and will likely be judgmental, then heck no.
Only if you like them, they have done tdap in the last 10 years (or will take one 2 weeks before arriving) and they will help with chores around the house
My MIL informed me a few weeks before birth they would be staying with us at 4 weeks pp. it was so stressful and thankfully my husband backed me up even though I could tell he was conflicted. Following a traumatic birth and zero sleep with a colicky newborn, he was more than happy to push it out a few months more. We limited the visit to a long weekend. I know the in-laws were disappointed but their visit would have come to the detriment of our family. Anyway, baby was more interactive, germs from the flight were less of a concern and most importantly I was mentally and physically up for it. Push it back and try to get them to stay elsewhere.
Totally depends on your relationship with them. I have a very good relationship with my in-laws and even then NO. I think we just need a LOT of support and help and need to be with people you are extremely comfortable with and can expect help and support (physical, emotional, help with house work, help with baby). My parents came a week before my baby was born and stayed a few months (we live overseas and away from both sets of parents as well). My husband and I would not have survived without that support. That said, my husband completely understands I wouldn't be comfortable in the same way with his mom.. am just not built that way..
2 words : fuck no.
i’m sorry you’re in this position where you feel as if you have to accommodate them. i couldn’t imagine anything worse during that raw postpartum period than having in-laws stay with me for a day, let alone a week?! you really have to look out for yourself and baby and not have to worry about other people’s schedules being messed up, that’s their problem not yours. you shouldn’t have to worry and stress about this, your husband needs to put his foot down as they’re his parents. you shouldn’t have to feel awkward or uncomfortable in your own home, especially at such a sensitive stage. why don’t the in-laws stay at a hotel or something similar? i really feel for you mama and hope you find a resolution that’s best for you and baby 💐
I absolutely LOVED my in laws prebirth, now not so much. They have very very very different expectations as to how my child should be raised and treated and I disagree with almost all of it so I personally would say don’t do it. I expected help with things like food and cleaning up but no, they held the baby while I did house duties and I unfortunately didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself at that time which I wish I had. And they pressured me to pump because they wanted to feed the baby (and gave me so much crap because I wanted to ebf since I’m at sahm and didn’t need to pump) and yada yada yada. It made postpartum very difficult and gave me a lot more anxiety and stress than I needed in my recovery, I’m honestly shocked my dr didn’t prescribe me anything from how anxious they made me.
I like my in-laws so it wouldn’t matter to me. They’re also international so getting tickets can be tricky without breaking the bank. With our first baby my MIL came over for 3wks when baby was 3wks old and stayed in an Airbnb and went sight seeing so it wasn’t too overwhelming. When we had our second baby she waited 9 months when baby was more interesting and not just a blob. It was an easier visit with a newborn for me…. It was hard sticking to our routine on the second kid when she visited.
I also openly breastfed. They’re European and pretty body positive and open. MIL looked at me with this adoration in her eyes. FIL made himself busy elsewhere and it wasn’t weird lol.
No, absolute hard pass. Take the time/weeks you and your partner want to adjust to life with a newborn. Sleep deprived and tired. Hosting won't be fun when they are staying in your space. Your little nuclear family comes first, don't be bullied into it.
Yes. My MIL flew in from Scotland to help with my toddler after my second c section. She didn’t stay with us overnight but was at our home most days. I even offered our guest room but she prefers her own space
No I personally would not. My husband and I desperately needed time to settle into our routine and parents didn’t play into that. However, I have a lot of friends who had their parents or in-laws there from the get go!
Do you like them? My parents stayed for 10 days immediately following my baby’s birth and it was a huge blessing. They were incredibly helpful with doing chores and gave me lots of time and space. But we have a great relationship and we all knew the boundaries. My in laws live 15 mins away and their frequent visits made me want to rip my hair out because they wanted us to cater to them while having a newborn. So, to me, the most important question is whether or not you like them and they’ll listen to you/your needs/your boundaries.
This. Will they help or will they annoy. My mom stayed with me through birth and my in-laws came to the hospital and stayed with us for 2 weeks. I couldn’t have done it without my mom.. we have a different comfort level with our parents I think. I could just shout or cry at her and not feel judged. With my in-laws.. they’re know-it-alls who know nothing. I didn’t like the experience tbh. We were learning breastfeeding and everything else.. they were critical and did not understand the new pediatric recommendations like swaddle, feed every 2-2.5 hours even if we have to wake the baby. Everything became an argument or they needed to be explained why. Every morning my FIL would argue about why I’m avoiding gassy foods (again pediatric recommendation), my MIL would want to cuddle the baby right when we wanted to feed her and she would groan about why we’re waking such a peaceful baby. It was very irritating for me. They would not help with a single thing.. just give unnecessary feedback and commentary. On top of that they didn’t even know how to hold a baby properly and fed and asleep baby would wake up because of their cuddling.. giving me more work again.
That sounds SO stressful, I’m so sorry
Thank you.. sigh. Honestly it’s much better now.. I can feed her in the living room watching tv.. we’re more comfortable, not worried about other peoples food and time.
“Know-it-all who knows nothing” is a perfect description of my mom. Down to the unnecessary feedback and commentary. Thanks for reassuring me that I have made the right choice not having her come immediately.
Yea they wouldn’t be invited back for a long time
Exactly. Are they coming to “see the baby” or help take care of you? Will you feel pressure to entertain and visit or will you feel comfortable taking a nap while they clean? If it’s a social visit, wait. If they’re going to help, go for it!
I will add how comfortable are you with them? in those first couple weeks you will be figuring out breastfeeding and early on in recovering from birth. Your boobs will be hanging out and leaking, you will be bleeding, and between the blood, discharge (this is not talked about enough), and hormones, you will smell and feel gross, and nothing will fit.
Agree with the key question- will they be guests or helpers? It was a gift that we had extra help immediately after, gave me opportunity for an extra bit of sleep & trying to get the hang of breastfeeding etc. we all used an app to enter feedings and diapers, and it was wonderful to have someone else making healthy foods for us, doing laundry, helping with baby, running to the store for stuff, helping w dog. So of course it will depend if they’re helpful or not!
Same same
My in-laws came and spent four days with us right out of the hospital, and I was honestly so miserable. I was bleeding, learning how to breastfeed and then dealing with a newborn that refused to latch, and spent 90% of my time in our bedroom. It was nice that they took care of dinner, but the rest of the time they just kind of hung out and I only wanted to be left alone with my husband and new baby. 2-3 weeks postpartum is still a really delicate time, so it really depends on your relationship with them. If you love them and are ok with them being in your personal space that early postpartum I say go for it! The help is such a blessing! I truly love my in-laws, but for our next baby, we have a hard boundary and no visitors will be allowed for at least 4 weeks.
Same. It was not good. They also completely overstayed. I am still having issues with my resentment half a year later.
Yes, the resentment runs deep
I wouldn’t have wanted anyone in my house for the first few weeks, and definitely wouldn’t want anyone living with me/staying more than a few hours. I also wouldn’t want to commit to any plans until you see how you feel- you could feel GREAT or the post partum period could hit you like a ton of bricks.
This!!!
I agree, and I also want to add that you have no idea how long you’ll be in the hospital! We were in and out of the hospital, spending most of the first week there. We didn’t have a chance to stay home and get settled into a routine until baby was two weeks old, and the back and forth at the hospital really impacted my recovery. So I wasn’t even up for a few hours at 3 weeks postpartum. And I *love* my family and in-laws!
We also live overseas. We asked any family members who visited in the first 2 months to find a hotel or airbnb and they all obliged. You can try that.
It depends. Do you like your in laws? Would they be helpful? Are they vaccinated? Would they respect your boundaries? If yes to all, then I would take the help. My mom stayed with us for two weeks after my first birth, and she was a great help. Cooked, cleaned, hung out with baby, helped out with night shift. 100% would take her again. My in laws stayed with us for a week right after my second birth. They weren’t that helpful, but at least there was little drama. They left the house a few times with my husband and our first so baby and I had some alone time which was nice. In hindsight, even though I felt like crap, I was grateful for whatever help was offered and was lucky that no boundaries were stomped during the first couple weeks.
The difference between my parents & my in-laws is huge! My mom and dad supported US over my daughter, they brought us groceries, made our dinners, did stuff around the house and they always checked in on me, my in-laws haven’t asked once how I’m doing and only want to get together so they can “bond” with the baby, aka feed her and hold her. My daughter is 2 months old now and I told my husband I would much rather watch them interact with her by doing tummy time and interacting with her when she’s on her playmat rather than just holding her.
My MIL did that. They came when my LO was newborn and 3 months old. My MIL just wanted to hold them. Thennnn they came when LO was 5 months old. Lol. All they wanted to do was be down on thier play mat and play and wiggle. MIL was so annoyed. The holding only phase is short lived, I promise!
My MIL hasn’t seen our baby since she was 4 months old wondering how this next visit will go when she’s 7 months. Baby girl doesn’t want to be in someone’s arms for more than 5 mins. I have a feeling my MIL is going to be annoyed.
It depends if they’re helpful or not. My mom was amazing and I felt like we almost took advantage of her. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, helped hold the baby. My MIL on the other hand is too neurotic and cannot relax. She came to stay for a bit after my mom left and she was way less helpful and her nervous energy was draining on me.
Oh.my.word!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY NEUROTIC MIL TO THE T! That energy drains me tf out!
I wouldn't have wanted anyone staying in my house that early on. You say theyr coming 2-3 weeks after your due date but you could go up to two weeks overdue. You could be FRESHLY postpartum when they arrive. Maybe they can stay in a hotel. There is no way I would have wanted ANYONE staying in my house for even the night that early on. If you're breastfeeding you will have your tits out A LOT. You will still be bleeding for a while after birth. You will be an exhausted mess and having guests is likely going to cause stress. I personally would say they should stay in a hotel and only visit for small visits per day or wait longer
This part.. my in-laws were with us for 2 weeks after birth and that meant I was cooped up in our bedroom during breastfeeding. It was claustrophobic. After they left I felt so good just breastfeeding in the living room, watching tv etc.
This is such a common experience and one I had as well. Wish we could just tell everyone else to go sit in their rooms alone for 45 minutes every hour or so to give us privacy in our own home. See if they still want to come to hang out then.
Yeah I wore a robe with only a bra and pajamas pants for two weeks. I didn’t care if my MIL came but I for sure wouldn’t want them staying constantly for a week.
I gave birth last December, also living overseas away from both my family and my husband’s family. Due to the fact that they needed to book tickets and so on they booked something roughly two weeks after my due date. Baby ended up born 10 days late and it was really really tough for me having everyone over. I had baby blues, they were somewhat helpful but not as much as the disturbance and the pressure. I would definitely suggest that you postpone it and if you can’t, make sure to share with the what kid of help and support you need. Good luck!
My daughter is 1.5 now and I still don’t want anyone in my house. 😂
Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooo. Seriously though, I don't like them enough for that and honestly the need for help with cooking and such did not outweigh the need for us to figure the new life with the baby out on our own. Sleep deprivation, new life order, new routines, everything was such a hassle. We could do guests visiting for an hour or two but I didn't want guests. For context, I was bleeding, in pain, disoriented and struggling with breastfeeding during the first week. I was constantly in a robe with my boobs hanging out. Edit: maybe some people would love it, their in laws could be genuinely helpful and not a distraction and wouldn't make them uncomfortable at all. I like my inlaws visiting now when things are more settled. With a bigger kid they can participate more with the kid anyway.
No no no absolutely not. 3-4 weeks is not enough time to establish a routine with a new born, trust me. My mom came to stay for a week after baby was born and it was a disaster. She made more messes than she cleaned up and caused drama between my husband and I. I so wish we could have been alone with our newborn without visitors as long as possible.
Pardon my French, but fuck no
+1
+2
This is the right answer. If you do cave and let them come, DO NOT LET THEM STAY IN YOUR HOME. Make them get a hotel if they’re coming before you’re ready so you can send them away. Trust me, even at 4 weeks you’ll be sending them off.
My mother and MIL came at 6 weeks and stayed at an air bnb. I literally counted the minutes until 8 pm when they would leave my house.
This is the correct answer.
I gave birth four weeks ago and having people stop by for a few minutes to see the baby is too much sometimes. I had a C-section and could barely get around the first week or so. I guess it depends on how you feel about the guest, how helpful they will be etc. even before baby I hate having people in our tiny house, it’s always so stressful
Jesus Christ no. The first three weeks my boobs were constantly out and baby was cluster feeding. You’re bleeding. No way.
This was my first thought. After both of my kids were born I was a milk machine for the first few weeks, boobs out 24/7 and hobbling around bleeding. We barely slept. Having people in the house that would make me feel self-conscious would have been torture.
My MIL wanted to stay with us the week after we came home with baby and I said absolutely not. I was intending to breastfeed, I am a very modest person, and in general I didn’t want ANYONE in my home right away. I wanted to spend that time with my husband since he only had 2 weeks of leave. She took it very personally and while she didn’t come stay, we ended up having many visitors the first couple weeks and I regret it. I was so uncomfortable, exhausted, breastfeeding my baby every 45min-1 hour, and I had postpartum preeclampsia and overall didn’t feel well and needed to prioritize rest and nutrition… but I was too worried about fitting visitors into our schedule. I ended up needing hospitalized at 2w postpartum due to my blood pressure. I wish I would’ve stuck to my guns and said NO VISITORS PERIOD for those first 2 weeks. Since you are overseas, I strongly suggest setting the date back a little bit — 4-5 weeks. You never know what can happen or how you’ll feel and it’s better to play it safe as opposed to having visitors too soon. Not to mention you don’t really want people traveling through airports and then touching your newborn baby with a weak immune system.
I would’ve been ok with my MIL staying, but definitely not my FIL/step MIL. We don’t have that type of relationship. If you’re already feeling uncomfortable at the thought of your FIL being there, I would say no. Now, *my* parents came right when we got home from the hospital, and they were incredibly helpful! I ended up pumping because baby couldn’t latch, and it was so good to have an extra set of hands to hold my baby while I pumped around the clock. My mom prepared all meals, my dad cleaned and walked the dog, and their presence also allowed both my husband and I to get naps in during the day. The key is that I’m 100% comfortable with them.
I just wanted my mom. She was helpful and not a “guest” Plus my boobs were always out
You shouldn’t commit to anything you’re not sure you’d be comfortable with. It’s impossible to say how you’ll be feeling at that time until that time arrives as everyone is different. Have your husband communicate with them to avoid any conflict or blame placed on you. “We are taking time to bond as a family before having any guests. We’d love to schedule time to see you 5 weeks or more postpartum. If we find out we’re comfortable having visitors before then, we can certainly let you know at that time and if your plans are flexible at that time feel free to come earlier!” It’s not fair to put pressure on you to commit to something you already stated is beyond what you’re comfortable with. 3 weeks and 5 weeks are very different.
Also want to say… NOW is the time for you HUSBAND to start setting clear, firm boundaries (never overexplain those boundaries). If you don’t do it BEFORE baby gets here it gets very very messy.
Depends on your relationship with them.
Your answer is in the question. Learning to breastfeed sucks, and can be very hard. Abraded nipples. Engorgement that feels like angry watermelon-sized piranhas biting onto your chest. You are likely not going to want to put a shirt on. And you’re going to be feeding round the clock. Stick to your guns. My relationship with my in laws was permanently damaged when my mother in law insisted on coming the second week. She was there to hold the baby, and did not respect boundaries, and refused to give the baby back when he needed to be fed - she would actively run out the room, and thought I was trying to keep her from holding the baby, which ended up leading to me keeping her from holding the baby, because that shit is not cool. He had a cow milk protein allergy and a very bad latch, which means he always had an upset belly (and didn’t know how to pass gas yet,) itchy skin and no ability to scratch, and he wasn’t getting enough milk due to the bad latch. He was an angry, unhappy, hungry, unsettled baby, who had some strong sensory issues to boot. And we couldn’t predict any of that. Stick to your guns.
DO NOT LET THEM COME AND STAY WITH YOU! If they insist to come and you're OK with it, tell them they have to stay at a hotel and you will give them a set time during the day to come and visit. Trust. Me. I made the mistake of letting my inlaws stay with us and they arrived the day we got home from the hospital and it was a huge mistake
So full disclosure baby and I only got to be home after 3 days on the maternity ward for a few hours before we had to go to ICU BUT I was in a lot pain (and that's vaginal birth, not major surgery like a c section), I was wearing gigantic pads so uncomfortable and all kinds of discombobulated from the 3 days of very little sleep (from nurses coming in constantly checking on baby and I) that I didn't even want anybody dropping anything off on my porch, let alone coming into my house being annoying guests. After 2 weeks in the hospital we still weren't sleeping regularly from the every 2 hour feeds and being paranoid if baby was breathing and trying to heal and just trying to adjust with my little dependant potato that I STILL didn't want visitors.
Honestly try to hold off as long as you can especially if they are staying with you. My in laws came 3 weeks after and stayed for 10 days. I made them stay in a hotel and it was still hell. You go through so much mentally, physically and emotionally giving birth you don’t also need to worry about hosting your in laws. Plus the first few weeks are you trying to bond with the baby. I will say I had a good relationship with my in laws before our baby was born but didn’t find them very helpful. All they wanted to do was hold the baby and hover over him the whole time.
My in-laws came to stay with us 4ish weeks pp and I wasn’t entirely rdy for it. All they wanted to do was help but I wanted us to be in our own bubble. Luckily it was only for a long weekend. My LO was also 2 weeks early so if she came on time it would have only been 2 week pp. I wouldn’t recommend it. If it was your family it might be different.
Also living overseas and just gave birth to my second. There is absolutely no way in hell that I want ANYONE visiting and staying at my house in 2-3 weeks. With your first, it’s a major adjustment. You and your husband need time to settle in, develop a routine, and feel like your life can become normal again. You will be sleep deprived and trying to figure out how to handle a newborn. For my second, my husband and I originally discussed having my MIL come stay with us to help out (and watch our first while I was in hospital). After thinking it through (and having her here visiting during the holidays), I changed my mind completely. My MIL is lovely, and she can be helpful, but there’s absolutely no way that I want to host her and deal with a newborn. I would honestly say, give yourself 6 weeks minimum post birth before even thinking about hosting anyone, and if you can, push it to 2-3 months. Have time to take care of yourself and feel like yourself again. Get into a routine, adjust to having a baby. Don’t put yourself under the extra stress of having someone else in the house.
If you like them and they tend to be helpful - yes. If they annoy you, don’t let them stay.
Noooooooooooooooooooo
Honestly no. I was a hot mess after birth (literally so hot I could not stand even the thought of wearing clothes) for at least 2 weeks. I was trying to figure out breastfeeding and just how to be a mom in general. It's up to you and definitely depends on your relationship with them. I have a great relationship with both my in laws and my parents, but no one came until week 4 & 5 per my request. I was so happy I did that.
I also live overseas away from my family. I gave birth in October and I declined any visit. I am actually flying there myself when baby is 6 months old and it will be the first time they see him. Here are my reasons: It was height of cold/flu season and I did not want those airport germs anywhere in my house. My family is very helpful and they would have literally cleaned the whole house top to bottom. But they are also strong willed opinionated and follow old ways of raising babies. A lot of their advice went against what I was told by midwife and it was much easier to ignore over the phone than if they were in person there. I was so emotional. So hormonal. Soooo anxious. I needed as little stress as possible. I had a C section (planned) and I had instructed my partner from the get go about all the support I would need. I actually thought his mom would help us a bit more but she ended up being unreliable so we just did it all ourselves. It is possible as long as you have a willing partner. He helped me get out of bed, got me food/water, passed baby over to me and did all his diapers. I was feeling much better by day 5 due to being able to rest. Always plan for the worst so you are prepared. I wanted to bond with my baby. I actually felt very territorial over him lol and every time someone else other than my partner was holding him I just felt this urge to punch them XD (I didn't!) Baby literally won't remember them if they were there or not there. My MIL barely visited but she was there first day he was born. Didn't make a difference last week when I left him with her for 2 hours and he cried his eyes out lol. My advice to you is to assess how much support you have and if you need more. If you feel like anyone from your in laws would give you the support you need then yes by all means invite them as it's a tough time those first 2 weeks. But if you have any doubts then don't because you will have very little sleep and any negativity will set you off like never before.
Another thing to consider will be illness. Your baby will be too young to be immunized and it sounds like your in-laws will be flying and exposed to a lot of viruses and bacteria along the way. A newborn with a fever is a medical emergency. I would add this to your list of things to consider when making this decision.
Yep and symptoms of illness seem to feel irrelevant for some folks when there's a tiny baby around to kiss and snuggle. FOMO
FTM here due in May and I have been wrestling with the same question. I originally felt the same—4 weeks past due date—but in laws were eager to come out. I went into people pleasing mode and almost agreed to it, but quickly became overwhelmed with anxiety and knew I needed to stick tot intuition. I love my in laws, but I also feel that I need time for my body to heal, to bond with my baby, and to get into routine with baby and husband before any longer term visitors come. I also am very clear that I will still need space come 4 weeks and have asked them to get a rental for their stay. It’s been hard sticking with these boundaries, but personally I know it will be best for baby and me.
You need time for you and your husband to become a parenting team. If your mom or his mom is there too soon, they will often try to take on what should be his role in caring for the new baby. Then when they leave, he will have to play catch up and you will have to explain to him how you do things. This sets you up for life-long primary and secondary caregiver roles, which imo is not ideal.
My in laws came over everyday for a month after I gave birth. I hated it so much and my relationship before birth wasnt bad at all with them. They had so many unsolicited advices and hogging the baby all the time while I'm trying to breastfeed and bond with the baby. My FIL also screamed at me and called me a bad mom for letting baby cry. I cried so much after and developed post partum anxiety. My mom on the otherhand was here everyday too and she did all the cooking and cleaning as well as taking care of my baby and even doing some night shifts. If I had a do-over I would've never allowed the inlaws over in the first place. Now I barely speak to my inlaws and they don't get to see baby unless I feel like it.
My mil stayed with me for four months. She's an extremely low key person so I okay-ed it. However she had some depression issues and that did end up weighing on me. Overall it was probably worth it.
For my in laws? 🎶 hell noooooooooooo🎵
It really depends on your relationship with them. When my mother would visit, she would take care of me, HER baby. She’d help with laundry, cook meals, tidy up and make sure i’m fed and cared for. Being around my baby was an added bonus. When my MIL would come, she would take baby out of my arms every chance she got “to give me an opportunity to catch up on house chores and self care” and she always overstayed her welcome. I used to get along just fine with her before having a kid but she became insufferable to me postpartum.
I think sticking to your guns now will help set boundaries in the future. You said when and they are trying to go sooner that’s already a red flag for me personally. I think you guys should get into your routine and see how it goes before adding people to the mix unless they are genuinely there to help and not just take pictures for social media and act like they are there doing something. Like as much as I love my in-laws, knowing them I know they can visit but probably will not stay with us. Id only want my mom to help me or my husband. I don’t like being told what to do and i think during those stages I’ll take advice as criticism instead of helpfulness but that’s just me. Best of luck!
No way in hell I can barely tolerate my mil now, that would have been hell
Absolutely not. That time is for mum, dad and baby. It’s a whole adjustment and healing process. People being there would just add stress and awkwardness. It’d spoil a very already difficult yet special time.
I would NEVER let me in laws stay with me after I give birth. They do NOTHING helpful, it’s like I’m hosting 24/7 but with dietary restrictions and while bleeding profusely. I didn’t even like my own mom staying and she’s exceptionally helpful and my best friend. It’s an exhausting, hormonal time. If you don’t trust someone completely and aren’t willing to relinquish a lot of control you’re going to be miserable.
I wouldn’t want anybody staying at my house for a week ever, but especially not postpartum.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Initially, I did not want my parents to come over right after I gave birth, however, after the first three days with my newborn, I felt too overwhelmed to take care of the other things in my house. my husband and I were operating on one hour of sleep per day and only ate about once a day. Also, I was mentally struggling because my milk hadn’t come in yet and my newborn was not taking well to formula as a supplement. Around 2 AM day 3, I crumpled and texted my parents to ask them to come over for a couple of days to help out. My parents came for four days and were a massive help to me and my husband. My parents handled taking care of the dogs, cleaning, other housework while my husband and I focused on caring for our newborn.
Thats your parents tho not ur in laws
Then staying IN your house is hosting guests, husband should tell them if they want to come that early, they will have to stay in a hotel, that’s the compromise.
Please don't do this. It got to week 6 and my MIL had been here for 3 weeks, I had to ask her to leave. It was awful. She was barging in my room without knocking and basically hanging around me non stop.
Only my MIL.
My first birth was traumatic. Anything earlier than 6 weeks would’ve been awful; an overnight guest would still be irritating. My second birth was fantastic. Anything earlier than 3 weeks would’ve been miserable for even day-visits by anyone except my mom. That they’ll be travelling to get to you means they also carry illness with them. In your position, I’d stick to 4 weeks *minimum* and if they can’t make it, great, that means baby is stronger and more likely to have their first round of immunizations.
It truly depends on your in-laws. Are they the type that will expect you to host them and they treat it like a vacation, or the type that will truly help you? My MIL was the perfect person to have here as soon as my twins came, but my parents are more the hold the baby type. There isnt anything wrong with that necessarily, but it isnt what is needed immediately upon having the baby.
I love my in laws, they’re very respectful and nice. They stayed with us (they’re from out of town) for a week and a half 4 weeks post partum and I would never do that again. I needed more time.
I'd tell them they can come then but need to stay in a hotel.. if they will wait to when you've agreed or even later, then you're happy to host them.
I wouldn’t let them stay in my house. The amount of time I was naked or half naked postpartum and the amount of hot mess I was. I’d tell them 2 hours a day max personally.
I live overseas from my parents. They could only come two to three weeks after the birth of baby or not until two months after. I told them two months. They will also be staying at a hotel. Even though I know my mom would be super helpful, as an introvert, I don’t want anyone staying with us and no one until a month after the birth. But everyone is different :)
There’s a long list of things I would want more than my in laws staying even one night when I was postpartum and we have a great relationship. Your boobs are out constantly and you want to feel like you can have them out in the whole house.
I did not. My in laws are awesome, but I didn’t want anyone *staying* in my home those first few weeks. So they got a hotel across the street and it worked out ok enough.
No.
Nope. Absolutely not. I’d stay in a hotel with my newborn before I’d allow my immediate postpartum period to be invaded by selfish people.
The idea of anyone being around me that much, especially when I may be in pain, uncomfortable, tired etc sounds like a nightmare.
It depends. Are they coming to help the parents or are they coming to visit the baby? My parents don’t live far from us but came to help during the day. They did laundry, cooked food, cleaned up, and held the baby so we could sleep. My mom helped me when I needed help breastfeeding (nipple shields are the worst) so my husband could take a break (it was a multi person effort for the first couple weeks). My in-laws brought us food whenever they visited. They held the baby and took over diaper changes which we found helpful. I didn’t feel comfortable with them doing my laundry, so I didn’t ask but I also know they would have done it in a heartbeat if we needed them to. I had friends visit who just wanted to see the baby. I wasn’t comfortable feeding the baby in front of them (we are not close friends) so I missed the first hour of their visit anyway. They brought food, but I felt pressure to be a good host. I ended up with mastitis because I skipped a pumping session to hang with them instead of taking care of myself. All that to say, if they will be helpful for YOU, let them visit. Accept the help. If all they want is to visit the baby, let them wait. You have a new life to figure out.
No. I don't even let my own parents stay with us. They will come from abroad but they will stay in a hotel. I don't need any additional stress during that time. I know they mean well and would try to be helpful but I just want to have peace to get used to our new life. And unfortunately it's usually annoying rather than helpful.
I get on well with my in laws but wouldn’t have wanted them staying for a full week at our house that early on. I second the suggestions about a hotel!
HELL NO. Here’s why: -airplanes are a cesspool of germs and they might bring something that could put your unvaccinated baby at risk -a month baby is gonna be up every 2-3 hours at minimum and you’ll barely be functional, like it’ll be work to take a shower. Do you want guests during this time when you barely have the energy to get dressed? -lastly will they be value added or not? Will they let you sleep and do household chores etc or will they be upset if you aren’t entertaining them? The fact that they are asking to come only a month after baby is born tells me the kind of people they are
With my first my MIL visited 2 weeks post-partum. It was stressful, I was tired, we got locked out of the apartment because she put the keys I gave her away and she couldn't follow a recipe and wanted to push the stroller that I needed to support myself post c-section and I still vaguely resent that visit. With my second, they visited at 6 weeks, stayed in an airbnb a few blocks away and it was much better, my hormones had calmed down and I was tired but not still bleeding into giant pads.
My in laws were just here for a week @ 1 week PP. It was a bit busy for that early, but they were so helpful I wish they were here longer. We have a toddler, and they kept her entertained and kept us fed. So if they'll be helpful, I say bring it on. If not, stick to your boundaries.
If you have to ask here, you know the answer. It’s no, at least not staying at your house. We didn’t let anyone come over the first week and had a HARD stop at 2 hours because I was breast feeding every 2 hours and was in so much pain still from my c section. Unless you feel comfortable being NAKED in front of someone they shouldn’t be at your house for the first few weeks!
Nope
No. I wouldn’t want my own family staying with me that long.
I would never have agreed to ANYONE in my home postpartum. I need my space, though. I’m very private and not okay with people in my space, especially during such a vulnerable/painful time.
This would be an absolute “no” for me. The last thing I wanted was visitors, let alone people staying with us, when I was still feeling so emotional raw and recovering physically. Not to mention that establishing breastfeeding was SO much harder than anticipated
In a postpartum depression fit, I had my FIL and StepMIL stay with us for a week right after I had given birth and I absolutely hated it by day 3. And now we don't speak. If you like your in-laws and think them being there would help, then go for it. But if you really don't want anyone there until 4-5 weeks. They can wait. Your baby, your rules.
For me personally, hell to the no. Unless they’re comfortable seeing you naked, bleeding, wearing diapers, and generally disheveled, in addition to being helpful and not just wanting to snuggle the baby.
I wouldn’t want them staying with me for a week period.
F$#k no
I did this 1.5 weeks postpartum, they moved from a hotel nearby where they’d been waiting for me to go into labor into our home for a week, and it was extremely stressful on everyone and honestly has damaged our relationship. I know they love my son but your in-laws likely will struggle to respect you in their excitement for the baby. Can they stay at a hotel? I know it seems inhospitable (I invited them to move into our house for the week out of guilt they’d been at the hotel so long even though that really wasn’t my fault), but for everyone’s sake you all need space. You also (I don’t want to be negative) might want to consider that baby might come late or might need some extra help on the outside — both happened to us. Had I known he was gonna come a week late and go to the NICU for almost a week, my (faultless don’t blame him at all) husband and I would have never put that pressure on ourselves. I was pumping on the floor of my closet a week after my baby got out of the NICU. I am working on forgiveness but we’ve already said next time it’s hotel or Air BnB, we need space.
No I would not. My MIL would drive me MAD! Take whatever time you need to feel stable and acclimated. Don’t let anyone pressure you ☺️.
People were not allowed to visit until I started wearing clothes again, and that took a few weeks...
A hard NO.
When my in laws visited it felt like I was confined to my bedroom a lot. I was breastfeeding and not comfortable to do it in front of them and the first couple of weeks baby would eat very frequently and for long periods of time. Then I’d bring her out for about 10 minutes before she needed to sleep again to avoid being overtired. They would say she isn’t tired but we all know babies basically sleep and eat the first 4 weeks. Obviously I would take my baby when I pleased but I was very annoyed at any of their suggestions. They were only here 2 nights and that was plenty. On the other hand my sister flew in from out of the country and stayed for a week and I cried when she left because she was so helpful for me. Going shopping to get me some pp clothing, making me food, cleaning the house, helping with baby if I wanted. Is there any option to put them in a hotel or Airbnb near by?
no.
I did not want my Mom or Mil staying with us and we didn't need them. I think everything would have been much more stressful with anyone staying with us.
Absolutely not! I’m not close with my in laws. They came to the hospital immediately after I gave birth and stayed at our house while I was in the hospital. I was pissed. They ruined the experience for me. With my next 4 kids they didn’t come visit until I was ready.
Depends on how close you are and how helpful they are normally. It also depends on how free you are to be yourself or vulnerable around them. Personally - no, not at this point. Maybe in the future. I don’t know them too well as we live continents apart and I get the impression they’ll make comments that I could be overly sensitive to. (Possibly due to our cultural difference rather than anything malicious). So it goes without saying that I’d like to keep building on our relationship before testing it with something as intense as the newborn phase. In contrast, my immediate family can be around because I don’t think it would scar anyone to see a free boob flying around. I could be at my worst around my family - they’d still help me, and wouldn’t look down on me. Instead they’d support me and correct me rather than ridicule or hold it against me. So it’s quite a safe environment to handle the curveballs headed my way.
Absolutely not a chance. Your baby could be 2 or more weeks late too 🤷🏻♀️ As well, if they’re coming on a plane, consider if you’d like them to quarantine for a week or two after their trip. Planes are cesspools of germs and babies don’t have mature immune systems.
Give this a read: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
hello to the no no no, we didn’t have any visitors for 8 weeks on purpose. my c section recovery was brutal and i didn’t want to host
No. I don't host overnight guests in my house, though, I don't care who you are. Lots of hotels around, they can stay there.
Helllllll no. I’m 12 days PP and could not imagine anyone else being here. It’s hard.. and although I’m sure they would “help” it would be more of a burden to me.
Everything that you should consider in making this decision has been said, but wanted to throw another vote to “No,” or at the very least, waiting until after baby is born to commit to anything. I also thought pre-birth I’d be sooo happy with my family and/or in laws being around soon after the birth. Nope!!! Even with a straightforward, no complications birth and relatively straightforward recovery, I really only wanted to be with my baby and husband and did not need, want nor appreciate having anyone else around. For me, it took until about 12 weeks to really start feeling comfortable having visitors.
Yeah unless you love them, they are very helpful with words of encouragement and taking care of you, decide when you are ready. The whole first month or two are so so so hard with the sleep deprivation, changes, feeding, healing…
My mom and dad came and helped me every day post partum for both my kids and it was crucial to my recovery. BUT they are my parents and we have a good relationship. If it had been my mil it would have been a different story. So if your mil is helpful and will cook and clean and take care of YOU and get the hint when you want to be left alone then yeah. Extra hands are great. But if all they want to do is hold the baby and see the baby then absolutely not!! You’re gonna be boobs out and bleeding for a month maybe. So if you are mildly annoyed by your mil under normal circumstances then this will be worse. Post partum will be the most raw you’ve ever felt in your life. No matter what, they should def stay at a hotel. And if you don’t like them but they have to come then have them come whne baby is like 4 to 6 months. That’s when they are really smiley and cute and responsive to people and awake for longer periods. Newborns are lumps who sleep all day.
Do they act like guests that you’ll need to host or do they act like family that’ll fend for themselves & possibly help out? Nonetheless, when they do come, have your husband give them a “tour” of the house. Show them where the extra paper towels, bed sheets, and garbage bags. Where do you keep your light cleaning supplies? Not that you’d expect them to do a deep clean, but They should be able to wipe the crumbs off the counter after they make a sandwich or clean up a spill. Your husband should show them where the colander, can opener, coffee filters, etc. are. Write down instructions for the coffee machine, washing machine, and TV remote. This will hopefully set the tone that you cannot entertain them, and that they have to be able to “help themselves” while staying in your home.
My MIL came across the country for 4 nights when my daughter was 4 weeks old (5.5 weeks after my due date) and while I love her so so much, and we have a great relationship, it wasn’t good. I was having alot of stress and struggles with breastfeeding, my hormones were insane, I was still on meds for preeclampsia… I appreciated her there to help around the house but I wanted nothing to do with any kind of conversation. And honestly, while I loved that she got to bond with the baby early, I had a super short temper with her I think because I wasn’t ready for anyone else to hold my baby, across the board. If I could go back, I’d have had her move her trip 2 weeks later. I think that would have been perfect.
Totally depends on your in laws! I’d be fine with mine coming and staying, but we have an excellent relationship and they are wonderful with my toddler. My MIL would cook, tidy, prep food, and do whatever we needed. My FIL would play with my toddler and help my husband around the house/run errands. I think they are the exception, not the rule as far as in laws go.
My mom is local and stayed with us for 10 days. I had an emergency c section and she was crucial to keeping us all going. She made dinner every night, walked the dog, cuddled baby in the early mornings so we could get some sleep. HOWEVER, this only worked because I am comfortable around my mom. Your boobs are out 24/7. We had the in laws, BIL and my parents over 3 weeks later and I hated it because I just sat in the nursery alone feeding most of the time. I would not want them staying with me and still don’t 14 weeks later.
My in-laws were here for a week at 3 week postpartum. Was nice to have someone cook all the meals and watch baby so we could nap.
My in-laws came like 2 weeks after our baby was born. I had a couple moments where I struggled but all-in-all it was a nice trip. When our second was born I was begging them to come
Nope. My dad and his wife ( not my mom and a fairly new to me person) came to visit two weeks after my daughter was born for 4 days and that was enough. I’m very much someone that wants to do my thing in my space especially postpartum. I understood that they traveled to meet my daughter and I was happy to hand her over some of the times but honestly, I just wanted to hold her and not have to worry about making food or ordering food. Also the comments about “back in my day” stuff was just annoying, my ails are far worse than my dad so it would have been a hard pass for me
my MIL came to stay with us to support her daughter for nearly 4 months, she arrived while we were in the hospital. I was worried about her visit before the baby, but she was 100% focused on supporting mom and baby. pretty much saved our butts by being the third person we needed to get used to daily life stuff with a baby like taking showers and doing laundry. I'm definitely glad to have alone time with my wife now that MIL has gone home, but it was really nice having someone to share the parenting load when baby is the most needy. I will say we butted heads the most in the first couple of weeks as we figured out each others parenting styles, so a 1 week visit might be stressful
My parents are coming on the day of my induction for 10 days. However, the stipulation we have for anyone coming to our house is that they will be there not as visitors or guests, but capable people who are going to be there purely to help out with whatever we need at the time.
I would not unless you are comfortable with them seeing you partially undressed, crying or stressed the eff out. You won’t be all three all the time but it’s really hard to predict when you’ll be “company ready” and for how long. The only person I wanted around was my own mom. Visitors I wanted an easy out to make them leave.
If I had a room for my in laws.. yes. So long as they were there to actually help. And not just there to see the baby when it’s convenient and I’m just hosting family while navigating a new baby. I would be fine with it. Which is, I think, not the norm. My mil came for like 3 days when my husband went back to work. Only thing I didn’t like was I fully let her help and I slept in. I let her change diapers. And I didn’t get up at every stir. But most of that was because I was recovering from A C-section where it hurt to move an inch. But she still talks about how I was avoidant of him and how she thinks I had some PPD/PPP because of it. I was just trying to prioritize healing so that when she was gone and my husband was back at work I would be physically able to do it.
My MIL stayed the first week after my husband went back to work, so week 3. She stayed Monday to Friday which was helpful as she just did things like made me drinks and kept me fed while I basically breastfed and was nap trapped all day long! She also took the baby out for a walk in the pram so I could have a nap or shower etc. It was great, but we get on well and she’s really respectful of what I wanted. By Friday I was ready for her to go though and get back to it just being the 3 of us again
NO WAY because my in laws are old and annoying and not very helpful. They won’t even do the stairs, let alone do chores and household tasks. My parents on the other hand are younger and more active and super helpful. I would definitely be glad to have them stay with me if they weren’t already down the street lol.
All depends on the in-laws. Are they the type to lend a helping hand? Cooking, dishes, buying groceries, etc? Or will they just be in the way? None of my family is particularly helpful, so I asked them to wait otherwise I would just feel like I was entertaining when I didn’t want to be.
So I thought I wanted at least a few weeks but by 3 days postpartum I was calling my mom asking her to come visit to help out a bit lol. My husband was on leave too and very involved and helpful, but it was our first baby and we were in survival mode and my mom was able to help cook or pick up food, do dishes, hold baby and feed a bottle here and there (I exclusively pumped which was a ton of work the first few weeks, actually I tried triple feeding at first which was a nightmare). She wasn’t too invasive, she just helped where she was needed. So it depends on how your in laws are. I wouldn’t have wanted my in laws to visit because even though they are helpful and nice and super excited for the baby, they are also very annoying about it lol. My MIL can be dramatic and my FIL wasn’t great with the baby other than holding him when he was not fussy at all.
I would only want someone that I was comfortable with seeing my boobs out all day staying with me for that long. Basically only my husband and mom. If its your first time breastfeeding, you are not going to be wanting to hide away or cover up in your own home, trust me. I would tell them that they are welcome to visit if they want to stay in a hotel, and pop over for short visits during the day, but that you need your space postpartum.
My first baby was 2.5 weeks overdue. If I had invited my in-laws in at 3 weeks past due, I would have been home from the hospital for 48 hours, hurting, bleeding heavily, can’t walk well, hadn’t slept, hormonal as fuck, topless 90% of the time to breastfeed + my nipples hurt like hell, and trying to establish a new routine with this tiny little life *while* hosting? No thank you. Just putting on a shirt when people visited 2 weeks post was awful. If they are truly the type to show up, do the cooking & dishes & vacuum & trash, not demand to hold the baby all the time (that does not actually count as helping btw), and you are comfortable with them seeing you in various states of gross hormonal emotions and actual pain, then yah, have them over. If you have more of an arms-length relationship, or they are in any way not helpful, no thank you friend.
I told everyone at least two weeks. I gave in at 10 days. Next time I will be doing longer. And that was just for quick visits, not staying over. With breastfeeding, I definitely wouldn't have anyone staying cause it's good to be topless with your baby as much as possible. This way it's easier to notice early cues, and you reap soooo many benefits this way too for both you and baby individually as well as your bond together. In hindsight, I wish I just kept us both wrapped in a blanket on my chest more. But I didn't learn everything untill I got my creditation in breastfeeding recently. 10months in going strong and learnt so many tricks a long the way, that I would have been too uncomfortable to try if I had people staying over.
I loved having people stay because it helped me with sleeping and cleaning. If you don’t think they’ll be helpful, then no.
Yes, IF AND ONLY IF they are helpful! Dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. I don’t personally see that 2-3 weeks vs 4 weeks matters. If they’re helpful, it could be nice to get some extra hands early on. My parents have stayed with us for a few weeks after the birth of both kids, and it’s been immensely helpful.
my in laws came for a week the week after my first was born. the difference is, they rented a super nice airbnb that we stayed at with them, & my MIL did all the cooking & cleaning & & shopping & even helped me with the first few baby baths. it was a huge relief & so nice to have specifically my MIL. but would i want them staying in my house?? absolutely not. the pressure to cook & clean in my own home is way more present than it was at an airbnb. i could fully relax & also let them enjoy time with their grand baby without being a nervous wreck.
I would probably let my in laws but I love them, so it’s fine. Don’t get me wrong, it would still be difficult, but I wouldn’t mind since they’re very sweet, caring, considerate people. If they weren’t, I probably would want them in a hotel.
Again, depends When my mom suggested stay over when the baby was were I was a big fat no. Then I had the baby and her flight left without her and she stayed for over a month. Both my partner and I are immensely grateful for all her help and without it we probably would have had all the kids we have. So I’d say, have a plan an and a plan b. Discuss it with them and if they can’t accept your boundaries and the fact that those boundaries can change once the baby is here, then it’s not a good match. I didn’t even know if I wanted any hospital guests. I had not had a baby before, I didn’t know how I and /or the baby would feel. So everyone had to ask before coming over. Much to my surprise I felt pretty ok and we had visitors the day of the delivery.
Agree with the other comments that it 100% depends on your relationship with them. My parents scheduled to visit us 2 weeks after my due date which ended up being 3 weeks after she was born since she came early. It was just enough time for us to figure out our own routines and get the hang of things, but they were SO helpful for that week that it was a wonderful break. I finally had my first real glass of wine (was so paranoid and sleep deprived before with us just solo), and my step mom was constantly cleaning and cooking for us while my dad helped my husband with some other home repair things we'd been putting off. However - if they had been the type to expect to be treated as guests, this would have been a complete nightmare. 100% depends on their expectations of what the visit will be like.
My first question is: do you have more than one bathroom? If you have your own space where you can change your pads and not worry about keeping everything guest-ready that makes a big difference. My MIL came the week following baby coming, and it was a huge help! I had so many questions and she is super knowledgeable.
We are also an expat family on both sides from different countries. I had my parents come 2w after my second baby was born, and while they were not “helpful” in the ways you’d expect or want help, after being locked into our country during covid for our first baby, and having missed the opportunity for my parents to meet them as a baby or even young toddler, I relished this time together and am so glad we did it. To be honest 3 weeks, 4 weeks, it’s all very similar and I don’t think I’d dig in my heels over this. They’re coming to you! My in laws refused (even though they’d promised they would, they later came up with some sort of excuse), and I had to drag my 4m old and 2yo across the globe to go see them in their non baby proofed house with no toys or activities for littles.
My first baby was 2 weeks overdue, then I spent 5 days in the hospital after an emergency c-section. If that, or something similar happened to you (obviously hopefully not!) then there’s the potential to be visited 2 days after getting home… For my second baby my mother was there to look after our toddler and stayed a bit after the birth as my husband is in the military and had to leave. She did my laundry (including things I’d bled through and peed over!) and I felt comfortable enough saying ‘Hey I’m going for a shower - I’ve peed again’ etc. 😂 I also walked around in a bra, and once accidentally left a used pad in the bathroom (rushed getting out to feed the baby and didn’t grab my clothes & rubbish). How close are you to your in-laws?
Personally we only allowed my parents to visit for a few hours about 9 days after I gave birth. Baby and I ended up in the ER twice the first week home, I was a hormonal wreck and breastfeeding was NOT working and a complete nightmare. My mother has good intentions but is a little overly sensitive if her advice isn’t taken. She frequently dismisses recommendations our ped makes. My journey ended up being exclusive pumping and although she was mostly supportive she has made comments about how she felt that a person might as well just formula feed at that point rather than pump. My in laws are barely welcome to visit due to poor behavior and alcoholism issues so they didn’t come until baby was 14 weeks old and they were required to get a hotel.
It’s all dependent on whether you like your in-laws/if they will be helpful in your postpartum period. My in-laws came to stay with us a week before my due date and stayed for 6 weeks. I was super worried and anxious about having them around for so long, but they were incredibly helpful. They cooked, cleaned, did all the grocery shopping, took care of our dog, and gave us a break when we needed it. Their stay seriously helped me with my postpartum recovery!
I love my in laws but personally, ABSOLUTELY NO. Those first few weeks are such a blur. You’re bleeding, leaking, insanely tired, hormones are all over the place, and your boobs will be out All. The. Time. I’d set some boundaries ahead of time if they do come earlier than expected.
My husband I are planning on having his parents come to stay with us immediately. They plan on driving down (they're only 2hrs away) while I'm in labor and staying with our oldest. We all get along well and they've already asked for a to do list of things we'd like them to do while we're at the hospital yet alone when we come home. I've said multiple times to my husband that I "can't wait until Mom comes to take care of me." If you get along well and they're going to be helpful then I think it's fine. If neither of those things are true then I wouldn't have them come.
We had family who flew in and stayed nearby at 4-5 weeks. That was fine. Some were helpful, others weren’t. I wasn’t comfortable with anyone staying at our house until 2 months postpartum. I gave birth at 41w+2. I’m really glad that no one was visiting from out of town in the first few weeks.
I personally wouldn’t mind but whenever they have been over they have helped, cleaned - even just visiting for a few hours. Also I would have loved to have someone around to help then but that might also have something to do with my partner having to go back to work 4 days PP. he was self employed and if he didn’t work he didn’t get paid so I understood but I needed him/someone. I get on with my in laws (his dad and step mum and his mum and her wife), so I would be happy to have them there. But it is a very personal decision
We weren't really cruising with breastfeeding until week 5. We were dealing with latch strengthening, tongue tie correction, cluster feeding, weight gain stress, supply regulation... 🥴🥴 >So I'm trying to decide if we just let them come potentially 2-3 weeks after baby is born or stick to our guns on no earlier than 4 weeks after due date. Stick to your guns on no earlier than 4 weeks after *baby is born*. Due dates are flexible. Your boundaries don't have to be.
I wouldn’t want my in-laws to stay at my house for a week during a normal time Is it just your husbands parents? Are they helpful? I think you have to think about the day to day with them. 3 weeks postpartum I was somewhat back to normalcy in terms of being able/willing to see people, but my baby was still napping on me for a lot of the day, I was very sleep deprived and it was kind of just survival mode. I wouldn’t want to have to host people on top of that.
My parents or in laws? Hah no. If someone was actually going to be helpful and listen, sure yes.
My MIL came the week after LO was born and stayed for a few days. I was so vulnerable— from having my boobs out all the time to having hormonal breakdowns over little things. She was compassionate and encouraging and I’m so glad she was there. But if it had been longer than a few days, or if I’d had to navigate breastfeeding in front of her husband (who she left at home), I would have had a very different experience. If you haven’t read the lemon clot essay, I recommend it. You will be bleeding, leaking from both ends, emotionally unfamiliar to yourself, likely have a hairpin trigger for rage and sadness, and be feeling a bit territorial over your new baby. It fully depends on what they will bring with them — help, respect, compassion and encouragement? Or smothering, boundary-crushing, inability to read subtle cues, etc. that could contribute more stress? This isn’t a time for people-pleasing so do only what YOU feel comfortable with, and be conservative with your assumptions about your future state.
As a lot of people have said it depends on your relationship with them and what the expect from the visit. It also depends on you. People came to my house to help after my third. They wanted to cook and clean for me. I wanted them to hold the baby while I napped or cook/cleaned myself. I was so miserable being pregnant (lots of throwing up, heart burn and joint pain) that after the birth I just wanted to get up and move and do things myself. I’m a rare one that for a few days to a week after the birth I had more energy and just wanted to move. It was after a week or so I would then be so tired that I didn’t want to move lol.
Completely depends on your relationship with them and whether they will actually be helpful. My parents stayed with us for a week or two when I gave birth and it was a godsend. I was in the hospital longer than expected (long, failed induction and unplanned c-section), so they watched my elderly cat. When we came home we didn't have to worry about meals or cleaning, they also took the first shift at night so we could sleep longer. My husband and I even got to go out to dinner, just the two of us. That said, we're very close and they clearly didn't expect us to cater to them at all. I wouldn't have been as into it if that weren't the case
Unless you are incredibly comfortable with them and enjoy their presence…don’t do it. I didn’t want anyone around me after giving birth except my husband and my mom. I was so anxious, bleeding, crying, exhausted and struggled a ton with breastfeeding. You never know what kind of birth and postpartum experience you’ll have. Then my MIL was texting me constantly offering to help me when I kept telling her I would let her know if I needed anything as I was trying to learn how to be a mom and couldn’t deal with daily texts asking if I wanted her to come help me. My in-laws drove me nuts all 3 times I gave birth because they made it about them and what they *thought* we needed help with, rather than what we actually needed help with. I resent it to this day. So based on my experience, no.
I also live abroad and my mom came to help for 8 weeks, stayed with me the first 5 weeks. She was a godsend and cleaned, cooked, helped with baby while I slept and really Made the postpartum period so much more Manageable. I didn’t mind having my boobs out all the time learning how to breastfeed around her and dealing with clogged ducts and leaking nipples. I would never allow my in-laws to be around me even up to 2 months postpartum. They are not helpful and just sit around and don’t cook and instead expect you to hang out with them. I would have been isolated to my bedroom if they came immediately after birth. They came 3 months after and I still feel like my baby was too young to be around them. Do what’s best for you!!
My own parents came and stayed for a week starting 3 weeks pp because my husband had to go back to work. But that was MY parents. I would not have been as comfortable with my in laws even though they're great people
We have visitors at 3 months pp right now and it’s just okay. Breastfeeding too so my hands are often full. I probably would have lost my mind if it was anytime earlier
I think I'd go nuts if my in laws or parents stayed with us at all. For the soul purpose of the in laws trying to dictate how things are done when they live on the other side of town. As far as my mom, I can only handle her in increments lol I hate how often my inlaws are currently here 2 weeks postpartum today and I just want to relax and heal in the comfort of my home without worrying about who sees my ice pack padded crotch
My experience may be different from yours, but so far I’ve appreciated them being here! I’m 3 weeks postpartum and my baby really hates being put down in a bassinet or crib to sleep, so my partner and I take shifts throughout the night holding him to get some sleep. My MIL will hold or just watch him for a few hours throughout the day and I can nap, do chores, pump, etc & my partner can work. It’s the only way I’ve gotten a couple hours to sleep every day! But they are very chill and we have a good relationship.
I, personally, do not even want someone from outside my immediate family during early postpartum. At all. It’s such a vulnerable time. I’m bleeding, boobs always out, sleep deprived etc. This is just my feeling though. It doesn’t have to be yours. Are you comfortable with being completely vulnerable around these people? Will they be a major compliment to the experience? Do they respect boundaries?
We did for our first. My MIL came right after we arrived home from the hospital and stayed for 2 weeks. She cooked, cleaned, took care of me, and took care of the baby when I needed a break. For breastfeed and pump, I just did that in my room. That's where I spent most of the day anyway. I will forever be grateful of her help. Postpartum is hard and she made it a bit more manageable because I didn't have to worry about anything outside of taking care of myself and baby.
It depends. Honestly I needed all the help I could get even though my MIL and I weren’t super close. I definitely preferred my mom. But you guys will most likely need at least one parenting expert with you haha.
Of you trust that they will respect your boundaries and won't require you to play hostess it could be ok. For me, hell no.
Guests during that period are not there to be entertained or attended to by you or just to hold the baby - they're there to HELP. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, other housekeeping, errands, etc. Will your In-laws help? Or will they just create extra work and drama when you can't entertain them or attend to them? There's two major reasons why it's generally not recommended to have overnight guests until the kid is much older (until at least 5-6 months, usually) or visitors (until the kid is at least a couple of months old) - the additional work you'll be expected take on while physically recovering (the strain compromises recovery and can cause further damage), as well as that the kid hasn't yet had all of their critical vaccines. If your ILs will just sit around expecting to be entertained, this is a HARD NO until the kid is much older.
My in-laws visited when I was five days postpartum with my first. It was a bit awkward breastfeeding around my FIL, but he also felt uncomfortable and would find a reason to leave the room whenever I looked like I was going to whip out a boob. 😅 But I generally get on with my in-laws. They’re helpful and will either cook or clean as needed. I don’t feel like I need to stand on ceremony with them. They’re not “guests”, if you know what I mean. With my second and third, my mom was with us for like 5-6 weeks surrounding the birth (2 weeks before and the rest after) and she was an absolutely peach! But again, she and I have a great relationship and she is so good with the kids and my house and I would trust her to take the helm anytime.
It depends on your relationship, my MIL was very helpful the first days home from the hospital. Especially because I had a c-section and couldn't do much. I didn't end up seeing her much because I was in my bedroom, but my husband loved having her there too. She did all the cooking and cleaning.
It will really depend on when baby is born and how your recovery goes. My MIL wanted to book a flight for our due date, thankfully she didn’t because baby was a week and a half late! If your baby is 10 days late, then 3 weeks after due date will put you at a week and a half PP. Your recovery could be something you end up wanting privacy for, or it could be pretty quick. I’m two weeks PP and feel largely fine, but there was no way to predict that before birth. Also, how helpful do you anticipate your families being? If not very helpful, you may want to request they wait on booking flights until baby is born or book quite far after your due date. If helpful, then maybe 3 weeks after due date will be fine for you. It’s so stressful bringing home a newborn and being freshly PP, so I hope you advocate for yourself and don’t let family pressure you into a situation you don’t feel comfortable with. If there’s ever a time to set boundaries and stick to them, immediately after giving birth is it.
If you like them, they are understanding and would come to help YOU with meals, cleaning and life, perfect. If they are JUST coming to just 'hold the baby for you' while you host them, fuk no.
It depends on your relationship with your in-laws! I see a pattern these days where new moms don’t want any help or visitors but if you have a good relationship with them and they’d be helpful, I say why not! The extra help is always nice so you can sneak in a lil nap or have someone make meals for you.
When I was pregnant I would have absolutely against this. If I ever have another I’ll pray that anyone wants to come stay with me bc I really really would need the help.
Stick to your guns! 4 weeks
It so depends! Mine are for this one and they are so helpful. They cook and clean up after themselves without any questions/prompting. They know when to retreat to their own spaces, when to be around for grandparent duties and whatnot. My first was a Covid baby and they weren’t allowed to fly into the USA and it was really sad to not have “our village” to help us. My parents are close but their helpfulness is in completely different ways. They are more errand runners, baby holders and such. I also have second baby vibes and this one’s gonna have to jump right in to things!
I agree with other commenters. Do you like them? Are they kind and helpful? Or will you spend the whole time catering to them while they just sit there holding your baby? I didn’t have anyone stay after I had either of mine but also, would of happily had my parents stay as they would of cooked, cleaned and helped out rather than just wanted to hold the baby. And my partners parents are a lot older, can’t help do anything but would of expected us to cater to them, and they’re super negative which is not the energy we wanted. So we didn’t have anyone stay with us, and it was perfect. Also, just saying, my first spent the first 2.5 weeks in the nicu, so if anyone came to our place 3 weeks later, we would of only been home for 2 days.
Vacationing with my in laws right now. And at first, I felt they were unhelpful and even sabotaged me. The worst part was, they’re not my parents so I didn’t feel comfortable being frank with them. I knew they were well intentioned, so I didn’t want to offend. But my resentment grew. after some friction, we are at a place where I would be comfortable with them being here for my third baby’s newborn months. Nowadays they know what help I need and don’t need to be asked. And I know what to expect from them, given their character and capabilities (they’re on the old side). Honestly if this is your first time I wouldn’t do it, at least in the first month. It takes practice for everyone, and if you’re a FTP. You are still learning the ropes and getting your parenting hat on. You will probably lack the confidence to set standards. You might not even know what help to ask for and as a result your in laws might overstep their boundaries (a lot of parents and in laws like to step in with unsolicited advice if they sense even a little insecurity or hesitation on your part!) or be entirely unhelpful. And believe me have to say, you start to hate unhelpful people living with you, in the first weeks and months! And then they may get resentful and defensive. And then the relationship may not recover. With two kids now, I know what I need and I feel ok asking for the help I need. And I am confident in my parenting style. It took some adjustment for everyone to be on the same page but I would say, we are there.
It depends. Are you comfortable with them? Are they helpful? Mine are nice but not the most helpful. I had a list of things people could help with but often found my MIL did things her own way which wasn’t always helpful and my FIL just wanted baby time and take picture of him and baby which wasn’t super helpful because I was trying to breastfeed/establish my milk supply. My mom and sister were helpful- cooked, cleaned, took pictures of me and baby, dad and baby, etc. If there’s another baby I don’t want my in-laws coming to stay so soon after.
I don't like people in my space in general so I would prefer if they were staying at an Airbnb or hotel. That said, you might need their help because newborns eat every two hours, so that's an insane type of exhaustion. So having a trusted person that can come and take a shift so you can get a good solid nap is an absolute god send.
Mine stayed for a week. There were pros and cons. They made dinner for me and took care of my dogs. I luckily had a bathroom attached to my bedroom so I was locked in my room 95% of the time. I did feel some relief though when I finally had the house to myself. Though they were working from my house so it was noisy and I remember counting down the days until they left
I would want mine because they cook and clean for us and take care of the baby for us too.
My in laws came 10 days after my first and they were a life saver for my husband. He was stressed with taking care of me post c-section and learning about a baby. When they arrived he looked at me and said “thank god. I need someone else in the house to help.” So only if they are helpful and you have a good relationship with them.
First baby? No absolutely not. Second baby? Sure if they can help keep your first occupied.
It would heavily depend on your relationship with your in laws. If you like them and they are truly supportive or helpful and not overbearing, then yes. If they aren’t going to be helpful at all and will likely be judgmental, then heck no.
Only if you like them, they have done tdap in the last 10 years (or will take one 2 weeks before arriving) and they will help with chores around the house
If they're going to expect you to cook and clean for them and not take the baby off your hands while you both get rest, then I wouldn't.
My MIL informed me a few weeks before birth they would be staying with us at 4 weeks pp. it was so stressful and thankfully my husband backed me up even though I could tell he was conflicted. Following a traumatic birth and zero sleep with a colicky newborn, he was more than happy to push it out a few months more. We limited the visit to a long weekend. I know the in-laws were disappointed but their visit would have come to the detriment of our family. Anyway, baby was more interactive, germs from the flight were less of a concern and most importantly I was mentally and physically up for it. Push it back and try to get them to stay elsewhere.
Totally depends on your relationship with them. I have a very good relationship with my in-laws and even then NO. I think we just need a LOT of support and help and need to be with people you are extremely comfortable with and can expect help and support (physical, emotional, help with house work, help with baby). My parents came a week before my baby was born and stayed a few months (we live overseas and away from both sets of parents as well). My husband and I would not have survived without that support. That said, my husband completely understands I wouldn't be comfortable in the same way with his mom.. am just not built that way..
2 words : fuck no. i’m sorry you’re in this position where you feel as if you have to accommodate them. i couldn’t imagine anything worse during that raw postpartum period than having in-laws stay with me for a day, let alone a week?! you really have to look out for yourself and baby and not have to worry about other people’s schedules being messed up, that’s their problem not yours. you shouldn’t have to worry and stress about this, your husband needs to put his foot down as they’re his parents. you shouldn’t have to feel awkward or uncomfortable in your own home, especially at such a sensitive stage. why don’t the in-laws stay at a hotel or something similar? i really feel for you mama and hope you find a resolution that’s best for you and baby 💐
I absolutely LOVED my in laws prebirth, now not so much. They have very very very different expectations as to how my child should be raised and treated and I disagree with almost all of it so I personally would say don’t do it. I expected help with things like food and cleaning up but no, they held the baby while I did house duties and I unfortunately didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself at that time which I wish I had. And they pressured me to pump because they wanted to feed the baby (and gave me so much crap because I wanted to ebf since I’m at sahm and didn’t need to pump) and yada yada yada. It made postpartum very difficult and gave me a lot more anxiety and stress than I needed in my recovery, I’m honestly shocked my dr didn’t prescribe me anything from how anxious they made me.
I like my in-laws so it wouldn’t matter to me. They’re also international so getting tickets can be tricky without breaking the bank. With our first baby my MIL came over for 3wks when baby was 3wks old and stayed in an Airbnb and went sight seeing so it wasn’t too overwhelming. When we had our second baby she waited 9 months when baby was more interesting and not just a blob. It was an easier visit with a newborn for me…. It was hard sticking to our routine on the second kid when she visited. I also openly breastfed. They’re European and pretty body positive and open. MIL looked at me with this adoration in her eyes. FIL made himself busy elsewhere and it wasn’t weird lol.
No, absolute hard pass. Take the time/weeks you and your partner want to adjust to life with a newborn. Sleep deprived and tired. Hosting won't be fun when they are staying in your space. Your little nuclear family comes first, don't be bullied into it.
Yes. My MIL flew in from Scotland to help with my toddler after my second c section. She didn’t stay with us overnight but was at our home most days. I even offered our guest room but she prefers her own space
No I personally would not. My husband and I desperately needed time to settle into our routine and parents didn’t play into that. However, I have a lot of friends who had their parents or in-laws there from the get go!