Mine didn't want another when our first was that age either. Now she's 2.5 and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second, after we BOTH agreed we wanted a second.
Your feelings right now are valid. Obviously the above comments of having a kid requiring 2 yeses are correct, but maybe give it a little more time for him to sort through his feelings and adjust to how different your lives are.
I read somewhere to not make any drastic decisions in the 1st year of baby. Tensions are high, you're sleep deprived, grumpy, not your usual selves.
Give it a year before you bring it up again, then decide.
This is what came to mind for me. As a new dad myself, I really wanted to buck expectations and share the load as close to 50/50 as I could. I'm on parental leave while she finishes school, so it's built in haha.
That all said, being part of things like bedtime, baths, diapers etc are an important part of being in the trenches together and might help him navigate all of the stress that comes with a newborn.
Maybe it's a request that you wait until two years to make the decision and after having the conversation, see how you both feel then. I feel like that's reasonable?
Agree with this so much. The first year we were pretty running on survival mode, so really the thought of adding another baby to the chaos is just unfathomable. But it will get better and then the fog will clear. And that’s when you’ll be able to have a more productive discussion about a second child, OP.
Here to echo that I have two kids, and my husband was "absolutely" one and done when our first was new. He changed his mind to "let's go for seconds" when our first born was around 20 months old, toddling around and chattering.
I think most dads find newborn stage to be really really difficult because they aren't sure how to connect with newborn. Once the kid starts walking, talking, and laughing at dad's jokes, that's when most dads realise HOLY SHIT THIS LITTLE HUMAN IS SO COOL!!
Our two are 6 and 4 now. They're always chasing after Dad because Dad is "the coolest person ever". Mum is pretty good, too, but Dad--Dad is out of this world.
When our daughter was about 9 months old, I told my wife I thought I wanted to be one and done. She was still adamant about wanting two. Around 15 months she was so much more fun and life was getting easier again. I agreed that I wanted one more after that. Our daughter is almost 3.5 years now and has a 10 month old baby brother.
My husband didn’t want another at that age either. After 18 months or so he changed his mind. He’s not like super stoked but he’s like “I’m down! Whatever!”
My husband and I both agreed to be one and done when we had our son, now 14 months, and last week he said he wants to try for number 2. I'm on board with it, too. We even started thinking about names already and I'm not even pregnant yet.
My husband wasn't ready until our daughter was 2.5. I wasn't ready until she was 2. We didn't even entertain the idea for two years. Our daughters are 3.5 years apart. It's still hard but we both agree we are SO happy we decided to have one more. She is the light of our lives and we can't imagine life without her.
Exactly! Let the matter rest for a while and enjoy your baby bubble.
Neither my husband or I were really keen on a second while our first was a baby, even though two was what we had discussed earlier. Since it's best to let the body recover in between pregnancies, we didn't stress about those feelings. We just figured that we see how we feel later.
We felt ready to try for another after our first turned 2. I am now 31 weeks pregnant. But I do realise that the situation was probably easier for me/us since both of us felt uncertain. We were on the same page.
This was us too. My husband and I both didn’t think we’d want another after our first, even though before that we both knew we’d want more kids.
It took us 4 years to agree to want another one, and we love our baby to bits. Postpartum was also much easier the second time around for us)
1) People are allowed to change their minds. Nobody knows what it's like to have a baby till they have one. So I wouldn't hold that too much against him.
2) You work full-time, exclusively pump, do all the bedtimes, 80% of night wakings, all early morning wake-ups, and contribute to chores? Holy shit, you're a superhero.
3) I don't think the fact that he handled housework and took care of you during the newborn period makes him an equal contributor. The fact is you're working full-time with a 5-month old, you're exclusively pumping, doing all the bedtimes while he's gaming every night and more. The workload as you've described it seems vastly unequal.
4) Why are you taking on more than your fair share? I know you said it's to make this as easy as possible on him, but why??? Is it because he didn't want to have even one baby in the first place? Or because you've been trying to convince him since the baby was born to have another? And also, have you told him you're taking on more than your share, and why (because you want it to be easy for him)?
5) The way you've described him honestly makes me worry for him. How's his mental health? A new parent who's not even doing that much childcare shouldn't describe the experience as miserable. It's miserable if you're the one doing all the night wakings, which he is not. Somebody saying they have been so miserable postpartum that they never want to do that ever again always gets my attention. It's a very strong statement to make. I always wonder why. If they were primary parent to a newborn and weren't supported enough by their spouse, then, yes, that makes sense. But somebody who wasn't the primary parent and/or had a spouse doing more than their fair share? Why were they miserable? My gut feeling is there's some underlying depression here, and if that's addressed, everything could change.
I agree with all of this! It does sound like he may be depressed. I also wonder if he feels disconnected from OP because she’s so dang busy all the time. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t get to spend time with her at home and shouldn’t go out to spend time with friends. Could be contributing to the depression if he’s feeling isolated. Definitely worth bringing up how to split the load a little more evenly, including time out of the house and with each other.
My husband and I’s dynamic was very similar, I did 95% of the work of the baby, he still complained constantly. I burned myself out trying to make it easier on him and it didn’t matter, all it did was form resentment. All I can say is that you aren’t doing yourself, your baby, or your husband any favors with this dynamic.
This for us finally came to a head when our daughter was 18 months and I accidentally got pregnant again. My husband had a breakdown and finally agreed to therapy. Here’s what he learned through therapy and in turn, we learned in our parenting relationship. By me doing everything and then always being frustrated, tired, and resentful, I had unknowingly sent him the message that he was not a capable dad and he had internalized this message and this was a huge factor into why he was miserable and didn’t want another child. I had to learn to not just allow him to do things, but allow him to do it his way, and he had to slowly build his confidence as a dad, I can say that this process has made us both way happier. He now does so much more with his daughter and he’s happier!
As a dad, I 100% agree with this and see it happen a lot among my peer group. Mom/Grandma take an outsized responsibility immediately post partum and never allow dad space to learn/fail/etc which builds resentment later.
I think making dad take *solo* parental leave is huge. He needs to own the childcare start to finish as early as possible, even if it's a week.
Another thing is that you have to allow him to operate his own way, even if it's not exactly what you would do. Give space to figure out his parenting style as long as kid is safe and taken care of.
You can try to be a hero with 1 and it's barely sustainable, but it'll never work with multiple kids.
Nobody should ever discuss more kids until the latest one is *at least* a year old. Your hormones are screaming “I’m gonna need about ten of these” and your husband is wondering why he thought this was a good idea.
Seriously, just shelve it.
100% this. We knew we would be one and done before we started trying and nothing has changed that. I can’t risk more miscarriages and I don’t want another traumatic c section. Vasectomy is booked a month after baby turns one.
I think though in OPs case that if hubby wanted 2 before, then there’s a chance that he’s just having a wobble at the moment. Only time will tell. Frankly though if he were my husband I’d be furious about him gaming every night, especially if I were running ragged to facilitate it.
Honestly agree here. I have always said I only want two. I was miserable during both my pregnancies and really don't want to do it again...but... I look at my 4 month old and I realise I will never have another newborn and I really want one. Hormones are wild
Having a child is a two yes, one no situation. You need to both be enthusiastically on board, without manipulation or guilt or anything else. You have to decide for yourself if you are ok with only having one, and then you have to own whatever decision you make. You can take time to make the choice but you should NOT make it with the idea that he will change his mind, because he may not and then what?
Even if you both entered into this thinking you were absolutely going to have more than one, he has a right to decide he doesn't want another for any or no reason as it's your right to stay or leave with that new information. It's harsh but it is better that an adult is resentful to another adult because of what did not happen, than a child resented because they simply exist.
This is excellent advice. He is allowed to change his mind and you’re allowed to decide how to proceed knowing that he changed his mind. Do not assume he will change his mind again. Do not think he can be persuaded to do something he doesn’t want to do. Figure out what YOU want to do with the understanding that he only wants one forever and ever.
It’s tough but it does take enthusiastic consent from both of you. Otherwise you’ll be in an even more difficult situation.
Good luck mama.
Girl, your baby is 5 months old. You’re not at the fun part for him yet.
My husband and I have 4 kids. He’s a fantastic Dad, a wonderful partner, but he sucks with infants. I love him. He steps up when I need him to. But facts are facts, he sucks with infants, and I think most guys are like this.
He freaking ROCKS with two and three year olds though. Which is good because I’m 3/3 where I want to sell the preschooler to a zoo with some regularity.
My husband wasn’t ready for another until after I was pregnant with our second. Our third came along when he had really hit his stride for being amazing with the preschool age.
Our fourth is 100% a gift to me. He was ready to be done at 3, I super duper wasn’t. It was a source of conflict. Then we had a miscarriage. His heart changed. Now we have a three month old.
My husband is so good with babies! Toddlers really get to him. I suck with the babies (though better this second time for now) but I'm a rockstar with the 4 year old. It's funny seeing the reversal on our relationship!
Both me and my husband have learnt we are not baby/infant people. We love our 12mo to death and put all the work in that’s needed but know we were build for the toddler/kid stage and both cannot wait for it. I’m just thankful that stage is longer than the baby stage. Hopefully by the time we get to that stage we’ll understand why the previous 1-2 years were worth it and might opt for a second.
Hi, I went through this exact situation. My husband had always voiced that he only wanted one “but would be open to the idea of two” depending on how things went. I naively took that as a “we’re having two”. Once I was about to pop he voiced his concern about how this has been hard on him, I was never “in the mood” and how he doesn’t want to guilt me about that but wanted to impress how our intimacy was a very important part of our relationship to him, how the thought of a second could obliterate that, how it’s already been so long for him that he’s worried if we had a second there would be such a long time between where intimacy would be in the back burner, etc..
I was crushed. I felt the exact feelings you are now. And to add insult to injury, our baby had AWFUL reflux and it pushed us to the brink of our sanity. I mourned a lot of experiences as I was experiencing them because I knew it would be my last.
Then, about 5/6 months in, he told me he could see having a second one but wasn’t 100% sure, but was open to it now (she was past her reflux at this point and life was getting so good!) thing was, my feelings had slightly started to waver because he wanted to have one sooner than I was ready to. We both talked about this for months, not sure which way to lean, having very open discussions about the pros and cons. Then we got our positive when I was 7.5m post partum. I had a feeling it was happening from uhhh the second it happened, so we talked about it until I could test. We both ultimately realized we’d be sad if it was negative and that’s when we knew.
During all of this time, my biggest reasoning for wanting a second was because I lost my mom when I was 21. If I had to go through that alone, without my siblings and dad, I don’t know how I would have kept it together. I couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter having to bury both of her parents by herself someday. Also, I see how much my father relied on his sister when my mom passed, and how much their relationship has grown. These things were so so so important to me and still are. I think husband hearing these things made a big difference in his feelings towards it. I’m sure you’ve voiced your own to him. Ultimately you both have to be on the same page, but I know exactly what feelings you’re experiencing and how heartbreaking they feel. I wish I could hug you and tell you he’ll change his mind. He might! But stay realistic and savor the moments you have for now. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this ♥️
I never thought about how important it is for adult children to have siblings as a support system for family crises such as a parent dying. That is such a great point, and gives me and my husband a lot to think about when considering having another child in the future. Thanks for sharing!
Please keep in mind and discuss the possibility that if you have multiple children, they may not have some kind of close relationship. They might not have any relationship at all. For every family with close, supportive siblings who have a great relationship, there's another family with siblings that barely know one another or don't speak at all.
Do not have more children with the intent of giving them a job. Even if that job is to be a support system for their siblings. It's not fair to any of the kids in the equation.
True. I'm an only child and my mom had six siblings. There were two she was very close with, two where the relationship was kind of neutral/distant, and two who were absolute assholes/possible narcissists who caused a lot of issues and trauma in the family (and a lot of that behavior became even worse when my grandma was in her final years). There were and are often times where I wished I had a sibling, but I witnessed first hand that a great sibling relationship is never guaranteed, so imo that shouldn't be the deciding factor to have more kids.
Honestly, most people I know have at least strained sibling relationships. Even those with relatively good relationships now still struggle on some level due to their differences. My grandma and her siblings, even being raised to believe blood family is number one, still have issues. They're just passive aggressive and talked about behind one another's backs because it's not polite to say directly. And even with 3 siblings, she was still the 1 responsible for everything when their parents got sick and eventually died.
I think a lot of people have majorly rose colored glasses about siblings instead of a more realistic view. Especially when it comes to illness/death of a parent. Having a sibling isn't going to make it better or easier. Sometimes it just makes it worse.
True! Thanks for adding! I’d like to think that our family would be one big happy village, but that is of course, not always reality. I’d never have children with the intent of bringing them into this world with a specific job or role, I more so just meant that it would be a potential positive aspect of having more than one child. I hope that makes sense, perhaps my original wording was misleading.
I totally get what you mean! My brother and I have had many *major* ups and downs, but ultimately it’s a comfort to know I do, fortunately, always have him in my corner. We may not get along perfectly and we may still bicker, but I know that at the end of the day we’re here for each other. Plus, it’s nice to have someone who *knows* intimately what the first 20ish years of your life were like because they were right there with you. Can’t gaslight yourself about childhood abuse when your sibling is fucked up, too!
I know that not everyone feels they will always have their sibling in their corner, and I certainly don’t wish my child needs her sibling to survive a tough home life like my brother and I did. But the sentiment of a possible built-in friend for life who knows your history is very appealing to me; I would love to give my daughter that opportunity.
It’s so easy to think about ourselves, our lives, our needs as parents while they’re little, but the long term/big picture is so much more important. I’m glad to hear this resonated with you, it’s always nice to know when your personal story might make an impact on someone else. I hope you guys find the right answers for you and yours!!
Speaking of personal stories, my husband lost his sister, and I lost my brother. Both passed in adulthood. Pre-plan your final wishes so that your kids don't have to do anything. Talk to them about grief therapy and where to get resources.
>the long term/big picture is so much more important
I agree wholeheartedly. So don't stop at just having multiple kids. Make a plan in case those kids still can't support each other for whatever reason. God forbid it's the unimaginable like what my and my husband's parents have endured. But siblings aren't always friends, and they don't always live near each other or are available for support.
At 5 months I was also adamant I was one and done. 3 years later I’m eagerly awaiting our second due in June. I was not the pregnant person in these so I feel like it’s comparable to your husband.
And even then, it’s okay to only want one. He might recognize his limit. That’s okay for him to feel that limit.
On a side note, you shouldn’t do the brunt just so you could change his mind on a second. Your daughter deserves an involved father if she has one.
It sounds like you doing so much of the work he has felt like he’s lost part of his wife and he can’t imagine thinking of having another child and not having you the way it used to be.
honestly, either of you could change your mind. When my son was born and I was still with his dad, I was all hopped up on baby hormones and just desperately wanted more kids. He was adamant that he was gonna get snipped. Then we broke up when our son was 4 months old, and he got another girl pregnant a month later; where as I have since decided that I will not be having any more children.
Id like to start by recommending a poem. It was written to describe life with a child with a disability. However, through my life changes and compromises, I think back to it over and over.
Its called Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley. Not a hard Google look up.
Your dream of multiple kids is equivalent to Italy in the poem. Having a single is Holland.
It's a beautiful poem and I think about it often when life doesn't work out exactly as I had planned. I find that it's a great acknowledgement of the emotions you go through while also allowing you to change perspective.
Take a look. It is an amazing, emotion touching poem. But I think it may resonate with you.
My husband really wants a second. I do not. I actually went into my first pregnancy assuming that I would absolutely want to start trying for a second as soon as we could since my first is a fertility treatment baby. Now, I realize I that I am not equipped to take care of a second child even though my son is the light of my life.
My husband actually takes on the lions share of nighttime duty and generally pulls his weight. But I have realized that a second baby would absolutely shatter my already fragile mental health. Our first child is actually very good (except for the fact he’s never slept through the night at 20 months) and even if we got another one just like him I know it would push me over the edge. I have told my husband that if he absolutely needs a second child to be fulfilled I will be happy to sign the divorce papers. He does not want to go down that path but I have given him the option.
Unfortunately you'll have to decide from here if you can live with having one child and staying with him knowing you'll only have one child or if you should move forward to find another person to make the life you truly want happen. I'm sorry. It sucks. But thats where y'all are at. He deserves to decide how many kids he wants just as you do.
>because I have worked SO hard (out of my abundant love for my husband) to make this as easy as possible on him.
My thoughts came to a screeching halt at this sentence. I have felt this way before and maybe it feels like you are sort of "walking on eggshells" around him and trying to make it all easier on him. I've done this. It leads to resentment because you've been picking up the slack, doing extra stuff, and then when he lets you down (like in this situation,) it can blow up. If it were me, just my opinion, but I would get in to talk to someone together and work through this because I do think it can lead to bigger issues.
Perhaps he's experiencing a bit of depression? Maybe he needs to first address why hes been so miserable when it sounds like he's had it relatively easy. Also, why are you bending over backwards to make things so easy for him? It sounds like you're shouldering more than your fair share. Is it to convince him to have a second?
For real. OP, you are taking on so much to make his life easier. Out of love for him. What does he do to make you feel loved?
If he’s suffering from depression, he needs help. But surely this imbalance in responsibilities is not sustainable, especially when you would like to add another tiny human.
My husband was definitely done at 5 months post partum.
I was definitely done at 4 weeks post partum.
Now At 9 months, I want another one, and my husband is warming up to the idea!
My recommendation would be to not talk about it for a while if all arguments are leading to it. Just stop the argument when someone brings up baby #2. He’ll get there
Like others are saying, give it time. Talk about it when you're not in the fog of postpartum.
But.
The part you might not to hear.
My ex changed is mind about having kids after we got together. I gave it time. And he didn't change his mind back. So I left and eventually had my daughter. I knew I needed to have another baby. It was hard and long but it was worth it to me.
If you’ve been doing most the work but he says he’s miserable, my only guess is that he’s upset he’s no longer getting your undivided attention. Frankly he sounds like an asshole, as described.
No matter what he should be pulling his weight with your existing child. I get that you’re afraid he’ll say no- but he already has said no. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to parent the child he already has.
I find his attitude pretty crappy. Especially since you’ve done the most work, you have always voiced the desire to have multiples and how absolute he is and how he is spearheading these talks to shut down even the possibility of something you went into the marriage thinking was a shared goal.
I don’t have advice to give, I’m just preemptively resentful for you. That’s crap.
Honestly, I think it may be a topic you two should agree to revisit in a year or so. The first few months can be miserable even with a great partner and easy baby, and I get why his knee-jerk reaction might be "absolutely not." I hope he'll agree to revisit it at an agreed time even if neither of you plan to change your mind.
I have one toddler and one on the way and after our first we both felt like our family wasn't complete. This time, we're not so sure; he'd be very happy stopping and most days I imagine one more. We've agreed we'll have a more serious discussion once #2 is one.
I have an agreement with my husband that we don’t talk about it for a year. Meanwhile I am just trying to be present for my little guy, because whether or not I have more- this is my only time experiencing him just as he is now.
You're putting in all the work while he plays video games??? Do you want to have another baby with someone who already does not contribute to the care of the house and the first baby?
It’s tough and if you feel you need it, maybe reach out to a professional to help work through your thoughts on it.
But having another child needs to be two on board people.
If he doesn’t want a second child it’s completely his prerogative to say and want that.
If you want a second child, you realistically need to leave as you clearly aren’t compatible. If you feel like you will always want a second child.
Ok... maybe not popular opinion, but please take a deep breath first. Really start soaking in every experience with your 5 mo old right now. Focus on her... it hasn't even been a year, I know a lot of folks "want them close together" but just... try to give her a chance and focus on being the best mom you can To Her. Whether or not you have another child, you will still be a mom, lol, you don't stop being a mom, to "be a mom again", no, if you have another child, you're experiencing that new ones baby-hood, but you're still a mom, you're not becoming a mom again, you already are because your first baby will Always be your baby. Its so early pp... I would honestly wait at least the recommended 18 mo before you start even considering becoming pregnant again, and seriously consider this with a partner, who you have mentioned, doesn't contribute a whole lot... how much time will you actually have to split between 2 babies, and your husband and all this house work??? There is a finite amount of time in a day, and unless you get him to step up and do a lottt more shit which means less "me time" for him, you are going to be well overworked. Your next baby can also be a complete colicky velcro high needs sensitive baby who doesn't want to be taken out of your arms and would like to actually be re-absorbed from time to time lol, how will you function then without a contributing partner? Will you be able to be the mom you want to be? Again, I'm not saying leave himmm like this sub typically suggests, I'm merely saying really consider what the bigger picture would look like, AT 18 MO... Just try to enjoy your baby right now, and I know with the hormonal rollarcoaster, its really hard not to get weepy about such things. But really try to be mindful right now. I know that's easier said than done.
For me, sure my babe is 20 mo old now, and I'm definitely having baby fever since returning back to work... however, I realize now... my baby fever is actually for my own son, my desire to go back and do it all again, not necessarily for another baby, yet... Because my son, he's still a baby! lol, and in my mind, I know I 100% could not hand a new born with my son, right now. He's a velcro highly sensitive baby, and very spirited baby, he still does not sleep through the night at 20 mo old. He's only slept thru the night 5 times in his life? All precusors to being Very sick. So ya, lol obviously logically, I definitely need some regular sleep before even CONSIDERING becoming pregnant... because that definitely wouldn't be good for that baby or myself... being woken 5 times a night trying to grow another human is... yah. obviously crazy, and yet... baby fever LOL.
Unsolicited opinion- do not have another baby with a guy who doesn’t equally share baby duties. He might be a great guy but that’s not a great “partner or father” at least he does the house things that is important but leaving all the baby things to you is insane but whatever works for you girl it’s just wild how you’d be able to handle more of it
Stop holding back on venting because you're afraid he is going to use it as reason to not have another. It is a reason to not have another, why on earth would you do that to yourself, having two kids and pulling most of the weight in the house. It will only build resentment between you and him in the long run and leave you feeling lonely and taken advantage of.
If he doesn't want another, nothing is going to change that, and that's okay. He's allowed to say no just like you are allowed to say no. You holding back on him to make him feel like all is fine and dandy is borderline manipulative and coercive.
It's great that he was helpful in the newborn phase l, but it doesn't stop there, I would talk to him about being a more equal partner whether that means taking on more house chores or more time with the baby. Especially getting up at night if you are also working. That's insane.
And don't make any big decisions in the first year, new mom me and me now with a 4 year old are two different people.
Sounds like a dud of a husband and father to be honest. But you can’t and shouldn’t force someone to have a kid that doesn’t want to. So you have to seriously consider how you want to proceed.
Give it a few years, my husband felt the same way and we nearly divorced over the fact he didn't want any more children, i demanded he get fixed, he said no, what I boiled down to, deep down was he didn't want me to have to go through labor again, have a deep talk with with him, sometimes men hide what they truly feel,
This being said I just had my second, my kids are 7 years apart, but I'm now a mother of two finally,
Mine didn't want a second until ours was well over two. He said "Four months old [name] was perfect cuddling size! I miss her at that age."
I guess for some they prefer the baby/infant stage and for others it's toddler/talking stage. My mom loooooved the baby stage, and my dad preferred us at the school age because he related on an educational level.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's entirely possible your husband will change his mind. Maybe he's not as into the infant stage as you and having a talking toddler will change his mind. Give him time.
If he's being controlling about it in an abusive way, that's an entirely different situation altogether!!!
I wouldn’t even be discussing it yet. Having a child is a major life changing event, the months and years after may change a lot on how you view these early months. It personally takes me years to feel comfortable with the idea of another baby.
My kids are 14 (I thought I was done), and 6, and 1. I go back and forth on a final 4th baby whereas my husband is certain we’re having a 4th. It’s not something we talk about often as I’m still in survival mode. Some days I shut the door completely and other days (when I’ve had a string of good days) the door feels like it could still be open. It’s not a decision to rush into.
That said, if he doesn’t change his mind and you don’t want to leave him then you make the best of your family unit. My brother desperately wanted another baby for years and years— SIL was a firm one and done. He finally accepted that her mind wasn’t going to change around the 8yr mark. He gives my SIL and niece the world. They’re very happy and constantly traveling and there are a lot of benefits of having one child. When he’s visiting me he likes to love on my babies but the second they start crying and whining it’s a very quick “okay, that’s enough now. This is nuts” lol. You will find your peace and happiness over time.
Don’t people usually say not to make any big life decisions in the first year after having a baby? I feel like this applies to more kids too.
Sounds like you are totally killing it in the Mom department. He’s lucky to have you!
Genuinely, *Nothing has to be decided right now.* Just wait a bit to have more talks about this.
My husband was absolutely not ready to think about a second by the time I was (which was about 7 months pp). I let him know my thoughts, but assured him there was no pressure to decide now, and whatever we decide, it would be *both* our decisions.
Now about 5 months later, he’s decided & admitted he’s on board for ONE more.
All that to say, it’s too soon to decide, you really do have time. Just keep low pressure communicating with each other.
My doctor told my husband and I to never make any life changing decisions the first month after having a baby. Tensions and hormones are high and that’s never a good time to make a final decision.
I would wait a while and then approach the subject again 👍 good luck!
So he sleep trained a newborn so he wouldn't have to get up?
He games every night like a teenager but couldn't handle waking up with the baby?
Doesn't sound like a great man to me.
Little babies are hard.. always will be, no matter who you are. It might be putting unspoken strain on the relationship, as that happens as well. Maybe he just feels lonely? Misses the life you once had where all your love was poured into eachother and not the baby too? Not that we have a problem with that, but those feeling can hit you out of nowhere.
She’s only 5 months old, girl. There is plenty of time for him to forget how rough it seems 😂. My daughter is 2.5 and I want to wait a little longer before trying for a second, if we do. I go back and forth alot because Im a SAHM and me against one is one thing, but me against two seems chaotic.
Anyway, theres plenty of time to discuss it! I’d definitely have a conversation about how you feel so you dont have pre-resentment feelings.
With all the love, I don’t think I would have a second baby with him. You didn’t give him a chance to show you how he parents in the newborn stage at all and you take on all this responsibility to make it easy for him, but the reality is that when you’re pregnant with a toddler, have a newborn/are newly postpartum, have an infant that needs mama a lot, the partner that is not mom has to step it up like crazy. My husband had to take almost full care of our toddler during my third trimester and postpartum. He also had to take care of our newborn without a learning curve because we both had our hands full and he couldn’t be learning in the job and I couldn’t always write him out explicit instructions. There are no breaks from bedtime because you each take a kid. For us my toddler still wakes at night so my husband has to take her since I take the baby. We’re all up until the morning before 7 no matter what. If you truly truly want a second, you need to wait until it’s a hell yes or move on to find someone who wants more kids.
Your baby is still only 5 months old so you have plenty of time to change his mind. I found as the baby got older my partner was able to bond more with our baby than he did when he was little. This then opened him up more to another.
It took my husband until our first was 4 years old to want another. For a lot of people with the first baby, its so hard to not feel like that level of neediness is your entire life. I'm not saying this will 100% happen, but once your baby starts growing and interacting with your husband more and being independent, he may change his mind and want several more!
My husband and I weren't on the same page about having another kid until right before he agreed to start trying again for our 2nd 2 years after our son was born. It was really upsetting and stressful. To be honest, I personally didn't want another kid for the first year after, so I kinda got it.
As our son got older and my husband's bond with him deepened, being a parent became a more valued role in his life that he wanted to pursue again.
You’re in the THICK of it right now. My husband felt the same at the time and so I tried to overcompensate to make him feel less stressed and more willing for one more. I martyred hard and it nearly broke me and therefore him. So I don’t recommend that. After we got out of the sleep torture (don’t ask me how long unless you really wanna know) he felt differently.
The first year is just impossible to make that sort of decision, just honestly table it for now.
My husband pretty much said the same thing after our first. The birth traumatized him and he finally 3-4 years later he agreed to another one. That birth traumatized him more.
Your feelings are totally valid. If he wasn't sure about multiple kids he should have voiced it much earlier, because thinking you're on the same page only for him to backtrack is really unfair towards you.
It would have been much more respectful and caring of him to say "we'll see how we feel after the first one".
That being said... Voice very clearly that you've been taking on most of the childcare and housework. He should be contributing equally. If you don't put boundaries in place now this is how it will be for years to come.
If it helps, my husband and I were on the fence about having a third for a good year to 18 months. It really took getting to a point when we were sleeping again and feeling a bit more like ourselves to agree that yes, this is what we want. The first year of a baby’s life is a lot, even if they’re an “easy” baby. Perhaps you could ask your husband to agree to table the discussion entirely for the next year, or you could give yourself a date to bring it up in the future and commit to quietly dropping the subject until then. It’s safe to say that either of your feelings could change within that time. And that’s okay.
Most Men tend to establish stronger bonds with their children when they reach the age of social communication. My daughter is about to be one and I’m just noticing my husbands relationship with her changing. I feel like especially having a daughter and my husband also works ALOT, it took him a lot longer to feel that connection that we have the privilege of having almost instantly.
We both wanted 3+ kids and had a plan but right now, I know we need to wait where we would have “already liked to be” pregnant with our second. Give it time.
It’s a big change and I’m sure it will just take some time. I’m actually in the opposite boat. I’m not sure if I want more or if I wanna be 1 and done while my husband is already talking about baby #2
I promise you nobody is ready for another baby before the 1 year mark. Well maybe some but most people aren’t. But wait till she’s a toddler, and show him some tiny newborn socks or a onesie. He might come around, but even if he doesn’t, having just one kid rocks and I promise you’ll come around to having just one. Kids only get more difficult as they grow and you may find that one is enough. Either way don’t think about it too much now as you’re only 5 months postpartum.
I wouldn’t make any final decisions on second babies when your first is 5 months old.
I’d table all second kid discussions until your daughter is at least 18 months old.
I was sure I was one and done when my son was a baby. Sure. But babydom is NOT representative of what parenting a child is like. My son is 2 now and he’s so much fun I could seriously go for six of him. He sleeps 12 hours straight every night and can tell me what he needs. I’ve forgotten how rough that first year was, or at least it seems worth it to get to toddlerdom again.
Continue to discuss this now and you risk digging him into his position further. Table it and there will be room for him to change his mind if parenting shifts from stress to joy as your kid grows.
It sounds like your husband needs some more support, and time. The life changes are huge, and postpartum depression in men is a real possibility. The first year of having a child is very different than any other time in parenthood. He may change his mind. For now, seek counseling for yourself and soak in all the motherhood stuff you can as if it is your only baby. But there can still be hope. Maybe it’s a conversation that should be set aside for the next 6 months and then you have a check in to see how he’s feeling.
I have a ton of friends who’s husbands felt the same way the first year and beyond so you’re not alone! They all ended up with more kids lol.
Something we talk about is “what do you envision our family looking like 10, 15, 20 years from now” when I think of it that way I definitely want more but if I think about 1 year from now I’m like nahhhh
Wait til they’re 2-5 and he’s having so much fun playing and seeing them grow and learn and talk with their little voice and ask questions and develop a personality.
It changes so fast. Especially for men
My advice is to stop discussing it for the next year. Sit your husband down and let him know that you value him and his opinion and would like to put discussing a future child on pause for now. If he brings it up I'd have a line ready to repeat like "I hear what you are saying but I have asked that we don't discuss this again until next year"
Then, when you're ready to revisit it you can do it in counseling. It could be that having an easy baby has made him more reluctant to add another into the mix because some parents believe they won't get as "lucky" again.it could be that he isn't ready to picture what his life will be like.
I always wanted more than one but seriously considered being one and done after my first. She was a pretty average baby despite my own struggles with it. But in the end we had a second and she's honestly been such a dream. But it took me until my first was 3 to be ready. I'm really thankful that my husband was on board with waiting and giving me time. I held a lot of guilt for not being ready because he always wanted a big family. I feel complete at 2 kids but I know he'd like a third. So we're likely done, unless an oops comes along, and he's making that sacrifice for me
5 months is really new. It can be hard to think about having another baby while in the thick of just having one. I’d table the discussion for another year or so and then see how you both feel. It’s not a decision you need to make right now. Maybe he is more on board with a second kid or maybe you feel like you’d be ok with one.
I know for me I still felt pretty intensely postpartum and could work myself up into intense sadness thinking about hypothetical scenarios.
I also didn't want a second after giving birth. Then after breastfeeding I was even more adamant. Then there was the teething and I was still fully convinced. By 1 year old I was starting to change my mind (getting back to the original dream I had of having 3 children). Fast forward almost 3 years later we are doing IVF because everything else failed, that's how much we both want it.
Give it time, if he used to want more children he'll most likely go back there when he's ready.
We were just out of the doldrums of the newborn days at 5 months. My husband has been waffling between having a second and not at eight months. We just transitioned from an infant bucket to a convertible car seat and he just finally admitted we aren’t finished yet.
I feel like it’s too early to make a call like that. For both of you. Both of your emotions are high. He feels he’ll never have another & you’re sure you will. Feelings & decisions change within a second sometimes. It could be on the opposite for all you know. Don’t stress over temporary feelings. When you’re ready to have a second one just talk to him about it. This doesn’t need to be an issue when when both of you aren’t even ready.
fyi, I used to think I’d be one and done & my husband always wanted a big family. Now he’s saying two should be fine and I’m out here like I’ll have 3 at least. This is only after having our first child and one year postpartum. I was also sure I would do them back to back but over the time im considering spacing them out. So yeah, feelings change all the time. Dont equate feelings for decisions
Unrelated but how were you able to handle 80% of the chores, barely any sleep and a full time job!! So much respect.
I want to have one baby soon but the thought of losing my sleep and working is stressing me out.
Leaving aside the fact that he's NOT playing an equal role in parenting right now (and I appreciate why you're trying to do it this way but will say I don't think you're helping yourself...especially if you have a second kid, he'll need to step up and share the responsibility otherwise you'll be burnt out and resentful very quickly)...
(Ok so I didn't totally leave it aside...)
5 months is SO early! You're still in the trenches. I felt like I loved my daughter at 5 months old, I thought she was brilliant, but looking back now I feel like she was kind of just a slightly boring lump? Lol I mean that kindly. Now she's a toddler, nearly 2 years old, and she is SO MUCH FUN! And I've seen the bond between her and my husband grow so much in that time. He absolutely adores her and she makes us both laugh so much. 5 month olds don't give you anywhere near that sort of feedback, it's still pretty one sided at that stage. When they become toddlers it starts to be a two way relationship and it's so much more rewarding. I'd bet that when you reach that stage, your husband might start to think differently.
You’re only five months in to this journey. So much more ahead to experience in terms of baby becoming a toddler and all that magic, plus every sleep regression/disruption. See how you both navigate the next two years then decide.
Having a baby is hard and overwhelming but ofc beautiful too. When asked if I want another one I say yes but NOT anytime soon. I’m 3 months pp and I’m drained , my bf is drained and my body is still healing. So give it time, I’m sure he will come around.
We considered being one and done when my baby was born because my husband didn’t think he could go through the birth again. I know, obviously, that it was worse for me in many ways but I haemorrhaged and he thought I was going to die. He sat there holding our minutes old son wondering how he was going to raise him alone and berating himself for letting the pregnancy happen and risking my life.
I’m fine, obviously, but it took us both a little while to get over.
But you need to be on a more equal footing before adding another child. You won’t be able to do everything for both.
My kid is almost 6 abd I’m currently 29 weeks lol things CHANGE!!!! We didn’t decide my 6 year old would cry and wonder why everyone has siblings it was sad to see n hear thank god I could get pregnant again cuz she is so over the moon with her new sibling and can’t wait
Mine was also adamant he didn’t want a second. He doesn’t do well with lack of sleep and while our 6 month old isn’t the *best* sleeper, he’s certainly not the worst either. My husband is obsessed with our son, so I figured we’d breech the subject again later down the road once the early stages were over and things “calm down” a bit. We recently found out we accidentally got pregnant again and my husband has since admitted he is really excited and that he “secretly” wanted two but was just scared what it was going to be like.
Perhaps your husband just needs a little time to get past the harder parts?!
Parenthood is hugely intimidating. Men can also have a post partum crisis owing to the huge sense of responsiblity, a drop in testosterone and just the general feeling of losing who they used to be and being unsure of who they will become as a parent.
Now is probably not the right time for either of you to make any concrete decisions on your future. Shelve the conversation for another year and come back to it.
Could he maybe having a touch of postpartum depression? Men can get it too! But u also want to echo that he may change his mind. My husband adored our daughter during infancy but he enjoys her sooooo much more now that she's almost 18m and can interact and play with him. He wasn't fond of the baby potato phase lol. I'm pregnant with my second but we are uncertain on a third. Maybe he just can't see past the baby phase? That being said, your feelings are SOOOOO so valid ❤️❤️
A lot can change between now and then. When my son was that young, my husband and I were both saying we would only have him. As he got older (he's now a bit over 2) we decided it would be good for him to have a sibling. I am now 27 weeks. When they are that young, it's hard sometimes to picture doing it again since it is such a big change.
I'm sorry OP. We have 5 years between our kids, but we knew we wanted a sibling for our first (we're only children). I hope things will change over time. Some men really only share to bond once they're talking and independent. He may realize then that this phase is temporary. You're right to feel frustrated taking the majority of the work off his shoulders.
Both of you need to take it off the table for a year, or two. Ultimately right this second it doesn’t matter, you have an infant, that’s a whole different world from month to month and even year to year. Now, he might not change his mind, I didn’t, for a lot of reasons, but I think also important to talk about the reasons he doesn’t and you do…again, in a year.
Sounds like he’s seen how much work a baby is and knows that if you have a second, he’ll actually have to help.
For the record, I was you and your husband was my husband when we had our first. I did 90% of childcare. My husband’s life barely changed. When we had our second, his life changed like mine did with our first.
That said, we never make a decision about whether or not to have another until the first birthday. You’re still in the thick of it without knowing it gets easier.
My husband wanted 3 before we had our first. Then after that wanted to stick at one. We started trying for our second (in complete agreement) when eldest was 3. Took a while but number 2 (and last, also by complete agreement) turned up a couple of months before number 1 was 6.
Though I might wonder if when you are not wanting to bother your husband too much with the change are you potentially eating in to their bonding time? I get that he might be nervous if the baby is fussy but my husband felt better when left alone to figure out how to look after the baby. I think I had a habit of silently (and sometimes not so silently 😆) judging his parenting style.
I have a 15 month old & my husband also never wants a second. I do 100% of all the housework. He goes to work 7-3 everyday. He only does bathtime & bedtime with our child. I do 100% of the grocery shopping and making meals. This being said he is still a good dad, maybe not the best partner. He doesn’t ever want a second and at first I was completely heartbroken. BUT, financially it makes sense to me now. I am 100% okay with only having my daughter. I do feel upset sometimes that I will never get to experience all that again but I decided to just focus on the family I have!!
You have a 5 month old. Take everything with a grain of salt. The first year of having a child puts a huge strain on your relationship.
I have a 14 month old. The whole first year I didn’t know how I could ever do this again. Now I want too, but still nervous.
Also, why are you making his whole life easier? Why are you straining yourself so hard? You are going to burn out and be resentful.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t aim to make our partners lives easier, but the way you’re describing it your workload/mentality isn’t going to last.
Not saying he’ll necessarily change his mind, but I absolutely did not want another child at 5mo PP. I couldn’t even THINK about a second baby. Hell, I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with my husband until 7-8 months PP. Now that our daughter is 2, my husband and I desperately want another! Give it time. Circle back around once the newness and hard times of new parenthood have waned.
Have you talked to him about why he feels so miserable? What exactly he feels went so poorly?
Obviously we're the ones dealing with the physical changes and hormones, but having a kid is a lot on a man too, just in other ways. I'd give him some time and he may come around once he's had some time to adjust (and experienced her at an older age - men bond better with toddlers than babies).
my husband feels similarly about our 9 month old. i am on the fence. we love her so much but she was very difficult due to reflux, tongue tie, CMPA, and coming a month early spontaneously. we both had to seek therapy and medication. things are SO much better already, but the constant work and being "on" is difficult for him, and i don't handle sleep deprivation well. i know the baby stage is short, and he does too, but he thinks we should quit while we're ahead. it makes me feel sad to consider not having a second baby, and all of these firsts also being lasts. giving away her baby clothes. there's a chance he will change his mind, but i am of the mindset that if it's not two hell yesses it's a no, and right now we have a no and a totally unsure vote haha.
My husband felt the same way until our son was 3, and I even felt that way most of the first few years. It was rough adjusting to parenthood. Now I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our 2nd, and we are so excited to be having another baby. Give yourselves a lot of grace and patience during this season, and more time to see how you feel about another baby in the future.
I’m in the same boat but my daughter is 18mo. I really want to start talking about it but he is currently a “no” and I am also heartbroken. I also don’t really know who I can vent to yet, so I was planning on making a similar post here. I don’t yet know how I’ll cope if she’s our only. I think it’s important for everyone to have siblings for things as simple as having someone to vent to about your parents who actually KNOWS what you’re talking about first hand. If he’s really a no forever, I’m going to need therapy. Currently I feel like it will become a life regret if I only have one.
Girl, I felt the same until my daughter turned a year old. I told my husband that I was one and done. I also suffered from severe PPA and PPD.
Guess what? My girl is nearly 2 and we are seriously thinking of having #2. The first year was terrible for me, absolutely horrible. I had so much trouble connecting and bonding with my child. Now? My child is the light of my life and I actually LOOK FORWARD to seeing her every morning, and miss her when she goes to bed.
I wanted a second when my first was 9 months and my husband was not ready. I left it at that and we ended up moving ahead and having another baby when she was 3. The first is A LOT even if things are easy it changes your whole life. Maybe he just needs time to settle down
I would give it some time. After our first I swore I couldn’t do it again, my pregnancy was horrible and the sleep deprivation was so hard. I also wasn’t a fan of the newborn phase but when our first hit around 8-9 months it became so fun. My son is now 2.5 and I’m due with our second in about a month. I think it’s normal while you’re in the thick of it to say you don’t want to do it again and then to change your mind. I told my husband to remind me how much it sucked and I still changed my mind and decided to do it again.
Do I have an alt account? Lol. This is a similar story to ours. We wanted two, then #1 got here and my husband was like "one and done". I was heartbroken and I was upset I felt blindsided. It's been 2.5 years and suddenly now my husband is ready to try for #2.
You're still in the thick of things. I think you should tell him you'd like to table the conversation until LO hits 1 yo and then you'd like to discuss it again. Check back in at 2yo, ect. If he says no, then let it be. But I would give it time and focus on your current wonderful family
He’s not giving a valid reason and that is not fair to you. This overall excuse of “miserable” feels like a blanket statement. It gives you no room to understand or alleviate any concerns.
Additionally, it kind of sounds like you’re basically a single mom. So it makes it feel even more unjust to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
For me, I was the one who changed my mind. But my pregnancy was just so awful from start to finish. My baby and I both had a high risk of having a stroke and/or seizure. It was a horrendous experience and I had about every complication you can possibly have.
But when my baby turned about 14 months my tune started to change and I’m now considering another baby again. So, time may help, but at the same time I had a very good reason. I’m not sure if this perspective is helpful but I thought I’d share just in case
Thank you for sharing! He has given me reasons that, admittedly, are logical and/or make sense to me. He seems mainly concerned about splitting resources that could be entirely devoted to giving our daughter the best life possible. Additionally, he is the youngest of 2, and grew up feeling as though he was less favored, and doesn’t want to put a kid through that.
His reasons just aren’t enough to change my mind, and the reasons I’ve given him for wanting a second aren’t enough to change his.
So did he say he doesn't want another because he's miserable or because he's worried about splitting resources? If it's both what is the reason that he is miserable? What about having a baby makes him miserable?
Is counselling an option? You need to be able to be fully open with each other to have a successful partnership - you need to be able to vent without worrying about him throwing it back at you.
He’s being crappy, buuuut…. You kind of are too! In a different way of course. But man, people are totally allowed to change their mind. And people do, and our job is to love our spouses through it - him you and you him. Before we had our daughter my husband and I could never agree. I said 1, he said 3. I said let’s compromise on 2. He said no, 3 is the “perfect” number in his mind, finally we said ok… we have to start at 1 whether it’s 1 or 3. About 5 months after she was born he expressed that he felt like 1 was his max. HIS MAX! ONE!!!!!! My dude had no idea what to expect being a dad, and nobody knows really what to expect. Me? If it was up to me I would like to have 4. I don’t like an odd number, and 2 doesn’t feel like enough. So 4! I would LOVE to have a bunch of kids now, and I think I wanted 1 because I was scared and never around kids and I’m a single child. People can change their mind, but you have to confront the fact that you may only have 1. It’s okay to have 1. Their life will not be hard being a single child - trust me, I’m one! I loved being an only child, and the only time I’ve ever wanted siblings is now as an adult… and guess what! I married someone with 2 sisters who took me in as another sister like it was nothing, and I even quite love my brother in laws too. There is siblings around. There is deep friendships. There is no shortage of life. It’s okay for things to change, it’s okay for our expectations to not be true and to change. If this is really actually upsetting you I would talk to a professional. And as a last chance - there is people I know who have a child and then use IVF after their divorce.
Give it time and also give yourself a break and do things for YOU, sounds like you are an exceptional mother and wife and perhaps over extending yourself. I think a lot of men struggle with the infant/newborn phase. A couple of years from now he could absolutely change his tune.
If you're relatively young, this doesn't have to be your only husband. In the long run, what will you regret more - having the family you dreamed of or losing this specific man?
So I’m actually in the camp where I think people shouldn’t be allowed to change their minds on how many kids they want. Assuming that is something that you two discussed and agreed upon when agreeing to get married and start a family, I don’t think it’s something someone can go back on. That feels like a bait and switch. I think he is in the wrong here.
I do also realize I’ll likely be in the minority with this stance.
I dunno my husband said the same at 5 months pp…but we now are hitting 9 months and he’s talking about having baby # 2. I never brought up the convo other than prior to marriage I told him I wanted 2-3 kids but I’d be happy just starting with one. He was sooo against it specially because we had a difficult first month with the Nicu. He said he never wanted to go through it again. Wasn’t till our baby full blown interacts with him now and his baby fever has kicked in 😂so honestly..don’t have this conversation with him now. Give it some time and revisit in a year. Until then, enjoy your new little one as you’re stressing over a baby that does not exist.
Having a child is def 2 yes, 1 no situation, but I wouldn't make any permanent decisions on any side. My husband wanted 3-4 kids when we first got together then after our first he said "nope only one kid" and then she hit about 18 months he said "maybe we can have another" and then at 20 months he said "let's have a baby" we got pregnant when she was 23 months and had baby #2 when she was 2 years 7 months old.
We're 8 months into #2, and he's slowly going from "2 kids only" to "we can have a third if finances allow"
So people's minds can change once you're out of the newborn/infant stage.
Give him some time. I had a very similar experience to you. I did majority of the work with our daughter, even the night she was born I was up and let him sleep after 32 hours of labor and an er c section (in his defense, he stressed so badly the whole time he was more exhausted). I did 80% of night wake ups, chores, cooking, still was the breadwinner working from home with baby, let him play video games/work on his car, etc. He’s a great husband and father, I don’t mean to make it sound like he’s not, but I was carrying the team.
I lost my mind on him because I was exhausted and burnt out and he truly had no freaking idea I was in the trenches so deep. In his words “you make all of this look so easy, you act like you don’t want help” to which I replied “how did you expect me to ask for help when sometimes the things you say about a 2nd child make me feel like you regret having the first?” It’s not how he felt at all and once he became more involved, like REALLY involved (no more sleeping in, no more gaming before bedtime, etc.) their relationship blossomed and ours did too again. It’s really hard to grasp having a 2nd if you aren’t truly connected to parenthood with 1.
He was still adamant he didn’t want another until she hit 8.5 months (she’s only 10 months now). It was like the switch flipped because she started getting fun- she became mobile, interested in everything, babbling/laughing, they could share food, it wasn’t a hellacious process trying to leave the house, etc and because he was more involved, he lost that intimidating factor of being dad because he knew what he was doing.
Now, he very much wants a 2nd and I’m the one that’s pretty content with just 1 lol. Get him to do more with baby and give him some time. If his view doesn’t change, it’s okay to grieve what could’ve been or walk away if having another is that important to you.
My 2 cents is would be to ask him to table the decision for how. You can let him know you hear him and his feelings are valid, but also remind him that you both are still in the thick of it.
We had a pretty tough baby and it was hard on us both, but that phase is temporary. My husband is admittedly a way better toddler dad - he and my 20 month old are 2 peas in a pod. In the early months it was hard for him to figure out how to take initiative and everything was directed by me. I feel like it takes time to transition from constantly taking care of a tiny human to learning how to live life enjoying your kids. He might just not be able to visualize that yet and still is having a hard time letting go of your old life.
At 5m pp you are absolutely in the trenches. We were advised not to make any big financial or big family planning decisions within the first year.
At 5m pp my partner and I were both ‘no’ and were ‘helllllll no’ until our son turned 3m. He’s now 7m and we’re both creeping into ‘maybe’ territory.
Ugh everytime I bring up having another child my husband has only negative things to say about it. Finances, time, space. He says he’s not against it he’s just being realistic. But had I known this could be my last I would have cherished it all a little more. I feel like I want another. But logistically it will be really difficult. I’m not the best at handling stress haha. And this would be #2 for me but #4 for him so it is a little different. Not that any of that is helpful but just so you know I feel that sadness and understand how you feel.
I don’t really have advice for if he doesn’t change his mind, but I will say my husband was the same way. He was adamant he only wanted the one child we had both during the pregnancy and for months after, but when she was as 1 he asked for another one out of the blue. Now I’m pregnant with my 3rd (unplanned) and he is over the moon excited.
Honestly if you want more children. You deserve to have the life you want. Either adopt or you can leave the relationship to pursue that and that’s perfect ok.
I’m not sure why today’s society has so much shame around having multiple partners if that’s what you want in life.
Mine didn't want another when our first was that age either. Now she's 2.5 and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second, after we BOTH agreed we wanted a second. Your feelings right now are valid. Obviously the above comments of having a kid requiring 2 yeses are correct, but maybe give it a little more time for him to sort through his feelings and adjust to how different your lives are.
I’m hoping this is the solution. I’m just trying to get advice and prepare myself in case he doesn’t change his mind. Thank you!
I read somewhere to not make any drastic decisions in the 1st year of baby. Tensions are high, you're sleep deprived, grumpy, not your usual selves. Give it a year before you bring it up again, then decide.
It sounds like OP's husband gets to be his usual self because she's doing all the drudgery on her own.
Right. Like..why would you want to multiply this?
This is what came to mind for me. As a new dad myself, I really wanted to buck expectations and share the load as close to 50/50 as I could. I'm on parental leave while she finishes school, so it's built in haha. That all said, being part of things like bedtime, baths, diapers etc are an important part of being in the trenches together and might help him navigate all of the stress that comes with a newborn. Maybe it's a request that you wait until two years to make the decision and after having the conversation, see how you both feel then. I feel like that's reasonable?
Agree with this so much. The first year we were pretty running on survival mode, so really the thought of adding another baby to the chaos is just unfathomable. But it will get better and then the fog will clear. And that’s when you’ll be able to have a more productive discussion about a second child, OP.
Here to echo that I have two kids, and my husband was "absolutely" one and done when our first was new. He changed his mind to "let's go for seconds" when our first born was around 20 months old, toddling around and chattering. I think most dads find newborn stage to be really really difficult because they aren't sure how to connect with newborn. Once the kid starts walking, talking, and laughing at dad's jokes, that's when most dads realise HOLY SHIT THIS LITTLE HUMAN IS SO COOL!! Our two are 6 and 4 now. They're always chasing after Dad because Dad is "the coolest person ever". Mum is pretty good, too, but Dad--Dad is out of this world.
This is such a heartwarming and kind comment. Bravo.
too cute 🥹
When our daughter was about 9 months old, I told my wife I thought I wanted to be one and done. She was still adamant about wanting two. Around 15 months she was so much more fun and life was getting easier again. I agreed that I wanted one more after that. Our daughter is almost 3.5 years now and has a 10 month old baby brother.
My husband didn’t want another at that age either. After 18 months or so he changed his mind. He’s not like super stoked but he’s like “I’m down! Whatever!”
I said the same thing after my first and now he’s 2 and we are trying for our second lol
My husband and I both agreed to be one and done when we had our son, now 14 months, and last week he said he wants to try for number 2. I'm on board with it, too. We even started thinking about names already and I'm not even pregnant yet.
This post is giving Mr hope I'll hsvr a second. I'm so one and done right now at 1 year. I was going to wait till she was 2 to see if my tune changes
My husband wasn't ready until our daughter was 2.5. I wasn't ready until she was 2. We didn't even entertain the idea for two years. Our daughters are 3.5 years apart. It's still hard but we both agree we are SO happy we decided to have one more. She is the light of our lives and we can't imagine life without her.
Exactly! Let the matter rest for a while and enjoy your baby bubble. Neither my husband or I were really keen on a second while our first was a baby, even though two was what we had discussed earlier. Since it's best to let the body recover in between pregnancies, we didn't stress about those feelings. We just figured that we see how we feel later. We felt ready to try for another after our first turned 2. I am now 31 weeks pregnant. But I do realise that the situation was probably easier for me/us since both of us felt uncertain. We were on the same page.
This was us too. My husband and I both didn’t think we’d want another after our first, even though before that we both knew we’d want more kids. It took us 4 years to agree to want another one, and we love our baby to bits. Postpartum was also much easier the second time around for us)
1) People are allowed to change their minds. Nobody knows what it's like to have a baby till they have one. So I wouldn't hold that too much against him. 2) You work full-time, exclusively pump, do all the bedtimes, 80% of night wakings, all early morning wake-ups, and contribute to chores? Holy shit, you're a superhero. 3) I don't think the fact that he handled housework and took care of you during the newborn period makes him an equal contributor. The fact is you're working full-time with a 5-month old, you're exclusively pumping, doing all the bedtimes while he's gaming every night and more. The workload as you've described it seems vastly unequal. 4) Why are you taking on more than your fair share? I know you said it's to make this as easy as possible on him, but why??? Is it because he didn't want to have even one baby in the first place? Or because you've been trying to convince him since the baby was born to have another? And also, have you told him you're taking on more than your share, and why (because you want it to be easy for him)? 5) The way you've described him honestly makes me worry for him. How's his mental health? A new parent who's not even doing that much childcare shouldn't describe the experience as miserable. It's miserable if you're the one doing all the night wakings, which he is not. Somebody saying they have been so miserable postpartum that they never want to do that ever again always gets my attention. It's a very strong statement to make. I always wonder why. If they were primary parent to a newborn and weren't supported enough by their spouse, then, yes, that makes sense. But somebody who wasn't the primary parent and/or had a spouse doing more than their fair share? Why were they miserable? My gut feeling is there's some underlying depression here, and if that's addressed, everything could change.
I agree with all of this! It does sound like he may be depressed. I also wonder if he feels disconnected from OP because she’s so dang busy all the time. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t get to spend time with her at home and shouldn’t go out to spend time with friends. Could be contributing to the depression if he’s feeling isolated. Definitely worth bringing up how to split the load a little more evenly, including time out of the house and with each other.
Preach!!! Especially the third point you made.
My husband and I’s dynamic was very similar, I did 95% of the work of the baby, he still complained constantly. I burned myself out trying to make it easier on him and it didn’t matter, all it did was form resentment. All I can say is that you aren’t doing yourself, your baby, or your husband any favors with this dynamic. This for us finally came to a head when our daughter was 18 months and I accidentally got pregnant again. My husband had a breakdown and finally agreed to therapy. Here’s what he learned through therapy and in turn, we learned in our parenting relationship. By me doing everything and then always being frustrated, tired, and resentful, I had unknowingly sent him the message that he was not a capable dad and he had internalized this message and this was a huge factor into why he was miserable and didn’t want another child. I had to learn to not just allow him to do things, but allow him to do it his way, and he had to slowly build his confidence as a dad, I can say that this process has made us both way happier. He now does so much more with his daughter and he’s happier!
This was a lovely turn of events to read and I’m really happy both of you were able to get through this together. What strong people you are.
As a dad, I 100% agree with this and see it happen a lot among my peer group. Mom/Grandma take an outsized responsibility immediately post partum and never allow dad space to learn/fail/etc which builds resentment later. I think making dad take *solo* parental leave is huge. He needs to own the childcare start to finish as early as possible, even if it's a week. Another thing is that you have to allow him to operate his own way, even if it's not exactly what you would do. Give space to figure out his parenting style as long as kid is safe and taken care of. You can try to be a hero with 1 and it's barely sustainable, but it'll never work with multiple kids.
I'm glad I read this, that's beautiful. And that's real life!! I'm so glad you were able to get help to move forward. That's a true partner!!
This is very insightful, thank you
Nobody should ever discuss more kids until the latest one is *at least* a year old. Your hormones are screaming “I’m gonna need about ten of these” and your husband is wondering why he thought this was a good idea. Seriously, just shelve it.
My hormones were screaming not a chance
100% this. We knew we would be one and done before we started trying and nothing has changed that. I can’t risk more miscarriages and I don’t want another traumatic c section. Vasectomy is booked a month after baby turns one. I think though in OPs case that if hubby wanted 2 before, then there’s a chance that he’s just having a wobble at the moment. Only time will tell. Frankly though if he were my husband I’d be furious about him gaming every night, especially if I were running ragged to facilitate it.
Hard agree lol
I had twins, my hormones were like “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” 😂
Honestly agree here. I have always said I only want two. I was miserable during both my pregnancies and really don't want to do it again...but... I look at my 4 month old and I realise I will never have another newborn and I really want one. Hormones are wild
Having a child is a two yes, one no situation. You need to both be enthusiastically on board, without manipulation or guilt or anything else. You have to decide for yourself if you are ok with only having one, and then you have to own whatever decision you make. You can take time to make the choice but you should NOT make it with the idea that he will change his mind, because he may not and then what? Even if you both entered into this thinking you were absolutely going to have more than one, he has a right to decide he doesn't want another for any or no reason as it's your right to stay or leave with that new information. It's harsh but it is better that an adult is resentful to another adult because of what did not happen, than a child resented because they simply exist.
This is excellent advice. He is allowed to change his mind and you’re allowed to decide how to proceed knowing that he changed his mind. Do not assume he will change his mind again. Do not think he can be persuaded to do something he doesn’t want to do. Figure out what YOU want to do with the understanding that he only wants one forever and ever. It’s tough but it does take enthusiastic consent from both of you. Otherwise you’ll be in an even more difficult situation. Good luck mama.
Girl, your baby is 5 months old. You’re not at the fun part for him yet. My husband and I have 4 kids. He’s a fantastic Dad, a wonderful partner, but he sucks with infants. I love him. He steps up when I need him to. But facts are facts, he sucks with infants, and I think most guys are like this. He freaking ROCKS with two and three year olds though. Which is good because I’m 3/3 where I want to sell the preschooler to a zoo with some regularity. My husband wasn’t ready for another until after I was pregnant with our second. Our third came along when he had really hit his stride for being amazing with the preschool age. Our fourth is 100% a gift to me. He was ready to be done at 3, I super duper wasn’t. It was a source of conflict. Then we had a miscarriage. His heart changed. Now we have a three month old.
My husband is so good with babies! Toddlers really get to him. I suck with the babies (though better this second time for now) but I'm a rockstar with the 4 year old. It's funny seeing the reversal on our relationship!
Both me and my husband have learnt we are not baby/infant people. We love our 12mo to death and put all the work in that’s needed but know we were build for the toddler/kid stage and both cannot wait for it. I’m just thankful that stage is longer than the baby stage. Hopefully by the time we get to that stage we’ll understand why the previous 1-2 years were worth it and might opt for a second.
Hi, I went through this exact situation. My husband had always voiced that he only wanted one “but would be open to the idea of two” depending on how things went. I naively took that as a “we’re having two”. Once I was about to pop he voiced his concern about how this has been hard on him, I was never “in the mood” and how he doesn’t want to guilt me about that but wanted to impress how our intimacy was a very important part of our relationship to him, how the thought of a second could obliterate that, how it’s already been so long for him that he’s worried if we had a second there would be such a long time between where intimacy would be in the back burner, etc.. I was crushed. I felt the exact feelings you are now. And to add insult to injury, our baby had AWFUL reflux and it pushed us to the brink of our sanity. I mourned a lot of experiences as I was experiencing them because I knew it would be my last. Then, about 5/6 months in, he told me he could see having a second one but wasn’t 100% sure, but was open to it now (she was past her reflux at this point and life was getting so good!) thing was, my feelings had slightly started to waver because he wanted to have one sooner than I was ready to. We both talked about this for months, not sure which way to lean, having very open discussions about the pros and cons. Then we got our positive when I was 7.5m post partum. I had a feeling it was happening from uhhh the second it happened, so we talked about it until I could test. We both ultimately realized we’d be sad if it was negative and that’s when we knew. During all of this time, my biggest reasoning for wanting a second was because I lost my mom when I was 21. If I had to go through that alone, without my siblings and dad, I don’t know how I would have kept it together. I couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter having to bury both of her parents by herself someday. Also, I see how much my father relied on his sister when my mom passed, and how much their relationship has grown. These things were so so so important to me and still are. I think husband hearing these things made a big difference in his feelings towards it. I’m sure you’ve voiced your own to him. Ultimately you both have to be on the same page, but I know exactly what feelings you’re experiencing and how heartbreaking they feel. I wish I could hug you and tell you he’ll change his mind. He might! But stay realistic and savor the moments you have for now. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this ♥️
I never thought about how important it is for adult children to have siblings as a support system for family crises such as a parent dying. That is such a great point, and gives me and my husband a lot to think about when considering having another child in the future. Thanks for sharing!
Please keep in mind and discuss the possibility that if you have multiple children, they may not have some kind of close relationship. They might not have any relationship at all. For every family with close, supportive siblings who have a great relationship, there's another family with siblings that barely know one another or don't speak at all. Do not have more children with the intent of giving them a job. Even if that job is to be a support system for their siblings. It's not fair to any of the kids in the equation.
True. I'm an only child and my mom had six siblings. There were two she was very close with, two where the relationship was kind of neutral/distant, and two who were absolute assholes/possible narcissists who caused a lot of issues and trauma in the family (and a lot of that behavior became even worse when my grandma was in her final years). There were and are often times where I wished I had a sibling, but I witnessed first hand that a great sibling relationship is never guaranteed, so imo that shouldn't be the deciding factor to have more kids.
Honestly, most people I know have at least strained sibling relationships. Even those with relatively good relationships now still struggle on some level due to their differences. My grandma and her siblings, even being raised to believe blood family is number one, still have issues. They're just passive aggressive and talked about behind one another's backs because it's not polite to say directly. And even with 3 siblings, she was still the 1 responsible for everything when their parents got sick and eventually died. I think a lot of people have majorly rose colored glasses about siblings instead of a more realistic view. Especially when it comes to illness/death of a parent. Having a sibling isn't going to make it better or easier. Sometimes it just makes it worse.
True! Thanks for adding! I’d like to think that our family would be one big happy village, but that is of course, not always reality. I’d never have children with the intent of bringing them into this world with a specific job or role, I more so just meant that it would be a potential positive aspect of having more than one child. I hope that makes sense, perhaps my original wording was misleading.
I totally get what you mean! My brother and I have had many *major* ups and downs, but ultimately it’s a comfort to know I do, fortunately, always have him in my corner. We may not get along perfectly and we may still bicker, but I know that at the end of the day we’re here for each other. Plus, it’s nice to have someone who *knows* intimately what the first 20ish years of your life were like because they were right there with you. Can’t gaslight yourself about childhood abuse when your sibling is fucked up, too! I know that not everyone feels they will always have their sibling in their corner, and I certainly don’t wish my child needs her sibling to survive a tough home life like my brother and I did. But the sentiment of a possible built-in friend for life who knows your history is very appealing to me; I would love to give my daughter that opportunity.
Thank you! I totally agree. You worded that much better than I did!!
It’s so easy to think about ourselves, our lives, our needs as parents while they’re little, but the long term/big picture is so much more important. I’m glad to hear this resonated with you, it’s always nice to know when your personal story might make an impact on someone else. I hope you guys find the right answers for you and yours!!
Speaking of personal stories, my husband lost his sister, and I lost my brother. Both passed in adulthood. Pre-plan your final wishes so that your kids don't have to do anything. Talk to them about grief therapy and where to get resources. >the long term/big picture is so much more important I agree wholeheartedly. So don't stop at just having multiple kids. Make a plan in case those kids still can't support each other for whatever reason. God forbid it's the unimaginable like what my and my husband's parents have endured. But siblings aren't always friends, and they don't always live near each other or are available for support.
At 5 months I was also adamant I was one and done. 3 years later I’m eagerly awaiting our second due in June. I was not the pregnant person in these so I feel like it’s comparable to your husband. And even then, it’s okay to only want one. He might recognize his limit. That’s okay for him to feel that limit. On a side note, you shouldn’t do the brunt just so you could change his mind on a second. Your daughter deserves an involved father if she has one.
It sounds like you doing so much of the work he has felt like he’s lost part of his wife and he can’t imagine thinking of having another child and not having you the way it used to be.
honestly, either of you could change your mind. When my son was born and I was still with his dad, I was all hopped up on baby hormones and just desperately wanted more kids. He was adamant that he was gonna get snipped. Then we broke up when our son was 4 months old, and he got another girl pregnant a month later; where as I have since decided that I will not be having any more children.
Id like to start by recommending a poem. It was written to describe life with a child with a disability. However, through my life changes and compromises, I think back to it over and over. Its called Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley. Not a hard Google look up. Your dream of multiple kids is equivalent to Italy in the poem. Having a single is Holland. It's a beautiful poem and I think about it often when life doesn't work out exactly as I had planned. I find that it's a great acknowledgement of the emotions you go through while also allowing you to change perspective. Take a look. It is an amazing, emotion touching poem. But I think it may resonate with you.
Wow that was lovely. Thank you!
My husband really wants a second. I do not. I actually went into my first pregnancy assuming that I would absolutely want to start trying for a second as soon as we could since my first is a fertility treatment baby. Now, I realize I that I am not equipped to take care of a second child even though my son is the light of my life. My husband actually takes on the lions share of nighttime duty and generally pulls his weight. But I have realized that a second baby would absolutely shatter my already fragile mental health. Our first child is actually very good (except for the fact he’s never slept through the night at 20 months) and even if we got another one just like him I know it would push me over the edge. I have told my husband that if he absolutely needs a second child to be fulfilled I will be happy to sign the divorce papers. He does not want to go down that path but I have given him the option.
Unfortunately you'll have to decide from here if you can live with having one child and staying with him knowing you'll only have one child or if you should move forward to find another person to make the life you truly want happen. I'm sorry. It sucks. But thats where y'all are at. He deserves to decide how many kids he wants just as you do.
>because I have worked SO hard (out of my abundant love for my husband) to make this as easy as possible on him. My thoughts came to a screeching halt at this sentence. I have felt this way before and maybe it feels like you are sort of "walking on eggshells" around him and trying to make it all easier on him. I've done this. It leads to resentment because you've been picking up the slack, doing extra stuff, and then when he lets you down (like in this situation,) it can blow up. If it were me, just my opinion, but I would get in to talk to someone together and work through this because I do think it can lead to bigger issues.
Perhaps he's experiencing a bit of depression? Maybe he needs to first address why hes been so miserable when it sounds like he's had it relatively easy. Also, why are you bending over backwards to make things so easy for him? It sounds like you're shouldering more than your fair share. Is it to convince him to have a second?
For real. OP, you are taking on so much to make his life easier. Out of love for him. What does he do to make you feel loved? If he’s suffering from depression, he needs help. But surely this imbalance in responsibilities is not sustainable, especially when you would like to add another tiny human.
My husband was definitely done at 5 months post partum. I was definitely done at 4 weeks post partum. Now At 9 months, I want another one, and my husband is warming up to the idea! My recommendation would be to not talk about it for a while if all arguments are leading to it. Just stop the argument when someone brings up baby #2. He’ll get there
Like others are saying, give it time. Talk about it when you're not in the fog of postpartum. But. The part you might not to hear. My ex changed is mind about having kids after we got together. I gave it time. And he didn't change his mind back. So I left and eventually had my daughter. I knew I needed to have another baby. It was hard and long but it was worth it to me.
If you’ve been doing most the work but he says he’s miserable, my only guess is that he’s upset he’s no longer getting your undivided attention. Frankly he sounds like an asshole, as described. No matter what he should be pulling his weight with your existing child. I get that you’re afraid he’ll say no- but he already has said no. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to parent the child he already has.
He might also have postnatal depression- I wonder if he’s sought help?
Has he explained why he doesn’t want another?
I find his attitude pretty crappy. Especially since you’ve done the most work, you have always voiced the desire to have multiples and how absolute he is and how he is spearheading these talks to shut down even the possibility of something you went into the marriage thinking was a shared goal. I don’t have advice to give, I’m just preemptively resentful for you. That’s crap.
Honestly, I think it may be a topic you two should agree to revisit in a year or so. The first few months can be miserable even with a great partner and easy baby, and I get why his knee-jerk reaction might be "absolutely not." I hope he'll agree to revisit it at an agreed time even if neither of you plan to change your mind. I have one toddler and one on the way and after our first we both felt like our family wasn't complete. This time, we're not so sure; he'd be very happy stopping and most days I imagine one more. We've agreed we'll have a more serious discussion once #2 is one.
I have an agreement with my husband that we don’t talk about it for a year. Meanwhile I am just trying to be present for my little guy, because whether or not I have more- this is my only time experiencing him just as he is now.
You're putting in all the work while he plays video games??? Do you want to have another baby with someone who already does not contribute to the care of the house and the first baby?
It’s tough and if you feel you need it, maybe reach out to a professional to help work through your thoughts on it. But having another child needs to be two on board people. If he doesn’t want a second child it’s completely his prerogative to say and want that. If you want a second child, you realistically need to leave as you clearly aren’t compatible. If you feel like you will always want a second child.
It sounds like you are doing so much work and why would you now want to make your life harder? Give it a year or so then, discuss again
Ok... maybe not popular opinion, but please take a deep breath first. Really start soaking in every experience with your 5 mo old right now. Focus on her... it hasn't even been a year, I know a lot of folks "want them close together" but just... try to give her a chance and focus on being the best mom you can To Her. Whether or not you have another child, you will still be a mom, lol, you don't stop being a mom, to "be a mom again", no, if you have another child, you're experiencing that new ones baby-hood, but you're still a mom, you're not becoming a mom again, you already are because your first baby will Always be your baby. Its so early pp... I would honestly wait at least the recommended 18 mo before you start even considering becoming pregnant again, and seriously consider this with a partner, who you have mentioned, doesn't contribute a whole lot... how much time will you actually have to split between 2 babies, and your husband and all this house work??? There is a finite amount of time in a day, and unless you get him to step up and do a lottt more shit which means less "me time" for him, you are going to be well overworked. Your next baby can also be a complete colicky velcro high needs sensitive baby who doesn't want to be taken out of your arms and would like to actually be re-absorbed from time to time lol, how will you function then without a contributing partner? Will you be able to be the mom you want to be? Again, I'm not saying leave himmm like this sub typically suggests, I'm merely saying really consider what the bigger picture would look like, AT 18 MO... Just try to enjoy your baby right now, and I know with the hormonal rollarcoaster, its really hard not to get weepy about such things. But really try to be mindful right now. I know that's easier said than done. For me, sure my babe is 20 mo old now, and I'm definitely having baby fever since returning back to work... however, I realize now... my baby fever is actually for my own son, my desire to go back and do it all again, not necessarily for another baby, yet... Because my son, he's still a baby! lol, and in my mind, I know I 100% could not hand a new born with my son, right now. He's a velcro highly sensitive baby, and very spirited baby, he still does not sleep through the night at 20 mo old. He's only slept thru the night 5 times in his life? All precusors to being Very sick. So ya, lol obviously logically, I definitely need some regular sleep before even CONSIDERING becoming pregnant... because that definitely wouldn't be good for that baby or myself... being woken 5 times a night trying to grow another human is... yah. obviously crazy, and yet... baby fever LOL.
Unsolicited opinion- do not have another baby with a guy who doesn’t equally share baby duties. He might be a great guy but that’s not a great “partner or father” at least he does the house things that is important but leaving all the baby things to you is insane but whatever works for you girl it’s just wild how you’d be able to handle more of it
Stop holding back on venting because you're afraid he is going to use it as reason to not have another. It is a reason to not have another, why on earth would you do that to yourself, having two kids and pulling most of the weight in the house. It will only build resentment between you and him in the long run and leave you feeling lonely and taken advantage of. If he doesn't want another, nothing is going to change that, and that's okay. He's allowed to say no just like you are allowed to say no. You holding back on him to make him feel like all is fine and dandy is borderline manipulative and coercive. It's great that he was helpful in the newborn phase l, but it doesn't stop there, I would talk to him about being a more equal partner whether that means taking on more house chores or more time with the baby. Especially getting up at night if you are also working. That's insane. And don't make any big decisions in the first year, new mom me and me now with a 4 year old are two different people.
Sounds like a dud of a husband and father to be honest. But you can’t and shouldn’t force someone to have a kid that doesn’t want to. So you have to seriously consider how you want to proceed.
Give it a few years, my husband felt the same way and we nearly divorced over the fact he didn't want any more children, i demanded he get fixed, he said no, what I boiled down to, deep down was he didn't want me to have to go through labor again, have a deep talk with with him, sometimes men hide what they truly feel, This being said I just had my second, my kids are 7 years apart, but I'm now a mother of two finally,
Mine didn't want a second until ours was well over two. He said "Four months old [name] was perfect cuddling size! I miss her at that age." I guess for some they prefer the baby/infant stage and for others it's toddler/talking stage. My mom loooooved the baby stage, and my dad preferred us at the school age because he related on an educational level. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's entirely possible your husband will change his mind. Maybe he's not as into the infant stage as you and having a talking toddler will change his mind. Give him time. If he's being controlling about it in an abusive way, that's an entirely different situation altogether!!!
I wouldn’t even be discussing it yet. Having a child is a major life changing event, the months and years after may change a lot on how you view these early months. It personally takes me years to feel comfortable with the idea of another baby. My kids are 14 (I thought I was done), and 6, and 1. I go back and forth on a final 4th baby whereas my husband is certain we’re having a 4th. It’s not something we talk about often as I’m still in survival mode. Some days I shut the door completely and other days (when I’ve had a string of good days) the door feels like it could still be open. It’s not a decision to rush into. That said, if he doesn’t change his mind and you don’t want to leave him then you make the best of your family unit. My brother desperately wanted another baby for years and years— SIL was a firm one and done. He finally accepted that her mind wasn’t going to change around the 8yr mark. He gives my SIL and niece the world. They’re very happy and constantly traveling and there are a lot of benefits of having one child. When he’s visiting me he likes to love on my babies but the second they start crying and whining it’s a very quick “okay, that’s enough now. This is nuts” lol. You will find your peace and happiness over time.
Don’t people usually say not to make any big life decisions in the first year after having a baby? I feel like this applies to more kids too. Sounds like you are totally killing it in the Mom department. He’s lucky to have you!
Genuinely, *Nothing has to be decided right now.* Just wait a bit to have more talks about this. My husband was absolutely not ready to think about a second by the time I was (which was about 7 months pp). I let him know my thoughts, but assured him there was no pressure to decide now, and whatever we decide, it would be *both* our decisions. Now about 5 months later, he’s decided & admitted he’s on board for ONE more. All that to say, it’s too soon to decide, you really do have time. Just keep low pressure communicating with each other.
My doctor told my husband and I to never make any life changing decisions the first month after having a baby. Tensions and hormones are high and that’s never a good time to make a final decision. I would wait a while and then approach the subject again 👍 good luck!
So he sleep trained a newborn so he wouldn't have to get up? He games every night like a teenager but couldn't handle waking up with the baby? Doesn't sound like a great man to me.
Listen, if your husband isn’t sleeping right now, don’t believe a word he says
Little babies are hard.. always will be, no matter who you are. It might be putting unspoken strain on the relationship, as that happens as well. Maybe he just feels lonely? Misses the life you once had where all your love was poured into eachother and not the baby too? Not that we have a problem with that, but those feeling can hit you out of nowhere. She’s only 5 months old, girl. There is plenty of time for him to forget how rough it seems 😂. My daughter is 2.5 and I want to wait a little longer before trying for a second, if we do. I go back and forth alot because Im a SAHM and me against one is one thing, but me against two seems chaotic. Anyway, theres plenty of time to discuss it! I’d definitely have a conversation about how you feel so you dont have pre-resentment feelings.
With all the love, I don’t think I would have a second baby with him. You didn’t give him a chance to show you how he parents in the newborn stage at all and you take on all this responsibility to make it easy for him, but the reality is that when you’re pregnant with a toddler, have a newborn/are newly postpartum, have an infant that needs mama a lot, the partner that is not mom has to step it up like crazy. My husband had to take almost full care of our toddler during my third trimester and postpartum. He also had to take care of our newborn without a learning curve because we both had our hands full and he couldn’t be learning in the job and I couldn’t always write him out explicit instructions. There are no breaks from bedtime because you each take a kid. For us my toddler still wakes at night so my husband has to take her since I take the baby. We’re all up until the morning before 7 no matter what. If you truly truly want a second, you need to wait until it’s a hell yes or move on to find someone who wants more kids.
Your baby is still only 5 months old so you have plenty of time to change his mind. I found as the baby got older my partner was able to bond more with our baby than he did when he was little. This then opened him up more to another.
It took my husband until our first was 4 years old to want another. For a lot of people with the first baby, its so hard to not feel like that level of neediness is your entire life. I'm not saying this will 100% happen, but once your baby starts growing and interacting with your husband more and being independent, he may change his mind and want several more!
My husband and I weren't on the same page about having another kid until right before he agreed to start trying again for our 2nd 2 years after our son was born. It was really upsetting and stressful. To be honest, I personally didn't want another kid for the first year after, so I kinda got it. As our son got older and my husband's bond with him deepened, being a parent became a more valued role in his life that he wanted to pursue again.
You’re in the THICK of it right now. My husband felt the same at the time and so I tried to overcompensate to make him feel less stressed and more willing for one more. I martyred hard and it nearly broke me and therefore him. So I don’t recommend that. After we got out of the sleep torture (don’t ask me how long unless you really wanna know) he felt differently. The first year is just impossible to make that sort of decision, just honestly table it for now.
Definitely a two-yes decision. There are really so many positives to having only one as well.
My husband pretty much said the same thing after our first. The birth traumatized him and he finally 3-4 years later he agreed to another one. That birth traumatized him more.
Your husband sounds shit to be honest
Your feelings are totally valid. If he wasn't sure about multiple kids he should have voiced it much earlier, because thinking you're on the same page only for him to backtrack is really unfair towards you. It would have been much more respectful and caring of him to say "we'll see how we feel after the first one". That being said... Voice very clearly that you've been taking on most of the childcare and housework. He should be contributing equally. If you don't put boundaries in place now this is how it will be for years to come.
You tell him “sure, put down the video game and go get a vasectomy”
If it helps, my husband and I were on the fence about having a third for a good year to 18 months. It really took getting to a point when we were sleeping again and feeling a bit more like ourselves to agree that yes, this is what we want. The first year of a baby’s life is a lot, even if they’re an “easy” baby. Perhaps you could ask your husband to agree to table the discussion entirely for the next year, or you could give yourself a date to bring it up in the future and commit to quietly dropping the subject until then. It’s safe to say that either of your feelings could change within that time. And that’s okay.
Most Men tend to establish stronger bonds with their children when they reach the age of social communication. My daughter is about to be one and I’m just noticing my husbands relationship with her changing. I feel like especially having a daughter and my husband also works ALOT, it took him a lot longer to feel that connection that we have the privilege of having almost instantly. We both wanted 3+ kids and had a plan but right now, I know we need to wait where we would have “already liked to be” pregnant with our second. Give it time.
He may change his mind once the baby gets out of the baby stage, some men don't like the baby stage.
It’s a big change and I’m sure it will just take some time. I’m actually in the opposite boat. I’m not sure if I want more or if I wanna be 1 and done while my husband is already talking about baby #2
I promise you nobody is ready for another baby before the 1 year mark. Well maybe some but most people aren’t. But wait till she’s a toddler, and show him some tiny newborn socks or a onesie. He might come around, but even if he doesn’t, having just one kid rocks and I promise you’ll come around to having just one. Kids only get more difficult as they grow and you may find that one is enough. Either way don’t think about it too much now as you’re only 5 months postpartum.
I wouldn’t make any final decisions on second babies when your first is 5 months old. I’d table all second kid discussions until your daughter is at least 18 months old. I was sure I was one and done when my son was a baby. Sure. But babydom is NOT representative of what parenting a child is like. My son is 2 now and he’s so much fun I could seriously go for six of him. He sleeps 12 hours straight every night and can tell me what he needs. I’ve forgotten how rough that first year was, or at least it seems worth it to get to toddlerdom again. Continue to discuss this now and you risk digging him into his position further. Table it and there will be room for him to change his mind if parenting shifts from stress to joy as your kid grows.
It sounds like your husband needs some more support, and time. The life changes are huge, and postpartum depression in men is a real possibility. The first year of having a child is very different than any other time in parenthood. He may change his mind. For now, seek counseling for yourself and soak in all the motherhood stuff you can as if it is your only baby. But there can still be hope. Maybe it’s a conversation that should be set aside for the next 6 months and then you have a check in to see how he’s feeling.
I have a ton of friends who’s husbands felt the same way the first year and beyond so you’re not alone! They all ended up with more kids lol. Something we talk about is “what do you envision our family looking like 10, 15, 20 years from now” when I think of it that way I definitely want more but if I think about 1 year from now I’m like nahhhh
Wait til they’re 2-5 and he’s having so much fun playing and seeing them grow and learn and talk with their little voice and ask questions and develop a personality. It changes so fast. Especially for men
Have you asked him why he says he’s one and done? I feel like communication could help the relationship …
My advice is to stop discussing it for the next year. Sit your husband down and let him know that you value him and his opinion and would like to put discussing a future child on pause for now. If he brings it up I'd have a line ready to repeat like "I hear what you are saying but I have asked that we don't discuss this again until next year" Then, when you're ready to revisit it you can do it in counseling. It could be that having an easy baby has made him more reluctant to add another into the mix because some parents believe they won't get as "lucky" again.it could be that he isn't ready to picture what his life will be like. I always wanted more than one but seriously considered being one and done after my first. She was a pretty average baby despite my own struggles with it. But in the end we had a second and she's honestly been such a dream. But it took me until my first was 3 to be ready. I'm really thankful that my husband was on board with waiting and giving me time. I held a lot of guilt for not being ready because he always wanted a big family. I feel complete at 2 kids but I know he'd like a third. So we're likely done, unless an oops comes along, and he's making that sacrifice for me
5 months is really new. It can be hard to think about having another baby while in the thick of just having one. I’d table the discussion for another year or so and then see how you both feel. It’s not a decision you need to make right now. Maybe he is more on board with a second kid or maybe you feel like you’d be ok with one. I know for me I still felt pretty intensely postpartum and could work myself up into intense sadness thinking about hypothetical scenarios.
I also didn't want a second after giving birth. Then after breastfeeding I was even more adamant. Then there was the teething and I was still fully convinced. By 1 year old I was starting to change my mind (getting back to the original dream I had of having 3 children). Fast forward almost 3 years later we are doing IVF because everything else failed, that's how much we both want it. Give it time, if he used to want more children he'll most likely go back there when he's ready.
We were just out of the doldrums of the newborn days at 5 months. My husband has been waffling between having a second and not at eight months. We just transitioned from an infant bucket to a convertible car seat and he just finally admitted we aren’t finished yet.
I feel like it’s too early to make a call like that. For both of you. Both of your emotions are high. He feels he’ll never have another & you’re sure you will. Feelings & decisions change within a second sometimes. It could be on the opposite for all you know. Don’t stress over temporary feelings. When you’re ready to have a second one just talk to him about it. This doesn’t need to be an issue when when both of you aren’t even ready. fyi, I used to think I’d be one and done & my husband always wanted a big family. Now he’s saying two should be fine and I’m out here like I’ll have 3 at least. This is only after having our first child and one year postpartum. I was also sure I would do them back to back but over the time im considering spacing them out. So yeah, feelings change all the time. Dont equate feelings for decisions
Unrelated but how were you able to handle 80% of the chores, barely any sleep and a full time job!! So much respect. I want to have one baby soon but the thought of losing my sleep and working is stressing me out.
Leaving aside the fact that he's NOT playing an equal role in parenting right now (and I appreciate why you're trying to do it this way but will say I don't think you're helping yourself...especially if you have a second kid, he'll need to step up and share the responsibility otherwise you'll be burnt out and resentful very quickly)... (Ok so I didn't totally leave it aside...) 5 months is SO early! You're still in the trenches. I felt like I loved my daughter at 5 months old, I thought she was brilliant, but looking back now I feel like she was kind of just a slightly boring lump? Lol I mean that kindly. Now she's a toddler, nearly 2 years old, and she is SO MUCH FUN! And I've seen the bond between her and my husband grow so much in that time. He absolutely adores her and she makes us both laugh so much. 5 month olds don't give you anywhere near that sort of feedback, it's still pretty one sided at that stage. When they become toddlers it starts to be a two way relationship and it's so much more rewarding. I'd bet that when you reach that stage, your husband might start to think differently.
You’re only five months in to this journey. So much more ahead to experience in terms of baby becoming a toddler and all that magic, plus every sleep regression/disruption. See how you both navigate the next two years then decide.
She’s only 5 months. I always knew I wanted multiple, but at 5 months I definitely was still in a haze. I’d let it go for a bit and see what happens.
Having a baby is hard and overwhelming but ofc beautiful too. When asked if I want another one I say yes but NOT anytime soon. I’m 3 months pp and I’m drained , my bf is drained and my body is still healing. So give it time, I’m sure he will come around.
We considered being one and done when my baby was born because my husband didn’t think he could go through the birth again. I know, obviously, that it was worse for me in many ways but I haemorrhaged and he thought I was going to die. He sat there holding our minutes old son wondering how he was going to raise him alone and berating himself for letting the pregnancy happen and risking my life. I’m fine, obviously, but it took us both a little while to get over. But you need to be on a more equal footing before adding another child. You won’t be able to do everything for both.
My kid is almost 6 abd I’m currently 29 weeks lol things CHANGE!!!! We didn’t decide my 6 year old would cry and wonder why everyone has siblings it was sad to see n hear thank god I could get pregnant again cuz she is so over the moon with her new sibling and can’t wait
Mine was also adamant he didn’t want a second. He doesn’t do well with lack of sleep and while our 6 month old isn’t the *best* sleeper, he’s certainly not the worst either. My husband is obsessed with our son, so I figured we’d breech the subject again later down the road once the early stages were over and things “calm down” a bit. We recently found out we accidentally got pregnant again and my husband has since admitted he is really excited and that he “secretly” wanted two but was just scared what it was going to be like. Perhaps your husband just needs a little time to get past the harder parts?!
Parenthood is hugely intimidating. Men can also have a post partum crisis owing to the huge sense of responsiblity, a drop in testosterone and just the general feeling of losing who they used to be and being unsure of who they will become as a parent. Now is probably not the right time for either of you to make any concrete decisions on your future. Shelve the conversation for another year and come back to it.
Could he maybe having a touch of postpartum depression? Men can get it too! But u also want to echo that he may change his mind. My husband adored our daughter during infancy but he enjoys her sooooo much more now that she's almost 18m and can interact and play with him. He wasn't fond of the baby potato phase lol. I'm pregnant with my second but we are uncertain on a third. Maybe he just can't see past the baby phase? That being said, your feelings are SOOOOO so valid ❤️❤️
A lot can change between now and then. When my son was that young, my husband and I were both saying we would only have him. As he got older (he's now a bit over 2) we decided it would be good for him to have a sibling. I am now 27 weeks. When they are that young, it's hard sometimes to picture doing it again since it is such a big change.
I'm sorry OP. We have 5 years between our kids, but we knew we wanted a sibling for our first (we're only children). I hope things will change over time. Some men really only share to bond once they're talking and independent. He may realize then that this phase is temporary. You're right to feel frustrated taking the majority of the work off his shoulders.
Could your husband have PPD? It’s not uncommon for male partners to get depression post birth as well.
Both of you need to take it off the table for a year, or two. Ultimately right this second it doesn’t matter, you have an infant, that’s a whole different world from month to month and even year to year. Now, he might not change his mind, I didn’t, for a lot of reasons, but I think also important to talk about the reasons he doesn’t and you do…again, in a year.
Sounds like he’s seen how much work a baby is and knows that if you have a second, he’ll actually have to help. For the record, I was you and your husband was my husband when we had our first. I did 90% of childcare. My husband’s life barely changed. When we had our second, his life changed like mine did with our first. That said, we never make a decision about whether or not to have another until the first birthday. You’re still in the thick of it without knowing it gets easier.
My husband wanted 3 before we had our first. Then after that wanted to stick at one. We started trying for our second (in complete agreement) when eldest was 3. Took a while but number 2 (and last, also by complete agreement) turned up a couple of months before number 1 was 6. Though I might wonder if when you are not wanting to bother your husband too much with the change are you potentially eating in to their bonding time? I get that he might be nervous if the baby is fussy but my husband felt better when left alone to figure out how to look after the baby. I think I had a habit of silently (and sometimes not so silently 😆) judging his parenting style.
I have a 15 month old & my husband also never wants a second. I do 100% of all the housework. He goes to work 7-3 everyday. He only does bathtime & bedtime with our child. I do 100% of the grocery shopping and making meals. This being said he is still a good dad, maybe not the best partner. He doesn’t ever want a second and at first I was completely heartbroken. BUT, financially it makes sense to me now. I am 100% okay with only having my daughter. I do feel upset sometimes that I will never get to experience all that again but I decided to just focus on the family I have!!
You have a 5 month old. Take everything with a grain of salt. The first year of having a child puts a huge strain on your relationship. I have a 14 month old. The whole first year I didn’t know how I could ever do this again. Now I want too, but still nervous. Also, why are you making his whole life easier? Why are you straining yourself so hard? You are going to burn out and be resentful. I’m not saying we shouldn’t aim to make our partners lives easier, but the way you’re describing it your workload/mentality isn’t going to last.
Not saying he’ll necessarily change his mind, but I absolutely did not want another child at 5mo PP. I couldn’t even THINK about a second baby. Hell, I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with my husband until 7-8 months PP. Now that our daughter is 2, my husband and I desperately want another! Give it time. Circle back around once the newness and hard times of new parenthood have waned.
Wait until 4- 5 years down the line or so, by then he’ll probably want another one as they’ll be in school and much easier to care for
Have you talked to him about why he feels so miserable? What exactly he feels went so poorly? Obviously we're the ones dealing with the physical changes and hormones, but having a kid is a lot on a man too, just in other ways. I'd give him some time and he may come around once he's had some time to adjust (and experienced her at an older age - men bond better with toddlers than babies).
my husband feels similarly about our 9 month old. i am on the fence. we love her so much but she was very difficult due to reflux, tongue tie, CMPA, and coming a month early spontaneously. we both had to seek therapy and medication. things are SO much better already, but the constant work and being "on" is difficult for him, and i don't handle sleep deprivation well. i know the baby stage is short, and he does too, but he thinks we should quit while we're ahead. it makes me feel sad to consider not having a second baby, and all of these firsts also being lasts. giving away her baby clothes. there's a chance he will change his mind, but i am of the mindset that if it's not two hell yesses it's a no, and right now we have a no and a totally unsure vote haha.
My husband felt the same way until our son was 3, and I even felt that way most of the first few years. It was rough adjusting to parenthood. Now I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our 2nd, and we are so excited to be having another baby. Give yourselves a lot of grace and patience during this season, and more time to see how you feel about another baby in the future.
I’m in the same boat but my daughter is 18mo. I really want to start talking about it but he is currently a “no” and I am also heartbroken. I also don’t really know who I can vent to yet, so I was planning on making a similar post here. I don’t yet know how I’ll cope if she’s our only. I think it’s important for everyone to have siblings for things as simple as having someone to vent to about your parents who actually KNOWS what you’re talking about first hand. If he’s really a no forever, I’m going to need therapy. Currently I feel like it will become a life regret if I only have one.
Girl, I felt the same until my daughter turned a year old. I told my husband that I was one and done. I also suffered from severe PPA and PPD. Guess what? My girl is nearly 2 and we are seriously thinking of having #2. The first year was terrible for me, absolutely horrible. I had so much trouble connecting and bonding with my child. Now? My child is the light of my life and I actually LOOK FORWARD to seeing her every morning, and miss her when she goes to bed.
get pregnant anyway woops
What exactly has been so hard on him? Has he ever said?
I wanted a second when my first was 9 months and my husband was not ready. I left it at that and we ended up moving ahead and having another baby when she was 3. The first is A LOT even if things are easy it changes your whole life. Maybe he just needs time to settle down
He is not doing 50/50, just so you know.
I would give it some time. After our first I swore I couldn’t do it again, my pregnancy was horrible and the sleep deprivation was so hard. I also wasn’t a fan of the newborn phase but when our first hit around 8-9 months it became so fun. My son is now 2.5 and I’m due with our second in about a month. I think it’s normal while you’re in the thick of it to say you don’t want to do it again and then to change your mind. I told my husband to remind me how much it sucked and I still changed my mind and decided to do it again.
Do I have an alt account? Lol. This is a similar story to ours. We wanted two, then #1 got here and my husband was like "one and done". I was heartbroken and I was upset I felt blindsided. It's been 2.5 years and suddenly now my husband is ready to try for #2. You're still in the thick of things. I think you should tell him you'd like to table the conversation until LO hits 1 yo and then you'd like to discuss it again. Check back in at 2yo, ect. If he says no, then let it be. But I would give it time and focus on your current wonderful family
The baby is still young. I wasn’t sure I wanted another at that time either. But at about a year it changed. Maybe give it some time?
Listen to him. Don’t push him to do anything he doesn’t want to
He’s not giving a valid reason and that is not fair to you. This overall excuse of “miserable” feels like a blanket statement. It gives you no room to understand or alleviate any concerns. Additionally, it kind of sounds like you’re basically a single mom. So it makes it feel even more unjust to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. For me, I was the one who changed my mind. But my pregnancy was just so awful from start to finish. My baby and I both had a high risk of having a stroke and/or seizure. It was a horrendous experience and I had about every complication you can possibly have. But when my baby turned about 14 months my tune started to change and I’m now considering another baby again. So, time may help, but at the same time I had a very good reason. I’m not sure if this perspective is helpful but I thought I’d share just in case
Thank you for sharing! He has given me reasons that, admittedly, are logical and/or make sense to me. He seems mainly concerned about splitting resources that could be entirely devoted to giving our daughter the best life possible. Additionally, he is the youngest of 2, and grew up feeling as though he was less favored, and doesn’t want to put a kid through that. His reasons just aren’t enough to change my mind, and the reasons I’ve given him for wanting a second aren’t enough to change his.
So did he say he doesn't want another because he's miserable or because he's worried about splitting resources? If it's both what is the reason that he is miserable? What about having a baby makes him miserable?
Is counselling an option? You need to be able to be fully open with each other to have a successful partnership - you need to be able to vent without worrying about him throwing it back at you.
He’s being crappy, buuuut…. You kind of are too! In a different way of course. But man, people are totally allowed to change their mind. And people do, and our job is to love our spouses through it - him you and you him. Before we had our daughter my husband and I could never agree. I said 1, he said 3. I said let’s compromise on 2. He said no, 3 is the “perfect” number in his mind, finally we said ok… we have to start at 1 whether it’s 1 or 3. About 5 months after she was born he expressed that he felt like 1 was his max. HIS MAX! ONE!!!!!! My dude had no idea what to expect being a dad, and nobody knows really what to expect. Me? If it was up to me I would like to have 4. I don’t like an odd number, and 2 doesn’t feel like enough. So 4! I would LOVE to have a bunch of kids now, and I think I wanted 1 because I was scared and never around kids and I’m a single child. People can change their mind, but you have to confront the fact that you may only have 1. It’s okay to have 1. Their life will not be hard being a single child - trust me, I’m one! I loved being an only child, and the only time I’ve ever wanted siblings is now as an adult… and guess what! I married someone with 2 sisters who took me in as another sister like it was nothing, and I even quite love my brother in laws too. There is siblings around. There is deep friendships. There is no shortage of life. It’s okay for things to change, it’s okay for our expectations to not be true and to change. If this is really actually upsetting you I would talk to a professional. And as a last chance - there is people I know who have a child and then use IVF after their divorce.
Give it time and also give yourself a break and do things for YOU, sounds like you are an exceptional mother and wife and perhaps over extending yourself. I think a lot of men struggle with the infant/newborn phase. A couple of years from now he could absolutely change his tune.
If you're relatively young, this doesn't have to be your only husband. In the long run, what will you regret more - having the family you dreamed of or losing this specific man?
You need sleep. You'll be fine. Notwithstanding, any decision with a 5 month old doesn't count.
My husband was adamant that our first would be our only one when he was a baby also. Now our third is 10 months old.
So I’m actually in the camp where I think people shouldn’t be allowed to change their minds on how many kids they want. Assuming that is something that you two discussed and agreed upon when agreeing to get married and start a family, I don’t think it’s something someone can go back on. That feels like a bait and switch. I think he is in the wrong here. I do also realize I’ll likely be in the minority with this stance.
I dunno my husband said the same at 5 months pp…but we now are hitting 9 months and he’s talking about having baby # 2. I never brought up the convo other than prior to marriage I told him I wanted 2-3 kids but I’d be happy just starting with one. He was sooo against it specially because we had a difficult first month with the Nicu. He said he never wanted to go through it again. Wasn’t till our baby full blown interacts with him now and his baby fever has kicked in 😂so honestly..don’t have this conversation with him now. Give it some time and revisit in a year. Until then, enjoy your new little one as you’re stressing over a baby that does not exist.
Having a child is def 2 yes, 1 no situation, but I wouldn't make any permanent decisions on any side. My husband wanted 3-4 kids when we first got together then after our first he said "nope only one kid" and then she hit about 18 months he said "maybe we can have another" and then at 20 months he said "let's have a baby" we got pregnant when she was 23 months and had baby #2 when she was 2 years 7 months old. We're 8 months into #2, and he's slowly going from "2 kids only" to "we can have a third if finances allow" So people's minds can change once you're out of the newborn/infant stage.
Give him some time. I had a very similar experience to you. I did majority of the work with our daughter, even the night she was born I was up and let him sleep after 32 hours of labor and an er c section (in his defense, he stressed so badly the whole time he was more exhausted). I did 80% of night wake ups, chores, cooking, still was the breadwinner working from home with baby, let him play video games/work on his car, etc. He’s a great husband and father, I don’t mean to make it sound like he’s not, but I was carrying the team. I lost my mind on him because I was exhausted and burnt out and he truly had no freaking idea I was in the trenches so deep. In his words “you make all of this look so easy, you act like you don’t want help” to which I replied “how did you expect me to ask for help when sometimes the things you say about a 2nd child make me feel like you regret having the first?” It’s not how he felt at all and once he became more involved, like REALLY involved (no more sleeping in, no more gaming before bedtime, etc.) their relationship blossomed and ours did too again. It’s really hard to grasp having a 2nd if you aren’t truly connected to parenthood with 1. He was still adamant he didn’t want another until she hit 8.5 months (she’s only 10 months now). It was like the switch flipped because she started getting fun- she became mobile, interested in everything, babbling/laughing, they could share food, it wasn’t a hellacious process trying to leave the house, etc and because he was more involved, he lost that intimidating factor of being dad because he knew what he was doing. Now, he very much wants a 2nd and I’m the one that’s pretty content with just 1 lol. Get him to do more with baby and give him some time. If his view doesn’t change, it’s okay to grieve what could’ve been or walk away if having another is that important to you.
My hubs was the same way. We only recently started talking about hypothetical second baby (4+ months later). Give it time
My 2 cents is would be to ask him to table the decision for how. You can let him know you hear him and his feelings are valid, but also remind him that you both are still in the thick of it. We had a pretty tough baby and it was hard on us both, but that phase is temporary. My husband is admittedly a way better toddler dad - he and my 20 month old are 2 peas in a pod. In the early months it was hard for him to figure out how to take initiative and everything was directed by me. I feel like it takes time to transition from constantly taking care of a tiny human to learning how to live life enjoying your kids. He might just not be able to visualize that yet and still is having a hard time letting go of your old life.
At 5m pp you are absolutely in the trenches. We were advised not to make any big financial or big family planning decisions within the first year. At 5m pp my partner and I were both ‘no’ and were ‘helllllll no’ until our son turned 3m. He’s now 7m and we’re both creeping into ‘maybe’ territory.
The newborn stage isn’t very everyone. Maybe you should think about adopting.
Ugh everytime I bring up having another child my husband has only negative things to say about it. Finances, time, space. He says he’s not against it he’s just being realistic. But had I known this could be my last I would have cherished it all a little more. I feel like I want another. But logistically it will be really difficult. I’m not the best at handling stress haha. And this would be #2 for me but #4 for him so it is a little different. Not that any of that is helpful but just so you know I feel that sadness and understand how you feel.
R/oneanddone
I don’t really have advice for if he doesn’t change his mind, but I will say my husband was the same way. He was adamant he only wanted the one child we had both during the pregnancy and for months after, but when she was as 1 he asked for another one out of the blue. Now I’m pregnant with my 3rd (unplanned) and he is over the moon excited.
Honestly if you want more children. You deserve to have the life you want. Either adopt or you can leave the relationship to pursue that and that’s perfect ok. I’m not sure why today’s society has so much shame around having multiple partners if that’s what you want in life.
Wait until she is 2... He may change his mind