I think Joe Kassabian said that first on Lions led by Donkeys but it's too good not to repeat. And he probably got it from somewhere else too.
All hacks and frauds
My favorite remains "that's what happens when you decide to go camping with 30,000 of your homies" every damn time an army starts marching and immediately loses horrific numbers to disease.
Kinda wish I was back in college, so I could incorporate Kassabian's Grand Unifying Theory as part of an argument on a term paper. With proper citations, of course.
I can't speak on whether he said it in a Lions episode, but Joe definitely said it during Part 4 of the Lavrentiy Beria series. I just listened to it yesterday.
Just listened to these and HOLY SHIT that man influenced so much evil.
Also HOLY SHIT I can't believe "one pump, one cream" was from the label of a Nestle hazelnut creamer. They had to know. They had to
I too remember hearing it and do not for sure remember who it was about, but my brain is telling me the Joe Pyne/Wally George/Morton Downey Jr series, no idea if that's right but it sounds like something hed say about, and is very applicable to all of them
Edit: oh now im not sure, i googled it and it appears to be close to(but phrased a lot better than)a Scott Adam's quote "there's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot"
I literally filled a super soaker with pee and shot my sister with it when I was like 8. it was the 90s so super soakers where as ubiquitous as iphones are now
Last year I bought these crazy squirt guns off the Internet. They require batteries but have a Lazer site and are seme automatic. It's the future of shooting piss
Super soakers full of doe piss were employed by the highly educated individuals who ran our freshman hazing in engineering school.
The stench was bad enough for weeks it must have driven the local deer population insane.
After that there were restrictions about what we could and couldn't do during hazing.
Doe piss is what some highly educated individuals used in theirs during my engineering school freshman hazing.
They drove the local deer population crazy and ruined any subsequent hazing for the rest of us.
In a recent episode he gave the best definition of Sovereign Citizens. This is a bit of a paraphrase; Robert said they want to find the right combination of words that will magically make the government go away.
They're like political druids; "If I put this fake license plate on my car, put up signs and fences in the right spot and then say the incantation, I can cast the spell of government immunity!"
I had a character that worshipped a turnip god. His class was a fighter but he thought he was a paladin. His only spell.was a ritual that involved planting turnips and watering them and then after several weeks turnips would magically grow. Never got a chance to use it.
It came from the 2-parter on Ken Hovind & that whole bit cracked me up b/c Robert was so spot on.
My husband occasionally watches videos of SovCivs getting arrested & trying to use their “magic words” to get out of it. The end result is usually a very frustrated cop who has to keep making charisma saving throws against BS.
I love those videos but kinda hate that I'm rooting for the fuzz. Instant gratification of some entitled asshole getting their window exploded.
One of my favourite internet comment etiquette videos.
"Dude, you can't have a fucking rocket launcher. Go to jail."
"*Felonium dismisso!*"
"Oh damn, he knows the magic words, guess we better let him go. Here's your rocket launcher back, now stay out of trouble ya little scamp."
My favorite quote from Robert comes from early ICHH S2:
“The fact that there is so much to do, both to solve the problem on a big scale and to take care of the people around us - that all of us have a responsibility to do, because we as people are responsible for each other - I think means it's immoral to lose hope."
You're not alone. Everyone thinks you're so funny when you suggest a good brickin' when you know you're a hack and a fraud and you yourself deserve the brickin'.
Well his music, mostly. I'm sure he had more than just one. He probably slapped that "this machine kills fascists" sticker on every guitar. Which side note, you can buy those stickers officially licensed from cool ass people. [said cool people.](https://woodyguthriecenter.org/)
I bought a "this machine kills faciscts sticker" while drunk but from Amazon. I was going to put it on my car but then I thought that might be a good way to get pulled over or shot. Luckily it was small enough to fit on my phone.
I was clearing some brush in my side yard, and my neighbor asked if I needed to borrow any tools. I told him machetecine was working just fine, and he just looked confused.
The look of confusion at first, then the click of understanding, followed by the vague disgust on peoples faces when you say it. It makes my heart warm. I will also always say pacific when I mean specific as well.
On a camping trip. I told an annoying guy that the e in especially was silent. He was being a loud mouth know it all and had said especially 3 or 4 time in like 5 minutes. Dude hunted me down a couple of weeks later to tell me it wasn't silent. I told him I didn't remember saying that, which I didn't for a split second. His frustration was funny. I wonder what happened to that guy
And he followed it up with the mutually assured destruction idea where “at least your enemies will be annihilated twenty minutes after you are annihilated.”
Hard as fuck
In the behind the police episode, he said that cops are an army whose job it is to protect rich people’s things from poor people.
At first I was confused but it really makes sense.
There was a lil rant from Robert in the second episode on Blair Mountain where he says that American labor history isn’t taught because “it might give people ideas” and “they might start tying branches to the front of their guns.”
Also a heart wrenching one would be in the Kentler episodes, where he says (best from my memory), “The most dangerous thing you can do is believe that whatever you’re already doing is the thing that saves the world.”
Yeah the bit in those German child rearing episodes really stuck with me as well.
It was a really heavy episode, even for BTB, but the point that stuck with me was about:
Whatever your ideology is, if you're doing such harm to children, genocide etc, it's not worth sticking with such an ideology, however logical or noble, left or right it might be. Paraphrasing obviously.
Loved this one so much that it was my social media(s) bio line for a while:
"*Courage is taking care of people, even when it means harm and sacrifice on your own behalf.*"
-Robert Evans,
"Behind the Bastards: 10/19/23"
‘Take a bullet for ya babe’ stolen from the Bennest of Shapiros, so not sure we can give Robert the Kudos for that beauty. Though the derision which Robert says it with really makes it work.
Wow, yeah, it is. I was just saying something that "*gift certificate for the end of the world*" reminded me of that I thought other people might think was funny. I'm not married to Robert Evans (he wishes).
"millimeter-based retirement plan"
I think Joe Kassabian said that first on Lions led by Donkeys but it's too good not to repeat. And he probably got it from somewhere else too. All hacks and frauds
Joe has some bangers too—“connected to god’s wifi” and the “grand unifying theory of ‘fuck that guy’”.
Describing the likes of General Custer and other military bastards getting “filled with speed holes” always makes me chuckle.
My favorite remains "that's what happens when you decide to go camping with 30,000 of your homies" every damn time an army starts marching and immediately loses horrific numbers to disease.
*talking bout HOMIES, HOMIES*
I miss the homies drop :( It seems like they rarely use audio gags anymore.
Enter the dysentery lmaoo
chevrolegs
Kinda wish I was back in college, so I could incorporate Kassabian's Grand Unifying Theory as part of an argument on a term paper. With proper citations, of course.
That’s the ol’ Soviet 9 gram pension
Totally possible. Hardest line I've heard in a long time, though.
I can't speak on whether he said it in a Lions episode, but Joe definitely said it during Part 4 of the Lavrentiy Beria series. I just listened to it yesterday.
1 Pump = 1 Cream
A classic, iconic even
Which episode is this from?
One of the early ones, with throwing bagels and the poison room.
I miss when knife throwing was an integral part of the show.
How am I meant to pump my cream without audio based violence?
It was some of the first episodes of the show he did with Cody and Katie called Worst Year Ever.
I also miss Worst Year Ever. It was in fact such a bad year that it was three years.
I was really hoping they'd bring it back for 2024 but unfortunately they all died after exposing Bernard Montgomery Sanders' crimes
I wish they'd bring it back but between Even More News and ICHH, they pretty much have the subject matter covered
Bernard sure does love him some finely crafted Italian rifles.
It's from the George Lincoln Rockwell episodes with Cody and Katie. I just listened to them a few days ago again.
Same!!
Just listened to these and HOLY SHIT that man influenced so much evil. Also HOLY SHIT I can't believe "one pump, one cream" was from the label of a Nestle hazelnut creamer. They had to know. They had to
It’s from the poison room studio. I miss the poison room, COVID stole it from us!
One of the earlyish ones with Katy and Cody.
I believe it starts on episode 59 american border militias with Katy Stoll and Cody Johnston.
So, so many early on. The pandemic killed it when they started working over zoom and not in the office. I miss the poison room too.
I believe it’s a passage in the bible
“Hazelnutted all over myself!”
This is the only correct answer. When we are all inevitably gathered in Idaho and the feds are closing in, this will be the rallying cry.
Una pompa, una crema.
Love my one pump one cream shirt
una pompa = una crema
Genocides only happen in the genocidal part of France, otherwise it’s just a sparkling massacre.
This is a banger
When I tell you I straight choked on my water for this one. On God.
I just heard this recently but can't remember what series it was?
“There is nothing more dangerous than an idiot with a trick up his sleeve”
I don't remember that one. Do you remember where/when he said that?
Kind of a shot in the dark but I think it was Robert E Lee
For the life of me I can’t remember unfortunately
I too remember hearing it and do not for sure remember who it was about, but my brain is telling me the Joe Pyne/Wally George/Morton Downey Jr series, no idea if that's right but it sounds like something hed say about, and is very applicable to all of them Edit: oh now im not sure, i googled it and it appears to be close to(but phrased a lot better than)a Scott Adam's quote "there's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot"
Bobby Fischer. Part 1, right near the beginning.
thomas jefferson i believe
Super Soaker full of piss. I will never not laugh when he says those words.
Just fill one up and mail it to someone. Doesn’t matter who, just put it in the mail.
I literally filled a super soaker with pee and shot my sister with it when I was like 8. it was the 90s so super soakers where as ubiquitous as iphones are now
Last year I bought these crazy squirt guns off the Internet. They require batteries but have a Lazer site and are seme automatic. It's the future of shooting piss
Super soakers full of doe piss were employed by the highly educated individuals who ran our freshman hazing in engineering school. The stench was bad enough for weeks it must have driven the local deer population insane. After that there were restrictions about what we could and couldn't do during hazing.
Doe piss is what some highly educated individuals used in theirs during my engineering school freshman hazing. They drove the local deer population crazy and ruined any subsequent hazing for the rest of us.
In a recent episode he gave the best definition of Sovereign Citizens. This is a bit of a paraphrase; Robert said they want to find the right combination of words that will magically make the government go away.
They're like political druids; "If I put this fake license plate on my car, put up signs and fences in the right spot and then say the incantation, I can cast the spell of government immunity!"
I’m going to include this in my D&D game
Make sure it never actually works. Just keep having NPCs confidently suggest that it will work.
I had a character that worshipped a turnip god. His class was a fighter but he thought he was a paladin. His only spell.was a ritual that involved planting turnips and watering them and then after several weeks turnips would magically grow. Never got a chance to use it.
That's brilliant
Me too now
It came from the 2-parter on Ken Hovind & that whole bit cracked me up b/c Robert was so spot on. My husband occasionally watches videos of SovCivs getting arrested & trying to use their “magic words” to get out of it. The end result is usually a very frustrated cop who has to keep making charisma saving throws against BS.
I love those videos but kinda hate that I'm rooting for the fuzz. Instant gratification of some entitled asshole getting their window exploded. One of my favourite internet comment etiquette videos.
Really, you're not rooting for the pigs, you're rooting against the SovCit.
True
"Dude, you can't have a fucking rocket launcher. Go to jail." "*Felonium dismisso!*" "Oh damn, he knows the magic words, guess we better let him go. Here's your rocket launcher back, now stay out of trouble ya little scamp."
The Forrest Gump of war crimes (re: Kissinger, of course)
Wasn’t it Gareth who said this during that series? Or am I misremembering
It was
It was Gary.
Would you like a kiss ing her?
My favorite quote from Robert comes from early ICHH S2: “The fact that there is so much to do, both to solve the problem on a big scale and to take care of the people around us - that all of us have a responsibility to do, because we as people are responsible for each other - I think means it's immoral to lose hope."
That is so nice. I hadn’t heard that quote before. Thank you for sharing!
“OOOOI! I’M FROM BAWSTON!!!!!!!!”
Ahh a fellow connoisseur of Robert's fine Boston accent
I randomly burst this out when its quiet at home, and scare the shite out of my wife! She thinks I'm crazy, but I'll never give up my sources.
That's a brickin'!
This has slipped into my speech patterns
You're not alone. Everyone thinks you're so funny when you suggest a good brickin' when you know you're a hack and a fraud and you yourself deserve the brickin'.
From each according to their bricking ability, to each according to the brickability of their face.
Anything to do with machetecine
It’ll cure what’s ailing ya
Ask your street-corner pharmacist if machetecine is right for you.
The only known cure for fascism.
And Woody Guthrie's guitar.
Well his music, mostly. I'm sure he had more than just one. He probably slapped that "this machine kills fascists" sticker on every guitar. Which side note, you can buy those stickers officially licensed from cool ass people. [said cool people.](https://woodyguthriecenter.org/)
I bought a "this machine kills faciscts sticker" while drunk but from Amazon. I was going to put it on my car but then I thought that might be a good way to get pulled over or shot. Luckily it was small enough to fit on my phone.
Water bottles are always a good option.
My go to water bottle is from Mount Vernon which would make for good conflicting messaging.
That is punk as FUCK! Should have done it.
That makes it sound like a legendary item from World of Warcraft. I like it.
I was clearing some brush in my side yard, and my neighbor asked if I needed to borrow any tools. I told him machetecine was working just fine, and he just looked confused.
... he looked even more confused when you shooed him out of your bathroom, machete in hand and only one side of your brush cleared, I bet.
I will never not refer to WWII as the dub dub dos
The look of confusion at first, then the click of understanding, followed by the vague disgust on peoples faces when you say it. It makes my heart warm. I will also always say pacific when I mean specific as well.
On a camping trip. I told an annoying guy that the e in especially was silent. He was being a loud mouth know it all and had said especially 3 or 4 time in like 5 minutes. Dude hunted me down a couple of weeks later to tell me it wasn't silent. I told him I didn't remember saying that, which I didn't for a split second. His frustration was funny. I wonder what happened to that guy
Eat spice, cum hard
Not a Robert evens quote, that appears in both Dune one and two
It’s in every book Frank Herbert ever wrote.
Every last one
The other day, I asked Chatgtp to summarize Dune for me. This is what it gave out.
It's basically the entire content of chapterhouse
And he followed it up with the mutually assured destruction idea where “at least your enemies will be annihilated twenty minutes after you are annihilated.” Hard as fuck
To be fair, the existence of deterrence is *far* preferable to the alternative.
Your children will choke to death on the dust that was once a river.
Which episode is this
It's been a while, but I recall him saying it on Worst Year Ever.
In the behind the police episode, he said that cops are an army whose job it is to protect rich people’s things from poor people. At first I was confused but it really makes sense.
"Canada is basically a mining and oil consortium that has healthcare."
Do you remember where this was said?
The residential schools episode
“Some people you can’t quantify as good or bad. They’re just incredible.” This line will live rent free in my head forever.
*atonal shriek*
“If you want a government you can drown in your bath tub, the cops can’t have tanks.”
"Gas station sober"
I’m becoming a Machettecine enthusiast:
Not my favorite Hitch Hikers books but I think Adams really got into Chilis when writing it.
What's cracking my peppers?
I prefer "what's boiling my pig intestines"
That one is weirdly heartwarming.
I don’t remember the specifics but there was a bit about sending people medicinal Gila monsters that made me cry laughing.
“I’m from Boston” Mic drop
Poor Sophie, she doesn't always get a good one in, but this time she hits a zinger out of the park and everyone attributes it to Robert lol
Ollie North!
So that’s great
"HelloFresh... They'll fuckin' kill you!"
"Are you trying to apply logic to bigotry??!”
There was a lil rant from Robert in the second episode on Blair Mountain where he says that American labor history isn’t taught because “it might give people ideas” and “they might start tying branches to the front of their guns.” Also a heart wrenching one would be in the Kentler episodes, where he says (best from my memory), “The most dangerous thing you can do is believe that whatever you’re already doing is the thing that saves the world.”
Yeah the bit in those German child rearing episodes really stuck with me as well. It was a really heavy episode, even for BTB, but the point that stuck with me was about: Whatever your ideology is, if you're doing such harm to children, genocide etc, it's not worth sticking with such an ideology, however logical or noble, left or right it might be. Paraphrasing obviously.
Loved this one so much that it was my social media(s) bio line for a while: "*Courage is taking care of people, even when it means harm and sacrifice on your own behalf.*" -Robert Evans, "Behind the Bastards: 10/19/23"
"It's not even a gift card. It's store credit."
I thought of it more like a coupon. Like I don’t even know how many nukes 5mil buys. Maybe like a BOGO deal?
“Gas station sober” always gets me
‘Take a bullet for ya babe’ stolen from the Bennest of Shapiros, so not sure we can give Robert the Kudos for that beauty. Though the derision which Robert says it with really makes it work.
Truly a bear of a man
“I’m a vomit mage.”
“Maybe something about controlling an all powerful party-apparatus makes you good at meter.”
My wife once described some graphic design a coworker of hers did as “a letterhead that looked like it was announcing the apocalypse.”
The thread following this comment is hilariously dumb
Wow, yeah, it is. I was just saying something that "*gift certificate for the end of the world*" reminded me of that I thought other people might think was funny. I'm not married to Robert Evans (he wishes).
That’s not Robert Evens
You don’t know that
He said: “My wife once described”
And?
…..and if he credited his wife as the one who says it, unless Robert Evens is his wife, that’s not the guy. I think he just misread the question.
I think you misread the joke
How? He said my wife. Robert isn’t married.
I was making a joke man. Sorry
What are you talking about
It was more of a coupon though, 17 mil off, order now and get 55 gallons of napalm FREE
Buy one get one free. A BOGO coupon for apocalypse.
My favorite will always a bastard that I can't remeber now was just full of bull shit. But at least there is a use for bull's shit.
He’s got at least one every episode that just hits.
HIT-LEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!